Hello Everyone,

I am quite new to this site, and had some questions for you if you don't mind answering... My girlfriend typically has a black out when she drinks. She mainly drinks on the weekend. We have been together for 6.5 years.

A few months ago during one of her drinking episodes, I had gone to bed. I woke up around 2am and found her nude touching herself holding her cell phone talking to someone. When I saw this, I yelled "what r u doing"?? She had no clue what was going on. I grabbed the phone and found that she had been talking to this person for 30 minutes. She stated the next morning she didn't know she did that, and must've called the dating hot-line from a commercial she saw on TV, in which they do show those a lot in my area. I forgave this incident because she had been drinking heavily that night.

This past Saturday night, the same thing happened. Only this time, she wasn't talking to anyone. She had passed out from drinking. I had been woken up out of my sleep by my cousin who is a girl, stating that my girlfriend just stripped down in front of her kissing on her and what not. I took my girlfriend in the bedroom and made her go to sleep. During this time, I was awaken to text messages going off all night. She had been texting someone throughout the entire time she had been drinking that night. I checked her phone and a text stated "I want to be inside of you". This person's name she had saved in her phone. Apparently they had been texting back and forth all night when she was drinking.

The next morning, my cousin told my girlfriend the things she did the night before and my girlfriend could not remember it. My cousin then told her, "if that's the case, then STOP the excessive drinking to the point where you are that drunk"..

My girlfriend wanted to know why her phone was off. I told her it was because her alarm kept going off waking me up. She then went through her phone and asked if I had been looking through her phone the previous night. I said no, because I didn't know how to bring up this incident or what to say.. I am the type that does not like Conflict, and also I do not want to lose her if she becomes defensive and crazy if I ask her about those text messages. The person she texted does not live in our state, and it was someone I asked her about in 2007 that she got defensive about and got her own cell phone, as the other cell phone was in my name. More than likely she will say she doesn't remember this drinking episode either. She does not feel that she has a drinking problem


My questions to you is

a). How should I go about this situation?

b). What does it mean to lose your identity in a relationship? I've searched this online, and am unable to find it. I am the type that if I lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.


Any help would be greatly appreciated

First of all,address your problem with alcohol-your own,as only your GF can do anything about hers , and it seems she has a serious problem and is,in my opinion,in denial.

Check out your local AA and local support groups.

As for your relationship,it sounds as if there's no real communication,do you ever have proper talks,as in mature,adult coversations about your issues?

First of all,address your problem with alcohol-your own,as only your GF can do anything about hers , and it seems she has a serious problem and is,in my opinion,in denial.

Check out your local AA and local support groups.

As for your relationship,it sounds as if there's no real communication,do you ever have proper talks,as in mature,adult coversations about your issues?

I rarely drink alcohol. I don't have an alcohol problem. I never said I did in the post.


I also don't understand what the communication has to do with those 2 incidents I mentioned

a)If it's normal to you that your girl has sex through the phone
Fine! She's doing this next to you when you sleep . Fine!
Then everything is cool! You have a healthy relationship(ha ha ha)
b)This is what I call losing yourself: just what you're doing!
This girl does this all the time and you accept this because you don't want to lose her so you lose yourself.
Alcohol doesn't justify this! Never!
I drink a lot sometimes and when I was with my ex I never did this when I came back home I just went to sleep and was happy to be with my man never call others(no energie left to do this!)
This girl is obviously playing you!
Leave her!

She does not feel that she has a drinking problem
She does have a drinking problem, so do you, and its only a symptom of a greater problem you both face.
My questions to you is

a). how should I go about this situation?
Get Help through Alcoholics Anonymous,and Alanon, and maybe a qualified counselor to get to the root cause of your real problem. But first you both have to want to have help, as if your unwilling to get what you need, you won't do anything about it.
b). what does it mean to lose your identity in a relationship? I've searched this online, and am unable to find it. I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.
While this may be very true, your real problem is you have lost perspective, and are making some unhealthy choices that make your problems bigger, not smaller.

Fear of losing your partner is at the roots of your inability to do the right things that help you both. Your lack of wanting to deal with conflict also plays a big part in you taking a stand, not just for yourself, but the ones you love, and others around you.

Look at it this way, its not about losing your identity, its about you being afraid to act. Deal with the fear by acknowledging there is a problem, make a plan to deal with it, and be ready, and willing to act

In this way maybe you can find your courage, and get out of your comfort zone, and do what it takes to solve this issue, as the consequences of inaction is, you and your woman, will lose in the end anyway.

You should be more afraid of where inactions lead you, than being afraid to take action.

If she won't go for help, or is unwilling to admit her problem, forget her, you go get help for yourself. You can hardly be of help to her without getting the help and SUPPORT you need to be healthy.

Thank you mistyjane and talaniman for your input. I really appreciate it and it made me think logically. I am going to ask her tonight about those text messages, because she was talking on the phone last night when I came home to this same person, and this time she wasn't drunk. But I think that same person had lost someone in death yesterday

I rarely drink alcohol. I don't have an alcohol problem. I never said I did in the post.

Beg to differ,

I am the type that if I lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.

Its not how much you drink, it never is, it's the why that makes you different from others, and when it's a problem ( excessively ) in your life. I would say using alcohol to numb your panic, or avoid your issues qualifies as a problem.

I also don't understand what the communication has to do with those 2 incidents I mentioned
If you had honestly communicated that you don't like what she is doing, and would NOT allow it, she would either have to change or leave.

That you have not communicated your honest feelings, you clearly are condoning her actions. How old are you both any way?

I am 30, she is 28. It is too late to confront her about this incident, because I should've been honest and stated that I did look through her phone, because it was late in the AM in those texts would not stop coming in when she was passed out. That's how I saw it

You are totally wrong about it being to late to put ALL the cards on the table, and get answers. One way, or the other. That's the only way you get to the root of your problem, you have to do some honest digging based on the facts.

If it happened, it's a fact.

You are totally wrong about it being to late to put ALL the cards on the table, and get answers. One way, or the other. Thats the only way you get to the root of your problem, you have to do some honest digging based on the facts.

If it happened, its a fact.

Thank you Talaniman I will do that tonight. She's been having an attitude all day for no reason, and this started last night. I think it may have something to do with this person, because he is coming to town this week. She thinks that I will argue or get an attitude back with her to give her a reason to "walk out" temporarily, but I'm not going to stoop to that. She will not get an attitude out of me.

If I woke up and my girlfriend was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE you later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, I bet she wears a strap on

if I woke up and my gf was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE ya later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, i bet she wears a strap on

I'm starting to get the picture. It sounds very true what u stated. The only reason I forgave her for that episode was because alcohol was involved and she didn't remember it, but I do see your point...

Thank you to all that responded, I just ended the relationship. She just sent me a text stating she wanted to be alone tonight, I know they guy is coming into town tonight, and I ended it.

She never brought up the text messages, so I did, and it ended in arguing and name-calling. Its over... thanks guys for your input

Good job, you don't need her. Do you guys live together?

good job, you dont need her. Do you guys live together?

No, but I usually spend the night every night

Well that's good though, make things easier! Just remember how she treated you, and what kind of woman she is like, and she will be easy to get over. You will be so much better off without her and moving on, you have noooo idea

well thats good though, make things easier! Just remember how she treated you, and what kind of woman she is like, and she will be easy to get over. You will be so much better off without her and moving on, you have noooo idea


I was thinking the same thing. Thanks Dynocompe!

Is hard not wondering what she is doing especially when you know what's going on, but I'm hangin in there FULL FORCE

Yeah after 6.5 years, doesn't seems like this is the first incident you enabled.

"One of her drinking episodes" Blackouts. That means excess.

I was with a woman like this before. Nows the time for some ultimatums.

Either she (and you both) get help. Or you are gone. Period.

Sometimes things can't be fixed,and if you feel you made the right choice,I suggest you start moving on by going no contact.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship page with lots of advice on how to handle a breakup?

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Sometimes things can't be fixed,and if you feel you made the right choice,I suggest you start moving on by going no contact.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship page with lots of advice on how to handle a breakup?

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I know I have made the right choice... when I asked her about it, she got defensive and lied about the texts... I saw them with my own eyes... she won't admit responsibility... I don't trust her, she doesn't trust me... its over... trust is the building block of any relationship...

Yes I've read the stickies

Good one. Yes.

She's got major problems. You must be exhausted by now.

Cut her out of your life. Save yourself.

Its going to be a road, but go total NC. No question. She will plead to you later for sure. Just ignore it.

But the reality is that she doesn't give a rats a$$ about you. Only what gets her off.

She's bad news.

if I woke up and my gf was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE ya later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, i bet she wears a strap on

Ye, I agree. How would SHE feel if you did this TO HER? No way would she allow it! (I'm guessing). She needs help with her alcohol problem (not from you though!. Professionally! You can't change her!)

You really need to get help with your abandonment issues too, I do know how you feel. It is awful to feel this way! But by not taking control of your own issues, you are setting yourself up for being used and abused by other people. And allowing it. You are not being helpful to yourself by being a doormat because you are scared of being alone. I know this from experience and am still struggling with it! I know its so much easier said than done!

Also, the longer you leave it the harder it gets! You start thinking 'OMG, I am now XX years old! How can I be alone NOW! I will never meet anyone NOW!' Quit while you're only 30. Work on your issues and you will find someone much more worthy of you! Also, get help with the drinking side of things when you are alone... it will only make things worse and in my experience made me act regretably (sp?) and make things even worse.

Yeah no more tiddling.

Run.

And yes, understand what YOUR deal is. Start looking inside. Mistakes & why. Who are you?

If you don't like conflict... you are with the wrong girl.

[QUOTE=.. I am the type that does not like Conflict


IIf you don't like conflict you are with the wrong girl.

Thank you all... I use to go by astrology saying I'm a Libra, she's an Aquarius... and we would be compatible... yeah that was 6.5 years ago I thought this... you all just dot know how much I appreciated ALL your input... it helps tremendously

Glad to hear.

Now focus on reality. Get happy.

She has not contacted me tonight, yet I figure its because she's with this person... I have no doubt in my mind she will try to contact me tomorrow or maybe much later and realize she can't get through... thanks to my cell phone carrier, I have set it up through phone settings, where any number that is not in your contact list will not be able to get through to you. They will Directly to voicemail... also text messages not from your contact list are blocked... yayyyyyyy

You're doing the right thing. Congrats

Any contact with her from now on is unproductive for you.

Stay on it. Be strong & post here whenever.

We all want you you to move away from this & get better.

Well done! That is a great step! You should be proud of yourself! REALLY proud that you had the strength to pull yourself out of that situation. So what id she is with that person! POOR THEM! Ha ha! I used to do the same thing as you and worry about it... just realise they are not changing their ways and therefore will be in the same position as some other poor willing soul

Don't get pulled back into that mess.
If you do she'll drag you right into the gutter where she will be soon. That might be a harsh statement but it's true.

You cannot "fix her". She'll have to do that herself. Good luck.

Youre doing the right thing. Congrats

Any contact with her from now on is unproductive for you.

Stay on it. Be strong & post here whenever.

We all want you you to move away from this & get better.

Thank you Vanheart and Kitkat22, I will keep you posted. I will keep ALL of you posted that have taken the TIME to not only read my post, but also REply... thank you all, and I will keep you informed!

Goood to hear that she can't even get ahold of u! As soon as this guy leaves town she is going to try and contact you! This is so great! Don't even think about her, this girl puts the L is lame-O and Loser!

Good move re your cell!
Stay strong and keep busy.

Thank you Vanheart and Kitkat22, I will keep you posted. I will keep ALL of you posted that have taken the TIME to not only read my post, but also REply....thank you all, and I will keep you informed!

Be Strong! Blessings

Good move re your cell!
Stay strong and keep busy.

Keeping busy does not always work, but it does for a while. I have a daily regimen to keep busy though

Be Strong! Blessings


Thank you

thank you


Each day you will find it gets better. One day you'll wake up and the pain will be gone and there will be someone wonderful in your life and that is worth waiting for!

U should get started with another girl. If you don't your mind will keep wandering about your old past. Like people say, if the new don't come how can the old goes away. Get a new girl, bad or good, just get one to forget the past one.

Communication only gives bad advice check his other posts

U should get started with another girl. if u dont your mind will keep wandering about ur old past. Like ppl say, if the new dont come how can the old goes away. Get a new girl, bad or good, just get one to forget the past one.

I'm not going to say you shouldn't start dating, but wait awhile. You will again but be cautious. Sometimes when you get out of one relationship and jump right back in another, someone ends up getting hurt. Take a female friend out to dinner, maybe a movie. Just don't jump from the frying pan into the fire..

Her number is blocked my my phone, but I still get voicemails. She left 8 voicemails in like 2 minutes, saying repeatedly "I need my key back, I need my key back...I can come and get it or you can bring it to me"

I forgot to give her the key back yesterday to her apartment. I didn't call her back, I just sent a simple text stating that I would drop it off to my cousin in law that is a mutual friend that lives halfway. I don't want to see her, so hopefully when I drop this key off this evening, that will be the LAST of it! No more texts and No more bugging me

Hopefully so.
Keep up the NC.

She wants to be "alone", so she kicks you out for the night, so she can have another guy over? Good riddance! Let this new guy deal with her alcoholism, her "time traveling", and cheating.

Write down all of her bad habits, and all of the things that you have had to overlook these past years. Keep that list handy whenever you have feelings of loss so you can get back on track of getting on with your life.

Life is too short to put up with people like her.

her number is blocked my my phone, but i still get voicemails. she left 8 voicemails in like 2 mins, saying repeatedly "I need my key back, I need my key back...I can come and get it or you can bring it to me"

I forgot to give her the key back yesterday to her apartment. I didnt call her back, I just sent a simple text stating that I would drop it off to my cousin in law that is a mutual friend that lives halfway. I dont want to see her, so hopefully when I drop this key off this evening, that will be the LAST of it! No more texts and No more bugging me


If you have caller ID don't answer. PLEASE don't let her reel you back in.
Strength and Confidence in yourself needs to be your first priority!

I believe she's the type who dosen't want you but she wants you there only when she thinks you're pulling away. Break the strings.;);)

If you have caller ID don't answer. PLEASE don't let her reel you back in.
Strength and Confidence in yourself needs to be your first priority!

I beleive she's the type who dosen't want you but she wants you there only when she thinks you're pulling away. Break the strings.;);)

Yeah believe me I am... I dropped off the key to my cousin in law(her best friend) . My cousin in law didn't even know I was coming over to drop off the key... My ex girlfriend said she knew about, but she was shocked when I came to the door... she didn't even know we broke up and that it was odd because usually they tell each other everything...

Anyhow, I sent a FINAL and yes folks this is FINAL text saying :

"It is not my intention to paint a bad picture of you....I am disappointed tho, and that is why I've chosen to part ways....The key is over susan's house"

I was not expecting a reply as all her incoming messages are blocked... hopefully this is done for good... my cousin-in-law was a just concerned and was hoping to would not be a big mess this summer because my ex girlfriend is really cool with my family, and they invite her to cook outs as well... They figure just because we didn't get along, does not mean it is wrong to invite her... But I know her too well to know she won't go anyway...

Anywhoo was just giving you guys an update, and please don't scream down my throat about that final text I sent lol

Quote by confused580;
Yeah believe me I am... I dropped off the key to my cousin in law(her best friend) . My cousin in law didn't even know I was coming over to drop off the key... My ex girlfriend said she knew about, but she was shocked when I came to the door... she didn't even know we broke up and that it was odd because usually they tell each other everything...

Anyhow, I sent a FINAL and yes folks this is FINAL text saying :

"It is not my intention to paint a bad picture of you....I am disappointed tho, and that is why I've chosen to part ways....The key is over susan's house"

I was not expecting a reply as all her incoming messages are blocked... hopefully this is done for good... my cousin-in-law was a just concerned and was hoping to would not be a big mess this summer because my ex girlfriend is really cool with my family, and they invite her to cook outs as well... They figure just because we didn't get along, does not mean it is wrong to invite her... But I know her too well to know she won't go anyway...

Anywhoo was just giving you guys an update, and please don't scream down my throat about that final text I sent lol

You are finally taking the right steps and I hope your family realizes how hard this has been for you and start easing her out of family gatherings. You don't need that! I am so proud of you! Stick to it!
And it would be better not to invite her to family gatheringsTell your family she is no longer in your life .

Good for you, man! That had to be hard.

Tell your family that they need to be on board with this. Its about you.
No Contact now from everyone, even when she tries. Seriously.

She has already gone away, now you & everyone is need to follow suit.

Good for you, man!! That had to be hard.

Tell your family that they need to be on board with this. Its about you.
No Contact now from everyone, even when she tries. Seriously.

She has alre!ady gone away, now you & everyone is need to follow suit.

Support of the family is very important!

Wow, this may sound weird. I feel bad that I dumped her... what if she Really just wanted to be by herself that night just because of all the drama that happened this weekend from her birthday... what if I was wrong? Or is this just normal to wonder

Its very normal, trust me!

Its very normal, trust me!



Yes it is!

Don't falter now. Nows the time for strength.

Use your gut here. That's what we get confused about.

Letting others manipulate our feelings for wrong reasons.

You know already the right thing to do. You just have to let yourself know.

Remember him?

Dont falter now. Nows the time for strength.

Use your gut here. Thats what we get confused about.

Letting others manipulate our feelings for wrong reasons.

You know already the right thing to do. You just have to let yourself know.

Remember him?


Don't start second guessing your decisions.

If you do you will be right back at square one.

It is typical to have these feelings, but STOP. That's why I suggested the "list".

She wants to have you and date around at the same time. Which is considered cheating by most people.

Find a girl who doesn't make you come on sites like this one to find sanity.

The world is full of girls who have mutual respect for the people they date. Go find one of THOSE girls.

I wish you luck.

It is typical to have these feelings, but STOP. That's why I suggested the "list".

She wants to have you and date around at the same time. Which is considered cheating by most people.

Find a girl who doesn't make you come on sites like this one to find sanity.

The world is full of girls who have mutual respect for the people they date. Go find one of THOSE girls.

I wish you luck.


You are spending way too much time and energy dwelling on someone who isn't"t going to change and you cannot change her. Life is too short to spend your time waiting for her to fulfill you. She isn't going to do that. As i have said so many times to other people, "you cannot fix anyone. They have to do that themselves". Good Luck!

Thank you all. It feels weird, its been 5 days since we last spoke, which was the break up and I feel Im already over it. Is that denial... Its odd. I don't wonder about what she is doing. Maybe its too soon to say I'm over it who knows.
She should be as well, although that''s not my concern. I know she works everyday from 7am-5, then 6-10:30pm she has class, so she really has no time to think about or miss this relationship, in which that Im glad

I don't know if its because I slept with someone on Saturday. I know it was the wrong thing to do this soon, it just happened

We'll see how Day 6, 7, etc go. A lot of people say even I bad relationships, it can take a person a long time to get over it. It odd that I feel over it now Way too soon

Yeah still feel over it this soon. Is that normal?

Don't feel guilty. Just get over it the right way.

By stop being confused. Get with who you are. It's the best thing for you to move on & experience other things.

Hey, 5 days & I'm over it. Then how long does it really take?

What's the question?

That's up to you man.

Hooking up & having fun is one thing, relationships are another.

Whattya want?

dont feel guilty. just get over it the right way.

by stop being confused. get with who you are. its the best thing for you to move on & experience other things.

hey, 5 days & im over it. then how long does it really take?

whats the question?

thats up to you man.

hooking up & having fun is one thing, relationships are another.

whattya want?



A few people that I explained my situation to stated that sending erotic text messages like that is just flirting, and there's nothing wrong with it. Do you all agree?

Who are you sending them to?

Your ex or the girl you slept with? Your friends are wrong.

Regardless, you need to get straight. What is it exactly are you doing?

Forget about this girl & be single. Sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship beyond this one yet. Maybe you both were (are) drinking too much.

Don't repeat the same thing, spend another 6.5 years.

who are you sending them to?

your ex or the girl you slept with? your friends are wrong.

regardless, you need to get straight. what is it exactly are you doing?

forget about this girl & be single. sounds like you arent ready for a relationship beyond this one yet. maybe you both were (are) drinking too much.

dont repeat the same thing, spend another 6.5 years.


What in the world is wrong with this guy! Where's the tylenol? I'm not talking about you Vanheart. You have given this guy great advice!

One giant hangover.

Why did you stay with her for 6 years is the question.

Im starting to know she isn't they only culprit here. From your actions.

Start getting your act together, seek some therapy.

This girl isn't good for you and vis-versa.

Get to the point where you don't need to question your own actions.

who are you sending them to?

your ex or the girl you slept with? your friends are wrong.

regardless, you need to get straight. what is it exactly are you doing?

forget about this girl & be single. sounds like you arent ready for a relationship beyond this one yet. maybe you both were (are) drinking too much.

dont repeat the same thing, spend another 6.5 years.




No, No, No... Im not talking about the girl I slept with this weekend..
Im talking about the guy my ex was receiving messages and sending messages to,which is the reason I broke up with her... Quite a few people say that's nothing but flirting and that its nothing wrong with that. I'm just getting your input...

A few people that I explained my situation to stated that sending erotic text messages like that is just flirting, and there's nothing wrong with it. Do you all agree?


You sound like someone who has a one track mind. Sex with anyone who is willing and erotic phone messages. Gosh no wonder you don't have a real relationship. Have you even thought about STDs? I doubt it. I think you are self-absorbed and you want what you want, no matter what. Do you also get off on porn?

You sound like someone who has a one track mind. Sex with anyone who is willing and erotic phone messages. Gosh no wonder you don't have a real relationship. Have you even thought about STDs? I doubt it. I think you are self-absorbed and you want what you want, no matter what. Do you also get off on porn?



You are NOT understanding what I'm asking... I broke up with my EX because she was receiving and sending erotic messages on her cell phone and I went through the phone while she was sleep and found them... People are saying that was just flirting what SHE did


What I did this weekend was slept with this girl(that I've known for a long time), because I KNEW that I was NOT going to go BACK to my EX after what I found in her phone... THATS WHAT I was saying

Where are you getting this std stuff from, and me being self absorbed?? I WAS THE one was WRONGED!

Yeah,

Why are you even letting those things enter your mind.
Stop hanging on to this. If you really want to be a man, then realize this is over and start taking some steps.

It sounds like you haven't done jack.

You haven't answered any of our questions like why did you stick with this girl?

May shed some light on why you are still hanging on. More so about what kind of person you are & the people you attract & get with.

That's the key. Do some digging on that if you have the will to.

Haven't seen much will yet.

In basic terms, people are saying that I should NOT have left my girlfriend, because what she did was only text message those erotic things, and that some people flirt like that and its harmless ,especially if they don't get enough attention from you...


THAT WAS my question! I was ASKING your input

Yeah,

Why are you even letting those things enter your mind.
Stop hanging on to this. If you really wanna be a man, then realize this is over and start taking some steps.

It sounds like you havent done jack.

You havent answered any of our questions like why did you stick with this girl?

May shed some light on why you are still hanging on. More so about what kinda person you are & the people you attract & get with.

Thats the key. Do some digging on that if you have the will to.

Havent seen much will yet.

Because family members of mine are saying that was just flirting that she did

Dude, cmon.

Doesn't sound like you are telling your friends, or us the whole story. This didn't just happen, its been going on.

She did this naughty texting twice (that we know of), then stripped & started sucking on your cousin's face?

Sounds like one of many episodes that will only continue.

This isn't harmless? Is it causing you harm? You're posting here, right?

You did the right thing by breaking up, now move on.

Let you both get it together. Go NC.

BTW, why did you stick with this girl?

Dude, cmon.

Doesnt sound like you are telling your friends, or us the whole story. This didnt just happen, its been going on.

She did this naughty texting twice (that we know of), then stripped & started sucking on your cousin's face?

Sounds like one of many episodes that will only continue.

This isnt harmless? Is it causing you harm? Youre posting here, right?

You did the right thing by breaking up, now move on.

Let you both get it together. Go NC.

Lol year you are right... My cousin is a girl as well, so that stripping part didn't bother me... but yeah the first time, she was touching herself while talking on the phone with some guy while drunk, and the second time was the text message with some other guy..


Ok thanks for the advice, I already knew it. You know I'm at the phase when you start second guessing things... The "what if this", or "what if that"... I guess that's part of a normal break-up. Go easy on me Lol. The guilt of the dumper who thinks maybe it was them... That comes from using your heart, and not your HEAD!

I haven't been in contact since the dumping last Wednesday, and so yes I am continuing NC.

BTW, why did you stick with this girl?


After the first time she did this with someone on the phone, she was crying hysterically the next day when I told her what she did. She had a black out while drinking and did not remember. Alcoholics do go through that so I could understand that part

Why did I stick with her? Everyone makes mistakes... I forgave the first time... Alcoholism is a sickness, and I understood that she more than likely didn't know she did that, because she got that persons number off one of those classified ads while she was drunk

So basically I forgave her the first time. I'm only human... The second time is when it was "stirke, you're out!"

So, why did you stay for 6.5 years?

So, why did you stay for 6.5 years?


Because the first incident was back in October 2009, this last incident happened last Saturday. Before the first incident, everything was fine

You are NOT understanding what im asking......I broke up with my EX because she was receiving and sending erotic messages on her cell phone and i went thru the phone while she was sleep and found them....People are saying that was just flirting what SHE did


What I did this weekend was slept with this girl(that ive known for a long time), because I KNEW that i was NOT going to go BACK to my EX after what I found in her phone...THATS WHAT i was saying

where r u getting this std stuff from, and me being self absorbed?!?! I WAS THE one was WRONGED!

Stop sleeping around! Get your head straight ! If you are doing it to get back at her then it's not working. You got to let her go, completely!

If everything was fine, then this wouldn't happen.

Stay NC. Let her figure things out, especially if she doesn't want to talk about why.

During that do a bit of work on yourself & why you let this happen & why you let family members say what she did was OK.

If you do that, then maybe you won't allow this to happen ever again.

If everything was fine, then this wouldnt happen.

Stay NC. Let her figure things out, especially if she doesnt want to talk about why.

During that do a bit of work on yourself & why you let this happen & why you let family members say what she did was ok.

If you do that, then maybe you wont allow this to happen ever again.


Why I let this happen? You cannot control what another person does. That's like saying, if someone cheats on u, why did you let it happen... You can't control.. People cheat for all kind of reasons, and mostly they are selfish reasons. How was I suppose to know it would get to this. So what do you mean why did I let this happen.. Maybe I'm not understanding you, if that is what you meant by that statement...

U say if everything was fine this wouldn't happen? Do u mean the first incident that I forgave her for?. Do u know there are A LOT of folks that cheat out the blue, when Everything is going fine previously with their current partner... Not all cheaters have an excuse. Maybe some were abused as kids, who knows... Not everyone has a motive or reason to cheat


Yes I am still NC, and will REMAIN that way... Maybe I didn't give her enough attention... OH WELL... its over and done with. I will let you know in a month my progress...

What I will say to you is for the last 6.5 years, we've had that make-up break-up type of relationship where we've never been broken up for more than 2 or 3 weeks and yes I know that is TOXIC, which is WHY I'm standing my ground. She has no way to get in contact with my due to phone blocking... facebook was blocked decades ago, even when we were together

Stop sleeping around! Get your head straight ! If you are doing it to get back at her then it's not working. You gotta let her go, completely!


I didn't do it to get back at my g/f... I was just in the mood and it happened... I don't feel regret over that

Ahhh.

Thanks, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Make-up, break-up, toxic. 6.5 years. Way before this incident last year.

Glad you finally know that.

What I meant was being aware, communicating and taking responsibility.

What was the question again? About her text flirting?

Ahhh.

Thanks, thats exactly what I was looking for.
Make-up, break-up, toxic. 6.5 years. way before this incident last year.

Glad you finally know that.

What i meant was being aware, communicating and taking responsibility.

What was the question again? About her text flirting?

I shouldve left a while ago... the text flirting is what did it in

I hope that you weren't implying that she was texting like that, because I wasn't communicating with her or taking responsibility... Im hoping you meant, I shouldve have ended this a while ago

Yup,

That's what Im getting at. YOU, YOU and YOU.

Not her.

Listen man. I not trying to egg you, or bust your nuts, just help you.

If we truly understand and love ourselves, be aware. We can rule as individuals. That may mean doing some uncomfortable digging about yourself. It seems that its time. Do it now before you waste any more time.

This is your life after all. Don't you want it to be cool?

You can lay back & just let things unfold. You are the one in control of your existence.

I didnt do it to get back at my g/f....I was just in the mood and it happened.....I dont feel regret over that


Well try to stay out of the "MOOD" until you get over this girlfriend. Sleeping around isn't the answer. How could you sleep with someone you don't love? That is not the answer. I'm being honest with my answers. Either find something to take your mind off her (NOT SEX WITH A PERSON YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR) or spend the rest of your life counting the days since you last saw her or texted her or how many hours and minutes it's been since your breakup.

Yup,

Thats what Im getting at. YOU, YOU and YOU.

Not her.

Listen man. I not trying to egg you, or bust your nuts, just help you.

If we truly understand and love ourselves, be aware. We can rule as individuals. That may mean doing some uncomfortable digging about yourself. It seems that its time. Do it now before you waste any more time.

This is your life afterall. Dont you want it to be cool?

You can lay back & just let things unfold. You are the one in control of your existence.



My bad, I thought you were saying she was doing these things like texting, as if it were MY fault for her texting... thats what I was about to be angry at. But as you stated, that's not what you meant

Yup,

Thats what Im getting at. YOU, YOU and YOU.

Not her.

Listen man. I not trying to egg you, or bust your nuts, just help you.

If we truly understand and love ourselves, be aware. We can rule as individuals. That may mean doing some uncomfortable digging about yourself. It seems that its time. Do it now before you waste any more time.

This is your life afterall. Dont you want it to be cool?

You can lay back & just let things unfold. You are the one in control of your existence.

Wish I hadn't quit smoking.

Wish I hadn't quit smoking.



Im just saying Kitkat, I thought he was implying that her actions were a result of something I did wrong. That's what I thought he was getting at

What?

Are you tripping? You don't listen. You got it right the first time.

Jeeez Louise.

What?

Are you tripping? You dont listen. You got it right the first time.

Jeeez Louise.

No, I DO listen, I'm tripping? Are you really blaming her text messaging incident on me?? Are u saying its because I did HER Bad?! Is that what you meant by you, you, you?

I was simply telling kitkat that I was mad at first, because I THOUGHT you were SAYing that her crazy act with those messages, was all because of me!

That's like your g/f cheating on you, and I tell you, its all your fault... thats how I took it... I was telling Kitkat, that is how I took it, but you cleared it up and said that is NOT what you were saying... these posts must be lagged

Im just saying Kitkat, I thought he was implying that her actions were a result of something I did wrong. Thats what I thought he was getting at


I didn't see anything confusing in Vans post. Since you brought it up, are you blameless in this relationship? I think booze has been a huge factor in your relationship and I mean for both of you.

You can not sit up here and tell me that she did these things because it was my fault... Im not saying I was blameless, but I would NEVER say to you if your boyfriend cheated on you, it was YOUR FAULT... I mean c'mon now. Like I said earlier, people do things like that because they WANT to...

There does not have to be ANY MOTIVE, or something LACKING for them to want to do that. You cannot CONTROL someone from something like that.

So please stop acting as if I am the blame for her sending those erotic texts

You are absolutely right.

You can only control yourself and your decisions.

What's your next step?

You are absolutely right.

You can only control yourself and your decisions.

Whats your next step?


To continue NC. I am moving on with my life... I just don't think its appropriate for you to say, it was my fault as if I was the REASON she did what she did. As if I didn't talk to her enough, etc

to continue NC. I am moving on with my life....I just dont think its appropriate for you to say, it was my fault as if I was the REASON she did what she did. As if i didnt talk to her enough, etc

I don't think anyone asked that question except me. I'm not speaking of the text messages. What I am asking is this. In all the time you were together you never cheated or lied or maybe had a few too many and maybe copped an attitude with her?

I don't think anyone asked that question except me. I'm not speaking of the text messages. What I am asking is this. in all the time you were together you never cheated or lied or maybe had a few too many and maybe copped an attitude with her?

Lied yes, cheated no

I never said that.

Just am gathering that you don't really want to take any responsibility, then or now.

There's no blame here on you or her.

Maybe you should look at why you getting your feathers in a ruffle.

While you are on NC. Start studying yourself.

lied yes, cheated no


What did you lie about and be honest.

I never said that.

Just am gathering that you dont really want to take any responsibility, then or now.

Theres no blame here on you or her.

Maybe you should look at why you getting your feathers in a ruffle.

While you are on NC. Start studying yourself.



Im just aggitated. I know it takes two hands to clap, and I'm not saying I don't responsibility. I ended it because of the Texts, because I didn't trust that. Without trust, there is no relationship

Just small things, like if I said I was on my way over and I was 2o minutes away, I would say like 5 minutes away

Im out guys, later...

Kitkat, why are you getting into that?

I never said that.

Just am gathering that you dont really want to take any responsibility, then or now.

Theres no blame here on you or her.

Maybe you should look at why you getting your feathers in a ruffle.

While you are on NC. Start studying yourself.


Good post Vanheart. I'm going to get some cigerettes. Goodnight!

Kitkatt, are you saying I lied about something else?? I just told you

Kitkatt, r u saying i lied about something else?!?! I just told you



I don't know you so I don't know if you have lied or not! What I do know is a thirty year old man should know when to move on! You say you are, but in a few of your post you have mentioned how many hours and days it's been since you last saw her and you keep bringing up the trashy texts. You didn't answer my question about how much the alcohol affected your relationship. I asked have you ever gotten drunk and became verbally or physically abusive. You didn't answer. Look I'm not being a smart alec but there are always two side to every story.

I don't know you so I don't know if you have lied or not! What I do know is a thirty year old man should know when to move on! You say you are, but in a few of your post you have mentioned how many hours and days it's been since you last saw her and you keep bringing up the trashy texts. You didn't answer my question about how much the alcohol affected your relationship. I asked have you ever gotten drunk and became verbally or physically abusive. You didn't answer. Look I'm not being a smart alec but there are always two side to every story.



Yeah I agree, yes alcohol was a MAJOR factor, I slowed down quite a bit, she didn't, and it was like now that I slowed down, I looked at things from a different angle. Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking. We would always get into heated arguments when drinking We both are to blame for that. Im not saying that I am blameless. I just know that this situation regarding texting, I'm blameless. But this relationship should have been left a long time ago. Hindsight 20/20. I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatibility

Yeah I agree, yes alcohol was a MAJOR factor, I slowed down quite a bit, she didn't, and it was like now that I slowed down, i looked at things from a different angle. Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking. We would always get into heated arguments when drinking We both are to blame for that. Im not saying that I am blameless. I just know that this situation regarding texting, im blameless. But this relationship should have been left a long time ago. Hindsight 20/20. I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatability

Good! Now that you admit you were part of the problem at least you are being truthful you are admitting there were problems long before the texts. I think you still have deep feelings for this woman. After the years you two have been together that's normal..

Now be thankful there were no children from your union with her. Children suffer the most when parents drink and fight.
If you still have a problem with alcohol, please get help. I think you are very brave for seeking help. You will meet a nice woman someday and when you do you don't want to go into a good relaintionship with ugly
Baggage from another. Blessings:):)

Good! Now that you admit you were part of the problem at least you are being truthful you are admitting there were problems long before the texts. I think you still have deep feelings for this woman. After the years you two have been together that's normal..

Now be thankful there were no children from your union with her. Children suffer the most when parents drink and fight.
If you still have a problem with alcohol, please get help. I think you are very brave for seeking help. You will meet a nice woman someday and when you do you don't want to go into a good relaintionship with ugly
baggage from another. Blessings:):)


Thank you that advice really helps :)

Thank you that advice really helps :)


I hope I helped you. I can be very blunt at times but I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. But as the old saying goes, "Plain words are easily understood". Good luck confused.

Just make sure, that you understand what clarity & responsibility is about.

Both physically and emotionally.

Don't just write this lesson off.

Hope you are not confused anymore.

Stick to it!

Just make sure, that you understand what clarity & responsibility is about.

Both physically and emotionally.

Dont just write this lesson off.

Hope you are not confused anymore.



Vanheart, can you give some examples of what you mean by clarity and responsibility both physically and emotionally, just so I don't take baggage with me to the next

Never mind, I just got that meaning/understanding

Alcohol and anything else that affects our ability to ration. That's the physical thing. We already know that was an issue. Physical clarity. Cloudiness.

But those things are fueled by underlying issues. Emotional clarity. (Why)
Basically who am I. What else do I need to consider? History, family, friends, past relationships, basically everything up until you are reading this.

Some research about Confused180...

That's the responsibility part.

Hope that answered your question.

Thank you for all your input, I really take it to heart and am going to incorporate it.

I feels odd, the first 7 days I was completely over it, was no contact etc, and didn't care.

Now I'm on day 14 and instead of it getting easier, I find myself getting the urge to contact her... although I'm not. It's odd because for the first 10 days, the urge did not exist at ALL! I thought this urge usually happens during the first week or so, not this many days into it.

Any advice or past experiences?

Those urges are different for everyone.
Just stay on track. The busier you keep yourself, the easier it is.

The reality for most of us is there is/was no reason to.

You will be glad later that you didn't.
It may prove some inner strength that you didn't know you had.
Strength you can use later.

Take the advice of the people on this forum. It will get better.

Keep a journal.

I wrote lots of notes to myself during my breakup.

About her, about myself. Did some serious digging & soul searching.

I looked at it as a creative project to heal.

Helped immensely.

Don't listen to the songs that remind you of her..

Don't go to places where you might run into her

Don't ask mutual friends about her

Don't get drunk and call her

Start working out or running

Don't drive by her place at anytime

The shock is wearing off, and reality is setting in. Old habits die hard.

Leave it to Tal to cut right through.
Love rehab.

I hope you listen to the advice.

Tal always gives great advice and so do you Vanheart.

Life is one hell of a teacher, and takes no prisoners. Thanks for the kind words!

Yup. Heavy. Man. Hehehe.

Can the teacher mark you present, or should they mark you absent?

Tal, you are one of a kind!

I say that with the upmost respect!

I feels odd, the first 7 days i was completely over it, was no contact etc, and didnt care.

Now im on day 14 and instead of it getting easier, i find myself getting the urge to contact her....although im not. It's odd because for the first 10 days, the urge did not exist at ALL! I thought this urge usually happens during the first week or so, not this many days into it.

Any advice or past experiences?

Expect big swings.

And when I say "expect" I mean anticipate it and come to peace with it to some degree.

Without going into a lot of ugly detail, I went through a period of very heavy depression once... clinical, chronic, bad, bad stuff.

The irony of it all was when I started working out of the depression, I suddenly had major anxiety swings. Friends would ask how this felt and the best I could come up with was it felt like I just woke up, having heard glass break, and just saw someone with a gun move down my hall. Just. Like. That.

Seems that people who come out of depression sometimes struggle with this 'cause you weren't feeling anything but numbed and rock bottom, and suddenly there's all these emotions to deal with. Most of my hard anxiety hits can after a really great day... as if my body just couldn't accept that good was good and it could last or at least not be followed by awful.

So... whathehell does this have to do with you? Well... instead of freaking out when that anxiety hit right out of nowhere, I simply would tell myself "yep. there it is. been waiting for ja"... and over time, weeks, I completely worked that out of my system for the most part. And a big part of it was simply accepting "im probably going to have a bad hit sometime in the next day or two and thats fine"...

Well... I found a similar pattern with the breakup of a Big love. Id be doing fine, even have a few great days, and within a week id have that swing toward missing her, wanting to contact, etc. pi$$ed me off... frustrated me...

But again, somehow it seemed better just to give myself permission to have that desire for contact or wanting to know how she is, etc...

Might sound like headcase mumbo jumbo, but I think it can work.

When you really begin to believe that your actions and your emotions are completely different... that its completely OK to miss someone and not contact them... that its perfectly normal to have someone insult you or even anger you, but to be able to shrug it off... when you can start to talk yourself into that place, then life just isn't such a struggle.

Fine. You are really missing that contact. Its expected. Normal. Uncomfortable. A little maddening. But the reason to have distance isn't driven by your feelings... its driven by the situation and by need. It isn't healthy to have contact right now, whether you are feeling good or bad.

Its like saying the sun is going to rise and set whether you feel glad, bad, sad, mad... I'm a regular dr seuss tnite... if space is needed, its needed...

So give yourself permission to feel those cravings. Its normal. It sucks. Its annoying. But OK. Doesn't change the situation.

Maybe that kind of self talk won't help everyone... but for an ill tempered irish jerk like me... its done some powerful stuff... takes time to trust in it and you still catch yourself being a moron... but there's a lot of power in accepting that your feelings don't drive your actions... your beliefs should drive your actions.

k.

I'm done with the mental flossing.

I want thai food. Right. Now.

Good idea. Thai food.

Good idea. Thai food.

Goodnight... Later

expect big swings.

and when i say "expect" i mean anticipate it and come to peace with it to some degree.

without going into a lot of ugly detail, i went through a period of very heavy depression once... clinical, chronic, bad, bad stuff.

the irony of it all was when i started working out of the depression, i suddenly had major anxiety swings. friends would ask how this felt and the best i could come up with was it felt like i just woke up, having heard glass break, and just saw someone with a gun move down my hall. just. like. that.

seems that people who come out of depression sometimes struggle with this 'cause you werent feeling anything but numbed and rock bottom, and suddenly theres all these emotions to deal with. most of my hard anxiety hits can after a really great day... as if my body just couldnt accept that good was good and it could last or at least not be followed by awful.

so... whathehell does this have to do with you? well... instead of freaking out when that anxiety hit right out of nowhere, i simply would tell myself "yep. there it is. been waiting for ja"... and over time, weeks, i completely worked that out of my system for the most part. and a big part of it was simply accepting "im probably going to have a bad hit sometime in the next day or two and thats fine"...

well... i found a similar pattern with the breakup of a Big love. id be doing fine, even have a few great days, and within a week id have that swing toward missing her, wanting to contact, etc. pi$$ed me off... frustrated me...

but again, somehow it seemed better just to give myself permission to have that desire for contact or wanting to know how she is, etc...

might sound like headcase mumbo jumbo, but i think it can work.

when you really begin to believe that your actions and your emotions are completely different... that its completely ok to miss someone and not contact them... that its perfectly normal to have someone insult you or even anger you, but to be able to shrug it off... when you can start to talk yourself into that place, then life just isnt such a struggle.

fine. you are really missing that contact. its expected. normal. uncomfortable. a little maddening. but the reason to have distance isnt driven by your feelings... its driven by the situation and by need. it isnt healthy to have contact right now, whether you are feeling good or bad.

its like saying the sun is going to rise and set whether you feel glad, bad, sad, mad.... im a regular dr seuss tnite... if space is needed, its needed...

so give yourself permission to feel those cravings. its normal. it sucks. its annoying. but ok. doesnt change the situation.

maybe that kind of self talk wont help everyone... but for an ill tempered irish jerk like me... its done some powerful stuff... takes time to trust in it and you still catch yourself being a moron... but theres a lot of power in accepting that your feelings dont drive your actions... your beliefs should drive your actions.

k.

im done with the mental flossing.

i want thai food. right. now.




Thank you all!! and thank you for this!! I was stuck looking at my phone, waiting for a call lol like most of us do... Every text that comes through, I think its her... Our emotions are insane at times. I went to the gym about an hour ago, worked out, and that took away the urge to call A lot.

The MAIN times I have this struggle is in the morning when waking up, and at night when going to sleep. I toss and turn wondering who she is with, what she's doing, etc... I know its all normal. Being unemployed doesn't help either. I enrolled in school, but that doesn't start until the summer.

A friend of mine told me to smoke a blunt at night. That will put me to sleep and I won't be thinking of anything, lol... Im not going to do that.

I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tomorrow... I agreed to that, but I'm not going to get into the dating scene that quick... I mean... its only been 14 days since we broke up... and I plan to let this person know that as well

thank you all!!!, and thank you for this!!. I was stuck looking at my phone, waiting for a call lol like most of us do....Every text that comes thru, I think its her...Our emotions are insane at times. I went to the gym about an hour ago, worked out, and that took away the urge to call A lot.

The MAIN times I have this struggle is in the morning when waking up, and at night when going to sleep. I toss and turn wondering who she is with, what she's doing, etc...I know its all normal. Being unemployed doesnt help either. I enrolled in school, but that doesnt start until the summer.

A friend of mine told me to smoke a blunt at night. That will put me to sleep and I wont be thinking of anything, lol...Im not going to do that.

I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow...I agreed to that, but im not going to get into the dating scene that quick....i mean....its only been 14 days since we broke up...and I plan to let this person know that as well


Good for you! It will get easier I promise you! Just try to stay away from the blunts and the booze. You know how weak most people get when they drink. Hope you have a wonderful time and take it slow. Blessings!

Clarity, remember?

Booze & blunts aren't going to help you get through this. Just mask the issues.
Habits, just like this past relationship.

You got to fix yourself first & take a hard look at what just happened & why.
(who you are & how you go about things)

Responsibility, remember?

Especially before you bring someone else romantically into your life.

Be honest w/yourself & everyone else & you'll be fine.

And don't worry who's she with or if you're going to get a message from her.
Those are just unknowns that should be left unknown.

Clarity, remember?

Booze & blunts arent gonna help you get through this. Just mask the issues.
Habits, just like this past relationship.

You gotta fix yourself first & take a hard look at what just happened & why.
(who you are & how you go about things)

Responsibility, remember?

Especially before you bring someone else romantically into your life.

Be honest w/yourself & everyone else & you'll be fine.


And dont worry whos she with or if youre gonna get a message from her.
Those are just unknowns that should be left unknown.



I know are trying to get past this relationship and move on

Don't drink and don't smoke. Don't talk to this date about "HER"

Don't start looking for another woman until you are well past this

Spend some time alone getting to know yourself

YES!!

Take some time, be patient. Go through the anxiety & hurt.
Remember that research on yourself. Who am I?

If you do that & work hard, you will thank yourself later & you will find that others see that. Or who is worthy of being close to you.

Build some character. Sounds like you've been an avoider from the get go.
Its time to be an adult.

The last thing a woman wants is to hear about your last crappy relationship.
Ugh.

YES!!!!!!!!

Take some time, be patient. Go through the anxiety & hurt.
Remember that research on yourself. Who am I?

If you do that & work hard, you will thank yourself later & you will find that others see that. Or who is worthy of being close to you.

Build some character. Sounds like youve been an avoider from the get go.Its time to be an adult.

The last thing a woman wants is to hear about your last crappy relationship.
Ugh.

Thank you for that... an avoider how?

Again, Im speaking of responsibility.
Trying your best to not repeat mistakes, that's all.

Don't have a cow. Here's some examples:

"I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively"

"I don't know if its because i slept with someone on saturday"

"Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking."

"But this relationship should have been left a long time ago."

"I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatability"

"What I will say to you is for the last 6.5 years, we've had that make-up break-up type of relationship where we've never been broken up for more than 2 or 3 weeks and yes i know that is TOXIC"

"I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow..."

Again, Im speaking of responsibility.
Trying your best to not repeat mistakes, thats all.

Dont have a cow. Heres some examples:

"I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively"

"I don't know if its because i slept with someone on saturday"

"Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking."

"But this relationship should have been left a long time ago."

"I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatability"

"What I will say to you is for the last 6.5 years, we've had that make-up break-up type of relationship where we've never been broken up for more than 2 or 3 weeks and yes i know that is TOXIC"

"I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow..."



OK I understand, thank u for that, and I will do some inner digging

Why don't you just get away by yourself for a couple of days.

No women, no booze, no blunts. Go fishing or visit an old friend

Learn to respect yourself and you'll find alone time is the best way.


Good Luck

Good, one. Buddy. Your welcome. I want to see you get yourself together.
Not just with this breakup.(thats easy), I mean you.

Not trying to bust your chops, just let you know that our life is our own.

No one else's.

Its easy to be on auto-pilot. Believe that things are out of our control.

Its just the opposite.

Some people waste their entire life that way. Then wonder why.

Very true Vanheart! Good advice

A friend of mine told me to smoke a blunt at night. That will put me to sleep and I wont be thinking of anything, lol...Im not going to do that.

Id advise against trying to use anything to medicate your way past a problem unless it given by medical advice.

Sure... a glass of wine at night before bed sometimes is nice, but when its laced around an issue or problem, it really is the foundation for substance abuse. Its using a false coping skill to navigate unfriendly waters.

I know you said you wouldn't do this. I just have to say I know more than one alcoholic who started by medicating through those tough moments.

Yeah I definitely will not be masking it with substances

I cleaned out my closet today, and I still have a pair of shoes of hers. Maybe I will wait a month before texting her as to what she wants me to do with her shoes

yeah i definately will not be masking it with substances

I cleaned out my closet today, and I still have a pair of shoes of hers. Maybe I will wait a month before texting her as to what she wants me to do with her shoes

Don't do it! She doesn't want the shoes !

Don't even.
They aren't your worry.
Chuck 'em.

yeah i definately will not be masking it with substances

I cleaned out my closet today, and I still have a pair of shoes of hers. Maybe I will wait a month before texting her as to what she wants me to do with her shoes

I think the garbage can wants them! :D

I think the garbage can wants them! :D


Lol

Lol


Yes!

I think the garbage can wants them! :D

I guess the reason I asked that question is because I broke up with her... its wasn't vice versa... I can see if she had broke up with me, I wouldntve cared about the shoes... I guess it's the fact that I ended it

Same difference.
Unless you want to wear them around for a while.

The point is your doing some cleaning. Emotional & otherwise.
Good for you.

Getting rid of stuff, you know.. there's lots more stuff. Its just takes time, patience & will.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. This question is an off the wall one... Im not sure if I should make it a regular post, but...

If your g/f or b/f told you that he/she would break up with you if you got a tatoo(say a tattoo on your upper arm that just says your first initial of you name), how would that make you feel? How would you go about handling that?

Just curious as to your opinions

How well do you like this girfriend? Please tell me it's not the ex!

Yeah, what's the root of this question?

If that's the case, a silly one. That tattoo hasn't even happened.
Sounds childish.

These are superficial things. Id be more concerned about what's underneath.

Well this was someone I went to dinner with, not in date mode, just had a great conversation w/o alcohol one, a conversation that I loved, and that is what she said, like way down the line if ever dated(and that was just a sample) and I got a tattoo while we were dating, she would break up...

Ive know people in 7 or more year relationships that have broken up because of it.

I guess my opinion is that if you want to break up or not date me then fine. I will not let my signicant other stop me from loving myself and my body. Not in conceited way... just saying..

How well do you like this girfriend? Please tell me it's not the ex!

If I liked this girfriend a lot... and no, not the ex lol. I will tell you THAT story when I'm more in high spirits as I ran into her this weekend

Maybe you should consult Tommy Lee or Kat Von D.

You are absolutely right. But I thought your significant other is gone.


I would work on healing from this one before filling your head with this type of useless garbage.

Don't look in the past.

If i liked this girfriend a lot....and no, not the ex lol. I will tell you THAT story when im more in high spirits as I ran into her this weekend

Please tell me you didn't talk to her. You are doing good don't let her sucker you back in. Also don't let anyone give you ultimatums! You do not need anyone telling you what to do about anything as dumb as a tattoo. Keep strong and don't jump out of the frying pan too soon:)

Yeah, are you fibbing to us 580?

Good one. Yes.

Shes got major problems. You must be exhausted by now.

Cut her out of your life. Save yourself.

Its gonna be a road, but go total NC. No question. She will plead to you later for sure. Just ignore it.

But the reality is that she doesnt give a rats a$$ about you. Only what gets her off.
She's bad news.




I know all of you are going to grill me! But I am going to be honest and tell you that she was over my aunts house on Saturday, I had a few drinks, so did she, and of course so did my aunt... We ended up having sex, and then again on Sunday. I feel dumb. She's back gone, like usual. Im back on NC all the way though..

Vanheart, I shouldve read that stickie a million times

...and of course so did my aunt.....We ended up having sex ...

When I first read this, I thought the aunt was involved with the sex part.
To say the least I was :eek:

I'm not going to grill anyone.

Just moving on to other threads.

Good luck.

I'm out.

im not going to grill anyone.

just moving on to other threads.

good luck.

im out.


I totally understand. We al make mistakes, and unfortuntely I did. Never been through this before. You live and you learn. What I will not do is beat myself up about it

I totally understand. We al make mistakes, and unfortuntely I did. Never been thru this before. You live and you learn. What I will not do is beat myself up about it

Good luck!

Good luck!

Thank u Kitkat

Bad habits die hard.

The reason why were here giving advice is to get you to heal & be a better person down the road.

The tried & true methods. NC, baby.

There's weakness and then there's strength. An inner conflict.
Who's winning?

Just don't want to see you go backwards & prolong the agony for another taste of the past. That will screw with you later.

Don't think what you want is occasional booty calls in a toxic thing. That's not moving forward.

The woman is BAD NEWS and you are being a PUPPET! WAKE UP! SHE IS NO GOOD FOR YOU! You are weak and let me tell you something, women are disgusted by weak men. They use them only when no one else is available. You're nothing to her.

She probably despises your weakness and yet you keep dancing to her tune. Women want a strong man, one they can't lead around by the nose. Women also get together and talk about men the weak ones, they just shrug off, the strong ones they want. Be spineless and weak when it comes to her. Ten years from now you'll still be waiting for her text! I'm upset with you:mad::mad:

Yup, another taste of what isn't working.

Tell your aunt too about how you are now on NC.

Sounds like this episode was a mirror of this relationship.

Just wondering.

Was that ex/tattoo question about the girl from the original post?

If so, you are living up to "confused"

If you aren't honest with yourself, you can't truly be honest to anyone else in life.

Just wondering.

Was that ex/tattoo question about the girl from the original post?

No van , I don't think so . This thread has been merged a couple of times.

Hmmm..

Didn't see a merge.

Anyway...

Back to round 2 of "NC"
(see the quote marks?)

Hmmm..

Didnt see a merge.

Anyway...

Back to round 2 of "NC"
(see the quote marks?)

That man is going to do whatever it takes to get this girl back. Maybe I'm thinking of another thread.

Its all about not taking responsibility.

Wants it handed him on a silver platter while he does whatever.

Alcohol fueled auto-pilot. Then crying why.

Its all about not taking responsibility.

Wants it handed him on a silver platter while he does whatever.

Alcohol fueled auto-pilot. Then crying why.



I want to thank you all. You all are much older and wiser and I'm just going through it folks. On st. Patty's day, my friends wanted me to start drinking early in the morning with them. I ended up doing that, was blasted around 1pm, went to the club with them around 11pm... you can imagine how THAT was... I was very blasted, lost my cell phone(someone picked it up and took off with it), I did a hook-up(dont remember that... this person won't answer my calls.. dont know if it was just because it was a one night stand or because of how drunk I was... I also sent some very mean things to my ex by text... ALL OF THESE things you all warned me about, look what happened... A hard-headed fool I am... Now the last 2 days I've been drinking str8t ALL day just to erase those memories and that night... I feel like a big mess guys

So,are you going to sort your drinking problem out now?

That would be a good idea.

She does not feel that she has a drinking problem
She does have a drinking problem, so do you, and its only a symptom of a greater problem you both face.

Quote by Talaniman, Feb. 24th, 2010
My questions to you is

a). How should I go about this situation?
Get Help through Alcoholics Anonymous,and Alanon, and maybe a qualified counselor to get to the root cause of your real problem. But first you both have to want to have help, as if your unwilling to get what you need, you won't do anything about it.
b). What does it mean to lose your identity in a relationship? I've searched this online, and am unable to find it. I am the type that if I lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.
While this may be very true, your real problem is you have lost perspective, and are making some unhealthy choices that make your problems bigger, not smaller.

Fear of losing your partner is at the roots of your inability to do the right things that help you both. Your lack of wanting to deal with conflict also plays a big part in you taking a stand, not just for yourself, but the ones you love, and others around you.

Look at it this way, its not about losing your identity, its about you being afraid to act. Deal with the fear by acknowledging there is a problem, make a plan to deal with it, and be ready, and willing to act

In this way maybe you can find your courage, and get out of your comfort zone, and do what it takes to solve this issue, as the consequences of inaction is, you and your woman, will lose in the end anyway.

You should be more afraid of where inactions lead you, than being afraid to take action.

If she won't go for help, or is unwilling to admit her problem, forget her, you go get help for yourself. You can hardly be of help to her without getting the help and SUPPORT you need to be healthy.

If you're finally ready admit your own problems, and you will find there is a solution.

Do you have a drinking problem?
You may have a drinking problem if you...

Can never stick to “just one” drink.
Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.
Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
Ever “black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.
Regularly drink more than you intended to.
Signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse
Substance abuse experts make a distinction between alcohol abuse and alcoholism (also called alcohol dependence). Unlike alcoholics, alcohol abusers still have at least some ability to set limits on their drinking. However, their alcohol use is still self-destructive and dangerous to themselves or others.

Common signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse include:
Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school because of your drinking. For example, performing poorly at work, flunking classes, neglecting your kids, or skipping out on commitments because you’re hung over.
Using alcohol in situations where it’s physically dangerous, such as drinking and driving, operating machinery while intoxicated, or mixing alcohol with prescription medication against doctor’s orders.
Experiencing repeated legal problems on account of your drinking. For example, getting arrested for driving under the influence or drunk and disorderly conduct.
Continuing to drink even though your alcohol use is causing problems in your relationships. Getting drunk with your buddies, for example, even though you know your wife will be very upset, or fighting with your family because they dislike you when you drink.

You Need Help! Did your Ex Drink before She met you!

So,are you going to sort your drinking problem out now?

That would be a good idea.

Yes I am... its like I drink to escape boredom and also what I did 3 days ago. I still feel awful about it

Do you have a drinking problem?
You may have a drinking problem if you...

Can never stick to “just one” drink.
Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.
Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
Ever “black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.
Regularly drink more than you intended to.
Signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse
Substance abuse experts make a distinction between alcohol abuse and alcoholism (also called alcohol dependence). Unlike alcoholics, alcohol abusers still have at least some ability to set limits on their drinking. However, their alcohol use is still self-destructive and dangerous to themselves or others.

Common signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse include:
Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school because of your drinking. For example, performing poorly at work, flunking classes, neglecting your kids, or skipping out on commitments because you’re hung over.
Using alcohol in situations where it’s physically dangerous, such as drinking and driving, operating machinery while intoxicated, or mixing alcohol with prescription medication against doctor’s orders.
Experiencing repeated legal problems on account of your drinking. For example, getting arrested for driving under the influence or drunk and disorderly conduct.
Continuing to drink even though your alcohol use is causing problems in your relationships. Getting drunk with your buddies, for example, even though you know your wife will be very upset, or fighting with your family because they dislike you when you drink.

You Need Help!! Did your Ex Drink before She met you!


Yes my ex drank before she met me. We both have a DUI, although they were 4 years ago

So go and seek help-AA.therapy-the works.

You need to turn your life around.

ROSEVILLE, Mich. -- The family and friends of four teens who were killed in an alleged drunken driving crash Monday night are mourning them and standing up against drunk driving.

Hundreds of Lake Shore High School students and the organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving held a Students Against Drunk Driving rally at Macomb Mall Tuesday afternoon to honor the lives of three of their classmates and another who were killed.


READ THIS AND THEN WHINE ABOUT YOUR EX!!
Go tell these parents your having a bad time over another alcoholic and see if it eases their pain!!


The four teenagers, Erica Haudek, 15, Jordan Michalak, 16, Stephanie Currie, 16, students at Lake Shore High School, and Devon Spurlock, 19, were waiting at a red light on Gratiot Avenue near Masonic Boulevard when a drunken driver lost control of her vehicle and hit them, police said.

An 11th-grade student was fighting a mix of sorrow and anger when she told Local 4 it was not fair what happened to the teens.

"I am very upset that they did not get to say goodbye -- I wanted to say goodbye," said Ashly Lowry at the rally. "Because a lady got drunk and was irresponsible and hit them … It was not their fault."

Frances Patricia Dingle, 47, was charged with four counts of second-degree murder in the teens' death.

The Macomb County Prosecutors said Dingle's blood-alcohol level was .20 percent, two-and-a half times the legal limit, when her full-size Ford van barreled into the car full of teens.

She remains in custody at a Macomb County jail on $500,000 bond. Dingle has battled addiction for many years and told the court she had been sober for four years, but had a relapse two days ago.

Take A Deeper Look At The Troubled Past Of The Woman Accused Of Killing The Teens

Witnesses said Dingle was driving between 60 and 80 mph south of Gratiot Avenue when her vehicle went airborne, flipping over three times and taking out a light pole before hitting the teenagers' car.

"I noticed the van weaving in and out of traffic, and the next thing I know she slams into the car waiting at the red light," said Jeff Robinson, a witness to the crash.

In a panic, Robinson ran to the car to help, but said there was little he could do.

Three of the teens died at the scene. Spurlock, who was the driver of the red Chevy Cobalt, was taken to Mount Clemens General Hospital in critical condition. He died Tuesday at 5 a.m. "It's safe to say that everyone is heart broken, we lost a lot of good people," said student Alex Monday.

Dingle was taken St. John Macomb Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

"Always the drunk comes out fine with no scratches and the kids die," Lake Shore High student Breanne Mikus.

Dozens of grieving students left school early Tuesday upon hearing the news of the teens' death.


I HOPE YOU AND EVERYONE WHO DRINK AND DRIVE SEE THESE KIDS IN THEIR DREAMS!!

I hope you are starting to realize the root of all this.

Once you get some help & get your addiction under control, then you can start seeing things clearly.

Including relationships.

I hope you are starting to realize the root of all this.

Once you get some help & get your addiction under control, then you can start seeing things clearly.

Including relationships.

Van did you read about the black out he had? He and the ex both have DUIs. I'm sure you did! Just venting.. one of the kids in the grade class I use to substitute,was killed two years ago by a guy who was drunk. He's not the first around here either. I could name twenty from our county alone who have died in the last ten years by a drunk! Thanks for letting me vent.

Yeah, I read it.
My sister is an alcoholic. Lots of heartache there. Believe me.

The point is only the individual can take the steps to fix it.

Im not condoning this behavior in the least.

Dazed.. I do hope you come back here and discuss your problem. You do have a problem. The ex girfriend is irrelevant to what I'm asking you to do. I get very angry when I hear someone saying they are still drinking after getting a DUI. Do you have children? How would you feel if someone who was driving drunk killed one of your family members?

Whether you get back with this ex or not I don't care cause if you do it's like the blind leading the blind. Casual sex with someone you don't know is dangerous to you and for them. AIDS and other STDs haven't taken a holiday. Before you kill someone by drinking and driving or before you wind up killing yourself with alcohol you need to think about what's important.

God gave you life and a free will and so far you haven't used that free will to make good choices. Think about what you're doing and if you want to change get help!

Today I went to AA for the firs time. It was great! One day at a time...

I still feel bad for all the mean texts I sent to my ex while drunk on wednesdays, saying things like "your pathetic". Only reason I said this you guys is because she "texted" me to ask me can she have some money instead of calling... I guess my emtions got the best of me... She won't answer my calls nor texts... I did text her I loved her, and that was the only text that she replied saying: "that was so sweet of you :)" (with the smiley face included)... after that she didn't respond back to anymore texts...


I know I said I wouldn't text, I just felt bad for going off on her while drunk. We've both done this too each other, my mines is more recent. I was laid off from my job, and I have TOO much time on my hands. Most of my time was either with my job or my ex... Now that both are gone, its like I don't have anything to do most of the day.

Im thinking of going to 4-5 AA meetings a day and also ask them if they know places I can do volunteer work... If I do that, then I won't obsess about what my ex is doing, who she's doing it with, etc...

My best friend who is a girl, said that me texting like that was just feeding her ego, so STOP!

Thank you all for all of your support, and I will be going back to AA tomorrow and the rest of the week

Great man.

Make sure to keep up the meetings.

Don't go back.

Great man.

Make sure to keep up the meetings.

Dont go back.



Thank you both... I'm not going back, I just felt bad for drunk texting her, and wanted to get my apology across, but seems she won't accept it... o well I guess. Maybe later in time she will

I am glad you are getting help! That shows you are trying to get your life together. Good for you! You can do it! Don't depend on anyone else to make you happy. I have seen so many lives ruined by alcohol and so many innocent people die because of someone driving drunk.

I will remember you in my prayers and you need to pray for strength. If you are sincere God will hear your plea. You have taken a huge step in going to AA and I hope you continue to do so. You hang in there and you'll find you may like the man you become without the alcohol.

It won't be easy, but nothing is easy anymore. You stick to it dazed and I'll bet a year from now or six or even three months from now you'll see everything in a different light. Blessings.:)

Don't worry about that stuff.
Just you.

Good decision-AA and volunteering-and I hope you'll find a new job soon.

Once you get your life back on track I think you will realise how toxic and destructive your relationship was.

Stick to no contact and concentrate on you.

Good decision-AA and volunteering-and I hope you'll find a new job soon.

Once you get your life back on track I think you will realise how toxic and destructive your relationship was.

Stick to no contact and concentrate on you.


Yeah I plan on it. Are you saying I should not be worried about if she accepts the apology

I am-let it go- you apologized.
End of.

I am-let it go- you apologized.
End of.

You owe her nothing! Keep getting your life together!:)

My ex finally replied by text to me saying: "Aww that was sweet"... I didn't reply, don't plan on it. Nows the time for me to work on me

my ex finally replied by text to me saying: "Aww that was sweet".....I didnt reply back, dont plan on it. Nows the time for me to work on me

Good for You! :)

I wish my job didn't lay me off. Im looking for other jobs. My idle mind is getting best of me. I go to AA, but that's at 8pm. This has been the LONGEST day... No g/f anymore, my friends are busy with school, and the only other hobby I have is to work out at the gym in which I did. Now WONDER I sit and wonder what she's up to. I have too much time on my hands...

I hear everyone say keep busy with that or this and that doesn't always work. I'll think of something. I go back to school but that isn't until September. That's what I get for making this person my world

I wish my job didnt lay me off. Im looking for other jobs. My idle mind is getting best of me. I go to AA, but thats at 8pm. This has been the LONGEST day....No g/f anymore, my friends are busy with school, and the only other hobby I have is to work out at the gym in which I did. Now WONDER I sit and wonder what she's up to. I have too much time on my hands....

I hear everyone say keep busy with that or this and that doesnt always work. I'll think of something. I go back to school but that isnt until september. Thats what I get for making this person my world

Go visit your minister or priest. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Help an elderly person by asking if they need help with anything. Read a good book. This is a good time to reflect on finding what caused you to start drinking so heavily in the first place. Do you have children?

I use to attend many meetings a day to get sober, and volunteering is a great eye opening experience.

"Seek, and ye shall find". That's what my sponsor told me. He was right.

Exactly,

No excuses.

Exactly,

No excuses.



Take it one day at a time dazed. You will grow stronger.:)

I use to attend many meetings a day to get sober, and volunteering is a great eye opening experience.

"Seek, and ye shall find". Thats what my sponsor told me. He was right.



Thank you talaniman, I am going to do that night that I have the AA directory... tonight was my 2nd night...

I know this may sound stupid, but nights are the hardest past 10 because I visualize someone having sex with her durning the night, and I toss and turn. Maybe its still feelings, but I WISH they would Leave! Grrrrr

thank u talaniman, I am going to do that night that I have the AA directory....tonight was my 2nd night...

I know this may sound stupid, but nights are the hardest past 10 because I visualize someone having sex with her durning the night, and i toss and turn. maybe its still feelings, but i WISH they would Leave! grrrrr

Think of other things! Like being on the beach or some pleasant memories from childhood. Good luck dazedd!:)

Think of other things! Like being on the beach or some pleasant memories from childhood. Good luck dazedd!:)



Easier said then done lol, but thank you for that. I will try that

Easier said then done lol, but thank you for that. I will try that

Also talk to God. He's on call 24/7. I'm very proud of you Dazed for starting AA. I'll be praying for you. I think you are going to like the person you find when you get sober. Blessings Dazed:):)

Yup, its easy to say "easier said then done"

Those thoughts are just conjured up fantasies.

And believe me. Ive perpetuated enough of those.

Just put your mind in the things you know to be real. Like your next step.

Fantasize all you want though, man. Just about the good things to come.

Be patient & keep up the meetings.

Day 3 of Sobriety... WOW, last night talk about some WEIRD FREAKED OUT DREAMS & NIGHT- SWEATS!

I couldn't sleep, was tossing and turning, and kept waking up to wet clothes, my entire body was sweating... im hoping this was due to withdrawal, and not a more serious problem... My friend who was diagnosed with HIV had nights sweats.


I know my ex gets out of class at 9, and I Know I need to stop looking at my phone to see if she will call. I'm just so used to it..

Im going to 3 meetings a day, I purposley made one of those meetings at night so I won't drink during the day. I guess to volunteer for AA u have to be sober for 1 year, which should be obvious..

We'll see how this goes

I was also told to take a sleep-aid at night, that would get me over constantly thinking about the Ex at this time

Take nothing with out seeing a doctor. People in recovery often substitute one addiction for another to get them through. And be straight forward, and honest to the doctor, that your in recovery. None of that over the counter self medication.

Take nothing with out seeing a doctor. People in recovery often substitute one addiction for another to get them thru. And be straight forward, and honest to the doctor, that your in recovery. None of that over the counter self medication.

You can do it dazed... Listen to talaniman. Hope you do this.:)

One day at a time.

Breaking old habits. Takes time.

Replacing them with good things. No matter what those are.
Ones that don't medicate but uplift.

Remember those days?

Keep those thoughts about how great your new life will be. And how strong you will become for sticking it out.

One day at a time.

Breaking old habits. Takes time.

Replacing them with good things. No matter what those are.
Ones that dont medicate but uplift.

Remember those days?

Keep those thoughts about how great your new life will be. And how strong you will become for sticking it out.

Good advice. Be strong Dazed. Better days are coming. You will love what being sober feels like. My nephew has been sober for two years now. He is going back to school and has started playing his guitar again and writing music. You can do the same:)

Didn't make it to AA today, didn't wake up until around 3pm, asi was coughing all night and with night sweats. I had wind symphony rehearsal a few hours after I woke up, and am just now getting home... thank goodness I didn't have the urge to stop by the store.

Go later. Just don't drink.

I'm still upset about the verbal abusive text messages I sent my ex while waisted last Wednesday on st. pattys day. I apologized for it, but she just didn't really accept it. But that's all I can do for now

Don't worry about that stuff.

That's in the past. Doesn't serve you one bit.

There's thoughts that feel good & then there's the other ones.

Don't stress about her.

580,

There's a couple things that you got to do.

Set some goals with sobriety. And the reasons.
Get a calendar and set that end point. Mark the milestones.
That will help you in the process. To feel good about reaching them, and striving to. After a while, you won't even need the calendar, you will have gotten there. That will be a part of history.

Do some digging within yourself.
Everything from childhood to now. Relationships. How you went about things so far. With everything.
Who are you now? Where to you want to be?

What change will feel like.

580,

Theres a couple things that you gotta do.

Set some goals with sobriety. And the reasons why.
Get a calendar and set that end point. Mark the milestones.
That will help you in the process. To feel good about reaching them, and striving to. After a while, you wont even need the calendar, you will have gotten there. That will be a part of history.

Do some digging within yourself.
Everything from childhood to now. Relationships. How you went about things so far. With everything.
Who are you now? Where to you want to be?

What change will feel like.




Dazed.. she's not worried about you . Stop thinking up excuses to call her. You may disagree with this but you have started on the right path.Don't get derailed... :)

Dazed.. she's not worried about you . Stop thinking up excuses to call her. You may disagree with this but you have started on the right path.Don't get derailed...:)





Kitkat thank you for reading my mind lol. And yes, I will stay on the right path. There's this girl who's trying to talk to me now, but I mentioned to her that I need to work out my alcohol issues first... She still wants to take me to dinner tomorrow, etc... She's coming to my wind symphony concert on Saturday, although I didn't want her to, so I hope she understands and realizes that this has to start VERY slow and get to be just regular good friends first while I work on myself. I will also stress to her not to wait on me, as I don't want someone to "hold on" while I get it together


Back to Kitkatt, of course my ex isn't worried, she's in class all day everyday and when not in class working, so she has No time to worry about me... I wish I was in the boat with a demanding schedule like that... that is what's called "keeping busy"... In September though, that will be me

Just be honest. With everything.

Did I mention about those ridiculous thoughts?

"she has No time to worry about me....I wish i was in the boat with a demanding schedule like that....that is whats called "keeping busy"

How are you keeping busy? By wondering if she is?

Kitkat thank u for reading my mind lol. and yes, I will stay on the right path. There's this girl who's trying to talk to me now, but i mentioned to her that i need to work out my alcohol issues first...She still wants to take me to dinner tommorrow, etc...She's coming to my wind symphony concert on saturday, although I didnt want her to, so i hope she understands and realizes that this has to start VERY slow and get to be just regular good friends first while i work on myself. I will also stress to her not to wait on me, as i dont want someone to "hold on" while i get it together


Back to Kitkatt, of course my ex isnt worried, shes in class all day everyday and when not in class working, so she has No time to worry about me....I wish i was in the boat with a demanding schedule like that....that is whats called "keeping busy"....In september tho, that will be me



I just am so proud of you! I KNOW you can do this! Here is a big HUG for you and I mean that as friend. I'm old enough to be your mom, so I'll just talk to you like a mom.:)

I just am so proud of you! I KNOW you can do this! Here is a big HUG for you and I mean that as friend. I'm old enough to be your mom, so I'll just talk to you like a mom.:)

Thank you Kitkatt :)

I don't know I'm so obsessed with this girl... Its maybe just that I can't picture no one else with her. Im just picturing her happy meeting the guy of her dreams, etc... I need to take my mind off that as u guys mentioned, and to work on myself to have a happy life

Yup. Why are you? One of lots of questions.

Good, man.

So my aunt called me over to watch movies tonight. She lives across the hall from my ex. I stated as long as my ex was not there, I would come. So I went, and my ex wasn't over my aunts.


I go to the store and head downstairs and see this new car in front of her place, and then the guy goes to her apt. My heart sunk... Anyway, I went back to my aunts, finished the movie and was leaving... BTW, my ex had no idea I was over there.

When I left, I heard them two going at it (sex), and I had an out of body experience... My heart COMPLETELY SANK... It sunk so bad, I did the unthinkable and sent her a text and said "You just screwed me 2 weeks ago!!!" and no reply.

I know this was stupid, my emotions went out of control, so I told my aunt I'm changing my number tomorrow.. She will have no future ways of getting in contact with me...

I know this girl ALL-TO-WELL... If she knew that I never knew about this, she would've contacted me eventually trying to meet, hook-up, etc...

All I can say is WOW... now I can't even sleep thinking about this... I keep tossing and turning visualizing this

Calm down, you made a mistake by texting her but oh well, it's human (I would probably kick her door and yell so it's not that bad... ) Making plans keeps me alive, maybe it can work for you.

You knew you could eventually run into her or "him" when you went there. You screwed up. It's fine. It hurts, it's normal. Try to sleep and if you really can't, put everything on a piece of paper. Make a plan. Try to stick to it.

You are making a huge progress, don't stop yourself.

Calm down, you made a mistake by texting her but oh well, it's human (I would probably kick her door and yell so it's not that bad...) Making plans keeps me alive, maybe it can work for you.

You knew you could eventually run into her or "him" when you went there. You screwed up. It's fine. It hurts, it's normal. Try to sleep and if you really can't, put everything on a piece of paper. Make a plan. Try to stick to it.

You are making a huge progress, don't stop yourself.



Thank you for that man, I really appreciate it. Good to find someone else still up... and yes I DID feel like kicking the door down. We just had sex 2 weeks ago(dumb mistake of me) and already you are screwing... Like I said in my original post, obviously she was talking to someone else while talking to me... It hasn't even been a month yet, WOW...

But yeah I made a mistake, almost grabbed a drink on the way home, but I said you know what... nevermind I won't do that

Good job not hitting the bottle.

Could you give your sponsor a call?

Actually speaking to someone might be a good idea now.

As for your ex having somebody in her life,and possibly having gone behind your back while you were still together- that sucks,but you're going to have to move past it and keep moving on.

Good job not hitting the bottle.

Could you give your sponsor a call?

Actually speaking to someone might be a good idea now.

As for your ex having somebody in her life,and possibly having gone behind your back while you were still together- that sucks,but you're going to have to move past it and keep moving on.


I'm getting a sponsor on Monday... I texted my ex and now she KNOWS that I know, so good rittens... She will never call me or text me again because now she knows that I know about tonight, so that's one less issue I will have to worry about from now on

Dude,

As sucky as that incident was, I hope you got a few lessons out of it.

Who she is, who you are & what you want & to avoid proximity with her.
Tell your aunt to come over to your place next time.

Don't set yourself up for heartache.

Ya, know I almost wish I would have heard my girlfriend banging her new boyfriend.
But I did that in my head. 5 days after she dumped I went NC.
For good.

Same difference. There's really only one thing you do when someone doesn't want you. No longer want them.

Don't let this affect the great things you are doing for yourself & the progress you are making. This isn't about her, or anyone else really, its about you.

There's good people out there, don't you worry.

Dude,

As sucky as that incident was, I hope you got a few lessons out of it.

Who she is, who you are & what you want & to avoid proximity with her.
Tell your aunt to come over to your place next time.

Dont set yourself up for heartache.

Ya, know I almost wish I would have heard my gf banging her new bf.
But I did that in my head. 5 days after she dumped I went NC.
For good.

Same difference. Theres really only one thing you do when someone doesnt want you. No longer want them.

Dont let this affect the great things you are doing for yourself & the progress you are making. This aint about her, or anyone else really, its about you.

Theres good people out there, dont you worry.




Yeah I usually don't stay up this late. I just took a sleep-aid... tired of tossing and turning... those images... AHHHHH GO AWAY images!

Sleep aids aren't part of sobriety. So, find your strength w/o those.

One thing to understand is that's already happened.

In the past now. Up to you to rid those thoughts & replace them with other ones.

Just keep on the path.

I have bouts with insomnia. But I roll w/it. And rock it, regardless.

Sleep aids arent part of sobriety. So, find your strength w/o those.

One thing to understand is thats already happened.

In the past now. Up to you to rid those thoughts & replace them with other ones.

Just keep on the path.

I have bouts with insomnia. But I roll w/it. And rock it, regardless.


Was thinking of changing my number. The stupid part is I did that last September 2009, and someone from my family gave her my number. Now I'll look like the fool who constantly changes his number

If you want to change your number,that's your business-it doesn't matter what people think.

It might be a good
I've done that myself-it worked for me.


Idea.

Sleep aids arent part of sobriety. So, find your strength w/o those.

One thing to understand is thats already happened.

In the past now. Up to you to rid those thoughts & replace them with other ones.

Just keep on the path.

I have bouts with insomnia. But I roll w/it. And rock it, regardless.

Work out! Jog! I think your ex is a an alcoholic who will ptobably go home with anyone if she's had enough to drink. She needs help! YOU CAN'T give her the help she needs. She's going to have to hit rock bottom before she decides to do something. Don't get pulled back!:rolleyes:

About to change my phone number... im sick of this.

about to change my phone number...im sick of this.

Good for you! Stay Strong!

Good for you! Stay Strong!



Finally the number has changed :)

I figured it out. She was using me as a back-up in case this new flame didn't work... Now that her cover got blown, I hope she feels dumb. Now she has NO way of getting a hold of me... I stressed in the text message "please do NOT give this number out WITHOUT my permission

Finally the number has changed :)

I figured it out. She was using me as a back-up in case this new flame didnt work...Now that her cover got blown, I hope she feels dumb. Now she has NO way of getting a hold of me...I stressed in the text msg "please do NOT give this number out WITHOUT my permission

Good for you! If the Aunt wants to see you let her come to your house. Good Luck!:)

Thanks

Good for you! If the Aunt wants to see you let her come to your house. Good Luck!:)



I seem to be the laughing stock of my family... Everyone seems to find it amusing I changed my number. Their first response was "You and her must be into it again". I changed my number this past July when we broke up, then she got my number from my uncle, and then we got back together..

Maybe I shouldve just kept the same number, it really makes me look like I'm full of drama

You shouldn't worry about what everyone else thinks. Just you. This is for your own good, not there's.

To REMOVE the drama. Don't be influenced by negative crap.

Tell your uncle not to give it away this time...

You shouldnt worry about what everyone else thinks. Just you. This is for your own good, not there's.

To REMOVE the drama. Dont be influenced by negative crap.

Tell your uncle not to give it away this time....



Thank you vanheart, you always know the right way to put things. I don't know why I was worried about what they think

thank you vanheart, you always know the right way to put things. I dont know why I was worried about what they think




Tell themyou have so many women calling, you couldn't handle it. :D No really ,Tell them kindly it's none of their business.:)

Here's something from Byron Katie (thanks, Tao)

1.) There's your business
2.) There's everyone else's business. And then there's
3.) God's business. (whatever higher power you believe in)

The moral here is that only one is under you control.
The first one.

Helps me whenever Im confused, or let BS enter my head.

Heres something from Byron Katie (thanks, Tao)

1.) Theres your business
2.) Theres everyone elses business. and then theres
3.) God's business. (whatever higher power you believe in)

The moral here is that only one is under you control.
The first one.

Helps me whenever Im confused, or let BS enter my head.

Remember that! The only one you have to answer to is the good Lord:)

Answer to yourself first.
Then you will know what to believe.

Answer to yourself first.
Then you will know what to believe.

Very true.. you are the one responsible for your life. It's great when you can look in the mirror and like what you see. So many men get suckered back in by a woman and have to go through the same thing again. You're doing fine.:)

Hope you are keeping up w/the sobriety.

That's first. Getting away from another abuser, was a good move.

As changing your number.

You are doing the right things.

Seems like you aunt & uncle are into the drama. If you ex lives so close by, & they know you are hurting, then they should be supportive of you.

So, let them know that.

When I was full on NC, I didn't want to hear, see, whatever person that was connected to her & us. One night I ran into my ex's best friends.

Not sure what I said, something superficial. But it bothered me after.

Then a friend a know here, who was going through similar stuff said "People gossip for 2 seconds, then they are back to their own lives."

Im paraphrasing. But hit me. She was right. Were hurting, spiraling, going through the process & the others we are so worried about, couldn't care less.

The point is the process takes time. Controlling our thoughts & actions.

Hope you are keeping up w/the sobriety.

Thats first. Getting away from another abuser, was a good move.

As changing your number.

You are doing the right things.

Seems like you aunt & uncle are into the drama. If you ex lives so close by, & they know you are hurting, then they should be supportive of you.

So, let them know that.

When I was full on NC, I didnt want to hear, see, whatever person that was connected to her & us. One night I ran into my ex's best friends.

Not sure what I said, something superficial. But it bothered me after.

Then a friend a know here, who was going through similar stuff said "People gossip for 2 seconds, then they are back to their own lives."

Im paraphrasing. But hit me. She was right. Were hurting, spiraling, going through the process & the others we are so worried about, couldnt care less.

The point is the process takes time. Controlling our thoughts & actions.

Confused.. you hang in there!:)

Thank u both, I will hang in there. From what I've heard, she's not bothered by the number change... maybe because of this new person she's involved with... but o well, the change was for me

The change is most definitely for you-it doesn't matter whether your ex is bothered.