My ex and I have been off and on for 6.5 years. This time we lasted 2.5 before breaking up for the 3rd or 4th time. He broke it off because things had gotten "too stressful." We'd been having a rough year with finances, he doesn't have a car and wants to get back in school, and I'm in my last year of college. He said that he felt like I had gotten increasingly negative and felt like I was mad at him all the time. I had no idea that he felt this way and I know I've been a little out of control and I've started seeing a therapist. But at the same time I'm wondering why he didn't say anything to me about it until it was too late?

The breakup came pretty suddenly because it happened after we received notice to vacate the apartment we had been living in for the last year (landlord wants to move into the apartment). We were given 30 days to move and broke up on the 2nd day. I thought for sure that he would move his things out as soon as possible but we both weren't completely moved out of the apartment until the very last day! Also, during that time we were able to have good conversations with each other when we weren't going in circles about the relationship and even went to lunch once.

Our last conversation about the relationship was almost a week ago. I may have made a mistake by bringing it up again but I just feel like I NEED to understand. I told him that I wasn't trying to beat it to death and he said that he didn't think I was but he thought I was ignoring the fact that he thought it was best if we were apart and he thinks he made the right decision. He asked me if I thought we needed time apart and I said how I can see it being a good thing because we both have things we need to work on, but is it time apart to get over it and move on or time apart to think about what happened and work on it and get back together? I asked him if it's really over for good this time and I keep getting the same answers I've always gotten "I can't predict the future. Don't worry about if we do or don't get back together. Whatever happens, happens." But then I hear from one of his friends that he said he didn't think we'd get back together. Even then I wouldn't know what to believe because I've heard it all before.

The last time we broke up he started dating someone else within 2 weeks and they were together for 6 months. We tried to remain friends but it hurt like hell and I can't bare to think of having to see that happen again. After they broke up we went back and forth for a few months before I got sick of it and told him I was through. I started seeing someone but it didn't last long and ended badly and I called him up and told him that all I wanted was for him to apologize. Turns out he'd been thinking about me and we were together again within a month after a year of not being together. He later told me that he dated the other girl because he wanted to try something different. This proves that ANYTHING can happen.

I feel like I have to talk about the ex because it caused a lot of stress in our relationship. It wasn't that I thought he was going to cheat on me or anything, but I felt like she was trying to make herself an issue. At the beginning it was obvious that she didn't want us to be together and even got drunk at a party and tried to make out with him. He told her no and she tried the whole "I feel so guilty. If you don't tell her I will." He told me but I wasn't upset because he told her no. She eventually told him that she just wanted to be friends and hardly remembered they even dated but she would always ask him to do weird things like fix her car, vacuum cleaner, lend her money, go out for coffee on nights that I "just happened" to have class. I brought the situation to his attention every now and then but the last time we talked about it I really SPELLED IT OUT for him and told him that I wanted him to talk to her about it. He didn't understand because he says they're just friends, but he said he would. I never heard about it so I assumed that he didn't and I was upset because I thought my feelings weren't important. The night that we're breaking up she comes up in conversation and I find out that he did talk to her. But why didn't he tell me about it? The whole thing would have been cool if he'd just told me! Then we talk about it a few weeks after the breakup and he tells me that sometimes he does think that she still has feelings for him but he doesn't want to acknowledge it because she's a good friend but doesn't want to date her again.? Why isn't he telling me these things? The whole time he told me I had nothing to worry about and I wound up feeling like I was crazy and making everything up. If I could have done it differently, I would have talked to her myself because my issue was with her and not with him. I know I'm going to run into her in the near future and I plan on telling her (in an adult manner) that I have been feeling resentful towards her and that whether she was trying to manipulate the situation, I made a mistake by not bringing it up sooner.

I know our main problem is a lack of communication about our feelings (mostly on his part) and I really want to fix it but he seems so confused and I don't want to interfere and make it worse. I think I'm just going to give him some time and space but I don't know what to think anymore, I haven't seen/spoken to him in almost a week, and I'm worried that it might be over for good this time. What do I do?

Sounds to me like you are doing all the talking and he is doing all the assuming. Often I have found that when guys assume it is because then they can come up with the conclusion of what THEY wanted to do in the first place, but knew they couldn't if they simply asked.
They also tend to read things into stuff to come to their conclusions.
So basically he is sort of passive aggressively manipulating by not talking through things with you and coming to an argument on things.

I would not talk to her because then it gets back to him and he takes her side and uses that as a further excuse to be broke up.

Oh and I think he is using that *confused* routine as an evasive tactic.

He already knows that I plan on talking to her. His only response was that he wondered how she would react.

When I talk to her, I don't plan on doing it for him or the relationship. It's kind of work related because I KNOW I'm going to have to work with her on certain group projects and I won't feel OK if I'm carrying around this resentment. I'm doing it for me.

He and I are always very honest with each other. That's why I'm confused as to why he can't tell ME that "IT'S OVER FOR GOOD." I don't know why he'd be worried about hurting my feelings because I'm already hurt.

I'm not trying to disagree with everything you say, lol. This is just what I think.

It just may be that he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he does sound like he is evasive. So most likely he is only looking at IF I tell her it is over then I have to put up with drama, dealing with her going on and on about that, he doesn't want conflict etc...
OR
Sometimes guys or girls will leave you dangling so their options are open if something better doesn't work out.

It sounds to me like he's not saying that "It's over for good" because he's trying to let you down easy. You mentioned that he did say that he thought he made the right decision in breaking up. I would guess it's time to start moving on, especially if things were running so much more smoothly between you two after the breakup. That just shows how much work the relationship was to maintain. I'm not saying that to be mean in any way, but relationships can be a lot of work, but if they're too much work, it's not worth it.

Communication is huge in a relationship and it sounds like he needs a lot of work in that area. It's hard to carry on a relationship when you have no idea what the other person is thinking/feeling. And I do agree if he would have talked to you more openly about everything that was going on that you wouldn't have had to worry about everything. It's when people start to hide things that we wonder why.

Thanks for the reply Zoe. It's hard to hear, though.

What I meant when I said we were cool after the breakup is that we were carrying on as if nothing had happened. It's not like we were fighting ALL of the time. And our arguments are hardly considered arguments because they happen in a conversational manner.

I know it sounds like I'm justifying. Maybe I'm in denial. It just hurts so much to lose my best friend and I don't know what to believe anymore because we keep getting back together...

It sounds like basically he just lost interest as in looking for sparks in the relationship and didn't feel they were there so drifted away.

I know, it's hard to go through. I certainly didn't mean to hurt your feelings with that. It's hard when you're with someone so long. I've lost a best friend too. We were together for over 4 years, engaged for over 3. I could see that nothing was changing, our relationship wasn't going anywhere so I ended it. We ended on good terms. We were still OK to talk to each other and everything.

I don't regret it, it was the best learning experience. I started hanging out with friends more, joined a gym, took up different hobbies. Along the way I met my husband and now he is my best friend.

I guess I'm just telling you all this because I always like to be prepared for the worst and to wait around for someone because you're not sure if you'll get back together is really hard because you don't know how long to wait or if you ever will and that's all time that you could spend healing.

I don't plan on waiting. If an opportunity presents itself I plan on taking it. I already plan on taking a vacation in the next few weeks and when I come back I'm going to change jobs because where I work has been a big source of my unhappiness for a long time. My last year of school is about to start up again and I can't be bogged down by all of this because I want to do well and I can't wait to graduate.

I think I should touch more on what has been going on with me and my feelings. I have thought for a while now that I might have depression or some other type of mood disorder. I'm usually a pretty optimistic person but outside stresses usually bring me WAY DOWN. Lately I have been dealing with a dead-end job and I'm graduating a year late. For the past few months I know I have been really bitter and lost my motivation. It really worried him because his mother suffered from serious depression when he was a kid and he often suggested that I consider seeking help. I thought about it but I never thought it was serious enough to see someone because I wasn't suicidal. The week before the breakup I started taking mood elevators and felt good about taking a step to a better me, but someone told me that the pills I was taking affected birth control so I stopped taking them. Two days before the breakup I found a therapist I wanted to contact. Then we broke up just days before my first appointment. I told him I was already making the moves to see someone and he was glad about it, but I know that it looks like I'm doing it just to save the relationship. I feel awful that he felt like I was mad at him all of the time and taking things out on him. I didn't realize it but I know he's right, and I know he has forgiven me but I feel like he hasn't REALLY forgiven me if he won't give it another chance.

It's just so confusing the way all of this happened and I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Just back in March he was saying how he could see us lasting forever and he's not the type of guy to say the word "forever." The morning before we broke up I told him that I was thinking of getting a job on the coast after graduation and asked if he'd come with me and he said that he could probably find a good job there too so "sure." I just feel like everything that happened to our relationship didn't happen "between" us it happened "to" us.

I don't want to give excuses for him because he made a huge mistake by not telling me how he felt about important things and I know that he sees that now and is going to work on it. But I don't understand why he sees me as an extra source of stress when I just want to help.

Good for you.
Sometimes all you can do is recreate your life to compensate your losses. Sometimes it can be hard especially when you weren't the one that wanted it this way.
I hope whatever you do it all works out as blessings to you.

He runs away when things get stressful, and you should know that's his way of avoiding making decisions, so he takes the easy way out.

Make a good decision for yourself, and him, and disappear from his life, as you have wasted enough of your life on him. You can't fix the fool!

Threads merged and edited.



I'm on day 6 of NC and I don't plan on contacting him. When I get in touch with the landlord about the security deposit I plan on just mailing him his half. There is a big chance that I could be running into him in the near future because we have several mutual friends having events. What do I do? What do I say?

I keep hoping he'll change his mind and realize he's being a big idiot and I want to be the strong one and maintain NC but I'm afraid I'll crumble.

Sorry to hear your story Jamma.
Stay strong! He sounds like he treating you harshly, so don't succumb to his petty power games.
I would maintain NC and try and pamper yourself using your newfound free time (finances willing)
It doesn't sound too hopeful to me, but who knows what time will bring?
If you chase him he will run for sure, but if you are happily living man free ,your confidence and mystery will shine through and he will see that and be intrigued.
Good luck

PS Just reading threads on this website seems to be such a NonContact helper and boosts yourself confidence.

I would stay clear of those mutual "events" if I were you. Focus on your last year of studies and bettering yourself. Ordinarily a relationship that is constantly "on again, off again" for that amount of time eventually ends for good. There is only so may times you can try before you realize that this stupid pattern has to end. Sometimes love isn't enough if one person isn't willing to deal with certain issues.

If you ever see him just say hi but don't go out of your way to say "hi" just do it in passing. You don't have to be mad nor converse with him.

In the past there have been times where me and an ex had the same friends so we couldn't avoid seeing each other. I believe in the end it made me stronger and at times it did test my willpower but I survive. When I would see my ex at a friend party I kept things friendly and tried my hardest to not let him get to me. After a while it didn't bother me when I saw my ex because I had soared in my healing process.

The motions your going through regarding NC are normal and your going feel this way for a while so don't beat yourself up over it. Mailing him half of the security is a good idea. No matter what you do or how your feeling--stay strong. Don't crumble! Come here to vent whenever you need to. I am rooting for you.

I just talked to the landlord today. I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, swept, mopped and vacuumed and the only thing I asked the ex to do was shampoo the carpets because we had a cat (left him a note). The landlord said that the carpets didn't get shampooed and had to be taken out.

I'm not mailing him anything. I dare him to call me about it.
It really hurts that he'd do something like this.

Avoid any situations that you know that you'll run into him, unless it's absolutely necessary.

He didn't shampoo the carpets. He's a dirty jerk.

Be thankful you're not in a relationship that off/on again, and with someone that doesn't shampoo the carpets or keep his word! Bah!

Avoid him at all costs, he is a cancer to your life, avoid the mutual events as well.

Hang in there Jamma, its tough now but I guarantee it will be worth it and it will get better.

Threads merged, yet again!!!!

It's been a week of NC and he just IMed me on Facebook chat. I said "Hi" but I don't know if I should even be talking to him?

If you said nc you have to stick to it. You can block him or just ignore him. Or sign off chat.

He's the one that wanted to take time apart. Why is he talking to me?

Who knows. Why are you wasting your time trying to figure it out? It's not fair for you to have him saying one day he wants time apart and then the next im'ing you. You shouldn't have to waste time in limbo. He's either with you or he's not. Don't let him do that back and forth game.

What does NC mean?

No contact.

I understand where you're coming from justcurious55. But according to your post, I've already F&*Ked up. We've been doing the back and forth thing for 6.5 years, lol.

Is it just me or is almost everyone on this forum a little bit jaded?

So "go offline" and think nothing of it... don't turn it into a bigger deal than it should be. You see how much confusion has already been created.

And no, I am anything but jaded. Just try to clear confusion and make things a bit more realistic, as an objective person.

I'd leave it at 'Hi." Delete him from your Facebook chat and any other means he may have of contacting you.

He's the one that wanted to take time apart. Why is he talking to me?Probably trying to see if he still has you wrapped around his finger. Sorry to be so blunt but when someone contacts you out of the blue like that after dumping you, that's usually what it is.

I had this same situation yesterday, except my NC period had been longer. Either get offline, or tell him that you're serious about this NC thing!

In fact, why do you still have him on FB? Delete/block him! It will make your life so much easier!


Here's my thread from yesterday... maybe it will help you out some.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-nc-really-really-proud-myself-378262.html

Just because it's happened in the past doesn't mean it has to continue. Unless you want it to. But I don't see why you would be asking questions if you wanted it to continue. I go asking questions when whatever I've been doing isn't working for me and I need a new approach.

Is it just me or is almost everyone on this forum a little bit jaded?No, we're not jaded, just experienced. You see, we've all been there and done that, exactly as you're describing now. Unfortunately, conventional wisdom sort of teaches us to always give the benefit of the doubt. I know I used to always do that, even though it always went against my gut instinct. But time, coupled with some serious academic-like research on the subject, taught me to go with my gut instinct, period. It's really just common sense. After all, if someone breaks up with you, then calls you out of the blue a month later, do you seriously think it's because they want to get back with you? Do you really believe they've had a sudden change of heart? Especially after not having seen you for a month? Let's face it ; would you break up with somebody, then a whole month later suddenly have regrets and want to get back with them? Of course not ; if you wanted to be with them, you never would have broken up in the first place, right? A little common sense goes a long way in avoiding a lot of frustration and heartache.

I chatted with him for maybe 5 minutes. He started talking about school because getting back in school was something he'd been wanting to do. When I cut the conversation short and said I had to go he started asking about the security deposit on the apartment that we just moved out of. So I told him the details on that and said I really had to go and went offline.

I miss him.

I think you just answered your own question. He wanted to know about the security deposit.

I guess I'm just not sure what it is that I want.

I love him. I would love to be with him again but I am SO tired of him getting "confused" and "afraid of commitment" and whatnot. If it's going to happen again I want it to be the real thing. At the same time, I'm only 22 years old and who knows if I'm ready for the "real thing."

We've been involved off/on for 7 years and he was my best friend before we started dating so blocking him from every form of contact seems really hateful and a little childish to me. But that's just me.

Frankly, I'm surprised he even contacted me. That's a huge change.

Blocking someone that has REPEATEDLY hurt you is not hateful or childish at all. It's smart.

And don't be surprised he contacted you. It's hard for people that have led others on a string for so long to let go and give up power over them.

What does NC mean?

No contact.
Or No Control, depends on who you talk to.


He's the one that wanted to take time apart. Why is he talking to me?
Don't question it. Just make a decision and stick to it so he knows you mean business.

Frankly, I'm surprised he even contacted me. That's a huge change.

Change?? He wanted to know if he has some cash coming. Does he?

Originally Posted by JAMMA25
He's the one that wanted to take time apart. Why is he talking to me?

Your question.

When I cut the conversation short and said I had to go he started asking about the security deposit on the apartment that we just moved out of.

Your answer.

Well, thing is, he already knows he's not getting any of the security deposit. I was the one who paid the first month's rent and security deposit because I had the cash up front and he paid me back by buying furniture, groceries, etc. When we talked about the security deposit the week we moved out he said that he wasn't worried about it and that I could keep it. PLUS, he never helped me clean. SO he's not getting anything.

He ended that part of the conversation with "Well, I guess I just wanted to make sure the landlord knew where to send it."

Resuming NC. I guess this makes it day 2 instead of day 9?

The Incubus concert we were planning on going to was last night. He went with a bunch of our friends. I stayed home and had my own private concert.

It does get better with every day but I just have this feeling that the next time I see him all of the old feelings are going to come flooding back.

I hope he was at the concert and every song reminded him of me.

I've been around on the site but haven't been posting very much. Not much has changed around here. Still going no contact. It's been about a week since the ex contacted me through Facebook asking about the security deposit on the apartment we shared. I kept the conversation very short.

We didn't get the deposit back but we did get the extra rent money for the month that was owed so I'm about to run to the post office and mail him a check. THE CHECK ONLY. NOTHING ELSE.

Monday night I had plans to go to the bowling alley with some friends. I was hesitant about going because we have A LOT of mutual friends and I knew that is where he has been going for the last few weeks. I decided that I was going to go anyway because I haven't had a Monday night off in a long time and it was quarter night at the bowling alley. SO, I straightened my hair, bought some short shorts and a cute top and felt really good about myself and went... but he never showed. Don't know if he knew I was coming or what. I was disappointed, but I was still determined to have a good time.

Until one of his friends called... This friend is someone that I haven't liked in the past. He is a needy, attention seeker with no social boundaries that makes everything about himself. It really bothered my ex that I didn't like him and it was one of the stresses in the relationship that my ex referred to in the "breakup conversation." Towards the end I tried making amends with this friend and even though the ex and I were broken up, this friend and I were trying to mend fences.

So the friend called to check up on me and see how I was doing. He was out of town and wanted someone to talk to. We were able to have a good conversation for MAYBE 15 minutes before he started volunteering all of this information about my ex that I didn't ask for: "the break up is starting to hit him and he feels really lonely. He loves you so much but he still thinks he made the right decision. He just doesn't know where he's going in his life and needs to get himself together." But he said that the ex has told everyone that has asked that he wouldn't get back together with me under any circumstances. It hurt so much to hear that, considering that my ex told me something different. My ex said that he didn't know if we'd get back together because he couldn't be sure what would happen in the future.

This friend also told me that the ex has been saying that he wishes people would hold him accountable for things and not let him get away with sh*&, be there for him and help him reach his goals because he feels like he's not getting anywhere in his life. The friend also told me that the ex wrote a private note on Facebook (I can't view it) and tagged 5 people in it (including the ex girlfriend that caused so much sh%$) saying he wanted them to be there for him while he tried to get his together and quit smoking.

I GOT SO PISSED! He used to tell ME that he loved me so much because I was the one person who would tell him what I really thought about him. He used to tell ME that he loved me because I kept him motivated. I did SO much for him. I was the one that suggested he major in recording technology because he loved music and electronics. I was the one that bought him the $400 microphone for his birthday. I was the one that supported the both of us financially for TWO MONTHS when he was working for his mother and she couldn't afford to pay her own son. AND I only work part time and was going to school full time. When he dropped out of college for a year and wanted to get back in school, it was ME that kept reminding him to fill out the FAFSA. What the hell? And he wants his FRIENDS to be there for him? The friends that weren't around when he needed them the most? The friends that leach off him because he is the only one that has any potential out of all of them?

Why is it that people can't see the things other people do for them? Why can't he see that it was me that was always there no matter what. I never asked for anything, but I want to be appreciated! Why is he using all of these bad friends to replace me?

I was so mad at this point that I almost went into a rant on the phone with this guy but the phone cut out. When I was able to charge my phone I had 2 voicemails and 4 text messages from him. At first he was apologizing saying that he was so upset for telling me those things and getting me upset but as I read the text messages he started to say that I had no right to be mad at him because he was just being honest with me and saying that if people can't be honest with each other then there is no hope in the world for him and if he made me hate him then he just doesn't know what he'll do with himself. Really? Trying to guilt me into calling you back? HELL NO!

So I never called him back and he's been trying to get in contact with me for the last 2 days. I don't know what he's up to. I don't know what his motives/intentions are. He is more my ex's friend than mine and I don't really think he is a very good friend to the ex. I think (and a lot of my friends think) that he forced himself into our relationship and really doesn't want us to be together. It sucks because I know that this guy is the one my ex has been talking to and taking advice from. I can only hope that my ex opens his eyes soon and sees that this guy is no good.

From what I have heard, I'm almost glad that my ex is feeling lonely. That means he misses me, right? He hasn't called and I almost don't expect him to. At least not for some time. But it feels good to be missed. He is quitting smoking (it bothered me that he smoked because he is a musician/singer like me) and he is registering for classes this semester. I'm glad that he is finally getting somewhere in his life because he has been unhappy about it for a long time.

I just wish I could be there for him and we could be together.

Maybe my posts are too long.
Maybe my story isn't interesting enough.
But no one on here seems to comment very much.
I wouldn't be writing if I didn't want someone to respond.


All right. No advice yet.
I'm pretty much giving up on this site, then.

Jamma, chill out. We are here to help, we just have different schedules. Give us some credit, and give us some time to help and we will.

So your ex is lonely... so what? His friend is the one calling you, not him.

My advice (and don't get bitter): you are still VERY emotional over this whole thing and you need a bitter slap of reality. Luckily I am feeling frisky. Do NOT EVER answer your phone again when the d-bag friend calls. As a matter of fact, change your phone number or block his number. That is drama you don't need.

Secondly, get your own act together. This is OVER... period! Treat it as such. Take time for you, do things that make you happy and for God's sake realize that you are a loving, caring and special woman that will find the right person IF you allow this to happen and allow yourself to let go. It takes time, but it is well worth it in the end.

Rather than giving up on this site full of STRANGERS who have NEVER met you but take their time to help you, give up on what isn't realistic, which is you and him being together. Pick up your sorrow, your pity and yourself confidence and get yourself together.

KC said it.

And you said this guy was more like a friend of your ex's? I wouldn't bothet to answer the phone if he calls you back. There's no reason to be talking to him. Sounds like you don't care for him anyway.

I read your whole post enthralled. You write very well. Not that it's comforting but it IS something few have a real knack for.

Let me tell you one thing from one girl to another, if you can fit your booty into some short shorts and look good, you shouldn't be hurting for a man. You can either laugh at that or think I am horribly shallow, but I am hoping for the former.

I have never understood why friends do that thing where they DECIDE to inform you all about your EX without you asking how they are. They must assume you need to know. It's very obvious that you still care a great deal about this guy. You went to the bowling alley with the thought in there somewhere that you would see him. Was that half the reason you went?

It's time to start letting go of this relationship and moving on with your life. I know it's a lot easier to put into a sentence what takes months of hard work. But you sound like a strong mature woman. Off and on again is no way to love your romantic relationships. Find a real man, who will appreciate your support and concerns. God knows there are enough of them out there who could use a good woman. Half of them are too dense to know where to look. (Shut up guys you know it's true.) Start living this one life you get for YOU, The sooner the better. If only my whiney girlfriends showed half the integrity and strength you sound like you have they would all be so much happier. You should give yourself to have it. You are certainly capable.

Why would you even put any stock into what a guy you don't like says? For one you don't need his attention and for another, admit you were disappointed because he didn't see you in your shorty shorts, so he could eat his heart out. Oh well, you should have had fun, which was why you went, instead of mending fences with his friend. That's not the way to move on.

Learned about the facebook/myspace/twitter thing the hard way.

Just got back from a girl's night. Was feeling all empowered and wanting to call the ex and tell him off and say that I put up with so much crap that I shouldn't have and I wouldn't stand for that anymore because I command respect and I have standards. But I wasn't going to contact him because I'm in NC.

Then I get on my twitter and his status reads "The surrealism continues and life goes on more amazingly than ever planned."

I stopped following him on twitter immediately.
I want to slit my wrists and shoot myself in the heart.


I just want to remember how angry I am right now. I want to vent on here, but I'm so tired that I think I'm just going to go to bed.

Day 19 of NC.

I'm having a hard time. Sometimes I feel OK, but this morning I've been having anxiety attacks off and on. Every now and then I get thoughts that I'm never going to hear from him again. He's not going to call. He's not thinking about me. He doesn't miss me. He's having the best time with me not in his life. Maybe seeing other girls including his ex that caused so much drama in our relationship...

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

And then more drama. I had a dream yesterday morning that woke me up around 5AM. I couldn't go back to sleep and I wanted to remember how I was feeling so I wrote it all down. I made it a private note on Facebook and tagged 5 of my close girlfriends. The next time I check Facebook is three hours later and there is a comment... from his MOTHER! I didn't tag his mother! It is then that I realize that the note isn't private at all!

I deleted the note immediately and called his mom. I told her that there was some confusion because I didn't tag her. She understood and said that at least she was able to help me see that it wasn't private and could delete it. I told her that I would appreciate it if she kept it to herself because I didn't want the ex to know. She said that she would and she said that they don't talk about me because we're both hurting too much for that kind of conversation. I told her that I felt like I shouldn't be talking to her because I didn't know if I could trust her. She said that she understood but she also said that just because she loves her sons doesn't mean she always "LIKES" them. What the hell does that mean? She also told me that her comment on the post said that our subconscious has a way of telling us things and she thinks I'm doing the right thing for myself by moving on. It hurt to hear that from her because I was never really sure if she wanted me to be with her son or not... but I just let the comment go.

Anyway, the post was up for 3 hours before I could delete it so I have no idea if he saw it or if one of his friends saw it or told him about it or if he didn't see it at all. Here is what the post said:

This is a private note. You ladies are the only ones that can see this. I tagged you because I trust you and want to share this with only YOU.

I just had a dream that got me OUT OF MY BED and has me typing this at 5:30 in the morning. I want to remember this dream and what I am feeling so I have to write it down. I want to remember this dream for the rest of my life.

August 2nd 2009

I just had a dream. This dream woke me up from a deep sleep. I did not cry after having this dream, though I might be having an anxiety attack right now.

In my dream me, the ex, a mutual friend, a girl I hardly know from high school, my roommate my freshman year of college, and a bunch of strangers were riding a bus. I don't know where we were going but we were on a bus. I don't know if the ex and I were together or not, but at some point the girl from high school tells me that the ex has been secretly seeing my roommate. I asked him if it was true and he didn't deny it. He actually didn't say anything to me at all and seemed a bit cocky <~~ I don't think the ex would actually act this way in real life.

All of a sudden we are some place else. It looked like it could have been his mom's living room, but smaller and arranged differently. Only the ex, the mutual friend and I were there. I'm still confronting the ex about the roommate, trying to tell him what a no good, selfish brat she is but he isn't listening to me. He doesn't care. I can't remember what all he said but it seemed like she was everything that I wasn't (even though all of those things were not good qualities).

Weirdly enough, it came down to physical strength. He was telling me that she was a little chubbier than me but she could lift him and bench press his weight. I picked him up off the couch and lifted him up over my head. I got on the ground and actually bench pressed him. I threw his scrawny up in the air and CAUGHT HIM.

He was surprised. Maybe even impressed. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough.

I put him back on the couch and went into a RAGE. I yelled and I screamed (something I haven't really done in real life, but probably should have). I told him that he was being a stupid * * * * * * * . I tried to get him to see all of the things that I have done for him and to get him to understand that I did it all because I loved him. I tried to get him to remember all of the good times that we had. There was a TV playing behind me and I saw the ex's eyes shift to it (I don't think he would ever really do that, either), but it was so disrespectful that I slapped him and grabbed him by his face.

"You look at me when I'm talking to you. I am tired of this. I put my whole heart and soul into you and our relationship and, somehow, it just doesn't matter to you. I would have gone above and beyond for you. I would have taken a bullet for you. If you would have stayed with me I would have tried my damnedest to make all of your dreams come true. THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS. But I can't help you see that."

"One day, you will realize how much I did for you. One day you will be lost and alone and you're going to think of me and wish I were there. But I honest-to-GOD hope that I won't be there for you because as of this moment I don't want to be. When that day comes, you better pray that I am in a forgiving mood because today I don't want you anymore. I don't even want you in my life anymore. I don't need someone in my life that is going to leave me not because I did anything wrong. Not because we weren't right for each other. But because you want something or someone new. You don't know if being single or this "person" is necessarily BETTER than me, but it is NEW."

"I'm sick of it. I'm not going to let you do this * * * * to me anymore. When the day comes that you realize you've made a mistake, you're going to want me back. I don't know where I'll be, or how I'll feel, but on that day you are going to have to prove yourself. You are going to have to prove how much I mean to you. You are going to have to prove that you love and appreciate me and that you want me to be happy NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know how you can do this. I don't know what it will take. But when/if it happens, I'll think about it. I'll think LONG AND HARD. I don't know what the outcome will be but YOU BETTER PRAY."

"But until that day comes... I DON'T GIVE A * * * * ."

I really hope that I can live up to the strong, powerful women that I was in this dream. I have a history of being weak and not getting angry when I should have. I hope that when this day comes (and I really hope it does) that I will be strong enough to not take crap when I know that I deserve more.

Now I'm going to watch the sunrise.

Do I have anything to be worried about?

I'm so confused. I want to be strong and stand up for myself but I still want him to call...