Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy because we didn't really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didn't want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and I understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. It has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devastated, telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. She has been going out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that I shouldn't contact her but it is really hard because we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how I feel about her and I don't know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isn't ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work I don't work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and I don't want to lose her, should I keep fighting or just hold off for a while? Thanks for any help and advice.

Some of this maybe harsh. How come she has friends and you don't? You made the mistake of making someone else your whole life. That is awful. That is also probably a reason why she got bored with the relationship. She may have realized that she had plenty to do without you, but you don't have much to do without her.

You have to leave her alone and GROW ON YOUR OWN. EVEN if she wants to come back, you have to have some balance in your life. She is fine without you because she HAS MANY OTHER THINGS TO DO. You should too. Even if you have no friends, you have the opportunity now to make them.

If you don't want to be around with other people too much because of your emotional state, GO FOR A WALK, OR A DRIVE, GO TO THE GYM. STAY BUSY. She is too busy to think about you. It's time you became busy enough to forget about her.

I hope she does come back to you. BUT STOP TALKING, CALLING, TEXTING. Don't do this to win her back. Do it to get yourself a BALANCED LIFE. ANOTHER PERSON SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR LIFE!! EVER.

Good luck. DON'T CALL HER. GO OUT. START YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HER ASAP.

--Cali

Well "ilovecali" was right about those things. Having friends is very important when in a relationship, especially a long term relationship. I can relate to your former girlfriend, my boyfriend doesn't have any friends and I have tons, it isn't good to have your life evolve around her, it is ANNOYING. I think you should stop calling her, let her call you. I understand that she needs a break, breaks are also very important. I am not trying to be mean, but this is important, no matter how much you feel like she is slipping away, she just needs time. YOU WILL LOSE HER FOR GOOD IF YOU KEEP BUGGING HER.

Well OK. Give it a little longer, a few weeks, maybe a couple of months and if she doesn't at least want to be your friend then she is NOT worth it. Remember that, SHE IS NOT WORTH IT, and it will make it easier for you to move on.

I hope this helped.

Good luck!

Well an update to the situation. Last night we talked and I told her everything I am feeling. I just wanted her to know how I felt and what I wanted. We talked and I feel better but she says its only been a week and she needs more time. She says we can still talk but she will let me know when she is ready to see me and possibly try to be together again. Is this good news? I mean I feel a little better that she is not shutting me out of her life and I am still holding out hope that things will work out in the end. I just don't know how long she means, its hard to just keep wondering when the time will be right. I don't expect her to change her feelings right away and I just want to start fresh, take her out to dinner, on dates like we use to when we first began our relationship. Any opinions ? Oh and I do have friends, just haven't hung out with them as much since we been together. She doesn't have a lot of friends either, just 1 or 2 close ones that happen to know a lot of people.

Well, I am happy that she wants to stay in touch, however she was right when she said that a week wasn't long enough. This sort of thing takes time, lot and lots of time. Going on dates might be a little much for now, you might want to wait a couple of months like I said in my previous opinion. You do not want to go on dates with her if you think that it will hurt you in the long run. I know it was hard for me to date somebody I loved that didn't feel the same for me. You don't want to get your hopes up.

Also, she shouldn't be the only one you date, meet other girls around your age, make new friends. You don't want her to think that you are drooling all over her, at least not until you know that she feels the same for you.

I hope this helped.

Thanks for the advice and help. My g/f is a really emotional person and she lets things such as school and work really get to her. She is in her last semester of college and has a full load of hard classes. I went through that and understand. I know she still loves me so I just want her to have time and miss me and want me to be in her life. I know there's not much I can do but its hard to think about. We have had problems like this before but never for this long, that's why its so hard on me. I keep thinking to the other times where we talked and things got worked out. Its hard for me not to call her since I am so use to talking to her a few times a day. Is there hope for us? I just want to hear that this has happened and people have gotten back together and had a stronger relationship.

To add to above, I really want to do something special for her that will really make her understand how much I want this to work and that I'm sorry for whatever I have done to lead to this. Is this a good idea? How long should I wait before even attempting this? I know that I should probably wait until she feels comfortable to see me but after that how long? I feel like I have to fight for her, because if I don't we may grow farther and farther apart? I know this is probably not recommended but I can't sit by for weeks and weeks doing nothing. Any opinions? These things are going through my head and seem like a good idea, what do you all think?

LEAVE HER ALONE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE HER ALONE! You keep this up, you'll destroy any shot you have to be with her.

STOP TALKING TO HER. The more you try now, the farther you'll push her away. She's not stupid. She knows you think she's special. You did date her for 4 years didn't you? Why would you date someone 4 years if you didn't think she was special?

Life is not a movie. YOU DON'T STAND UNDER HER WINDOW LIKE ROMEO, YOU DON'T WRITE HER POETRY, YOU DON'T KEEP TELLING HER SHE'S SPECIAL. Not if you EVER WANT HER BACK in your situation.

I assume she dated you because she thought you were a cool guy? You think some puppy dog, desperate sounding, pathetic guy is going to attract her? NO! What is more attractive is a guy who can live his life WITHOUT HER.

SHOW HER YOU DON'T NEED HER BUT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE HER. Does that make sense? Show her you DON'T NEED her, but you DO WANT HER. There is a difference between the two.

The only way you do that is move on. STOP TALKING TO HER, DON'T CALL HER, DON'T TEXT HER. ACT LIKE A MAN.

You may lose her but you'll be a much stronger person which is GOOD in the long run. But doing this puppy dog stuff NOW will NOT WIN HER BACK.

LEAVE HER ALONE. GET YOURSELF A BALANCED LIFE. That's more important that any girl.

--Cali

Thanks for the advice, I will try my best to follow it because I do want her back and not push her away. What if time passes and she hasn't called me? I know I will find myself wondering what she is doing, if she is missing me and all that stuff. I know I will have the weakness to want to call her, to know if she really has moved on or if she is still "thinking" things through.

>> what if time passes and she hasn't called me?

Then you know the answer as much as it sucks. DO NOT CALL HER. If she wants to be with you, she won't make it so hard. And if you have the moment of weakness, remember that it is NASTY TO JUST DUMP someone like she DUMPED YOU. That is not a nice thing to do. That should make you angry. Why would you care what someone who MISTREATED you is up to?

She made a SELFISH decision to leave you to find herself. It is not wrong on her part to THINK FOR HERSELF and her happiness. But now you have to THINK ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. Pining after her WILL NOT make you happy. Being happy with yourself, WITHOUT HER, will make you HAPPY. Strive towards that.

Also remember, SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD. There will be more in your life that come and go unless you are one of the lucky few who finds your "one" without a hitch.

STAY STRONG WITHOUT HER!

--Cali

OK well I have a semi-update with some promising news, maybe. I have been talking to her brother, w/out her knowledge of course, and he says just let her have some space and she will come back to you. He knows she still cares about me and loves me. She just wants some space to think and be by herself, we have been together almost all the time for 4 yrs. So I mean I am not by any means changing my strategy, just optimistic that things will eventually work out.

I'm glad you have decided to respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. Keep doing that. Don't spend the time apart wondering what she is going to say or do, do not use the time to bug her about working things out. Use this time to make a better person of yourself. Use this time to become the man that she (or whoever the future woman might be) needs and wants in there life. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure everything will work out for you in the end (although sometimes the better outcome is one which we do not expect).

Well I am back again because I am feeling extra crappy this morning. I had a moment of weakness and looked at her Facebook page and saw some pics from this past weekend with her some of her friends. I also saw some guy that I never seen before, and they were taking pics together and stuff. I then got my cell phone bill, since we shared a plan, and I saw a new # that she has been talking to and messaging a lot just recently. I have a feeling its this guy from the picture. I mean they aren't talking for hours or for long at a time but a lot of texts and stuff. I am feeling extra crappy about this, I don't know if this is just a friend or someone she likes. Its hard because we been together 4 yrs, and for her to switch so fast is just hard to understand and cope with. I hope I am over-reacting but it feels horrible. I really just want to meet with her and get everything out and want her to be honest with me about everything and if she is interested in someone else. I know this is not right, but I feel like not talking to her or making contact will only lead her more and more into someone else's arms.

You have to follow your path. I think everyone has told you what you SHOULD DO. But you aren't listening. The path you are taking will only lead to a lot more pain, and push your ex farther into someone's arms. Anyway, clearly this is your first serious break-up. So maybe you do need to go on your own path and find the results. Hopefully you do learn though should this happen again.

Good luck to you.

--Cali

Thanks for the advice again... I felt so much like crap that I left work early today, I just feel terrible. I was weak in that moment and I called her. We talked for a little while and then I just began babbling about my feelings again. At first we were talking but then I could tell she was getting mad about it. So I stopped and told her that I didn't mean to. She basically told me that she wants to be able to talk to me as a friend and has not forgotten about me. She just wants to hang out with different people and be true to herself. This is devastating news for me, I mean I was hoping she would take some space and come back to me eventually. I know its only been a week and this could still happen in the future? Its just hard for me to accept that its over. I just want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance. I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.

I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.
And you will stay that way until you get a life. You have thanked everyone for their advice and have followed none of it. Your bad!! You have put so much into this female that you have nothing now that she is gone, not healthy at all. We have all made that mistake and the reality is you must accept that that part of your life is over and get busy rebuilding a life that your happy with. Your mistake is instead of correcting what you've done wrong you are choosing to wallow in self pity, that won't bring you anything but more misery. Do you really think she will comeback to someone who is that pitiful? Do you not see how unattractive you have allowed yourself to become in her eyes? No wonder she left. Get off your butt and get your act together. Start now with learning to like yourself and figure how to be happy with yourself and leave the poor girl alone and focus on you.

want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance.
You have done nothing to deserve a chance and never will until you can focus on you, not her. A female wants a happy man who can stand on his own, and that ain't what your doing. Give yourself a chance, and get yourself a happy, healthy life. New friends, new attitude, and a new outlook.

I know, I totally agree with what you say. Just coming to grips with the reality of the situation is harder than I ever thought. Hopefully after today, I can start on the right track.

Well another update to my situation... I met her today after she finished school and we talked about everything. It made me feel a lot better to see her and to see that she truly was affected by all this as well. It seems that she just wants some time for herself, not worrying about the pressures that come with being in a relationship for now. She has been in relationships pretty much since middle of high school. She still loves me and cares for me just needs time to figure herself out and to be alone for a while. There is no guarantee we will get back together but I am confident that we will, because I think we are meant to be and we both truly care for one another. For now, we will talk every once in a while, she still wants to see how I am doing and what's going on in my life. I appreciate that and feel better having talked to her and putting everything out in the open. Hopefully over time we will grow and come back to each other. For now, however I am just going to do whatever I want, play golf, work out, and hang with other people. Wish me luck, that I am able to get through this and eventually me and my love will be back together. Thanks for everyone's help and advice through this hard time.

Well today I am feeling a little better, but I have a feeling that it totally hasn't set in yet. I just want to know if I am wrong for hoping that this works out in the end? I mean I know she will be doing her thing and wants to take things slow but I mean I know eventually I am going to want to see her again, ask her on a date to see if there is truly anything left. We don't hate each other or want to close the book on "us" so its hard for me to accept that we are truly over for good. Do you guys believe if people are meant to be together, eventually they will?

>>want to close the book on "us"

She DOES, you DON'T. No it hasn't sunk in yet. You're doing what people usually. Rather than accept loss and confront the pain, you're still in denial and will actually PROLONG your pain.

And I am willing to bet for now, the only reason she has not cut you off completely is because she's BEING NICE. Being nice DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

This will take you months to "get over". But it will take less time if you follow the advice people have been giving you. You're trying to force the issue with her. She may not hate you now, but unless you begin to man up and stop entertaing any FALSE HOPE she will really not like you.

Find something to do. She won't be out of your mind, but at least you'll be active. That will help you get over her. DO NOT CALL HER FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS!! 3 MONTHS. Let her call you and only call back after 3-4 times. YES, it is now a game. SHE LEFT YOU. Now don't LET HER WALK ALL OVER you. I think you will though.

Good luck.

--Cali

HEEEEY! Everyone has given you good advise - Take heed. Ill probably repeat it here. Trust me a lot of us have been in similar situations and life does get so much easier, specially with no contact. Every day is better in NC. What you have to do right now is let go. If you don't, your going to suffer emotionally and eventually physically.

You must be strong and no longer contact this person or anything to do with her. You must block her from your life completely, although so hard - its for your benefit. Yes it sux to see or know she's with other guys, but that's what she maybe wants. She's confused. Have some respect for yourself, she doesn't want you and is obviously having mixed feelings.

Looking back over my past experiances being in the other position. The more clingy and suggestive the person was towards me the further I ran or withdrew. Honestly, ignorance is really bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. Its not going to be easy to move on with your life but from it your become a stronger and wiser person with or without her.

The good news is we have all been in your shoes, and really do support you because we all know how hard of a time you are having. It can't be fun at this point.
The bad news, this is something you must do for yourself. Its darned hard, but the sooner you focus on you and not her, the sooner the healing can begin. You can do this.

Do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out? I mean if I let go and do NC , that is going to be on my mind a lot. I am just feeling that if I don't talk to her every once in a while that she will truly forget about me. I know what you all are saying and it sounds good, its just hard to do after so long.

>>do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?

They kind of have to don't they? I'll tell you I do believe that things happen for a reason, and anything is possible. But you HAVE TO MOVE ON. Look at the thread about "loved one's coming back". Read Jiser's post.

It took YEARS for ex's to get back together. In the mean time, they went on and lived their own lives, even dated other folks. So anything can happen.

But don't CLING to the hope you'll be back together. Live your life without her. Like Tal said, we all have been there and it DOES SUCK. But it's life, you have to accept the good with the bad and continue on.

It's time for you to MOVE FORWARD. GET BUSY.

--Cali

Thank you all for the advice and support. I was doing pretty well today until the past half hour and I began to get emotional and think of things. Well I am going to try and be strong and move on with my life, even though I know it will not be easy at all.

do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?
YES I do, but all the evidence shows that is not what she wants, so it is important for you to accept what she feels and let it go and get your own life without her. You can't force anyone to want what you do. If you were mean't to be together now you would be, but your NOT!

Well everyone, thank you all for your support... I have really come to the realization that things happen for a reason and that if we are meant to be we will. We both have to grow and mature so that if we do end up back together sometime, it will really last and be what we want. Hopefully everything will work out and if not, better things will come. I know I have been stubborn with your advice but I really take it to heart and it has helped me through this unknown and difficult time. I will keep you all updated and hopefully one day I can give others advice that was given to me and worked for me. Wish me luck trying to move on in my life and that things work out for the best. Thanks!

I hope you listen and take the advice given, DO NOT contact her under any circumstances. She will not forget you and if she does the she was never coming back anyway,

Most common mistake made here during a break up is Under valuing yourself worrying about weather they will forget aboiut you.

After a long relationship if you treated them well they do not forget memories are not automatically wiped, tghere will be days when she thinks of you and maay even contct you. This does not mean she wants you back it may just be her way of keeping the door open.

If you truly want to know if you are to be together WALK away and ansewer no calls leave her out of your life,

For the more quick you start living life without her the more quick she will realise weather she wants to be part of your life... SIMPLE!! You will have you answer then!!

Hi everyone, today I have been feeling a little better but it has been on my mind all day. I keep telling myself to follow your advice and info but its hard. I really don't want the relationship back , I just want her back and a chance to start fresh, because we really did complement each other well and worked well together. I find it hard to start to move on w/out her but I know this is the correct path for now. I just keep hoping that she will call me and realize she made a mistake, but its probably been too soon for this anyway. I JUST want to PROVE her wrong, and prove to her that she made the WRONG decision. I know I am probably going to have to see her in the near future to square away our cell phone bill and change the plan, we had a joint plan. I don't know how that is going to feel whenver that happens. I just want her to realize that I am special, she knew I was special obviously being with me for 4 years and that she still sees me as someone in her future. Well anyway, I have been on this site all day at work reading other people's stories just to have hope that things work out. I wanted to ask your opinion on another issue, her birthday will be in early November and I don't know if it will be too soon, but I maybe might want to ask her for dinner to talk and see where we stand at that point or just to see how it feels for both of us. I know thinking about this isn't allowing me to move on, but I don't think I am ready to move on yet, I know I should but my hope is consuming me for now. I am not going to call her but I know I will probably talk to her between now and then. I know all of your advice and help is right, its just so hard to actually do it. Thanks again

I feel for you man. We've all been there, hoping, romanticising. Well, that's perfectly normal. Happens to us all. DON'T ACT on your feelings though. Right now, your own brain is malfunctioning when it comes to your ex. You're not letting the rational thoughts stay because you keep replacing them with the stuff you HOPE happens.

Anyway, like I said, anything IS POSSIBLE. But DON'T FORCE THE ISSUE. Don't initiate any contact with her. NONE. And by November, if she hasn't bothered to contact you, LET IT GO. And you KEEP SO BUSY in the meantime, that you force your brain to think about other stuff.

Good luck. MOVE FORWARD. We're all with you on it. We know it's tough.

--Cali

Thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if I don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do I try to do something then? Or try to talk to her about where we stand? Or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. We are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this because I treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.

Well, she dumped you. If she wants to be with you, LET HER CHASE YOU! You stay cool. Never talk about the break-up. NEVER tell her she's special. NEVER tell her you miss her. You're COOL, BUSY, HAVE A MILLION THINGS going on.

So start with that. Actually find a MILLION THINGS TO DO. After my worst break-up I just worked. I worked all the time. I'm a grad student, so I just focused on my work. It paid way more dividends than thinking of the girl and I did think of her, but while I was being productive. And I NEVER CALLED HER, NOT ONCE. She didn't call either.

Honestly, if she really wants to be with you again, it'll START when she realizes that you ARE LVING YOUR LIFE with or without her. Remember, she's was just a part, maybe a big part, but only a part of your life.

PLAY SPORTS, PLAY POKER, WORK MORE HOURS, HIT THE GYM. All that time you spent on her is now free time. Get busy filling the free time.

And LET HER CHASE YOU! Don't EVER CHASE this girl AGAIN. That's the only way I think. And who knows, while you do all this other stuff, maybe some other cute chick begins to wonder who that BUSY GUY is. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

--Cali

Well today I went out with some friends just to hang out and I felt better at first. We were having fun and stuff but as time went on I began to miss my exgf. I just realized how long it has been since I was out without her and I just missed her being there with me. It was hard to have fun after that because I felt like crap. I know she was probably out too and it just took it out of me. I want to hope that she misses me too, but I don't know. I am starting to really see how hard this is going to be and I don't know if I can handle it and stick to the NC and everything. I really don't know if I am strong enough to do this.

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied... it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy... and not by thinking about her.

thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if i don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do i try to do something then? or try to talk to her about where we stand? or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. we are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this b/c i treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.
Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

Yeah I know that if I don't talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so I am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied...it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy...and not by thinking about her.

Thanks for the response, I have heard of the saying but these sayings, easy to read and understand, are hard to believe when its happening to you. I hope I start feeling better because I don't know how much longer of feeling like this I can handle.

yeah i know that if i dont talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so i am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.
And she may miss you, but that does not mean she wants to get back with you. She has told you what she wants and you don't want to accept it.

Yeah you are right, I don't want to accept it. I don't think anyone would want to accept that the person you have loved and been with for 4 years doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now even though they say they do still love you and care about you. Its hard to take and it a blow to my self-esteem and self image. It makes me feel like something happened where she felt I wasn't good enough or something. I think she does miss me at times and from my point of view I don't see why we can't be together. I guess it will just take time to see what happens and to make me feel better. I want to believe that the hope I feel inside isn't false hope but who knows. Everyone keeps telling me that if its meant to be it will be. I just wish I knew for sure. I just hope that when I look back at this time in my life, in the future, that I see that it made me stronger and was worth the pain. If that means getting back with her that would be great or maybe something better will come along. The unknown is just very scary for me right now.

Yeah, that is kind of how life is. You don't always know for sure how things will turn out. That is when you have to sit down add things up and then say, "this is not what I want, but it looks like this is the way it's going to be." You take a deep breath and then move on.
People can and do grow out of each other, especially when you are young. You grow, mature and change. This is why I don't advocate marriage for really young people. You can be in love with a person and as you grow and mature your interest change, what you want out of life changes and the person you love may not be the person you want to build a future with. In situations like this people get hurt, but in the long run, things work out for the best.
I'm sure this will be the case for you. Things will work out for the best.

Thanks for your support, I look forward to a better future, with or without her. Its just the road there that will be tough, at least for now.

Yeah, but you will be fine.

I Just keep feeling like I have to do something to prove to her that I am the "one". I know I shouldn't have to but that's how I feel inside. I just feel so crappy when I wake up and when I realize what is really going on, I am not hungry and I have been feeling physically ill. I am finding it hard to sit by and let things play out because I am afraid what I want isn't going to happen. Its hard for me to accept that she feels this way right now and I just want to talk to her and see her and explain to her how I feel. I am really messed up and I know you have all given me great advice. My life just feels so empty and pointless right now it hurts. I don't want to go down this road of loneliness because I truly think that she is the one for me.

I have read this entire post - sounds very familiar to my situation. I am not one to be giving advice, but I feel that this should be mentioned. Someone brought up a portion of the quote "If you love something ...." Here is the entire quote. It is from an ancient Chinese Proverb designed to help you let go -

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."

This rings true and makes me think of something my ex said during one of our conversations before NC - here is the background:

He (my ex) recently was in his cousins wedding - his cousin was marrying a girl he met MANY years ago, but the couple had been dating 2 yrs before they got married. Here is the kicker - while the two had met many years ago, they also dated then as well and broke things off. They remained friends but did not date one another for TWO YEARS - here they are 4 yrs later, married. I can only hope that you and I be lucky enough to experience this, but once again, read that proverb because it makes total sense.

Thank you for your post, that proverb does make sense, just thinking about it is hard to accept. I feel like I need to see her and talk to her one more time before NC, so I can really be honest and she can be honest with me. Maybe by end of this weekend I will do that and then be prepared to move on.

Did you read my previous post? My own post? I know everyone on here says NC is best, which it is - but you need to set a boundary, if not with her, with yourself. Give yourself a set amount of time to grieve. Losing a mate is like losing a loved one, only you have a constant reminder of them because there is always the chance that you could see them, or hear about them. But IMO and its hard because I am currently going through it, you just have to be strong and go along with the timeline. My ex and I set two weeks aside for him to think, at the end of those two weeks we said we would meet and discuss things - he also said that in that time if he figured things out before he would contact me. If she isn't willing to do this then maybe you need to take control and tell her you are moving on, with or without her.

Is writing one last heartfelt letter expressing all my feelings and hopes a bad idea? I feel like I just need to express what I am feeling because its not letting me function as a normal person.

thank you for your post, that proverb does make sense, just thinking about it is hard to accept. I feel like i need to see her and talk to her one more time before NC, so i can really be honest and she can be honest with me. Maybe by end of this weekend I will do that and then be prepared to move on.
The trouble with that is, she has been honest with you. You are the one not accepting what she has said and your writing her a letter or having "one more" conversation is not respecting her feelings and her decision..
She let go, you are the one with the problem. I know it's hard, but let it go. Leave her alone. No means No.

Writing the letter is a good idea - giving it to her is bad. I have been journaling every day since and I find it helps me cope a little bit more.

I would hold off on the letter... listen to everyone here stay away from her. She knows how you feel BELIEVE me on this one she does. You have to be strong and NOT let all of these emotions effect your daily life. It will consume you and at that point you will become overly obsessive with letting her know this and that and finally you will drive her farther and farther away. Go out and find things to do... join clubs etc. I just went and applied to be a voluteer fireman a few days ago. You just have to "free your mind" of all of the thoughts of "what could have been and why me". Focus on the present and tomorrow day by day. You will find once you stop all of that "negative" thinking you will have so much time on your hands to enjoy yourself. Become the YOU that she first met... that will show her how much she misses you...

Think Happy Thoughts :)

The trouble with that is, she has been honest with you. You are the one not accepting what she has said and your writing her a letter or having "one more" conversation is not respecting her feelings and her decision..
She let go, you are the one with the problem. I know it's hard, but let it go. Leave her alone. No means No.


Well I don't know if she has been completely honest with me. She says she doesn't want any relationship and just time to herself but I have the feeling that she is haning out with a guy she works with and well I want to know if she is doing this because she wants to be with him and not me. I feel like she has been saying the right things to not make me feel as bad but I don't think it's the total truth. I just want to know so I can start to move on, not knowing will really bother me.

Well if she is seeing another guy, that should tell you something. She has moved on. You need to do the same.

Well that's the thing I don't think she is but I am not sure, I want her to be honest with me that's all.

Just because she is seeing another guy doesn't mean she has moved on just means she si trying..

What she is saying is she wants some new meat.

You can't impose your will on others so walk away, she wants space give her space. The rest of her life in fact. There are other women out there, some of them far better than her. Look at it this way, better she wants to take a break in things now... that a few years after you get married.

Well this is what's really confusing me right now. When we last talked in person, I told her everything I was feeling and what I wanted to do about us. She said that she is not ready now and doesn't want to go back on her decision. I have a feeling that she feels like she made a decision and doesn't want to go back on it no matter what. I know there is a connection between us still by the look in her eyes and her agreeing to meet me. I keep thinking and feeling there is something I can do, to show her that what I say is true and not just talk. I know everyone is saying NC and let her contact you but isn't life too short to wait around and leave things left unsaid and undone? I know you will all probably rip me for thinking like this but I can't get over it. I just want to call her, talk to her, see her. I know its only been almost 2 weeks but I feel that If I can just see her , touch her, kiss her maybe it will bring back something that she thinks is gone? Don't be too harsh on me, I am a man in love and in fear of losing who I want to be with and have imainged myself with for my lifetime.

Well this is whats really confusing me right now. When we last talked in person, i told her everything i was feeling and what i wanted to do about us. She said that she is not ready now and doesn't want to go back on her decision. I have a feeling that she feels like she made a decision and doesn't want to go back on it no matter what. I know there is a connection between us still by the look in her eyes and her agreeing to meet me. I keep thinking and feeling there is something i can do, to show her that what i say is true and not just talk. I know everyone is saying NC and let her contact you but isn't life too short to wait around and leave things left unsaid and undone? I know you will all probably rip me for thinking like this but I can't get over it. i just want to call her, talk to her, see her. I know its only been almost 2 weeks but I feel that If i can just see her , touch her, kiss her maybe it will bring back something that she thinks is gone? Don't be too harsh on me, I am a man in love and in fear of losing who i want to be with and have imainged my self with for my lifetime.
Well of course there is a connection there. You guys were together for a good while. But she has made a decision and does not want to go back on it. You are not respecting her or her decision. She owes you no explanation for why she is seeing who see's seeing. She owes you nothing. You owe her enough respect to leave her alone.

Well this is whats really confusing me right now. When we last talked in person, i told her everything i was feeling and what i wanted to do about us. She said that she is not ready now and doesn't want to go back on her decision. I have a feeling that she feels like she made a decision and doesn't want to go back on it no matter what. I know there is a connection between us still by the look in her eyes and her agreeing to meet me. I keep thinking and feeling there is something i can do, to show her that what i say is true and not just talk. I know everyone is saying NC and let her contact you but isn't life too short to wait around and leave things left unsaid and undone? I know you will all probably rip me for thinking like this but I can't get over it. i just want to call her, talk to her, see her. I know its only been almost 2 weeks but I feel that If i can just see her , touch her, kiss her maybe it will bring back something that she thinks is gone? Don't be too harsh on me, I am a man in love and in fear of losing who i want to be with and have imainged my self with for my lifetime.Most of us have been where you are. And trust me I know its not easy.


But remember this... if she wants space you have to give it to her. Don't become the next statistic in stalkers. And some stalkers are people that were deeply in love and had a hard time moving on when the object of their affection no longer desired their presence.

My recommendation it to look for someone else. It will help the process of getting over her. In fact it's the best way from my experience.

I don't know if I am ready to look for someone else, every time I see another girl or talk to one, I think about my ex and compare them. In my eyes I still see my ex and I can't just get over it so fast. I have a feeling I am going to be weak this weekend and contact her if she doesn't contact me, I just know myself and how I feel right now. I can't help it.

Word of warning I hope you heed.


In the eyes of a woman that wants her space... and therefore in the eyes of Johnny Law. The line between lovesick ex and stalker is very fine, and open to interpretation. Hang out with the guys if you aren't ready to find another woman... but do not contact a woman that asks you not to.

Word of warning I hope you heed.


In the eyes of a woman that wants her space...and therefore in the eyes of Johnny Law. The line between lovesick ex and stalker is very fine, and open to interpretation. Hang out with the guys if you aren't ready to find another woman...but do not contact a woman that asks you not to.


I understand what you're saying and that's what I will be doing. Also, she has not asked me to not contact her by any means, she says I can call her whenever and she will call me. I am just trying not to call her and let her call me.

OK... just stay cool about the whole thing. It can be easy to cross that line. And in your situation exactly where the line is will not be the same place depending on who's viewpoint is looking. Lot of people end up with restraining orders against them before they knew they did anything wrong in situations like this.

Hang out with the guys and do some guy stuff. Get refocused on other stuff. That can help a lot.

Yeah I will be hangin out with my friends for most of the weekend, trying to get my mind of things. I don't know how I am going to feel, probably not good but I will try. I miss her a lot and wonder what she's doing all the time. I hope she does contact me sometime this weekend because if not, I know I will be tempted to call her at least once. Wish me luck, I am going to need it.

I wish you luck. If she calls don't take the call. Don't talk to her.

Thanks for the kind words, I am starting to realize that the only way I have a chance at getting her back is by living my life and giving her the space that she asked for. I hope this works and if not hopefully I am a better person for it.

Can I ask a question... if she ditched after that long of a relationship... why would you even want her back? Someone that ditches after that long of a relationship is not ready to be in a mature loving relationship. What you are looking for... well, its not her. Once the smoke settles and you can get to a place to objectively look at the situation... you will see that. Surrond yourself with your guy friends and do, well... uh... guy things. Grunt and talk about cars... whatever floats your boat. Have a great weekend.

Can I ask a question....if she ditched after that long of a relationship....why would you even want her back? Someone that ditches after that long of a relationship is not ready to be in a mature loving relationship. What you are looking for...well, its not her. Once the smoke settles and you can get to a place to objectively look at the situation....you will see that. Surrond yourself with your guy friends and do, well...uh...guy things. Grunt and talk about cars....whatever floats your boat. Have a great weekend.


Well I think that things just got boring and routine. We saw each other on the same days and did the same stuff , went to dinner and stuff like that. I think she may want to see if she really wants to be with me or is just use to me. Personally I don't see the reason for this but I have read and heard of other women doing this. I don't know if she is scared because we are only 22 or what. I don't really know honestly but I do love her and want to be with her. If time goes by and she changes and things aren't the same, then I guess we weren't meant to be together.

Hi all, I know that you all have advised me not to but I sent her a text this morning right at the time she goes into work. I just woke up, realized that she was about to go into work, which she doesn't really like, and I just texted her to "have a good day at work". I know this was bad, I just woke up and did it on an impulse. I must have been dreaming about something and thought that she may think it was sweet or nice. I haven't talked to her since Wednesday and it was hard.

I was just thinking about things and you know I think I have found something that is true about relationships in general and mine as well. Do you think that sometimes people get too stressed and feel pressured to conform to a certain idea of what a relationship should be? My exgf has a lot going on and I think it got to her to have to worry about school, work and then having a relationship that she feeled she had to do certain things. Such as call me all the time to see what I'm doing, make plans with me and always wonder what I am doing to make me happy. We did almost everything together and I think this is part of the problem. I think she felt so overwhelmed about everything that she just felt she couldn't do it anymore right now. I don't know if I am just talking out of love but isn't there a way I could talk to her and really express that love and relationships don't always have to be what society teaches us or what we think. We don't have to do certain things together all the time and have to conform to each others schedules all the time. I mean why not be able to be together if the love, communication and connection is there between 2 people? I just feel that my exgf get so overwhelmed she felt like she couldn't do it anymore. What do you all think? She has a history of letting stress get to her and make her think differently so I don't know its just a thought.

You made the mistake of building your whole life around her. The good news is now you've got the chance to rectify that error. Get out and meet and date new people. Take a class, join a dance club or a bowling league, take a trip, do volunteer work. Begin networking and building yourself a new social base. If you do this, I think that the whole break thing will be much easier for you to cope with and you may find that you don't even want her back.

She says we can still talk but she will let me know when she is ready to see me and possibly try to be together again. Is this good news?
No, it's not. It means that she's calling the shots and you're letting her. Bad move. You need to say something like "I will call you when I'm ready to see you again."

I have been talking to her brother, w/out her knowledge of course, and he says just let her have some space and she will come back to you. He knows she still cares about me and loves me. She just wants some space to think and be by herself,
Then give it to her, by all means. And keep in mind that, since it's her brother, she may eventually learn of your conversation with him so don't say anything to him that you don't want getting back to her.

Well guys, I think things may be really coming to and end and I see the big picture. We have a joint cell plan and I got the bill today. I saw all the calls she has made and it looks like she has been talking to this guy from the day she said she wanted a break. She told me she doesn't want a relationship but she sure has been talking to him a lot. So I now see that it looks like she is moving on w/out me. This is really hurtful and I am going to ask to see her one more time so that she can be truthful to me, because I just need her to know that I am angry that she lied to me. I want to know if this is the real reason for breaking up and not that she needed space. I know I probably shouldn't see her, but I have to one last time.

Guys tonight has been really hard for me, I really need some support and words of wisdom. I am at home doing nothing, most of my freidns are either with their gf's or not really doing anything. I know my exgf is out probably with another guy and other people. I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday and it is killing me inside. I just want to hear her voice and see her face. I feel like my life totally sucks and I am so lonely. I really don't know what to do with myself. I gave in and called her earlier and she didn't answer. I just want to call her and talk to her, I know it won't fix anything but I miss her so much. I need help, I don't think I can do this and be strong. What do I do? I can't let go.

You have to let go. I was wondering if there was someone else when I read your story but I didn't want to give you more stuff to think about. Quite frankly, she probably feels that you aren't the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life. That is why she bailed. On the other note, you put her up on a pedestal and you still are. Take her off the pedestal... look at her as a real person. She is not a fairy tale princess. She has faults and flaws and it is about time you started looking at them. You can't make someone love you and she doesn't love you. If she did, she wouldn't have left. You seem like a great guy. Don't spend such wonderfulness and tought on a girl that doesn't deserve, nor want it. Keep away from the brother. It is giving you false hope and then he may relay the info back to her that you have been talking. That will make her feel even more powerful. Put the power back in your hands, where it belongs. Cut the umbillical cord. Move on. There are a lot of other girls out there that would be happy to have a guy like you. I know you want to stick with what is familiar. You have been together a long time. But think of this new life and new you as an adventure. Anything is possible and the power to do whatever is in your hands. Do stuff that you always wanted to do and never got around to it. You have the power... use it (and not on her... she is not worthy).

Thank you very much for your post, its just hard to come to the realization that its over. I just keep thinking there is something I could have done in the past or recently that would have avoided this. I envisioned being with her forever or at least a long long time and its something I am not prepared to deal with.

Guys I need some advice on how to deal with this situation. I have noticed that recently my exgf has been staying out really late which is uncharacteristic for her. I do not really know the people she is hanging out with but I think they are influencing her to be someone she really isn't. I am just afraid something is going to happen to her or someone trying to take advantage of her. I don't really know what to say if anything, but I mean its really worrying me about her well being. I feel that she is trying to be someone she's not to go out and be single. I just feel like there is nothing I can do but its hard to stand by and watch someone you care about change in front of your eyes. I just want her to be safe, and I cannot be sure. I know that one of her friends is at the root of this because she is a party girl and is very loose around guys and everything. I am sure she has contributed to her wanting to be single and not tied down to me or anyone. I don't know if I should say something or I guess I just have to let her learn for herself. If she wants to be this way I can't stop her but its worrying me. This is just adding to my pain and suffering due to our break up.

She is grown and has said you two are no longer an item. Leave it alone. You are going to be looking for and finding all kinds of reasons or excuses as to why you should contact her. LEAVE HER ALONE.

OK well today I am meeting her at the cell phone store so we can sort out our plans and we can open up separate accounts. I know she doesn't want to talk to me about the relationship but I think I am just going to ask her to be honest with me. If she wants space to test the waters and see what its like than tell me that. Or if she has met someone else and wants to be with them tell me that. I just want the truth so I can begin to heal w/out wondering if she has lied to me. So I will let you know what happens after today, probably the last time I see her for a while.

You are in such denial and full of excuses, as to what she is all about. I hope getting her off your phone plan gives you the closure to accept her change in feelings.

You are in such denial and full of excuses, as to what she is all about. I hope getting her off your phone plan gives you the closure to accept her change in feelings.

I hope so too.

NO! Don't ask her anything about whether she is seeing someone new or not. This will only keep feeding her more confidence in thinking she has made the right decision for leaving you.

You know why? Because it shows that, “Man, even with dumping my ex, he is always going to be around…this feels good to know that he will love me, obsess over me, and just be here IN CASE”.

And don't get all angry for this. She is not doing this consciously. It's not a conspiracy against you. She is not planning out anything to hurt you - even if she is dating someone...

If you meet her and you're cool, indifferent, a positive person, and hehehe…if you're in a “rush to be getting somewhere”…you will suddenly be ten times more attractive. So make plans the day you are to meet for the cell-phone thing.

People are ONLY attracted to fun, positive and secure people. No one likes love-sick pathetic babies. You have to show you're strong. This doesn't mean you are to brush her off or be rude (because this shows you're immature and you are so hurt by her leaving that you can't even communicate properly). The key is to just be NORMAL, and to just be indifferent, and to just go on with your life. This will confuse her... because ex's are only trained to have the ones they dumped acting either OVERLY LOVING or OVERLY ANGRY. It will worry and confuse her a bit to see that you are neither one of those.

Don't be rude to her and go “k let's get this crap done with because I need to jet”. Just sort of slip it in that you have to be somewhere, and keep looking at the time. Also be nice to her and say “take care” when you part. Don't say this in an overly emotional way or anything like that because those things HAVE NOT WORKED! They surely won't work if she is with someone new either.

She KNOWS you love her, so don't keep telling her or showing her…this doesn't work! You have to be strong and stick with no contact, no "giving your love away for free", etc. You have to work on you like crazy. I promise it will at least give her something to think about.

NO CONTACT is your best bet. Sooner or later her and that guy are going to go through a rough patch – and that's when she'll come running back. And if she doesn't, I'm sure you're going to end up with something even better – something your mind couldn't even think up. So please, just work on you (the gym, your money, your career, your education, your way of thinking, etc) so that whenever the "time" is right, you will be presenting the BEST YOU there is for that special girl (maybe it will be her).

I think she can take you off her phone plan, tell you she dating someone else, so leave her alone, and you will still be saying"I think she is lying, I think she is just telling me this to get me to leave her alone"
You just don't get it. Leave the woman alone.

I think she can take you off her phone plan, tell you she dating someone else, so leave her alone, and you will still be saying"I think she is lying, I think she is just telling me this to get me to leave her alone"
You just don't get it. Leave the woman alone.

Homegirl is right... nothing besides IGNORANCE will put your mind at ease. Knowing she is with another man or getting off the phone plan, or even just bursting and telling her you love her - NONE of these things help. So please, don't call her... don't talk to her brother about her, don't look on her Facebook... these things will give you wrinkles and make your hair fall out. It won't be easy to do NO CONTACT, but with more and more practice, I swear you will get better at it. Again - it will not be easy, so you will have some pretty rough days.

The only bet you have in terms of getting her back one day AND being healthy again, is to just cut her loose and to keep moving forward. There is NOWHERE to go besides FORWARD in life. You can't stay stuck in past memories of her... this will prevent from you growing as a human being... and then it will make you look more insecure or weak it if she ever comes around again.

OK everyone, I have read all your posts and I agree with most of the advice you have given me. But as this is my first time, it has been rough and I have not followed everything you have suggested. I met her today and we did the cell phone thing and I asked her to talk and she was fine with it. I just asked her to be honest with me and if she was wanting this space to see if we were really right for each other and to think about everything or if she wanted to be with other people. She told me that she is not looking to start a relationship with anyone and is just hanging out with people from work, which includes a guy she has been talking to. She assured me that she was not looking for anything with this guy in the form of a relationship and was just hangin out and enjoyed his company. Well I could tell from the look on her face, crying and tears in her eyes that she meant it and she really still loved me and cares about me. I really feel that this time apart will make us stronger if we are meant to be together. From here on out we will talk here and there, she said that she will call me and still does think of me and is taking time to think about what she wants in the future and about us. So from here on out there is nothing I can do but take it slow, talk to her when she calls and see if we are really meant to be. I will be living my life, going out with friends and just doing things I like to do trying to make myself a better person for me and hopefully for both of us in the future. I know you all probably will rip me for talking to her in depth about everything but it was hard and I felt I had to. I feel a lot better, I may just be delaying more pain down the road but I am an optimist and feel that she is the one I want and she will realize that we are right. Anyway, I will be on with more updates as they happen.

No one will rip you, because I for one would love to be wrong and she comes back, but more likely you will be confused into the friendzone, darn that first one is so hard to deal with.

Thanks talaniman, I just have a feeling that things will work out with us. I am not really thinking about it right now, just taking it day by day and not pushing anything. I am going to try to let things happen naturally, kind of like when we first met. I am just glad she doesn't want to keep me out of her life and shut me out. I hope it works out but in the end if it doesn't I think I will have learned something from all of this and all of you.

I hope it all works out. Don't forget to work on you in the mean time. This would be a great opportunity to pick up a new hobby. Please, o please, o please, give the woman her space. Let her come to you. Let her initiate the contact... things are in a very fragile state right now. She is "sowing her royal oats" and utilizing her youth. Especially being she said she wants you to take it slow... this is girl talk for let her come to you (the last thing you want to do is appear overbearing)... and don't pine for her until she does. Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks star, I definitely don't want to mess anything up with her preventing us from getting back together again. She is very stressed now with school and the whole situation that I don't want to be pushy and push her away. I am glad that she hasn't shut me out and wants to remain in contact. We will take it slow, see what happens from here with a hopeful outcome for both of us. She even said she may want to go out this weekend or do something , so I will see what she says about it and not try to push anything on her. I know all of these things break the NC rule but I am sorry, its hard and I don't think it's the proper approach with her. Lets just hope I am right.

It isn't a no contact rule... it is a let her come to you rule. She can't miss you and long for you if you are always around... If she wants to go out WITH YOU this weekend... she will call you. If she doesn't and she is getting cold feet... then she won't. Give her the space to have cold feet. She is trying to figure out what she wants in life... including if she wants you. Give her the space to think. That is why many recommend letting her come to you.

OK so lets say we do go out in the near future, this weekend or next. We go to dinner or something, at that time should I just act normal like we are friends or try to be romantic and make it nice, which is one of the reasons she is taking this break. I was never one to be really romantic and I know that was one of the problems. How should I act? I know its too soon to really come on strong, but something simple that would show her how much I have changed and how much she means to me? I know that there is a concert coming to town in 2 weeks that she would like to see, if we were together I would probably try to get tickets, but since we aren't at the moment, would that be too much? And be a waste of money? This is all hypothetical at this point, just getting an idea what you guys think.

I would take it very slow... be yourself. Don't "act" in any way. Treat it as two friends going out to have a good time. If she wants more let her make that move. This is a very delicate game that has been dealt to you. Proceed with caution... or you will lose everything. As for the concert maybe hint at it to test the waters, that would be all I would do... don't expect a whole lot out of this...

Work the friends path... it will come off as non threatening and will not make her want to run... also, women will be more candid to a "friend" than a "boyfriend". Also, the friend approach is giving her the space she wants. When and if she wants it to be more, she will let you know. However, I wouldn't act cold towards her. Stop with the trying to show her I changed... this will surely make her scatter... You seem like a very intense fellow. You would make me a little skittish too. Turn the flame down or you'll blind her.

Thanks for the advice, I definitely don't want to come on strong and pushy. If we just go out and have fun, hopefully she will realize all the good times we had and what we can have in the future. Well ill be back on through out the week if anything else goes on or any new details. I am actually a really easy going person that is not intense about anything, maybe I come across like that here because I am trying to get back my love so badly.

That sounds like a great plan. Cut loose and have fun. Just enjoy her company, just as you would a guy friend (minus body noises of course) :D

I think you are still trying to worm your way back into her life after she has asked you not to. If it were me, I'd be angry enough to tell you to get lost. I think she is trying to be nice to make it a little easier on you, but she goig to need to flat out tell you to get lost, that may be the only way you'll get the message.
I mean you're getiing on my nerves and I'm not her. You need to get a clue.

Your plotting your next move, and she hasn't called. Interesting. I also wonder how much you've changed in a week. That's also interesting.

OK just for clarification , she hasn't told me to get lost. She has told me she still wants me in her life but she is confused right now about what she wants in the future. I am not trying to make up her mind for her, just let her know how I feel and that there is no reason that we can't work. She has called me and I have called her, its not like I am bugging her all day to talk to her. I think everyone is under the impression that she said hey I don't want you anymore, get lost. This is not true, we are just not together right now and may be in the future, we may not. I am just thinking ahead so if the time comes, I don't ruin it and waste a chance. I love this girl and she knows it and I know she still loves me, she just needs to find her way. I am not trying to interfere so much but just be in her life so she knows what she's missing. I am not a creep nor stalking her, I have given her space and will continue to do so. I can't force her to see me or talk to me, she has done so willingly.

Hey now I think your doing OK with this BUT if she is making contact willingly you should take it as "face value". Stop thinking ahead, take this day by day. If you continue the planning ahead you will eventually want more and then more... until you ruin that final chance that you may have had. Be cool, walk into any outing together as two friends and let her make the moves from there... above all else go into it with NO expectations other than to have FUN together :)

Well said... thanks

I read your story and felt compelled to write since it sounds almost exactley like what I'm going through. My girlfriend and I went on a "break" 2months ago and we officially ended it 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since the official breakup I went into NC. And I tell you, man, you're NOT alone. It is unbelievable how difficult this can be. I too have very few friends who are not tied down and made the same mistake of dedicating too much to her. We were together for 8.5yrs and lived together so trust me, I know the meaning of loneliness. I'm still going through the BS. But believe me, listen to everyone on this board. You CAN'T force it. I realized that 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wanted to marry this girl, but you can't force someone to love you the way you love them. Be thankful that you're still young (I just turned 30, and I consider myself still young) and the pain you're feeling will NOT last forever. This is what I keep telling myself (out loud sometimes). And I understand your fear of the future... I was/am terrified too. Everything will work itself out. I'm not sure how much help I could be since I'm right in the thick of things too, but feel free to contact me if u just need someone to talk to.
I'm going to post a separate topic because I need advice on how to handle the house we own together (and this is a difficult thing to handle while in NC).

I read your story and felt compelled to write since it sounds almost exactley like what I'm going thru. My girlfriend and I went on a "break" 2months ago and we officially ended it 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since the official breakup I went into NC. And I tell you, man, you're NOT alone. It is unbelievable how difficult this can be. I too have very few friends who are not tied down and made the same mistake of dedicating too much to her. We were together for 8.5yrs and lived together so trust me, I know the meaning of loneliness. I'm still going thru the BS. But believe me, listen to everyone on this board. You CAN'T force it. I realized that 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wanted to marry this girl, but you can't force someone to love you the way you love them. Be thankful that you're still young (I just turned 30, and I consider myself still young) and the pain you're feeling will NOT last forever. This is what I keep telling myself (out loud sometimes). And I understand your fear of the future...I was/am terrified too. Everything will work itself out. I'm not sure how much help I could be since I'm right in the thick of things too, but feel free to contact me if u just need someone to talk to.
I'm going to post a seperate topic because I need advice on how to handle the house we own together (and this is a difficult thing to handle while in NC).

Thanks for posting and reading my situation. I am sorry that things didn't work out for you and your situation. I hope that my situation works out for the best, I am just starting to realize that it will take time and some space. So I am just hoping for the best, and I know if we do work out , I know it is real.

Hey everyone, I was just looking online for nice places to go out to dinner, whenever the opportunity comes up... hopefully this weekend or next or whatever. I found a really nice place on the beach that turns into a sort of night club at night and a bar. Do you think a place like this would be a good idea? Somewhere where we can eat and not have to go anywhere else to have more fun, just kick back and listen to music, drink, dance and show her that hey you know what we can have fun together like we use to. I know I am thinking ahead again, but she has always pointed out to me that I never really plan things out and then when the time comes I don't really know what to do. This usually turns out bad for me because she would get mad or whatever. I just want to take some initiative and have a plan unlike many times in the past. I also want to show her I can cut loose and not be so uptight about dancing or going out, sometimes I come across like that in the past. Well just thinking outloud here, I know I am getting my hopes up but I can't help it.

hey everyone, i was just looking online for nice places to go out to dinner, whenever the opportunity comes up.....hopefully this weekend or next or whatever. i found a really nice place on the beach that turns into a sort of night club at night and a bar. do you think a place like this would be a good idea? somewhere where we can eat and not have to go anywhere else to have more fun, just kick back and listen to music, drink, dance and show her that hey you know what we can have fun together like we use to. i know i am thinking ahead again, but she has always pointed out to me that i never really plan things out and then when the time comes i don't really know what to do. this usually turns out bad for me b/c she would get mad or whatever. i just want to take some initiative and have a plan unlike many times in the past. i also want to show her i can cut loose and not be so uptight about dancing or going out, sometimes i come across like that in the past. well just thinking outloud here, i know i am getting my hopes up but i can't help it.


You know what would stand out so much more than you trying to pick a place to eat? Showing a physical difference in your appearance AKA looking healthier.
And showing mental maturity.
Another thing that would stand out is having some new and exciting stories to tell her – what new things have you been up to? Anything?

Those things are going to make you more attractive.
Don't lose sight of the big picture through your insecurities and desperate attempts at winning her back. And the things I mentioned, they are truly money in the bank because they do/will improve you as a person (learning new things, being in better physical shape, saving money, having a life plan, etc).

Have balance. Have lots of balance. Don't let your emotions make all the decisions here. Be smart. This disease called "gotta get my ex back" often clouds our judgment into thinking we are taking the right steps, when we often are not. This is why most people do not end up getting back together with their ex.

Thanks for the advice, definitely will take that into account.

I would suggest going some place like you mentioned... nothing intimate... stay with a place where lots of other people are... that way she won't think that you are trying to pressure her. Also, I would heed sad soul's previous advice. Very good words of wisdom... especially the part about what have you been doing lately. If the conversation lulls, you are a dead duck sitting because you haven't been up too much lately except obsessing about her. I suggest you get a hobby and quick.

Thanks star, I will make sure I have things to talk about, its never been hard with her anwyays, we can always talk about whatver but I definitely don't want to bore her

OK guys... so lets say the week progresses and we don't really talk about anything, do I mention if she wants to do something sometime this weekend or next? Just ask and be cool no matter what the answer is? I am not sure if she will bring it up on her own since well I am the one that will be making the plans. I just want her to know I want to go out with her and have a good time. I don't know if its too soon or being too pushy but I am just wondering. I want her to know I am taking the initiative to plan something, because when we were together I didn't plan a lot of things and I know that sometimes bothered her. She kind of wanted me to take charge but sometimes I didn't and always asked her what she wanted to do. I just felt like it was nice to ask what she wanted to do or where to go ,because I honestly didn't care where we went as long as I was with her. I know this is something I need to improve and stop because she didn't like it. I'm also afraid if I don't say anything then she will just make plans with her friends, maybe waiting for me to say something. I know SHE is the one that wanted space and to be apart but I kind of feel that if I don't at least casually bring it up then maybe she won't remember or think about it.

No you do not. If she does not contact you, don't contact her. She asked for space remember.

You NEver mention anything and you never call if she wants you back she will contact you . NOTHING will keep her away if she wants you back wshe will try her best...

Don't contact her under any circumstances if she contacts you fine if not MOVE ON

HArd as it may be

Yeah well it definitely is hard. We have been talking here and there but sometimes I would just text her to see how the studying is going because I know she gets stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes. I just want to help and calm her down which I always did in the past. Sometimes she would tell me to call her in the morning, which I use to do all the time before I go to work. I am feeling weird today because its like when I talk to her I feel like how we use to be, together. Its seems like she is happy to talk to me and are having pretty good conversations. She will be busy again the next few days studying for tests so I don't really expect her to call me much. I just feel I have to keep the lines of communication open so that she knows I am there for her and want to help. I know this is not helping me move on but I don't think I am ready to do so yet. After this week of hard tests I just want to take her out and have a good time. I don't know if she would ask me to go out with her, but I feel like I should just bring it up to see what she says. I know it goes against all of your advice and NC but its hard and I just have a gut feeling about it. I am not getting over her anytime soon so I figure I might as well try to make things work and show her that I know what I did wrong and that I am that person she fell in love with.

What I am really trying to say is that honestly, these past 2 weeks have made me think a way I never have before. About myself, and about our relationship. I know that I shouldn't hold anything in and always just show how I feel, which sometimes I didn't. Do you think that I can, not change her mind, but show her that I honestly made an effort to change and to realize that life is too short to hold back feelings and emotions. I just want to show her I love her everyday to the fullest. That is really all I want, that chance and I think it would make her realize I am right for her.

You know this is not about how you feel. She asked you to give her space, you don't seem to get that. You need to stop calling her for any reason and stop obsessing. The more you keep calling her, no matter how cheerful she may sound on the phone, you are showing her that you are just not capable of doing what she asked you to do.

So I am supposed to just give up, let her go and regret it for the rest of my life? I don't know but I would rather know I tried then just let her go. I know its selfish on my part but its hard to accept. I just want to be with her badly, because I truly am in love with her. I just want to work things out and become stronger from this low point.

You are supposed to do what she asked you to do. Give her some space. You're not doing that. She's telling you what she wants and you're saying "but I don't want to do that"

It does not matter how much you love her, you are not going to get on her good side or change her mind by bugging her. If she does not want to be with you, that is her choice. You need to respect that. If she made a mistake, it was her mistake, but her choice.

Ive been in your exact position before and I can tell you from experience, the longer you hold on the worse it gets. As hard as it is to do, you probably need to just start focusing on yourself and start the healing process. I know how hard it is to resist sending one text message or making one quick phone call but it really isn't helping you.

The healing process is going to take a long time, and you will look back and be glad you started in now rather than in 6 months. You will not 'regret' it for the rest of your life, it only feels that way now.

If you are anything like I was though when I went through this the first time, you will ignore all the good advice and go down in flames, but it might teach you something for next time!

Whether you like a decision someone makes or not is irrelevant, especially if that decision is in regards to their life. What is wrong with people that they can't accept the fact that not everyone thinks they are special or is enamored with them. You are not always going to have your way or have what you want. You can't make a person want you if they don't. Deal with it.

Well then she is confusing me then because she wants space but still wants to hear from me and be in touch. I am thinking that if she didn't care about me at all and wanted someone else , she would have asked me to stay out of her life and not to see her or talk to her right? Space is one thing, which I think I have given, I am not bugging her everyday or asking to see her. She is doing what she needs to do and I am not interfering, at least I don't think so and she hasn't said anything. So I should just take things slower? And go at her pace until or when she says something? I just keep feeling the longer I go w/out talking to her, she gets closer to being with someone else and getting use to not having me around or in her life at all. I guess I am still in denial and shock , I don't know when I will be over this. Its like I know what she wants and wanted from me, and I didn't always give it to her, but now more than ever I just want to show her that I am that guy she loved so much and wanted to be with. I still don't think it is too late, but if I do nothing, I think it might be.

In my situation, she kept me around and we hung out every now and then but we weren't dating. She wanted me to phone her when I could etc. But she used that as a way to ween herself off me. She answered less, she cancelled plans. She met someone new and guess who stopped answering their phone?

Im not saying everyone is the same, but if she wanted to be with you she would be with you right now. You should stop worry about what will happen to her if you stop talking, and focus more on what will happen with you (ie you might start growing as an individual and healing).

In your situation - I might be inclined to removed myself - yes, you are changing. Yes, you want her to see this - but, by not having you around she may realize sooner what she wants then if you were around. I say this because she has not even considered a compromise or working on the issues.

Should I just bring it up and ask her straight up what she is really thinking and what she really wants from me? I would rather know now then to be kept in the dark and told something else. I know she is not a mean spirited person and has never really been mean to me. Do you think she would tell me truth anyway? She keeps saying that she is afraid of making a wrong decision and doesn't really know right now what she wants. So I don't know if it would do any good anyway. Well I am just thinking outloud open to any opinions.

I would take the strong approach and just tell her that for your own sanity you need to remove yourself from the situation - tell her that you are under more anxiety and stress talking to her, then if you were not. Ask her not to contact you, and let her know that you will contact her when you feel ready. Reverse the situation and see how she reacts.

The problem with that is , I don't know when I would feel ready. Even now only 2 weeks out, I still get the urge to call her and sometime I get weak and text her or something. I think removing myself will make me feel even worse. I mean right now I can keep it together because I am able to talk to her and I don't feel like its totally over. Honestly just talking to her for just a little bit makes me feel a lot better and makes me feel that I am still apart of her life. I wish it was easy and I could just say OK call me in 2 months and then see what happens, but I don't know if I can do that. My life is OK but she makes it so much better and I just want her to see that. I know I keep saying the same thing over and over but I can't change how I feel. I keep thinking if I remove myself and she just talks to some other guy or whatever, then with me out of the picture she will forget about me more quick and really get use to not talking to me. I am just afraid of losing her altoghether. She's a big part of my life and I can't come to terms with it. Everyday is a struggle but at least when I know I can talk to her , it keeps me sane. Just thinking of her with some else makes me sick and I keep feeling that if I don't do something to really show her how I feel, because she may have doubted my true feelings, then she will go with someone else who probably just acting nice just to get with her.

You may need to seek professional help - simply to teach you some coping mechanisms - during the first week of my breakup my therapist taught me breathing techniques and things to keep me busy. I took up kick boxing - very exhilarating - helps me vent and is a great workout.

Well I may need professional help down the road who knows, I am just saying right now I am not willing to just give up completely. I am not going to do anything crazy and I am not a crazy person, I just have this hope in me that won't die. Until I know that all hope is lost and she is saying get out of my life, I won't think its totally over. That's just how I am thinking now, whether it is healthy or not.

I never said you were a crazy person - I am not a crazy person either, but I sought help to become a better person. My reason for seeking help was to better myself, just in the process I was taught coping techniques as well. Eventually you will know what to do.

that's just how I am thinking now, whether it is healthy or not.
It is not healthy and no way does the evidence support your stubbornness. It is fear that is ruling your actions, fear of rejection and fear of losing her. That fear has taken your objectivity and you are making decisions based on that fear. That and her feeding you false hope has you stuck, my friend and unless you heal to see beyond the fear and emotion, you invite misery and pain, and you still will not be together. Give yourself a chance to heal, and then see the situation with clarity, as opposed to confusion.

Well I don't want to cope, I want to make the best of this situation, become a better person and show her that I am who she wants, the person she fell in love with only better. I am confident I can do this, it may take time but I am not going to give up so easily. I know I sound like a obsessed psycho, which I am not, but you know sometimes people do crazy things for love and I think that if she does care about me deep inside she will appreciate my effort to become a better person and eventually a better partner. I know it may not change tomorrow but I am willing to try for her, that's how strongly I feel about her. Once I know I really tried and it doesn't work for whatever reason then I will be devastated but begin to cope then, I am not ready to just let it go. Don't worry I am not going to do anything crazy and brash, just give her space but maybe see what happens when we see each other or hang out. I will take heed to all your advice but sometimes you just got to do what you think is right. Only time will tell. And I have been thinking pretty clearly lately, I mean I have had 2 weeks off to just think about what I want in life and the future. If I didn't think she was the one for me, I would let this go and chalk it up to experience. But this is not your ordinary girl and I really love her. That's the only reason I risk even more pain in the future, I really think she's the one for me. If not, then I guess I will learn the hard way.

Listen, you texting her and calling her will only make it easier for her to let you go. You know why? Because you're around and making her feel as though she's not missing anything with her decision to dump you.

By you “being around” and texting and calling, she can slowly adjust to the breakup until she finds someone else. By you being around, she can also see how things are much better with her breaking up with you.

See this is the problem: you THINK she'll forget if you don't call her and you don't text. That's not true. Please give the girl some more credit! This is only your insecurity talking. Believe me that you are not seeing clearly.

If you do “no contact”, sooner or later, I swear she will contact you. She may contact you in a healthy and pleasant way, BUT she may also contact you in anger and sadness, wondering why the hell you haven't called and why you haven't put an effort into getting her back. EITHER WAY, YOU WIN. You know why? Because in both cases SHE will start the “deep” talk. In both cases it will be her chasing you. In both cases, you will not appear needy, because it's not you asking, but it will be you responding.
And to both scenarios you can have your chance in saying, “well, I haven't called or texted because I love you and I want to respect your decision of us breaking up. And you yourself asked for space, so I've been moving on. It's been hard, but I'm doing what you've asked me to do.”

See? See how you win? See how the NO CONTACT is truly in your favor? Think about it. It won't make you miss anything, and it will give you your chance to confess your love. But please, if the chance comes around, don't make her feel as though she is what fuels your life. People with lives are much more attractive. And also, as I mentioned earlier, don't get frustrated with her when you've read what I wrote, because there is no conspiracy against you. She DOES NOT do what she does consciously, as if she is trying to manipulate or hurt you. So don't get angry with her—aka don't let your mind play tricks on you (going from depression to anger).

Listen, you texting her and calling her will only make it easier for her to let you go. You know why? Because you’re around and making her feel as though she’s not missing anything with her decision to dump you.

By you “being around” and texting and calling, she can slowly adjust to the breakup until she finds someone else. By you being around, she can also see how things are much better with her breaking up with you.

See this is the problem: you THINK she’ll forget if you don’t call her and you don’t text. That’s not true. Please give the girl some more credit! This is only your insecurity talking. Believe me that you are not seeing clearly.

If you do “no contact”, sooner or later, I swear she will contact you. She may contact you in a healthy and pleasant way, BUT she may also contact you in anger and sadness, wondering why the hell you haven’t called and why you haven’t put an effort into getting her back. EITHER WAY, YOU WIN. You know why? Because in both cases SHE will start the “deep” talk. In both cases it will be her chasing you. In both cases, you will not appear needy, because it’s not you asking, but it will be you responding.
And to both scenarios you can have your chance in saying, “well, I haven’t called or texted because I love you and I want to respect your decision of us breaking up. And you yourself asked for space, so I’ve been moving on. It’s been hard, but I’m doing what you’ve asked me to do.”

See? See how you win? See how the NO CONTACT is truly in your favor? Think about it. It won’t make you miss anything, and it will give you your chance to confess your love. But please, if the chance comes around, don’t make her feel as though she is what fuels your life. People with lives are much more attractive. And also, as I mentioned earlier, don’t get frustrated with her when you’ve read what I wrote, because there is no conspiracy against you. She DOES NOT do what she does consciously, as if she is trying to manipulate or hurt you. So don’t get angry with her—aka don’t let your mind play tricks on you (going from depression to anger).

Thanks for putting everything in a clear perspective. What you say really makes sense but I keep thinking of her talking to another guy instead of me and going out with him instead of me. That's what makes me want to stay in contact. So as of now she said I can call her whenever and she will call me whenever she has time or whatever. Do I just stop calling her, I have been in the morning before work just to wish her luck on her tests this week. Do I just stop, mention something to her like if you want space then call me when you want to talk? If I just stop right now will that make her push me away more? The last time I called her was this morning and she just called me about 10 min ago. We just talked about her tests, and all the stuff she has to do and study for. I am not going to call her tonight and she probably won't call me since she will be busy. So do I not call her tomorrow morning, what if she's expecting it and then gets upset? Or is that good for me? What do you think?

She is the one that asked you to give her space. If you don't call her she will be thinking that you are doing what she asked you to do.
Of course she will talk pleasantly with you, she is not your girlfriend anymore, this is what she wanted. Maybe all she wants from you is friendship.
If she finds someone else that is how it goes. It won't be because you didn't call, it will be because to her you are not her boyfriend and she is free to do that.
You need to get some help, what you feel is not healthy and I'm afraid you will start to push your way into her life and that is like stalking. Get a handle on this now before you lose your grip on reality.

Well then she is confusing me then b/c she wants space but still wants to hear from me and be in touch. I am thinking that if she didn't care about me at all and wanted someone else , she would have asked me to stay out of her life and not to see her or talk to her right? Space is one thing, which i think i have given, i am not bugging her everyday or asking to see her. She is doing what she needs to do and i am not interfering, at least i dont think so and she hasn't said anything. So i should just take things slower? and go at her pace until or when she says something? I just keep feeling the longer i go w/out talking to her, she gets closer to being with someone else and getting use to not having me around or in her life at all. I guess i am still in denial and shock , i dont know when i will be over this. Its like i know what she wants and wanted from me, and i didnt always give it to her, but now more than ever i just want to show her that i am that guy she loved so much and wanted to be with. I still don't think it is too late, but if i do nothing, i think it might be.
She said she wants space, her saying "lets keep in touch" is her way of saying she does not want to part on bad terms. Right away she started going out and doing things. To her you two are done. I think she talks to you because she sees you're not taking this well.
If you were to stop calling her, she would know you're OK and she would not call you except on occasion to say hello.
You need to face the fact that she is gone on with her life and I'm sure she wishes you would go on with yours. I thik the more you call and text her, the more uncomfortable she is going to become with you. You reall need to back off. Get some help in getting over her.

She is the one that asked you to give her space. If you don't call her she will be thinking that you are doing what she asked you to do.
Of course she will talk pleasantly with you, she is not your gf anymore, this is what she wanted. Maybe all she wants from you is friendship.
If she finds someone else that is how it goes. It won't be because you didn't call, it will be because to her you are not her bf and she is free to do that.
You need to get some help, what you feel is not healthy and I'm afraid you will start to push your way into her life and that is like stalking. Get a handle on this now before you lose your grip on reality.

Well she did ask me for space, but not NC. What is not healthy about what I am feeeling? I am just feeling that if I want to show this girl that I am right for her, and I know what mistakes I made in the past, then why can't I try? I am not doing anything against her will, she is keeping me in her life, I am not pushing anything. All I want to do is take her out sometime and have fun and try to re-ignite the spark we had. If this doesn't work eventually then yeah I will have to move on. She is confused about us and everything in her life so why not try to show her that she doesn't have to be confused about us and me, that I am the person she did spend 4 years with and fell in love with. I am not showing up at her house unexpectadly or anything like a stalker. If she says hey you know I am going out with someone else, I don't want you then I will have no choice but to move on, but that has not happened and hopefully won't.

Well she did ask me for space, but not NC. What is not healthy about what i am feeeling? i am just feeling that if i want to show this girl that I am right for her, and i know what mistakes i made in the past, then why can't i try? i am not doing anything against her will, she is keeping me in her life, i am not pushing anything. All i want to do is take her out sometime and have fun and try to re-ignite the spark we had. If this doesn't work eventually then yeah i will have to move on. She is confused about us and everything in her life so why not try to show her that she doesn't have to be confused about us and me, that i am the person she did spend 4 years with and fell in love with. I am not showing up at her house unexpectadly or anything like a stalker. If she says hey you know i am going out with someone else, i dont want you then i will have no choice but to move on, but that has not happened and hopefully won't.
What do you think give me space means? When she says "give me space" and then goes on with her life, what do you think that means? What is unhealthy is you don't seem to want to accept the fact that she has moved on and you think you can make her love you again. If she wanted you again, just as she told you she wanted space, she would tell you she wants you back. She has not done that. I don't think she will, but if she did, you are so obsessed you would probably drive her away again.
Get some help.

Thanks, well its only been 2 weeks so I mean I don't expect her to change her mind so fast, she made a decision and wants to stick with it. I have hope for us, I don't really care if you don't. So thanks for the advice I guess.

thanks, well its only been 2 weeks so i mean i dont expect her to change her mind so fast, she made a decision and wants to stick with it. i have hope for us, i dont really care if you don't. so thanks for the advice i guess.
You're not thankful for the advice because it is not what you want to hear.
It would be nice if things work out, I hope they do. But if you learn anything from this experience I hope it is this; when someone says give them space, do it. Don't give them space on your conditions. Who knows maybe this is a test to see if you are stable and mature enough to give her space to grow, right now you are failing.
Move completely away from her. Use this time to learn things about yourself, what your strengths and weaknesses are.
You may find this to be easier than you thought if you will learn to let go.You may find that you are more in love with the idea of her than you are with her.
Respect her boundaries.

I am trying to , just a lot easier said than done. I do appreciate the advice though, without everyone's help I would definitely be in worse shape today.

Well, I know it must be hard, and if this is helpful to you, I'm glad to be here for you. I really hope everything works out for the best for you.
Sometimes what is best is not what we want, but it's what is best. Sometimes we get what we want but we must learn to be patient and disciplined.

Something that I think Homegirl was trying to get at is that your ex mentioned that she has a lot of things going on in her life. When people make comments like that it means that they want time to think without feeling pressure from anyone. I think Homegirl is concerned that if you keep on the same course, you will not be respecting your ex's wishes and may push her away.
Another note, after thinking about comments you wrote I am guessing that life before the break up was something like this... you are happy being at home watching TV and she prods you to go out. Because you are happy as a clam being at home, you resist and she ends up staying home with you. On the rare occasion that she did go out, a fight ensued because you felt that she ditched you.
Perhaps you need to realize that you are just too different people. She still feels obligated to contact you because you have so much history. If you do get back together, she will always want to spread her wings. She is a very free spirit and this may cause you a great deal of anguish. Perhaps you should look at the differences and the things you fought about. Stop trying to change to match her personality for hopes of holding onto something familiar. Be yourself. Find someone else that is better suited for your personality. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that you can become someone else to get her back. Be happy with who you are. If you find yourself changing to match her requests, a couple years down the road you will be in the same boat because you are not being true to yourself. Good luck.

Something that I think Homegirl was trying to get at is that your ex mentioned that she has a lot of things going on in her life. When people make comments like that it means that they want time to think without feeling pressure from anyone. I think Homegirl is concerned that if you keep on the same course, you will not be respecting your ex's wishes and may push her away.
Another note, after thinking about comments you wrote I am guessing that life before the break up was something like this....you are happy being at home watching TV and she prods you to go out. Because you are happy as a clam being at home, you resist and she ends up staying home with you. On the rare occasion that she did go out, a fight ensued because you felt that she ditched you.
Perhaps you need to realize that you are just too different people. She still feels obligated to contact you because you have so much history. If you do get back together, she will always want to spread her wings. She is a very free spirit and this may cause you a great deal of anguish. Perhaps you should look at the differences and the things you fought about. Stop trying to change to match her personality for hopes of holding onto something familiar. Be yourself. Find someone else that is better suited for your personality. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that you can become someone else to get her back. Be happy with who you are. If you find yourself changing to match her requests, a couple years down the road you will be in the same boat because you are not being true to yourself. Good luck.

Thanks star, well a lot of what you said makes sense but you know I never said no if she wanted to go out or whatever. I think part of the problem is just that sometimes I didn't take the initiative to find something to do or plan something out. I guess after time I just got lazy or we got use to it. Most of the time to be honest, we decided to stay home because we were tired or didn't feel like it. So I get what you are saying, but it wasn't such a struggle between us about going out. Just I think she liked to be taken out, me having a plan not just go to dinner than nothing special. I didn't really realize this at the time but looking back, it is probably a factor in her decision but not the only reason. Our personalities match a lot actually other than that, we both liked to stay home most of the time and got along fine. Maybe just the same thing after so long got boring, that's the only thing I am trying to show her, that hey I know you like to be taken out sometimes and I want to do that, if it's that important to you. I am not really trying to change my personality at all, just a behavior I didn't really notice or realize was such a big deal. Well that's my take but who knows, I guess time will tell if she wants me back or give me another shot.

Changing a behavior is one thing, but don't try to undergo a personality change to be what you think she wants. Be yourself.
People can get into ruts sometimes and perhaps she thinks that this is the only way out of her rut. I have been married for a long time... I know about ruts. When you are with someone for an extended period it can happen. The key is to have a game plan when you get in those ruts so you don't feel the need to bale. Perhaps this can give you some food for thought. I would refrain from discussing it with her at this point. She doesn't need anything else to think about right now.

She may have just grown out of you too. She was 18 and is now 22. A person changes a lot in that time. She could just not want the same things now that she wanted then. She may want a different kind of person altogether.

Changing a behavior is one thing, but don't try to undergo a personality change to be what you think she wants. Be yourself.
People can get into ruts sometimes and perhaps she thinks that this is the only way out of her rut. I have been married for a long time...I know about ruts. When you are with someone for an extended period of time it can happen. The key is to have a game plan when you get in those ruts so you don't feel the need to bale. Perhaps this can give you some food for thought. I would refrain from discussing it with her at this point. She doesnt need anything else to think about right now.


So how can I show her that we were just in a rut and that's not how the rest of our lives would be if we were to be together? I think she sees her parents, who are not happy with each other, and is scared that if she settles she will end up like them. I know that I can make her happy and I am stupid for letting it get so far but it seems like something so simple that could be fixed and improved. I don't want to lose her over something so stupid that can be corrected. I mean I guess sometimes it takes these times to realize what was going on but now that I know, what do I do about it? I am afraid she thinks I can't be fun anymore and is looking for someone who is. How can I show her that I am fun and we were just in a rut? I don't want this to drag out and push her towards someone else. That's why its so hard to just do NC and let it go. If I treated her like crap and was a total jerk to her then it would actually be easier because that would be a real reason to not be with me. Something like this is just so easy that it kills me even more.

One thing... people have an idolized view of marriage. Marriage isn't like it is in the movies. People fight and people argue. The key is to do it constructively. I am not sure why her parents don't get along and I want to at this point. But on the outside a marriage can look unhappy when it really isn't.
You guys were kids when you met. A lot has changed in both of your lives since you met I am sure. It is possible that what she thought she wanted, isn't actually what she does. She probably thought at 18 that she wanted a nice stable guy to hang out with. As she got older she felt more intrigued by the party scene. She is young and wants to have fun. She wants to do some living before she settles down. That is her entitlement and is highly recommended.
Honestly, I have thought a lot about your situation because it is very similar to one that my sister went through. My suggestion is to move on. I know it sucks, but here is why. If you sit there pining over her, you are going to drive yourself nuts. If you move on and start scoping the market, then you will be occupying your brain and it will get easier for you to cope with. If she wants to get back together, then you can make the decision at that point. In the near future, I don't see her getting back with you. Although she probably cares deeply about you, it takes more than that to make a relationship work. You are both young, enjoy your youth. You have lots of time to settle down. Right now, concentrate on having fun. You don't have kids, you aren't married. The sky is the limit for accomplishing your dreams. Try something bold... hang gliding?? Whatever works for you. If you don't start coming to grips with the reality, your heart will never heal and she will have long since moved on. If it is meant to be, she will be back... but don't wait by the phone for her... you have a life to live... ya know...

One thing...people have an idolized view of marriage. Marriage isn't like it is in the movies. People fight and people argue. The key is to do it constructively. I am not sure why her parents don't get along and I want to at this point. But on the outside a marriage can look unhappy when it really isn't.
You guys were kids when you met. A lot has changed in both of your lives since you met I am sure. It is possible that what she thought she wanted, isn't actually what she does. She probably thought at 18 that she wanted a nice stable guy to hang out with. As she got older she felt more intrigued by the party scene. She is young and wants to have fun. She wants to do some living before she settles down. That is her entitlement and is highly recommended.
Honestly, I have thought a lot about your situation because it is very similar to one that my sister went through. My suggestion is to move on. I know it sucks, but here is why. If you sit there pining over her, you are going to drive yourself nuts. If you move on and start scoping the market, then you will be occupying your brain and it will get easier for you to cope with. If she wants to get back together, then you can make the decision at that point. In the near future, I don't see her getting back with you. Although she probably cares deeply about you, it takes more than that to make a relationship work. You are both young, enjoy your youth. You have lots of time to settle down. Right now, concentrate on having fun. You don't have kids, you aren't married. The sky is the limit for accomplishing your dreams. Try something bold....hang gliding??? Whatever works for you. If you don't start coming to grips with the reality, your heart will never heal and she will have long since moved on. If it is meant to be, she will be back....but don't wait by the phone for her....you have a life to live...ya know....

Well I do agree with you that we are young but I mean I have looked into my heart and feel that I want to be with her. Her parents by the way do not get along to well, never seen them hug , kiss or be nice to each other in 4 years and she has told me she hasn't seen them be intimate for a long time. So I think this may be a factor with her thought process. Well I think that I am going to just ask her to go to dinner this weekend, have fun and just talk to her about what really is it that she doesn't like in our relationship. I just need to know if she is willing to work on this, if its something that important that can't be fixed and she doesn't want to make an effort then I guess I will have to move on. This being "friends" and talking and being nice to each other is getting harder every day. I just want to know if she still cares enough to try to be with me and make it work or if she doesn't want to. It is harder every day knowing that she might be talking to some other guy and wants to hang with him. I need to know on her part if she loves me enough to want to be together and on the same side. I want to talk to her about what was good about the relationship and what wasn't to see if they are issues that cannot be worked on by both of us. I feel she is using this break as an excuse to not have to make a decision now. So I don't know what you all think but I can't take much longer of just hanging around her wondering if she wants me or doesn't want me. I hope things work out now, but if not maybe in the future. If not though, I guess its time to move on.

I hope that you get the closure you are looking for. Best wishes!

I hope that you get the closure you are looking for. Best wishes!


Thanks, I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Although I don't think my heart is letting me think about the bad but its just so hard to think that this person I have been with and love so much won't want to try to be with me and make things work. I first have to get her to go out with me this weekend. Ill update as things happen.

Well i do agree with you that we are young but i mean i have looked into my heart and feel that i want to be with her. Her parents by the way do not get along to well, never seen them hug , kiss or be nice to each other in 4 years and she has told me she hasn't seen them be intimate for a long time. So i think this may be a factor with her thought process. Well i think that i am gonna just ask her to go to dinner this weekend, have fun and just talk to her about what really is it that she doesnt like in our relationship. I just need to know if she is willing to work on this, if its something that important that can't be fixed and she doesn't want to make an effort then i guess i will have to move on. This being "friends" and talking and being nice to each other is getting harder every day. I just want to know if she still cares enough to try to be with me and make it work or if she doesn't want to. It is harder every day knowing that she might be talking to some other guy and wants to hang with him. I need to know on her part if she loves me enough to want to be together and on the same side. I want to talk to her about what was good about the relationship and what wasn't to see if they are issues that cannot be worked on by both of us. I feel she is using this break as an excuse to not have to make a decison now. So i dont know what you all think but i can't take much longer of just hanging around her wondering if she wants me or doesn't want me. I hope things work out now, but if not maybe in the future. If not though, i guess its time to move on.
You just don't get it. Listen to yourself. Ask her out to dinner! Why? Leave her alone. This is what she has asked of you. She told you she wants space. Give iy to her. Stop trying to make her feel things she doesn't. She may very well not feel for you what you feel for her and she does not have to, she's not with you any more. Leave the girl alone.

You just don't get it. Listen to yourself. Ask her out to dinner! Why? Leave her alone. This is what she has asked of you. She told you she wants space. Give iy to her. Stop trying to make her feel things she doesn't. She may very well not feel for you what you feel for her and she does not have to, she's not with you any more. Leave the girl alone.


I am not trying to make her feel anything. I just need to know the bottom line, because this confusion and unknown state it really messing with my head and heart. I need to know from her that she doesn't see us getting back together or she does. That's all, I need to know for myself so I don't wait around with false hope.

Thanks, I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Although i dont think my heart is letting me think about the bad but its just so hard to think that this person i have been with and love so much won't want to try to be with me and make things work. I first have to get her to go out with me this weekend. Ill update as things happen.
She does not have to try to be with you if she does not ant to be. This is what you're not getting. Look at it this way, instead of you trying to get her to go out with you and taking you back, why don't you try doing what she wants and leave her alone.
I'm telling you, you are going to alienate this girl to the point she is not going to want to hear your name. If you have to try to get her to go out with you, that should be a clue that this is not something she wants to do.
I hate to sound cruel, but you really need to get a grip and a clue.

She does not have to try to be with you if she does not ant to be. This is what you're not getting. Look at it this way, instead of you trying to get her to go out with you and taking you back, why dont you try doing what she wants and leave her alone.
I'm telling you, you are going to alienate this girl to the point she is not going to want to hear your name. If you have to try to get her to go out with you, that should be a clue that this is not something she wants to do.
I hate to sound cruel, but you really need to get a grip and a clue.


I am not going to have to drag her out with me, she mentioned it earlier this week, I am just going to ask. If I leave her alone I resolve nothing and stay around waiting for her next call. That's how I am , I would rather know the bottom line so I can be upset again and then move forward from there. At this moment I am upset and emotional but still have hope, I just need to know if this hope is for nothing.

I am not trying to make her feel anything. I just need to know the bottom line, because this confusion and unknown state it really messing with my head and heart. I need to know from her that she doesnt see us getting back together or she does. Thats all, I need to know for myself so i don't wait around with false hope.
Well maybe if you would just leave her alone so she could figure it out, she would tell you. You need to get a clue. She is going out seeing other guys, what more info do you need.
If she wanted you back, she would be back with you. Move one. Who knows maybe somewhere down the road you two will meet again, but right now you BOTH have a lot of growing up to do.

Then you know what ask her out, say and do whatever you want. But then tell yourself that after this you will let it go.

Its over srry to say wait it out if she ants you back she will cal

its over srry to say wait it out if she ants you back she will cal


So should I say to her that its better if we don't talk unless she want to talk to me. We pretty much agreed that we will talk and I can call her and she will call me sometimes. Do I tell her that just to call me if she wants me back? I don't know if I can be so cold to her even though I know she is kind of doing it to me. This is really affecting how I sleep, and eat and my overall mood.

So should i say to her that its better if we don't talk unless she want to talk to me. We pretty much agreed that we will talk and i can call her and she will call me sometimes. Do i tell her that just to call me if she wants me back? I don;t know if i can be so cold to her even though i know she is kinda doing it to me. This is really affecting how i sleep, and eat and my overall mood.

No!

The key is to tell her whatever you just said you wanted to say when she asks "what the hell is up". Remember?

Don’t tell her anything unless she opens up first. And this is not about being COLD to her. This is about being indifferent with her.

Being cold is being rude. Being indifferent and leaving her alone, yet still responding when she is ready, is not the same thing.

Why would you rush? Look back at what I had wrote to you earlier about letting her ask, and you responding.

You don't want to look desperate and impatient with her... You are being very impatient and you are not giving her time. I feel your pain, but man you have got to stop and think clearly. Right now your emotions are your worst enemy.

You are in fact being selfish and want to rush things to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone who is admitting they are confused and in need of some space.

GOOD LUCK AND PLEASE BE STRONG! PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD! SHE STILL CARES SO DON'T PUSH HER AWAY. DON'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN SUDDEN SAD MOMENTS OF "MISSING HER" BECAUSE THESE ARE USUALLY THE WORST DECISIONS ONE WILL MAKE.

Don't call her at all. She knows how you feel already. If her calling bothers you tell her not to call anymore. I'm sure she will respect that.

No!!

The key is to tell her whatever you just said you wanted to say when she asks "what the hell is up". Remember?

Don't tell her anything unless she opens up first. And this is not about being COLD to her. This is about being indifferent with her.

Being cold is being rude. Being indifferent and leaving her alone, yet still responding when she is ready, is not the same thing.

Why would you rush? Look back at what I had wrote to you earlier about letting her ask, and you responding.

You don't want to look desperate and impatient with her... You are being very impatient and you are not giving her time. I feel your pain, but man you have got to stop and think clearly. Right now your emotions are your worst enemy.

You are in fact being selfish and want to rush things to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone who is admitting they are confused and in need of some space.

GOOD LUCK AND PLEASE BE STRONG! PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD! SHE STILL CARES SO DON'T PUSH HER AWAY. DON'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN SUDDEN SAD MOMENTS OF "MISSING HER" BECAUSE THESE ARE USUALLY THE WORST DECISIONS ONE WILL MAKE.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, I needed some today. I know I am being impatient but I just want her back. I just keep thinking of her with someone else and the jealousy is really bothering me more than anything. If I knew she wasn't talking to someone else or hanging out with them I would feel a lot better. I know she needs space, and I hope this time away from me makes her realize that I was special and she wants me but I guess that is not my call to make. Im just so afraid that she is just slowly getting over me by just talking to me here and there and focusing on someone else. I guess I should do the same, but I am not ready for that. I find it hard to believe that after 4 yrs she is trying to forget about me and do the same things we use to do with someone else. I hope its just a phase of discovering herself and realizing what's important. I want her to realize that she made a mistake.

Hey there Bummedout... have some patience everything happens to us for a reason. You have to believe in that... do as many have told you here. If she calls let the voicemail pick-up give it some time before you respond. When you do respond just be calm and cool, the key is to not bring up your feelings towards her at all. Your going to have to wait for her to bring them up before you expose yours. Even when that happens I wouldn't go crazy with expressing them. If it was meant to be it will happen, just remember there will possibly be a whole lot of heartache and pain to get there. Are you willing to go through that?

You want her to realize she made a mistake. What if she didn't make a mistake. What if her leaving was the right thing for her to do for herself.You're still under the assumption that she does not know what she's doing. She is not trying to forget you, but get over you, this is what people do when they move on.
I think this young lady has decided that she wants a change in her life that unfortunately does not include you. Now you need to get over her and move on.

Hey there Bummedout.......have some patience everything happens to us for a reason. You have to believe in that......do as many have told you here. If she calls let the voicemail pick-up give it some time before you respond. When you do respond just be calm and cool, the key is to not bring up your feelings towards her at all. Your gonna have to wait for her to bring them up before you expose yours. Even when that happens I wouldn't go crazy with expressing them. If it was meant to be it will happen, just remember there will possibly be a whole lot of heartache and pain to get there. Are you willing to go through that?


I am already going through a lot of heartache and pain so yes I am willing to do what it takes to get there with her. I know that things happen for a reason, just can't stop thinking there is something I can do. I guess I will just have to let things happen, I am trying my best.

Here is some insight into my situation right now - my boyfriend of 4 yrs ended our relationship 3 weeks ago. The first week I was a mess - calling him all the time, bawling my eyes out LOOKING for excuses to call. The Monday, 1 week after our breakup we had a talk and set a boundary. Two weeks of NC and we would talk then - what I didn't realize was that by asking him for this boundary he felt like he HAD to give me an answer in that allotted time. After a close friend speaking with him I realized that he felt like this and we spoke again that evening. During that conversation we came to a compromise. He wanted to be around to see me evolve and I wanted him there as well - we set a date to spend time together. He showed up at my house on Sunday (2 weeks after the breakup) unannounced - I was surprised and delighted, HOPE! That same day we had talked about hanging out the following evening - he called shortly after making the plans to say he had acquired hockey tickets and had to cancel - so, there is cancellation number 1. Last night we were to hang out - after ringing his phone too many times to count we finally got in contact - he had, had a bad day and to compound that I had called him 6 times. He yelled at me and told me he would call me in a bit - that bit was an hour. Once again he said "What time are you heading to bed tonight - I'm grumpy and I was wondering if I could call you in an hour." By this time it would have been 8:30pm and to top it all off I had refused plans with another friend. I did this in fear that if I canceled with my ex he would be angry. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His tone of voice and lack of understanding last night pushed me over the edge - I drove to his house and confronted him. He explained that he is so frustrated right now that he can't get in contact with his true feelings - until he does a relationship is not possible. He mentioned seeing a counselor to help him get past his frustrations.

Once again we are on NC - but the difference this time is, I am moving on. As a couple we are toxic right now and until we both fix our issues we cannot be together. In the state I am in and the state he is in we would do nothing more then make things worse - and I feel that this may be the same for you. You are toxic right now and until you can be happy with you and who you are things won't work, no matter how much you try to show her you have changed. In your situation the change would be seen as superficial and only done to win her back. Just my opinion.

Here is some insight into my situation right now - my bf of 4 yrs ended our relationship 3 wks ago. The first week I was a mess - calling him all the time, bawling my eyes out LOOKING for excuses to call. The Monday, 1 week after our breakup we had a talk and set a boundary. Two weeks of NC and we would talk then - what I didn't realize was that by asking him for this boundary he felt like he HAD to give me an answer in that allotted time. After a close friend speaking with him I realized that he felt like this and we spoke again that evening. During that conversation we came to a compromise. He wanted to be around to see me evolve and I wanted him there as well - we set a date to spend time together. He showed up at my house on Sunday (2 weeks after the breakup) unannounced - I was surprised and delighted, HOPE! That same day we had talked about hanging out the following evening - he called shortly after making the plans to say he had acquired hockey tickets and had to cancel - so, there is cancellation number 1. Last night we were to hang out - after ringing his phone too many times to count we finally got in contact - he had, had a bad day and to compound that I had called him 6 times. He yelled at me and told me he would call me in a bit - that bit was an hour. Once again he said "What time are you heading to bed tonight - I'm grumpy and I was wondering if I could call you in an hour." By this time it would have been 8:30pm and to top it all off I had refused plans with another friend. I did this in fear that if I canceled with my ex he would be angry. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His tone of voice and lack of understanding last night pushed me over the edge - I drove to his house and confronted him. He explained that he is so frustrated right now that he can't get in contact with his true feelings - until he does a relationship is not possible. He mentioned seeing a counselor to help him get past his frustrations.

Once again we are on NC - but the difference this time is, I am moving on. As a couple we are toxic right now and until we both fix our issues we cannot be together. In the state I am in and the state he is in we would do nothing more then make things worse - and I feel that this may be the same for you. You are toxic right now and until you can be happy with you and who you are things won't work, no matter how much you try to show her you have changed. In your situation the change would be seen as superficial and only done to win her back. Just my opinion.

Thanks for your story and opinion. Well I kind of agree with you because it seems like we both have some issues but really she is the one with issues with us. I want to be that guy that I was , and let it slip over time. I think she is afraid of giving me another chance and it going back to how it was, therefore wasting her time. I keep thinking there has to be a way to make see her see clearly but I guess their isn't right now. I am going to try to give her the space she wants, maybe that will clear her vision to who I really am and what we have together. Its hard to know though, I am confused because she is still confused and unsure what she wants. Should I just ask her straight up what she wants from me and from her life right now? Maybe get a better understanding of what she is thinking.

If she is confused how can she tell you what she wants?

You can compound the problem by continually asking her. When I continually pushed for an answer from my ex it made things worse.

She may be the one for you, but she isn't right now.

I understand being confused, because I am too - but what I do know is I can't and don't want to be with someone who is and the fix to confusion is them figuring it out on their own - you can't help her now, and until she fixes her issues there is nothing.

If she is confused how can she tell you what she wants?

You can compound the problem by continually asking her. When I continually pushed for an answer from my ex it made things worse.

She may be the one for you, but she isn't right now.

I understand being confused, because I am too - but what I do know is I can't and don't want to be with someone who is and the fix to confusion is them figuring it out on their own - you can't help her now, and until she fixes her issues there is nothing.

Well I agree with you , it just sucks.

You it does - I am going through the same thing right now. But you got to be strong for yourself, otherwise you are going to go crazy - if things don't work out this could mess things up for you for a long time.

You may want to invest in some self help books - right now I am reading a good one about how men and women are different and what to do about it. Its easier when you understand how men and women think.

OK so everyone is pretty much in agreement that I should leave her alone and give her some time. But lets say that in the near future, we are still talking here and there and I can tell she hasn't forgotten about me and still cares about me, if I did something really nice and romantic , like something so special that she would have to be impressed , would that help at all? I know I sound like a hopeless romantic but since this is what she really felt was missing in our relationship would that in any way possibly make her see that I can be that person she wants? I am just thinking here, not planning anything just seeing what you all say, but I can kind of guess what you will say. I just think that if eventually I don't try or do anything, that I may be losing an opportunity and always wonder what if..

If she ever gets to the point where she might want to be with you again, I think she will let you know.

I may have already said this but remember the line between a lovesick person who wants to see their love that wants space... and what constitutes a stalker can be quite blurry and hard to define. Please don't find yourself on the wrong side of it. Nobody is worth it. They asked for space you need to give it. Let them come to you. If you come to realize what kind of person they really are before that happens it's their loss to deal with.

If she ever gets to the point where she might want to be with you again, I think she will let you know.

So if one day she wants me back, she will just come out and say hey lets get back together? Don't you think women like to be showed out of nowhere how special they are, w/out asking for it? I mean I know what you are saying but it would be kind of weird if she just came out and was like hey I was wrong, aren't some women too stubborn to admit it even if that's how they feel? She asked for the break for her reasons, isn't it sometimes up to the other person to show them that they were wrong and they made a mistake. Kind of a prove me wrong situation. I don't know, I am not a girl but that also makes sense. If I broke up w/ a girl because she was too possessive or whatever, and she made an effort to show that she changed and really cared about me I think I would be more inclined to give her another chance. But I don't know maybe that's just me. That is of course if I didn't hate her or leave on bad terms which we didn't.

so if one day she wants me back, she will just come out and say hey lets get back together? don't you think women like to be showed out of nowhere how special they are, w/out asking for it? I mean i know what you are saying but it would be kind of weird if she just came out and was like hey i was wrong, aren't some women too stubborn to admit it even if thats how they feel? she asked for the break for her reasons, isn't it sometimes up to the other person to show them that they were wrong and they made a mistake. kind of a prove me wrong situation. i don't know, i am not a girl but that also makes sense. If i broke up w/ a girl b/c she was too possessive or whatever, and she made an effort to show that she changed and really cared about me i think i would be more inclined to give her another chance. but i dont know maybe thats just me. that is of course if i didn't hate her or leave on bad terms which we didn't.
She broke up with you. If she wants you back she will let you know. If you broke up with her and decided you wanted her back, you would let her know.
The only thing you need to show her is that you can respect her wishes.

Well I thought I would be able to make it through the day w/out getting emotional and tearing up but I couldn't. All I can do is think about her and how I just want to talk to her and see her. This is so hard I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am drowning and can't do anything about it. Its hard for me to accept that there is nothing I can do to help this situation for both of us. I am not an emotional person at all and this is really making me feel a way I never have before. I don't feel like doing anything but being with her. Even yesterday, a day I have been looking forward for a while, Halo 3 game came out, I didn't even feel like playing it. This is affecting my life in a way I never thought possible. She knows how I feel and what I want but I just don't know why I am not good enough for her. Thinking about it makes me want to cry and wallow in self pity. What can I do? I really feel like she's the "one" for me and I don't want to let go, I just want to fight for the love I believe so strongly in.

Good good, keep crying and being miserable - but whatever you do don't call her. I'm serious! You crying and feeling sorry for yourself (despite you probably having a roof over your head, access to the internet, food, clothing, water, living in a free country), is better than you calling her.

Just don't call and never contact her. She knows it is up to her. Please give women more credit. You are so insecure that you keep thinking the worst... you're even thinking that if she ever wants to be yours again, she will hide the fact?! What?

Come on now! Women want to be with strong men that shine even without them. Like, who are you without her? So far you are saying "I'm a nobody". Is this attractive? Is this someone worth being with?

You need to pick yourself up and fast. You need to show who YOU ARE, and not who you are only when you are with a certain someone. Get your confidence back up!

This is a "test of life". Everything being okay and pleasant does not test how strong you are. This is the time to put yourself to a test, and to show the world what a super man you are. And believe me, the best of women will notice.

Good good, keep crying and being miserable - but whatever you do don't call her. I'm serious! You crying and feeling sorry for yourself (despite you probably having a roof over your head, access to the internet, food, clothing, water, living in a free country), is better than you calling her.

Just don't call and never contact her. She knows it is up to her. Please give women more credit. You are so insecure that you keep thinking the worst...even thinking that if she wants to be your again, she will hide the fact???!!! What?

Come on now! Women want to be with strong men that shine even without them. Like, who are you without her. So far you are saying "I'm a nobody". You need to pick yourself up and fast. You need to show who YOU ARE, and not who you are only when you are with a certain someone. Get your confidence back up!

I know I am thinking of worse case scenario but I mean that's what a lot of people are saying. That I probably won't get back with her and she probably just wants to move on. I mean its hard to accept that. The only contact I had today was a quick text to wish her luck on her tests. I know even that isn't good but its hard because I just want her to know I am thinking of her and care about her doing well. I know I have it good compared to most of the world but after having her, nothing else will do. I feel like I messed up a great thing and I just want it back and to make it right. Why is love so difficult to keep and to understand?

You're having rejection issues. It is not that you aren't good enough for her, you just may not be the one for her and you know, she may not be the one for you either.
It may not be a bad idea for you to get some professional help with this. Someone to give you some tips on how to cope with this feeling of rejection.
You need to will yourself to get out and do other things. Start being concerned about your well being. You are a young man apart from her, she does not define who you are. Play you new video game, indulge yourself.

You guys could very well not be "the one" for each other. Sounds like she is probably your first love. Love and life can be difficult because we often have to make decisions and choices we would rather not make. But we live and learn.
You two may have been together for a season to prepare yourself and each other for another season with other people. This time can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Well I defintely do feel like I wasn't good enough and that she wants something else. That's part of the pain that I feel. I don't know if I need professional help yet but who knows how long this will drag on for. I just got off the phone with my exgf, she called me , and we just talked about her exams and how she was doing and everything. A pretty short conversation, 5 min or so, since she was going back to school for another exam. I know she's going through a lot of stress so I am not trying to add any for her by saying anything about feelings or whatever. When I talk to her I just feel better, still a little weird because I don't know how she feels talking to me but I feel so much better. I don't know if she wants to talk to me or she feels obligated to call me since she knows how much this situation is bothering me. Well I probably won't talk to her again tonight, unless she calls but I doubt it. I guess I can't tell if we are the "one" for each other but I do think so. But who knows, maybe we are just not right now or maybe we aren't. Either way I would rather know I gave her my all everyday and it not work than knowing maybe doing something differently would have avoided this whole situation.

You know you can sit there and kick yourself in the butt saying I should have or could have done this or that. I won't help. Here is a tip that I use to deal with my emotions after dealing with sucky situations. I grab a box of kleenix, I go to a solitary place (car, bedroom, etc.) and I bawl. I think about everything about the situation that pissed me off, hurt me, made me feel inadaquate, etc. As I think about those things, I cry even harder. Then, when I feel like I have emotionally been drained and I can't cry any more, I stop. And you know what? I feel a ton better. I have dealt with all of those bad emotions and they don't have power over me any more. Then, I look back at the situation with a clear head and analyze what life lessons I gained from that experience. Take this advice for what it is worth, but it may help... above all... DONT CONTACT HER... LET HER COME TO YOU. Well done on the staying cool during the exam call. Good job. That is the way to be.

OK so I hung out with her brother today, we are pretty close, so he came over and we just talked about everything going on and played some video games. He doesn't really talk to his sister (my exgf) so he doesn't really know anything about what's going on in her head. Anyway, her dad called me today, to ask if her brother had gotten here yet, and he was all nice like saying he missed me and not to give up and to win his daughter back. I mean I have been over there for 4 yrs so I know them pretty well and they know me and what kind of guy I am. Lately I hear that she has been fighting with her mom a lot about staying out reallly late and doing all these things that she hasn't before. I know the parents liked me and knew I was a good guy that would take care of her. This call from her dad made me think but I know that he doesn't really talk to her about anything going on. It kind of makes me feel that I shouldn't give up so easily but still give her space. I really don't want to lose her and feel I can make her see that she is missing out on a great guy. I am going to stick to the plan of not contacting her and see what she does. I hope we will be able to go out this weekend, but I am not pushing her to do anything. Well this is all I got for now, whenever I start to feel better I start to think about everything and feel like crap again. Hopefully tonight I can sleep w/out having dreams about her and us.

OK good morning everyone, today I am feeling better because well usually I would call my exgf every monring before work to say good morn and see how she's doing. Today I told myself I would not call and I stuck to it. She called me yesterday and I haven't talked to her since. So I didn't call this morn and felt bad but I stuck to it. I went to the bathroom, came back and I had a message on my phone. She had messaged me to say good morning so I answered and we went back in forth a little bit about her tests yesterday and what she's up to today. Seeing that she thought about me and took time out to message me really made me feel a lot better. So is this a good thing? Should I be encouraged that she at least thought about me this morn?

Your doing good, but one thing I want to caution you on. DO NOT read into anything! You going to fill yourself full of false hope. Take this day by day and step by step. Another thing is do not try and get any info about her, her feelings or what she is thinking from anyone. This will most certainly upset her, she will have people asking her this and that which will drive her away. Stay cool and stick to giving her space when she is ready she will let you know.

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy b/c we didnt really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didnt want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and i understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. it has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devasted, telling her how much i love her and how much she means to me. She has been goin out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that i shouldn't contact her but it is really hard b/c we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how i feel about her and i dont know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isnt ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work i dont work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and i dont want to lose her, should i keep fighting or just hold off for a while? thanks for any help and advice.
That's just like me and my fella I suggest you have a little break absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you see each other agen don't see each other too much because that's how you end up getting bored just see eachova of a weekend that will give both of you a break and if you have to maybe once in the week day. I beleave if you trully love each other it will go the distance. You don't have to go out there's loads of things you can do together in the house just pick something you both like doing and do it. When you have got money why don't you even try and wine and dine her if you haven't got enough money to go out why don't you supprise her may doing a caddle lite dinner in the house. If you think she's the one for you and it brings you even closer together again give it time then take her somewhere special and if you want to be with each other forever try and propse but surprise her.

I hope I've been some help let me no how it goes in the near future.

Thanks for the posts everyone, I am trying to take it slow and let her miss me. I hope this works for the best.

It will either way... look at this way. If it works out the two of you are together happy and making new memories. If it does not you have learned from this, grown mentally and all of this pain that your going through will end. Either way you will be a happy person once again and whole... it only requires time, which we all have plenty of :)

It will either way.......look at this way. If it works out the two of you are together happy and making new memories. If it does not you have learned from this, grown mentally and all of this pain that your going through will end. Either way you will be a happy person once again and whole............it only requires time, which we all have plenty of :)

Thanks, I know nothing is a sure thing but I feel better that she texted me than if she didn't. I didn't expect her to so I was surprised. I know this could mean a lot of different things and I am still taking it slow with her, maybe start with just going out and doing something together, don't know when but soon hopefully and then go from there. I am optimistic things will work out but this situation sure has taught me a lot about being in a long lasting mature relationship. I just hope I can move forward as a better person and partner with her.

Don't hope... know that you can. Remember only YOU can make it happen and right if you get that second chance. So get positive and don't blow it! OK :)

Don't hope......know that you can. Remember only YOU can make it happen and right if you get that second chance. So get positive and don't blow it! OK :)

Thanks, you have really put me in a good state of mind today. I am feeling better and know that when the opportunity comes, I will be ready. But at the same time, I will be trying to have a better life all around and be more balanced to avoid any of these problems in the future.

Well I was feeling pretty good today after this morning, knowing that she was at least thinking of me. I probably just did something to make myself feel worse and I am stupid for it. During lunch I just texted her about that concert in a few weeks that I thought she would like to go. I just casually asked her if she would be interested since someone at work has tickets and giving them away. I know this was just setting me up for dissapointment and it was stupid. She said no thanks, which is fine, I didn't really expect her to say YES but I was hoping. Now I know I shouldn't have said anything proabably, but I didn't push it , just a casual question to gauge interest. So knowing that, I shouldn't really feel bad right? I probably should have known that she wouldnt' want to go for whatever reason. I guess if she wants to hang out with me SHE will say something. Its just hard to keep telling myself that because I know if she goes out on the weekend with other people and probably some other guy she has been talking to, she won't be thinking of me. I still don't understand why she would rather be w/ someone else than w/me who she knows loves her to death and just wants to make her happy. This is really the issue that bothers me most, if I knew she was just taking time to herself I wouldn't be as messed up in the head. I guess I should be happy she hasn't shut me out and not contacted me at all. I am getting impatient about this whole thing and just want her back. I know I have been over this before but its all I want. I just wish she would see what I can offer her, I mean she knows but she needs to know how I have changed. I guess I have to just wait for my chance.

You are not getting the fact that just because you love her, it does not mean that she should love you. She is getting on with her life. She is growing and changing and you are not the one for her. Leave her alone and get on with your life.
Stop beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just not the one for her and honestly, I don't think she is the one for you.

The longer you hold out, the worse its going to get for you. I hate to say it, but if she wanted to be with you she would be with you. I know you are thinking most of us don't know the whole situation, but most of us have been through the same or similar situation at some point. A relationship can't exist if only one person feels the way you do, it takes two and she isn't doing her part, you should take it as a sign. Im going to guess that she is still contacting you because after 4 years, its really tough to go full no contact.

You need to be strong and start focusing on yourself. Its easier said than done, but it won't start getting better until you allow it to! We are here to help you get through this, but you have to start helping yourself!

Thanks everyone, after today's text fiasco with the concert I am not going to contact her again. She will probably call me later but who knows. I guess if she wants to talk to me she will call and if she wants to do something, she will ask. So I guess from here on out I am not really going to call her for a while. I still feel pretty good knowing she contacted me this morning but I guess I shouldn't read too much into it but its better than her not contacting me right? Anyway... I am slowly starting to move forward but still have that thought in the back of my mind that things will work out. This is how I feel for now, who knows later, my emotions seem to change on an hourly basis. There just seems to be a struggle inside myself between letting go and to keep fighting for what I believe and feel so strongly about. I know I can't change her feelings right away but hopefully over time she will realize I am who she wants and thought I was. Well I appreciate everyone's support, I don't think I would be able to hold it together at all w/out everyone's advice.

I think from this point on, you should stop thinking things like 'her' and 'she'. It should be all about you from now on. She is gone (even if its just for now) and you need to focus on you. Its not going to be easy, and its not going to be quick.

I don't know if it will help you or not, but every day when I wake up I write down the date on a piece of paper, and build a long line of days representing no contact. Im up to 28 days myself and really every time I think of talking to her, I look at how long I've gone and how much it would suck to start again.

I never thought of it that way - she is gone from your life right now and thinking of it that way is probably the best way to handle things. YES she may or may not be back again but if you consider living NOW without them in your life its one more step to living next week and next month without them in your life.

I think from this point on, you should stop thinking things like 'her' and 'she'. It should be all about you from now on. She is gone (even if its just for now) and you need to focus on you. Its not going to be easy, and its not going to be quick.

I dont know if it will help you or not, but every day when I wake up I write down the date on a piece of paper, and build a long line of days representing no contact. Im up to 28 days myself and really every time I think of talking to her, I look at how long ive gone and how much it would suck to start again.

Well the thing is that I know I will be talking to her here and there. I won't be calling her but I know she still wants to call me sometimes, and see what's going on with me. I mean after 4 yrs I would expect her to still care about me and have love for me. I think I just have to be strong and fight the urge to talk to her about what I feel and do something stupid. I keep thinking in my head that if I did something super-romantic and sweet that she loves, that it would make her look at me in a different light than what she does now. I know this probably isn't true but that would be a great story. For now I just have to control my urges and see what happens from here. I know it may not be healthy but I still do want her in my life, just hopefully one day the way I envisioned. I know I need to fight my urge to be depressed and go do stuff.

All right guys I have been fine all day pretty much but just started feeling that impatient, uncontrollable feeling to want to talk to her and see her. I mean I have seen her 3 days in the past 18 and that is the least amount in over 4 years. I just want this to be over already, I have so much love pent up inside to just give to her, its so hard to keep it in and think about other things. Its like that feeling when you are waiting for something to happen and the time won't tick away. I just keep feeling like that every once in a while. It is really hard to concentrate on work and everything because my mind wanders. There needs to be something I can do other than just not talk to her. I am still so curious what are the real reasons she was unhappy with our relationship, I just want her to tell me and talk about them like we always use to. I need help.

If you need help then you should seek professional advice. Because you aren't listening to anything anyone is saying here - you are making excuses for your behaviour - that's fine at first but go back and read everything you have written and then sit back and think about your situation. Really, you are making it harder on yourself. I thought contact with my ex would make things easier - instead it made things worse. We are not talking again - dude, you are going to come across as a psycho to her if you don't do something.

Well I am not contacting her, I am just saying I feel like I really want to. I know she doesn't think I am a psycho because she knows this is hard for me. She says its hard for her too but it sure does seem easier for her since I guess she has her reasons. Its just hard when you don't really see why this is all happening and feel that it shouldn't have happened at all. I am trying to cope with it , and for the most part I have tried to keep it all in but sometimes its just too much to think about and handle.

Keeping it all in is bad - so is acting on your emotions - I know this from experience. I rushed over to my ex's house during one of our talking periods and I was ready to end it right then and there - I was angry and was not thinking. If I had have just kept up with NC and not started talking with him again. I would not have had that urge and I would not have made an out of myself had he not canceled plans for that night (If we were on NC I would not have been expecting to see him).

I never said she thinks you are a psycho now - what I am saying is, if you continue on the downward spiral you are currently on you MAY come across that way and ultimately the end of this would be YOUR FAULT and you would have no choice in the matter. Would you rather sit knowing that there may still be a chance or continue doing what you are doing to eventually push her to the point where she tells you to screw off and you have a restraining order put against you. Control what you can now, not what you can't.

Keeping it all in is bad - so is acting on your emotions - I know this from experience. I rushed over to my ex's house during one of our talking periods and I was ready to end it right then and there - I was angry and was not thinking. If I had have just kept up with NC and not started talking with him again. I would not have had that urge and I would not have made an out of myself had he not canceled plans for that night (If we were on NC I would not have been expecting to see him).

I never said she thinks you are a psycho now - what I am saying is, if you continue on the downward spiral you are currently on you MAY come across that way and ultimately the end of this would be YOUR FAULT and you would have no choice in the matter. Would you rather sit knowing that there may still be a chance or continue doing what you are doing to eventually push her to the point where she tells you to screw off and you have a restraining order put against you.? Control what you can now, not what you can't.


Thanks, I definitely do want to think that there is a chance left because deep in my heart I know its true. You are right, the only thing I can control is how I handle myself alone and when I am around her or talking to her. I don't want to push her away, its just a lot of things running through my head all day that just messes with me.

I hear you - I have my moments where I am the same way. But one thing K said to me during our most recent conversation was "What would K want you to do?" So if you have the urge you sit back, breathe and say "What would she want me to do?" I know K would want me to be strong and not let my emotions run wild - so I sit back, breathe take a moment to say "Stop, you are being irrational" and I move on. I can't say I will always be this posed about the situation, but it is helping me right now. I try not to think about what he is doing because that doesn't matter - it's that I am getting better for myself and my future.

I hear you - I have my moments where I am the same way. But one thing K said to me during our most recent conversation was "What would K want you to do?" So if you have the urge you sit back, breathe and say "What would she want me to do?" I know K would want me to be strong and not let my emotions run wild - so I sit back, breathe take a moment to say "Stop, you are being irrational" and I move on. I can't say I will always be this posed about the situation, but it is helping me right now. I try not to think about what he is doing because that doesn't matter - its that I am getting better for myself and my future.


What if I do that and all I can see in my future is being with her? I mean I do tell myself to relax and just take it easy but I think about the future and what I want and I think of her by my side. That's what keeps telling me that I shouldn't let her go, its like the saying, when you want something and believe in something to go for it. I don't know how long I can sit idley by w/out saying something again or doing something. So many ideas go through my head that say, hey if you do this maybe she will change her mind or see that you love her so much you will do anything and realize that you are the one for her. I guess that's a fairy tale dream world but its hard to accept reality sometimes when you want something really bad and you can't have it , for now at least.

To be honest, I am just going to stop replying here because everything everyone says isn't enough...

to be honest, I am just going to stop replying here because everything everyone says isn't enough...


Sorry I know I am messed up, but thanks for the replies, I do appreciate them. All your advise is sinking in, slowly, but sinking in and making me think in ways I never thought. Thanks

So the bottom line to all of this madness is just play it cool, don't say anything to her and allow for her to miss me? Is that the only way I have a chance of getting her back? I feel like I am at the end of my rope and just wish I knew what to do to make everything better.

I mean it sounds so easy to do but the fact that she may be thinking of someone else already really makes me feel horrible inside. I just hope this guy or whoever ends up treating her like crap so she can realize how much better I was to her because I feel I treated her great, nothing was perfect but I would do things for her that most guys would not, and I know that for a fact. I just wish we could sit down and talk about what was good and bad in the relationship and if anything can be done about it. I just keep thinking that she kind of gave up too easy on us. I don't know anything anymore I guess I just have to let time take its course but I keep finding myself waiting for her to call and looking at the clock and my phone, even though I don't know if she will call or when. My hope is just way out of control right now.

When your through driving yourself crazy reread some of the good advice you've been given and make a plan to get healthy without her. Simple, but we here all know how hard it is. Give yourself a chance to heal.

When your thru driving yourself crazy reread some of the good advice you've been given and make a plan to get healthy without her. Simple, but we here all know how hard it is. Give yourself a chance to heal.


Thanks tali, I have read my whole post again, re-reading my own posts and everyone's advice. I am trying to get through this the best way possible but its just difficult for me to move on from her. I keep hoping for that moment where she realizes she made a mistake and wants me back in her life. Until something comes from her I know I have to just focus on myself, thanks for the support.

Perhaps you should start reciting the serenity prayer...
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The knowledge to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference.

You should take that to heart. Perhaps it would be best for you to tell yourself its over and move on. That way if she does change her mind, it is a pleasant surprise.

Perhaps you should start reciting the serenity prayer...
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The knowledge to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference.

You should take that to heart. Perhaps it would be best for you to tell yourself its over and move on. That way if she does change her mind, it is a pleasant surprise.


I would love to take that approach but its too hard for me to accept right now. I just don't want it to be over so badly that I can't think clearly about anything. I am messed up bad and I guess only time will make me feel better. Should I tell her not to call me at all anymore? I mean I really do like talking to her and it makes me feel better for a while but then I just miss her more. I just don't know if I could say that to her.

No one said breaking up is easy... especially when you are on the receiving end. But everything happens for a reason... and the longer I have lived... the more I realize that is true. I remember being crushed when I got dumped... but if that wouldn't have happened, other more important people wouldn't have entered my life. Where every door closes, a window opens (and it has a ladder :O) ) Sometimes, you need to take the glasses off long enough to see that the room has a window... and then you can appreciate the open window. If I haven't said it clear enough... get off your duff, get a hobby, have fun. She doesn't want you (why is not important), but there are other girls out there that are better suited to you. Stop sulking and enjoy life. There are many people out there that are less fortunate than you... savor the fact and be honored that you have many blessings in your life. STOP THINKING OF WHAT YOU Don't HAVE AND START THINKING OF WHAT YOU DO HAVE!! Ghostrider, I am over and out.

Thanks star I will try my best.

You can do anything you set your mind to... use that brainpower for good... instead of a situation you can't control.

I know , I hear everyone's advice and it sounds so good. Just for some reason tonight is worse than the past few days. I am really feeling it and I feel like such a wuss. I mean its hard to tell myself that the love I have for her and the feeling I feel inside can't be expressed. Its all coming out in other ways an I am really emotional. Maybe I just need to get it all out.

Then call her and tell her and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. This is something that a couple billion people go through every day, after breaking up, but this is also something that a couple billion people “get through”.
You will get through it. In the mean time breathe. In the mean time, even through all the pain won't go away, you can make at least 0.005 percent of it go away by doing things, working out, eating right, writing, reading, saving, etc.
I can't stress this enough: please work out and eat right. These two things will increase your endorphin like you wouldn't know it! You can't afford to eat things that will give you depression right now (and a lot of junk food is like that out there). Believe me, that it will help to eat right because not only will you look better, but you will think better and feel better.
You'll be okay. You can choose to be better than okay if you just use your time properly. I know how those super low nights can feel like your heart is going to burst inside you, but I promise that those nights will become (slowly) less and less. Good luck, and keep with no contact.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. This is something that a couple billion people go through every day, after breaking up, but this is also something that a couple billion people “get through”.
You will get through it. In the mean time breathe. In the mean time, even through all the pain won’t go away, you can make at least 0.005 percent of it go away by doing things, working out, eating right, writing, reading, saving, etc.
I can’t stress this enough: please work out and eat right. These two things will increase your endorphin like you wouldn’t know it! You can’t afford to eat things that will give you depression right now (and a lot of junk food is like that out there). Believe me, that it will help to eat right because not only will you look better, but you will think better and feel better.
You’ll be okay. You can choose to be better than okay if you just use your time properly. I know how those super low nights can feel like your heart is going to burst inside you, but I promise that those nights will become (slowly) less and less. Good luck, and keep with no contact.

Thanks well I mean I know in the long run I will be all right, its just dealing with right now that is hard. I haven't been eating junk food but I probably haven't been eating as much as I should and I really don't have the urge or energy to do much else. I am just watching TV and trying to keep my mind off where she is and what she is doing.

Then call her and tell her and let the chips fall where they may.


What do you mean? Just tell her everything I feel and to just tell me whether its over or not? She knows how I feel and has said we aren't together but she keeps putting a spin on it like she is confused and she needs time. Do you think she knows deep inside if she wants me back or will want me back and is not saying anything/?

You are not her conscience. Don't try to be. She is a big girl and she can make her own decisions and mistakes. That is her place. Your place is to control what you say and do. If you go around trying to be people consciences... they will never live up to your expectations. You can't control other people, but you can control what YOU say and do. Keep up the no contact.

You are not her conscience. Don't try to be. She is a big girl and she can make her own decisions and mistakes. That is her place. Your place is to control what you say and do. If you go around trying to be people consciences....they will never live up to your expectations. You can't control other people, but you can control what YOU say and do. Keep up the no contact.


Do you think she even cares if she talks to me or what I am feeling? She says she does but I don't know, sometimes I think she is just thinking about herself and not worrying about the person who has been there for her and loved her for such a long time. I don't think I would be able to do what she is doing. Saying all that, I still prety much would forgive her for almost anything. I guess love is just so confusing and makes people think and do crazy things.

If she truly cared for you... she wouldn't have left. It is a hard reality but it is true. People don't leave those they care about. People leave those that they don't like.

If she truly cared for you....she wouldn't have left. It is a hard reality but it is true. People don't leave those they care about. People leave those that they don't like.


That's another way to look at it. A harder and more cold way of looking at it but it kind of makes sense. I don't think she likes hurting me and doesn't care about me but I mean it definitely isn't nice to do this to someone so who knows what she really feels. I guess I can take her words into account but her actions speak louder. I still don't have ill will towards her and don't love her any less though.

what do you mean? just tell her everything i feel and to just tell me whether its over or not? she knows how i feel and has said we arent together but she keeps putting a spin on it like she is confused and she needs time. do you think she knows deep inside if she wants me back or will want me back and is not saying anything/?


See you know what the deal is, now you need to give her space, and while you're doing it, go on with your life too. I think she may be confusd, but I think deep inside she knows you guys are done.

Well I hope she is just confused but I guess I have to go on as if we are done for now. I guess that the only way I can start to feel better about everything and myself. Thanks

You're welcome. I really do wish you the best. You will get past this.

I know it sucks right now, but it WILL get better. Then you will meet someone terrific and understand that this all happened for a reason. Fate has a way of working itself out in mysterious ways.

I hope so, I also still hold out hope that she is the one for me because I really do feel that in my heart. I know now though I can't make her feel what I feel, if we are to be together again it will come naturally. If not, I know someone is out there for me, it just seems so far away right now.

Just take each day at a time. Reward yourself for getting through the day... rent a favorite movie, take a bubble bath, paint your nails... uh wait, those are chick things :O)

Okay, so scratch yourself and grunt loudly during your fav sporting event. j/k

Do something that you really feel at peace doing. I garden. Helping something else grow makes me feel that I have purpose. Find your own passion, or borrow mine if needed. :O)

What do you like to do in your free time... before you met her... or what have you always wanted to do (not a retorical question... please answer)

Just take each day at a time. Reward yourself for getting through the day...rent a favorite movie, take a bubble bath, paint your nails ....uh wait, those are chick things :O)

Okay, so scratch yourself and grunt loudly during your fav sporting event. j/k

Do something that you really feel at peace doing. I garden. Helping something else grow makes me feel that I have purpose. Find your own passion, or borrow mine if needed. :O)

What do you like to do in your free time...before you met her....or what have you always wanted to do (not a retorical question...please answer)


Well you know its hard to even think back to my life before her. It was just a typical first year of college when we met and I was just hanging out with friends back when everyone was still down here. Since then its been her and me with occasional friends here and there. So I guess I like to play golf, video games, car stuff. So I mean I could do all these things with her, I guess now I just have more time to do them. I guess after some time I will figure some other things that I can do. I just hope I do these things and get my mind right and then see where we stand in the near future. But I don't know where she will be, although we may still be in touch so I don't know how I will feel when I talk to her, when she calls me.

Okay... so this weekend (weather permitting) plan a golf outing with the guys. It will give you something to look forward to. A baby step would be to take a cool car for a test drive. Get you out of the house and into some fresh air. Test drive something with lots of ponies under the hood. That will bring out the spunk in you.

Okay...so this weekend (weather permitting) plan a golf outing with the guys. It will give you something to look foward to. A baby step would be to take a cool car for a test drive. Get you out of the house and into some fresh air. Test drive something with lots of ponies under the hood. That will bring out the spunk in ya.


Thanks for all your help and support, I really appreciate it. Don't think I would be able to even think right now if it wasn't for you and others on here. This is one of the best sites I have ever found. I just wish the circumstances were different.

So what kind of car are you going to take for a test drive? Huh... huh??

So what kind of car are you gonna take for a test drive? huh...huh????


Haha I don't know. I will see what's out there. Anyway, this morning I didn't call her again. We haven't had contact since she texted me yesterday morning. I pretty much doubt she will be calling me today since she works till 6 then probably will be busy tonight going out or whatever. So I am fighting the urge to call her or text her, its hard but I am trying. I mean I do hope she calls me eventually this weekend for some reason, but I know it probably won't do anything to make me feel better. I do have the urge to just ask her if space is what she really wants or if she just wants to be with someone else, because I know she is hangin out with that guy and those people from work and it bothers me. I sort of look forward to the week because at least I know she's not out late doing whatever with whoever. I know its messed up to think like that and not good for me but that's where I am at the moment. Maybe after this weekend I will feel a little better, but I don't know.

Should I even text her to say "have a good day at work"? I mean do you think that she will take me not contacting her as me saying that I am OK with everything and don't want to hear from her? I don't want her to get the idea that I don't want anything to do with her anymore and therefore reinforce her decision. But I know that probably isn't the case, just feels like it sometimes.

You're driving yourself nuts - go out and do something. Get away from the computer - for like three days straight you have been on here. Write in a journal - something... staying inside alone is going to send you to the loonie bin!

You're driving yourself nuts - go out and do something. Get away from the computer - for like three days straight you have been on here. Write in a journal - something... staying inside alone is going to send you to the loonie bin!


Well I am at work most of the time I am on here. Its hard to concentrate on work when I have all these emotions and thoughts in my head. So I mean I am not choosing to stay inside willingly, coming on here helps me because I get what I am feeling out and read what other people have to say, it keeps me stronger than I would be all by myself.

Is your work getting done?

Yeah I get my work done, I really don't do much as of now, its my first real job out of college and really just a job to gain experience on my resume. Nothing really hard or exciting. I have just been in a funk ever since this whole situation started, I am trying to act normal around people but I just feel depressed and its not so fun. I like coming on here to read everyone's comments and stories and advice. It makes me feel better sometimes that there is hope that things will work and yet give me the reality that they may not.

Do you use any IM clients at your work?

Do you use any IM clients at your work?


No, I think I have msn messenger installed on here but that's about it.

I ask because maybe there are people on your messenger list that can help you talk things through.

I ask because maybe there are people on your messenger list that can help you talk things through.

I wish, but not really. I mean I am able to function like a normal person and appear to be fine but inside is where I really hurt. I just want things back how they were, and my heart keeps saying to try and fight for it. But my head is saying that's not the right way to approach it, its just a battle between the two. Sometimes I feel like I am going to cave in and call her and then I will think for a minute. It's a hard battle to fight with yourself, something new for me and I wasn't ready for it. I keep thinking this is like the other times we have fought or she has been upset or something but it definitely isn't. I guess the bottom line is I Wish there was something I could do, I don't like when a situation is taken out of my hands completely.

Thing is, a lot of the things that you keep going over in your head you have asked on here and been given very logical answers on how to approach them.

I am similar to you - while I am at work I am not busy enough to keep my mind occupied. This place helps - but you do need to take the advice of others on here because it does help.

Right now I am faced with the same problem - My heart is fighting my mind, but in the end I know my heart can't win. I need to stay strong. She knows how you feel - you know that. Don't drive yourself nuts by over thinking things. Set yourself a goal - don't contact her for a certain amount of time - once you reach that goal you may find it easier to not talk to her. I personally set a timeline of one month - if he doesn't contact me by then, then I am taking control.

You say you don't like being in control - it isn't out of your hands completely - you have the CHOICE to tell her not to contact you because you need time to heal. But if you do nothing then you aren't taking control.

Thing is, a lot of the things that you keep going over in your head you have asked on here and been given very logical answers on how to approach them.

I am similar to you - while I am at work I am not busy enough to keep my mind occupied. This place helps - but you do need to take the advice of others on here because it does help.

Right now I am faced with the same problem - My heart is fighting my mind, but in the end I know my heart can't win. I need to stay strong. She knows how you feel - you know that. Don't drive yourself nuts by over thinking things. Set yourself a goal - don't contact her for a certain amount of time - once you reach that goal you may find it easier to not talk to her. I personally set a timeline of one month - if he doesn't contact me by then, then I am taking control.

You say you don't like being in control - it isn't out of your hands completely - you have the CHOICE to tell her not to contact you because you need time to heal. But if you do nothing then you aren't taking control.

Thanks, I know everyone's advice is good and makes sense. Its just hard to let go and to admit the fact that its over for now. I honestly don't know right now if I could tell her to not contact me. I just think I will wonder more about what she's doing and if she's OK. I am just taking it day by day for now, some days are better than others.

^^ you've said this before.

^^ you've said this before.


I know, I know, sorry for sounding like a broken record. Just hasn't totally sunk in yet.

Have you both ever talked about this in person - one on one since the breakup?

Have you both ever talked about this in person - one on one since the breakup?


Yeah, Twice. One time about a week after and then this past Sunday. I mean I have told her how I feel and what I want. She knows it but I am still confused on what she wants. She says she just needs time to figure things out and space but I don't understand because she seems to be talking to someone else and hanging out with them instead of me. She never was one to stay out till 3 in the morning but now it seems like she is going out with other people instead of me. I just don't understand why she can't see me doing these things with her. She knows I care deeply about her and would do anything for her, I just don't know what she wants from me. She wants to stay in contact but for what? To make me feel bad? I don't think so because I can tell she was hurt also seeing me like this and about everything but something in her is telling her that she has to do this. I just want to show her she can have fun and go out but doesn't have to break up with me to do so. This is where my jealousy comes into play, she says she is just hangin out with people and a guy from work in particular but doesn't want anything in form of a relationship. So I don't know if she's lying to me, that's what makes me feel worse than anything. After 4 years I know her pretty well and it seems like she has changed in no time at all. I don't know if someone is influencing her thoughts and decisions but it doesn't make sense to me. I just want her to be totally honest with me about what she wants and what she wants in the future.

You're over thinking the situation - if she has never given you a reason not to believe he in the past then you can't not believe her - unless you have proof. You can't be thinking about her going out and whatever else she is doing. I bet she is hurting just as much inside as you - she is just dealing with it a different way. She says she needs time to figure things out WITHOUT YOU - so her hanging out with other people may be her way of dealing with things. Remember though, she has to be by herself at some point during the day - when she gets up in the morning, when she showers, when she uses the bathroom etc - she has to think about you and everything else and I guarantee she is doing this when she is by herself.

But honestly, what more can people say to you to have you change your ways?

You can continue to vent here, but eventually people will get sick of telling you the same things over and over and will stop replying. So get out of the hole you are digging and fill it back in.

You're over thinking the situation - if she has never given you a reason not to believe he in the past then you can't not believe her - unless you have proof. You can't be thinking about her going out and whatever else she is doing. I bet she is hurting just as much inside as you - she is just dealing with it a different way. She says she needs time to figure things out WITHOUT YOU - so her hanging out with other people may be her way of dealing with things. Remember though, she has to be by herself at some point during the day - when she gets up in the morning, when she showers, when she uses the bathroom etc - she has to think about you and everything else and I guarantee she is doing this when she is by herself.

but honestly, what more can people say to you to have you change your ways?

You can continue to vent here, but eventually people will get sick of telling you the same things over and over and will stop replying. So get out of the hole you are digging and fill it back in.

Thanks, I mean I know that she is feeling something, maybe not to the extent that I am since she wanted this. I mean she really hasn't given me a reason not to trust or believe her in the past. Even after this I would still forgive her for putting me through this, its just the way I am I guess. I know all I can do is move on and then see what happens but its just hard and I always wonder if she is truly thinking about me and us or just trying to forget and start over with new people. Thanks for your insight and advice. I will hopefully be better later after work when I can get out and go do something.

Well I just think that you should leave her alone for abit.But if not then ask her out somewhere but don't make it too romantic as she might not want to or might not like the idea of going back out or get back into a relationship. Ask her if she is seeing someone else. But if you think about it if she's like this then what will she be like in the future.

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