Hi I am posting this question because I don't know what else to do. I have been in this relationship for over 13 months now and I am more confused by the day. We haven't had sex now in almost 9 months. Masturbation is getting boring and I won't stoop to cheating on him its not my style at all.
I will admit a lot of drama has gone down in the last 6 months or so but he has a way of twisting things around so that it is always my fault. He refers to sex as being the frosting on the cake and claims until our relationship is back on tract and he is able to trust me again with his feelings that he won't have sex with him. He continually asks me not to push him. If I try to kiss, hug, or show any kind of indication that I want to have sex with him he simply moves farther away from giving it to me. IS IT ME. I am an attractive woman who gets asked out my many people on a weekly basis. I don't want another man, I want this one. I love him very much. It seems like everyone that I talk to has the same answer dump his and move on he don't love you, or he is using you. Well using me for what? I don't understand.
He tells me he loves me or should I say he replys to my I love you more often than just offering a simple I love you on his own. He says he is simple in fact so simple that he is complicated. I have caught him in many, many lies in the past and I think he is now unable to trust that I trust him. Actually I'm not sure I do.
He hasn't slept here since March and this is now November. I am frustrated, annoyed, aggravated and feel semi insecure due to his actions. However I am an independent woman and able to stand on my own two feet at all times.
He lives with his parents at the age of 41 (why)? His mother seems to be the only person he will confide in with anything and to a point I can talk to her about things and she seems to keep our conversations in confidence.
He makes no effort to visit me other than maybe one day on the weekend but sometimes will go over two weeks without seeing me and seems to be unaffected by that even though he knows it drives me insaine. But he calls me at least 6 times a day without fail. I usually have to lead the conversations but I try to talk about everything and anything except my emotions and feelings because all it does is aggravate him more and push him farther.
He has asked me on several occasions not to push him, but its hard not to feel what I feel. He also says just because that's what I want him to do does not mean that he will and makes me very informed that he will move at his pace and not mine. He tells me if I want to walk then that's what I should do. But he knows I won't. OMG... what the hell do I friggin do HELP!! :mad:

WOW! Lots of red flags. Lives with parents?

No sex.

You know the answer... shut him off... new boy friend time. This is easy.

MMMM interesting. Not sure where to start actually.

Can I ask firstly why doesn't he trust you? What happened?

No boyfriend time... jesus there isn't hardly any now. I know why he lives with his parents but he has been given the opportunity to live here several times and won't take it. I am like nuts over this whole thing. It makes me not sleep at night.
I try to make myself as unavaliable to him as possible but he gets annoyed if he can't find me. Oh well I say. But still I am in love with this guy and my emotions make it hard. There are many many good times.. but why won't he hug me or even look me in the eye. If I ask he says STOP and here we go again with what he offers is never good enough and I always want more..

Why doesn't he trust you?

I think wildcat meant NEW boyfriend time

KRS... I never lied to him. He lies to me... his actions have caused my reactions I simply make him aware of my feelings and he don't like it. He says all I do is push... not true I want sex isn't that part of a relationship too... As to what happened, I talked to someone whom I didn't know hated him and she filled me in on a lot of his past and he got pissed that I did that. He says I should have told her to F**k off like he would have done and walked away and not listened to it. Then I got pissed and took all his crap out of my house and left it at his work for him to pick up... again he throws this in my face.. But I am so frustrated and at that point I had had enough...

"but why wont he hug me or even look me in the eye"

"He lies to me"

Please move on - it will be good for both of you.

Find a guy who is independent and you can have REAL intemacy with - this is not a relationship - it's not even a friendship.

I can sense your frustration.
Your boyfriend has serious issues girl. He need to pop a few chill pills, jesus! Besides he should forget it, while he isn't.

My advice would to tell him, you want a break. So it gives him time to sort his head out!

He says its hard to put behind him that I put his stuff to the curb sort of speaking. He seems to never be able to drop a subject. He won't even let me talk about having any kind of quality time... it only starts an argument about the same topic all the time. I have dumped out all my feelings at one point or another and he is receptive to them. He tells me he loves me but I am being selfish in being aggravated in not getting what I want. He says what about what he wants. He said our relationship is tight and strong enough and this will pass... but how much time to I waste? Do I wake up in a year and still be in the same bed... wow that's to long without sex... His idea of spending time on a weekend is playing cards with his parents.. I drive there and he never makes even a suggestion of coming back to my house for some quality time together... who the hell does that...

Can I ask you... ARE YOU HAPPY with him?

How long ago did this thing happen where u spoke to this person?

She can't be happy with him.

This guy does all that crap to manipulate and control. She must crave that - a lot of women do.

No sex in 9 months and she's still with him?

Im a women and I don't crave that at all :p

"spending time on a weekend is playing cards with his parents" he lives with them and then hangs out with them.

Move on. Come on - find a real man!!

I spoke with that person near the end of August at that point he was so furious with me he wouldn't even barly talk with me.. Because of all the issues caused me to dump his crap at his work.. and that happened at the beginning of October.. As for me being happy with this person... I love him very much, I would have no quams about spending the rest of my life with him if he would just come around and stop this nonsense.
I am a secure person and never had any issues with myself. I can't make him understand that any woman would have listened to the things that this woman had to say.. I told him he should have offered me things from his past that would have made me told this person hit the road you can't tell me anything he already hasn't.. His fault, his error not mine... but now I pay the price...
As for the fact of no sex before that from march to that point... couldnt tell you what the hell his issue was with that.. and when it did happen prior to that it only happened if I started it. He said he didn't have a chance to want it because I indicated it first... Now wouldn't you think a guy would want a woman who would never ever under any circumstances turn down his sex... and make it clear I wanted it from nobody but him.. To him I pushed the envelope with that to far... Excuse>? Or Reason? I'm so confused I don't have any idea anymore

I would tell him you want a break, you need space away from him, as this issue has got to far.
See what he says to that.

UMmmmmmmmmm No trust me I don't crave drama... I friggin hate it... Seriously you guys you have to understand I love this guy... Ok... prior situation I was married for 26 years to a man that was a saint... this is new to me and maybe I am useto being treated like a queen instead of an object...

I tried telling him to take space and time and let me know when he figures out his crap... He don't want that at all.. he said he loves me and all will be fine... but I guess I don't know if I have an answer on how long this will take and what if it don't

Well - you need it. Take a break from this guy and his small world.

Does he work even? Please tell me he has a job?

I absolutely don't see the attraction to this guy? Why would yo ugo through this another day - he isn't going to change.

Yes he works in fact he runs a large company... and that's part of the problem too... his job, he works over 60 hrs a week.. which cuts into a lot of our time.
Should I just be grateful for what he is giving now and stop being ungrateful for what isn't there like it should be?
He calls me from work sometimes at 11 at night and is still there... and NO he don't have a secretary

How old is he? Being overworked, overstressed, age and being tired can screw up a man's libido. Talk to him about making more time for the two of you alone then ask him to tell you what has been on his mind; but centering the problem around no sex makes it seem as if it is the most important thing in the relationship?

I would tell him to hit the door!! NO SEX!! That is insane... like the saying goes "there are more fish in the sea he's just the first one that bit the hook" let him go and find a real man!!

He is 41 yrs old. The reason he lives with his parents is a long one but trust me I do understand why and it is a valid reason for now.
His job is stressful yes, but his libado is fine because when he does hold me trust me all things do work..

We have discussed what's on his mind. He tells me that he trusted me completely with his heart and never questioned anything I ever said or did. Also that he never thought that I would do the things I did. I feel I talked to this women because she sparked my interest with what she said, and his reactions caused me to get to the point where I couldn't take it.
How can you say that sex is what this is all about... do you understand that there hasn't been any in 9 months..! The easiest solution for both of us would be to walk, and also the most obvious... I don't need that for a suggestion I know that option and obviously neither have choose it. There is a reason for that.. See everything else is in place.
We have fun when were together we have a likes and dislikes for the same things, we have gone on vacations and had fun, we both have kids but he don't have custody of his.
You have to understand I love this man and by him staying in the picture and not walking away if he truly feels that I delt him dirt for what ever reason speaks for itself.
What I want is what do I do to make this better not only for me but for him also.

but centering the problem around no sex makes it seem as if it is the most important thing in the relationship?

That is what I said, and its my fault for not stating it as a question. Your original post is centered around no sex and how that poses a problem for you. You made it seem as a grave thing, and I was questioning you just to make sure that it wasn't the case. If everything else in the relationship is great, awesome without a doubt and fulfilling and if you love him that much, does sex really matter to you? That was what I was trying to get at, is all.

Yes it matters to me or there wouldn't be an issue at all.. Like I said he refers to sex as being the frosting on the cake. Well I feel that sex is important not as a center but as a bond. It is what I can offer him that I would offer no other man while I was with him, that makes him special. But because he don't offer it to me... is the bond broke, can there be a healthy relationship without it? I am a very sensual person but also very faithful. I love this man and I need to help him fix what ever is causing him to stay away.. Should I just give him time and will it heal him?

Or should I put it this way... Because its lacking it seems to be the most important issue at hand... Jesus I don't want my cake to crumble and Cave in...

I am so surprised that you type all this - and yet stick it out with this guy.

There are so many great guys out there that would die to have you be there forthem like that - there are som any women who sleep around and other stuff.

You're so faithful to this guy and for what??

Nothing. And I don't mean just sex.

How some of us women love to hang onto the belief that we can "fiix" him. The reality is no one can ever fix someone else. No one.

I've read enough here to think its wake up time for you, sweetie.

Stop and think about it Jujewbean, if he was as good as you make him out to be, he would also be receptive to your needs. I know that is hard to face up to, but its true. You yourself said it when you said you've been treated better. And you deserve that. But he isn't receptive to you and that means he isn't a suitable match for you. And he isn't receptive.

Between two grown functional adults, this issue is a non issue -- they talk about it, discuss it and have the skills necessary to compromise, adjust and work it out.

It really does stand to reason that if you are complaining a lot like you are, then there isn't much we can do here, dear. There really is something wrong with your relationship and its time to consider ending it. And if its not worth leaving over, then its not fair to define it as such a problem to begin with-- can you see that?

You seem prepared to live with it, so by all means live with it but you'll have sacrificed a lot in the process and you know it too. There really isn't any more that can be said about it. Good luck to you.

I agree with valinors_sorrow on this one, which is just about what I had been trying to say earlier... as muddled as my explanation had been :)

I have seen many female cry, beach, and moan about how bad she is being treated, and then have the nerve to use BUT I love him. Sorry, but after reading through the three pages here, and your semi long post, I think either you make up your mind and stop being played like a donkey, and cut this overgrown semi-manipulative loser loose. Find REAL happiness, or shut up, and eat his crap and be in as much love as you can handle. He is a loser and has you thinking so are you, and you will be if you stay. Sorry for the anger, I just hate to see losers like him abuse good females like you, and it makes me even madder that YOU LET HIM. Listen to what was said to you here and make up your mind who YOU ARE, and if you want to be happy or not and get out of this relationship. You deserve so much better, can't you see that?

It's hard to understand exactly why you "love" this guy. It doesn't sound like he's a very loveable guy. You seem totally unhappy with him yet you won't leave him. He obviously isn't very vested in this relationship. I'd walk away from this one. He's only stringing you along. You're getting nothing out of this relationship except lost time. Your life is going down the drain with this guy.

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and help... Hmmmm I think I may have known the answers to all my questions before the post... Now... The task... of just doing it... Thank you all again... Ciao'... Jujewbean

You welcome hope everything works out for you... Good Luck!!

First thing I want to say is Ma Ma's boy. He sounds very controlling. Does not sound like he does love you. Time to walk and find somebody that you can actually be intimate with.

Joe

You walk and stop him manipulating you and making you play his head games.

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and help......Hmmmm I think I may have known the answers to all my questions before the post....Now...The task...of just doing it...Thank you all again...Ciao'.........Jujewbean
I think it works like that a lot... that we all know the answers to our problems but simply need some solid reminding or to borrow some courage to face the truth we have been avoiding. Once you know the truth, its easy to determine what to do but not necessarily easy to do. If you are leaving him, may I gently remind you that its not just what you leave behind that matters here but what good things you have coming to you too. You deserve happiness!

Maybe he's gay and still in the closet? Just a wild guess. Whatever it is, it's gone on long enough to prove he's not really interested in changing. What happened with your saintly ex-husband? If he died, it would indeed be a hard act to follow, but knowing what a really good relationship is like should make you unwilling to settle for the half-a-loaf this guy is giving you. Sounds like you do know what to do.

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and help......Hmmmm I think I may have known the answers to all my questions before the post....Now...The task...of just doing it...Thank you all again...Ciao'.........Jujewbean

I really hope whatever path you take works for you. Please let us know as we wait for your update with bated breath. Good Luck!

You can't fix or help someone who doesn't want to fix himself or want help!
Happiness is very important in a relationship, I don't see a lot of happiness here. Love is vital but it needs other attribute's to make the full love fall in complete place.

Right! You can never fix a guy - and when a guy knows a woman is trying to fix he who try even harder to keep her from fixing.

This gu yhas very little to offer and at 41 he is SET in his way - there isn't any more sex coming. I am 40 and I need it all the time - he must has some massive issues you don't want to deal with.

I think if there is no real ties with him , like are u guys living together ? If live with your parents or on your own I really think it is time to move on...

I can sense your frustration and hurt over this subject, but honestly I think it is time for you to break up with this control-freak loser and find someone who isn't so neurotic. It is a huge indicator that he still lives at home, and perhaps he has sort of a Peter-Pan syndrome and refuses to grow up? This could explain a lot of his refusal to have sex with you...

In essence he is using sex like a weapon and something to lord over you when all he wants to do is pick a fight and have someone to blame all of HIS problems on. Life is too short for that kind of treatment and the drama associated with it.

Dump him and I can guaruntee that you will be 100% happier and free to find someone who isn't a big drain on your emotions... in addition you might actually get some!

He's a loser who doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve this BS. If he lies to you, and doesn't make a show of any intimate behaviors then he is NOT your boyfriend and isn't worth your time.

Axe him. Grieve for the loss of a relationship you thought was working, and then get out on the town and find a good man! I know there are some out there somewhere!

~Kitty~

PS- This former friend of his did you a favor, by the way-- if he has treated other people like this and he is treating you like this now-- cut bait and run. This guy sounds like he could be trouble and the last thing you need is to weight yourself down with him. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

I hope you can find someone who will appreciate a good hug. This guy has serious issues. Living at home at 41! Flag number 1. Okay why is he living at home? Insecurity? Afraid to step out? I think this would translate into afraid of commitment too. No hugs? I can't get over that one.

Flag #2. He is mad because you put his stuff to the curb? It sounds like he is a little spoiled. What does he talk about when he calls? Does he complain and whine about stuff in the past you have done to him? If so he is all negative.

I am 39 and married. I can't get enough hugs. I wish my wife would hug me more. There are people in this world that either want the contact or don't. He is a non contact player. Move on. You can not change him. I am a touchy feely person and when I don't have basic contact I lose it. My mood changes and I feel really disjointed. You are going to be a great catch for some very lucky guy. Move on.

Think of how good it will feel to be with someone who loves and respects you. No grudges held. Okay are you ready I am sending you a hug. I am actually hugging my monitor. Hug yours too. Uhhh you are so warm... move your arm up a little... this way... right there... yeah... keep holding on press into me.

Okay. Enough people here at the library are looking at me. Just kidding. I am home. They would have been.

There is someone out there for you who will love you. My daughter is on my back and wants a piggy back ride. Got to go.

Take care.

James

If I was you I would find a true man women always tell me men are sex driven animals and I have to reply see its not our fault we are like that god made us that way. I think it is time you find some one who enjoys you as a person and also sexually and he can stay with mom Time to get a life and enjoy while you still can

Are you happy?? Well you need to sit him down and ask him a few questions and then find out if he is being faith ful to you and go from there

Good Luck Beannie! You deserve better!

Colonel

jujewbean,

Have you moved on? I have been away for too long. I am trying to catch up on all my contacts.

Good luck

James

Hi my name is eric my I think that he is cheating and hiding it very well.just so you know my back round my friend and there's tell me I should be a tharapst soorry cany spell that well.I think he is just to a shamed to to tell you .do a you know any man that don't like it when a female shows efection.if you are still with him have I'm git a std te test. If he want a relationship he would put forth more effort .sa much as you or more to make it work. As for the droma that can be prvented just don't feed in to it that's what he wants.he likes the attention it is what he wants .and for the most impornt thing you should do is take care of you health it seems that you are drpreed and have angziadi those thing need to be taked care about berfoe him because if you don't it will juts get wors my personal apion is to not to put more effort than he dose .or just find soone who will love you and show you afectiona and the other thing you need well if any other ? Just reply hope things work out bye

[well what ezactly are his reasons not to trust you I mean I guess if you don't trust someone then that would explain why you wouldn't want to have sex with them I know plenty of people who do that. And my boyfriend goes away for a whole week and it doesn't seem to bother him at all he tells me its "good that we get time apart" but to me it drives me crazy too. Some guys just aren't affectionate but that does seem a little odd. Maybe you should ask him what you can do to get your relationship back on track and explain to him you and not at all trying to push him to do anything guys are stubborn but that might help. Show him you care do something cute for him. Or maybe he's afraid of a serious commitment I mean 41? And still living at home.. and not showing any effection maybe he feels like you guys should be married but is avoiding it because he's afraid of a serious commitment.

Maybe he don't find u attractive anymore or he got someone else or he must have got some sort of burden on his mind.

HAY AM SORRY BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.



BUT THIS HE IS A GAY, for very rare men go without having sex for months.I can't imagine this ,it also does not happen in our society where things are far more different as in a western culture are.

AND GIRL KEEP ONETHING IN MIND... MAMA'S BOY ARE NOT GOOD LOVERS... for they can't devote themselves to their girls, you are simply wasting you time and emotions for him.Forget about him ,its time for a new man in your life. Far better far sexier and far statisfying. ;)

This must be a really prevalent problem. I have the same issue. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, the sex has dwindled down to once a month if I'm lucky. He gets mad if I try to initiate something or if I touch him... He is always too tired. The other day when we talked about it, he said that he is too lazy to have sex. This is really depressing to me. Makes me feel like its not worth his time to be intimate with me. Im not good enough or something. I don't think he is cheating, although, someone called me the other day and told me that he was. We have just had a really rough few months in our relationship. I don't know what to do... he has told me it is because he is too lazy, because I am a and he doesn't want to have sex with a and even that I treat him like I'm his mom... well whatever it is, it is only making us grow farther and farther apart. I feel really unloved.

Reasons for lack of sex may include:

He is severely depressed
He is bored; stuck in a routine
He is gay
Or he may be cheating


I wish the best of luck to you... if worse comes to worse, there is someone out there who would love to be intimate with you...

To add to my post, Im only 21 and Im not fat, granted I have gained about 30lbs in the last 3 years, but at my age there should be no problem with my sexual life. Im too young to deal with this bs.

It kind of sounds like he's gay

No need to let your love to blind your mind and fool your heart to the extend you got frastrated. Move on you will forget, so you did to the one whom you loved most and died.

Hopefully the OP has moved on as the thread is from 2006.
Please check dates before posting.