?

??

The best way to deal with it is give her what she is asking for. Give her NC or No Contact until she calls you. I have been dealing with this for almost 2 months now with my ex of 2 years. Its rough but if you swallow it now you will look back and be glad you didn't drag it out any longer. It will be painful but cut off all contact and the ball is in her court not yours.

Move on and get a life. I hope you haven't been waiting around for 5 weeks.
BREAK = BREAK-UP. Ask yourself if there is any difference. The only difference is that you wasted 5 weeks wondering what might happen or what she might do.

Don't waste your time wondering. You should start by beginning the process of forgetting her RIGHT NOW. It will take a long time, and it is a difficult process. But in the end, you'll be a better person.

--Cali

Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?

Move on... you'll be better for it. If she wants you back, and you're ready to take her back that's one thing--but you need to live your life, and can't keep moping around until she's ready.

Don't worry about her finding your post... if she's "on break" I doubt she's hunting down information about you. I'm sorry if that sounds mean... but it's probably true.

Break-up means break-up. What to do you do? Get over it and move on.
What to you think you're supposed to do?

You're probably right Farmgirl. OK, so here's my story. About 5 weeks ago, my girlfriend (well I guess my ex girlfriend now) decided she wanted to take a "break." I am 25 and she's 23, and we had been together about 4 years, and I loved her (and still do) very much, and we were great together. We hardly ever got into fights, and when we did, I always tried to diffuse the argument or end up blaming most of it on myself (which was not the right thing to do, which I see now, but these low points were rare, so anyway... ) We did everything together. We hung out every single day, and spent every night together unless she had to go out of town or something like that, and we had fun practically all the time. I finally moved into her apartment about 4 months ago. We had planned to live together at her place for a little while, and then move off to a big city together. We even started selling some of our things, and we also took a trip up there to check out the city and the neighborhoods around it. I wasn't really excited about the idea when she brought it up, but once I went (I had never been there before) I thought it would be a really fun thing to do for a year - you know, while we were still young and not tied down.

Right before she decided we needed a break, we went to her friend's wedding. As soon as we get back in town from this wedding I had to run out on an errand, and when I come home she is crying. I ask what is up, and she says we need a break, which completely shocked me because I NEVER saw this coming. She tells me that she loves me, and thinks she wants to spend her life with me but isn't sure right now, and needs some space. She then says that she is 23 and that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" and its not that she doesn't love me or love our time together or living together, but that she is confused right now. Basically, she says all of the generic things that it seems like everyone else's ex says when they want a break, even though she says them all with conviction and tears. She then says that she's been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and wouldn't do this to us if she didn't really think it would make us better off in the long run. So of course I lose it and start to cry, and I tell her that I love her so much and that I don't think we need a break. I say that I can't believe this is happening, but that I understand if it's something she needs to do for herself, and if this is what she needs to do then I guess I have to be OK with that. Then I ask her if there is someone else like 5 times, to which she responds no each time, telling me that she wouldn't do that to me, and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't want to go on a "break" but would just want to end it completely. So then I say well, if we are on a break then I can't stay at the apartment, so I call up my best friend who lives about 30 minutes away, and luckily he is cool enough to let me move in with him. She then tells me that I don't need to move all of my things out because even though we are on a break it is only going to be for a little while (she is saying all these things through tears of course). She basically told me that I only need to bring enough things to stay for a short amount of time. So after a few hours of both of us just hurting and crying, we decide that I will spend one more night at the apartment and then the next night I will start living at my best friend's place. That night was so hard. We hardly slept and just held each other very tightly in bed all night long, with her crying off and on through the night. The next day I go to work and feel like crap, and when I come home, we do some more crying and hugging, and then she gives me some groceries and things she bought me to take with me. We then kiss passionately as if it will be the last time ever, and then I'm on my way. She is texting me the whole time, telling me to let her know when I got there, and other things like "she hates herself for doing this" and that she "thinks she is an idiot" and that I am so awesome for understanding and giving her space.

Since then my life has pretty much sucked, and its been 5 weeks and then some. I went from a 5 minute drive to work to having to drive 30 minutes there and back, and I can't focus on my job. I haven't been eating right or sleeping well, and I got sick about 4 weeks in. Weekends are practically impossible to deal with because I end up thinking about how I want to be with her and all the good times we had, and then wonder why she would just give those up. Its just terrible because we used to live together, and she told me that I don't have to move all my things, but in reality I know I need to get my stuff out of the apartment because I just don't know if her saying that I don't have to move my stuff is true. I'm trying to move it because I don't want to find out that she's moved on and I still have half my crap there. So I have to go over there during my lunch breaks and pick up small loads of stuff. I'm still having to do this 5 weeks out, but I don't have much left to get. Would have got it done sooner but I was sick.

I think it's also important to note that I noticed while I was at the apartment getting things that one of my ex's girlfriends who used to come hang with us and spend the night a few nights a week (she works with my ex but lives kind of far away), who I think is a bad influence on her, has sort of moved in and is basically crashing there every night. She moved in probably a week after I left. This girl is kind of a flirt and drinks heavily, and has probably hooked up with most of the guys at their job. I don't totally dislike this girl, but before this "break" thing I was feeling frustrated with her because she was at our apartment all the time and I felt like she was taking time away from me and my (ex) girl. But, I don't know, maybe my ex just needed someone to be there with her.

In these 5 weeks, different things have happened. For starters, this whole time she has texted me almost every day. She's even texted to see if I'm still exited about moving to a big city together. I think there has been only a few days where there was no text from her (yesterday being one of them). As far as face to face contact, I confronted her about the relationship a few days after the break and asked her what the deal was, and if she was seeing someone else (I know I shouldn't have). She gave me the same reasons as before. We have also had extended face to face contact five times since then. The first time was a little less than two weeks in. We had a great time - went out to eat, wandered around a shopping center together. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. She texted me afterward and told me she had a great time. It made me feel great to hang out with her, but it had some negative effects, because I wanted to do it again the next weekend. She made it seem like she really wanted to as well, but when the next weekend came her days got "filled up." I called her and was upset, and told her that if she really had wanted to hang out with me, she would have. The next time was about three weeks in. I had moved all of my clothes out of my closet and she sent me a text saying that my empty closet made her cry. I didn't respond. She called. I didn't answer. She sent me a text later that night saying she was upset all day and that I completely ignored her and she didn't get it. I didn't respond. She called my job the next day upset and I told her she wanted a break and that I was trying to respect her wishes. I asked her if she wanted me to come over to talk about it - she did. I went over there and basically told her that I wasn't going to be strung along, and that I am not going to wait around forever, and that if there is someone else to please just end it with me. She said she wasn't trying to do any of those things and there wasn't anyone else. The third time was about a week after that - she came to my place and we hung out and watched TV. She ended up spending the night and sleeping in my bed, but we didn't do anything if you know what I mean. Just another good time where I didn't bring up the relationship at all. The fourth time was last Monday. My car had broken down last weekend, and so I had to call her because she was the only person I knew in the area that could help me out. She was so sweet to me. She let me use her AAA, and while my car was getting fixed she let me hang out at her apartment. While we were laying on her bed watching TV, we hooked up. This has totally thrown me for a loop because I don't know what to do now. She has texted me since then, with the exception of yesterday. The last time was last Thurs. I went on my lunch break to go get some things from there, but she was there. I called and asked if it was OK if I came and got some things. She said it was fine. We talked about the relationship. I told her again that I don't want to be strung along and if there is someone else then end it. She asked if I wanted her to call me and text me. I told her its fine to conact me as long as its not a way for her to feel better about herself for going on on a "break," or if she's trying to slowly let me go. She said she wasn't, and was thinking she wants to get back with me, but needs more time.

I am so confused guys, I just don't know what to do now. I loved this girl with all my heart for 4 years, and I still do. I care about her so much and I just can't wrap my mind around why she would want to go on a "break." The sad thing is, when she told me all the reasons for wanting to go on this break, I believed her, and I wanted them to be true, but I keep having doubts. I also thought that it would maybe only last a month at most, but here I am at 5 weeks and then some, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I really just want her back. Please help!

Oh and also, her birthday is coming up next week. She mentioned that she would like to hang out sometime next weekend. What do I do? What should I get her?

Freak;

I have to say I think that your situation is different than most that I read here. My initial thought is that she wants to get married and after 4 years with you it's not happening, but she's not bringing that up so I don't know. It is surprising she broke the news after the wedding.

Normally, once they are done, they are cold and she's not. My sense is that she is still interested, confused and cares and doesn't want to hurt you, hence the frequent contact.

I would keep the contact light and do what you are doing until you are 100% sure she is done. As for the birthday, get her a card and an inconsequential gift and drop it off.

Keep us posted.

Can you tell her you're not getting any younger and would like to date (others) again because, after all, it's been almost six weeks and there has to be either a clean break with her or a reunion with no conditions? Give her a deadline of two more weeks and then she has to decide?

In other words, put the ball into your court and establish some boundaries.

I hear a lot about this type of thing when people have been together as teens and become young adults. They get to be 22-25 years old and discover they have spent all of that time with one person and are not sure if they now want to be with that person. They may love the person, but the thought of settling down before they have time to be free is scary.
Instead of having a break, they should just beak up. It makes it easier on both parties.
I personally think this dating someone exclusively in your teen years is not a good idea. When you get in your 20's the way you see things change and often you find that this person you thought you could never do without, is not the person you now see spending your life with. She wants to do this and still have her life line to you.
Break it off with her completely. You two go your separate ways, if you are meant to be , you will hook up again down the road.

First that does suck, secondly you can't be so sensitive and I know this because of the book you just wrote above.Its obvious you care about her a great deal and it also seems to me that your life is built around her and that is a problem in itself, Its great to be all about you and her, but you have to be happy with just yourself. So for now let her be, give her some time, as for you go out with your friends, get a hobby, find yourself again, remember this is a great time to look at yourself in the mirror and work on you.

First that does suck, secondly you can't be so sensitive and i know this because of the book you just wrote above.Its obvious you care about her a great deal and it also seems to me that your life is built around her and that is a problem in itself, Its great to be all about you and her, but you have to be happy with just yourself. so for now let her be, give her some time, as for you go out with your friends, get a hobby, find yourself again, remember this is a great time to look at yourself in the mirror and work on you.

Thanks, I've really been trying to do this! I've been playing music with my room mate (my best friend who was cool enough to let me move in when the crap happened) and a drummer that we know. I've also been trying to go for runs when I can to keep my mind off things. I've even started to clean up my new room - it's basically just been a pile of junk that I've thrown in here since I moved in because, well for a while I thought I would be going back soon, but I see that now that's probably not going to happen. It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time. Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone. She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon. I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then. She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, you know? Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time), but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.

She created it and does not know how to let go. She knows she needs and wants to be away. She is probably hurting too. I suggest you break it off and tell her to go on with her life and not to call or text you for at least 6 months and you do the same.

Freak;

I have to say I think that your situation is different than most that I read here. My initial thought is that she wants to get married and after 4 years with you it's not happening, but she's not bringing that up so I don't know. It is surprising she broke the news after the wedding.

Normally, once they are done, they are cold and she's not. My sense is that she is still interested, confused and cares and doesn't want to hurt you, hence the frequent contact.

I would keep the contact light and do what you are doing until you are 100% sure she is done. As for the birthday, get her a card and an inconsequential gift and drop it off.

Keep us posted.

I'm not sure that my not asking her to marry me is it. I mean, we had talked about getting married before, and we both agreed that it is hopefully in our future but right now we are too young. I don't really even want to get married until around 30, or late twenties at the earliest, but I don't know. She knows that though, and I thought she at least agreed with me. If anything I thought the wedding may have freaked her out and made her realize that she is too young to be tied down right now. She had even said before that she doesn't understand why people get married so young. Homegirl has brought this point up later in this post. Plus, if that was really the case, I think she would have brought it up. But, I my thoughts on this aren't exactly solid either. We had planned (and I think she is still planning) to move to a big city together. My thoughts lately had been, well if we do that, then I might see how things go there and then maybe ask her. But, of course it's all up in the air now...

Well I was wrong about Monday. She called me up and wanted to hang out and do something "alone with me" a.k.a. get out of her house and away from her ever-present room mate. So I drove out to where she lives, and we went out for ice cream, and then went back to her place to hang out. We had a pretty good time. We talked lightly about the relationship. I told her that my feelings about the relationship swing all the time, and that I'll be angry one day, upset the next, and then not too bad on some days, etc. but that I love her and want to be with her. We talked about her job (she's a bartender/GM of a bar/restaurant. Not sure if I mentioned that before), and how she is supposed to be done there in December, and how from there she wants to move to a city with me. So, we are just sitting around chatting and stuff, and her "room mate," the bad influence girl (go read my story) ran out to do some errands, and we hooked up again (my suggestion though, but she was all for it). Don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but we did. I don't know guys, it's just so weird. What bothers me though is that she seems happy by herself and hanging out with her new friends (the bar she worked at recently merged with a restaurant and so now she has a bunch of new coworkers that she hangs out with), but then she keeps talking about moving off with me, and that this break is a good time for us to find ourselves again. To be perfectly honest though, I just don't give a crap about going on a break to find myself. I just want her. This is so lame. How do I get this girl to realize that she needs to be back with me, and that, to be honest, it will be really hard for her to find someone that treated her as well as I did? I mean, I know I can't make her think a certain way - that's pretty evident from reading similar posts to mine on this site. No one can make someone think or feel a certain way about them, but what I'm interested in doing, if I haven't blown it already, is trying to recreate that attraction between us that was once there. I mean, there was a time when, not all that long ago really, she wanted to spend all her time with me and told me that she loved me so much all the time and just never wanted to leave my side. But now it almost seems like she's trying to "friend zone" me, but at the same time I'm just not sure if that's even it. This just sucks really bad right now because she seems to be happy with what she's doing, but I can't tell if it's a fake happiness that she puts on while she's around me, or what. I sent her a text this morning when I woke up telling her that I really miss her, and that I'm not trying to sound clingy or anything but I miss waking up next to her and seeing her face. All she sent back was "Aww, I miss you too!" which to me seemed like a lame response to my text. I mean, I'm not trying to read into her words here because it's a freakin text, but it just came across as "oh yeah, well I miss you too. Stop texting me." I don't know guys, what do I do to make this chick see that she is missing out on something awesome?

Ok so here's the deal. After talking to one of my good friends last night, I've pretty much reached the conclusion that I can't deal with this crap any longer. I feel like all she's doing is stringing me along while she sees what else is out there, which is really just completely unfair to me. I mean, as far as I know she's dating someone else already, although I have absolutely no evidence of that. But what I do know is that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" which basically means she wants to be single and not tied down. Her birthday is Friday, so I think between now and her birthday I'm simply just not going to respond to any of her text messages (if there even are any, but she's been pretty consistent about sending one every day). Then on Friday, I'll call her up and wish her happy birthday. Also, between now and then, I had planned on getting her a card and a gift card or something like that and maybe dropping it off. Anyway, after her birthday weekend (which she mentioned that we should hang out at some point, but I don't know what will happen now), I'm thinking like Tuesday I'm going to ask her if it's OK if I stop by after work and ask to talk to her. Then I'm basically just going to have to tell her that I can't do this being on a "break" thing any longer, and that I love her very much, and never wanted this break, and would love to be with her, but its becoming pretty clear that this is all just false hope, and that I need to move on with my life. Then I will ask if she feels any differently about the "break," and if not I want to talk to her about the relationship and what she didn't like so that I can maybe learn a good lesson about what not to do next time. If she still wants this "break" then I guess I'm just going to have to tell her to not call me or text me (unless its like an emergency or something) until she figures out what she wants in her life, and in the meantime I'm just going to have to act like this is completely done, and arrange some time to go get the rest of my things from her apartment. Does ANYONE out there think this is a good idea? Or should I just start ignoring texts/calls/Gmail chat right now? I mean, ideally I would like this girl to realize that she's made a mistake and want to get back with me, but I know that's probably not going to happen, so what do I do? Please help.

I think she is enjoying being unattached and is learning things about herself, which is what she wanted to do and suggested you do the same. The difference is you are not likeing it. You could learn something's about yourself as well.
This break could be the beginning of the end and maybe she does not realize it yet. She likes being around you, but does not want to be with you. If you can't deal with it, tell her and break it off completely, but don't try andmake her feel the villain just because she does not want to be with you. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, you two are just not the right ones for each other. She is coming to realize that, you haven't yet.

Some people unwittingly cause harm to others. They string people along without even realising it or perhaps not caring. In your case give her what she wanted at the start. A break. That means no contact. Just disappear of the face of the earth.

If she gets in contact, say 'its best we don't speak for a while. I honestly wish you the best for the future and now I must go."

Negative feelings are not good. One day it might be nice to remember the good times and that things ended on a positive note. The future is allways 'open' as such then.

If she wants you back she knows where you are. So get going with NC and see where that leads you. In time you will heal and you will probably become indifferent to the past. She will be more like an old friend and you will be a new happy person, changed and learned from the experience.

I think she is enjoying being unattached and is learning things about herself, which is what she wanted to do and suggested you do the same. The difference is you are not liking it. You could learn somethings about yourself as well.
This break could be the beginning of the end and maybe she does not realize it yet. She likes being around you, but does not want to be with you. If you can't deal with it, tell her and break it off completely, but don't try and make her feel the villain just because she does not want to be with you. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, you two are just not the right ones for each other. She is coming to realize that, you haven't yet.

Thank you Homegirl, your advice has always been really awesome! Please keep it coming, this is really helping me get through my days. I don't want her to feel like a villain because she doesn't want to be with me right now. I understand that the way people feel about each other can change over time. It's just hard for me to sit there and wonder if she will ever shift back to wanting me, because I definitely still want her. I really would like for that to happen, and given my circumstances, should I keep up light contact to maybe help the possibility that might happen, or should I start acting a little bit more cold and aloof and see if she will pursue me at all? I mean, I know the probability of this happening is slim, but I need to feel like I at least tried, you know? But, in trying, I don't want to be overbearing or push her away either, like I've seen many others on this sight do. So, light contact and birthday card? Or just stop responding to texts? I'm honestly willing to try what I have to, but I don't want to be obvious or pushy about it, know what I mean? Want to be subtle, but just don't know the route to take.

I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are meant to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well

Some people unwittingly cause harm to others. They string people along without even realising it or perhaps not caring. In your case give her what she wanted at the start. A break. That means no contact. Just dissapear of the face of the earth.

If she gets in contact, say 'its best we don't speak for a while. I honestly wish you the best for the future and now I must go."

Negative feelings are not good. One day it might be nice to remember the good times and that things ended on a positive note. The future is allways 'open' as such then.

If she wants you back she knows where you are. So get going with NC and see where that leads you. In time you will heal and you will probably become indifferent to the past. She will be more like an old friend and you will be a new happy person, changed and learned from the experiance.


Thanks Jiser! Please keep the responses coming! It's totally helping me figure things out in my head to have you guys as a sounding board. Know what I mean? You know, I've also thought about going this route several times. It just seems really hard because, believe it or not, I don't want to hurt her by just completely shutting her out, even though she has put me through hell for nearly two months now. Weird, isn't it? It's just the kind of guy I am I guess, but I probably just need to man up and not speak to her/text her. See but the thing is, she pretty much contacts me every day. So what do I do about that? Just ignore them? Or ask her to stop?

There was a point when I did actually try this for a day or two. If you read my huge book of a post (sorry for the length) when I did just ignore her texts and calls for a day when she was upset about three weeks into the break, I got a good response out of her. I mean, she even called up my work all upset. The complete NC is hard though because I don't want to shut all the doors and burn all the bridges if she wants to come back. Also, I still have some of my belongings at her place, so at some point I will have to contact her so that I can go get those things. So I should really just go full out NC? See, and then other people who respond to my post say don't do this, but just keep contact light and let her contact you. I know ultimately the decision comes down to me, but it's just hard to choose the right path.

Thank you Homegirl, your advice has always been really awesome! Please keep it coming, this is really helping me get through my days. I don't want her to feel like a villain because she doesn't want to be with me right now. I understand that the way people feel about each other can change over time. It's just hard for me to sit there and wonder if she will ever shift back to wanting me, because I definitely still want her. I really would like for that to happen, and given my circumstances, should I keep up light contact to maybe help the possibility that might happen, or should I start acting a little bit more cold and aloof and see if she will pursue me at all? I mean, I know the probability of this happening is slim, but I need to feel like I at least tried, you know? But, in trying, I don't want to be overbearing or push her away either, like I've seen many others on this sight do. So, light contact and birthday card? Or just stop responding to texts? I'm honestly willing to try what I have to, but I don't want to be obvious or pushy about it, know what I mean? Want to be subtle, but just don't know the route to take.

BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND! 1000 PERCENT!

Every time you see or talk to her you will have you 2 being together on your mind.
You have to go no contact. Tell her you need time for yourself. PERIOD. POINTBLANK.
Its not a lie it is very true. I completely understand your point. Its your emotions talking your holding out hope etc.. Nothing wrong with that but you need YOU time. My opinion is you need to completely walk away. NO CONTACT. I know the pain it will cause you but you have to be strong bro.

You know you better than anyone. Whether you two make it as a couple again or not, you can end this on friendly terms. Light contact, by light I mean don't you contact her, let her do it and don't answer every call or text. If things are just not going to work, the contact will gradually die off any way. But if you find her contacting you is too much, then you put and end to it.

I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are mean to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well


Thanks again for the response! Ok, so I think I'll get her a card (a non-mushy, basic birthday card) and possibly a gift card as well, and maybe drop it off, unless she contacts me and wants to hang out this weekend. Oh and that's another thing I wanted to ask you, should I just continue to do what I'm doing and let her contact me, and not contact her (unless it's something important like needing to get my belongings or if my car breaks down, again). And then if/when she does contact me, just respond to some of the texts and/or calls, but not all of them? That's pretty much what I've been doing so far, and yes, sometimes it causes my emotions to well up in me and make me miss her a whole lot, but I'm typically pretty good about handling it. I've only slipped up a couple of times and texted her letting her know that I miss her badly, and to me, a couple of times in about 2 months isn't that bad. If I do this, I think in the meantime I'll start working on myself so I can try to get her out of my head, and maybe chat with another girl or two? If I can find one that is - man it takes me forever to meet chicks... Sound like the right thing? I know you basically just told me that this is what I should do, but I got to double check. :)

You know you better than anyone. Whether you two make it as a couple again or not, you can end this on friendly terms. Light contact, by light I mean don't you contact her, let her do it and don't answer every call or text. If things are just not going to work, the contact will gradually die off any way. But if you find her contacting you is too much, then you put and end to it.


Homegirl, quick question. I think I know the answer, but is the point of not answering every call or text to make her think that I'm busy and moving on with my life, and have other things to do besides sit around and wait for her to call or text?

Also, another thought, which I probably won't act on but just want to throw it out there to see what you guys have to say... What about an ultimatum? I mean, she is responsible for creating this situation and has made this big decision. Do I get to make any big decisions then? Like, couldn't I just be like, OK, well you wanted a break, and I didn't want one, but now I want some sort of decision as to what's going to happen here? I'm not sure but I think maybe doing this would probably be foolish and spell certain disaster, but I just want to know what people think because some of my friends have said that this might be a good idea. Suggestions anyone? I'm sorry I know I blab on a lot, but this kind of thing really helps me get some perspective and having people that have been through this kind of thing feeding me advice and ideas makes me feel way better.

Homegirl, quick question. I think I know the answer, but is the point of not answering every call or text to make her think that I'm busy and moving on with my life, and have other things to do besides sit around and wait for her to call or text?
That's part of it, but you don't want to be in the habit of waiting for every phone call, every text and by not answereing them, you are sort of training yourself to not be always in a state of "waiting" She will also come to realize that it is not good to call you for any and everything. This way if she really wants you back, she will have to come right out and say it and not assume you know cause she calls or texts all of the time.

Also, another thought, which I probably won't act on but just want to throw it out there to see what you guys have to say... What about an ultimatum? I mean, she is responsible for creating this situation and has made this big decision. Do I get to make any big decisions then? Like, couldn't I just be like, OK, well you wanted a break, and I didn't want one, but now I want some sort of decision as to what's going to happen here? I'm not sure but I think maybe doing this would probably be foolish and spell certain disaster, but I just want to know what people think because some of my friends have said that this might be a good idea. Suggestions anyone? I'm sorry I know I blab on a lot, but this kind of thing really helps me get some perspective and having people that have been through this kind of thing feeding me advice and ideas makes me feel way better.
If you have gotten tired of the whole thing then yes, do it, but I would not give her an ultimatum, you want her to stay with you because she wants to, not because you have given her an ultimatum. When you get tired, you break it off completely. And only you know when you've reached that point.

That's part of it, but you don't want to be in the habit of waiting for every phone call, every text and by not answereing them, you are sort of training yourself to not be always in a state of "waiting" She will also come to realize that it is not good to call you for any and everything. This way if she really wants you back, she will have to come right out and say it and not assume you know cause she calls or texts all of the time.


Thank you, your advice is freakin' awesome! I don't know why, but I have the sinking feeling that she is probably going to just move on, but I'm not sure. I just got the feeling that, when I texted her yesterday morning to tell her that I really miss her and miss waking up to see her face, and she just responded with "Aww! I miss you too," that she just didn't really give a $h!t that I missed her. I responded to her "Aww" text with "ok" and she responded with "why did I just get an ok?" and I told her that I had really strong feelings of missing her today, frankly I felt like she was just responding to my text because she maybe felt like she had to and not because she felt a similar way. I also sent a text right after that saying "but maybe I'm reading too much into a text message" and she agreed that I was. She then texted me later that day to see how the rest of my day had been, and it told her it was good, but I feel like she was kind of just doing it out of obligation or something. Ahhh I hate this so much. I need to just drop it, I know I do, but it's so hard guys... I mean, she was my first love.

I think she is moving on. She knows how you feel and your texting her and telling her how you feel just makes it harder for her and you. I think deep down you see the hand writing on the wall. Don't text or call her. Stay as general as you can when she call ot texts you. I think she will eventually stop and you will eventually heal.

Ok well, she texted me today at like 10PM asking how my day was. I didn't answer. And honestly, I don't think it matters that I didn't answer, because she's just stringing me along, and I am seriously just sick of this $#!t. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but I keep getting the sinking feeling that she's moving on, and that I'm just her fall back plan or something. If this is the case, which I'm starting to realize it is now, I keep feeling like I am coming back to the decision I made before which is: I don't think its really fair for her to slowly let me go like this, and I don't think I should really have to take it, and let this relationship (or what's left of it) slowly fade away into nothingness. If I do let the relationship fade away, I'll feel like I didn't get out what I have to say to her, and I'll always wonder what would have happened if I just said what was on my mind. If I don't let the relationship fade but just ask her to either let me go or decide that she wants to be with me so that we can work on our future together, then at least I'll know I tried, and will look back at it knowing I did what I could. That way I can at least feel good about it, and have some kind of closure. Plus, letting this relationship fade out is giving her exactly what she wants - an easy way out with no confrontation, and that is just completely unfair to me, especially after all the crap I've been through. I mean, she got to make this huge decision about our relationship, did she not? Now it's my turn to make one. If I just let this whole thing fade away, then I am just letting her have her cake and eat it too, because she gets off without a hitch, which isn't right or fair. Letting me go this way sucks, because I am basically just fed up with waking up every day and thinking about her all day and hoping that she will call, or text, and being worried that she won't. It makes me feel like I'm frozen in time and can't move forward. I feel like this past 6 weeks has felt like 6 months. And, I need some kind of ending to this so that I can move on with my life and forget about her, even though I know it will be hard. So, I feel like I have to just end it, and do it face to face so that she sees the pain it has caused me, and realize that doing this kind of thing to people you love (or used to love) really hurts them.

My plan is this - her birthday is Friday. I'm not going to call or text or respond to a damn thing until Saturday. If I don't hear from her, and she doesn't invite me to hang out with her on her birthday, or makes no effort to contact me, then I guess the signs are pretty clear that she is through with me. If I don't hear from her, then I'm just going to call her and tell her we need to talk, face to face on Saturday when I get off work. I'm going to tell her that I love her, and that I want to be with her, but that this "break," or whatever the hell it is, is hurting me, and that I just cannot do it any longer. I mean, I never even wanted it in the first place. I'm going to tell her that she either needs to be with me and that we need to start working on our future together, or that I'm through, and she can call me when she gets her $#!t straight, and we'll see where we are in are lives at that point. I'm not going to blame anything on her, because I don't blame her for falling out of love with me, or wanting to have some space, or whatever. It happens. I can't change the way she feels, and neither can she really. I'm just going to make it clear that I cannot and will not be strung along because it's hurting me too much, and that she either has to commit, or let go. Sad thing is, I know what the answer will be, and so I'm preparing for the worst. But, I feel like this is really the best thing for me to do. From then on, its NC unless there is an emergency, or I need to get my belongings. Anyone out there got any pointers on this?

Freak:

We all understand how stressed out you are. The emotions are endless. It is like you are in a virtual mind prison with the constant thoughts.

However, you really need to maintain the discipline to stay away. The more that you contact her, the more you are going to force her away and the less she will think about you as a potential partner again. I realize that you need closure and it's tough. But focus now on yourself. Take a lot of walks and while you are losing weight get in great shape.

One thing I want you to understand, is advice from someone who is 20 years older than you and has been through this a few times. That advice is that the next one is always better than the last. As you grow and learn from the pain and constant questioning of yourself and your actions, you will be better prepared for the next relationship. I remember college going through what you are now dealing with. Never thought I would find someone as good as her. Well the next one made me realize how great someone else could be.

Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?

I highly doubt that my ex would be here considering he dumped me and this site usually consists of dumpees, but I don't care if he did. It would be a good way for him to find out what a LOSER he is after reading how many people on here called him one.

She kows how you feel about her, you have told her before. What you are wanting to do does nothing but allow you to let off steam, Your giving her an ultimatum and then telling her to let you know what she decides does nothing but put you back in the waiting corner.
If you can no longer do this then don't, but don't give her any more choices. Tell her you love her, but you cannot play this game anymore and then end it. PERIOD. If she wants you it will be up to her to let you know, and she will. Otherwise, you know what the deal is, it's done.

She kows how you feel about her, you have told her before. What you are wanting to do does nothing but allow you to let off steam, Youre giving her an ultimatum and then telling her to let you know what she decides. That still puts you in the waiting corner.
If you can no longer do this then don't, but don't give her any more choices. Tell her you love her, but you cannot play this game anymore and then end it. PERIOD. If she wants you it will be up to her to let you know, and she will. Otherwise, you know what the deal is, it's done.

So should I just not do this then? I mean, don't get me wrong, I do want to be with this girl if I can, but I feel like the longer this goes on the less that's going to happen. Plus, I look at all the other posts on here, and practically no one gets back with their ex. That's why I wanted to just tell her that I love her and want to be with her, but that I can't do this "break" business because it's just giving me false hope. I want to tell her that I think it's better if we just leave each other alone for now, unless she wants to work on our relationship together. Which to that I'm sure she will respond in the same way that she has before - basically that she needs more time - which basically means, from what I can gather, that she wants to be single and date others. Well, I don't have all the time in the world to wait for her, right? I need to get on with my life. Ahh this is so hard to decide what to do. I mean, what I REALLY want is for her to be drawn back to me. Half of the people I talk to say I need to just go NC, give her her break and let her realize she misses me, and then she will come back if it's right. These same people say that every time we hang out/call/text then it is just lowering my value to her. But if I do this, then aren't I just playing the waiting game that will more than likely fizzle out to nothing? Isn't that just false hope? And if I do that, then she gets off easy, which to me isn't fair, because I feel like that is maybe what she's trying to do - get out of this with the least amount of confrontation. I mean, who knows, I was never really confrontational with her ever in our relationship. I just sort of was silent if she was upset and trying to argue. Maybe she wants confrontation? Also, the waiting game is what is driving me crazy I think. Then the other half of people I talk to tell me I need to tell her face to face that I can't play this game, and that I love her and really want to be with her, but that if she doesn't want to work on getting back together then we just need to be done. I know ultimately it's up to me, and I really don't want to lose her but I probably already have...

I totally agree with Homegirl's last post, FC. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, man. Read my story if you want to see an example of someone else who went through the "mental prison" days, to quote the poster above. Just to calm your nerves and anxiety, know that you're doing really well based on what I've read so far. You've managed to control yourself remarkably well, all things considered. I know how hard it is, but it does get better, slowly.

I totally understand the urge to issue an ultimatum. You probably feel like you have the right to, and in a perfect world you should, because you're getting stringed along, just like I was. The problem with doing that, though, is if she decides to stay with you after you offer her two choices, you will feel paranoid afterwards that she only stayed with you because you "forced her to." Can you see yourself in the future feeling that? That is why your ONLY option is to act decisively. She knows how you feel, and she will not ever forget you (two common fears that come up again and again). You need to make this easier on yourself, and focus on doing what is the right thing to do, and escape with your dignity intact, which it still is. In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.

End this with her. Tell her how you feel and tell her you cannot deal with it anymore. If she wants you back, the move will be hers. In the meantime, you will not be playing the waithing game and you know where you stand.
End it.

I totally agree with Homegirl's last post, FC. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, man. Read my story if you want to see an example of someone else who went through the "mental prison" days, to quote the poster above. Just to calm your nerves and anxiety, know that you're doing really well based on what I've read so far. You've managed to control yourself remarkably well, all things considered. I know how hard it is, but it does get better, slowly.

I totally understand the urge to issue an ultimatum. You probably feel like you have the right to, and in a perfect world you should, because you're getting stringed along, just like I was. The problem with doing that, though, is if she decides to stay with you after you offer her two choices, you will feel paranoid afterwards that she only stayed with you because you "forced her to." Can you see yourself in the future feeling that? That is why your ONLY option is to act decisively. She knows how you feel, and she will not ever forget you (two common fears that come up again and again). You need to make this easier on yourself, and focus on doing what is the right thing to do, and escape with your dignity intact, which it still is. In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.

Well I wish I had read this before I just broke down and texted her back telling her my day yesterday was good (even though it wasn't), and asked how her day was. I also asked if she has to work today because if she says she does, I will go over on a lunch break and get some more of my things. I also asked her if she's excited about her birthday coming up. Man I am lame. But my Mom said it was lame for me NOT to text her back, but that I just shouldn't be in a hurry to do it... which I wasn't. I waited till the text day. I also got her a card and a gift card. My Mom thinks I should give it to her or drop it off or something, but I don't know... I don't want her to feel like I have anger toward her if I don't call her up and wish her happy birthday or give her a card or something. Mom also thinks I should wait and see if she wants me to hang with her on her birthday. If she doesn't, that's probably a good sign that things are for the worse. Anyone?

FC: Read my post by clicking on my profile. Specifically read the stuff posted by Chuff and Tal. I can't sum up their words, but they give some excellent food for thought about worrying about HER so much and whether SHE will be offended by what you do or do not do. Right now, your only obligation is to take care of yourself. Try to settle into that frame and blast through your frazzled emotional circuitry.

Don't worry in the least about texting her back. Take comfort in the fact that you can disappear at any time and move away from the intense pain that contact with her is causing you. The hardest part is going to be training yourself and your brain to STOP WAITING. That is by far the hardest part, and it only comes with you truly letting go of all hope. If she comes back without any contact from you, then at least you will feel empowered to make a decision in your own best interests and untainted by her feeling any pressure from you. As hard as it is, pretend starting NOW that she is not coming back and that this is over. It's the only way that you can fathom the idea of walking away, and it's still nearly impossible. Don't let anyone tell you this is going to be easy, but you need to do it.

I would get ALL your stuff back as soon as possible. It's only making things a lot more complicated. And as for the card/gift card, I'd keep the gift card for yourself, and keep the card simple (i.e. nothing to do with you and her in the message). Don't get caught up in the urge to say something that you think will resonate with her in the card, because I think you'll find it has the exact opposite effect that you thought it would. Once her birthday's over and you have all your stuff back, you've got to disappear, not out of meanness, but for your own emotional well-being, and to create true space between you that needs to be there right now.

FC: Read my post by clicking on my profile. Specifically read the stuff posted by Chuff and Tal. I can't sum up their words, but they give some excellent food for thought about worrying about HER so much and whether SHE will be offended by what you do or do not do. Right now, your only obligation is to take care of yourself. Try to settle into that frame and blast through your frazzled emotional circuitry.

Don't worry in the least about texting her back. Take comfort in the fact that you can disappear at any time and move away from the intense pain that contact with her is causing you. The hardest part is going to be training yourself and your brain to STOP WAITING. That is by far the hardest part, and it only comes with you truly letting go of all hope. If she comes back without any contact from you, then at least you will feel empowered to make a decision in your own best interests and untainted by her feeling any pressure from you. As hard as it is, pretend starting NOW that she is not coming back and that this is over. It's the only way that you can fathom the idea of walking away, and it's still nearly impossible. Don't let anyone tell you this is going to be easy, but you need to do it.

I would get ALL your stuff back as soon as possible. It's only making things a lot more complicated. And as for the card/gift card, I'd keep the gift card for yourself, and keep the card simple (i.e. nothing to do with you and her in the message). Don't get caught up in the urge to say something that you think will resonate with her in the card, because I think you'll find it has the exact opposite effect that you thought it would. Once her birthday's over and you have all your stuff back, you've gotta disappear, not out of meanness, but for your own emotional well-being, and to create true space between you that needs to be there right now.

Dude you are awesome, thank you so much for your advice. The card is actually kind of ridiculous. It says "Have fun on your birthday, but remember excess celebrating and partying over a period of time can be very damaging. Just look what it did to the poor soul inside" Inside is a mirror and it says "try not to think about it, and have a happy birthday" I was planning on writing "Haha just playing! Ur the hottest girl ever! Happy 24th bday" or something along those lines. I don't think this message would be bad, cause it's not mushy and it doesn't have anything to do with us or our relationship. Just a funny, slightly insulting card, but a joke nonetheless. Think this is OK? I still think I should give her the gift card too, I don't know why but I do. Is that too much or something? I mean, it's nothing personal, just a gift card.

Also, as far as the stuff at her apartment goes... I have 3 pieces of furniture there, but I really just don't care about those at all. I just have some books and some other things I want to get, and it's not too much. I would just like to do it when she's not there because it's easier that way I guess.

Man this girl is so weird. I looked at her Facebook today and she hasn't even changed that I'm her boyfriend on there... I figured if she was moving on she would have done that already.

Also, what happens if she wants to hang out for her birthday, or sometime this weekend? She mentioned it last week or something, but who knows, she may not even bring it up now. And do I not call her on her birthday? My Mom thinks I should, and thinks that even if we were completely over I should still call her and tell her happy birthday at least, but I don't know. I mean, I don't want her to think I'm being mean or anything by not calling... man this sucks. Questions questions questions...

I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are meant to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well


You know, I was kind of thinking about this "driver's seat" comment. I almost feel like that may have been part of the problem. I kind of feel like for the majority of our relationship she was "wearing the pants," know what I mean? I kind of always just did what she wanted to do, and kind of let her control the relationship because I was just happy being with her. So I almost kind of wonder if I just tell her how I feel (again, blah) and then establish some kind of boundaries and take charge by telling her that I'm not going to be strung along and that I think it's better if we just don't talk to one another until she is ready and has figured things out (if that ever happens), maybe she'll see that I'm "maning up" if you know what I mean, and have started taking control of at least my limited part in this "break." Any thoughts on that?

Ok so this chick... I just don't get it. I went over there on my lunch break to see if anyone was there - if no one was there, I was going to pop in and get some more of my things (she has let me keep my key to the apartment). Well, no one was there, and so I went in to get some more of my stuff. While I was there, I took a look around, and I'll tell you, nothing has changed. I mean, all the drawings I did for her (I'm an artist on the side, hehe) are all still either up on the walls in their frames or on the tables, exactly where they were before. All the pictures of me and her in the apartment - they haven't been touched or moved or anything. The picture of me in her room by her bed - still there and hasn't been moved. I let her keep my contour pillow, and clearly she is using it. I mean, what the hell man? I've taken all the pictures I have of her and just put them in a box because I can't really bear to look at them all the time. But she has left everything as it was, so I think this is weird for some reason. It isn't indicative of someone moving on. Or is it? I mean, maybe she just doesn't even care anymore so looking at them does not phase her or something. I have no clue. Is this a good thing, or bad thing, or does it even matter? I just feel like, if you are trying to move on, then you need to put those things away, you know? Or, if you HAVE moved on, having them up isn't going to bother you. Maybe I'm trying to read too much into something that's inconsequential.

Ok so she just texted me that she just got out of work, that yesterday was pretty good, that her and her bad influence friend are going to get manicures and pedicures, and that she's almost old because it's her birthday. Then she says "lets talk soon about when we can have bday time!" What the hell? I feel like texting back "so, what, your actual birthday isn't a good day for you to hang out and have bday time with me?" What do I do! Why does she want to hang out with me?

Ok this chick is out of her freakin' mind guys. If you read my previous post you will see that I went during my lunch break last night to get some of my stuff from her apartment. So, I'm sitting at home after work last night and she sends me a text saying "why did you move your stuff" and then immediately calls me all upset and asks me "why did you come and get more of your stuff today?" And I'm like, uh because they are my things and I need to have them at the place I live at now. And she says "Ok but why did you move them today? You know it makes me upset when you come and move your stuff" And I'm just like "well, I wasn't trying to upset you by moving my stuff, I just needed a few of my things is all. Plus, today isn't your birthday but tomorrow is" Then she proceeds to say "yeah but now that's all I'm going to think about all night, and I thought you would probably try and move more stuff tomorrow (her birthday) to make me more upset" And I just keep telling her like 10 times that it wasn't my intention to upset her, but I just needed some of my things and I wasn't doing anything on my lunch break so I felt like coming to get stuff (but I don't say this all whiny or anything, just straight up). So then she says things like well don't take a condescending tone with me on the phone, and I basically just say "what the F are you talking about" So this drags on for a few more minutes. She keeps saying crap like "ok, fine I'll talk to you tomorrow." And I'm just like "OK, later." but she doesn't ever get off the phone. Then she says things like "I know I'm an @$$hole for doing this (the break)," and "I'm stupid" and this and that. So then I say "well, I was going to wait until 12 and call you and wish you happy birthday and ask you out to dinner, but I don't even know if I'm going to do that now." So then she finally calms down and we talk about some normal stuff like what she's going to do for her birthday and other random crap, and then I tell her I'm getting off the phone to watch The Office. She tells me to call her later, and I say Ok.

So, I let 12 roll around, then 12:20, then 12:30 and so on (didn't notice though because I was recording music), and then she sends me a text message that is blank. So, then I call her and she doesn't even answer her phone, even though she knew I was going to call. So I leave a message saying that I'm calling to tell her happy 24th birthday, and that I would like to take her out to dinner either tomorrow night or whenever she's free, but then I do something dumb and say that I love her in the message. WRONG. I know. So then I respond to the blank text asking why did she send a blank text, and that I called but she didn't even answer. So then she sends a text back that is like, "Oh sorry call again!" But I don't. I just sit there with my roommate and watch TV. Then a bit later she sends another text that says "call now!" So I don't, I just sit there some more because I don't feel like calling right then. Then I finally decide to brush my teeth and go to bed, so I call her right before I go to bed and she answers. She's at the bar she works at dancing and drinking with her girlfriends, and then I tell her that I'm calling to wish her happy birthday, etc. and to ask her out to dinner (I say it all like she doesn't already know that and that this is the first time I've talked to her for the night). She says that sounds wonderful and would like to go out on Sunday night. So I say, cool, sounds good. Then and the end of the conversation she says she loves me. I'm just like, OK have a nice night! And she says "what, you aren't going to say it back?" And I'm like "well, I said it in the message that you got when you didn't answer you phone." Then she's like "Well, I love you." And I mess up for the second time and say "I love you too, call me tomorrow or something or I can call you." She says "I'll definitely call you tomorrow!" And I'm like, OK night.

What the hell do I do now? Am I just digging a bigger hole for myself? My plan is to just not even answer her call, or at least ignore it and call back way later, if she even does call. Then I won't talk to her until Sunday if I can help it. Then, I plan on taking her out to eat, giving her a non mushy birthday card and perhaps a gift card, and being all awesome like it's our first date, and let her talk about herself and be really interested in what she has to say so that she's feeling those kind of feelings again for me. Then I plan on going home right after that like I have something to do. Then, I plan on calling her up in the next day or two after we go out to eat, and telling her that we need to talk. I will go over there, tell her that I love her very much, but that I can't do this break stuff any longer because it's just messing up my life right now, and that we either have to move forward together as a couple (super super slowly of course) or it's done for now (no more break but just completely broken up), and that she doesn't need to text or call me or anything until she gets her head on straight, if that ever happens. I don't plan on being mean about it or trying to make her out as a villain, but she really needs to know, face to face, that I can't do this crap any longer. Either one of two things will happen then. She will freak out and come back, or move on. She'll probably move on, but either way, I will at least have some sort of end point to all this mess and then I can work on moving on instead of waiting on her. But, what do I know. How do I even know that she hasn't been waiting for me to man up and tell her this? Anyone out there got opinions on this? Sorry, I know it's long, but I'm an English major.:D

Wow, this is just a whole page of me talking to myself...

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. You don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.

I think she really is sorry for the whole thing. It seems that she's now getting paranoid that you'll leave her. You guys should really talk about it and find out where you both stand. It could be she made a genuine mistake by having the break! If that's the case you know she loves you, and has learnt a lot from the whole thing.
Talking about, REALLY sitting down and talking about it, should streighten it out. Good luck (^,~)

You have to remember through your desire to get her back that she cannot have it both ways. She asked you for a break. Fine, it's her life. But she cannot be trying to make you feel guilty for not being there for her in the same way as you were before. She made a conscious choice, and now there are new boundaries. The onus is ON HER to communicate to you that she realizes she wants you back/she made a mistake/whatever and then you can choose whether to take her back. This is the situation. Don't get all caught up in these communication games and the guilt trips. Always keep the frame in your mind of what is really going on here.

My advice is for you to move forward as if you are broken up, because you are. "Taking a break" is nothing more than breaking up with the dangling possibility of getting back together at some future date. In my opinion, the whole "taking a break" thing and the agony it causes people like you is a cruel byproduct of someone (her) not knowing what to do with her confusion. It is not her fault that she resorts to this, but it sucks nonetheless.

You seem committed to the "dinner and soft ultimatum" approach. I agree with the above posters that she may be regretting her decision in your case, and if you truly think that it will put your anxieties to rest, I would at least totally take Homegirl's advice and just state how all of this making you feel and what you need to do as a consequence. Don't pose it in ultimatum form, is what I'm saying. Then, leave it. If she truly wants you to change the course of action that you're telling her you have to take, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, I would move forward in the days following and do the things that people do when they break up. Silently and politely get your stuff back, don't be her emotional sponge, and just don't feel guilt. You did not choose to take a break! You don't deserve to be in this horrible reactive mode, and if you're still getting jerked around after laying it out there, you have no reason to feel guilty for not being her emotional sponge.

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. you don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.

Home girl is totally right, she is completely manipulating you and the situation. She sees this as a game. Another thing when you say goodbye if she says goodbye then hang up don't stay on the phone because it gives her power over you. "oh look at me I'm all upset and I want you to be upset with me" is what she is saying. You're totally playing into her trap. Tell her straight out that what she is doing is transparent and childish and tiring you out and that you feel you it's a good idea to end it. Don't cry about it and keep a complete cold and straight face while you say it too. Now if she truly cares for you then she will come around. Good luck.

Congrates on the longest running post. Lol 5 pages, granted 1 of those is all yours.
If have to agree with a few postees. You both need to sit down and talk this over and find out where you stand, obviously you both still have feeling for each other. I truly think there's a good chance this is just a phase the relationship is going through, you've been together for a while and things I'm sure get a little old and predictable. You both need to remember why you love each other to begin with, you've gotten to the point now that you say it because the other said it first, everything that you had at your first date is still there , you've just got to go find it again,

I dated a girl for 12years 5 yrs of marriage included but we went through the same thing about 6 or 7yrs in, and what you have described is almost word for word where I've been,
We just took a break for a while but still talked and saw each other, and then realized if we don't want to be together or where unsure , then why are we still trying to be together not just end it,. looks like your in the same situation I was.
I honestly think the girls still wants to be with you and I think she knows she's about to make a big decision with you in the future and she may be a little scared right now,

And let me tell you this, I don't think you like confrontation, its why she wears the pants, you just want her happy and if you have to take the shorter straw then so be it, and that's OK. Just don't get run over. But anyway there is a right way to be a little more tough then being rude or short with her. The easiest way to do this is in all that you do with her, whether it be talking or hanging out keep it more to the friend side, chill with the I love yous for now. Focus on why you fell for each other in the first place.

Lastly... stay under control, I think your letting your emotions get the best of you. Think before you act. Goodluck

I just wanted to say to everyone that is helping me with this hard time in my life, thank you! You guys are so great for taking time out of your day to help me out, and you advice is really helping me move forward with what I course of action I feel I need to take.

OK, so here's the latest update. I just want to say that, before I explain all this, I think I did really well! Go me!

OK, so, when I called her two nights ago to wish her happy birthday and ask her out to dinner, I told her to call me or that I would call her the next day (yesterday, her birthday), and she said she would definitely call me (this was said at the end of the conversation, see previous post). Well, yesterday I'm sitting at work and I get a text from her saying "What's up dude? I was a little drunk last night, haha! How's the day been?" Now, I saw that text message and thought, 'well, I knew she might try to do this - you know, try to play it off like she was so drunk that she forgot that she said she would call.' So I put my phone down and decided that I'm not going to respond to texts anymore because I feel like they are a cop-out. I feel like they are a way to deliver an ambiguous message, simply because you can't hear the person's tone of voice, and because of that, you can't get the "feel" of their words, know what I mean? So because texts are ambiguous, there can be multiple ways to take the words - they are basically just a "string along" tool. I just decided in my head right then that I'm done with ambiguous texts, and that if she wants to talk to me, she can call me. It's not that hard to dial 7 numbers. So, not even five minutes goes by, and she calls my job! I immediately thought 'haha! She knows that I'm not stupid, and that she does really remember saying that she would call, and so is now going through with it.' So we talked on the phone for a bit about what she did last night (two nights ago now). She said she just hung out at the bar she worked at and danced and got drunk. We talked and what's going on today (yesterday), and if she's got any birthday gifts, etc. Basically just light conversation. So, at this point I decided to end the conversation early, and told her that I have to get back to work. She told me that I should stop by after work, and that she and her friends are going to go out to get some Chinese food, and that I should come. I told her I would think about it, and that maybe I would stop by after work, but I had plans later on tonight to play music with my roommate (which was true). So she said OK, but that I should call her after work and come over, because she would at least like to see me for a little bit on her birthday. I told her that I might.

So I wait until work is over, and I don't call her immediately. I run to the bank because I needed to. Then I called her and asked her if she would like me to come by still. She said that I should. I said OK I'll be over in a bit. But I don't come right over. I take my time, go get some gas, run to the grocery store to grab a six pack and some things I needed at my apartment. Then I finally go over there, and I bring the six pack with me. But before I go up, I send a text to my roommate that is timed so that the response will come while I'm in there talking to her. Also, I had it set up so that one of my friends would call me while I was there too (he didn't know that though, I just set it up that way). So I go in, and her friends have decorated her apartment and everything, and are in the process of getting ready to go out. I give her a tight squeeze and tell her happy birthday, and offer everyone a beer. We just hang out for a while as her friends are getting ready, and talk about what's on TV and her birthday presents, and just random, inconsequential stuff. She tells me again that she was really drunk last night and doesn't remember it (a lie). She then tells me that they are going out to eat again and that I should come. I told her that maybe I would have if I had known about it earlier, but that I had plans for the night already to play music. Of course, I get the text and call back from my friends that I knew I would get, and basically just looked at them/answered and smiled as if I had something else fun to do or someone else cool to talk to. She figures out that it's my friend on the phone (who she is also kind of friends with), but she doesn't know who the text is from. She says what's up who's that, and I just say nothing, nobody. So then we sit around some more and drink a couple more beers. I ask her if she would still like to go out to eat and she says yeah, and that it would probably be more fun for us one on one. I tell her to pick a place then, and that wherever is fine, but it's her birthday dinner so I want her to go where she would like. So then I tell her I got to go, and she offers to walk me down to my car. I tell her she doesn't need to do this, but she wants to so I relent. On the way down she asks me "where are my birthday presents?" I was like "your birthday presents?" And then I said I would give her a little something (the card and gift card) when we go out to eat.

So then down at my car we hug. I tell her happy birthday again, and then she asks for a birthday kiss. I just kind of look at her like, uhhhhh, but then I figure, ah what the hell. So we make out for a minute or two. She then tells me she will text me and tell me how the Chinese place was. I tell her OK, that's cool, and I jump in my car and I'm gone.

So, of course the rest of the night rolls around and I don't get a text at all. I feel like texting her, but I don't break down and do it, which I'm actually proud of, Ahhh mind games. So not fun. But anyway, do you guys think I did the right thing? I think I did pretty well by keeping it short. It really seems like, for whatever reason, if I'm just kind of short with her and do my own thing, she seems to come after me more.

So here's my plan as of now. I will still take her out to wherever she would like to go on Sunday (tomorrow) night. Between now and then, I don't really think I will answer any texts - again, if she would like to be in contact then she can call me. Then on Sunday, I will take her out to eat, and act like it's our first date. I will and be all funny and nice (but tease her a little too) - basically the guy she fell in love with 4 years ago, and give her the card and gift card.

Homegirl, I've read your advice and I think it's good, but I don't think I should tell her anything about how I feel at dinner, but rather keep it fun. For one, I know it sounds lame but I don't want to make her upset on what is supposed to be her birthday dinner. I want it to just be a fun, awesome time, and not a time where we will get upset. Otherwise I'm basically just wasting my money on this dinner. Plus, I want to leave an impression in her mind, and then come around in the next day or two and tell her that we need to talk, and then drop the bomb. This way, when I break it off, she will think about the last time we hung out, which will be her birthday dinner, and remember that it was a great time, and she will wonder why she is giving this up. When I do break it off though, I am going to take everyone's advice and not issue an ultimatum at all. I am just going to tell her that I can't do this "break" thing any longer because it's really hurting me and affecting my life in a really bad way, and that I think we should just be apart. I won't say anything about "unless you want to get back together and work on our relationship." That, like many of you have said, is up to her. If she doesn't want to split completely, she will let me know, and if she doesn't care, then she is really gone anyway, right? It's weird, but I almost feel like I need to bring this whole thing to the lowest point it could possibly be, which is just a complete break and no more contact, and then see what she will do. But the question I have is, when I do break it off, do I bother asking her what she feels about it or if she has any input? I have a feeling she's going to just be really upset and cry, and tell me "fine, go ahead and leave" even though it's probably not what she wants, but who knows? I've been wrong before about what she would do. Do you guys think this sounds good? Sorry again for the book I've written!

You are still basing everything on how she feels what she thinks. you don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?
When you take her out to dinner tell her. She already knows you love her, just tell her that you're really tired of this and you think you should just end it.
If she wants you back, she will let you know. Stop allowing her to take you through all of these changes. She will keep you hanging on as long as you hang on. Let her be the one to stew a bit. Leave her. If she does nothing then you know she was gone any way.


Thanks Homegirl! Again, your advice is always great, and it's been the advice I've been trying to follow. I probably am still basing things on how she feels and thinks some, but I'm slowly just starting to realize that I need to do what's good for me, and I think what's good for me is to stop all these games because I'm tired of them, and just end it. But, I want to do it in a way that leaves a lasting impression. So, I don't think I should tell her when I take her out to dinner. I think I should tell her a day or two after that, so that when she reflects back on things, she will remember that dinner as being a great time, and perhaps she will even wonder why she decided to do this "break" in the first place (which I think she may be doing anyway).

I'm not sure what this means though:
You don't even know that she is waiting on you to "man up" So it today her birthday?

Does this mean you think she may be waiting for me to "man up" and just tell her it's over? Or are you just saying I don't even know that, but I'm just still focused on what she's thinking, and that it doesn't even matter because I need to "man up" and do it for myself?

I think she really is sorry for the whole thing. It seems that she's now getting paranoid that you'll leave her. You guys should really talk about it and find out where you both stand. It could be she made a genuine mistake by having the break! If thats the case you know she loves you, and has learnt a lot from the whole thing.
Talking about, REALLY sitting down and talking about it, should streighten it out. Good luck (^,~)


I think you are totally right about this. I get the underlying feeling that, when I'm not clingy and don't initiate texts or calls, that she feels like I'm slipping away and getting paranoid that I'm going to be done with this "break" soon, especially when I act like I've got other things to do. I mean, she has FREAKED out twice now when I've come to get my belongings, both times to where she was so upset she had to call me and tell me all about it (however the first time it happened I didn't answer her calls all day, but then she called my job the next day and I went over to talk to her on my lunch break - see main story). But as soon as I initiate a text or tell her that I miss her, etc. she gets all distant. But honestly, I've tried talking to her about it twice now, and both times she's given me the generic "i need to be by myself to figure out myself" and "I want to be with you but in order for me to do that I have to be apart from you" answers. See my main story at the beginning of the post about this as well.

Then again, it's been several weeks since I've tried to sit down and talk about it with her about the situation, but everyone else giving me advice thinks that she knows how I feel (I think she does too), and I don't need to keep reiterating my feelings because that's not doing any good. She definitely made a mistake with this "break" I think, and if she's starting to realize this, then isn't it kind of on her to own up to that and try to fix it? I would think so. I know she loves me, I mean the signs are all still there (mostly - I think she tries to hide them sometimes), but I didn't initiate this break or even want it and she knows that, so I don't think it should be me who tries to fix it any longer. I think I just need to be done with it, because it's killing me to wonder if we're getting back together, or if she's going to text or call, or whatever. And if I tell her I'm done with it, (but not issue an ultimatum like telling her to either get back with me or move on) then won't she either decide she's made a mistake or just get on with her life? I mean, don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to really sit down and really talk about this, but isn't it on her to do that, especially if I've attempted twice before and got nowhere? I'm not sure, help!

You have to remember through your desire to get her back that she cannot have it both ways. She asked you for a break. Fine, it's her life. But she cannot be trying to make you feel guilty for not being there for her in the same way as you were before.

She is definitely trying to do this - she was doing it on the phone with me just two days ago after I went and got some of my things during my lunch break. She was trying to make me feel guilty that SHE got upset that I came and got some of my things the day before her birthday. But, on the phone I was coolheaded and didn't really get heated too much in an effort to just kind of be like 'well F U. It's my stuff, I'll come get it when I want.' I mean, I told her like 10 times I wasn't out to upset her, I was just trying to get my things and move them to the place that I've been forced to live at now because I had to move out of her place.



She made a conscious choice, and now there are new boundaries. The onus is ON HER to communicate to you that she realizes she wants you back/she made a mistake/whatever and then you can choose whether to take her back. This is the situation. Don't get all caught up in these communication games and the guilt trips. Always keep the frame in your mind of what is really going on here.

This is almost exactly how I feel at this point. Because she created this break, she is going to have to deal with the consequences and the new boundaries that come about because of the situation. Up until now I haven't been really clear about the boundaries, but in a couple of days, I'm going to be crystal clear about them. I mean, we are still having contact, hugging, kissing, and occasionally hooking up. But I like what you said here. I feel like, until just recently I've been falling for all the communication games she's playing, and it was just making me feel terrible because I would constantly wonder if she was going to call or text, and then feel great if she did, but also feel like absolute crap if she did not. But I'm done with it now - I feel it in my heart that I'm just done with the games now because I can't live my life like this, and in order for me to be happy and move on, I got to put an end to it, and I feel like she needs to know that.



My advice is for you to move forward as if you are broken up, because you are. "Taking a break" is nothing more than breaking up with the dangling possibility of getting back together at some future date. In my opinion, the whole "taking a break" thing and the agony it causes people like you is a cruel byproduct of someone (her) not knowing what to do with her confusion. It is not her fault that she resorts to this, but it sucks nonetheless. You are absolutely right, and I do feel that dangling possibility out there, and the sad thing is I keep trying to grab for it, but I think I'm starting to realize I done doing that now because it's getting me nowhere. I mean, it's been two months almost. But, what IS getting me somewhere is filling up my day, acting like I'm almost too busy to hang out with her, and not calling her or texting her period, and keeping all our convos and contact short.

It kind of makes me really mad that she is doing this crap to me, but doing it almost unintentionally. She's apologized for the break so many times and for hurting me so many times I've just told her to stop apologizing for it already. It's like, sometimes I want to just yell at her for this, but then deep down I know that she's not out to hurt me on purpose, but that my suffering is a consequence of her wanting a "break." She just doesn't know how to handle the confusion she has in her life about us, her future, etc. so she's just kind of puts me on the side while she takes a "break." But the reality is, whether she's doing it purposefully or not, she is still doing it, and she has to know that I can't take it any longer, and I need to move forward. It's just so hard to do, because I would really like a life with her, but I'm trying to be real about it and understand that it's just not likely. Not impossible, but just very very unlikely.


You seem committed to the "dinner and soft ultimatum" approach. I agree with the above posters that she may be regretting her decision in your case, and if you truly think that it will put your anxieties to rest, I would at least totally take Homegirl's advice and just state how all of this making you feel and what you need to do as a consequence. Don't pose it in ultimatum form, is what I'm saying. Then, leave it. If she truly wants you to change the course of action that you're telling her you have to take, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, I would move forward in the days following and do the things that people do when they break up. Silently and politely get your stuff back, don't be her emotional sponge, and just don't feel guilt. You did not choose to take a break! You don't deserve to be in this horrible reactive mode, and if you're still getting jerked around after laying it out there, you have no reason to feel guilty for not being her emotional sponge. I am totally taking your advice here, except that everyone thinks I'm going to do this at the dinner, which is not something I think I should do. I think the dinner should be a fun, great night where we go out kind of like it's our first date, because I want her to remember this night when I tell her a couple of nights later that we need to talk. I've dropped the ultimatum part from the plan, and am just going to basically tell her how this break is making me feel terrible, and that as a result I'm just going to have to shut the whole thing down completely. I'm NOT going to tell her that she needs to decide to be with me or not, because if she wants to be with me, she will make this decision on her own and let me know, right? I'm just going to end it, and let her make the decision to come back if she wants, or to move on, but let her make this decision on her own. Then I plan on not really talking to her anymore, except for when I have to come get my things. Sound proper? Oh, and from the way she's been acting over the past couple of days, I do feel like she might be regretting her decision, but I don't think I should let this affect my plan, right? But your correct about the emotional sponge part. I'm not going to be her fall back any longer. Please let me know if you think I'm going about the correctly now!

Home girl is totally right, she is completely manipulating you and the situation. She sees this as a game. Another thing when you say goodbye if she says goodbye then hang up don't stay on the phone because it gives her power over you. "oh look at me I'm all upset and I want you to be upset with me" is what she is saying. You're totally playing into her trap. Tell her straight out that what she is doing is transparent and childish and tiring you out and that you feel you its a good idea to end it. Don't cry about it and keep a complete cold and straight face while you say it too. Now if she truly cares for you then she will come around. Good luck.


Thanks for the response! I feel like you are right in that she was manipulating the situation, but I've started to come around and take control of this thing now. I'm basically at the point where I think I've built up enough courage to start setting some boundaries with this girl, instead of being afraid I'll lose her. I've realized this because both my heart and my head have come to the conclusion that I have already lost her, and that I'm done playing games in the hope that I'll get her back. If she wants to come back, she will. It really really hurts me to feel this way though, but I know that it's what I got to do.

Also, on the phone during that conversation two nights ago when she said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and I was like "OK, bye" she immediately was like "Wait wait. Let me just calm down, I am upset." It's not like I was just sitting on the phone listening to silence and wondering if she would get off the phone. She pretty much immediately told me to hang on and explained that she was upset but did want to talk to me. So, maybe you are right, I should have just hung up, and I was about to until she told me to wait. If she had just said nothing for a bit then I would have just hung up. So is that a power struggle then? I mean, I am willing to talk to her on the phone if she wants to be reasonable and have an adult conversation, but yeah, when she says I'm being condescending and that she'll talk to me tomorrow and I say "OK bye," then yeah I probably should have hung up. But I don't know... you know? It was about to be her birthday and everything... but there I go being all wishy-washy again, which is definitely not good.

congrates on the longest running post. lol 5 pages, granted 1 of those is all yours. I have to agree with a few postees. You both need to sit down and talk this over and find out where you stand, obviously you both still have feeling for each other. I truely think theres a good chance this is just a phase the relationship is going through, youve been together for a while and things im sure get alittle old and predictable. You both need to remember why you love each other to begin with, youve gotten to the point now that you say it beacuse the other said it first, everything that you had at your first date is still there , youve just got to go find it again. Haha, thanks! I know, I talk a lot, but I like to type all this stuff out because it helps me get some perspective, and then I can go back and reread the posts to see how I progress along. Not to mention more details helps you guys give me better advice!

You are right. We definitely have feeling for one another still. The evidence is clearly there, and I can see it in the way she acts, and in the fact that she continues to contact me, and that we hug/kiss/hook up sometimes. I know it's there for me, because I feel it every morning when I wake up and she's not there with me in bed like she used to be, and I feel it all day long. Haha, why do you think I spend so much time reaching out to you guys on this awesome site? I feel like the problem is though, that my feelings for her might be stronger than hers for me, but I don't know as of lately, you know? I could be completely wrong about that, and I'm not going to lie, I've been wrong about the actions I expected her to take recently. I mean, last Monday I didn't expect her to call or want to hang out, and just play it off like she was drunk and forgot. But I was wrong. You can go back to the previous posts and see this. Also, yesterday when she texted me I assumed that she would not call and play it off like she got drunk on her birthday and didn't realize she even said she would. But hey, I was wrong about that too. She called like 5 minutes after the text. And so that makes me think, well maybe I'm wrong to think that when I tell her I can't play games anymore but I need to just end it, that she will just be like "fine, just go." I mean, who knows? Maybe she will be like "ok, I was waiting for you to do this, and I've decided to be with you." I mean, how do I really know what's going to happen? The idea that she might be waiting for me to do this and really wants to come back is probably far fetched, but I can't rule it out as a possibility. But back to my feeling for her seeming like they are stronger than hers are for me - I think it's all just the manner in which I perceive it. It seems that my feelings are stronger sometimes, and it seems like she is pulling away, especially if I'm giving chase, but then as soon as I do the opposite and start acting distant, her feeling seem to come out stronger. Which, to be honest, is so lame. All it is is a ridiculous game of emotional tug-of-war, and I'm really getting tired of it.

You know, I've really hoped that this was just a phase of our relationship together for weeks on end now, like you said. I just wished it were some kind of test in our relationship, you know? A kind of separation from one another so that we can grow closer together. After all, these were the reasons that she gave me every time I asked why she was doing this. And I believed them, and still did right up until about two days ago. But these reasons, when I think about them, seem so generic and lame, as if she got them from a movie or something. But, then again, she has reiterated the same reasons every time she's been asked, and really acts as if she believes them, so I just don't know. I have to take it as she says it and not read too much into it, because then I'll be in all sorts of mental and emotional trouble.


i dated a girl for 12years 5 yrs of marrage included but we went through the same thing about 6 or 7yrs in, and what you have discribed is almost word for word where ive been, we just took a break for a while but still talked and saw each other, and then realized if we dont want to be together or where unsure , then why are we still trying to be together not just end it,......looks like your in the same situation i was.
i honestly think the girls still wants to be with you and i think she knows shes about to make a big decision with you in the future and she may be a little scared right now. And see, that's exactly it. If she doesn't want to be with me, or is unsure, then why in the world are we on a "break" and not just broken up? That's why I feel like I got to put a stop to all this crap. As far as the big decision with me in the future, and being scared and all that, I don't think going on a "break" helps any of this. Yeah, we were going to move off to a big city together, and yeah, she told me when she started this break that she thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but needs to make sure of it, but going about it in the way she did was just completely wrong. In fact, it only makes it worse, because if we ever got back together now, I'm just going to have doubts about her ability to commit to me. Also, if we got together again, we would have to just take it sooo slow, and put all of this mess about moving off together, etc. off to the side right now. If she needed perspective and to be alone, we could have done this together, and I think I even told her that. I would have done this for her, I really would have. I would have just left her alone and not talked to her for as long as she needed, but I would still know that she was with me and wants to be with me. But the "break" has just pretty much ruined all of that.



and let me tell you this, i dont think you like confrontation, its why she wears the pants, you just want her happy and if you have to take the shorter straw then so be it, and thats ok. just dont get run over. but anyway there is a right way to be alittle more tough then being rude or short with her. the easiest way to do this is in all that you do with her, whether it be talking or hanging out keep it more to the friend side, chill with the i love yous for now. focus on why you fell for each other in the first place.

lastly ...............stay under control, i think your letting your emotions get the best of you. think before you act. goodluck Haha, you are right. I freeze up at confrontation. But see, I think this was part of the problem to begin with. Her "wearing the pants" and me taking the shorter straw just because I was happy being with her is not OK, because that probably took some of the interest/excitement/tension out of the relationship that really should have been there toward the end, and probably for the entire relationship (well it was more so there at the beginning, but at the beginning I was wearing the pants and she was doing what I wanted to do). I see this now, but didn't realize it at the time. I think doing what I was doing is just putting her on a pedestal, which I see now as being wrong. And I haven't been rude to her at all, at least I don't think. Even when she thought I was being condescending on the phone to her two nights ago, I don't think I was. I was just being "matter of fact," which she didn't like because I wasn't getting upset like she expected me to. I have, however, been short with her, which I think might be a good thing, because it's getting a rise out of her, and it shows her that I'm not pinning over her or being at her beck and call anymore. Right? Also, each time we've hung out I've been nothing but friendly - but I don't want to overdo this, because then she might think 'well, OK I'm not his girlfriend any longer, but he still wants to be friends with me, which is an OK alternative.' I do not want this to happen. I don't want her to friend zone me, because that would just suck. Maybe down the line, if things don't work out, OK then yeah we can be best buds, but not right now. Am I wrong in all of this?

Does this mean you think she may be waiting for me to "man up" and just tell her it's over? Or are you just saying I don't even know that, but I'm just still focused on what she's thinking, and that it doesn't even matter because I need to "man up" and do it for myself?

Yes this is what I mean, you're still focused on what she is thinking, and you need to man up and do it for YOU, not what you think she may be thinking.

OK so a lot has happened since her birthday.

Saturday night (night after her birthday) she sends me a text saying that she is sick and has a fever, though she seemed fine on her birthday when I stopped by. I had asked her to go out to eat with me on Sunday for her birthday, and she said she wanted to (see previous post). So, when I got this text I got pissed and thought she was just making it up to blow me off. I called her and I didn't sound too happy on the phone - I could hear it in my own voice, but I was upset and couldn't help it. She did sound sick on the phone though (turns out she actually was - verified by one of my friends and myself later on in the week). I kind of let it slip that I thought she was blowing me off, and she got all upset. I ended up apologizing for second guessing her (my thinking that she was trying to blow me off was completely based on emotions), but I let it be known that I couldn't help doing that because of the whole "break" thing, and that my second guessing her is a consequence of the situation (even though I shouldn't have let my emotions get all involved - that's why I called her in the first place). I told her that it's harder for me to trust her now because of it. She then said she hasn't given me any reason not to trust her during all of this. I responded with, "yeah, except for the break itself." The conversation got to a low point where she started asking me what I wanted - I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend, that's all I've ever wanted this whole time. She gave me the same "in order for me to know I want to be with you I have to be alone right now" response that she's given all along. Then she said "I know it's my fault, but I haven't really had time to think about it yet because I've been going out drinking, and being distracted by my roommate, etc." This really pissed me off because I was thinking 'In the two months this bull$#!t has been going on you haven't sat down to think about it once?' But, I didn't say anything about that. Somehow the conversation turned into her asking me what I was supposed to do now - just forget about her, move on, and she would be screwed? I told her I didn't want to do this on the phone, but I turned the question around on her and asked her if that was what she was trying to get me to do, or if that's what she really wanted. She said no, and sounded sincere about it. She finally calmed down and we talked about what I was going to do tonight. I told her I might go to a club with some of my friends. She said "Have fun getting laid tonight" all upset-like. I asked her "what makes you think I'm going to go do that?" and she said "I don't know." She calmed down again and we finally ended the conversation for the night.

Sunday I felt bad and called her to see how she was doing. I told her I was wrong for assuming she was trying to blow me off, and that I hoped she was feeling better. I was also calling to see if she wanted to go out to eat still, but she said she was feeling like crap and just wanted to sleep. She said maybe I could come over and just hang out/watch TV if she felt up to it, but it ended up that she was just not feeling well that night. She said I could come over, but I probably wouldn't have fun just sitting there while she was sick. I agreed. So she just ended up going to bed early.

Monday I called her again to see how she was, and to ask her if she needed anything. She didn't answer. She called back later but I didn't answer because she didn't answer the first time. She sent a text later asking "what up?" - I didn't respond to that either. I called her back later and tried to make the conversation short. We talked for a couple minutes about how she was feeling. She said somewhat better but still kind of sick. I tried to get off the phone after about 10 minutes, and she said "What, you don't wanna talk? You just called!" She didn't say this angrily or anything, but just all happy and jokingly. I told her I just wanted to call and check up on her, and that I was playing video games with my roommate, but I didn't mind talking a little bit longer if she wanted. So we just chatted about random stuff, and when I told her I needed to go she started getting all upset. She told me that she loved me, and I was just like "Oh, you do?" And she said "Yeah..." as if she wanted me to say it back. I relented and told her I loved her (which is true, I still do, even after all of this crap). Then she said "Are you mad at me?" and I told her, "Well, I'm not absolutely furious right now, but I'm definitely not happy with the situation." She told me she was sorry for all of this. Then I told her I had to go, but I could tell she was all upset. She sent me a text like an hour later that said "I'm sorry, I know I suck." I didn't respond to it.

Tuesday I called her and texted her after work, telling her that I needed to come by for more of my stuff (really just an excuse to go see her). She didn't answer, so I went over and went inside. I looked in her room, and she's asleep on the bed. I didn't want to wake her, so I started getting my stuff as quietly as I could. I loaded up my car and was about to leave, but then she came out onto the porch saying hey and telling me to come up. She told me sorry, she didn't see the text or get the call because she was asleep. She was definitely sick though, I could tell by the way she looked, and she had medicine and tissues laying all over her bed. I told her I was just getting some of my stuff and was about to go, and she said "But you just got here. I thought you might want to hang out for a little bit." So I said that I would. We just chilled on her bed and hugged, and I gave her a back massage because she said her back was hurting (she actually told me this a few days earlier and thought it might be the cold she had that was doing it). She told me she missed me and I was just like "Oh yeah?" and she was like "Yeah," but I never said I missed her back, even though I really do. She told me that she was sick of having her bad influence roommate there constantly (see main story), and was looking forward to having her go out of town from Sat. to Thurs. She was also looking forward to dinner on Fri. I decided to leave when her roommate came back, and she told me to text her when I got home so she knew I got there safe. So I did, and she sent me a text back a while later saying that she was on the phone with her dad, and sorry for the delay, and that she would like to make me a good dinner one day (we had talked while I was there that all I've eaten for like a week was pizza). I didn't respond to that text.

Today I get to work, and the district manager was there. I had asked him last week if I could transfer to a store closer to my place. He said he would look into it, but today he said he needed to know if I still wanted to by next Wed. I got really upset then because I saw it as a further separation between my ex and I. I would no longer be coming out this way every day, so I couldn't come see her if she wanted as easily. I kind of freaked and texted her that they wanted me to make a decision about transferring by Wed, and that I really needed to talk to her (about what, I'm not even sure now. I think I wanted to ask her if it was OK, and to make a decision about us so that I could feel like I was doing the right thing). She said she would call when she got free time if I wanted. I managed to get a hold of myself and text back that it's OK, she didn't have to call. I then texted that I've pretty much already made the decision, but that I don't have to be sure until next Wed, so I might sit on it for a few days, but she could call if she would like to. She did, and we chatted about Halloween stuff, and what costume she was going to wear to work (she's a bartender) etc. I told her I might come bother her during my lunch break, and she said that would be cool, but I didn't go over. She also mentioned a few times that I could stay at her apartment tonight if I wanted, but I don't know. I'd only really want to stay there if I could crawl into bed with her.

I don't know guys, I feel like I'm not doing so well as of late with this. Some days I think I've come to a conclusion about what to do, and others I can't decide at all. Do I take her out to dinner and then tell her either that night or soon after that I can't do this "break" crap any longer? Or do I continue to work at it? Or do I just completely shut down all communication with her? I mean, if I tell her I can't do it any longer but don't issue an ultimatum, I feel like that would be good because I can tell her how I'm feeling and how this is hurting me, and then just be done with it and see if she will come back to me. But then again, she continues to tell me she loves me and misses me so I feel like I need to work at it some more, but at the same time I don't understand this because she clearly hasn't taken any time to think about what she wants to do, and I can't sit around forever waiting. But I do love her, and still want to be with her, and I want her to know this. And if I just cut all communication with her, doesn't that make me out to be a complete @$$? And that would be so hard to do... but I want to choose the best way so that she misses me so much and wants to come back! What do I do to make myself appear sexy to this girl again, so that she's attracted to me once more (if that's even possible now)? I mean, if I did it one time, I should be able to do it a second, right?

Please help! What do I do now? I feel like I've just dug a deeper hole for myself...

Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?

Before I read the rest, I do remember once some guy “claimed” his ex came on the site and “she” verbally went back and forth. I called shenanigans. Let’s say she did happen to run across this website. The moment she asks for a break you own her nothing, and if that means you ask for advice to better yourself or your situation that’s both none of her business and her loss for not sticking with someone who attempts to better himself. The moment she asked for a break is the very moment this became about YOU and has nothing to do with her. Right now the focus is on you, and your strives for betterment.

I loved her (and still do) very much,
The good thing here was you recognized that you loved her as opposed to saying “We loved each other” as I usually see. You can only speak for you. Which leads me too…..


and we were great together.

You thought you were great together. She felt differently.


We hardly ever got into fights, and when we did, I always tried to diffuse the argument or end up blaming most of it on myself (which was not the right thing to do, which I see now, but these low points were rare, so anyway...)

You are already a few steps ahead of me. You never give in. NEVER. The reality is woman start fights for several reasons and one of them is to see if your “man enough” to stand up to her. To a woman if you don't fight back then you are weak, and a woman doesn't want a weak man.
Also, woman like drama, and fighting is one way for them to liven things up. My point is that when men argue we do to reach a conclusion and move on, when women do it……sometimes, it's a test of your manhood.


We did everything together. We hung out every single day, and spent every night together unless she had to go out of town or something like that, and we had fun practically all the time.

You must have a life of your own. When your with her all the time, then you become the puppy dog that does every thing she says. Women want surprise and when your around all the time that isn't a surprise. Women want mystery and when you there, she has no mystery or time to think about you.


She then says that she's been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and wouldn't do this to us if she didn't really think it would make us better off in the long run.
I think she was lying and had been thinking about this for more then a couple of weeks. Months perhaps.


So of course I lose it and start to cry, and I tell her that I love her so much and that I don't think we need a break. I say that I can't believe this is happening, but that I understand if it's something she needs to do for herself, and if this is what she needs to do then I guess I have to be OK with that. Then I ask her if there is someone else like 5 times, to which she responds no each time, telling me that she wouldn't do that to me,

Having not read the rest yet, let me just say that I believe that is something she would do to you. In fact to say she's breaking up is exactly saying she is thinking about moving on even if it's not at this moment.


and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't want to go on a "break" but would just want to end it completely

She's full of something, because she has four years invested in you and you're a sure thing so there's no way she would end it completely for a non sure thing.


So then I say well, if we are on a break then I can't stay at the apartment, so I call up my best friend who lives about 30 minutes away, and luckily he is cool enough to let me move in with him. She then tells me that I don't need to move all of my things out because even though we are on a break it is only going to be for a little while (she is saying all these things through tears of course).

Of course. Women are emotional, they can turn this stuff on, but why would she be so emotional if she was ending it? In other words she was faking so that you wouldn't be mad, but rather have sympathy for her even though you were the one getting screwed.


She basically told me that I only need to bring enough things to stay for a short amount of time. So after a few hours of both of us just hurting and crying, we decide that I will spend one more night at the apartment and then the next night I will start living at my best friend's place. That night was so hard. We hardly slept and just held each other very tightly in bed all night long, with her crying off and on through the night.

So she literally dumped you and used as a her crying towel. I know it's hard as hell, but the moment she said you break you should have given it to her.


The next day I go to work and feel like crap, and when I come home, we do some more crying and hugging,

Okay, I realize this was weeks ago, but you can NOT cry in front of a woman when she dumps you. They think of that as weak. I'm not going to BS you and say don't cry but don't do it in front of her. They hold that BS against you even though they lie to your face and say “I want a man who is not afraid to cry.”


and then she gives me some groceries and things she bought me to take with me. We then kiss passionately as if it will be the last time ever, and then I'm on my way. She is texting me the whole time, telling me to let her know when I got there, and other things like "she hates herself for doing this" and that she "thinks she is an idiot" and that I am so awesome for understanding and giving her space.

I would have simply wrote what you just wrote as “The entire trip to my new home after being dumped after 4 loyal years, she texts me with various messages leading me on and toying with my confused emotions.” Pretty much what you wrote, on with a different tone. She didn't respect you at all, by doing that….in fact it borders on cruelty.


I think it's also important to note that I noticed while I was at the apartment getting things that one of my ex's girlfriends who used to come hang with us and spend the night a few nights a week (she works with my ex but lives kind of far away), who I think is a bad influence on her, has sort of moved in and is basically crashing there every night. She moved in probably a week after I left. This girl is kind of a flirt and drinks heavily, and has probably hooked up with most of the guys at their job. I don't totally dislike this girl, but before this "break" thing I was feeling frustrated with her because she was at our apartment all the time and I felt like she was taking time away from me and my (ex) girl. But, I dunno, maybe my ex just needed someone to be there with her.

Now we are getting somewhere. You ex saw the lifestyle of adventure this girl had and want to give it a try. If the novelty wore off she wanted you for the back up plan.


I had moved all of my clothes out of my closet and she sent me a text saying that my empty closet made her cry. I didn't respond. She called. I didn't answer. She sent me a text later that night saying she was upset all day and that I completely ignored her and she didn't get it. I didn't respond. She called my job the next day upset and I told her she wanted a break and that I was trying to respect her wishes.
Gold. You gave her exactly what she asked for.


She said she wasn't, and was thinking she wants to get back with me, but needs more time.

She was flat out lying to you. She sensed that you were getting tired of her game and were pulling away so she pulled out her ace in the hole (joke intended, I'll be here all week) and had sex with you to keep you interested.

I am so confused guys, I just don't know what to do now. I loved this girl with all my heart for 4 years, and I still do. I care about her so much and I just can't wrap my mind around why she would want to go on a "break." The sad thing is, when she told me all the reasons for wanting to go on this break, I believed her, and I wanted them to be true, but I keep having doubts. I also thought that it would maybe only last a month at most, but here I am at 5 weeks and then some, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I really just want her back. Please help!

We will get into this as I read more but she is PURPOSELY trying to confuse you. She's leading you on, and she knows exactly what she's doing.

Well I hope you're going to do the transfer, that would be a good move. She is still very much in control of the situation and you seem to be the only one suffering. She is getting comfortable because she knows she can leave you in limbo and you will stay there.
I think you need to just break up with her.
If she wants you, she will make the move. If she doesn't, you will know where you stand.

It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time. Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone. She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon.

Another excuse to call and keep you hanging on.



I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then. She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, ya know? Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time), but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.


You just said it. She created this situation. Women understand, think, and use emotions better then you, I and any other guy. That is there built in defense mechnishm. She is controlling you through emotions. Everything she does she does with this intent in mind. You say that she loves you, but I say that she is using you for her own warped sense of excitement and as the safe person she can run to when she gets burned by somebody else.

Right on. I've been Chuffed! Thanks so much man! Your advice and comments are definitely harsh, but absolutely true, and whether I like it or not it is EXACTLY what I need to hear right now. So keep it coming if you can, and if you have time. I know my posts are long and I'm not trying to take up too much of everyone's time with them, but I just get on a roll and feel like I shouldn't leave out anything.

Give her more time. If you truly love her and want to be with her, then give it a little bit longer. Or you could simply ask her how she feels about the relationship, if she wants to break up permanently then its going to be hard, but youl have to accept it.

Give her more time. If you truely love her and want to be with her, then give it a little bit longer. Or you could simply ask her how she feels about the relationship, if she wants to break up permenantly then its going to be hard, but youl have to accept it.


We are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow night, and I was hoping to get up the balls to have an enjoyable dinner with her, but then afterward go to her place and get into the relationship stuff. I had planned on asking her how she feels about it and where she's at, but then also tell her I just can't do this break any longer because it's killing me inside. I don't know, right thing or wrong thing to do?

Firstly I would saw to you, Go to this dinner with her, be civil and just chat about things you used to, ask her what she's been doing lately, how she is etc. At the end tell her you've enjoed the evening with her, tell her how you'v been feeling. Don't pressure her in any way. If she's positive about the relationship don't get into the sex, touching or whatever unless she instigates it. At the end of the evening kiss her on the cheek and wish her goodnight.

Firstly i would saw to you, Go to this dinner with her, be civil and just chat about things you used to, ask her what shes been doing lately, how she is etc. At the end tell her you've enjoed the evening with her, tell her how you'v been feeling. Dont pressure her in any way. If shes positive about the relationship dont get into the sex, touching or whatever unless she instigates it. At the end of the evening kiss her on the cheek and wish her goodnight.


This is pretty much what I had planned on doing at dinner. Just a fun dinner, no pressure, just chatting (mostly about her). But yes, at some point I'm going to have to tell her how I feel about all of this. I don't plan on pressuring her, or telling her she needs to make a decision about us, or anything like that. I just need to tell her how this break is making me feel, and that I don't really think I can do it much longer because it's hurting really badly. I need to just tell her that this is no longer a break but a break up (which it really pretty much is anyway). If she wants me still, then she'll let me know, right? I didn't really want to do this at the dinner itself, but maybe afterward if she asks me to come up to her apartment and hang out, or if not, sometime next week. But doing all of this - it makes me feel like I'm being strung along by her. It's like, I can kiss her on the cheek every time I see her, but I don't think me being there and being all affectionate is going to help her miss me, you know? Which is really what needs to happen. She has to feel that ache for me to want me again I would think, because otherwise, with me being around all the time and talking to her all the time, it's like nothing is different except that we aren't a couple anymore, and she can go do what she likes and not feel guilty about it, and just use me as a fall back plan in case she realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side. Right?

Go to your dinner, make it nice and casual and then later have your talk. Lay it on the line. Tell her how you feel, tell you you cannot keep doing this, that she needs to make up her mind. Then end it. Like I said before, if she wants you she will let you know. She will also leave you in limbo for as long as you allow it.

Go to your dinner, make it nice and casual and then later have your talk. Lay it on the line. Tell her how you feel, tell you you cannot keep doing this, that she needs to make up her mind. Then end it. Like I said before, if she wants you she will let you know. She will also leave you in limbo for as long as you allow it.

Do I really tell her she needs to make up her mind? Or should I just end it, but not give her the ultimatum to make up her mind, and assume that she will let me know if she wants to be with me? I mean, she knows my # and knows where I live, and could easily call me or come over if she changes her mind.

Yeah, I'd tell her she needs to make up her mind decide what she wants, but tell her in the meantime, you guys are through because you love her but you can't take the stress and don't deserve this.
She will know where to find you.

Oh and also, her birthday is coming up next week. She mentioned that she would like to hang out sometime next weekend. What do I do? What should I get her?

I know this was a few weeks ago but you should have got her nothing and a lot of it. You can not start rewarding her behavior with gifts.

Thanks, I've really been trying to do this! I've been playing music with my room mate (my best friend who was cool enough to let me move in when the crap happened) and a drummer that we know. I've also been trying to go for runs when I can to keep my mind off things.

All the above are good. I’d recommend setting your running goals at a higher. Either more distance or time in an attempt to work out some the stress and it helps you focus on something else.


It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time.

Well you are dealing with two problems at once. You are dealing with the first problem of feeling the loss of the break up and the second problem is hoping it works out. Those two high intensity emotions can’t really work together. You have to claim one, in which this case you have no choice; it’s the loss of the relationship and deal with that. It has to be like someone dying and going through that. But unlike when someone dies, you don’t keep seeing them and essentially punish yourself some more. So you have to accept this as a loss and go in that direction. You can’t hope this pain will go away if you keep seeing her.


Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone.

The old “I’m going to drunk dial someone while sober so they think what I’m saying is what I really how I feel but something I would never say in real life to keep them interested” trick. It’s basically designed to keep you interested and hope that her feelings she would never admit to will suddenly mean something now that you think she has an interest she doesn’t normally speak about.


She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon.

Man, I didn’t even read this sentence before I wrote what I wrote above. It’s moments like this I’m happy say, “girl you ain’t fooling anybody.”


I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then.

WRONG. You should have told her that if she wanted she could call you back at another time and set up time after that when she could take you out. I said take YOU out. After all she claims to love you in the drunk dial so this should not have been a problem for her.

In reality this would start throwing her own game back at her. Suddenly instead of you following her lead and taking a time when she offers it, you offer her the opportunity to prove herself to you, not the other way around, by calling you back sober and then by setting up a time that is convenient for you at that time.

I’ll be honest, her game isn’t that good. But she’s a least playing a game. Your game is non-existent. You follow every lead she throws at you because you don’t want to upset her. That’s your male logic brain working. But if you don’t stand her down, she will keep this up for as long as you allow it. All you have to do is quit giving in to her and allowing her to call all the shots.

In this example, I’m not suggesting you be rude to her or even turn her away, you just make her come to you at a later time, and then at that time you will set up a later time for HER to prove HERSELF and her words as true by taking YOU out. You haven’t lost anything, but you have gained new ground in that you

a. Stood up for yourself
b. Defined yourself as someone that does NOT need her.
c. Given HER something to look forward to by calling you in the future
d. Made her prove her words
e. Provided her with some responsibility under your control.
f. Possibly get a free meal out of this (which is always a way to please the Chuffster).


She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, ya know?
But it did what the whole thing was designed to do. Keep you wondering and guessing. Keep you off your toes and thinking about her, and keep her in control.


Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her

In a rare Chuff move, I’m stopping you in mid sentence. Let me be clear, she’s full of sh*t. She doesn’t love you, because if she did she wouldn’t have dumped you to begin with. Furthermore if the break up was a mistake, and we give her the benefit of the doubt on that, then why does she CHOOSE to punish (and that’s what this BS is, it’s punishment) you with all this emotional games but not follow through. Because this isn’t about love. Don’t ever speak for her, I don’t doubt you love her, but don’t ever speak for her feelings because you can not understand or know them.


when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time),

Exactly. YOU have the feelings of love towards her so you want her to feel the same way. What you want and what is real are two different things.


but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.

Exactly, again. She created this situation so she could end it by coming back to you at any time. It’s all in her hands, she has complete control. It’s time that control switched around. As I said her game isn’t that good. The problem is you don’t even realize she’s playing the game. But once you do, you can counter some of this easily by simply standing up for yourself and pulling away from her. Hell, look what happened when you pulled away last time, she opened her legs. You didn’t even know what you were doing that day and you still beat her at her game. Like I said, her game isn’t that good. You just have to wake up and realize that you involved in it.

Chuff once again some great insights. I think the bit where you say that she should take HIM out is crucial. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Many guys don't realize that women aren't the only ones that should be qualifying in the relationship. Where is yourself worth? You know? It's like you have to realize that YOU are #1 in this deal man. She broke your heart, she has to be the one to swoon you. Otherwise what's happening is this;

"I (your girl) broke up with you and now I want you to do what I say."

That's insanity. I'm going through a similar situ. I will tell you this Mr. Freakingconfused, I'm going through something that is farther down the timeline of a breakup. I'm 6 months after. She just contacted me and wants to be friends. I can guarantee you I will not be the one to say "let's go hang out" or "when will I see you". There is no chance of that. Even the whole friendship thing (if it even happens) would have to be her putting in more effort to gain my trust again (since she was the one that ended it initially). Don't be her lapdog, and never, ever ever ever say I miss you or I love you again, unless through some near miraculous event, you over a lengthy period, learn to trust her again through her maturing and effort filled venture into getting you back. Good luck and try and play some local gigs, man form a band. Women love rockers.

I know this was a few weeks ago but you should have got her nothing and a lot of it. You can not start rewarding her behavior with gifts.

I actually haven't given her anything yet! I still have the card and gift card. I was going to give it to her when/if we go out to dinner tonight. But maybe I shouldn't then? She sent a text this morning to me telling me that either tonight or tomorrow night is fine with her to go out to eat. She told me to let her know, and I did. I told her tonight was good. But she hasn't even texted back yet, so I don't know if we are even going. She's totally just playing games. I'm sick of this $#!t. I feel like texting her or calling her and just being like "you know, I've tried to take you out to dinner for a week, and you don't even seem like you want to go, so if you ever do why don't you just call me." I don't know, I just really need to drop this girl because I don't want to play games. But then again, if there ever was a possibility of getting her back, I would have to play them, right? Ugh. I'm such a freakin newbie.

Look, look this is tough love man. Umm it looks like you didn't even read the rest of Chuff's post nor mines. It's like you ignored them almost. You are still playing into her. You're letting her dictate everything. Look how with a simple lack of a text message she turns your world upside down. To get her back you don't play her games, it's the reverse man. You need to realize that. You have to gain the control of this situation. My advice to you, this needs no contact time. You need to cut her off and, believe me, if she wants you she will come around. The fact that you have "tried to take her out to dinner for a week" and she keeps dancing around it makes it seem like she may even be enjoying the torture she is causing. The only way this could be more obvious is if she mailed you a leash with an inscription saying "my pet". Where is yourself esteem?

Chuff once again some great insights.

Thank you.


I think the bit where you say that she should take HIM out is crucial. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Many guys don't realize that women aren't the only ones that should be qualifying in the relationship. Where is your self worth? You know? It's like you have to realize that YOU are #1 in this deal man. She broke your heart, she has to be the one to swoon you.

Exactly. She did this to you. You didn't do this to her. Talk is cheap make her back it up, if she says she loves you then she should have no problem proving it. Enigmagnetic has also pointed out something great. YOU are number 1 in this NOT her. You have to put yourself ahead of her at all times and quite honestly you have the right and you deserve to do so after what she has done to you. [/QUOTE]

Look, look this is tough love man. Umm it looks like you didn't even read the rest of Chuff's post nor mines. It's like you ignored them almost. You are still playing into her. You're letting her dictate everything. Look how with a simple lack of a text message she turns your world upside down. To get her back you don't play her games, it's the reverse man. You need to realize that. You have to gain the control of this situation. My advice to you, this needs no contact time. You need to cut her off and, believe me, if she wants you she will come around. The fact that you have "tried to take her out to dinner for a week" and she keeps dancing around it makes it seem like she may even be enjoying the torture she is causing. The only way this could be more obvious is if she mailed you a leash with an inscription saying "my pet". Where is your self esteem?


Your right, I know, and I totally read both of your posts at least 3 times! Thank you so much for the advice. I know I need to just switch the game up on her, or just not even play them and completely not even talk to her anymore. You guys are both right in that respect. But as far as the immediate situation goes, if she does contact me and want to go out, do I go? I mean, if she doesn't contact me, then clearly I'm just going to say F it and go home and go out with my friends and not even bother to attempt to take her out ever again. But if she does, then what? Do I go, and take everything she does and says tonight through the filter of game playing? Do I go through with telling her I'm not doing this break crap anymore and we are just done? Or do I not even touch that and just go out to eat, and then not talk to her anymore? Thanks again guys!

Umm basically mate, you don't even need to be talking to her. You are ex's! That means what you had is over, finished. In a few weeks she will probably having hot, sweaty pumping action with another guy.

Time to get a life without her. Stand up for you and your life. HAVE some self - respect!!

How about you stop asking yourself "what do I do about HER now?" and you ask yourself "what can I do to improve myself to make sure this won't happen again?". What I would do is leave it where it is. If she again stands you up, do not call. If she calls you do not pick up or call back. You do it for at least a couple months and then see where you stand. I hate to say this but the only way you're going to make a good decision is by emotionally disconnecting yourself. You won't do that with her until you give yourself some time away from her.

Ok well she just texted me asking what the verdict was about tonight, and if I'd rather go out to eat tonight or tomorrow night, basically asking which one was better for me. Then she threw in there that her bad influence roommate was going out of town tomorrow instead of tonight. I'm not sure what that has to do with us going to get dinner, other than to say she doesn't really want to go and would rather go hang out with her roommate. I don't know what else that could mean other than that. I just sent a message back saying "Tonight is better for me, but if she and her roommate had plans to go for it." Then she sent one back saying "Well tom would be better because I'm working right now and if we wanted to hang out afterward by ourselves we could, but if you can't do it tom then tonight is fine. U tell me." I am sending one back that says "OK, I'll tell you. I'm sick of trying to take you out to dinner and having it get pushed back every night, so just F it. You wouldn't have even brought up your roommate if you didn't want to hang out with her anyways, so just forget about it." Good? Or no?

You're again allowing her to emotionally control her. When you show her that you're perturbed she is winning. What I would do is I would say, "Well it seems you're really busy and it's rather hard to do this so don't worry about it, no big deal". I guarantee you that would drive her bananas. If she does text you back and says that she wants to go out then tell her to set the time and the place and that you'll "consider" it. You got to get power over yourself back.

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Let it be I was in a four year relation ship it started in 2000 and then my boyfriend told me he wanted a break in 2004, I was in my senior year my grandam had just passed away and my dad had just gotten a brain stroke. So we gave ourselves a two month break and in Sep 15, 2004 he called and said it was over he found someone else. I now what you feel I literally had a hearth ache. Until this day I'm not over him and I still cry for him but then I get angry because I allowed him to hurt me I should have just broken up with him when he decided it, I should have not waited. So just keep this in mind let her have time if she really loves you then everything will work out if not then get over her before you get obssed, like me and can't get over her. I still talk to his family but I can't forget him I still have all his letters, teddy bears and a ring he gave me. And when ever I meet someone new I compare them and if they are not better than him I won't bother. Save yourself.

Let it be i was in a four year relation ship it started in 2000 and then my boyfriend told me he wanted a break in 2004, i was in my senior year my grandam had just passed away and my dad had just gotten a brain stroke. So we gave our selfs a two month break and in Sep 15, 2004 he called and said it was over he found someone else. I now what you feel i literally had a hearth ache. Until this day im not over him and i still cry for him but then i get angry because i allowed him to hurt me i should of just broken up with him when he decided it, i should have not waited. So just keep this in mind let her have time if she really loves you then everything will work out if not then get over her before you get obssed, like me and can't get over her. I still talk to his family but i can't forget him i still have all his letters, teddy bears and a ring he gave me. And when ever i meet someone new i compare them and if they are not better than him i wont bother. Save yourself.

You should try and get rid of all that stuff you have of his. I don't think you've made a conscious "choice" to let go. That is why you are perpetually in pain IMO.

You're again allowing her to emotionally control you. When you show her that you're perturbed she is winning. What I would do is I would say, "Well it seems you're really busy and it's rather hard to do this so don't worry about it, no big deal". I guarantee you that would drive her bananas. If she does text you back and says that she wants to go out then tell her to set the time and the place and that you'll "consider" it. You gotta get power over yourself back.


OK, it's done. I sent something back that basically is that message. Lets see what happens now

OK, it's done. I sent something back that basically is that message. Lets see what happens now

That's good, but ideally, my recommendation was that you stop contacting her altogether. You just have to become strong enough to avoid being controlled like this in the future. You also need some emotional disconnection to evaluate whether logically it even makes sense for you to be with her. Good luck.

You are an effin genious! She texted back like 30 seconds later like "No no! I'm not really busy I'm just saying IF tom was OK with you it might be better but I can do din tonight" Ok, so what should I say now? What if I say "why don't you go out with your roommate tonight, and then you can pick a time and place for us to eat, and I'll let you know if that's good for me." Good? Then after this, I can hopefully move on to NC, because she will likely just drop the whole dinner stuff altogether if I put it on her. But first I got to deal with this situation.

Sigh, well I feel the jedi mind tricks might work in your situation, but can you really be with this girl? I mean look how easy it is to manipulate her and how easy she has manipulated you. You guys are still young and you need space. Now take a deep breath and really think about whether you want to go down this road. How old are you two anyway?

You planned to take her out, do it and then have your talk with her.
Don't play one up games, it's childish. Take her out, have you talk and be done with it.

This is what it is;

Indifference is key. You wield it like a sword. You're shield is your logic. If you really want to this the right way you will just not give her any control. You show no emotional disturbance. You always are composed and you become aloof. She's playing little girl games. You have to realize this will probably not change for a while. If you drop your sword or shield she will gain control and your conundrum in all likely hood will resurface. Does this make sense? It's not a healthy situation. That's why most of us have told you to back off. Let's say you get back with her, then what? Do you think she will magically change to this loyal person who doesn't play games? It won't happen if you cave in. I agree with Homegirl 50, though. Undoubtedly it will drive you crazy if you don't find out for yourself. So if you must go out with her, text her back saying this essentially;

"Well I do have some plans tomorrow so it would be hard to do, so it would have to be tonight otherwise no go. Let me know when and where and we can make this happen."

Wait a while before you respond though. If you still have time, then wait until after she gets off work etc. You have to make HER sweat now, like she has been making you. You have to regain the control. Then like homegirl says when you go out, you have to be a MAN. You have to basically say listen this is what I want etc etc etc, then say if it doesn't float your boat then I'm sorry hun but I'm too much a good guy to sit around and play your little girl games. Basically stand up to her and be forward.

Sigh, well I feel the jedi mind tricks might work in your situation, but can you really be with this girl? I mean look how easy it is to manipulate her and how easy she has manipulated you. You guys are still young and you need space. Now take a deep breath and really think about whether you want to go down this road. How old are you two anyways?

I'm 25 and she's 24.

You should try and get rid of all that stuff you have of his. I don't think you've made a conscious "choice" to let go. That is why you are perpetually in pain IMO.

Believe me I have tried and it still hurts I have so many memories and I only wonder how can he forget me so easily.

Beleive me i have tried and it still hurts i have so many memories and i only wonder how can he forget me so easily.

You haven't really tried if you still have all his stuff. I mean really try, make a bonfire out of the stuff he gave you and then tell me you've tried. He forgot you because he made a conscious decision to move on. Something you haven't done. You have a choice, you can either prolong and create a continual pain or you can take the blunt of it and get over once and for all. I go for the second option considering it is the most healthy. You got to move on. "There is no try only do" I think Yoda said that. HAHA two Starwars references in one post, nice...

You know this girl better than we do. A lot of advice is given based on their experiences with their gf/bf.
I don't believe in second guessing a person and playing games. You are in pain and you want it to end. Be yourself, go out with the girl and then tell her how you feel, but also break up with her and go on with your life.
If you two are meant to be, it will happen.

You haven't really tried if you still have all his stuff. I mean really try, make a bonfire out of the stuff he gave you and then tell me you've tried. He forgot you because he made a conscious decision to move on. Something you haven't done. You have a choice, you can either prolong and create a continual pain or you can take the blunt of it and get over once and for all. I go for the second option considering it is the most healthy. You gotta move on. "There is no try only do" I think Yoda said that. HAHA two Starwars references in one post, nice...



Okay maybe your right but I'm afraid after I do that I will regret doing that. See after we broke up six months later he contacted me and we made a mutual agreement to be just friend maybe he felt bad for what happen to me. So we went to the movies and I still remember the movie we saw it was "Coach Carter" and neither one of us made a move but I wanted to but I hold back well we still talked for about a month later then we stopped talking and in the "break" we had the only thing I would dream about is him knocking on my door saying I love you lets get back (he was my neighbor). I finally decided to move I could not go to any restaruant or even the beach with out remembering him, (I used to live across the street from the beach) so I moved up to sacramento. Its been 3 years and I'm still in love. Or I don't know if I am cause sometimes I hate him for doing that to me, after all he swore in each letter he loved me.

Okay maybe your right but im afraid after i do that i will regret doing that. See after we broke up six months later he contacted me and we made a mutual agreement to be just friend maybe he felt bad for what happen to me. So we went to the movies and i still remember the movie we saw it was "Coach Carter" and neither one of us made a move but i wanted to but i hold back well we still talked for about a month later then we stopped talking and in the "break" we had the only thing i would dream about is him knocking on my door saying i love you lets get back (he was my neighbor). I finally decided to move i could not go to any restaruant or even the beach with out remembering him, (i used to live across the street from the beach) so i moved up to sacramento. Its been 3 years and im still in love. or i dont know if i am cause sometimes i hate him for doing that to me, after all he swore in each letter he loved me.

And you won't regret spending years alone and realizing much later that he isn't coming back? You're obsessed and more than likely just in love with an idea of him. The real him left you long ago. The real him barely talks to you. The real him never attempts to make you feel better. The real him has let you suffer for three years. You don't see that what you see is cuddly little teddy bears he gave you. Make a conscious decision to change and move on and it will happen. Like the sun rising.

And you won't regret spending years alone and realizing much later that he isn't coming back? You're obsessed and more than likely just in love with an idea of him. The real him left you long ago. The real him barely talks to you. The real him never attempts to make you feel better. The real him has let you suffer for three years. You don't see that what you see is cuddly little teddy bears he gave you. Make a conscious decision to change and move on and it will happen. Like the sun rising.

Well you know I will do that I have swore over and over again that I will get over him and won't cry anymore. Im only 20 I'm going to be 21 in July I need to get over him. Well I know this is out of the blue but you seem to have knowledge and I need a question answered pronto. Can you look under pets then under dog so you can see my question what do you think about that.

Well you know i will do that i have swore over and over again that i will get over him and wont cry anymore. Im only 20 im going to be 21 in july i need to get over him. Well i know this is out of the blue but you seem to have knowledge and i need a question answered pronto. can you look under pets then under dog so you can see my question what do you think about that.

Yeah go to school and get further and improve in life and it will work out. Honey I know nothing of animals :( I haven't had a pet in 6 years. I'm sorry. Google it. LOL, I will tell you what I'm flattered you think I have knowledge. I just am speaking from my experiences. It's trial and error at this point haha.

Yeah go to school and get further and improve in life and it will work out. Honey I know nothing of animals :( I haven't had a pet in 6 years. I'm sorry. Google it.

I am I have such a busy schedlue so I don't even know how I had time to sit and express my feeling. Well thank you for the advice and wish you luck. See you

Sorry about your problem. Sounds like you're really hurting. My feeling on this is that your girlfriend doesn't know what she wants. Seems like things were OK until you moved in; maybe she's not really ready to move to a "big city" and live together. Honestly, it sounds like she wants the relationship to end, but is afraid to let go; hence the calling you all the tme. I think you should sit down, and talk to her face to face. Ask her what it is she wants from the relationship, if indeed she does want a relationship. If she wants a "break", tell her it should be a break - no calling every day. Tell her she needs to make a decision. Five weeks is a long time to be left hanging. I don't think it's fair to you, for her to call you every day, but then push you away when it's convenient for her. It' hurts, and will keep on hurting. Don't answer the phone EVERY time she calls, like you're just waiting sitting around waiting for her to call. Hope things turn out okay. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason - it may not be clear right now, but later it will.

No offense but why is Lopezma thread stealing? Post your situation in new thread.

Okay, I have just read what happened yesterday, and first let me say enigmatic is on fire with this advice. Second, you are sort of coming around, but you are still not getting "it." You are following her lead, instead you should be taking the lead. She gives you this decision to pick one day or the other, and you had already picked it. Again, your playing defense in her game and you are still taking her out no matter what she says. When she sent you that message that said "I want to go out tomorrow when my room mate is not here" (and let's cut the BS that's what the message said) you should have told her "I'm actually busy tomorrow and something just came up for tonight, so why don't you contact me next week and set up a time that would be good for YOU to take me out."

Again, I'm going to keep repeating this, she's toying with you, she's playing a game... and her game sucks. Her game is so obvious to everybody but you. But if she wants to play the game, and you want to keep talking to her then I highly recommend you beat at her game, and truthfully it won't be that hard. You just have to start recognizing that when she starts pulling this BS you back off and call her on it. I don't mean directly say "You are playing a game" but instead show her that you have other things to do and won't be available anything she sees fit. In the example above I suggest that if she gave you two options after you already committed to one, then you back off from both them. Screw her. If she can't back up her word (assuming there was not some real emergency) on what night you can take her out then her word isn't worth anything, and quite honestly it's not anyway as she has already proven.

So make her call you and set up another time that would be good for her to take you out. If she starts to get upset, throw it back at her. Very calmly tell her that you ddn't think somebody who loved you (her words hold her to them) would have a problem calling you later in the week and setting up a time when she could take you out. If she whines some more (and she will or shut up completely because you are turning this around on her) very nicely tell her that you are surprised by her acting like this as you held her to a much higher standard and trusted her word. What is she going to say to that? No, her standards are low and her word doesn't mean anything (which it doesn't). Of course not, now you are playing her game AND beating her at it. Now you are taking the control back. The one good thing you have going for you is, that be taking her BS for so long she isn't expecting you to stand her down. So start doing it. Don't get angry with her (and she might with you to keep you in line) but just start pulling back and demanding more from her.

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freakinconfused, how is it going?

I am pretty much going through the same situation with my girlfriend. Seems like actually the same... keep us posted :)

freakinconfused, how is it going?

I am pretty much going thru the same situation with my gf. Seems like actually the same....keep us posted :)

Hey guys - things have been really up and down with this whole situation, and I haven't been on here in a while. I planned on updating everyone with the full story sometime soon, but instead of boring you guys even more with all the nitty gritty details, I've decided on a short version. Well at least it's short to me. Here goes:

I tried to go out to eat with her last Sat. night, but she tried to push it to Sunday (I knew that SHE knew that I wanted to talk to her about where we stand, which is why she kept trying to avoid it. I even got her to admit that). I got fed up with her. She called, and told her that all I was trying to do was take her out to dinner, but it kept getting pushed back for whatever pointless reason, so just F it, it was totally pointless and a waste of my time. I didn't really yell any of this, I said it relatively straightforward as if I meant business. She got upset and told me that she would be home in 20 min (she was out with her roommate) and then we could go. I told her F that, I just don't even want to go anymore because it wasn't going to be fun at all. She told me to at least come over to talk to her. I said if she really wanted to talk, I would come over. I get there and we talked, and the gist of it was that I'm not here to attack her or issue an ultimatum, but that if she needed to break up with me because it was something she needed to do for herself, then I have to not talk to her anymore because it's something I needed to do for myself to help me move on. I said that it hurts too much for me to wonder if she's going to call me, or want to come back, etc. I told her we need to call this break what it is, a break up. She came back with "well, what did you think this was?" That made me angry, of course, but I know she said it in this way to push my buttons. I told her that's bull$#!t because she was saying crap at the beginning like I didn't have to move my furniture out, and that it would be back soon, etc. I told her all she was doing was dangling the possibility of getting back together in front of my face. I asked her if she wanted to explain herself better, and she told me that, with the exception of her freshman year, she had been with me in college. She said that we had gone out and partied and stuff, but she never really did the "college thing" because we stayed in a lot, which was fun and an easy thing to do, but she felt like she was missing out because she was still young. I thought that was kind of bull because we definitely went out and did stuff. Also, when she said that I started thinking 'well what the hell is the college thing? Go out and be a drunk slut and hook up with other guys every night - basically act like your roommate?' She also said that she would rather be apart from me now and do this now rather than us move off somewhere or be married and then she wanted to do it. I agreed with that, but I also said that she could have just told me all of this instead of just dumping me. I said I would have done whatever she wanted, you know, move out, talk less, or whatever, as long as I knew she was mine and that we were together. So I got fed up with her crap, and I told her I was sick of playing games, and that I really just didn't want to hear from her anymore unless she was contacting me because she wanted to work on getting back together. She said she really thought she did, but didn't want to set a date or make promises or anything because that would be stringing me along. I also told her I'm tired of text messages, and that if she wants to call me she can dial 7 numbers. She told me she loved me and missed me, and I basically just told her she needs to show it then. She said that she did by inviting me to her birthday - I told her that she also invited all of her friends to her birthday as well, so that was a lame way of showing it. She begged me to at least go to dinner before there was NC and I told her fine because I really wanted to go out with her and have a good time, which is what I was trying to do the past week, but we'll go when I feel like going.

Stuff happened between then and last night, but it was mainly her calling me and texting me. I didn't respond to any texts because I wanted to be a man of my word. I would let her call about 3 times before I even bothered to pick up, and then left the convos short.

So I decide that we go out to eat last night (Tues night). I made it clear though, that I want this to be a date, and she agreed. We actually had a really good time, you know, laughing, talking and all that. It was almost like we were just starting over and going out for the first time. I teased her some, and let her just talk about herself and what she's been up to. I broke down and gave her the card and gift card that I've had since her birthday. I told her next time that, if she wants to continue to work on us, she needs to take me out. She said that would be great, or maybe she could make us a nice dinner or something. We finally got back to her place and hung out for a bit. I told her I had to leave in a bit, but then she asked me to stay over. I freaked and wanted to leave, but at the same time I wanted to stay. I called my best friend, and he said just roll with it. He said if she was wanting me to sleep on the couch, then leave, but if she was wanting me to sleep with her, then stay. I told her that I didn't want to stay if it was just because she was going to be lonely tonight, but I wanted to stay for the right reasons, which was because she wanted to work on "us." She swore to God that is why she wanted me to stay (she's will NOT swear to God unless it's true - I've tested this throughout the years. Maybe it's changed now, but that's really just one of those things that I don't think she will change). I said OK. So, of course, she was all snuggling up on me and laying her head on my shoulder - this was all stuff she was doing, I didn't try any of this first. When we made to the bed she initiated a make out session which turned into getting it on. We slept in the same bed, and it was good. I loved waking up next to her like I used to.

Ok so here comes the bad part - while I was taking a shower this morning and she was doing her hair, and I decided to ask her - and I felt like I needed to know - if she had done anything with anybody else. She asked what that meant. I said that means "have you had sex, made out, etc. with anyone else since we've been apart." She nervously told me she hadn't had sex with anyone else, but that she had made out with someone else. I got extremely hurt inside because I hadn't done anything with anyone else, and I had absolutely no desire to, but I didn't show that I was upset. I asked her if she would tell me who it was, but she said that would just be too weird - it's probably either someone from her work or a regular that comes to the bar she works at. She was honest with me at least, which was good, and I told her I'm glad she was honest with me. She could have just lied, and she even told me that she was going to just lie, but wanted to be truthful with me. I told her if she had lied and we got back together and I found out about it later, I would have never spoken with her again because she's already damaged my trust in her. I told her this though and she agreed and said that's why she didn't lie to me. She asked me if I had done anything - I told her no, and that I hadn't really wanted to. I asked her if she was drunk when it happened - she said no. I honestly would have been less upset if she said yes. She told me that I could believe her or not, but when she was making out with this guy, all she thought about was me. I asked her why she even did it then, and she said "because I just wanted to know, you know?" Then she said something like "well you could too if you wanted." Man guys, this really just crushed me when she said these things, because I really thought she was wanting to work on us - which maybe she is now, but knowing this has made things so much more difficult, and so I almost feel like it's just too late now. Then she went on to say that I was just going to be all mad at her now, but that I had asked and got an answer. I told her I'm not mad, just upset, which is true, in some ways. I mean, I can't be furious because it's not like she cheated on me because we aren't going out, but it really upsets me because I just know that she does not feel the same way about me as I do about her. If she did, she wouldn't have done that. She just wouldn't have. But me telling her I wasn't mad was really just a lie on my part. I actually am really pissed. So I tried to keep a smile on my face and told her I had a good time last night, and started to leave for work. She told me she loved me again, but I didn't say anything back, and then she was all hugging me and about to cry and stuff, and she told me she would be calling me tonight. She tried to kiss me a couple of times and I sort of returned them, but all I could think about was "eww, this mouth is tainted now." I jumped in my car and peeled out of her parking lot. I'm not sure that I'll answer though when she calls tonight. I mean, for me that just really sealed the deal. I just don't know if I could ever consider being with her again now. I mean, yeah she made out with someone - it's not like she got laid, and it's not like it's multiple people that she's been with (at least I think, but who Fing knows now), but I mean if she really did love me still like she claims, then I just don't know why she would do that. Why am I wasting my time with this chick still. Why?

You knew all of this a while ago, but didn't want to deal with it. You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done. I think you need to justlet her go completely.

You knew all of this a while ago, but didn't want to deal with it. You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done. I think you need to justlet her go completely.


Yeah, you are absolutely right. I mean, if she had any integrity, or even cared about me like she really says, then she would have at least waited until things were sorted out with me before going out and making out with someone else. I stayed over because I really wanted to believe that it was for the right reasons, and that we might be working on "us" this way, but now that I know what I know, I realize she is just completely full of $#!t. I didn't want to believe it before, but now I don't have any choice. I'm done with this b!tc#.

You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done.

Actually, I think I partly disagree with this. I shouldn't have stayed, but had I not stayed, I wouldn't have found out what I did this morning. Finding this out has pretty much just made me not want to talk to her or deal with her anymore. I mean, I always sort of suspected something, but I really had no proof, and I didn't want to act out on random feelings. But now that I've got the words from her mouth, I don't have to speculate any more, and it gives me a solid reason to not deal with her any longer.

What to not deal with?

I don't get you. She needed "space" and asked you to move and break up.

She finally wants to get back together with you. She loves you. You love her. She dealt with some issues. It would have been good if you would have gone out and done the same.

Its just a kiss guy... you weren't together... get over it.

I feel that you just wanted what you couldn't have and now that you have it again... are looking for an excuse not to be with it.

What to not deal with?

I don't get you. She needed "space" and asked you to move and break up.

She finally wants to get back together with you. She loves you. You love her. She dealt with some issues. It would have been good if you would have gone out and done the same.

Its just a kiss guy... you weren't together.... get over it.

I feel that you just wanted what you couldn't have and now that you have it again... are looking for an excuse not to be with it.


She does not finally want to get back together with me, otherwise why wouldn't she come out and say it? She even said yesterday "Just because tonight was fun and you are staying over...this doesn't mean we are getting back together tomorrow or anything." What she wants to do is continue to string me along until whoever it is she's making out with either turns into a boyfriend or doesn't work out. That way, I'm there as a fall back plan. Have you even read this whole thread? She says she loves me, but she doesn't do anything to act on that really. For example, if she loved me, she should have no problem saying "Hey, I realize I made a mistake by breaking up with you, and I'm really sorry for it, and I hope that you can forgive me for it, and maybe we can start over as a couple. Take it lightly, go on a few dates, enjoy each other's company again, build our relationship back up, etc. etc." But no, she's never said any of those things at all. Yeah, that might be a difficult thing for her to admit to, but if she can tell me that we are splitting up, then she can tell me she wants to get back together. Also, why would she go make out with someone else when we hadn't come to any sort of conclusion about our future? She didn't just give someone a kiss. She MADE OUT with someone, and she wasn't even drunk or anything. Hell, telling me she "made out" was all about her - a way to get guilt off her chest, not to be honest or help me. For all I know, she really had sex with someone else and just changed it into "made out" just to feel better about it. And if she wasn't drunk or anything, then that means her inhibitions weren't even lowered. She made a perfectly conscious decision to do this. If she had (or I had) said "OK, I don't think this is going to work out, we probably don't need to get back together," and then gone and made out with someone and I found out, I would be a little upset yeah, but wouldn't have been angry because I knew we weren't getting back together, and that she was moving on. But what she's done this whole time is string me along as if we WERE going to get back together, and then just go make out with someone else in the meantime. I suppose I could have done the same, but I really do love this girl, and I just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do unless we had come to some sort of conclusion as to whether we wanted to work on getting back together, or just call it quits.

What I've wanted this whole time is my girl back, but I don't have her back. I still just have the possibility of getting her back. Yeah, that possibility seems greater now, but it really just seems like she's trying to continue playing games and keep me in her pocket. Have her cake and eat it too. I think what it really is, is that she is afraid or doesn't know how to just let me go, because she isn't really ACTING like she wants to come back, but just SAYING it. She SAYS she wants to, but she does not ACT like it. These are two totally different things. To me, words don't mean $#!t without some definitive action behind them. She knows this, I've told her this. I don't see her showing up on my doorstep apologizing and asking to have me back. Hell, she's come to hang out with me where I live TWICE since this break up. I've hung out with her at least 4 or 5 times where she lives since then. I mean, it's totally on HER to do this, and she knows that as well. I've told her that. I know it would be a hard thing for her to do, but $#!t, it was hard for me to just live for the past 2 months. I feel like all I hear are words but don't see any effort behind them, which is why I think she's full of $#!t.

I think you need to leave her alone. You are still not able to handle being around her and she truly didn't do anything wrong. If some beautiful women came up to you and wanted to have sex with you when you were not with her would you be the devil for doing it? No you would be human and a luck 1 at that lol j/k. Even though you didn't deal with anybody else doesn't mean she didn't or couldn't you could have and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and haven't gotten past it. You shouldn't even be spending time with her until you are clear and free in your head.

She does not finally want to get back together with me, otherwise why wouldn't she come out and say it? She even said yesterday "Just because tonight was fun and you are staying over...this doesn't mean we are getting back together tomorrow or anything." What she wants to do is continue to string me along until whoever it is she's making out with either turns into a boyfriend or doesn't work out. That way, I'm there as a fall back plan. Have you even read this whole thread? She says she loves me, but she doesn't do anything to act on that really. For example, if she loved me, she should have no problem saying "Hey, I realize I made a mistake by breaking up with you, and I'm really sorry for it, and I hope that you can forgive me for it, and maybe we can start over as a couple. Take it lightly, go on a few dates, enjoy each other's company again, build our relationship back up, etc. etc." But no, she's never said any of those things at all. Yeah, that might be a difficult thing for her to admit to, but if she can tell me that we are splitting up, then she can tell me she wants to get back together. Also, why would she go make out with someone else when we hadn't come to any sort of conclusion about our future? She didn't just give someone a kiss. She MADE OUT with someone, and she wasn't even drunk or anything. That means her inhibitions weren't even lowered or anything. She made a perfectly conscious decision to do this. If she had (or I had) said "OK, I don't think this is going to work out, we probably don't need to get back together," and then gone and made out with someone and I found out, I would be a little upset yeah, but wouldn't have been angry because I knew we weren't getting back together, and that she was moving on. But what she's done this whole time is string me along as if we WERE going to get back together, and then just go make out with someone else in the meantime. I suppose I could have done the same, but I really do love this girl, and I just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do unless we had come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not we wanted to work on getting back together, or just call it quits.

What I've wanted this whole time is my girl back, but I don't have her back. I still just have the possibility of getting her back. Yeah, that possibility seems greater now, but it really just seems like she's trying to continue playing games and keep me in her pocket. Have her cake and eat it too. I think what it really is, is that she is afraid or doesn't know how to just let me go, because she isn't really ACTING like she wants to come back, but just SAYING it. She SAYS she wants to, but she does not ACT like it. These are two totally different things. To me, words don't mean $#!t without some definitive action behind them. She knows this, I've told her this. I don't see her showing up on my doorstep apologizing and asking to have me back. Hell, she's come to hang out with me where I live TWICE since this break up. I've hung out with her at least 4 or 5 times where she lives since then. I mean, it's totally on HER to do this, and she knows that as well. I've told her that. I know it would be a hard thing for her to do, but $#!t, it was hard for me to just live for the past 2 months. I feel like all I hear are words but don't see any effort behind them, which is why I think she's full of $#!t.


I'm glad that you had that sorted out. I've read the WHOLE thread. Just misunderstood that last part.

Good for you.

I think you need to leave her alone. You are still not able to handle being around her and she truly didnt do anything wrong. If some beautiful women came up to you and wanted to have sex with you when you were not with her would you be the devil for doing it? No you would be human and a luck 1 at that lol j/k. Even though you didnt deal with anybody else doesnt mean she didnt or couldnt you could of and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and havent gotten past it. You shouldnt even be spending time with her until you are clear and free in your head.


I think you are right, I do need to leave her alone. Furthermore, she needs to do ask I asked her to and leave me alone, and yet she continues to call and text. I'm not the one initiating contact at all. I didn't even really want to go out to eat with her, but she was almost begging me.


Even though you didnt deal with anybody else doesnt mean she didnt or couldnt you could of and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and havent gotten past it.

Exactly - I could have, multiple times, and chose not to. I'm not a bad looking cat, and I can probably get some tail anytime. But, out of respect, I wanted to make sure we were either done, or moving forward together before I did anything like that. But, if she really and truly loved me like she keeps saying, then why wouldn't she choose to do the same? I mean, I can't speak for her, but what the hell? That comes across to me as 'she does not feel the same about me as I do about her.' And so my only choice from there is to just be done with it... which, I know, I've tried to be for several days now, but things like this make it a whole lot easier.

It irks me even more that, a couple of weekends ago when I sort of argued with her and thought she was faking being sick she told me to "have fun getting laid tonight," all pissed-off like when I told her I might be going to a club. And I mean, I know she didn't go have sex with someone, but she's out there making out with some dude. What the hell! I feel like such a moron for wasting my time trying to get her back, and almost feel stupid for wasting my time with her for the past 4 years... but I mean, I didn't know this was coming so I guess I can't be that upset with myself. And also, now that I know this, how does this help me trust her any better? This really just makes the trust factor hard because, well she didn't lie to me and was honest (at least I think, she could have just stopped with making out and not told me anything else that may have happened), which gains a little of my trust, but the fact that she would just be comfortable with making out with someone doesn't help at all. It just sends all the wrong messages, on top of the whole 'lets break up' message.

You two were not together. Don't get upset with her because she was moving on and you weren't. This what she told you she wanted. "A break"
You know where you stand now, you've heard it from he mouth. I know it hurts, but get over it and move on.

Freak this girl is emotionaly abusive. You need to get some balls and leave her alone. She is just playing mind game with you and taking advantage of your kindness. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking you for granted. For some reason a lot of women like men who are jerks. When they have a nice guy like you, these type of women will just walk all over you which is exactly what she seems to be doing. The sooner you start ignoring her and not answering your phone and texting her back the sooner she going to wake up and chase you down. Trust me on this one I am a woman around her age I know these games. Don't call don't text. If she calls you or texts tell her that since you wants a Break I want to give you your space so I think we should stop talking so you can have time to think. Call me when you have a defintate answere as to what you want to do. This will shock her and she will either wake up and realise what she has in you or she may never call then fine that means she was not meant for you. You need to be strong and make this stand and see how she will react. I can almost predict she will be shaken because she is used to you kissing her a*s and wanting to be with her. Try it works almost every time.

I think if she was really hot for him she would not be talking about the "Break" jazz

She is not emptionally abusive. She broke up with him and he never accepted it. We have been telling him for the longest he needed to get on with his life. She did with hers.
No point in calling her names and getting mad at her now.

What he needs to do is leave her alone and get on with his life. I don't think she is playing games with him. He has just finally gotten a clue

Freak this girl is emotionaly abusive. You need to get some balls and leave her alone. She is just playing mind game with you and taking advantage of your kindness. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking you for granted. For some reason alot of women like men who are jerks. When they have a nice guy like you, these type of women will just walk all over you which is exactly what she seems to be doing. The sooner you start ignoring her and not answering your phone and texting her back the sooner she going to wake up and chase you down. Trust me on this one i am a woman around her age i know these games. Dont call dont text. If she calls you or texts tell her that since you wants a Break i want to give you your space so i think we should stop talking so you can have time to think. Call me when you have a defintate answere as to what you want to do. This will shock her and she will eigther wake up and realise what she has in you or she may never call then fine that means she was not meant for you. You need to be stong and make this stand and see how she will react. I can almost predict she will be shaken because she is used to you kissing her a*s and wanting to be with her. Try it works almost every time.


I agree with both you and Homegirl 50, but since the other night when we had our talk (see the above post Soldout), I have actually left her alone. I really have. I have made this stand - that's what our conversation last Saturday night was about. I have taken everyone's advice and finally told her that she doesn't need to text/call any more unless she has decided she would like to work on moving forward together - basically what you just said. If she doesn't call, I would know what the deal was (even though I've pretty much got it now), but I would have at least had time to clear my head and move on since then. In between the time we had that talk (last Saturday night) and today, she has texted me about 4 or 5 times, called about the same amount of times, maybe a bit more. Hell, she even texted me this morning when I got to work, and before I even left for work she told me she would be calling tonight. I've ignored all of the texts because I told her texts were bull$#!t and she could call me if she really wanted to talk, and answered the phone calls only after she had repeatedly called me (which I think was only one time or two that I've answered out of all the calls). Even then I kept the conversation short. Yes, we went out to dinner last night, as a date, which was planned last Saturday (actually she wanted to go Sunday or Tuesday but I decided Tuesday would be better) and yes I stayed there last night, etc. etc. (see above post again) and she did seem to kind of be coming around. Yet, when she told me about her making out with someone, I just kind of felt my stomach drop out. I even said to her when she initially broke it off, and had this little deal with myself that, if she was with someone else at any point in what I thought was a "break," then that would be it. And so it is. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it now. My head says 'just F it, forget about her' but my heart is having a harder time doing that... but that's the way it goes I guess.

To all of those reading my thread whose story is roughly identical to mine, good luck! Read Chuff's, Homegirl's, enigmagnetic's, and clarityseeker's advice, and just LEAVE HER ALONE, and if you just can't, then flip her game around on her. This is really the only chance you have to get her back if it's going to happen. Just freakin' ignore her, be gone, vanish. I know it seems like the wrong thing to do, but trust me, it's the exact thing to do. And I know everyone reading my thread at this exact point will say "this seems like it might not apply to my situation and it isn't the right thing to do in my case," but trust me, it is. It really is. Either she will come around, or she will not, but at least you will have your head clear and will start to move on either way.

I wish you some peace in all of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I hope now you will be able to move on.

I wish you some peace in all of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I hope now you will be able to move on.


Thank you, I really think I will. And thank all of you for all of your help with this! I am so lucky to have people that don't even know me who are willing to listen to my problems and help me work through them, as well as give really good advice. It really is just an awesome act of kindness that I don't know if I'd ever be able to repay you guys for! Thank you so much!

I'm not going to lie, it tears my heart up even now to think about this situation, but given the information that I have now, I think I can stop listening to my heart, and really start to listen to my head - and my head is saying "Just don't talk to her any more. Just leave it, leave it, leave it. Move on. Work on making money, your body, your health, your friends, the things you like to do. Work on you!" And so now, I think that's what I'm going to go do. But don't you avid readers be fooled, I will still post updates on here if there are any worthwhile updates, and perhaps pop in on some other threads to give some advice to those who are going through the same thing but are a few stages behind me. Also, if anyone has been following along with my story, please feel free to ask me any questions if you want, and I will try to answer in a timely fashion! Ugh, I think this whole situation has literally caused me to get sick, again! Oh well, I'll live! Peace. Oh and Chuff, you Fing rock.

Good luck and thank you for the update, freak

I think I have to do what you are doing too then. Thanks a lot

Lets get healed together haa

The twist on my story is that my girlfriend cheated on me March 2006 and I just found out about it Oct. 18th. At first I was pissed, but then realized that I loved this girl and wanted to make this work. We started hanging out after a week and things seem to be better than ever. Apparently I was the one that was happy or pretending things were ok, but last week my girlfriend told me we needed a break.
Sorry for intruding on this thread, but I just need some help.
Why don't you post a queston telling about your relationship so you can have you own thread. Ths on is freakinconfused

Why don't you post a queston telling about your relationship so you can have you own thread. Ths on is freakinconfused

Here is his Post

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/girlfriend-4-years-just-told-me-we-needed-take-break-149349.html

good luck and thank you for the update, freak

I think I have to do what u r doing too then. Thanks alot

Lets get healed together haa

You know it! Let the healing begin folks! Ha, she just texted me now as I was writing this! Screw that. Texts are worthless... not going to answer! Not even going to answer if she calls either. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about changing my number altogether... I'll sit on that idea for a bit and see what happens. Peace!

You know it! Let the healing begin folks! Ha, she just texted me now as I was writing this! Screw that. Texts are worthless...not gonna answer! Not even gonna answer if she calls either. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about changing my number altogether... I'll sit on that idea for a bit and see what happens. Peace!

That is what I was going to suggest. If she keeps calling you just change your number. Unless she is ready to be serious there is not need for her to keep calling you. She is the one who needed a break so she should leave you alone and enjoy her break. She will regret palying mind games with you. Its simple its either she wants to be with you or not. She just wants to keep you in limbo to have an emotional hold over you. Don't let that happen. You don't deserve that. You are a young guy there are plenty of beautiful women who are serious about finding a good guy and you will meet someone new who will treat you with respect. It sound like you are making a stand now. Good for you!

That is what i was gonna suggest. If she keeps calling you just change your number. Unless she is ready to be serious there is not need for her to keep calling you. She is the one who needed a break so she should leave you alone and enjoy her break. She will regret playing mind games with you. Its simple its either she wants to be with you or not. She just wants to keep you in limbo to have an emotional hold over you. Dont let that happen. You dont deserve that. You are a young guy there are plenty of beautiful women who are serious about finding a good guy and you will meet someone new who will treat you with respect. It sound like you are making a stand now. Good for you!

Right on! Thank you! Also, you are absolutely right. Last night when I was typing that message she texted me, saying some crap about some movie she was watching and then to say that she enjoyed dinner the other night. I didn't respond to that, and she sent the same message again like 20 minutes later, and I didn't respond to that. Then she called my phone at like 1:45AM when I was trying to sleep and left a voice mail saying that she just wanted to tell me goodnight and that she enjoyed dinner. Not going to respond to any of that because she's already told me in person she enjoyed dinner like 3 times, and I really don't need to hear it a bunch more times. I know she enjoyed dinner, so did I. We told each other that in person already. I just didn't enjoy the morning after. She's just trying to string me along again, even after I've asked her not to text or call unless she has decided that she messed up by dumping me. Hell, even then she should not be calling but coming to my apartment and explaining herself. Probably never going to happen I know, but that's really the only thing that would come out of her mouth that I think I would be willing to listen to anymore... Oh well!

Ok, well here's an interesting update. I'm sitting at work just now and I hear a voice that sounded like my ex's voice say "Is **** here?" The computer tech who sits in front of me was like "Uhh, yeah?" and looked all confused because he knows that I'm trying to move on and have NC with her, but he didn't want to lie. And lo and behold, my ex walks back to my repair bench.

I was kind of shocked, but I didn't act that way. I immediately put on a very flat, neutral, aloof demeanor when I saw her walking back. I asked her what she was doing here. Turns out she brought me some Airborne (effervescent vitamin tablets) because yesterday morning when we were getting ready for work (during the time when I found out she had "made out" with someone) I mentioned to her that I felt like I was getting sick again. But I'm no fool. Her bringing me medicine was just an excuse to come see me because I didn't answer any texts or calls yesterday. She's just trying to reel me back in.

We talked about random stuff for a minute, and she mentioned it seemed like a lot of techs were working (I'm a computer technician, if you haven't figured that out already). I told her tomorrow we will have even more because we hired a new guy - my replacement at this store because I'm transferring to a store closer to where I live. She then immediately asked when that was happening. I told her a week or two. She then started talking about how her roommate got a job and will be moving back home - which I thought was great, because her bad influence will be removed, but I'm not ignorant either - I know it still won't change our situation.

She then started talking about a job with a beer company that she might apply for. I told her that was great, I'm sure they would probably be able to find her a job in the big city she plans on moving to, but if not, I'm sure she could get one around here as a backup plan. She then said she had to run to work, but told me to answer my texts. I told her no, that texts are stupid. She said well then why didn't you answer your phone? I told her because she called at 1:45 in the morning, and because it ran out of battery. I then motioned to my phone, which was sitting behind me, plugged in and charging. She was like, "No it wasn't! I got you - it rang so that means it was on, otherwise it would have went straight to voice mail." I was like, well maybe I fell asleep and rolled over on it then and then it died later on - which I thought was hilarious because that is one of the excuses she used when she didn't answer her phone several nights ago. That night, several nights ago, she had called like 3 times and I finally answered and told her I would have to call her back in like 10 minutes because I was in the middle of something (playing Halo 3, ha!) She said OK, but then didn't answer when I called back, and then gave me the above excuse as a reason for not calling back. When I used the same excuse she was like "What, do you think I made that up or something?" I was like "No, of course not. I'm just teasing you." She finally had to go to work after that, but told me she would talk to me soon.

I just don't understand what all these girls are thinking :P

THey are making the situation complicated.

If they love their boyfriend, just get back together. Why do they need a break/space to think?

You can love a person and not want to be with them, ergo the struggle. And sometimes a person needs a break to re evaluate things. There is obviuosly something going on with her. Maybe she is having doubts. But this is what being young is about. Discovering who you are and who you want to be with.

My girlfriend of 4 years is facing a lot of problem at school. All the sudden she told me she is confused and needs a break. Yes, she is young, 22 and I am just 26 last week.

However, we are still seeing each other, phoning each other. I tried to stay NC but she keeps calling then I started call her back again. Every time I asked her about our relationship, she said she is really busy at school and doesn't have time to think carefully about our relationship. I was like... But I am sure she is telling me the truth because she is like studying at home all the time and doesn't really go out. She told me she is totally stressed... and cried every time I talked about our relationship and her school work...

I am FreakingConfused too :(

Sorry for posting my little story here...

Honestly, what I should have done is exactly what I'm doing now (not talking to her anymore) only I should have started doing this the second she said she wanted a break. She probably would have come back to me right away then. But for some reason I couldn't open my eyes then and see that's what I needed to do, even though everyone on here told me to do so. That's what's funny about this thing - you've got like 50 people on this site telling you to go to no contact immediately, but that's exactly what you end up NOT doing because you think this will make the situation worse.

But that's wrong. What makes the situation worse is giving her the security of a fall back plan - me being there and talking to her, etc. only made it easier for her to go out and make out, or have sex, or whatever with someone else. She knew that if that didn't work out, she could just turn around and come back to me. If I had not been there, it would have been more difficult for her to make that kind of decision, and she may have not made it in the first place. Live and learn I guess - the next relationship I'm in, if I feel any of this coming on I'll either be the one to break it off, or if not and she is the one to break it off, then I will go full NC immediately because I've lived through what happens when you don't. Yeah, my ex may be having doubts now two months in (well, still not even technically two months in, tomorrow is the official 2 month date) and she will probably have even more when her roommate moves out, but what good does it do now? Unless she comes to me and admits to making mistakes and is truly sorry, there really is just no reason to continue on anymore - and it doesn't look like she's going to do that. So, she is basically a waste of my time at this point. I'd rather spend my efforts looking for a new girl.

In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.

Ok so yeah, it's taken me until almost the two month mark to finally do this, and all I have left to get from her place is two things that I can get when she's not there. Starting when I found out she "made out" with someone, I have gone NC. But what do I do if she is the one interrupting her thought process? She is the one who is initiating contact as of late, and even showed up at my job yesterday! I can't disappear of she keeps searching me out. I want her to reflect on our relationship together, and she will probably start doing this soon when her roommate moves out (unless whoever the hell it is she "made out" with fills in that gap) but I don't get how she is supposed to miss me at all when she won't leave it alone. Ahh who knows. She will probably stop texting and calling me here soon when I haven't responded to any of hers for a while.

Here are the basics I see.

1. she made out with someone else. So she is out and looking and sizing up all her options.

2. Every time you pull away she comes around. This is because she wants to make you her "guaranteed" fall back option.

I think you realize these two basic points. I'm merely highlighting as deal breakers. She is trying to be your kryptonite. The minute she kissed someone else she lost the privilege of having you around when she wants. That's the way you need to see it. The only alternative left is to face the facts. She is a young girl who doesn't know what she wants. She is using you because she is afraid of the unknown and you are familiarity. It's a hard thing to realize. When I was first single, I wanted to bad to go back with my ex because I did not want to face the cold unknown alone. It's gravity. If Newton could have described he would have. You gravitate towards the closest mass (or densest which means deepest in this case) around you. Now she is allowing foreign bodies to orbit her because she wants to "see" what all the fuss about. Let her go for a while. Focus on getting strong enough where you begin to "logically" analyze your situation without a little voice making you feel guilty that you are criticizing her. Good luck.

The whole thing is no matter how long the two of you were together, if she/he decides they are no longer sure about the relationship and wants a break, you just do it, at least they are not cheating.
You spend so much time worrying about "what does he/she really mean" they mean what they said. "I need a break." It may not be about you, but about them. But don't get mad at the person because they needed a break and you can't handle it. Let them figure things out and in the meantime, go on with your life. If you can't, that's really your problem, not theirs.
The years of 20-25+ should be spent learning and figuring yourself out, not being attached to someone anyway..

I went through the same way, but it was opposite. What ever you do, don't call consisting, don't try to talk to her. But just leave her alone. Because if you keep calling her and trying to talk to her, she 'll get frustrated because your not giving her space and she will just turn you down If she comes back, than that's your decision, but if not, than maybe its meant to be. Just hang in there! ;)

Page 1 of 3. Seriously. It's ridicules how long it is.




I tried to go out to eat with her last Sat. night, but she tried to push it to Sunday (I knew that SHE knew that I wanted to talk to her about where we stand, which is why she kept trying to avoid it. I even got her to admit that).

Seriously, you are not getting it. She’s in complete control. She knows she’s in completer control. Your job if your going to take her out to dinner (and why you are is beyond me) is to act calm, cool, and careless. I said careless, why would you start bring up feelings and where you stand. She told you where you stand. She’s shown by her actions where you stand. And you reward her with a meal!

No. No. No. This is backwards. She’s the one that’s emotional because she’s the woman. She wants to FEEL something, and what she feels is apathy and annoyance. If you want to create feelings with in her then acting like an obsessive, pathetic, and can do nothing without her love, isn’t going to cut it.


I got fed up with her. She called, and told her that all I was trying to do was take her out to dinner, but it kept getting pushed back for whatever pointless reason, so just F it, it was totally pointless and a waste of my time. I didn't really yell any of this, I said it relatively straightforward as if I meant business.

Okay I take back everything I just said. Actually I don’t because you still need to hear it. But this was long overdue.


She got upset and told me that she would be home in 20 min (she was out with her roommate) and then we could go.

Do you see what happened? I mean do you stop and really see what took place? I’m not going to brag…………actually I am going to brag. I told you in my last post that she has had her way with you so long that she would not expect you to stand up for yourself. And….. while she didn’t. She caved……immediately. I’m going to repeat this again as it is an ongoing theme. HER GAME SUCKS. You totally owned her at her own game with ONE conversation, where you CALMLY stood up for yourself. God, you did everything perfectly.


I told her F that, I just don't even want to go anymore because it wasn't going to be fun at all. She told me to at least come over to talk to her.

Oh this is tremendous. Her game is crumbling. Hopefully, you told her to come talk to you because you were in complete control.


I said if she really wanted to talk, I would come over.

You would come over?


I get there and we talked, and the gist of it was that I'm not here to attack her or issue an ultimatum, but that if she needed to break up with me because it was something she needed to do for herself, then I have to not talk to her anymore because it's something I needed to do for myself to help me move on.

What happened? You had the advantage, you had her back tracking. HER GAME IS AUTROCIOUS! Please wake up to that. You had her and you started talking about your feelings and how you need her. All that backing up and she gained everything back.


I said that it hurts too much for me to wonder if she's going to call me, or want to come back, etc.

How was this going to work?


I told her we need to call this break what it is, a break up. She came back with "well, what did you think this was?"

Dude, brother….I’m a guy and I believe that I am fair but I also back the guy in many break up situations because we do not have it easy in break ups, but come on here….. she was dead on. I mean seriously, I can’t disagree with her at all. I can’t even fault her for using confusing language. What did you think this was? Quite honestly you have no excuses because not only did she tell you, but so did everybody else who posted here.

What makes this whole thing worse you brought this one. I told you this was a game. You didn’t believe me. I told you this was an easy game to beat. You didn’t want to believe me. I told you that if you started throwing things back at her she would either shut up or get mad. You did take my advice and she apparently both shut up and got upset. She then canceled her plans, made time for you and you gave her everything right back and started talking about your feelings and then she told you the truth which you should have already known.


That made me angry, of course,

Why?


but I know she said it in this way to push my buttons. I told her that's bull$#!t because she was saying crap at the beginning like I didn't have to move my furniture out, and that it would be back soon, etc. I told her all she was doing was dangling the possibility of getting back together in front of my face.

She dangled that in your face because she was afraid to face the unknown. It’s a very common trait that women in different countries and cultures share.


I asked her if she wanted to explain herself better, and she told me that, with the exception of her freshman year, she had been with me in college. She said that we had gone out and partied and stuff, but she never really did the "college thing" because we stayed in a lot, which was fun and an easy thing to do, but she felt like she was missing out because she was still young. I thought that was kind of bull because we definitely went out and did stuff.

It is bull and it also didn’t answer the question at all.


Also, when she said that I started thinking 'well what the hell is the college thing? Go out and be a drunk slut and hook up with other guys every night - basically act like your roommate?'

But that is what she wants. I covered that in my original post I believe. You are a back up plan for when this lifestyle either doesn’t work out or she get owned in her stupid games with somebody that will eat her alive.


She also said that she would rather be apart from me now and do this now rather than us move off somewhere or be married and then she wanted to do it.

So in one statement she admits that she will be a slut and she isn’t capable of being loyal to her future husband. Quite the catch.


I agreed with that, but I also said that she could have just told me all of this instead of just dumping me.

Do you not get this yet? You are a back up plan.


I said I would have done whatever she wanted, you know, move out, talk less, or whatever, as long as I knew she was mine and that we were together.

What the F? You would have moved out, talk less and let her screw around, cheat on you, take her out, talk about your feelings and act like a complete wuss as long as you were together? Is it any wonder why she beats you with her pathetic game?

Part 2 of 2


So I got fed up with her crap, and I told her I was sick of playing games, and that I really just didn't want to hear from her anymore unless she was contacting me because she wanted to work on getting back together.

Even when you told her that you didn't want to hear from her you told her you would still be available.


She said she really thought she did, but didn't want to set a date or make promises or anything because that would be stringing me along.

Did you laugh as much as I did? That's all she has done is string you along.


I also told her I'm tired of text messages, and that if she wants to call me she can dial 7 numbers. She told me she loved me and missed me, and I basically just told her she needs to show it then.

You don't see this at all do you? You give her the boot, and she tells you she loves you. It's a game to her. This is all a big game.


She said that she did by inviting me to her birthday - I told her that she also invited all of her friends to her birthday as well, so that was a lame way of showing it. She begged me to at least go to dinner before there was NC and I told her fine because I really wanted to go out with her and have a good time, which is what I was trying to do the past week, but we'll go when I feel like going.

Stuff happened between then and last night, but it was mainly her calling me and texting me. I didn't respond to any texts because I wanted to be a man of my word. I would let her call about 3 times before I even bothered to pick up, and then left the convos short.

So I decide that we go out to eat last night (Tues night). I made it clear though, that I want this to be a date, and she agreed.

Why?


We actually had a really good time, you know, laughing, talking and all that. It was almost like we were just starting over and going out for the first time. I teased her some, and let her just talk about herself and what she's been up to. I broke down and gave her the card and gift card that I've had since her birthday.

I'm at a complete loss.


I told her next time that, if she wants to continue to work on us, she needs to take me out.

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? WHY WAS SHE NOT PAYING FOR THIS MEAL??

ON TOP OF THAT YOU GAVE HER A GIFT AND CARD??


She said that would be great, or maybe she could make us a nice dinner or something. We finally got back to her place and hung out for a bit. I told her I had to leave in a bit, but then she asked me to stay over. I freaked and wanted to leave, but at the same time I wanted to stay. I called my best friend, and he said just roll with it. He said if she was wanting me to sleep on the couch, then leave, but if she was wanting me to sleep with her, then stay. I told her that I didn't want to stay if it was just because she was going to be lonely tonight, but I wanted to stay for the right reasons, which was because she wanted to work on "us." She swore to God that is why she wanted me to stay (she's will NOT swear to God unless it's true - I've tested this throughout the years. Maybe it's changed now, but that's really just one of those things that I don't think she will change)

Yeah because she's a woman of honesty and integrity who doesn't play games. What'd she do next, sleep with you to keep you in her game because you had been pulling away from her.


. I said OK. So, of course, she was all snuggling up on me and laying her head on my shoulder - this was all stuff she was doing, I didn't try any of this first. When we made to the bed she initiated a make out session which turned into getting it on. We slept in the same bed, and it was good. I loved waking up next to her like I used to.

I SWEAR TO GOD I've never met this woman and yet I can predict her every move. SWEAR TO GOD.


Ok so here comes the bad part - while I was taking a shower this morning and she was doing her hair, and I decided to ask her - and I felt like I needed to know - if she had done anything with anybody else. She asked what that meant. I said that means "have you had sex, made out, etc. with anyone else since we've been apart." She nervously told me she hadn't had sex with anyone else,

Now that's funny. Do you seriously think she didn't open those legs?


but that she had made out with someone else. I got extremely hurt inside because I hadn't done anything with anyone else, and I had absolutely no desire to, but I didn't show that I was upset.
You did. She's a woman, she reads emotions, accept it she knew and to be honest she was probably happy that it made you jealous because she was in complete control again.


I asked her if she would tell me who it was, but she said that would just be too weird - it's probably either someone from her work or a regular that comes to the bar she works at.

You are going to tell me that you asked her who it was but then think you didn't show that you were upset?


She was honest with me at least, which was good, and I told her I'm glad she was honest with me.

Did she give you a popsicle for being a good boy?

Give me a break, she's been lying to you from the start. I mean this in the nicest way, but it's time for you to nut up and start acting like the man here and not like some kid she can manipulate with candy and face facts to who this woman is.


She could have just lied, and she even told me that she was going to just lie, but wanted to be truthful with me.

So by lying about what she was lying about she has told you the truth about the lie?


I told her if she had lied and we got back together and I found out about it later, I would have never spoken with her again because she's already damaged my trust in her.

But she didn't believe you because she had just got free dinner, cards, gifts, sex, attention, and a guy that caves the moment he gets control.


I told her this though and she agreed and said that's why she didn't lie to me.

While news update. No surprise it's the same as yesterday she lied. She tells you this BS because you believe anything she says. SWEAR TO GOD. So all she does is sprinkle the “I know you wouldn't put up with my games” line to you and you suddenly accept it as though you were the one in control.

Part 3 of 3


She asked me if I had done anything - I told her no, and that I hadn't really wanted to.
So you told her that you are waiting for her. You told her what she already wants, that you will wait and be the back up plan.


I asked her if she was drunk when it happened - she said no. I honestly would have been less upset if she said yes. She told me that I could believe her or not, but when she was making out with this guy, all she thought about was me.


FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD SHE SWEARS TO.


I asked her why she even did it then, and she said "because I just wanted to know, you know?"

I feel like I'm in a bad plot of a soap opera.


Then she said something like "well you could too if you wanted."

Sounds like a major hint.


Man guys, this really just crushed me when she said these things, because I really thought she was wanting to work on us

Where exactly are you getting that from? You are not paying attention at all.


- which maybe she is now,

I mean this in the nicest way, but I could really punch you. NO….NO SHE IS NOT wanting to work this out. She told you to go nail….. I'm sorry, she only made out, another girl. It's over.


but knowing this has made things so much more difficult, and so I almost feel like it's just too late now. Then she went on to say that I was just going to be all mad at her now, but that I had asked and got an answer. I told her I'm not mad, just upset, which is true, in some ways. I mean, I can't be furious because it's not like she cheated on me because we aren't going out, but it really upsets me because I just know that she does not feel the same way about me as I do about her.

You had to know that, she dumped you.


If she did, she wouldn't have done that. She just wouldn't have.
But she thought about you the whole time.


But me telling her I wasn't mad was really just a lie on my part. I actually am really pissed. So I tried to keep a smile on my face and told her I had a good time last night, and started to leave for work. She told me she loved me again,

After all that, she knew you'd pull away so she hits you with L word. Seriously, will you just admit to me this is a game? Just admit that.


but I didn't say anything back, and then she was all hugging me and about to cry and stuff,

She was about to cry. I think it was someone really cool that pointed out they can cry at will. Oh that was me. She controls you through her emotions. It's obvious. It's so obvious that it hurts to read all this because it's so transparent.


and she told me she would be calling me tonight. She tried to kiss me a couple of times and I sort of returned them, but all I could think about was "eww, this mouth is tainted now."

Yep, it sure is.


I jumped in my car and peeled out of her parking lot. I'm not sure that I'll answer though when she calls tonight. I mean, for me that just really sealed the deal. I just don't know if I could ever consider being with her again now. I mean, yeah she made out with someone - it's not like she got laid,

Well down in Florida when someone get's laid they are having sex. Does that mean something different where you live? Because she certainly had sex. Don't bull sh*t a bull sh*tter.


and it's not like it's multiple people that she's been with (at least I think, but who Fing knows now),

Everybody but you.


but I mean if she really did love me still like she claims, then I just don't know why she would do that.

It's almost like she doesn't love you, but does play games with you.

Hmmm, it seems like somebody pointed that out already.


Why am I wasting my time with this chick still. Why?

You got me. I hate her and I've never even met her.

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world. But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyway. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn. I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice. You are either a natural at games, or you got to learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game. What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.

Girls are girls man... they just want to have fun especially at 23. Why would you want to tie yourself down to that one girl because she is the only girl in your life. Of course there is always two sides to the story. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did you do your and hers laundry on a regular basis? Did you cook? Did you play video games? I can give you countless testimony on girls breaking up with guys after a wedding. Not uncommon. In fact I would say I've heard more break ups after a wedding than any other time. Weddings are like going to a meat market. You should have went when she invited you. She met an older guy and she is with both of you. That sweet loving beautiful creature would never hurt you. Welcome to life pal. Find you another girl my god! That's pitiful 24 five weeks you still have 80 yrs to go.

Look bro you have no right no say so no last words. No one gives a about how you feel. The girl moved on. Its over! Done! Its now tainted! The good news 1. if you let her go now hopefully you can leave with some dignity and with out a ride to the local jail and 2) is you had a girl at your age (believe it or not some guys never ever experience a girl) that means there will be many more to come. You can't see it because you are blinded by your own selfish needs. Quit thinking about yourself and your broken heart realize you have 70 yrs to go who the hell would want to stay with one person for seventy more yrs my god! We are in america look at the girls out there man! Can you imagine! I cant. And they do get better! You need to find out where the nearest alcoholics anonymous group is and try it out. Wait till you see the girls there older women too!

A girl does not control your emotions man! You control your own friggin emotions. For every 1 girl a man has in his life she probably has 7-10 guysat her disposal. Enjoy the time you have with her. Give it your all every relationship. Never cheat! Never mess with a married woman! And never hit her. Never degrade her. For the next one(and there will always be a next one) will rock your world even more! Stay up on your game! However if you two are just dating keep your girls. Always keep your one girl that's a friend.

Of course there is always two sides to the story. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did you do your and hers laundry on a regular basis? Did you cook? Did you play video games?

If you are asking me if I did my fair share of work in the relationship, then yeah, I did.


I can give you countless testimony on girls breaking up with guys after a wedding. Not uncommon. In fact i would say ive heard more break ups after a wedding than any other time. Weddings are like going to a meat market. You should have went when she invited you. She met an older guy and she is with both of yall. That sweet loving beautiful creature would never hurt you. Welcome to life pal. Find you another girl my god! Thats pitiful 24 five weeks you still have 80 yrs to go.

I should have went where when she invited me? To the wedding? I did go to the wedding. She didn't meet anyone there. All the wedding did was make her realize she was sick of having me as a boyfriend.

Its been 2 months now, not five weeks. I'm at a completely different state of mind now then I was at 5 weeks. I'm at the point where I just don't give an F about dealing with her at all. Period. And I haven't. I haven't even tried to talk to her once since last Wednesday. She called me 4 times last night and texted me at like 3AM. I just turned my phone off.

look bro you have no right no say so no last words. Noone gives a about how you feel. The girl moved on. Its over! Done! Its now tainted!

No $hit. I've figured this out already. Yeah, I had to hear it from her mouth to let it really sink in, but I got it.


The good news 1. if you let her go now hopefully you can leave with some dignity and with out a ride to the local jail

I haven't tried to talk to her for days now. She is the one contacting me, and I've ignored it because I'm done with it. The only time when I couldn't ignore it was when she showed up at my job, unannounced. Plus, I haven't done anything that would get me put into the back of a cop car, not anything close.


You need to find out where the nearest alcoholics anonymous group is and try it out. Wait till you see the girls there older women too!

What? I'm not so sure browsing for serious alcoholics is my style.

A girl does not control your emotions man! You control your own friggin emotions. For every 1 girl a man has in his life she probably has 7-10 guysat her disposal. Enjoy the time you have with her. Give it your all every relationship. Never cheat! Never mess with a married woman! and never hit her. Never degrade her. For the next one(and there will always be a next one) will rock your world even more! Stay up on your game! However if you two are just dating keep your girls. Always keep your one girl thats a friend.

Thanks for the advice, but I've never cheated, messed with a married woman, or hit a woman, or anything of the sort. Nor do I ever plan on doing so. THAT would put me in the back of a cop car.

i went through the same way, but it was opposite. What ever you do, dont call consisting, don't try to talk to her. but just leave her alone. because if you keep calling her and trying to talk to her, she 'll get frustrated because your not giving her space and she will just turn you down If she comes back, than thats your decision, but if not, than maybe its meant to be. Just hang in there! ;)


I've definitely been doing this as of last Wed. I haven't called her once. I haven't tried to talk to her at all. I've just completely dropped it because I just don't even want to deal with it any longer. There really is no point in doing so because it's just a waste of my time and effort.

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world. But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyways. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn. I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice. You are either a natural at games, or you gotta learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game. What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.
I don't think you are an idiot. You know your girl, we don't. I don't see her as being the slut others are making her out to be.
This whole unfortunate incident is a 4 year relationship that has ended and nobody wanting to really let go.
All women don't play games. Games are for children, not mature adults, and trying to play games will get you nowhere. The next time she call or texts, tell her not to do so again and then don't answer any more.
I hope you will be able to heal soon and do so without anger.
I wish you well.

A/A u don't have to be an alcoholic to benefit. It could be depression, it could be about god, it could be because a person was bored and wanted some education. Of course with any educational programs there are women. U people are lame. While there check out the girls. Not all girls at AA are drunks. Before you start talking to someone learn some facts.

Why would he go to someone who has problems of their own? That makes no sense. And why would you go after vulnerable women?

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world.

First of all the biggest idiot in the world would be rosie o' donnell.

Second of all I appreciate it when people, like yourself ask me for advice and all the greenies I've received but do you think I just woke up one day and got "it?" No. You learn by making mistakes and most of the time that means dealing with pain that comes with it. Some people, like myself, are hard headed so you learn time and again before this stuff sinks in. The absolute last thing you should be doing is running yourself down. I may get forceful and start making touchy statements in my posts because if I say the same BS that everybody else says such as "She'll come around" or "You can do better" then you will sit there and keep doing the same stuff over and over. That isn't going to work and it's especially harder when you are leading with your emotions instead of your logic.

To call yourself the biggest idiot only reinforces the negative in this situation. Start seeing the positive. Start learning from what she's doing so that in the future when your emotions are in play you can also use your logic and make decisions that benefit you. Do you think she's learning a thing from her games? Nope. Not one thing. The reality is her game is so transparent that if you had no emotional attachment you'd probably see right through it. She thinks her games are working and she is getting reinforcement that this is the case. She's the one who's going to wind up in worse shape in the futue if you just start looking at how this negative situation benefits you in a positive way.

You are getting first hand lesson in what works and what doesn't. You are getting a first hand lesson on how to get, keep, and lose control. You are getting a first hand lesson (or you should) that when you finally put your foot down in a polite yet firm manner the woman will respond. You are getting a first hand lesson that the emotional stuff you try does NOT work. You are getting a first hand lesson that the more you pull away she comes in, and the more you go in she pulls away. There is so much that not only you can learn, but others reading this can learn from what you are going through. A mistake... several, an idiot... not in the slightest.

Once you start taking some positives from this whole thing, ask yourself this for the biggest positive boast of them all. Do you think she's learning anything from this that will help her in the future? Not a damn thing, brother. If you can take that fact and none of the others you are still coming out ahead of her.



But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyways. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn.

Exactly, there isn't a manual for this stuff and the only way to learn is live it. As Jiser say, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." The pain is temporary the lessons can be for a lifetime if you take them.


I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice.

Well it does take practice but you know what else? Experience. Unfortunately, you have to get hurt before you can learn to deal with it. You are also leading with emotions. You need to lead with logic. I will be the first to admit that is hard as hell, when you are in love and just want the situation to be over. But you saw what happened when you started to pull away. You saw what happened when you put your foot down and stood your ground. She literally started doing anything you wanted, including having sex with you to try and turn it around. Now granted it worked for her. But it was working for you. Give yourself some credit here, you were doing some things correct you just needed the experience to come with it.


You are either a natural at games, or you gotta learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game.

But her game sucks. It's quite God awful in fact. You just need to recognize that this is a game to her. There is no need to brush up... just acknowledge it.


What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.



For now leaving her behind is your best option.

If you think you're the biggest idiot then everyone in this world is the biggest idiot. We've all been blinded by love at one point or another, lol. Unless you have no heart, we all make foolish mistakes for love, especially our first love. It's as if someone removes common sense, logic, and self preserverance and replaces it with a one of those music boxes that you wind up. But that's how you learn. It will only make you a better person for your next girl. Take it easy and focus on making yourself happy through your means.

Why would he go to someone who has problems of their own? That makes no sense. And why would you go after vulnerable women?

Exactly.

Have you ever been to an A/A meeting? Do you really think everyone in A/A is vunerable? What is wrong with you people? There are lawyers doctors millionaires in A/A. Its more than just alcohol. Its people coming together for a specific purpose.

Why would one go to people with problems of their own? What the hell is this site lol this place is nothing but problems. This guy wrote a book to strangers about a breakup. At least be in person and get hugs and

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm. I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to. But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place. Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right. She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected. So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way. Plus, I can get some free food! But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm. I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to. But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place. Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right. She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected. So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way. Plus, I can get some free food! But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?


Well it depends where are you in the healing process?? Will you feel comfortable being in her presence? Are you ready to possibly reopen those feelings again? What happens if she wants to get intimate? What is this possible date going to do for your relationship with her? Is she sincere? Or is she doing this because she is lonely? There are a lot of questions to be asked, and you need to answer them before you get hurt again... Most importantly don't give her too much control over the situation.. You do realize she only wants you on her terms when she wants to spend time with you, when she is ready to talk to you, she has way too much control... Don't get sooo deperate that you loose focus on WHAT you really WANT and need!

You know her, we don't. Follow your heart. If you think you can talk to her without pain or anger, see her. Who knows this may be a positive thing for you two

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

God, I hope not, then I would feel like I wasted my time


All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm.

Hmmmm indeed! What’s going on here? I mean what is really going on. She is not truly interested in dinner. She is interested in getting something from you though. Right now, you have it. Right now you are winning the game……no you are winning HER game. She’s on defense, suddenly calling and texting because you have backed off. You didn’t notice it before, but notice it now. You are in control.


I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to.

I guess this is up to you, I think you should leave her be because she has not stood by you at all. She has shown her true colors.


But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place.

Yes.


Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right.

That’s a given. I mean that I’m right. Also that you can’t get caught in games. But I’m still right.


Chuff is right.

Sorry, I just wanted to look again.


She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected.
There are games to be expected but not at the expense of your emotional well being. That’s not a game, that’s cruelty. Would you treat her like this? Then why do you let her treat you like this. Furthermore, why do you give her excuses to treat you like this. No. Would you treat yourself like this? No. So don’t let her treat you like this.


So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way.

Exactly.


Plus, I can get some free food!

It’s always hard to argue that. I love me some free food.


But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?

Nope. But if you want you could play the game. Commit to her, then have something come up and cancel. Ask politely if she would like reschedule two nights later. She will either reschedule at which time you can allow her to take you out or cook If she does not want to reschedule very politely say, “oh well I’m sorry you can’t be flexible enough to fit me in your schedule, call me sometime when you have time.” Then end that conversation right there. You have offered her another time, then taken a slight dig at her by pointing out that you are flexible and she is not, and then left the conversation on a high note that she can call you but really telling her you don’t

Hi Freak, the answer here is simple and I feel like we all going around in circles. Unless she is having this dinner to tell you she wants to recommit to you and stop the games, then I don't see why you should even entertain the thought. She is setting up a trap for you and you are falling right into it. Like I have been saying, it is black and white its either she wants to be with you all the way or NOT. Anything in between is plot to string you along emotionaly. She is 24 she is not that young. Its not like you are dealing with a 19year old girl her. By now she should be old enough to know that games are a waist of time. I am 26 and I stopped playing games playing games a very long time ago because I was serious about finding someone special to spend my life with. So I say keep to the original that everyone has been telling you. Just leave her until she is ready to be serious.

This was a 4 year relationship. I think it is hard for both of them. I don't think she is playing a game, I think she just does not know what she wants.
We are basing answers on what we think, or our own past relationships. He is the one who knows her.
You know how much you can deal with. This is like a marriage that is dissolving. The love may still be there, there is history, but it needs to end, so it's hard to let go. It can also be one that somewhere down the road there can be reconciliation.
You may be in for a rollercoaster ride, but at the end of the ride you will know what the deal is and you won't be here asking us what we think.

Awesome advice. WOW! THis whole damn website and you have got to be the only one that truly made damn sense.

I went through the same thing (I read all this when I started posting my ten cents at the halfaway mark I think on the 15th page) so I didn't get it all, then I went back after everyone condemned me and realized I had missed what seemed like 15 pages lol I love it its great. I went through the same thing with almost every girl I was with. My solution was once the fading the taintedness appeared I was gone immedietly. Why waste time too many out there. I look back and damn I wish I was still with her or her or her but you know what? I wouldn't have been able to be with her and her and her. I would still be stuck with her... years down the line after her I realized that maybe I didn't love her as much as I thought I did maybe it was in me the entire time. I learned there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't go to A/A to pick up women but I have picked up women there.

I went through the exact same thing (i read all this when i started posting my ten cents at the halfaway mark i think on the 15th page) so i didnt get it all, then i went back after everyone condemned me and realized i had missed what seemed like 15 pages lol i luv it its great. I went through the same thing with almost every girl i was with. My solution was once the fading the taintedness appeared i was gone immedietly. Why waste time too many out there. I look back and damn i wish i was still with her or her or her but you know what? i wouldnt have been able to be with her and her and her. I would still be stuck with her...years down the line after her i realized that maybe i didnt love her as much as i thought i did maybe it was in me the entire time. I learned there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. I dont go to A/A to pick up women but i have picked up women there.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psycho." "

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psycho." "

Ha ha how true Jolie :)

There really is no lesson here to be learned except... That is love. That is the bitter sweet symphony of a woman. Its beautiful isn't it? Wait to you meet your next encounter. So if you are writing word for word out of a love novel because you are bored that's one thing props to you for the idea but if this is really going on bro you have to... you have to ummmm hit up an A/A meeting.lol. Trust me. Go.

He doesn't need an AA meeting. Jeez what's wrong with you? There are plenty of single women. You just got to get strong enough and do well for yourself and put yourself out there once you're ready. I've never tried to find a relationship it just happens. Seriously though who are you Tyler Durden?

Everybody needs a break from any kind of relationship. Sometimes when there's no break, there's no relationship. Don't feel doubtful, it's just the way some people are. Everyone needs a break.

Jeez have you ever been to an A/A meeting? If not then shut the f$#@ up because anyone who writes a book about a breakup on a website to me is mentally blahhh sorry pal I'm oldschool you don't have to be a drunk to benefit A/A ever seen fight club? Check it ou

Break doesn't mean break up stupid! Like I say, heaps of people need a break but yeah, even 3 weeks is to long

I just read this entire thread and I think it's great you put in that much effort for your ex. Honestly, you put up with so much, I think it's pretty amazing to tell you the truth.

At least this way you will have zero regrets. If anything, it's her that will think of you because you were so good to her. You sound like such a great guy. I hope it all works out whichever way that is.

You people act like A/A is a bunch of ignorant crazy drunks. Sounds to me like this guy is full of depression. He is going bazooka in his head over this girl. He needs help. I guarantee someone at a meeting is not an alcoholic an is going through the same thing and brings insight. He needs to be around people not a danm computer to help ease his pain. Im not going to say go to a shrink and pay 150.00 nor am I going to agree that sitting on this website when depressed is a good thing as well as much as you people believe it is. SOOO why not go sit for one friggin measly hour in a circle and hear what others are going through on a personal face to face level for a buck. Why do you people keep knocking A f@#$$#@ A? If you've never been quit causing me to lose a point people!

A/A helps build strength back up. The earlier a person gets involved the program the better an outcome and something to lean on later on in life when times do get tough. And its only a buck a meeting. A/A helps build strength gives a person there energy back. How dare you people knock me on something and have never been.

You need to find out where the nearest alcoholics anonymous group is and try it out. Wait till you see the girls there older women too!
This was your first comment about AA. No one doubts that it is a good organization, it' a great one for what it does, but it is not a place to go for "the girls or older women too" or one that I would advise people to go to if they are just depressed. If he were having a problem with drinking or some other addiction someone here would have suggested it. He is just having a rough time and he will get through it. The majority of us here don't mind listening to him, that's what we're here for. And those who are tired of hearing it can bow out at any time.

You all take care good luck.

Wow. The directions this thread sometimes takes... Ah well, that's what this place is for right? Well, I have an interesting little update, but I won't post it until later tonight because I'm at work right now. Stay tuned!

Wow. The directions this thread sometimes takes... Ah well, that's what this place is for right?! Well, I have an interesting little update, but I won't post it until later tonight because I'm at work right now. Stay tuned!



Ohh Can't wait I am at work too, going home soon, I seriously need a life..

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u137/andariel_deromanus/2r5xr7l.gif

OK so here's the latest update. Since I spent the night with the ex after having dinner last week (see previous posts), and after finding out that she had "made out" with someone (a week ago today. I put it in quotes because I suspect she's probably done more than just make out), I have pretty much just quit talking to her.

However, since then she has texted me like 8 times and has called pretty frequently (something like 10 or 12 times). I've responded to zero texts, and a couple of calls (mostly after she's called repeatedly). These calls I kept short, and I always ended them because I had other things to do (or at least I made it seem that way).

Also, in this time, her bad influence roommate has moved out of my ex's apartment and back to her hometown like 3 hours away. YAY! Except, now I feel like the reason my ex is doing the following (read on) is because she is lonely and has no one with her at her place. I don't feel bad for her though, because she's probably got a guy over there, but who knows, that might just be my imagination. Can't be sure, and I'm not going to waste time spying.

The texts mostly say things like "I had a great time going to dinner with you" and "I would really like to be kissing you now" and "I would really like to hear your voice" and "I miss you," etc. etc. I'm just going to say, before anyone jumps on me, that I am pretty sure that these are all just attempts to get me to respond to her emotionally (game playing, if you will) and I haven't.

Two days ago (Monday) she called two or three times, and I didn't answer. Then she called me at 1:40AM and I answered. She was crying and was upset (I know, I know, just a ploy to pull me into her emotional trap). I listened, being cool and collected, and being fully aware of what she was doing, and basically didn't respond to her emotionally. I didn't ask what was wrong or anything. She kept trying to calm down, but couldn't (more like she wouldn't because she wanted me to feel bad too). I just kept asking if she needed to get off the phone and get herself under control. She kept saying no, and that she would be fine, but she basically just continued to sound upset and cry. So we have a normal conversation for a bit, and then she comes out and says she feels like I just don't care about her anymore, and that I was just done with her. When she said that I started thinking 'Well, duh, what did you expect me to do, wait around for you forever?' Of course I didn't actually say that. But anyway, I told her that I wasn't going to do this bull$#!t on the phone, and if she wanted to have a normal chat, that's fine, but otherwise she already knew my feelings about the situation, and that I'm not going to sit around and waste my time talking to someone who can't get under control and stop crying. She said, "OK, I just thought your feelings might have changed" or something along those lines. I didn't really respond to that. She seemed to calm down (probably when she realized her emotional games weren't working) she started talking about how she wanted me to come over after work on Tuesday so that she could make me dinner (she actually left a message earlier saying this). I told her I would consider, but If she wanted to eat with me she should instead come out to my place and make me dinner. Then the conversation went on normally for a bit, and then I decided that I was going to switch up dinner on her and said I would rather do it Wed. night. She agreed, but was kind of hesitant (wonder why? Was I messing up her plans with her 'other' guy?) She then asked if she could bring her dog and spend the night. I was like, "I don't know if that's a good idea." But, I didn't say no, and I didn't say yes.

So then she asked if I would at least come by after work Tues. (yesterday). I told her I might. She then called up my work yesterday, but my boss intercepted the call and said I was busy (something I've asked him to do). She then calls again, and unfortunately I happened to answer the phone then. She asks if I would come over after work, and I told her no because I had band practice and my mom needed me to help her move some things (both true). She then said "Well, I made you cookies. Can I bring them to you before you leave?" I told her that was fine because, well, free home-made cookies! I knew it was just an excuse to come see me though. So she shows up like 5 minutes before I leave with some cookies and a thermos of cold milk. She is looking pretty and obviously has put on perfume. So we chat for a few minutes, and she notices the new guy (my replacement) and asks who he is. I told her that he's my replacement because, starting Monday, I'm switching store locations so that I don't have to drive 30 minutes to work. She seemed a little agitated by that, but I'm not sure, it could have just been in my head.

So then she walks me out to my car and basically traps me there and starts crying and asking me why I'm just acting like I don't care about her anymore and why I'm acting like I'm done with her. She then goes on to say that she's done some thinking over the past couple of weeks and really wants to work on "us" (basically saying what she thinks I want to hear) and really feels bad about the whole thing and is sorry, and that I'm the best thing to happen to her, etc. etc. Probably all bull$#!t, but it's hard to tell because I find it difficult to trust her. I just sit there and stare at her tears, but I DON'T get emotional AT ALL, because that is exactly what she was expecting of me. She then tells me that it seems like I'm just enjoying being without her. I told her that she knows my feelings, and that I love her and never wanted a break, and that it's extremely hard for me to believe what she says now because she's ruined my trust in her, and that I'm not going to lie, my feelings for her are less strong than they used to be (which is somewhat true) but they aren't gone. I said all of this with a cold, straight face of course, not raising my voice or anything. Then she says she's sick of her apartment and wants to get out of the area. I told her she had better start looking for a new job in the big city she's planning on moving to (as if to say "have fun, I'm not going with you"). She then brings up that she wants to move to a big city, but wants to go with me. I basically tell her that it's going to take a lot of work for us to get back to a point to where I'd feel comfortable doing that, and that I don't think I'll be moving anytime soon, but want a better job around here and make more $. I asked what she's going to do, and she said she'll probably move back in with her mom (her mom lives in the same area as me, about 10 minutes away) because she wants to be with me and will do what she has to for "us" (yeah right! Probably a lie.) I told her why doesn't she get an apartment with one of her friends, and she told me she didn't want to because she would then have to commit to another year here. I basically thought at that point, 'Well then you must not care about me that much or want to be with me that much because if I NEEDED to stay here longer, and you REALLY wanted to work on "us" and be with me, you would stay as long as I needed to.' Anyway, at that point I got fed up and told her I had to leave. Still crying, she asks me if she at least gets a hug. I give her one for about 10 seconds, but she keeps trying to hang on, so I actually have to pry her off me. Then she says "OK, I'll call you tomorrow to finalize dinner plans, and I'll see you tomorrow night." She goes and gets in her car, and I jump in mine. I don't even look at her or wave bye, I just leave. Ahh, playing the cold coquette is fun! Not. It's stressful.

So then, I warm it up several hours later by sending a text (the one text I've sent to her in weeks) saying "Thanks for the cookies! They are good!" She calls later, but I don't respond.

So that's where we are now. She is going to call later and make sure dinner is still on. I haven't decided if I should say that something came up and I should reschedule (playing the game) or let her come over and see how things flow. I will probably let her come over and make me dinner, but I will, WITHOUT A DOUBT, filter every action she takes and word she speaks as being "game play," and I will spin it back on her, and continue to be slightly cold and aloof like I've been, but throw in a warm moment (like the above text). I know, I know, games are for kids, but I need practice. Also, I really want to see if the things she says are legit (95% chance they aren't), and if she really is sorry for what she's done and wants to try to get back together, or if she is still just full of $#!t. Suggestions anyone? My mom thinks I should let her come over, cook, and see how it goes. If I'm happy with it, then maybe she can spend the night, but that I should be wary and not fall into any traps. If I'm not happy with dinner, then I should tell her it was lovely, but I've got things to do and she needs to go. Either way, my mom thinks I should just not call her/speak with her/text her for several days afterward, and just ignore all of her attempts to contact for a few days.

I have to say that this girl seems to be bringing the hammer homie. Lol!
I am not saying give in or stop what you are doing however she seems to be sincere.
I would feel her out and see how she is when the emotions die down.
Damn! Lol

Must feel good :>)

Good Luck!

I actually read all of this, Whew


But basically in a nutshell, everyone has abandoned her, her friends, probably the new guy is a jerk, probably not calling or contacting her, It made her realize that the one true person who really cared was you.. The thing with this is okay she wants you back, but DO you really want her back? And what happens when her friends come back in the picture will she abandon you again? It is a tough decision, don't open up too much only to get hurt again and don't rush to make a decision to not hurt her by saying "yes" and then regretting it later... You need to do some serious thinking.. I am glad that you can stand your ground now. But if you can't trust her, I don't see how this is going to work... Trust and communication are severely important in any relationship.. She needs to know and understand and because you lost trust the relationship will NEVER EVER be the same NEVER..

Think about it real deep... No one can tell you what to do I think you know what you have to do... Whatever your decision is GOOD luck.. Stay and not trust... perhaps fall out of love with her completely... Or Love and let go, and leave your love for her neutral...

But if you can't trust her, I don't see how this is going to work... Trust and communication are severly important in any relationship..

I've thought some about this. I'm not saying that I couldn't ever trust her again. I'm simply saying that right now my trust in her has severely diminished, and it will take A LONG time to rebuild it if I choose to go down that road. And she knows that. I've made it clear to her on several occasions.


She needs to know and understand and because you lost trust the relationship will NEVER EVER be the same NEVER..


I haven't exactly touched this point with her yet, but I think she knows this. I know this in my heart, but what's going to be different now is that I'm not going to cater to her every need, and that I'm totally going to stand up for myself and what I believe in. And honestly, I think that was part of the issue before. I just caved every time she got upset, and I tried to diffuse the situation. I'm not doing that anymore, and I haven't been for the past week or two. I'm simply just not going to do that ever again, whether it's a relationship with her or not. I know what it is to be in control of what's going on now, and if we do get back together, which I'm not saying we are, I plan on keeping it that way. I still don't know if she is sincere or not, or just trying to play games still, but I don't mind trying to feel it out.

Once someone betrays you they will always betray you.

I've thought some about this. I'm not saying that I couldn't ever trust her again. I'm simply saying that right now my trust in her has severely diminished, and it will take A LONG time to rebuild it if I choose to go down that road. And she knows that. I've made it clear to her on several occasions.




I haven't exactly touched this point with her yet, but I think she knows this. I know this in my heart, but what's going to be different now is that I'm not going to cater to her every need, and that I'm totally going to stand up for myself and what I believe in. And honestly, I think that was part of the issue before. I just caved every time she got upset, and I tried to diffuse the situation. I'm not doing that anymore, and I haven't been for the past week or two. I'm simply just not going to do that ever again, whether it's a relationship with her or not. I know what it is to be in control of what's going on now, and if we do get back together, which I'm not saying we are, I plan on keeping it that way. I still don't know if she is sincere or not, or just trying to play games still, but I don't mind trying to feel it out.


I understand where you are coming from just be careful don't want you to get hurt again... “Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

Once someone betrays you they will always betray you.


True, that is always food for thought. Believe me, I don't really intend to rush this at all. I plan on thinking about it for a good long time.

True, that is always food for thought. Believe me, I don't really intend to rush this at all. I plan on thinking about it for a good long time.


“Time is one of the essential ingredients. Each day brings 86,400 seconds. Whatever isn't used is gone forever.” Anony..

She didn't betrayed you, she asked or a break and now resents that she did. You may be feeling betrayed because this whole thing hurt you. She may very well be sincere, but take it slow. Please be honest, honesty is not weakness. Don't play games, they are for children. Communicate what you are thinking and feeling. Don't assume she means something else when she says or does anything, if you are not sure, ask her.
I'd like to see you two work this out, but if you don't, hopefully both of you will be better partners to someone else. Just don't bring the baggage from this relationship into the next one.

She didn't betrayed you, she asked or a break and now resents that she did. You may be feeling betrayed because this whole thing hurt you. She may very well be sincere, but take it slow. Please be honest, honesty is not weakness. Don't play games, they are for children. Communicate what you are thinking and feeling. Don't assume she means something else when she says or does anything, if you are not sure, ask her.
I'd like to see you two work this out, but if you don't, hopefully both of you will be better partners to someone else. Just don't bring the baggage from this relationship into the next one.


I still don't think it's entirely clear that she resents what she has done. Her change in behavior has only come about very recently, and for all I know it could be another attempt to manipulate me - just an approach she hasn't tried before. Only time will tell if that's true. I don't necessarily feel betrayed, but yes I definitely did, and still kind of do, feel hurt. Perhaps betrayed isn't the right word in this case. I just feel like the trust we had between us is not really there anymore because I got dumped. I'm not saying that I can't ever be there again, but it will take a while to build it back up - if getting back together is in our future, which is just not clear right now. It's kind of hard to believe and trust someone who decides they don't want to be with you, and then suddenly starts acting like they do again, know what I mean? It's just impossible to know if those are honest intentions or not. And I know that I am the only person who really KNOWS her, but I thought I knew her two months ago and look at what happened. So, it looks like I don't really know her at all. And everyone on this thread has made it clear that what she was doing with me is putting me on a back burner while she tested the waters. Even my mom said that's probably what she's doing. When that kind of thing happens, how are you supposed to trust the other person right away? You can't really.

Believe me, I don't like playing games. I tried NOT to play games with her for two months, and it really didn't get me anywhere. The only thing that's getting me anywhere is throwing her game back in her face - which makes me stop and think that it's really not even worth it, because I don't want to play games. As far as communicating what I'm thinking and feeling, I've done that already, right? I've already told her how I feel and quite honestly I'm sick of repeating myself. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I do hope it works out, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. Little to early.

She wasted space and during her space she made out with another guy. That is betrayal. She had those intentions from the moment she asked for space. Been there done that. The guy was probably older and he dissed her or she realized that you were better. The grass is greener on the other side. I care about you bro I feel your pain. Ive been trying to stay out of it (people classified me as the "peice of scum bag" that had sex with a girl at A/A (whom by the way was fine as hell and rocked me) so frankly I don't care what you people have to say because this is about you confused and I'm right there on the edge of my seat I'm feeling you man... tell her you just want to be friends and haul ! Let her waddle in pitty for what she did. Then again, both of you are young and never played the field so can you blame her? I told you from the beginning to find a girl and flaunt it on her face. I guarantee after all this writing you are probably over her by now so let her see you with another girl. You must have at least one girl even if she is a friend that your girl doesn't know right?

She broke up with him and kissed another guy. He made him move out and moved another girl in a drunk girl at that.

Wanted space

I just think you are just reading too many negative opinions in this forum which really affect your thinking right now. If you still love her and is going to rebuild the trust on her, why not give it a try and do it slowly?

She is now going through what you went through before 2 months ago. At some point, she will eventually give up on this relationship. Do you really want the relationship with her end up like this? Ask yourself?

It is just my opinion and just do whatever you think is right. Do Not take all the advices from this forum because like Homegirl said, they do not know your girl... all cases are different...

You're right LeafCan. Im wrong. I just have never in my life before this sight been on a computer this long at 31 and have real life friends and an entire family of all girls and they got friends and have always brought around friends and TV was never my thing and I work out often for a long time so I can pick who I want to be with. So if she is all you got go for it fight for this feeling of having to spill your world on the internet. If I get hurt I'm gone none of I'm so sorry crap. Moving on. Life is too short. Too many girls. People want to waddle in a mess of a relationship trying to hang on to something only because they don't want to be alone. As you get older you will find that there are many "she is the one for me girl out there"

Well this thread has taken a turn for the weird in the last few pages. As for the last update, I think what it boils down to is that she didn't enjoy single life as much as she did, so she has enacted her back up plan. The thing to remember is that if she did it once, and then you took her back, she may very well do it again. Think about how it made you feel when she said she wanted a break from you? Her opinion of you at that time couldn't have been very high and you need to remember that moment and feeling before you decide whether you want to pursue things with her again.

There is a chance that if you get back together with her and as soon as things start going smoothly, she will start feeling the same way again. I was in a similar situation 4 years ago, and I took the girl back after she had her 'fun'. I regret it to this day. We stayed together for 2.5 years after, but I couldn't let go of what she did. I wasted some of my prime 'dating' years in a dead end relationship that came to a spectacular painful ending (with her repeating it again).

Good luck with whatever you choose, keep us posted.

I don't think she had a bad opinion of you she obviously loves you there is obviously some kind of attraction I'm not saying that at all. Im saying that she was faced with temptation like adam and eve and eve took the apple yeah same thing how ironic. This is probably not going to be the last time you get hurt by your partner either. You can either play the "love relationship family" game aka sucka or you can play the field. Get yourself a variety. You're too damn young to worry about a girl like this. Either you're too much a push over (captain save a hoe) or you're gay. This is just weird. Girls want to have fun and when they do and hurt someone that loves them they say they are confused start crying etc... As bad as you want her and as bad as you don't want to admit it because of four wonderful yrs of sex and fun, another man got to her. I won't be surprised if she starts hitting the clubs and bars.

I am not saying all the opinions are wrong but sometimes you can't take all the advice from here as you are the only person who understand the situation the best.

I understand most of us here are really wanting to help Freaking... I am just telling him to do whatever he thinks is the right thing, learn from the mistakes and no regret.

And Jason, obviously you have more life experience than I do and we all respect your opinions and they are all helpful :) I just think every girl is unique and our opinions shouldn't directly affect Freaking's mind. He should take them and think about them seriously.

Sorry... my english is kind of bad :(

Every girl is unique and to put them all in one basket is wrong. We don't know if she has slept with another guy or not, nor do we know if she is pretending. Take it slow with her if you decide to. But if you don't think you can "forgive and forget" leave her alone. Spare you both the hassle.

I don't blame her; you kept your girlfriend waiting. You wasted her time. It is simple; she wants you to marry her. No woman wants to stay in relationship for to long, I also dumped my boyfriend of 5yrs. He wasted my time.


I appreciate your comment Thabs, but have you even read this whole thread? I don't think you have because we've already been over this. I definitely know that is NOT the issue. We have talked about marriage before (both during our relationship and even afterward), and both of us AGREED wholeheartedly that its early for that. Hell, if that were it you think she would have said something instead of just calling it quits. I've even put that exact question to her. I've straight up asked her if the reason she wanted to break up was because she wanted to get married and I didn't come around and ask her, and the answer I got was a clear NO. I may not trust her as much or believe what comes out of her mouth lately, but I certainly believed the answer to that question. And what if I had married her, and then she decided she needed a break? What then? Divorce? Or just let her go out, be adulterous, and f^ck whoever she wants? I don't think so. If no woman wants to stay in a relationship for too long, then how is marriage helping that out? It's not, at all. If someone wants to go on a break and have their freedom, I would think marriage would be the farthest thing from their mind.

Look people, I know this thread has become huge and I've basically written a book here, and I really really thank you all for your advice and help! I really do. But if you aren't going to read the whole thread and understand the entire story, then why waste both my time and yours by posting pointless comments on here? Hell, jasondbel's comments are off the wall, sure, but at least there is some truth to them. So I'm just going to ask, please read the whole thread before posting if you feel like you have something valuable to say. Otherwise you are probably bringing up something we've already covered.

Well anyway, she drove out and made me dinner last night. I made her squirm for it though - she called twice and I just let it ring and go to voicemail. I pretty much waited until the very last minute to call her back as well, and then didn't bring up dinner until she asked about it. But anyway, it was a good dinner. And honestly, it was fun night overall! We just hung out, chatted about things we've done together, watched TV, drank a little, and just relaxed. She acted like she wanted to stay the night (she had asked me if she could earlier when she made these dinner plans, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea then). I waited until late in the night, and then I told her she was welcome to stay (I didn't want to commit to anything until I saw how the night went first). I could see the expression on her face and could tell her mind was racing. I know that she probably wanted to stay but that she couldn't make up her mind. So, I told her, very politely, that I changed my mind and I wanted her to just go back home. She didn't leave until 1:45AM though! There wasn't any physical contact really except for a hug and a light kiss (both times she initiated the contact) at the end of the night when I walked her down to her car.

No complaints really. Good night overall. There wasn't any game playing (at least from what I could tell) or any power struggles or anything. She didn't try to seduce me like the last time we went to dinner, and I didn't try to do that to her either. We just hung out and had a decent time. We made arrangements for her to come hang out later this weekend (probably Sunday - again, I made her come out to me). This DOES NOT mean, however, that I'm letting my guard down at all. In fact, I don't plan on communicating with her until Sunday, and only after she calls me first that day. She's already sent two texts since then.

Nor does it mean I want to get back with her just yet. That's going to take a while - if that is ever going to happen. I'm not going to lie - for two months she basically kept me hanging on, and all I could think about was getting her back. But now that I'm mostly in control of this situation (thanx to Chuff, Homegirl, Enigmagnetic, Clarityseeker, Jiser, and the rest of you dedicated advice givers) I feel like I'm almost enjoying being single. I feel comfortable with it - so I'm in no rush to get back together with her. I guess I'll just be taking it slow and see what time brings.

Thanks confused. You talked about it enough you should be over the broad! Let her go dog. You got plenty friends we are all here for you. Im just old school pimp status that's all but the bottom line here is she is a energy vampire. She is sucking the energy out of you. Making you lose sense of reality and who you are as a person. You seem like a damn good person. She might want to get back with you but don't do it. Don't give her the satisfaction of her being the winner and in control again. Don't SAVE THE GIRL FROM HER GUILT. C me I would say you want to go go biaaaaatchh don't let the door hit you in your rear. Go get that book "Energy Vampires" forgot the author. You will know on the first date if she is a blood sucker or not. THe power struggles etc. are not going to happen when she is trying to regain control its after you are hooked again. What is her background like, does she come from a family of money? Educated I'm sure you seem pretty smart just caught up in emotion.
You have to look at women as a business deal. Which one will you be able to profit together. She's got you depressed. You are losing money right now. She's fired, NEXT! WIsh I was there id put a girl in your lap so quick you wouldn't even think twice about her again.

Is the book you're thinking of "Energy Vampires: A Practical Guide for Psychic Self-protection" by Dorothy Harbour? Or "Psychic Vampires: Protection From Energy Predators & Parasites" by Joe H. Slate? Looked them up on Amazon... hehe. Well, her background is similar to mine. We both grew up in the same town, went to different high schools but knew some of the same people. Her parents got divorced when she was really young, and so she grew up with a single mom and lived about 10 minutes away from me. She didn't have any siblings. My parents also got divorced when I was about 13 and I grew up with a single mom. I have a brother. Neither of our parents were rich, but we weren't poor by any means. Just regular middle class people. We both went to the same university, but I transferred over to her university after spending my freshman and sophomore years at a different college. That's when I met her. We were both working at the same restaurant/bar over the summer.

As far as giving her the satisfaction of being the winner and in control, I don't plan on ever doing that again - That was one of the BIG problems the first time, and I've learned my lesson - that is assuming that we actually get back together, and as of right now I'm still leaning toward NO. But I can't say what will happen down the road just yet. And you are probably right when you say the power struggles aren't going to happen until we are back into the relationship - but if that were to happen, I would at least know what to look for, and to know to hold my ground. If she had a problem with it, then I would just give her the boot. I really would.

Is the book you're thinking of "Energy Vampires: A Practical Guide for Psychic Self-protection" by Dorothy Harbour? Or "Psychic Vampires: Protection From Energy Predators & Parasites" by Joe H. Slate? Looked em up on Amazon...hehe. Well, her background is similar to mine. We both grew up in the same town, went to different high schools but knew some of the same people. Her parents got divorced when she was really young, and so she grew up with a single mom and lived about 10 minutes away from me. She didn't have any siblings. My parents also got divorced when I was about 13 and I grew up with a single mom. I have a brother. Neither of our parents were rich, but we weren't poor by any means. Just regular middle class people. We both went to the same college but I transferred to her school after two years at a different college. That's when I met her. We were both working at the same restaurant/bar over the summer.

As far as giving her the satisfaction of being the winner and in control, I don't plan on ever doing that again - That was one of the BIG problems the first time, and I've learned my lesson - that is assuming that we actually get back together, and as of right now I'm still leaning toward NO. But I can't say what will happen down the road just yet. And you are probably right when you say the power struggles aren't going to happen until we are back into the relationship - but if that were to happen, I would at least know what to look for, and to know to hold my ground. If she had a problem with it, then I would just give her the boot. I really would.


“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
“Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”
Unknown.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Ha, good quote. Is this what I'm doing in this situation?


“Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”
Unknown.

Also a good quote. Where do you keep coming up with these? I don't think I've been holding on too tightly. I didn't during the relationship for sure. Maybe afterward I did... but as of late I've just tried to let it go, but as soon as I started doing that, she seemed to come around. Hmmmmm... games games games games.

Ha, good quote. Is this what I'm doing in this situation

Yes you are you are changing your priorities, and not becoming an option




Also a good quote. Where do you keep coming up with these? I don't think I've been holding on too tightly. I didn't during the relationship for sure. Maybe afterward I did... but as of late I've just tried to let it go, but as soon as I started doing that, she seemed to come around. Hmmmmm... games games games games.


I don't think you are playing a game it's more like trying to make it to the next level.. And guarding your heart from hurt..

Id like to know where she comes up with stuff too. Id pay you jolie. Protection from energy preditors and parasites! Great book. She seems very strog minded self sufficiate but growing up with out a father is hard on girls. The girls move towards fathers where as the boys bond with the mothers according to college psych text books. All the girls I've met in my life that had no father figure is constantly sub consciously trying to find it. So she is always craving a males attention. They fall in love easy. This is tough for u man.

Id like to know where she comes up with stuff too. Id pay you jolie. Protection from energy preditors and parasites! Great book. She seems very strog minded self sufficiate but growing up with out a father is hard on girls. The girls move towards fathers where as the boys bond with the mothers according to college psych text books. All the girls ive met in my life that had no father figure is constanly sub consciously trying to find it. So she is always craving a males attention. They fall in love easy. This is tough for u man.



Ha ha, you know what I read a lot and when I like something so much I often write down the quote, I usually read articles, motivational books, advice from family.. I am like a sponge.. as I stated I have been there, I cried, I hurt, I fell, But I also laughed, healed and Got back up.

I don't know what will happen with you two. All I'll say, is whether you get back together or move on, get rid of the old baggage. If you don't think you can start afresh without holding past "stuff" over her head leave her alone now. And if you go on to another relationship, don't assume that every girl is like your last one and treat her like you wish you had treated your last one..
The next time someone tells you they want a break, give it to them. Leave them alone, but don't get mad at them because they have moved on and you didn't.

WOW!!

What a story!!

I just read the whole lot and MAn You're the FREAk!! You let this take you for a ride and let me tell you give this another 6 months and she will kick you to the curb again and the she will have a new guy and same crap again!!

YET there is hop but man what your doing at the moment YOU haven't learnt one thing every time you gain control you fold!! SHe IS NOT that's right Not in love with you at the moment!!

Not to say she will not be in love with you again but what you are doing is STUPID!! And has been for a long time!!

Hell cancel on Sunday You're a BUSY guy you don't need the crap SHE wants you and she wants to feel that inside of her and YOU no why she is feeling it now causeher friends are gone that's all! Tjat will once again change!! You need to get some balls and take control here your lettig this girl run yoiur life! Girls don't want a WIMP like you have become they want a guy who is in control and doesn't take this crap!

GEEZ man the minute she wanted a break you should have packed all your crap up and disapeeared let her wonder what she's lost!!

Hell you are a long way fro having control and DEFIBNAtely CANCE THIS WEEKEND WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO FORGET YOU!! Who cares SHE DUMPED you after 4 years and you are rewwarding her YOU owe her nothing You have shown her what she gets with you and you are still gooingoutfor dinner there is no NEED for this SHE NEEDS TO FEEL the VOID without you in here LIFE!!
This is why she's asks you are you getting over me hell YOU SHOULD NOT BE TAKLING TO Her

GET A LIFE I know its hard I've been thre twice MATE but talking will get you know where except dragyou into the confusion which she is in!!

I will put it this way which is the simplest response I have given to many who come on here.

You have a girl you are totally in love with Do you dump her?? NO you don't
You have a girl who you are not that sure about DO you DUMP her well maybe you don't feel that much for her!!

SHE did not dump you cauyse she loved you she dumped you cause she didn't love YOU

Itsn the TRUTH! 1 At that time in her life she was not 100% and if that's the case you let her go and NEVER waste your time with a girl who is not 1000 %% Tell her that's fine you wotrk yourself out and confirm the break when she rings


I ralise she asked tyou for a break and you both remsained in contact GO TO THE DICTIONARY and read what BREAK means I have never heard BREAK meaning "STAY IN CONTACT"!!

You need to definitely cancel and tell her you don't think its going to work cause tyur not interested in someone who needs a break anymore!! Gt some balls amnd tell her this its not going to hurt your chance it will only upper her love for you show her yshe can take it or leave it! You know what you want and yopu have thought about it and you want a good relationship and you don't thinkshe is ready so you are best to just forget about it!! DO IT NOW!! For god sake end the confusion and she will want you back!!

Weeks of drama could have been solved long ago if you had taken the chance and put it on the line! Huge problem on this site to many people taking crap not preapared to put their balls on the line!!

Love or lack of it has nothing to do with dumping a person. There are people madly in love with a person they need to be rid of.
You can love a person who is just not good or you, you can love a person and be unhappy with them, or unhappy with yourself. Sometimes you have to leave a relationship to grow or heal, ans sometimes you need a break to see things more clearly.

You need to get some balls and take control here your lettig this girl run yoiur life!! Girls dont want a WIMP like you have become they want a guy who is in control and doesnt take this crap!!

Isn't that what I've been doing though? I haven't been playing into her bull$#!t as of late. All of her attempts to come crying to me have been completely stonewalled. All of her phone calls and texts - totally ignored unless she called like 3 or 4 times in a row. Then I would pick up, talk to her about about 3 minutes, and then tell her I was busy and had to go. Hell, since she made me dinner the other night she has already texted twice and called twice and I haven't answered anything. Earlier on in the breakup, yes, I'll be the first to admit I was weak. If she had come crying to me then like she has lately I would have probably broken down and felt bad for her, told her it was all right and taken her into my arms - but not now. I know better than that now because I know that's exactly what she wants me to do.


GEEZ man the minute she wanted a break you should have packed all your crap up and disapeeared let her wonder what shes lost!!!!

I'll be the first to agree with you here. I just didn't know any better at the time - first time I've gone through this. Next time it happens, which it inevitably will, I will go right away.


Hell you are a long way fro having control and DEFIBNAtely CANCE THIS WEEKEND WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO FORGET YOU!!! who cares SHE DUMPED you after 4 years and you are rewwarding her YOU owe her nothing You have shown her what she gets with you and you are still gooingoutfor dinner there is no NEED for this SHE NEEDS TO FEEL the VOID without you in here LIFE!!!

I agree with that to some extent. Actually, my plan was to not talk to her until Sunday, and then when she called up that day I would tell her something came up. Not sure yet though.


You have a girl you are totally in love with Do you dump her ?????? NO you dont
You have a girl who you are not that sure about DO you DUMP her well maybe you dont feel that much for her!!!!

SHE did not dump you cauyse she loved you she dumped you cause she didnt love YOU

This can't possibly be true in every case.


At that time in her life she was not 100% and if thats the case you let her go and NEVER waste your time with a girl who is not 1000 %%

This makes sense - but even when you are in a relationship, are you always 100% all of the time? I mean ALL OF THE TIME? Really? Everyone has ups and downs, everyone has doubts, everyone has mixed emotions and gets confused. I bet you even old married couples in their 80's still have these same problems. But you are right, even if she was having doubts and decided the relationship wasn't working, I should have just been gone immediately. But again, I didn't know any better at the time. I've only come to figure this out just recently - thanks to everyone on here!


I ralise she asked tyou for a break and you both remsained in contact GO TO THE DICTIONARY and read what BREAK means I have never heard BREAK meaning "STAY IN CONTACT"!!!!!

You are right. And it took me a while to get this under control, but please understand that for the past couple of weeks, I haven't tried to contact her AT ALL. Not once. She is the one reaching out for all the contact. I mean, she is showing up at my work! I haven't set foot in the place she works at once since we broke up. I have just been shutting her attempts at communication down. She was even talking about moving back in with her mom in the city I live in, and getting me Christmas presents, and wanting to work it out, etc. etc. But seriously, over the past couple of weeks I haven't given her any sign really that I was even interested in doing that. When she started talking about all that stuff I was like "Yeah...that's cool." True, I let her come make me dinner, but to be honest the free food was good, and we did have a fun time, and I didn't let her control me emotionally or anything at all.



You need to definately cancel and tell her you dont think its going to work cause tyur not interested in someone who needs a break anymore!!! Gt some balls amnd tell her this its not going to hurt your chance it will only upper her love for you show her yshe can take it or leave it!! You know what you want and yopu have thought about it and you want a good relationship and you dont thinkshe is ready so you are best to just forget about it!!! DO IT NOW!!! For god sake end the confusion and she will want you back!!!

Weeks of drama could have been solved long ago if you had taken the chance and put it on the line!!

I have considered doing this very thing. Does anyone else think this is a good idea? Is this what I should be doing?

I guess my question to you is what is your long term goal here. I see you mention 'playing her game' and you say know she is playing games with you. Im just sort of curious what you are trying to get out of this situation? Are you hoping to get back into a relationship? Or is this a revenge thing? How healthy could a relationship be when it was started while both of you were playing games?

If you are saying to yourself that you don't know how the relationship will be strong again, then you really shouldn't be wasting this time now. If you think you two will be able to look back at this situation as a minor bump in your road, then continue on.

Ugh. So I broke down and called her just a little while ago. I don't know why I did it, I just got to thinking that maybe I should because she's been calling and texting a lot lately, and I don't want to ignore everything, you know? I don't want to give the impression that I'm completely uninterested, because I still am, surprisingly. But there I go wondering about what she thinks again and letting her control me through emotions. Haven't done that in a while - funny how the thought just popped into my head. I know, I know, I've said a bunch of times that I'm done with her, but I guess I'm not completely done. Otherwise I wouldn't be on this site blabbing on and on.

I came home from work today, and no one was home so I just sat here for a while and thought about everything. Probably should have gone out and done something to keep busy, but you can't ignore it forever, you know? Got to think about it sometime. I kept thinking that I'd like to have her back, but that's probably a stupid thought. It's what my gut kept telling me, but I know I probably shouldn't listen. Man, this sucks. Last night she called twice and left two voicemails. One was to see how my day was and to say she had fun the other night when we had dinner. Then she left another one saying she was excited about this weekend. Probably just a move to put me back in her pocket. I might have to cancel this weekend.

Of course, she didn't answer when I called her, even though I thought she would. Probably just pulling more crap on me and playing more games because I've been ignoring all of her calls, but who knows, maybe she didn't hear her phone. So I just left a message saying that I'm just calling to say what's up, and that I'm sorry I missed her calls yesterday, and that I had fun at dinner. That was it. Short and sweet. Took about 30 seconds. Still, I feel like a fool or something for calling because I had been doing really well with just letting her contact me. If she calls back, I'll probably just let it ring. I don't know why, but it's like I don't want to just come off as a complete jerk if she is actually starting to come around, but I want to keep the upper hand (that I think I have?) right now, so I'll just not answer and be busy - I'm getting ready to go out with some friends anyway. She probably isn't really coming around though, but it's difficult to tell. It's hard for me to trust her right now.

Funny that I'm worried about acting like a jerk after her dumping me.

Here's a fun little way to make a bet with myself. Next week she doesn't have to work and will be at her mom's, which is about 10 minutes away from where I live now. I betting myself that she won't call back tonight. She's going out with her ex roommate tonight anyway because it's her last night in town before she starts her new job in a city 3 hours away - who knows, she'll probably be "making out" with some other guy tonight. Anyway, the bet is that my ex won't really make much effort to contact me because I F'ed up and just called her - until next week. When she's home, doesn't have to work, and is away from her coworkers and practically all of her friends, she'll call me and want to hang out. Then I'll just know that she is lonely and is calling because she doesn't have anything better to do, and not because she actually excited and wants to talk to me. No, her lonesomeness will compel her to talk to me. Otherwise, she'd answer her phone or call back later tonight.

??
Tell her how much space does she need I mean is she pregnant and not telling you is she with an other man just ask her

Tell her ts over!!

That's what it is.
Tell her you don't tink dinner is a good idesa and if she isn't serious abouit a relationshoip that's fine there are plenty of girls who are.


Stop all the crap an say this it's the truth yoiur just to afrai to say it cause you don't want to hear the ansewr.

Let her know this and when she calls answer and say what do you want I told you what its going to be you can take it or leave it and apart from that I'm moving on!!

Simple but hrd. But will save much more heartache whicgh mate this is not going to end good for you!

She is not coming back! UNLESS you man up and tell her how it is going to be. She will adventually meet someone else and then you will be forgotten. I know this take the chance don't waste time let her kow now what the 2 choices are and stay firm!! FGEEZ do it nowPLASE you canr t see what damage you are doing to this!!

Tell her now she has the choice but you don't care she can either come back orgo but yourve had enough... NO more dinner no more calling no more dates till she wants the relationship back

And I was right. She didn't call.

You're ignoring her calls, I would not have called either. You are playing a game you think she is playing. Honesty is the key. Stop assuming things with her.
Call her , set up a time to talk and break it off completely or trust her enough to not play "I'm going to ignore you games.

OK so here's the latest update. Since I spent the night with the ex after having dinner last week (see previous posts), and after finding out that she had "made out" with someone (a week ago today. I put it in quotes because I suspect she's probably done more than just make out), I have pretty much just quit talking to her.
...............................

Too long to read through it, but I can say only this. Forgiveness. Common man, what do you want more? For her to come and kiss your shoes?? I can understand you, but what are you doing is really too much. She is giving you all the signs and everything. She is willing to come back. You can play the game as long as you want, pal, but if you think you aren't playing any game, than stop contacting her or being there for her completely! You say you are not doing games, but dinners, responding to her calls, mails, txt's etc, is nothing more but a game. And that game is childish! She gave you all the signs! Tell her you understood all those signs, but you think to take the things slowly. Remember, we are all different people. And we have different level of pride. Sometimes, we just can't say to the ex, that we miss them, wenn it was us who left them. Let alone the "i love you" thing! But through the signs we let them know. Careness, flirts, being in their life, staying in contact, etc. We don't do it for our ego! At this point, you know your ex and you can say if she has ego problems! Right ? All you need is to talk to her about this, have an open communication with her, and not with us! Only her can give you the right answers! We just give an opinion!

Get her a braclet friends get friends braclets and if u want to be with her get her a nice neckalace

You're ignoring her calls, I would not have called either. You are playing a game you think she is playing. Honesty is the key. Stop assuming things with her.
Call her , set up a time to talk and break it off completely or trust her enough to not play "I'm going to ignore you games.


Are you saying that because I've ignored her calls - that is why she isn't calling me? In a way, I get that. And that's why I called her last night, because I didn't want to push it too far. The reason I've been ignoring her though is because that seemed to be the only way to get her to come around. When I used to respond to her texts/calls all the time, she would just act more distant and uninterested, and I would feel like crap. I really think it's because she felt like she had me in her pocket. But soon as I started pulling away she became more interested, then started showing up at my work, bringing cookies, making dinner, saying she wanted to work on us, making plans to come spend the night, etc. I just don't get it. It's really just Fing stupid. I shouldn't have to ignore her to get her to want to be with me. She should just want to - or not - period. I feel like it's not an easy choice for her - but that's exactly it. If she REALLY wanted to be with me, the choice wouldn't be that difficult. I didn't create this situation, she did. If she really wanted to work on us, wouldn't she be excited that I called and answer because I haven't lately? Wouldn't she answer, or if she didn't see that I was calling, wouldn't she call back when she looked at her phone later, or at least send a text? She didn't do any of that. If she didn't want to play games, why wouldn't she just answer the phone?

I don't want to assume things with her, but it's like I almost don't have a choice. She keeps pulling this move where she says stuff indicating she wants to get back together, and has even started to act on it some, but then will pull crap like last night and just ignore me. I've tried talking to her and I end up right back in the same spot. I've had two or three serious talks with her already. Two weeks ago when I finally stood up for myself I told her that I didn't want to talk to her unless she wanted to work on us. I didn't want to give her an ultimatum then. And she started coming around, and saying she was serious about working on us. And I still don't want to give her an ultimatum, but it's like I've almost got to say "Hey. If you want to be with me and work on our relationship then lets do that right now. Lets be boyfriend and girlfriend again, and take it slow. If you don't, then please just leave me alone completely because I don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% sure she wants to be with me." Otherwise, won't she just keep on doing what she's doing? I think the answer is yes.

You're ignoring her calls, I would not have called either. You are playing a game you think she is playing. Honesty is the key. Stop assuming things with her.
Call her , set up a time to talk and break it off completely or trust her enough to not play "I'm going to ignore you games.

Great post!

You don't ignore someone calls an then decide to give them a break and answer them and expect her to be thrilled.
I don't believe in this "act like you're not interested and she'll come running business" She either wants you or she doesn't, and if you act like you're not interested then she will assume you're not. She is now playing your "ignore phone calls" games. That's the problem with game playing, it's hard to stop and to know if both of you are still playing.
If you want her back, tell her. You two start from scratch, but not bf/gf, casually date. Talk to each other on the phone, text each other, see each other on occasion. I think this is what she was trying to do and you started ignoring her.
See if you can repair what was damaged. But be honest and stop playing games. They don't work.

Wht are you doing this crap is going on way too long!!

Now this has nothinng to do with not answering .
What is happening is she lets ypu go and every time you push her away she thinks she is losing you so she comes back and pulls you back in and you get sucked in and then she has control of you.

You eed to stop the crap amd not talk too her she will be back once you aqre totally gone! You can't do his because youu are totally under the cloud at the moment. Look at it clearly please don't do anything there is no need for an ultomatium. TYhis is what you say! I really like you but I can't be bothered wth someone who is so up and down and I want someone who knows how to have a relationship!!

Are you saying that because I've ignored her calls - that is why she isn't calling me? In a way, I get that. And that's why I called her last night, because I didn't want to push it too far. The reason I've been ignoring her though is because that seemed to be the only way to get her to come around. When I used to respond to her texts/calls all the time, she would just act more distant and uninterested, and I would feel like crap. I really think it's because she felt like she had me in her pocket. But soon as I started pulling away she became more interested, then started showing up at my work, bringing cookies, making dinner, saying she wanted to work on us, making plans to come spend the night, etc. I just don't get it. It's really just Fing stupid. I shouldn't have to ignore her to get her to want to be with me. She should just want to - or not - period. I feel like it's not an easy choice for her - but that's exactly it. If she REALLY wanted to be with me, the choice wouldn't be that difficult. I didn't create this situation, she did. If she really wanted to work on us, wouldn't she be excited that I called and answer because I haven't lately? Wouldn't she answer, or if she didn't see that I was calling, wouldn't she call back when she looked at her phone later, or at least send a text? She didn't do any of that. If she didn't want to play games, why wouldn't she just answer the phone?

I don't want to assume things with her, but it's like I almost don't have a choice. She keeps pulling this move where she says stuff indicating she wants to get back together, and has even started to act on it some, but then will pull crap like last night and just ignore me. I've tried talking to her and I end up right back in the same spot. I've had two or three serious talks with her already. Two weeks ago when I finally stood up for myself I told her that I didn't want to talk to her unless she wanted to work on us. I didn't want to give her an ultimatum then. And she started coming around, and saying she was serious about working on us. And I still don't want to give her an ultimatum, but it's like I've almost got to say "Hey. If you want to be with me and work on our relationship then lets do that right now. Lets be boyfriend and girlfriend again, and take it slow. If you don't, then please just leave me alone completely because I don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% sure she wants to be with me." Otherwise, won't she just keep on doing what she's doing? I think the answer is yes.


Well, I can see why you are ignoring her calls, and as you see, every time you write to her, she will be more distant. But wenn you disappear, she comes back, and says to work things out with you. In this point, this is the time when you show your hard You. But don't act like a victim telling her that "her dissapearing" influences your feelings and makes you feel down. Instead you say her, that you know its not going to work, and that you know what she says they are only words, because you already know her, and that she is going away, as soon as she gets you back, etc. This way, you are giving your opinion, and you say No to her, which means challenge. And you act this time like the dumper who is the "Hard to get". You don't give her ultimatums or such things! You just act like "commanding" her to do the opposite of what you don't want her to do, her to try to get you back. Remember when she said you that she doesn't feel like before anymore, and she feels different? And you did more and more to try to please her? It's the same thing now. She was "dissapointed" from the relation, and you tried hard to make things work, and now You are the one who is dissapointed from the relation, and she will be the one to try to make things work. Its called reversed psychology, and as humans, we want what we can't have. Well, sometimes this is related to Ego Boost, but this is not the case. By disappearing, or ignoring her calls, mostly isn't bringing any good. She must know your opinion about the situation, but not your feelings or emotions.

She met someone else. She is playing the feel like I said in the beginning.

She doesn't need you confused. If she contacts you its because she wants to. She doesn't seen like a gameplaying person. She seems to have a lot going on. It seems her time is accounted for. Every last second of the day is counted for. While you are sitting by the phone writing on the computer she is out having a blast. She is talking to other guys, she is partying she is having a damn good time. Like I said on my first message, girls just want to have fun. She doesn't want the lovey dovey bull. She did but its gone. Its tainted. I know a handful of people that have been together over 20 yrs. GOD, I would never want to be in their shoes because she wants to go, she is taking everything with her. The house, the dog everything. You need not fall so hard. Life and love should not be so serious. A female is a business deal. You are not profitting. You are losing your most vital asset-your self energy. If you are so eager beaver to have this girl at such a young age, its because you have no life and you are sooo not thiking about your future. Let her go. I would put a girl in yuour lap right now if I was by u.

There is nothing wrong with being in a long relationship when you're young if you're with the right person. It does not mean you have no life. I could mean you don't need to party till you drop.
I met my husband when I was 19 married him when I was 22. I've been married 32 years. I had a life, I just did not have the desire to go from one relationship to the next.

Like I said I know a handful of people who have been together over 20 yrs. I know a hell of a lot more who were together for a over 5 yrs. And the male had to start over. I know double that that lost everything at 60 and moved from a millionaire to homelss overnight. The man came home from work, she says I want you out of here he is confused she calls the police the police escort him out his home (because she never worked) he is now in a hotel she changes the locks, he still doesn't know what he did, he tries to go home again (his home for thirty years with her) she calls the police says he's stalking her the police put him in jail she files restraining order he loses his kids (she was the first one to begin the process) he loses everything. F@#$ that! See it all the time. The next time you pass a homeless man on the street think about this story! I see a handfull of people that have been together I see thousands who lost everything chasing after a girl who didn't know what she wanted all for puutnanny

Ok, I have an update for you guys! Unfortunately, I don't think I have time to type it all out right now, so I will soon. And when I do, I will try to keep it concise - I know I have a tendency to ramble. Check back soon!

This was going to be a positive update, but considering how this morning went, I think this whole thing has fallen apart.

Since last time I've posted things have taken a positive turn. I took Homegirl's advice and started resuming casual convos with her. Not going to fast, or slow, just going with the flow. I decided that I would avoid game playing and be honest to avoid getting caught stumbling over lies, etc. I also decided I would give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she wouldn't play games. So, I resumed casual contact by asking her to lunch, and things started looking up.

Last time I posted she was ignoring my calls because I was ignoring hers. I decided I didn't want to play games anymore, so I started calling her if I felt like it. She would return my calls, but an hour or two afterward. I didn't think that was right, because I felt if we are working on our relationship we should be excited when we called each other and would want to answer right away. I basically figured that I had to be firm with this girl, and tell her that when I call, I'd like for her to answer, because she said she wanted to "work on things" and should be available when I call her. And she started to answer from then on out. After that, she started calling me frequently and sending texts without me having to say anything to her. Then she started ACTING like she wanted to work on us instead of just saying it. All of our convos were great - enjoyed them all! She spent the night before I started at my new job location, and that was an awesome time!

She then came to the town I live about week ago for Thanksgiving. We hung out every night. We went out drinking with my friends. We watched movies. She spent the night twice. We talked about the relationship only once while she was here, and didn't really get anywhere except that she still wanted to move off to a big city and that was one of her biggest goals in life. I told her I also would like to get out of this area but I think working on the relationship is the more important thing. She said she agreed, but I got the vibe that she didn't. She finally went home Monday, but we talked on the phone that night, and made plans for me to come out Tues night (last night) and stay.

So I get there last night and she's made an awesome dinner. We hang out, watch TV, drink some wine, etc. and had a great time! All of the pics of me are still up in the apartment, and all the drawings I did for her are as well (which is weird because I took my pics of her and put them under my bed. I forgot to get them out last time she came over even though I'd had them out previous times - she didn't seem to notice at all). So, I end up crashing there. So, I wake up at like 6 in the morning, and she's asleep. For some reason I decide that I'll get her cell phone and look at her texts. I know, that's snooping and being paranoid and perhaps morally questionable, but I figured if she's being truthful about saying there's no one else and wants to work on us, and if she has nothing to hide, then what's it going to hurt? So, I find several texts from this guy who shall remain nameless. The messages stretch from about 10 days ago to about 2 months ago (2 or 3 weeks after she dumped me). The messages contain little info, but there is a few that say things like "sorry about last night, we'll have to reschedule" and "I'm headed over now" and other things like that. There was also a message that said something like "I wish you were in bed with me," or something similar. I also read a message that she sent to him saying something like "Where are you? I want to see you naked." So I basically flip out in my head and read all of them twice. I wanted to make sure that I was really reading these. I felt like I needed to write them down so that I could use them as ammo when I brought it up to her. But I didn't, I figured just the fact that they were there spoke for themselves. Also, her call history showed that she called this guy only eight days ago - the same night I called her and told her that I expect her to answer the phone when I called.

So I lay in bed for about 2 1/2 hours and decide that I'm going to tell her what I've found. So she wakes up in the morning, and while she's in the bathroom getting ready I get her phone and walk in and say "So who's ***"? She immediately looks at me with the expression that reads "Oh $#!t, I'm busted." She then grabs the phone and asks why I'm going through her texts. I told her I was just playing with her phone and came across the text that said "I want to see you naked" and that I thought it was a joke, but now that she's acting paranoid I think there's something more to it. This was a total lie, I looked at all her texts, but I didn't want to give that away. I ask her again who this person was. She told me a friend and coworker. I said I'm not stupid, and that I know it's someone she's seeing, and that I can't believe she's been lying this whole time, especially after I've asked her 20 times if there was someone else. I asked her if this was the guy she made out with and she said yes. I said that I'm sure that's not all she did with him, and then I then tried to leave, but she raced to the font door, locked it and stood in front of it, and screamed in panic at me that I can't leave and that I need to stay and talk, etc. I then screamed at her to let me out right now. This went back and forth, she finally let me out. I went down to my car, got in, backed out of the parking spot. She then came running down and over to my passenger door and tried to open it but it was locked. I looked at her and then just drove away.

She then proceeded to call me 3 times and left a message sobbing and begging me to call her, and that she isn't lying to me and that she can prove it, and that she loves me and wants to work on the relationship, etc. So, I drive across the street and sit in the parking lot waiting for to leave for work. She didn't. So I called her, and told her that I want her to leave so I can get the rest of my stuff so I don't ever have to come back there again. She said OK and started begging me to talk and I told her I didn't want to. Then my phone died. I drove over, went upstairs and started getting my stuff. She wasn't there but then she came in - she had been walking the dog. She tried to talk to me about it - but now instead of being in a panic like she was before, I could see that she was trying to formulate a way out of this in her head and was getting aggressive. She told me that she was telling the truth and asked me to show her the text I saw. So I showed her the one she sent saying "I want to see you naked." She told me that she didn't even send that text, and that it was a joke because someone was messing with her phone that night. She then showed me another text that was supposedly a joke text as well. I didn't buy it and I told her she'd better not try to make me out as the bad guy because it won't work. She said she hadn't talked to this guy in 2 months. I told her that was bull$#!t - her call history showed that she talked to him 8 days ago. She then said she had to work with him so she had to call him some. We then got into an argument about how she wasn't lying to me but I thought she was, but she couldn't do anything to prove that she wasn't except to tell me that she wasn't and hope I'd believe her and trust her. I told her seeing these texts didn't help at all, and if she had told me who it was she "made out with" the first time I asked then I might not be freaking out so much. I told her we are not on the same page - about moving to a big city, about being with other people so soon after a break, etc. She told me that she didn't move yet and would have if she didn't want to be with me, and is going to move to the town I live in and stay with her mom because she wants to be with me. Little does she know that I read a text from this guy saying that he was at his mom's house in ***, which is the town I live in, so I know that he's probably here some as well. I told her that if she actually felt the way I did then I don't see how she could have done anything with anyone else only 3 weeks after dumping me. I told her I hadn't got to that point yet and it's been almost 3 months. Anyway, I told her that I think she's lying, and that my gut tells me that there's a piece of the puzzle she's leaving out and isn't being honest. She continued to tell me that she was. And then resumed asking me if we could talk later and I said maybe, and then basically went to my car and left.

Since I've got home, the only thing that makes sense to me is that she met this guy at her job, was interested and broke it off with me to be with him.

I feel like absolute $#!t now. I feel stupid for giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I know I would have felt worse if I didn't. At least this way I feel like tried, which was important to me. And yes, the date on the texts from this guy are certainly more frequent 2 months ago, but there are some from not that long ago. The last text this guy sent was on the 17th of this month, which said "I'll be there in a few" and it was sent at like 8 in the morning. Funny, I happened to ask my ex to lunch that day (the day that I decided to take Homegirl's advice and not play games and try to be straight up). She showed up to lunch looking all tired and grungy. I wonder why. :mad:

This sucks so bad. I guess this is just over because I just don't know how she's going to explain this one. The only logical explanation is that she dumped me for this guy, and either he lost interest or she did, or it wasn't working like she thought and she wanted to be back with me. Crap.

This may sound harsh, but I think you have breached privacy by looking through her phone... prob not a too good idea.

I did the same thing. I went through my girlfriends phone, because I had a gut feeling something was not right. Sure enough I found text and phone calls she had been making and receiving from a male co-worker. When I confronted her, she told me that he was just a friend, that he was going through some problems with his girlfriend like we were at the time. I said bull****, how can you talk to somebody for 2 hours at 3am and just be friends. I know you can have friend of the opposite sex and just be friends, but it's a little fishy when she was talking to him that late in the night. Lately she had been going out with her co-workers to the bar and this male co-worker wrote to her "I only go out with you guys to see you." What kind of s*** is that? I know it was an invasion of privacy, but I would looked like a fool if I never would have done it. I dug a little deeper and found out that she had actually cheated on me 2 years ago with a guy that was suppose to be my friend. An old coworker of both of us. At the time time I thought nothing of it because I knew the guy, but it just goes to show you that you can not trust someone as just being a friend. Long story short we are no longer together. At first I was furious when I found out she cheated on me, but after I calmed down I wanted to give it another shot. I found it hard to trust her, especially when she kept talking to this guy from work. I'm sure nothing had happened yet, but I think it would have happened given time. I still love this girl, but it is just hard to be with someone like this. I know your situation isn't the same since you guys were not together, but I understand how you feel. How can she be with someone else just 3 weeks after the break-up, especially when she has all these feelings for you still according to her. I know everybody has already told you this, but keep your chin up, no one ever died from a piece of a**. I am going through something similar and it's usually the hard lessons in life that are the best to learn from. I know it sucks, but hang in there.

Hmm, It's always the co-workers. What the f^^K is up with that?

First of all, you had no business going through her phone messages. That was totally out of line. If you did not feel you could trust her, you should have not started seeing her again.
I told you to see her casually, that meant not sleeping over, not expecting her to move to another town with you, just occaisional casual talking.
Maybe she is ashamed that she got with this guy, I don't know, but she had broken up with you.
Whether she wants you now or not, you should just leave her alone, because you obviously don't trust her and this will always be an issue.

First of all, you had no business going through her phone messages. That was totally out of line. If you did not feel you could trust her, you should have not statred seeing her again.
I told you to see her casually, that meant not sleeping over, not expecting her to move to another town with you, just occaisional casual talking.
Maybe she is ashemaed that she got with this guy, I don't know, but she had broken up with you.
Whether she wants you now or not, you should just leave her alone, because you obviously don't trust her and this will always be an issue.


Homegirl, thanks for sticking with me through all of this! Your responses are really important to me. I have to say though, that I don't completely agree that it was totally out of line. Yes, I probably should not have gone through her phone to check her texts, but that's the thing. I felt like I was starting to trust her again, and really wanted to, but I felt like I had to make sure that I was going down the right path with that... and what I found showed that I wasn't. I don't feel like guarding my heart from being hurt again by this girl is wrong, and if that mean stepping over moral boundaries and checking her phone for texts, then so be it. It's not like I am stalking her, sitting outside her apartment with binoculars and following her around and stuff. We talked last night on the phone about it and she wasn't really even upset that I did it.

I checked her texts to help soothe my fears about trusting her again because I really wanted to get over it. I really really did - otherwise I wouldn't even be dealing with this girl almost three months out. I wanted it to work and I tried and tried for this long. And honestly, if she had nothing to hide from me, then I wouldn't have found anything on her phone, and she wouldn't have given that look of "Oh I've been caught" when I asked her who this guy was. And on top of that, she tried to lie her way out of it and I caught her doing so. I don't think looking through her texts were that big of a deal really. She could have looked at my phone at any time (and who knows, she may have) and she would have found nothing because I hadn't talked to any other girls or done anything with anyone - even though I probably should have. The difference here is that I FOUND exactly what I expected to, and so I confronted her about it. I could have said nothing, but that would have just added more complexity to an already complicated situation. I guess the point really is that (which is both our faults) if she wanted a break, then fine, but we should have agreed not to speak with each other for a set amount of time, because the constant contact simply made it easier for her to go about doing what she was doing, and harder for me to let it go.

What I was hoping for was that I would look though those texts, see nothing suspicious, and then just go back to sleep. But I didn't. And I KNOW there had to be more texts that had been deleted between now and then. So I said something. The saying that "actions speak louder than words" really applies in this case, because the second I saw her face when I brought this guy up, and the way she panicked afterward made her look awfully guilty of more than just "making out." Plus, she told me that she hadn't talked to this guy in a couple of months, which just is not true. She had texts on her phone from him ranging from a couple of months ago to a couple of weeks ago, as well as calls. So she lied! So, if she's lying, then why should I trust her? I asked her again again and again if there was someone else, and there was. She lied though and told me there wasn't.

A few weeks ago when I found out that she had made out with someone, I asked her who it was. She didn't tell me. Yeah, maybe its none of my business, but had she been straight up and told me everything then, I might not be as upset as now. Still doesn't change the fact that she lied though.

Also, I didn't ever expect her to move to the town I live in. She brought that up of her own accord. And as of right now, I have no plans to move with her to a big city because we needed to fix the relationship first (which is probably beyond fixing now). She knows that.

Well if you think you are justified in going through her text messages to make yourself feel better, there is nothing for me to say. That was wrong, and if you feel it's OK to invade someone's privacy so you can feel better about trusting them, where do you draw the line? If you don't trust her, if what she did when she was away from you bothers you, then you should not get back with her. You will question everything she does.

Well if you think you are justified in going through her text messages to make yourself feel better, there is nothing for me to say. That was wrong, and if you feel it's OK to invade someone's privacy so you can feel better about trusting them, where do you draw the line? If you don't trust her, if what she did when she was away from you bothers you, then you should not get back with her. You will question everything she does.

I've been thinking about this all day yesterday and since I woke up this morning. You are right, I know what I did was wrong. Whatever was in her phone was really none of my business. I feel bad about doing it, but like I said before, it's not like I am stalking the girl. I do draw the line somewhere, and I felt like checking her phone was something I needed to do to make sure she wasn't lying. If I had found nothing out of the ordinary, I would have left it at that.

But what's the greater wrong? Me looking at her texts, or her asking me to go on a "break" and wait for her while she messed around with someone else and then lying for months about it? I asked her again and again and again if the was someone else and she or if she would just like to play the field and she told me no each time. That was the very first thing I asked her when she asked me for a break. No, she said. She said there wasn't anyone else and she just wanted time and space to herself. But now I know she lied about that. Like I said, she wasn't even mad that I looked through her phone because she was so panicked, scared and busy trying to explain away all the texts because she knew I caught her lying. And I told her when she asked me for the break that I don't think I could really handle her being with someone else and then wanting to come back to me. And I still don't think I can. It would have been totally different if she had just told me she wanted to break up completely at the beginning and just leave each other alone for a while and have no contact, but that's not what she wanted. I even tried that when I found out she "made out" with someone else (which was this guy) but she kept calling me and showing up at my work. I even tried to get over the fact that she made out with someone because she played it off like she was drunk one night and made out with some random person who she never saw again. But no, it was this guy she's been talking to the whole time.

No, she wanted a break so that she could string me along and keep talking to me while she played me and dated someone else. I feel like my looking at her texts was SO less of a wrong thing to do than what she did to me. That's why I feel justified in looking at her texts. In my opinion, wrong as it may have been, it pales in comparison to what she's done to me. Does no one else agree with me?

She broke up with you, PERIOD. She was free to do whatever just as you were free to do whatever. Leave her alone. It's not going to work, because you feel betrayed and you probably will not forgive her. So tell her you can't handle this and leave it alone.
If you went through her phone and found nothing, you still invaaded her privacy and that was wrong. There are some things you just don't do.

Think about it, think about it real hard, you mean to tell me that through all your time together there where no signs that perhaps she wasn't the most trustworthy person? Ask yourself that. Analyze it.

Think about it, think about it real hard, you mean to tell me that through all your time together there where no signs that perhaps she wasn't the most trustworthy person? Ask yourself that. Analyze it.

To be honest, there weren't any signs like that. We spent most of our time together, except for when she left on family vacation or to visit some friends, and so I knew where she was and what she was doing most all the time. Even when she went on vacation I went with her occasionally. Of course, I wasn't spying on her or anything like that, but I didn't feel like I had to because I trusted her. When I looked through her phone for suspicious texts the other day was the first time I had ever done anything like that - and I felt bad even doing that but also felt like I had to. The only signs I started noticing was about a month before she dumped me - her friend (the bad influence roommate that stayed at her place after I moved out) was staying with us constantly, and the two of them would come home from bartending later than usual. I asked and she would say they stayed afterward for a few drinks or to hang out with the people that worked at the restaurant that merged with her bar, or something like that. What was probably happening was she was hanging out with this guy who she "made out" with, but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I had no idea anything like this would happen. But I don't have any evidence for that and I don't want to jump to conclusions. So, no I didn't really notice any signs like that. It really did just come out of the blue.

This girl, I swear. She texted me 17 times Saturday, starting from 2 in the afternoon to 2 in the morning. Her friend that I've mentioned above (bad influence ex-roommate - see previous posts) was in town for the weekend. Saturday they went out to the bar that she works at. I responded to her texts, and was friendly but short in my responses except for one, in which she told me that my night would be better if I was out. Only, she didn't say "with her," so I thought she meant she would feel better about herself if I was out drinking too. I just said "Uh, ok. I'm having plenty of fun sitting right here at home with my roommate and my friend playing XBOX." She sent a reply that was like "Oh I'm having fun but I'd be having more fun if you were out with me!" I didn't really respond to that because I didn't know what to say. Anyway, she sent another weird text at like 2:30AM saying she was up and I should call and tell her goodnight. I told her the truth, and said that I would call but I could barely keep my eyes open and so I should probably go to bed. She then sent a text saying that maybe we could talk tomorrow. I didn't respond to that because I had fallen asleep. So yesterday, I finally respond to her last text at like 11PM or so because she hadn't texted me all day, even though she did 17 times the previous day and said she wanted to talk. She basically sends back a one line text saying she's at a Christmas party for her work and asks me what's up. I just tell her that I'm responding to her last text, to have fun, and goodnight. She didn't respond to me at all after that.

Why in the hell does she text me 17 times one day and then act like she doesn't want to talk the next? My guess is she she went out Sat night and got drunk, and then decided to text me a bunch to try and get me interested in her again or something. But then Sund. Night she was at her work Christmas party with the guy that she "made out" with (who works in the restaurant half of the bar/restaurant she works at) and so was probably entertained and didn't want to be seen texting me a bunch. I don't know. For someone who has already gotten up with someone else, she sure as hell acts like she can't live without me sometimes.

Well in any case, I feel like President Bush saying "Mission Accomplished" when I read my posts, because a few pages back I was acting like I was done with her, but of course here I am, still trying to figure this woman out.

On a more positive note, I've kind of got this crush on a waitresses that works at a restaurant near my apartment. Turns out, my roommate's girlfriend is friends with her and knows I think she's a hottie, and so she's trying to set me up with her. I've had the chance to hang out with her twice since then and she is MEGA cool! She likes a lot of the same things as I do, and she is super hot as well. She's 4 years younger than me, but oh well! Last Thursday she invited a few of us out to her house and then we went out for drinks, and later on in the night most everyone that had come with us to the bar had gone home except for me, her, and my roommate's girlfriend. She ended up sitting right next to me and we talked for a good while, and she was definitely being flirty with me. I was surprised because I didn't think of my ex at all the whole time. But of course she texted me right in the middle of all of it saying "Hey! Hope you're having fun! Wish you were here!" Ugh. Anyway, we have plans to do the same thing again next Thurs! Hope it works out...

How come your story is changing? Ive been saying this from the beginning but you cost me points and now you are changing.

Well, I'd just like to post a quick update for anyone who is reading this thing still. All I got to really say is LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE ON HERE when they tell you to go NC if you've been dumped, because otherwise you will be strung along, and it's going to hurt really bad - I promise. I know NC hurts as well, but I guarantee that it hurts a whole lot less that realizing you have been used by someone who was supposed to love you, and someone that you spent almost every day of your life with for over 4 years. Hell, if I had done NC from the moment she told me she wanted a "break" she probably would have come running back. But now its WAY to late for that. I kept talking to her when she wanted to talk, kept texting back and forth with her when she wanted to text, and kept seeing her when she wanted. I even told her several times that I didn't want to talk to her anymore unless she was certain about wanting to get back together (see previous posts) but I never followed through. I then even let myself believe that she was ACTUALLY interested in getting back together with me, when she was really just scared because the first guy she tried to get with after we went on a "break" didn't work out and she was alone again. All she really was doing was using contact with me to ease her pain during the breakup and not feel bad about herself. And all this did was have the reverse effect on me, it made me feel hopeful that she was going to change her mind and want to get back together, but I know now it's not going to happen for sure and it's all come crashing down so hard.

Yeah, I looked through her phone - and she told me that after I did that she saw a different side of me that she's never seen before and now she wasn't sure about getting back together. I apologized like 10 times for looking through her phone but I also thought it was f'ed up for her to say that because the way she treated me after dumping me was a completely different side of her that I've never seen. It's so weird you know? It's like, all of my friends could see this happening to me. My Mom could see it too and she told me over and over again that she was simply using me and to just let her go. Everyone on this website could see this too and none of you even know who I am. But for some reason I couldn't because I wanted to believe that she still loved me and really just needed some time to herself.

I stopped by her apartment while she was out of town - so weird. All of my drawings and pics were all still up. It's like she just doesn't care enough about me to even give a $#!t that those things are still up on her wall.

I'm saying all of this because I recently found out that my ex has been having sex with a completely different guy now (not even the guy that I found texts from in her phone - I guess that one didn't work out for her), and has basically just lied to me from the start about not trying to string me along, and just needing a break to figure things out, etc. The worst part is that she apparently really likes him. If it's the guy I'm thinking about, I know who he is and even took him home once. What's even crazier is that I think this guy is the guy her bad influence ex-roommate had liked and had been hooking up with (again, read previous posts). So, now not only has she been lying to me and stringing me along, she's been keeping this secret from the very ex-roommate that helped influence her to try out this slutty behavior. How did this girl go from being the sweetest person I knew to being such a beeotch in such a short amount of time?

It's so wack because she's even continued to talk to me up until a few days ago, and was calling me pretty frequently over Christmas while she was visiting with her family. However, I slipped up and called her a week or so before Christmas all upset. I told her on the phone that I don't care what has gone on since we've stopped going out, and that I just love her so much and can't stand being without her and want to be with her, etc. - I know, I'm a wuss with no backbone. We were basically crying on the phone and she told me that she loved me so much too, but just needs more time still and is not sure she wants to get back together with me yet. I've come to realize that she needed "more time" to see if the new guy she was flirting with would turn into a relationship. I guess it did.

I mentioned hanging out with her for New Years a few days ago - she told me she had other plans even though about a month ago she said she wanted to spend it with me. I told her that she said that, and she said "Yeah I did, but all you said was "we'll see" and you never decided." I told her that's because I was having trouble trusting her about wanting to get back together, but that I always wanted to spend it with her. She basically didn't even seem interested in doing so after that.

The worst part about it is, once I found out she had sex with this guy and said she liked him (I basically found all of this out the next day after she was with him), she completely stopped calling me or texting me. I haven't talked to her since. And I really want to, really badly, but I know it's just beating a dead horse, and it's about to be 2008, and I need to start looking up and looking out for myself, but it's just so so hard because everything reminds me of her and the times we had. It sends a pang of hurt through my body. It makes me angry and upset that someone who supposedly loved me could ever consider just stringing me along like that and be OK with it. And I KNOW this girl loved me with all of her heart, but somewhere along the line something happened and she lost that love.

Honestly, almost the worst part too is that she's already found someone else and I've been so fixated on her and my plight that I haven't. I'm almost jealous in a weird way because she was able to forget about me so quickly and find someone else. I just have this empty void in my life where she used to be, and she was a huge part of my life. I'm jealous she was about to fill that void so quickly and find someone she likes. I mean, it hasn't even actually been 4 months yet. More like 3 months and 3 weeks. I am also jealous because she lives in a college town and works at a bar, so she has plenty of contact with young singles, whereas I live 30 minutes away in an area that is mostly families and high school kids, and I work a day job at a small computer company that employs basically NO women. I really just feel like a pile of garbage and feel like I need a rebound relationship or something but can't even find one because there are no chicks in my area or really in my group of friends. I feel like my life has just turned to $#!t and hers is apparently great, and that hurts me even more.

I could have avoided much of this hurt and maybe even brought her back to me if I had just gone NC from the very beginning. I just somehow managed to not know any better even though I had 50 people on here screaming at me and my Mom telling me that all I was doing was digging a deeper grave for myself. I feel like such an idiot.

Your not sticking with NC had nothing to do with it. Bottom line is you two were not meant to be. She wanted to leave and you wouldn't give up.
Now get over this and move on. Let this next year be the start of something good for you.
I wish you well.

Well,

Since not talking to her starting December 28th, I went about 9 or 10 days with no contact. I went to the beach with some of my friends, and was even considering leaving my phone at home because I didn't want her to call while I was there - but once I learned that she had slept with someone else, and she had stopped talking to me anyway, I decided to bring my phone because I really didn't think she would call.

On Jan. 7th I was laying in my bed at the beach thinking about her when my phone rang. It's a touch screen phone, so sometimes when I pull it out of the case I will accidentally hit "Answer" and don't realize it. Well, that's what happened this time. I didn't hear anyone talking and was about to put my phone away, but then I heard someone say "hello?" So I said "hello?" And it was her. We chatted about pointless stuff for a while - basically how the beach was. She never brought up her new man or anything about our relationship at all. I did my best to sound happy on the phone, and after about 10 minutes I told her I needed to go and shower and get ready for the day. I told her it was good talking to her, and that I would talk to her soon.

Well then about a week goes by, and I kind of expected her to call again, but she didn't. So then I made the stupidest mistake ever and sent her a text saying something along the lines of "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to make sure you were alive over there still. Hope everything is well with you." She responded with "everything is pretty good over here! Just working a lot...ew! How are u doing?" I responded to that by saying "can't complain, everything is going well!" Which of course is a complete lie because I still think about her all the time. She responded a few hours later by saying that was good, and that she wanted to hear how my new job location was going. I responded back by telling her it was OK, and that I hope her job was going well too. She didn't write back after that.

Then I made ANOTHER idiotic mistake and called her the next day. My intentions were to ask her if she would like to watch a basketball game with me (even though I'm sure she would have shot me down, but who knows). She didn't answer the phone anyway, and I didn't leave a message. She texted the next day to ask me if I called her and told me her phone was not working right (which is true, I knew about her phone messing up before we even broke up) and that she would be getting a new phone soon. I didn't respond to this text because I felt like I broke NC and I didn't want to keep breaking it.

She called me the day after that - I didn't notice my phone ringing, but she left a message saying hey, and that she thought I called the other day but wasn't sure because her phone sucks, and that she was getting a new phone soon. The message sounded weird though, as if she was talking to some old friend she hadn't talked to in years, instead of an ex boyfriend she was just recently in a relationship with. She was all like "Hey **** it's ***** calling" as if I didn't know who it was.

Anyway, that message made me feel weird and I haven't responded to it yet. That was last Friday. Now I don't know what the hell to do. Yay, back to square 1. I shouldn't have started the contact, I know. But now I feel like an @$$ by not responding, even though I think I probably shouldn't. But I don't want her sitting over there being like "well he's being an @$$hole because he tried to talk to me but when I respond back he says nothing." But then again, why should I care what she thinks about me, because she dumped me. Also, I don't want to be sending her texts if she's sitting right next to this guy she may or may not be dating right now, because they will probably just laugh at me. I don't know if I should send a text saying that yes I did call, and sorry for taking so long to respond, or if I should just say nothing at all. Help please!

You need to give her up, it really does not matter if she texts you or calls you because she has still made up her mind and you will only prolong the process of hurt and all the missing her if you keep the contact :/

You need to give her up, it really does not matter if she texts you or calls you because she has still made up her mind and you will only prolong the process of hurt and all the missing her if you keep the contact :/


Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.

Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.


You know I am going through a very similar situation as you... only me and her are still in college. Like real close situation and everything. I feel you on this... I guess one thing I realized that I do feel too young to be tied down that there are so many years of life to live up before having to actually settle down. She of course is fine, I've been a mess for many months. Only now am I getting my life slowly back on its feet. I do hope I run into her again in the way future.. when it actually matters I guess. Because everyone even she thought we were perfect for each other and everything.. like I can tell she realized how young she was still and still in college... so I duno how she is really feeling.. but yeah I am a confused guy too. Every day from the second I wake up the second I go to bed I am like what the he---lllll happened.

Its tough but what I am doing now is like doing my best to live life up and do things I haven't done before. I find the more I am with my friends doing things the more my mind is off her. ITS REALLY TOUGH, it was like a life changing thing for me. But I guess id like to think if its met to be we will run into each other again when it matters...


I noticed you did the samething as me by taking the blame at times for the few fights you guys had. Samething happened with me. I did it to keep her happy or whatever. I duno this sucks. My relationship was 3 years, so I can only imagine what your going through... talk to me more if you wantt its easier when I guess someone else is going through similar crap

Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.


Ok, OK, I hear you, I'm sure you're in love with her crazy but the thing is, first off, her mom thinking you two were soul mates won't change anything, maybe she didn't feel that way really but was too scared to admit it?

And secondly, she wants some "freak out" time? It could mean she wants to party, make mistakes and perhaps even sleep with others, now I'm sure that thought repulse you but it might just be the cold and bitter truth :/

Anyway, I could be wrong from all the things going around in my head.. my girl broke up with me 2 weeks ago~ and I'm still trying to cope with it.

And secondly, she wants some "freak out" time? it could mean she wants to party, make mistakes and perhaps even sleep with others, now I'm sure that thought repulse you but it might just be the cold and bitter truth :/

No, that's exactly what she wants to do I think, and is doing. Which is fine in a way - I mean, I want her to be happy. If she wasn't happy in a relationship with me, then better that she's not.

I'm just b!tc#ing about the way she went about it - making me think we were on a "break" instead of breaking up, then stringing me along and acting like she wanted me back for a bit. I took the advice of people on here and acted aloof and as if I had something else to do, and didn't answer every call or text, and responded back at later times. This worked for a while, but then, as soon as I stopped acting aloof (which was fake of course, I always wanted her back but didn't want to come across as whiny and wimpy) and told her that I loved her and want to be with her, she told me she "needed more time." And then she freaks and moves on to another guy and completely stops talking to me. No Happy New Years - nothing. It's like, all she did was just lie to me. It just hurts because I loved this girl for 4 years and then some, and we REALLY did have a great relationship and were together all the time, so I feel like she owes it to me to be honest with me. Of course, I feel like she might have been lying to me so as to not hurt me and let me down easily, but all it did was make things way worse, because then I had to go find out about it on my own. In any case, she lied and wasn't straight up with me. This isn't a prefect world, so I come vent.

What's crazy about the whole thing is she isn't aware that I know she's slept with someone else. That basically means she had to have thought "well, I've got a choice. This new guy, or get back with my old bf. I pick new guy, but I'm not going to ever tell my old bf and hope he just stops calling." That's f'ed up in itself, and luckily I found out about it and made no effort to contact her since then, except for a slip up last week. She didn't either, except for one call after about 10 days of NC. If she would have just been honest with me from the beginning and told me we needed to break up, and told me she was interested in someone else, or at least that she just wanted to be single, then I would have probably been more over it by now. I even asked her over and over if there was someone else or if she wanted to just play the field. She said "no" every time. She kept me clinging onto false hope for like 4 months because I really believed we were supposed to be together.

I know it would have been hard to do, but if she got the courage up to break up with me then she should have had the courage to tell me she was interested in someone else. But instead, she kept saying she "needed more time." I believed her when she said she wanted to work on "us" after 2 months of being apart, when I guess she really just wanted me as a fall back plan. Or at least, that's how it seems from my end, and I can't ever find out what she was thinking the whole time because she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about relationship stuff, and I don't want to keep breaking NC. We don't really have any mutual friends either, and I can't talk to her friends because they'll just run and tell her everything I said. Also, if I do ever talk to her again, I don't want to keep associating our convos with sad relationship talk, right? That'll make her never want to talk to me again.

I've considered writing a heartfelt email where I don't accuse her of anything really, but just say how this whole thing has made me feel and why I acted the way I did at certain times, and let her know that I love her and will always be there for her (which is true, no matter how much she wronged me). However, I'm no fool, and I know that all this will do is make me look weak, and make me look like I can't live my life without her. And IF she was ever having second thoughts about what she did, I'm sure this email will destroy those because she'll think "oh well I can go do whatever, and he will always be waiting for me" Truth of the matter is, right now I'm having a hard time living without her, but I know I'll get by and be OK eventually. It would help if I could find another woman to fill the void, but haven't had any luck at all so far.

I know how you feel confused... I am so lost without my ex, what makes today worse is that it is 2 1/2 years today. Had we been together, this day would have slip both our minds, but instead since we r apart, it's been on my mind all day. I wish she was honest with me too about this whole situation because if it was just jealousy that was an issue and she was "so in love" with me then when I took the steps to rectify the situation(therapy, online courses, and 6 books) would have been a sign to her that I mean it this time about changing. But no instead she doesn't even look my way anymore and it kills me to know that everything has turned into this situation.

Having another girl also doesn't solve the situation, believe me. I have tried it.. Several times with hookin up with random girls and flirting. All it did for me was just make me miss the connection I had with my ex, because I could just lay in bed with her and watch her sleep for hours. Sounds like a stalker but it was just nice to see her so peaceful... I have sworn off this whole love stuff ha ha

Damn.. What's up with that girl? That's so ****ing mean, I can't believe you put up with it! I know you have feelings for her and that they die hard but I mean damn.. you shouldn't have to take that behavior from anyone! There really is plenty more fish in the sea.. even though I sit here all alone and trying so hard not to reminisce about the good times with my ex I still want to call her, but I try not to, cause I know in the long run it will only make things worse!

Damn..! What's up with that girl? That's so ****ing mean, I can't believe you put up with it! I know you have feelings for her and that they die hard but I mean damn.. you shouldn't have to take that behavior from anyone! There really is plenty more fish in the sea.. even though I sit here all alone and trying so hard not to reminisce about the good times with my ex I still want to call her, but I try not to, cause I know in the long run it will only make things worse!


That's what I"m sayin yo. You would think after 4 years with someone you wouldn't be so selfish and inconsiderate, especially when that other person loves you. Again, I'm not so upset that she dumped me - I mean yeah that sucks, but I at least understand how it feels to just not want to be in a relationship anymore. I've been the dumper before and it's like "yeah, I really like this person, but I just don't want them anymore." And, as the dumper, by the time you've made that decision you are already so much further along than the dumpee in the whole breakup. And you know what, that's fine. I'm just upset at the way the whole thing went down. It makes me feel like I did something wrong or something, seriously. And I know I contributed to the downfall of the relationship, but she did as well. But, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to work on it. I knew we were in a rut at the time, but to me that's something you can fix if you just work on the problem, especially if you love each other enough. She felt differently I guess. Only reason I took her F'ed up behavior during the whole thing is because I loved her and wanted it to work.

I know I can't change the way it went down, but I mean damn. If she had just said to me "We need to break up - I think I have feelings for someone else" yes, I would have been upset. Yes, it would have hurt. But I would probably be close to over it by now.

I know there's more fish in the sea, but I guess I'm just not seeing them right now. Every one I come across that I kind of like anyway always seems to have a boyfriend already. Plus, my game is so rusty because I haven't had to worry about it for 4 years. We need a thread on here to teach all the rusty singles out there how to flirt properly and with confidence!

Only thing I can hope for now is that someone will burn her the way she burned me. She's only been in two serious relationships as far as I know. First time she dated a guy throughout most of high school, stuck with him longer than she wanted, and then dumped him when she got tired. Then she was single for a year during freshman year of college, and then dated me for the rest of her college years plus one more. And then, surprise, she dumped me when she got tired of me. Sooner or later she's going to fall for someone who's going to do the same to her, and then she'll finally have to feel the pain that I just went through.

You know what I love? When the person who does the dumping thinks it's the right thing to do and then goes ahead with their life, gets into a new relationship, etc. only to realize a short while later, when they are alone and life isn't so good for them right then, that they should have never dumped their ex. Happened to me when I dumped my high school girl. It'll happen to my ex too probably. But there's a possibility that her rebound will be her next serious boyfriend... it does happen...

We need a thread on here to teach all the rusty singles out there how to flirt properly and with confidence!

Not a bad idea... why don't you start one.

Not a bad idea.........why don't you start one.

Haha, I might. However, I am one of those rusty singles, so I'm lacking in the advice department as of right now.