I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now. I am 42 and he is 47.
Although I feel that he really likes me, he has never said that he loves me.
We are not in our 20s I know but I feel I am falling for him plus he has never done anything that makes me uncomfortable and he is a real gentleman.
Should I be concern?
Thanks,

Some people have difficulty moving on with love. I believe from experience that it is possible to move on from a person, but not from an emotion. If he has had a significant relationship in the past, it is entirely possible that he did once believe that the person he was with was 'the one' and told that person many times that he loved them. To get over that relationship probably took a long time, and he probably never believed he could love anyone again. We all know however, that you can.

My advice would be to give him time. He no doubt has feelings for you given that you've been together longer than a casual fling would last, so enjoy it for the moment and if in another 8 months or so he has still not said the words you want to hear, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Hope that helps.

Judytal whatever the reason is he isn't saying he loves you, don't worry about. It's different when your in your 40's people tend to take things a little slower. Enjoy the relationship right now. There are probably many reasons he is afraid to say those three words, when the times comes and it's the right moment , he will say it. I know myself I am in my 50's and as we get older, its not like when we are in our 20's you tend to look more for companionship. I know I do, I have been hurt plenty of times, and it wouldn't be that easy for me today to spill out those words. Good luck and enjoy each other.

My boyfriend was not one to say "I love you". He said he never said it to his ex girlfriend that he dated for 1.5 years. He said that he's not going to say it if he doesn't mean it.
Lucky for me, he started saying it within the first month, so now I know he means it. It's been two years and he's still saying it.

Slow down some will you?

7 months barely is enough time to scratch the surface of knowing how you feel, let alone know how he feels, so give this time before you start getting so in love, you miss the whole point of dating, to have fun getting to know each other, and can this go further?

Let it develop, don't force it, as neither of you is that old.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn!!

Some people never say they love you
But actions speak louder than words

I don't think you should be concerned. You should be, however, enjoying yourself, enjoy this time of the relationship. Love takes time to grow and develop.

If your relationship is exclusive and a sexual one, it is difficult to not speak the words and to not hear them... just from my experience.

Well, I am back. (I had this question before https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/he-never-said-he-loved-me-373783-new.html )

It has been a year now. I listened to your advice and didn't push anything and tried to enjoy the beautiful thing that I had (and still have) with him. He is still sweet and caring and kind yet not saying anything about love.

Yesterday, I asked him how he feels about me and he said that he is fond of me. I said, that means you don't love me but you don't want to say that and he said this is nothing that cheers you up.

Well, we talked about it. He said he likes me and I am special to him but he doesn't feel all of the sparkles and excitement of being in love. He said I feel that I have been married to you for 10 years already and maybe we are too compatible. He also said he has never had to change anything in his life for me and he has never had a challenge and we got along so easy and so well and maybe that is the reason he hasn't feel the spark. I asked him if he has ever felt that way about any woman and he said no.

I told him that it is very important to me to be in a relation with someone who loves me and I will never stay in a relation if I know that person wouldn't love me back but that is not something we ( I) can force to happen. He said he cares about me and I am close to perfect and he knows I am all he needs and maybe if he feels he is losing me that makes him realize what he has and what he will miss if I am not there.

He said maybe if we don't talk everyday or if we stop seeing each other for a while, maybe that helps
But when he was leaving me he said, anyway, I will call you tomorrow.

Ok, I think you know the rest... it is pretty typical.

I asked him to make a list of all he wants and see if he can find them in me. Also I asked him to talk to someone (which I think would be his friend. I don't think he would seek a professional help) and I will do all I can to help him to find his true answer.

My question is what should I do? I know you might say give him some space but what if he calls every night as he did in the past year. All of my friends believe that he loves me because all he does is perfect. All of his friends and family also like me and we seem to be just lucky to be together.

Is it possible that he just don't know what he wants or I am scared and trying to deny he doesn't love me.
Not doing anything and let him find himself is also a way but again he said I have never forced him to do anything and maybe that is the reason he felt that way.

I am lost again.

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story

Sounds like it's becoming a one-way relationship.

You're willing to put in the effort to make it work, but he's drifting away. Giving him time and space would confirm that he rather not work on the relationship with you, but rather go do this own thing.

If your feelings for one another is not on the same page after 1 year, then maybe you're better off going your separate ways and finding someone else that feels the same way about you.

I think he cares a lot, but maybe your so available he is taking you being there for granted.

Back up, and make surer your life is balanced, with a lot more things than him, and his needs.

He shouldn't be the only thing you have going for you that makes you happy. And he should maybe miss you some, and show he cares by chasing you.

Mind you I didn't say cut all contact, and see what he does, but miss a few calls, or not respond right away, or have something else to do besides his laundry, small things like that.

That gives you both time to evaluate your feelings for one another, without ultimatums.

Your boyfriend seems like a very honest and caring person. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to tell you how he feels, but he respected your feelings enough to do it.

I think that time away from each other will give you a better perspective.

Do YOU love him? Are you 'in love' with him? Have you expressed your feelings to him? or have you just asked about his feelings...

Sometimes later in life, people just get LAZY.:rolleyes: and comfortable thinking it's always going to be there.

It's still less than a year, maybe he's slow:D;)

May I take a slightly divergent approach to this question?

Perhaps you both have different ideas of what love means. He has, by his own admission, never been 'in love'. He clearly feels comfortable with you, you're compatible and he cares about you a great deal.

Your concept of love is something more visceral, passionate, romantic even, and I think it's getting in the way of you having a good relationship.

Nowhere in your post do you say whether you love him or not, and yet the relationship hinges on his declaration of love for you.

Do you feel the 'sparkles and excitement' of being in love with him? It may be that you don't and so the feeling isn't reciprocated.

This sounds like a dream relationship to me - he's kind, considerate and everyone thinks you're good together. I don't think that you should force him to do anything, but I do think that you might create some sparkle between you.

Don't be available on a daily basis, flirt with him a little when you see him, make your outings special, text him romantic notes (occasionally) - begin to create the energy of excitement and who knows, the dynamic may begin to change.

Don't be passive and don't throw away a great relationship simply because he isn't saying the words that you want. His actions speak for themselves.

Thanks everybody,
You have no idea how helpful you are to people like me that are a bit perfectionist and are worry about everything. I was almost immobilized in the past 2 days.
I do love him. I have been only with 3 other man in my life and he is totally me. I told him several times that I feel he is a male version of me. Things that we do, things that we say are very much like each other. We share great deal of our values which is very important to me. At the early stage of our relation, I stopped telling him my opinion because I was thinking he speaks my word just to please me but it was not that. He thinks a lot like me. And this is what he is also referring.
I told him that I love him 2 days ago when he said he does not. It was between my cries and I told him, I am sorry to tell you this now and I hoped it was a better day to say that. I was actually waiting for him to say it first because I didn't want to force him to do anything. I was thinking if I say that I love him, he might get scared about what I expect him to do after that (which I also told him the same day).
I have started thinking about not being available (in a sweet and not angry way) and also thinking about asking him to do some stuff “for me” because it makes me happy.
I also am looking for some fun and sexy gift for him for Christmas like some games or a couple massage.
He called me last night and asked me 3 times in 15 sec conversation “how are you?” I told him that I am talking to my dad and have to hang on on him.
I do see sparkle with him that to me translates to “peace”. I told him couple of weeks ago that I just remembered it has been a long time that I haven't cry. He said “what? Time for a good cry? ” and I said “no, you don't make me cry and you always protect me and I am thankful and lucky to have you.”
I also told him 2 days ago that I will do whatever I can think of to work this out because this is the meaning of being in a committed relationship to me. I am committed to make this relation work.
I have to be more creative. I will.
He just sent me this message: “Hey. Good morning. I understand if I'm not high on your list of people to talk to, but I'm here if you need. “

It sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you, but does not love you the way that would make you happy.

It sounds like a one-way relationship if you are the one saying you will do whatever you can think of to work "this" out.

This sounds like one of those relationships that could benefit from you spending more time on yourself. I don't really recommend "not making yourself available" as a strategy, because if you're doing it to make him more interested, then it's still the same problem--all your focus is on him. I've been in those relationships where a woman was "too available." What would have really made me happy would not have been her pretending to be hard to get, but if instead she had a passion or interest of her own that resulted in her having some independence. Perhaps playing hard to get can trigger the same result, but in my opinion it will be forced and is much more difficult to maintain, as it will be a front. Once you start to feel comfortable again, you'll probably revert back to an old pattern. But if you genuinely develop something in your life that holds your interest, you won't have to pretend at it later on. And I'd bet he'd become more interested in you. As it stands right now, it sounds like all of your energy is on trying to make him like you more, which is impossible, when my guess is it would be better served spent on things that make you like yourself more. Once you have that going on, you'll find you're less worried about whether he "loves" you, because you'll know that if he doesn't, there's someone else out there who will.

Having said all that, I also wonder about the man. Your descriptions of his responses sound like someone who cares but doesn't know how or isn't willing to play the role required to be your partner. Relationships require equal effort, and that sometimes means doing things we're not dying to do or say in order to maintain them. Sounds like you're already doing that too much, and he's not doing it enough. Do it less. Give him space to do it a little. See what happens.

Hello all,

It was one of “those” days. I cried almost all the time. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go to sleep till morning. I went to my Yoga dance class but cried (all secretly) over each move. Went to my dentist and picked the wrong DVD to watch (Traveling to Italy) and cried over all the scene with a boat in it (he is really into boat and we had a plan to buy one), passed our brunch place and cried, went to Home Depot and felt him there and cried, came back home and gosh, it is hard. It hurts too hard, too deep

He called me last night (he always does ever night) and we talked for an hour about some workout routine and our day at work and then he said he talked with his friend about this issue. He just said that he has to go and read a bit about friendship, love and fluctuation. I told him it is good hat you have your friend to talk to specially because he is not a type of person that just says “yes, you are right”.

This friend and I have never met. He said his friend told him that he has to stop pretending and pleasing other people all the time and start being more of himself. (I crashed there... he was pretending all the time? Is it a chronic issue? How can someone pretend to be that close, that sweet, that good... and well, I didn't say anything).

I told him about this website but didn't say any detail (he didn't ask too). He said, he has to think and study and find what he wants because “as you said, this is not fair to you”. (Now, I am thinking, this pain is not fair too. This pretending was not fair too.) I asked him “do you think there is a possibility that we can't work this out” and he said there is always a possibility and if I can't then it is not fair to you. You are special. Then immediately said “am I sending double messages?” And I said yes. He said he is sorry although I am special and it is very good that we can communicate like that.

It was about 11 pm and he said we will talk about this more tomorrow, do you want me to call you tomorrow? I said “do you want to call? You have to stop pleasing me and look what you want. Call me if you want and I will talk to you if I feel I'd like to talk.”

He send me an IM today wishing my teeth does not hurt. (I didn't said my heart is in pain, my veins are in pain and I can't believe myself like this. I also am having my PMS and I know this is a big part of it as well.)

I was thinking I should tell him not to talk about this at least till end of the week because I am too emotional to think straight. I feel more energetic in the mornings (that is the time I get angry at him why he pretend and in the afternoon I am so down that can think, I should ask him to just stop this here, pretend we didn't have this conversation and we will back in 2 months.

Maximilian4073: I think I do have other interests that a normal woman at my age has (excluding shopping and eating chocolate!). I do work full time (I am an IT manager in a public company), do exercise regularly, go to dance class, make cards (scrapbooking), do photography (not professional), go to art galleries and read books, I do have my circle of friends and am really an active person. I follow the world news and love cooking. However, I do work 9-5 and usually don't go out every night (neither does he) that is the reason I am available at 10 pm when he calls every night.

We see each other every weekend, at my place or at his but since I live downtown, we usually stay here. And yes, I plan to be with him every weekend but if he is not around I do have stuff to do.
Is this what you mean by having a passion by my own.

But him being a priority in my life, that is correct. I have so much fun with him but I am sure he knows I do have a life for myself as I even had before him.

We met on-line maybe that is the reason. I still think he wants to feel that excitement and I didn't make it happen maybe because I was always there and maybe because he didn't win me ( It took me 8 months and 900 profile to pick him and I was the second person on he met on-line. I told him at that stage if he wants to wait to see if he finds someone else since I was the second woman he met but he said this is like lottery, it is not about number of try, it is about luck).

But on the other hand he also thinks as I said to him that if he does not “love” me it is not fair to me to be in this relation.

And one more thing, I thought about what I mean by “him being in love with me”. To me it means,
1)being happy to be with me,
2)picking to be with me over %75 of the other people,
3)not looking for another opportunity to have another woman in his life
4)and see me in his future.

I “think” he has 2,3 and 4 but I think number 1 is a bit of problem here. I am not looking for excitement, I am looking for peace but he is.

Having said that, I didn't share this list with him.

You are way to emotionally invested for an 8 month relationship. Not to be harsh, but you expect a lot from some one who is a stranger, still learning you, and your ways, and unless you get a better balance in your life, and more realistic view of where this relationship really is, then your setting yourself up for failure here.

Frankly speaking your way ahead of yourself, and really do need to stop the pressure, and have a lot more fun getting to know each other.

Stop pushing so hard with your passive aggressive approach. I think relaxing, and enjoying what you have, is much better than crying over what you want, but don't have.

What's your hurry any way?

Wow, you pushed hard for sure but I appreciate it.
I think the part of knowing myself better in this site is showing up.

I expect a lot, maybe. Now that I think twice, I see that I was shocked why he didn't love me. Maybe because I think everyone should love me. Maybe because I haven't failed almost anything in my life that involved only my presence and effort and I obviously failed some of those that involved other people around me.

Maybe because I thought if I love too much and too hard, there is no way for the other person not to love me back. Now that I think about the event 3 days ago, I see I was shocked why he didn't love me and immediately I started pushing and threatening him by saying I will leave if you don't love me.

What is my hurry anyway?
It maybe is cultural (I am from the other side of the world). It maybe is the feeling of not being complete if I am single.
It maybe is the feeling of being alone. Maybe I am not scared of losing him but scared of being alone.
Maybe because I think I am 42 and I should find a mate asap.
Maybe it is my mom who is living by her own for 22 years now and keep saying that I should find someone otherwise I will end up like her. My dad does it silently too.
It maybe is to prove that I am lovable.

Gosh, you really pushed it hard.

I couldn't see the passive aggressive part. Could you please show me that.
And I know this is probably irrelevant now but we have been to gather for more than a year.

It sounds like you are beginning to accept your situation. There is no way you can understand why your boyfriend doesn't say "I love you" because you are not him. So rather than worry over things you cannot change, just enjoy being with him.

I think airing out your baggage in here is the best solution. If your boyfriend has difficulty saying "I love you" then he has his own baggage to sort out. He definitely doesn't need your spillovers.

Maybe because I thought if I love too much and too hard, there is no way for the other person not to love me back.




I was shocked why he didn't love me and immediately I started pushing and threatening him by saying I will leave if you don't love me.




It was about 11 pm and he said we will talk about this more tomorrow, do you want me to call you tomorrow? I said “do you want to call? You have to stop pleasing me and look what you want. Call me if you want and I will talk to you if I feel I'd like to talk.”



Your entire post has examples of you expecting certain actions from him, after you have given him certain signals. The result is your creating a climate within yourself that disappoints you when he does not give you specifically what you want.

Never mind he is going too slow for you, but your attempts to speed up the natural development of communications drives your actions even further, and prevents you seeing any progress whatsoever. Hard to develop a bond or common grounds for good communications that way.

This was what I told him last night when he called.
“When you told me you don't love me I got shocked and upset probably because I was thinking how on earth can someone not loving me and that was selfish.
But when I told you I will leave you, I emotionally abused you and that was totally wrong.
I am sorry and apologize.
I would take all my words back if I could because seems I still don't know myself so how I expect you to know me in a year and more over love me.
Although it is still your choice if you want to see me or not, I think I need some time to work on my issue myself.”

He said some nice things but also said he did read a bit about love, lust and infatuation and if that is love, he has some of them with me but he also has same feeling for other people like his son. He also said he is happy that we can still talk open like that ever after that “gray-Saturday”.

We canceled this week Christmas party as he said he is not ready for that and I agreed.

I got a book today and went on-line to read more about passive aggressive disorder. I will do more research and reading. I have never though that the way I talk/act is categorized as a disorder. I won't propose seeing each other this weekend. Need some time to myself.

He called tonight and it was like our old nightly talk.

I thank you all for your help. This could be one of those dramatic events in our relationship but you all helped me to stop it with less damage. I know I still need help but I feel a load has lifted and at least now I know where I should look.

Any new feedback is appreciated.

I think you're on the road to gain major insights about yourself which is great. You should be doing this for you,but if your relationship benefits from it that's good.

Yes, it sounds like you're taking the right steps in taking some time for yourself. I wouldn't be too hasty to label yourself as having a disorder. Everyone has shades of different behaviours, including passive aggressiveness. Consider it more about getting in touch with some aspects of yourself that perhaps you hadn't been paying attention to previously and see what you find out.

The road to full self awareness is a lifetime journey, (so you may as well enjoy it)

Thanks everybody.
I will keep you posted. Hopefully I come back with less trouble :)

Ok, I am back (same amount of trouble!) . I need to know what is it when I have to “back off”.

He still calls me every night. Type of the calling that h just wants to make sure I am OK and keep the friendship part alive, which is nice. Last night he asked me what is my plan for today and I said no special plan. I asked him if he'll go to the Christmas party alone and he said no, unless you want us to go and I said no. He said so I will call you when I get home tomorrow which was our talk when he wanted to come here every weekend. I said OK.

He called me tonight (I know he wanted to come even said I have to bring you those DVD but I said nothing and he said nothing) We talked a bit about his workplace that everybody was mad at him why he is not going to the Christmas party. He said one of his friends at work joked that you can come as my date if you want (she has a boyfriend but he is out of town and she had to go to the party alone, nothing between them) . I asked him what does she know about us? Why she thought you can be her date? He said he just told her that we wanted to go together before and now we have some “marital” discussion and we thought it is better not to go there.

I said OK, just curious what you told her.
I told him, When you don't talk to me, I understand that you might not even know what you feel but I also feel I am in dark and it makes me anxious. I wish you could share your feelings and thoughts with me so I can grew up with them gradually and they would be less surprise for me.

He said sometimes I even don't know what I want but I don't want to tell you because what if the feeling goes away, what if it is not a permanent feeling, then I'll hurt you.
I told him I appreciate it but if we talk at least I know where we are and that is better for me even if things don't go as we wish.

He told me what I want might not be the thing you want. Like I want to see you “once in a while” or go to movie with you or go on a trip but I think emotionally we are not in-sync. Last thing I want to do it hurting you.

He said he'll give me a call tomorrow to talk more. I said we can also meet and talk.

Now, my question is, what I want? I know it is kind of silly but what I really want? I don't know. Do I want his friendship? Yes, I do but how I know deep down this is what I want?

When I said I need to back off, where is the line for it? Meaning I should not talk to him? Should not see him? If he wants to come here I should say no? Should I share my emotions? Should I propose not to see /call each other for a week?
Thanks,

p.s. Hopefully I didn't act passive-aggressively again/a lot. I read a bit about it. I think I don't have the disorder but I do have some signs especially the passive ones and I think lots of my doubts are coming from that. I also read a bit about being more assertive and I am trying to be more assertive to myself. Gosh, I can hid my emotions even from myself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. When certain things don't go well, we tend to take full blame and this also affects our self esteem. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you really don't mix well together. Maybe with another guy you won't be passive aggressive. Certain people act Certain ways with Certain people. So, just mark this as one more out of the list and give yourself a fresh start. Just let this guy go. Good luck!

I agree with Emo to a point, as he is right about the way certain people click, and some do not click as well.

I think you draw the line at your availability to him, and balance your life with other people, places, and things, that you enjoy.

This will cut down on the confusion, and give you a healthy perspective to this situation.

You may be trying too hard to make a friendship something more, and be pushing too hard for something that's not ready, or able, to develop at this time.

No biggie really, but limiting contact, limits the attachment, and give you more options, and opportunities, to choose from, and that's a healthy place to be.

Honestly, if something was going to happen between you, it would have by now. So it is time to change the focus.

First step to change the focus, this is what I did:

I had my hair cut today.
I went to my watercolor painting class after 7-8 months! Everybody was surprised seeing me there. When my teacher asked me what I would like to do today, I burst into tears and said, nothing. I just wanted to be here. She gave me a hug and said nothing.

I made my list of things to do:

1) Find a second job for the weekends, I just have LOTS of time in my hand :(
2) Start learning French online
3) Pay the property tax
4) Shorten 3 pairs of pants that I bought 6 months ago!
5) Clean and take my bicycle to the parkade
6) Organize the CDs and find a place to put them, maybe in the china cabinet!
7) Take the rest of the laminates to the locker (we laminated my place in summer)
8) Nail the baseboards (He wanted to do it in summer and I kept saying let it be for a rainy day, I guess this is rainy enough)
9) Install the walking closet T-mold (Glued the metal thing down tonight)
10) Bring the Christmas decoration up and set them
11) Dump the old microwave
12) Frame my paintings


Don't forget to:
1) Make just meals that take long to be prepared
2) Do Pilates every night



P.S. Kept thinking about him as well as all the NC rules. I can't believe this is us. I haven't talk to him yet but I'd like to see him and talk. Not on the phone.
P.S. See, I really changed the focus, he is in P.S.

It sounds like the pieces of your life are on the table and you are fitting them into the right places.

Although your relationship with this man isn't what you wanted, he seems like he truly cares about you and wants you to be OK.

Wow, now that's making some good use of the suggestions, the advice has given you.

I'm impressed, and want to say you have a great plan. I really think you will be in a better place soon, and have fun getting there.

Great list,great plans.
Good luck!

It was sunny today!

P.S. (putting him still in the P.S. Part :) ) I met with him today. I asked him to go bring his bike to bike the seawall. We biked for more than 3 hours, had lunch in an ocean view restaurant and came back home without saying anything about us.

Then we talked a bit.
He said, I have doubt,
1) Why when I am with you I still look at other girls? Shouldn't you be enough for me?
2) I know I have started the nightly phone calls but now it is not a chore but I feel I have to call you no matter what.
3) I didn't have opportunity to miss you like crazy
4) You are a strong, powerful woman like my mom, maybe you remind me of her.

I told him about our different approaches in dealing with things, like I get a bit agitated when I have to do things like “emotional” stuff and am restless but he is always a bit slow and procrastinator. We have to know ourselves.

I told him checking out other girl although it is never pleasant for us but I think it is normal for guys as long as you don't touch.
For our phone call, this was your idea, you have the same with you son. And we will stop it. So don't call me unless you need to talk to me. I will give you a call sometimes in a week (which probably will be once this week, I don't know. I just didn't want him to call me so I don't wait for his call and he can wait for mine a bit).

I also suggested to go and talk to a specialist. Told him go and talk about your emotion, your vision about love and see if you have to be missing someone like crazy to be in love considering your lifestyle and age and for example not being in any relationship for 12 years (because he was raising his son). Learn about yourself and see if these believes are really correct for you. He agreed (am not sure if he does this, but if he doesn't means he really doesn't care about this relationship).

I also told him how do we want to see each other. He said like today was a prefect day (that was actually my plan to show him we can enjoy our company) He said I want to do that. I said we shouldn't see each other every weekend and because I want to plan for my weekend, we make a plan for the next week, so no seeing at least for the two weeks (I am getting a bit nervous now). I also canceled my Christmas party for the next Sunday with him (but I am going).

He said so let's say couple of months from now, if we see this is not working then we go about our lives. But if anything happened in between like you met someone or I met someone we have to tell each other. I said no, if any of us met someone else, we say we are still in a relationship and you have to wait till end of the 6 months. He agreed that this is a better plan.

It was another topic that came up tonight and that was the “fluctuations” he had with other women in the past 12 yeas (all from the work) and they were mostly wrong women for him, way younger and they usually ignored him in the beginning and when they started showing their interest to him, he said he was wise enough to know those were not the right one for him. But I told him maybe this is another thing, maybe you are more attracted to “no” as an answer, that make the challenge for you, you feel you win something, it is not an easy catch. This went also to the list of the things he suppose to talk to a specialist about.

Anyway, he left now. I watched him leaving like he would never come back (didn't let him see that) but I hope he misses me like crazy :(

On the plan:

2) Start learning French online (found a website and started it, and told him too)
5) Clean and take my bicycle to the parkade (I cleaned it but it is still upstairs)
9) Install the walking closet T-mold (Done!)

Added to the list, cleaning my dishwasher, it needs a bit of cleaning. And I did a big dusting today, that was not in the plan :)

As for the last bit, I really appreciate your help, comments, suggestions and more over presence.
I feel I have friends that I even can tell them about my dusting and they neither give up on me nor judge him for all of our shortcomings.

And for the record, I am crying like a crazy...
A bientôt !

3) Pay the property tax (Done)
5) Clean and take my bicycle to the parkade (Done)
10) Bring the Christmas decoration up and set them (Done)

Hard dinner and cleaning the microwave is done too.

P.S. No calls or text, I am on NC till Thursday.

Judytal I admire you for being so strong, and working on yourself and keeping busy. But I think you shouldn't put so much pressure on your relationship with this man, and just go along enjoying it. I understand your both in your 40's and he may have some issues he is dealing with. But, people who are close, some are just friends for a long time and then getting married down the road. Maybe your just digging too deep, lighten up and enjoy each other. Sounds too me he cares a lot about you, and if you put too much pressure the outcome won't be good. Do what your doing, let him make all the moves, they love challenges.

Judytal - I really look up to you. You are so strong and independent! I wish I had even half of your strength. Relax and be yourself and stop worrying about what your future will be. With all that stength, it's bound to be something wonderful.


---------------------------------------------

Giving someone all your love is not an assurance that they'll love you back. - Unknown

Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never - love you back. And sometimes, you have to be ok with that.
Unknown

The second night,
4) Shorten 3 pairs of pants that I bought 6 months ago! (Done, actually did 2 of them. It turns out I am a bit slimmer and the third one is big for me :) )
I did plan for Christmas night with a friend but I need to do more planing.


Sully123 and Devorameira, thanks for you support. I need to be though otherwise I will call him “right now”. Missed him like a crazy. Never happened not talking to him for 2 days.

Hint 1) Friends are wonderful support.
Hint 2) Do NOT look at the “old sweet pictures”

I am using this site now to make sure I keep my promises. “No call till Thursday. “

Sounds like he's slowly exiting without trying to hurt you.

Don't try or push now.

And yes, 7 months isn't a long time.

Don't confuse love with fun. Talk is talk, but actions speak loud.

Whoops, Im late. Sorry. But true.

Glad that you know now & are doing the right things. Congrats. Keep it up.

Stay NC forever. Learn from this. Another life lesson.

Get rid of the pictures & everything else that has do do w/him.

It hurts yes. But removal is the only way. Kind of like taking out the garbage, emotionally, you know?

Learning & growing is everything. Makes us better people.

Rock on, judy.

Hi I am back just to give you all an update.
I am still on the “ hold it back” and “busy my life” stage. I am almost invisible.
He is also holding it back. We talk less. Just one phone call in the last week and a couple of messages.
I am crying less, and try to spend more time on my list of the things to do that grows like crazy everyday.
I nailed baseboards in the living room, still learning French and bought two beautiful leather chairs for the living room (almost impulse buy! ).

Can it be just winter blue that goes away when it gets brighter? Can it be that he want's some time to go to his cave?
It hurts so deep, so hard..

Can it be that you are moving on?

Yes.

vanheart: I won't call it "move on"... at least not now.
As much as it may sound naïve to you, I would like to call it, waiting for him.
Give me at least some wait time :)

Sure. Wait as long as you want.

You will know sooner or later.

But, now, spend your time wisely & enjoy. Have fun regardless.

Did I forget to mention how we spend our time? Hehehe

Glad you are doing things to better yourself & your place. Keep that up.

You're doing all these things for yourself and I see that as moving on with your life for your own sake which is a good thing.
What exactly is it you are waiting for?

vanheart: How do you spend your time?
amicon: I think I am waiting to see if he misses me :)

Well, honestly.

To not worry about someone who doesn't want me.

And know that this was in the past.

And to do everything in my power to heal, have fun and be grateful for all of the amazing things I do have.

The things that make me happy.

After telling all the things he has said, my advice is to exit, & have no contact. Hes a wuss that's trying to slip out the back door & you won't let him.

amicon: very good question actually. You mean it never happen that a guy/girl wants some time alone after a year of relation (and not saying I love you, I didn't forget that!) and actually realize he/she wants to be with the other person?

I feel I have to do this for myself, like a self respect, or respect for a relation so when I look back I don't say "what if...".

Don't forget that I really love this person... more than moving on after 2 weeks :)

This is not self respect. Just the opposite.

You can't force someone to say it or mean it. Or better yet know that unconditionally.


You may love this person, for whatever reasons, but that's not being reciprocated.

"What if?" Exactly. What if I don't try hard enough. What if this was not meant to be? Fear & insecurity.

How about "What if" I move on & find someone that loves me & can say it with meaning and act on it.

Good question actually.
The point is you've already proven your feelings toward him. How much more work does this require from you?

Sounds like you are giving & he's not.

There's adjusted men out there.

vanheart: don't forget that I am not showing him I am waiting let alone forcing him to do anything. I am actually just trying hard to do nothing. Have lots of inner dialog but not speak out. I don't call that "giving" to him, it is more of giving to myself, that is the thing I call it self respect.

This might be my insecurity but I am not that kind of person who can move on like this.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't want to hear different opinions, that is the reason I came here but I still feel I'd like to go with my instincts.
But REALLY appreciate your help... maybe I need your punch into my face to get to the reality sooner.

Waiting around in limbo is never a good thing,me I'd -sorry for being harsh-move on with my own life,rather than hanging on to false hope.
Sometimes people aren't on the same page,or even in the same book. And then we're better off writing new chapters for ourselves.

Yup, I punch with love.

That's why Im here. Ive had my heart broken too.
I don't wish people to go down a path of pain & indecision.
Waste time, actually.

So, go with your instincts. I hope your instincts prove true here.
Just don't waste too much time wondering if your instincts are right.

Or if he is.

Ok, amicon and vanheart, all I can promise is not contacting him for another week (I added this later :) ). What about that?
I will talk to him (not in a needy way) if he calls.
I'll come back in a week to give you guys more updates.

That isn't no contact dear. If he calls.

Don't promise to us. Promise to yourself.

Like amicon said "What are you waiting for?"

(not in a needy way)

Boy does that say it all. You need him, he doesn't need you.

Listen judy,

I am around your age.

If one thing Ive learned is that relationships are everything.

Not only romantic ones, but every single one we have.

To recognize what's good & what's not. And the feelings that come from that.

To ultimately be aware. And use our gut.

Not to make the same mistakes again, and to use what we learn to recognize.

It seems to me that you need to step back & think about why you want this guy so bad. Take a long hard look at yourself.

Can you do that?

It may reveal your future relationships not only with others but with yourself.

Nuff said. Rock on Judy. You know who you are.

Hello Friends here,

I found one of our emails in my mailbox and thought to myself OMG, I did not finished my story.
I broke up with him 2 months later (after a phase of “let’s be friends!”). I went to absolutely NC mode. Deleted from my IM, phone number absolutely everything. And yes, I survived.

Happier than ever, I am now with someone who loves me (and yes, he says it) and has act-of-love too. After a long time, I remembered how does it feel when somebody loves you with the attitude of “what can I do today to make her happier”.

One last note, I learned NC here and to everybody who is going through this phase, DO IT. Do it completely and not half way. It is hard I know but worth every bit of pain in the long run. Saved me from losing my time and dignity. This is one surprisingly simple, unbearably difficult and undeniably rewarding advise I got from you all.

Thanks for your support,
Judy