My daughter has been having trouble with her 12 year old son. This trouble consists of violence, sexual abuse of a younger sibling, running away and threats of killing and or harming himself and other family members. He has just within the past three years returned to his mother after he was taken from her by her exhusband and his mother. He has been in and out of group homes since she(my daughter) has regained custody of him. He has been on ADHD meds since the age of 3. His dad returned him to my daughter when he could no longer control him and he (the child) assaulted his grandfather with a golf club.
She is at her wits end and is now looking to relinguish her parental rights.
My question is: how would she go about religishing her rights? What is involved?

Thank you, Wanda Drewery

I know your family is in a terrible situation.
It Sounds as though his father has already given up.
But what is going to happen to that child if everyone gives up on him?
I hope someone comes along that can offer you some good advice. By my responding puts your question at the top.

Why wasn't this child prosecuted for all the apparent assaults?

This is not a question of parental rights, this is a concern for family safety and the youth's own safety.

Please seek medical assistance and possible long term commitment to a medical facility equipped to handle both suicidal and violent patients. Why wait for another Va. Tech or Columbine situation. Get this youth the needed help as soon as possible.

Has this child ever been to any type of therapy? What are his living conditions and why has he not been taken care of? Sounds like someone did not do their job to the best of their ability. I agree with Don above me, he has hit it right on the nail. This child needs something FAST! Almost twelve years if you ask me!

Wanda, this has really been weighing on me for the last hour. I can't seem to say anything but this boy needs some love and attention... FIRST and FOREMOST some therapy and so do the parents. Please help them help him. Or there will be nothing left for this child, he will be place in the most awful places, I know this to be true! He will be placed with boys that do these same things, they grow up and become hearless, abusive, and many many other bad things! Not to say every one of those boys end up bad, just most of them. Your daughter has a responsibility here, just because it is a hard job doesn't mean she gets to give up. What is she willing to do to help him? Why has he ended up so violent and hard to handle? I guess that would be where the problem lies. I just can't stand to hear of a parent giving up! It breaks my heart, just breaks my heart!

For the one above me about the child needing love and attention, he has gotten more than enough, I know this because I am his mother. He has been to therapist he has in home counseling, those counselors are puzzled as well, yes I mentioned relinguishing my rights. But that was just mentioning, I took him out of a terrible situation where they were more than happy to be rid of him. Everyone he has ever known since I regained custody of him have just up and left him. My family and I have been very supportive of his past life. It was one I would not wish on anyone, but his behaviors are getting out of hand and there is nothing more anyone can do to help him because he is not willing to help himself. I hope this helps clear up your confusion:)

And about the charges to donf... they were droppped because he was committed before the court date. But he now has new charges

Ok amber, first I am glad you are keeping with him. I would hate to see a child abandon... I wonder still what started all of these behaviors? Why would you have to take him out of a situation? Why was he there? I mean if you look at all of the things he is going through, back and forth, people not wanting him. I think the problem has to start with the people handling him... I am sorry to say but you need to go to counceling to figure out how to handle him... He is almost old enough to leave for good and make really bad choices for himself. Therapy could start you on a way to help him! I hope this helped...

Startover, the in home counselor is a family counselor, I have 3 of them tag teaming the situation. They work with me and with my other children in how to handle the behaviors and how to help my other children cope. I appreciate your efforts, but until you have actually lived w/ a child suffering from so called ADHD O.D.D bipolar OCD and has been put on every med known to the psychiatric profession since he was three and had a grandmother that kept him on codiene so she didn't have to deal with him. They stole a perfectly healthy happy little boy from me, DSS said they were better suited, because I left my abusive husband to stay with my father and trying to work 2 jobs, but since I lived with my father I was not a stable parent go figure. For 6 yrs he was bounced from one family member to the other has never known stability and when I try to offer stability he has no clue how to handle it.:(

Amber, startover is not attacking you. No one is. She is only trying to help you, if I am not mistaken she has experience with children as she is a foster mother.
I understand that you are upset but your tone is a little harsh.

Contact Family and Children services in your state , or what they are called in your state. Discuss this problem with them.
At some points, we are not able to care for some social and medical issues if there is a serious safety issues

Bush and Chuck ty for your responses... Bush if it sounded harsh it wasn't meant to be. And if taken that way I apologize... Chuck we tried that he ran away last Thursday and the officer tried to get family and child services involved and would you believe there was nothing they could do because he was medicated... he even asked the officer if he could give him something to punch and in front of the officer he was showing physical aggression. And they officer expressed this to family services and there was still nothing they could do unless he actually hurt himself or someone else. I don't understand why they have to wait until it gets to that point

Amber, for the record, you have big concerns so I do understand you being straight forward. It's all good. Anyway, I am just wondering if there is someone who maybe he thinks is "cool" that you could talk into having a word with him? An uncle or someone to talk to (even if you don't like the person) I know this to be helpful. I am just trying to feel this boy out, how he feels...
If the state and therapists aren't helping, I just can't think of other ways, except for "homemade" ways to help. So talking to someone who is "cool" with you coaching of course may help. A sport, a hobby, something that gives him pride, makes him feel important or something that makes him feel needed, for goodness sakes just asking him to cook dinner may be a burden but maybe just what he needs. I didn't notice if he was the oldest one or not, I am thinking he is, I know that carries a lot for a boy! Maybe some control where he hasn't had it before, put HIM in charge, even if it means he gets to tell his sibling who get's shotgun can mean a lot sometimes. I am just trying to think of things that my boys think are important and I don't realize it till I do it. Awwww Amber, I can tell you want it to be OK, I wish the best for you and your son, it takes a lot out of you to "deal" with these issues, I understand. We haven't had to deal with these types of issues, I could only imagine what it can do to you and the family around him. Keep your chin up and try some POSITIVE stuff, make him think he is in control, he is almost a man and that makes a big difference... an ego can change a lot in a young man!

Amber, my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation with my adopted daughter. She was a victim of neglect, physical abuse and sexual abuse in the first 4 years of her life. She now suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Nearly two years ago I had to place her into residential treatment. It was the most second most difficult decision I have ever had to make. The most difficult was signing her over to Children's Services in order for her to continue to receive some form of care after age 16 and to protect myself and my family this March, just days prior to her 16th birthday. I KNOW what you are going through.

It sounds to me that your son has also been abused. He loves you, but because of the way he is, when he is angry or hurt, he hates you even stronger. You and your family are in danger. Do NOT give up on trying to find the answers you need! Arrange another meeting with Children's Services and ask them to tell you what your options are with this boy. Make it very clear that you and your family are in danger! They are not just there for the 12 year old, they are there to protect your other children as well.

As with my daughter, your son's disorders and needs are quite complex. You are right, unless people have lived with a child so troubled and unpredicatable, they do not have any understanding what it is like. I personally believe that your son might be helped if he receives some form of attachment therapy. Why don't you check out RadKid.org (http://www.radkid.org/)? The website can be a valuable source of information, ideas and support and they provide information on ADHD, Asperger, ODD, Bipolar, NLD, Depression and PTSD. I truly believe your son probably suffers from most of these disorders, but even if he doesn't, the information on that site will prove to be invaluable. I remember when I first found their Support Forum (http://forums.delphiforums.com/radkid/) I thought the people had very negative outlooks. Over the years I have learned that they experience far more than most people can imagine. My daughter's case was one of the most extreme cases. It sounds like your son's is almost identical.

More than anything you need to find a support network. RadKid.org has an extensive list of resources and books that should help you learn how to do this and you can give people involved with your son this information, too. I urge you to read "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. Please, don't take any chances... as much as you love your son, you know that he is unpredictable and dangerous - he has shown it over and over again. The older he gets, the more dangerous he becomes.

If you would like other resources, or just someone to talk to who understands... please feel free to contact me. My heart goes out to you, your son and the rest of your family. The next few years are imperative!

Hugs, Didi

Amber, my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation with my adopted daughter. She was a victim of neglect, physical abuse and sexual abuse in the first 4 years of her life. She now suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Nearly two years ago I had to place her into residential treatment. It was the most second most difficult decision I have ever had to make. The most difficult was signing her over to Children's Services in order for her to continue to receive some form of care after age 16 and to protect myself and my family this March, just days prior to her 16th birthday. I KNOW what you are going through.

It sounds to me that your son has also been abused. He loves you, but because of the way he is, when he is angry or hurt, he hates you even stronger. You and your family are in danger. Do NOT give up on trying to find the answers you need! Arrange another meeting with Children's Services and ask them to tell you what your options are with this boy. Make it very clear that you and your family are in danger! They are not just there for the 12 year old, they are there to protect your other children as well.

As with my daughter, your son's disorders and needs are quite complex. You are right, unless people have lived with a child so troubled and unpredicatable, they do not have any understanding what it is like. I personally believe that your son might be helped if he receives some form of attachment therapy. Why don't you check out RadKid.org (http://www.radkid.org/)? The website can be a valuable source of information, ideas and support and they provide information on ADHD, Asperger, ODD, Bipolar, NLD, Depression and PTSD. I truly believe your son probably suffers from most of these disorders, but even if he doesn't, the information on that site will prove to be invaluable. I remember when I first found their Support Forum (http://forums.delphiforums.com/radkid/) I thought the people had very negative outlooks. Over the years I have learned that they experience far more than most people can imagine. My daughter's case was one of the most extreme cases. It sounds like your son's is almost identical.

More than anything you need to find a support network. RadKid.org has an extensive list of resources and books that should help you learn how to do this and you can give people involved with your son this information, too. I urge you to read "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. Please, don't take any chances... as much as you love your son, you know that he is unpredictable and dangerous - he has shown it over and over again. The older he gets, the more dangerous he becomes.

If you would like other resources, or just someone to talk to who understands... please feel free to contact me. My heart goes out to you, your son and the rest of your family. The next few years are imperative!

Hugs, Didi thank you so very much for the info, I will be checking into that. I am also sorry for the pain you went through with your daughter, because I to have already had to put him in out of home placements. I want so much to understand what he is going through, but at the same time it scares me to death. And the only type of repremand he responds to is physical restraints. Spanking him is a waste of time and effort, time out? Ha yea right. I know you know that feeling. I really appreciate your concern and you experience with this type of situation, best of wishes Amber:)

Good morning Amber,

Thanks for the additional history. I applaud your love of your son to stick with him through all of this misery. I still believe a long term facility may be you court of last resort, but because you are so dedicated to him I have another couple of questions.

How does your son (would you mind sending me his name?) do in a strict one to one basis with you? Is it possible for you to cut a fixed time out of your daily schedule to just sit or walk with him? Does he respond well with you? If he does, see if you can get him to open up a little about what fears are driving him. He has been outside of your life for quite a while maybe one or two of the other homes were more abusive than loving.

Something is tearing this child apart inside. It could be physical or mental. How does he respond to hugs?

Don, my son's name is KC , my son is affectionate and loves to hug. That's the confusing part. I have tried to talk to him, I have sat down to play cards with him and try to chat, and his responses are I don't know and nothing. To be perfectly honest at this point he is not responding well with anyone unless it is to talk about thinks such as finding deer ticks or a dream he had recently about kiling everyone and it was a cool dream. May have been cool to him but terrifying to me and his stepfather. KC is the oldest, and putting him in charge is not an option, because he is so unpredictable... my 4 yr old had 9 stitches to his head due to his inabilty to determine how far is too far. It was a split second thing you hear him say no my youngest hit the floor then the screams. :( KC's father is abusive he was abusive to me and KC has made claims of his dad hitting him w/ a 2x4. Anyway, thank you all for your advice and concern. And I welcome any advice I can get... that I haven't already tried that is lol.

:) This Is For Everyone That Has Offered Advice And Concern. We Have A Dr. Appt Today And I Will Be Sure To Let You All Know What His Psychiatrist Has To Say About His Behaviors. Probably Another Med Change (hope Not) But Hopefully He Can Offer A Little More Insight As Well. This Is Our Second Visit With This Dr. His Previous Dr Was A Pill Pusher And Didn't Offer Much Else. So Hopefully We'll Get A Better Response From This One. God Bless You All And Thank You Again

Amber, I am respecting you for keeping with him! On the other hand, grammmadidi is right, he is a threat and with the other kids, well, you already know so, do your best and we would love an update. If you have suggestions on what not to do (because I am fostering a 14 year old angry and hurt boy) I would appreiciate that. Good luck and lots of hug from me to you sweet!

Startover, The Only Advice That I Know To Offer Is Don't Give In, I Am Sure You Are A Loving Person And Do Your Best To Let Your Foster Child Know You Care And That You Wouldn't Hurt Him. Help Him To Channel His Anger Into Writing, It's Not A Permanent Fix , But It Did Help Kc For A Good While. And While He Is Using This Method Try To Think Of Some Other Ways To Help Him, Mix It Up If You Feel His Anger Is Getting The Best Of Him Toss Him A Foot Ball And If You Are Able Run Around The Yard With Him Playing Tag Football Or A Little Basketball, Be Silly This Will Help Him Over Come That Angry Moment Because He Is Having Fun. These Are Not Long Term Fixes Well They Weren't For Me. But Maybe He'll See You Are Trying To Help Him And Finally Not Have To Feel So Angry Or Hurt. Good Luck With Him And I Hope This Helps Hugs To You Too:)

Amber, never though I would turn it around on you huh? Hee hee. Well, he is into sports, and actually a very outstanding athlete, get's straight A's. Just the talking out and mostly just talking back no matter what, he does nothing wrong he thinks... He has so much potential and is doing better every day!
Good girl Amber, I am proud of your efforts with your son! I really am!

Ok Well With His Talking Back I Found What Worked Best For Me, Was Not To Argue Back With Him, Let Him Know Once You Are The One In Charge And The One That Gets The Last Word, If He Continues To Back Talk Send Him To Another Room Immediately If He Mumbles Under His Breath While Walking Away You Won. Because He Walked Away And Didn't Try To Fight You, Cut Him Off When He Starts Don't Give Him A Chance To Finish... it Ticked Mine Off At First But After Being Sent To His Room Enough He Got It. The Best Phrase I Used Was "i'm Done Discussing This, If You Would Like To Discuss It Farther Do So Alone" And Walk Away Yourself. Eventually He May Give Up, Some Kids Are Tough Tho. As Far As Him Thinking He Does Nothing Wrong, I Wish I Could Help There, Haven't Had To Deal W/ That One Much, But When Kc Would Try To Justify His Actions, Me Knowing He Was Wrong I Won't Have It. I Do The Same As Above Waalk Away And Leave Him Talking To Himself

Thanks Amber, I just told my husband that same thing, as a man he seems to want to fight it out till the death. LOL
He needs to know who is boss and that is what will happen from now on... to your room Jesse!

Best Of Luck To You And Your Husband And I Really Hope It Makes Things A Little Easier For You. But Yea Hubby Lol By Argueing Back You Are Handing Your Power Over To A Child. Took Me A Bit Of Time To Realize This Too

It is kind of hard not to get angry sometimes, but really it is the most imortant thing to NOT do, I agree completely! Tell us how the appointment goes. I wish you well too. And hey don't be a stranger, sounds like you may be able to help many of the people going through some of the same things, like you have with me! It sure helps to talk about it, that is for sure! Jesse go to your room... LOL

Lol you're a mess and yes you are right it does help to talk about it. Another thing i remembered from my own parent counseling... if they ask why, just point in the direction they are supposed to be going. Don't verbally respond again this gives him the power. He knows why you are sending him, he asks because he is hoping for another power struggle. Be strong cause it is hard to keep your cool... ok now for the dr appt. he upped one of his meds, said it wouldn't stop the behaviors but it "MIGHT" help with the severity of them. He has told kc he is well on his way into the system if his behaviors continue. My child found this funny:eek: he told kc if his behaviors didn't change before the court date the judge was probably going to be a little more harsh in punishment than he would if kc got it together, kc said i would if i didn't have to go back to school:eek: again. Anyway take care and if you'd like i don't know how we'd be able to email directly to one another... amber

LOL YOU'RE A MESS AND YES YOU ARE RIGHT IT DOES HELP TO TALK ABOUT IT. ANOTHER THING I REMEMBERED FROM MY OWN PARENT COUNSELING....IF THEY ASK WHY, JUST POINT IN THE DIRECTION THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING. DON'T VERBALLY RESPOND AGAIN THIS GIVES HIM THE POWER. HE KNOWS WHY YOU ARE SENDING HIM, HE ASKS BECAUSE HE IS HOPING FOR ANOTHER POWER STRUGGLE. BE STRONG CAUSE IT IS HARD TO KEEP YOUR COOL.........OK NOW FOR THE DR APPT. HE UPPED ONE OF HIS MEDS, SAID IT WOULDN'T STOP THE BEHAVIORS BUT IT "MIGHT" HELP WITH THE SEVERITY OF THEM. HE HAS TOLD KC HE IS WELL ON HIS WAY INTO THE SYSTEM IF HIS BEHAVIORS CONTINUE. MY CHILD FOUND THIS FUNNY:eek: HE TOLD KC IF HIS BEHAVIORS DIDN'T CHANGE BEFORE THE COURT DATE THE JUDGE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO BE A LITTLE MORE HARSH IN PUNISHMENT THAN HE WOULD IF KC GOT IT TOGETHER, KC SAID I WOULD IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL:eek: AGAIN. ANYWAYS TAKE CARE AND IF YOU'D LIKE I DUNNO HOW WE'D BE ABLE TO EMAIL DIRECTLY TO ONE ANOTHER....AMBER
Oh goodness, that boy. How is he when he does something wrong, is he compassionate or does he think it is just another day? I wonder about that because that is the important part here. Maybe a harsh punishment is what he needs?

Amber do you see the little blue envelope flashing upin the right hand corner of your screen? Click on it! Hee hee

Oh goodness, that boy. How is he when he does something wrong, is he compassionate or does he think it is just another day? I wonder about that because that is the important part here. Maybe a harsh punishment is what he needs?
He acts as if it's a game and when the behaviors are over he acts victimized, i guess because he didn't get away with it. Lately it's been anger. Not expressed physically but facial ya know looking like he is ready to take on the world. Then it goes to him acting like it's just another day like nothing has happened

I had a step son that was almost as bad as this boy. I tried everything and it just seemed that he was too far gone. Nothing worked and it aided in destroying my marriage. For five years I quit work because I feared leaving my step son alone with my son. I can understand the frustration amberstar is feeling. It is a terrible thing to live in a house where you fear for your children’s safety as well as your own. After a while you can't sleep or even eat with out feeling sick. Eventually you begin to feel that you might explode and lose it yourself. No one can be expected to live like this for long. I don't know what the answer is and I know you haven't took giving up on your own blood lightly. You are however obligated to keep your children safe from harm even if that is from one of your other children. I see nothing wrong in this situation to have him put in a home as long as you continue to visit him and let him know that you love him. If there were only one child involved I might see this differently but there are other children to consider.

I see, I thought that might be the case. What does the doctor say about that, because when and if he REALLY hurts someone or his self it may be too late. Are you going to wait for the court date to see what happens to him then? I guess we will need to know his punishment and then go from there, they may ask for him to be held by the state if they see fit, and truthfully, for the families sake I wonder if that will be a good thing for him?

First Of All Stonewilder I Am So Sorry To Hear About Your Marriage, That Is A Hard Situation.
Startover, I Agree With You Both About Placement Being Best Because I Am Afraid To Let My Other Children Play With Him Supervised Or Otherwise And It Makes Me Feel Terrible Because My Youngest Son Loves Kc So Much And Wants To Hang Out With Him. But The Habits And The Inappropriate Language Is Tiring To Be Honest. I Talked To His Dr Today About Me Seeing One Of The Psychiatrist , Because It's To The Point Where I Feel Tense 24/7 And If We R Anything Like Balloons Too much Pressure And Something's Popping. Lol So Hopefully They Can Get Me Some Help As Well To Be Able To Better Handle This

I had a step son that was almost as bad as this boy. I tried everything and it just seemed that he was too far gone. Nothing worked and it aided in destroying my marriage. For five years I quit work because I feared leaving my step son alone with my son. I can understand the frustration amberstar is feeling. It is a terrible thing to live in a house where you fear for your children’s safety as well as your own. After a while you can't sleep or even eat with out feeling sick. Eventually you begin to feel that you might explode and lose it yourself. No one can be expected to live like this for long. I don't know what the answer is and I know you haven't took giving up on your own blood lightly. You are however obligated to keep your children safe from harm even if that is from one of your other children. I see nothing wrong in this situation to have him put in a home as long as you continue to visit him and let him know that you love him. If there were only one child involved I might see this differently but there are other children to consider.
For some reason I never caught this till now. I have a friend and it put a huge barrier between her and her husband. I know she worked hard and was very loving, tried everything with her step son. I could see how it would furt a relationship. I agree if it means he must go, then make sure you still keep with him when you can, that could make a world of difference to him and how he takes the treatment they give him! I think you know that though Amber!;)

My daughter has been having trouble with her 12 year old son. This trouble consists of violence, sexual abuse of a younger sibling, running away and threats of killing and or harming himself and other family members. He has just within the past three years returned to his mother after he was taken from her by her exhusband and his mother. He has been in and out of group homes since she(my daughter) has regained custody of him. He has been on ADHD meds since the age of 3. His dad returned him to my daughter when he could no longer control him and he (the child) assaulted his grandfather with a golf club.
She is at her wits end and is now looking to relinguish her parental rights.
my question is: how would she go about religishing her rights? What is involved?

Thank you, Wanda Drewery
First let me ask a question, could it be that maybe the child is on the wrong medication? The reason I ask is that my son was diagnosed with what they thought was ADHD,even though I did not feel like this diganosis was correct. He was placed on ADHD medication and things went down hill from there. Turns out he is bipolar, and when you give a bipolar child ADHD medication, their symptoms actually worsen. They immediately pulled him off that medication and put him on medication for bipolar. Now it has taken some time to get the right combination, but it has worked. I would definitely look into this as a possibility.

Shile, I agree with you about the meds not being right, and the dr he was seeing before used him as her personal guinea pig it seemed like. We are seeing a new dr and he seems to know what's what. And actually his bi polar has been dimissed pretty much them saying he is not nor has he ever been bi polar. I don't know I'm not a dr and even though I live with him I still have no clue what I am talking about is the "professional" reaction I get.. . startover how are you and yours doing?

Amber, things aren't too bad, thank you for asking. Been using the go to your room thing, and Wa La! They (not just Jesse) don't like it too much in there.
I sense you are upset Amber, how is he doing and what are the doctors going to do to help now? How did his court date come out? Or is that in January? Anyway, I hope you are all right, you sound distressed in your last post! Hug, Start

HI startover, I am so glad to hear things are working out, no court date yet still waiting to hear from that. No wasn't upset I guess I need to change my wording a bit huh? I guess I get aggravated just talking about the dr's and meds. He has actually been doing well during his month long break from school, the worry I guess will begin when school starts back, he has already expressed his lack of enthusiam. We've put some tools in place with the teacher to maybe help keep him in school. Fingers crossed they will have some effect. Take care :)

Oh Amber, I sure hope it goes OK. I wonderif a secondary school would be right for him, but then again they can do more damage than good sometimes. Well, I am happy to here things have been good this month! Hugs Amber... know I am here anytime you need to ramble on with me! :)

I would like to address the medication issue. If KC suffers from RAD or another attachment disorder these kids are often diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, etc. The worst of it is, as they get older, they are more and more influenced by their surroundings, peers, and other things they see and learn. It all becomes about attention - either negative or positive. If they see kids 'cut' they will cut. If they read a book about Multiple Personality Disorders they start showing symptoms of MPD's. If they watch a movie about someone who 'hears' voices - they begin to hear them. They will self-mutilate, they will attempt suicide, they LOVE animals, but they will harm them... in fact, if they feel unloved, they will attempt to harm others. It can get worse and worse. In addition, it is generally the person/people that they love most who will suffer the most from their anger or pain.

Let me explain it this way. If a RADish does something wrong... let's say they lie or steal... and they are NOT caught... then they believe that their primary caregiver (usually) doesn't love them enough to notice! Primary caregiver is usually bending over backwards to ALLOW the child their mistakes as they don't want to be all over them for every little thing. As parents (or parent figures) we WANT them to learn from their mistakes. But, every single time they get away with ANYTHING they feel less loved. These children often appear to love and cuddle more than most kids. They love in EXCESS and, sadly, the flip side is that they HATE in excess. The opposite of love is indifference, but for these kids - it is HATRED. So, they may keep the smiling, loving public persona, but, when they aren't being watched they do things... dangerous and horrible things sometimes. They may take the pet bird out and squeeze it to death (or near death). They may trip their baby brother on the stairs, or 'accidently' leave a door open. They may help bathe, or even swim with a younger sibling and 'accidently' hold them underwater too long in play. They may offer to make mom a sandwich, drop the lunch meat on the floor, but make that sandwich anyway... and present it with love and sweetness - seeking positive reinforcement for a job well done!

Bottom line is, without treatment, or with the wrong diagnosis, these kids are DANGEROUS. If you even slightly suspect that KC may suffer from an attachment disorder you NEED an attachment specialist. Other treatments will make him worse, not help him. The children with RAD and other attachment disorders who receive traditional therapies, drug therapies and talk therapies... they become the Jeffery Dalmer's of the world. You need to know that.

I didn't listen for many years. Please, if you visited the sites I told you about you will find a checklist. In fact, you will find it here: Signs and Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder in Children and Adults (http://radkid.org/signs_and_symptoms.html). If you suspect your boy has this, PLEASE seek an attachment therapist immediately. Often these kids have complex needs. It is very easy to misdiagnose and inappropriately medicate. My adopted daughter was medicated for sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. She happens to be better without medication - as long as everyone TELLS her that.

I hope you don't feel I am over-doing it here. I just feel that if there is a possibility that KC has an attachment disorder, every day without appropriate treatment is that much closer to you losing him (and perhaps your own life or that of one of your other children's). A dear friend of mine lost her grandson, another one is raising two children from her adopted daughter who suffers from RAD, another one's adopted daughter with RAD murdered her infant grandson. None of them received the appropriate treatment while they were under the age of 18. I hope this isn't what your son's issue is, but I would feel a lot better if you would look at that page then tell me that there is no possible way he suffers from RAD.

Hugs, Didi

Didi, thank you so much for the info, I tried to respond the other day but internet was lagging lol. I finally have a minute to sit down so I am going to research the RAD hopefully that's not the issue but if so at least we know which way to go. Thank you again and hope you had a happy new yr. just finished reading a good bit about RAD. And 8/10 symptoms fit, I am not going to jump to conclusions yet but it's just eerie to see his description sitting there more so than on a bi polar or adhd page. Thank you for are this and I will be talking to his counselors and his dr Monday I have printed this out so I am going to show it to them and get their input. It's possible the dr will probably blow it off, but I know my child a lot better than a doctor. Take care,A

Wow Amber! I have one small thing to say, don't ever let a doctor just blow you off. Your instincts should always come into play when it comes to a decision for your child, us as parents know our kids well. Hugs and lot's of luck!

If the doctor blows it off... find another doctor. Plain maybe, simple... not always... Necessary, yes.

While I have no experience with children like yours, and I am sorry you are having such a terrible time, I will give you an example of why finding another doctor, one who will listen to you as a mother, is so important.

A friend of mine has a daughter with ADHD, she was put on a new medication, actually the medication is an old one that was used for high blood pressure, but is now being used for ADHD. Well, Sara (9), the daughter, started taking the meds... she became tired weak and lethargic. She began sleeping 12 hours a day and that gradually increased to 23 hours a day. Yes, she was only awake one hour a day. Her beautiful auburn hair began to turn gray.

The doctors tested her for anemia, then mono... eventually they began testing for leukemia. The mother stated all along that she thought it was the medication, but her ideas were refuted by the doctors as this medication carries very little if any side effects.

This went on for almost 8 months. Mother eventually did her own research via myself and the internet. She found another doctor at a local children's hospital, took the info that she had collected on the medication and Sara was immediately taken off the med as her blood levels showed that she was near death. Within 24 hours Sara was a healthy vibrant child of 9, acting like every other 9 year old girl and fighting to go to bed, when it was just days before she fought to stay awake.

As a mother you do have the best instincts and you should find a doctor who will listen to your instincts.

I don't know if you have contacted your local chapter of NAMI, but they may be able to help you find someone who is right for you and your son.

NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness-The Nation's Voice on Mental Illness-Formerly National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (http://www.nami.org/)

Good luck to you, my prays are with you and your family. Just please don't ever give up on your son.

Hey Guys, I Had A Short Meeting With Kc's Mst Counselor Yesterday I Gave Her The Info On Rad And She Was Stunned To See Kc Looking Back At Her From These Pages. She Agrees With Me That He Needs Further Evaluation And More Extensive. She Is Going To Help Me Set That Up. Thank You All For Your Support, And Lolwe Already Switched Dr's Because Last One Was A Pill Pusher. Maybe This Dr Will Listen But I Have A Strong Feeling He Won't. On A Brighter Side Kc Started Back To School Yesterday Had A Really Good Day Mostly High Marks On His Point Sheet. I Know It's The Honeymoon Phase But I Am Going To Enjoy It As Long As I Can. Take Care All

Grrreat Amber, really I hope you, KC, and the doctors get down to the bottom of this. Enjoy the great behavior, and lots a hugs to you and your family!

Im so happy for you all, good luck to you and please keep us posted. Im sure that something good will come out of all of this. Things will get better, and there is light at the end of the tunnel...

Amber, I am glad to hear that you are getting some support from KC's counselor. I hope that you will not satisfy for anything less than a referral to an Attachment Therapist... someone who has specific experience and knowledge with attachment disorders. I cannot stress this enough.

Please keep us posted. If you need any support or information from me on RAD or Attachment issues, I will be around. Please read the book I recommended. It's very inexpensive and will give you lots of very easy things to work on until you get what KC needs if he does suffer from an AD. You might be able to buy it second hand, too.

I think you are a real good mom, Amber. It's great that you are willing to learn and consider things out of the norm and it feels like you really have a good understanding of kids with emotional problems.

Hugs, Didi

Hi guys, here we go again, his behaviors at home are not so bad, just back talking a bit. But as of Tuesday he has been suspended from school, because he didn't like what as for lunch he decided to terrorize the school again, I have no idea as to how to handle this anymore. We have tried extra chores we have tried talking(HA) spanking isn't an option anymore because he fights too much and I wind up getting hurt in the process... litterally this will hurt me more than you). For the next couple of days he WILL be missing lunch food seems to be the only thing he responds to anymore. There are no more toys to take away. Advice on this one would be ever so appreciated and needed. He is at home until Friday. Lord give me strength! :|... oh and the dr said RAD is possible he has actually studied in that field but he also says that there is adhd and bipolar and the RAD may be underlying somewhere. He didn't seem like he was wanting to investigate further.

Amber, sorry sweet heart. I am feeling for you and him right now. I know its hard for you, and I could only imagine how confusing and upset he is for doing all of these things.
Have you thought about grammadidi's thoughts on attatchment therapist? I wonder if it may be time to switch gears all together and start over...
Jesse will have nothing to do with the state, he has been let down way too many tinmes to be able to trust that they do any good. So, maybe you just need to take another aproach... a different type of doctor and see how that goes. That is what we are doing, we are taking him to someone who will listen to him and not just sit and test him as being just another foster kid. Anyway, my heart is going out to you and the family. Much love and lots a hugs sweet!

Amber, please... try to get the book "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. It is VERY short, incredibly insightful and will help you to understand what works and what doesn't work as well as why this is so. These kids need different kinds of responses to situations. Talking, doing extra chores, even spanking will FEED into this disorder and potentially put you in more danger. It is available at Amazon (click here (http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-Enough-Parenting/dp/0970352549/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200804032&sr=8-1)), and I am sure your local bookstore would order it in. You will see that the techniques used in the book are also extremely successful for children with Attachment Disorder, ADD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder and even Tourette's Syndrome. For less than $20.00 I feel it will change your life.

I believe I said before that it is very common for these kids to get lost in different diagnosis; the most common ones are ADHD and Bipolar. RAD is complex, and the older your son gets, the less likely you are to be able to help him. I cannot stress this enough... please listen: you NEED to find an attachment therapist or one who is VERY familiar with attachment disorders ASAP! The chances of you helping your son decrease as he gets older. Your boy is right on the edge. It will not be impossible to help him, but the success rate is very low in teens. I tell you this NOT to scare or discourage you, but so that you understand how very important it is to get him the proper treatment NOW.

I would suggest that you call your doctor and tell him that you want a referral to an Attachment Therapist as soon as possible for an assessment. Stress that you do not want just anyone, but someone who is very familiar with RAD and other Attachment Disorders. I'm glad your doctor claims to be familiar with RAD, but it doesn't really sound like he KNOWS much about it. Sorry, but that's the way I feel based upon first-hand experience. Many people who were involved with my daughter claimed to know what RAD was and how to treat it. They didn't. Push for what your son is entitled to - quality treatment. Also, remember - and don't be afraid to prod the doctor with this - IF your son has RAD his siblings AND you are in danger. This danger increases as your son gets older, and even more-so if he is also bipolar. Here is a good page from an excellent site about Finding an Attachment Therapist (http://www.radkid.org/therapist.html). You could even print it and give it to your doctor as well as your son's therapist. Ask your son's therapist to help you find someone, too! The man that created this site literally saved my life.

It is my thought that your son probably intended to be suspended because he wanted to be at home with you. If you feel that fits, then I can help you find some documentation to take to the school. If someone from Student Services (or whatever you have there) is willing to read it and speak with the teachers involved with your son, they will be more aware of the situation and will find more suitable ways to deal with these types of situations that will be in his best interests. Every time he acts out at school and 'wins' by being suspended – he actually loses. Oh, there is soooo much I could tell you about all of this! J

If you have anything that you need help or information with in this regard, please ask!

Hugs, Didi

Hey Amber, you have been running through my thoughts, and I would love to hear how you are and how the family is doing! Hope to hear from you soon sweet! Hugs!

I don't know if you've heard this before and sorry if I'm repeating something someone has told you a million times already
But his diet may have something to do with his behaviour
As in how much sugar he takes in, his body might be on overload because he can't handle as much as other people
So maybe steer clear of lollies, cordial, sweet things and give him fresh fruit, veges and a balanced diet

Good luck and I'm sure if you stick by him like you have been you'll pull through

i dont know if you've heard this before and sorry if im repeating something someone has told you a million times already
but his diet may have something to do with his behaviour
as in how much sugar he takes in, his body might be on overload because he can't handle as much as other people
so maybe steer clear of lollies, cordial, sweet things and give him fresh fruit, veges and a balanced diet

good luck and im sure if you stick by him like you have been you'll pull through

I'm sorry, but I think your answer is a bit 'off'. I am a huge proponent of altering diet to alter behaviour - specifically the Feingold Diet. However, I don't think that diet creates the issues seen here. This young lad has sexually abused a sibling, is violent and abusive to adults and talks of self-harm. In addition, the behaviours began when he was quite young. This is much more complicated than a diet issue, however, taking him off food colouring and food additives would be a great start.

Hugs, Didi

When my nephew was around 9 years of age, he became ill with some sort of neurological disorder -- symptoms similar to ADHD and Tourettes Syndrome. My sister and her husband immediately sought medical attention, and he was seen by several top psychiatric specialists, who put him on a myriad of strong drugs (I'm sorry, I can't remember what they were now). Soon, his symptoms worsened. This otherwise sweet little boy soon became violent, started running away from home (sometimes in the middle of winter without shoes). His behaviour became increasing more bizarre, perplexing and scarey. This went on for about a year. The doctors were unable to adequately diagnose what was wrong with him. After what seemed like an enternity, my sister made a decision to ween him off all medication completely, without the doctors approval. She later learned that she could have been arrested and jailed for taking her son off his prescriptions without the doctor's approval. At any rate, after several weeks without all of the medication in his system, his behaviour started to turn around. Gradually, all symptoms subsided, and he turned back into the sweet boy she loved and knew before the initial onset of whatever it was that was wrong with him in the first place. All prior symptoms disappeared.

We, the family, believe that he may have had some sort of transient neurological issue, which became exaserbated by the use of heavy duty anit-psychotic drugs that he was prescribed. Probably, if left alone, his initial, pre-medication symptoms would have resolved on their own. The medications probably made his symptoms worse, instead of better. The brain is a highly complex organ. I believe that doctors are over-prescribing drugs, particularly to young, growing brains. This is our family story. I hope something in it may help you.

Good luck to you and your familyl. God Bless.

Hey guys sorry been out of the loop for a while. Update... KC still aggitated at school, we recently moved and the school he was going to refused to let hi finish the yr due to his behaviors. So I am thinking this is a good thing new surroundings new people Kc has a clean slate. Boy was I wrong worse than ever here at this school. I started working and have had to leave my job 4 times because of his behaviors. We held a meeting last Friday... one part of the meeting members I guess you could call them agreed KC should be in a regular class w/out the title... 6 months ago I would have agreed. I do not feel he will be successful in these classes. He gets out of control when someone asks him to do something he does not want to do and feels that is his best option for getting out of it. This has become such an issue w/ the new school. They have made a seclusion room just for him, instead of calling me out to the school all the time they will put him in there until he is calm and 10-15 minutes after he calms down... unless it takes them longer to get him there due to him refusing or fighting. In that instance he will be in there after he calms down for as long as it took them to get him in there. Thank you all for your continued support and advice.

Amber, I wonder about you all the time! Thanks for coming back to let us know, so what is your next step going to be and have you gotten a bath tub or a latte lately? Have you done anything to let yourself unwind a little to let some of the stress go. This is not only about your son, but there are many more people that have to deal with this, other kids, his dad, grand parents and friends and other family. I wonder if there is just a step above that you can take. I really don't know what that may be, but I am willing to help you out in any way possible to get at least a little back on track. :)
I do know though that there were a few pieces of advice while you were gone and I wonder if you have thought about any of them...