Need more advice. I had a procedure today, endoscopy where they looked in my stomach and small intestine. It was severely inflamed and infected with growths. They took biopsies, so not sure the extent of the damage yet, but am starting a strong antiobiotic treatment. One of the things is easily transmittal through saliva, do I have an ethical duty to inform her of the severity of it? Yesterday I just said what it was in a lighter context.

Today was not good news. I mean good news I discovered it. But more severe than anticipated.

Uggh no matter who had it first, she is going to think I now gave her some crazy disease.

Wait until you know the results & find out the details.

Your health is what's important.

If it turns out that she may have contacted something, then ask your doctor to notify her.

NC is NC.

Don't jump to conclusions, or cause yourself unnecessary stress. She may be unaffected.
Remember SHE is no longer in your life to worry about.

Just you. Remember?

Don't look for reasons to contact her.

Thanks. What a disaster this year has been for me. I'm moving to a new place on Friday, time for a new start!

You guys here probably spread this whole process along months, and saved me stress, and were a great outlet for my frustration. Not out of the woods yet, but a great help.

Good.
There's way more than crying over an ex.

It was more about the person I became. How far from myself I gradually devolved into during the relationship. The therapist seemed to think I am on the right track- that I put too much fault on myself - that her actions and issues would cause issues with any boyfriend. In fact, it had according to her pattern.

It just, you know, was a combination of dependence, being hurt, shock, and my own illness + my own loss of self identity. A horrible combination to say the least!

So she is hitting me up now. She has "no hard feelings towards me." I have been curt and just acting indifferent. I feel I don't know the girl. She all of a sudden, upon arrival in foreign country where we were going to move together, tries to email and chat with me, etc, etc, comment on how far I am living from her here, etc,
Her feelings seemed pretty hard when she was sending me home on a train and refused to talk to me for 2 months!

She's just trying to bait you.

Don't take the hook. Ignore her & stay NC.

So she is hitting me up now. She has "no hard feelings towards me." I have been curt and just acting indifferent. I feel I don't know the girl. She all of a sudden, upon arrival in foreign country where we were going to move together, tries to email and chat with me, etc, etc, comment on how far I am living from her here, etc,
her feelings seemed pretty hard when she was sending me home on a train and refused to talk to me for 2 months!

If you don't open them, you won't feel the need to respond in any fashion.

Treat her emails like spam, block and/or delete them.

Good luck and may you have a speedy recovery.

What's she trying to bait me? She wants me back begging for her? She wants to use me?

She is so predictable

Agree. Block her.

Why are you even talking to her and going back to the confusion? What can you gain?

Don't answer, I already know, NOTHING but confusion, and distraction, and a longer healing process.

What's she trying to bait me? She wants me back begging for her? She wants to use me?

She is so predictable

Time to get off the merry go round with her.

Do you really want to let her stir your emotions up and waste even more time on her. This could be time spent on yourself.

You were not good enough two months ago then why are you OK now?

Because it suits her. Once she's got her fill of you... NEXT!!

You know this is not OK. So do something about it. :mad:

I know it's not OK. I was thrown away like trash.

Now she says she is depressed and lonely.

I feel bad for her :/ I've done so much growing up, and she is a wreck right now. I'm not a wreck anymore (thanks the people here greatly!)

You feel bad for her, that's OK. Its good to care, but don't act on it or use it as an excuse to maintain contact as what she does in her life is none of your business anymore.

She's a big girl. She made her owns decisions which gave the outcome she has now. All her choice. Let her live with it and don't waste anymore time feeling bad and letting it drag you down :(

Who cares what your ex says

It is a terrible situation when you love someone but can't be with them.
But it happens all the time. Love does not mean compatibility and happiness.

It can mean you are drawn to someone who , when you are together,you cannot get along with each other.
This is glaringly evident in your case.

Keep some dignity and self respect and DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER IN ANY FORM!

Move on and work on healing yourself.
It's hard, it takes a long time, and you can't "switch off" love so it will be painful.

But it will get more confusing and painful if you keep trying to live the lie of, "we can make it work". Not in this case.
And you know it deep down.

Stop hoping and start healing.
It is hard , I know. But it will eventually fade as long as you stop rekindling it.

This is sooooooo true!

Love does not = happiness!

Happiness comes from within.

My last relationhip was just drama, drama, drama!
My ex burnt me with a ciggarette, whipped me with a towel and verbally abused me when he was drunk. He called me names like slut and whore and he used to go online chatting to girls and making me feel bad about being insecure about it! Would you believe it, after 2years of this behaviour (with the exception of some really good days and trips etc) i stayed with him! I loved him I said!

Love? Is this love worth it if It makes me feel so crap? Is this love worth it, if I don't have an identity of my own? Is this love worth all my heartache and tears?

you know what despite the abuse, addiction and drama... It was only after we were on a break and I got with someone else was when I realised I was not happy!

I had someone that loved me but the love was not healthy, in fact it was destructive. And it took me getting with someone else to begin to realise this.

Then it got to the point where my ex begged me back and I got back with him but more for pitty and it was clear that we were the same insecure people in the same destructive relationship so the cycle continued. For my sanity and for his I eneded our relationship.

I thought it would be really hard and it was at first but it got easier especially when you realise what you are worth and by not settling yourself.

Real love, the healthy kind is easy!

A good healthy Relationship should not be such hard work, not really. Obviously you need to put effort into it and compromise and stuff but if you are constantly arguing about things then there are underlying issues that need to be resolved.

And in my last relationship mine and my ex relationships issue could not have been resolved unless we separated, because the issues we had lied within us as individuals and having two people with issues in a relationship is just destruction!

Whilst you and this girl are not together you really need to use this time to get to know who you are and what you want in life.

Good Relationships are bonuses to our own individual happiness and should not be seen as a dependency or an obsession!

Would you believe that after dramatic relationship (arguing nearly every other day) I am now very happy in a pretty much drama free relationship with a guy (my baby's dad) that loves me the healthy way and we argue hardly ever. And when we do argue it's a disagreement and not full blown drama. We will disagree every so often (comon he is a guy and I am a woman) but if it ever got to the point where we become destructive then we will have to find out why and if we cannot resolve our issues then we'll have to move on.


I hope this helps you. Stay strong... and remember happiness comes from within. Rekindle time with your family, go out with your mates. Date yourself and a girl will come along when you least expect it cause you will be busy having fun and enjoying life!

Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it. That is very wise, and coming from exactly where I was. Thanks again. I am coming to the point where I feel I am being myself again, actually being better than the person I was.

Well once again I made a mistake. Got sucked back into more confusion.

Really ugly stuff happened, really ugly things said. A repeat down the same path. She guilts me, blames me, I feel bad, then she also does the same to another ex boyfriend at the same time. I find out reading her chat, she finds out I read her chats. She tells me I am the only person she has ever loved and isn't ready to see me physically. But is also doing the same with the ex 2 years before me. Then trashing us both on the side to everyone else.

I was completely used. Contact went back into the spiral.

Then after a heated online altercation, it seems like it is over for good. Now.

Very traumatic once again.

Once again I was wrong, you all were right. In fact everyone in my life told me she is manipulating me and using me.

The only thing for sure now is that there is denial anymore, AND she is FOR SURE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY.

Absolute filth, I didn't believe it, honestly I still loved her through it all. Pathetic.

Sometimes, it takes a couple getting knocked down a couple of times to learn to walk away and stay away. It sounds like you may have finally learned.

Are you going to try NC? I hope if you do, you stick with it.

Best wishes for getting your life back in order without the drama.

Yes going no contact for sure. She just messed with my head so much more. We both said such mean things to each other. I feel terrible, absolutely terrible.

I said such mean stuff. She is such garbage, but like I loved her, this is really hard. I became a bad person once again. I sent her a link to this: *deleted*

How many times can you run head first into a brick wall without busting your head? Let me know what you come up with.

Apparently I am pretty persistently stupid. Not like I don't have family, friends, therapist, and you people telling me not to.

One friend - "drop her like a bad habbit"
Another - "psycho *****"
Another - "she is manipulating you"
Another - "i told talk about trash"
Etc etc etc

Yet I was in denial. When she tells me she needed the time off to recover from the things I did, it made me feel close to her.

That's why sticking with NC is crucial.
Keeps her from sucking you back in.

I am a lapdog sock puppet to her.

Things started normal, but then it became seemingly manipulation and I started to get desperate/crazy again. As expected.

Then it turned really ugly and I let her have it, how she is using and controlling me, how she needs ego's to boost herself.

So she contacts me claiming to be "depressed and lonely" after not hearing from her for 2 months. I suspected she is trying to use/control me, but feel confident and go with it.

Against all advice from my family, friends, and people online I jump in. At first I don't care, but my head gets crazy dreaming of the clinger phase.

Get sucked in mentally more and more.

We start talking online, off and on, I am very nice with her issues.

I start to get sucked back in and feel pretty good and ask to hang out. Rejected.

I then get kind of desperate, but end contact after the rejection. I regret it the next morning and send a heartfelt email leveling with her. Big mistake, she says I am insulting her.

So we talk and I am levied with guilt for the time I lost my cool towards her the last time we hung out. She says "98% I am the best bf ever" and "2% she can't live with" and she is "only talking to me because I need to learn I can't speak to women like that" that "she is going through some very difficult times in her life (as always), and can't physically see me yet. Isn't ready. But I am the only person she has ever loved. She tells me I am only tearing her down to try and get back with her.

So then after this chat, in which I am given the brunt force of what was wrong, I send an email explaining things and standing my ground a bit. She doesn't reply, but we chat again and she says she appreciates the email but needs time to think it over.

The next day I realize I can't take this push and pull and say I am never going to contact her ever again and I can't have everything entirely on her terms. Again, the next morning I regret it.

She doesn't reply, blocks me, and then I look into her emails (have her password.) She trashes me in them, saying I am harassing her and she has no plans to hang out. She is also stringing along an ex boyfriend before me! Stringing both of us along! While trashing us on the side.

She could tell I checked her email and it ended up with telling me I am a monster and a horrible person and crazy and psycho, and me telling her she is pathetic that has to string along multiple guys to boost her own pathetic sense of self. That she has to use people because she has borderline personality disorder and she said she was just saying hi and I was the one that wanted to get back together. I said I never wanted to get back together with, that she was just playing me and I knew all along. She said that I enjoy bring people down for fun, and I said go back to so and so XXX for sympathy, you just used the abortion to guilt me, that you are so destructive everything you touch becomes a mess. She said I have no sense of respect and I said she is delusional and a pathetic waste of a year of my life. And I said that she enjoys hurting guys to boost her own ego, manipulates and preys on people and I fell for it again. And she said I am crazy and half the things I say don't make any sense. And I said it is pathetic that I cared about her.

Then she emails me threatening, and I say I am done don't worry I won't read your emails anymore.

I then send her a link to the article on this site about how a BPD relationship progresses. I then get more angry for being blasted and say mean things about how she trashes all her friends behind their back, and how I knew all along she tried to control me and use me.

Safe to say we won't be talking again. Sad to say I would still take her back, as foolish as it sounds.

I am an idiot. For being mean, for becoming engaged, for becoming attached again, for being used and knowing it.

At this point, having followed your story not just on this board, but on other forums, I have to tell you, it is not her. It is YOU. You got big problems that you need to solve within yourself. Until then, stay away from dating, and relationships, otherwise you will create havoc in your life and other people's lives. She might be BPD, but internally, you have a lot of work to do. Seriously.

Clearly I got messed up and made every mistake in the book, but how is it me?

Because it was you who didn't handle yourself very well or wisely. She may bear some blame but you are responsible for your actions. Blaming others never works. Its just an excuse we give ourselves to justify why we screwed up.

Its you who couldn't leave her alone, and it doesn't matter what she did.

Now you can feel guilty, stupid or whatever you want, you are responsible for dealing with your own feelings and making good decisions for yourself, no one else.

It is your life isn't it? Then own it.

I'm not blaming others. I was a complete idiot. For some reason I thought things would start working out. But then it became clear I was being used. Obviously it was a mistake to get back involved, a mistake to start daydreaming about things working out, I was in such denial. But I was being led to think things were working out, when really I was being played. I should never have let it have gotten to that point, but after feeling guilty and pity for her, I really began to feel she was a victim of my actions and of other circumstances.

I agree with Tal. In fact was just going to say the same.

After this last episode, I started to wonder if you are really invested in healing.

In one breath, you comment on how much havok she wreaks, then say you would take her back in a second.

That's some deep seeded things you need to look at.

Start by envisioning the kind of person YOU want to be. How to build on your strengths & change the negatives.

Once you get there, then you can look at who to bring into your life.

Stop blaming yourself & her. That's not going to help.

Its time to close this chapter & start a new one.

She may of being playing you, but, you let her. You knew what she was like, past behaviour is an indication of future behaviour. You know that. So its your responsibility to protect YOU. Not hers. Up to you to say no isn't it?

Anyway, what's done it done. What's next?

Im rocking up to 4 months of NC now Out Of Time, so would you be if you'd kept to NC.

Im pretty sure I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than you right now.

Please stop doing this to yourself. Its self inflicted torture!!

Yep once again you are all right, and I am all wrong. :(

yep once again you are all right, and i am all wrong. :(

I am getting the impression that you would really like to be 'right' and prove everyone else 'wrong'. As though everyone was against her and you and you wanted to turn everything around and have that great love that romance movies are made about. That doesn't really in reality.

I know your confidence in your personal judgment is shaken. You need to let go of the self-doubt and start rebuilding your trust in yourself. Instead of putting yourself on a guilt trip and dwelling on all of the negatives, take what you learned from all aspects of the relationship and move forward.

So what? We all have been wrong, we all have made mistakes, we have all farted loudly at the check out line at the store? So what??

The difference is some people cry, and wallow on the pity pot about it, and let their mistakes beat them. And some people say aw shucks, learn, and do better next time.

Now decide, which are YOU. The decision you make is what separates the men from the boys (girls from women), winners from losers, so choose wisely.

I wanted to believe that I was the 100% crazy person, just so that the entire relationship wasn't a lie. Wanted to believe that she was really a good friend, at least at the time wanted to marry me, that we could be rational and at least normal once again.

I knew that we could never be together again, but I did want to prove people wrong in someway. I wanted to believe that I could touch her again somehow, but, but now I see that is impossible. In her head everything she does is entirely normal and I am the complete crackpot. I tried to explain that her deciding that she wanted to marry me and moving to another country to follow me before we even were together isn't normal. That she needs help just as much as I did.

I let myself get to the degrading point again, and then when it happened I stood up and told her what the truth is. I did not deflect from my fault, but it was just a wake up call from the denial. All the posts here and my mom and friends telling me wasn't a wake up call. I was in denial because I wanted to believe that a beautiful, smart, accomplished girl would make me the man of her dreams (that it wasn't just because she built a false illusion of me based on the way I could make her feel).

She always plays the victim, and my friend told me "she is using you, probably telling her friends behind your back how pathetic you are" I didn't believe it because she started clinging to me with her old issues, guilt about our abortion, what I did wrong, some emotional issues going on in her head that she was struggling with, depression, opening up about major issues inside of her that made me feel good again to be a shoulder for her to lean on and try to help her.

As it turns out, she was baiting me so that I could be "wanting to get back together again" and she could complain to all her friends that I couldn't get over her.

No only was she doing it to me, but to someone else, I mean everything she once told me could very well be a lie. And she can't see it. How she just flat out lies.

I wanted to believe most of all that she wasn't mirroring me, that I really did find a soulmate somewhat and did find it easily. But just like she turned on for me, she is turned off- completely splits from perfect to horrible.
This latest thing has been the wake up call from denial, I thought I had moved past it to a better place where I could deal with it all. But there is no dealing with it.

No matter what, she brings out the worse in me, and every guy she dates for that matter.

Well vanheart you were exactly right. She talked to me just to bait me. Bait me to nothing. I didn't want to believe it.

Thanks you are absolutely right. I was watching things on tv/movies and seeing the impossible.

Quote: "No matter what, she brings out the worse in me, and every guy she dates for that matter"

Quote: I really began to feel she was a victim of my actions and of other circumstances"

There're two main things you keep doing, from reading your posts, You blame yourself, or You blame her. And you know what? It's totally USELESS and WASTE OF TIME and COMPLETELY POINTLESS TRYING TO OVER ANALYSE EVERYTHING AND POINT OUT HER BEHAVIORS OR YOUR OWN BEHAVIORS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. You and her broke up, done, end, not compatible, and whatever problems she has or you have, it's just not working. Why don't you just accept it, focus on you, then learn from it, move on, live your life and not look back?

It's about 2 months now and you seem not making any progress towards your own healing. Keep over anlyse things and point out your ex' problems or your own problems over and over again are definitely not the way that help you move on at all. IN FACT, I SENSE THAT YOU DON'T EVEN ACCEPT THE BREAKUP, STILL FEEL RESENT IT, AND YOUR MIND IS JUST KEEPING OBSESESSED WITH HER.

You know that it's funny how you agree with lot of us here, saying we're right, great advices, and thanks for sharing our situations with you. The thing is that I don't think you seriously think through lot of great advices given by people here, by your family, and by your friends. You just get stuck on your own thoughts instead of just simplify the situation, and accept that it's over for whatever reasons. BY DOING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOURSELF UP UNTIL NOW, YOU WILL CONTINUE SUFFERING AND BE IN THIS MADNESS (The latest drama between you and her clearly proved that point). What she said, what she thinks, what her problems, are hers, not you, just don't care!

How can you even successfully implement NC effectively while you still keep obsession on her? You spend time for months analyse your and her behaviors and how bad those bahaviors affect negatively on both of you, then why can't you just leave, work on your own issues, and be a better person? She will never be what you want her to be as it's who she is. It's not our business to fix anyone. Are you going to stand up for yourself now and make a decision yet?

I don't think you can ever do NC effectively until you accept some simple facts here and make a decision to live your life without anything to do with her anymore. I'm NC for almost 6 months now and the only purpose I do NC is because I want that person totally out of my life. I simply blocked all channels that my ex can contact me and change all my numbers, so I don't even have to bother delete any emails or any miss calls from him. NC is not a temptation to resist nor a tool to get back to your ex.

Only when you make a decision to really end up with her and stick to it, no need trying to do NC as you will fail (again). Your heart and your mind now seems still enjoying the dramas and get stuck by repetitive over thinking that leads you nowhere.

I have to agree with Lifeistough here, you have lot of works to do with yourself.

Dude, just go NC now & stick with therapy.

Get off your butt. Iron out your issues & forget about her. Its beyond time. Stop wasting it. Life is short.

NC rocks. Whenever I think of my ex now, the only thing that gets hard is my middle finger.

She always plays the victim

Pot... Kettle... Black..