Is it an affair if you don't have sexual intercourse with the other person? Does oral count? Does passionate kissing count?

I need to know!

Yes, oral counts... so does kissing.

There are emotional affairs too.

Ask your partner... see what she/he has to say. No doubt the answer will be YES! If you don't know what constitutes an affair you probably shouldn't be married at all.

Any expression of love, emotional or physical or any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is an affair.

Just dating with no sexual contact at all is still cheating, and unless you are Bill Clilnton oral is sex and is most certainly cheating.

Dear unsure...

Yes, my dear friend, it's still crossing the line. The others who have posted have said it perfect. I think you knew the answer before you asked but were looking for a way to make it a little okay in your head.

You are playing in a dangerous waters friend and you have to be very careful. Regardless, of the excuses I hear all the time, "Our relationship is on the rocks" or "We are taking a break" All those examples are just lame excuses.

You have to be extremely careful because there is a girl or a guy on the other end whose life as they know it can come apart in an instant. You could virtually be destroying a relationship or even a marriage. A broken heart is a serious and painful experience that I wish nobody had to deal with.

You can't take back what you have done but you can stop now. Walk away and find somebody, if you are the single one, who is also single. If you are not the single one, let go of that relationship for the sake of the one you are suppose to be committed too.

Please hear me and understand this only ends with somebody getting deeply hurt.

Yes, to both of your questions.

"Is it an affair if you don't have sexual intercourse with the other person? Does oral count? Does passionate kissing count? I need to know!"

May I inquire, why?

Yes!!

If you have to ask why, that scares me and the best advice I can give you, is it's time to see a doctor.

A Doctor?! I didn't sleep with him, I kissed him! My marriage is on the rocks which doesn't make it an excuse for what I did, but I did and the extra relationship is OVER now! Just hoping that someone here will give me some advice on how to break the news to my husband or if I shouldn't.

"My marriage is on the rocks...." You are going to tell your paramour about your affair with your husband? Or tell your husband about your paramour?

You would tell your husband about your paramour? Are you OK?

Oh goodness stop right there... I know many might disagree with me on these next few remarks, so be it. However, what is gained by you telling your husband? It's done. Most people tell there spouse because the guilt is weighing them down so hard they have to tell them. What is gained by you telling him? You think he will trust you? Do you think it will help a marriage already on the rocks? Why not try to solve the problems without adding gasoline to the fire

One of the only things that will happen by you getting this off your chest will break his heart, cause him undue pain, and make saving the marriage a hell of a lot harder.

And yes a doctor. The two of you need to start to repair what is left when and if the time comes then you tell him. However, have you not remembered advice our mothers used to give? There are some things better left unsaid.

You have to ask yourself this, what will be gained by you sharing this news?

The two of you need to start to repair what is left when and if the time comes then you tell him.This is the essence of your problem now. You need to work on those issues that have put your marriage "on the rocks." And I suspect that those issues were a problem long before your little "fling" with this other person and will remain so long after it ended if you don't address them.

Does ORAL COUNT?? /

NAw I always let girls I'm with go around and perform oral sex on guys she likes.

Honestly, you must be joking or you don't really know what oral sex consists of.

A Doctor?!?!? I didn't sleep with him, I kissed him! My marriage is on the rocks which doesn't make it an excuse for what I did, but I did and the extra realtionship is OVER now! Just hoping that someone here will give me some advice on how to break the news to my husband or if I shouldn't.

If all you did was kiss another man during a rocky point in your marriage or when you might have thought your marriage over, then I wouldn't tell him yet. I would suggest you both go to counseling to iron out the kinks in your marriage. Try reaffirming your feelings for each other and after you see which way the marriage is going, you can decide what and how much to tell him.

Yeah... some might disagree with what I say, but this is what I'D want...

If it happened once, we got in a fight... you were drunk... whatever. If it happened ONLY once, and it would NEVER happen again... I mean, not a flying chance that it will EVER happen again, then don't tell me. I don't want to know. Same thing goes for me. If I was drunk, and I made out with a girl, and it's over. It'll NEVER happen again... then I wouldn't tell my girlfriend.

Like life1973 said... what do you gain by telling? Nothing.

Now, if it will happen again, that's your problem.

Anything you can't share with your partner, is cheating.

I disagree with you. If telling the other person brings nothing but more pain, but helps slightly relieves your guilt, is not cheating. In fact the two have nothing to do with one another. In an ideal world spouses, and people in relationships, wouldn't need to keep certain things from one another but if all it does, by sharing, is cause a great deal of pain, what is gained exactly? But talaniman how is not sharing everything with a loved one considered cheating?

I'm not trying to encourage those in relationships to keep a bunch of secrets from one another but what I'm talking about is much different and most certainly not cheating!

I agree with life1973 and ISneeze. Technically it is an affair because you put your and the other guys feelings above your husbands.
I wouldn't tell him, it would only add more strain to your rocky marriage and possibly be the straw that broke the camels back. Since it didn't go any further and it is over concentrate solely on smoothing the rocks in your marriage and don't go outside your marriage for comfort. If you let it happen again with ANY body you should own up to it being a problem and telling your husband. I agree with the others that you need to work on your relationship so that it doesn't get to that point.

Glad to explain, Think about what you do, and why you do it, before you do it. Then you will find no need for secrets, or sneaking around. That simple. And if your having a problem in your relationship, you have to express those feelings and work on them. That's what its all about. If your not willing to talk and listen to each other what's the point? But then if your relationship isn't healthy in the first place, the chances for being happy and fulfilled, and loyal, is remote.

life1973happened, I disagree with you. If telling the other person brings nothing but more pain, but helps slightly relieves your guilt, is not cheating.
Then why do it in the first place? Simple, don't do what makes you feel guilty.
In fact the two have nothing to do with one another.
Why,engage in something that may lead to guilt and shame and hurt for your partner>> Explain that to me please.
In an ideal world spouses, and people in relationships, wouldn't need to keep certain things from one another but if all it does, by sharing, is cause a great deal of pain, what is gained exactly? But talaniman how is not sharing everything with a loved one considered cheating?
I don't know what type of relationship your talking about, but my marriage is built on being straight and honest with each other, what are you talking about ideal world??
I'm not trying to encourage those in relationships to keep a bunch of secrets from one another but what I'm talking about is much different and most certainly not cheating!
What are you talking about?? If you don't give a stranger head, you have nothing to be guilty of.


PS. Just using an example and not saying that's what happened, so don't get excited.

talaniman.. I'm not sure why or how our answers got intertwined but to answer your direct question I can do. You asked why there is a need for secrets in the first place. Quite simply because we are all human and each and everyone us are human. We make mistakes. My argue is simply this. If all that is gained by revealinf certain lies that all the outcome can be is pain, then it's my belief it should be kept to oneself.

I agree with you that relationships, all relationships should be like yours. However, you are the lucky and rare few. I don't think anybody on here strives or even tries to hurt another by cheating, lying, or anything else that might hurt another. But we were not built to be so perfect. This however, should not be used as an excuse at all.

In this this persons case I do not it's wrong. We don't disagree with that, it looks as if nobody does. But what is gained by sharing what she has done with the other? The relationship as she states was already on the rocks. Is if she has any chance of saving it, if that's her desire, she needs to deal with the real problem, the root of the problem. Not add to it, that part of the damage is done.

It is my belief if she shares this news, human nature, would be to focus on this problem and this other person. You are fooling yourself if you think it wouldn't be. The real problem that got them to this place will go ignored and from the day she shares this news, and the day going forward it will always come back to the fact that she was passionate with another person. All of this is human nature I firmly believe that.

Solve the root of the problem, or walk away but don't continue to go down this pass as an excuse because you and your partner are on the rocks. It does nobody any good. Look for the ideal relationship, for both of you. It obviously exists. It exists with talaniman and many other readers on here.

We agree that getting to the root problem is the best way to go, and it really complicates everything, when you heap more problems on top of problems. We as humans are far from perfect, but we try and stay out of our own way, and that takes a lot of hard work, as anyone wth good stable relationships can tell you. Those that make excuses for bad behaviour, usually pay with heavy consequences.

I agree with you that relationships, all relationships should be like yours. However, you are the lucky and rare few. I don't think anybody on here strives or even tries to hurt another by cheating, lying, or anything else that might hurt another. But we were not built to be so perfect. This however, should not be used as an excuse at all.

I use my own as an example, but my point is if you expect to be happy, then expect to do the work required, and there are many who are just that, happy, they just don't appear here for all to see. And know also, an excuse is a reason for failure, and unacceptable. By the same token, happy marriages fail all the time, for a variety of reasons so really there is no right or wrong, just personal choice.

Thank you everyone for your imput thus far! Never in my life would I have thought that I would have found myself in the situation I WAS in with the other man!

Here's more of my story... My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3 year old together. To me our marriage started failing about 2 1/2 years ago... or at least that's when I was not in denile about it. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, but loving someone isn't enough. We did counseling (3 days a week!! ) about 2 years ago for about 6 months. Didn't seem to make an improvement, but I was starting to feel a little bit better since I was getting things off my chest. I'm all for doing more counseling, however, I'm just so un-happy at this point that I would rather just walk away from it and not fight any more!! AND WE DO THAT A LOT!! At least 3 MAJOR fights a WEEK! I'm planning on leaving him after the 1st of the year just so I can see if all our relationship needs is some space. (Now, mind you... we knew each other for 3 months... KNEW EACH OTHER... prior to getting married)... I know that my marriage being on the rocks is no excuse for my behavior... to my credit though... the extra realtioship only lasted 13 days and we only meet 4 times in that time and only had "realations" twice. I cut it off because I really want to fix what I can in this marriage if I can, and if I can't then I want to walk away knowing that I did my best.
Please keep the advice coming! Thank you all for your time!

(Now, mind you... we knew each other for 3 months... KNEW EACH OTHER... prior to getting married)... I know that my marriage being on the rocks is no excuse for my behavior...

THREE months, and you got married, no wonder your having problems. You sure didn't give yourself a chance to know each other, and its still no excuse for your behaviour.

THREE months, and you got married, no wonder your having problems. You sure didn't give yourself a chance to know each other, and its still no excuse for your behaviour.

I never said it was an excuse for what I've done. It happened, it's never happened before, and I'm not planning on letting it happen again!

All4noah


What do you fight about?

all4noah


what do you fight about?

EVERYTHING! Money, House not being clean, Dinner, Daughter! Everything BIG and Small you fight about it.

So it mostly starts with criticism?

Any support or compliments?

Just to let you know - no marriage is perfect, mine certainly isn't. :(

Yes it is an affair, even conversating with the intent of cheating I think can be considered as being an affair.