I'm venting here but I am sooooo annoyed and pissed off right now!

My "boyfriend" and I (perhaps a better term as of late is co-ed roomate) have been together for over 7 years. We have 4 kids (3 of which are biologically his). And for the last 5 years (at least), I have been the butt of his jokes! A metaphorical whipping boy if you will and I am PISSED OFF!

First let me say that neither of us is without blame. That being said, only one of us has ever tried to work on the "issues" in our relationship, and that person is me.

His biggest issue with me has always been sex and money. OK, the top two destroyers of relationships in the first place, right?

The sex:
In the beginning (as it so often starts) our sex life was fine! Better than fine, and he got more than he had probably had in years. Then in 2003 I got pregnant with our first child together. This was not the beginning of the end of my sex drive however, in fact I was quite horny throughout the entire pregnancy, and he got a lot of sex. Then, at the beginning of 2005 I got pregnant with number 3. This time I was sick a lot, had toxemia that went untreated for a long time due the fantastic education the doctors up here apparently receive. Started to grow hair in weird places, etc. and I have to say with the 3rd kid, my hormones changed, my sex drive went away, etc. I recognized this and got tested for hormonal imbalances and any other thing that could affect my sex drive, yet nothing provided an explanation. So, I made a conscious effort to please my man more. I MADE THE EFFORT as always... he never does anything but rant and moan. Low and behold at the end of 2006 I became pregnant again (a miracle seeing as how "we never have sex" or in his stupid words to anyone who will listen "I've had sex 3 times... I have 3 kids" - A_ HOLE!!

With my 4th child I was hospitalized for a week in December 2006 and then from January 3rd, 2007 through the end of April 2007 (THAT'S RIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME). The poor man (while I lay dying) didn't get any frickin nookie until around August of 2007 when I could finally walk again and had all 3 of my surgeries complete. BOOHOO! He also never visited me while I lay dying for months (literally dying)... what a sweet heart. Just ranted about him having to do everything.

So maybe it's because I've had all of these kids that my sex drive is gone (some of you are probably asking why the hell I wasn't on birth control... turns out birth control pills, patches, etc. are dangerous to me. I tried them all. I hemorrhage, my blood pressure sky rockets... pretty toxic to me).

MAYBE it's the fact that I am with a man that thinks of only himself.

MAYBE I just don't give a rats tush anymore, because I have tried everything to fix it, including "scheduling" the encounters to happen (without him knowing I do this) to keep him happy.

What does piss me off is that for YEARS he has told strangers and acquaintances about his "poor sex life". He thinks it is something funny to bring up in a conversation to explain his grumpy to everyone. I get to be the butt of all his jokes, and today, I answer a business call from a lady I have never met, but spoken to on the phone. And somehow in this conversation, she brings up the fact that he told her that he has only had sex 3 times because he only has 3 kids and that is why he is a grumpy man.

Money issue:
As of right now I have been a stay at home mom of 4 kids since May of last year and this WAS NOT MY IDEA! HE made the decision I would be staying at home and HE has made the decision that I can not have a job now. I HATE IT! I wan t to work, but he doesn't want me to.

So now, because I have no job, and I have to stay home, and I pay the bills, and I do the grocery shopping, etc. I AM THE REASON HE HAS NO MONEY!!

I spend it all. Let me tell you right now, when I spend $1800 on a freaking boiler, I am not bathing in luxury here OK?

I am not a woman that gets my hair done, my nails done, buys expensive clothes (hardly any clothing for that matter), I own TWO pairs of shoes, TWO pairs of Jeans, and maybe 6 shirts total. I DON'T SPEND MONEY ON MYSELF!! I rarely buy anything that is a luxury, and I am sick to death of his stupid comments about me "oweing him" for all the money I have spent.

When we bought a vehicle, IT WAS HE who needed the best one, not me. I wanted a basic car that could hold our family... HE opted for a freakin mercedes sedan that only 5 of us can fit in at any given moment.

He can buy a $1500 gun, but if I were to buy myself something that expensive, the crap would hit the fan!

I've tried talking to him about this.

HE denies saying anything like this to anybody, says they are lying! Fact is this is probably the 7th time a person has commented on these issues to me that should not know anything about our personal lives.

He even did it yesterday when we dropped his truck off to the mechanic, a man I do not know, in a room full of people he makes some smart @ss comment about how he'd have money if he didn't have me.

It appears to me he is the one lying, not these people I don't know.

I am to the point that I don't want to work on "us" anymore.

Confused, from the outside looking in I can see exactly why you have no sex drive, and I doubt very much it's a hormonal imbalance, although I'm not a doctor so don't rule that out.

You're angry, you've been belittled, treated like a servant, verbally abused, of course you don't want to have sex with this man. I'm sure you love him, but don't you also hate him?

Women are emotional lovers, men are more physical. Most men (most) don't have to be happy with the person they're with in order to have sex, but we women do. Once again, not all men are like this, so please guys, don't jump down my throat. ;)

I went through a similar experience after the birth of my second child. I stayed home with two children under 4, the baby was colicky, constantly nursing, I had no time at all to do the house work and I was exhausted. Hubby would come home, take a nap (after all he'd just worked 8 hours) then ask what was for dinner. Dinner? I haven't even showered, I can't remember the last time I got to go to the bathroom by myself, I haven't eaten all day and I'm running on 3 hours of broken sleep and this man wants dinner? How about putting some dishes in the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry, letting me take a shower?

When the kids would finally settle in for the night he'd get all "hey baby, let's have sex", really? I don't farking think so! Okay, now I'm venting.

I hope you see my point though.

You two need to talk about this. You need to tell him that his actions and his words hurt and that's why you aren't feeling particularly romantic towards him. You also need to lay down the law. If you want to work then work, this isn't the 1930's, you aren't his property, you have the right to do what you want to do.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and it's extra hard when there are children involved, but it can be done. You need to go to a marriage counsellor, you need to work this out.

Good luck.

Life is lived going forward. :)

You are at war with your husband mentally and emotionally, so he is responding in a really simple, harmless way "defending himself" so you know his gripes. His public comments are common ones made in jest. I heard them many years ago from folks.

So, you got to go get your head sorted out about how you want the rest of your life to go and how you can change and grow and make happiness happen for you.

You can do it, you're a great gal with lots of backbone. You're just a little lost right now, probably because of difficult situations in the last few years having gotten the b est of you. :)

Best wishes going forward!

You are correct:

I love him, but I don't like him at all right now :(

He refuses to go to counseling, he says that there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed without it and all I have to do is change.

I'm not a different person than I was 7 years ago. I am the same person just with 4 times the responsibility! I don't get ANY help around here OR with the kids for that matter.

If I do take a selfish moment to myself and run off for a couple of hours, I come home to a young kid with a dirty diaper, or some other disaster because he isn't involved with the kids unless I force him to be.

I literally have to ask him to do things for the kids that parents should know to do... like feed them food when I'm gone.

You are correct:

I love him, but I don't like him at all right now :(

He refuses to go to counseling, he says that there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed without it and all I have to do is change.

I'm not a different person than I was 7 years ago. I am the same person just with 4 times the responsibility! I don't get ANY help around here OR with the kids for that matter.

If I do take a selfish moment to myself and run off for a couple of hours, I come home to a young kid with a dirty diaper, or some other disaster because he isn't involved with the kids unless I force him to be.

I literally have to ask him to do things for the kids that parents should know to do... like feed them food when I'm gone.

OMG, you are me a few years ago!

Today I'm happy, I have a great family. I still have to remind hubby to do the basics, but, when I do he does them. Some people really don't see what needs to be done, some really don't have a maternal instinct. My hubby is also one of those guys that could care less if the house is a disaster, I'm a neat freak, we clash.

What changed things for me was when I finally reached my breaking point and laid down the law. I told him I wasn't happy, was thinking of leaving, but that I still loved him and wanted to give us one last chance.

He had absolutely no idea how I was feeling, which was amazing because I really didn't think that I hid my feelings all that much, I mean really, I was miserable and I made sure he knew it!

We talked, I told him that I was tired of being the only Indian in a house full of chiefs and that I needed help. I also told him that being a stay at home mom was the hardest job I ever had, it is. Then we made a deal. I went back to work for a month, he stayed home with the kids. He didn't last a week, begged me to switch back to the way things were, I agreed. Now he knows what being at home all day entails.

Is it smooth sailing? No, we still have our moments, but that's normal, we've been together for 19 years, married for almost 14, so you, there are ups and downs. The difference now, when I'm upset or he's upset we talk about it. The rule is to sit and listen, say nothing until the person who's upset is done talking. The rule for the person talking, don't make it personal, don't attack the other person, stay calm and state what is upsetting you as nicely as you can. It's not easy, but it is possible.

I know how you're feeling right now, I bet you could just scream at the top of your lungs right now, but really, that won't accomplish anything.

Can you get a baby sitter, have the kids spend a night with someone else, have the house to yourselves so you can talk? Write things down, maybe write him a letter, it's less personal but also makes it less possible to get into a fight.

You obviously still love him, otherwise you'd be gone. So, is it worth it to get back on track, to reconnect as a couple and then work together as partners with 4 kids? I think so.

It won't be easy, it won't be instant, but it is possible.

Please remember, I'm not a counsellor, just a stay at home mom. I hope it all works out for you two, but really, both of you have to listen and talk, otherwise it won't work.

Good luck to you, we're here if you need to talk. :)

time for you to get your life back...
get a job... he can't tell you not to... hey! you can even work from home...then you get your own bank account and start saving... what he thinks he has done has let you stay home and he controls everything... when he realizes you have a way to support yourself, he will wake up a bit...
next, if he won't "do" counselling, because he can fix things, then YOU go... go alone... talking to someone once or twice a week WILL help you! i've done that... my ex- husband, (mind you he is my EX!), wouldn't go, because "nothing was wrong"...i went, and after about 6 weeks, my therapist helped me file divorce and find my LIFE!
good luck to you...

I was a boob just like your husband is. Sleeping on the couch was no fun. Eating cold toast was no fun. No underwear... didn't faze me, but I needed some clean jeans.

It's a matter of making him understand what you mean, and him having empathy for the things you do in his behalf, that makes your house a home. Turn it into a house, and he will miss his home.

Ask me how I know? Because when the QUEEN isn't happy, the world isn't a pleasant place to live in.

My "boyfriend" and I (perhaps a better term as of late is co-ed roomate) have been together for over 7 years. We have 4 kids (3 of which are biologically his). And for the last 5 years (at least), I have been the butt of his jokes! A metaphorical whipping boy if you will and I am PISSED OFF!


We only receive the treatment we accept unfortunately



The sex:
In the beginning (as it so often starts) our sex life was fine! Better than fine, and he got more than he had probably had in years. Then in 2003 I got pregnant with our first child together. This was not the beginning of the end of my sex drive however, in fact I was quite horny throughout the entire pregnancy, and he got a lot of sex. Then, at the beginning of 2005 I got pregnant with number 3. This time I was sick a lot, had toxemia that went untreated for a long time due the fantastic education the doctors up here apparently receive. Started to grow hair in weird places, etc. and I have to say with the 3rd kid, my hormones changed, my sex drive went away, etc. I recognized this and got tested for hormonal imbalances and any other thing that could affect my sex drive, yet nothing provided an explanation. So, I made a conscious effort to please my man more. I MADE THE EFFORT as always... he never does anything but rant and moan. Low and behold at the end of 2006 I became pregnant again (a miracle seeing as how "we never have sex" or in his stupid words to anyone who will listen "I've had sex 3 times... I have 3 kids" - A_ HOLE!!!!!!!!

With my 4th child I was hospitalized for a week in December 2006 and then from January 3rd, 2007 through the end of April 2007 (THAT'S RIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME). The poor man (while I lay dying) didn't get any frickin nookie until around August of 2007 when I could finally walk again and had all 3 of my surgeries complete. BOOHOO! He also never visited me while I lay dying for months (literally dying)... what a sweet heart. Just ranted about him having to do everything.

So maybe it's because I've had all of these kids that my sex drive is gone (some of you are probably asking why the hell I wasn't on birth control... turns out birth control pills, patches, etc. are dangerous to me. I tried them all. I hemorrhage, my blood pressure sky rockets... pretty toxic to me).


:eek::eek: Are you freakin kidding me?? Having sex wouldn't be what I would do when I got the power back to walk, it would be a swift root where the sun doesn't shine and a brisk skip out the door!!!


MAYBE it's the fact that I am with a man that thinks of only himself.

MAYBE I just don't give a rats tush anymore, because I have tried everything to fix it, including "scheduling" the encounters to happen (without him knowing I do this) to keep him happy.

What does piss me off is that for YEARS he has told strangers and acquaintances about his "poor sex life". He thinks it is something funny to bring up in a conversation to explain his grumpy to everyone. I get to be the butt of all his jokes, and today, I answer a business call from a lady I have never met, but spoken to on the phone. And somehow in this conversation, she brings up the fact that he told her that he has only had sex 3 times because he only has 3 kids and that is why he is a grumpy man.


Or maybe it's because he has low self esteem. No one feels the need to demean another human being, let alone their partner if they are secure in themselves.


Money issue:
As of right now I have been a stay at home mom of 4 kids since May of last year and this WAS NOT MY IDEA! HE made the decision I would be staying at home and HE has made the decision that I can not have a job now. I HATE IT! I wan t to work, but he doesn't want me to.


Go out and even do some volunteer work for an hour every week your own self worth is paramount here


So now, because I have no job, and I have to stay home, and I pay the bills, and I do the grocery shopping, etc. I AM THE REASON HE HAS NO MONEY!!!!!!!!

I spend it all. Let me tell you right now, when I spend $1800 on a freaking boiler, I am not bathing in luxury here ok?

I am not a woman that gets my hair done, my nails done, buys expensive clothes (hardly any clothing for that matter), I own TWO pairs of shoes, TWO pairs of Jeans, and maybe 6 shirts total. I DON'T SPEND MONEY ON MYSELF!!!!!! I rarely buy anything that is a luxury, and I am sick to death of his stupid comments about me "oweing him" for all the money I have spent.


If he's accusing you of it why not do it?! Go out and spend money on your hair, nails etc whatever you feel like. Show him what it's really like to have a woman that spends his income!


I am to the point that I don't want to work on "us" anymore.

Then honestly, why are you?

I'm all for working on a relationship but you can't be a one man army.

If he really isn't going to see the error of his ways then you can't make him see.

You can bring a horse to water....

Had to spread the rep Alty, but that is a beautiful and considerate post. Well done.