Story merged

Yesterday I was teasing my new girlfriend (we are in college) on the phone, very jokingly, about the fact that she didn't want to go out and wanted to stay home instead. All of a sudden she hangs up on me. I texted her asking if she hung up, she asked if I was teasing, I said that I was. In response, she texts "**** you". My response was "if you hung up on me because of that, then **** as well."

We haven't talked or texted since yesterday afternoon when that happened. I feel like we are handling this situation like two five year olds. So my question is should I contact her? I feel like she should be the one apologizing...

You are both behaving like children. Just call her and go from there

Exactly-call her and see if the both of you can have an adult conversation and sort it out.

Lol good luck man! I wouldn't waste my time if this is how she deals with problems on a regular basis.

If you two can't get passed something so small, then you two can forget about continuing the relationship.

Since you were the one who was teasing, you should give her a call. But do you really want to be with someone so easily rattled? If she hangs up on you for something like this, I can't imagine what she would do when you do something really wrong.

Hi Jake!

I agree with wish.

When someone purposely hangs up the phone, it displays a lack of maturity and patience. Someone who hangs up on you doesn't respect you.

Hope you settle your dispute over the phone issue. But ask yourself if she is the right one for you.

Could what you said be misinterpreted as being cruel? Are you sure? If not, then maybe you should consider finding a different mate.

Life is too short to have to walk on eggshells, not knowing how what you say or do is going to be misread by someone waiting to pounce on you because they may have a lack of self confidence.

I dated a girl like that one time, and it was he11 on earth. It's just not worth the effort. It's not worth compromising yourself just to keep the peace. If you apologize for something that you really didn't do, then you will do it time and time again.


She is either very sensitive, or you really DID hurt her feelings. Find out which one is true.

Seeing as she is only a new GF , if she can't take a bit of joke I'd be making her an old GF.

Thanks for the responses, took the advise and called her today, got it sorted out. She apologized, I apologized too. Also made it clear to her that I am not going to deal with stuff like that in the future. She did not feel like I joked overboard, she just said she overreacted for no reason and also said it's that time of month for her. Anyway, we'll see how things run from here. Again, I appreciate the advise.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

Threads merged

So me and this girl have been dating for about 3 months now and I always pay for her no matter if its just a casual lunch, a dinner or a date. She never even offers to pay. What should I do? I am pretty tired of paying for her all the time and especially of the fact that she may be just using me. If she at least offered to pay, I would probably decline it most of the time, but she does not.

You're pretty quick to stop pampering her!

The first couple of months is the honeymoon phase. She's probably still in it.. You, apparently aren't.

If it upsets you so much, then talk to her about it. Be nice about it.

I hardly ever pay for dinners and me and my boyfriend have been together for close to 4 years. I think I've offered to buy a small handful of meals.

But like I said, if it bothers you so much... Say something. If you don't tell her what upsets you, she'll never correct herself and the problem will only continue making you upset.

The worst thing to do in a new relationship, is to not talk and get to know each other. Unless you do, you will start building up resentments that will just build up and explode at the wrong time.

Its so simple, Can you pay for my happy meal? I am broke!

Can you treat me to lobster dinner at Che'de Croissant? I am broke.

It's a general rule that the one who invites, pays. I think its tacky to invite someone to dinner, even at McDonald's, and NOT want to pay for you both.

OR,

I am hungry, and broke, and can only pay for one meal, want to join me?

All the above approaches will get responses that are quite revealing, and a lot better than guessing, assuming, and wondering.

OR,

Why do you never treat me to dinner? Are you just cheap, old fashioned or what? (You might want to clean that up), but the point is, to communicate! What is she a mind reader or something??

So yesterday my girlfriend of 5 months asked for a break and said we may have dragged on this relationship forcefully a bit long. She is away for the summer, so I have not been seeing her. I did not see the purpose of a break, so I told her, lets just break up then. I may have overreacted there. She said, "I wanted a break, but if you want to break up, thats your decision." According to her, the main reason for this was because she felt like I drink too much, which I do socially once a week or two weeks. When I do however, I get pretty hammered. But I am 22 in college, so I like to have fun sometimes and it never interfered with my relationship with her, so I don't know why it bothers her.
We still talked yesterday and I don't want to lose her, especially when she comes back to town in the fall, I want to be back with her. What should I do? Should I stop talking to her for a while and give her time? Was it the wrong decision for me to say to break up?

Well, I don't personally believe in "breaks", why would you want a "break" with someone you love or care about. I think you made the right decision to break up with her. But, do you know if your girlfriend potentially had an ex-boyfriend who drank heavily and perhaps maybe hit her, beat her, etc... and she wants to avoid that possibility at all costs. I'm not implying you would do that, it could be a possibility in her head.

She didn't, all her previous bfs were goodie goodie. Also to add on, she keeps texting me. One side of me wants to call her and tell her that we made a mistake yesterday and maybe both overreacted. Other side thinks I should tell her we shouldn't talk for a while...

She wanted a break, so give her one. She is away for the summer, so things will cool off naturally anyway. There is no point in discussing getting back together now. When she'll be back, you will decide then if it's worth salvaging. You may feel different about the whole thing in a couple months.

If she wants a break then you should let her have one. But don't keep in contact with her, a break is a break. No texting, no phone calls , nothing.

A break is a breakup but with drama/prolonged pain. You know that's why you told her if she wanted a break then lets break up.

She probably didn't expect you to break up with her and now she's worrying she has really lost you.

I would talk with her about what she actually wants because she told you she wanted a break but she texting you. Just ask her.

What is she texting about?

I have to admit, I think your right by making her break, a break up. They are the same thing in my book too.

Texting is not the proper way to communicate, and work through things, and they are easy, and cheap. Anything to be discussed should be by phone, or nothing because you are broken up, and I suspect she was caught off guard by your reaction, and is trying to keep herself on your mind from a distance.

That's why I asked what she was texting about, and if you have been responding.

Yes, I do respond to her text messages, but infrequently. Last one I hadn't responded to for about 7 hours already simply because I am thinking I should maybe give her time, as she had wanted a break earlier.

The text messages went like this. At first when I replied to her that we should break up, she started being very negative, criticizing me for things. I told her I do not want to fight and if she feels this way, maybe what happened is for the best. Later in the night, she started talking more jokingly about just random positive things in our relationship, she said our anniversary was going to be tomorrow. So we just joked around a little and such. Today in the morning, she texted hello, but we only exchanged a few texts today, just casual, normal talk. Nothing about the breakup. I am guessing since I had not responded to last text, she will probably not be texting again. Should I give her a few days or something to think about stuff before talking to her again?

also I might add, we will be working together when she is back in town after the summer, so we will not be eliminating each other from one another's life regardless. I don't think I'd have any issues working with her either way though. I just want to do my best right now so we can get back together after the summer, it is so difficult to sort any issues over distance. We would always have occasional fights, but it has been so difficult to sort them about at a distance.

She wanted a break so give it to her , if she wants to play games let her play by herself by not answering her texts.

She'll soon get the idea that your not her little puppy waiting in the wings at her beckoned call , then it's her call and you have the power to decide whether you'll take her back.

I would stop talking to her, she's told you she wants a break. So you have broken up with her. Nothing is getting fixed.

If she wants you bad enough she will actually try to fix problems but she's just causing drama. Go NC with her.

Well, I was ignoring her but now she is texting again, saying she found a ring I gave her. Ugh, why is this so difficult. I suspect when she was asking for the break, she did not actually want one, she probably wanted to make me beg and tell her I love her , etc. Oh well, I'll just stick to ignoring her I guess.

What is it that makes a guy so wishy washy? You act like you are afraid to express your true feelings, and take the right actions, and make decisions for yourself. Why make this some kind of head game, that gets blown all out of proportion.

That's not being honest at all. Neither is indulging in all this small talk chit chat.

Ask her quite simply why does she need a break instead of solving your problems? No way do you have a break, or break up, and keep talking nonsense to each other. Ask the question, and listen without the sappy stuff, and dumb questions. What, are you going to play text tag all summer??

Relationships require consistency a partner can count on, as well as open lines of communications, with no games, or nonsense. Maybe she was just scared of the distance for the summer, and needs reassurances, who knows, but you never get the facts, unless you ask for them, and end this limbo.

I don't understand why you are even responding to any of her texts!!

I think you need to decide if you want a mature relationship with someone willing to build one with you or if you want to continue the childish relationship games. I think both of you need different partners. There is just too much baggage stored in this relationship and I get the impression it isn't being unpacked.

IF you 'stay' together after this Summer Break (and I use the term in the educational system meaning), I think you both need to sit down and discuss the issues in the relationship before getting back together. Make certain you are both on the same page and expecting the same things out of the relationship.

IF you don't, take time to learn how to discuss concerns and issues with another person BEFORE you get into another relationship. (Yes, that advice goes for her, too.)

By the way, when she asked for the break, she may have wanted reassurance that a long distance relationship over the Summer could survive.

I agree with both answers, I did indeed get very troubled and all my confidence went away as soon as she sent that last text. It was rather weak of me. I did not expect her to text after I ignored her.

This is what I am going to do. I will call her tonight and discuss things with her. Why she wanted a break rather than working things out. I will tell her that there is no reason to be together right now since indeed there are some issues that we have on both sides, which have accumulated over the course of the summer and if we got back together right now, nothing would be fixed. Meanwhile, we can think about things during the summer and later decide if its worth continuing.
If she takes it as I expect, I do not think it would be a bad thing to talk to each other sometimes during the summer just as friends. As a general rule, I have so far in my relationships not been forced to entirely cross out people from my life, even my who lied in the past.

I agree with both answers, I did indeed get very troubled and all my confidence went away as soon as she sent that last text. It was rather weak of me. I did not expect her to text after I ignored her.

This is what I am going to do. I will call her tonight and discuss things with her. Why she wanted a break rather than working things out. I will tell her that there is no reason to be together right now since indeed there are some issues that we have on both sides, which have accumulated over the course of the summer and if we got back together right now, nothing would be fixed. Meanwhile, we can think about things during the summer and later decide if its worth continuing.
If she takes it as I expect, I do not think it would be a bad thing to talk to each other sometimes during the summer just as friends. As a general rule, I have so far in my relationships not been forced to entirely cross out people from my life, even my who lied in the past.

If you can handle the conversation the way you explained your thoughts here, I think you may be able to establish a good foundation for a discussion of issues when you can sit down and talk to each other face-to-face.

When you do talk to her, try not to allow emotions to over-whelm logic. Try not to project your feelings into her words. If she says something you are not sure about, ask her to clarify what she means. It can take a couple of tries sometimes to find the words with the right meanings.

IF she is still upset and doesn't want to talk, let it go. Some people take longer than others to calm down and you already know you will be seeing her after the Summer.

I am going to suggest that you think about how much alcohol you drink. I live in a college town so I know how easy it is for college 'kids' to lose track or get caught up in the 'games'. Think about it not because she said it upset her, but as a part of self-maintenance.

Good luck.

So I just talked to her over the phone.
First of all, from what I now discover, she says she is not so much concerned about me drinking specifically as much as she is about me purposely putting myself into dangerous situations, which sometimes derive from drinking and other times they do not. She says she gets very worried and she does not want to be worried all the time. Never seems to me like she worries about anything, but I guess I'll take her word for it.
Secondly, to the answer as to why she wanted a break instead of breaking up, she said she wanted to think whether she would be able to handle these behaviors of mine because she did not think I would change them.
Thirdly, I asked her why is she talking to me now if she wanted a break then. To that she said that she missed me. She said that when she asked for a break, she wanted me to ask her to work out the problems , etc.

Conclusion: We both agreed that nothing is going to get fixed over the summer, so when she is back in the fall, we can talk about things in person and decide if we want to keep going. She insisted that this should be called a break rather than a break up, mainly because she did not want me to go out with other girls and such. I did not comment on that, even though I am pretty sure people on breaks are also allowed to date other people. I told her we are just friends right now.
I am not holding out for anything at this point, just going to have to see what happens in the fall.

So what happens during the long hot summer?

Well, its 2 options at this point for summer and I think we are both going to decide on one of them today.
1. Hold out the summer, possibly put ourselves through some stress, but possibly resolve the problems in a couple months.
2. Decide that we are not getting back together again. We would still talk to each other, especially so things don't become uncomfortable at work.

Waiting out the summer sounded like a great option at first, but it may be more of a burden than I had anticipated. I will attempt to see if we can drive half way and meet somewhere today if she isn't working and talk face to face. If that does not work out, option 2 is the only route. I don't think either of us can hold out stressed not knowing what will follow the summer.

There will be no waiting an wondering all summer in my view, as a break up means your both free to explore opportunities.

If you are still going to stay in contact, then you are still together "working on it". This site may help,
Handle This: Seven Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

But no way do you take a break to solve problems. Cool off maybe, for a specified time, (short) but if this is a break up, Strict NO Contact is recommended, and you both do your things, but if your working on it use the phone, not a text. Either you communicate, or you don't, but game playing is the worse way to solve a problem that there is. Her feelings of worrying about you, and her wanting you to change your habits, without changing the way she communicates, is not a healthy compromise, and does nothing to help either of you.


She said that when she asked for a break, she wanted me to ask her to work out the problems , etc.
She assumed and presumed and could have just as easily voiced her concerns. Then you could do the work together. You better let her know NOW, that an honest more direct approach is what she needs with you since you can't read minds, or know her feelings unless she does. Then maybe this can be worked out.

If not, good luck with that friends thing, and working together.

Just to be clear NO Contact is for healing, so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

In my mind she is trying to manipulate your reaction to her advantage so you make the changes she wants, so its good you called her on it, but you better talk and not just chit-chat about the weather.

Well, just as an update, basically she never responded to my text that day and its been around a week since we talked last. I haven't tried getting back in touch with her, although I may give her a call in a few days and maybe see how she is doing. I'd like to remain on good terms since we will have to work together in the fall and we have many mutual friends. Nevertheless, thank you for all the help, this would have been a lot messier had I not gotten some advice.

Sounds more like she wants to keep you around as a backup plan. She wants to figure things out for herself. If she realizes that she's better off without you, then she will let you go completely. If she realizes that she wants you back, then she can just come back to you.

Is that really what you want? Do you really want to be on the sidelines waiting for her to call you out?

If you're willing to wait it out, then leave each other alone until she contacts you. If she wanted to talk to you, she will get in touch with you. Talking to her won't make much of a difference at this point. You're conversations with her are just going in circles.

Once you're in person, then you can move forward from there.

Enjoy doing your own thing this summer and don't be distracted by any drama that is ain't fun. Plenty of time to party before work starts again, so why waste it on someone who has other priorities than you.