hey guys thanks a lot for stickin with me. i know i have probably been a tough and stubborn student. well i talked to my dad today when i got home and he had some good advice and perspective that made me feel beter and to realize that this is a good time for this time apart. she needs to grow up and mature and so do i to an extent. well anywyas, i may have an opportunity to go to Costa Rica for 4-5 days to see my family, and oddly enough i would be leaving on my ex's birthday. If i do end up going, do i just call her to say happy birthday? do you think that by me not even being around on her bday, she will feel some sort of void, since we have celebrated the past 4 bdays together? well i just thought that was quite a coincidence. Well i will keep you all updated, thanks.

No. Don't call her.

Move on instead of dragging the breakup out longer and longer.

Just keep moving.

Move on instead of dragging the breakup out longer and longer.

The point you have missed from day one, start the healing process.

So we are all agreed. You are moving on, and NOT talking to her through any medium. She doesn't deserve birthday wishes (she did when you were dating, but she is a totally different person now who doesn't really care about you anymore as harsh as that sounds).

I hear you guys, I do, its tough but I hear you. I will be as strong as I can. I mean I thought it wouldn't be a big deal to just do that as a person that cares for her, not in a relationship way. I mean to be honest I would kind of expect her to wish me a happy birthday, because I know we don't hate each other. Well I take your advice, because I know that she needs to know that I am not here for her anymore, her decision , not mine.

i hear ya guys, i do, its tough but i hear ya. i will be as strong as i can. i mean i thought it wouldn't be a big deal to just do that as a person that cares for her, not in a relationship way. i mean to be honest i would kinda expect her to wish me a happy bday, b/c i know we dont hate each other. well i take your advice, b/c i know that she needs to know that i am not here for her anymore, her decision , not mine.


See now you are thinking like we have all thought when suffering from a breakup. You are expressing that you don't hate the girl, and that's why a birthday wish is to be expected. NO! Stop thinking this way because she was willing to take the risk of losing you when she made the decision to go with another man. This is how damn secure you have made her feel. It's time to make her see that there is a tad bit of insecurity to be felt, especially when it comes to her expecting you to wait like a dog. Oh yes, that's just it: she expects you to wait like a dog... and that's all under the guise of you thinking she expects at least a birthday wish or merry christmas.

When her birthday comes up, I'm not going to lie to you, that you will suffer and cry over how you did not contact her. You will feel anxiety.

BUT you will suffer more and cry more if you continue the contact.

And your rewards are the following if you take a TOTAL BREAK from her: You will move on faster, and if there is any hope of something "sparking in her" it resides in you to shockingly not contact her on her birthday. NOT EVEN A TEXT. She will probably get a little mad at first, but as a few months past, it will hit her like nothing before (especially if she bumps into you and you have IMPROVED).

This is your only chance of getting her back, if there is any at all. My gosh, she will look at you and say "what? I left him in the dirt and he only comes out to stand better and stronger?"

I'm not trying to give you hope, because 99 percent there is no hope, but that ONE PERCENT of hope is all in the hands of NO CONTACT!

And remember what I said: Why should she come back to you when are currently far worse off than when she was with you (that is, at the time that she was feeling she wanted "out")?

Hi,

My name is Halley now I can tell you this I am going through the exsact same faze really I am and it is really difficult. But what I have found it is that the guy I have been seeing for the past year is that when he says he oves me he means it because let me just answer your questions carefully.. Who worries about you when your ill ? Or maybe going to get hurt? Or maby when you don't text back or reply their call? Who looks at you in the eyes and tell you they love you ? Who when they see that your down asks what's wrong ? But if someone says to you don't look what is the first thing you do? These other people who have said things like well its her fault maby nothing is wrong maby you are just worried things will change and there I'm sure be more changes but its all the factor of life we go through many changes. Maybe its just that she knows that she can see you whenever she wants and she doesn't need to worry about that any more . Do this . Don't be worried and act like everythingis OK and just get on with you life like maby you have work a job or somthn get your mind on that and she will notice that your not as worried and she will give you the attention she always used to give you OK. Don't worry chin up

This is not a relationship issue, it's a life issue, and you will find that accepting what life throws at you, will tax the way you handle your emotions, and feelings in a healthy way. So far you have not. Just think about the time wasted to try and get someone to do as you wish. What a waste of time. Stop wasting your time, and emotion on a dead end, your choice not hers. I wonder how you would feel with some healthy thoughts and actions, guiding your decisions? Get healthy and you wouldn't have to wonder any more. You would know.

This is not a relationship issue, its a life issue, and you will find that accepting what life throws at you, will tax the way you handle your emotions, and feelings in a healthy way. So far you have not. Just think about the time wasted to try and get someone to do as you wish. What a waste of time. Stop wasting your time, and emotion on a dead end, your choice not hers. I wonder how you would feel with some healthy thoughts and actions, guiding your decisions? Get healthy and you wouldn't have to wonder any more. You would know.


Wow, really well said. Yeah you know it is more clear to me that life will throw harder situations at me and I need to deal with this, grow and become stronger for whatever else will come. I have wasted so much time thinkng about her and what she is doing, I have kind of forgotten about myself. It's hard since she has been a part of my life for 4 years and I love her but I should save my love for someone who wants to return the favor. I see the big picture better now, but I am not fooling myself into thinking that it will be easy. Thanks again tal, great stuff as usual. Always helping us think outside of ourselves.

Just remember that you will be fine in the end. There will be one day where this doesn't hurt anymore and you don't feel pain if you DO think about her. Focus on that day, and don't lose sight of it.

Good morning everyone, just thought I would come on and share how I am feeling today. I had a long talk w/ my parents about this yesterday and they pointed out all these things that they saw in our relationship but never told me because I know I probably wouldn't have listened at the time. They gave me some good advice on life and how these things happen, and if they never do, we never grow and learn. It seems pretty cruel and sick but I guess everything does happen for a reason. I have been trying to really accept that it is over, I took down her pictures in my room (it was pretty difficult) and just thought about what she has done to me. She has changed from the person I loved to someone that doesn't even know herself right now. When I start to really accept its over, it hits me again like a ton of bricks and I start to get emotional. What bothers me most is how easily and fast she has moved on to someone else after telling me she didn't want a relationship at all. I don't know what changed inside of her, but I know overall she isn't happy in her life right now and maybe she thinks someone new will change this. So I am accepting its over, every day is a little easier, yet I still find myself looking at the clock sometimes and thinking about where she is or what she is doing. The thought of her w/someone else makes me feel sick but I know I can't control that, she has to find herself. I do wish her the best, because after all I am not so much bitter, but dissapointed. The love I have for her is real, and I know it won't go away, and I do want to see her happy. I look forward to the day when I can look back at this and say it made me stronger and allowed something else or someone else, that I didn't even expect happen in my life. I was comfortable with her in my life in general, but I am starting to realize I really didn't have much of a life outside of her. I would love for her to be a part of my life someday, whether as a friend down the line or something more, but I know that now it is over, she needs to grow and mature and so do I. Its hard to accept, but all of you have helped me realilze it must be done, for my own good. So thank you all. Sorry for this being so long, I just needed to get out my feelings this morning.

I was like you about 3 years ago, my girlfriend did roughly the same thing. Her friends were my only friends at the time so I was devastated. I ended up hanging out with a couple people from work who had invited me out before, and 3 years later I have a huge group of GOOD friends I met through this one person. I never would have made these friends if it wasn't for the breakup, so right now I can look back on it as a completely positive occurrence in my life.

There is no better time to build yourself up to who you want to be then now man! Don't be afraid to try something new or set some goals that you would have said were impossible while you were dating this girl.

Make sure you take down the rest of the pictures/ any thing that will remind you of her. It makes it SO much easier.

I was like you about 3 years ago, my girlfriend did roughly the same thing. Her friends were my only friends at the time so I was devestated. I ended up hanging out with a couple people from work who had invited me out before, and 3 years later I have a huge group of GOOD friends I met through this one person. I never would have made these friends if it wasnt for the breakup, so right now I can look back on it as a completely positive occurence in my life.

There is no better time to build yourself up to who you want to be then now man! Dont be afraid to try something new or set some goals that you would have said were impossible while you were dating this girl.

Make sure you take down the rest of the pictures/ any thing that will remind you of her. It makes it SO much easier.


What happened with your ex? Do you still talk or have you ever since the break-up?

Situation similar to yours, we had dated 4 years. We took a 'break' and I kept calling her and she called me. She said she wasn't seeing anyone, and then bam she was seeing someone. I called her for a little while longer probably trying to change her mind then I went true NC. I set a goal of 3 months and when I reached that I really didn't want to talk to her again anyway. We talked back and forth through email after about 6 months, but I really had no reason to talk to her anymore. She got married this August and I really felt nothing but happiness for her, but I don't want her as a friend or anything.

Situation similiar to yours, we had dated 4 years. We took a 'break' and I kept calling her and she called me. She said she wasnt seeing anyone, and then bam she was seeing someone. I called her for a little while longer probably trying to change her mind then I went true NC. I set a goal of 3 months and when I reached that I really didnt want to talk to her again anyways. We talked back and forth through email after about 6 months, but I really had no reason to talk to her anymore. She got married this august and I really felt nothing but happiness for her, but I dont want her as a friend or anything.


Thanks for sharing. I appreciate all of your advice throughout this difficult time in my life. I hope I can be as strong as you and stick to NC for a few months at least. Its going to be hard with the holidays coming up and being use to being with her and her family. Well its up to the new guy now to be there for her, I cannot be there to comfort her and help her like I really want to because that would only be helping him. She needs to find out for herself what she wants and what makes her happy. Just by the person she is , I don't think this guy will do much for her in the long run, but that's not my place. I would be lying to you right now if I said I didn't wish one day she would realize what she had with me and chase me for a change, whether I would want her back or not, who knows. I know have to close this chapter in my life, look forward and most importantly improve myself as hard as it seems. Thanks for your support. Today is day 2 and still kind of tough, but I know eventually it will get easier.

Hey you made it to day two! Just take everything one day at a time. Im on day 45-49 (ive lost count) of NC and it really gets so much easier every day.

I don't know if this will help you but It helped me. I have a notebook I've been using for writing my thoughts (another great venting process) But on one page, I write the day (sunday, Monday etc) The days go in an inward spiral, until I eventually can't write them anymore. My goal was to be moved on by the time the days hit the middle of the spiral ( I only used half a page, so it is looking to be about 2 months). Now if I were to talk to her, I would have to start again which I really wouldn't want to do, because of how long its taken me to get to where I am. I broke contact 5 days in the first time, and I had to cross those days off and start again which really sucked. Seems stupid but now I can go 3-4 days before remembering to fill them in. It reminds me of those christmas calendars I used to get as a kid, where there was a piece of chocolate behind each day on the calendar, it gives you something to look forward to.

I also registered a livejournal account and wrote my heart out every day (I stopped wanting to after the 2nd which would have been our 1 year). Its all anonymous, but in a weird way it made me feel good knowing that my thoughts/feelings/pain were out in the public eye.

Yeah thanks, I have thought about writing down a journal of some sort but haven't gotten to it. Maybe I will start and that way be able to vent my feelings but I don't know if this will only make me think about things more and make it harder to move on. Well either way, I know I will look back at those things I wrote, letters, poems and even a scrapbook I was making for her and wonder what I was thinking. Its funny how fast life can change and leave your head spinning. Well thanks for the advice again, I appreciate it.

Keep in mind there is nothing wrong with thinking about things. Writing them down is a form of almost letting them go.

I know personally I didn't want to forget all the good times with her, but I didn't want to think about them constantly as it would bring me down. So I wrote down every good memory/event I could think of. Now I know they are there, and when I'm over her I can go back and read them. For the time being I don't have to think about them to prevent myself from forgetting them.

If you can truly admit to yourself that it is over, I don't see any problem in 'thinking' about things. Grieving is a process, you can't ignore the pain and suddenly become better. I know I tried. It takes lots of time, and you will think a lot. False hope or contact with her will kill off any progress you make though. I know you have to be starting to get sick of feeling this way, so it will be easier to find the strength to heal.

I think you should begin to focus on ways to get through your day or how you got through your day and start sharing it. This may take your mind off the negative and give you something positive to think about and look forward to.

OK guys I need a quick turnaround on this one. On my way home I got a call from my ex. Very surprising but I think I know what she may be calling about. Last week I helped her with some school stuff and told her I would help her with stuff. But that was all before Sunday night when she told me she was dating that guy for 2 weeks and didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feeligs. So does she really think that I would still help her and do these things for her when she is basically telling me that I am not important enough to be in her life? She did say she wanted to be friends but I said I don't think I can do that right now. So I didn't answer the call, should I text back just like what's up or call her back real brief to see what she wants but be or pretend to be busy or out doing something? I was starting to do well but now its all on my head. Its only been day 2 of nc and I really didn't tell her not to ever call me again but I mean I thought she kind of got that I was prety devastated and heartbroken. Do you think she would think everything is OK and I can just act normal so soon?

Don't call her back. Stop being the nice doormat she walks all over. And not returning her call is not rude, it's the first step to MOVING ON.

So if you really are serious about MOVING ON, DON'T CALL HER. NOT FOR A LONG TIME.

Even if she calls again, or no matter how many times she calls, unless she shows up at your door, she no longer exists IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT MOVING ON.

And if one voicemail sends you back to square one, imagine what ACTUALLY TALKING TO HER WILL DO.

STAY AWAY FROM HER.

--Cali

Cmon, don't call her man. Of course she thinks she can still use you for homework help because you have stuck around with all she's done to you already. She thinks that she can see another guy and still use you for all the help she wants/needs. You are going to prove her wrong by not calling her back.

This is no longer about winning her back etc, its about you moving on. That's pretty disrespectful of her to call you after you even said that you can't be friends with her right now.

You have told her how you feel. There really is no reason for you to call her. She will get the message when you don't respond.

Actions speak louder than words, and if your busy, and unavailable? That sends a better message than any one you can text.

I texted her back and I know you will all rip me. She just wanted to know how I was doing. I told her fine, and that I need time to heal. I can't talk to her as friends now and she needs this time to find out what she wants, because she admits she does not know. So I know I probably should have ignored her, but I am telling you , that is it, I am on strict NC so I can heal and she can find herself. I told her to call me when she feels she knows what she wants, and I will contact her when I feel I can talk to her as friends. How long that will be, I don't know. She thought I hated her, and I don't I am just hurt. The love is still there between us but not enough to continue our past relationship. We both need to move on, heal and we are agreed. So I know I may have dissapointed you all but that is it, I mark my words. NC starting again today. I feel better and more clear about what I need to do for myself and she needs to do what she needs for herself. I am certain we will both find happiness and really that's all I want.

Oh CMON!

Just kidding but seriously you have to really start now. Stop letting her use you OK?

It is kind of frustrating that you won't start NC. If this happens again and you talk to her, explicitly tell her that you can't talk anymore and ask her to please respect that. If you don't have the will power to not talk to her, ask her that.

No I know, I told her that I can't talk to her now and she said OK. I will not initiate any talk with her from now on until I feel I am ready. She needs to deal with this new guy w/out my comfort and familiarity. She has to figure out what she wants w/out me because I know if I am around, its like I never left so there will be no feeling of void and she would never realize if she missed me or not. So I know that this is what is right for both of us right now. Thanks for sticking to me, I know I was breaking NC but it wasn't completely clear, now she knows and I know and its on.

no i know, i told her that i can't talk to her now and she said ok. i will not initiate any talk with her from now on until i feel i am ready. she needs to deal with this new guy w/out my comfort and familiarity. she has to figure out what she wants w/out me b/c i know if iam around, its like i never left so there will be no feeling of void and she would never realize if she missed me or not. So i know that this is what is right for both of us right now. Thanks for stickin to me, i know i was breaking NC but it wasnt completly clear, now she knows and i know and its on.

Now you're talking! Although I would add, I'm also going to work on making myself the best I can be. I will start jogging or weighlifting and playing the guitar etc etc etc. Good luck man, and look at this as an opportunity to help yourself out.

no i know, i told her that i can't talk to her now and she said ok. i will not initiate any talk with her from now on until i feel i am ready. she needs to deal with this new guy w/out my comfort and familiarity. she has to figure out what she wants w/out me b/c i know if iam around, its like i never left so there will be no feeling of void and she would never realize if she missed me or not. So i know that this is what is right for both of us right now. Thanks for stickin to me, i know i was breaking NC but it wasnt completly clear, now she knows and i know and its on.


You know, I'm not trying to force my opinion on you, but you're looking at the whole thing the wrong way I think. Leaving her alone is not SOME PLOY to make her come back, or miss you, or make her realize oops, what happened to so and so. NO! It is so that YOU can figure out what YOU are doing. It's so YOU can repair the DAMAGE SHE DID TO YOU.

She already made her choice, IT'S HIM, NOT YOU. That fact that you still care that she knows anything about you IS THE PROBLEM.

SHE'S FINE. If you can't help with homework, she'll be just fine. She's HAPPY WITHOUT you. SHE'S NOT MISSING YOU. SHE HAS A NEW GUY IN HER LIFE. What else do you need to understand?

And if things don't work with this guy, and she runs back to the doormat ex, she'll wipe her feet on you, and still have COMPLETE CONTROL OVER YOU like she does now.

Dude, don't you have any friends or family to talk to? I notice you talk HER BROTHER so that you can keep feeding you OBSESSION over this girl. I think you should talk to someone in YOUR FAMILY or a GOOD FRIEND. Sometimes getting a metaphorical slap in the face from a good friend or family is what people need to wake up.

Anyway, sorry for being harsh. But you're starting to worry me. Good luck!

--Cali

The others can support you, and pat you in the back! I won't because you have earned... nothing. You can get busy, and build your own life, or talk crap, and go no where! Sorry guy!

The others can support you, and pat you in the back!! I won't because you have earned .....nothing. You can get busy, and build your own life, or talk crap, and go no where! Sorry guy!

Yeah. I need to hear a progress report from the gym, or something new.

Thanks for being harsh with me, sometimes I think I need that to get going. I need to build up my confidence again, when I was with her I had more confidence because I had that support and knew she was there. Now I have to re-gain my confidence and throw myself out there to do new things. I appreciate the patience and support, I am doing my best right now.

Thanks for being harsh with me, sometimes I think I need that to get going.
Its called being real, and thats what real humans do!!
I need to build up my confidence again,
DAH!!!!!!
When I was with her I had more confidence because I had that support and knew she was there.
Love is like that!
Now I have to re-gain my confidence and throw myself out there to do new things.
Thats just life!!
I appreciate the patience and support,
All humans need that!
I am doing my best right now.
I know you are, and as harsh and mean as I may seem. I am on YOUR side:D

hey guys thanks a lot for stickin with me. i know i have probably been a tough and stubborn student. well i talked to my dad today when i got home and he had some good advice and perspective that made me feel beter and to realize that this is a good time for this time apart. she needs to grow up and mature and so do i to an extent. well anywyas, i may have an opportunity to go to Costa Rica for 4-5 days to see my family, and oddly enough i would be leaving on my ex's birthday. If i do end up going, do i just call her to say happy birthday? do you think that by me not even being around on her bday, she will feel some sort of void, since we have celebrated the past 4 bdays together? well i just thought that was quite a coincidence. Well i will keep you all updated, thanks.

You are not her boyfriend anymore. DO NOT CALL HER!

It has been a while since I posted on here. Make a weekly plan of how to occupy your free time doing things that make you feel good... this can not involve contacting her or any of her family. This is about you. Next time you post, you better tell us all of the wonderful things that you have been doing. Our advice can only do so much, it requires action on your part to make it help. So darn it, get your butt out there and have some fun. You are young... enjoy your youth. Whoop it up!!

What does it matter if she feels a void? Your objecctive is to get over her not try and second guess her every motive and make her feel good.
Heal yourself, and leave her alone.

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy b/c we didnt really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didnt want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and i understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. it has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devasted, telling her how much i love her and how much she means to me. She has been goin out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that i shouldn't contact her but it is really hard b/c we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how i feel about her and i dont know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isnt ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work i dont work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and i dont want to lose her, should i keep fighting or just hold off for a while? thanks for any help and advice.
I like Cali's advice. You want her to make you happy; and she doesn't want that responsibility. More than likely, what she says she wants for herself is actually what she wants for YOU to do. Two people should complement each other, not suffocate each other.

This is exactly like my situation! Both my wife and I are 21 and have been married for 3 years. She just decided to take a break to find herself. Its hard to not call her or text. It is day 5 of her being away and she thinks she will be ready by Monday.

Wow- it's been awhile since anyone has said anything on this thread. Anyway, davinchi- make darn sure to NOT make contact with her. Give her ALL the space she needs, no matter how hard it is. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from following through with the temptation. In the long run, you will be MUCH happier that you exercised this self-control/discipline!

The threads nearly two years old guys I hope he s over her by now!