What can I do about my husband's girlfriend? How can I get her to back off? And what can I do legally to get back at her?

There is nothing you can do legally unless you file for divorce. You may then be able to sue for alienation of affection.

I'm just wondering what else there is to this story.

We have been having problems with our marriage but it was always because of outside forces. (kids getting in trouble with the law, family members and short of money and jobs)
But, we were standing togeather though it all. Then this past summer we had a argument and he took his wedding band off and started staying out late and not coming home until morning. Recently I noticed he was receiving phone calls and he would leave the room... then he started being mean, belittling me and lying to me.. now I know the woman's name, where she lives, and both phone numbers... yesterday I drove by her house and she called and told my husband I did... I listen to the message she left on his cell phone. He denys he's having a sexual relationship with her... but, he and I really haven't had any closeness since he took the wedding band off. I really don't want a divorce I am still in love with him and want to spend my life with him

Then you need to change him. You have no control over this other woman. You need to make him want to preserve the marriage. That generally means counseling.

Should I confront this girl and tell her we are working on our marriage and to stop calling my husband...

I just told you that you have no control over her. You need to work on your husband to stop seeing her. Don't get involved with her.

She obviously knows she being a homewrecker and isn't going to back off.

I know this isn't funny, and if you want to SAVE your marriage, there's little legally you can do to her.

Meanwhile, you can have some fun with her. When you know she's home, don't drive by her house, park right out front, get of the car and stand there taking pictures and lots of notes on a notepad. If she asks you what you're doing, take a picture, right another note... then say, "Nothing."

When you're husband asks you what you're doing, smile, write a note, then say, "Nothing."

You can repeat similar things to this at her work and while out shopping. It would be REALLY funny if you brought a guy in a suit with you to her house one day to do the same thing.

As I said, you're not doing anything illegal, you're technically just making yourself known to her and freaking her out since she has to use her own imagination as to what you're doing. Since you're doing "nothing", her imagination will do much worse than anything you might ACTUALLY do.

Lastly, some good humor about your relationship with your husband might actually help. Frame the nicest picture you took of his girlfriend's house and give it to him to give to her. "I thought this one came out best...maybe she would like it."

Keep smiling, when he seriously wants to talk to you about YOU TWO, then turn off the humor and silliness, but when he's acting weird, you can at least appear fine and having some fun.

That should make him look at you a little differently.

If things change between you, or you care to give some more specific backstory, we can give more advice on how to deal with him, but remember, the most attractive thing to a man is an awesome woman with a life and backbone of her own who chooses to be with him when she doesn't have to, and who admires him.

Whatever he did/does that you can admire, remember it, mention it, start praising him in those areas again. Even when you're fighting, keep pointing out those good attributes while you work on the others.

"I know what a good lover you are, very attentive, so I can understand what your girlfriend sees in you if you're sleeping with her, too. I am working on being better myself and hoped to do that with you...you understand."

You get the idea.

Ignore her, and make sure husband is doing the same

Tell him that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, but his having a girlfriend obviously doesn't fit into that picture.
Suggest counseling and such, but his response will tell you a great deal and help you decide what you next move should be regarding staying in your marriage or not.

Sometimes you have to be willing to cut your losses and move on... as painful and heartbreaking as that may be.

HE is the one who is cheating on you... forget the other woman. She isn't twisting his arm to be with her... he is making that choice. You can't make someone feel something they don't feel.

This is a bad situation. I had something similar but the girl was psycho. On the day we got married she came to his apartment and refused to leave saying she wanted to spend the day with us. What? Was she serious? The not so funny part was that I never even knew that she existed. This was a shock for me. I do not trust my husband and cannot seem to get past it. We did not speak to each pther 4 like 6 months after that day. I did not hear from him or her. Finally in April this year we decided to reconcile and what do you know, she calls me out of the blue? How convenient is that? How did she get my number? She finally admittedthat she stole it from his phone. I was pissed and almost enede the marriage again. Come to find out, they were still messing around. Well needless to say, I was devasted and humiliated. It has been almost 6 months and our marriage is not doing well at all. I do not know if he still talks to her but from ehat I know she is married with 2 kids. I wish I could tell her husband becauseI am sure he does not know. They are claiming that they are not seeing each other .Only time will tell....I am not sure that I am going to make it in this thing long enough to see.

Honestly there's nothing you can do to make her back off!


Starting a relationship takes 2 people so does breaking it off!


Even if you make her go away
There is no guarantee that your husband will stay faith full


What you need to do is get your husband to back off her. And if he doesn't
You deserve better! You need to divorce him and find yourself some one that only needs you in there life not a wife and whore!


And if you do make that choice you need to be strong and not place if ands or buts to it!
Stay strong

Getting rid of him will take care of the problem and stop you from being with a cheater. The whole thing your missing is that she can't do anything that he doesn't allow.

If you can tolerate him, then tolerate her too. Up to you.

If leaving is not an option then stop complaining, and share the SOB!!

I have fixed the problem. I have moved out of the home and have started the paperwork for a divorce. I have not seen him or talked to him 2 weeks today.

Be strong, girl.

I am having good days and some really bad days... but with family and friends it will get better... I deserve better and I will succeed!!

And the only way to get what you deserve is to distance yourself from the people who would stop you from getting it... which you're doing. Hard, sobering stuff... but this is the path.

I am having good days and some really bad days.....but with family and friends it will get better.....I deserve better and I will succeed!!!

Expect those good days and bad days to continue for awhile, it is a loss of what you had hoped your life would be, but it also allows you the freedom to move forward with your life. Divorce is not fun, but you will be wiser and stronger on the other end. Glad to hear you have family and friends to support, encourage, and rally behind you. You are right... you do deserve better!

Cdobben, I am glad to hear that you're moving on and look at your husband for what he really is. You deserve better and remember what don't kill you only makes you stronger. You are a strong women and I wish you the best of luck and what goes around comes around, so your husband will get his, twice as hard. It's good that you have a support system in place, lean on them. Best of luck!

I am having good days and some really bad days.....but with family and friends it will get better.....I deserve better and I will succeed!!!
WOW, I couldn't have said it better myself. :)

cdobben wrote'
... then he started being mean, belittling me and lying to me..

That is abuse. There is no excuse for abuse and if you stay in an abusive relationship the chances of you getting seriously hurt or killed go way up. Either ask him to leave or move out yourself and quick.

I put a PPO on him 2 weeks ago today and last tue. Was my final day in the marital home. I am now staying with family and have started divorce proceedings.

450donn disagrees: While I think the idea is great, it is also very dangerous. What if she has a gun and shoots you? Oh and it could technically be called stalking!Donn, you've been a contributor here on the forum long enough to understand the rules. In the relationship forums put your opposing opinions in a separate POST, not a rating. If you need a copy of the rules PM'd to you, I can arrange that.

You know better than that.

I put a PPO on him 2 weeks ago today and last tue. was my final day in the marital home. I am now staying with family and have started divorce proceedings.
Way to go, follow through and find some happiness for yourself.:)

Donn, you've been a contributor here on the forum long enough to understand the rules. In the relationship forums put your opposing opinions in a separate POST, not a rating. If you need a copy of the rules PM'd to you, I can arrange that.

You know better than that.

Your advice to the women was to stalk her husband's girlfriend!!

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Hi dear,
The other woman might think she has the upper hand, but I bet that he will cheat on her too - and that is something she will always have to have in the back of her mind.. so feel content in that thought.

If you really want to 'convey' something to her, send her a card stating that you wonder how long it will take until he looks around again, since he's gotten into the habit. If she's the jealous type, she'll not have a moment's rest and that will age her real quick. I'm getting a giggle just thinking about her stress.

Hang in there and be strong, we will be here for you 24/7 to help you heal.

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Your advice to the women was to stalk her husband's girlfriend!!!

Terms of Service (TOS) and Rules, rev. 12.7.07
While registration to Ask Me Help Desk is free, we do require that you agree to the following Terms of Service ("TOS"), which may be updated by us from time to time without notice to you. The last revised date is shown above, after the title.


5. Do not post any comments that are obscene, vulgar, hateful, threatening, or otherwise violative of any laws.

When a relationship is broken up by another person, some men have the urge to do more than just take pictures... some get drunk and violent towards the 'other' while emotions are at a peak. You obviously have not had that happen to you yet - be thankful.

Human beings don't always stick to 'rules' when emotions take over and we all know that.

We (at least I do, and I've known him a bit longer than you) also know that JB was only trying to help her release some of the pain that the other woman contributed to, as well as that cheating husband.

As a matter of fact, when considering 'crimes of passion' a camera is far less painful than a baseball bat - and many women have thought of that. I did not see any 'constructive advice' from you to the poster, only criticism of another poster - which I think is counter-productive.

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[QUOTE=Chery;1339427]When a relationship is broken up by another person, some men have the urge to do more than just take pictures... some get drunk and violent towards the 'other' while emotions are at a peak. You obviously have not had that happen to you yet - be thankful.

I don't know how you would know that this has not happened to me, but that's not the point .The point was that he was telling her to stalk his husband gf's.Which according me to is not a good idea.

Human beings don't always stick to 'rules' when emotions take over and we all know that.

We (at least I do, and I've known him a bit longer than you) also know that JB was only trying to help her release some of the pain that the other woman contributed to, as well as that cheating husband.


I thought he was being serious.If he was joking around then I am apologize to JB

As a matter of fact, when considering 'crimes of passion' a camera is far less painful than a baseball bat - and many women have thought of that. I did not see any 'constructive advice' from you to the poster, only criticism of another poster - which I think is counter-productive.


My "constructive advice" was telling her that it wasn't a good idea to follow JB's advice by criticizing JB.

If I offended anybody I am sorry again.

I'm a big boy, I can take it.

BTW, my suggestion WAS meant to illicit a humorous response from most readers, but I took it from a real-life incident from a very well-balanced friend. About 20 years ago his wife cheated and started to dissolve their marriage. So he did what I described above to great consternation of his wife and her lover.

They still got a divorce, but her lover freaked and split the scene, so she ended up with no lover (initially) and was pretty meek during the divorce. Every time he met with her and her lawyers he had pictures hanging out of his pockets and falling out of file folders... it completely unnerved her and she didn't fight him much on the settlement.

So, I don't go through life expecting nor fearing someone is going to go "baseball bat" crazy just because someone stands up to them. Might it happen? Sure, but it's no more likely than getting hit by a bus.

You can't live that way, and I don't. Chuckle away, I always say.

Dare81;1340642[/b]][quote=Chery;1339427]When a relationship is broken up by another person, some men have the urge to do more than just take pictures... some get drunk and violent towards the 'other' while emotions are at a peak. You obviously have not had that happen to you yet - be thankful.

I don't know how you would know that this has not happened to me, but that's not the point .The point was that he was telling her to stalk his husband gf's.Which according me to is not a good idea.

Human beings don't always stick to 'rules' when emotions take over and we all know that.

We (at least I do, and I've known him a bit longer than you) also know that JB was only trying to help her release some of the pain that the other woman contributed to, as well as that cheating husband.


I thought he was being serious.If he was joking around then I am apologize to JB

As a matter of fact, when considering 'crimes of passion' a camera is far less painful than a baseball bat - and many women have thought of that. I did not see any 'constructive advice' from you to the poster, only criticism of another poster - which I think is counter-productive.


My "constructive advice" was telling her that it wasn't a good idea to follow JB's advice by criticizing JB.

If I offended anybody I am sorry again.

That's cool.
I have read some of your posts and know you too have issues. Just don't be too quick to criticize unless you consider the source to be a troll. And take my word for it, JB is not one of them, dear.
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I'm curious if you had any resolve in this. I have a similar situation, except the "girlfriend" is a girl he went to high school 25 years ago, they met up on Facebook and have "connected". Now there's secret phone calls, secret email accounts and I just found a calling card ID and pin (which I shredded), so he could call her from payphones etc and not get caught. I know he hasn't done anything with her since we're 500 miles away, but it's still emotional cheating and I'm at a standstill. He refuses counciling because he will just tell them what they want to hear. Anything you've found helpful would be greatly appreciated.

We have separated and I have filed for divorce, which will be final at the end of next month. He claims that it was just an emotional affair... and I told him that was the same thing... he betrayed me and our marriage. He is trying to be the man that I fell in love with, but I still have problems with "her". We are talking but not living togeather. I am confused about a lot of things right now and the main is going through with the divorce. I never wanted a divorce but when he left and moved in with the woman it was the last straw. He has since moved out of her house and is staying with his sister, but that is only 2 blocks away from her house, and I work a lot of hours and we are not living togeather so I am still not convinced we are on the same page. I wish you luck, but I do know if you push to hard he will leave and go see her... the old addage comes to mind... The grass is always greener on the other side...

We have seperated and I have filed for divorce, which will be final at the end of next month. He claims that it was just an emotional affair.... and I told him that was the same thing...he betrayed me and our marriage. He is trying to be the man that I fell in love with, but I still have problems with "her". We are talking but not living togeather. I am confused about alot of things right now and the main is going thru with the divorce. I never wanted a divorce but when he left and moved in with the woman it was the last straw. He has since moved out of her house and is staying with his sister, but that is only 2 blocks away from her house, and I work alot of hours and we are not living togeather so I am still not convinced we are on the same page. I wish you luck, but I do know if you push to hard he will leave and go see her......the old addage comes to mind.....The grass is always greener on the other side......

Ah yes... the grass is always greener... until you eventually realize that you will have to mow it too!

I wish you well... much strength and peace...

We have seperated and I have filed for divorce, which will be final at the end of next month. He claims that it was just an emotional affair.... and I told him that was the same thing...he betrayed me and our marriage. He is trying to be the man that I fell in love with, but I still have problems with "her". We are talking but not living togeather. I am confused about alot of things right now and the main is going thru with the divorce. I never wanted a divorce but when he left and moved in with the woman it was the last straw. He has since moved out of her house and is staying with his sister, but that is only 2 blocks away from her house, and I work alot of hours and we are not living togeather so I am still not convinced we are on the same page. I wish you luck, but I do know if you push to hard he will leave and go see her......the old addage comes to mind.....The grass is always greener on the other side......


Yeah, and you made the bed now sleep in it, but it will always come back to me being too nosey. I just don't know how I will ever be able to trust him again. Thanks for your input and good luck to you.