Hi, I Have a mess of a situation. Sorry for the long post. I wanted to try and articulate some of the depth, and my shortcomings as well as hers.

I met my ex at my last job before I left for school. After a few months of working together, we hit it off before I left for school. We got together, and when I left we kept talking non stop everyday, more and more.
We became so close, and fell in complete love, and travelled back and forth across the country to see each other, becoming closer to each other than anyone in each others' lives before.

We both became very needy for the first six months (new experience for me), and she kept upping the relationship professing her forever love for me, etc, etc. We travelled together, spent tons of time, but she wasn't adjusting to her new life well (and I wasn't at school) but we kept things up with our love and connection to each other.

One night (december) while I was at school she had an incident where a minor celebrity kissed her and the wound for me somehow did not heel and I became very insecure. Being long distance after this was hard and I was thinking about breaking up with her for 2 months (jan - feb)

I was very hard on her and it caused some tension. I semi-begrudged her, but we still shared everything together and visited each other frequently. But I kept being slighted at everything she was doing.

At the end of the school year, we would be together for the summer and in the same place for the next year as well (she was moving to be with me where I would study the next academic year). So we tried to make it that far because we loved each other so much. But I had become insecureand looked for things wrong with her (especially after she was talking marrying me and kids with me).

Then we started having breakups that lasted a day/or a couple days. Mainly her breaking up with me after a certain point. I was in intense school and sick, and well...

Then one day I snapped and said mean things to her via text message and she stopped speaking to me for 4 days and I couldn't get a hold of her. We had some tension building between us.

But she said strong things about never being with me but started to talk to me more and more and gradually over 2 weeks things restored to normal and we saw each other again. Just as good as always, However, I felt like I
Was walking on eggshells at that point, but things started going really great again. However, she became extremely sensitive as well to anything I would do and I was already super sensitive to each her. It was very stressful on both of us.

But we kept having great times together/ talks together / visits etc... until one night she got super drunk and I got nervous about our relationship I was also sick at the time and had been fighting off some fungus in my body for almost 2 years. I started to picture her as having a different identity with her friends than with me, almost as if I was on the backburner. My emotions were going out of control but I was desperately holding on to her.

She also had great stress in her life and did not handle it well. Then when she cancelled on some things to do with me, I got in a bad mood, (I would snap into a bad mood and like shut down) and we started to not be able
To sleep well without each other or really fully function without the other person giving re-assurances.

It would cause us both to be stressed around the other person at the drop of a hat and even semi have panic attacks. Then she started to paint me as the crazy one, as if something was wrong with me, and of course this makes things worse.

So she broke up with me again, and I get my head on straight immediately like (*** was all that BS! That's not what life is about.) and we vowed to make changes to do things right and like a normal relationship. Basically I get painted as the crazy one, who needs to changce, but low and beold So 3-4 weeks go on great, and she starts to get super intense into things again (not slow as we planned) and I go to meet her family, as her future husband in her head. In the car ride up I sense she is trying to bring me down a bit, because in her mind "i broke her heart" with the other major fights I caused. Anyway, we respond to stress in the same way. I think I felt as if, one slip up and I am done, and her that I would lose my cool on her at anytime. I also felt it was inevitable she would get drunk and mess up again. She is a bit insecure and over-emotional under a hard exterior, and only I know about it, and it made me insecure...

Well the night at her parents out we go out with her friends and I get too drunk (heightened by my intestinal illness) and I get into a bad mood- like I see her sloppy and drunk and someone brings up the celebrity she had kissed. I was
Near blacked out and asked a friend who was there for that event if it was a kiss or a makeout and the friend would not answer. My ex girlfriend had told me he kissed her and she pushed him away, but I had reasons to suggest otherwise. The way that thing went down was horrible.I also remember just becoming overcome with a feeling of "if this is how she acts when I am not around I can't take it anymore" and basically my body responded by alcohol to the feeling of when she kissed the guy, and thinking she lied, I sent more mean texts saying she was a "slut" and "i couldnt marry her"
And for future bf's don't be a reality star groupie. We both don't talk the rest of the night and she ended it with me via text message when together.

The next morning I am at a loss for words, and she sends me home 4 hours by train. But before I am sent home I beg to stay and it is a big whole embarrassing commotion getting kicked out of her house, and she goes nuts,
And so do I. We hug and say goodbye and I leave to talk about it later.

Then 2 days after it happened, she said she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and can't communicate with me anymore. I beg to fix this, make it right, and she says she can't talk to me anymore, that our relationship broke a part of her So anyway I send a few
Emails but basically leave her alone for a week except for a heartful letter. Then she sends me an email saying "ill always love you, i love everything you are, but can't live with it" I play it cool email back. It was a very vague goodbye email, like designed to push by buttons.

Next day I try to hang out via text, and she says she can't. Then ignores my reply text. I leave it for a week then send a text agreeing the breakup is for the best, then an email offering an apology. She accepts the apology, acts cold in her reply, and says she can't see us being in other lives. Then I call to leave an apology on her voicemail and she
Chats me online that does not want me in her life anymore. I say OK, it's a mistake, but I respect it, I understand I made mistakes didn't act like a man, going to turn around and not look back.

And haven't communicated with her and have not heard from her since. Been trying hard to move on with the great help of family and friends.

The entire time our relationship was going on we were obsessively involved with each other, and now I am left with nothing, and struggling to make it day to day. During our relationship we both lost our sense of identity
And our own self worth/individuality and even confidence so we needed to break up.

But losing her in my life for good has been tough because I feel I have an undying love for her I never felt for anyone before. OUr intense love caused these things. We both respond to things in the same way.

I have done a lot of growth/reconnecting with friends/spiritual self improvement/feeling better about myself over the past month since the last big event, and want to share things with her. It has been near 2 weeks of no contact.

In fact, I had some trust/vulnerable issues completely giving myself over to another person and planning on them being the last person I would be with forever.

Wow typing this out it looks like this relationship was one disaster and I should thank my blessings it is over. My family and friends think so and so do hers I'm sure. But I miss her and everything about her, I'm
Addicted to her. I want her to contact me at some point because she was in love with me as of before that drunken night, we just could not get past our emotional baggage. But I'm seeing clearer now and I want to share it with her, but she is painting me
As the psycho nut/loser/crazy one when in fact she was crazier if not more so!

At this point I am in a love-hate situation, but deep down I feel guilt for what I did wrong and want a do-over. I've learnd so much, but I didn't want to learn at her expense.

I think deep down inside she knows its equally her fault, but she is in a position of power and put the screws in me a bit. Haven't had one conversation since and she is fronting that her life is great and she is happier than ever...

Sounds doomed? I just don't like losing the best friend I've ever had, and the girl who I had the greatest times with in my life. At this point it sounds like either 1) she wants to move on and can't if she talking to me 2) simultaneously wants to hurt me for how I've hurt her 3) has no respect for me anymore 4) realizes it was a destructive relationship and this is how it has to go.

I feel though as if she manipulated me into her little world in which I completely lost myself, and without my trust for her, we just both weren't happy.

Wow! This is very similar to my situation a few months back, except we did not do much drinking. I tell you that it does not matter what her reasons are (1 or 2 or 3, or 4, or combination of them), the great insight of your post is what you have already provided in the post. Writing this has given you a fresh perspective on this relationship, it was a disaster. This was a toxic relationship, and normally, those relationships that start with the intensity you describe end up very similar to yours. Time to let it go regardless of the reason, and move on. Even if there is going to be relationship in the future, there must not be a restoration, meaning enough time must pass for this relationship to be completely over, and when both of you are healed, may be a new relationship based on new, and clean slate can begin. This one is over, I know how hard it is to get rid of the guilty feelings, and the urge to do things over. We all go through that, and over analyze our mistakes, but remember, do you really want a woman that kisses or makes out with celebrities? Leave her alone, and good luck my friend.

It's so hard to accept the obvious because I love her so much and she loved everything about me... So hard that we never had one more conversation, my best friend refusing to talk to me and thinking I am messed up. I bear the burden of the guilt and am painted as a psycho. Despite everything I feel like I sabatoged something special with my insecurities.

But I honestly stopped trusting her a bit when it happened. The way it went down was Terrible.

It's been two weeks since I have last tried to contact her and am going strong now.

Leave her alone, two drunks will never make sense to each other. You think alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior? Its NOT, for any one!

Leave her alone, two drunks will never make sense to each other. You think alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior? Its NOT, for any one!

I don't think it was an excuse, it was obviously a sign of problems with my own insecurities and the way I was dealing with the relationship trauma. Unfortunately, I couldn't properly communicate my feelings and it came out this way. I've done a lot of learning and growing on how I became a straight up bad person in this relationship, and I still feel guilt for having done something to hurt someone I love (or anyone for that matter).

Get with yourself first, then others.

Take some time doing that.

Get with yourself first, then others.

Take some time doing that.

By that do you mean working on my issues? You're right, I've somehow lost myself in this mess. Completely went from a happy in control person to an emotional mess in the past six months, addicted to a girl for anything good in my life.

"addicted to a girl for anything good in my life."

Bingo. That's a start.

Now. Who you are.
From before till now, I mean way back. What's good about you, what's bad. What you want, what you don't.

What do others see. How do want to be seen?
And live? How to make yourself a more aware person?

Becoming one, or closer. Then relationships. With anyone.

"addicted to a girl for anything good in my life."

Bingo. Thats a start.

Now. who you are.
From before till now, I mean way back. Whats good about you, whats bad. What you want, what you dont.

What do others see. How do want to be seen?
And live? How to make yourself a more aware person?

Becoming one, or closer. Then relationships. With anyone.

I certainly don't want to be seen as how I am now, or how I became at the end of this relationship, or how she is portraying me to people. I don't want to be addicted to her.

I'm honestly scared I won't find anyone I'll love like her again, but things are clearly no good between us. Typing this out really made it clear how ridiculous.

So don't.

No more reason to.

The only thing to worry about is yourself now.

"Typing this out really made it clear how ridiculous."

Do more typing. Let that crap out.
Think, write, play, read, learn, soul search, laugh, cry, whatever.

If you dig deep now, you will save yourself some denial later.

There will always be ones out there. Just make sure who you are. When your gut dictates.

I forgot to mention to go NC.

Delete her. No FB, emails, calls, texts, friends of friends, her family.

Remove all the previous stuff too. Pix, emails, love-notes, any stuff that reminds you.

Make a fresh start.

Thanks.

I haven't contacted her for 15 days now, since she told me she does not want me in her life anymore. So I am going strong in that regard and won't contact her again and have her blocked on Facebook...

But the bad memories are fading and I am stuck with only the good ones. Isn't that in reverse? For some sick and twisted reason I want her to contact me again, even though my family and friends say never talk to her again when she does.

Nothing wrong with good feelings.

Be glad now.

"sick and twisted reason I want her to contact me again''

We all want that. Part of the process.

"my family and friends say never talk to her again when she does."

They are right on, buddy. Glad to hear that you have an aware support group.

You'll be fine. Use this one as a major life lesson. Not your last one.

Thanks a lot... I'll keep working on it... even though I'm delusional now.

I don't know why I care what she thinks of me, but it is eating me up that I am taking the fall for being a psycho and being the rejected one (even though it wasn't working out for either of us). One minute she thinks she is marrying me, the next I am sent from her house on a 4 hour train ride.

Its normal those things. We all feel crappy when someone doesn't want us & look for answers.

The only answers lie within you.

"One minute she thinks she is marrying me, the next I am sent from her house on a 4 hour train ride."

Dude. I know the feeling.

Take that train. Make sure to ride it, look out the windows, meet people along the way.

"she thinks she is marrying me"

That was all in your head, not hers.

No matter what her words were. His her actions that matter.

And yours from now on. Do the right thing.
Stay NC, rebuild & have some fun.

Thanks a lot man, I appreciate it... never been hit so hard before, never invested so much, never changed as person so negatively, never had such drama, and never loved someone so much. Been tough but I'm strong with the NC now, don't even consider contacting her or checking her FB or anything.

Good, you have the right attitude.
Make sure you stick to it.

Heartache sucks. But denial is worse.

Don't let her suck you back in with sneaky messages.

Sometimes with pain, comes enlightenment.

You will get through this. Pulling for you.

Takes time. Don't deny yourself that.

Everyone in the world says don't get sucked back in. She is moving to London to follow me (or was to follow me), we are from California, how much you want to be in 3 months she hits me up when she realizes I am not the cause of all her problems?

Thanks a lot man, you have some positive advice.

"Everyone in the world says don't get sucked back in"

Who else are you waiting to tell you, her?

All you need to be concerned with is NC.
Doesn't sound like you you are if you are worrying about her "hitting you up"

She can hit up whoever. Its all about who's there on the other end to take her BS.

But vent away, my man. Were listening.

Well she hasn't had a conversation with me since July 4th when I got sent home... so not looking likely. She's convinced herself it's all my fault and something is wrong with me and her life is so great and wonderful now.

We had each other's email passwords and she didn't change hers, so I was able to see what she was saying for a couple weeks after it happened. I stopped looking at her **** and changed my password and blocked Facebook... No contact was hard at first, I panicked, but I felt the need to apologize for what I did wrong and she was still so cold to me.

Still hard not to be in denail

Yup it is.

Stop worrying about her, just you and your strength.

How much more pain do you want to endure?

She's gone. You guys are done. Time to realize it.

The first step to healing.

You want to feel good or bad?

Up to you now.

Yup it is.

Stop worrying about her, just you and your strength.

How much more pain do you wanna endure?

Shes gone. You guys are done. Time to realize it.

The first step to healing.

You wanna feel good or bad?

Up to you now.

Thanks a lot, you are right. Who cares about her? If she doesn't care about me, I got plenty of people who do. Family, friends... I tell them the truth about things. She exaggerates and lies and twists things to make herself look better. That is an incredible pressure to be under, incredible stress, and her stress got to me. If I told you some of the things that stressed her out... wow... well it got to me too.

I should be stronger than this, I will, I will.

Yes, yes and yes.

Her stress isn't yours.

You are stress free now...

"she exaggerates and lies and twists things to make herself look better"

That's my ex in a nutshell.

Be glad to be away from that toxic crap.

Yes, yes and yes.

Her stress isnt yours.

You are stress free now...

"she exaggerates and lies and twists things to make herself look better"

Thats my ex in a nutshell.

Be glad to be away from that toxic crap.

Do you have a thread here about yours?

Still though, I have never had so much fun as with my ex, but not trusting someone is no fun. The celeb she kissed is the biggest douchebag in the world, and I resented her and was scared of it happening again, in fact sure it would happen again, and I kept being anchored back to that feeling.

So it was the night of my first law school final and she texts about seeing him, then about him talking to her, and touching him, then at bar closing him kissing her... then she fell asleep drunk and wouldn't answer the phone, then for 2 days denied she did anything wrong, before giving in and professing her love for me and sorrow. But the damage was done in that time. She then told me I betrayed our trust by telling my friends about it, and it would make them think bad of her (obviously). Yet she told me he kissed her and she pushed him away, but she told some of her friends he made out with her to make her look cooler to them.

Honestly, what kind of two faced ***** does something like that? Tells me what I want to hear, and then others what she thinks they want to hear? Is there a real truth in her head somewhere?

I tihnk it is, it is her insecurity... and she knows it and I'm the only one in the world besides her who knows it.

Yup. I dated a user narcissist for 5 years long distance.
Don't judge. Click on my link.

Dude, vent away, but all that's in the past.

Listen to the stuff you endured. I know, it all comes biling back, but like I said, be happy its done.

Screw her any any other guy she's with. Whoooo. Cares.

Yup. I dated a user narcissist for 5 years long distance.
Dont judge. Click on my link.

Dude, vent away, but all thats in the past.

Listen to the stuff you endured. I know, it all comes biling back, but like I said, be happy its done.

Screw her any any other guy shes with. Whoooo. cares.

Read a bunch of your thread and will finish the rest tomorrow. Glad to see you made it with NC and through your journey. I'm ready for mine! Thanks.

Past only exists in my head. Got to remember that. And I got to remember that I WAS the one having panic attacks, I WAS the one getting angry at her, I WAS the one being put in bad moods, I WAS the nervous one brought into her stress and insecurity... I subconsciously was sabatoging it. Sad cause she did/does still love me, but there was a reason for everything and I have learned so much in this past month... so much.

It is not just about re-building my confidence.

Thanks for reading, but a long & boring one.

"did/does still love me"

Don't bet on that. That's your thoughts. You can't get inside her, just you. Regardless of what she may have said.

"It is not just about re-building my confidence."

Its everything about that right now. To get back to the simple pleasure in life. Not the BS.

To be better than you were before you met her.

Ahh I am going crazy today. I want to talk to her so much. Literally I am regressing... only remembering the good things, and the things I did wrong... I'm holding off on communiating with her because no good will come from that, but I keep being reminded about good things about her non stop... I keep putting her on a pedestal and wanting her back... even though she has seemingly for sure moved on

She's moved on and I am stuck in a rut for a month now

Just stay NC, you can do it.

Soon you will knock her off that pedestal.

Takes time.

I am wanting her back more and more, I want to just have a conversation with her... UGGH or I want to tell her how ****ed up she is

Don't. Doing that wouldn't make any difference anyway.

You would still be dumped & feel more pain.

Try & stay as busy with other things as possible.

This is all normal.

Remember that this girl doesn't define who you are.

You're right, and I let it define who I am, and got myself in this mess... Thought she was my best friend, someone I could always rely on, but it was messed up. Wish I could just make her go away, it bothers me she is so happy now and I am suffering.

She is gone.

Whether she is happy, sad or whatever.

No longer your worry.

The only thing you need to be concerned with is rebuilding & enjoying life. Using this lesson for later.

That's the beauty of NC.

She is gone.

Whether she is happy, sad or whatever.

No longer your worry.

The only thing you need to be concerned with is rebuilding & enjoying life. Using this lesson for later.

Thats the beauty of NC.

I'm regressing, and becoming hopeful she'll come back as she loved me. I'm feeling so much remorse for screwing things up, I am functioning less and less.

Going to try and see a therapist.

Not a bad idea.

I wouldn't dwell on false hope or start pointing fingers at yourself.

Remember what's done is done.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get up, dust ourselves off & use our precious time constructively.

There's a positive side to everything. Find it.

Sometimes relationships just break up:no one to blame.

This was a very obssesive relationship where any intrusion by a third party, was always going to upset the balance you held between you both:the outside world was kept at a distance which is where you were both happy to leave it.

Unfortunately to enable your relationship to remain fresh and alive new input is required and of coarse with that comes all the complications of disagreements,which is what has happened here.

You were unhealthily addicted to each other, almost like a drug until in the end, your relationship suffocated under the pressures of just life in general,both of you blaming each other.

I think you have to accept it as lifes learning curve and move on.

Who knows what the future may bring...

"You were unhealthily addicted to each other, almost like a drug"

Now you're in rehab. To get better.

Some people are meant to be, some for only a short time, others never.

That's life.

The sooner you accept things, the sooner you can enjoy your new life. One without obsessiveness or manipulation.

Like 0rphan says "Who knows what the future may bring........"

Way better things, Im sure.

Sometimes relationships just break up:no one to blame.

This was a very obssesive relationship where any intrusion by a third party, was always going to upset the balance you held between you both:the outside world was kept at a distance which is where you were both happy to leave it.

Unfortunately to enable your relationship to remain fresh and alive new input is required and of coarse with that comes all the complications of disagreements,which is what has happened here.

You were unhealthily addicted to each other, almost like a drug until in the end, your relationship suffocated under the pressures of just life in general,both of you blaming each other.

I think you have to accept it as lifes learning curve and move on.

Who knows what the future may bring........

Very good observations... Thanks for the insight. We both handled things horribly. Both delusional...

"You were unhealthily addicted to each other, almost like a drug"

Now youre in rehab. To get better.

Some people are meant to be, some for only a short time, others never.

Thats life.

The sooner you accept things, the sooner you can enjoy your new life. One without obsessiveness or manipulation.

Like 0rphan says "Who knows what the future may bring........"

Way better things, Im sure.

It's so hard to end my obsessiveness, when I got suckered into it all... out of character for me. The bad things that always put me in a bad mood around her, I was really starting to be not happy, are fading out of my memory and I got no confidence and no best friend.

Someone told me when I was feeling that way was:

Your self-esteem is yours not hers. So true.

Im glad you understand that this was toxic and made you feel bad.

With time & work you will feel better, get yourself back.
To be one that is stronger & more aware.

Try not to dwell on the past. Just use the things you are learning to your advantage.

BTW, she's no "best friend" Never was.
Friends love unconditionally.

Someone told me when I was feeling that way was:

Your self-esteem is yours not hers. So true.

Im glad you understand that this was toxic and made you feel bad.

With time & work you will feel better, get yourself back.
To be one that is stronger & more aware.

Try not to dwell on the past. Just use the things you are learning to your advantage.

BTW, shes no "best friend" Never was.
Friends love unconditionally.

You are absolutely right... even as she put the screws in me after being sent home via train, I still cared for her, supported her, offered her kind words. She sent some e-mail "I will always love you, but can't live with it" etc etc. I wish we could have had a normal relationship because we both tried to do it right, but couldn't... it was clear where this was going on.

I know I am better off, but voices in my head keep telling me I lost something extraodinary...

It sounds to me like you developed a dependency with each other, I came from a similar type of relationship... Only I found while in the relationship she was more clingy and dependent towards me and then when we broke up I was more so... I guess its dealing with loss of a constant in your life that you deeply cared for. Like your relationship, mine was unhealthy/addictive as well, constant fighting/disagreeing/arguing (it was like a daily part of our lives with each other)... There was feelings there, the "I love you so much" and so on... which is great and fine, but unfortunately emotions/feelings don't create a functional relationship... Like you, when she broke up with me... she was became really cold and even after all the crap I endured I spoke nicely to her and mentioned about being friends and she just acted like I was a stranger...

The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson. As it was said in other posts, you need to focus on yourself, stay busy and rebuild your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth... You both knew it was going nowhere and one person drew the line and ended it... I guess try to learn the lesson I'm learning, at least one of the two of you had the courage to end it, and be happy that it wasn't you as I found out that its actually a lot easier to get over an emotionally charged relationship if you're the one who GETS dumped as opposed to being the person who has to do it (because then you get feelings of regret and guilt, unless you're a cold hearted person)


I believe that you guys did truly love each other... but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... You will find someone down the road (could be in a few months or a few years) that will make you smile and be happy... Unfortunately you have to sift through a lot of crap to get to that, but along the way you will learn more and more

"The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson."

So true.

"but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... "

And more truth.

And if you want to get an understanding of what I came out of check out my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/after-break-up-she-still-tells-me-she-loves-me-dont-know-how-take-458856.html

Getting into and then out of a situation, similar to yours, just brought misery to my life. At first it is great, unfotunately we aren't all psychic... The lesson I learned and hopefully the lesson you've learned is to spot that "turning point" where things begin to change... and instead of letting it draw out, end things with the person before it balls up into one big mess... I know its not always easy to see the warning signs, but if you get a gut instict, in my opinion, it's usually best to follow it...

It sounds to me like you developed a dependency with each other, I came from a similar type of relationship... Only I found while in the relationship she was more clingy and dependent towards me and then when we broke up I was moreso... I guess its dealing with loss of a constant in your life that you deeply cared for. Like your relationship, mine was unhealthy/addictive as well, constant fighting/disagreeing/arguing (it was like a daily part of our lives with each other)... There was feelings there, the "I love you so much" and so on... which is great and fine, but unfortunately emotions/feelings dont create a functional relationship... Like you, when she broke up with me... she was became really cold and even after all the crap I endured I spoke nicely to her and mentioned about being friends and she just acted like I was a stranger...

The bare fact is... you don't need this person in your life, and you never did, save for the fact of learning a valuable lesson. As it was said in other posts, you need to focus on yourself, stay busy and rebuild your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth... You both knew it was going nowhere and one person drew the line and ended it... I guess try to learn the lesson I'm learning, at least one of the two of you had the courage to end it, and be happy that it wasn't you as I found out that its actually a lot easier to get over an emotionally charged relationship if your the one who GETS dumped as opposed to being the person who has to do it (because then you get feelings of regret and guilt, unless your a cold hearted person)


I believe that you guys did truly love each other... but the fact is that you will find someone you have a greater love for and they have the same for you... not only love, but respect... You will find someone down the road (could be in a few months or a few years) that will make you smile and be happy... Unfortunately you have to sift through alot of crap to get to that, but along the way you will learn more and more

Very insightful post... she fell in love with me, saw herself marrying me, moving to another country for me, missing me... and I got sucked in and as soon as I made a mistake or got nervous, she freaked out ten times as bad. I really love her so much and got so much joy from her, I don't know why I was always feeling ****ty from things she did, or slighted from other things. I stopped trusting her, and saw her as a source of pain or pleasure, I stopped treating her as another person. I think I felt like I didn't have respect from her anymore, and I resented her, and we blamed each other...

Very interesting that it will be harder for her- because I instigated the dump, but then she finished it off and showed impressive resolute not to even have a conversation with me. I am sure she is suffering much more than she lets on, or is a cold *****- could be either...

Thanks for the insight. I am like a stranger to her now, we've broken up like 5-6 times I guess total, but this time she is sticking to it. The other times after a short break up it was right back to "forever."


and if you want to get an understanding of what I came out of check out my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/after-break-up-she-still-tells-me-she-loves-me-dont-know-how-take-458856.html

Getting into and then out of a situation, similar to yours, just brought misery to my life. At first it is great, unfotunately we aren't all psychic... The lesson I learned and hopefully the lesson you've learned is to spot that "turning point" where things begin to change... and instead of letting it draw out, end things with the person before it balls up into one big mess... I know its not always easy to see the warning signs, but if you get a gut instict, in my opinion, it's usually best to follow it...

Thanks I will definitely read that post... I had a gut instinct because what happened to me is what happened to all her ex-bfs... something wasn't right, I was always nervous, despite loving her so much and sharing so much joy with her and great moments.

Thing is we knew the way we were acting was not good, but we couldn't stop it! We talked about talking less, space, and the other person would be offended that the other person suggested such a thing. I lost control of my own life, and she lost hers as well, yet we kept going back for more.

I still want more. Scary.


Reading your thread, brain is a drug, I started to become the extreme insecure one- not being able to sleep, having panic attacks, feeling slighted, just living out of fear instead of living life. After multiple break ups, and begging, and bad speaking between each other I completely lost myself identity and couldn't get it back in the relationship. It just sucks I lost the friend as well.


I also feel as if I got sucked up in a web to be portrayed as the bad guy... I am always doing wrong, being mean, "verbally abusive" in her bogus words, guilt tripped into feeling as if I caused all her pain.

She told me a part of her is broken from our relationship and she can't communicate with me anymore and that I am the cause of all her anxiety and she is bordering on a nervous breakdown. Then she gives me some "goodbye communication" because she pities me... She is a smart girl and knows how to manipulate me into feeling bad.

"we've broken up like 5-6 times I guess total"

"I still want more. Scary."

'She is a smart girl and knows how to manipulate me into feeling bad."

Anything else?

Screw it man. It wasnt right.
She can manipulate you anymore, see?

Its all in your head now.

The past is over.

"I started to become the extreme insecure one- not being able to sleep, having panic attacks, feeling slighted, just living out of fear instead of living life."

Guess your gut was telling you something. Just didn't act on it. Now have been granted that gift.

Enjoy it.

Girls like these prey upon insecurity.

Give you enough to hang on, open the door up again when they need you.

Screw with your head.

But it takes two.

I took that crap for 5 years. Why?
Lots of reasons. Insecurity, denial, false needs, manipulation.

I went back & read my journals after I got dumped.
I knew it from the start. Just denied it.

Got hurt 100 fold by doing that.
What the hell was I thinking or doing?

The good thing is now I know.

Wow that is a great reply. Sums it up perfectly. I had huge hopes and fell for everything... All the good and all the bad, and resented it deep down. Ended up losing myself. Was desperately in love with the idea of her, but even still I care and she, well who knows and who cares right? You all here have helped a lot.

"Ended up losing myself'

Yup. Me too. Our fault for letting it happen honestly.
But please dont trip on that. Be honest with yourself.

"but even still I care"

No more reason to care. Heal first.

If you can get to the point when you can wish her well in your head & heart later, then I say you are that closer to being enlightened.

Its been a year & a half for me & gotta tell you, Im not wishing her well. Actually, try to let those those of her pass through me as quickly as they arrive.

Not sure if your girl fits here, but mine was full blown.
You may see some similarities, check it out:



Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(cautionary statement)  

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

(4) requires excessive admiration 

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

I wouldn't say that describes mine. Mine I would say is incredibly insecure, and has to exagerated/delusion/be a victim/ build her ego and have people like her because of the insecurity.

Also huge stress case, dissatisfaction with her life compared to others, needy, has to look good in others eyes. And overly emotional.

And can never be wrong or reveal herself to even her close friends (only I know how she changes into different people).

I still love her though, I stopped being a really loving person so for that I take full responsibility and miss her. Am going to a therapist on thur.

"I still love her though"

Not sure why. Maybe your therapist can get to the bottom of that.

She treated you like crap.

We all miss at first, cause it's a conditioning. A habit.
Hope you don't miss the BS.

Never sounded like the good outweighed the bad.

I treated her like crap too, became controlling and insensitive when I stopped trusting her. Sometimes I view it as all good or all bad, but I hate the hatred going on now and now that I'm coming back to life so much wiser and with a better perspective I want to reach out to her again because we both did have great moments and I did rely on her. It's a horrible feeling when someone who knows all of you (and me all of her) pushes you completely out. I regret all of my mistakes because even though there was bad, she has a lot of special characteristics that make her the complete person that she is, and you hve to accept all of them.

Your posts have offered a lot of clarity, I want to pass it on to her.

Don't be silly!

Don't be silly!

Wouldn't accomplish anything ?

Like what, you think she will listen to you telling her what to do?

Hmmm good point. I just hate the hatred that came from her and I at the end. But it won't be possible to reason with her will it? Everyday I get more clarity- see our mistakes more and miss her in my life more. Only the bad is fading for me. Which isn't good for me.

Right after the big incident I knew I wasn't happy and she wasn't happy. I panicked at losing her but was worried for her health, and kept my kind support. But as the panic has faded and I have been regaining my life, I'm remembering how and why she became such an important part of my life.

That's all good but play the whole tape and NOT just look at the good parts. If it was all good, you wouldn't be here.

Thats all good but play the whole tape and NOT just look at the good parts. If it was all good, you wouldn't be here.

You're right I got mind****ed, but I miss her and all the good parts...

We had a real special relationship, we just made every mistake you shouldn't make in a relationship. IE we became obsessive and fought about nothing, and blamed each other for our loss of lives. I don't know, I think I'm just confused.

I want to e-mail her though, but yeah it wouldn't accomplish anything I guess.

You guys are right, I'm addicted to the idea of her. A smart, hot, obsessed with me, reliable GF. Not the reality of who she actually was or what actually happened between us.

Obviously the good moments were very intense, but there would be 5% horrible bad moments and I could not trust her. If you guys knew the guy she kissed, omg, it would embarrass me behind my screen name.

Cut out the best parts of this thread and posted them in a document to read when I get weak again. Some words of wisdom here.

Ahhh I still look to the phone for her to contact me. I have become so aware of the mistakes in the relationship, I want to fix them. I don't like losing.

Myself confidence has started to come back this week big time.

From hating myself and my existence on Monday, to today wanting to live life and do my best and be better. Been a battle to get to this point for 5 weeks.

I broke 17 days of no contact yesterday :/ but it felt good. I wrote an email of things I wanted to get off my chest.

She forwards my emails to her trash basket, yet checks her trash and read the e-mail within 30 minutes of me sending it. No reply. Wasn't expecting it. But it was my first contact with her not out of desperation, but with a real perspective on things. So it felt good.

Now I see the point of NC. Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now.

Just need more time more time more time...

Going to the therapist today.

I read this in a book by Deepak Chopra I am reading "People often want to be rescued by love, and thus love gets tied to escapism and fear. Things you are afraid of, such as loneliness, isolation, and not fitting in, must be sorted out and healed on their own, not masked by throwing yourself into a relationship with someone you think will solve your fears for you."

So true... but problem with my all my new insight is that, among other things I learned to meditate, is that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress.

Becoming more and more confuseddddd... Love/hate/confusion/etc. Definitely not ready for another person in my life...

"Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now."

You got that right.

"that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress"

Relieve your own stress. You have all the time in the world.

Yeah no contact is the way to go. I'm firm now. I just can't shake the hope of being back in her life and having her in mine. I was so happy when we were together, just got off
Track.

Stick with it.

Its fine to get things off your chest, but for you. Not her. No reason to end up in her "trash can"

Again.

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

My head got messed up over the last 6 months with all the ups and downs and obsessions and break ups and professions of love and drama. Definitely need it.

God she really did love me and stand beside me through so much crap I put her through, but honestly, the way our relationship was set up, losing ourselves in it, and losing my trust after she kissed the celeb, I just couldn't handle it.

Mistake after mistake made... and I want it back, a do-over. All my friends and family now think she is nuts, but I love her and can't stop. I started to get controlling, insecure, jealous... I mean I guess it was inevitable with the weight of marriage and an abortion and no other life besides each other. Just wish we could do it right without mistake after mistake, without losing respect for each other.

You can run the tapes all you want, but isn't going to change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

You can run the tapes all you want, but aint gonna change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

Thanks. I am reading your thread still. It is very informative. Sounds like a terrible situation you were in. How are you doing now?

I don't know to be happy or glad I was probably 50% at fault... leaves me half hate/half regret, but to be completely blindsided, must have sucked.

I am trying to figure out what type of personality disorder my ex had. I think something like social anxiety disorder, to make everyone like you, because she has some aspects of the narcist, but was a nice person, just desperate to always look good and cover up here emotions.

She was super super emotional and would not admit it, finally she did when the emotions got out of control, but no one in the world - literally no one knows how emotional she is but me.

Im way better than I was a year ago, that's for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesn't enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

Im way better than I was a year ago, thats for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesnt enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

It's hardest not to dwell in regret for things I would have done differently. I have only been broken for 5 weeks now though, so hopefully it will get better.

I am severely addicted still and want her to come back to me. But I need to be me in order for my life to go on effectively. It is all clear, yet I lose focus, lose myself in my mistakes.

Can't believe I sent an email yesterday. Bad idea, but it felt so good, to get off my chest, to be heard... but now I am left wondering it was a mistake.

Have you found anyone else since then?

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a girlfriend sometimes, but what I don't miss is being with a user & abuser, That's for sure!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a gf sometimes, but what I dont miss is being with a user & abuser, Thats for sure!!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

Yeah having a GF is nice... I miss all the planning, moments shared, moments would easily keep on sharing if our heads were on straight.

Its become a battle not to contact again. I am sure she is expecting me too. So I need to stand tall stand tall.

I'm moving to London September 10, I'll try to replace her there... SHe is moving to London Sept 12... finally in the same CITY after a year apart! And this happens.

Someday she is going to realize I am not the only one to blame... and miss me if she doesn't already.

I know for a fact she loves me... Last time something like this happened she came back after a week and a half...

I don't think I could trust her ever again though... but she can only be as upset as she is if she really loved me...

Although in her goodbye email to me "I love everything that is you, but can't live with it. We both have a lot of growing to do. I see you searching for something and the nurturing side was trying to give it to you. I'll always love you."

And coldness after it...

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
There's words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
Theres words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

Damn starting NC all over again is harder than keeping it going... Empowered her with my email. Oh well its done.

She doesn't give a F about my feelings right now... wait actually she does. She cares enough to try to put the screws in and hurt them.

She knows saying "I'll always love you, but can't live with you" would really get to me.

I want to call her out on her crap, but that won't get me anywhere.

I'm so confused between wanting her and hating her. It's a horrible place to be.

Refusing to ever have a conversation with me after sending me home on a train. Why do I care so much? Obviously it was not meant to be...

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

Damn you're exactly right, that is exactly what happened.

Huge mistake that seemed so right.

After 17 days of NC I started to feel like she was my friend again, I forgot how cold she was to me.

Worst part is, in my mind, I was thinking - what could she reply that would be a good answer? There was no good reply that she could give that I would be happy with. Even lets get back together wouldn't make me happy. I was playing with fire with no possible gain.

Exactly. Don't let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. That's for damn sure...

Exactly. Dont let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. Thats for damn sure.....

You're absolutely right. Got to get my head on straight. It's just been torn off for 6 months of an obsessive destructive relationship.

I don't know why my head won't stop thinking this crazy ***** was the best thin that ever happened to me. She kicked me out via train while meeting her parents and I still want her back lol.

Can't wait to get another 17 nc under my belt and my therapy sessions done

"It's just been torn off for 6 months of an obsessive destructive relationship."

"was the best thin that ever happened to me."

2 opposing thoughts. See?

The only best thing is that you are learning a major life lesson here. To become a better human being.

I marked every day of NC on my calendar for 3 months. Then just the month milestones for 6. Then the one year mark.

Then, didn't need to mark anything.

I was marking as well... Since she signed online to tell me she doesn't want me in her life anymore and to respect it. I marked 17 days then gave in yesterday and e-mailed.

No begging, nothing in the email, just some reflections of growth... but it knocked me down more. Got me thinking about her more than before. This NC is really making sense. Really making much much more sense.

But I had been gaining in confidence, been rebuilding myself identity since I Posted here sunday- very much with your help... got so confident I contacted her to show my confidence. Then it knocked me back a bit. Gave me some hope because she checks her e-mail trash for emails from me.

Going to be strong now, real strong. There is someone out there that can make me feel special. Like my previous GF who I had to end things with because of distance. In the back of my head I kept thinking "why is this girl so perfect, yet I am feeling so ****ty and wishing I was someone else." Honestly, once she kissed that celebrity I never trusted her again. And not trusting someone in a long distance relationship for a few months is a recipe for resentment to build. I built real anger for her, and when drunk or stressed from school I let it out.

Ok, well, start marking again.

This time, stick to it. Who wants to keep starting over & over.

This all will prove how strong you can really be.

No you can change. The universe has just given you a gift.
Take it.

Van you are absolutely right. Put a 1 on my calendar again. In 28 days I am moving, will be a change of scenary. That's my next goal. Get there (and ignore her if she contacts me on my birthday in the meantime).

I got tons of friends that care about me, family, co-workers, even you guys giving good advice. And I'm hung up on the one person that clearly doesn't.

Honestly I feel like I threw away something great, but hopefully this therapist makes me realize I threw away the trash.

YES!

Now you're talking.

Use all the positive support groups you have. That's what loving friends & family are for.

Don't forget to enjoy yourself too. Get out, have fun.
Make that part of your agenda.

Therapist told me I dodged a bullet.

Nice one. They sound like they were straight up.

Keep with it. Therapy takes time. Its incredible to get lots of advice. Especially ones that stick.

Like lots here have said, this was wrong, not right. Obsessive, selfish and immature. Insecure.

Remember your OP title:
"Destructive addictive relationship help"

And you're handle:

"Outoftime44"

You already knew.

He told me I am doing the right things, it just takes more time. It was just an introductory first session. We'll see what happens in the rest.

I told him how I still feel I could do it right with her. I don't like to lose, I'm stronger than that. But we'll get into it more.

He laughed out loud at a few things and said I don't have any pathology.

He also said given the circumstances of intensity, what was going on in the rest of our life, the extreme emotions, and abrupt ending, it is not a surprise it is so hard right now.

"He told me I am doing the right things, it just takes more time"

Good start. Doing the right things are NC & seeking help.

"I told him how I still feel I could do it right with her. I don't like to lose, I'm stronger than that"

You isn't going to do it right for her. Forget that notion.
But hopefully will for yourself & others around you later.

What about you?

This isn't failure. Just a lesson.

Im not sure I know anyone that likes to lose. But I l know when to bow out gracefully, with respect. (years of sports, fights, bad tour gigs & crappy gf's I guess, hehee)

"Im stronger than that"
Yup, yes you are. Prove it.

"That" being her & this.

Well I will no contact, but I see her everywhere... Know how much fun we had doing things... Know how I loved to hold her. I can't imagine it is gone forever if she came back at some point. Even though it would be sick to let it happen.

Just got to heal, no contact, and close the gaps that made me so needy. Become a better version of myself from when I met her.

As crazy she was , I was too

"I can't imagine it is gone forever if she came back at some point"

You keep saying that. C'MON. Actions, not words.

You "seeing" her is in your head.

Not in front of your eyes.

"it would be sick to let it happen"
Are you screwing w/all this? Not sure. You don't seem serious. Just asking & not listening.

Doesn't matter. You will stay in this rut & play games until your inner self will say:

Enough.

For you to decide how to live tomorrow.

I've decided I'm moving forward. Nc nc nc. But if she came begging back sometime in the future I don't think I could say no. Hopefully I'll be over it when it happens.

Then you better start right NOW, just in case.

It's been up and down but I've been taking the right steps and the therapist said a month is early to evaluate considering the extreme intensity. So that is positive. But as you all know it is not all rationale. I loved her regardless of her being over emotional- someday she will realize it if she hasn't already. But my feelings obviously are of no concern to her right now, while hers are to me- so that imbalance has to stop. She put up a wall much easier by making me a complete villain, which is false, but I bought into it.

My biggest fear is finding someone else who I could love being with so much with such intensity. At this point caring and being with a girl to her level is outside of my comprehension right now.

But nc is clear and obvious and I'm moving forward growing everyday.

"But nc is clear and obvious and i'm moving forward growing everyday."

Good, man.

Its OK to feel pain. With pain comes enlightenment (if we listen)

Just know that this is a process.

Sometimes, when Im really down, I say, bring it on, I can take it.

One thing that may help you is to stop projecting what you think she thinks.
.
I mean believing things in denial.
Like, "someday she will realize it if she hasn't already"

Who cares? Not her. Why should you?

You are THE most important thing on this earth.

Remember that.

Hmmm true, I'm making up things in my head. Wondering how she could turn on me in a second. I need to pretend she is dead, not project her new life without me. She showed no love to me, no sensitivity, and some of it was my fault... But she never had my back and I couldn't trust her.

Problem is I have really grown and learned a lot on how to be a more complete person in these 5 weeks- so much more growth than the lifeless person I was before, I want to share my growth with her.

She didn't turn on you in a second. You broke up how may times. I forget now. You were half. Just in denial.

Stop making stories up. Facts only, my man.

Stop that thought process.

Yup she is dead. Have you experienced a close death before?

"I want to share my growth with her."

That's where you need to stop. She is no longer in your life.

Sounds like you don't wish to realize its over.

You got to do that first before anyone can really help.

You are right. The denial is hitting harder. It was much less, now it's becoming more. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe she is out of my life forever because of all the stupid **** I did. How we gave it so many chances and I couldn't trust her despite loving her so much.

Believing it's over for good is going in reverse, nc has become harder not easier. Bad has faded and made me angry, I don't know why I'm regressing... I really poured my heart into her and her into me. I can't stop my mind from having some hope no matter how hard I try.


I just mean the second third weeks were easiest. I felt moved on. My confidence has really come back, my ability to live my life has come back this week- but so has my desire for her.

Is this a natural cycle? Seems the farther I get the more I should move on

I would say its normal, given that feelings have a way of being brought back by people, places, and things you have shared. Sometimes the surprise of random thoughts, and feelings from the past makes them seem more intense, or meaningful than what they really are, and sometimes WE are the ones that make meaningless thoughts more intense, or real, than they deserve, But over time we get better at coping when they do pop up.

Thanks for the feedback. Part of it is I am back in her hometown for a funeral... A lot of reflection because I was here with her last and just thoughts about being a better person and dying. I really turned into an awful person in the course of our relationship... Completely different from the normal happy person I was a year before when we bonded.

So my ex's close friend is in a sorority with my best friends sister and apparently lies are going around about me saying that the things I text messages about not wanting to marry her, I said in front of her parents and called her a slut in front of her family. Really it was over Text message at a donut house. Should I call her out on her bs?

Damn was in her hometown at a funeral all day, reminded of her, and broke nc again after getting pissed on the lies spread. Called her on them, she responded, and me back again. My denial is getting worse.

That's why you go NC. Completely. Bet you feel like an a** now?

If you hadn't heard all the text message bull**** more than likely you would have gone to the funeral and that's it.

That's why they say NC. Stops your guts from churning and gives you a chance to let the emotions settle.

Until that happens you will be on a rollercoaster.

Listen to the advice you've been given. Read some more threads and you will see a pattern.

It wasn't until most people went completely NC did they start to heal.

Thats why you go NC. Completely. Bet you feel like an a** now?

If you hadnt heard all the txt msg bull**** more than likely you would of gone to the funeral and thats it.

Thats why they say NC. Stops your guts from churning and gives you a chance to let the emotions settle.

Until that happens you will be on a rollercoaster.

Listen to the advice youve been given. Read some more threads and you will see a pattern.

It wasnt until most people went completely NC did they start to heal.

You're right... back at it once again. NC again.

I was in her hometown where I got sent home on the train, at a funeral (my relatives are from that town), and find out she is telling lies about me to make her look like a victim... my friend tells me he is hearing I called her a whore in front of her family... Pissed me off because I never did such a thing.

I'm sick of being the crazy one, while she is the victim. That is not the case.

You're exactly right though... Texting her is a horrible idea and makes her feel good and me like an ***. Even though I was fed up and wanted to call her on her lies she is telling. Against all better judgment, I went for it.

Don't care about what she says or does anymore.
That's on her how she conducts herself.

Be the MAN we know you can be, ignore her childish games, and just get on with looking after yourself and leave her to it.

Karma will come back and bite her on the a**.

I hate to admit it, but I was kind of hurt, that someone I still care about, and was really supportive for, would now feel the need to justify her breakup with me by telling lies... I panicked a little after she broke up with me and did the typical dumb stuff, but I was nothing but nice while she tried to bring me down. Intentionally, after the breakup, put the screws in me. Then to find out she is portraying me as a psycho guy calling her a slut in front of her family, when in reality I texted she was a slut at a donut house after finding out she lied about making out with a celebrity! Way different stories.

I got to stay away. Thanks for the information.

Woke up today and couldn't go back to sleep from anger... Anger serious anger for all the things she did to bring me down, for hurting me on purpose, for making up lies, for making me feel like **** then walking away. I don't know why I care so much, but I want her to resolve the anger as well. It is a messed up emotion. Wanting the cause to be the cure of the anger.

Ahhh.. The value of NC.

Hope that you are starting to see that.

She can gossip, tell stories, spin things however she wishes.

But, all you need to be concerned with is your own actions.

If your friends are indeed true & loving, then they will stick by you.

BTW, NC also involves not being caught up in gossip.

Tell your friends that you don't wish to hear, talk about or know anything about her.

Back to square one. Again.

You are right as always...

Today I am at the racetrack... Site of our first major date a year ago. So hard not to contact her. So hard not to remember how much better it was with her here last year. But the day she made out with mike the situation I honestly stopped believing she loved me and developed a hatred for her which tore me apart.

So hard to love someone and not trust them for 6 months... No matter how much you want to

I'm proud of myself today . Spent an entire day in a place that I haven't been since my first hookup with my ex... With 3 couples and me as the seventh person... And I held nc . If I can do today I can do any day.

The person she fell in love with wasn't week and needy and neither shall I once again!!

Proud of you too.

Got to do that stuff to gain your strength.

Stop projecting her feelings on yours though. You don't know.

If she "fell in love" w/ someone. Then good for her.

She's out of your life.

Don't worry about that crap. Do you know how many times in the past year I was the third, fifth or seventh wheel?

All I got to say is that I loved every minute of it & still do.
Just like tonight.

You have to REMOVE her. She's not with you. Was BAD for you. Isn't coming back.

Thank your stars.

Stop talking about her.
The next thing I want to hear is all about you.

What you are doing. Fun stuff.

Really struggling with no contact now. Want to reason with her, so torn between anger and loving her. My mind is missing her, my strength as an individual has returned a lot this week and it naturally wants her in my life. But it is also very angry for things she did. But the good was never as good. This time last year things were so positive with her, I want to make her realize. But I also want to accuse her for her issues and ways she screwed me. Also want to level with her. So many regrets... Confusion getting worse not better. Nc is harder and harder.

Hang in there guy and stick to NC, and don't expect it to be an easy fix, or a magic pill. Its SUPPOSED TO BE difficult to bring out the best in you.

Hang in there guy and stick to NC, and don't expect it to be an easy fix, or a magic pill. Its SUPPOSED TO BE difficult to bring out the best in you.

Very good advice. That's a great way of phrasing it.

Against all good judgment, what people say, I want to tell her that the moments we had won't come with someone else for her... That our situation made it impossible to be normal but don't give up, that we know each other best in the whole world, that I was always there for her and that what happened was natural, that we stopped growing and became toxic but remember remember why we stuck it out...

But it wouldn't work, I've come a long way since July 3rd and want to use it with her

Denial ****ing is terrible

You guys have been great, thank you.

You sound like me at the same time last year.

Id learnt all this great stuff about relationships and convinced myself if I got just one more chance everything would be perfect.

I got my chance. It wasn't perfect. Nearly 3 months NC. Never felt better. But still feel empty. The "what ifs" drive me nuts.

When you are ready to walk away you will. Completely

Just when you re-live the relationship, deal in the facts.

Denial is what will get you in trouble every time.

Kaka that is interesting. Can you elaborate more?

You gave 3 months no contact, learned a lot about yourself and relationships, and got the chance?

I mean I messed up my relationship bad... but looking back at it, I was not healthy mentally or physically. And neither was she, so it was destined to end. But I've been improving my physical health and mental health. Posts here have been great, family friends, books, reconnecting with people, forcing myself to expand... It is almost as if the relationship was meant to end to kickstart myself into a better person.

Im 3 months NC now. Because it didn't work. Again.

You may be a better person, but, she's probabaly still the same.

Take the better person you are now and keep doing what you are doing.

Well I fought off the urges...

I woke up feeling the right words could at least open our communication. But I'd be setting myself to be rejected again. And playing right into her hands.

I'm sure she is expecting and wanting more contact from me. She knows how to push my buttons and DID push them by guilting me in Friday's contact, so I have to keep resisting.

Everyone can't be wrong while I am right.

NC for good! I went through all the emotions I had with her in past communication, there is nothing new to be said, nothing to be gained by contact.

I really hope everything is going well for you. I am doing NC for 4 months now and I start doing it since the first day my ex told me when I called him after he totally disappeared for several weeks. And he just said to me "I can't love you, I have tried already but I really can't...blah blah blah". Those words hit me hard like hell. I felt like I gave him all my heart, be his supports, treated him really nice, and cared deeply for him, and those cruel words are all I got. He didn't even try to make it nice. To be honest, I really have to admit that the relationship was not that good or healthy and I should step out of it earlier before having to listen to the above. Anyway, I learned now.

When the relationship was not working for whatever reasons, over-analyse it only drives you crazy. You may have so many questions like "Is it my fault or her?" "Why she doing this to me?" "Was it because of my insecure?" "What's she thinking?" "Did she realize she make a mistake?" "Should I contact her?"

Over thinking about all the above are putting you in the dark tunnel and can't see the way out. What I did is that I go NC very strictly in order to distance myself from him and total get him out of my life. I try to use my head and think rational about the situation. I learn to accept the reality that whether it's my fault or his fault, it's really doesn't matter. Do I want him back? (No!) Can I trust him again? (No!). This is not working, we are not compatible, and I will move on. I believe that I deserve better and I know better and learn from my mistake now. I will not make the same mistake and learn to love wisely in my next relationship.

YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE REALITY AND FACTS, THEN MAKE A DECISION, AND ACTED UPON IT.

It's not easy at all, I know. I don't have that much problem with going total NC with my ex. I never really want to contact him at all anyway. But I still have some problems of over-thinking and dwell on the past sometimes. I have to tell myself that I made a decision already, so I should just stick to it by leaving the past and the pain and all those questions I never get the answers behind, then start to rebuild a life I enjoy on my own and be happy again.

I wish you the very best.

Wow that is a very impressive way of handling it. I wish I could have been so mature. My situation devolved into such craziness, that I became ugly and made a fool out of myself in the process. Having NC instituted against me makes me be the one who wants to contact them, and no more damage.

I'm having a hard time accepting facts though, that almost out of my control- someone that loved me for who I was, was able to just NC me while I wasn't able.

The thing that is getting to me now is the realization that I turned from a loving person into an ugly person towards her. For some reason, I value her so much I don't want to be remembered as that- even though it doesn't matter. And I want to reverse it. We both made every mistake possible in a relationship, but I somehow can't help but thinking I let something amazing slip through my fingers.

My mom called me stupid and called the girl a *****... because she is in effect trying to hurt me while I never did the same. And she is a better manipulator than me.

I really truly believe our breakup was needed because we both had lost our own identities and couldn't get them back while in the relationship. But I don't want her out of my life forever. I was dead for a month but have been coming back the past 2 weeks, and I want her to see that. Because she knows me better than anyone in the world, and there is a reason for that, and a reason we met and really clicked.

So today I think I am showing great restraint.

I get this super cold e-mail from her work account.

"Hi XXXX!

Thank you for sending those Pension Plan papers back to the office. Although, I am missing a few things.

I need you to send over another copy of the two forms that you sent me (I need one to send to XXXX, and one for our files, both signed by you). These are the “Direct Rollover Election Form” and the “Waiver of 30-Day Notice”.

If you could send these back to the office as soon as possible, I would really appreciate it. Please make them to the attention of XXXX. She is cc’d on this email, and if you have any further questions, you can direct them to her!

Thanks a lot! "

So cold, not even an issue she is handling and could be sent by the person she is handling, basically just trying to put the knife into me... I want to call her out on it, but I am resisting.

Ok had a therapist session today. He thinks she sounds like a borderline personality disorder.

I actually gained some of these traits through the relationship. I didn't have them before... I mean I did have anger and maybe emptiness, but not on the level as brought out by this relationship.

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
* Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
* Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
* Chronic feelings of emptiness
* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

I need you to send over another copy of the two forms that you sent me (I need one to send to XXXX, and one for our files, both signed by you). These are the “Direct Rollover Election Form” and the “Waiver of 30-Day Notice”.
Just curious WHY SHE can't make copies to send to these people?


If you could send these back to the office as soon as possible, I would really appreciate it. Please make them to the attention of XXXX. She is cc’d on this email, and if you have any further questions, you can direct them to her!
Is this for her benefit, or YOURS?


I actually gained some of these traits through the relationship. I didn't have them before... I mean I did have anger and maybe emptiness, but not on the level as brought out by this relationship.
She brings out the worst in you, that's a given fact, but again, is this to her benefit, YOURS, or is this tying loose ends?

I was curious too. I think it was just to be more impersonal to me. She could have had the person that is actually handling it, send it. She is very vindictive to me right now. I want to ask her why she is so impersonal and vindictive to the person that knows her best in the whole world?

It is for both our benefits. I have the signed sheets to send in. Basically it is to receive my portion of the pension, because we used to work at the same place. I guess I needed to send all the copies, not just one. Who knows... I'll send. I didn't reply to the email.

Not sure why you need to go through her to get your pension.

Sounds fishy. Trying to get a desperate response out of you.

Deal directly with your employer.

Block her emails, ask your service provider.

You did good by not responding.

Glad you are seeking therapy. Learn as much as you can.

I was with someone with a severe personality disorder.
BUT, I was the one that failed to see it, or better yet denied it. And paid later.

Sometimes when we are "in love" we tend to let important things slide. And continue to.

Its good to understand our pluses & minuses, helps us to be more aware.

Believe me, now I can spot my ex's type a mile away.

There is no need to reply to her as this is business, and you taking it so personally is an indication of your own attitude that you need to examine. What should she have done, invited you to dinner? Put a smiley face at the end?

If this is for your benefit, what does it matter how a freakin, nuetral, sounding business text is delivered to you?

Help me understand what YOU expected this text to be? Where does it sound cold? What should she have added?

Well we worked at the same place, and I am due a pension. I guess I was short some of the signed copies. She could have had the other person send it, rather than email me directly.

I did type up a desperate response. A kind of "why are you so vindictive to me, i only wished the best for you. it was a toxic situation, why do you hate me?" type thing. Didn't send, but felt good typing it.

Therapist seems to be siding with me too much too. Maybe I am portraying things too much in my favor? I did exhibit some of the borderline personality tendencies myself.

There is no need to reply to her as this is business, and you taking it so personally is an indication of your own attitude that you need to examine. What should she have done, invited you to dinner? Put a smiley face at the end?

If this is for your benefit, what does it matter how a freakin, nuetral, sounding business text is delivered to you?

Help me understand what YOU expected this text to be? Where does it sound cold? What should she have added?

You are right. But she is so business oriented in the text... when the entire thing is obvious and simple and it is not even something she is handling. I don't know, it just seems cold and abrupt, but you are right. It is just a slap in the face to my denial. That I was so intimate with her and she is so business oriented to me now. 150% business oriented text, definitely more so than usually considering it is an office with 2 support staff, and I had the same job as her before she took it over from me.

I just want you to see how your own attitude makes you feel, and what you are doing to yourself, so you can stop it, and see its you making a bigger deal of something that is small and really, quite insignificant.

Then you will understand the need to cope with your attitudes, and feelings, in positive ways instead of becoming an irrational, illogical, jumble of weird feelings.

I just want you to see how your own attitude makes you feel, and what you are doing to yourself, so you can stop it, and see its you making a bigger deal of something that is small and really, quite insignificant.

Then you will understand the need to cope with your attitudes, and feelings, in positive ways instead of becoming an irrational, illogical, jumble of weird feelings.

That makes sense... One e-mail shouldn't send me into a tailspin. Even though I do believe she is getting pleasure out what she considers to be punishing me. I know this, because after one of our breakups I suffered, and she even so much as told me that I deserved it. Then felt like I had to pay for things to make up for the pain I caused her.

I don't know why - I want her to stop hating me! Because, she is the person that has 1) loved me most 2) been through the most with me 3) knows me most in the whole world, and she is displaying hatred towards me.

I will be the first to admit we shouldn't be together. In fact, I was the one who technically broke up with her. I was the one who didn't trust her. I poured my heart into it, but I became stagnant, a different person, I lost myself and it is only through the breakup that I would be able to be stronger and find myself.

But still, it is a terrible terrible feeling, that the person you love, and care for, and WOULD STILL do anything for, has not only a hatred for you, but a desire to push all your buttons- to feel good about getting into your head.

Any interaction from her since that day has been designed to get at me.

I don't know if this will make the remotest bit of sense to you but, as I was reading through this post I imagined something which seemed like a metaphor for your situation:

You have this picture in your head of your relationship, and it is the brightest, shiniest, most amazing picture ever. Only it is like a jigsaw and a large chunk of the picture isn't nice and shiny at all, it is made of pieces that are dark and frightening and don't fit with the rest of the pieces at all.

Part of the time you can only focus on those dark pieces and what you could have done to make them all nice and shiny, or what your ex could have done. Or whose fault it was that it couldn't all be a good picture.

Part of the time you can only remember the nice shiny parts and are blind to the dark patches.

After all we all know that all the pieces in a jigsaw are supposed to match up. But this one didn't and never will.

You have to try and accept the whole picture. Some of the relationship was good and some of it was bad. You simply cannot make the pieces fit together the way you wanted them to. It was what it was.

Also, the picture in your head will be different to that of your ex. You wanted her to agree, 'yes, if we had just done, x, y, z, we could have fixed it.' She won't see it the same way as you, she never did after all, or you wouldn't have had so many things to cause you problems in the first place.

No matter how long you spend looking you are never going to find the pieces that make the picture what you wanted it to be. Your job isn't to fix something that is over and done it is just to fully accept that it was flawed and now it is gone.

As to the recent impersonal e-mail you received, maybe she is just trying to say that she has moved on, maybe she is giving you the cold-shoulder, who knows. Stop trying to work it out. You might have stopped contacting her and looking in her e-mails but you are trying to see inside her head. You have enough to sort out in your own head, let her sort out hers.

Well we worked at the same place, and I am due a pension. I guess I was short some of the signed copies. She could have had the other person send it, rather than email me directly.


And then maybe you would be thinking, 'why didn't she e-mail me herself?'

"I will be the first to admit we shouldn't be together."

"Any interaction from her since that day has been designed to get at me.

So, stop projecting:

"Even though I do believe she is getting pleasure out what she considers to be punishing me"

Just leave her in the dust. Screw what she may think.

People like that don't deserve your time or thoughts.

That's punishment enough.

You guys have some great points. Thank you very much for sharing. I really appreciate the insight.

That is a great puzzle analogy.

Is there something twisted or weird in me that I want to wish her well? I have gradually become more and more positive in the past 6 weeks. I still care about her, I want to help her... She isn't going to be fixed just by dumping me. I mean, nothing of this nature could be 100% anyone's fault when nothing truly bad was done by anyone.

It is good to wish her well.

It is not good to see yourself as the solutiion to her problems. Maybe she needs fixing but that's not your job.

You worry about you.

Since it is a business email, should I just reply like "i'll send the copies tomorrow. best of luck. " or something?

Nope, just send them through the mail.

Direct them to who deals with pensions.

Then, keep on NC. Block her emails dude.

OK I'll send the papers in. No response.

I had an email typed up and ready. Even wrote some reflections and like a wish you well thing. But thanks to the feedback here I was able to keep NC. Another day done NC! Almost broke.

Never break NC.

Since you keep having urges to let her know how you feel, how about sitting down and writing every thing you wish you could address down in a letter, and then burning it.

I have used this in the past to help me deal with unresolved feelings, and I could feel myself letting go of some of them as I imagined them drifting away on the smoke.

I keep reflecting on our wonderful trips together. I keep thinking positive, reading positive books, and it makes me think so positive of her.

The first couple of weeks I had a "not meant to be attitude" but now it is turning into a what could it been, even though this situation is literally impossible to fix.

The more I try to erase her from my head, the most she appears. She is like a ghost.

My therapist told me today don't contact her, he'll bet $100 she won't respond, and it will just make it worse. Only contact her if it would make me hate her if she doesn't reply...

Since you keep having urges to let her know how you feel, how about sitting down and writing each and every thing you wish you could address down in a letter, and then burning it.

I have used this in the past to help me deal with unresolved feelings, and I could feel myself letting go of some of them as I imagined them drifting away on the smoke.

Good idea. I'll try that. I need to stop typing the urges, because when I type them, it is too easy to just click click send.

I honestly want to reach out and touch her.

The nature of our relationship... being intense, obessive, both of us being physically ill, the only focus of our lives, while we were both living in new places, with a pregnancy, disconnect from other friends, vidchatting talking non stop all day everyday, 100+ emails a day back and forth... just has created a monster.

Don't go in circles. You already know what to do.

Once again contact with her sent you spinning.

Seriously, block her. Whatever it takes. I did it.

You can too.

Remove the drama once & for all.

It seems to me like you are confusing forgiving her for wanting to be back with her. It is good to forgive her past behaviour. It is not good to imagine that the behaviour wouldn't happen all over again if you made contact. And it would hurt even more.

Remember you have to keep all parts of the picture in your mind.

Dont go in circles. You already know what to do.

Once again contact with her sent you spinning.

Seriously, block her. Whatever it takes. I did it.

You can too.

Remove the drama once & for all.

Her being the one to block me first, cut it off with me, made me panic at first, really put it off putting. She is blocking me out, rejecting me so easily, it makes me want to contact her more. I guess it is just natural for me to want to breakthrough somehow when she successfully NC against me.

I bet you will not believe, I was a 100x bigger mess when the events were unfolding and the week afterwards when she was claiming nervous breakdown...

I see the whole puzzle, but I just see my flaws. I forget hers... I see mine, and it wasn't me, it was the person I came.

I compared myself to what I was at this point last year and it is laughable how far I've fallen...

As you are blocking her from your phone & email, also delete every email to & from her, including her friends & family.

Delete all pix on your hard drive, phone, camera or dresser drawer.

And any mementos, love notes, gifts or anything else in plain view.

You need a serious dose of YOU, not her.

"successfully NC against me"

Can you see the irony?

Yes I've deleted her number (but have it memorized), all e-mails, FB blocked, view no pictures ever, all e-mails deleted with any mention of her.

Of course I have her email memorized, but not in my contact list anymore.

I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago.

Anyway MUST BE STRONG NC IS ONLY WAY TO GO. I broke it last week, but this time it is sticking.

So what can you do to make yourself more the person you were or want to be? Not what can you think or say but DO? Start with something small. Go for a walk and get a bit fitter. Read a book and learn something new. Help someone in need, try a little volunteering. Learn a new recipe. Anything positive that you fancy. Start on project YOU.

"I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago."

DELETE.

Don't log in to her email, c'mon. That's breaking NC too.

Problem I am having is, like I repeated, is that I am transforming my energy into positive. I am reading about how to do so, affirmations, this and that, becoming more positive, but it makes me want to share the positive energy with her. It is like making me feel too good.

"it makes me want to share the positive energy with her"

She is gone, though. Not in your life anymore.

Direct that energy everywhere else. Starting with you.

I agree with QLP. "Start on project YOU."

Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.
Make a plan that doesn't involve her.

And BTW, if you blocked her, why are you still getting texts & emails?

Just wondering.

It came from the work e-mail address. Don't know how to block the texts.

'Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.'
Brilliant.

Use that positive energy on YOU. Stop seeing NC as a temptation to be resisted and start seeing it as the key to freedom.

Call your phone company.

Block that old work email too. You don't work there anymore, plus she does.

If they need you, let them send a letter.

I found this link - The Loser1 - Relationship-Help (http://sites.google.com/site/selfhelprelationships/the-loser1)

We both exemplified so many of the effects:

Her:
HUGE ONE FIRST::::::
2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".

Me (things I did):

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie.

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".

"the key to freedom"

Yes. We all have different ones. Mine is beautiful. A big gold one.
Hidden right in front of me, and I still didn't see it.

Find it first, then unlock that s$$t!

I don't like the term "loser"

Have you heard of The Artist's Way?

Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher… (http://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Spiritual-Creativity-Workbook/dp/0874776945)

Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.

Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.

Have you heard of The Artist's Way?

Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher… (http://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Spiritual-Creativity-Workbook/dp/0874776945)

Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.

Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.

I am an electronic music DJ/producer and also can write well. I need to start doing that. And not obsessing.

Thanks for sharing that book, I will give it a try. You're recommendations and insight have been excellent.

Cool mon. Im a bass player. Play with 2 bands & working on another one.

No prob, want to see you get through this.

You will. Takes time & hard work.

Thanks man.

I don't know why I am fighting so hard against what was meant to be...

I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship.

It was two like people going into their own world, and when all the pages of the book were read, it wasn't very pretty.

I'm still internally fighting the breakup because the breakup was a sign of everything that was wrong with me. While I recognize I need the breakup to move forward- I was in a pain/pleasure relationship where I was either loving life or hating it- becoming a lifeless blob- it certainly didn't need the fireworks.

But I also thought that it meant something more, that we would work through what is wrong with both of us, not be dumped by a train.

Funny thing is, she was right and said "we have some growing to do, and the growth has to come from within." She is smart, and can be loving, but it also comes with a darker/stressed out/insecure side. I considered it part of the whole of her, accepted it all, because without one piece of her she would be a different person. I guess she was not so accepting of me - or maybe I didn't accept her, that is why I kept on shutting down/getting in bad moods/ resenting her.

Either way I feel this journey is necessary and when I look back on it, it won't be seen as something negative. In fact, July was miserable, but I don't remember it as such.

"I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship."

Bingo! Give yourself a gold star.

But, not so much what became of it. "It" in general.

Knowing ourselves before we jump.

"I feel this journey is necessary"

Yup. This isn't failure, quite the opposite.
Like I said, use this "gift", say thank you.

"I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship."

Bingo! Give yourself a gold star.

But, not so much what became of it. "It" in general.

Knowing ourselves before we jump.

"I feel this journey is necessary"

Yup. This isnt failure, quite the opposite.
Like I said, use this "gift", say thank you.

But then it gets back to the problem of me feeling guilt and remorse for being a controlling person... Granted, as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me and then denied doing anything wrong, and I offered a lot of good and love, but I was verbally abusive at times.

I'm seeing myself, as I was, in such a bad light for many of things I did and it makes me want to express my remorse to her. Even if the breakup was inevitable and she is crazy, I was legitimately not a good person to someone close to me.

You are missing the point.

"as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me"

"I'm seeing myself, as I was"

Miserable and confused.

Still are. Keep up w/the therapist.

If you want to feel remorse than feel it. Then let it go.
Just don't direct it towards her.

She was a manipulator, still is. Crazy or otherwise.
You both were crazy.

Now one of you can get sane. YOU.

Wow great perspective.

Both crazy. I was getting beaten down, portrayed as the crazy one. I didn't see her for crazy... I was blind blind lost after a certain point of no turning back.

I guess we did it to each other... It's just confusing cause I was happier when with her, had such great expectations, but was also so paranoid and lifeless.

"I was happier when with her"

At least you thought you were.

Not the case. You are still in denial.

"lifeless"??

That speaks volumes. Get your life back.

Its yours. Not hers, mine, the therapist's or anyone else's.

Like I said, try doing something that has nothing to do with her. Fun stuff.

You can enjoy life now.

Also having trouble convincing the therapist I have an issue! I explain it and he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do! And he says I am doing the right things... But having the answers and believing in them are two different things. I guess I have to keep acting on them and know they work.

"he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do!"

If you had it figured out, you wouldn't be in this, now would you?

Listen.

And yes, don't act on false belief.

Sounds like you need to take some time off from this.
Go, have some fun.

Been working on it, staying busy.

Thanks for your help man.

Enjoy those dates with yourself.

Later...

Been working on it, staying busy.

Thanks for your help man.

Wish I would have discovered this place a month ago. Sa
Helped myself sooner... Or even months ago

Just read this and felt like it was meant for me to read today:

"Scan the list of qualities again and take note of everything market not an option: selfishness, refusing to communicate, living like an outcast, over consumption, obsessive activity, and agression. If our cells know not to behave in these ways, why do we?"

Therapy is coming across somewhat useless.

I don't know if the therapy is working, because it basically is stuff we have already discussed. It made me feel worse, not better. I have already realized myself esteem issues dragged me into this mess. In fact, I had her point that out to me myself. I have seemed to regress since my latest appointment, my eyes are so sleepy I don't know why, and he said I don't have a disorder, yet I am not OK. I became crazy, literally, that is why he said there is a double blow of not only being dumped, but because of my own issues leading to it.

He said it sounds like for sure she had borderline personality, and that's why the good pulled me in.

He said I just need to work on myself esteem. But I knew that... it hurts, but I know I changed, that's why this all hurts so much. I know it was a sucker punch, but the therapist doesn't offer much in terms of what to do.

In fact you guys here offered more.

Stay with it. Give it some time.
Talk frankly. Ask him for some suggestions.

If after a while, you feel like you don't click with him, have him refer you to someone else.

I'll keep with it. He said I adopted some of her borderline characteristics... He said borderlines love to pull you in, better than any other, but watch out.

He again said I have no disorder... Been only a month and he said it's a big wham to who I was. He said she can turn off just like she can turn on because they go between delusion as the best and as enemy. So one day I'm dream man, as soon as I slip up- I'm crazy and the enemy.

But she is a smart one! Cause she has had these issues her life, she knows how to escape. I had myself esteem torn down, was going crazy all along but I didn't see it... Did not see it for a second. Now I do.

I was physically sick , and mentally sick. Pleasure and pain. Pleasure only with her pain only with her. Walking on egg shells. All other life was just filler... Pleasure pain pleasure pain one person a drug. Now in rehab.

Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose. The hardest part has been facing myself, coming to terms of the person I became. So fearful, addicted, obsessed- without ambition but to get my fill of the drug.

Last summer I was sick and couldn't go out. So I tried to learn Italian, wrote, worked on music, read literature. Then I became a drug addict. All my money and emotions to one habbit.

"Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose."

Yes.

Don't get too hung up on clinical diagnosis of her. Just look out for those types next time.

As far as you go, learn to deal with your habits, obsessions and self-esteem issues.

Remember that if you work hard, there will be benefits.
You are doing the right thing by seeking help.

She didn't, or does define you.

You will get through this & look back & say wow!
I am so happy now.

Thanks man. Another day nc. A few more baby steps in the right direction.

Day 5 NC.

Last night got a bit drunk and wrote an e-mail. Didn't send. That is a breakthrough I'm hoping.

Still lots of regrets for the person I became, confusion, but a bit more clarity as well.

Tough adjusting to being single after becoming reliant on a person.

Had a slip up today as I was at my friends apartment, and he left his Facebook logged on. I have her blocked, but he is friends with her and I briefly checked her FB profile to see if there was the pic of us in your profile pictures. It was and it set me back a bit... Still no contact though, still a mess, but must keep moving forward.

Also, yesterday another former co-worker visited the office where we worked and then this former co-worker, a friend of mine (who has taken my side, been a huge help through all of this) told me she was not looking very good. I read too much into this comment, and it went backwards today as well from it.

Tough part is that an entire area that used to be a home to me, an entire year of memories, and my place of employment have been spoiled by a sense of betrayal, regret, manipulation, and me becoming a terrible crazed person. I want those memories back, but they are tainted, they've become bad.

"I want those memories back"

You already have them. Good & bad.

You are doing great. Just resist temptation from now on, you've learned that lesson, huh? Right?

Remember, its over & in the past. Onward...

I still am not at a point that I could turn her down if she came back.

Everyone here knows how wrong she is, my family says she is broken and crazy, my friends say I should drop her if given the chance, red flag red flag by boss says, but still I need to reach the point where I am over her.

Because her personality type is never happy, always circles back, always plays the victim. I was not the cause of her unhappiness, and she won't have better relationships because I am gone.

I feel good owning up to my failures and improving

Well, you need more time then. She isn't going to come back and more importantly you shouldn't expect it or want it.

This was bad. You know it.

You are right. YOU are the one that has to realize.
Aside from me, this site, your family & friends.

"her personality type is never happy, always circles back, always plays the victim"

Sounds like you are still playing the victim.

Doesn't "really" sound like your are owning up.

Still in denial. Realize its dome for good first, then work on yourself.

Are we regressing?

I don't think regressing, I think I am getting stronger.

I woke up at my friends place today, as I did a month before, and I noticed a major improvement in where I was today as opposed to a month ago.

Yet still I'm in denial, because the intense moments of good won't come easily with someone else, if at all. Other relationships with other people I have had, never had this connection and good, but this came with bad too.

On it's face she is really the same person as me, in so many ways, or I became more like her... we brought out the worst in each other because of it.

But it makes me sick to think she is gone forever. I think this after effect was natural after spending a year idealizing someone, while myself esteem was low, a lot of stress and health issues, and that person acted like I was the greatest thing ever. So when that idealization is broken and that person flipped, I'm left with just the problems. I had this vision of things that was so skewed that I was acting crazy and didn't even realize it.

"I'm left with just the problems"

The only problems you are left with lies in your head.
Your own, not hers.

She's gone.

So get stronger, stop checking FB. That's included in NC, BTW.

I still find myself finding ways to get her back in my life somehow. In spite of everything... crazzzzy, stupid, but when you are in the moment, and spend a year idealizing someone as your soulmate, craziness happens.

She wasn't worth idealizing. No one is.

And wasn't your soulmate.

This is all in the past & now under your control.

Regressing on positive memories... Hard to break my mind from thinking she is my friend. She was all I talked to all day everyday for a year, still empty it's nothing and she thinks I'm ****

Day 6 no contact.

Regrets, why I just couldn't have fun with this chic, why it had to get all emotional BS

What Im most interested in is what your are doing for yourself.

"She was all I talked to all day everyday for a year"

That's part of it. All encompassing. Obsessive, right?

"she thinks I'm ****"

That's also in your head. You don't know. You aren't her.
Regardless, who cares?

Check out Byron Katie's 4 questions to ask yourself next time your head is spinning:

1.) Is it true?

2.) Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4.) Who would you be without the thought?

Then turn around the concept you are questioning, and don't forget to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.

Focus your thoughts on you take a vacation from her.

Right now I am staying busy with friends as much as possible, going to gym regularly, therapy sessions, working on the physical health problems that I neglected in the relationship, reading a good deepak chopra book, and trying to get back into music and writing. So I'm trying all things. Drinking too much when I go out though.

This is going to sound shallow, but I can't get over the fact I could basically still be having fun and having sex with her if I just didn't do anything. If I just backed off, calmed down. But I think I WAS CRAZY.

Do you mean ask those 4 questions to myself with the crazy thought that comes up? I'll work on that.

Yup. Ask those questions.

"having sex with her"

Don't confuse sex with love or a relationship.

Glad you are doing stuff, but at some point you will say to yourself: "Enough is enough"

Why am I wasting my precious time dwelling on someone & something that's gone. Not to mention not good for you.

The past. Like yesterdays paper.
Are you holding on to that?

That's true, the most important thing to remember, is that at first she brought out the best, but then the worst in me.

People don't define us.

If she brought out the best in you, then you must have had issues prior. Her too.

How were you before happy & carefree or dying for a girlfriend?

She is a user that cries wolf a manipulator, you are needy, insecure & obsessive.

She still has you in her clutches & she not even around.

Feels like crap, doesn't it. Take it from someone who got manipulated. All as I acted like nothing was wrong.

Stop the madness now. Take a breather.
Concentrate on your amazing life without her.

Way better.

People dont define us.

If she brought out the best in you, then you must have had issues prior. Her too.

How were you before happy & carefree or dying for a gf?

She is a user that cries wolf a manipulator, you are needy, insecure & obsessive.

She still has you in her clutches & she not even around.

Feels like crap, doesnt it. Take it from someone who got manipulated. All as I acted like nothing was wrong.

Stop the madness now. Take a breather.
Concentrate on your amazing life without her.

Way better.

I didn't realize I was insecure and needy, but I was sick and did not socialize for 8 months... (salmonella and mold poisoneing) finally met the new girlfriend when I was coming back to normal health. And my previous girlfriend of 2 years was moving to Angola and we would have to end things for good.

I was happy, ambitious, content, but was dying for a GF. So I thought I met a perfect match and dove in... she said all the right things, acted like I was perfect. But then I started breaking down and doubting her. Became so vulnerable. She is insecure herself.

I think in this case we both saw the same things in each other, good and bad, but also she got pregnant early and things got serious because of that. Also we did have so much fun together, talk all the time, but the truth is I was the one who was getting angry with her, not trusting her, doubting her more and more... She really had no problems with me except when I was constantly getting in bad moods towards her.

She made me nervous- I guess I knew all along she was two faced...

But I was nervous because I was insecure and because I knew her very well- better than she knows herself. I had reason to be nervous.

She did love me, that is for sure, and I her.

But we both were walking on eggshells, twisted.

It's sad to admit that she was a user and a manipulator, I had no idea, but when I tell people things, they say how she was playing games. Yet it isn't fair to put all the blame on her, like I said, I was CRAZY

Yeah she had me in the palm of her hands since the first time she broke up with me... and I got squeezed more ever since then.

Although for some reason the previous breakups when we kept talking I didn't mind so much, I was way calmer. I think it is more the psychological shock of no contact and not being in each others lives. I was kind of OK after the breakups where we kept talking.

All you need to know is that's its done. Wasn't & isn't right.

Then your next thought.
Hopefully a good unrelated done.

Yeah done, scary to realize still, done.

Feel as if I had a conversation in person I could easily talk her out of it, she probably knows it too, but I've realized I needed my life back in order without her

"feel as if i had a conversation in person i could easily talk her out of it, she probably knows it too."

Talk her out of what? ITS DONE. NOTHING ELSE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER!

"scary to realize still"
Not sure what you are afraid of. A better life?

C'mon, man. I was accused of being an attention magnet here, but really...

Take a step back. Read through your thread a dozen more times. Take a rest, listen.

Don't beat your head against the wall anymore.

Im sick of her. You?

Yes sick of her. Posting here somehow keeps it from taking over my daily life. Clearly the toughest part of all this has been the realizAtion of the person I became, and not her.

I knew all along this would happen with her... Up and down, talking marriage then breakup on and off for months. It's why I snapped I knew it. But still it was me who snapped and became a bum, and a year as that person is taking hard to get over even though I am fixing it. I couldn't imagine being that person for the rest of my life - scary.

Interesting links on what its like to be in relationship with someone with borderline personality / break up

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. (http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm)

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm)

These are some really great articles, and right on the money! Thanks for posting the links.

Yeah, good ones. Thanks.
Going to put those in my file.

I lived that crap too. Its good that you are digging.
Just make sure you balance that with fun.

Thanks for the insight VH and everyone else. It has been very helpful to vent here. Posting here instead of an email to her has been a life saver. Today is day 8 of NC and going strong. I feel these past few days went easier and easier... Looking forward to getting past my previous long of 16!

Good. Just stay NC & you have nothing to worry about. Don't ever falter.
Takes time. Use it well.

Most of us have been there at least once.
It gets better.

The difficulties for me are like sine waves, they peak with certain events that is a reminder of what could have been, and they are their low when I am busy distracted with important things in life. However, I have yet to go for a few hours without thinking about her.
The beautiful thing about these articles is that I have realized it is not about her really, it is about me who accepted the idealization of me and the relationship, and the subsequent "high" addiction that comes with it. So when it abruptly ended, it is feeling like a withdrawal.

The difficulties for me are like sine waves, they peak with certain events that is a reminder of what could have been, and they are their low when I am busy distracted with important things in life. However, I have yet to go for a few hours without thinking about her.
The beautiful thing about these articles is that I have realized it is not about her really, it is about me who accepted the idealization of me and the relationship, and the subsequent "high" addiction that comes with it. So when it abruptly ended, it is feeling like a withdrawal.

That is a perfect depiction, I understand exactly what you are saying.

Hopefully we both realize that we are addicted to doing things with a GF and having fun with someone special, and not this particular person.

Bingo, buddy. Glad to hear it!!

Listen, man. We all go through that rollercoaster of emotions.

That's going to continue for a while. But up to you how to control it.

Its funny, another persons unrelated thread here tonight sent me back to some deceitful actions of my ex.

I was thankful for that. I got clearer.

You will too.

Do you think its possible I have some borderline personality traits? I was becoming irritable, anxious, losing my temper, panic attacks, fear of abandonment...

But I think fear of abandonment is only natural when you feel the other person in the situation is too good to be true- that something isn't right.

Fear itself is natural, as it protects us, and ,makes us alert to danger, or if carried to extremes we get paranoid, so all human emotions are natural to us, but to what degree we have them, and how we deal with them is what defines our thoughts. And actions.

Fear itself is natural, as it protects us, and ,makes us alert to danger, or if carried to extremes we get paranoid, so all human emotions are natural to us, but to what degree we have them, and how we deal with them is what defines our thoughts. and actions.

I became obsessed with the fear I guess, I just completely became overwhelmed with it. Fear of the next breakup, fear of her kissing another guy... I'm not happy with any of my actions taken during 2010. Thanks for the insight.

So your fear is controlling you because you can't seem to control it.

So your fear is controlling you because you can't seem to control it.

Yep sounds like it.


Just read "Fear and anger are its responses to most powerful threats. When your body registers either emotion, some outside force is pushing against your boundaries.... An experience is creating stress, and that happens because instead of flowing through you, that experience has hit a barrier."

Hey outoftime,

Don't try to diagnose yourself, especially regarding BPD. This disorder is one of the most difficult to diagnose even for experts. I would not throw the term around loosely, so don't worry about it, but if you are concerned, see a psychiatrist whose specialty is BPD. Even in terms of my ex, I believe she was exhibiting some characteristics of BPD very strongly, but I can't be sure she was suffering from that disorder, because the traits have to be present for long period and pervasive. In my case, she professed her love to me in 3 weeks, called me her soul mate and idealized the relationship without ever seeing me first. I kept telling her that I have a lot of flaws, tried to lower the expectations, but she would have none of it, and then when we saw each other, the chemistry just was not there.
Anyway, I am working on the issues that were present in my relationship some of which had BPD tendencies. I am working on them to ensure that I don't fall in the same trap, and improve myself. Instead of worrying about whether you are suffering from the disorder, do the same. Analyze your mistakes, forgive yourself, and work on yourself so you don't make the same mistakes, whether it was obsessive behavior, or some other thing.
By the way, remember, those with BPD project a lot, and it is very possible that a partner of a BPD will sometimes show those tendencies after a while (FYI), not saying that is what happened to you.

" am working on them to ensure that I dont fall in the same trap, and improve myself. Instead of worrying about whether you are suffering from the disorder, do the same"

I couldn't agree more. Don't overanalyze.

I agree completely. The logic is coming to me, however slowly.

I for sure don't have BPD, as I saw my therapist again today. I did have some issues that tended to cause me to mirror her behavior.

Saw the therapist today.

- He said you do tend to mirror the other person in relationships.
- He said that the things that made me insecure would make any person insecure.
- He said you can't be perfect in any early relationship, you have to learn from it, and I'm so forgiving of her and not myself.
- He said why would I want something if it made me a worse person.
- He said the things I did were not as bad as what she did.
- He said I am definitely not borderline personality, maybe just clingy, but that is something I can look out for in the future.
- He said the intensity/dependency in this relationship will take a few months to move past.

Forgiving myself is now at the point where I am struggling with the most.

All he mentioned sounds right on to me.

"He said why would I want something if it made me a worse person"

That's an important one to realize & remember (applies to everything in life)

Healing takes time. You will come out of this a smarter & stronger person.

Stronger smarter no doubt.

Now to get rid of the guilt.

And someday reclaim the good memories.

You are right .

You will.

Ya know, emotions like guilt, jealousy, and others, are ones that I don't like having in my head or around me. But when then they do pop up, I let them in & try to understand why they are knocking at my door. Have a chat with them, then tell them "thanks, now see ya later"

There's always a reason why.

Like you mentioned, guilt and forgiveness go hand in hand.

We have all done, at some point, things that we may not be proud of & wish we could take back.

But, the best remedy is to be good, do good, and continue on a good path. All while being aware and open minded.

That's learning from our mistakes.
Because the past is the past.

Blaming yourself or anyone else will never help. Just a waste of mental energy.

When people say here that actions are what's important, its true. To make sure that your actions, from now on are ones that are pure, without guilt, just goodness.

Then, guilt won't rear its ugly head. And if it does, you will know why.

This breakup, I want you to know, is just one of many lessons you will learn from.

The more curveballs, the easier it is to cope, or knock them out of the park.

Wow excellent post. Thanks!

No prob.

You have to change you name from "outoftime"

To "allthetimeintheworld"

A bit long though...

Maybe "timeisonmyside"

Yeah.

Keep us up to dated on how things are going.

Day 12 nc.

Woke up feeling like sending a nice email , but came to my senses knowing I will only regret it later and it would only make it easier on her.

It's getting easier and easier to trust what other people are saying.

Even if I don't believe it in my heart, my head is taking over my actions.

Worst part now is realizing the monster I became- why did I let someone manipulate me? Why did I prioritize one person so much? Why did I get so much anxiety and fear over nothing? The answers to those questions have been somewhat found, and I don't like them. That's the issue now.

Forget the monster. She's gone.

I didn't particularly like what I discovered about my ex or myself either, but wanted to heal as fast as I could.

So I faced them with strength.

All of those questions lie within you. Ask them in your next therapy session.

And you are right when it comes to sending an email, one, she doesn't deserve it & two it will reinforce the power she had over you.

Glad you were strong. Keep it up.

I will admit, I am too eagerly looking forward to the day she comes back so I can reject her. Being painted crazy while also loving someone created the anxiety in me... The anxiety is gone now.

12 days in, I can't wait for 30.

She won't.

That's your job. To never let her.

By NC. Builds strength.

Chuff said to me when I was struggling:
"The opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference"

That's the ultimate retribution.

Can't wait for 30 either. Enjoy those next couple of weeks.
You may be surprised how fast they go.

Just be good & have fun. Don't beat yourself up.

I've heard that quote. That's my goal.

I've learned so much, so much.

I would be at 30 if I didn't break down 2 weeks ago.

Good lesson.

Today is actually Day 13. I miscounted. Still going.

Still had a delusion this morning that I could somehow make sense to her. But I believe what people say to me now. That it will do no good. If she is BPD, this is inevitable, I am a worse person with her. I can't save her if she is ill.

Yup. No longer your worry.

I've been posting on the BPD forum a bit. I basically adopted some traits as a defense mechanism.

I think I saw the warning signs how she used her ex-bf's to boost her ego. How she could never admit to being wrong. How I felt under appreciated. I felt something wrong- there is this girl obsessed in love with me wanting to marry me- but something was so insecure about it. Which is weird, right? TO get nervous when someone is professing undying love to you after 5 months of long distance dating? Ha

Stop diagnosing & start living.

She's gone, no longer in your life.

You are here.

The sooner you let her & this go, the sooner you can have peace of mind.

It's just she was convincing me I was the crazy one, it's been eye opening in therapy when I say things she said/did and the therapist basically laughts.

I was gaslit to believe I needed therapy from her. LOL she wanted to break up while I went to therapy to control my two text message anger outbursts. I have been wasting time lately on the fence on what was happening.

I am not proud of my actions, but I think she was crazy

Your still wasting your time on her.

Crazy or sane. Who cares? She's long gone.

Did you ever step back & think how many hours you are still spending on her? Trying to analyze every little thing? Why she STILL has such a hold over you?

Dude, its really time to let her go. For your own good.

Yeah complete waste of time, big time.

I've realized that the past no contact attempts I made, I got weak after about 2 weeks... The distance makes me feel better about her, and I get stronger. So today, at day 14, I realize I got to stick with it and get past this hump.

I looked back at my calendar, and thought about how I felt on certain days prior, and it is comforting to think how much better I am now than I was at the beginning. While it seems crappy, like going to a club last night without a girlfriend to dance with, it is by far better than where it was earlier onwards.

It is just a slow process, because I was literally driven temporarily crazy.

Well day 14 no contact. I am going to take a break from posting here for a few days because, I don't talk about it in life anymore (except with therapist and sometimes family), so will stop typing about it for a bit to stop re-enforcing it in my head.

18 days NC today.

Slight set back with old boss inviting me to her going away lunch tomorrow. I declined, am going to meet the old boss for lunch next week after the ex is gone.

21 days today

I would like some further feedback. The entire time of our relationship I was going through some undiagnosed illness that was keeping me from functioning normally, even though I tried to be normal. She was supportive at times for this, as this illness made my life a nightmare and the therapist said fueled the obsessive behavior because I was away from her and could not function in normal activities and was just left to talk to her.

In a way, her positive energy and support for me helped me through a rough year in my life.

Yesterday, was a day of great relief and shock to me as they found some protozoa infections in my intestines and liver which have been causing all kinds of problems for me. I am dying to share it with her, because she took the brunt of my suffering, and helped me through it.

Bad idea?


Anyway, this seems all meant to be. Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue. The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness.

Yup.

Leave her alone, and keep getting healthy. Mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. Glad you solved a problem, but keep working on yourself, without her.

When something great happens in your life your first instinct is to call the one you feel close to.

I can totally relate to that.

But, she's not yours anymore to call. You two have moved on.

Your business is not her business anymore.

Yes, well said.

Plus, why would you want to break NC?

You are doing so well.

Wouldn't want to start over now, would you?

It is a terrible situation when you love someone but can't be with them.
But it happens all the time. Love does not mean compatibility and happiness.

It can mean you are drawn to someone who , when you are together,you cannot get along with each other.
This is glaringly evident in your case.

Keep some dignity and self respect and DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER IN ANY FORM!

Move on and work on healing yourself.
It's hard, it takes a long time, and you can't "switch off" love so it will be painful.

But it will get more confusing and painful if you keep trying to live the lie of, "we can make it work". Not in this case.
And you know it deep down.

Stop hoping and start healing.
It is hard , I know. But it will eventually fade as long as you stop rekindling it.

I wish you well

Thanks everyone. I kept with it, 22 NC. Did not want to start over again, that is for sure.

Glad I am at the point where I can listen to other people objectively, as even though I almost get a huge urge to send something, I remember every single person says otherwise, and every single person can't be wrong.

I just realized how much my mood changed with an actual semi-diagnosis yesterday, and having this issue (2 years undiagnosed) really messed with my mood and created such isolation and desperation in me. Even chemically messed with my mood. Found out I have a protozoa parasitical infection in my liver and large intestine that 40,000 people die from a year, as well as a bacterial infection in my stomach lining that leads to stomach cancer. So obviously this was big news for me. Wipes out anything bad with her clear out of the window.

It just gave me a false hint of what could have been if I was healthy. And a reminder of having no one for a year when I was sick.

She is a straight up literal borderline personality chic that drove me crazy. I don't know why I care so much, but I think from seeing the borderline personality forum that people who date borderline people get sucked in BAD.

Well it's been a month since I first posted this. I came a long, long way. I wasn't even a functioning person a month ago, and now see a lot more positives in myself and an improved sense of confidence. Everyday, I think of her less and less.

At times, I feel 'what could have been' but at times I feel good about myself and the unknown future I have. I don't need to have a GF who needs her ego fed and craves attention and flips on me. I need someone better. It is so clear that I only wanted to stay with her because I wanted a companion, and I was addicted. Not because I was happy with her.

I really want to thank all of you here who offered a lot of time and effort. You've been great, and vanheart you many times stopped me from doing something crazy.

I went to the Dr. and found out I had an ethical obligation to tell her about the bacteria thing. It can be passed through saliva. I actually think I got it from her, cause she had her own stomach problems. I did not have it last summer, but had it this summer, and she is the thing in the middle. So I texted messaged her a joke, then that I had this thing I am going to get better, and she freaked out that she is at risk, and I told her she has no symtpoms, I was just being nice, and I didn't have this until I met her. Maybe it's the cause of her stomach problems. She wished me well and said she hopes I am doing well and had a good birthday and I said, well I don't remember what I said, but something along the lines of if you don't have the symtpoms you are OK, don't worry, you're fine. Good luck. Don't be scared.

I am no longer living in continually anxiety. My body has a general sense of relief that I didn't have during the relationship and after it. It feels good.

In case anyone else is reading this, I know it is hard, and I know I couldn't follow their advice all of the time, but trust the people who are hear regularly giving advice. They are there for a reason. I know the heart can't always follow the mind, but it will eventually come around.

Happy to hear you are doing better.

Let that be the last of your contact with her.

One thing I know is the busier I am with stuff, the less I thought (or think) about my ex or anything about by breakup.

See? Didn't even right then. Hehehhe.

I realized during that contact that I didn't even like contacting her. She of course is freaking out, because that's all she did was freak out. Drive me mad freaking out so much. I used to have no anxiety. But now I have learned not to internalize other people's anxiety.

I learned that if you ever have to use the words "betrayed" or "abandoned" or "manipulated" then you have let yourself get too far into something. You need to be enough on your own, and no one should have that much sway on you. (I guess the exception is perhaps Parent/child brother/sister relationships). But in terms of a gf/friend, it is clear that I was buying into a story I wanted to believe and she wanted to sell. It's easy to sell when she mirrors me, promises me anything, worships me... but now I know, hard lesson to learn in so many ways.

Thankfully I found this place and helped people guide me in the right direction. However long it took.

Well done out of time, you are no longer out of time, but with time :). Good for you, very glad to hear it, and you have indeed come a long way. I wish you all the best, I am definitely getting much better too. Time to live life, and enjoy it.