View Full Version : He says he needs space but he still calls
Jun 22, 2008, 07:00 AM
My Boyfriend of a year and half one day decided that he needed time and space. Everyone thought that I was the "One" well it took him over two weeks to move out of our house and during that time I went and stayed at a friends house one weekend thinking a weekend apart maybe that would help him in his thinking but no it was totally not what I had expected he got mad and said if he wanted to be away from me he would tell me to go. SO I was just like OK... totally confused then he moved out I found a job at the local hospital which totally shocked the crap out of him. So I really thought I would only hear from him every now and then oh no he called every day when he first moved out I stayed with a friend for 4 or 5 days just couldn't handle the thought of going home and him not being there well I saw on my caller id that he had called several times everyday then I came back home and he still called after awhile I tried to get him to answer me on what was going on with me and him he would never answer he would change the subject ignore that subject or make a joke about it that went on for awhile then one day I was on lunch break and he decided to tell me that he wanted me to know that we are just friends and he has realized that he has never had that break from me and him that he needed and that I was always calling him on my lunch break and after I got home from work I Said yes and that is because if I didn't there would be times that you would ask why didn't I call you or where was I so I called you so you would not have to ask. So I was like OK so that afternoon I didn't call but he left me a message online that he had his number changed and here is the new number, then I had to go somewhere and when I got back I was not in my house 5 min and he was calling and he has called me every since he said he need that space and time from me he has been calling me all the time ask me over to his house a few times but he never come in my house since he moved out and I always wonder why.
SO why do you think he calls me all the time when he said he need time and space he said he loves me but he needs to make sure if he is in love with me. I love him with all my heart I still do even with all the hurt he has put me through in the last few months I want to stay and wait for him because I love him but everyday is getting harder and harder I still love him and am very much in love with him I am not sure what to do. When he said the second time that he needed that time and space and for us to be friends he said he still wants to do stuff together and to do things with the kids he has me so confused I don't know what to do please help me.:confused:
Jun 22, 2008, 07:16 AM
Give this poor confused guy what he asked for, time and space. I think what he really wants is more control, so I suspect he may be insecure, and immature.
Tell me, are you a very strong independent type?
Jun 22, 2008, 07:48 AM
Well I feel that I am, I didn't have a job when we were together I stayed home and took care of my kids and the house. I had done that well before my boyfriend came along and when he need his time ans space I found a real good job and he was so shocked about that and I pay the rent and all my bills by myself when he thought I would have to have my mom and dad help me out. But I have not. I feel that hey I am 34 it is time for me to take care of me not have my mom and dad take care of me. If I can do it on my own then I will I hate to ask for help I rather try to figure things out for myself. I love the song by reba mcentire I will survive. This is what I think about I can do this I can survive this. Just like I survived my divorce. I just want to know what to do how do I give him his time and space when he calls me all the time. He ask for the time and space but he is not taking it.
Jun 22, 2008, 08:42 AM
You can either avoid his calls, forcing him to take his time and space... OR... you can tell him flat out, "Look, you want time away from me, space from a relationship with me yet you won't stop hounding me on the phone...stop calling me, take your time and space, figure out what to do with yourself and call me when you're sure..."
But I agree 100% with talaniman... it sounds more like he wants you right where he left you, waiting on him to decide what he wants to do with you...
Essentially, by waiting around on him to make the final decision on the two of you, but still accepting his daily phone calls... you've given him the upper hand...
If you're tired of waiting for him to arrive at an answer.. tell him flat out, either you're in or you're not.. I need to know now... I'm a grown woman with kids and a job, I can't be playing high school games with you... Period.
Jun 22, 2008, 09:47 AM
I totally agree I love him but I need someone to be with me, and I don't have time to deal with the high school thing I am so past those days. I want to be with him yes. I do when I am alone at the house and I have time to stop and breath I wonder what he is doing and then well he calls, then there are times he doesn't but since he has asked I have tried to do things go to the library do things with the kids, etc. There are times he calls me because he needs help with his computer or something and he knows I know how to work on things like that and can figure out most things on my own it may take me some time but I try to figure it out on my own. So I feel like he wants me to do things for him, he wants me to do like I did when we were together living together being a couple but he watns to live in his own house, I think not sure but I think he has passed by my house when I have gone and he always leaves a message when I am not at home that I am dragging and something about me seeing all my boyfriends I am not looking for someone else I am so not ready for another relationship right now I am not sure what is really going on with this one. So If I just tell him to take his time and space do you think it will wake him up on what he had?
Jun 22, 2008, 10:09 AM
I see no reason to change who you are, without some very compelling arguments from him. So I would advise you to be more proactive in communicating with him, for example when he calls, and tries to small talk, you ask him what happened to time and space? Ask questions, and demand answers.
Just my opinion, he needs his ego stroked too much by you, and he is intimidated by your lack of depending on him. Poor fellow is taking yourself reliance as a slap in his face, I think. This is a sign of insecurity, and frustration with not being in control, and being needed.
Unless he can overcome his own issues, and open up and be real, he will always be a little boy seeking approval. You can make him talk, or make him leave you alone.
Jun 22, 2008, 10:13 AM
I think you doing your own thing is a good idea. Yes, tell him to take his time and don't answer his calls for a while. Don't run to his rescue every time he needs you to look at his computer.That may wake him up!
Jun 22, 2008, 11:31 AM
He sounds like he is searching for some control in the relationship and is very confused. He sounds like he really loves you can't bear to be without you but doesn't want to look desperate and wants you to ask him back.
But what he doesn't know is that he is pushing you away and acting immature, you both are having communicational problems as he is ignoring your questions and wants you to ask him and answer them. He is wanting to feel needed because he is showing signs of insecurity.
Jun 22, 2008, 11:41 AM
I would ask him, 'if you need your space because I called too much then why in your space do you call me all the time. Here I am trying to give you your space and you are calling me'.
I think he is still caring way more than he will admit to himself.
He probably doesn't want to come to your house because it would be hard on him in sort of the opposite way it was hard for you being there alone.
Give him time and space. It may be the only thing that brings him to his senses,
Jun 22, 2008, 12:31 PM
Thanks for all the advice. I am trying to do all this but sometimes when I hear him on the phone my mind says one thing but the words that come out of my mouth are not what I want to say. Then I get mad at myself but I find that if I just keep myself busy and don't talk to him then I can be OK. It is just the seeing him in town and well then there is him all the time calling me, I want to be his friend, because that is what he said he wants but he needs that time and space. So why would he ask for time and space but not take it, that just does not make sense to me. This weekend he knows that my car is down until they can fix it Monday and it is the weirdest thing he has hardly called my friends seem to think that is because he knows that I am at home and can't go any where. SO why do they ask for space but don't take it, I want him to take the space if that is what he needs to do so that we can work on me and him then I want him to do that. But why ask if you are not going to do it
Jun 22, 2008, 12:38 PM
I think you should avoid talking to him and not answer his phone calls or see him for a little while. If he doesn't get the comfort of saying you're on a break yet still being able to talk to you and see you, he will have to make a decision, which with what you say will probably be to stop the break. And it seems like he doesn't really want a break he's just having doubts which is only human.
Jun 22, 2008, 12:39 PM
He is scared your off with someone else. That's his insecurity playing tricks on his mind.