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And probably won't find anyone like her or as good as her. I won't even bother going into the details of why my 5 year relationship ended because they are irrelevant at this point. There is a 99.999% chance that reconciliation will never happen. I have been pretty much cut out of her life too. Some of my actions (none of which were cheating) are what led to the end of the relationship and now I feel nothing but guilt and remorse.

I wake up empty and sad every morning. She is in my head every minute of the day and I can't focus on work or anything else. I've become a robot. On the weekends I go out with friends and numb the pain and it takes my mind off her temporarily, then during the week I'm just a numb robot who goes through the motions waiting until he go out with his friends again and get hammered.

I feel like I let my soul mate get away. I'm terrified that I will never find someone who I will feel that way about, someone who I feel so comfortable around, who is my best friend in the world. Someone who loves me with all their heart and wants the best for me. Someone who I get that warm feeling of love every time I see them. Someone who I can be myself around and tell anything to. I just don't see how she can be replaced.

I feel like I can't even continue living knowing that she is probably gone for good and won't be coming back. I ruined the best thing my life and now I live with that guilt every single day. I cry like a baby at least once a day. It's already been over a month since the breakup and the pain just keeps intensifying, not subsiding. What am I supposed to do? I feel like the world is caving in on me. I'm so lost, I'm so sad, I am mentally drained, and I have no hope for the future. Someone telling me its going to get better isn't really going to help. I just don't know if anyone feels the way I do, like this was the best thing you were ever going to have and you screwed it up. You only get it once and you lost it so you will never find it again. That's how I feel. How do I carry on with this pain?

You need to find more things to do except go out and get hammered when your mates are available.

You'll get over a breakup by staying active and doing things that make you feel better.

Remorse and guilt make lousy companions.
Be around people who lift your spirits, and I don't mean the kind that comes out of a bottle.

And you may not believe me but eventually you will meet someone else,when you're ready.

We've ALL felt this way before. It may not seem like it now, but while you are feeling sad and upset about losing her, you are more afraid of facing the world without her. You have grown so accustomed to having her beside you, it's all you know now. Everyone fears uncertainty when you are first faced with it, but it gives you a great chance to build with it. Pick today to be your fresh start, I'm not going to tell you things will get better quickly or that tomorrow you will wake up feelings better but in time, the pain subsides and then one morning you wake up and the emptiness is gone. Here is a great quote I used after my break up

"I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are... and that pain you feel, it's life. The confusion and fear, that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better... and that something is worth fighting for."

This phase is where your heart is broken, your soul is worn out.

The way to carry on this pain is to bring this pain along for you, and it will be less and less over time. It is hard to picture yourself being a free and happy bird by the moment, but trust me, the answers are all in the experiences that the people on this sight, including me have been through.

We had our hearts broken, over and over again, and here we are to let you know that we share what u feel.

She will never be replaced because everyone is a unique individual. In the future is where the memories of a better person will be waiting for you.

Take a little step each time, and move on as it goes.

It's hard because I really don't know what life is without her. The last 5 years she pretty much was my life. I feel like half of me has died.

Then you have to start building a new life.
We've all here had to do this at some stage in our lives,
So we know it can,no has to be done.
Start today by doing something completely new.

I don't understand. Why is the relationship unrepairable? What were the problems in the first place? Why don't you talk more about the background. What you are feeling is very typical, I am on the same timeline, just out of a five year relationship about a month, maybe less ago, I am where you are, so please do not feel alone.

It's a loss greater than any other emotion, but everyone has been where you are. It's overwhelming. You may benefit from just still talking about it.

Its unrepairable because she no longer trusts me. Many times I struggled to be honest with her and tell her how I felt about things. I kept things inside. I bottled things up. We started fighting a lot. She kept giving me chance after chance and I would blow it. I think she's through given me chances. Other times when we fought she said she didn't want to see or talk to me anymore... she'd be calling a week later. This time she told me to get out of her life and now its been one month and no contact.

Well no contact is the healthiest thing she can do for her.

If you are emotionally unavailable, you are damaging the relationship yourself and it's not something that you can easily change about yourself. It sounds as though, she gave you all the patience that she had.

Until you learn to feel and handle emotions, you can not grow as a person. This break may be the best thing for the both of you, you can learn about yourself and grow through the grieving process (BY NOT DRINKING AND AVOIDING) and learn how to better function in your next relationship and you allow her to find someone who is emotionally available to her.

Start with the stickies at the top of the forum... we have all been through this and it's a horrible experience. Yet, by experiencing this process, we learn about ourselves, learn to love ourselves again and grow as people.

Right now this is all just words. You are having a difficult moment, but you will have better ones. Your feelings are all across the board right now.

L feel your pain as lm in the same place. Lts been 7 weeks for me and each day becomes harder. L wake during the night missing him. L keep busy but nothing helps. You aren't alone. L don't think l can bear this pain a day longer!

Hi Apple Scruff,
I lost my soul mate, too, because my capacity for dealing with the hurt he caused me ran out, and I had to leave. It's excruciating. I still love him with my entire being, and I love him unconditionally, but he can't stop making insensitive mistakes and hurting me. I keep thinking that maybe with enough time apart, we can come together again someday and things will be different, he'll have learned to appreciate me for the unconditional love I showed him, the happiness I worked at building with him, the light I tried to shine in his life, the unbreakable loyalty I gave him, and more. I don't hold any of his mistakes against him - I love him. But I can't be with him anymore because I have to look after myself. Any contact with him leads to more hurt for me, because inevitably he does something insensitive and I end up feeling like I've been treated like garbage.
I wish for him the same things I wish for you: to crack wide open, and it seems like you are now, and to allow the process of cracking wide open, so that you can expand your heart and have more to offer - more self-awareness, more love, more care, more truth, more courage, more self-love.
Sometimes, you need to grow on your own, and the only way to grow is to crack. Everything you're saying, all of the remorse and regret are good things for you to feel right now, because they will help you grow. They aren't wrong or bad. You can't just move on without going through the pain, and even the idea of 'moving on' is a false one when you're doing the important work that is in front of you right now. You have to move through, not move on, not bypass or forget. You are worth being loved, unconditionally, even if you have made a million mistakes. And, I bet that you are. It's just that you have to sit in your pain right now, assess who you are and where you went wrong, and be prepared to carry that awareness with you into each day that comes. The love you feel will not leave you, because it is in you and it is you. Honour it, even in the face of your loss. Cry about it. Drink when you need to drink to relieve the heaviness sometimes, but don't let it become a habitual escape. Temporary escape is OK sometimes. There are lots of other kinds of escape, too, like renting an entire TV series and watching them obsessively for a while, spoiling yourself with whatever expensive foods you might like that will make your life easier, like big frozen pizzas and bacon-wrapped scallops (or whatever is a treat to you), go on dates with friends - just little dates like coffee dates and lunch dates, and keep writing about it and reaching out.
You can't go wrong here, now. You're going to do just fine. If you stumble and make more mistakes, just get up and dust yourself off.

Your heart hurts because you're growing and stretching and becoming more of yourself. It's only going to mean good things. Trust your process. You don't have to let her go forever - none of us knows what two years down the road might look like - but focus on you instead right now. You owe this to yourself and to anyone else you might want to love properly.

Dude, don't worry! There is no soul mates! There is plenty of fish in the sea and you will find a much better catch. You guys broke up for a reason. No girls are going to want to date you if you don't get out of your robot phase and you will be single forever or you will attract a gal that is even more depressed than u. Remember its your life! And it can only get better if you make it better. You can't order a better life off some kind of life menu. If you could, I am sure they would be sold out by now anyway.

I know how you feel man. That horrible tense pain in the pit of your stomach. All the muscles are tight and won't relax. It messes with your life, your eating, everything.

I went to see the nurse about it. Apparently post break up stress/anxiety is normal but when it starts to manifest itself physically then you really need to sort it out.

Its been getting better. Putting weight back on now. Trust me, I know these are only words, but it does get better.

Each day gets brighter, each bird sings louder, the grass really will get greener. All you can do is trust me on this one.

Best of luck

Its been a month since I posted my original question... and let me tell you... while I still have my bad days, it has gotten much much better. I haven't reached it yet, but I can see light at the end of the tunnel, its far away, but I will get there in due time. Thanks for all the support.

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I've been out of the dating game for 5 years now. I went through a painful breakup a few months ago. We were together almost 5 years. I thought my life was over and I'd never feel happy again. Recently this girl started working at my gym as a personal trainer, and she also works at the front desk. I was immediately interested in her. Every time I saw her, it made me happy and gave me hope that eventually I'd get over the hurt of my failed relationship. I see this woman 4 days a week. I feel like I'm in love with her. I know that sound ridiculous, I guess at this point, it is just infatuation, but I feel like if I got to know this person better, I could fall in love with her. I never thought I'd feel this way this soon after a serious breakup but I can't help it. I can't control what my heart feels.

I'd like to think she has noticed me too. I think she has glanced at me numerous times, but of course, I can't be 100% sure. One time I walked by her and I did something I never usually do with girls, I looked at her and made eye contact and put a huge smile on my face, she reciprocated with a nice smile of her own. But again, that might not mean anything. To begin with, I'm horrible at picking up on signs that a girl is interested so there is really know way I can tell if she is interested.

I don't go to the gym to pick up girls, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about this one. I always thought the gym was a strange place to pick up girls, so that is why I am struggling with how I can get this girl's attention and eventually ask her if she'd like to go out for a drink or for dinner. I haven't really dated in 5 years so I am a little rusty when it comes to this stuff. Also, I am terrified of rejection, especially in this case, since I see her 4 days out of the week, it has potential to be awkward. But I know I will forever regret it if I don't at least take a risk and approach her and ask her out. I just wish I knew if she had a BF or if she was interested in me, it would make thing a lot easier.

Any advice anyone could give me on how to proceed?

Good to know you are feeling so much better!
Keep us updated.
Take care.

Glad to read that things are smoothing out for you. Sounds like you're going to be just fine. Good luck!

Make sure she is not the rebound, or you could put her through a devastating break up too. I suggest giving yourself more time. Remember that love is respect, commitment, etc. It is not feelings, it is a choice you make. If you feel like you love this girl based on romantic feelings for her, you do not truly love her. Love is willingness to die for someone. That may sound intense, but it is true.

You say that you can't control what your heart feels, but you must remember that our feelings are very deceptive. Acting on feelings, and not on common sense, could leave you in ruins. I advise you to make sure she is not a rebound. If you have ANY doubts, do not pursue a relationship with her. Keep things at friendship level.
If you do decide to ask her out, all you have to do is that... Ask her if she wants to go out. It doesn't take a formula written on a chalkboard. It's as simple as saying a sentence.

It might be crazy but I don't see her as a rebound. I look at this girl and I think I could marry her, seriously. Who says its wrong to feel things like this shortly after a break up? I can't help it, but deep down, I know that I don't view this as a rebound. If she gave me a shot, I would never hurt her.

You might want to start talking to a professional, Priest, rabbi name your poison. Learn to grow. The pain will lessen, time heals all wounds, cliché I know but it is the best I can come up with now.

I don't think you are over your ex quite yet,even though you might think so-as you have found someone to focus your hurt emotions on.

Take your time healing before trying to jump into a new relationship.

If you have an opportunity to speak directly to her, without a crowd of people around, then just simply ask her if she'd like to go for coffee sometime.

If she says yes, then leave it a while, and maybe a few days or a week later, as her when she'd be free for coffee. If you get excuses all over the place, she's not interested. If she says, "well, I'm off Friday", then take it from there.

By keeping it simple, not pushing or asking too much (it's only a cup of coffee and some conversation), and give her time to think about it, what could be the harm.

Only then will you probably get a realistic opinion of what she is like as a person. Your impressions could be totally wrong, or you could be right on the money.

You won't know until you try.

For her sake, please give yourself more time to heal from the breakup. The last thing you would want is to start a relationship thinking she is not the rebound, and learning later on that she is.
If you were to marry her at this point, think about it, you may as well plan for a divorce- you don't even know this girl.
Start thinking with your HEAD, not your emotions.

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I'm very attracted to and interested in this particular girl that I see 4 days a week. She works at this place I go to every day after work. We've chatted a few times and she is very friendly towards me. I'm shy around attractive women so I haven't gotten the courage to ask her out. Well I was out with friends this weekend and low and behold I saw her at this bar we went to. We chatted for a bit and then when there was a brief moment of silence, I just went into panic mode and completely walked away to go find my friends. I didn't even say bye to her or tell her that I was going to find my friends. I just walked away and I feel like a douche for doing it. I stood with my friends for a while and I really wanted to go talk to her but I was too nervous. I eventually said screw it and went to look for her to talk to her, but she was gone and I didn't see her again for the rest of the night. Did I blow it or can I still salvage this? I am going to see her today and I was hoping that even though I kind of blew her off and ignored her after our brief chat, I can still talk to her about that night and ask how her night went, etc. Hopefully she doesn't think I'm some inconsiderate jerk. What should I say to her when I see her today? I really don't want to make this awkward.

Tell her everything you told us, but leave out the douche and inconsiderate jerk part. It's worth a shot.

When in doubt, be honest, it usually works.

Look, I get the bit about you feeling awkward, but try and see that she's a human being like you are. Why does her being 'attractive' make her any more difficult to relate to? She's a person, just like you.

I'd suggest you keep it light when you see her but apologize for walking off without saying goodbye. Tell her that you sometimes feel shy and that it makes you behave like an idiot - but that's just one of your better qualities!

Try not to take it all so seriously - if you lighten up on yourself, you'll lighten up with her.

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Can a woman be interested in you and yet not make it obvious? If they are not making it obvious does it mean they aren't interested? The woman I like is very receptive and friendly towards me, and I think I've picked up maybe some signals of interest, but I'm not 100 percent sure. Are there women out there who even if they want a guy to ask them out, won't make it obvious and give off tons of signs? I just fear rejection so I wish I would get clearer signs. And girls, when a guy asks you out and you reject him for whatever reason, do you view that guy as some kind of creep? I see this person regularly so I wouldn't want them to view me in a negative light if they did end up shooting me down. I'm a really nice guy and my intentions are good. And do you think I should just go for it and ask this girl out? I mean, we've talked a few times but we really don't know each other that well. But we always make eye contact and smile and greet each other every time we see each other. I'm just not detecting obvious signs of interest, and maybe she's giving them and I just don't know. Fear of rejection is the only thing preventing me from asking, I would have done it weeks ago.

I understand you fear rejection but in life things don't always go as one plans. Women are all different, some aren't the type to show their emotions and some are. It depends on the person. Also we don't think guys are creeps unless they act like creeps even after they get rejected. But I can say about 85% of girls prefer for the guy to ask her out so if she's ready she'll give you the right signals and you'll know the time to ask her. You also stated that you guys don't know each other well. Maybe you should confront her, invite her to the movies or something just to hang out and get to know her more. If you do it in a apolite and respectful manner I don't think you'll get rejected to hang out. But definitely Don't RUSH THINGSS! Meet her and hang out a few times and then when she gives more obvious signs see what happens.

Girls fear rejection just as much as guys. Making their interest known and either having it ignored or being rejected, hurts.

What a girl sees as an obvious show of interest, might ne be picked up by the guy. Even if he does pick it up, humans are masters at thinking themselves out of situations. He could very well convince himself that he's imagining things.

As long as you go about it the right way, she shouldn't think you're a creep for asking her out. Most of the time, it's just flattering. If you try to press the subject, or make a big deal out of it, after she rejects you, then she'll probably think you're a creep.

Just ask her out to lunch or coffee or something else casual. Don't go in with expectations of a huge date. Just go somewhere casual where you can talk and get to know each other.

I would say, go get some courrage and ask her out on a date.

There's no way to read her mind. But you can always ask her directly. By asking her out, you will find out her interest level. There's no guarantee that she will be your next girlfriend, but at least you will know whether she's interested in getting to you know better.

The other choice is to keep hanging around and waiting to see what's new. The problem with that is, there might be nothing. So you could spend a long sitting in your room constantly wondering and putting your life on hold.

The worst that can happen is that she's not interested in getting to know you better, but you wouldn't have to sit around wondering anymore. At least you will be able to move on and find someone else.

I wish, you couldn't be more correct. I have had this crush for months now and the furthest I've gotten with this girl is a few conversations here and there and a lot of eye contact and smiling. We greet each other every time we see each other. I see her multiple times a week. I always smile at her and she always smiles back, calls me by my name, always says hi when she sees me. I just fear rejection so much that I can't bring myself to ask her out, and plus, I have no clue what to even say to her. Do I just go up to her and flat out ask her to dinner or out for a drink or something? I'm clueless. I do know, however, that if I don't bring myself to do it, and never do it, I will always wonder what if. Like you said, I have to at least try and if nothing is there, I can move on knowing that at least I asked and won't have any regret about it.

Start by making small talk. If she seems willing to talk to you for a couple minutes, then ask her if she'd like to grab coffee or go to lunch.

Starting with something less date-like will be easier for both of you. She'll be more likely to agree, it'll be easier for you to ask, and you'll have the chance to talk in a laid-back setting with no expectations.

Afternoon dates are, by their very nature, more casual than evening dates. Neither party has to worry about that awkward 'do I invite him in?' 'should I kiss her?' moment that happens at the end of the night. You finish your coffee or lunch then go back to work or whatever you have planned for the rest of the day.

Since you've already had a few conversations, the ice is broken. Why not start by getting her contact information? Then when you get in touch with her, you can ask her out.

There are a few obvious things going on here guy, that's obvious after your posts were merged. You are obviously still hurting from your break up of a long term relationship, and have become fixated by a friendly female.

The part you fail to see is your trying to replace what you had, before you have rebuilt your own confidence back. Like trying to run full speed, the day after you remove a cast from a broken leg. This is what your own fear of rejection is trying to tell you. Its to soon to fixate on one female at this time. Sure she is attractive, but you aren't ready to do anything, but be a friend to any one you meet, and notions of love, and romance are just out of reach, but not out of mind. Oh Yes, she would definitely a rebound, and you are definitely obsessing over her. You are carried away by your own hurt.

Stop and think, besides being at the gym 4 times a week to see her, what else are you doing to rebuild a life that you enjoy without the ex? Do you have family and friends, that do anything besides drink, and hang in the bars. Time to be honest guy, so you can be happy with yourself, by healing the right way, and not just spinning your wheels for months, trying to get a date you aren't ready for.

Without a goal in life you have no purpose to face tomorrow. You lost her, she is gone, I know its hard but you can do it. Set goals in your life, what do you see yourself becoming in 5 years, are you just going to watch life goes by or are you going to live life. Again without goals you have nothing to look forward to. You lost her, now you can do things you want to do, become successful and find away to do it. Its going to be hard but it will get better each day.

I don't think anyone on this forum will say they haven't been through this kind of pain... everybody has an "even I know what you feel" story.The crux of the matter is that a bad thing happened to you(for whatever reason,here you say its all because of you,who knows it may not have been,who knows it may be),but the point is,the bad thing has happened and there is no way back,so you need to put your entire life's focus on moving ahead.Grieve,cry,express your anger but know this:It may have been the best thing,but it surely wasn't the best you have seen in your life,because you haven't led the rest of your life yet... allow yourself time and in this time learn what's good,what's bad about yourself,think of ways of growing and improving,of calming and healing.Trust me,its possible to cross that bridge of despair and reach hope and peace once again.How?You just find the way,you grope,you grovel,you trip,fall,but its human to get up again and live.One day,not very far off,you would have reached a stage where you can say,you learnt and grew through this pain and you have understood what's good for you.Before you begin this journey though,tell yourself,its going to be hard,tedious and extremely exhausting but never give up hope.Keep going.And one day you'll reach that safe and serene place that I know you will.

I don't think anyone on this forum will say they haven't been through this kind of pain... everybody has an "even I know what you feel" story.The crux of the matter is that a bad thing happened to you(for whatever reason,here you say its all because of you,who knows it may not have been,who knows it may be),but the point is,the bad thing has happened and there is no way back,so you need to put your entire life's focus on moving ahead.Grieve,cry,express your anger but know this:It may have been the best thing,but it surely wasn't the best you have seen in your life,because you haven't led the rest of your life yet... allow yourself time and in this time learn what's good,what's bad about yourself,think of ways of growing and improving,of calming and healing.Trust me,its possible to cross that bridge of despair and reach hope and peace once again.How?You just find the way,you grope,you grovel,you trip,fall,but its human to get up again and live.One day,not very far off,you would have reached a stage where you can say,you learnt and grew through this pain and you have understood what's good for you.Before you begin this journey though,tell yourself,its going to be hard,tedious and extremely exhausting but never give up hope.Keep going.And one day you'll reach that safe and serene place that you are looking for.All the best.

talaniman, I couldn't disagree with you more. I initially posted this thread in January, and you think I'm not healed 4 months later? Well, let me tell you something, I am healed and I do think I'm ready to get out there and date! There is no specific amount of time that it takes for someone to heal.

If you have a fear of rejection my friend, then you are not ready to date, because how you deal with that fear of rejection, is what its all about. Gather up some courage and ask the girl for coffee and get to know here and let her get to know more about you.

I can tell you that waiting for months kills the interest, makes her think you're not interested, and maybe allows a more aggressive male to move in.

So what if she rejects you, there are more fish in the sea. And giving into your fear of rejection has kept you wondering, instead of acting. And that makes the rejection even worse than it has to be and much harder to get over it, when you have already been scared for so long.

Get some courage and go for it!

Hey tal, I've had fear of rejection my whole life, even before I met my last ex, so its more of an anxiety thing. I feared rejection with my previous ex, but I still got the courage to talk to her and we ended up being together for 5 years!

And I just posed a question in the dating forum, I did ask this girl out and she said yes, but of course, I have a few doubts about it.