Hi. I'm Trevor. I'm in love.

I had been steadily dating my girlfriend for about two years, she is the most wonderful, special, and beautiful person I have ever met. We have never had a single argument or fight during our entire relationship, and we see each other basically every day. She's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up, and she's still running through my head when I go to sleep. I have never been happier in my entire life than when we were together. We would often talk about our future together, and she would always tell me that I was the only person for her, and that she would love me forever.

Recently, about a week and a half before Christmas, she sat me down before I left her house on this particular night, and told me she needed a "break." She said that she needed time for school and for her job, and that she still loves me, and that I'm the "most caring selfless person she's ever met." As she was telling me this, I couldn't help but feel like it was actually really over, and that this was her way of letting me down easily. She started to give me a lot of my things back from her place, and I tried to keep it cool and not say too much or do anything stupid. She also says she still wants to be friends, and wants to spend time with me as friends, and we have been recently. I just get so many mixed feelings and I'm so terribly worried that I might lose the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

Is it just a break? Is there anything I can do? Please help. I can't seem to enjoy anything, or eat right, or sleep, or work without my mind running on overdrive the entire time, I feel like I'm going insane.

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.


Even if she promised me that she would be mine again, and just needs some time?

Yes. She will tell you anything at all if she thinks it will soften the blow initially.

Wow.. so there is no hope for me? This isn't helping very much..

Listen, if you want someone to tell you that everything is going to be all puppy dogs and rainbows then fine, but it wouldn't help you a damn bit in the end. If she wanted to be with you then she would be with you and all this "needing a break/time" is a crock. If she wanted this time for work and school this should in no way effect your relationship status. When someone tells you that they need time to be alone that is just chick-speak for it's over. Start the healing now.

Sorry man, but markwithak is dead on. You're better off hearing the truth rather than all the crap. She is trying to spare you the pain of breaking up, while selfishly stringing you along in case she doesn't actually get what she wants so she can take you as her consolation prize. Do not fall for this ploy. You may be feeling insecure about yourself right now, but remember this: they are insecure all of the time, so she will be with another guy in a flash to alleviate this. Or most likely, she has been unsettled by another man and is now curious and wants to see what she is missing.

Also, she most likely is not the most wonderful, amazing and special person you have ever met. If she were, she probably wouldn't act like this. This behaviour of hers is not special, it is ordinary and if you read enough posts here you will discover that. You only feel this way because of the attachment to her. If you have been selfless during your time together and it does not weigh into her decision then she is absolutely not worth your time. Think only of yourself. She is and has most likely always been thinking of herself only. Trust me on that.

I have been where you are so I can empathize with you. What you are feeling is totally natural. Think about all the ways she held you back while you were being selfless and indulge yourself for a while. Do not wait for her. Get on with it.

Apologies if I wrote too much, but this guy struck a cord in me, it's what I would've wanted to hear the few days after my breakup.

YES! I completely agree MarkWithaK and itried. You man, are me one month ago. And you have no idea how much I've learned from this horrible situation in this past few weeks. These guys told you the reality of your situation, I will try to point you out on what's next. These are a list of steps I wrote myself --in no particular order--with the stuff I've learned so far. Maybe I'm missing something, but it's what I believe will help you best in the beginning.

Step 1. Go NO CONTACT. This means remove her from your life completely! No calls, no text, no email, no checking her facebook--remove her, no chatting, no talking to her friends. Absolutely nothing. Give her SPACE, it's what she wants. Now let it be clear that this is not some tactic to get her back. It's NOT. This is for YOU to begin healing and move on. The less you talk and know about her, the less it hurts, the less it hurts, the quicker you heal and with enough time you will be over her. This will be the most difficult bit, but be strong! If you want to talk to her, don't. It will only hurt. If she wants to talk to you, don't. If she did call, It probably won't be to tell you she wants you back. If she did, believe me you WOULD know. DON'T get your hopes up. This is veeeery easy to fall into. It's simple, if she wanted to be with you, she would be. But she doesn't, so as much as it hurts keep reminding yourself that she won't ever come back. Believe me, it will save you some pain later.

Step 2. DO NOT BE HER FRIEND. Yes you think she's the most awesome thing in the world and her sh*t don't stink. But she isn't, nobody is. Being her friend will be torture day after day, you will see her move on happily to other guys while you cry in the background and suffer. You wan't this? Have you imagined her with another guy? Hurts, doesn't it! Now multiply that times ten and make it an everlasting feeling, and I'm talking about many months or even years. Being in the friendzone will NOT let you move on and heal. She will have to understand this, no chick is worth this pain. One day when you are over her and seeing her with some other dude no longer bothers you, then maybe then you can be friends. But not sooner, or you are back to the hurting.

Step 3. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. After the initial shock wears off the first few days or weeks. After you've given yourself enough time to cry and mourn your loss. Get off your couch or bed, and pull your sh*t together. This is a time to find yourself again. The same guy you were before you got together with her. The guy she fell in love with, not for her to fall again. But for YOU to love yourself again. Find activities to keep yourself busy, stuff you used to do before she came into your life. Reconnect with old friends. Make new friends. Learn to have fun again. Learn to live your life without her in it. Yes she will creep back into your head soon enough, but as time passes, the thoughts of her will be less and less frequent. Try to avoid alcohol as it makes us do stupid regrettable things and avoid hooking up with other chicks and getting into a rebound relationship, as you will be causing yourself and the poor chick you bang more unnecessary pain. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. The time will come when you see other chicks without comparing them to your ex. Let the dust settle. And when you're ready, you'll know.

Step 4. LEARN FROM THIS. You probably hate life right now, and you don't see how this situation can have a positive side to it. Well, it does, every horrible situation has a lesson. While your breakup was not entirely your fault, you did play a major part. You can argue she had issues, or is immature or whatever it doesn't matter. But you are like me, you gave her EVERYTHING right?? You went out of your way to treat her like a princess. You tried to make her the happiest chick in the world. You fell so deeply for her that your life completely revolved around her. You stopped caring about your friends and maybe even family just to be with her all the time. You avoided confrontation just so you wouldn't piss her off. Her family and friends loved you. Geez! Everything was absolutely perfect right? And then, things started to change, slowly you started feeling her more and more distant. Not giving you the same you gave her. Not putting as much effort in the relationship. Treating you less like a boyfriend and more like a friend. Yes, I know the feeling my friend. This is you putting her on a pedestal and making her a PRIORITY while she lowered you to something much lesser than that... Is this fair? NO! Why should you give it all when she doesn't? Relationships have to be equal. You have to give what you receive and vice versa. When you give too much, they drift away. When they give too much, you drift away. Learn to balance this and your relationships will be stronger and more fulfilling. You will also learn that you must not let yourself be the other half of a person, you lose your individuality. You become a couple instead of two people who are independent but still love each other very much. Anyway, all of this stuff you will see much clearer when you start analysing what you could've done better. In time.

Follow these steps and you will feel much better with time. Take your time to read the stickies and feel free to contribute as you find out more about yourself. Ask anything you want and don't be afraid to listen as many of us here are going through, or have been through, the exact thing you are. Many of them are experts and offer amazing help and insight. You are not the only guy in the world experiencing this, and you're not alone.

TIP: READ STICKIES AT THE TOP OF THE FORUM

So, no couples ever take a break and get back together (like she has promised me) and been happy again? Is this unheard of?

If not, what can I do to possibly get her back still, and I understand what you guys are saying, I just can't let it end like this, I at least need closure of some kind, not just "I promise we will get back together and I still love you, this is a break." - and then I just give up?

It just dosen't seem right..

Relax, she will come back more than likely if her new love interest doesn't work out. Oh trust me, if he isn't sniffing around already, he will be now that she is single, and looking.

Save your dignity, and self respect, and get your own life without her in it. The best thing you can do is take the suggestions you have been given to heart, and let her go.

I just can't let it end like this
Why not? I bet you that she has. People say things during breaks ups that they know aren't ever going to happen. I'm sorry if you haven't heard whatever it is that you want to hear. You seem like you have it set in your mind to wait it out and be a door mat. Good luck.

So, no couples ever take a break and get back together (like she has promised me) and been happy again? Is this unheard of?

If not, what can I do to possibly get her back still, and I understand what you guys are saying, I just can't let it end like this, I at least need closure of some kind, not just "I promise we will get back together and I still love you, this is a break." - and then I just give up?

It just dosen't seem right..


Same question I asked myself mate. The answer is NO. There is NOTHING you can do to get her back. In fact, anything you do at this moment will only push her away. The only one that can decide to get back together with you is her, and nothing you do will influence or change her mind. If she wants you back, believe me, you will know. So anything that makes you think she might want you back is probably just a smokescreen and an attempt to comfort herself or keep you in the friendzone as a plan B. If she does want you back you will have the power to decide if you want someone who put you as an option as opposed to the priority you put her in. You want to be her plan B?? RESPECT YOURSELF MAN!! You are worth more than that!! Why should you be a choice when all you did was put her first?? Push this "I think we have a chance because she said this n that" to the back of your mind. Don't waste your time thinking about it. While not unheard of, it's EXTREMELY rare. You see, the thing is, there is no such thing as a "break" it's a ALWAYS a "brakeup". It only becomes a break if you get back together one day so it's best for your emotional health that you disregard this is a possibility. Yes the hope will always be there, but the more you keep those hopes alive, the more pain you will inflict on yourself. Now probably most of what I'm saying sounds like it doesn't apply to your particular situation. It's normal you feel that way, I did too for awhile, and then it starts to sink in and then you begin thinking about yourself. You start listening, you start seeing things clearer. Let your emotions settle.

I won't lie, the next few weeks will be hell for you. But as you find out things for yourself you will see that our words have more and more truth to them. I am not saying this stuff to burst your bubble of hope, it's because I've been there --many of us have-- it's advice I've been given and want to pass on to you because I know you feel like sh*t. And this stuff will help you out of it hopefully.

Cheers,
Expat

Hm. I don't even know what to say anymore.

Hm. I don't even know what to say anymore.


That's OK, you don't have to say anything. Give yourself some time for your emotions to settle. If you need to vent, update, or ask something, come back to your post and do so.

All the best mate.

P.S. how old are you?

Hey Gearhe4d,
Just start with yourself and start to think about you and you only. Take your time and cry if you have to do, take time out if you need to and let everything calmdown and get your surroundings around you to slow down- it is then you will be able to see things a bit better and work out what to do... keep tallking on this site as many of us are going through the same kind of thing and will help and so you are not alone... as painful as this is - she is gone, maybe let you down lightly as she already may have someone on the scene.. you just never know- but time is a good healer and time will let you see things better, take care Zeeniee

I'm 20 years old. So, I can tell already that you guys are probably thinking "Psh, "the love of my life" you're too young to say that." But it's true. I don't think I will ever find someone so perfectly symmetrical to me in every way. Everything we are is the same, right down to the stupid gross humor, and our taste in everything.

I guess I had better stop before I go on a rant there.

God, I keep smelling her on everything, and it's killing me.

Hey Gearhe4d,
Just because your 20 years old does not mean- people on this site will view the love you have for your girlfriend any less than if you were30, 40, 50, 100 or 300 years old. So rant away! It's a very good place to rant and it will help you get things off your chest and you will get good solid feedback from the rants...

Look, you need to understand that this girl wants you to try to get back with her and to tell her how much you love her and miss her, etc. But that does not mean she will get back together with you. She wants to feel desirable, even at your expense. This whole situation, on her part, has absolutely nothing to do with reason, logic or sense. It has only to do with her emotions and how she feels at this time.It is all about her. This is not how a woman acts; this is a girl. You were being a man by being selfless for her and she did not appreciate it so forget about her. Don't call her, text her or email her. I thought that I would wait because it all didn't seem right to me either. Learn from everyone's mistakes.

Closure is important, though. I never got any from my last ex and I will agree that it is hard to deal with. Try to get it somehow if possible and I can guarantee that you will feel different about her after that. I know I did. In the end, for her it's all a game while for you it's real. They always think that the grass is greener once the relationship gets comfortable and familiar, so let her find out for herself. In the meanwhile, you should try to figure out how to live on both sides of the fence, then your grass can always be green.

So I should just completely disconnect from her? She even still talks to me on MSN and invites me over to hang out, or go to the movies, or dinner etc. It has been about 4 weeks now since the initial "break."

Cut all contact with her. All she is doing is filling her time until some other guy comes along. She is being selfish and you won't understand this until its too late. Just tell her straight out that you don't want to speak to her until she gets her head straight, if ever. I can see where this is headed and it's not going to go your way. She will always be on the verge of leaving again. Don't put yourself through that.

Yeah, it's over. Sorry bud. It's rough... get a helmet.

Most of the things said in this thread will go in one ear and out the other (because you think your situation is different) until you see everyone's assessments were right at which point you'll pick up what's left of your dignity and do what's right for you. How long will it take you to see it is entirely up to you.


And DON'T TALK TO HER AGAIN. Your head and her head are in two entirely different spots. Your just trying to rekindle and she's trying to run away.

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truly needed a break. I wanted to be OK with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like a lot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful... she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

I got back together with my ex after a year and a half apart.. we lasted another 6 years too.. then it ended when the same crap from the first breakup resurfaced.

You might be in the minority..

But the point of this is to not make him hangon and wait- he needs to live life... if she comes back.. fine... but odds that she will are slim and odds that it will work out a second time are even slimmer.

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

This is exactly what I mean. How long was your break?

yeah, it's over. sorry bud. It's rough.... get a helmet.

most of the things said in this thread will go in one ear and out the other (because you think your situation is different) until you see everyone's assessments were right at which point you'll pick up whats left of your dignity and do whats right for you. How long will it take you to see it is entirely up to you.


And DON'T TALK TO HER AGAIN. Your head and her head are in two entirely different spots. Your just trying to rekindle and shes trying to run away.

Listen to THIS person!

The problem with compsavvyimnot's post is it gives false hope and doesn't go into any of the details of the time broken up.

The point of No Contact is that you are busy working on yourself and becoming stronger as an individual (which is a very attractive attribute to the opposite sex). They may come back in this time or they may not. But in the END the result is that either way you become a stronger person with a (hopefully) more educated outlook on relationships... and who knows... if she does come back around YOU may find out that you don't want to go back. But why wait and hang around like a schmuck, sniveling and whining? Real attractive!

Who's got the Swingers quote? The "rub" one? I KNOW someone has to have it here.

My break was for a year.
But I agree, you need to move on with your life. Don't put anything on hold for her. If she really is out there to better herself, if she does choose to come back, you need to have grown too.
When we broke off for that year, I didn't expect for him to not see other girls or me other guys. For me, not seeing other guys was my choice. I couldn't expect the same from him, especially when I couldn't give him a time frame of when I would be back. Do Not put your life on hold, live and grow.And no there is nothing you can do to stop her from taking a break. Any attempt will only push her away and deminish your chances of her coming back.
May I suggest that you just keep it cool. Let her know that you care for her, that you don't agree about the break but can respect her choice, and hope that everything will work out as it should.
Do not say anything like "I'll wait for you", please that translates to "I'm your doormat". Don't mention about getting back to gether either.
If it happens, it happens. If not then better sooner she's out then later.

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

You think I don't want my ex to call me tonight and beg me to get back with her?? Of course, but if she did, will things change? The pain is still there and the wounds haven't healed yet. Thinking about this scenario just keeps me from moving on and focusing on myself. It's not healthy. If she wants to come back one day, then I will decide what to do at the given time.

I agree that some "breaks" do work out. But lets face it, until you actually get back together it's still a "break up". Regardless if this chick wants to get back together with him or not, he still needs to move on with his life without her. Or should he wait for her for a year or more? What if she never comes back? He will be stuck, unable to move on for that long? Is this fair for him? The fact is the girl does not feel the same way as he does at the moment so best he moves on and works on what led to the breakup --on his end-- as well as rediscovering and bettering himself. Dreams of her coming back will not let him gain his confidence back. He needs proper time for himself and to heal.

In the end, if it's meant to be it's meant to be --as in your case-- but there's no way of knowing the future. And there is NO way to get her back. You decided for yourself didn't you. Did he influence in any way? Did he convince you directly to get back together? Or did he take you back only when you looked for him?

The last thing this guy needs is false hope. Yes, happy endings are lovely to hear. But it's not the same for everyone. He needs to move on, when and if she decides to go back to him, it will be his decision. His happy ending could very well be with someone else out there.

The problem with compsavvyimnot's post is it gives false hope and doesn't go into any of the details of the time broken up.

The point of No Contact is that you are busy working on yourself and becoming stronger as an individual (which is a very attractive attribute to the opposite sex). They may come back in this time or they may not. But in the END the result is that either way you become a stronger person with a (hopefully) more educated outlook on relationships... and who knows... if she does come back around YOU may find out that you don't want to go back. But why wait and hang around like a schmuck, sniveling and whining? Real attractive!

Who's got the Swingers quote? the "rub" one? I KNOW someone has to have it here.

Is this what you were looking for??

First scene from the "Swingers" movie starring Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn.

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.


I highly recommend this movie for any guy who has been dumped, asked for a "break" or similar. Saw it two weeks after my breakup and seldom have I identified more with a movie character.

She did do this once before, when we were about at 8 or so months in our relationship, it was right before I had to go to work that evening, and she told me (at her house) that she needed a break just like she is now, and she said she needed more time for school and work and such, and I was crushed. However, she said that I could still come by that evening after work if I wanted to hang out with her brother or something (who happens to be one of my best friends) and so, after work, I drove back to her house, but I sat in front of their house for about 2 minutes, just trying to think and figure out how I should act once I went in.

That's when it happened.

I noticed the front door open and she ran out to my car and opened my door and threw her arms around me and apologized for what she had said, and told me that she loved me and was just thinking too much, and that she wanted to forget the whole thing, and then we were right back to being how were always were, in love, and happy, and laughing, and being together again. I just keep hoping this sort of thing will happen again. I almost feel like her friends might be poisoning her thoughts and she is getting confused about what she wants. I know that deep down she loves me.

STOP!
Whay are you doing this to yourself? Stop letting her play with you like this.

STOP !!
Whay are you doing this to yourself?? Stop letting her play with you like this.

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

She did do this once before, when we were about at 8 or so months in our relationship, it was right before I had to go to work that evening, and she told me (at her house) that she needed a break just like she is now, and she said she needed more time for school and work and such, and I was crushed. However, she said that I could still come by that evening after work if I wanted to hang out with her brother or something (who happens to be one of my best friends) and so, after work, I drove back to her house, but I sat in front of their house for about 2 minutes, just trying to think and figure out how I should act once I went in.
.....

Well there you have it. Man, you are a sucker for punishment. And most likely all for the wrong person.

3rd time's a charm? 4th times a charm? 5th... 6th?

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

Look mate, all this advice is not about helping ourselves, it's about helping you. In the end, it's your life and your decisions. If you want to be hurt more and more then it's entirely up to you. As we said, this situation is not exclusive to you -although it might feel like it is. Read my story (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/another-break-time-space-there-hope-295070.html) I wrote two weeks after our "break" and you will see that even though we are different people in different relationships with different girls, we are in the same boat.

My ex did exactly what your girlfriend is doing to you right now. When she left, I was surprised by how little I actually cared that she had left. For about a month we did not see each other at all and I was fine. Then she started to call me and ask me out on dates etc. I decided that maybe we could work this out so I started seeing her again. Over the next month we were doing fine but one day she snapped and decided she wanted to go on a break again. This was when I lost it and started thinking the same thoughts that you are having right now. This is all just impulsive and irrational on her part. Trying to rationalize something that is not rational will drive you insane man! You need to understand how selfish she is right now, and this is hard for you because you have been selfless till now.

Believe me, once this seed is planted in their mind, nothing you do or say can dig it out. She is of a different mind than you now and it's better if you come to terms with it before you get hurt even more.

I get it now. She's not a mature, sane individual. She's like most of the girl I see out there. Confused with no remorse about confusing or hurting others, in paricular, you.
You're letting her hurt you over and over. Why?:confused: Maybe she's training you for her doormat position. Don't let this happen, don't let her slowly diminish the respect that you deserve. Cut her out of your life now. Get away from her and stay away. Stop talking to her and stop indulging her by meeting with her. If you want to keep her as a friend, just tell her that it may be a possibility later but not now. The only good time to consider her as a friend is when you've healed and found the one that will love you.

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

Why do you have to wait or make her realize anything? You can't convince others to love you, you shouldn't have to.
Listen, you're hurting and so it's impaired your brain function. She knows well what you had. Are you going to wait for her to get with another guy or guys and compare them to you? Will you still want her after she's realized then?
Life sux and it'll throw you enough pain along the way, Stop throwing yourself at it.

I get it now. She's not a mature, sane individual. She's like most of the girl I see out there. Confused with no remorse about confusing or hurting others, in paricular, you.

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

Life sux and it'll throw you enough pain along the way, Stop throwing yourself at it.

The real pain would be to go through the rest of my life without her being a part of it.

As a Women... As some of you men may know, Men can't change our point of views, only aggrevate it.:p

Awww, that's sweet. Stay friends then, but not now!!

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

That's what everyone thinks. The only hitch in your plan is that she is not thinking, she's feeling. Emotions are guiding her, not thoughts. You're going to dig yourself deeper if you continue on this course. What the two of you need right now is time apart. During that time you will find out what you really had.

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

Look, anything you say or do will push her further away Don't you see? She is thinking--or feeling ONLY about herself now. She probably does love you, but not the same way you want her to. Give her space and let her be. Let her see what life is like without you. Let her do her own thing and live your life at the same time. NC is a chance for you to heal, find yourself again, and see things more clearly with time.

Your judgment is clouded at the moment, you have way too much emotions messing with your head. Let things sink in at least before you make any decisions.

How old are you?

Don't want to lose her? Well you don't have to. There is a greater chance to have her in your life later down the road, but you need time for yourself. You cannot be her friend while you feel this strongly about her... you will only hurt more and more. Your life will be on standby for someone that clearly is not thinking about you.

Sigh.

I just wish there was something I could actually do, not acting at all is going to be the hardest thing I've probably ever done. I've never felt this strongly connected to someone in my entire life, and even after all of the things of read here, those words "It's just a break, I promise" keep grinding away at my head.

Am I to expect this type of nonsensical psychotic bull from future relationships? It just feels like "what's the point?"

Sigh.

I just wish there was something I could actually do, not acting at all is going to be the hardest thing I've probablly ever done. I've never felt this strongly connected to someone in my entire life, and even after all of the things of read here, those words "It's just a break, I promise" keep grinding away at my head.

Am I to expect this type of nonsensical psychotic bull from future relationships? It just feels like "what's the point?"

You think NC was going to be easy?? It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I probably talked to her pretty much everyday for more than 600 days. Then the break. And no calls for weeks. From ALL to NOTHING, just like that! It was sooo hard not to call her even just to hear her sweet voice for 1 minute. Each night felt like pure agony. But everyday it's getting easier even though I still check my phone every now and then looking for her missed call --less and less everyday. Any SMS I received I opened wishing it was her asking me back or saying she regrets it. But it's subsiding. NC is helping me live my life without her in my mind 24/7, now it's more like 23/7. It's a slow painful process but it WORKS! Trust me!

No, not all relationships will be the same. But once the dust clears you will find that you have learned a TON about yourself and your relationship. You will gain wisdom that will help you in all of your future relationships. You will be likely to avoid getting yourself in a similar situation again. Pain will come, but you will be better prepared to deal with it.

You know her better than any of us. Maybe she is in fact an amazing wonderful person. But nonetheless, she's a confused person that needs to grow up and find herself and what it is she wants. You in the picture asking for a 2nd -or 3rd- chance will not help the situation, it will push her away. She asked for a break because she wants space for herself and time away from the relationship. You love her? Then show it by giving her what she wants. But don't wait by the phone. LIVE!

There is nothing you can do and it will be difficult to understand that. But ask yourself one question: Do I want her to toy with me until she finds someone else? Because if you think what you're going through right now is hard, how hard do you think it will be once that happens?

Honestly, you can probably expect this to happen again, or at least keep this in mind because you have now seen all the tell tale signs leading up to this moment. Heal yourself in whatever way you can and move on bro. In the end you'll be glad you did. It's her loss.

It's her loss.

That is another thing that worries me, I care about her deeply, and I don't want her to just wind up in some new relationship where she won't be treated right.

I know I treat her the way she should be treated, with respect, and care, and love. I always put her needs before mine, and I never neglect or fail to be there for her when she needs me.

She must realize this eventually right? But would she act on it?

You are acting, on your behalf.
Yes, this kind of bull can be expected from most future relationships.
But if you didn't experience this bull, how will you learn and grow? How will you sort out the bad ones from the perfect one? It's not pointless, she's out there somewhere.
And at 20, you have plenty to look forward to.:)

Hey Gearhe4d,
Give yourself some time and space- maybe you should swtich of and let you mind rest for a while- go and get out of the house and go for a walk or clean your room or go to the gym.. it will be good to switch off and rest and maybe when you think later you will be in a more positive way with yourself and mind. Make time for yourself and try to switch off various times during the day and as each day goes by you will start to work things out for yourself.
Take care

Man, you sound exactly like me. You obviously have a different philosophy on love and relationships than her. This is where your compatibility ends. You'll do whatever it takes to make it work and she won't. YOU think this is true love and she doesn't. If she did she would try to make it work wouldn't she? She is not willing to compromise in her life for you. Know this and find someone who will.

You're looking for TRUE love. Maybe this quote will help you know it when you see it. This is the philosophy your true love should have, in my opinion.

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited.

- Alfred Adler

Hope this helps. Sometimes a good quote can put everything into sharper focus.

That is another thing that worries me, I care about her deeply, and I don't want her to just wind up in some new relationship where she won't be treated right.

I know I treat her the way she should be treated, with respect, and care, and love. I always put her needs before mine, and I never neglect or fail to be there for her when she needs me.

She must realize this eventually right? But would she act on it?

Who knows what she will realize or act on. You cannot guess what's on her mind. And you shouldn't care. The only one who can is her --and by the sound of it I doubt even she knows a the moment. It's her life and she must learn a few things for herself too. If she gets involved with someone who isn't good for her, well she will do what she thinks is right. Let her make her own mistakes and learn for herself. FOCUS ON YOU now. You have given this girl way too much already. What has she given you apart from a broken heart and shattered dreams? You are putting her needs ahead of yours why?? Why should you if she doesn't? LOVE YOURSELF first, then you will be ready to love others in a fair way.

It's true that girls like guys who are confident, strong, and independent. Guys that command respect and have dignity. Yes, you can be sweet and give her all you want also, but not more than she gives you. You can be the nice guy without being a doormat you know.

A healthy relationship goes two ways not just one. You need to get this guy back, the guy that caught her eyes when you first got together. Get him back first, or your future relationships --with her, or another-- are doomed to fail.

Hi Gearhe4d,
Read my story... I think it will help you, its kind of a similar situation. And just like expat.. I was you about a month and a half ago.

I initiated NC... and I REALISED SO MANY THINGS. When you are alone, and looking at things from the outside.. only then you realise the truth of the relationship - yes it hurts to know your perspective of love wasn't the same... but at least you can take comfort in knowing SHE Didn't TRULY LOVE YOU. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't give you the same things you give her?. YOU Don't DESERVE THAT MATE!.

You deserve someone that will love you and give you everything you are able to give them - the relationship should always be equal. You will learn so much, trust me!. you will learn to never make a girl YOUR LIFE, but to have your life and your own fulfillment without her... then you can SHARE your life with her!. never give a girl EVERYTHING!. you can still be the nicest guy and still treat her right without putting her first.
We all make that mistake - we've put our ex's first.. made them priorities, and done too much for them. One of the most important rule of a relationship is... you ALWAYS put yourself first - and that's where you can get meaning of the saying 'love yourself then others will love you and you can love others more fairly'... trust me, give it some time in your head and you will figure all this out just as I have.

Im in the process of letting go, I still have bad days... but I know they will pass... just remember - in life and love YOU ARE NUMBER 1, love yourself, never make a girl a priority and never put EVERYTHING into a relationship.. OK?
These are the things you should learn and take with you.

Don't feel bad though, and feel as if the break is because you were so nice - us nice guys all make that mistake! Its just, we have to learn from it.. and learn to love and respect ourselves more, because that is when we will truly find the one that loves and respects us the same way. Cos.. right now - your ex didn't truly love you the same way you loved her... the same way mine didn't truly love me the same way I loved her...

We are all in the same boat, you'll be fine!. don't worry.. keep up NC!

I'm a mom with 3 sons 41, 38, and 33. I have watched women tear there hearts out with divorce, and the dating all over again. The same thing your going through. Listen to the advice that is being said to you.
The sooner you realize the love is gone, believe me being friends is just the next thing to go. Why set yourself up for two broken hearts. Once is enough. I feel like my sons are back in school again, but the question and the heartache is the same no matter how old you are. I feel for you, but you got to keep your chest up, and move on.

Hi Gearhe4d, I totally agree with arzy99, I was in the same situation as well, loved someone v much only to realised he did not love me that way and went and cheated 3 months before our wedding. All the advice people have posted are the best and so fingerscrossed you will be fine in time. Just remember all the good qualities you have and that one day you will share them with a much better girl who will appreciate it.

You keep going on and on about how you are perfect for her and she just needs to realize it and blah blah freakin blah. Have you given any thought to the option that she has thought about this and realized that you are not perfect for her? I mean come on, at 20 years of age nothing is so complicated and stressful that she needs time. I would say that she is playing you but on further review it seems that you are playing yourself by dwelling on this "I'm perfect for her and she is my soul mate" nonsense. Man up!

Man up!

Oh OK, cool, I'll just MAN UP then, wow, problem solved, no more cares in the world I guess.

Sheesh, what was I thinking, I guess I haven't lost anything at all, you know? I feel great now.

Time to get back out there and find some new random girl! Life will be a lot easier if I just love myself right? I don't need anyone or anything I guess, being a MAN is incredible!

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

I'm curious about the details of the break during your relationship, did you two still meet up and spend time together at all, did you two say that you loved each other? I need to know if we might be on the same track as you were. I really believe that she just needs some space right now, but I have to know how to treat her during this break, if I expect her to keep her word.

Oh ok, cool, I'll just MAN UP then, wow, problem solved, no more cares in the world I guess.

Sheesh, what was I thinking, I guess I haven't lost anything at all, you know? I feel great now.

Time to get back out there and find some new random girl! Life will be a lot easier if I just love myself right? I don't need anyone or anything I guess, being a MAN is incredible!

Listen, I doubt you came here for advice or for any insight or perspective into your problem. I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be OK. It seems that everything goes in one ear and out the other if it's not what you WANT to hear. You need to get a grip on reality. You're being so played by this girl. And I'm starting to see why it's so easy for her do it. She has you on a leash and is loving every minute of it. Wake up kid! Being sarcastic when people are trying to help you out is not going to get you anywhere. You're being given solid gold info here and you won't take it. It's your life so do what you like. Regardless of what is said on this site, you're still going to do what you want anyway. Am I right?

I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be ok.

The funny thing is... everything WILL be all right... just in a different way than he thinks.

Listen, I doubt you came here for advice or for any insight or perspective into your problem. I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be ok. It seems that everything goes in one ear and out the other if it's not what you WANT to hear. You need to get a grip on reality. You're being so played by this girl. And i'm starting to see why it's so easy for her do it. She has you on a leash and is loving every minute of it. Wake up kid! Being sarcastic when people are trying to help you out is not going to get you anywhere. You're being given solid gold info here and you won't take it. It's your life so do what you like. Regardless of what is said on this site, you're still going to do what you want anyways. Am I right?

You said exactly what I was thinking. I think this kid needs a few weeks still for things to sink in. He is in a state of denial. It's sad, but I went through something like that... seeking comfort, success stories, and hope. I thought NO-ONE in the world could possibly be living my same situation. My situation was surely different. My girl was more amazing than any other. I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me. Slowly It sank in and things started to clear up. Maybe I wasn't as hardheaded but I guess it's part of the process. Sooner or later he'll realize it and he'll come back and read the GOLDEN words we've given him. As if it mattered to us what this kid does with his life! We give him advice and he rolls it into a ball and throws it down the bin.

As Tal would say, if he needs to get a pie on the face to realize it, then so be it! But we'll still be here to help when he comes back for advice--if he does.

You said exactly what I was thinking. I think this kid needs a few weeks still for things to sink in. He is in a state of denial. It's sad, but I went through something like that...seeking comfort, success stories, and hope. I thought NO-ONE in the world could possibly be living my same situation. My situation was surely different. My girl was more amazing than any other. I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me. Slowly It sank in and things started to clear up.

We have all been there and it sucks. Exactly in the same spot, with the same feelings, hopes, reactions and plans. It's the absolute worst. And I feel bad for the guy. The best thing I could have done is get on this site and share my thoughts and experiences. It's the best therapy, and in the end I think that's all people like us need. Just to look at it objectively. Step out of our heads for just a minute and look at what happened and hear similar stories to ours. It almost makes me laugh now when I think about my relationship and how I felt when I first came here. I don't think I was as hardheaded either, but everyone handles it differently. Hopefully she takes him back and he can laugh at all of us. But if not, I'll still be here.

I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me.


I'm THRILLED my misery is bringing you comfort ;) heh..

I'm THRILLED my misery is bringing you comfort ;) heh..

OUR misery--we're on the same boat remember? ;)

I feel that after a month of my breakup I'm almost a different person. Amazingly, I see things so much differently now. The pain is still there, but it's subsiding slowly, and I feel much better. I can eat better, I can sleep, I can laugh and thinking of her less and less. I also feel wiser and more self aware. This site has been much like group therapy, don't think you can find so many guys in our same situation in one place. It's good to know people are there for you. Hopefully Trevor will get what he wants--if not dude, we are here for you. It helps us to help you.

By the way, the misery is only temporary... we'll be all right.

Hey Gearhead,

Seems to me like you have a lot of support here. You have people here that have been through the same thing you are right now. Don't you think they have something to offer?

This is funny how life works. When we are heartbroken, there is nothing anyone can do or say that can make anything better, (unless they give you false hope of course)

Right now you're at the stage where you don't want to hear anything about moving on, you just want to hear that it's going to be OK, that you're the exception..

Instead of putting 100% of your efforts into why she did this or that, why don't you look at yourself..

Ask yourself why she constantly wants time away from you.. maybe you two spent WAY too much time together.. maybe you didn't let her breathe and see her friends...

I believe that it takes two to break up a relatinoship.. look at your part here... then maybe you won't make the same mistake again...

This is life man, it's not easy or fun, it just is how it is..

Don't you think you deserve someone to love you just as much as you love them?

Don't you think that you should be with someone who wants to yell from the rooftops that you're together, not play with your emotions and keep you around for if she "gets herself together" or "finds herself?"

As a woman, maybe she really does just need to find herself, maybe she is one of those amazing women, maybe she is the angel of your dreams... but bottom line, she is hurting you and making you toy on the verge of depression... THAT is not love. That is selfishness...

Love is not selfish.

So, I would agree that we did spend too much time together, I sat down with her a week or two after the break and talked to her about what she would change when we do get back together, and she said that she only wanted a bit more space and time to herself. I told her that I fully understand that, and that I too need to be more focused on other things and getting further in life. Better job, more schooling, etc. This is one of those things that keeps telling me that she does intend to pick our relationship back at at some point. If the only real problem that she had with us was that she didn't have enough space, then it just seems like, why wouldn't she want to be together again? (Under new circumstances of course, and just seeing each other less) I would have no problem being around less, and making it more exciting when we do get to see each other, but we used to see each other basically every other day, and she told me herself that she felt like that wasn't enough, and she wanted to spend more time with me. (This was before she got her job) and I guess like an idiot I agreed and started seeing her basically every day. I know now that I should have kept going at that rate, just to make her miss me more, and she probably would still be together with me now.

She seems like a confused girl

You know, everyone is telling you to pull back because for one if it's truly over it's for the best for you to heal, or the second, it could make her realize what she's missing

When I went on a break with my boyfriend, he said "im not going to be at you disposal every second of the day, you can see me when you've made up your mind"

That gets her thinking what she's missing out on.. and it might spur her to talk to you..

But either way I do suggest you move on and don't wait for her.. if she wants you back she will let you know

Well I think you have gotten the idea from what most people have posted...

None of us can honestly know what she is thinking or if this break is for good. All we can do is give our opinions from experience. The numbers aren't in your favor sadly, I myself was given the ol break line about 8 months ago... and here I am single, but you know what, I am now happy and content with it.

Now who knows, she could come back, but she also might not. You must remove yourself from her life! Think about what you are doing, you are allowing her to have you at her beg and call and fill in as the "boyfriend" while she remains single. She is having her cake and eating it too.

You are making yourself more miserable by sticking around, let her have her break and do your own thing, if she wants you back SHE WILL COME AND GET YOU!! But for your own good try and move on right now, you will never feel better at this rate.

Your life did not start with this girl, and it won't end with her either. I know its hard to think now, but one day you will be OK, we all go through this.

I've been doing a lot of research on what I'm going through and other relationships that have gone through the same thing, and I'm trying to get a bigger overview of all of my options here. I am keeping everything I've heard here in mind as well, but I do still feel like there is hope, and maybe I've just been looking at this the wrong way or something.

Right now, I could really use some more feedback from people who have been in similar situations and DID get back together after a break. I understand that there is a very low chance of this happening for me, but it is still a chance, and I need to know exactly what to do to increase my chances of this happening. Too much of what I've read and learned up to this point is just saying that "Oh, it's basically going to hurt forever, but slightly less everyday!" So, I've decided that I won't just give up on this. Eitehr way it's going to hurt, and I'm not going to just give up the person that I truly believe is perfect for me, and meant to be with me. I can handle this pain as long as there is hope for now.

So please, anybody with similar experience of taking a break and getting back together, toss me a bone, and let me know your story, or any tips you have. Also, thanks so much to everyone who's been trying to help so far.

Sorry I'm so hard-headed about this. I'm not a quitter.

I went on a break. Last November, my girlfriend suggested we take a break. It killed me. She was everything to me. I don't mean that I didn't have a life without her, but I mean, she was the love of my life, if there is such a thing. The break lasted for about a month, and I tell you, there was no better tme in my life than the first time I hugged her again once we reconciled. I can remember it like yesterday. It was the best hug I had ever had. We got back together about three weeks before Christmas, but she refused to say, "I love you." She waited to say that, as she said, "I want it to mean something."

So, on Christmas day 2008, we were sitting on her grandparents couch, and she took my hand, looked in my eyes, and said, "I love you." I don't think I had ever been that happy before. Like I said, that was over a year ago, and I can remember every single detail of that exact moment. I lit up like a candle.

Flash forward to now. We have been broken up since last August. Things were going good, but in the end, the same problems occurred, and neither of us had really changed. We had grown apart. I mean, I was at her high school and college graduation. We had some really great times together, and I imagine we both have a spot in eachother's heart. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.

That is my story, in a nutshell. Could you guys get back together? Yeah, you could. Are the odds in your favor that it works long term, no, they aren't. But, we don't play poker or craps with human emotions. Vegas doesn't have odds on our heart. All we can do, on here, is offer up our advice and do whatever we can to protect you, because I can tell you, I NEVER would wish the kind of pain I experienced the past five months (and pain that so many others on here have gone through), on anyone. Good luck!

Before the two of you got back together, I'm sure you went through the same doubts and fears that I am currently going though. I'm sure you felt like the best thing that could ever and would ever happen to you was slipping through your fingers and there was nothing you could do about it.

But. If you knew that the two of you would eventualyl get back together, and even if it wasn't meant to last into marriage or the future, but just a short while, would you choose to go through with getting back together with her? OR would you go the rest of your life without ever hearing her say "I love you" again?

This is where I'm at right now, I don't know if we will get back together, but I feel like if there is a chance, and if we did get back together, even if it was just for a short while, I would give everything and anything away to just have that time with her again. To know that she loves me again, and that I get to spend just 5 more minutes in heaven, before I go back to this uncertainty and pain that I'm enduring right now.

I don't regret anything that happened. I know how you feel, and you are going to do what you want to do. I will tell you FLAT OUT, that the pleasure of her saying, "I love you" once more was nowhere near the pain of finding out, on my birthday, that she was seeing someone else.

I don't regret anything that happened. I know how you feel, and you are going to do what you want to do. I will tell you FLAT OUT, that the pleasure of her saying, "I love you" once more was nowhere near the pain of finding out, on my birthday, that she was seeing someone else.

Damn! That must have been hell... yet you are still here, helping other people, and recovering well. You've earned my respect! Good one mate.

As for you Gearh4ad, I have only tried once to get her back and it was more like an eye-opener for me than anything. I realised what she wanted and that she was already moving on while I was hanging on to a very thin thread of hope. You see, with a situation like yours there is no difference between giving up (not calling her) and not giving up (not calling her) at this point because anything you do or say--believe me--will more than likely just push her away--therefore, not giving up means NC as well. The difference will be when --and if-- she decides to call you and get back with you. That's when you will show if you will give up on her or not. She knows you want her back, balls on her court now, let her decide.

The difference will be when --and if-- she decides to call you and get back with you. That's when you will show if you will give up on her or not. She knows you want her back, balls on her court now, let her decide.

Well there's another thing then, she still calls me and still wants to do stuff with me, we went out and had dinner a couple of times already, I just try to play it as cool as possible and make it as much fun for her as I possibly can (No don't worry, it's not apparent that I'm hurting or trying to make her happy with me, I just try to be natural and make sure she is enjoying my company, which she does seem to be)

This however is the longest I've gone yet without seeing her, and it's been something like 5 or 6 days I think. She still talks to me on MSN and I ALWAYS wait for her to talk to me first. She does know how I feel about this and we have talked it over (and yes, she's still telling me that it's a break, and she even went as far as to take my hand and making full eye contact tell me that I'm not losing her). On New Year's Eve, she invited me over and she had another guy friend of hers there, which she even asked me about and wanted to make sure that I wasn't against her hanging out with her friends who happen to be guys. I told her that I didn't mind at all and I perfectly understand that she has friends that are guys and that it was totally cool with me. That night, we did a bunch of fireworks at the guy friend's house and then I drove her (Rachel) home and dropped her off. I told her that I needed to go inside and grab a movie that I had left there recently that needed to be returned, but she insisted on just running in and grabbing it and bringing it out for me. She did this, and then instead of going back to the passenger side of the car (which was closer to the door of her house) she came around to my side, handed my the movie and then asked if she could have a hug. (This sort of blew me away a bit and I got out and gave her a semi-long hug and then I said goodnite and she went inside.

Stuff like this is what's driving me completely insane. It keeps sort of telling me that she does still love me, but really just needs some time to herself for some reason.

Does this sound any more like it might be a possible thing for me? It certainly doesn't seem like your regular ol' breakup story to me. She keeps initiating contact and wanting to do things, and inviting me over, and I have now (twice) asked her if she would like to hang out and once we saw a movie, and the other time we ate dinner. Sorry this post is so long, but I'm afraid leaving out details like this might affect the entire situation on your collective point of view.

I think it is really sweet that you are so in love with her. This is coming from a 14 year old girls point of view, so you don't have to listen to me of you don't want. But I think that you can't let love slip away. If you still love her in time, you can't let her go. Just follow your heart. If this is true love and not just infatuation, you will love her after time. So give it a month or 2, and then your heart will tell you. A fool would sit and watch while his true love left him. Don't give up. Love is the most powerful thing.

Gearhe4d --

Your story sounds just like so many I've read here. My own. KCTiger. Northern Nice Guy. Expat2009. A La King. ITried. Your situation is not special - and you have to realize that there is nothing you could have done t change the outcome other than the timing. If you had of refused to spend more time with you when she asked, she probably would have broken up with you a few weeks later.

Guys start into relationships based on instinct and attraction, but after a while they become very rational about them, in my experience of MOST of my male friends and most on this board. That's why the logic doesn't make sense to you - because you (like most of us) want to look at the situation through a rational lens. You'll get past this in a few weeks.

She, like all of our exes, is doing what many women (especially younger) do in relationships - she's working off emotion and feeling. There's no logic to it. Plus, she's like 20. As much as men are criticized for wanting to "sow their oats" - I can assure you that at least a subset of young women in the population feel much the same way (and that does not entail sex alone).

The best move I made during my breakup was repeatedly telling myself it was over on the night it happened. That way, regardless of how much I wished otherwise later, deep down I didn't believe it. The sooner you realize that, the sooner it will become manageable. You will have bad days.

Gearhe4d --

Your grasping at straws champ. If she wanted to be back together with you then she would be, especially considering all the things you have done AFTER the break-up. You're reaching kiddo, and if you reach to far eventually you will fall down.

Guys start into relationships based on instinct and attraction, but after a while they become very rational about them, in my experience of MOST of my male friends and most on this board. That's why the logic doesn't make sense to you - because you (like most of us) want to look at the situation through a rational lens. You'll get past this in a few weeks.

She, like all of our exes, is doing what many women (especially younger) do in relationships - she's working off emotion and feeling. There's no logic to it. Plus, she's like 20. As much as men are criticized for wanting to "sow their oats" - I can assure you that at least a subset of young women in the population feel much the same way (and that does not entail sex alone).
.

Very true words wolfgang. Girls that age want a loving relationship but at the same time they want to live life freely and experience as much as they can. Now, it's hard to make this balance work because most of us got too much into the relationship after awhile. We dedicated way too much time and effort to the relationship and at the end gave more than we received. Why? They drifted away trying to find what they were looking for.

The girls didn't have enough time left to experience the other side of life they wanted --friends, travel, hobbies, family, school. As they drifted we gave more and more in an effort to get them back --probably even smothering them some of us. In the end, our excessive giving led them to the "breaks" and in some cases to other guys --"stronger" guys (like the ones we were at the start) that would challenge them, get their interest, and form new and "exciting" relationships which will eventually run into the same issues the girls had with us. They claim they still love us and care for us, but the reality is they don't want to be with us anymore, they don't feel the same way. Simple as that.

What to do next? If they are still contacting us --like with Gearh4ead-- wanting to see us, chat, or whatever, then what sort of space is that? The space is not only meant to be physical but also emotional--otherwise were's the growth? Where's the gain? If you keep seeing or letting the person that asked for space contact you over and over than it sounds to me that they just want to have you close to them at their disposal in case their "new" life doesn't workout. If they find that this "new" life makes them happier then kiss her goodbye buddy because she's only thinking about herself while you are thinking nothing about yourself. Now, it's up to you if you want to be led to more pain because if the girl does decide to get back to you, then shortly after, your relationship will run into the same problems. You really think this is worth it? For "five more minutes in heaven"? I'd rather move on, give her COMPLETE space and rebuild my life without her. At the same time I left the doors open to her in case she wants to come back--if she does, I'll have the power once more. IF she doesn't I'll still have complete power over my own life.

The advantages of this reasoning are two. First, you use the space to your advantage also--to rebuild your life without her, pain goes away, your confidence comes back, independence, freedom to talk-or do- whatever you want with whomever you want. Everyday the pain will be less until you actually move on and dig yourself out of the hole. Second, you are giving her space, it's what she NEEDS and WANTS for her self-development, maturity, learning, etc. This space will let her experience life without you and decide if she needs you in it or not. If after some time ---several months usually-- she doesn't miss you then so be it. It's finished for ever. But you won't care because you are moving on fine without her already. If she does want you back--not only will you have the power to decide, but by then you both will have become stronger, happier, more mature, without the scars you gave each other. Your old selves.

Following your heart is one thing but exposing it to someone who is not caring about your feelings is another. They will --perhaps unintentionally-- bring pain and more pain. Over and over. Until you decide to move on. If she's unsure about her feelings well then let her sort them out by herself, no need for you to tell her what to feel, she's already proven she's looking out for herself she doesn't need your help to decide she wants you or not. You love her? Well maybe the best way to show her is by letting her be. If she loves you enough well then let her have a chance to want you back and find you --if you are still available.

As a female I will give you my opinion. I do not know this girl so I cannot say what is in her head nor can I tell you what her plans are.she may need a break no one can know that but her. And I also am in school and work and I need all the time in the world to study and such.
But in reality what you do not want to hear... the others are correct most of the time a female or a male says I need a break its over for good and she probably really loves you but for some reason its not working for her. And the reason she is still being your friend is because it is easing the pain for her its her way of making it easy. And the excuse of time or school and work if you guys are still hanging out as friends and such then what is the time away doing any good? You could still be dating.
Like I said this could go your way but chances are slim to none the best thing for you is to cut all ties... you can't be friends with someone you really reqally loved because it will only hurt you forever any time she dates , etc.. You need to juss go have fun do things you couldn't when you were dating meet new girls even though that may not be easy... its not fair that she's making you hurt so bad juss so its easier for her... if she wants you back she will let you know... as long as she knows she has your heart and she is your friend shell never lose you but yet she can go meet new guys and it won't be cheating... go have fun!!
Sorry about all you are going through!

Well, after a lot (and man oh man do I mean a lot_ of careful consideration about all of this, why the hell would I ever just completely break contact with her and not even be her friend and get to see her at all anymore? Now that I've had some time to think on that, it seems crazy to me to just completely throw away a relationship with someone so perfectly connected with me. She still seems to want to hang out every now and then and still makes contact with me first, I feel like I'd be an idiot to throw away such a special relationship, even if it's just a friendship. I do truly and deeply love this girl, but she's also one of my very best friends, she understands my brand of humor, she likes everything I like, and we have so much fun together.

If I can still have her as a friend, and even if she did start dating another guy, at least I'll still get to spend time with her. People like her are very rare, or at least they have been in my life. It's not like I won't know she's dating another guy (that's even if she does) by just breaking off from her. I will find out I'm sure.

You are going to learn the hardway, huh?

you are going to learn the hardway, huh?

I've already lost her as a girlfriend (at least for now) why lose her as a friend too?

Sounds like the common case of the first broken heart. You obviously aren't listening. Then, why ask?

Try to understand that I am trying to listen to everyone and really learn from all of this, but it's extremely difficult to just completely cut off the person I love most in this world.

I've already lost her as a girlfriend (at least for now) why lose her as a friend too?

Because you're going to turn into a puppydog. In fact, I think it's safe to say you already are a puppydog.

I'm not really sure what you mean.

Try to understand that I am trying to listen to everyone and really learn from all of this, but it's extremely difficult to just completely cut off the person I love most in this world.

I don't think you've listened to a single thing here. What you've done is basically justified being a doormat.

All right, given that you are probably are not going to listen to us... You will slowly transition from the ex-zone to the friend-zone. Not only will you be in the friend-zone but she will also be well aware that you are madly in love with her, which means she will get whatever she wants from you, emotionally and such. This will cause you great pain. Every single day---it won't cease as long as you maintain your feelings towards her---which you won't. Eventually, she will meet other guys --first as friends-- then one day she will give you the news. From there on it's all going to get worse... I say this because I was there. Eventually, I left. In some 9 months or so I was completely over her. Today, I have her friendship once more. Far from best friends but we share good memories. You see? You will NEVER lose her. This time away from her --as long as it takes to heal-- is for you! When you are ready you can look her up, and I'm sure she will be happy to be your friend then and so will you.

Anyway, in the end, it's all up to you. Take whatever advice that you can take and good luck with everything. I really hope --although veeeery improbable-- that you come back one day and tell us all to stick it because you are back with her and happy once more.

Your wanting someone to get on here and tell you it will be OK and they had some success story its not going to happen we have all been there and even though you are more then likely going to continue to have full contacvt with her no matter what we say and yes we all understand how hard it is to juss to forget all contact with the person you are in love with this happens every day... we are trying to help you and the best thing for you is forget her for awhile get your own life straight you have to get over her and then you can be friends or else this terreible feeling you are feeling right now will be there forever unless you like it

Yea when I said earlier that I thought you shouldn't let the love of your life slip away, I didn't mean to go let her trample all over you! I meant that you shouldn't let her slip away if she wants to come back. Seriously, please listen! You have to give her space. You think she's the greatest person in the world. News flash: she probably isn't. If you listen to what we say, you will get over her in time and find someone else who is even better! OMG! There is no one better, right? Yes there is. You will never find that new girl, though, if you continue to follow after her. So let it go, and in the end you will both end up happy and friends.

The fact that this is a forum on the internet doesn't mean we aren't real people that have feelings. All of us here, kctiger, a la king, arzy, itried, ferrell, 411help, and many others have felt--or are feeling-- similar pain that you are feeling now. You think we aren't as IN LOVE as you are?? You think I don't think about my girlfriend --or ex-- all the time? I miss her like crazy! Geez!! I'd give my left ball to be with her now, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie--rather than giving advice to a stranger!

What we say here to you is for your own good not ours. Many of us are trying to move on. Trying to forget them--because let's face it, we have very slim chances --and so do you. Why wait for someone to make up their mind when we are giving them our hearts? Not fair is it? I want to move on because I hate this pain, and I hate the fact that she can't be mine. I hate that I am hurting knowing that she's out there moving on while I am over here trying to forget her. That's what NC is for, so we can forget easier and relieve this pain.

YES! I think she is the most amazing and beautiful thing in this world. But she is mine no more. I know If I call her right this moment and tell her I want to be her friend instead of losing her she would be happy to. But I don't want to stand there giving her my heart while she keeps her's away safe from me to give to someone else. No thank you, been there done that, and believe me, the pain is even worse than being dumped cause then you are being replaced. Like a used tyre, forgotten and discarded. That's what the friend-zone is like. True friendship is awesome but not when you love someone without reciprocity. This is not my opinion. It's a fact.

Every one who comes here finds it extremely difficult to cut an ex out of their life, and it's the hardest thing you will ever do, no matter how many times it happens, but especially the first time.

The first thing you must face is after a break up, everything changes, as her feelings, and attitudes, are not the same any more, and where you see a friend slip away, until your heart is healed from the hurt and pain, and your head has accepted this break up, you will be lousy friends, because everything she says will confuse you, and give you the false hope she wants you back.

Why? Because that's what you really want from her, and that's all you will see is her changing back by some miracle, or because you think she will see what she has missed.

Seldom does it work that way. You will be very miserable wondering what she is doing, and to whom, and although she still talks to you, it will be as a friend, and not like it was before. The worst part is when she is to busy for you, and spends time with another, and that will really hurt. So you see, the more contact after a break up, the more you keep that hole in your soul open, and unfulfilled, and all the feelings, and emotions still stirred up, and the pain fresh and up front.

That's what NC helps you with, giving you a chance to see what your really doing to yourself, and giving you that chance to heal, and deal with what your going through. Its not about losing your best friend, its getting yourself back, and being good to you. Then you will be happy with yourself, and be able to share that happiness with others. We all have had to learn how to cope with our hurt, and disappointments, and so shall you.

What you have to think about is she keeps wanting a "break" from you and your relationship and you keep hangin around being there for her and your not letting yourself be happy its time for you to be a man and tell her you want a break you want a break from the friend role because that's just a joke... dude she has you on a leash I can tell you right now all it is she has you where you are crazy about her you won't move on and you would do anything for her its like your still dating almost but your not so she can go be free meet guys , etc... and when and if she ever needs a fling your right there... you her safe spot you make her feel like she will never be alone because if she doesn't have anyone else for awhile and she begins to get lonely well guess what right there you are... she's using you if she really really loved you she wouldn't want a break... she don't want to be with you but she wants you close so no one else can have you... because even if you move on a little bit she snap her fingers and say she wants you back and there you go right back to her until that girl is out of the picture... move on buddy

DUDE!. please listen to us and everything we are saying. You are going to create a longer and more painful journey for yourself otherwise. This thread is now 10 pages of everyone telling you the same thing. You really need to open your eyes and READ what we are saying and try to understand. Its such a hard situation.. we understand, all of us here have been or are going through heartache... we are here for support... but when 6 million people are telling you the same thing.. its time to listen dude!.
Move on, live well, be happy.. it wasn't meant to be!. Im sorry!

So... We've all heard your entire situaton.
You've read everyone's reply.
Still... you feel you have to be with her.
I say do it... be her friend,but know, like what everyone has been telling you, it's going to hurt, a lot.
If you can't live with out her, the other choice is to live in pain with her.
This is the answer you've been waiting for, right? : Be her friend, be there for her when she needs you, be there for her beck and call. Move into her friend-zone. It'll be OK. Enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours-at her convenience.

But know, it will be painful. You'll see her with other guys, you'll be there to witness her love for someone else grow. And you, well you'll be placed in a whole different list. This list is one for those that can not cross over to the place you want to be. Why should she be your girl-friend when she can have you as a friend and still give her heart to someone else?

It will be OK. You will heal, it'll take soooo much more time for you to heal but, you will heal. The advice given to you by all these guys is to help you heal faster, to grow and learn, faster. In hopes that you will not hold herself to her, so that you don't miss out on the girl that might be there waiting to be your one and only. I agree. But if you say you'd be OK with the pain that is to come. Then that's on you.

You won't crumble and die from this, the more pain and tribulation you experience, the more you build your character. Everyone's hoping that you build it with may different experiences instead of just from her.

I did tell you that I broke off and got back together after a year. I also need to let you know that I did keep in touch with him. It hurt him a whole lot more than I had thought. It drove him to drinking and druging. It drove him to near suicide at one point. This is the kind of pain that everyone is trying to spare you from. It took him a long time to realize that I wasn't worth it, it took me a whole lot of convincing, to make him understand that I could be with someone so lacking. So he took my advice and started to go about his life. After I was done with my break, he was glad to take me back. But if I never returned to him, he would have been OK. He would be missing me but it all would have been OK.

On an another note. During my "break" I met a guy. He fell in love with me but I didn't love him, he knew this. He even tried to date my sister, in hopes that she may have the same qualities as I do. They were not a match made in heaven. But after 3 years, I couldn't understand how one of the nicest people I know, could be with such a witch. It took me another year to realized, that he dealt with her bull just to be around me and my family. He even dealt through my man's chaos to make sure he is around to be there for me. Once realized, I tried to make him understand that he is my best friend and him breaking up with my sister wouldn't change that. So without a second thought he broke up with her. I've known him now for 6 years. He's been my best friend for 3 of those 6. Things are happening in my life that causes my man to be away for quite some time. My best friend, in a drunkin stuper broke down and confessed his love for me. I don't love him, not in that way. It took me a lot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.

Like I said either way you choose to go about it, you will be OK, it's only a matter of how resilient you are to pains of the heart and time.
Cut contact to heal and maybe she'll come back to you, if she doesn't then nothing lost.
Or keep contact and keep the wound fresh for as long as you want to, with a big possibility that she doesn't come back to you, everything lost except memories(good and painful).

Whew that was a long one, but you asked for it.:D

You know what I agree with you people! This is just going to keep hurting you, so why bother? That girl needs to cut you some slack. If that girl really did love you believe me you would have known if she did without all the "I need a break" and ! Believe me I've been in a worse situation where I fell for a prostitute. That little had been acting for two ing years and not even her family or friends found out that she was a prostitute. Can't believe I fell for that ! And trust me you would NOT want to know what that little prostitute is like. So here's my advise to you, don't look for true love, let true love look for you, believe me it works!

Man, honestly, I'm in the same situation you are in. Listen to me! The longer you keep in touch with her the longer your pain duration will be. Whether you want to be in indescribable heart ache is irrelevant to me, but I'm guessing you don't. I just talked to my EX yesterday to wish her a happy birthday, and stupid me, stayed on the phone for about 35 minutes. I even found out she was dating a new guy. Isn't that great? Now, I'm back to Day 1. But, you know what? That's OK. Because, I'm just going to get back on the horse and continue riding, no matter how many times I fall off. That's what you need to do. The jealousy, the hurt, and the pain you are feeling are all normal. And the contact you are maintaing with her will not help.

You will wake up one day soon and realize we were all right. This will probably be after she has stomped you heart further into the pavement. You are in for a really hard lesson to learn. Sometime people just have to learn for themselves... the hard way.

You will realize this very soon. When you finally accept the reality of the situation, we will all still be here helping others like you.

Good Luck! When your head starts pounding from cracking it on the brick wall of a break-up, take some aspirin. You're going to need it.

The sad thing is you will probably end up blaming her for sending you mixed signals.

So, are you guys who have gone through this kind of situation and practiced "No Contact" happy now? Have any of you moved on and found this magical person who everyone talks about and feels exactly the same way for you as you do for them?

I need some kind of hope here that it isn't just going to get slightly less painful every day.

Life sux, deal with it. :p
J/K
Sorry, I don't think anybody here has that magic wand.

I need some kind of hope here that it isn't just going to get slightly less painful every day.


It only gets slightly less painful everyday... Hope your not expecting this pain to just magically disppear because sorry bud, it doesn't work that way.

I was with my ex for FOUR YEARS!! I was a sorry excuse for a man when we broke up but here I am strong and happy again. No I have not met the next girl yet but I am not sweating it, I will and so will you. Look around you, at all the married couples out there... How many of those relationships are first loves?? Barely any of them. To think you are alone in all this is ridiculous, everyone breaks up, everyone goes through this! But you will come out of it OK, it's a learning process... I couldn't imagine being happy when I was you, but guess what, I AM NOW! No contact is the only way to go, these people aren't just saying it for no reason. It helped me and it will help you too. I have gone through it all and can tell you that breaking it does nothing but hurt you more.

REMEMBER, EVERYONE HERE IS PRACTICING WHAT THEY PREACH!! SO LISTEN!!

The pain goes away little by little. If you're looking for a magic cure, good luck. Because, we don't have one.

So...We've all heard your entire situaton.
You've read everyone's reply.
Still...you feel you have to be with her.
I say do it...be her friend,but know, like what everyone has been telling you, it's going to hurt, alot.
If you can't live with out her, the other choice is to live in pain with her.
This is the answer you've been waiting for, right? : Be her friend, be there for her when she needs you, be there for her beck and call. Move into her friend-zone. It'll be ok. Enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours-at her convenience.

But know, it will be painful. You'll see her with other guys, you'll be there to witness her love for someone else grow. And you, well you'll be placed in a whole different list. This list is one for those that can not cross over to the place you want to be. Why should she be your girl-friend when she can have you as a friend and still give her heart to someone else?

It will be ok. You will heal, it'll take soooo much more time for you to heal but, you will heal. The advice given to you by all these guys is to help you heal faster, to grow and learn, faster. In hopes that you will not hold herself to her, so that you don't miss out on the girl that might be there waiting to be your one and only. I agree. But if you say you'd be ok with the pain that is to come. Then that's on you.

You wont crumble and die from this, the more pain and tribulation you experience, the more you build your character. Everyone's hoping that you build it with may different experiences instead of just from her.

I did tell you that I broke off and got back together after a year. I also need to let you know that I did keep in touch with him. It hurt him a whole lot more than I had thought. It drove him to drinking and druging. It drove him to near suicide at one point. This is the kind of pain that everyone is trying to spare you from. It took him a long time to realize that I wasn't worth it, it took me a whole lot of convincing, to make him understand that I could be with someone so lacking. So he took my advice and started to go about his life. After I was done with my break, he was glad to take me back. But if I never returned to him, he would have been ok. He would be missing me but it all would have been ok.

On an another note. During my "break" I met a guy. He fell in love with me but I didn't love him, he knew this. He even tried to date my sister, in hopes that she may have the same qualities as I do. They were not a match made in heaven. But after 3 years, I couldn't understand how one of the nicest people I know, could be with such a witch. It took me another year to realized, that he dealt with her bull just to be around me and my family. He even dealt through my man's chaos to make sure he is around to be there for me. Once realized, I tried to make him understand that he is my best friend and him breaking up with my sister wouldn't change that. So without a second thought he broke up with her. I've known him now for 6 years. He's been my best friend for 3 of those 6. Things are happening in my life that causes my man to be away for quite some time. My best friend, in a drunkin stuper broke down and confessed his love for me. I don't love him, not in that way. It took me alot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.

Like I said either way you choose to go about it, you will be ok, it's only a matter of how resilient you are to pains of the heart and time.
Cut contact to heal and maybe she'll come back to you, if she doesn't then nothing lost.
Or keep contact and keep the wound fresh for as long as you want to, with a big possiblity that she doesn't come back to you, everything lost except memories(good and painful).

Whew that was a long one, but you asked for it.:D

It's so nice to hear this from a girl's point of view, and from a the point of veiw of someone who did get back together with their true love after a break. It is starting to hurt a bit less everyday, but I really can't see myself giving up hope on our relationship. I know I've made just as much of an impact on her life as she has on mine, and in truth, I can't imagine her being happy with someone else the way she was hapy with me. I do wish her the best, and I do hope that she finds her true love, even if it isn't me. I certainly am not interested in dating again, and I probably won't for an extremely long time, I just don't want to ever put someone else through what I'm going through if I felt the same way about a new relationship as my girlfriend has with me. It's not fair to fall in love with someone and know inside that they are the most perfect person you could ever meet, and then have to move on and try to find someone new.

Maybe what I'm saying dosen't even make sense, I really don't know anymore I guess.

I do know that I am not angry with her, and I respect whatever she wants to do or thinks she needs to do, and I will be here if she comes back like she promised. If she dosen't, I still won't hold anything against her.

Well regardless of how you go about it, you will come out of it OK. And you'll learn the lessons you have to.

And you can't help these things, so don't be afraid to hurt or be hurt in another relationship... Its all part of finding the right person for you.

UMM... great, I guess.
But don't be scared to love again.
Remember, you've only live 1/4 of your life yet. So much more to come. Don't make her your everything. Live and learn and grow.

God doesn't give you the people you WANT, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you - to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Keep an open mind and an open heart... towards others.

You keep saying the same things over and over.

"She's perfect."

Sorry buddy, she's not.

Seriously, stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Don't wait around for her like a puppet she can string along every time she needs some entertainment.

Sadly, your nothing but her doormat.

I don't mean to sound mean. But, that's the reality of the situation. Grow up.

I got to admit though, this would be much easier to handle if all of my friends hadn't pretty much moved away just before this break up too. My four best friends all had to head back to college and now it kind of feels like I'm all alone.

Hate to whine, but it helps to let this stuff out.

Its better to let it out then to hold it in because it will onle drive you crazy in the end... yeah it will definitely be hard without friends because you need to keep yourself busy... make new friends or go to the club or something do anything to keep your mind off this whole situation

Definitely make new friends. Get involved in other activities... whether it be volunteering, hiking, anything. Pursue your interests. When this happens, you will inevitably make new friends that share these interests.

Friendship is essential. Happiness is greatest when shared. With these friends, you will learn to laugh and love again. Your memories of the girl will be replaced by memories of friendship.

Then, when you least expect it, bam! you will find another girl, and things will start to click. And now, having a battle-scarred heart, you won't jump too fast into the relationship. You will take the time to figure out if she is really the "one". You won't sacrifice your friends for the new girl. You will still remain to be you, with the same friends and interests. And you will love yourself.

And she will love you for not changing who you were when she first fell in love with you. She will love you for being independent, somewhat of a "challenge", maybe mystery even, because you didn't just give your heart away like all of the other boyfriends she had.

But this all starts when you start getting your life together and forgetting the old girl. I'm still at that stage. New year, new life. I wish the best of luck to you friend.

(At least that's what I'm getting from things. I'm only 21 years old, but I've frequented this thread often, and the people here have much to share and tell)

All you need is time!

Building a life that you enjoy, with friends, and activities ,that make you happy, will be the most rewarding, and beneficial thing you may ever do, so forget the other stuff, and get busy.

Definitely make new friends. Get involved in other activities... whether it be volunteering, hiking, anything. Pursue your interests. When this happens, you will inevitably make new friends that share these interests.

Friendship is essential. Happiness is greatest when shared. With these friends, you will learn to laugh and love again. Your memories of the girl will be replaced by memories of friendship.

Then, when you least expect it, bam!, you will find another girl, and things will start to click. And now, having a battle-scarred heart, you won't jump too fast into the relationship. You will take the time to figure out if she is really the "one". You won't sacrifice your friends for the new girl. You will still remain to be you, with the same friends and interests. And you will love yourself.

And she will love you for not changing who you were when she first fell in love with you. She will love you for being independant, somewhat of a "challenge", maybe mystery even, because you didn't just give your heart away like all of the other boyfriends she had.

But this all starts when you start getting your life together and forgetting the old girl. I'm still at that stage. New year, new life. I wish the best of luck to you friend.

(At least that's what i'm getting from things. I'm only 21 years old, but i've frequented this thread often, and the people here have much to share and tell)

These have been some of the most encouraging and helpful words I've read yet. I think I might be getting out of this extreme funk a bit, or maybe it's just a temporary high point, but I sort of feel like things are going to be okay right now.

Thanks again everyone.

I hope not. The love of your life belongs with you.

Good to see you are taking a step in the right direction. I just hope for your sake that you don't backslide when you hear of her with another guy.

I admit I gave up on this thread pages ago when all you wanted was justification for being her lap dog so I don't know if you have maintained contact or not. I hope when she comes calling you have the strength to tell her 'NO'.

I agree with the above its good to hear your doing better juss continue to go ahead don't let yourself fall back into this funk... but you'll be OK

Right here it is from a woman's point of view, who was in the same shoes as your girlfriend a few weeks ago.
I told my fella I needed a break because I did. I needed to re evaluate what we had what we didn't have and what I really wanted. If your girl needs time to sort her head let her sort her head out. If she values school and other aspects in her life then they need to be sorted too. She can't give up on them for a man!!
In case your wondering I never split up with my fella we worked out what we both wanted and have accommodated this between us. If she says she loves you then believe her. Has she ever given you any reason to think that she doesn't.
The worst thing that my fella did though was start being all soppy and trying to make everything perfect and promise me the world. Everyone knows you can't give someone the world even if they ask for it!

If she values school and other aspects in her life then they need to be sorted too. She can't give up on them for a man!!!


Am I the only one that has a problem with this way of thinking? Working or going to school does not mean that you have to get out of a relationship, or even 'take a break', to do well in either (unless the relationship is so unhealthy that has a detrimental effect). If you find that you don't have as much time for your significant other because of school/work then the healthy thing would to work that out with him/her. Not give up all together. My point is that you shouldn't have to choose one over the other.

I didn't say she has to get out of a relationship, just give her time to sort out what she wants to do! She maybe so in love with him that she can't concentrate on the things she needs to. If like the him she thinks about him all day then this may be affecting her. Her education/ career is impoortant.
All I am saying is that he shouldn't give up on her and automatically start thinking that the relationship is going to end.

Stop giving him false hope he doesn't need to hear. The relationship is at an end. When you are in a relationship there is a fine balance that needs to be met. No matter how stressful the career may be. Relationships are about compromise and understanding. You don't need to completely leave someone to focus on a career.

As I already said I was in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and I repeat me and my fella never split up because I wanted a break. So he shouldn't give up hope. If he wants the love of his life then why shouyld he give her up. He loves his girlfriend and doesn't want let her go so why should he.

He loves his girlfriend and doesnt want let her go so why should he.
Because she has obviously given up on the relationship. By him sticking around it's just making it all that much more painful for him.

I'm sorry, but we don't live in a fantasy land where all of our wishes come true. Although he may love this girl with every fiber of his body. It's still irrelevant. You need to understand that his wants are different from hers at this moment. Nothing he says or does will change that. Of course he wants her. But, does that justify for him to let his head remain in the clouds? no. The reality of the situation is just that. Accept it.

As i already said i was in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and i repeat me and my fella never split up because i wanted a break. So he shouldnt give up hope. If he wants the love of his life then why shouyld he give her up. He loves his girlfriend and doesnt want let her go so why should he.

As I said before none of us know this girl so we really do not know her intentions BUT to need a break for school or work is bull because number one if you really love someone then taking a break would only make it harder for her in school and work
Number 2 why does she need a break for school and work yet they can still hang out and do all the things they did when they dated? If you need time for school and work then stay the hell away she proved herself to be a liar


And now I also am a female and I also was in his girlfriends position and let me juss say GET THE HELL AWAY I took my break and I really loved my boyfriend... but he wanted different things like me to have no friends he was extremely jeoulous... but my break was meeting a new guy because I thought that's what I wanted but in the end I found out I didn't and to make a long story short he moved out of state but we did get back together... yep we sure did 4 years later and actually I juss had his little girl a month ago.. but we are not together once again... we grew apart and we thought things would work... I did a lot of growing up and he didn't so people have there own sneeky reasons of wanting a break whether they are brave enough to admit it or not...

ListLost...
You have just set him back to square one.
The point here is that he can't just sit around and wait for her.
If she comes back to him... great!
If not.. oh well.
In the meantime, he needs to live his life. Be active, make new friends, and if along the way there happens to be some other girl that catches his interest-not to turn her away for the sake of his ex.
And that's what a "break" makes her, an EX.
Of course "breaks" are always for selfish reasons. It most likely means that she thinks that there is something lacking in the relationship. So what he thinks was perfect, was not to her. He needs to realize that. And in order to realize anything, he needs to take a step back and really think about it in an different point of view then he is now. He can't do that if he's put shutters around his eyes like a racing horse making her the goal line.

Look right, I was simply trying to say, if she is what he wants like anything else in the world be it a job or a dream then should he not go for it. Yes I agree he should not set himself up for heartbreak but I don't think he should totally give it up as a lost cause. Iwas in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and my relationship never ended after I said I wanted a break. And yes he should get new friends start doing new things, but thisis no a sitcom she didn't say she wanted to completley break up, or if she did he never wrote that. Anyway I only wrote and told him my opion as he everyone else did with theirs. Just thought it may be useful as I was in a similar situation.

Look right, i was simply trying to say, if she is what he wants like anything else in the world be it a job or a dream then should he not go for it. Yes i agree he should not set himself up for heartbreak but i dont think he should totally give it up as a lost cause. Iwas in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and my relationship never ended after i said i wanted a break. And yes he should get new friends start doing new things, but thisis no a sitcom she didnt say she wanted to completley break up, or if she did he never wrote that. Anyway i only wrote and told him my opion as he everyone else did with theirs. Just thought it may be useful as i was in a similar situation.

This is another person- not a job or some fancy car he can just 'go for'.

The point of a break or breakup or whatever the hell you want to call it is to CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE - for yourself! If she comes back fine, if not oh well.

How do you purpose he not set himself up for heartbreak and not chalking it up as a lost cause?

You are really sending all sorts of mixed messages.

Am I the only one that has a problem with this way of thinking? Working or going to school does not mean that you have to get out of a relationship, or even 'take a break', to do well in either (unless the relationship is so unhealthy that has a detrimental effect). If you find that you don't have as much time for your significant other because of school/work then the healthy thing would to work that out with him/her. Not give up all together. My point is that you shouldn't have to choose one over the other.

This is exactly what I have been thinking about for the entire duration of this whole "break" thing.

I told her out right that I understand she needs more time for school and for work and to just generally be around people other than me, and that I have been around too much and need to even focus on myself more as well. I tried to make that part work with her, and she told me again that she just needed some time and space right now for herself, and that she knows in her heart that she will probably end up marrying me even, but she still kept with the break. All of this was about two weeks after the initial break was established.

Now though, I can't really tell what is going on in her head, I haven't seen her or verbally spoken with her in something like 12 or 13 days. We still talk on MSN nearly everyday, and she tells me about what she's doing with her friends (who sadly all happen to be guys, but she even asked me if I would be okay with that because she was worried, and I just told her that I trust her and that she can hang out with whoever she wants, it's not my place to say who she can spend her time with, I just would love it if she could fit me in)

All of these mixed signals are making it difficult.

You're joking me right?

Why are you talking to her on MSN?

Come on man.

NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. That includes EVERYTHING.

She wouldn't be giving you mixed signals if she wasn't talking to you, would she?

I blame you, not her.

You're joking me right?

Why are you talking to her on MSN?

Come on man.

NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. That includes EVERYTHING.

She wouldn't be giving you mixed signals if she wasn't talking to you, would she?

I blame you, not her.

It's great how everything about this seems to be my fault. All I have ever done is treat her with respect, and kindness, and love. I feel like I've done nothing wrong here, she is the one who is confused. You don't tell someone that you love them and want to marry them and talk about the future with them and then just tell them you need some time off and not mean it. That is completely ridiculous. If anything, some part of her still loves me, which means she could realize that and eventually come back to me. I'm not saying I need to figure out how to get her back at this point, and I understand that I should let her come to me, but if I just ignore her when she openly tries to talk to me on something like MSN, I don't understand what the problem is.

The problem is very clear.

You just choose to ignore it.

The more you talk to her, the more mixed signals you will receive. I'm sorry to tell you this, but she doesn't care for you like you care for her.

You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and live a life without her.

hey Gearhe4d,
If your going to do no contact- you have to be real about it- MSN her means your okay will all this and your around to pick her up when she is finished playing around.

Are u willing to be second best? I hope your answer is NO!

Just think if you did not MSN her -you could have spent that time doing something for yourself that you would value!

Go NO Contact and leave her alone, if you don't leave her alone- you will get hurt more and more and more and eventually you will go INSANE! She will give you lots of mix signals- none of it will help and will give you false hope on sec and will kill your heart the other sec.

I know this is v hard for you- it is true- its horrible and v painful- but as difficult as it is- you must think of YOU. Do whatever you have to do to get YOU back and get YOU to be happier- if if this mean you smile for 1 hr in a 24 hr day.

You should read my post! I have been all over HELL and back-letting go of someone you love v much is not a light issue indeed.

People say time- things will get better- I never believed it- but today I will say yes that is true- but it only gets better when the whole situation sinks in and you realise YOU are v important to YOU.

Remember who you are, and how wonderful you are, remember she left this wonderful person!
Remember all the good things you did- now think she left me after I did all these nice things- is that fair?

Well its like this Gear,

I know it seems messed up that someone can say something to you like I see myself marrying you even when they want a break. It makes no sense right? Well you're not alone on this, my ex told me that from day one of our break.

She even continued to tell me this as she proceeded to sleep with two other guys.

When I was back in your state of mind I held onto these words, I thought of them as words of hope that we would one day be back together. But now, being able to see through clear eyes I know they meant nothing. Does it seem reasonable to you that someone can tell you they love you and see themselves marrying you but can turn around and take a break from you. That's not how love goes my friend, she is keeping you holding on for her while she is out finagling with who ever the hell. You have to take this girl off this pedestal you have built for her, she is not perfect and is manipulating you. I WAS YOU, I know its hard to listen to but you have to believe me.

I know she keeps talking to you but you have to put a stop to it. If you feel bad about just ignoring her than just tell her that if she wants a break than she has to take it. She can't leave, break your heart and expect to be able to have you to come talk to.

You even said it yourself, its funny how she needs a break from you for school and stuff, but can make plenty of other time for these other guy "friends" of hers.

Man up and take control of this situation! This is your life and you can't let a girl do this to you. If she wants to give it another try than its up to you if you want to give it another go, until then you disappear, you have better things to do than wait around for her!!

I can't imagine the guilt that I wuld feel if I did this same thing to her, and if I started just screwing another girl or even hanging aroudn other girls. It dosen't even make sense.

I know what you are going to say to that, and that she dosen't care, but it's just so strange that she could set aside any feelings for me and easily go about this.

Gear, I was with my ex for 4 years! For 3.5 of those years we planned on getting married and sharing a life together. I never could imagined something like this could ever happen to me. I was flabbergasted when I found these things out about her. How could someone who told me she loved me more than life turn around and give herself so easily to someone else.

And that's the thing, YOU, ME and EVERYONE else in this thread weren't the ones that wanted out of the relationship. You are very much in love with this person and could never imagine doing something like that to them. But you have to realize, for them something has changed. They don't feel the same way we do anymore. So when they do go off and hook up and move on from us they are not doing it as the person that loved you the way they used to. They are different, those feelings aren't there for them anymore.

And really we can't blame them for that, it happens... But what you can blame them for and put a stop to is them stringing you along and playing with your heart.

Its crazy how your world can come crashing down around you, and how everything that you thought could never happen can.

Of course its strange.

Don't try to understand the situation. Because, you never will. Learn from us. Just move on.

Of course its strange.

Don't try to understand the situation. Because, you never will. Learn from us. Just move on.

Hm. I suppose so.

I just feel like I won't ever really be able to trust anyone again, I never felt so sure of anything in this world about how we felt about each other, and I was wrong. Weird.

You know the funny part? You will love and trust again. Someone will come along when you least expect it, when you are a well developed, independent man.

I agree with all others that say NO CONTACT, only because you seem to be in a place that can't seem to let go.
On the other hand... If you are OK with just being her friend, then by all means be her friend. These guys are trying to help you get over her, but obviously you refuse to take that in as an option for you. I think they're trying to let you know that as long as you stay in contact with her, it's just the same as telling her that you are OK with this "break" thing. If you are not OK with the break thing, then you should let her know by cutting contact with her. I think this is what the guys are saying. By all means, I'm sure most of the guys here have Ex-girlfriends as friends. If so, it was probably because they were OK with being friends, and no longer hold hope of getting back with them as girl-boy friends.
If you are OK with just being friends with her, be friends, but that means you have to let go of the hope of her coming back to you as a girlfriend.
If you are NOT OK with her "break" decision, you need to let het know that you are not a doormat and stop all contact.
Like I said, breaks are for selfish reasons, weather good or bad.
You stated that you wouldn't feel right hanging out with girls and meeting girl-friend prospects. Why not? You aren't looking into jumping into a new relationship anyway. What's wrong with hanging out with girls? It's not like you have wrongful intentions with them. She doesn't seem to think it would be a problem to do the same.
Let's say she loves you, let's say that's your future wifey. Both of you are still young, there are may things of this world yet to experience. Some have to be done alone. She may already know this and maybe that is the reason for a break. So she can experience the world alone with out her future hubby. You need to do the same.
Maybe she wants see if there is someone better than you out there, if not she'll return. Shouldn't you find out the same? See if there is someone out there that will appreciate you, if not then you can take her back.
Remember, she called for the break. You can't make her come back to you, she decides that. If, IF she does decide she wants you back, you have the power to take her back, if by that time you still want her.
But in the meantime, live, grow to be the man that she would regret ever letting go of.

I think they're trying to let you know that as long as you stay in contact with her, it's just the same as telling her that you are ok with this "break" thing. If you are not ok with the break thing, then you should let her know by cutting contact with her. I think this is what the guys are saying. By all means, I'm sure most of the guys here have Ex-girlfriends as friends. If so, it was probably because they were ok with being friends, and no longer hold hope of getting back with them as girl-boy friends.
If you are ok with just being friends with her, be friends, but that means you have to let go of the hope of her coming back to you as a girlfriend.
If you are NOT OK with her "break" decision, you need to let het know that you are not a doormat and stop all contact.

Woah woah, hold on a second. Is it true that if I'm her friend now that we can never really be together again? I'm not really understanding that part.

Usually, once your in the friend zone, your stuck there.

Things are way too fresh for you to see clearly. Over the coming weeks things will make more sense. Your conclusions will change and that's where the learning begins. And yes, you will trust again, once time has done it's healing.

Focus on yourself FIRST. Become a better version of you--a healed version--that loves himself and enjoys life once more. How? Do the things you like to do for yourself --whether it's a sport, some hobby, or spending quality time with family and friends. Everyday you will become more sure of yourself--you'll regain your confidence little by little. As for girls, stay away from them --romantically-- for awhile, you don't need to jump straight into another relationship or hookup with any chick. It won't do you any good. When you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off--they will come to you. You will love and be loved again--and this time you will be wiser and more prepared.

Woah woah, hold on a second. Is it true that if I'm her friend now that we can never really be together again? I'm not really understanding that part.

It's not that you can't be together again but it's highly unlikely if you stay there at her side. She will see you as a friend and nothing more. She will get used to seeing you as a friend and won't look at you as anything more than that--even less if she has another guy. That's why it's called a Friend-zone. Sticking around will just slow you down my friend. The pain will not let you enjoy life and when you realise this you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time,

From my experiences and what I've read here. Those rare cases in which two exes do get back together usually occur when there is a significant amount of time apart and no contact is maintained. Enough time so both people can mature, grow up, find themselves, experience different things, etc. This might be a year or maybe several who knows. One day one calls the other and if there is still interest than things could workout. The key here is that both people have developed and improved themselves enough so that those problems that lead to the first break don't re-surface. Keep in mind that these cases are few and far between and I'm sure most of them weren't really expecting to get back together it just happens. You give each other space, plenty of time apart, no communication, so you can heal and move on. Maybe she wants you back one day or maybe she never does--but it won't matter cause you would've moved on without her regardless.

[QUOTE=compsavvyimnot;1474746]It took me a lot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.

Read my previous post quoted above.

Now "no contact" is starting to make more sense to me. I wasn't aware of this whole "friend-zone" means you'll never get her back thing.

Yikes.

Friend-Zone doesn't mean you you'll never get her back, it just makes it that much harder to make the transition if wanted.

Most relationships are complicated. So much more complicated than friendships. Why risk losing a great friend by trying to make it into a relationship? This is the question you want her to avoid asking herself.

Now "no contact" is starting to make more sense to me. I wasn't aware of this whole "friend-zone" means you'll never get her back thing.

Yikes.

Doesn't mean you will never be her friend again. Let yourself move on first. In the future, if you are still interested in her friendship, I'm sure you can get in touch with her. Not before you are completely over her of course.

It has taken me four months to get serious about No Contact. Four months of false hope filled agony. Amazing hope-filled highs, quickly followed by rock bottom lows.

You only set yourself up for extreme heartache by keeping in contact... unimaginable pain... especially when you find out that they have been giving themselves to another guy so quickly... literally replacing you with someone else.

I am only just getting serious about NC now... because I am sick to death of the constant pain. They don't mean to give false hope... its just your brain misinterpretes what she will say because it will be what you want to hear.

All these people giving you advice on here... they are so unbelievably correct in what they are saying... you just can't see it right now because it is not what you want to hear. In time you will see they are right. I just hope it doesn't take you four months to figure it out. That is four months of potential healing time I have spent in a false hope filled, heartbroken state.

There is lots of good advice here, act on it even though you may not believe it yet. These folks are trying to save you some of the pain that they have been through. No contact works, it also builds yourself respect, the other option it to continue to prolong the hurt and have yourself esteem battered.

I still see your still not getting it. Today is Sunday, go to church, pray for your girlfriend to have a good life and that you can move on and both of you can find enjoyment apart.

So, a friend of mine talked with her the other day apparently (no I had nothing to do with it) but they said that she was saying she felt "guilty" about us. Like, maybe I made her feel guilty by being too nice, or being around too much or something I'm assuming, but I really never wanted to make her feel that way, and now I'm wondering if I should just keep up with not talking to her, or maybe try to explain to her that I wasn't at all wanting her to feel guilty, and I really just want us to have fun together and be happy. I want her to be able to hang out with her friends and such though without worrying about how I feel, or if she's tired or something I don't want her to feel like she has to be around me. Now that I have all of that in mind and better understand what caused all of this to begin with, yeah, I'm just wondering how to go about this.

Stop worrying about her, worry about you.

That's the point of no contact.

I know you care about her, but it's time to care about you.

She feels guilty because she knows she hurt you unintentionally. This is entirely normal among exes. It shows that she cares about your feelings but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you. In any breakup or "break" the one who gets dumped feels the hurt and the one that dumps feels the guilt--if she cares about you of course.

Keep with NC though. You did not make her feel this-- she felt it herself. Same as she did not make you feel this pain-- you did.

You do NOTHING for HER.
Stop thinking about HER
Avoid everything and anything that reminds your of HER


Start thinking ABOUT YOU-
Its has to be about YOU and YOU and YOU now
If you don't think about YOU soon- THERE WILL BE NO YOU LEFT!

Get yourself in gear and start sorting YOUR life out.

Make a list and start attacking that list one by one.

Today do one thing good for YOU don't go to bed until you have done that one good thing for YOU.

Common Gear! What's it going to take to get you to listen!

I don't think I have ever seen a thread where somebody has resisted the same solid advise of so many people.

Hey! So I don't know how your doing but what I want you to know is this. Do what feels right to you in both your head and your heart and take TIME lots of it to feel out when your on the right path you just know it. All these suggestions everyone has made are REALLY hard but they do a good job at helping you heal and get beyond the break up. But I also want to say that it seems like you're an amazing person and any girl would be lucky to have you. Stay strong no matter what and grow into yourself. Just stay strong and if you want to talk you can message me id love to listen.

There you go, feeling you can fix someone or something. You're the one needs fixing first. That's what you focus on.

Just so you know, don't fall into dwelling on 3rd party news about the ex. That's trouble. More trouble than stalking her or Facebook, or myspace.

Let it pass.

Stop trying to fix the past when you should be working trying to build your future.

The future being, getting your ego and self-esteem back. Improving yourself through character building and personal enrichment activities (sports, hobbies, classes, exercise). Go back and catch up on all the things you let fall by the wayside because you were so wrapped up with this girl. Save up the money you would normally spend on her and buy something you really want. This would be a good time to take a vacation or road trip with some buddies to a place you really want to go. Anything that will get you to stop thinking about her.

The future possibilities are endless for you, but you will not realize this until you stop dwelling and stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed.

It would also help to get rid of, or store away, all the things you may have that remind you of her (gifts, cards, notes, clothing, pictures). This will help you keep your mind off her.

Gear, I realize how hard this is.

And, I know we aren't giving you the answers you wanted to hear when you first came here.

You were hoping we would tell you, "Don't give up, she'll come back one day" Am I right? Sorry, buddy, but that's not the case. Love doesn't work like that. You can blame hollywood.

Build a healthy life without her.

If you can't love yourself, what makes you think you can love someone else?

You're letting this situation rent space in your head. The more you think about it, the harder your life is going to become. Do not let her control your emotions. There is nothing worse than letting someone know that they have this much control over you. You need to start taking control of yourself. Get out of the past, stay out of the future, and just take things one day at a time.

I agree with Mark. She is just trying to soften the blow initially by telling you that she just needs a break. Don't waste your time bro. Its not worth it, there is someone else out there. Man up and forget her. And yeah there probably is another guy that's why things like this usually happen.

I don't want to give you a false sense of hope, but I just wanted to share story.

I like you was a heartbroken, depressed totally confused guy last Last May. My Fiancé told me things are not the same and that she has to take a break to sort things out. I had a week to try and change her mind, all while watching her pack her belongings right in front of me. All gifts and cards and stuffed animals that I got her over a 6 year period stuffed in a box and never to resurface. Or so I thought.

She finally left on a Saturday, I had to leave while she loaded up, way too painful to watch. An hour later, her sister calls me and says to take care and no hard feelings, blah, blah ,blah. Her sister has been telling Her to break up with me for months prior. I simply rolled my eyes and said see you around.

After that I said Eff this and turned off my phone until Monday Morning. Occasionally checking messages and sure enough she called crying on Sunday sometime. I didn't call her back even though I wanted to. She called Monday afternoon and I answered she told me she loves me and made a mistake by leaving and wants to come back home to sort things out together. I was so happy.

She came home the next day and sat down and talked about what we could both change about each other and so on. Well everything was great for a week. We are still together to this day, and Its not the same.

My trust in her is gone from all the lies she has told me. She lies about stupid stuff so I don't get mad, Well I only get mad when she is lying to me. Hard to explain, but I think you get it. I know I am not making her happy and I think she feels stuck in the relationship. I don't really know anymore. I think either one of us would split if someone else came into our lives.

I guess what I am trying to say is I wish we had taken a longer break last May so we could both get our crap together and either reconsile and be happy ALWAYS or move on to self happiness.

Sometimes getting what you ask for is not that great. Take care, good luck.

The above comment holds a lot of truth... Use this time to get things in your life together and find happiness on your own. Then and only then can any reconciliation take place, when you have a clear mind and can rationally make decisions.

When couples do get back together it is never the same... and more often then not they eventually break up for the same reasons.

Focus on you right now.

Well, it's been two months now, still on a break, and she still seems to talk to me basically every day through MSN, and we have decently long conversations. What the hell does this mean exactly? I kind of expected her to be dating someone new by now, or something. Still kind of feels like we're in awkward limbo. I'm doing my best to not bother her, or talk about us, or try to make her feel pressured into getting back together. We've even planned a trip together to go to Portland (which is about three hours away from where we live) to visit her brother and a friend of mine for a few days. I'm curious as to how I should act during this trip.

I guess I'm just losing my mind over this whole situation because I know now exactly what I've done wrong, by being around her too much and not seeing her interest fade, but I'm afraid I could end up going the rest of my life never getting another chance with her, and she really is very very special, and I will not meet another person like her.

You will not meet another person like her..

That's true. Because, probably you'll meet someone better.

Stop fearing the future and live in the present. Stop contacting her.

You will not meet another person like her.. ?

That's true. Because, probably you'll meet someone better.

Stop fearing the future and live in the present. Stop contacting her.

I'm not contacting her, she is contacting ME.

411 is right, no you won't meet anyone else like her... then again when you do meet someone new you can say the same thing about her. You are going to meet someone that is not going to lose interest in you, that in itself makes her better than your ex. Fixating on something like she was the only one for me and there will never be another is irrational.

I'm not contacting her, she is contacting ME.

You respond though... doesn't make it OK.

Well, then what am I supposed to do about the Portland trip?

You are dragging yourself through the gantlet here. Think about it, it's been two months and you are no better off than you were when this first happened. In all honesty you are going to be miserable for a long long time at this rate. You are brutally falling into the friend role right now and you are letting it happen. There is nothing confusing about this or what she is doing. She misses you, of course she does! But she has discovered that even though you two have broken up you are there at her beck and call, and this makes her feel better... while of course making you feel worse.

This portland trip is the absolute worse thing you could do! You are going to miserable as you realize this girl beside you isn't "yours" anymore... and that she doesn't want to be with you. And you won't be able to act like your old self, you will be awkward and emotional. This trip is going to set you back big time... honestly gear, if you don't stop you are never going to feel better, I know how much this pain hurts TRUST ME, and that is no way to live your life, and that is no way the person you love should make you feel. She wanted a break, so you should have given it to her... She doesn't get to contact you unless its about getting back together. She's having her cake and eating it too, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

I say ALL this as someone who recently went through it. I was with her for 4 years! That's a pretty long time, and don't for a second think I loved her any less than you did. I am me again though, and I owe that to the great people on this site that pushed me through it. But you have to listen to them to make it happen.

Can we get answers, please?



I'm not contacting her, she is contacting ME.

You let her, why?


Well, it's been two months now, still on a break,

How much progress have you made to define this relationship the way you want it?

Well, then what am I supposed to do about the Portland trip?
Why would you be going on a trip of that kind with her? What have you got to gain, besides be a driver?

Last question, is this trip going to get you back together or what?

I guess I thought the trip to Portland would be a good way of getting just the two of us together for awhile, and let us spend time amongst friends together, and I was hoping she might realise how much fun she is having and possibly it could get her back on track to being interested in me again?

Is this such a bad idea?

Well, then what am I supposed to do about the Portland trip?

Um... don't go?
Can't you see that you're caught in a giant game of emotional Pong. To expect the little ball but do anything but bounce back and forth is just foolish. This broad is using you to fill in some emotional need she has.

I guess I thought the trip to Portland would be a good way of getting just the two of us together for awhile, and let us spend time amongst friends together, and I was hoping she might realise how much fun she is having and possibly it could get her back on track to being interested in me again?

Is this such a bad idea?
YES!! Just because she has fun with you while others are around means nothing. She will most likely attribute that good time with the group as a whole and not just you. It could seriously backfire.

Um....don't go?
Can't you see that you're caught in a giant game of emotional Pong. To expect the little ball but do anything but bounce back and forth is just foolish. This broad is using you to fill in some emotional need she has.

Exactly, and it's a horrible idea.

Its not unheard of, but its likely its over. I mean look at the posts above. Yeah you don't want to hear it but they are right.

So, telling her the Portland trip is off, and then completely breaking contact with her and not letting her contact me anymore is going to give me a better chance of getting her back?

And don't give me the "Stop thinkign about her" stuff, I can't just make myself turn off like that, I try to put my mind into other things and for the past two months not a single minute of any day has gone by without my 90% of my thoughts involving her or what I might be able to do, or what I should not do.

If I could just turn off my brain this would be no problem, and cutting her off wouldn't be as impossible.

You need to realize that it's over.

Stop responding.
That's when the mixed emotions end.

Dude, your not cutting contact with her to increase your chances to get her back. You're cutting contact with her so you can get YOURSELF back. As I can see, you've lost yourself and your identity in all this mess. And, if you want a healthy relationship with ANYBODY, YOU NEED Yourself BACK.

Are you happy with this arrangement?

Well.. I guess I'm sort of happier knowing that she still takes the time out basically every day to talk to me and make jokes and such with me still. I figure without that, I don't really know what to look forward to in a day.

What are you going to do when she comes up to you and finally tells you that it is over and she ain't coming back? What then?


Are you happy with this arrangement??

Haven't you figured it out yet Tal? The only thing that is important is that SHE is happy with the arrangement.:rolleyes:

Dear Gearhd,

I personally would not recommend you to go to this trip as I think you will get hurt much more than your all ready have been, HOWEVER...

It is very clear that your heart is very set with this girl- I can see that no matter what anyone says- your heart will no move on this one- fair enough as the heart will only change when it feels different. You normally feel different, when you see something with your own eyes and deep down you know you cannot ignore what you see... thats when you will act on your feelings and use you head as well...

Perhaps you should go to the Portland trip... how you feel for her and how you see her right now in your heart is one thing- how she behaves and acts will be v different. Maybe you need to see how much she has changed, how much she has moved on, and how little disrespect she has for your feelings... how much she will play with your mind and drive you insane... once you start seeing this, you will start to feel that shift in your heart and then maybe you can really sit down with yourself and say enough is enough- she is no longer the same the person you loved and now it is time you start doing things that is right for you.


How much pain are you willing to endure?

That actually seems like it'd be a relief at this point. It's not knowing that is killing me. I don't really know what she wants because she says she wants space, and yet still talks to me and makes plans to do stuff with me.

The confusion stops when you let it stop.

how much pain are you willing to endure?

Honestly? I think I could deal with whatever pain I have to as long as I know there is still a chance of getting her back.

Seriously man. You need to stand up. Stop being stepped on like a door mat. You need to heal. Then, in the future, someone special will knock you off your feet.

Honestly? I think I could deal with whatever pain I have to as long as I know there is still a chance of getting her back.
Oh really? So if on this trip she slept with some other guy but told you not to worry because one day you 2 would be back together you would be OK with it? Remember that at this point she owes you no loyalty in the sense that you are not actually 'together'.

Even if I go through with no contact, I'm still going to be constantly wondering what's going on with her and if she still feels like it's a break.. and all of the stuff I'm going through right now, that's why I feel like us going to Portland, and me trying to just play it cool, and make sure we are having fun together (which I know I can do) might help?

Oh really? So if on this trip she slept with some other guy but told you not to worry because one day you 2 would be back together you would be ok with it? Remember that at this point she owes you no loyalty in the sense that you are not actually 'together'.

She wouldn't do that though, and I'm 100% positive of that, so if you're going to use hypotheticals, at least make them within the realm of actual possibility.

Gearhe4d,
I think right now your willing to do everything and anything... but eventually you will come to the end of the road and you know that you will have to walkaway and start fresh...

I guess you will do this, when you are ready to do this...

I wish you can see the bigger picture here... sigh..

She wouldn't do that though, and I'm 100% positive of that, so if you're going to use hypotheticals, at least make them within the realm of actual possibility.

How is that outside of reality? Just because you think she wouldn't do it doesn't make it factual. You have no idea what is going on inside her head. No one does but her. Hell, up to the point that she told you she needed a 'break' you thought things were just peachy when in reality you couldn't see that something was wrong. At this point your just putting her up on a pedestal.

Trust me, she's probably not as great as you may think once you let the emotional dust settle.

How is that outside of reality? Just because you think she wouldn't do it doesn't make it factual. You have no idea what is going on inside her head. No one does but her. Hell, up to the point that she told you she needed a 'break' you thought things were just peachy when in reality you couldn't see that something was wrong. At this point your just putting her up on a pedestal.

Exactly, she's just standing on this pedestal you've made for her... Honestly its during break-ups that you get blown away by what your ex is capable of. After four years of being with a girl that I thought I would marry... we broke up and she slept with two guys within a month. I was awe struck by the whole thing. Never in a million years would I think she was capable of that.

As long as your mind is focused on trying to get her back you won't be able to heal. After all the things people wrote about NC you just asked if doing so would help get her back. You have to cut her out of your life, if she comes back to you than great, if not you have already started healing so you are ahead of the game.

I think what's not being taken into consideration here enough is that I was the one who smothered her too much, and now I really see that, and that is what pushed her away, I can't blame her for wanting a break, and I now know that I need to put the same amount of effort into our relationship as she does, I was doing too much, and helping too often, and being there for her when I didn't need to be. I built up in my head that I needed to make her happy all the time, and now I understand that it was a mistake, and that she probably would have been happier if I left her alone more, and she'd still probably be in love with me today.

Now that I know that, that's what I want to convey to her, that I'm not going to let what got in the way before, get in the way now, and I'm ready to do this the right way, I just need a chance to prove it.

Also, it seems like a lot of you are under the impression that she is a crazy who is messing with my heart and purposfully putting me through pain, and I just don't think that is what she's at.

Now that I know that, that's what I want to convey to her, that I'm not going to let what got in the way before, get in the way now, and I'm ready to do this the right way, I just need a chance to prove it.

But I think that's your problem. You think that if you convey this to her she will want you back. I appreciate your honesty and yes, how you acted probably contributed to it. But the fact is that her feelings for you have changed. You can't force love, and just by telling her this won't bring back those feelings for you. She has fallen out of love with you, and not a single thing you do or say is going to change the way she feels. She will/will not come around on her own.

Well now you're just making excuses for her. Why exactly did you ask for advice in the first place? I mean you seem to have it all figured out.

Also, it seems liek a lot of you are under the impression that she is a crazy who is messing with my heart and purposfully putting me through pain, and I just don't think that is what she's at.

She's not crazy, the way she is acting is VERY VERY common behavior for the dumper. So recognize that most ex's act like this... It's how they cope with the guilt, and you can't really blame them. They just don't take a step back to think that all this might have a negative effect on the person they broke up with.

Well now you're just making excuses for her. Why exactly did you ask for advice in the first place? I mean you seem to have it all figured out.

I asked for advice on how to get her back. Not on why she asked for the break, or what I did wrong.

I do know those things, I DON'T know how to get her back, or how to really get myself to stop thinking about her. (This is the part where you say NC will do that in time)

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up. I have always been the kind of person who looks for a way. I'm hoping eventually that someone will chime in and say something like "I did this and it made her really think" or "I said this and it cleared up the problem she is having with me"

I just want to work it out. That's what people do isn't it?

Dear Gearhe4d,

I think you should go on this trip to Portland. Once there, dazzle her with your good looks, confidence, quick wits and manliness. She will then wonder: Why did I ever leave this guy? He's so strong and self-assured and not a doormat at all. I never should have went on a break. I'm so stupid. I've fallen back in love with him. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And you will live happily ever after. Probably in a house made of rainbows in the Gumdrop Forest.

Sincerely,

Mr. Unicorn
1111 Leprechaun Blvd
Fantasy Land

I think I should just completely break all contact with her and wait for that wonderful special person who will love everything about me and not get tired of me and we can live happily ever after. I'm sure it'll be easy to just forget about the most special person I know too, sheesh, this sure is easy.

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up.

To say that everyone here just gave up hope is an insult. How about we all just realized that chasing something was the wrong thing to do. For months of my NC I hoped to hell that she would come back, but I knew that talking to her would just hurt me. If she was going to come back she was going to do it because she wanted to, not because of anything I said or did. What we are telling you is for yourself... its not giving up hope, because you can't just tell someone to give up hope or stop thinking about someone... impossible.

And thinking that how someone else got their ex back is going to work for you is just absurd... Everyone is different.

NC is not telling you to give up hope, its telling you to take care of yourself. You are going to think whatever you want during that time but at least you won't have the added stress of them in your life.

I asked for advice on how to get her back. Not on why she asked for the break, or what I did wrong.

I do know those things, I DON'T know how to get her back, or how to really get myself to stop thinking about her. (This is the part where you say NC will do that in time)

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up. I have always been the kind of person who looks for a way. I'm hoping eventually that someone will chime in and say something like "I did this and it made her really think" or "I said this and it cleared up the problem she is having with me"

I just want to work it out. That's what people do isn't it?
You're attitude is admirable, it really is but it just seems like you're fighting a losing battle here. It's not about giving up, it's about knowing when to stop the hemorrhaging if for no other reason then your own well being. There are no words that are going to fix this. No actions that can make her feel a certain way. None. Nada. Zilch. You keep throwing yourself at that brick wall thinking that maybe this time it won't be there and when it is you start all over again. I've been there.

That's just it, I really don't know if I am fighting a losing battle. If she wasn't talking to me at all, and not wanting to do stuff with me, and just completely not having interest, I'd probably be taking this a little bit better, but I just get the impression from her that she still wants me, but I've acted a certain way that she does NOT want. It feels like she's testing if I can still be with her, but without being with her too much, and not letting her do what she wants with other people too. I just wonder what would happen if I told her something like "Listen, I know that I've smothered you, and I understand exactly what I did wrong, I know that you need to have other people and friends that you spend time with and I'm ready to do this the right way, and give you the space that you need, and in reality, the space that I need too, but I want us to be together."

You know?

That's just it, I really don't know if I am fighting a losing battle. If she wasn't talking to me at all, and not wanting to do stuff with me, and just completely not having interest, I'd probably be taking this a little bit better, but I just get the impression from her that she still wants me, but I've acted a certain way that she does NOT want. It feels like she's testing if I can still be with her, but without being with her too much, and not letting her do what she wants with otehr people too. I just wonder what would happen if I told her something like "Listen, I know that I've smothered you, and I understand exactly what I did wrong, I know that you need to have other people and friends that you spend time with and I'm ready to do this the right way, and give you the space that you need, and in reality, the space that I need too, but I want us to be together."

You know?
It's called being friends. If she had any other type of feelings for you then that would have come out in some way. You are at the point that anything she does short of telling you to get bent is going to give you false hope. It's not her fault, you are reading way too much into her actions at this point. If you step away and distance yourself enough to look at things as others do then maybe you would see that. I don't know. With this sense of She-Can-Do-No-Wrong that you have you are just too clouded.

Hey, Trevor! (Or, I guess Gearhead translated from leetspeak).

I'm sorry I didn't catch this thread earlier, I wish I had, because most of the advice I can give you is now already given, but I'll tell you what I have to say anyway.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible as I'm prone to dribbling on for ages about nothing, but here's some advice:

First off, women don't work the same way men do. We use logic to analyze emotions. We'll think back to happy memories and think about what tastes we have in common and whatnot and rank the relationship that way. Women use emotions to a greater degree, which we as men will never fully understand.

Also realize that life is no hollywood movie. There's no "grand gesture of love" you can perform that will make her change her emotions. Women never change their emotions this way, it's all drivel, but many of us are programmed to believe this is how things work.

Now I'm not going to tell you that you'll never get back together with this woman of yours. Fact is, none of us knows what the future will hold, HOWEVER, she will not decide to spend the rest of her life with a man she does not respect. Right now, you're not inviting a lot of respect.

What you did all that time you were a doormat for her was boost her confidence. Good, that's probably what you were trying to do. I was were you were, and I spent a good five years to make my girlfriend proud of herself and have the courage to make her own decisions. I spent five years of my life trying to make her feel as good about herself as possible, and what did I get in return? In the end she felt so good about herself, she figured she could do better and dumped me.

The moral of the story?
Your best shot at getting this woman back, is to realize that the relationship is over, and move on. This probably sounds pretty conflicting to you, but it is the truth. As long as you're willing to be there for her, cater to her feelings, and sit around while she strolls around looking for something else, she will not respect you, and she will never realize what you had together. In your head, it makes sense that being there for her will make her realize: "What a great guy you are", but woman just don't work that way, trust me.

This is why NC is extremely important. There's a very big chance she has no intentions to go back to dating you, but the more contact you have with her, the less are the chances she does. And if she doesn't, and you've already begun no contact previously, you'll already be one step ahead.

All I can say to sum up my post is: I know that you're hurting and that you're confused. Believe me, but don't make the mistakes so many of us did. If there was one thing I could go back in time and change, it wouldn't be all the things that eventually lead to me and my girlfriend breaking up, it would be to go back and change the pathetic way I acted when the relationship ended. I'd go back and be a man about it, and the funny thing?
If I did, we'd probably have been back together by now (although I'm actually glad we're not).

There's only one thing you should ever do when you meet a brick wall in life; Push through it. Learn from the experience and grow. You can't even begin to understand how much most of us learned from this experience.
Many people never get to experience losing someone they love so much in such a harsh and unforgiving way, and I've come to pity those who don't experience this, because there's a lesson to be had about yourself as a person that I truly believe isn't achievable in any other way.

As it stands right now, I've never been more happy with the person I am. I've never been stronger as an individual, and looking back at the person I was I cringe when I consider being that same person for the rest of my life, even if it did mean being with her. But I'm Ranting, I hope you understood what I'm trying to say and realize that no matter what your future holds and no matter what your goals are, the only thing you can do right now is stop having contact with her and start focusing on yourself, trust me.

Thanks for this post, it's another one of the ones that are really kind of getting through to me. I didn't do anything really pathetic or beg, or anything like that when she told me she wanted a break, and all I've done since then is try to understand that right now she wants space, and whether or not it really is a break in her mind, that is what I'm giving her, I haven't once asked her to come back, or told her she made a mistake or anything, you get the point. I did sit her down once though, and ask her directly what went wrong, and what she wants, she told me that she just needs some space and I said that I thought that was fine, but I also highly value our relationship, and think that it's rare for two people to be so insanely similar and good together, and that I really do fear losing it (I didn't do that in a pathetic way though) that's when she told me that it was just a break and that I'm not losing her and she even sees herself marrying me in the future. While all of that sounded great (even though I'm hating having to take a break) she did say that her FRIENDS (AHHH!! ) said that she needs to try dating other people and having fun and such, and she said that made her really think. Another weird thing is that once, after the break was established, she asked to come along with me to Eugene (a city not too far away from ours) and have dinner with me and "hang out," but towards the end of the night I kept getting this vibe from her that she was sort of in the mood, of course I never acted on it, because we aren't together right now, but I surely noticed it.

The next day, she was talking to me on MSN and I happened to tell her something about a dream I had had, just casual conversation, and she mentioned she too had a dream, and it was about me. It was one of "those" dreams, and she was turned on by it. Like an idiot this got me aroused too, and she invited me back over within the next couple of days to watch a movie (keep in mind we are on a "break" still) and she was still in the mood I kept kind of noticing, so I acted on it, and we started to mess around, which she was really into for awhile... and then something happened. She sort of stopped and said that she didn't feel like this was right, and that she shouldn't have told me that she was in the mood and such and then she sort of acted sad and quiet for a bit, and that's when I sat her down and apologized and said we should forget that just happened, and she seemed happy and cool with me again.

Does this mean anything? There's a bit more to it, but I'd rather know if it even matters at this point before I continue.

The next day, she was talking to me on MSN and I happened to tell her something about a dream I had had, just casual conversation, and she mentioned she too had a dream, and it was about me. It was one of "those" dreams, and she was turned on by it. Like an idiot this got me aroused too, and she invited me back over within the next couple of days to watch a movie (keep in mind we are on a "break" still) and she was still in the mood I kept kind of noticing, so I acted on it, and we started to mess around, which she was really into for awhile... and then something happened. She sort of stopped and said that she didn't feel like this was right, and that she shouldn't have told me that she was in the mood and such and then she sort of acted sad and quiet for a bit, and that's when I sat her down and apologized and said we should forget that just happened, and she seemed happy and cool with me again.

Does this mean anything? There's a bit more to it, but I'd rather know if it even matters at this point before I continue.

I'm no expert and it's really too hard to tell what this was really about. I mean she's young and being "in the mood" isn't exactly something that rarely happens. I've gotten a few of those "phone calls" from my ex since we broke up as well. To me it seems like a classic case of a woman or more likely a girl who doesn't really know what she wants.

On one hand, there's you, the nice guy she can spend the rest of her life with that'll always be there for her, which is the more predictable path. On the other hand there's life being single, dating other guys, which is more random, will probably end up leaving her hurt on numerous occasions, but she doesn't really know what awaits her there.

I think at this point she really doesn't know what she wants, although she's probably already made her decision, she just doesn't know what that decision is. And as long as you're around, no decision is being made for her either. If you stop playing into her hands, one of two things will happen:
She'll either start feeling remorse, realize that this is wrong, and stop you. Or, she'll feel a sense of relief, and go on with her life without you. Either way she'll end up doing the same thing, you'd just speed up the process of her making her decision, although I'd actually wager the chances she'll end up realizing what she's missing if you suddenly disappear from her life is larger than if she constantly has you around.

For all we know, the whole thing could've been just to check if you were still there if things didn't pan out the way she wanted.

Think of it this way; If you started having second thoughts about this relationship, what would you have done? Would you have called it off, said the two of you could never be together again, then live life as a single guy having no knowledge of whether the grass actually IS greener on the other side, or would you make yourself a scenario where you could try the grass on the other side but leave the fence open so you could always go back if you wanted to?

At the end of the day, this is what she's doing. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be able to go out there and see what the world has to offer without necessarily losing the sense of security you've given her over the years. You got to make it clear that she can't have this. Again, the solution is no contact. This is the only thing that will ever make her realize what a mistake she's making, and if she doesn't, she never would have, anyway.

Hm, again, another really helpful post.

But now I'm trying to think of how I would have wanted her to act if I asked for a break. Would I really want her to just stop being there for me if I needed her, even as a friend? Would that give me the impression that I only want her as an intimate partner kind of thing?

I just want her to see me as the guy who is there for her, and will be there for her, and won't treat her like crap, and can listen... but I just went a little overboard with it, like a moron

But now I'm trying to think of how I would have wanted her to act if I asked for a break. Would I really want her to just stop being there for me if I needed her, even as a friend?

No, you wouldn't. You would want her to be there for you, and that's just the thing. She wants you to be there for her, without her "being there for you". It's an unfair tradeoff, and you can not let it stand.


I just want her to see me as the guy who is there for her, and will be there for her, and won't treat her like crap, and can listen... but I just went a little overboard with it, like a moron

We all go overboard with it, I know I did. The thing is though, she knows you're there for her. She's perfectly clear of who you are and what you have to offer. But you can't give her these things when she's not in a relationship with you. Over the last few years every fiber of your body has programmed you to always put her needs in front of your own, so a part of you wants her to be happy even if you're not in a relationship with her, it's understandable, I know I was there.

Question being; If she has you there, as a friend, to help her out when she needs help. Be there for her, and still put her feelings over your own, why would she need you as a boyfriend? You'd be giving her all the best things about you for free. Not only would she not respect you as a result, you'd be destroying yourself.

You seem like a wonderful person. There's plenty of women out there who would kill for a guy like you, but your current girl only know of relationships the way things were with you. It's been two years. Somewhere in her head she doesn't realize that all those things you did to make her happy, you did because you were a good catch. She thinks this is what relationships are like and won't realize she's missing something without you.

And the only way she'll ever realize is by you simply not being there. I know it's really really hard to do, but you need to put this woman off the pedestal. You need to realize she's just another woman, insecure about herself and very unsure about where she is in life. She's not perfect, there's nothing all that special about her, she's just another confused girl who probably needs to make her own mistakes to realize what she's lost.

Wow, I don't know if it's how you've worded it or what, but it really feels like it's all making sense now for some reason. So, if I completely cut her off now, it won't hurt her feelings and make her not want me honestly?

Wow, I don't know if it's how you've worded it or what, but it really feels like it's all making sense now for some reason. So, if I completely cut her off now, it won't hurt her feelings and make her not want me honestly?

Well it will probably hurt her feelings somewhat, since at the moment she wants you there as a friend. Operative word being friend, she wants you there as a friend and nothing more. I can however guarantee you that you're only hurting your chances of ever being her boyfriend again if you keep letting her have you around as "just a friend".

And as I said previously, chances are she never does want to be in a relationship with you again, as harsh as this may sound. But I really can guarantee you that you're only hurting your chances by being there for her right now. It's not like if you one day disappear she'll instantly forget who you are. She knows who you are, you don't need to show her. But she needs to see how life is without you, and she'll either find out that life without you is horrible and want you back, or she'll find out that life without you isn't all that bad and move on.

The important part is that you move on in the meanwhile and get some perspective on life. When we say no contact we really mean no contact. No msn, no stalking of the Facebook, no talking to friends and family to find out how things are going. Time will teach you a valuable lesson that you need to accept. If she decides to come back to you, she will, in the meanwhile, realize there's a good chance she won't, and live life accordingly. Learn to live without her, if she doesn't come back, that's her loss. But the only person who's really important here is you, and never forget that you're always more important than anyone else.
Always.

Hm, I guess I just can't get over this feeling that if I break all contact, she might end up hating it and missing me and indeed wanting me back, but what if she dosen't act on it? I know her quite well, and she's always been one to just basically deal with pain, and not let it out, or really make a point to get what she might really want.

I don't want to miss an opportunity to get her back (like let's say somehow the sparks flew on that Portland trip) and she decides to try me out again, boom, I could do this properly and everything could be fine.

But yeah, I just am afraid to miss an opportunity.

You will never understand will you?

This is not about HER. This is about YOU.

Not contacting her is not a way for you to get her back. Like I said before, this is a way to get YOURSELF back.

Very well said Molecular, and very true.

The thing our friend Gear needs to know is that unless he gives up the false hope, and accept she only wants friendship, he will always see chances and opportunities to get her back, and will chase those hopes, and never heal.

No Contact lets you heal, and see reality, and you can look at yourself, and decide what you really need. And see that she is not filling that need.

Your not alone, as many come here and stay in denial of the facts, until your girl decides her interest lie elsewhere, and then the real hurt comes.

Its not about giving up hope, its about accepting the things you can't change ( her mind) and doing what you can control ( your actions )

Yes my friend, your addicted. Your dependence on her is not healthy for you, or her.

So, I took some time out today and thought about what I would say to her about how I feel right now if I were so inclined to do so.

What do you guys think?

"Hey, I wanted to tell you something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's just that I know now that I made you feel bad and awkward by being around too much, but I just want you to know that I never intended to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you back when you suggested us seeing each other less and having more time to ourselves and to be around other people too. I wish I would have acted on that instead of being childish about it. I got too attached to you, because you're the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with, and this isn't to try to make you reconsider our relationship or anything, or to try to make you feel bad at all, honestly. Everything I have ever done for you and with you was out of love, and my only intention was to make you happy, I have never expected anything in return from you and I have always wanted to be there for you when you need someone. I just feel like I need to tell you this, and say thank you for being there and with me during the best time of my life. I do hope to be together with you again, but only if you want to be together with me again as well. No matter what happens I do love you and I have no bad or angry feelings toward you. I hope this eases some tension between us, and helps take off any stress you might have been feeling about me, just remember, I want us both to be happy, no matter what happens, and I will always be your friend, and someone you can come to if you need someone.

Just don't forget about me. That's all I ask."

Eh?

Nice Vent- glad you posted it in here and not sent it to the EX

Never show your weakness to the EX- they will just use it to their and NOT YOUR advantage!

Now you have got this off your chest- why don't you go and do something for yourself!

You will be surprise at how nice you will feel for a change- go on- get off this site and do something and when you get on this site next- tell us what you did... we are waiting...

Uh, it's 11:30 at night... I could... uhhh... chew.. some gum?

Could watch a movie on DVD, play some music- that will make you feel good or just go to bed and have a good sleep... and do something nice tom- and then tell us all- I am sure many of us would like to hear how tom was a slightly better day than today--even if it was for 15mins...

So tom when you write on this post start with:

1) Something good you did for yourself

2) Then talk about the ex and how your feeling etc...

Have a nice night!

Hm, okay.

Yes- goood- glad to here the OKAY bit..

I shall be waiting to here to hear something good!!

EVen if it is something like I had a haircut or I cleaned my room up... got to start somewhere gearhe4d.. and so GET GOING MATE!

Oh for F***'s sake, now she's talking to me on MSN and telling me that the new thong she recently bought is fitting well and she's happy she didn't waste money on it. Then she had the nerve to say that she was tired and a lot of crazy stuff is going on at school, she said that it was "personal."

Does she know that she is teasing me now?

See gearhe4d,

It is not easy-- like for me as well- its v hard--right?

So what did I do today

Chilled and now I will be heading to the gym doing something good for me- it is only 2 hrs- but that is better than nothing- right?

Then when I get Back I probably be as miserable as you are feeling... that's the way it is.. but at least I gave myself 2 hrs to ME...

Sometimes when things get really hard and tough- you have to pick yourself up- start small like 10 minutes, then 1 hr, then 4 hrs, then half a day then 1 day--eventually will become a week...

Yes she does- and she is loving it-

SHe is loving the pain and tease she is giving you

Looks like she does not want you to be happy and loves torturing you...

But I think you already know that...

It just dosen't add up, she used to go out of her way to make me happy. I don't see what's caused this personality shift to make her not mind teasing me and making me want her more, while all the while she is backing away further.

Ugh.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Why do you allow it, knowing what she is doing? That's what I don't understand.

Give me one good reason why you are still talking to her.

Anyone willing to bet money?

I got $20 that says it's "just to be friends with the hope she will see what she is missing"

What if I tell you about my new thong and how it's fitting so well? Does that turn you on too?

Hearing about a thong shouldn't turn you on, neither should seeing one.

I'll put 20$ on "if I don't talk to her, I WON'T HAVE A CHANCE".

You really need to get up off the ground and stop getting stepped on, seriously. Don't come asking for advice if the only thing you're going to do is ignore it.

You know gearhead, I think I sent that exact letter to my ex, and I've regretted it ever since -_-.

And I mean, it's almost an exact replica. It's almost kind of freaky. It did help me get some closure though back when I sent mine but I still realllly regret it.
And my ex also started teasing me the same way yours is doing. Trying to get me to dig for more information about what's going on with her.
I think in a way she's testing you to see if she's still got control over you. I know, it's confusing as hell. How one person could change so drastically so quickly is quite mind-numbing and almost hurts more than the fact that you're not with this person at the moment. It kind of makes you wonder if you can trust someone again if this one person suddenly can start acting like this.

But the important thing is that you stay strong and DON'T show her any weakness. Whatever she does or says, really. You'll end up regretting it a lot later.

And when she grows up a little bit, she'll probably realize how childish she was acting.

You know gearhead, I think I sent that exact letter to my ex, and I've regretted it ever since -_-.

And I mean, it's almost an exact replica. It's almost kind of freaky. It did help me get some closure though back when I sent mine but I still realllly regret it.
And my ex also started teasing me the exact same way yours is doing. Trying to get me to dig for more information about what's going on with her.
I think in a way she's testing you to see if she's still got control over you. I know, it's confusing as hell. How one person could change so drastically so quickly is quite mind-numbing and almost hurts more than the fact that you're not with this person at the moment. It kind of makes you wonder if you can trust someone again if this one person suddenly can start acting like this.

But the important thing is that you stay strong and DON'T show her any weakness. Whatever she does or says, really. You'll end up regretting it a lot later.

And when she grows up a little bit, she'll probably realize how childish she was acting.

I guess I'm glad I posted it here before sending it. Well, every time she tells me about what's going on with her guy friends, and the whole thing about how the stuff she is going through at school is "personal" I've just ignored, and said something like "Ah, okay" and then left it alone. I'm trying my best to act like none of this bothers me, hope I'm doing the right thing here.

Well... your not doing anything wrong as such, but what your doing will never help you... a MUCH MUCH MUCH better thing to do would be to completely stop speaking to her and not get any info about how she is or what she is doing, cut her out of your life... its called NC... and there are 24 pages on this thread full of people telling you to initiate it... I think its time you start listening!

Hi everyone

I am new here so I thought I would introduce myself :)
First of all, gearhead you are a very lucky fellow to have all these people sharing their own painful experiences and then having the spirit and good will to pass on their wisdom to yourself.
I wrote a considerably longer first post than this, but I lost my browser and lost the text (I work in IT too unforgivable :eek:)!
However I shall keep this short, I am going out shortly for one and for two 'gearhead' you don't have much time.
I shall be blunt, because having read the threads on here, all who have been increadibly patient and kind you need to here this...

She in her own encrypted, cruel way is telling you she has had a look around and she is now ready for some guy to give her a damned good seeing to.
She is already well over you, you ensured this happened being her 'friend' and has some guy she likes in mind hence the announcement of some seriously sexy underwear, and the news of what is clearly 'man association'.
Now is your time, do not delay, tell her (on MSN so she won't hear your upset) you have been thinking about it for a while but you now no longer feel as you did and have other interests now you have moved on. Tell her you want t pursue your interests and want NC.
Tell her thanks for great times and you wish her well but lets just move on.
TAKE CONTROL before it's to late! AND KEEP NC at all times!
Some guy is going to be filling his boots in your ex very very soon and you are going to feel so so much worse, it's hard enough hearing it from someone like me who you probably hate (no offence taken on my behalf) but it will be much worse than that if you hear from someone you know and your still hanging around her!
This is your chance to show her you are a changed man she will respect you, might even regret you but you have to take the initiative and do it NOW for your own good!
DO IT !

It's a breakup.
It'll be hard for awhile but you sound like you're young so don't worry, you'll be fine. I promise that. Just give it time.

Just some advice (I'm older than you + a woman) --
Women who are very, very wise, want to marry the good guys who make their devotion clear.

I'd be willing to bet that your girlfriend will wind up with a jerk and you'll be the one who she was foolish enough to get away. If she's lucky, you'll be single.

Hope this thong and "personal" business has knocked her down a few rungs on that pedestal... Are you starting to see that she is not that perfect girl you thought she was..

That's malicious, she's not stupid and knows that hurts you... sounds like she really cares about you a lot.

So, whens the NC starting?

It's just hard for some reason for me to go ahead with no contact, I can't seem to make myself do it, part of me is think that I need to just completely ignore her, and forget about her and try to just beat it all out of my head by doing some sort of magical "other stuff" that will keep my mind busy, and then this other part of me just keeps thinking that I might miss out on some opportunity to get her back, and then do it all right, and not being too much... ugh, I guess I'm not as strong willed about it as you other guys who went ahead with NC.

Not only those things, but I really just feel lonely too, and just talking to her sort of breaks up the boredom and constant thinking I'm doing. It's weird..

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, `I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.` You must do the thing you think you cannot do"


Eleanor Roosevelt

You need to find other things to do with your time.
Working out, reading a book, cleaning your room, writing in a journal, tetris, ANYTHING. Do you expect to get better if you keep down this dark road?

Gear, I have been following your thread for a little while now and you really have been given some excellent advice by some very patient posters.

I too lost the love of my life... just like everybody else here on this forum. Everybody else on here was in your Same position at one point or another, and they are all selflessly giving you their advice in the hope that they can help you to reduce your pain. They post on here so they can put to use what they have learnt the hard way by passing on this excellent advice.

It took me four months to implement NC. Four months of agony, many shed tears, and long periods of false hope driven misery. I dropped about 15% of my body weight from the stress of it all.

When I first heard of this NC thing, I too could not comprehend going through with it. I mean... how could I go from speaking to someone everyday, to not speaking to them at all. How could I go from X is in a relationship with Y on Facebook... to not even having Y as one of my 500+ friends.

But then I realised that keeping in contact with her was doing me no favours, and definitely not doing my chances with ever being with her again any favour either. I got to a point where I was just consistently getting hurt so much by her that I knew that I had to cut all contact with her.

I realised that it was not her hurting me... it was me letting myself get hurt by her, by letting myself stay in touch with her and my brain processing her actions into some sort of false hope that I could cling in to. She wasn't really doing anything wrong... of course she wanted to stay friends, that way she could have the best of both worlds. She still had me to rely on as a friend, and she could go out and meet new guys and play the field.

You say she wouldn't sleep with anyone else so soon... well guess what, I would have said the same, but within 6 weeks she had slept with two guys... and one of them was even staying at her house most nights.

You say she said she sees herself marrying you. Yep, been there too. Even had discussed kids and had a few favourable baby names. It all doesn't mean anything anymore.

I admire your persistence... but you need to realise you are doing more harm than good. If she wants to come back, it will be a decision she makes in time on her own accord... there is nothing you can say or do to magically make her change her mind.

Use this time as an opportunity to do your own discovery. She is your first love... my ex was my first love too. If she is your first love, how can you be sure that there is no one better? This is an opportunity for you both to find out whether you are right for each other... maybe you are, maybe you are not. But there is a lot of living for you both to do before you will ever have that answer.

In time, it will suddenly dawn upon you that NC is the way to go to stop your pain. You will realise that you have to let go. Its up to you to decide how much longer you want your pain to go on...

You got 241 people to answer your question. WOW!

You are going to do what you want aren't you?

I hope you take a little from everyone but c'mon 241 people.

You got everybody all fired up here and now you have to let us know what happens in your love life forever! :p

Hey Gearhe4d,

Haven't heard from you for a while?

How are you doing?

The calm before the storm... just wait for it

NNG... Oh ye of little faith... maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are.

Maybe he is taking some time to reflect. Hopefully he will comeback with either good news or the realization that our advice was right and that he should move on. We can only hope and pray it's the later and he is strong enough to do this. :)

Hey JMW0713,

Yep I was thinking the same, maybe he is taking some time out and reading all the great advice given and working things out for him for the better.

Lets hope that is the case-- fingers and toes crossed!

NNG...Oh ye of little faith...maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are

I'd really hope he is doing the right thing... never seen resistance like this though. Sometimes we just have to experience the hurt before we start to take this advice seriously. He'll figure it out eventually, we all do, just hopefully sooner than later. Portland could be good for him... you know, shock him back into coherence.

Hope you're doing good gear, we're all pulling for you!

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.

Hey gearhe4d I know totally what your going through I did the same thing as you, and now my ex has found a guy. I have been doing NC for a while now and yes it does hurt me a lot, I check the phone often to see if she has called check my email and everything. But I do know it will get better over time, you really need to do this for yourself because man it is so tuff when you know there with a guy. Because then all you do is think on what there doing, like being intimate . End it now when its not to bad yet.