My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we have a little baby.

When we were dating, there was so much excitement and passion between us.

Now, we argue all the time, and always about the same thing! He won't show me any affection.

It's not like I leave him guessing what to do. I've told him OVER and OVER EXACTLY what he can do to make me feel loved and wanted by him. But for some reason he just won't do it.

He'll be good for a couple of days and make promises to be better and make excuses about why he's been like he has. But then he always goes back to the same ways!

He could go weeks without REALLY kissing or holding me or being intimate. He still likes to have sex every now and then, but I consider us to be still newly weds!

I've tried everything! I'm a very sexual person, I dress up for him, give him shows, and walk around in see through lingerie. He doesn't even notice half of the things I do to get his attention!

He says he is in love with me and attracted to me. But if that's true, why won't he show me the affection I crave for?

Some people for reasons mostly related to childhood issues of lack of affection and intimacy from parental figures---simply and literally get used to going without affection from other adults. I know this because I too suffer from this lost desire for affection.

I have noticed that I don't have any problems expressing attention, kisses, and hugs to my children. Therefore I am aware that this issue is relative to adults--as was the case when I was a child.

Please know that if your husband suffers from this--he does more than likely truly love you. People with this issue express their love in different ways other than affection.
People generally get the notion that affection=love, when in fact, it really does not completely define what love truly is.
Love is certainly multi-dimensional---and can be expressed as such.

My intention is not to undermine the overall need and desire for affection. Some people have more of a desire than others.
You mentioned the affection was great in the initial stages of your relationship which signifies that consciously and/or subconsciously your husband is also aware of his and your needs for affection---Yet, it is tied mostly to the initial courting stage due to an overall awareness of the need relative to a "relationship" rather than the individual themselves overall.

I would suggest going deeper and communicating the deep rooted issues that may have caused this "difference" within your husbands' personality. Seek help before this issue affects your personal self esteem as well.
Most of all approach the issue as calmly and understanding as you can. Your husband may not be receptive to dealing with the issues right away. Just "chop at peices" here and there until you two can fully communicate this issue and seek help for this.
Remember, we must give love in order to receive it the way we want it.
Hope this helps.

Sincerely, Tomy M. Hall, MS

Just pray and God will provide an answer.

Now, we argue all the time, and always about the same thing! He won't show me any affection.

In my opinion, arguing about it and making demands will only result in resentment.

I have a feeling there are underlying issues at work here and that you will need to get to the bottom of them before things will improve.

If he used to be affectionate before but isn't now, my guess is that it is connected with the arrival of your baby (how old is he/she, BTW?). You are parents now. Maybe he feels that it is inappropriate for parents to behave like newlyweds. If he does, he's most likely not aware of it. Or maybe he is stressed in some way. Did you both want the baby? Was the pregnancy planned? How did he behave during pregnancy?

Read the Bible and believe in Jesus. What you are going through is just part of God's great plan.

I was upset about being pregnant so soon after getting married, but he was thrilled. I had a rough pregnancy, but he was excited the entire time. Our little girl is now 9 mnths old. You know, my body looks a lot different now, but he says he doesn't care. But he is very affectionate and loving with her. Now he'll tell me he loves me all the time, just won't show it!

Read the Bible and believe in Jesus. What you are going through is just part of God's great plan.
Maybe you're right,or maybe you're just upset because I disagreed with you on a different topic. ;)

Telling you that he loves you, may just be his way of showing you! Some men never, ever even say the words... I Love You.

I am now sensing, that perhaps you may have trouble feeling loved unless you are also receiving constant affection. This scenario can go both ways realistically.

Or, perhaps you don't feel loved unless you can have it your way. "Removing Self" is an important part of receiving someone's love. Perhaps's you can examine some issues within both yourself and your husband on this matter.

Affection and/or sex is an important part of a marraige--but, I am not sure if it should be considered as the #1 priority of this sacred institution.

Hypothetically speaking, (Not related to your scenario) But, generally speaking,

What if for some reason a medical condition, accident or illness prevents a husband and wife from their "previous, normal and regular" affectionate and sexual activities?

The marriage and relationship----will it survive? Well, I think that would depend on the priorities which were set within the relationship all along. The marital and family institution is sacred and involves much more intimacy than that of affection and/or sexual competencies.

Of course---these are my personal views and/or opinions expressed. Thanks Much.

Any Thoughts here Gang?

Tomy D. Hall, MS

If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason! I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy. Even all the small things like matching the ends of the bread on his sandwich. I am a very simple woman, don't need much, I just ask for his affection. How is that too much to ask for? I believe love is an action. You can say you'll jump off a building all you want, but it doesn't become true until you do it!

Some men have a hard time showing affection after the arrival of the baby. They tend to begin to see their wives as mothers rather than as a sexual being.

It doesn't mean that he feels differently for you, just that you now have a new role in life. If you had a difficult pregnancy he may be afraid that you may become pregnant again.

My husband and I have not made love in almost a year!! Yup, a year. No, there is not physical disability. Just that I started nursing school. When I am getting up to get ready for class (usually around 4 am) he is going to bed. Our schedules have changed, our priorities have been temporarily shifted. We have 4 beautiful children (2 still at home), and what extra free time we have is devoted to them. We love each other deeply, and our love has strengthened through this past year.

You see, although the act of making love and showing affection is important in a marriage, it is not everything.

Again, I am wondering if he sees you as a mother instead of a lover now. It happens more than you know.

You mentioned that your body "looks a lot different now".

Could it be that you don't feel comfortable in your own skin and that you suspect your husband of being dishonest when he says he doesn't care about the changes (because he doesn't prove his being attracted to you by showing you the same affection as he used to)?

I have to agree with J_9, I sometimes see myself as a mother and not a lover! I know what your husband is going through, don't think it is only you who is going through this. His is on the other side, I am positive he feels bad for not being able to completely satisfy you. I feel that way too sometimes! I feel bad because I am not satisfying him, it is not as simple as you may think to just crawl in bed and say OK, here I am take me... It just isn't. It goes deeper than that. You can't push or nudge him into doing anything, I know if my husband says anything about it, I feel way further away from him than I did before he even said anything at all. Therapy would be very good for you and your husband! But GOD is good too, KARMA, knock it off. Good luck to you .

If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason! I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy. Even all the small things like matching the ends of the bread on his sandwich. I am a very simple woman, don't need much, I just ask for his affection. How is that too much to ask for? I believe love is an action. You can say you'll jump off a building all you want, but it doesn't become true until you do it!

This is will be my last comment on this queston: You don't seem open too much exploration of the issue.

There is a reason--a very specific one. Your responsibility is to find the reason---whether the issue lies with you or your husband.

Your comments again are suggesting - the selfish side of your views.
"If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason!"

"I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy."
Again, it may not be about anything that you're doing or not doing---which signifies that there is another reason!

There is a middle ground. As a couple, you must Communicate---Find the most comfortable way to talk about and bring out what the causes/underlying issues may be.

For you to "stop" expecting affection is no better than your husband not giving it to you as a required need.
To "stop" expecting for your needs to be met---is self-defeating--and will cause resentments within your relationship.

Remaining open, calm, humorous and understanding will help tremendously. Perhaps, you can "act out" in some way humorously--How you feel your husband responds to affection---in order to shed some light.
As was alluded peviously by another respondee--perhaps, your husbands' perception is different from yours, thus, his awareness is dim on the matter.

Gradually, take a patient and mature stance on "progress" within your marital relationship. As a life long committment--you both still have the time to grow and mature together as a family.
Not ALL of your needs will ever be met at any ONE time by your husband, yourself or anyone else for that matter. Settle this one, another issue is sure to arise. Mature, grow, and be determined to deal with the matters progressively.

Be patient, Sweetie and please continue your efforts towards getting tips and help on resolving this issue.

Also, I strongly suggest that you get your husband involved. Maybe even involved with this forum! Let's Work it Out ;)

Hope this Helps, I will have no further comments on this question.
Tomy M. Hall, MS

Lauren, you are right I have been for 11 years actually. But it has been this way since the middle of the second year... I had our first baby less than a year after we even met. I am telling you I still feel the same I have been working on it because I want him to be happy but it is a hard thing to do. (have sex when you don't feel like it)

Ok, so I have a new question, should I just stop expecting it? Stop pressing him, and learn to not need the affection?

Nope, you should openly and honestly talk to him but don't blame or push. EXAMPLE: I am initiating sex and my husband says something like "see that's what I am talkin about" that really pisses me off. Just let it be and let it go where it is supposed to. Don't be pushy and yes I guess you should just relax a bit on being so needy.

ton_ty2275 agrees: Great Emphathetic View from the other side! Both sides of any equation is equally as important. Thanks for your thoughts. LOL, I am not from the "other side" I am a woman also.

However, I know what I said not from experience, but from what my husband told me when we had a face-to-face conversation about why I felt he was not giving me attention any longer.

He is the one that told me that he saw me now as a mother, not a lover. He was the one that told me that during my complicated pregnancy that he was afraid for it to happen again as he did not want to loose me.

You see, men are so much more complicated than we give them credit for. Us women are "talkers" we like to talk to solve our problems. However, to a lot of men, they keep their problems to themselves. They are fixers not talkers. If they can't fix a problem on their own they don't go around to their buddies asking their opinions as us women do. They intermalize their feelings, where we ask opinions from our girlfriends.

LOL, I am not from the "other side" I am a woman also.

However, I know what I said not from experience, but from what my husband told me when we had a face-to-face conversation about why I felt he was not giving me attention any longer.

He is the one that told me that he saw me now as a mother, not a lover. He was the one that told me that during my complicated pregnancy that he was afraid for it to happen again as he did not want to loose me.

You see, men are so much more complicated than we give them credit for. Us women are "talkers" we like to talk to solve our problems. However, to a lot of men, they keep their problems to themselves. They are fixers not talkers. If they can't fix a problem on their own they don't go around to their buddies asking their opinions as us women do. They intermalize their feelings, where we ask opinions from our girlfriends.

LOL, Please note that the term "emphathetic" not "sympathetic" actually means placing yourself in another's shoes---whether male or female... Your gender was not my point at all. Your perspective from the "other side" was.

Now, how's that for a LOL? Really? We can clearly see how one's perception of an initial understanding can affect communication. Nevertheless, again, your thoughts are very "emphathetic" meaning you look at both if not several sides of an issue---Continue On and perfect this ability.

Tomy M. Hall, MS

Ok, so I have a new question, should I just stop expecting it? Stop pressing him, and learn to not need the affection?

You admitted that you feel uncomfortable with your body. To me, that means you are probably looking for constant reassurances from your husband that he still finds you attractive and desirable. This is the point you might want to work on, because nobody likes to be pressured for attention.

Whatever the issue is, only you can make yourself comfortable in your own body. If you find yourself unattractive, there is nothing your husband can say or do to change your mind. When he shows you affection in the way you require, it might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, the doubts will return.

Kattalover, I agree. If that is the problem, it needs to be addressed! Good luck. I hope youa re finding what you are looking for.

You admitted that you feel uncomfortable with your body. To me, that means you are probably looking for constant reassurances from your husband that he still finds you attractive and desirable. This is the point you might want to work on, because nobody likes to be pressured for attention.

Whatever the issue is, only you can make yourself comfortable in your own body. If you find yourself unattractive, there is nothing your husband can say or do to change your mind. When he shows you affection in the way you require, it might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, the doubts will return.

This kind of stung a little. But I think this is finally my answer! I have always been so uncomfortable with my appearance, and after my pregnancy it just got worse, and you know, things with my husband got worse then too. Thank you, this was very helpful and I really believe this is my answer!

Aw, you will get there, concentrate on yourself for a while. Get it right with yourself, and it will be right with him. Good job. Good luck!

You know what else, I find I am the only one that is really too hard on myself. I needed to realize that no one really noticed what I noticed. I learned that when my daughter complains that she is not perfect. I really hope you know that you are beautiful. I just know you are!

Whether you know it your whole life has changed, and the routine you once had is gone. I suspect your husband has a hard time finding time for your affections, when your busy with your new child. The entire dynamic is different, as you're parents whose life evolves around the child, and it will take time before you both have mastered this new house hold. Now is the time to develop the communications that you need to solve some of these new problems that will pop up. Be patient and understanding and work with the subtle way of getting time for you and your husband, because he to has changed as he is a dad, and doesn't want to intrude on the babies time either. Essentially you both have changed, and it will take time to get it back together. He probably doesn't realise where your head is after having this child, and you will have to help him to know how you feel by talking, and letting it sink in, as we men see things entirely different than you do, so cuddle with him, and be more affectionate and sooner or later he will reciprocate, just in time for the next child. Patience as you both are very young, and we all go through the same things, and it usually works out in time.

This kinda stung a little. But I think this is finally my answer! I have always been so uncomfortable with my appearance, and after my pregnacy it just got worse, and you know, things with my husband got worse then too. Thank you, this was very helpful and I really believe this is my answer!

I'm glad you found my prodding helpful. I know I can be a pest!

The great thing is that now YOU are in control and will be able to take steps towards making yourself feel better. For example, if your problem consists of weight gain, start making small changes to your diet and start walking for 30-60 minutes every day (take hubby and/or baby along - fresh air will do all of you good!).

As talaniman has said, your and your husband's roles have changed from newlyweds to parents. That is a huge change, and it is scary and stressful for both of you, so make sure you arrange for "couple time". Find a babysitter for a few hours and do something together, just the two of you, on a regular basis.

Good luck to you - and keep us posted!

Oh My Gosh!! I just can't tell you guys what you've done for me!
Ok, so this affection problem has been a HUGE issue for a While now, and I've tried everything, and cried and cried and just gotten so depressed over it, and we've argued about it like you wouldn't believe. I really was believing my husband just wasn't Truly in love with me, and it hurt!
So I asked him if he was not shown affection in his childhood and all that, trying to find the answer with him.
Well, yesterday, for the first time, I turned everything around, and looked at myself, and realized it was ME the Entire time! Now, that's not exactly easy to admit!
So, last night I had a long talk with my husband and we talked about my insecurities, and he said he knew that's why I was so needy of him, because I needed the constant reassurance. And he never even told me!
I know my husband really loves me, he's so great. He put up with that and never said a word. He said he noticed the more my body changed( the more stretch marks and more weight I gained) the harder I got on him. He just said he was trying to understand because he knew it had to be hard on me. He said I was giving him the greatest gift in the world, and that no matter what I looked like, I was still beautiful and to expect me to be anything different would be just evil.
So, I was overwhelmed and amazed, and so thankful. It's like this huge weight just lifted!
So I asked him why he was so different from when we were dating, and he said he does feel different now, not about me, but about himself, being a father, and it's all still so new. He's feels it more important right now to focus on being great parents for out little girl. He still wants to go on our little dates here and there, but really, he wants it to be OK if we're just both pooped at the end of the day and just go to bed.
So, I am a different person today, the light is now on! Lol Now, I can start enjoying being a mother and not worry so much about what having her has done to my body.
WOW, thanks to all of you! Now, it'll be a work in progress, a daily thing for me. I'll just have to learn to not be so hard on myself!

You just put a tear in my eye, what a wonderful talk. What a wonderful husband and father. You are so lucky. Thanks for sharing that, it truly is special! Good job. You just took a huge step. You should be very proud.

All right, I got a small tear too, but don't think for a minute I'm a sissy. But I am so glad you have found out about YOU, and are doing something positive. Oky maybe there are TWO tears, and I'm glad for you and your husband, and the babies for having loving parents..

? Sorry, but God created sex and putting two people together. Denying your partner intimacy is not part of His "great plan".

OH MY GOD, Darl your not alone. I have done everything you have said. It is as if I wrote all this. Ive tried sexy underwear etc, told him point blank what I need him to do to show the love, I hint him on etc and I get no response but the shoulder or he will say your being annoying. We have been married 4 1/2years now and have a beautiful 10 1/2month old and yet I can't understand that he can show so much love and affection to our daughter, even though she annoys him regularly in ways where he just hands her over to me because he has the s**ts with her. Yet we hardly see each other let alone spend time with each other. I can't understand how he doesn't want me. I myself had a rough pregnancy and my body isn't the same, I hate it. The strech marks and loose skin.
I don't quite blame him for not enjoying sex with me, but he never apparently liked sex even before we got together. Yet when we got to together he was all over me. I asked him why he doesn't do any of those things with me anymore to try and impress me and all he had to say was 'why? I've got you now. I don't need to.' I couldn't believe it.

I can't understand how he can't see that this is crushing me at the heart.

Why would he do this to me? He was the one that did all the chasing, not me! He chose me and in return I chose him. What can I do to rekin-dle that love in his part. In unhappy and out of hope.

I wish I could understand my husband. I also feel unattractive and sometimes unloved. We have only been married 4 months! I am 10 weeks pregnant now but I felt this way before we knew I was pregnant. He is always to "tired" to show me affection or has something he has to do. Whatever to make an excuse. I know he loves me so why doesn't he show it? Im about to my breaking point because its making me depressed a lot and I really don't need that right now. He tells me he loves me sometimes but I hardly even ever get a kiss on the lips! Things were so different before we got married:( When we do actually have sex it doesn't even feel the same anymore. How am I supposed to make my husband realize what he is dooing to me? I tell him all the time that I need more affection and that I don't feel like he is attracted to me and he just says stuff like "well I still feel the same about you" or "I dont know what you are talking about":(
What the heck is going on!

There is a book called "for men only" and that book is so good because it tells you the physce of men . It says that more times then not men can literally feel intimate by just being in the same house as there wife. Even in the same room sitting on sepereate couches watching a movie or even just sitting together over dinner can be intimate for him. Woman are built a totally different way. Women get that intimacy from contact. To feel loved it is in our nature to want physical contact and hugs and kisses and to be pulled close and adored by our loved ones. For some men that is just not there LOVE language. There is a book called Love languages and it breaks down the 7 different love languages the people have. Some are physical some are givers some are receivers some are emotional everybody is different. God says that love is not a feeling it is a choice. When those sparks stop coming it is your choice as a woman of god and a wife to husband to continue to love that man. But that doesn't mean that your relationship should not be nurtured.. womean love to nuture our family and we need it back. God is like a non stop flowing faucet constantly pouring is love into us. And we as a his people are sent in this world to pour out his love and grace. But here's the thing what happens when our vases go empty? We look to the people we love most to pour more love into us. That's why girls day out are so replenishing. But you need that love poured into you from you hubbby because you are pouring your love into him. Pray on it girl and god will bring those walls like nothing you have seen before. :D I'm exxcited becaues I know gods going to bless your relationship.