Hi ,my fiancé is has cold feet worried about moving with 4 kids .Her mom has also been against it wwich I think is the bigger issue, whatshould I tell her?

Have the issues with her ex been resolved?

If so,you need to talk to her,get to the root of the problem... although your getting married in August,there is a lot of work still to be done in your relationship... neither of you seem to be on the same page,or working from the same plan..

If her mother is having that much of an influence on your fiancé now,its not going to change when you get married...

Communication is the glue and the best tool in a relationship... starting talking and taking action instead of reacting.

have the issues with her ex been resolved?

if so,you need to talk to her,get to the root of the problem....although your getting married in august,there is a lot of work still to be done in your relationship....neither of you seem to be on the same page,or working from the same plan..

if her mother is having that much of an influence on your fiance now,its not going to change when you get married.....

communication is the glue and the best tool in a relationship....starting talking and taking action instead of reacting.

Yes ,she took care of it this morning then this came up. She's 45 a teacher lives on her own I think its time to cut the cord .Her mom doesn't let her live. I have never loved anyone more its hard.

If her mother is elderly then perhaps she feels responible for her,there would be a lot of co-dependency there,that will be hard to break... your going to have to find a compromise.

I would advice against making her choose,you may not be the winner!

Again,talk to her,find the middle ground,then both of you talk to the kids,and then her mother... try and not be the bad guy,there is middle ground here I'm sure,just no one has thought of it yet.

Could I ask how long you have been together and how old the kids are?

She's a great person and she can do this.

I'm sure she is a great person, work together to come up with a solution... if she is upset about her mother,or worried about the kids she won't be happy and she will feel stressed... they will all pull her in different directions...

Help her... be a team... work out the creases... talk talk talk..

Kids are 8,13,15,18.20.Weve been dating 2 1/2 years we had the little boyfriend problem in dec he slept over on christmas day .I was with kids I know nothing happened but enough is enough with him.

The kids are with me 4 1/2 days a week with ex the rest .One in college other is gone most of time.

Fair enough that the little boyfriend problem is sorted...

My advice stands that you need to be a team... at the end of the day you want to be a strong couple and have a lasting marriage.. set the stage for that now.

Thanks ,any suggestions

Suggestions for a good relationship?

Its actually a state secret,but ill tell you.

Honest communication...

Compromise.

Mutual respect.

Support each other.

Listen to each other... really listen.

Understanding and try to see each others point of view.

Realise that you both need space on your own,and pursue separate interests and mutual interests...

And COMMUNICATE... I can't say that enough... if your scared for her,worried about the relationship,tell her... be open and honest.

Her sister has said the boyfriend was her way of pleaseing her mom .She has regreted it every sense

Thanks again you have been a lot of help.

I would suggest if the ex is out of the picture and the situation resolved you leave it at that... do not keep bringing up past arguments... it will sabatage any future making up that's needs to be done..

Don't throw it back in her face!

She is with you,and going to marry you,she picked you...

Trust is vital.

Other people will view your thread, make suggestions and offer other advice.

In my limited time here I have found the majority of members give sound,objective advice... keep an eye on your thread.

Got it I have done that in pas,t your good.

Really this has helped

I'm glad I was able you help you get perspective... trust your relationship... let it be a staple in your life... but it takes work,and sometimes you might feel that you have reached a stale mate... but make a conscious decision together,that you each will be a support,without judgement...

Be the one she comes too,and let her support you too..

One more question for redhed35. Relationships should they be all give .True love means you will do anything for someone right? I have done things for her ,like give up time with my kids that you can't get back,bought her the ring of her dreams,moving out of my home and building another where she wants to live.She ask to hold off the wedding for another year,venues have been secured,dresses paid for ,cakes designed.I'm starting to dislike her it will hurt me deeply to let her go ,but will it hurt me more or longer to stay will she ever be ready I is what I'm asking you and myself ?

No,relationships should not be all give.

Both people need their needs met.

If one person feels their giving more and making more allowance and more compromises,its time to talk... or reconsider the relationship...

I do think that there's a communication error in your relationship,and your not listening to each other... if you don't tell her what you need from her,she won't know...

There needs to be a sense of fairness in the relationship... but I believe from your posts,she is easily influenced by others...

She needs to hear all that you have posted.

You are an adult,and to make an informed opinion and choice you need all the information,as does she... you need to talk!

I do suggest you keep an eye on your thread,as other people will have advice for you too.

We talked she says that waiting a year would be better.we are both 45 and she can't have kids so we have time it just seems that to me what are you waiting for ? To be apart after 2yrs is hard to come home alone on week days and talking on the phone doesn't do it .should I just put my foot down ? I thought it was cold feet but I don't know.she still wants to get married she says but is that just till next year ?

Other then waiting for the year,did you feel talking to her helped clear up any issues?

Do you feel happier?

Some ,No I think that Im letting her run and she has asked me early on not to.Im wondering how long will I be chaseing her?

A year is not that long, however I do wonder why wait any longer?

Do you think its to get the children sorted and her family to agree?

Buying more time so to speak...

I'm finding it difficult to see where she is coming from.

I think partly the kids she hasent told her mo the date yet and I really think its to do with this guy emailing her .I mean thi came about just days after .She showed me the email he sent and what she answered back but part of me thinks she wants him more .I just have this feeling that I should let her go but I don't want to I very much love her.Shes like a deer in the head lights when he's around.His email after she told him she was getting married says he has a new girlfriend any way so why email her to start with. After that email she changed her tune a little.Its just weird

Hey red, you've been handling this quite well.

Cameron you've been with woman for almost 3 years I gather. So you should know a little about her by now, enough to know how her relationship is with her mother.

Has she ever sided with her mother before and left you in the cold? Do her arguments usually start or have the sentence "but my mother says...." . If so I can tell you now a marriage will not change that. in fact it may even add some more pressure to your relationship since the mother is against it.

She's been with you for 2 1/2 years- I don't think she has a problem with it, I think that her mother has a problem with it so she does.

As for cold feet. It happens, to every bride. It can happen two seconds before I do or before the wedding day. It's normal it's natural.

I suggest that you do some premarital counselling. It is really a huge help, that way you go into a marriage prepared with the right tools and have any problems either fixed or undercontrol.

Good luck to you. Don't over think things-- that'll drive you crazy and you'll end up with nothing but more questions and being more worried than you should be.

Sarah

I've read some of your post your very good .The ex in the rain was good .answered one hope you get to read it.I know where your heart is your good people

That's true .She hs stood up to her mom in her way and her mom likes me but Im starting to think the pressure to be perfect for her mom is over powering her.she just after the ring came she started this she never told her mom we were getting serious

Why don't you fill us in on your history with her.

Why did she have a boyfriend?
Why would her mother approve of him an not you?
When your talking to her about this, which you need to, how is she reacting?

It seems as though she may not be sure what she wants her future to be. You need to talk and get to the bottom of it and why. There is a reason for the stalling and you need to talk about it.

It does come back to the mom I guess her mom knew about other guy her sister says it was to please her mom I think I lost apart of her to him she says no she had to and its over it's the only time she's lied to me and I forgave her but it keeps popping up.

Why does it keep popping up?

Are you bringing it up or is she?

Things like that take time and you both need to heal from it. If it does continue to come up then talk about it with her. Talk to her until your face turns blue.

Do you think this made her nervous about getting married?

What was her reason for the boyfriend?

It was one of those we need a break things .Her mom doesn't think she can handle the kids ,but she's a teacher I think her mom has made some mistakes and passes the guilt on to her.she was married before for 5 months the guy had to kis and didn't back her up she's 45 now and I'm not him

it was one of those we need a break things .Her mom doesnt think she can handle the kids ,but shes a teacher i think her mom has made some mistakes and passes the guilt on to her.she was married before for 5 months the guy had to kis and didnt back her up shes 45 now and im not him

Its two kids

Someone to show her mom she tried something else

I don't bing it up but he was doing drive byes and calling and lives in the same area few streets away so she was still running into him.

Well I think that issue needs to be resolved before you can focus on each other.

As per the last email when she found out he was seeing someone she changed her tune with me .I know the answer its easier when its someone else to see it I should let her go but its hard.

no,relationships should not be all give.

both people need their needs met.

if one person feels their giving more and making more allowance and more compromises,its time to talk...or reconsider the relationship...

i do think that theres a communication error in your relationship,and your not listening to each other...if you dont tell her what you need from her,she wont know...

there needs to be a sense of fairness in the relationship....but i believe from your posts,she is easily influenced by others....

she needs to hear all that you have posted.

you are an adult,and to make an informed opinion and choice you need all the information,as does she....you need to talk!

i do suggest you keep an eye on your thread,as other people will have advice for you too.

Dead on right. I wish I could add more.

as per the last email when she found out he was seeing someone she changed her tune with me .I know the answer its easier when its someone else to see it I should let her go but its hard.

Well here is the question.
What if he didn't have someone else? What would her tune be then?

Maybe its time for a good sit down discussion. First decide on the wedding. You don't want to keep going in this direction and have her feel obligated since its all been planned and ready to go. I can sense insecurity on both sides and that's not a good way to start a marriage.

Putting wedding off no set date I'm tired . Do I ask for ring back at some point ? I have never been this in love , she says she wants to get married .To me if you want to you do. I think I'm burned out .

At some point you tell her to either get married or you break it off. She sounds way to controlled by her mom and others. I can only see this being the same if you get married