My girlfriend (of a bit more then 7 consistent years) broke up with me on the drive home on Halloween saying that she just needed some space to be on her own and grow (she is 21 and I'm 22. (started at 13 and 15))

I broke down that night and became a complete puss... even threw up. We were both crying like crazy. She told me after I asked "whats wrong" for like 5 min. straight. I thought she was having a problem at home (we both live with our parents since we are students)... but was surprissed to hear this... she said she really didn't want to tell me.

She then left on a "last minute" trip to Halloween Horror nights with her brother, and female cousin.

We didn't talk till she came back on Sat. morning. I let her contact me... at which point I asked her to meet me for dinner "just as friends." I figured the best approach was to figure what she's thinking and be the "cool cat/guy" and leave emotions to the side. I picked her up and headed to the restaurant. We talked and I remanised on older times (about the times that were special and times that we made love/were/how/etc.) We had a great night and even kissed (although not a full on makeout, but rather a few soft kisses) a few times and again when I walked her to the door.

That night we agree:

That we both need room to grow and some space is pretty good... heck we've never known anything but each other... so some new found freedom is nice. We both agreed that this isn't a "lets go on the prowl thing" but neither is it a sure thing between us... although neither of us really are ready/want to start dating, but rather have some alone time. We both admit that we love each other and are still attracted to each other. We even talked about maybee taking a cruise together sometime.

That night was great. Felt like an AMAZING first date for both of us.

We didn't see each other on Sun. but I didn't contact her either. She text'd me during the day and I answered her back an hour or so after each text... like she'd ask "Hows your day going" and I wrote back, "I'm at the Colts/Pats game party" and she was home doing laundry, etc. etc.. We then talked at night cause my phone ran out of battery and I called when I got home (dumb, I know... but I wanted to ask for another date... something sweet and short), and I asked her if she wanted to go the mall with me to look for some new cloths (I'm not much into that... but I knew she is... )... She says that she'd love to come and wanted to get something for my mom as well (Her brithday was Nov. 2nd... so a late gift, but a gift). I ended up catching a cold from being out all and all the "not eating" that I'd been doing.


We don't talk all day Monday till I pick her up at 7:30pm (and I call at 7 to make sure we are still on). This date didn't go so well. I told her I had a surprise for her and that I'd be telling her tonight... so she asked me... and rite off the bat I asked her if she wanted to go on the cruise that I'm going on at the end of the month to the Bahamas. She seemed excited, but kind of put off when she kind of came to her senses and realised that we were just friends... so a trip alone with me... although sounded good to her, she just said that she wasn't sure.

So that put me into a "rejected/needy" kind of mood, and I already felt bad because of my cold... so I bought a colgn that I and she really liked (wore it on the dinner and she really liked it)... but when I asked her for a kiss she kind of felt uncomfortable again (I know, don't ask... take. But I was really feeling uncomfortable)

So, I said, it... I don't wan a fuking shirt! Lets go to Starbucks and get a coffee.

While we sit down and talk... things are getting REALLY nice again (kinda like on Sat.)... but I'm starting to get mushy again (like I did early in the night)... so I cut it short and say lets go. We then walk across the mall (its closing) to another bench, and sit and talk... its going really well... I got my composure again. And then we leave. In the car she asks me if I've gotten something to eat... and I said (just to go against her a bit)... I'm not hungry? Want to catch a movie? (DUMB. I should have kept it short... but we seem to be flowing again... I can't shake this "rejected" feel... although we've kissed a few times since then.) She agree's though and says "yea... if its not to late for you, I'd like to go too! I'll pay my own way though..." and I give her the "don't be stupid, I got you" speech. I know... I'm dumb.

So... we head to the movies and I just can't shake that feel... although I give the "cocky and funny" guy that she feel in love with. She looks at me like she wants to kiss me and I kiss her. It's a nice kiss... and I ask her "If you like kissing me so much, why don't you kiss me? You know you can't help yourself." She says that it just feels strange cause we are friends now (and she doesn't feel OK kissing someone who's not her b/f), but at the same time she/we still have those feelings... but need time to grow.

So we get our movie tickets... 30 days of Night. (Save your money... sucked big!) We start to talk again while we wait (1 hour) and talk about old times and making love and how great we both are at pleasing each other. Going great again. I bring up the cruise again, and tell her to think about it and let me know. She says she will... and I say... "You'll see.... by the end of the week you'll be begging me to take you... and cause your soo hot. I'll think about it. :D " Cocky and funny again. She likes it, and we laugh...

We get into the theater and we're the only one there... we cuddle and hold our faces close and keep talking. BUT ITS FREEZING and neither of us can stop shivering... Some other people show up and sit RIGHT behind us. The movie is a bit gross... and I'm feeling worse and worse (cold, and I haven't eaten yet... and its now 11pm)... we cuddle though and feel comfortable with each other.

By the time we leave, I feel like passing out and nausious. So... we get to the car, and I turn on the heater. I feel like... so she gets worried about me. I get to her house, and when I'm walking around to get her door... I can't help it... I feel like throwing up, gag a few times, but don't. By this time though she's by my side of the car and I can't stand right. So, I walk her to the door... we hug and she kisses me on the cheek and tells me to call when I get home. I call when I'm home, and say "sorry for the ty night" and she says "its ok, I know not every night can be perfect." I then get all "pussified" and notice this so... I get my "act together" and then say... hey, what the hell. We are both still getting used to this. We talk and have some fun, then she tells me that she loves me and I say goodnight.


I'm a bit lost. I know I need my time to grow... and so does she... but I love her and really want us to slowly get back together. I felt like I was in control after Sat. night's dinner (kinda like... we'll get together again when we BOTH feel it's a good idea)... but I felt like I lost control tonight. (<---- basically like a "please take me back")

So today she sends me some "Have faith" "God bless you in your hard times" emails... and we've been writing back and forth all day.

I don't know if I should go for the "No contact" or keep being friends and slowly get back together. I want the relationship back, but just for a more relaxed one.


I'm a bit lost... can you help me out?

Thanks,

Jorgy

Jorgy, that was a great post and you know what I think. Just let it be. You two have been together so long, and so intense. This girl knows what she is doing and I think you should just trust her judgment. It will come back more relaxed and more real then you could ever believe for the both of you. Just stay in touch, don't pressure her for sure. Good luck.

Sorry about the length... but I figured I had to really explain since not all situations are the same... LOL

Anybody else?. BUMP

This is very hard for both of you and she has shown you what she's made of. She is thinking of you as much as herself. Remember the 2 of you lost (ain't coming back) a big chunk of 7 critical years which we all need in order to go the distance. She now wants the 2 of you to try and pick-up some of that experience and that includes all the little things you may not be aware of.

You were right for each other and at this time in your lives the pole is being raised thanks to her and you'll both gain from that. Be smart and accept the challenge and all that goes with it. You will thank her.

But how should I deal with this? What is best for my personal growth and for our relationship?

Friends with contact, when she calls, a little contact once or twice a week initiated by her only (ex. I don't pick up all the time), or no contact?


Thanks,


Jorgy

Bump

I feel for you buddy. Its hard but in time it will get better. If you want to read my first post you will see that I am living proof that it does get better. But it takes time and a lot of effort. You should now try as best you can to move on and leave her alone.
I bet you won't be bale to but the moment you realise its over and isn't ever going to be again the better you'll get.

No contact. Move on! Its hard but all you have now.

She isn't coming back so don't think anything you can say or do will bring her back!

I don't get what you mean... what first post?

I don't get what you mean.... what first post?

My first question here explains my situation. My ex girlfriend left me after 7 years. Its tough but I got over it. You will too!

I looked, but your first question has to do with the afterlife/next life.

Not sure where you got that from but here is the link below. Ive never asked a question about after life that's for sure.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/hurting-25359.html

God... I hope that's not the case for me. They seem to feel the same way. Mine says she loves me though.


I guess I just have to keep living my life and have no contact with her... but I feel that if we go out and "Date" for a while that we can rekindle that spark.


GOD... now I'm really confused and scared. I didn't think I was going to lose her before. :(

Men are kind of thick sometimes and this is what's happening now. She wants that first flush back and is trying to achieve what she won't get but she will figure it out too. Here is what you do. Any good relationship is a lot of work from both parties, so I would have no physical contact with her unless she wants it. Sure phone her, communicate with her, send her a card once in a while, flowers, get what I mean, e mail her. But don't ever beg.

This doesn't have to happen tomorrow, it can happen next month, you two have all the time in the world so have patience and just do what she wants.

Tickle,

What do you mean by "that first flush back and is trying to achieve what she wont get.....?"

Yes, I am very very thick. I haven't begged her since halloween when she first told me. Since then I've kept my composure.

Jorgy, by 'that first flush' I mean how it felt when she actually started dating you, seeing you for the first time, the discovery, excitement the elation of just being with someone who understood the feelings.

And you don't think that I should give her this?

Or... should I give her this after some "apart time"


I kind of felt that too after the date on Sat.

BUMP...

Please guys... I'm soooo confused. I'm going crazy in my own head!

Bump

We have said all we can jorgy, I don't think anyone can add any more, you just have to be on your own now and sort it out in your head and don't give up, okay.

ms. tickle

Part 1 of 2


My girlfriend (of a bit more then 7 consistant years) broke up with me on the drive home on Halloween saying that she just needed some space to be on her own and grow (she is 21 and I'm 22. (started at 13 and 15))

Jorgy welcome to AMHD.com. The good news is you’ve found one of the very best sites on the internet for help in these issues. The bad news is your in a tough spot because as much as I hate that line about needing to be on your own and growing, the reality is she is right on this issue. All she has known her adult life is you and that probably has not allowed her to grow into the person she wants to be. I’m not suggesting that you would prevent that from happening but what you have to understand is, that as people get older they change and grow (my word not hers) into different people. I think she is starting to come to this realization, especially now that she’s reached the 21st birthday which is somewhat of a milestone in that while your legal at 18 you can truly do all adult activities at 21 and begin to experience new places, things, people and live free from someone else’s shadow. At 21 years of age she has lived under her parents and your surroundings. It’s all she knows and she wants to see what else is out there.


I broke down that night and became a complete puss... even threw up.

I will defend you against yourself or anybody else that says you were a complete puss after being dumped after 7 years with the only person you had ever loved. Breaking down does not make you a puss or anything else. If anyone says otherwise they are full of sh*t.

Now that being said, I know your young so please learn this now, I’ll tell any guy to cry but never do it in front of her. The biggest piece of BS that we hear all our lives is “I want a man that is not afraid to cry” and it’s such a lie. Women hold that against you and they begin to think of you as weak.

Never break down in front of a woman, because the next thing you know is she will pull out her emotional crap and start crying herself to make you feel even worse.


We were both crying like crazy.


Like that.


She told me after I asked "whats wrong" for like 5 min. straight. I thought she was having a problem at home (we both live with our parents since we are students)... but was surprissed to hear this... she said she really didn't want to tell me.

She then left on a "last minute" trip to Halloween Horror nights with her brother, and female cousin.

I’m glad you said it was last minute in quotes because I think you and I both know it was designed that way to provide her with a means of escape. That tells you right there this was predetermined, which after 7 years it would be. But she calculated this move to provide herself with an out and a distraction while you suffered.


We didn't talk till she came back on Sat. morning. I let her contact me...

Smart.


at which point I asked her to meet me for dinner "just as friends." I figured the best approach was to figure what she's thinking and be the "cool cat/guy" and leave emotions to the side.

While I agree with you that is the best approach you had a problem with it. You were in a highly emotional state so no matter how much you think your acting like a cool guy a woman with her natural ability to read and understand emotions would pick right up on that.



I picked her up and headed to the restaurant. We talked and I remanised on older times (about the times that were special and times that we made love/were/how/etc.)

This is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re acting emotional and bringing up emotional times. That’s not acting cool. In fact it plays right into her because a women will turn those emotions right back on you to her advantage.


We had a great night and even kissed (although not a full on makeout, but rather a few soft kisses) a few times and again when I walked her to the door.

That night we agree:

that we both need room to grow and some space is pretty good... heck we've never known anything but eachother... so some new found freedom is nice. We both agreed that this isn't a "lets go on the prowl thing" but neither is it a sure thing between us... although neither of us really are ready/want to start dating, but rather have some alone time. We both admit that we love each other and are still attracted to each other. We even talked about maybee taking a cruise together sometime.

I disagree with everything you two agreed on. You agreed to it because you had no other options. She agreed to it because it played out perfectly as she could set you up to use you as a back up plan in case something else didn’t work out. You are always available and apparently willing to take her on a cruise despite what she’s done. You showed her no emotional strength and that is what women will judge you on the most. They understand, use, and manipulate emotions better then you or I can both understand. Yet what you are either to inexperienced or blinded to see is she played your desire for her love to her by making you available at a moments notice while she does what she wants.


That night was great. Felt like an AMAZING first date for both of us.

For you. It felt like an AMAZING first date for you. For her it felt like she had just dumped a guy after 7 years and then got asked out and given a free meal as a reward for her behavior.

Part 2 of 2



We didn't see each other on Sun. but I didn't contact her either. She text'd me during the day and I answered her back an hour or so after each text... like she'd ask "Hows your day going" and I wrote back, "I'm at the Colts/Pats game party" and she was home doing laundry, etc. etc.. We then talked at night cause my phone ran outta battery and I called when I got home (dumb, I know... but I wanted to ask for another date... something sweet and short),

Yes calling her is dumb and so is asking her out. Again. She dumped you and said she wanted to grow. You've got to hold her to that. You have to back off. I'd recommend quit contacting her altogether. But if you are not going to then BACK OFF and let her call you and ask you out. You are already coming off as needy…not in a desperate way but in a way that says you can't stand on your own two feet. A woman looks for a strong man, and if she can manipulate you like this you are not coming off as strong to her.


and I asked her if she wanted to go the the mall with me to look for some new cloths (I'm not much into that... but I knew she is...)...

So now you have been dumped, you have called her back, you have agreed to see other people, you have taken her to dinner, and now you want to go shopping. You know what you are? You're a friend. That's what she does with all her girlfriends. She's looking for a man, and if you don't like going to the mall….a fact she surely must know after 7 years then all of sudden you are picking out mini skirts or shoes (or whatever the hell women do at the mall….I don't like going there either) you are acting just like the girls act. That's not a place you want to be in. You have to back off and do what you want.


She says that she'd love to come and wanted to get something for my mom as well (Her brithday was Nov. 2nd... so a late gift, but a gift). I ended up catching a cold from being out all and all the "not eating" that I'd been doing.


We don't talk all day Monday till I pick her up at 7:30pm (and I call at 7 to make sure we are still on).

You made the call. I'm noticing a pattern of behavior from both of you, are you seeing it yet?


This date didn't go so well. I told her I had a surprise for her and that I'd be telling her tonight... so she asked me... and rite off the bat I asked her if she wanted to go on the cruise that I'm going on at the end of the month to the Bahamas.

DESPERATION! This is total desperation.

Dude, I'm not knocking you because this is all new to you and it sucks, trust me I've felt the sting and pain you dealing with. But you have to STOP all contact right now. You are acting out and doing desperate things to try and get her to come around and all your doing is pushing her further away.


She seemed excited, but kinda put off when she kinda came to her senses and realised that we were just friends... so a trip alone with me... although sounded good to her, she just said that she wasn't sure.

Oh she was sure. She was also right. You are just friends. She has made that clear and in fact it was you that didn't want to accept it or maybe didn't know how to accept it after all this time with her.

What you have to understand about women who break up with guys after long break ups is they don't just decide to do it. They emotionally let themselves down out of the relationship and they might start a several months to a year before they end the relationship. Men have very little understanding of emotions and when we are finally told what is happening we begin to act out emotionally thinking that we will connect with them on that level. If we start providing more that will lead to happiness which will lead to her coming back is the mind set of most men in your position. The reality is a woman sees it as weak and it turns her off.


So that put me into a "rejected/needy" kinda mood, and I already felt bad because of my cold... so I bought a colgn that I and she really liked (wore it on the dinner and she really liked it)...

In all of this I have yet to see you say one thing you've done for yourself. She dumped you. From the moment you hear those words that it's over that means you do jack for her. Nothing. Not one thing. Instead you are doing this backwards. You are doing everything for her and it's only driving her further away and MOST IMPORTANT making you feel like crap. Screw her. It's time to work on yourself. It's time to put you in the most important position. You need to start exercising, making short term goals and working on them, and creating few new hobbies.


but when I asked her for a kiss she kinda felt uncomfortable again (I know, don't ask... take. But I was really feeling uncomfortable)

So, I said, it.... I don't wan a fuking shirt! Lets go to Starbucks and get a coffee.

While we sit down and talk... things are getting REALLY nice again (kinda like on Sat.)... but I'm starting to get mushy again (like I did early in the night)... so I cut it short and say lets go. We then walk across the mall (its closing) to another bench, and sit and talk... its going really well... I got my composure again. And then we leave. In the car she asks me if I've gotten something to eat... and I said (just to go against her a bit)... I'm not hungry?

Finally! It's small but as you said it went against her.


Wanna catch a movie? (DUMB. I should have kept it short... but we seem to be flowing again... I can't shake this "rejected" feel... although we've kissed a few times since then.) She agree's though and says "yea... if its not to late for you, I'd like to go too! I'll pay my own way though..." and I give her the "don't be stupid, I got you" speech. I know... I'm dumb.

You are not dumb. You're in pain. The pain is causing you to act in ways that are not in your best interests. But when she says she's paying her own way that is a HUGE message to you. She's telling you that wants more space even if you are hanging out.


So... we head to the movies and I just can't shake that feel... although I give the "cocky and funny" guy that she feel in love with. She looks at me like she wants to kiss me and I kiss her. Its a nice kiss... and I ask her "If you like kissing me so much, why don't you kiss me? You know you can't help yourself." She says that it just feels strange cause we are friends now (and she doesn't feel OK kissing someone who's not her b/f), but at the same time she/we still have those feelings.... but need time to grow.

Let me decode this. She is really saying “Jorgy, I see you as a friend and I have no feelings for you but I feel somewhat responsible for this and I didn't think you would have as hard a time with this break up so I'm going to help you the best that I can.”


So we get our movie tickets.... 30 days of Night. (Save your money.... sucked big!) We start to talk again while we wait (1 hour) and talk about old times and making love and how great we both are at pleasing each other. Going great again. I bring up the cruise again, and tell her to think about it and let me know. She says she will.... and I say... "You'll see.... by the end of the week you'll be begging me to take you... and cause your soo hot. I'll think about it. :D " Cocky and funny again. She likes it, and we laugh...

While cocky and funny has it's place you're the one still asking her on a cruise after she dumped you. If your going to be cocky and funny you have to do it like a UFC fighter. Hit the jab then back off and let her follow you in. Your going up to her with no protection asking her for the cruise which is like leading with your head getting rejected then covering with the cocky and funny. You are doing it all wrong. Hit C&F then get out. If you do it right, she'll come to you. Then hit it again and get out. Don't hit and then stand there proud that you did it.


We get into the theater and we're the only one there... we cuddle and hold our faces close and keep talking. BUT ITS FREEZING and neither of us can stop shivering... Some other people show up and sit RIGHT behind us. The movie is a bit gross... and I'm feeling worse and worse (cold, and I havn't eaten yet... and its now 11pm).... we cuddle though and feel comfortable with each other.

You feel comfortable with her. You can't speak for her.


.... but I felt like I lost control tonight. (<---- basically like a "please take me back")

I felt like you lost control when she dumped you and you have been playing defense the whole time. I never saw anywhere where you were in control. STOP talking to her now. It's the only way you can show her at this point you DON'T need her. Furthermore, it may make her miss you. I can't say that for sure but after 7 years maybe she needs to find out that not having you around is much different then she imagined it before she dumped you.


So today she sends me some "Have faith" "God bless you in your hard times" emails.... and we've been writing back and forth all day.

F her for bring God into this when she's the cause of it all.


I don't know if I should go for the "No contact" or keep being friends and slowly get back together. I want the relationship back, but just for a more relaxed one.


I'm a bit lost..... can you help me out?

Thanks,

Jorgy

No contact is what you must do. You should have done it earlier but now you must do it.

Thanks Chuff!

I needed your advice! I've been reading her wrong, and you are 100% right. You sir are truly a flashlight in the darkest hours!

N/C it is then! FUK her if she hurts... she knows I care about her and I don't have to prove it. Let her prove that she cares about me to me, and I'll THINK about letting her into my life one day.

Yeah Chuff, has that effect. He got me too. I concur with his advice. I'd like to add a bit to it. First of all. She had a very well orchestrated plan. The only nice thing she did was let you down easily. Shakespeare couldn't have had designed it better himself. You've got your blinders on. She is out on the hunt and you're still at home waiting for her to bring back the meal although she isn't coming. She is doing what's best for her. Now you need to do what's best for you. Seven years is a fairly long relationship. It is imperative that you gain as much as possible from this. You must feel everything and do not deny yourself your emotions. You must learn how it felt how your where treated and how women are much more in control of us emotionally than logic would account for. In time you will come to despise her or even hate, then you may feel sad and miss her then back to hate her. But ultimately, I've found that eventually, you gain a disconnection and you logically assess the situation, you may even come to understand it and only wish her the best or even become friends with her. You will date again invariably and sooner than later in most cases. The experience itself will make you stronger, smarter, wiser, and a better man for yourself and anyone who you have a deep relationship with. Death is rebirth. Things must die for others to grow. It's a whole cycle. Don't worry you will be just fine. Make sure you take time out to grow for yourself. Make sure you finish schooling and get yourself as independently strong as possible. Good luck cheers.