My 15 y.o. son is not speaking to me again. This has been going on since mid December of '05. He tells me he hates me and that as far as he is concerned, he hopes that he never sees me again. He hates me with every bone in his body. Calls me names like c***, idiot, etc.

I am trying to understand why my son speaks to me the way he does and has no respect for me at all. He seems to actually enjoy hurting me and watching me suffer.

Why is he able to so easily detach himself from his me? Months and months have gone by; no communication from him whatsoever. I truly thought that I was a good mom, not perfect but one who loved her son with all of her heart and soul. I have searched deep inside to try to figure out what I have done to deserve this from my own son, but have come up empty.

He is depressed and angry. He lives with his father who allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants. Much easier to be a friend to our son than a parent. He has gone from all A's in school to all F's, he has been expelled from school and has been arrested 3 times. All of this in just a few short months. He has been spiraling downhill for a couple of years now, but most especially over the last 6 months.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I miss him so, but need to find some peace for my own well being.

Hi,
I am sorry to read about this, and your son does have a problem. This is one indication of drugs; but not always. Something that drastically changes the "thinking" of a person has to be dealt with.
I am 64, married 29 yrs, with my wife and I raising 3 children, who are now grown and moved away for better jobs. We have 1 grandson.
First, it's not your fault!! So please, stop thinking it is. Since your son lives with his father, then the father is the one who should be seeing all this, and taking appropriate actions. Your own well-being is up to you, and I know it must be hard seeing this happening, and can't do anything about it.
His father needs to take your son to Counseling, going with him. You both should go with your son to talk with someone, if he will go with both of you.
If his father won't "hear of it", and your son won't go with you to some type of counseling, then I really don't know much you can do.
I do wish you the best, and please don't think all this is your fault; it isn't. His father has seen this happening, and not done anything to try helping with it.
Best of luck.

I agree with what Fredg is saying. Even if its not drugs your son is at that rebelous age, and will do anything to upset you.
Counselling is probably a good idea, although I very much doubt your son will be willing to go. But you are his mum as u know what's best for him, so even if it mean dragging him from ears, and his father should know better and agree with you for your sons well-being.
Good Luck.

I would say that going back to court and trying to force the court make your ex take responsibility or action is needed.

This is one of the biggest signs of drug usage that you can see. Not saying it is, but big chance it is.

And as a non costodial parent, you have almost no say, nothing you can make them do. Without going though the court system.

Also the other idea is that your ex hates you so much he has turned your son against you, that happens a lot also. He hears dad say that you are a... and a... all the time and soon he believes it.

He also maynot understand why he is with his dad and not you, and blames you for that.

Thank you for your empathy and insight. Yes, my son is using drugs and swears that he will never give it up (marijuana). Only through a probation hearing has my request for counseling been heard. He is being drug tested on a regular basis as part of his contract with the school district, but that will only last as long as he has to be in the program.

My ex husband can't seem to put our past in the past. He lies to me on a continuous basis regarding our son or just "forgets" to keep me informed about our son, (we have joint legal custody). He insists that he can't force our son to get the help that he needs. I don't get it!

If you know of any support groups for parents going through similar problems, I would appreciate very much if you would forward the information to me.

Thank you so very much for your help!

You may wish to attend Famlies Anonymous meetings for support.

You can find a local meeting via their website at: http://www.familiesanonymous.org/

Thank you for your suggestion. I went to the website and unfortunately there are not any meetings where I live. How might I go about seeing that one gets started?

Often times our group will go out to the smaller centers and help them get started. It's helpful, but not necessary to have someone with experience come out and provide you an example of how they operate.

If there is a group near you, you can contact them to see if they are willing to help you. You can also contact the FA World Service Office via the website for information on how to start a local chapter.

I am actually going to attend a meeting this Thursday!

Thanks so much for your help! I am looking forward to this...

Ok I'm 17 so I think I can give some advice.

You seem like a great mom and I too have got great parents. Maybe perhaps its something genetic (a teacher of mine said that sometimes a persons personality is genetic, like for example I watched this documentary on how they found out that there might actually be a 'criminal gene').

You mentioned that all this has happened very recently. Well this is typical since once kid gets into trouble once, he starts to feel like a badboy and has no trouble doing it again. I remember when I drove my dads car (an expensive new Jaguar S-type) without a licence and insurance. After that I felt like a badboy, and continued. I then crashed it and it was totally wrecked it. Since I've got very understanding parents, they actually let it go by (this is when I knew that I could do anything without getting into trouble... perhaps that's what your son is going through now). After that I felt like a real badboy and started doing all sorts of stuff. Again, since I've got very understanding parents, they sent me to this therapist/conseling guy and he sorted me all out.. so yeah now id conisder myself as a 'goodkid'.

Maybe your son needs some counceling/therapy... it really helped me big time, maybe it'll help yours too (especially before he does something real bad, like me wrecking my dad's pride & joy car lol).

Since I've been a rebellious teenager before (Im 23 now) I may be of some help. First off, don't blame yourself for anything! You've raised your son to your best knowledge, but there comes a time in every teenagers life when they need to be "someone." Meaning they need to figure out who they are. More often than not they tend to go way over the edge and do things that are out of their character. Your son is choosing to call you names and close up his emotions.

Im almost positive his reactions towards what is going on with you and his Father are a main cause of his problems. Its apparent your ex doesn't care what he says about you in front of him, etc... So therefore your son may think it's true and/or okay to feel the same. Im sure he's very confused as well. Do you ever bad mouth his Dad in front of him or around him? Even if you don't think you are, more often than not kids are listening. I don't know the whole background on your situation, however, I can assure you (while it may take some time) everything will turn out for the better. I would suggest calling a lawyer, (or yours if you have one) and explain your worries and ask what can be done in Family Court. It's obvious your ex isn't doing a d*** thing to make sure your son is safe, so you need to step in somehow. Another good idea is to keep a journal of what happens for at least 2 weeks. Anything you think is significant will do. Make sure to bring this to your lawyer so he/she can discuss the ramifications with you.

Also, being that your son is only 15, he is a minor. Your lawyer can also help you with getting him some help now, rather than later. Legally he does not have a choice to keep up his shinanigans, so a court decision is best to decide what he needs. But being his Mom and realizing he needs help makes you still a good Mom, and shows you love him with all of your heart and soul.

Good Luck, and I hope Ive been some help. Please keep us all posted.

OK, before going any further here, check the last date of this thread, it was in April, and has not been responded to since.

Just a reminder for new members to check the dates.

Enjoy the forum! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

The child needs to be placed in an in-patient drug program where both his father and you will be expected to be involved in counselling.

This child is angry- probably with both you and his father. He is acting out and abusing drugs. He will progress to stronger and stronger drugs.

You *can* do something. You share legal custody. Have him placed in treatment regardless of whether you drug-addicted fifteen-year-old will be happy about it. It isn't necessarily about what he wants! It's about what is best for him, while he is young enough to be ordered into treatment.

The child needs to be placed in an in-patient drug program where both his father and you will be expected to be involved in counselling.

This child is angry- probably with both you and his father. He is acting out and abusing drugs. He will progress to stronger and stronger drugs.

You *can* do something. You share legal custody. Have him placed in treatment regardless of whether you drug-addicted fifteen-year-old will be happy about it. It isn't necessarily about what he wants!! It's about what is best for him, while he is young enough to be ordered into treatment.

Thank you for your suggestions! My ex husband and I have actually placed our son in a wonderful place located in Thompson Falls, Montana. He has been there for approximately 1 month now and is drug free and thriving.

He will be there for a minimum of 1 year where he gets his education, therapy, behavior modification, etc. I received my first letter from him last week, and it was full of so much love and sincere apologies for the pain that he has caused.

Both his dad and I are very committed to our son's health and welfare and have committed to doing this together for our son and for ourselves.

I feel very, very blessed and hopeful for our son's future and for ours as a family!

Thank you!

Wow, now I can understand why you've not responded back to us in a while.

Glad that things are looking good for you and your son's future. I really hope that all goes well.

Please also take into consideration that a few hours of counseling would do you and your husband a lot of good. When something goes wrong in a family, some members tend to look for 'blame' in themselves, and this also needs to be worked at. There is actually no real blame to place on any one individual, it could also be circumstances and outside influence. But, I'm certain that you are already aware of these possibilities if you've checked the program that the clinic has to offer and know what you can look forward to.

Again, good luck, and please keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)I think it is super that you all have a 'second chance'. Not all families are that lucky.

Wow, now I can understand why you've not responded back to us in a while.

Glad that things are looking good for you and your son's future. I really hope that all goes well.

Please also take into consideration that a few hours of counseling would do you and your husband a lot of good. When something goes wrong in a family, some members tend to look for 'blame' in themselves, and this also needs to be worked at. There is actually no real blame to place on any one individual, it could also be circumstances and outside influence. But, I'm certain that you are already aware of these possibilities if you've checked the program that the clinic has to offer and know what you can look forward to.

Again, good luck, and please keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)I think it is super that you all have a 'second chance'. Not all families are that lucky.

You are so right! We have been given a second chance, one which we are and will be forever grateful for. The program our son is in is not only for him, but for us as well.

Our journey has just begun and we have a long road ahead of us, but we are ready for the challenge!

Nina

This may seem strange, but I swear I can feel your joy all the way here in Germany. You are very fortunate and I'm sure that many parents who read this will gain hope through you, and maybe even a little envy.

Don't forget to keep us up-to-date, at least once a month, please. It does us all good to read some good news.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_15_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)I bet the next one will be even better!

This may seem strange, but I swear I can feel your joy all the way here in Germany. You are very fortunate and I'm sure that many parents who read this will gain hope through you, and maybe even a little envy.

Don't forget to keep us up-to-date, at least once a month, please. It does us all good to read some good news.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_15_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)I bet the next one will be even better!

How powerful and positive it is to not only feel so much joy and happiness, but to share it with others as well. This is truly a blessing for all of us!

Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and a deep sense of pride to my heart!

Hugs,

Nina

Nina, you came here in sorrow, and now you have a joyous new outlook. That sounds to me like the beginning of a 'success story', and the world needs more and more of them.

Keep on sharing it with us, dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

I went through something similar when I was younger. I can't say why it happened, and it certainly wasn't to the same extent as your son, but in the end, my mother made me accountable for thwe things I was doing. She took no interest in my rebellion and treated me with disregard. It pained her, but she knew that when she fussed over me and tried to sort it out I enjoyed her pain and did it more. I guess it was a taste of being alone, but it helped. Maybe you could take something from that. Not sure. (I mean I was 12 and a girl, so not sure if it's the same.)

I'm really sorry to hear this. I am a 15 year old so maybe I can help. I didn't like my dad so much for a while because we were so unalike. I would ignore him a lot etc etc.

You say your son is depressed?? He is also angry... maybe he made some bad decisions like smoking pot or losing his virginity. Chances are: its not your fault. Have you ever tried saying to him: "i still love you"?? You might even want to say "i still love you even if you hate me." If you never tell your kid that you love them; they think you hate them... I know trust me. Don't annoy him however by saying this; I don't know if he gets angry when you try to speak to him or not...

Perhaps you should think about asking your son to move back in with you. Perhaps he feels abandoned and could use your company.

Well I'm 16 year old male and all I can say is

WHAT EVER you do do NOT even mention therapy. That will just piss him off. Sounds like he hasn't had much love. I mean he lives with his dad right? And like you said his dad lets him do anything... This is all wrong and it shouldn't be happening. You have to get him to move in with you somehow and whatever it takes. A lot of my friends lives have been screwed up because there parents just don't give a ****. But you on the other hand sound like a very caring parent. You see my mom and dad love me very much and I'm aware of this. Im a very emotional person and that is because my parents have taught me that it is OK to cry,etc. I think the only people your son has been looking up to is probably his friends. You say your son gets into a lot of trouble and has been arrested 3 times.. Looks like he is hanging out with the wrong crowd..

Get your kid back and even if it's a slow process you have to show him you love him. Don't be strict but don't be too soft. And sometimes being a friend with him might be better then a parent at first.

I know I have crappy grammar,and I'm just going on and on but the point I'm trying to make is get him away from his father before it is too late.

I think you should think back, was there any mojor trama or accident in the family because maybe he is just depressed. If not it could possibly be drugs, but don't follow your son around even more acting all suspisous and stuff because that will just make him hate you more with or with out drigs. Talk to some of his usual friends, see if they have noticed a change in him at all. If they haven't maybe it isn't that bad after all. Talk to his friends parents see if they have seen such a dramatic change in their son as you have. If they have then the likely answer is that its drugs, because if your son has friends it is most likely he is getting high with them not by himself. Hope I helped

Im from the other side of therapy.I believe in tuff love.I have 3 children whom I love. They respect me,but there is also fear. I don't believe this to be bad.When I was growing up I was with a tuff group,but there was always that little voice in the back of my Our minds saying that Dad will kill you if you do this or that. Now we seem to be in the age of... you get in trouble and your or Xbox will be taken from you for a week.Remember if you don't descipline your child someone else WILL, and I doubt this person will LOVE your child as You do. Now you are not the primary parent you say and your ex is not doing his JOB properly. He is doing a great injustice to You and Your child. By taking the abusive words of your child you enable him to do it again.There has to be consequences to his actions. It isn't fair that we have to choose to be friends or parents. If we are parents in the beginning we will have them as friends soon enough when they grow up.:) Let him know that you love him and that you will be there when he is ready. Send him a t-shirt that reads: I'M ABUSIVE TO THE WOMAN THAT GAVE BIRTH TO ME... that'll rattle his cage... lol good luck and keep us posted.

Wow, now I can understand why you've not responded back to us in a while.

Glad that things are looking good for you and your son's future. I really hope that all goes well.

Please also take into consideration that a few hours of counseling would do you and your husband a lot of good. When something goes wrong in a family, some members tend to look for 'blame' in themselves, and this also needs to be worked at. There is actually no real blame to place on any one individual, it could also be circumstances and outside influence. But, I'm certain that you are already aware of these possibilities if you've checked the program that the clinic has to offer and know what you can look forward to.

Again, good luck, and please keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)I think it is super that you all have a 'second chance'. Not all families are that lucky.
I just wanted to give a quick update on my son and his incredible accomplishments! He is doing fantastic, excelling in his academics again, corresponds quite frequently with me with only good and positive things to say, has graduated two two seminars and is just doing extraordinarily well! I am very please to say that I am PROUD of my son today and of all of his accomplishments.

If you need help or you know someone who does, parent or teen, please visit the link I have listed below. You will see my story along with some of the best and most informative information that I was able to find while searching for help!

Thanks for all of the support!

http://springvalley.parentshelpingteens.com

I too have a 12 year old son that decided he could do what he wanted, used our credit cards online and then accused someone in the home of abuse when the child abuses himself. He admitted to the counselr he was seeing that he made the bruises on his legs because he had to do homework. But still Children's Services had to investigate and thinks we did something wrong when the child is abusive to everyone around him. This includes family friends and school staff. He is now living with his father in Tennesse in a trailer and they are living on welfare. His father refuses to work because he has other kids he owes child support for. It isn't you at all. I miss my son and he wants nothing to do with me. No phone calls and no visitation. We live several states away and I work full time. Makes me sad, but nthing I can do. :(

My 15 y.o. son is not speaking to me again. This has been going on since mid December of '05. He tells me he hates me and that as far as he is concerned, he hopes that he never sees me again. He hates me with every bone in his body. Calls me names like c***, idiot, etc.

I am trying to understand why my son speaks to me the way he does and has no respect for me at all. He seems to actually enjoy hurting me and watching me suffer.

Why is he able to so easily detach himself from his me? Months and months have gone by; no communication from him whatsoever. I truly thought that I was a good mom, not perfect but one who loved her son with all of her heart and soul. I have searched deep inside to try to figure out what I have done to deserve this from my own son, but have come up empty.

He is depressed and angry. He lives with his father who allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants. Much easier to be a friend to our son than a parent. He has gone from all A's in school to all F's, he has been expelled from school and has been arrested 3 times. All of this in just a few short months. He has been spiraling downhill for a couple of years now, but most especially over the last 6 months.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I miss him so, but need to find some peace for my own well being.
To ACaseofCrazies:

Wow! This sounds like I wrote it myself. I'm going through the same situation with my 15 yo son, who recently moved in with his dad and his new wife. His behavior the past few months changed dramatically, and essentially he wants nothing to do with me. Like you, I thought I was a good mother. Not perfect, but put both careers and life on hold to raise my son, not to only have him shut me out. I'm so hurt as well, and don't know how to handle it. My heart literally broke today! But I am somewhat relieved to know that I'm not alone.

You may wish to attend Famlies Anonymous meetings for support.

You can find a local meeting via thier website at: Families Anonymous, Twelve Step program and self help support groups. (http://www.familiesanonymous.org/)


If I was her son, This would make me even Angryer.

My 15 y.o. son is not speaking to me again. This has been going on since mid December of '05. He tells me he hates me and that as far as he is concerned, he hopes that he never sees me again. He hates me with every bone in his body. Calls me names like c***, idiot, etc.

I am trying to understand why my son speaks to me the way he does and has no respect for me at all. He seems to actually enjoy hurting me and watching me suffer.

Why is he able to so easily detach himself from his me? Months and months have gone by; no communication from him whatsoever. I truly thought that I was a good mom, not perfect but one who loved her son with all of her heart and soul. I have searched deep inside to try to figure out what I have done to deserve this from my own son, but have come up empty.

He is depressed and angry. He lives with his father who allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants. Much easier to be a friend to our son than a parent. He has gone from all A's in school to all F's, he has been expelled from school and has been arrested 3 times. All of this in just a few short months. He has been spiraling downhill for a couple of years now, but most especially over the last 6 months.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I miss him so, but need to find some peace for my own well being.

OMG Im currently going threw the same thing. Im so upset have been crying for a week now. Its tearing my heart out and I don't know what else to do I'm at a complete lost. Please contact me @ [email protected] Iwould love to talk to you and compare and just talk it would nice to talk to someone who's going threw the same thing maybe we can help each other thanks Vicky

Sorry, I misread the date as 2009.
Didn't realize this was over, but can't delete this post...

I say you need hard love this sounds kind of wired by taking advice from a 12 year old but that's what I know

Uh uoh did the same thing

Raising children in this day and age is a waste of time. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for many year, and you give the best years of your life, lose of fortune in money in raising them, and lost income, probably sacrifice your career for them.. and all you want is a happy home.. BUT the commie state and the sicko American society poisons kids from the time they go to school... so you cannot be a good parent because the commie state and sicko American TV & music society perverts all your values and activitely encourages rebellion against parents. So when you make a stand for what is right as your duty.. the kids hate you for it..

In this 21st century, and from the late 1960's when the Commie United Nations started making governments and schools destroy our values assisted by sicko American TV shows and music, with their war on the family and good traditional values.. our children end up with that poison and hate good parents..

My advise DON'T HAVE CHILDREN