Hello,

Once again I end up in a difficult situation, girlfriend decided she wanted a break because she starting a new job, she tells me this over the phone, I tell her I am coming over to get by benchpress and a few things, when I get there, all my stuff are packed in bags, she doesn't let me in the front door and says go in by the basement door. When she opened the door I just collapsed on my knees in shock all my stuff was ready to go.
I told her I needed a moment to calm down because I could not take my stuff and leave, I am diabetic and my sugar was really high. She let me calm down and invited me upstairs in the living room. She was angry and full of resentment. She said she felt like roommates and she lost her feelings for me. So I started to feel terrible and I could not hold my emotions and asked what did I do?

She said that I wasn't active enough and I had lost all the traits I had when I started dating her 5 years ago. Then she started crying and became emotional and she looked like she wanted to give it another chance but a break was needed. I told her I did not believe in breaks and it would just push us away into someone else's arms.
So she suggested we see each other once a week to do activities to stay active and don't get depressed and talk once a day. Since I was emotional I accepted. I packed my stuff in my car and she followed me back home on the highway. Then we waved goodbye and she went to her mothers place. An hour later she asks me if I want to go for a walk and go for icecream. So I say OK and meet her. She shows up with a new hair do and all smiling. Like if she wanted me to feel good about the break.

After a week of talking on phone, I refused to do any more talking or even go for activities with her because I didn't want us to fall in the friend zone. So I told her after the break we can talk.

We had an agreement that we were suppose to meet up on July 2nd and talk about the break and if we continue the relationship or end it. She hasn't showed any sign of life. Should I break no contact?

When has there been "no contact"? My advice is to break completely and permanently with no more talking in person, no phone calls, no texting, no ice cream dates, no checking about each other with friends and family, no Facebook interacting. Nothing. Zilch. TOTAL break.

I told her I did not believe in breaks and it would just push us away into someone else's arms.

That's one thing I would never say. Talk about weak and needy! UGH! Break/break up... what's the difference?


Should I break no contact?

No you got dumped so get control of yourself and move along with your life. 5 years is a rather long time to date without a deeper plan for the future.

I always like to know some really basic practical matters like where exactly were you living? 'Coming over' implies that you weren't living with her.

Yet you kept your benchpress there? Dude, I mean really. Rule # 1 is Wait until Asked to Move In before you send out an advance party of gym equipment.

Are you living with your parents... and not exactly rushing over to see her with a sparkle in your step? Gee, let's see, my girlfriend has her own apartment, so I'll just run over and do some bench presses.... or plop down on the couch to play video games or watch TV or text all my friends....

please correct me if the image is all wrong. My gut says you aren't the most sensitive guy on the relationship scene. Yes, 5 years can do that, but what exactly has been going on in terms of real steps toward a more solid relationship for 5 years?

I decided to do a no contact break from June 3rd until today, I only broke it on June 10th to text her happy birthday but no kisses. She wanted me to take her out on her birthday when we were still talking on the phone. But after implementing NC. I decided not to take her out and just text her.

I decided to do a no contact break from June 3rd until today, I only broke it on June 10th to text her happy birthday but no kisses. She wanted me to take her out on her birthday when we were still talking on the phone. But after implementing NC. I decided not to take her out and just text her.
Um. NC means NO Contact. NONE. NO texting. NO CONTACT.

And it's not a way to make her miss you by depriving her of your wonderfulness. That's NOT the point of NO Contact. This is NOT how to get her back.

I implemented no contact after the first week of the break because we both needed time and space to reflect on the relationship. So now it's been a month we haven't spoke. I only broke it by text to with her happy birthday on June 10th.

Ok let me clarify,
She has a house up north and I have an apartment 1 hour away from her. I brought the bench at her place so she can use it too, because we had like a little gym room in her basement. She always asked me to go live with her, but I was resistant to make the move because it was a big step, we were both unemployed for the majority of the relationship, she got depressed after losing our baby 3 months into pregnancy, and started taking anti depressants which really changed her. I would say the 2nd year together she became a mess. Then her family started to blame me because I was unemployed too and they said she lost the baby because of my negativity. But she was 41 at the time and I did research and women only have a 5% chance of having a baby at that age. Then I started to notice she lost her libido and had a very low sex drive, no orgasms, it's like she just shutdown and when we did have sex it was occasionally and she had to put lots of effort to enjoy it. At the beginning of the relationship she always initiated it. Then because of her family blaming me, I avoided going to family parties and I felt kind of ashamed of my unemployed situation. She also had financial problems and problems with her house which was built with cheap materials and I was always fixing stuff or painting or cutting the lawn. Yes I could have moved in with her but I was also worried she would one day say I don't have feelings for you so take all your stuff and leave and then I would have lost my apartment and end up moving with parents. One friend of mine told me once, never move in with a woman in her house, but buy a house together and move in together. But I think the main reasons she ended it is: 1-unemployed & 2- not active enough, she wanted me to do sports and outdoor activities with her and 3- I am type 1 diabetic and I was sometimes irritable when my blood sugar was high. I wish she would have communicated better with me, she just ended it very quickly and I felt betrayed. I stilll have some things at her house, should I wait till she calls me to go pick them up or should I just send her a letter telling her I want the rest of my stuff and I am over the relationship.

Wow, just wow...
I wish you had told us all this at the beginning.
She got depressed and still is. If she had hoped for children, that's gone. SHE'S IN HER FORTIES!
I'd let her continue her resolve to be out of the relationship, even if she is torn. I don't think you can be what she needs, and she needs a lot.
Wait til she calls you. Be nice to her. Getting your stuff is just a side issue.
Talk. Have a long, long talk about what really matters in life, to each of you.
if there is any way you can be friends, be one for her.
YOU be the strong one on this. Be a friend but don't get involved again. She just needs someone to talk to while she turns her life in a new direction. Yes, fall into the friend zone. You have no right to be all wounded about the lack of warning. It was there in her mood, and you missed it. Your rationale for not moving in together makes not one shred of sense. By that logic, none of us should ever leave our house or get involved with anyone.

How do you manage to have an apartment but no job?

Another thing: Don't listen to pithy advice from friends.

I stilll have some things at her house, should I wait till she calls me to go pick them up or should I just send her a letter telling her I want the rest of my stuff and I am over the relationship.
Be assertive. Let her know that you will reclaim your stuff at such-and-such date/time, then follow through without hugs and kisses goodbye. It's over.

I just saw Joy's post, written while I wrote mine. Hmmmmm... Joy is one of my favorites. She may be right. Joy said, "YOU be the strong one on this. Be a friend but don't get involved again." Can you do that?

I don't think being friends is a good idea, I have thought about it and she will just use me to tell me her problems like a psychologist, I did that during the relationship and I comforted her in hard times, but now that she got better she dumped me and I have to make my life better on my own.

I am 44 and going on 45 in September, she is 46 now. Maybe the age difference did not help either. I am making a career change and I have to take care of my health, body and soul. I have my own problems, and I could not fix her problems because they were too many.

Her brother accused me of making her lose the baby saying I was too negative around her, but in reality it was the age and we were both in the same boat, plus she was on anti depressants and pre-menopause kicking in and other sex drive problems which drove me nutts and I don't know how I stayed with her all these years, thinking things could get better, maybe I was too optimistic.

5 years and no commitment, or plan, yeah I would say you would never be ready to take a risk, but you got the milk for free without buying the cow. You should have ended this 3 years ago, and saved you both the confusion, and misery. Bottom line you tried but it didn't work so you get your stuff ASAP, and hopefully you both can move your lives to a better place without each other.

I don't see you as friends, way to many issues and baggage, which neither of you could resolve, but it seems she was ready to take a risk but you were not, so this 5 year free sex thing should be left to memory. Obviously you cannot build a life that you both enjoy, and that my friend is what it's all about.

Cut your losses.

Hi Joy, The other reason I could not move is my parents are getting old and they need my help, that's why I wanted her to move here with me, they own an apartment complex and I do the maintenance, painting, repairs etc... I forgot to mention there was not much work in her area since she lives in a small town of about 5000 population. In order for me to move in with her I had to look for a new job in a different career. She wasn't working either and I had a feeling she wanted to stay home and send me to work to pay her mortgage, pet bills, car payments etc... I did not feel motivated because mainly our sex life was dull since she had a very low libido, she was always down and tired, complained a lot and last months very distant, cold, evasive and not herself. To top it off I became diabetic type 1 when we started dating 5 years ago, so I had to adapt to the new diet and had to make big changes in lifestyle and habits. I could not go do all the sports activities with her mainly because my blood sugar could drop and I could go hypo, so I had to monitor my sugar frequently in order to do physical activities. She probably saw this as big problem too because she had gained lots of weight after losing the baby, and now she was on a mission to lose the extra weight and she was exercising a lot!As you can see there were many things that we could not agree on.

OK, I feel for both of you. More for her because of her age and the lost baby. She didn't lose the baby because of you though - she lost it because of her AGE!

PS: I KNOW I wrote 'pithy advice.' Someone changed it to 'pity advice.' I changed it back.

Thanks for the tip Tal,

The way I see it, it was a good lesson in life and I learned a lot from this relationship, I made a mistake of not keeping her interest level high enough by getting too comfortable with her and forgetting about myself and my purpose in life. I was too available for her and talked and texted over phone too much. I lost my confidence, my self esteem and my self respect and I regret I did not act sooner and end it before she did.

With time when she started to change, I became a little jealous and she picked it up and called me insecure. I always trusted her in the relationship except in the end when she started to lie and disrespect me and telling some secrets I told her to her family. I lost trust in her.

This broken relationship will make me stronger for any future relationship.
I will not repeat the same mistakes ever again.

The life lesson to learn is be accountable for your own inadequacies, issues, and not put all the blame on your ex-partner. After all this flawed human put up with your crap for 5 years too, so it could not have been all that bad from either of you.

It takes two to succeed, and TWO to fail. Whose to say that if one of you is perfect the outcome wouldn't be the same?


I regret I did not act sooner and end it before she did.


Lose that notion. Why regret getting dumped?

I forgot to mention we also have a dog we got together 3 years ago. She tried to get me emotional by sending me pics of our dog by text. In 5 days I will be 30 days of NC.

''...I had a feeling she wanted to stay home and send me to work to pay her mortgage, pet bills....''

Enough! You aren't right for each other. Our dog was her dog yesterday. You got the dog together, but weren't even living together! Then when she is the one with the dog all the time, paying for food and vets and so on, how is it that now you have a dog together?

And 'you had a feeling about what she wanted,' but you never talked about it. Why not?

Sadly, many of your differences were solvable if you had just sat down and really talked logistics. Money, housing, work, sharing chores, how much sex... sounds too mundane and unromantic? 'Where is our relationship going' progress reports would have freed you for a more romantic life.

Do you remember what was the big reason you were dumped in April 2009? Money. You had no job then.
Does this give you any ideas about money? Stop dating women who expect you to foot the bills. They are often the best looking, best dressed, most entitled, but not always.
Start thinking about some of the nuts and bolts of relationships. Put it all together. Get wise.

You are absolutely right, unfortunately I always end up with these type of women, who want me to pay the bills.

For the dog I paid half of the bill and I was paying the dog food too. And I raised it when it was a puppy. Now she is keeping the dog and playing with my feelings cause she knows I love the dog too.

Interesting that you haven't demanded equal shared custody of the dog... from what you say, you are entitled to it.

Consider it over, work on fixing your own problems, and let her wallow in her own.

You will get over the GF and the dog. Someday. In the meantime don't wallow in your own misery, easier said than done, but be patient, it's not supposed to be easy replacing a GF AND a dog, OR healing from a 5 year relationship.

It's going to take a while, and will seem like a long while if done properly. You may have to block this one, if you can't handle the heat. Do what you have to do, but put you first.

I would like to see our dog again, but I don't want her to think it's an excuse to try to get back together. I been doing no contact for a month now, last contact was a text message on her birthday.

I remember her telling me she was going through and 8 week training for home patient care, cause she is a nurse and returning to work after a 3 year absence due to depression. She probably really needs some space and time to figure out her life and career and she is going through some pre-menopause changes too.

So it's best I disappear from her life for a while. I got to focus on my life now and my purpose. What do I want out of life? Do I want to be a slave in a bad relationship or do I want to be a confident leader in an awesome relationship.

Slave or leader? Those are the choices?
Perhaps you need to take some time to think about what relationships are too.

You know very well what I mean, women don't like men who don't lead. They want a confident guy who knows where he's going and takes the lead in the relationship.

I don't mean bossy or controlling. More like, If she asks ''what are we doing today?'' and the guy always says , I don't know what do you feel like doing?

That's not good... I admit I became like that at the final stages because I lost motivation to come up with ideas for us to do and I felt we were just heading in different directions...

She was just focused on losing weight and doing all kinds of physical activities, while I was focused on other stuff since I am not overweight, I am a slim guy and did not feel the need to go jogging or training with her.

I wanted to participate to encourage her, but I have a diabetes type 1 condition since 2012 and I could go very low in blood sugar if I followed her pace.
She would get irritated and call me lazy and judt did not understand my condition. I find she lacked empathy for me and all she cared was for satisfying her needs, taking care of her pets and venting all her problems to me like if I was her shrink.

I was there for her when she was down and depressed and jobless and I never abandoned her. I cheered her up and always encouraged her. In the end she could not do the same for me and bailed out on me.

No, actually I didn't know what you meant. Even though I'm 70 and have had my share of relationship failures, none were because of not knowing what to do.
Most of us have to/had to work, so work kept us busy.
The man who was in my life the longest was a workaholic, so I had problems filling my time without him, even when I was working too, so perhaps that is similar.
Most of us have problems with relationships sooner or later, or both!
I just thought you sounded very 'either/or' about it. And I don't agree that 'women don't like men who don't lead.' You can say some or even many, but you can't generalize!
Want me to generalize about all men? It's tempting.

Disappear from her life forever... work on your faults, make yourself a better person.. then find someone new.

Don't tell me you never got some of the hidden meaning on the Humpty Dumpty story?

Many things once really, really broken can't be fixed and even those that are, are never what they once were ever again. Few years from now you will see that was the best thing you ever did... if you do it.

You want to build a life that you enjoy with friends, family, and activities that make you happy. Then you will attract those that want to share your happiness with you. Then you can make smart choices and decisions on who YOU want to share your life and time with.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 - 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

The options for fun, and romance are ENDLESS!

tal - LOL. I thought you've been happily married for a gazillion years.

I was happily single in a past life.

8D

Thanks for the advice everyone it's appreciated, I am on 1 month of no contact today and I am doing much better, I have started talking to other women on a dating site, and I am accepting that the relationship was not healthy and she broke my trust and lied to me and that is like shattered glass and can't ever be repaired or be like it was again.

I am moving on to a new life without her and I am focusing on myself and improving many aspects of my life. I am appreciating being alone and free again and enjoying reading and writing and lifting weights. I am going to get a new bike and start cycling too. I will try to find an active woman who wants to jog and do outdoor activities with me.

It gets difficult on week ends because I used to pack my bags and go meet her at her house every Friday. So I have to find a way to break the habit of thinking about that on Friday afternoons. I will try to find something to keep me busy and not fall into that trap anymore.

After doing some research online I found a website with content about 21 reasons your ex dumped you, I swear I could identify many of them, I realised I made a lot of mistakes and she lost attraction because of my mistakes, but I am human and I learned my lesson. Some people even asked me how did you guys last 5 years in a long distance ? So I have accepted it as a learning experience and will serve me to improve myself and make the next one a lot better.

Thanks for reporting, and glad for your success.

My pleasure, I will update you guys when I decide to go get all my stuff back, which I am thinking of doing in maybe 15 days from today. Since we still need some no contact to continue progress, and by breaking it too soon it might ruin all the positive healing done so far.

Since we still need some no contact to continue progress, and by breaking it too soon it might ruin all the positive healing done so far.


Just can't get your stuff and disappear can you? Naw, just got to drag the misery out some more! Yes by all means update us how that works for you please. I doubt your healing progresses significantly further in 15 days, but maybe your balls aren't as sore.

I just don't want to ruin the progress I made, and talking to her or seeing her too soon might make me get depressed again, it's just a risk I am not willing to take right now.

She wanted a break and space and I am giving it to her. Yesterday I got a call from the dentist where we both go, and the secretary asked me if I know where my ex is because she was not answering her phone.

I said no, no idea we are not together anymore and I have not heard from her since her birthday a month ago...

So that was not a call I was expecting yesterday.

I can wait a few weeks to get my stuff it's not an emergency, but I know what you mean, get your stuff and get it off your mind for good, I know...

I just need a few weeks more to be sure 100% I have moved on, If I go too soon I might ruin my chances with this new girl I am chatting with. I want to go back get my stuff with full confidence, and not caring anymore about her, completely moved on... I will be like a robot with no feelings.

All right guys I have an update, my aunt called my ex today and they spoke, apparently she was expecting me to call her? She is wondering why I haven't called...

Why is she expecting my call if she is the one who asked for space and needed a break?
I won't call her. I told my aunt to give her the message that she is the one who has to call if she wants a reconciliation, I am not accepting anything less.

Whether she calls or not I have been doing good with no contact and I know I will get my stuff back without breaking NC.

Why even CONSIDER reconciliation? ( hard to tell by how you quoted it) Seriously, you know this whole thing is just going to happen again. Particularly at her age, this is how she is. People are creatures of habit... it takes a LOT for people to break habits. Ever try to break a bad habit you've had? See the point.

But stand your ground... you see you can get by without her, a while longer you are going to wonder why you stuck around as long as you did.

DO continue to work on yourself absent the distractions. It will only be good for you down the road.

Why would your Aunt get involved in your relationship? I don't get that at all. That's not in good taste. Not much good can come from an outsider getting involved in your relationship. Control your own destiny. Maybe it's time to shut the door on this chapter in your life and kick open a new door for the next chapter. Only you control that.

Oh Boy, here we go..


All right guys I have an update, my aunt called my ex today and they spoke, apparently she was expecting me to call her? She is wondering why I haven't called...

Why did your aunt call your ex?


Why is she expecting my call if she is the one who asked for space and needed a break?
I won't call her. I told my aunt to give her the message that she is the one who has to call if she wants a reconciliation, I am not accepting anything less.

Why are you involving your aunt and passing messages back and forth through a third party to your ex?


Whether she calls or not I have been doing good with no contact and I know I will get my stuff back without breaking NC.

Hate to tell you this but NC has been BROKEN, and for the life of me I cannot understand why you just didn't tell your aunt to stay out of your business, and leave your ex alone. What is there to reconcile? Let me guess, Your aunt will get your stuff for you!

This is fast becoming a silly drama.

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped you thank them for the great time, get your stuff, and disappear.

Get real! After all that crap you b1tched about her you expect a reconciliation on your terms? From her view (MY VIEW), you were mooching off her for 5 friggin' years. Sorry the sex wasn't that good for you, but maybe the cow got tired of you getting free milk! ​

If it was due to money, that she had left you, I would suggest, you for TOTAL BREAK, atleast for the time being, and forget her.... the time is not only a great healer but also problem solver and if she loves you, from the heart of her heart, she would definitely come back. She would herself contact you.

I have no expectations, I just did not want to drive there myself and get my stuff because it's an hour away and I don't want to see her.

I don't want to remember that day when she took all my stuff and threw them like garbage and broke up like I was a criminal

I have done progress in 2 months and I don't want to risk falling back down. My aunt offered to help me and I accepted, I did not ask her or force her.

She knew her because she was invited a few times there for dinner so that's why she is doing this.

Whatever happens happens, I don't expect anything, just want my stuff back.

Update, I got all my stuff back, except for 1 item, she spoke with my aunt, apparently all her family was there, she told my aunt it is over and she had moved on.

She also told her she will call me by the end of this week cause she wants some of her stuff back. Should I answer the phone or if she texts me or do I continue no contact?

I am glad I did no contact because I knew she was going to say something like in the lines of ''it's over''. I did not let her string me along into the friend zone.
Like Tatla said, it was due to money, she wanted money because she wasn't earning enough and had financial problems.

I will just forget this failed relationship and learn from it.

Why didn't you just give her stuff to your aunt to give to her? I think you're doing this kind of stuff on purpose because you are a selfish emo drama queen.

That's sad!

She didn't ask for her stuff when they spoke 3 days earlier, or else I would have gave them to her.I don't need drama, I want to close this chapter for good and move on.I have nothing good to expect from this woman.nothing.I am dating other women and doing fine.

I agree with Tal.. just give her stuff to your Aunt.. let your aunt give it to her... quicker closure on your part... none of her junk at your place... so out of sight.. out of mind.

Just pointing out, in an admittedly harsh way, that had you been serious and proactive in your No Contact, HEAL, and move on conviction, you would have made a clean cut of it by giving her stuff back by your aunt when she picked up your stuff, whether she asked for it or not.

Good luck with your rebounds, have fun, obviously you left the relationship way before you got dumped so why you are so shocked she packed up your stuff, was a bit emo on your part, that's why I suspect when the going gets tough you resort to dramatics. Another example that sealed it for me was getting your aunt between you and the ex(?). Even if she volunteered for the task you were eager and grateful to pass your responsibilities to someone else.

Just realize that this relationship failed because of BOTH of you EQUALLY.

I knew it was over before the dump day because she was taking cymbalta for 2 or 3 years and she was never herself again, and was always negative and only saw the negatives in our relationship, she was not able to see the good things we had together.

I blame this breakup on anti-depressants which changed her personality and behaviour and she was never able to be her old self again.

Alrighty so close this chapter and start moving towards the new one. Stop dwelling on something that is over and not coming back. Move your life forward.

Just a little update,

She blocked me on Facebook, I figure it's because she saw me post some pics of me doing fine and I did some long distance cycling and posted stats with runkeeper.

I joined a few dating sites and one is a dating site for sports. I met this girl who has also broken up 3 months ago and she seems very interesting.

I am glad I did not break No contact rule and I am keeping my word when I told her I would disappear from her life. Her blocking me on Facebook just gives me one more reason to forget about her as she is a selfish immature brat. I never asked for a friend request or message her, I never harassed her or stalked her. I never called her even if she told my aunt that she was expecting my call... She wanted the break and wanted space, how can she even say she was expecting my call? Does she think she is royalty ? She thinks she is Kate Middleton, when we broke up she said, maybe we will get back together like Kate and William. She is crazy lol.