Hi, Just need a little advice please...

My relationship with my fiancé has ended after 3 years a couple of months ago. I will start from the beginning. I met her when I was 23, she was 17, I did not know if it would work to start with as she wanted to finish it after 4 weeks of dating. She then asked me back on the same day after I said I was O.K. with it but kind of disappointed. I took her back and then continued dating, having fun and it was a good relationship and we did many things together. She then broke up with me again 18 months later claiming she wanted to be free and single again and that she missed going out with her friends and the 'it's not you, it's me' quote. I was very hurt by this as by this point, I knew I was in love with her and the relationship had grown very serious. I accepted the breakup after some begging to her to give it a second chance. I had never done anything wrong but care for her. After 5 or 6 days after she knew I accepted it, her mum rang me up saying she was breaking down in tears saying she hated herself and that she missed me and wanted me back. I took her back... I loved her. Four months later we got engaged and she was adamant she wanted to marry me, I wanted to take things slowly but agreed that since I loved her, why wait... We got enagaged in December 2005... 3 weeks ago, she met up with one of her female friends who she had not heard from for a while and went out with her for the weekend. She then rang me up on the Monday after saying she wanted to finish the relationship as she did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me anymore. I could not believe it, she said this last time. A few days later, I went to see her face to face and she told me the same... I broke down in tears as she told me. I asked her if there was someone else but she said "no...I just want to be on my own" and told me to find someone better than her. She then gave me the engagement ring I asked for back and said "I just think we should leave it for a while" What did that mean?? I said "no, leave it forever" and she seemed to not like me saying that. I can't help but think that her friend has misled her or manipulated her into this decision and maybe said something like, "being single is better". I have since spoke to her mum who says she is not seeing anyone else but around her friends house every night. I tried some contact but she does not want to know. I have now decided to end all contact... I still hope that she will come back... I think where I may have gone wrong this time is that I showed her that I did not want to break up with her this time and it has been 2 months now and she has not contacted me. I love her so much but I am broken hearted by what she has put me through...

I just wanted to add that she is now 20, and I am 26, this was her first real relationship. Some friends have told me that she may miss single life and wants to experiment... This hurts but sounds possible.. She did says to her mum that she met me too young... I am hurting like hell over this, does anyone think I will get her back and is no contact the best way?
Sorry for rambling on in here...
Please can someone help me understand this?

She obviously doesn't know what she wants and is therefore a bad candidate for marriage. You're actually fortunate to be rid of her. She may feel that she never had a chance to "sow her wild oats" and that could have been a mitigating factor. That's purely a subjective feeling in my opinion. I really don't think that a young person misses out on anything by not "sowing their wild oats." I've been there and believe me, it's nothing to write home about. Frankly, for me, I think it was just a way to rationalize my loneliness. She'll probably have her regrets. Meanwhile, you just have to pack up and move on and build a life without her. Look at this as an opportunity to start anew.

For your own sake the no contact is the way to heal and time will put things in a better prospective. She is at a different maturity level than you are and you should move on without her.

She is way too young to even get married... trust me you don't want to marry a gil that is doing this right now, because she ll probably end up cheating on you if you get married... I believe every person needs to get the whole party have fun be single kinds thing at some point or another.. she obviously hasn't gotten it out of her system yet...
U shouldn't have to deal with this right now... I know its hard to cut all contact( believe me I know... ) but as time goes by ill get easier and ull meet the person that is in the same mental place as u...
Good luck

People who are not ready aren't inherently wrong, they're just not a good fit with someone who is. I don't see her as relationship material, let alone marriage. It may have to do with age, and it may not. Lots of factors there.

I once had to move on from someone too and it WAS hard. After you get left, in a way you have to "leave too" --like it or not. I moved on knowing that by the time he might come to his senses, I would be too far past the "get back together" stage or (if he really waited a long time) even involved with someone else. It was hard but it was doable and so I did. Turned out I was involved with someone else LOL and to make it really humbling, fourteen years had passed. Gawd.

You won't always feel like this, Geoff.

She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.

Seems like you're WAY to forgiving to me - from what you've said you seem like her doormat where she can come and go.

I bet $1 million you're not ready to get married either.

I'd leave her a lone and move on.

Thanks for the replies... I agree Wildcat, she is probably too young for Marriage but I never intended to rush things, it was her that pushed us into getting engaged.. I was happy to take things slowly because of her age but at the same time, I did not want her to think I did not want commitment because I did love her. In the back of my mind though, I had my doubts about her because she used to hint that she missed being single... I think the engagement to her was more about showing off and having an engagement party and a nice ring on her finger... They say love is blind, well I was definitely blind on this one... Most family and friends said it would not last, I thought they were wrong but I was wrong... And if she ever did come back, how could I forgive her and even build up that trust again... + as you say, I would be a doormat, she would not respect me, so even though deep down, I would want her back, the reality is that it probably would not work and I suppose I would be setting myself up for getting hurt all over again.

Learn from this - move on. She's a user.

If you leave her alone I bet she tests you again and calls. But, I'd leave her alone for like 5 years. She's WAY too imature to understand what a marriage was - she'd get bored and cheat on you.

Hi Wildcat,

Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again. Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?

i.e quoting the doormat phrase, that is what I would be to her if I waited

I'm not Wildcat but I am up early so here's my 2 cents

Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again

Yes is your answer and you must stick to your guns and not be led astray by her. Do not let her stop your healing. She is too immature.
Example-She calls to see if you want to be friends , but no she isn't ready for a relationship..


Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?

It would be dumb to stop ones own progress to wait for someone who doesn't know what they want. Stay on your own course and get a life without her.

If most of your family and friends felt it would not last, they may have seen something in your relationship that you did not. A 6 year difference in ages may not seem like much a little later in life but at 17 and 23, it is a big difference. What did you do from age 17 to 23? She wants to hang with her friends and have fun. On the other hand she broke up with you often, that could have ben immaturity and it could be a pattern that will follow her through life. I would not wait for her. It has been 2 months since you heard from her. You are in a different spot in life and start a new life. Life is too short to waste any of it waiting for someone who may or may not come back and then may or may not leave again. Relationships are a lot of work without that being the root.

Hi Talaniman,

Just a quick question, appreciate all your advice. From the last post, are you saying it is best that if she did contact me to ask for friendship, I should basically not allow her back into my life at all. I don't think friendship with an ex would work but I guess if she was testing me , she would be attempting to fish to see if I still had feelings or if I had moved on...

Hurts like hell but I think that from all the advice I am given, it is best to forget her and move on for good. I just have this weird feeling that she wants me on the backburnr so to speak while she has her fun... Like when she said, "I think we should leave it for a while" when we first broke up.

What do you think this means? Or am I searching for hidden meanings that really are not there?

I understand your confusion and rather than try to explain someone else's motivations embark on your own plan that doesn't include her. Things will be clearer with the passage of time and you work on yourself!

This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing. Some can remain friends, but in your case where you still care so much for her, I would not. Maybe down the road you could be, but for now just move on away from her.

This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing.


Also, if she wanted to get back with me if things did not work out whether it be with a new man or with her single life, I would always be second best because she felt that the grass was greener on the other side when she left.

Never, never be plan B. They WILL take yo ufor granted. No respect for you. They will cheat or leave again.

Hi Wildcat,

I read this below on another website: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43164/

All about no contact and it says that no contact should not be seen as a way to get an ex back. Do you agree or disagree with the thread below.. This is not mine by the way, I copied and pasted it from the website above just to get your viewpoint on it. Any other views would be appreciated.
************************************************** ************************
To me, "No Contact" is what ought to happen after a relationship is already over. I agree in that communication is a very essential part of any relationship. When a relationship ends, however, I think it is best for both parties to discontinue speaking with one another.

In my experiences, I have learned that what works best for me is to quit talking to, going near, or associating in any way with someone who suddenly becomes an ex. Perhaps a few months later the person might say hello, and a year down the line we can be friends, but there has to be a lot of time apart. "No contact" helps the healing process, and prevents anything more icky from developing out of the break up. Some people try to view the no contact thing as a way to win an ex back, but that is completely wrong.

While in a relationship, I think it is important to retain a certain amount of personal space and "alone time", but communication should never be discontinued. When a relationship is over, however, the two people do not really have any business speaking to one another for quite some time, if they are going to speak to one another ever again that is.

I don't completely agree - but NO CONTACT is for you to work on yourself. Be come strong again. Get you power back. Get over them - the only way to get them back is get over them. Get your balls - get yourself ready to go date. Improve.

I also think he/she is talking from the DUMPER stand point!

Yes the no contact period should be used by you to get over it and become happy again. Work on you.

It isn't used as a means to win back an ex. Stupid move.

I think you might be catching on.

Your best move now as hard as it will be is to completely cut contact with her and begin your healing process. It isn't going to be easy but having no contact will be the best way for you to move on and one day find a happy and fulfilling relationship.

But stick around here and help others and get more help from the great people here. I have found this to be one of my best outlets!

I forgot to mention something, something that I have been thinking about or remembering. During the 3rd year of our relationship, she said once, I wonder what it would be like to sleep with another man. I just ignored it, we had good intamacy but I often wonder if she felt she missed out on experimentation... You see, I was her first real boyfriend emotionally and physically and once she even said in a jokey way that she could finish with me and do her single thing and get back with me... I said that would not work but took it all as jokey talk just to wind me up... But I had the chance to walk the wild party side when I was younger, because she was with me between ages 17 - 20 I think she feels she missed out on it, even though I was o.k about her going out with her friends, never smothered her but she felt I was too good to be cheated on, the last thing she said to me 2 months ago was "I'm scared if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you, and you" and she said "find someone better than me".. The last thing she said to her mum who was angry about her decision was, I met him too young..

So this re-inforces the fact that we were incompatible at the time we met...

I am further confused by dwelling on the comment that she said when we broke up, "I think we should just leave it for a while" I take this as, let me have my fun for a while and I will come back when I am done, because I don't want to feel guilty about doing something while I am with you...

If so, what a mug I would be for waiting...

Yes girls do seem to need to have some wild girl period. Maybe not all but most seem to need some period where they experiment.

My ex was never the type of girls that I thought would want to, and indeed either did she. But it has turned out that she does. Although not her direct reason for breaking up with me, I certainly think she in her mind feels she needs to be young for a while. Something she missed out on for various reasons.

And they don't go, have fun and then come back. Doesn't work like that.

And yes you would be a mug to think it worked like that and indeed wait. So don't wait and don't even wish her back. Move on and enjoy your own life. After all that seems to be what she is doing.

Qute frankly if they don't have a wild girl stage early - great chance it will ocme later or they will be very unhappy.

I've said before I know a gal who is 45 never went through a wild girl stage until 41 - she had been in a LTR and married 15 years - she divorced and then went nuts.

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants & she's dragging you on her emotional roller coaster. If you truly love her, give her a few years to do her thing.

Meanwhile, don't stop living your life. Get out there, get involved, work hard, meet new girls, see what happens..

Im sure no matter what, she now has residency deep in your heart and your not going to forget that in a hurry, bieng engaged was a big thing. Im not saying pine for her. Im just suggesting you let it go for now, get on with life but don't dismiss her altogether.. It's a timing thing.

I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant.. If they want you back, surely they would call you...

But its really hard, I have not done it since week 2 and I'm on week 8 but I still get this massive urge to contact her!

Just have to keep telling myself, MOVE ON! Because I know that is the logical thing and that is what I say to others but when it's you it seems different, harder to justify...

I mean, you think at the back of your head, what if there was something I could say that would bring her back.. Truth is, there is not!!

I also believe that when I was with her, I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup, something I can see a bit clearer now... What makes it worse is that she blamed me for losing her friends when in actual fact, it never bothered me her going out with her friends, She just lost them, they moved on... NOw she has a friend back, she realises she can get back what she had before she met me, a single life!

I don't hate her for wanting to sow her wild oats, how can I? She is young, after all, I did that when I was her age! The only thing I hate is the breakup but it happened for a reason and it stared me in the face for months... LOVE IS BLIND..

"I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant" - every time!! I like the way you put that. Hence - the no contact - they don't want you in their lives for what ever reason - you give that to them.

You just push them away and reinforce their decision. Believe me.

Don't contact her!!

"I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup" - LEARN FROM THIS...

They are part of your life - not your life. You have to still do the sames things you always did - always stay with your friends! Be busy.

SLOWLY, and I mean SLOWLY over time you can spen more time with them.

Only time helps - they may have being feeling pressure over something - and you leaving may have helped. One day it might get better.

I know for a fact it's EASY to know what to do - but very hard to act properly.

Hi Wildcat,

What do you think about xmas time, should I send her family a card just out of friendliness or is this a real no no?. After all, I was quite close to her family too.

I think I know the answer is no, but just thought I would ask..

I just wanted to add something, something I have missed out but wanted to know if you think it has any relevance.

In July this year, I lost my job and became unemployed for medical reasons after developing RSI in my wrists, I could not keep up with the workload, I was not fired but sent to occupational health to assess if I should continue but the conclusion was that I should not, so I resigned.

Since then, I have been unemployed for 4 months looking for alternatives to the type of work I did but now considering retraining..

Do you think from this info, this factor may have encouraged her to break-up, the fact that the money ran out... When I first met her, I supported her for 18 months while she was unemployed, paid for mostly everything, nights out, holiday..

I am starting to see a very selfish side to her and you don't walk out on someone when they are at their worst. I mean, if you can't stick with someone through the hard times, then you don't truthfully love them..

I think I have been used beyond belief here.

Christmas - How do you think SHE would feel about that - creeped out? Probably - I send nothing.

Post 2 - TRUTHFULLY - and you're not going gto like it - YES, losing a job can push her away - a bet $1 mill you put too much importance in her then. And maybe you were a little depressed?

Yes Wildcat,

You really do know your stuff on this subject, I think you are right here.. Maybe I did place too much importance on her..

What I am going to do is work on myself, get back into work again, I did have a part to play in this breakup, I know she was young and we have discussed that but there were issues that should have been addressed here. Still, it does anger me that I supported her for 18 months while she had no money and while she was feeling down, I helped her, supported her but that does not mean anything... There are so many factors here

I will not bother contacting her, AT ALL... I will stick to your advice and come on here if I think I am getting to the point where I think about it.. In the meantime, I will just work on myself, I think I lost parts of myself in this relationship and need to reawaken those parts I lost.

Thanks for the advice Wildcat!!

P.S. That website you recommended is brilliant

It sounds like she sort of used you man, and your entitled to be hurt and angry at that. Plus you deserve better! Why would you want someone like that anyway?

But don't let it control you. Keep moving forward.

Use the stuff you read on the website. It is all great stuff.

www.askmen.com

Another great site. Good articles there on a wide range of things for men!

NO CONTACT!

Also, when we split up, she told me that if she stays with me any longer, she is scared that she will cheat on me..

That kind of says to me that she had in mind that she wanted out of the relationship so she could experiment and not feel guilty about it.. I know that she said this guy in her work had asked her out for a drink, anyway, she told me that there was nobody else when I split up with her although there was a guy in work she fancied but said that was not going anywhere.. 2 weeks later, I bumped into her brother who said she found out what he was like, apparently he had other women and was playing with them all, although not sure how far my ex went with him. He also said she needs to meet a real B*****d who trats her badly to realise what she has done..

It hurts to think it but I really do believe that she left the relationship so she could sow her wild oats and experiment.

I just wish it would have happened much sooner before I got such strong feelings...

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away. But she WAY too young to be in a serious relationship.

I think it's kind of simple (I Think).. She wanted out because she felt tied down.She lost her single life and felt the relationship was to blame for that.She has since had lots of fun going out with friends (so I heard) and realised what she had been missing even thnough I never stopped her from doing that.

But I still can't get this thing she said to me out of my head, when we split up with me she said "I just think we should leave it for a while"

In my head, I am thinking, she wants me there in the background in case she changes her mind (Bad Thing)

But also this may just be me reading into something that is not there, she may just have been trying to make it easier on herself.Avoiding guilt.

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away.

The problem is, I can't get the answers from her, I need to search myself by analyzing the relationship and where it all went wrong, be it my fault or hers or both.

I have more info, can't believe I forgot to say this.. I got on well with her family and they liked me.

My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning. Also my sister and her fiancé had a feeling that she was manipulative and that it would not last. I tried to get my family to understand that I loved her but they knew deep down that she would let me down.

She never liked it that my father would rarely want to make conversation with her.. I tried to help them communicate but it was clear they did not like each other..

Maybe that was PART of why she was pushed away...

[QUOTE=Geoffersonairplane]My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning.way... [/ QUOTE]

Just wanted to say that in me saying that this is what they thought, I never thought I was better than her or that I could do better because I loved her.

She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.


25 is too young too (I think)!! I don't think anyone should get married before 30! People have so much to experience before they get married. And I don't mean by traveling and such, I mean education, jobs, what they want to do with their lives, so on and so forth.

Hiya, it was my ex's mum's birthday just the other week, and it's his sister's birthday tomorrow. I asked people if I should send cards, they said NO, so I didn't. When I think about it they didn't wish me happy birthday or send me a card or anything and I got on well with his mum especially. Maybe they felt it wouldn't be right to send anything. You are like me, you would do it out of kindness and like to do things like that, but I would just leave it : )

I think the worst thing is wondering who she is with, if she has found someone new. It really does not matter though does it, if she is not seeing someone else now, she soon will be.

I think when I will be over this is when I stop hoping that she will come back and accept it.

Although I am aware of what I and others in my situation should behave, I still have this aching feeling that I want her back but know that obsessing on this thought will just drive me insane.

Deep down, my heart tells me she may be back but my brain tells me she won't be back.

Not sure if that is the right way around, regardless, why deny the truth..

Hey Geoff can I ask you a question? I can tell you really loved this woman and you've made reference to the fact that you were her first real boyfriend. Was she by chance your first girlfriend? I've just read the posts and I can tell your going through a tough time.

I don't want to repeat what everybody else has said but let me add on to there good advice if you don't mind. If you don't have a gym membership please invest in one. Start working out and really push yourself. I've been lifting for years and you get a great high from it that I can't describe. You don't have to be big or strong just go in and get a decent workout program and you'll start to feel better about yourself. It's also a good place to interact with new people.

The best part is you can see the results in your body. The results are measurable and visible. If lifting isn't your thing than take up cardio. Admittedly, I hate cardio but sometimes I will get on a stairmaster and just push myself until I can't go anymore. Then after about 15 minutes I'll get back on and push myself again until failure.

Ironically, I first did this years ago after a girl that I had been going out with for two years suddenly dumped me without warning and I was not sleeping and extremely depressed. One day I just went into the gym and said, "F it" I'm going to sleep tonight and I will make my body so tired that it won't have a choice. And that's what I did. I rode that stairmaster for a total of 90 minutes that first time. Not only did I start sleeping better, I got into better shape but I was able to focus on myself, because believe me when you pushing your body like that you don't think about anybody else.

Anyway that's my two cents and I hope it is something you can apply to your situation. Good luck.

Hi Chuff,

Well, that's kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that...

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

She never worked out in the relationship or before it.. She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.

Thanks for your advice..

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.
I think you know what it is you must do.

Hi Chuff,

Well, thats kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

I kind of senced that. You've got to realize what your going through is perfectly normal. Your feeling a loss but it's something you can and will overcome. You have to be strong and start looking to the future and not the past.


I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that....

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

Thanks for your advice..

Then this is one of the many steps you can take to get your life back. Try what I said in my last post. Hit the stairmaster, treadmill (if you can, personally they give me shin splints), or the ellipitical machines and just go. Just go until you can't go anymore. Stop, get some water, take a break and go again. Trust me you'll forget about her for awhile. Plus you'll be doing something for yourself. It's a win/win situation.

We did argue a lot in the relationship, more so in the months leading up to the breakup but we always made up and most couples argue after the honeymoon period.

My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger. I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.

Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

She never worked out in the relationship or before it..She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.


I just realised how funny that sounded.. LOL

I haven't laughed in weeks!

Well first let me say I think you've igorned the last couple posts by Tal and myself. You taking steps backwards not forward. None of this post has anything to do with you stopping this problem you have of beating yourself up. I'm not trying to discourage from writing it out and posting because if it gets some of the pain out than do it. But you've got to quit thinking so much of the past and start thinking about yourself, your future, and your own happiness.

All that being said I want to point out some things for you and if you ever get in this situation again.


My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger.

By doing this you gave her a lot of power and only confirmed to her that she could have you at any time. It sounds backwards to logic, and while... it is, but if she breaks up with you, you must start pulling away. Easier said then done for sure but by going to her and crying in front of her it lets her know that she has the power and is in complete control of you and this situation.



I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.


She sure did have a head start with the grieving process. She knew months in advance that this was not going to last. You even point out yourself that she made comments to you about how she wished she could experiment with other guys. The breakup was already going through her mind at that point. She was laying the groudwork and also giving herself an excuse to get out of this relationship. She may have even been putting "feelers" out to other guys that she was interested around that time.



Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

First, quit listening to her mom. Her is either
a. lying to you to protect her daughter
b. doesn't have a clue what her daughter is doing.

Second going to her mom and asking about her about you ex only makes you look desperate and needy. It only continues to establish that you ex can have you and control you at any time.


I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

I hate to be brutal but you have got to start thinking about you. Who cares what she's doing. Quit contacting her and her family and her friends. You've got to completely remove yourself from this core group of people.

Also go get that gym membership I told you about or just start walking around the neighborhood.

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice, I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

Hi there,
Just read your thread... totally agree with the others... no contact for you. She's young 20, she needs to see others at this stage and then when she meets one jerk after another she will begin to see what she missed, a nice guy who loved her and wanted to marry her. So for you for sure do not contact her . Let her wonder and wonder...
I am sure she will be in contact. But when she does let her think you are completely fine and over the breakup,bey bsuy and mysterious, that will get her begging to come back.

Sorry to hear about your heartbreak, Geoffersonairplane. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is worth the heartache or tears if they won't so much as give you the time of day. If she were worth it dear, she would still be with you instead of using a mere few days to end what the two of you had, then having the audacity to hint at asking for 'time off'.

That's so much bull, you did the right thing; if she wanted time, she should have purchased a watch.

I hope you are doing all right, just keep your head up.

chuff-Had to spread it, but I thought you were so right on the money. A complete life makeover is needed and instead of dwelling on the ex an eye to the future with plenty of positive action is what this poster needs. Great job.
Goef-Forget about what her friends and family says, you where there and you know the truth. The no-contact applies to all of them also. Get about doing the things that make you happy without her and as hard as it is leave the past where it is. This is what we all have to deal with after the shock of an intense relationship that suddenly (for you anyway) stops. She had a huge headstart that you would have sensed and acted on, if you where not so deeply distracted. It will get better.

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice,

I in NO way think you are ignorant. I think your in pain. Your doing the right things though. Your seeking out help, and for the most part you listening to it. If you don't understand it your asking questions. I've been where you've been. I know it sucks but I'm telling you that I've gotten over it and you can too... and you will. You just have to give yourself permission to do that and quit beating yourself up.

Geoff people come to this message board all the time ask for advice similar to yours and when the answer comes back from multiple people that they need to stay away from the ex they ignore it thinking were all nuts. Then the problem either gets worse and you never here from them again or they come back and actually wonder why it got worse. That's ignorant! You at least searching. Your trying some new approaches to this problem. You're the best kind of person to offer help too. Your not ignoring us or so far go that you think we are all out to get you. Believe me, I realize you don't recognize this now but you've come a long way and you've made some positive steps. In time you'll look back and be happy she's gone.



I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

You've got the strength. The question is do you want to use it or do you want to continue beating yourself up. Trust me on this though, if you don't believe anything else I tell you, believe this.. You've got the strength.



One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean?? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way... But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure.. It is mother's natural protective streak.
I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food.. LOL.

This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore! And I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

Actually Chuff,

You are right, none of this is helping me, now I am trying to dwell on what her mum might think of me..

In reality, it does not matter since I am not part of their lives anymore, so what does it matter.

It's all about me now, and me only! I am completely detached from this situation anyway.

Furthermore, my realisation is that I was the one that was wronged and therefore I can pull away knowing that I did the best I could to make it all work out but there were too many things against the relationship.

A positive is that I am learning things I had my eyes closed to before..

I'm going to go for another run tomorrow, and look into joining a gym again next month.. Need to warm up a bit! (Been a while)

Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

Great. Run twice a day if you have too. I'm telling you at the very beginning or when ever your feeling depressed just drive yourself to exaustion. It will completely make you forget everything else going on in your life and it's also good for you.


I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

Why is it her mom's responsibility to pay for money owed by your ex? It still shows weakness when you bring up your ex to her mom. If her mom brought up your ex you should still change the subject. The very fact that her mom says "I would not lie to you" is your first clue that she's lying to you. You have to take control of the conversation with her.


I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way...

Dude. Seriously, now you sound like your upset because of the break up with the mother. You have created this fantasy land where everything was perfect. She may be a great woman but she's not perfect and she's not even your ex. She's your ex's mother. I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.


But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure..It is mother's natural protective streak. I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food..LOL.

Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.


This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore!! and I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

Good, now don't speak to her again. Ever.


I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

Good and while your moving on with your life forget about what she regrets because it isn't going to help you.

Thanks Chuff!!

I want to say that I appreciate everyone's advice, and the advice I have got from you chuff over the last couple of days really has opened my eyes and I WON'T ignore it for my own sake...

I have no further questions for now as I believe everyone has said as much as is needed for me to help myself recover and progress so I will therefore keep you ALL posted on my progress.

Thanks Again guys and gals..

Geoff..

Hi,

No dreams about her last night.. At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking too much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound?

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

Yes would most possible be a rebound. And it would be good for her actually , it might wake her up to see what she lost as there are sooo many jerks out there.
Yeah don't think of her , and don't think of a new woman yet, good to focus on yourself and heal from this one.

Hi,

No dreams about her last night..At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking to much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound??

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

Actually you ask a very good question. First remember that when break-ups occur, the person that initiates the break-up has such a head start in the healing game that they are not in the same same shock you are and have had a lot more time to accept this break-up and move on. Many times they have not invested emotionally the way you have either and are actually glad to be free of you, and have been looking around for some time. They don't have the emotional baggage that you carry and while you grieve, they are well down the road to the next relationship. In most cases, not all, they have nothing to heal from, since they're hearts weren't ripped out and their minds were made up already. Hope this puts things in better perspective for you.

Ouch!! That hit a nerve tal..

But I need to accept that what you have said there is very true indeed..

Just have to keep telling myself to let go...

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.


Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that..

But I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together... I think it is just a matter of time.

I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

She didn't end it sooner because although they know it is over and have in most cases been thinking about it for a while it still takes a lot of courage to do it.
My ex was thinking about it for a month or so before hand and it wasn't until I finally caught on that something was wrong and approached her that she came clean.

She told me she was scared and wanted to fight the feelings she was feeling because she had always until just recently wanted to spend her entire life with me. She still wanted to but the feeling she felt were there and not going away.

It isn't stringing you along. I really think they do it because they did truly love you and although they don't anymore they still care about you and don't want to see you hurt. It is a tough thing for them to do. It is tougher on us but still I'm sure isn't a pleasant experience for them!

Look man, I know the pain you are going through only too well. It still cuts me up a little but I'm getting much better. Once I really and truly accepted it was over I began to get better.

Correct me if I am wrong but I can see in your posts that you want to be told she might come back? You want to hang onto the thought that if you don't contact her and do all the things we tell you here that she will come running back.
I thought the same.

You know what? It doesn't. She is gone.

All this no contact, running, hanging with friends, reflection etc isn't to be done with the thought in the back of your mind that it will bring her back. I know for a while that is what drove me to do it.

Not good. Your driving factor to do all this should be about you. Realising it is what is best for you.

Your going OK. It is hard and you will have so many ups and downs that at times you will think you are gong mad. But just keep moving forward slowly and will get better!

Keep offering your great advice here too. That will help you more than you realise!

You know what Skell,

There is no need for me to correct you! Because you are right on the money...

I have been thinking irrationally in this way and it's not like me to do this.

To be perfectly honest, if I were viewing this from an outsiders perspective, I really don't think she will ever be back.

I am capable of letting go, I think I just need more time, I don't think 9 weeks is enough yet but I will get there!

I seem to be giving good advice to others but struggling a little with my own! Normal I guess.

How long has it been fore you Skell?

You sound quite emotionally well and clear headed (with respect)..

Your spot on mate. 9 weeks is no time. No time at all.

There is no limit but I do know that after 9 weeks there was still a lot of confusion and fear for me. In fact all the feelings I see you feeling in your posts I felt as well. That is why I could so easily recognise it. As I'm sure others here could too.

I gave good advice to others as well but struggled with my own. In fact I still do at times. Not much but every now and then I find myself slipping and think to myself "hang on a minute, your preaching such and such to others yet here you are not doing it yourself".

At least you are recognising that! That is good. It means you can think and look at yourself in a critical perspective.

I suppose I am thinking a lot more rationally and clear headed now. But that took along time and many many ups and downs. Trust me. You are going to go through lots of feelings and more pain. It is how you deal with those ups and downs which is important.

It has now been about 7 months for me out of a 7 year relationship. And a very good relationship might I add with a wonderful person. We went through a lot and trust me, it cut me up bad. And I mean real bad. It still does at times (just not as much).

When she first told me I lost it. I was an absolute emotional wreck. Cried all day and all night. I locked myself in my office at work and just cried. I would wake at 2 in the morning that anxious and alone that I would have to put my runners on and go for a run because the only time I felt comfortable alone was when I was running.

I would go to places out and about knowing I would probably run into her and I would beg and plead. Yuck. Argh I get mad at myself just thinking about it. I also wish I had found this place sooner to help me and listen to the great advice.

That is just the beginning. I was a mess and did a lot of things I really really regret. In fact the things I did probably pushed her away for ever even as a friend. But I have to deal with that and learn. Which is what I have done.

Thanks for asking me though. It has given me a chance to vent again. Which I haven't done for a while. I feel much better.

But please go back and read my past threads and how I was. And also feel free to PM me anytime if you want to ask something. I am far form and expert but I just know from RECENT experience what you are going through and if I can help you learn form my mistakes then I will be more than happy!

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

She didn't end it sooner because she slowly cut you off and/or out of her life. She knew this relationship was over while she was still dating you. Just by reading some of your posts I'm guessing she knew it was over as far back as 6 months ago. When she started talking about what she's missed and that she wished she met you later in life she had already decided it was over. At that point she was laying the groundwork and giving herself reasons to justify what she was planning on doing as far as ending this relationship.


I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that...?

Well believe it or not it's not that hard to answer. If you look at her from the perspective of how human beings behave instead of looking at her from the perspective of you ex girlfriend it makes perfect sense what she did. She strung you along to protect herself. From what you write and the statements she made, it sounds like she determined along time before she told you that this relationship was over. I bet she even put “feelers” out to people to see if there was any interest in dating her.

In other words she slowly turned you off emotionally as opposed to just end it and suffer any emotional loss. To put it bluntly she played you.

No matter what you tell yourself about how great a person she is, she knew exactly what she was doing. I think that is one of the worst things to face after being dumped. You would never have done that to somebody else, much less the person you loved, yet they had no problem doing it to you, and worse yet they do it on purpose. You know as I go back and think about some of the times I've been dumped it makes perfect sense, and I should have seen it coming if I'd just opened my eyes to all the signs. But I, like you, am a very emotional person so it's hard to think with your head and not your heart when you're in the middle of the relationship.

Another issue you're facing is that this is the first time this has happened to you. This cannot be overlooked. I hate to say this because it sounds so …. Um….. strange perhaps but getting dumped gets easier after it happens a couple times. The thing you need to do is focus on the future. In 6 months or year or at some point you will look back with a clear head and realize yourself all the signs you missed and then hopefully become a better person for it.


but I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

She said that because it makes it sound like she's taking the blame and putting herself down while you question yourself and not her. And what have you been doing?

Again, she did it on purpose with full knowledge of the result that would happen. It doesn't help when you continue talking to her mom or her friends or her because it only reinforces that she's got you right where she wants you.


I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together...I think it is just a matter of time.

Time is a big factor, absolutely. Try running twice a day. Perhaps if you have the means take a vacation for the weekend. If not, go to a nature trail and wonder around there for a day. I don't drink a lot but maybe just getting out to a bar this weekend as something different would be a good idea. What I'm saying is try putting some new things, places, ideas, people, and surroundings in your head.


I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

Can you get a part time job perhaps? It doesn't have to pay much, just get you out of the house and doing something new. If not try to find things to fill your time with.

Here's a suggestion that's close to home actually, I came to this website some time ago seeking help. Then I started reading posts and realizing that maybe I could offer assistance to some people in need and I've become addicted. I feel great because I'm helping others, and by offering suggestions to others it only reinforces some of the actions I need to take in the future.

There is only one draw back and that is that I spend way too much time on the internet now. LOL.

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

Yeah, I can relate! Sometimes I think I'm just going to write one or two sentences and it turns into a book.

"Comments on this post
chuff agrees: I didn't realize that had happened to you Skell, you seem to be doing great in all the posts I read from you. I'd say your making progress because I didn't even realize this about you."

Thanks chuff. But it takes time. And I wouldn't go along and say I am completely over her. I won't lie. I'm not. But my life is good again without her. But time is what it takes.

That is why I especially stress the importance of taking time to yourself after a break up. I hate to see people who come here asking for advice on how to approach their new relationship when they are just a month or 2 out of a very long one.

I always recommend they don't get involved at all. It rally takes time to grieve and get over the last one. Not to mention the period when I think you need to reflect on how to make it work next time. Rushing back in doesn't give you the chance.

Thank Chuff and Skell! I appreciate all your support... I am finding this site really useful because it has really opened my eyes to things I never thought of before about my ex and our relationship together.

When you put it all like that, I think there were very big signs that she wanted out, I don't think there was much I could do even if I was to go back, the fact was, she was young and felt tied down...

I understand it, I don't necessarily like it, but I understand. It's strange though is'nt it how Love can blind what is actually going on. I went round a friends house last night and managed to avoid talking about her until the end of the night when he brought up his past relationship which ended under similar circumstances, except he was married with kids.

He said to me "I could see the signs were there Geoff, she was manipulating you, but you were smitten" he said he could see it would not last but would not and could not tell me because he could see how much she meant to me.

In a way, I am glad that this happened because it has opened my eyes up more about relationships and the positive and negative things about them.

It's kind of good though that my feelings of sadness and anger are reducing more and more as the days pass, they are not gone yet but I am sure they will.

I think if you truly love someone and they no longer want you to be part of their life, then you should let them go.. I want to accept that I will possibly never see her ever again but always have good memories of the times we shared whilst the relationship was working.

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, i.e. it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

Hmmmm - did you think there might be someone else?

I hate say this - BUT, Usually WHEN soemeone says they want to be by themselves, free etc. - someone else!!

Hi Wildcat,

It does not matter to me anymore, because if there was someone else, so be it, she was too young anyway, had not dated anyone else.

To be honest, she told me that someone in her work had asked her for a drink, so yes, she was clear that she liked him, subsequently, I found out from her brother that he turned out to be an a** who had more than one girl, if you get what I'm saying. So she has already ben burned once and although that hurts because I never wanted to see her get hurt in any way, she needs to experiment anyway and explore single life.

She told me she just wanted to be alone, not with anyone, I think what she really wanted was to date different men, have fun and do what a 20 year old should do. She said she felt tied down.. She wanted out for a while, probably 6 months like Chuff said.

The great thing about all this is that for the first time since our breakup, I am beginning to accept that YES, she was putting 'feelers' out and YES, she did want to be single and date different people. She did not necessarily want anything serious with this guy at work, but curiosity was eating at her after spending 3 years with me, the only man in her life.

The thought of her with another man does not make me feel good, but what she is doing really has nothing to do with my relationship I had with her and I am learning that loving someone is also thinking about their interests and learning to let go.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger person through all this!

I don't even feel the need or want to contact her or any of her relatives whatsoever and have not done for weeks...

Yes it still hurts, but time really is a good healer!

Sorry for the long post folks, I get carried away sometimes...

It sounds as though you are doing so well, stay strong. X

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, ie it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not!! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

This is a good point, when a relationship is about to end, others who may be interested in your ex can sense that they may not be happy, either through conversation or just by the way the person behaves. Whe I look back to the weeks running up to my split with her, there was something different about her... She looked at me differently, talked differently, I think I even sensed an aura of emotional deadness.. Not to keep bringing up the past but the guy who was showing an interest in her before the split could very well have sensed that she wanted out and used the opportunity to his advantage...

Well, he turned out to be a jerk apparently anyway, more than one girl in his life if you get my drift, so I was told.. Point is, I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..

I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..
That is exactly why you go into a relationship healthy as possible and have a balanced life to begin with. It goes a long way in seeing things in a realistic manner rather than be blinded by emotional dependency. Its one thing to be sensitive and caring and quite another to be needy or dependent. The difference can be so subtle that you may not recognise what your doing until its too late and can only get over another failed relationship. If we fail to recognise our mistakes then we will repeat them over and over until we get it right. And yes you better believe there are people who can read people who are unhappy or vulnerable and know exactly how to use this to their advantage.

Woke up last night,

In a bit of a panic, heart was beating fast, think I must have been dreaming.. wondered where she was and realised that she was not there anymore, by my side.. You know, ehn you wake up all of a sudden and don't quite register where you are or what situation you are in.

Reality kicked in.. It was a strange intense sense of aloneness! Soon enough though I settled down into a peaceful sleep..

I guess I am still going through the motions a bit. I have been thinking less of her though over the past few days though..
I still get the angry moments and the Why? Why? Why? That turn into intense sadness but then I just go for a run and try to forget it.

I find that offering help to others on here that are going through similar problems helps divert my attention from my own situation to other's. It also kind of puts everything into perspective when I hear that others are going through the same feelings.

Yeah we are all feeling the same way, so you are not alone..
I Wonder when these dreams stop... I had one(it was so real) on Friday night also and I thought I was getting better...
Yes giving advice here really helps, the are so many people in the similar situations.

I think the dreams stop or become less when you don't think so much about your ex during the day.. At least that is what I find.

It is hard for me on Sunday's, I dread them... It seems to me that I think more about it on this day and therefore because of this, I dream!

Yes I used to hate Sundays also(seeing all those couples and families together)... Now I have found a solution, I go to places where there are mostly single people. Example I go and run/walk where there are mostly people alone. This kind of helps to see that there are more people alone apart from yourself.

Hi guys, I had a dream last night too, and woke up with thoughts in my head started analizing things and couldn't sleep. I very rarely have problems sleeping too. It is hard to get rid of these thoughts and dreams at night though.

Yeah, you do wake up and realise eventually where you are and that person is not with you anymore, it's a horrible feeling : (

PS. This is a common thing about Sundays, I hated them at first, I feel generally low on a Sunday anyway, as they are quiet. I guess because it is coming to the end of the weekend, people have had fun the night before etc etc

I do ironing on a Sunday, spend time online, watch TV, get stuff ready for work, I looked at my Italian, had an early night

Yeah this is the second or third dream I have had,I have not had many at all.
This one was him coming back telling me what a mistake he made (dream on ;-))
The first dream was a dream of us having a passionate night together , this
Happened the week before it did actually occur in August.

Ok I should do some work now, and escape from dreamland.

yeah this is the second or third dream i have had,i have not had many at all.
this one was him coming back telling me what a mistake he made (dream on ;-))
The first dream was a dream of us having a passionate night together , this
happened the week before it did actually occur in August.

Ok i should do some work now, and escape from dreamland.


I'm no dream analyser or dream meaning expert but maybe it was your brain trying to cope with the loss by giving your emotions a false hope.

I read 2 books at the beginning of the breakup, 'The Breakup Buddy' and 'How To Mend A Broken Heart'. I found Kelly Clarkson's album 'Breakaway' a great help, the songs on that are great. I hope this helps people )

To be honest the real step forward came when I deleted his mobile no almost 2 months ago, if I still had that in my phone it would drive me nuts! Luckily I don't know it, I could get it, as I have an address book for work contacts, but I haven't been tempted at all. Otherwise I may still have been in the trap of sending the odd text and then beating myself up because he didn't reply.

We need to think up something really exciting for us on Sundays!

I have not got to the point of deleting number(well I know it off by heart so no point ;-)) I also cannot delete all the beautiful emails he wrote.

I must try to get that album.
I like the coldplay x+y one also

to be honest the real step forward came when I deleted his mobile no almost 2 months ago, if I still had that in my phone it would drive me nuts! Luckily I don't know it, I could get it, as I have an address book for work contacts, but I haven't been tempted at all. Otherwise I may still have been in the trap of sending the odd text and then beating myself up because he didn't reply.

We need to think up something really exciting for us on Sundays!

I deleted her number after 1 week, but the problem is, I still remember it but I fight the urge to dial it or text it and I have not done so for over 6 weeks and I'm on week 10 now, so doing well.

I can't see myself contacting her now.. She wanted me out of her life, so I am giving her that. If she really wanted to speak to me, she would call or text or e-mail..

She has not, so she obviously does not want to give me the time of day! So be it, there has to be someone out there who would appreciate me for who I am.. Someone a bit more mature who has been through what she is going through..

As for Sundays, I have a suggestion.. Cake Baking LOL:D

i have not got to the point of deleting number(well i know it off by heart so no point ;-)) I also cannot delete all the beautiful emails he wrote.

I must try to get that album.
i like the coldplay x+y one also

The x+y album is good but it can be a little depressing and if you listen to the words of coldplay music, it usually has something to do with broken love.. It is touching though..

Oh, it is also good to delete the number to prevent drunk dialling. When I go out to friends and have a couple of beers, I leave my phone at home just in case. I am a mature person but when people drink they can do silly things they regret. I am not a heavy drinker but I know from speaking to others that if you are under the influence, you may be tempted to drunk dial... NOT GOOD!

At least if it is deleted, you will think twice even if you remember it.

Yeah all the songs are nearly about broken love.. guess that's why I like it thses days.

Also I'm a big fan of ben harper these days.

Lets talk about music instead ;-)

I have always been a big Beatles fan, I think they were the foundation for most rock bands out there today and a true inspiration!

Yeah let's bake cakes and listen to music instead he he !

Any updates?

Any updates?

Updates?

Well, I have made a lot of progress since I posted this thread. Actually, thanks for asking... I don't talk much about it these days, both in my life or on here at AMHD. It took a long time to get through it all and a lot of grieving, a lot of hard work to enable me to heal. It is now over 9 months since the breakup and of course no contact with her for over 8 months. I don't expect any either, we have both moved on, well I can't speak for her but I can speak for me and hand on heart I have completely let go and that was the hardest part, letting go. You just have to do that though, its tough but it is essential to enable you to move on.

I am at a stage now where I feel ready for another relationship although I am not really in any hurry to get into another one just yet. Being single again has opened up a window of opportunity. I learned a lot from this breakup, a lot about relationships, a lot about myself too and actually in a way, I was fortunate. These things often happen for a reason.

You never really think like that in the beginning though.

You won't feel bad forever, you will remember as I do, but you will heal in time. Take it from me, I am the sensitive type of guy and I got through it and I promise you that you will too.

Take it from me, I am the sensitive type of guy and I got through it and I promise you that you will too.


I'm glad you said this because I am also very sensitive person when it come her. When I met ex I took things very slow with her because I knew deep down inside if she dumped me I would be devistated for a long, long time. With all the break ups she did with me, this is still very hurtful for me. I figure with all of them it would get easier when she broke up again. Apparently not.

I'm glad you said this because I am also very sensitive person when it come her. When I met ex I took things very slow with her because I knew deep down inside if she dumped me I would be devistated for a long, long time. With all the break ups she did with me, this is still very hurtful for me. I figure with all of them it would get easier when she broke up again. Apparently not.

Well, I think with these kind of things, however hard, it is always important to step back and look at the bigger picture. When you put this into perspective there are many things in this world happening on a daily basis which far outweigh the problem of a broken heart. It does hurt and it is a big thing in your life and how you feel is important but in the big scheme of things, it is not as bad as you perceive it to be. Obviously at the beginning, it is the only thing you think about.

That is understandable.

Life must go on though, time does not wait for a broken heart but time will give the greatest medicine to heal a broken heart.

emopunk7 agrees: So glad to hear this! But since Nov. you stopped talking about it on AMHD?

I stopped asking questions specifically on that thread in late November yes, because I had been given all the advice and support anyone could give and I wanted to act on that advice.

Actually, I did create a couple of other threads but these were general questions although had some relation to how I was feeling at the time. When you stop asking questions about your situation on AMHD, generally I believe it is an indication of positive progress. Coming to AMHD was one of the best things I did and I wish I did it initially 2 months prior to that but I was so confused and upset that asking for advice on a site like this was the last thing on my mind.

I don't really think I need to talk about it anymore because I am for the most part emotionally well again. I am happy to discuss it but there is no point on dwelling on the past.

I guarantee you that you will feel that way in time too about your situation.

Thank you Geoff! You are amazing! I can't wait to hear about your next love!

Thank you Geoff! You are amazing! I can't wait to hear about your next love!

LOL

Thanks..

I never thought of myself as amazing though.

My next love? No I can't wait for that one either but I'm going to have to.

Geoff, I just went back and reread all of this. Even though I knew about this and remember being a part of this thread going back and rereading it really hit home just how far you've come. Ironically enough I think the turning point can actually be pinpointed. November 6, 2006. The posts you wrote on that date were for the most part positive and the "ah ha" moments seemed to come on in those posts. Just reading it I could see a change taking place. As much as I was joking in Emo's thread the reality is if you want a role model or you want to get some strength then look no further then this thread. This man is living proof that you can come back and you can come back better then ever and make real life positive changes.

I never thought of myself as amazing though.


This might be the first time I disagree with you. This thread, and you road to where you are now is nothing short of amazing. Don't be bashfull now, you've earned the right to celebrate your success in this journey.

Just want to echo Chuffs words Geoff. Ive been here from beginning to present of your little journey and even from your first post when you were obviously still in so much pain, you exuded a personality type and good guy attitude that just told most of us straight away that you would be fine. In fact although no doubt still a sad experience I'm sure you will agree that what it has done for you as far as growing as a person goes has been invaluable. I know that feeling myself.

And the best part is that your still here helping people with great advice and sympathetic words that most others can't offer.

Well done Geoff. I bet you had enough of us brown noses for one day so ill get back to trying to help those that need it. Cause you sure don't anymore.

Well done mate! Wish I was at your stage now... : (

Yeah Geoff is amazing! What a sweet guy.
This thread is amazing all right when you read back on it.

You have been an inspriation Geoff, it's great to see how far you've come and how much you have helped others heal, a sign of a wonderful person. X

Thank you all for your kind words. AMHD was part and parcel of my progress and I thank it and it's members for that. Funny, but I think that it partly helped me open my mind again.

+ I never banged on so much in years.

I never banged on so much in years.

I didn't know we were helping you do that to... Wait I think bang means something different in the UK then it does in the US! :D

I do quite like partaking in some banging myself on occasions!

I didn't know we were helping you do that to......Wait I think bang means something different in the UK then it does in the US! :D

What does banging on mean in the us then or does it depend which state you live in?

I sense déjà vu.

I swear I had this conversation before with someone.

Bang means to have sex... Bang another girl... Banged her from the back... Catch my drift?

I suppose if I said I was banging more than I had ever in years, the brits might interpret that in a naughty brit way, but banging on is a bit more specific I suppose.

Bang means to have sex...Bang another girl...Banged her from the back...Catch my drift?

I know that... :p

But Banging on does not mean that.

Banging on means well, banging on basically.

Like waffling on... Like when someone is talking non stop to themselves and think you are listening and then you (not you personally) rudely say "what are you banging on about?"

But you would not say "what are you banging?" because that would not make sense and would also be an intrusion of their privacy.

Besides, I suppose it should be if used in those terms, "who are you banging?" not what..

See, this is banging on.

But Chuff said that he thinks banging means something different in the states whether it be banging or to bang or banging on.

What am I banging on about :confused:

I know that....:p

But Banging on does not mean that.

Banging on means well, banging on basically.

Yes! Geoff got lucky and is going to tell us all the details. Who did you bang and what did you bang her on?


Like waffling on....

The issues? Oh so you were banging an politician who was waffling on the issues.


Like when someone is talking non stop to themself and think you are listening and then you (not you personally) rudely say "what are you banging on about?"

Someone talking non stop to themselves. Yeah it definitely was a politian.


But you would not say "what are you banging?" because that would not make sense and would also be an intrusion of their privacy.

Besides, I suppose it should be if used in those terms, "who are you banging?" not what..

If you were banging rosie o'donnel what and not who would be an appropriate question.

In the UK would you even know who that guy is?




See, this is banging on...

Is it good for you, it is for me.


But Chuff said that he thinks banging means something different in the states whether it be banging or to bang or banging on.

Sounds like a lot of banging on about banging.

Your case is very characteristic. Something similar happent to me too. Your woman is imature and most importanly UNSTABLE. Mabey you should see the signs before and break up with her earlier!
Women are supposed to be sensitive and emotional but in the end many times they are very cruel! Many of them treat men like rubish, don't care about their feelings and play with them! Then they come back feeling sorry and apologizing, but what for; the damage is done. They heart you so much. Are they worth your sympathy, so that to heart you again later??

Your case is very characteristic. Something similar happent to me too. Your woman is imature and most importanly UNSTABLE. Mabey you should see the signs before and break up with her earlier!
Women are supposed to be sensitive and emotional but in the end many times they are very cruel! Many of them treat men like rubish, dont care about their feelings and play with them! Then they come back feeling sorry and apologizing, but what for; the damage is done. They heart you so much. Are they worth your sympathy, so that to heart you again later???

Thanks for the reply on this Andreas_111

Yeah.. You are right, I did learn a lot from this one as I keep saying LOL. The only way is up and forward after something like that and I hope the other newbies on here remember that.

It is only oneself that can prevent oneself from making positive progress.

I learned that after all this, I had more control on the situation than I first thought. Talking about the actions I took to help me heal after the breakup.

That is so key - Unstable and immature. Without the experience though would we have learnt? No. We have to see it as a blessing in disguise, a chance to grow as a person.

Geoff,

I don't know how the heck I missed this thread. But so glad I spotted it eventually. I can not even begin to tell you how happy you make my heart for being the person you are. I am not sure why, but tears with a smile, just stream down my face. I have no idea why, and probably should keep it to myself. But you as a person, and all of your healing, make me so happy. You give me faith in people once again.

I am struggling so much trying to find the words that will capture what I am feeling and wish to express.

You are just a precious human being. Oh, and the lucky one that finds her way into your heart, is just that, one lucky young lady. She'll appear when the time is right.

(…………………………………………………….) Space for the words that I just can't seem to find.

My very best to you,
Allheart


p.s. I finally did get those brownies and they were awesome! They were from you... right? :eek:

Wow, this thread keeps popping up to haunt me time and time again, in a nice way.. LOL

Thank you Allheart for your kind words, I did not realise you missed the thread. It did float into the background after a while obviously because of the progress I was making.

That's really nice of you to say all those things Allheart. :)

p.s. I finally did get those brownies and they were awesome!! They were from you....right? :eek:

Oh.. Yes, the brownies that Val gave me the recipe for. They were in a bottle. The wind must have changed direction a few times, that's why they took so long. :)

Mmm brownies sounds good! Anywhere there is chocolate and here I am!

White Rabbit!

mmm brownies sounds good! anywhere there is chocolate and here I am!

http://www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/972/90053443.JPG

It appears there's is chocalate in Florida, are you there yet?

I am going through the same thing dude but in a different way.


Read my post under:

Girlfriend-thinks-im-playing-mind-games-blew-$170,000 on her. I am 27 she is 25



Hope it continues to work for you

It's a long time since you broke up with her geoffersonairplane - how are you doing? Did you ever hear from her again?