Hey Gearhe4d!

Good your alive! Wondered what happened to you!

I agree with DJ28 totally, but at the end it will be your choice and decision- if you do go to Portland and want to see this thru- just remember you may end up seeing things you wished you didn't and so please keep that in mind as the world is not necessarily full of roses.

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

Gear,

I think a move would be a great thing for you. Change of scenery, living with friends, away from her (not easy to get together). A few years ago one of my best friends went through a hard breakup and took an offer to live with his brother across the country. Was by far the best thing he ever did. Got away from a bad situaion and was able to heal on his own. Also met new people, made new friends, and met someone else... I really think you should take your friends up on that offer.

I would take them up on their offer. Nothing helps more to keep your mind off things than NC and a change of scenery, pace, and meeting new people.

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

Then how do I "solve" this?

You should really think about moving away. I don't see it as running away from your problems because there's not much to face. A change like this would mean new friends, new scenery, new life. Think about it. I did something similar a few years ago, she wasn't the only reason I moved, however, I did get over her much quicker than I would've at home.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.
The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

Then how do I "solve" this?

You stop contact with her, and focus on what you want to do with yourself without her. This solution calls for some thoughtful planning. Time does the rest. A vacation is great, but not with her. Essentially you disappear from her life.

Hey Gearhe4d,
Maybe you do need a change in your life etc.

First thou- you need to deal with things that is banging you right in your face- the ex. Deal with this first- as then you will have one less thing to think about!

Then you may want to chill out and gather your thoughts on how you would like to change your life, whether it is a change of place, jobs etc...

This would be a much better way forward as your are essentially dealing with the ex first and then looking forward to new things that you can do for you-- to make your life better for you without the ex coming in and ruining it for you!

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a committed relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a commited relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

So you would be fine iif she started dating this guy, and having a intimate relationship with him?

so you would be fine iif she started dating this guy, and having a intimate relationship with him?


Noooooo, no way in hell would I be fine with that.

But I can't make her love me, and considering that it took us over a year to actually have sex, because we wanted to both be ready and make sure we were in love when it happened, I highly doubt she will just screw this other guy. She's got a strong will, and I think she's more interested in a change of pace right now, and to just see what's out there right now, other than me.

It does hurt, a hell of a lot, just the thought of her being in some other guy's car, and knowing what he's no doubt thought of already with her, I just have to trust her I guess. If she ends up being intimate with him (God forbid) I would probably lose my mind even more somehow, but.. there isn't anything I can do about it I guess.

It's just hard to figure it all out. I can't get my head around what she's thinking, and what her motives are, I just keep finding myself asking "why?" It really just dosen't make sense.

Noooooo, no way in hell would I be fine with that.

But I can't make her love me, and considering that it took us over a year to actualy have sex, because we wanted to both be ready and make sure we were in love when it happened, I highly doubt she will just screw this other guy. She's got a strong will, and I think she's more interested in a change of pace right now, and to just see what's out there right now, other than me.

It does hurt, a hell of a lot, just the thought of her being in some other guy's car, and knowing what he's no doubt thought of already with her, I just have to trust her I guess. If she ends up being intimate with him (God forbid) I would probably lose my mind even more somehow, but.. there isn't anything I can do about it I guess.

It's just hard to figure it all out. I can't get my head around what she's thinking, and what her motives are, I just keep finding myself asking "why?" It really just dosen't make sense.

Look man I'm going through the same thing right now but she is dating this guy now, I kept on saying and thinking everything your doing. Just end it because you are just setting yourself up to get hurt trust me. Here is my situation https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-gf-another-guy-tonight-296494.html

I just have to trust her I guess

See I have a little issue with that I guess, yeah you can trust her but what you have to realize is that you guys arnt together and she can do what she wants. If she wants to see a guy she can. It really is not about trust here.

That's true. I guess I really can't do anything. Knowing my luck, she probably will just start dating another guy and she'll probably start sleeping with him and stuff.

Look do yourself a favor and go NC the sooner you do it the sooner you will be better and dating a better girl. That is deeply in love with you. Just do it now man and save yourself from major heartache.

That's the thing, I really thought that she was in love with me, everything she did, until about a month before our break made it all seem so real, and I really felt like it wasn't going to change.

I don't want to go through this again if I ever manage to find another girl even half as special as her, I'd just rather not date, and I'm really not one of those guys who feels like they need some girl who they can and call a "girlfriend" for awhile. I really want that love back that we used to have, if I can't have it, I just.. am done, at least for a VERY long time.

That's the thing, I really thought that she was in love with me, everything she did, until about a month before our break made it all seem so real, and I really felt like it wasn't going to change.

I don't want to go through this again if I ever manage to find another girl even half as special as her, I'd just rather not date, and I'm really not one of those guys who feels like they need some girl who they can and call a "girlfriend" for awhile. I really want that love back that we used to have, if I can't have it, I just.. am done, at least for a VERY long time.

Well really you do need to be done for a while and heal. Its going to take a long time. But look like I said the sooner you do it the sooner you will be healed. Because seriously eventually she will find someone and then you will be where I am, and it sucks so much, all I do is keep thinking about what she is doing with this guy. Its so hard man. Really go NC and save yourself from even more pain then you are right now.

I just don't have it in me. Sorry.

Hey man you don't have to be sorry but just be ready for some major heartache. Because she really isn't thinking about your interests she thinking about hers. And if she wants to have a new guy she will without thinking about you, and weather it will hurt you or not.

Yeah, I'm starting to really see that she isn't too worried about how I feel. Just the way she talks to me now is so much more cold, lots of one word answers (Oh. - Yeah. - Heh.) and things like that. She used to be a lot more interested in what I had to say.

So why are you doing this to yourself really? Don't you want someone that will love you the same? And hey I'm just telling you this and trying to make you understand so you don't have to go through knowing your ex is with someone. If you end it now you don't have to worry, you won't even know and then months will go by and it won't matter anymore.

Like I'm wondering are you waiting for her to date someone before you do something? If so why do you want to go through that?

If I tell her I don't want to be around her or talk to her or anything anymore, I just feel like she'll never ever come back. If I stay as a friend, and keep trying to at least be soemoen who will listen to her and offer advice to her, and be a fun guy to talk to, there might be a time where it hits her, and she wants me back. This probably sounds crazy.. I just don't want to miss a single chance.

Again really you can do what you want but your just setting yourself up for some crazy heartache. Your letting your feelings cloud yourself. Because on my side I went through the same stuff and am dealing with her being with someone now. I went NC have been for 9 days I think now trye calling her today she didn't answer and I'm glad I won't call her back again. Yes it hurts a lot knowing there might be a chance you won't talk to her again, but really why would you want to put yourself through it, and knowing she doesn't care about you the same. Don't you want someone that will have the same feelings for you?

If I tell her I don't want to be around her or talk to her or anything anymore, I just feel like she'll never ever come back. If I stay as a friend, and keep trying to at least be soemoen who will listen to her and offer advice to her, and be a fun guy to talk to, there might be a time where it hits her, and she wants me back. This probably sounds crazy.. I just don't want to miss a single chance.

I am almost to the point of losing total hope with you. You want to get hurt don't you? You like the pain huh? How many stupid e-books have you bought? How many times have you googled "Getting my ex back?" Wake up... it is almost pointless at how many people have tried to protect you on here and their words have fallen on def ears...

Carry on... :cool:

If he wants to continue running into a brick wall head first, I'm going to let him. He has 28 pages, 276 replies of people telling him GREAT advice and yet he completely ignores it or will follow only bits and pieces of it

If he wants to continue running into a brick wall head first, I'm going to let him. He has 28 pages, 276 replies of people telling him GREAT advice and yet he completely ignores it or will follow only bits and pieces of it

I feel like I am watching a bad horror movie... in 3D. Like, I know what's going to happen, and I keep screaming at the movie screen, all along it does no good.

I feel like I am watching a bad horror movie...in 3D. Like, I know what's going to happen, and I keep screaming at the movie screen, all along it does not good.

Hahah I was kind of thinking the same thing, he is totally just setting himself up for disaster.

Gearhead -

It's totally understandable that you want to keep her in your life. I remember sitting down closer to my breakup and saying to myself that I'd rather have her around in my life despite her never getting back with me than have an equal chance of winning her back or losing her forever in any context. It's understandable - she was very important to you (as you were to her) and those feelings haven't subsided.

The problem is that you are approaching the effort to be friends from the wrong angle. You only seem to be doing it in hopes that a chance will open up for the two of you to get together. Maybe it will - but it is FAR, FAR more likely that it won't and you'll only be hurt.

One of the smartest things I did during my breakup was immediately tell myself repeatedly that it was over forever - and after the one last ditch effort a few days after I came to accept that as best I could. I also did (and have) always been telling myself that if she wasn't already involved with another guy, she would be very soon (she isn't yet officially, but who knows about anything else - so I assume yes). Not to make her out to be an evil person, but to fight off the temptation to place her life on hold in my mind as I hatched out some hair-brained plan, only to get very hurt later.

We never did NC - but certainly it was very low contact. There was no regularity of calling or any such thing. I kept trying to put more time between contact, or alternating who made contact, and keeping things brief and friendly. I don't think we'll ever be close friends like we were, but we are friendly exes. We ran into each other a few days ago and had a good quick chat, and she got in touch with me a few weeks prior, and before that it had been at least a month.

Some people here will tell you that she's just staying in contact to manipulate you or whatnot. That may be true. However, for the majority of girls, they do it because they still care for you and your friendship. BUT - they're not "in love" with you anymore. I know that it's hard to understand why this happens, but once it's gone it doesn't come back. Enough time has gone by now that it's clear this wasn't a momentary lapse of judgment. If you are going to continue any form of contact, you have to scale it back and set boundaries. She can find you if she wants you back, as unlikely as that will be. What you have to do is take a step back and start re-orienting yourself to the rest of the world.

Time does heal. I still feel for my ex sometimes, but realize that it's mostly for an idealized version and done mostly out of loneliness and fear. When I was going on a few dates with another girl (went nowhere, I don't think her head's in the right place for a relationship) I hardly ever thought about my ex. Often, we realize that we miss the circumstances more than what the actual person brought to them. Once you take a bit more time for yourself you'll realize this.

Heed the advice - as much as it pains you - heed it. Those e-books and such look like gimmicks don't they - they are. What reason would the people here have to fool you. I thought my relationship was so unique too when I came here. While I would say that my ex has behaved better and been more genuine than most, the general circumstances were no different.

Why are you letting her string you along like this with all of these words of false hope. All she is telling you is what you want to hear to keep you close. Rather than be bluntly honest with you, she prefers to tear your heart up piece by piece, by telling you that you two have a future.

Actions speak louder than words.

Is she with you now? No.

Has she put and official end to this break? No.

Instead she is filling you with false hope for the future. While you sit and daydream about getting back with her at some unknown point far from now, she is looking for your replacement.

You know why she still talks to you?? Because she hasn't found that replacement yet. Know this, with almost 100% certanty, you will be replaced with someone else. When you find out, you will be kicking yourself for waiting on something that was never going to happen, and even more heart broken than you are now.

The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

I think what mark says here is key, moving way will help speed up the process and be a good thing for you ONLY if you do cut ties with her. If you continue with what you are doing you are only moving to another city and not moving on emotionally like you should be. Move and cut ties with her!

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a commited relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

Holy hell man are you freakin' kidding me? Sounds to me like she pulled the plug on you because she found out some other guys has feelings for her and possibly she has feelings for him. At the very least she is interested enough to find out. All the while you are sitting there pining away for her. Am I the only one that sees that this girl has little to no respect for you? You seriously think that she won't let this new guy tag her simply because the 2 of you waited? For all you know she already has. She certainly wouldn't be the first "good girl" that turned "slutty" after a long term relationship. It's pretty obvious that you cannot base her current mindset on her past actions. All the signs are there and you refuse to acknowledge them because that just might knock her off that pedestal you put her on.

Have to spread some rep first mark but kudos on that answer.

Funny how the reasons behind why she broke up with slowly come out. And the longer you wait around the more she is going to tell you. No doubt in my mind that her and this "friend" have been dirtying the sheets for awhile now.

I just got done reading 29 pages of this thread. So what happened trevor, you alive. How are things going?

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

I think she is a bit bored with u. why not u make love n some other gul and look her attitude or know by her friends

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

I admire your perseverance and ability to keep taking an a$$ whooping. But you know that doing things like this will never allow you to move on and heal. You were hoping for some answers on this trip and you got none, and you probably have more now plus a heavier heart. She isn't going to tell you the truth about whether she is seeing that guy or another, her word means nothing write now. Her disinterest in you is evident by her cell phone etiquette, the only times you were able to have a good conversation is when the people on the other line went to bed... How does it feel to be put second all of a sudden, not too mention like someone that doesn't really matter. That sort of behavior is rude to do to anyone, let alone to someone you supposedly care for deeply. Gear I hope you realize what this trip really did for you, and how continued contact is just going to prolong the suffering. I feel like a broken record, but its time to get the NC rolling!

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off of her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

Wow, I did the same thing you are doing, the first time my ex broke up with me, hung around for a whole year, saw her date other guyz, all sorts of . She did come back to me and we started dating again but it wasn't the same. I realized what she had done and she was not the perfect little girl I thought she was( I was making her out to be mother Teressa).The relationship wasn't the same. She ended up breaking up with me again.
I can understand when you say you can't do NC. But the thing you will realize that you have to. It might take a year like it took me but you will realize. In by the way the amount of pain you are going through is not worth it for anybody.
Good Luck

Hi Gearhe4D,
Honey I'm sure you're a great guy, but you gutta move on. Your just wrenching your heart for nothing.
I'v tried to get back with my husband 5 times now, I know are love is what's doing it to make us keep trying, but I'm leaving for the last time, and you need to also. Thank God your not married to her. Her cell phone says it all. Bless you.

But jane smit is right. Do you know the worst thing though you are the only one who can stop you feeling like this by walking away and you won't do it. Coming from a girl you're her safety blanket,she's comfortable with you so she's keeping you around and she's basically using you to get over you! Why are you letting her have so much control over your life, man up!

The only good time to consider her as a friend is when you've healed and found the one that will love you.

So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

Obviously your relationship wasn't as great as you make it out be. If it was that great why did your ex leave.By the sound of things you and your ex were not a good match.I am sure you can find someone better later on.

So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same exact way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

I know exactly how you feel gear... and its sucks. It sucks big time. But you need to realise that this happened for a reason, you need to go through this and learn these very harsh lessons about life. Learning these lessons doesn't make it suck any less, but it just means that this whole breakup BS wasn't for nothing. It might seem strange now, but you will come out of this with a whole lot of new skills that will put you in good stead for your next relationship.

I also find it hard to imagine myself with a girl as compatible with me as my ex... but I do know that that girl is out there, its just a matter of time before I find her. And when I do, I will have all this experience behind me to make it work even better.

It might seem like you feel like you are going to have to settle... but you won't, there is another girl out there who is even better. If anything, from the sounds of it its your ex who is going to have to settle for someone.

You can now see that its truly over with this girl, or at least that there is nothing you can do change her mind. So just take the step and go NC... just try it for one week and see how you feel. After this many posts, and us already showing that your plans are flawed, surely you owe it to yourself to at least give NC a try.

I know the outlook may seem grim, I was in your shoes not too long ago. After my break up, which I was unhappy in the relationship for close to 6 months beforehand but didn't have the set to end it myself for fear of being alone, I thought I wouldn't find another women. So after this site, and Tal's kick to the b@lls, I realized I don't have to have a woman to be happy. I can be happy myself, and I started to change for myself and for the better. Shortly there after I met a terrific girl and got engaged, and we love each others company as well as love each other. So that could give you some hope.

If it doesn't, take my parents for example, they have been together for over 25 years and still love each other dearly. They were high school sweethearts and have survived just about everything.

I also have other family members still together. The point is, if you have a grim outlook of course everything is going to seem darker, but if you look at things with a brighter outlook, the image of things change. Take a look at this scene, it's so dark and rainy outside. The wind is blowing, the roads are soaking wet with water and the trees hang low because their limbs are so waterlogged and you say to yourself I don't think the sun will ever come out again. Sure enough, the next day, there is it. Shining bright, birds chirping and flowers a plenty. After every rainy day, the sun will come back out. You just got to wait it out sometimes.

So (and this is just a hypothetical question) if I were to still have strong feelings for her in, say... a couple years or so, and she was available, would it be insane of me to try and rekindle things myself?

I'm just wondering if there is a certain amount of time that I can just give her total space, and then she'd potentially be open to me again, even if she hadn't thought of it.

Just a hypothetical, I know a lot could change and I might not be the same person I am now in two years. I'm just curious how long is "long enough."

I think that, hypothetically, in a couple of years you won't give a damn about her.

But yeah, I think that well down the track things can work out between people. You will both have grown up a lot, learnt a few lessons, made a few mistakes and be all the better for it.

Personally I think that a lot more people get back together than the "3%" figure that is thrown around on this site. I think that probably 0.3% of people who are heartbroken and plead and beg and get back together with their ex's because all that does is drive them away.

I think that you need to have fully moved on from your ex before anything can be rekindled. But the thing is, by the time you have moved on and you are viewing things with a clear mind, you will probably notice all the things about her that annoyed you, and you will be glad it all happened.

That's just how I think it could well go down... I mean it could easily be that in a couple of years time you guys bumb into each other and hit it off and realised how good you were together. But she needs to really want, and you need to be able to forgive her and trust her again after crushing your heart. But I think it's a big if, and you cannot take on the mindset of "well if I wait a couple years it'll sort itself out" as you try and move on.

You won't be thinking about her in a couple of years.If you are still thinking about her then you would need to go see a doctor.

Empty cans is right,thinking so far in the future is wrong on so many levels,what about today or 2moro? For all you know you were meant to split up because karmically your meant to meet someone else! As for relationships failing the majority of times that's not true, people pnly let you see what they what you to see. As my friends said "relationships are like ducks swimming along a lake,they look peaceful and serene but look under the water and they're paddling like f@ck to stay afloat"

I think you should start thinking about the PRESENT, and start doing things to move on from your EX- or she will hurt you more and more in time-- eventually you will end up hating her.

Let the future come to you- best way really and worry about it then.

You can do it Gear4hd- so when are you going to start your healing process?

Listen man, I have been in this situation. I met a girl was madly in love with her. Then all the sudden she changed and started hurting me on a regular basis. Long story short, we broke up she moved away. I was devistated, started drinking too much, and couldn't understand why she did it. And I like you thought well in a couple of years we will bump into each other and she will realize what she gave up. But its not worth it. You need to step totally away from the situation, and do whatever you have to do to get over her as soon as possible. Once I was over her and started getting my act back together, I met the real love of my life. We are now married, have a home together, and have two beautiful kids. And we are absolutely crazy about each other to this day. Quit sulking and get over her, you will find something fantastic someday!

Have you ever heard of the phrase: One day at a time? Allot of support groups use that phrase to cope with the problems that we all have on a daily basis. Survive today, today, Survive tomorrow that day, and so on.

In my own experience, I had my heart broken and strung along for the sake of my ex not feeling guilty about hurting me. After reading this post that's what seems to be happening to you.

Anyway, I went NC and bumped into her a few years later. To my surprise, instead of being excited to see her at the mall, I ducked into the first store I could to avoid her. I didn't want to hear how great her life was now, etc, etc.

If you can learn anything from this is, you will notice the warning signs in the future and try to stop it before it gets out of control, as I am right now. Take care and go NC before you get too deep in the friends zone, and she starts talking about new guys that she meets.

I gotta admit though, this would be much easier to handle if all of my friends hadn't pretty much moved away just before this break up too. My four best friends all had to head back to college and now it kinda feels like I'm all alone.

Hate to whine, but it helps to let this stuff out.

Alone is good!
Alone is a time to reflect on the 300 plus suggestions you have gotten here.Find one that fits for you.

You are dwelling instead of doing,that will get you no where.You will be in the same funk a month from now.

Get off the woe is me pity pot and get on with your life.

Only you can make a difference in how you feel.

Get out,get some exercise,make new friends and see this as the learning experience is is.

Volunteer your time here,clearly your experience is worth something and you might be able to spare someone else what you went through.

Do something other than dwelling on what you don't have,concentrate on what you do have and suck it up!! You can do it!

If this world doesn't take your hand, it will only knock you down. If you won't pick yourself up, maybe you don't belong on your feet.

So.. Valentine's Day tomorrow. I was thinking of getting her something, nothing big, just maybe a rose and homemade card or soemthing that just says I'm still thinking aobut her.. not sure if this is a bad idea or not, any advice on that?

Should I just leave her be?

Save yourself the heartache Gear. It won't do you any good... especially when it turns out that she hasn't got anything for you. I got my ex a really nice Christmas card and a nice gift... what did I get? Nothing. She "didn't have time" to get me anything or even write me a card.

LEAVE HER BE! No good can come of it at all. She already knows you are thinking about her. It will send her a stronger message if you get her nothing.

Not to downplay the situation here, but I find myself reminded of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka when I read this. If you've never seen the movie, his character constantly tells the various kids to not mess around and get into trouble, but they do anyway...

Mike Teevee: Look at me. I'm going to be the first person in the world to be sent by television.
Mrs. Teevee: Mike, get away from that thing.
Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Stop. Don't. Come back.

Gear, you got to stop doing this to yourself. You're the only one preventing yourself from moving on and healing. You have to accept the fact that she's made a decision - and that decision doesn't include you.

Many of us here have been in this same boat but we've learned to accept the situation and move on. Leave her alone. Don't get her a single thing.

So.. Valentine's Day tomorrow. I was thinking of getting her something, nothing big, just maybe a rose and homemade card or soemthing that just says I'm still thinking aobut her.. not sure if this is a bad idea or not, any advice on that?

Should I just leave her be?

She already knows that you are thinking about her.Your actions have made that evidently clear.Dont send her anything.She broke up with you,meaning she didn't want you in her life.GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS!

Gearhe4d,
What can I say: NO DO NOT BUY HER ANYTHING.

She will not appreciate it, value it and will probably throw it in the bin or something... what a waste of money and effort from you...

Remember she is with someone- HE will be getting her the V gift and probably be spending the V DAY with her!!!

I think you should go and buy something nice for YOU- When was the last time you did that for YOU?

OR if you don't feel like getting anything for you and really want to waste money- then maybe you should get us all (all the folks that replied to your post) a present!

Listen to zeeniee: He's right, your out of the picture and buy for yourself. It really won't
Hurt you.

Save your self the heartache Gear. It won't do you any good...especially when it turns out that she hasn't got anything for you. I got my ex a really nice Christmas card and a nice gift....what did I get? Nothing. She "didn't have time" to get me anything or even write me a card.

LEAVE HER BE! No good can come of it at all. She already knows you are thinking about her. It will send her a stronger message if you get her nothing.


All right, since basically everyone said not to, I'm not getting her anything, I'm just curious what you mean about it being a "stronger" message that way?

Thanks for the help again.

Im in the same boat as you gearhead, my girl broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Its still painful. Ive been trying to go NC, but shell text me every once in a while. Ill get drunk and try to call her or show up at her house, only to freak her out. My ex needed the space to stop partying and focus on her and her son, but still continues to live the life we did. Ive pissed her off to the point of no return, but who knows? Maybe she will come back, but until then I'm trying to move on. We were moving away together, looked at engagement rings and she stopped taking her because pills, talking about another child. She's 28 this year ill be 26. I was the nice guy just like you and smothered her just like you. She felt "we spent too much time together. She lost her job and I lost mine, she's losing her house and has a 10 year old. The next thing she got rid of in her life was me! She told me I was too nice, and that we wanted different things. Of all the f---king holidays to be broken up V day is today and were alone. My girl was beautiful, she had the body of a porn star, fake breasts, 27 inch waist and a j lo butt, she was perfect, but also had these isssues, I know it hurts to watch them suffer and deny help. Entering back in her life will only push her away. Trust me I've done it, for the past 2 weeks. Were nice guys, before you know it they will realize what they are missing. Its up to you whether you want to be with her again after she's hurt you like this.

Alright, since basically everyone said not to, I'm not getting her anything, I'm just curious what you mean about it being a "stronger" message that way?

Thanks for the help again.

Well the way I see it, she was probably expecting you to get something for her, because of the way you've been acting since the break up. So when you don't get her anything, she will probably be surprised and wonder why... and maybe wonder if you are moving on, or if you got someone else a Valentines gift.

Not that that really changes anything, its not going to make her get those feelings back. But people want what they can''t have... as I have said before, if you ever want her back, you first need to focus on yourself, better yourself, and move on. The more you pine for her, give her gifts, keep on talking to her, the more its just going to push her away.

That's where I am at now... god how I wanted to send her a valentines text yesterday, or just call to catch up. But its not going to do any good... in fact its just going to make it all worse and kill off any chance of a reconcilliation down the track. It might happen one day, but there is a lot of water to go under the bridge before that ever happens. At that applies to your situation too.

Accept that its most likely over for ever... of course there's a chance one day down the track, but its not something that you can wait for, its just something that will have sort itself out on its own.

You can't hold on to a person against their will. They have to be with you because they want to be. Sometimes a person has to feel freedom for awhile, but then they will look around and say to themselves, "I had it much better with him and I miss him." Then they will be with you willing, and loving it, instead of feeling manipulated, if you had forced them to stay with you and not let them go. If they never return it gives you a chance to start fresh with someone who will appreciate and love you for who you are.

It's official, I've been replaced.
She's now together with that guy friend of hers.

I've reached a new low of sadness this morning.

No worries man. I know how it feels. You HAVE NOT been replaced. No one can take your place, seriously. Don't look at it like that. I know it hurts, and I am sorry you found this out. I KNOW it sucks... but, you can only go up from here. That is the good news.

I know how you feel man... have been where you are. I know you have been reluctant to do it... but use this as the motivation to just swallow your pride, take your dignity, and cut her out of your life. This should be enough to knock her off her pedestal.

Cut her out to remove yourself from the pain. What you don't know can't hurt you. And believe me, you don't want to know.

But as KC said... its only up from here. Have a read through my thread... I'm still hurting, but I'm much better, and beginning to have fun again... there are plenty of hot single girls out there... might take a while for you to be ready... but you will get there.

Go and watch the movie "Swingers" with Vince Vaughn in it... its a great move for guys going through all this breakup BS.

Keep your chin up mate. It will all be OK.

Only a matter of time for me to be in that same position. I was doing good for a week, then I went back to square one. And will hate the day I see or hear her with someone else.

I guess it really is true about the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing.

Funny how, in my head, I'm still trying to figure out a way to get her back even knowing that there isn't any hope in that. Sort of an interesting feeling, knowing that she is now doing all of the cute little things she used to do for me, for some other guy now, and I'm still infatuated with her.

Dosen't it seem more logical for me to hate her right now or something? Or at least not want to talk to her, or see her?

Why do I feel completely the opposite? I usually don't want to be around people that aren't interested in me, or would much rather be around people other than me. I don't like how I've sort of become this idiot who feels like he needs to be around a particular person now.

We experience a wide range emotions going through a breakup, and not necessarily all in the same order as others so this is normal.

Its also normal to want to be with someone that we've had a bond with. This is similar to losing a loved one, a pet, etc. There's an emotional attachment component that you simply can't just turn off at will - but time can and will lessen the intensity of these feelings.

I went through similar thoughts myself until I finally truly accepted my ex's decision. I even toyed with the idea of her getting back with me - I think when we're put in this situation we all do. The important step now is to keep moving forward. We have to accept that we must live our lives without them. We had a life before them, did we not?

Its over man sorry try to win her back give her a pet or something

Pets won't work, only create more emotional pain for her. Shell associate you with the pet and spread more depression. If she rejects it, guess what? Your stuck with a pet. Gearhe4d, when you find something that works, tell me because my ex isn't with someone but sooner or later she won't stand being alone.

From what I can tell nothing works. Guess we just have to get used to the idea that it will only get worse, and you shouldn't really let yourself feel secure with anything. If I could go back and tell myself to just have fun with her, but not to get attached, I would. I've spent so much time trying to make her happy, because when I made her happy, it, in turn, made me happy. Now I'm basically stuck in this place where I can no longer make her happy, which means I don't know how to make myself happy.

I'm sure you've probably felt like I did sometimes even when I was with her. I used to feel like there was no way I could be this lucky, and it wasn't going to last. Look forward to that stereotypical nagging wife I guess. Or be single, which currently seems like the easier route. Either way, don't expect fulfillment to last I guess. They get bored of you.

Tell her you love her

tell her you love her

Your advice is garbage! Think before you post something, otherwise, just don't post anything at all. It is clear you have no idea what you are talking about.

Gearhe4d u and me are that 3% of the nice guys before we turn into a$s_oles because of that one girl who screws us over. U and me are so much alike and are in the same situation. We can't give them what they need and its killing us. If u want to try, check out tw jackson on you tube, he has good advice. How you go about doing it plays a part. It gave me some hope, but its not complete

gearhe4d u and me are that 3% of the nice guys before we turn into a$s_oles because of that one girl who screws us over. U and me are so much alike and are in the same exact situation. we can't give them what they need and its killing us. if u want to try, check out tw jackson on you tube, he has good advice. how you go about doing it plays a part. It gave me some hope, but its not complete

DO NOT buy into TW Jackson. As a first hand sucker, I spent the money on that book, and it doesn't do any good. No matter how good TW may be, no matter how much he may know about relationships, he (thus you), cannot control how your ex feels. NOTHING you do will bring her back, but her own actions. He simply takes advantage of people in a weak emotional state... "How to get our Ex back?" Are you kidding me? Don't fall prey to that stuff.

Gearh4ed,

I can tell that your confidence is probably at an all time low right now.

Remember these two things:

1) She didn't get bored of YOU. She got bored of HER life.

2) She didn't reject YOU, she rejected the relationship.

Play your cards right, and you'll look back on this day as the day you became a man.

Whoa whoa, I didn't say buy the book, all I said was listen to what he has to say. All about letting them realize what they are missing, and they may come back. Let them come back to you stuff. Nobody can control how our ex's feel but them, but trying to understand them is better than giving up

Back when she first dumped me, I'll admit I did look into all of the "How to get your ex back" bull, and I did stumble across the Jackson guy. I knew it was just another scam though, and didn't really look into it any further. I assume it is just going to tell me things I already know, so there really isn't a point.

Even if it did help, I don't want to be that useless douchebag guy who used one of those to get his girlfriend back (temporarily.)

At this point I'm just really starting to understand that even if I get her back, it'll only only be for another short run, she'll eventually get bored with me again and think she's missing something and I'll have to go through all of this all over again.

Heartbroke, if I can give you any advice, which in reality I probably don't know much of anything, but I'd say-

Don't do relationships.

Dad told me that exact thing when I was little, wish I would have listened. They start great, and no matter how hard you try, they are going to get sick of you, or you are going to get sick of them. And then the pain rolls in.

Even in marriage. Except in marriage, you're sort of stuck with them, especially if you have kids.

Hey Gear4hd,
I am sorry to hear this news for you as it must be very hard for you. But look on the positive side- you now have clarity on the situation- she is with someone else. PERIOD. THE END.

So now you must realise in time and with all the advice everyone has given- that the time has come and the time is now right for you to start healing bit by bit- we all know how hard it is- that's why we are on this site- and so as hard as it is for you- remember we are all in the same boat, trying to over come such situations and so your not alone!

Okay one confession- yep I read the TW Jackson e book- and it is s h I t e! I can't believe I read that in Sept! OMG!! How embarrassing! Oh well- I am sure many of us has done that somepoint in our post break ups!

Take it easy Gear4hd, go and treat yourself with something nice- something you wanted to get for a while- but haven't done so.. and most of all be very kind to yourself!

I'm not a very material person, honestly there isn't anything I want.

I'm not a very material person, honestly there isn't anything I want.

How about this:

Go get a haircut. Buy a new shirt and a new pair of pants. Maybe some cologne.

Take a shower, do your hair, spray on the cologne, get dressed, get out, smile at girls.

Repeat if necessary.

Get some nice shades

Look in the mirror more and say you are a good person

Smile smile and smile- you just don't know who will catch your smile and make your day!

Keep repeating the above with itired advice!

Wow... Gearhead, I'm sorry for you. I really am.
I've been paying so much attention to your story that I felt like a part of me died when you finally said she was with someone else and a part of me remembered all the pain I felt back when the same thing happened with me.

Giving advice in these situations is usually a hard thing to do. Everyone experiences this differently. Over the coming weeks and months you'll have good days and you'll have bad days. The important thing is to focus on the things that make you happy. I realize that right now, nothing will, but as time goes by you'll notice some activities and some particular tasks that make you forget all about her, focus on these things.

Furthermore, try to stay busy. Many people suggest not to be alone, but that didn't work for me, at least, it nearly took me an entire month before I could go an entire day without being alone at least a few hours.

I guess in the end the only real thing I can offer you is a cliché, only time will help you heal your wounds (well time and going no contact, but it seems you've realized the importance of no contact by now).

And don't have such a grim outlook on love. Or well, what can I say, have any outlook on love that you want, but I can promise you all that negativity and all that doubt will also fade with time. And many years down the line when your ex has spent a few years with someone else and realize that they argue a lot more and generally aren't as happy as the two of you were, you'll already be in another relationship with a woman who's much more selfsacrificial than your girlfriend was and you'll be happy.

In general, I think the reason why you could spend so much time with this girlfriend of yours and still feel madly in love had very little with her to do. All of this came from you, and there's women out there just like you are, who don't always keep looking for something better even when they are happy.

Trust me, you're better off getting rid of this one right away and start looking for someone who truly deserves your attention. I know I'm glad it ended up with my girlfriend before we'd spent 10 years together and have two kids when she finally realized she was dissatisfied with her own life and I'd sit there being much more miserable.
The fact is - There's plenty of women out there who have no problem being in a long and loving relationship, you just have to find them, and you never would have had you still been with your girl.

All in all though, every time you have something on your heart, feel free to post it here, we're all here for you and we've all experienced what you're going through, and many of us have already made it through on the other side and we can promise you that this time around, the grass IS greener.

U know I had such a grim outlook on love, and then the girl that I was with came along. In a sense she saved me but I feel like she put me right back where she found me after she dumped me 3 weeks ago after 9 months of true dedication. Which wasn't really fair.

Wow... Gearhead, I'm sorry for you. I really am.
I've been paying so much attention to your story that I felt like a part of me died when you finally said she was with someone else and a part of me remembered all the pain I felt back when the exact same thing happened with me.

Giving advice in these situations is usually a hard thing to do. Everyone experiences this differently. Over the coming weeks and months you'll have good days and you'll have bad days. The important thing is to focus on the things that make you happy. I realize that right now, nothing will, but as time goes by you'll notice some activities and some particular tasks that make you forget all about her, focus on these things.

Furthermore, try to stay busy. Many people suggest not to be alone, but that didn't work for me, at least, it nearly took me an entire month before I could go an entire day without being alone at least a few hours.

I guess in the end the only real thing I can offer you is a cliché, only time will help you heal your wounds (well time and going no contact, but it seems you've realized the importance of no contact by now).

And don't have such a grim outlook on love. Or well, what can I say, have any outlook on love that you want, but I can promise you all that negativity and all that doubt will also fade with time. And many years down the line when your ex has spent a few years with someone else and realize that they argue a lot more and generally aren't as happy as the two of you were, you'll already be in another relationship with a woman who's much more selfsacrificial than your girlfriend was and you'll be happy.

In general, I think the reason why you could spend so much time with this girlfriend of yours and still feel madly in love had very little with her to do. All of this came from you, and there's women out there just like you are, who don't always keep looking for something better even when they are happy.

Trust me, you're better off getting rid of this one right away and start looking for someone who truly deserves your attention. I know i'm glad it ended up with my girlfriend before we'd spent 10 years together and have two kids when she finally realized she was disatisfied with her own life and i'd sit there being much more miserable.
The fact is - There's plenty of women out there who have no problem being in a long and loving relationship, you just have to find them, and you never would have had you still been with your girl.

All in all though, everytime you have something on your heart, feel free to post it here, we're all here for you and we've all experienced what you're going through, and many of us have already made it through on the other side and we can promise you that this time around, the grass IS greener.

Thanks for your help, and I really appreciate your concern. I know I shouldn't and I'm not going to, but I keep thinking I should tell her new boyfriend not to get too attached and turn into psychopath that I've become.

U know i had such a grim outlook on love, and then the girl that i was with came along. in a sense she saved me but i feel like she put me right back where she found me after she dumped me 3 weeks ago after 9 months of true dedication. Which wasnt really fair.

Yep, just like I said, they will get bored with you.

But not until you finally believe that they love you and you get yourself attached.

I guess I'm saying that you can't really be satisfied either way, either you fall madly in love with her, and you want to be with her forever, and then BAM you're dumped, or you guard yourself and don't let yourself really be in love with someone and never become fully satisfied. Or you fall into that 95% of marriages catergory where you PUT UP with the other person, or they put up with you.

Gear4hd,

What the new boyfriend does is not your concern

What your ex does is not your concern

What is your concern: YOU!

Start worrying about YOU!!

If you feel like saying something to the ex or new boyfriend- write it out and email it here- and so at least it is out of your system!

Sorry about the let down, but now you have to move on. As they say "She's just not into you".
Sucks, but don't be second best, be the best with the next gal. Good Luck and God Bless You.

Here's a couple of good clips from Swingers that might help you out:
YouTube - Swingers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu-QjTNtDz8)
YouTube - Favorite scene from Swingers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8slB-mYCPw&feature=related)

And eventually... this will be us in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJmct5tstk&NR=1

I could/can totally see myself in Mikey...

Gearhead, don't forget "the future is beautiful!"

This is the 9th day of No Contact.

Ran across an email from her saying that she wants me to "get on MSN more."

Also another email, giving me her new cell phone number.

I haven't replied to her at all yet, feeling really bad about it. Why is she still trying to contact me if she has this new boyfriend of hers?

How are you doing gearhe4d? I still feel the same about my girl, but Im going to the Caribbean for 1 month to do volunteer work to try and forget this mess

Its not unusual for an ex to want to keep you in her life... as a friend.

Friends are good to have, if you can trust them. Why be friends with someone you can't trust?

Her boyfriend is a scam

This is the 9th day of No Contact.

Ran across an email from her saying that she wants me to "get on MSN more."

Also another email, giving me her new cell phone number.

I haven't replied to her at all yet, feeling really bad about it.Why is she still trying to contact me if she has this new boyfriend of hers?

Hi Gearhe4d,
You are doing the right thing for YOU- good for you- keep going forward- and don't look back, even thou it is hard.

The reason she still contacting you- is because she wants ALL HER DAMM CAKE and EAT it all to herself- and does not care about how this is unfair, how hard it is for you-- or how you feel about her. She just cares for her- and only her.

Keep going

I am actually in a current 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not going to say our relationship is great... because it isn't always great.

But we dated for about a year and a half.. and I told him I wanted a break because I wanted to concentrate on me, and hang out with friends and focus on school/work whatever the excuse was. But the thing is, is that break made me realize how much I loved and missed him! And we ended up getting back together.

She might be on a different page then you.. But you seem like a really sweet sincere guy and she WILL realize that she isn't going to find someone else like you that will always be there for her... but now its up to you... if she wants you back.. would you go back to her?

This is the 9th day of No Contact.

Ran across an email from her saying that she wants me to "get on MSN more."

Also another email, giving me her new cell phone number.

I haven't replied to her at all yet, feeling really bad about it. Why is she still trying to contact me if she has this new boyfriend of hers?

She is contacting you because she misses you, you were a part of her life and now you are not. This does not mean she wants you back.As soon as you start contacting here she will start backing off again. So don't think about her.Keep on doing this NC thing.

Just watched the movie "My best friends girl". Made me think about this. Since it is so hard to find really nice guys like us, there will be that one a$s hole who she will find and make her appreciate us more, coming back to us would be a decision she would have to make.

She is contacting you because she misses you, you were a part of her life and now you are not. This does not mean she wants you back.As soon as you start contacting here she will start backing off again. So dont think about her.Keep on doing this NC thing.

Also, take something away from this. Even though the relationship ended, and it's more than likely that she doesn't want you back, her continuing contact and statements like this show that you made a mark.

In the end, isn't that something worth being proud of? It shows that you were worth it, and you can be that for someone else again.

I am actually in a current 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. im not going to say our relationship is great... because it isn't always great.

But we dated for about a year and a half.. and i told him i wanted a break because i wanted to concentrate on me, and hang out with friends and focus on school/work whatever the excuse was. But the thing is, is that break made me realize how much i loved and missed him! And we ended up getting back together.

She might be on a different page then you.. But you seem like a really sweet sincere guy and she WILL realize that she isn't going to find someone else like you that will always be there for her.... but now its up to you ... if she wants you back.. would you go back to her?


Just out of curiosity, did you date anyone else during that break? Also I'm wondering how long it took you to start really missing him, and wanting him back.
.. and yes, I understand that my situation could be a lot different and there is a high chance that she won't ever come back.. but I'm just curious.

So, this is Gearhe4d, it won't let me post, or do basically anything on the site now for some reason on my account, so I've switched over to this one for now.

This is about the third week of no contact, including MSN and well, anything.

Still feeling pretty terrible, and I keep getting e-mails from her saying things like "Get on MSN more," and I got another the other day, that I didn't want to read, because every time I read a new e-mail from her, I just feel even more terrible. I decided to read it last night, and it went like this- "Hey, we changed our house phone number to blah blah, because of a new phone plan, I really want to hear from you, I get on MSN every night and you never get on anymore. I don't know what your reasons are, but I hope it's for your benefit."

What am I supposed to make of this? She still has the new boyfriend as far as I know, and I don't know if I should say something to her, or just keep up with no contact. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her now.

Do the right thing for yourself first and foremost - keep NC my friend, keep NC. You need to let yourself fully heal before you can even consider the possibility of talking to her. I know the temptation is strong but you must resist.

Ex's typically like to try to stay in contact to see how you're doing to help themselves heal faster - but most of the time unintentionally they delay our healing by doing so. Stay the course and keep NC and ignore further attempts of contact from her.

Hang in there!

I don't know if I should say something to her, or just keep up with no contact.
Keep NC, and delete her messages unread!

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her now.
Keep NC, delete her messages unread.

Surely by now you have noticed the confusion that comes with any contact from her.

Well, what am I supposed to take from that last part of what she told me? "I don't know what your reasons are, but I hope it's for your benefit."

Is this trying to make me feel guilty about no contact? If so, I like how I'm the bad guy for not talking to her and hearing about what her and her new boyfriend are doing and how much fun they are having.

Well, what am I supposed to take from that last part of what she told me? "I don't know what your reasons are, but I hope it's for your benefit."

Is this trying to make me feel guilty about no contact? If so, I like how I'm the bad guy for not talking to her and hearing about what her and her new boyfriend are doing and how much fun they are having.

You need to stop this obsession!

Second guessing her motivations and waiting for her to throw you a bone has gotten totally out of control.

Only she knows what she meant.

You have been given pages and pages of advice and while it is great that you have stuck with the NC,you just aren't listening to all the rest of the advice.

Its not just NC! Its getting on with your life and living in the now.

NC is just a tool.Without all the other tools you have been given,its worthless.

Begin the work of healing.Let go of what once was and stop holding on to this fantasy.

You are getting good advice, and some may not be what you what to hear, but hang in there.

Don't dwell too much on it, Trevor.
I also used to spent countless hours trying to decypher every little bit of information my ex gave me back then, but in the end it just wasn't worth it.

She might be trying to make you the bad guy, she might not. Maybe she just wants a response out of you. At the end of the day though, she really doesn't deserve anything from you, and as such you shouldn't give it to her.

So far you've been really strong, keep up the good work.

I'm not really sure how long it's been now with NC, something like 5ish weeks I guess. No real emotional improvements on my part.

She seems to still be with her new boyfriend, I guess this is it huh?

I'm sorry to say so Trevor but if you still haven't admitted to yourself that yes, this is indeed it, then that is probably the reason there's not been too much emotional improvement on your part. Either way though it'll take much longer than 5 weeks to heal.

It's a good thing you're still sticking with NC though, you just have to keep it going. How you know she's still with her new guy eludes me though, but I guess sometimes it's hard to avoid finding out these things completely.

I hope by now you're starting to see the bigger picture and realize that after she's been with this guy for a while now, even if they did break up and she wanted you back you could never live with any form of self dignity again if you let her. Keep it going man and focus on yourself and the things that make you feel better. You'll get there in the end.

You have to believe that it will get better and believe in yourself that you can over come this. Life always throws challenges at us. How we handle this challenges is what really defines you as a person.

You will succeed and you will feel better.

Let time do it's work and you will start seeing the light at the end.

Trevor any new updates?

Uh, no, nothing new really. Still haven't talked to her or seen her, not sure how long its been now, still feel really terrible and can't stop thinking about all of it.

Just kind of wonder how long I'm going to feel like this.

You will feel like this for a while. I keep reading where people say it can take up to 2 months for every year you were together to get over someone. I am a little over half way there myself going by that assumption.

Remember, it takes time to heal. You are doing well. Try to make plans with some friends to keep your mind off things.

You're doing great!

These last few days have been really hard for some reason, I've somehow been thinking of her even more than usual. I keep imagining myself talking to her and telling her how I've been feeling and how I can't stop thinking about her, and that she'll tell me she feels the same way and then she gives me another chance. I know it won't work that way, and it'll probably be more like after I tell her how I feel, she just thinks I'm more weird and stupid.

I just feel so bad all of the time now, I don't know what to do.. and I know I'm just beating a dead horse now, but I really can't handle this, I know I'm supposed to just keep up no contact, but I feel like I'm losing the strength to keep it up. I want to talk to her so badly that it's ridiculous, and I know I'm just going to feel even worse when I see her with her new boyfriend and how I've probably been completely forgotten at this point, or at least to the point that she isn't thinking of me at all.

It's so weird to think that she's constantly on my mind, but I'm probably never on hers now. Ugh.. I hate this helpless feeling, I just wish there was something I could do.

Same with me bud, we went out for a year and its been about 2 months since we broke and I still feel the same way about her. This is my 8th attempt at NC. I stopped talking to her last week on the 13th. It ended bad, me lashing out at her and telling her to fck off. But I'm still in love... how silly do I sound :(

This is still my first attempt at no contact, but I'm really wearing thin. Don't know if I'll be able to keep it up. I think I'm at somewhere like a month and a half maybe? Sort of lost track, but it feels like it has been forever, and I really hate it.

Damn your doing better than I am, but nothing around here helps me, I see her friends everywhere I go, her car, even the last guy that posted on my situation left his name which is the same as hers.

Ah, Heartbroke, I know exactly what you mean, every little thing seems to remind me of her and its like there is no escaping thinking about her even if you manage to for just a moment.

Just today her sister tagged me in three pictures of her and I at a wedding and I get to endure seeing how gorgeous she looked in her summer dress back then and how we were together and laughing and enjoying life, and now I wake up and wonder what the point is in getting out of bed.

This kind of thing seems to keep happening to me and I lose my mind a little more every time something like this happens.

Hang in there, you will get tired of feeling bad, and find something else to do that makes you feel good. Breaking NC will only be worse than it is now.

Go for 2 months, then 2.5 months, and then 3 months. Make small goals for yourself. When you feel like calling her, just keep putting it off a while longer. For example, if you really feel you need to talk to her, tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. When tomorrow comes if you still feel that way, tell yourself you will do it the next day. Keep putting this need for contact off for a little while at a time. Before you know it, it will be another couple of weeks that you have gone NC and another couple of weeks that you have continued healing.

As for thinking about the ex... I think anyone in our situation goes through periods like this. Heck, I've been on strict NC for almost 3 months, but I actually attempted to start NC almost 5 months ago (I had a few slips). I still think about her, fairly frequently. I was on the verge of tears last night.

The point is, you will never forget them or the things you shared with them. It just that the strength of those feelings you had for them get weaker as time moves forward. You have to remain strong through this period and commit yourself to over coming this and moving forward.

You have to do this for yourself, in order to make life beyond this point better.

So.. I have a situation.

Her birthday is coming up on April 1st, and I would really like to get her something, but I don't know if I should.

She got me a PSP and a bunch of games and other nice things for my birthday and it was amazing, I would feel pretty awful if I just blew off her birthday.

Even with what she did for me being put aside, I just feel like getting her something would be nice, but I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not... ehhh.. confusing.

So.. I have a situation.

Her birthday is coming up on April 1st, and I would really like to get her something, but I don't know if I should.

She got me a PSP and a bunch of games and other nice things for my birthday and it was amazing, I would feel pretty awful if I just blew off her birthday.

Even with what she did for me being put aside, I just feel like getting her something would be nice, but I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not... ehhh.. confusing.

She broke up with you, meaning she does not want you to be part of her life.Give her what she wants. And by giving her a present for her birthday you are just going to look desperate.

Well.. that isn't entirely true, she only dosen't want me as hey boyfriend right now. She still wanted me as a "friend" - I was the one who decided on this whole No Contact thing.

I don't know, this just dosen't feel right.

If you went way the hell out of your way to get someone a very expensive gift among many other expensive gifts and you gave them an incredible birthday, wouldn't you feel under-appreciated if (even after you decided you want a "break" from them) they completely ignore your birthday and do nothing?

Eeeee...

Well.. that isn't entirely true, she only dosen't want me as hey boyfriend right now. She still wanted me as a "friend" - I was the one who decided on this whole No Contact thing.

I don't know, this just dosen't feel right.

If you went way the hell out of your way to get someone a very expensive gift among many other expensive gifts and you gave them an incredible birthday, wouldn't you feel under-appreciated if (even after you decided you want a "break" from them) they completely ignore your birthday and do nothing?

Eeeee...

Wake up and smell the coffee, she still wanted to be friends that's the bull sh-- line they feed us when they are breking up with us

The friends line is nothing more than them trying to ease their own guilt. You have done nothing but go against every piece of advice we have given you. We say don't write a letter, you write one. We say don't talk to her, you talk to her. Obviously your way is not working, so why don't you take our advice. It hasn't worked your way, so give ours a try

Entropic;1625573, So.. I have a situation.

Her birthday is coming up on April 1st, and I would really like to get her something, but I don't know if I should.

Hey Gear, DON'T DO EEET! No good can come of this. Let's play "what if" for a minute. Say you get her something and send it to her but she doesn't respond. Now you're going to be fretting over if she got it, if she didn't like it, etc. etc. So what if you get her something and she says thank you. Now you're going to be analyzing her reply trying to figure out if "she still likes/wants you".

Seriously, don't do it. Save yourself the time, money, and energy. She's moved on so let sleeping dogs lie. Trust us here, you'll feel better for NOT doing something like this down the road.

You owe her nothing. No presents, no happy birthday, and no card. She lost the privilege of getting all of those things from you when she broke up with you.

You need to start devoting your time and emotional energy you are wasting on her toward something else.

This has been going on so long it seems like it's just a big joke..

My friend, all that lovey, dovey, caring, and sharing, stuff stopped when you broke up!

That's a clear and undisputed fact you MUST accept, and deal with.

All that, is in the past, enjoy the memory, but look ahead. No gifts, cards, or emails!

Stay with NO Contact.

The friends line is nothing more than them trying to ease their own guilt. You have done nothing but go against every piece of advice we have given you. We say don't write a letter, you write one. We say don't talk to her, you talk to her. Obviously your way is not working, so why don't you take our advice. It hasn't worked your way, so give ours a try

What are you talking about? I never wrote her a letter (or at least I never gave one to her) and I haven't spoken with or seen her in months now. Pay attention guy.

I think this birthday gift situation is a pretty reasonable thing to be curious about.

My friend, all that lovey, dovey, caring, and sharing, stuff stopped when you broke up!

Thats a clear and undisputed fact you MUST accept, and deal with.

All that, is in the past, enjoy the memory, but look ahead. No gifts, cards, or emails!!

Stay with NO Contact.

I think some of you are getting me wrong here, my intention in getting her a gift isn't to get a reaction out of her or even see her, I kind of figured I would just get her something nice and thoughtful and leave it at her house for her when I know she is away at work or something. Then I'd just leave it at that, I don't expect anything back, it just seems like a nice thing to do.. is that so crazy?

Don't try to change our minds or convince us your right. You don't have to justify your actions either.

You're the only one to convince what the right thing for you to do is. You do what you feel like, and you will get the blessings, or the consequenses of your actions.

Reread your whole post, and think "what would I tell that guy to do, for his exes birthday"?

That's your answer. Now be honest with yourself.

Then the next thing you know you have christmas gifts and next years valentines day gifts lined up. Don't give to people who are only takers. Save the money and buy something nice for yourself. Its Trevor time, your money baby money!! Who's the man? Trevors the man! I've got my eye on a new crotch rocket since I got rid of mine in January. Buy something nice for yourself bud..

Hi Trevor or is it Entropic?

Hmm, I read your post and I'm a newbie here so I'll give it a try to share some.


I cannot judge if your ex's reason of your breakup was the truth or an excuse. But thinking about it I can say that some women I can add myself can't really function well especially if we're aspiring for a higher level of excellence or wants to focus on our goal. I cannot give you the logical answer to that but personally I busted suitors when I was in HS and College when I wanted to concentrate on finsihing my studies and graduate with flying colors.


And you said you were in love but love is a feeling it comes and it goes. It's you and only you who can decide when and how to ease your feelings. Sometimes you have to love more when you are hurt until there is no more hurt left but only love. :)


When the years passby and you run into this thread I'm sure this will make you smile.



But remember this, Friends can be lovers but lovers can never be really friends :)

Edited for chatspeak, and lousy spelling

It could go either way... she said she still loved you so that means there is still hope for a possible relationship, but her giving your stuff back isn't exactly the best sign. If you guys continue to be friends you will never lose her for good, so just be happy being friends for now. Good luck!

Funny how you tell us to pay attention when you have had this thread going for months are still stuck in the gift giving stage. When will YOU realize that it's over and you are not fooling anyone. We have all had those "gift" ideas, and next thing you know you are sending flowers because she said it was sweet of you to give her a gift on her birthday.

BTW, what I said about the letter was what we call an analogy. Let me know when you're tired of hitting that brick wall

Oh bloody hell! This is still going on?

I think some of you are getting me wrong here, my intention in getting her a gift isn't to get a reaction out of her or even see her, I kind of figured I would just get her something nice and thoughtful and leave it at her house for her when I know she is away at work or something. Then I'd just leave it at that, I don't expect anything back, it just seems like a nice thing to do.. is that so crazy?
This is the worst thing you can do for a couple of reasons. First and foremost you are likely to come across as the pathetic stalker ex-boyfriend that can't get it through his thick skull that IT ENDED MONTHS AGO! That will certainly drop your stock right there. You say you don't expect anything back and if you believe that then you are BS'ing yourself as much as you are us. I almost guarantee that you are hoping that this little token will open some sort of door back into her life in the way that YOU want, not the way it currently is and when that doesn't happen you are going to be crushed all over again and back to square one. The bottom line is that it was over months ago and since then you have been given advice on how to start dealing with it so when it got to this point you would be as prepared as possible but you chose to ignore it.

You keep running into that same brick wall and I guarantee you that it ain't going anywhere hoss! Instead of throwing yourself at it head-first, try side stepping a few feet and knocking on the door. Eventually there will e someone there to answer it someone that deserves this type of dedication... because it sure as hell ain't her.

OH MY GOSH!. 39 pages of GREAT advice and you are still struggling with the whole concept of NC.
First and foremost... READ Rome's sticky on the NC rules.. that should be a starting point!
You should NOT, I repeat.. NOT send her anything for her birthday. You are not her boyfriend, you are not her friend (at the moment)... I'm sorry but you need to show some strength dude!. we have all gone through it or are going through it right now...
You need to focus on yourself... improve yourself, do things that you can be proud of... don't waste time my friend.. you will regret it!.
We are only trying to help... 39 pages of great advice.. LISTEN TO IT!. STICK WITH NC!. IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!. its for the best dude.

Oh bloody hell! This is still going on?

This is the worst thing you can do for a couple of reasons. First and foremost you are likely to come across as the pathetic stalker ex-boyfriend that can't get it through his thick skull that IT ENDED MONTHS AGO!.

Okay, this post gave me the answer I was sort of looking for. Didn't think that I might come across as the "pathetic stalker etc. ex-boyfriend." So it looks like I'm going to just let it go by.

.. and for the rest of you who are hammering me about NC, I haven't broken it yet at all.

Thanks again for the advice and help with this.

Hi Trevor or is it Entropic?

Hmm, I read your post and I'm a newbie here so I'll give it a try to share some.


I cannot judge if your ex's reason of your breakup was the truth or an excuse. But thinking about it I can say that some women I can add myself can't really function well especially if we're aspiring for a higher level of excellence or wants to focus on our goal. I cannot give you the logical answer to that but personally I busted suitors when I was in HS and College when I wanted to concentrate on finsihing my studies and graduate with flying colors.


And you said you were in love but love is a feeling it comes and it goes. It's you and only you who can decide when and how to ease your feelings. Sometimes you have to love more when you are hurt until there is no more hurt left but only love. :)


When the years passby and you run into this thread I'm sure this will make you smile.



But remember this, Friends can be lovers but lovers can never be really friends :)

Considering how quickly she jumped into another exclusive relationship, I'd say it dosen't have much to do with her school work or job.

You Trevor your ex and mine gave us all the bull excuses. They don't know what they want.

ya Trevor your ex and mine gave us all the bull excuses. They don't know what they want.

Sure they do. They know that they want something other than what they currently have... or would it be had? Anyway, the "bull excuses" are nothing more than a way to soften the blow. People will say anything if they feel that it will make it easier on the person who's heart they just ripped out. "Taking a break" is just saying that they don't want to be with you anymore but they still care enough to try and make it as easy on you as they can.

I agree with you Mark... I was given a bull excuse as well... she told me she wanted to live the uni life single because she "felt uncomfortable in a relationship and didnt know why"... in reality she just wanted to pursue the other guy she had been getting friendly with over the few weeks... All this was clear to me when I was thinking straight. NC is great... you really can think objectively once all the emotional dust settles.. it was only once I finally realised this that I was able to really make progress on my healing... hopefully the OP can save himself some time and start the healing right away!

I just don't understand why I'm not feeling any better about this yet. Its been sort of a long time now, but I still can't stop thinking about everything. When does NC start to help?

It takes time. I have been doing NC for 6 months now and even though I think about m ex almost everyday it not as bad as it use to be when I first started.Be patient with yourself.

I just don't understand why I'm not feeling any better about this yet. Its been sort of a long time now, but I still can't stop thinking about everything. When does NC start to help?

When you change your attitude.

When you stop thinking NC is a miracle cure and get out of your own head and start to truly move on.

Make some changes in your life.Do a mental/emotional housecleaning and decide to get rid of the habits and thought process that are keeping you tied down.

Shout This Is Enoughand mean it!

Get out of the shell of pain and whenever she pops in your head and you are about to feel that same old lame sadness yell *NO* and turn it around.
If you have to mentally yell *NO* ten times a day ,do it,until that is your new habit.

You are getting into a pity pot mode and you have to force yourself out of it!

Believe in yourself and your ability to have control over your emotions.

You do have control !

Had to spread the rep, Artlady, but waiting for NC to work, is a waste of time.

Staying busy, and changing habits, takes a plan of action, and then there is a lot of work to do.

She showed up at my house today out of the blue and talked to me for a bit, and gave me back something I had left at her house, and then she got home and I (which you probably are going to castrate me for doing) spoke to her on MSN and she started telling me that she is really unhappy and her relationship with the new guy isn't working out at all. Then she sort of seemed angry with me for not responding to any of her e-mails, and I apologized and tried to explain why. We started to talk about the two of us, and she was saying that she was happy with me and that her head is screwed up.

Is this a good thing? Or am I just setting myself up for another fall? (I am keeping in mind that it probably won't go anywhere so I'm trying not to get my hopes up.)

Sorry this thread has gone so far.. but this is the only real advice that I get.

So whenever she fells like hanging out with you, you let her, but when you fell like hanging out with her she is not there.You are setting yourself up, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, she is just using you.Over 40 pages of advice and still, come on man using your head for once

Back to NC, is the only way you stop her confusing you. I think she is keeping you close to have someone to give her some attention, when she can't stand this guy any more.

Then she will be gone (again) when someone fresh comes along. You don't need that, and its not love, nor is it healthy.

Wow read a lot of the pages. Bro I am 22 and on day 4 of NC. It wouldve been day 7.

Stop believing in against the odds, NC IS the supernatural. I was 19 when my ex did NC to me and it worked wonders. 3 years later, surprise! I'm back with a new dumb girl wanting a break.

We are all trying to help you. It's time to let go.

Trevor,
I read 41 pages of this thread with patience and really hoped that you were right about your persistence and you 2 became lovers again... BUT, as we see all, she has chosen another guy when you were there for her. You are now a safety net, a back up plan for her. Don't let her think that way! ıt's not for your benefit...
Believe me, NC is the hardest thing in the world (especially you're in love) I'm doing it for 8 months (last August, I broke up with my fiancee) At the beginning I was thinking her all day (even in my dreams) I cried at nights. I tried just to survive (I felt like a living zombie). And after months I am healed.
You must realize that's over. Sad but that's life...

I have no idea how it all happened, but she came out and told me that she wasn't happy with the new guy and that she misses me and misses my sense of humor and the things that we used to do together. So.. she dumped him, and after a week or so we've started to spend time together again. I'm not really confused or worried, and I'm keeping in mind that this could all change at anytime and it could just be sort of a rebound thing. I guess now I'm just wondering how I should try to be around her. I'm not feeling terrible about this so much now so I can handle it if it falls apart again I think. She's made it clear now that she wants me back, but I'm trying to be more of a "challenge" for her this time around. Am I headed in the right direction?

So things didn't work out with the other guy and now she comes running back to you? And you are entertaining the idea? I would have told her to pound sand but that's just me.

The best way for her to look at you better is to go about life having the best time... you only have one life. No contact with her would be best.. It'll make healing take longer

Guy, you're going to F**K yourself over on this. Let her sit on her own and straighten her life out. She's feeling weak and vulnerable now that what she had with this other person didn't work out.

She needs comfort and you are it. She is weak and showing her true colors.

Remember, a persons heart is a great liar - use your head on your shoulders first. And once you have control over that things will be come clearer.

I'll bet a million dollars you won't do anything any says here.

If you're happy being her second choice then go for it. In the end, you're always going to be a sucker for her and she knows this. She's rebounding off her rebound with you. When the next guy comes along she'll jump ship... again. Anyway, good luck with all this.

Guy, you're going to F**K yourself over on this. Let her sit on her own and straighten her life out. She's feeling weak and vulnerable now that what she had with this other person didn't work out.

She needs comfort and you are it. She is weak and showing her true colors.

Remember, a persons heart is a great liar - use your head on your shoulders first. And once you have control over that things will be come clearer.

I'll bet a million dollars you wont do anything any says here.

I agree he's in to deep in love with this woman

She dumps you hooks up with him, (remember the heartbreak? Reread your OWN words!) dumps him, jumps back to you, and your okay with it?

She should be alone. And you should be healed. But the lesson continues.

"break up" thing is the best teacher in life. I think you're both having your lesson about relationships; but one is going on hard way (and it's you Gearhead, my man)
I'm totally with Tal and Mark; you must be healed...
I hope you best luck...

I do get that feeling like I could be easily replaced again when someone new comes along. I told her that I don't want to be another failed rebound for her so we shouldn't be together for awhile at least. She was still talking about the other guy around me, and I don't think she understands how that makes me feel. So yeah.. I guess I better just drop it before it all happens again. Sigh.

I do get that feeling like I could be easily replaced again when someone new comes along. I told her that I don't want to be another failed rebound for her so we shouldn't be together for awhile at least. She was still talking about the other guy around me, and I don't think she understands how that makes me feel. So yeah.. I guess I better just drop it before it all happens again. Sigh.

I am sorry but you have got to be retarded, 42 pages of great advice and you still go running back to her, like you are her little puppy.This saga will never end because you must love pain

Wait what? I just explained that I told her I don't want to be back together with her.

Geez, you finally get her back, only to not want her. So now what??

I understand that it was difficult for you to reject her. Bravo! (I mean it) But be prepared: she will come to you because she doesn't want to lose you as a back up plan... And when she comes if you accept a relationship after all, one day she will dump you again...

Talaniman- I don't want to be together with her so soon after she's ending this thing with the new guy. I think she had missed me so much that it overwhelmed her and now she's confused again about what exactly she wants. I don't want to be another failed rebound kind of thing. I can assure you I still want her just as much as the first day I posted here, but I can see that it wouldn't last long under these conditions. I'd think she would need to be completely over this last guy, and from what she's told me, she clearly isn't. Am I not doing the right thing right now?

Okay. So, it is a possibility that you guys will get back together since she said that.. But, from a girls point of view, I don't think you guys will. I know, it hurts really bad. But she gave you your stuff back and said that she wants to be friends. Those two things are the most common in a for real breakup. It sounds like she just wanted to let you down easy by saying that it's just a break and all that. I'm sorry.