Christmas is coming. Typically I meet my ex 500 miles away to swap the kids so they can spend time with me. This only happens twice each year. Once during the summer and once during Christmas.

I am remarried and have 1 child with my new wife. She has an older child from her previous marriage.

Problem #1 - Current wife doesn't think she should have to deal with my kids for more then 2 weeks at a time. Since they only have 1 week off during the Christmas vacation this adds up to 3 total weeks I see them each year. They are very young with the oldest being 8.

Problem #2 - Current wife does not want me to aknowledge my 3rd child with my ex. This was a major problem when I was dating my current wife. She felt I had cheated on her with my ex-wife and got her pregnant. Conception happened 1 week after I met my current wife. Still she will not have anything to do with my 3rd child nor will she accept that I have any kind of relationship with him either.

This year my ex-wife wants me to take all 3 kids. I really want to see my first two and get to know my 3rd child as any parent would and should. I haven't told my current wife just yet but she will absolutely not allow this to happen. My first 2 are welcome to stay in our house (remember, with restrictions) but my 3rd child is supposed to be invisible, non-existent. How can I make this work? I've been very patient and have gone through some very difficult and confusing emotional times.

What should I do?

Whoa, hold the phone.

When your wife, current one, married you she should have realized that custody or not, you and your children are a package deal. You are THEIR father, and not your wife's crashtest dummy. If you want to spend time with them, she needs to accept that you have children and suck it up. If she can't fully accept them, she cannot fully accept you.

Spend time with them, have them over, show them how much you love them regardless of the situation. I have been in their shoes, it isn't easy but the time spent with the parent they rarely get to see will be a great bonus.

You don't want your kids to feel ignored and resent you because you have remarried and started a new family. They are the ones that matter most in this situation, not the wants of your wife, who in my opinion is not being supportive at all.

I agree, she is not supportive. We have had this argument many times before and she just doesn't get it. Her idea of being supportive is helping feed the kids when they are visiting.
My problem is with my 3rd child. He is only 3 years old and I have yet to spend a single minute with him.

This, I know, will end up in a 2nd divorce. She told me a long time ago she would NEVER accept my 3rd child. Yes, she has issues.

I am very sorry to hear that she is treating you this way, not only you but your children. As the step-mother and wife to you, I can't believe her behavior and were it MY way I'd switch bodies with you and establish your presence as head of the household and give her the "Love me, all of me, or leave me" speech. This is about the children but it sounds like she is making herself out to be the victim, with the "Geez, these kids aren't mine! Why should I have to deal with them?!" bit. Issues, ha, she's got full blown subscriptions.

Haha, anyhoo, these are the years for your children that they will remember most. The "When I was a kid..." stories come up a lot, notice that? Honestly, I am trying to keep my own anger out of this so please forgive me if I cross the line, and I do apologize. She should get to know them; she married you and they are apart of you, why can't she at least try for all of them.

I know what I have to do but I don't understand why I am such a chicken about this. Right now we are getting along. She's usually hard to get along with. I feel like I don't want to stir things up while times are good. A big part of me knows what has to be done. I have to think about my kids first. I have to get to know the 3rd child, he doesn't know me at all. The 2 older ones will soon be asking why their little brother isn't allowed to visit when they do.

I just don't understand why I have such a hard time talking to my wife about this. I know where she stands on the subject and I just don't want to go through another divorce and definitely don't want to do this to our little boy who's only 2. When the $hit hits the fan she will kick me out of the house. I know it.

She will say exactly these words "If you want to get to know your bastard 3rd kid then you don't have to ever see this one again". She will try to prevent me from seeing my 4th child. I just feel like I'm in a hard spot but it's been on my mind for the last 3 years.

My current wife just started working again. Part time at night and weekends. There is absolutely no way she can afford her house, cars, bills, etc.. That I pay for now. She will know that if she kicks me out she will likely lose the house so I'm not sure how it will play out. I just don't know how to start this 'talk' with her.

Doesn't help that she is bipolar

You take your kids, all three of them, to treat one kid badly becaues he was not planned is beyond bad, Your kids all three are your kids.

And you tell your new wife she has no choice or voice in it, that you get your kids on visitation and you dn't want to hear another word about it.

It is not even a point to discuss with her.

Current wife does not want me to aknowledge my 3rd child with my ex. This was a major problem when I was dating my current wife.

Then why the heck did you continue to date her and then marry her?

Your kids are part of you, ALL 3 kids.

If she cannot accept that, then your marriage is not worth anything and it is time for you to move on.

WOW!! STOP!!

You have a responsibility to your children first and foremost. Once you broke up with your ex, there is only your children left. They need to be first in your life until they are moved out of the house. You chose to have those children before you ever chose another wife and now you are committed to them. As a parent you are committed to do what is best for them. Yes you matter, but they matter more.

I can see that you are married already, so what's done is done. It is very selfish of your wife to act like this. She needs to understand that your children have to come first. She may not like it, but that is your duty as a father. You two could work with each other but under no circumstances are you required to put your children on the back burner.

This invisible child bull... well tell your wife to get a grip. Crap happens and she's in it!

Your kids don't need to suffer because of it. They have suffered through a divorce and that is quite enough.

You said you know what to do, just know that you are not wrong and know that you will have support!

As mad as I am with your wife for being petty as well as unsupportive, I find myself even madder at you for allowing anyone to tell you how to treat your own kids. Do away with the restrictions and make sure you bond with your 3 year old. My gosh if she can't handle your kids for 3 lousy weeks a year, that my friend is a DEALBREAKER. If she doesn't like it hit the road don't look back. Now step up and be a real father to your children and stop allowing this selfish, stupid behavior. Sorry my kids come first. Tell her to get a therapist or whatever these are your children and she better get over it and you need to be about it.

This current wife of yours sounds like a real piece of work.
And if you are too gutless to stand up to her then I really feel sorry for your kids.

Are you gutless? Are you willing to let her dictate you like this?

Or are you a man and are you going to show unconditional love to ALL of your kids?

I do hope there is a real man in there somewhere!

What would she expect if you and her broke up (not completely unreasonable IMO) and she moved onto a new man?

How would she expect the new man to treat her child? With the same disdain she is showing you and your children?

What selfish, jealous and horrible women she sounds like.

Sorry, but going off your posts that is the only conclusions one can draw from this!

I can see your problem. Your new wife should accept all of your children, she married them too. Also its really hard on kids when the "step mom" is overly mean to them, making them fell that you only try to like them because you should and your real feelings come out with the step mom. If she can't accept your children I would consider separation.

Is this woman taking meds for her manic depression? It doesn't sound like it. And that is also NO excuse for her behaviour.

YOU on the other hand are the father. What are YOU going to do about it?
How can you shun a 3yr old? What sort of man are you? Why are you even ASKING about this?

Sort it out! Your marriage is obviously a mess, but don't make a mess of your children into the bargain. I'm sure they have the holiday from hell with a stepmother like that. Who says they even WANT to visit you each year!

It's not a 'talk' as you put it. It's the way things ARE. They are YOUR children. That should come first. Not some cowardly wish to keep the peace. People like you really should be reported. The damage you could end up doing to your little children is not worth thinking about. Get away from this cruel woman, sort out your backbone and learn how to be a good father (for a meagre three weeks of every year, it shouldn't be that hard.):mad:

People like this really boil my blood!
I don't think this is mean, if this man wasn't a father, I really wouldn't care. But he is dad to three kids, and needs a good kick up the bum if you ask me.
He probably half loves the drama of all this, having a woman make his life hell over some innocent child he doesn't even know.

Your children, especially the youngest, are innocent. They are your children. Now... I do not think a marriage should be abandoned at all costs. But we are talking about a very short time here. You barely see them at all.

I think the right thing to do is to be as much of a father as you can to all of them. And personally, that means more than a few months out of a year.

Wish I had more to say. My son turned three yesterday. I cannot imagine another child like him being "invisible"... you're in a tough spot.

You probably know what is morally right and decent.

This current wife of yours sounds like a real piece of work.
And if you are too gutless to stand up to her then i really feel sorry for your kids.

Are you gutless? Are you willing to let her dictate you like this?

Or are you a man and are you going to show unconditional love to ALL of your kids?

I do hope there is a real man in there somewhere!

There is a real man here. He's been hiding for a long time. I must have been blinded by her charm or something. I think my biggest problem is that I'm not really a very social person and don't have friends that I can confide in. This is the first time I've talked or discussed my situation and feelings about this. Yes, I know it's been a long time. Last year I went through a very bad depression and was lashing out at everyone. I knew what the problem was but felt like I should keep my mouth shut to not create further problems.

Now realizing how my wife keeps me in line I see that when we fight she puts me down. Calls me old and fat and tries to make me feel like I'm lucky that she allows me to be with her. In her mind, being an attractive women 7 years my junior that any man would love to be with, is enough to keep me from going against her wishes. And this has worked for her. I've always been a difficult person to deal with because nobody can usually change my mind. Well, she's accomplished the impossible and convinced me that I should be so angry at my ex-wife for having a child that we never planned that I should never have a relationship with him.

Thank you, everyone, for showing support for my problem. I'm not an idiot but when you have nobody to talk to you become unsure of things. I've been looking around for a long time for someone I can talk to about this and finally I found the place. In my heart I know what is right but my head thinks too much of the what if or if nots.

Thanks again


Is this woman taking meds for her manic depression? It doesn't sound like it. And that is also NO excuse for her behaviour.

YOU on the other hand are the father. What are YOU going to do about it?
How can you shun a 3yr old? What sort of man are you? Why are you even ASKING about this?

Sort it out! Your marriage is obviously a mess, but don't make a mess of your children into the bargain. I'm sure they have the holiday from hell with a stepmother like that. Who says they even WANT to visit you each year!

It's not a 'talk' as you put it. It's the way things ARE. They are YOUR children. That should come first. Not some cowardly wish to keep the peace. People like you really should be reported. The damage you could end up doing to your little children is not worth thinking about. Get away from this cruel woman, sort out your backbone and learn how to be a good father (for a meagre three weeks of every year, it shouldn't be that hard.):mad:

Thanks everyone for your inputs. It's really helping me confirm what my feelings on this are. I don't know what happened to me but I am not doing things the way I would normally do things. I'm letting this crazy women run my life. We will have a 'talk' because it is necessary considering how bad things have gotten. Right now my wife and I are getting along OK compared to the last few months. I always try to be political and try to explain things calmly in hopes that everyone can be happy. It usually blows up in my face though.
That's why I say 'talk'. I know it's the way things are and nothing will ever change that. Our little talk will be to let her know that I've decided to have all 3 kids for the holiday and for each visit from now on.

Oh man! The crap will hit the fan. I'm going to have to pack a bag and plan this out because she will kick me out of the house. Yes it sounds totally unreasonable, I know. Sounds real crazy but mark my words. I will be sleeping here in my office soon but that's OK. Deep down I always knew this would happen.

There is so much more to this story. You guys would think I was absolutely insane for staying with my wife if I told you everything. I like to think that I have never been in love before until this crazy women came into my life. I can't explain the things I've done except that being in love makes you extremely vulnerable and willing to do things for the person you love that you would never consider doing otherwise.

And no, I don't like the drama at all or half way. I like peace and tranquility and for everyone to get along.

Thanks again guys

Yorgo,

I am very glad that you came here to open up and get your problem some advice, if not sorted out. She sounds manipulative, and its only hindering you. You've gotten a lot of great responses here from a lot of great people. Come here any time you need to chat or just vent, until then take care!

Yorgo, I read the majority of the answers, but I want you to know that I have actually been in your shoes.

I remarried and my ex husband had custody of my 2 boys (long story, another post) but, my current husband acted almost exactly like your wife does.

I too felt like you. Easier to avoid confrontation with people like that, I know. BUT, I finally put my foot down, like you have to. My husband was not working at the time, and he told me pretty much the same, that I would have to leave. I was the one who pointed out that ALL of the children (we had a little girl together) were my responsibility because I was the one working and it was MY responsibility to keep a roof over her head and food in her mouth, if he did not like the situation then he would have to leave and I would make sure he was the one to leave.

It actually did come down to that, the sparks got to flying (he is not bipolar, but has other issues that were not controlled at the time). He was made to leave for a short period. After coming back I said that some intensive counseling would have to be done, on his part, before I would call off divorce proceedings, yes, I was the one who filed when our daughter was in my custody.

Well, that was 10 years ago, and now he loves my 2 oldest boys to death.

Sometimes it takes a "slap" in the face for the other partner to wake up and see that our children are part of us and our second spouses were just a choice we made. We can "undo" our choices, but we cannot "undo" our children.

J_9 thanks for the post -

It's easy to just tell people what they should do but you don't really understand the situation until you have been in it yourself. It sounds like you lived through this nightmare and understand. I tend to judge other people just as anyone else. I always think if I knew someone that did exactly what I did I would slap them around and tell them to get their act together. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you nuts?" is what I would say. I think I've treated my kids, my ex, and my family in general very badly about this. Looking back now I realize what an I've become and I just don't like myself anymore but that is going to change.

Now my problem is setting a goal for when I'm going to talk to her. I really don't want to go through this but I know I must. It's almost like I'm waiting for us to get back into our fighting days to bring this up. I'd hate to screw up the good mood she's been in lately. It shouldn't take long because her moods are usually horrible 3 weeks out of every month. This week is ending soon I'm sure.

Oh, yes, I know exactly where you are coming from. Your words were mine 10 years ago.

What I found worked better for me was to make the decision to discuss when he as in a good mood. I know it sounds terrible, but he was more focused and rational when in a good mood. When the mood swings would begin there would be no talking, no rationalization.

I have to ask, is she on any meds? Mine was not until the threat that the daughter and I would be on our own in our home and he would be cold on the streets. He would start to feel better then stop taking the meds and the swings would return. This took a while, but now he can see what is happening to him (with a few tape recordings of his ranting while in a swing and a playback while in a "good" mood).

You just have to swallow your stomach, since mine comes into my throat when I have to do a confrontation, put your foot down, and just talk. You be the "loudmouth" now. Tell her that she is not to say anything until you are finished. Then she has to wait at least a half-hour and think before she says anything. If she starts to talk, walk away, get in the car and go for a while if you have to. But you have to make her THINK.

Worked for me.

The deciding vote about your wife seems unanimous. You cannot allow anyone to rule your life to the point of your being miserable and not able to see your children. How does she want you to treat her older child? I have a real problem with people who feel the children are to suffer for an adults decision. I would bet she is not going to leave you. When you tell her they are coming, and she starts in, put your hand up and say, I have decided, this is what I am going to do. He is my child. This is not a debatable issue. Tell her you will get her a motel room while the children are there if she cannot handle it. It is your house also and you pay most of the bills. Do not allow her to make you choose. In life there are responsibilities we have to have. We should never have to choose to ignore our children. I cannot imagine even wanting to be with a person who does not want my children. She has to be a bitter selfish uncaring person. I cannot imagine the darkness that surrounds her. Sorry, but this is really an issue that gets my dander up. I had a daughter with my first husband. He remarried and his daughter would visit my daughter from time to time and I ended up raising her. All children should be loved and not condemed for who their parent is.

Yorgo-I realise the spot your in, and hope you take the opinions here to help you solve your problem, I wish you all the best in that. I've shown you anger as well as others, not to put you down but make you think. The people here are good caring people who wish you the best and will support your efforts on doing the right thing. Hope you will not be turned off by us trying to give you the tough love we think you may need and stick around. Keep us updated please and Good Luck!

I really appreciate the advise. This is exactly what I've needed for a long time. I'm feeling good. Been thinking about this all day here at work. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking of what's ahead of me. I will keep you all updated on what happens.

Good luck! Just remember, your kids will thank you for it. (Whether they say it or not.) Children need their fathers. You don't want to have to explain to your kids, someday, that the reason you weren't in their lives was because your wife wouldn't "let you." I don't think they'll accept that as a good reason for being absent.

Hi Yorgo
Apologies for my strong post, it was a little cutting to say the least. I lost my temper when I wrote it. Childhood neglect or perceived abandonment is a personal sore spot for me, and I feel the scars of which take a LONG time to heal in all children.
I always shout from the child's point of view, without considering that yes, your confidence has been taking bashing, that you are dealing with a partner's mental illness.
So, I am sorry for any upset I may have caused you. My comments were definite, and charged.
At the same time, you are not responsible for your wife's illness, and if like you say she is having three bad weeks out of every four, this is quite severe. I hope you can convince her and her doctor to look into altering her treatment so that she is feeling more in control. Because it's not fair on you either.
Your kids are at the age when daddy is superman. So if you are having doubts in yourself, at least realise that. And keep in mind you can't replace those days when they have grown up, so try to see all of them while you can. I wish you the best with everything.

Lay down the law with your current wife. She knew you had children when she married you and you have a right to see them and spend time with them. Child #3 is yours as well, regardless of the timing and she should accept that. I'm sure she expects you to fully accept her child, right? Tit for tat. Tell her, matter-of-factly, that if she has a problem with your children then she can go and be willing to let her. (Don't worry, I doubt that she will.)


I know what I have to do but I don't understand why I am such a chicken about this. Right now we are getting along. She's usually hard to get along with. I feel like I don't want to stir things up while times are good. A big part of me knows what has to be done. I have to think about my kids first. I have to get to know the 3rd child, he doesn't know me at all. The 2 older ones will soon be asking why their little brother isn't allowed to visit when they do.

I just don't understand why I have such a hard time talking to my wife about this. I know where she stands on the subject and I just dont want to go through another divorce and definetly don't want to do this to our little boy who's only 2. When the $hit hits the fan she will kick me out of the house. I know it.

She will say exactly these words "If you want to get to know your bastard 3rd kid then you don't have to ever see this one again". She will try to prevent me from seeing my 4th child. I just feel like I'm in a hard spot but it's been on my mind for the last 3 years.

My current wife just started working again. Part time at night and weekends. There is absolutely no way she can afford her house, cars, bills, etc.. that I pay for now. She will know that if she kicks me out she will likely lose the house so I'm not sure how it will play out. I just don't know how to start this 'talk' with her.

Doesn't help that she is bipolar

Reiterate your rights as the father of your children and insist that she get immediate medical attention for her bipolar. If she refuses, then you kick her out of the house and don't pay another cent towards her expenses.

Yorgo, you sound like a very strong person. You have been able to put up with her crap for far too long. It sounds like you want to do the right thing, and just needed some support. Take care of yourself and your kids.

First of-your children should aways come first. If she can't accept all 3 of your children then maybe you should rethink your relationship. I feel really strongly on this. Your children are a part of who you are, and she should accept that.

Ok this is it - I've been thinking this over since I started posting on this site. With the advise you have all given me I am now ready to do this. I've already arranged for my mom to pick up my kids. She offered. I talked to her about my plan to have all 3 kids so she will be driving them back next Saturday. I spoke to my ex about this. She was concerned about what would happen to my 3rd child but I reassured her that he would be with me from now on along with the other 2 kids. MY heart has been pounding all day as I know this weekend is my last chance to get this going. My wife has been in a relatively good mood for the last few weeks, not sure why, but I going to talk to her about this tonight if all goes well. If it doesn't happen tonight it will have to be tomorrow night but either way this weekend all hell breaks loose. Wish me good luck.

Yorgo, you have to do it tonight. You can't put it off, if you put it off tonight, you can put it off tomorrow, and so on and so on. You see where I am going right?

I am glad you are going through with this. Your children will be your children forever. You have a good plan going here. Keep it up. Stop letting her wear the pants in the family since it is your family you are concerned with. YOU make the decisions for the children and if she does not like it then SHE can go somewhere else.

I wish you good luck Yorgo, Don't let any one come between you and your kids.

Ok it's done. This did not go well at all, actually worse then I thought. Maybe my timing was bad but after all that planning to talk about it this weekend I put it off 1 day too long. J_9 I should have taken your advise and brought it up on Saturday. Well, knowing how she reacts I didn't want to talk about it face to face, she gets violent and would have hit me with something. She confirmed this during our phone yelling sessions. So this is how it went -

She called me at work today close to lunch time. After telling me how bad her day was going with the baby I told her there was something I needed to tell her. So, I laid it down and said I wanted to have a relationship with not only my first 2 kids but also my 3rd. That I'm planning on having all 3 down during the holidays. The yelling started immediately. "how could you do this to me?" I made a huge mistake brining this up today. You see, today is the 6th anniversary of her fathers death. This made things that much worse. After a while she hung up on me and I went back to work. She called later to tell me that it was all over. That she was bagging all my stuff and putting it outside at the front door. I should just pick it up and move out. I ended up yelling back at her that I was going nowhere and she has to put all my stuff back. This went on for a good 30 minutes or so. She told me I was the worst mistake she had ever made and she regretted every having a child with me. She was trying to find a locksmith to change the locks before I got home. This was the worst day of her life. Well after a few more phone calls and letting me know a thousand times that she could not stand the site of me that I could stay in the house this week and move my stuff out over the next few weeks. She said that it was fine that I wanted to be with my kids when they're in town next week but they are not welcomed in our house. I would have to stay with them at my mothers house 20 miles away. Anyhow I got home from work, she didn't say anything just disappeared into the room with the phone. The baby was happy to see me and we played for a little while. I noticed all the pictures that were on the wall had been taken down. These were all pictures of our wedding and anything that had me and her in it. Pictures of my kids were also taken down. She came out of the room after a while and said she was going out, so I said fine. I reminded her that I love her and only want to do the right thing. So she took off. I called her cell phone a little later, she finally answered and told me she went to the liquor store and was on her way to her friends house to get drunk and forget about what was happening to her. Says she doesn't want to see my face when she gets home, that I disgust her.

I put the baby down to bed a little while ago and came out here to let you guys know what's happening and to have a cigarette. I really don't know what is going to happen but all I know is that I want everyone to be happy. I love her and my kids. Why is this so difficult? She doesn't want her 11 year old or our 2 year old to interact, see, spend time with or have any type of contact with my 3 kids that will be visiting next week. My clothes are in trash bags by the front door and my wife is out getting drunk at a friends house. Why me?

Well something had to happen sooner or later, so now you know. Put everything out of your mind, and make sure all your kids have a good holiday. Just so you know, her demands about YOUR kids are unreasonable, and way out the box, as well as selfish, and immature. She would have blown up and acted the fool whenever you told her about your plans. Let me ask you this, what kind of person takes their anger or hatred out on innocent children? You stood up for yourself and your kids, that's what men do.

I really don't know what is going to happen but all I know is that I want everyone to be happy.

That's probably not in the cards, at least not soon, but if somebody has to be unhappy she deserves it more than your kids do. Stand your ground.

If she is out getting drunk as you say, be aware that alcohol is a depressant, and she may be in no frame of mind to think or act logically, or rationally for a while. It might be better to let the dust settle, and take care of the kids for now. I would recommend some type of family counselling, when things cool off some as she has a real issue, she needs to deal with concerning the children and what's best for them period.

She said that it was fine that I wanted to be with my kids when they're in town next week but they are not welcomed in our house. I would have to stay with them at my mothers house 20 miles away.

Have you decided how to deal with this yet? Seems like a very bad precedent to let her kick you and your kids out of your own home. You've made a really good start by not being cowed by her ranting over the fact that they're coming. I know it's tempting to try to shield the kids from her, but I think you set a far better example and show them that you really care by insisting that they are welcome in your home and if she can't handle it, she's the one who needs to find someplace else to stay.

As I remember she has children as well. Where are they during all this, you did mention you were watching the infant.

Have you decided how to deal with this yet? Seems like a very bad precedent to let her kick you and your kids out of your own home. You've made a really good start by not being cowed by her ranting over the fact that they're coming. I know it's tempting to try to shield the kids from her, but I think you set a far better example and show them that you really care by insisting that they are welcome in your home and if she can't handle it, she's the one who needs to find someplace else to stay.


Well here's the deal with "her" house. She purchased the house originally with her first husband. After 1 year of living there he was also "kicked out". To purchase the house she had put her fathers life insurance money as the down-payment for the house and this is why it is her house. My name is not on the dead and she makes it very clear that it is HER house and not mine.

She has an 11 year old son from her previous marriage and a 2 yo from our marriage. She works a seasonal job right now weeknights and all day during the weekends. I take care of the baby - feed him, bathe him, put him to bed every night. This will end once the new year comes around when her job ends.

Now, the 11 year old stays with me most of the time. I help with his homework, feed him and play with him. It's been this way for the last 4 years. He is used to me being around. I love him as if he were one of my own kids. She doesn't see that.

My wife, now, does not want her kids (11 year old from prev marriabe and our 2 year old) to interact in any way, shape, or form with my 3 kids. She doesn't want the 11 year old to know about my 3rd child. She doesn't want the 2 year old to ever see or spend time with my 3rd child either. So her plan is for me to pack up and move to my mothers house where I can spend time with my 3 kids and she will find a baby sitter or day-care that will watch the 2 yo while she works. The 11 yo will go to his grandmothers house(her ex's mother the whole week).

I told her I want all the kids to be together. I'll take care of the 11 yo, the 2yo, and my 3 kids this coming week. I have no problem with that. I would love that to happen. She says she will do everything in her power to prevent that from happening.

My 3 kids are not welcomed in her(our) house anymore.

Also, she does not want to suffer the embarrassment of explaining my 3rd child to friends and family. She's always told everyone, including her own brother, that I only have 2 kids from my prev marriage. I knew this would cause problems from the start. Also, she thinks that her 11 yo will be confused and mentally screwed up if he finds out he has 3 step brothers and sisters instead of 2. She says he's already screwed up and its my fault. The 11 yo is confused about family, marriage, and kids because of her divorce NOT because of anything I've done.

Last night she came home from her friends house around midnight, took a shower, yanked her pillow from the bed and slept in her 11 yo's bed. He's with his grandmother this week also so the bed is empty.

I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I'll give her some time to calm down but as hard-headed as she is and after spending a few hours drinking with her best friend its just going to get worse. Her friends always push bad advise on her. They tell her she shouldn't put up with me and I don't can't understand why. I've been working 2 jobs for the last 3 years so we can afford nice things. She hasn't had to work since the baby was born and just started part-time at a local dept store for the holidays. She doesn't need to work but I thought it would be good for her to talk with other adults and have some time for herself. It kinds of gives her a life outside of just taking care of the baby all day.

Regardless of what she says I do help around the house. I do yard work. I maintain the cars, etc.. Still even though she tells me she's still attracted to me and that I am a good father she claims Im a terrible husband. I just don't understand what she means and she can't give me an example.

There's so much in my head. I'm sorry for writing so much but Im just putting down my thoughts right now.

Yorgo, sounds to me as if you need marriage counseling. Sounds like you have found yourself a cold one, this time. You are trying to do the right thing by your children and you are probably a good dad. Your kids and your feelings are important and your wife should respect those feelings. After all, they are your children. You can always get a new wife, but your children will always be your children. And someday, the invisible child will want to know why you never cared. And I hope you can look him in the eye at that time and tell him why.

As I remember she has children as well. Where are they during all this, you did mention you were watching the infant.

Her 11 yo son is staying at his grandmothers house this week since he is out of school for the holidays. The baby stays with my wife at home during the day. When I get home in the evening she goes to work until 10pm or so. All the yelling and screaming yesterday happened while the baby took his nap.

Looks pretty bleak right now as her lies are coming back to bite her in the azz. Say strong for the kids sake. She will go through a lot of upheaval as she now has to backtrack and explain the truth to EVERYONE, not a task to be envied but hey, all the fits or drinking or b***hing in the world will change the fact that dad takes care of his children, will it? Keep doing what your doing, she may be open to counseling later, for now batton the hatches down a storm is brewing.You can handle it!

Yorgo, I may come from a different perspective of opinion than what you have originally received by this post. But I am wondering why you have let this wife rule over your emotions? You seem to care about your children and need to show all of them that you do care. You can replace another wife, but your children will always be your children no matter what. Sounds to me as if you found yourself a cold one, this time! She should respect your wishes and love ALL of your children because she loves you. And they are apart of a package deal.

Just remember, if you move out of the house without your child (the 2 yr. old), the courts sometimes see this as child abandonment and it could ruin your chances of getting custody of him! Just a thought! Good luck!

Can she legally kick me out of the house? I mean, if she is determined to keep me out and refuses for me to get in what can happen? If I'm calm and simply want to get into my home can I be arrested? The reason I ask is that it's coming to just that. I slept at home the last 2 nights, on the couch, but talking to her Im realizing just how serious and unwilling to compromise she is. I thought talking face to face would possibly make things better and I guess I was hoping she would just cry with me and hug me and just say 'its OK I'll learn to deal with it better because I love you' but that didn't happen. Instead I got an hours worth of comments and name calling. I don't want to leave the house and I made that clear to her but she insist she cannot live like this and does not want me to stay much longer. She's only letting me stay now until I can find an apartment. I just can't believe this is happening because of my decision to spend time with my kids. How ridiculous this is.

Well, I certainly have to agree that it is ridiculous. I'm not legally qualified, but I don't think there's any way she can kick you out short of getting a restraining order, and that requires a showing of threatening or abusive behavior on your part. If she's willing to lie about that, I suppose it's possible that she could convince a judge to issue an order, but I'd hope that wouldn't happen if there's no record of domestic disturbance calls to the police, etc. I guess if she's really serious, you need to hire a lawyer. If she locks you out, I think you could call the police and they could make her let you in. That might get you in the door, but of course the police or anybody else can't force her to be reasonable, so living there may not be worth the freight. I really feel for you having to go through all this just to have a relationship with your kids. That's about as basic as it gets and if she can't handle it, then she's got some serious issues. Keep us posted as the drama unfolds, (unless of course you start feeling like a character in somebody else's soap opera).

I suspect this is about control and as long as you go with her program, life will be great, but deviate from her plan, you will have hell to pay. You probably never noticed as the boat was never rocked, but as you see There is no negociating, no compromise, no listenng to anyone. How far she cares to take this, there is no telling. For sure you will catch it now, for going against her rules.

I suspect this is about control and as long as you go with her program, life will be great, but deviate from her plan, you will have hell to pay. You probably never noticed as the boat was never rocked, but as you see Their is no negociating, no compromise, no listenng to anyone. How far she cares to take this, there is no telling. For sure you will catch it now, for going against her rules.

Sounds like you've hit it right on the head. You must know my wife or you know exactly what is going on. Yes, she's always been a control freak and what you wrote above is almost exactly what I've told her many many times. Her philosophy has always been "My way or the highway" and she denies it every time I tell her.

Yorgo, I am so sorry that this is happening to you to begin with. Maybe in the long run, you'll be better off and be able to find someone that loves you for you as well as ALL of your children. Regardless, of the circumstances. It maybe safer to move out, if she cannot control you, she may become vicious. So please be careful. Don't do anything, or say anything negative for the time being. Just tell her that you love your kids and maybe she will have an epiphany or something? After all, it is the holidays. Miracles do happen.

Yorgo, I am so sorry that this is happening to you to begin with. Maybe in the long run, you'll be better off and be able to find someone that loves you for you as well as ALL of your children. Irregardless, of the circumstances. It maybe safer to move out, if she cannot control you, she may become vicious. So please be careful. Don't do anything, or say anything negative for the time being. Just tell her that you love your kids and maybe she will have an epiphany or something? Afterall, it is the holidays. Miracles do happen.

Well the miracle here is that I never purchased a gun for the house. My bi-polar significantly crazy other told me flat out that she was so angry she would shoot me if we did have a gun. Given the few days that have passed since this started I'm coming to realize that it will be OK to be on my own. I was struggling with the thought of being without her or our little boy or even with her 11 year old which Ive become attached to also. But it happened to me once before with my first wife so I can survive another heart break. As for the future I'm really convinced that I should not have any kind of relationships with any women ever again. My heart is really aching and I can't do this again. I'm so disappointed in her behavior and lack consideration for me. I'll just keep quiet, go to work, see my family, go on rides, and visit my kids more often from now on. I don't think I'll ever want to be in another relationship.

Yes Yorgo, you definitely need to get out of the abusive situation that you have found yourself in. You may need to do some soul searching and find out what attracted you to someone such as this to begin with? Do you magnetise toward drama? Or controlling women? Were you raised by such a woman, I wonder? Either way, you need to find out what your part in this relationship caused such an outcome. And try and work on that first. It will be a difficult holiday for you this year, unless she comes around with some common sense? And you find forgiveness in your heart. But maybe next year, you will be in a better place? And please, don't let what a few bad choices in woman discourage you. You need to find out why you chose these sort of women to begin with and work from there. It sounds to me as if you are attracted to mean spirited, controlling women with thick skin. There are plenty of them out there. But it takes a kind gentle soul to find another one. Otherwise, you may keep on making the same mistake over and over again. There are plenty of good women out there. You just need to know where to look.

Don't relax yet as this is far from over. You are tied to this woman by children so don't run for the hills just yet. When the dust settles and cooler heads can see what needs to be done, then their will have to be a sit down. Till then hold your head up and fight for your children and do the right thing by them all. Don't worry about what others think right now as your job is in front of you. They can either help or get out of the way. Stay focused.

I realize I'm a little late to this post. And I'm sure the advice your getting from others is much better than mine, but I can think about is the 3 year old who didn't ask for any of this. What about him? You know what else strikes me, How many single mothers out there would love for the father to be part of the child's life. And you want too. Your wife's an evil .

I agree with chuff! Chuff, you are becoming my role model! You are very insightful. Anyway, your present wife is evil yorgo. And controlling. Which will only hurt you and ALL your children in the present and future. Unless she has an open heart to your feelings and loves you and all that came/comes with you, I doubt you will ever find happiness with that her.

I agree with chuff! Chuff, you are becoming my role model! You are very insightful.


Thank you.


Anyway, your present wife is evil yorgo.

I called her a but AMHD deleted it, like I'm sure they just did again. She's actually more C word kind of person and someone I'd love to meet and tell it to her face. Some people you will just never like and any mother that stops a willing, loving, father from seeing his children is about as low as you can get to me.


And controlling. Which will only hurt you and ALL your children in the present and future.

Exactly, how bad is this going to get when their teenagers and they start rebeling. I'm all for strict, but controlling is a whole different problem. Strict gets results. Controlling gets backlash.


Unless she has an open heart to your feelings and loves you and all that came/comes with you, I doubt you will ever find happiness with that her.

No he won't. He knows he can do better too, that's what really baffles me. He's much to good to be putting up with this. Actually every guy on the planet could do better. His child has done nothing to deserve this skank in his life, and of course that child is going to grow up bitter. When that child revolts against this guy or does't talk to the father, when the child is an adult I hope he'll be able to look at this evil skank and say it was all worth it.

Update!! Finally I got a chance to update everyone on what's been happening. You are/were all right on the money. Much has happened but things are "temporarily" normal. Yes, we had a huge fight and all my stuff was thrown out into the yard and I was asked to move out. It was like this for about 1 1/2 weeks.

The remaining few days before the kids arrived I spent at home with the devil. I slept on the couch until my back hurt. Then I thought "why should I be on the couch?" so I went to bed and she moved to the couch.

The day the kids arrived I packed my stuff and loaded the car. She (demon) had to work and didn't have any choice but to let me take our 2 year old with me and meet his brothers and sister. The oldest, her son, was with his father that weekend. So the baby and I drove to my sisters house and finally met up with the kids. They were so happy to see me! And finally I got to meet my little 3 year old boy. It was great and he took to me like he already knew who I was. Great kid and I'm sorry I ever neglected him. My daughter has always been close to me. We bonded from the time she was born in 1998 since I took care of her mostly. My work hours allowed me to spend a lot of quality time with her during the first 2 years of her life. My 2nd child has never been that close to me. He loves me but I can't tell if his distancing from me has to do with him being a boy or the fact that he loves his little brother so much that he hates me for not acknowledging his little brother. Not sure but this visit was excellent. He seemed to be happier with me and told me several times how much he loved me. My daughter, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th all got along great and were all over me. The 4th child, from my current nightmare marriage, was a bit jealous though but overall everybody got along.

The remaining 2 weeks were interesting. I took my 4th child back home to his mother and didn't see him for another 1 1/2 weeks. I spent day and night with my kids the rest of the time until the first 3 days of week 2. My sister wanted them to spend the night with her kids for a few days so that's what we did. During these days I went back home (to hell). Things were quieter, questions were asked, curiosity, etc.. But nothing was asked about the 3rd child. She did have rude comments to make but being as pissed as I was I put her in her place. Basically told her I didn't want to hear any more negative comments about ANY of my kids and to basically shut the F*** up.

The last 2 days, Thur and Fri, I took off from work again and spent them with the kids. Great time everybody is happy. Friday I drove them back and met up with my ex in Savannah where she took over with the kids. Drove home that same night and things are different now...

Since then my relationship with Satan has improved, believe it or not. Overall I think she's learned to never push me over the edge again. I think she knows now that she is in a bad situation and she has to let me do what I think is best. I'm not a bad guy, I think I make fairly intelligent decisions but I let things get out of hand for too long. She still tries to control things and I'll give her a little control but once it goes beyond a certain point she knows to back off. I'm really amazed how she's learned to stay the hell out of my way.

Thank you everyone for your advise with this. I don't think I would have had the balls to even attempt it if it was not for what you people wrote on this board. Life is too short and there are no guaranty's except that your kids will always be your kids and everyone dies eventually. There's no going back in time to correct terrible mistakes as much as we may want to.

Congrats Yorgo and glad to know that you have made so much progress with your kids and even the wife. Doing the right thing is the best thing to do.

It's stories like that, that make realize the time I spend here is really worth while. Thank you for the update.

A big HOORAY for you for standing up for your kids and yourself and saying "Get thee behind me, Satan." And thank you for coming back to let us know how things turned out. Like Chuff says, stories like this make it all worthwhile. So many times, we never know whether it does any good or not. Hang in there, bro, and keep in touch.

Thanks guys

I am Really Confused :S

I was hoping for an update on all of this! I wonder how things are now that it's been a year!