Threads merged
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and he is the love of my life. I would do anything for him and I know he would do the same.

I found out after dating him for a few months that he had depression issues and that scared me but I knew that he was a strong person and I would be there for him.

Well, a few months went by and we moved in together, I really learned how he was. Very sensitive. I started feeling like I was walking on egg shells, and a year and a half later, here I am.

Last weekend, I walked out with a bag with no intensions of coming back except to get my stuff, and he brought up that he would go get help if I stayed, and he has yet to do it. He won't admit that he needs help unless it's to make me feel better.

When he gets mad, he punches holes in the wall and throws his phone. He gets really mad but I know he would never hurt me physically.

Same thing is going on every day. We have done counseling and I have tried leaving a few times but I am in love with him and I don't know how to get him to go get some help for his depression, what do I do?

Help!!

He needs to be responsible and help himself. If he can't do that, then you need to protect yourself and run away as quickly as possible. Love isn't worth holes or things being thrown, especially if it leads to physical violence... it's a slipper slope that I wouldn't gamble with. He either gets himself some help or you need to leave.

Sounds more like bipolar.
Stand your ground and do not move back with him. (I hope you haven't)
If he is serious and wants you back he will go for help.
You can't make him want help, you can't make him change. All you can do is tough love and that would mean do not move back.
If you have, move out again.
Your living with him is only going to give you both a false sense of everything is fine.

Sounds more like bipolar.
Stand your ground and do not move back with him. (I hope you haven't)
If he is serious and wants you back he will go for help.
You can't make him want help, you can't make him change. All you can do is tough love and that would mean do not move back.
If you have, move out again.
Your living with him is only going to give you both a false sense of everything is fine.

Well, I left for the day, I didn't move out. I have no where to go, my family is in another state except for my aunt who lives an hour and a half away. But if I go stay with her, I lose my job and if/when we get back together, I won't have a job.

You need to come up with some tough love type thing to get him to take this serious.

You need to come up with some tough love type thing to get him to take this serious.

Well, I had him crying when I told him I was leaving and he promised to get help. If I leave, it will have to be for good. But I can't see myself leaving, I am so.. in love with him.

His mom told me that she is surprised so see us still together, she thought I would have left a long time ago. The last time we were out there visiting his family, he go into one of his moods and his mom told me that the next time we come out, it needs to be me by myself, she didn't want to be around him, being like that.

I had a boyfriend who had clinical depression and dated him for three years. He was never violent and never punched holes in walls. WE did break it off, that was part of the problem I couldn't deal with, I did try though. He is fine today, he was just going through a lot back then when he was selling his house. But your boyfriend has anger issues and that is something that would bother me. Unless, he wants to get help, I would move on right now. You just never know if he would turn on you.

Will she help convince him to go to a psychologist?

Maybe try getting him a good brand of vitamin B complex
I know it helps my bf's mood a lot

He needs professional help and doesn't too me seem like he wants to get the help. You scariing him and telling him you will leave. Unless you follow through with your actions, it will mean nothing too him

Threads merged

Ok, so I have been dating this guy for 2 years and we live together.

Well, he is a total sexoholic! I use to love sex and now I hardly ever get into the mood. I feel really bad about saying this because I know how insecure guys are about their size. But he is a pretty small guy in the area. Sometimes I can't feel it when we are having sex. What do I do? I can only get off if we have a porno on at the same time. I feel horrible about this but I can't help it!

Any advice??

I know it's horrible, I feel really bad but I can't help it!!

This question was already asked: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/boyfriend-doesnt-turn-me-378277.html

Please keep all your questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate responses.

The others in that thread asked some very relevant questions that you did not respond to.

1) Why do you think he does not turn you on anymore?

2) If you're not attracted to him, why are you sticking around?

No chemistry = no relationship

You're just dragging out the inevitable.

Threads merged

My boyfriend wants to add another women in the aquation. He asked me about my fantasies and of course I opened my big mouth and now he keeps asking if I want to involve another girl and I don't think I can handle that. The thought of another girl touching my man makes me sick. So I figured, OK, he wants another girl in the picture, I will add another guy. He says that's wrong, any advice?

My advice is to let him have as many girls in bed as he wants... that is of course after you throw the loser to the curb.

This guy is perfectly okay with screwing another woman, yet he think its wrong for you to have another man? Hmm...

This seems very off to me. Basically he wants to keep you to himself yet he wants permission from you to screw around. Either you want an open sexual relationship or you don't but this double standard of his is not right.

From your other posts you are already having problems this will only amplify the problems NOT bring you closer together.

You did exactly what I would have said.
AND no it is NO more wrong than him wanting another girl in the picture.
For some reason guys don't think anything of two girls together but according to their way of thinking two guys would be homophobic or something.
Tell him you are at an impass because you are no more into the idea of another girl than he is okay with the idea of another man.

This is a common fantasy of most guys. If you have opened a door to it, I don't think you should be too upset by him wanting to explore the idea.

Maybe instead of getting upset with him and the idea, have an honest open conversation about it and tell him how you feel. If he respects you, he will drop it.

Another case of lack of communication.

Just tell him no, you won't do it, the end.

Tell him no. Plain and simple.

Never do something that you don't want to do.

If you can't add another guy to the mix then you can't add another girl.

Threads merged

How do you know when you are ready to get married?

When you are no longer asking yourself this question.

Ok, I phrased it wrong, I know I am ready for marriage, I'm just not sure when my boyfriend will be. We talk about it all the time. He never tells me when, he just says that he knows I am the one for him.

We went to visit my family back home in Oklahoma, we live in California. He is 27 and I am 22, been together a little over 2 years now. He is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. When we were there, he saw all of my friends kids and my little twin sisters and told me that he wants to have a family of his own with me soon. We are talking about getting a house together next year and we have already set up a savings acount and have saved half of what we need for a house already. I told him that I want to be engaged if not married when we get a house because that is a big step as it is. He said that he agrees and that's what he left me with. Does that mean he is going to propose in the near future?

I'm just not sure when my boyfriend will be.

My original response applies. When's he's ready he'll do it.


We talk about it all the time.

Talk's cheap. Focus on what he does.


He said that he agrees and thats what he left me with. Does that mean he is going to propose in the near future?

No, it means he agrees.

But that's got to be a good sign right?

What's with the proposing stuff, just set a date, and do it. You act like your married already, so just tell him when you want to get married, and be specific. Geez, I would put my money with anyone, unless we were married.

Well, that's the thing. We set up 2 different accounts. One in my name and one in his. He makes more than me and I told him that we should have it in both of our names in case something happens to him or me, and he didn't want to, he told me to set up my own.

Whats with the proposing stuff, just set a date, and do it.

I proposed to him before we were together for a year and he turned me down, we weren't ready and I understood that but I think it kind of hurt his feelings too. Him being the man, he wants to be the one to propose. I am not making that mistake again, lol

Oh, and another thing. He talked about at first, waiting until we have been together for 4 years, because that is how all of his brothers and sisters did it, but he wants to buy a house after 2 years, am I missing something?

But that's gotta be a good sign right?

Again, from my own experiences and the wealth of heartache and headache described everyday on this site, talk is extremely cheap. Married behavior and expectations while dating often ends in tears.


He talked about at first, waiting til we have been together for 4 years, because that is how all of his brothers and sisters did it.

That's a reasonable timeframe for really getting to know someone, in my opinion.


...but he wants to buy a house after 2 years, am I missing something?

Perhaps, at the very least it is a good deal for him if he can get you to pay for half of it without any further obligations to you on his part. He may be sincere, however given your obvious urgency to get married and prior proposal I'd probably be deliberately cautious as well, although I wouldn't be talking about starting a family soon. As Tal said, if he's truly in this endeavor, a heart-to-heart discussion with a definite timeframe set isn't unreasonable.

Am I wrong for wanting to get married before getting a house together?

Getting a house is a huge step to take for people who are just dating, I mean, we have lived together since our 3 month anniversary, so we know each others ways.

I told him that I want to be engaged if not married when we get a house because that is a big step as it is. He said that he agrees


Stick to your guns, and sign on a deed as his wife, not live in girlfriend. If he wants to wait 4 years, then you wait for two more years before you get that house.

You honor his wishes, but he must honor yours too.

Thank you for the advise.

So, I told him that I decided that if he wants to wait 4 years to get married, then we can wait until then to get a house, and now he is mad. He says that the reason he wants to get a house so soon is because of how good the market is. He says nothing about our relationship.

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I of 2 years started counseling recently to help keep the love we have for each other from going away. Anyway, the therapist wants us to go tomorrow with a list of things that we feel we bring to the relationship, and I don't know what to say. I am having a self-esteem problem and not feeling like I bring anything to the relationship. Can anyone give me advise on what the woman should be bringing to the relationship and I can see what I DO bring?

Does this help? From youngbelizeanlady.blogspot.com --

To start off, as a young lady, I have always been taught how a man should and shouldn't treat me. At the same time I was also informed on how to do my part in order to maintain a functional relationship. Which is, the ability to put equal effort into the relationship. If I have something on my mind I should be able to verbally express it, but I must also be able to sit down and listen to what he has to say. Just like I expect him to compromise on certain situations, I must be able to do the same. Basically, I must be able to do all I expect of him to do for me or the equivalent. I am there to not only be his "Woman", but also his friend and vice versa.

I think many relationships disintegrate because someone feels unappreciated, and their efforts were not being matched. Which can correlate with a communication problem. If one is unable to communicate how unsatisfied they are, how do they expect their partner to know. For example, if he doesn't say "thank you" after a back rub, I may assume he doesn't appreciate them but expects them. When in actuality, he feels that because he constantly requests them, that I will assume he likes and appreciates it. Obviously a small issue made out of nothing, all I would have had to do is ask if he liked my back rubs, then everything would be fine.

All in all, a woman's role is either equal or equivalent to a man's. If its not, then it is a one sided relationship. And in one side relationships, someone is bound to get fed up and leave.

Why do you have to bring lists?wouldn't you rather benefit from being allowed to talk about why you have low selfesteem?who s idea was the counselling?what are the problems in the relationship?why do you think you have low selfesteem?I wouldn't worry about the list.allow yourself to speak your mind.

We both have to make a list. I suggested the counseling. He has depression issues some other problems and then I have mine. I am a heavier girl and I worry about what people think of me and I have my problems. I almost left him, and then he promised to get us some help, we both know that without therapy, this relationship isn't goint to last.

I am now wondering if we need sex therapy.

You bring you into a relationship-and hopefully love understanding and wanting to make each other happy.one kind of therapy at the time I think.is your partner on medication?

No, I am. I get really bad anxiety. Another problem that we have is that when we are argueing, he likes to go out in full detail of what is bothering me, not thinking about how what he has to say is going to effect me. Me on the other hand, I have a hard time expressing myself and I give short and to the point answers and that pisses him off. When we do this, I start having anxiety and wanting to do something else to avoid the argument. It feels like we are always argueing and I hate it! I don't know what to do. Which is why we are now goingto therapy.

Either 1) He is going to propose and wants to keep the element of surprise OR
2) He wants to move forward by moving in/buying a house together without further commitment.

Not really sure if he is playing you along or does indeed have plans to marry you bust just isn't ready yet. However...

If you are ready to get married and he is not then you should probably sit down and have a serious talk about it. And then decide whether you should move on OR you can wait until he is ready? If you wait remember there is a chance that he may find that you are not the one. Personally I would not buy a house together without an engagement. That is kind of a big financial commitment without any real relationship investment.

Tell him to buy the house himself. Maybe one of his sibilings/parents can help him with that. Or he can get a roommate. Why do u have to move in and financially be responsible for a joint investment while u are not married? I think you have a gut feeling about this otherwise you would not be blogging about it.

I think therapy will be very good for the two of you-it should give you a clearer understanding of who you are and what you want from your relationship.I wish you the best of luck. Its nearly ten pm here so I ll say good night from England. :-)

That is the thing though. We already live together and as often as he tells me how special I am to him and how much I mean to him, there was a night when he told me that he thinks that marriage is just something the government wants people to do, so they can get more money from us. Then he says all the reasons he wouldn't want to get married. Even though lately he has been saying how he wants to get married to me, just doesn't know when, I can't help but to think back to that night. Ya know? Am I reading too much into it?

Thank you for the advise. I have always wanted to visit England. Lol. Goodnight

You can put a few things on paper about what you bring to the relationship. Like, honesty, loyalty, companionship and stuff. It sounds as if you two need to work on your communication differences. Write a short thing describing what your frustrations are and what changes you are willing to make. What would make communication okay for you?

He doesn't need to change completely. But then, neither do you. Get ideas from the therapist to try. Keep a journal to record what worked, what didn't and why you think so.

Well the list is just about what I bring to the relationship that makes it as GOOD as it is, not what could make it better.

I think your wise to be cautious. You want one thing and he wants another, that's a bit of a conflict. The thing is can you work through it? That's what defines any relationship. Resolving your issues through honest communication to the benefit of you both. Those couples who don't do this, never last.

Getting a house together is a really big investment, and shouldn't be taken lightly, but marriage must not be taken lightly either.

I know. I don't believe in us getting a house until we are married, am I wrong for that?

Absolutely not. Why can't he compromise with you? Ever think of it that way?

So, is it that short of a list?

And not having a good list will help them see problem areas to work on.

This is Yourself evaluation, so just be honest and let your counselor guide you through the process, just do what she says, no cheating, that's why I will have no suggestions. I can see where marriage has not happened yet though after rereading your other posts, which are being merged together.


Please keep all your questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate responses.

Well, we had a talk and he said that once he works on his depression, he wants to then focus on our future together. So until then, just have to hope for the best.