We are boh mature and 46, and have been together for just over two years. Our first years was very good, real closeness and intimacy but she is tendelly very insecure and seemed to have an obsession with past relationships despite I do not go out without her, or to pubs or clubs with my mates.
Until went more or less well until lst November when I became exasperated by her unfunded obsession and I asked for a short break up then we came back together. The same happened in January when I suggested that we spend few months apart before trying again and we were almost a month apart before we both missed each other too much. During the months of February and March I noticed her getting cold with me.
In April the great surprise. She sent me a text out of the blue saying that she needed time apart that on her own. She caught me surprise, although I noticed that things were not smoother as before she had never express such concerns to end the relationship. We then clarified again and she asked me to make some changes, She checked all my Facebook friendshps, asked me to delete some old contacts despite I explained that I do not really use facebbok.
I made all the changes she asked me and from end of May to mid July she told me that she was very happy of my efforts then suddenly one day (one month agao') she begun to pick up on me on the smallest things and found an excuse that she was upset because I was washing my hands in the kitchen (and not in the bathroom) and told me to get out of her house. I was shoked. Later on I asked some logical explanations but she gave me none.
Two and half weeks later (last week) she told that she wanted to talk to me, we spent a day together doing some DYE in her flat and had with dinner but we did not talk. We hugged and kissed each other and I had the strong feeling that she still likes me and wants me (but she did not want to spend the night together) but before I left she told me that she did not want to be contacted by calling or tetxs and the she would contact me whenever. I suggested we can only try again with some serious counseling for couples and sent her some options.
She called me briefly a couple of times during her work's lunchbreaks few days ago' saying that she also would do some research and check out my counseling options.
Then never had news from her since.
I found difficult to accept that I am left still without explanations almost one month after she told me to get out of her house..
I am left in a clueless limbo because she has hidden herself and her truth behind a wall of silence, how can silence help us and help me to understand where all it went wrong?
How can silence benefit any of us, including her?
Why a mayure woman disappear in silence when I have never disrespected her and I have always been loyal and caring?
I have been reading about the push and pull behaviour and also bipolar disorder and she seems to have quite few traits. But how to tell her?
I don't know what else to think.
I am really hurt but even more very confused by the silence and by the lack of logical explanations behind the break up.
Can any friend give me some opinions? What would you do?

'I have always been loyal and caring?'
Not really. You took two breaks that YOU instigated, and even said they should be 'a few months,' regardless of the fact that they were less.
Just because she pulls away differently and just because it hurts you when it's happening to you doesn't make her bipolar or anything neurotic. Maybe she's found someone else, or maybe she is just tired of it all, and no longer in love, or maybe she realizes that she is too jealous and can't handle it.
When a relationship fails, you can certainly blame it on the other person's shortcomings (why not, it helps you get over it), or you can say that it wasn't a good match, and you had your problems too, and you have learned a few things for next time.

Sounds like she wanted a break and went to find reasons, tried to get you to leave, to make it "your fault" sounds very common behavior.

Has anyone been in a similar story where the relationship end up without a real explanation and you don't know exactly why?


'I have always been loyal and caring?'
Not really. You took two breaks that YOU instigated, and even said they should be 'a few months,' regardless of the fact that they were less.
Just because she pulls away differently and just because it hurts you when it's happening to you doesn't make her bipolar or anything neurotic. Maybe she's found someone else, or maybe she is just tired of it all, and no longer in love, or maybe she realizes that she is too jealous and can't handle it.
When a relationship fails, you can certainly blame it on the other person's shortcomings (why not, it helps you get over it), or you can say that it wasn't a good match, and you had your problems too, and you have learned a few things for next time.

Thank you for your opinion. Of course you are right, there are always faults from both sides. I did cause the previous break up because she put me under pressure with all sort of accusations (such for example that I was still emotionally attached to the previous girlfriend before her) but I assure you that I have never doubted my feeling for her for one moment against any other woman. I had and have only her in mind at all times.

The reasons for the previous break up were the strong obsession she had for my ex-relationships despite I have never given her any reason to be jealous and my frustration after more than one year of attempts to reassure her that she had nothing to be concerned or worried about. For long trime I tried with calm and patience but then no explanations seemed to work against her insecurity.

I suppose that if someone is continually accused for something he or she doesn't do can get very difficult at some point. I tried everything to reassure her that I had no baggage or any sort of attachment to any of my previous relationships but nothing seems to work.

Then why telling me that she was heppy of my changes in the last two months (never a quarrel or complaint) and suddenly telling me 'get out of my house' and break up without an explanation?

Would you think that the complete lack of expalanation and silence can be really harsh for the other person as if the other person does not have feelings?

Few sincere words with the real reasons of what it has not worked would help me and (maybe her as well) to move on peacefully and with dignity for both of us.

Don't you think so? The silence is simply destructive for the other side.

Of course it would be nice if she had been nice about it, and explained, and so on, but that just doesn't happen very often.
You have expectations that you need to drop. We can't expect much (if anything) from anyone except ourselves. If you are married and have the responsibility of children, then it's reasonable to 'expect' certain things. But even then there are no promises, no guarantees, nothing.
You also need to drop the idea that just because you have a 'good' reason for the TWO (not 1) breaks you took from her, that means they don't count when you are claiming to be always loyal.

Of course it would be nice if she had been nice about it, and explained, and so on, but that just doesn't happen very often.
You have expectations that you need to drop. We can't expect much (if anything) from anyone except ourselves. If you are married and have the responsibility of children, then it's reasonable to 'expect' certain things. But even then there are no promises, no guarantees, nothing.
You also need to drop the idea that just because you have a 'good' reason for the TWO (not 1) breaks you took from her, that means they don't count when you are claiming to be always loyal.

3rd August 2013 -
I can't stop loving her without any sort of logical explanation of why it seems all finished.
Four weeks ago she sent me a message the filled my soul with joy “I am thinking of you, I love you”.
I was happy and proud that all the efforts I put since we came back were being appreciated by her and producing good results and vibes between us.
Nothing much that I am aware of happened between her nice message and the silly quarrel we had in her kitchen when suddenly she told me 'get out of my house'.
The evening before we were peaceful.

Now her chosen road is retreating and hiding behind her wall of silence.
So I can't make sense of what happened and is happening now between us.
Is silence the best road to take right now?
Is it fair on the receiving person?
How is possible that she don't see that silence can be so hurtful when all it was necessary from her is few frank words of what hasn't worked for us?

Then why telling me that she was happy of my changes in the last two months (never a quarrel or complaint) and then suddenly 3 weeks ago' telling me 'get out of my house' and break up without an explanation?

Was a quarrel so important to make it all end like this?

Would she consider that a complete lack of explanation and silence can be really harsh?

No matter how much I tried to find any mistake or act of disrespect from me as I am sure I have been, genuine, respectful and loyal at any time and so I can't find a precise meaning for her silence or maybe I can find 1000 reasons?

Who knows what there is behind her wall of silence?!

Almost a month after our quarrel in her flat and still she has not given even few words of explanation and basically, I still don't know why we split up.

This lack of logical reasons is very difficult to take in.

I can't find a positive meaning and a value for her silence as she is preferring to keep the truth for herself as if the other person does not exist, was no affected by her choice or does not have feelings

Can't she see that she is hurting unnecessarily someone who loves and respect her?

Why hiding the truth it from the very person who loves you?

Why not have the courage to say the few true words and say what need to be told?

How silence is meant to help us or the other person to undertstand why a two year story between a mature man and woman is ended like this?

How can silence be better than dialogue?

Silence has pushed me in a clueless limbo where I have no idea why the woman I know is doing this, I have no idea of what is going on with her, with us and no clear idea why we reached this stage so I can't make sense of what's going on.

Few sincere words with the real reasons of what it has not worked would help me and (maybe her as well) to move on peacefully with respect and with dignity for both of us.

Am I really asking too much?

~ I can't stop loving you ~

~ I wish you happiness and peace now and forever wherever the road of your life may take you. ~

~ I will never hate you as I was born to love you. ~

These are all either:
- rhetorical questions
- questions to ask her, which you can't do now, because she won't let you, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

I would make a wild guess that she is torn so she feels that it is best to make a clean break. You do have a tendency to think in terms of yourself. You love her, so therefore she should love you, drop her neurotic insecurities about past relationships, and come back to you when you 'take breaks' because she's too neurotic or bipolar for you? That's sort of 'I love you but you have to act according to my terms of what is normal.'
And if she can't love you anymore, she owes you an explanation?
You sort of plod along with this logic, despite the fact that life doesn't happen the way you want, and doesn't follow rules.

LOVE is neither LOGICAL nor FAIR.

... These are all either:
- rhetorical questions
- questions to ask her, which you can't do now, because she won't let you, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

I would make a wild guess that she is torn so she feels that it is best to make a clean break. You do have a tendency to think in terms of yourself.
***No idea of why you think so but I accept your comment.

You love her, so therefore she should love you, drop her neurotic insecurities about past relationships, and come back to you when you 'take breaks' because she's too neurotic or bipolar for you?
*** well... maybe I should explain better the accusations she was able to invent and throw over me before to give you an idea... I assure you that I did not like the idea of leaving for breaks and I did not do it lightly but only when my health was beginning to be affected by her obsession... I did not do it happily if you understand what I mean...

That's sort of 'I love you but you have to act according to my terms of what is normal.' And if she can't love you anymore, she owes you an explanation?

***well, if you really love someone you should try always to be frank especially at the end, for yourself and for the other person, so my hart tells me it is right

You sort of plod along with this logic, despite the fact that life doesn't happen the way you want, and doesn't follow rules. LOVE is neither LOGICAL nor FAIR...

****I cannot agree more, life is a beautiful challenge and love is neither logical or fair, true true, words of wisdom...

... am I still stupid and crazy to love her?

Of course you are stupid and crazy, that's why all the songs say 'I'm a fool for love.'
You are no different from anyone else, basically, just with variations. As we all are.
I've been through the gut wrenching pain, the blow to the stomach, the elephant standing on my chest so I can't breathe. The end of the world, the end of love, the end of life. The endless sleeplessness, the endless endlessness. Who hasn't?
We get dumped without rhyme or reason. We want reason. We want a rational world.
The human animal struggles to be rational, but is still ruled by the same adrenaline and testosterone and estrogen and so on that got him through a short existence as a proto-human.

Just noticed your two responses to others in similar situations!
GREAT answers. I gave you a greenie. Could only give one because they are limited by the site.

Of course you are stupid and crazy, that's why all the songs say 'I'm a fool for love.'
You are no different from anyone else, basically, just with variations. As we all are.
I've been through the gut wrenching pain, the blow to the stomach, the elephant standing on my chest so I can't breathe. The end of the world, the end of love, the end of life. The endless sleeplessness, the endless endlessness. Who hasn't?
We get dumped without rhyme or reason. We want reason. We want a rational world.
The human animal struggles to be rational, but is still ruled by the same adrenaline and testosterone and estrogen and so on that got him through a short existence as a proto-human.

Cool comment... I may begin eating tons of celery to increase my testosterone pheromons in case we (me and her) meet to talk then... a nature trick or so they say...

Jokes apart I respect her silence even if if it hurt as want her to have space to try to clear her mind... without my calls or texts... just try to use wisdom and not resentment... an inner battle within myself that I want to win using wisdom as much as I can... and I want to learn from this life experience... whatever it may be...


Just noticed your two responses to others in similar situations!
GREAT answers. I gave you a greenie. Could only give one because they are limited by the site.

Thank you dear friend,

I appreciate your frankness, a rare skill today

Today was a big battle for me... I tried to cheer myself up in any way, went to see a good old friend, ride my motorbike in the summertime, went on for a 15 miles pedalling hard on bicycle along the river with my friend... got a nice ice-cream... and then ride back home... so her flat from the road while driving... never talked bad about her... my friend knows I still have many feelings for her... so done mi best to be cheerful... not always succeeded as she came often in my mind and I still love her so much but life goes on and I must accept her silence, have compassion of her and myself and move on gracefully, if we are meant to be together then we will be back and again time will tell...

My sadness is great like my sorrow and I miss her so much.

But I am determined to stay strong

I will stay in silence and will not text or call her and I am determined to learn whatever I must learn from this story

I wish she can also think clear and see what she is doing and learn from it

I only wish her happiness and I hope that whatever will happen to us I pray for the happiness of both of us

It's OK - healthy even - to be hurt and angry.
Don't wish her too much happiness or the sadness will turn into depression.
Your friends are supposed to say 'How could she be so mean?' and 'You deserve better' and so on, just to get you past the worst part of the hurt.

It's OK - healthy even - to be hurt and angry.
Don't wish her too much happiness or the sadness will turn into depression.
Your friends are supposed to say 'How could she be so mean?' and 'You deserve better' and so on, just to get you past the worst part of the hurt.

Thank you for your kind response,

I am certainly hurt but I am eradicating any anger to respect her and feel compassion for her as a person, as a woman and not only as ex-boyfriend and lover.

I only sent her positive vibes and love while I focus on my daily life and challenges

I wish her to be happy with or without me, it makes me feel better and clean in my feelings,

I feel like Forrest Gump, his love was pure and never ended despite what happened to him he stayed loyal to his feelings

Another hard day.

The sunset time and the evening are the worst moments in which I feel restless and I really miss her to bits.

Right now I am just wishing her happiness and mine regardless.

I still keep my silence, no calls no texts as she asked me to. I keep on respecting her request to leave her time to think with no pressures from me.

I keep on changing idea on what to do.

This evening I (maybe) decided that I will keep my silence for another week or so and then ask for a short meet up for a honest and respectful closure of our 2 years story.

But does it mean that she wants me to initiate the contact and chase her?

Should I just leave her alone now? Has she moved on?

If she's moving on, why did she say we should meet up and talk and why allowing me to kiss and hug her?

It's like she's giving me hope that we will meet up and be together again. But at the same time she's avoiding me now.

Is this one a mind game? I'm really lost & confused.

Please give me your views guys and girls

Thank you.

Leave her alone. No Contact.

Leave her alone. No Contact.


Thank you for your opinion Wondergirl and advise.

I understand that in some cases time alone and apart can make a person to think better to what's going on for themselves and the relationship.

But for me is different different as I am unable to make sense of why suddenly we are apart and why we are not talking as I have no idea of why we split up because she gave me no clues that she was unhappy since when we came back together 3 months ago' in May and after our break up 10 days ago' she did not give me any logical reason for the time apart othe than saying 'how can we see if miss someone if we do not spend time apart?'.

On contrary she gave me good feedback and she said more than one time that she was very happy with the changes since we came back and then the sudden quarrel and break up without any explanation.

Don't you think that any person owes at least few honest words from the one who wants to stop a two years serious relationship to explain why it didn't or it doesn't work?

This is what makes me unable to review any possible mistakes I may have done and all the other 'mixed signals' (she still kissing and hugging me until a week ago') make me very very confused.

Only she knows why we are in this situation and this is hurting very much.

At the moment I am keeping nice and silent with 'no contact' as she ask me. She said she would call me and so I wait calmly.

Have you or anyone been is a similar situation before where the relationship ended and you do not have a clear idea of why because the person who left gave no real explanations?

Have you or anyone been is a similar situation before where the relationship ended and you do not have a clear idea of why because the person who left gave no real explanations?
Yup, several times (one relationship had lasted nearly six years). I never got closure (as you call it), but by maintaining no contact, I allowed myself to move ahead with my life and not spin my wheels, waiting for some glorious reunion to occur. Also, I refused to be a yo-yo, bouncing back and forth into and out of some imaginary relationship with the ex who was doing the same thing to his new girlfriend.

What you did wrong was hit your head against a brick wall, (a break, twice), and then expect the third break, to change your situation with her. How many times does one have to hit their head against a brick wall, to know that the fourth time is going to be the same as the others.

There was nothing changing between any of those breaks, of significance.

Time together heals conflicts, not apart.

What you did right was suggest couples counseling (and backed it up with solid information).

I think it is in your best interest to buy a bottle of aspirin, and, accept that the pain of this relationship, is over.

When you set your mind to realizing that the relationship is over, then the ping pong of repeated attempts to reconcile will be over, and you can move on with your life.

Move on. She had her reasons and felt it easier to just leave. Trying to figure things out -especially why someone did what they did will drive you insane

Yup, several times (one relationship had lasted nearly six years). I never got closure (as you call it), but by maintaining no contact, I allowed myself to move ahead with my life and not spin my wheels, waiting for some glorious reunion to occur. Also, I refused to be a yo-yo, bouncing back and forth into and out of some imaginary relationship with the ex who was doing the same thing to his new girlfriend.

Yes, the closure can be very important and not only for the one who is left but, in long term, also for the one who leaves without a word...

... one day they will inevitably experience the same (karma) and they will be forced to acknowledge how much they hurt someone else' feelings... if they will learn to change and behave better and frankly they can only feel better about themselves too so everybody gains from learning...

It was good you refused to be in competition and be a yo-yo, it's also a matter of dignity and respect (self-respect I mean)

Any one else has been in the same situation?

Any other story of a break up without words, explanation or understanding of why it really finished with your girlfriend or boyfriend?

Move on. She had her reasons and felt it easier to just leave. Trying to figure things out -especially why someone did what they did will drive you insane

Well, given that last Sunday I was still kissing and hugging her and she seemed to like it and given we have been together seriously for two years (plan for children, moving abroad etc etc) and given that in the since last November I took her back twice and she also took me back twice maybe it is worth to be patient and let her some time alone as she asked me

She said she is keen on having couple therapy so why leaving this chance without giving a go (if it happens)?

I know it is not going to happen easily but after all, I also have more time focus on my feelings and life so I am slowly regaining my balance and focus

Someone may consider this attitude as 'weak' while someone else may say it's wiser.

If it is meant not to happen or vice-versa, time will tell the truth... I will let you know how it goes...

Just saying lingering on to wean off isn't always the best.

Just saying lingering on to wean off isnt always the best.

No doubt, that's 100% agreed, no any form of dependence, happiness should never depend from anyone else than from ourselves, so you are right

... a surprise call from her today after work, 1 hour on the phone, we agreed on several things (among which yes on couple counselling) but again some sort of 'mixed signals' she still prefers no calls or texts from me, I told her calmly I see what she says but I believe that total silence is maybe not the best way to rebuild and that in my view we should be in touch to restart some sort of dialogue and closeness

Counseling may or may not help the relationship but ultimately it's still both of us that must work hard to make it work...

Also it may take weeks or months before we can find the right counselling and having a no contact rule at all until then is maybe strange and hard if we have to start afresh...



... also it look like that she consider herself the one in charge to call me while I can't do the same...

I stayed calm and I told her that 'I do miss her much' but I will respect her view and I will not call her and text her as she asked me to

The final 'mixed' signal was the most negative one, when I told her that I am very confused because I have no idea of why she really wanted to split up, she become quite (very upset) - told her calmly that I am genuine when I say I have not understood given her positive reactions, clues and feedback until the day we had a quarrel 3 weeks ago'... she went in anger and begun to talk with anger so... at the end...

... so after 1 hour on the phone suddenly the line got interrupted [or so I thought] but when I tried to call her back she did not answer and I understood that in reality she had suddenly hung up the phone... (*%!@*)... women... dam... dam...

I am not a mind reader or a fortune teller, if she does not want to reveal 'why' she split up and I have no idea of 'why' how can any progress happen between us? Is it so difficult to speak out and say what the hell is troubling her??

I will keep on sending her happiness, and in the meantime focus peacefully on my life, if she does not want me to call and she is fine with it I will be equally fine with her not calling me if is this that she wants

I was glad I stayed very calm at all times and I was frank while keeping my dignity and this is what matters to me the most right now

I am becoming to consider seriously if coming back together is (or not) the best for us... so I am thankful in a way of her unnecessary anger attack...

I am becoming to consider seriously if coming back together is (or not) the best for us.......so I am thankful in a way of her unnecessary anger attack.....
Now what? You're going to continue to dance to whatever music she plays?

A girl once told me that her boyfriend kicked her naked down their long front yard drive way. She told me 'now that's true love for me to stick by my man'. How many hopes are you going to follow after? IF she is serious and gets the 2 of you a counselor or goes if you find one then great but it has been seeming to me there is something about you that she lost interest in and she feels its pointless to get into with you. Probably why she jumped at the counselor idea, but nayed the texting stuff.

Now what? You're going to continue to dance to whatever music she plays?

What will I do?

So simply... I will not be waiting for her calls nor I will call or text her as she asked me to do...

These past days of calm reflection gave me the opportunity to decide to mark boundary for my own good

I have marked within myself the important boundary for me and my dignity and this is what matters to me the most right now

I came to conclusion that after all It takes 2 people to create the relationship we have now or may or may not have in the future. This process cannot be just one sided. At this point we both have to want to make it better for there to be a future.

There is a risk and a potential good side effect in keeping the new boundary I decided to build and maintain.

The risk is that if someone new comes along and he seems the perfect man because right now she is only concentrating on the bad elements of the relationship we have. So if we breakup and she is faced with just the reality of a new 'entry', she will start to remember the positive and good bits of our story she had with me (potential good side effect)


Well as I said before that I will keep on sending her happiness, and in the meantime focus peacefully on my life, if she does not want me to call and she is fine with it I will be equally fine with her not calling me if is this that she wants


A girl once told me that her boyfriend kicked her naked down their long front yard drive way. She told me 'now thats true love for me to stick by my man'. How many hopes are you going to follow after? IF she is serious and gets the 2 of you a counselor or goes if you find one then great but it has been seeming to me there is something about you that she lost interest in and she feels its pointless to get into with you. Probably why she jumped at the counselor idea, but nayed the texting stuff.


Thank you for your view on us.

I really appreciate your comments and opinions.

The idea of the counseling came from me as I suspects that she may (or may not) have traits of BPD. I have been reading a lot and I came to conclusion that that there is some serious chances that she may be bipolar but I am not the expert so I suggested counseling 'to see if any of us or both may be affected', I could not find a better way to tell her without upsetting her and she liked the idea or so she said... I told her the first time about the BPD last April when she left me all of sudden with a text message in morning of few words 'I think I need time on my own' and no explanations for one month...

I am very intrigued when you say that you have the feeling that there is something about me that she lost interest in and she feel its pointless to get into with me.

What exactly made you think so? Anything in particular?

What did you mean by 'nayed the texting stuff'?

It's a strange day after the last few hours of reflection

I feel much better since I decided to mark a strong boundary for my own dignity and respect

I decided to break up with her as I am not happy in this situation that does not seem to change and goes in circle, it's just a beautiful utopia gone bad

My heart from now is a private road, no heavy load or collisions, no more stories that will make me ache

No more waiting

~ ~ O ~ ~

She doesn't know yet and given that she wishes no calls or texts from me I am not in any rush to let her know...

... one day, maybe tomorrow, or next week I will call her to return her last few things and in few minutes I will let her know that there is no more prince... or princess... the prince is flying away in search of new horizons and new routes in life...

... I will tell her that I am grateful nonetheless of the many beautiful moments she gave me... and that I wish her happiness now and forever... we are both free to fly away...

Since I decided I feel so much lighter and... free somehow... I am letting go

... of course there is loads of sadness, I am not a robot...

~ ~ O ~ ~

Farewell to you princess,

Wishing your true happiness, peace and love xxx

------------ * me...

------------ * me...
And a poet has been born!

And a poet has been born!

Ha ha ha, maybe I have a future as a bard... who knows?

I feel so much better since I decided...

Right now she thinks she knows I want her, have me totally under her control and play hard to get (kinda thing).

So who is going to give up before the other?

... well as I said I have already decided what to do...

... I am choosing the fist next sunny day (maybe this weekend) and ask for a short meeting talk with the excuse of bringing her stuff in my flat and I will tell her my decision to go on my way...

I will let you know how it goes

ha ha ha, maybe I have a future as a bard.....who knows?

I feel so much better since I decided....

Right now she thinks she knows I want her, have me totally under her control and play hard to get (kinda thing).

So who is going to give up before the other?

...well as I said I have already decided what to do.....

...I am choosing the fist next sunny day (maybe this weekend) and ask for a short meeting talk with the excuse of bringing her stuff in my flat and I will tell her my decision to go on my way....

I will let you know how it goes

... I have just texted her and told her that I want to pick up my things and bring her stuff over the next weekend, I suggested this Friday or Saturday asking if she can be there at that time

... I didn't tell her I will use the opportunity to have a brief chat with her about my decision (break up)...

Hopefully she will reply

Lets see...

I didn't tell her I will use the opportunity to have a brief chat with her about my decision (break up)....
BIG MISTAKE!! You STILL don't get it!

BIG MISTAKE!!!!!! You STILL don't get it!

... big mistake?

Why? What should I get?

That she is cold? Immature? Insanely jealous? Whatever it may be it is not my concern anymore

I have already decided to follow my way, to accept only what is fair and no degrading or abusive...

I am not happy of the relationship and I want to move on and be free...

... the rest of the telenovela will make you understand better my decision...

... she called me back 3 hours ago' asking me 'what do I need to pick up and give her?'

I told her very calmly and politely that 'I want to pick up my things and bring her stuff over the next weekend, I suggested this Friday or Saturday asking if she can be there at that time after work......'

... I didn't tell her my decision (break up)... but she must have sensed something somehow and said to me I don't know, Friday no good to her and Saturday she has plans so she was not sure either....

***I suggested Sunday then and she said she doesn't know either so I suggested that 10 minutes will do if she is busy....

***She ask me 'are you coming just for pick up your things and give me back mines?'

***I replied 'depend entirely on you...if you are busy I just pop in and go otherwise we can sit down and have a coffee and a chat if you want....'

***she replied increasingly shouting over the phone (while I stayed calm) that she will let me know on Friday evening and not before...... (SO I CANNOT PLAN MY TIME & WEEKEND BECAUSE I MUST WAIT FOR THE PRINCESS, HER GRACE TO DECIDE Whether SHE HAS 10 MINUTES FOR THIS POOR PEASANT RISKING THAT SHE CALLS ON FRIDAY EVE AND SAY, SORRY I AM BUSY THIS WEEKEND... "

***So I responded calmly that I also must plan my time and planning to see friends... and she become increasingly verbally aggressive... saying 'or so go and meet your friends then and don't come here.....you (me) fxuxcxkxixnxg cxuxnxt!

***... the last 60 seconds she spend shouting insults over the phone...

(O*@^X) what kind of abusive controlling person has she become??

***I think that she sensed the reason why I was going and found excuses she is busy say she is not available as was suspecting I finally break up (I am guessing here but may be wrong indeed... )

Aggressive because afraid to split up..? No idea... only she knows... and it will will stay with her when she will be met by my silence

What will I do now?.

No more waiting...

I move on even more resolutely...

she has lost me and she doesn't know yet from now on just silence from me

no replies if she text me
no call will be responded or returned
no explanations from me neither

if she has any regrets at all she will be forced to look back and find where she pushed away with the hammer a loyal and caring partner

... and I think this is the end of the story...

Any comment from women or men on the story above is welcomed

Thank you to all of you who read or posted their comments on our story

"coffee and chat"??

You find a third person. Leave her stuff with that person for her to pick up. She leaves your stuff with that person for you to pick up. The two of you do not meet or make eye contact or talk or have coffee and chat.

It's over. No Contact. Never ever.

"coffee and chat"???

You find a third person. Leave her stuff with that person for her to pick up. She leaves your stuff with that person for you to pick up. The two of you do not meet or make eye contact or talk or have coffee and chat.

It's over. No Contact. Never ever.

... I even suggested exactly that, no need to meet up, but she yelled at me over the phone saying that she doesn't want me to leave her stuff (and mine) to her flatmate (my friend as well) and if I go to her place without telling her (I never even thought that for one moment... ) she will call the police on me...

Then she hung up the phone yelling 'you fxcking cxunt!

I am happy I stayed calm and polite at all times during the conversation

... she tries to control and force me to wait for whenever she is willing to call for ME to bring HER stuff...

As you said it's over and I am out of the game... game out for her...

She is out of my life and I from hers

So how are you going to exchange stuff? You caved in and allow her to run the show?

She will call the police on you if you go pick up your stuff. You DO NOT let her stuff leave your site until she figures out how she is going to get your stuff to you. Otherwise she could end up getting her stuff and saying screw you

So how are you going to exchange stuff? You caved in and allow her to run the show?

The stuff? I have only a pair of trousers and a t-shirt and I have her trolley and few other bips and bops so I personally don't care that much for exchange

That was needed as good opportunity to let her know face to face that I was out of the relationship

If makes herself unreachable then all she will get will be silence

And I am single and so she is and she will understand when she will not be able to reach me anymore, I am happily adopting complete silence and lack of explanations or contacts of any kind

She will stew in her own silence and make her own conclusions

that was needed as good opportunity to let her know face to face that I was out of the relationship
She's already out of the relationship and doesn't seem to give a hoot where you are in it.

There is NO reasonable reason to TELL her. Your actions will say it loud and clear.

Thank you for your view on us.

I am very intrigued when you say that you have the feeling that there is something about me that she lost interest in and she feel its pointless to get into with me.

What exactly made you think so? Anything in particular?

what did you mean by 'nayed the texting stuff'?
Nay = NO do not text

I'm thinking that maybe she feels you try to hard and you keep trying different things to try and make it work -even taking breaks--- thus no consistency in the relationship. When people treat me like this I feel like Pavlov's dog.
SO to me at least, its like if you have to try so hard to seek a healthy relationship its not good. She may feel the problems but not have figured out how to explain it.

She's already out of the relationship and doesn't seem to give a hoot where you are in it.

There is NO reasonable reason to TELL her. Your actions will say it loud and clear.

Completely agree with you, whatever she may or may not feel it's not my problem anymore

And yes, at this stage of the comedy there is no reasonable motivation or way to tell her as my silence will say it loud and clear

You are only wanting this chat for closure got yourself. Or to make it as you has the last Word, she. Couldn't care less what you have to say. Just drop it. Forget the clothes.

You are only wanting this chat for closure got yourself. Or to make it as you has the last Word, she. Couldnt care less what you have to say. Just drop it. Forget the clothes.


No I am afraid this time you didn't get it right

I simply believe that a few minutes chat face to face is better way then a text message to say that I am out

Given she doesn't care less as you suggest my final gesture is totally unnecessary now, less time to waste for me

Lets' it all die and vanish in silence, probably the most graceful way given the situation she created and achieved

I wasn't saying you would be afraid I was saying your effort to explain or tell her anything is a useless waste of time.

I wasnt saying you would be afraid I was saying your effort to explain or tell her anything is a useless waste of time.
And he is probably secretly hoping she will come to her senses and welcome him back.

Yes, a face-to-face meeting and/or chat is totally worthless. She couldn't care less if she ever sees or hears from him again.

And he is probably secretly hoping she will come to her senses and welcome him back.

Yes, a face-to-face meeting and/or chat is totally worthless. She couldn't care less i she ever sees or hears from him again.

... secretly hoping that she will want me back?

No dear, not at all, I am looking forward to focus on my life and all the things I need to accomplish

I said from the beginning that I do not wish her bad in any way, given the overall 2 years experience with her am almost sure that she may have some (maybe serious) bipolar issues or similar and so I hope that I am wrong but if so I am still sad (for her) the mean, tricky and unnecessary mind-games she used to hammer on the relationship,

Few honest, sincere words would have certainly be a much better way to remember each other but this doesn't count anymore

Exactly Its either hoping the spark ignites or that she walk away regretting Its over.

Exactly Its either hoping the spark ignites or that she walk away regretting Its over.

As human and a man if you ask me if I still have feelings for her I would lie if I said not...

I have not problem in admitting that if is this you trying to guess, no mysteries here

I am not wishing her to regrets me - whether she may or may not regret is her business, whatever she will learn from our story all depend on her wisdom, there is no reason for me to wish her bad luck - I wish her happiness sincerely in everything

As for me right now I am enjoying a deep retreat in my silence to regain my peace to find out slowly what I must learn from our story

as for me right now i am enjoying a deep retreat in my silence to regain my peace to find out slowly what i must learn from our story

Bingo!

Anything she has or you have of hers is but an excuse and entirely irrelevant. You want closure, then accept the end and throw the junk away and disappear and end the dramatics and head games for yourself.

You are a hopeless romantic but this isn't a soap opera. Its real life. So disappear and FINALLY put and end to it. Do No Contact the right way and let healing begin. It never will until you have closed the door permanently.

I really like your 3 quotes at the bottom of your profile and message.


Anything she has or you have of hers is but an excuse and entirely irrelevant. You want closure, then accept the end and throw the junk away and disappear and end the dramatics and head games for yourself.

You are a hopeless romantic but this isn't a soap opera. Its real life. So disappear and FINALLY put and end to it. Do No Contact the right way and let healing begin. It never will until you have closed the door permanently.

I really like your 3 quotes at the bottom of your profile and message.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs... In my story this is was it was happening in the last 6 months until my decision to break up

Having a relationship should be a bonus to your life and should not be the only reason to be happy. Yes I fully see the point and agree 100%. Life must be made of many columns like a strong building not based on one point and yes, we must never expect anyone else to make us happy, a happy relationship is a bonus for each of the two partners which can only increase and eventually elevate even more the happiness we already feel inside

And I like the third one too...

I am a romantic but not hopeless and despite the sadness my healing has begun

Thank you to all of you friends who keep on posting opinions and views on our story

I'm not sure you're getting the reality of all of these goings on.

'Over' doesn't mean *poof* problem solved, and along with it, all the emotions, history, conflict, anger. No matter how well you feel now, the moment you see her for 'closure'- which is highly over rated in my opinion- much will still be right at the surface, and you have little control over that.

And why you don't, is simply because you have only worked on your desire or need to end the relationship. You have not walked the walk through the process of ending it, to being free of it- completely.

That takes time. Any serious relationship will cause a great deal of adjusting. Adjusting to independence, and learning how to live single again. Your confidence and self-esteem have taken a hit. There are very raw nerves at the end of any relationship, whether it was good or bad. To ignore it, or think you can skip part of healing, you are only kidding yourself, and you are leaving yourself wide open to fall into a romantic trap.

Be prepared. Know that conflicting feelings WILL happen, and you will have moments of doubt and confusion. It is hard to see reality and the finer points of how important the 'why' part was in your decision to end it. It is all too easy to be in that emotional place and remember the good times, and the reasons for splitting become blurred.

Not to mention that you have NO idea how she will react, and how it will affect you, because this is all too raw.

Please do not contact her directly. If there are personal effects to be exchanged- get a third party. Send her an email and tell her that you expect that by the end of the week, at 6 p.m. anything she wants will have been exchanged with that third party, otherwise you will consider it unwanted, and dispose of it.

Make sure the exchange includes her return of your property.

Keep it simple, brief, and honest.

Then, you can begin to heal.

Your healing has not yet begun simply because you are still lamenting about closure.

I'm not sure you're getting the reality of all of these goings on.

'Over' doesn't mean *poof* problem solved, and along with it, all the emotions, history, conflict, anger. No matter how well you feel now, the moment you see her for 'closure'- which is highly over rated in my opinion- much will still be right at the surface, and you have little control over that.

And why you don't, is simply because you have only worked on your desire or need to end the relationship. You have not walked the walk through the process of ending it, to being free of it- completely.

That takes time. Any serious relationship will cause a great deal of adjusting. Adjusting to independence, and learning how to live single again. Your confidence and self-esteem have taken a hit. There are very raw nerves at the end of any relationship, whether it was good or bad. To ignore it, or think you can skip part of healing, you are only kidding yourself, and you are leaving yourself wide open to fall into a romantic trap.

Be prepared. Know that conflicting feelings WILL happen, and you will have moments of doubt and confusion. It is hard to see reality and the finer points of how important the 'why' part was in your decision to end it. It is all too easy to be in that emotional place and remember the good times, and the reasons for splitting become blurred.

Not to mention that you have NO idea how she will react, and how it will affect you, because this is all too raw.

Please do not contact her directly. If there are personal effects to be exchanged- get a third party. Send her an email and tell her that you expect that by the end of the week, at 6 p.m., anything she wants will have been exchanged with that third party, otherwise you will consider it unwanted, and dispose of it.

Make sure the exchange includes her return of your property.

Keep it simple, brief, and honest.

Then, you can begin to heal.

Your comments are very true.

I agree almost on everything you have said.

Completely true. 'Over' doesn't mean *poof* problem solved, obviously there are some many emotions, history, doubts and conflict and she certainly adds loads of anger (I have no anger at all about her or us).

You are right. No matter how well I may feel now, the moment I may see her for 'closure' (although I no longer want it now... ) all many emotions and feelings will surface, and if I am not wise and strong I will have little control over that tsunami of emotions and may say or do the wrong things deviating from my intentions.

At moment I promised to myself to act with all the wisdom I have in every thing may happen between and her and worked on my desire and need to end the relationship for the happiness and freedom of both of us.

It is also true that I have not walked the walk through the full process of ending it, to being free of it- completely. In fact, I need serious efforts to focus only on my life but I am trying really hard and succeeding slowly, a step or two every day.

I agree with you. This process is long, hard, painful and takes time.

It was a serious relationship, we wanted babies, moving abroad together etc etc and so as I said it is causing a great deal of adjusting to the vanished dreams to the long evenings we use to enjoy.

I disagree only about the confidence and self-esteem.

I feel I have been at all time loyal, honest, caring, supportive, respectful, attentive, polite, peaceful, cheerful, positive and frank up to the very end, even when I have been verbally abused aggressively and so, I feel really good inside about the way I handled the last difficult 6 months and the end this story.

I don't feel I have had a hit in this respect because I have done all it was possible to save the relationship and try to understand her so I feel good about myself because everything I have done it has been genuine and without malice

Right now I have lost so much weight, I am caring a lot about myself, getting fit, looking about ten years younger and I know where I am going in life.

In my life experience I learned that women or people in general, who act strong outside , indeed inside are very fragile specially if they had a difficult childhood and extremely sensitive and, I know it sounds strange but as a human and ex-boyfriend I feel a very strong compassion for her because I have somehow the gut feeling that she has hammered and destroyed a beautiful bond between us and I suspect most of this happened because her extreme insecurity which make difficult for her to handle some aspects of our relationship but this doesn't matter anymore...

I have the gut feeling (I really hope I am wrong) that she may try to be back at some point and this will be yet another test for me and for my life resolution

So you are right. I must be prepared and that I will have moments of doubt and confusion. In this situations, these vortex of emotions, as you said it is very hard to see reality and the finer details.

With the emotions still inside it may be all too easy to be in that deluded fake emotional place and remember only good times, and the reasons for splitting become unmarked and blurred, then mistakes may follow...

Yes, I have NO idea how she will react, and how it will affect you, because this is all too fresh. But I have the control of myself, I will have to control my mind rather than letting my mind controlling me, the inner battle

I have no intention of contacting her directly. There are personal effects to be exchanged- but yesterday She already refused to get a third party involved.
For some reasons she want to be there when I collect my things and give her ones but she wanted me to wait for her to call me whenever

Yes, I may send her an email keeping it simple, brief, and honest but at the moment I just don't wish her to call or email me, don't want to answer calls or texts for a long while. Now it's me who wishes a silent end for our story, it does not bother anymore

Thank you very much for your great post.

Have a peaceful day

Gullyver


Your healing has not yet begun simply because you are still lamenting about closure.

No, I started already to heal talaniman, I am very determined, life goes on brov

Yes it does but it can't go very far, nor can healing even start with one foot firmly planted in the past. You still have a dogged determination to get something from her she isn't willing to give and despite the handwriting on the wall you still try to get that last contact, that last talk, to supposedly end on a high note with understanding and closure.

If healing had really started then you would just disappear and be done with this chapter of life. You are getting to that conclusion and sorry to push you harder, but healing works much better when you make the decision and take action for yourself and let the rest of that stuff go. Exchanging STUFF is but an excuse to hold the door open, and if it was truly that important would have been resolved long ago. Get new stuff and put hers away, and do NO CONTACT correctly starting NOW, and stop playing with your own heart.

It's NOT her, its YOU. Has nothing to do with her despite your well written attempts at trying to make us see her part in this failed experiment. Its you holding on to your own old feelings that were hurt. Accept it fully and quit half stepping my young friend.

Yes it does but it can't go very far, nor can healing even start with one foot firmly planted in the past. You still have a dogged determination to get something from her she isn't willing to give and despite the handwriting on the wall you still try to get that last contact, that last talk, to supposedly end on a high note with understanding and closure.

If healing had really started then you would just disappear and be done with this chapter of life. You are getting to that conclusion and sorry to push you harder, but healing works much better when you make the decision and take action for yourself and let the rest of that stuff go. Exchanging STUFF is but an excuse to hold the door open, and if it was truly that important would have been resolved long ago. Get new stuff and put hers away, and do NO CONTACT correctly starting NOW, and stop playing with your own heart.

It's NOT her, its YOU. Has nothing to do with her despite your well written attempts at trying to make us see her part in this failed experiment. Its you holding on to your own old feelings that were hurt. Accept it fully and quit half stepping my young friend.

... Well I am not really interesting in Exchanging STUFF anymore, I passed that point now, and I have already decided and started NO CONTACT rules so I don't quite get your point here

I don't undertsand what you mean about by my 'well written attempts at trying to make us see her part in this failed experiment."? I simply told how some chapters of the story have been between me and her in the attempt to read opinions and understand the real motivations behind the break up

So why do you use the word attempts and why should I make her appear her in bad light for any reason? The actions speak for themselves so I recounted the facts as they were and as I experienced them in the effort to understand

Last contact, that last talk and closure are not important anymore for me at this stage. Time will make me understand what I cannot see clear now

Now only I want is space, freedom and focus on next chapter of my life.

Yes, of course, healing works much better when anyone makes the decision and take action for themselves and yes, I am letting go all the rest of that stuff go

I do not believe in supermen and superwomen

We are all different in the way we see life and that's the real beauty of it,

We are not machines but people and we have deep feelings, so it is obviously a bit easier to see things from outside but I am sure that from your own life experiences you know that the sorrow after a break up with someone you still love is a serious challenge in life, I am sure it was the same for you as for anyone else

....Well I am not really interesting in Exchanging STUFF anymore, I passed that point now, and I have already decided and started NO CONTACT rules so I don't quite get your point here

I don't undertsand what you mean about by my 'well written attempts at trying to make us see her part in this failed experiment."? I simply told how some chapters of the story have been between me and her in the attempt to read opinions and understand the real motivations behind the break up

so why do you use the word attempts and why should I make her appear her in bad light for any reason? The actions speak for themselves so I recounted the facts as they were and as I experienced them in the effort to understand

last contact, that last talk and closure are not important anymore for me at this stage. Time will make me understand what I cannot see clear now

now only I want is space, freedom and focus on next chapter of my life.

yes, of course, healing works much better when anyone makes the decision and take action for themselves and yes, I am letting go all the rest of that stuff go

I do not believe in supermen and superwomen

We are all different in the way we see life and that's the real beauty of it,

we are not machines but people and we have deep feelings, so it is obviously a bit easier to see things from outside but I am sure that from your own life experiences you know that the sorrow after a break up with someone you still love is a serious challenge in life, I am sure it was the same for you as for anyone else

Hu hu, guess what, my ex-just texted me 11am this morning... …she texted ‘good morning, I am at home all day today’ -...

Hu hu, guess what, my ex-just texted me 11am this morning .....…she texted ‘good morning, I am at home all day today’ -........
And you did (will do) what?

I did not reply at all ignoring her text and after good 3 hours she texted me again saying that something else unexpected came out and she had to go somewhere else to help a friend and so she said 'sorry for today, not possible anymore.

I came to know (for sure) from a common friend that it was a genuine impediment and that she really went to help although if she really wanted to talk about us she could have met me this evening but she didn't suggest that so... she still trying another one of her mind games and I didn't reply the her 2nd message neither...

And spying on her through friends is a good idea?

Why do use the word spying?

And spying on her thru friends is a good idea?



... well I didn't really ask, I know the friend whom went to hospital and so she told me that my ex went with her, so I didn't need to ask

... but even if I want to have news what's so wrong in asking about her?

...but even if I want to have news what's so wrong in asking about her?
Because guess who it will get back to, that you were asking about her? Good way to keep things plodding along.

2nd hand contact keeps a connection alive. Contact by proxy, therefore false.

Because guess who it will get back to, that you were asking about her? Good way to keep things plodding along.

I have not asked about her at all

The info was volunteered by the friend without I had to ask anything...

So at the end I didn't respond back twice and didn't ask about her, not too bad

I have not asked about her at all

the info was volunteered by the friend without I had to ask anything.....
You said, "... but even if I want to have news what's so wrong in asking about her?"

And you listened and were interested. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

But you listened and were interested. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!


..?. and so what..?

Of course I listened and was interested to listen, she was my girlfriend up to 4 weeks ago... do you find it so strange?

... so what would you have done different from what I did?

do you find it so strange?
Yes, yes, and yes. Totally wrong call. You should have held up your hand, said "Stop!!! I do not want to even HEAR about her!"

Now you've got her with ears up again.

Yes, yes, and yes. Totally wrong call. You should have held up your hand, said "Stop!!! I do not want to even HEAR about her!"

Now you've got her with ears up again.

Totally wrong call? To my friend who went to hospital? And why? I called to ask how she was and if she had anyone accompanying her in case she needed and did not ask anything about her...

But I still fail to see your point though??

What do you mean by I 've got her up ears up again?

I am going on my way, the one I decided to choose for now and I am sticking to it regardless of what she does so doing well I suppose

what do you mean by I 've got her up ears up again?

What did you comment about your ex accompanying her friend?

What did you comment about your ex accompanying her friend?

Pretty much nothing

Also that friend is an old friend of mine I trust even if I had asked

What would you have done different? I think if I had done like you suggested (NO DON'T WANT EVEN EAR ABOUT HER>.. ) it would have been worst because I would have showed feelings instead.. don't you think so?

pretty much nothing
"When I mentioned to him that you had accompanied me to the hospital, his eyes got bigger and he started to smile. I'm sure he's still crazy about you."

"When I mentioned to him that you had accompanied me to the hospital, his eyes got bigger and he started to smile. I'm sure he's still crazy about you."

Ha ha ha good one but there are some discrepancies here in what you say...

First she couldn't say so because she couldn't see me... so no bigger eyes... and no smile (also I didn't smile) over the mobile... simply not credible enough because invented...

... then if she said so (I'm sure he's still crazy about you) that may only increase doubts or regrets in her (eventually) if she has any... but I don't expect so from her

... hence so far I go on with my intentions

... I think I have done the right thing considering how she has been treating me in the last 4 weeks since she suddenly break up without a word of explanation...

I see you both playing game through a friend and keeping feelings stirred up through drama and intrigue. Cheating on NC, only cheats YOU!!

I see you both playing game thru a friend and keeping feelings stirred up thru drama and intrigue. Cheating on NC, only cheats YOU!!!

My gut feeling that she would call me back after the sudden, unexplained break up with no clues or explanation of why she wanted to break up after 2 years was right then...

ha ha ha good one but there are some discrepancies here in what you say...
The mutual friend is female?

The mutual friend is female?


Yes, she is a good old friend of mine, a lovely lady 20 years older than both of us. I have known her for long time while she was introduced to my ex last March


2nd hand contact keeps a connection alive. Contact by proxy, therefore false.

In life nothing happen without reason

The 'third link' or 2nd hand contact' is there for a reason

Either to teach me another hers lesson (if I make mistakes from now on) or else

It's up to me and to my wisdom to learn more and do the right things I must do

When we suffer some misfortune, we tend to imagine that no one could possibly be as unhappy or as unfortunate.

It's easy to drown in self-pity and turn a blind eye to everyone and everything else. But dwelling on our own pain or discontent and hopelessness only causes our life force to wane even further.

It is at such times that we need to rekindle our connections with others, to be concerned for their struggles. In doing so we discover a renewed strength and the will to live.

Drop the philosophy and do NC the correct way and build a life that you enjoy without her. Good Orderly Direction requires ACTIONS, not analysis.

Drop the philosophy and do NC the correct way and build a life that you enjoy without her. Good Orderly Direction requires ACTIONS, not analysis.

Good day talaniman,

How are you today?

Philosophy or life beliefs as you want to call them can become actions if we act upon it and apply it to our daily life, decisions determinations

Yesterday I felt and still feel full of positive energy , I am grateful to life as I had a great day, enjoyed myself,
Yes my mind was often... flying to her popping often to interrupt my peaceful day but overall it was a good day, went out on my motorbike with a new ( pretty) girl (just friends for now) and relaxed a lot.

Yes, despite the inner sorrow I am feeling I must be grateful to the new opportunities to change and become a strong person thanks to this challenge in life...

My way is trying to be always positive and in this hard time stop one moment to list all the positive things left in your life and about yourself, recognize them and make them the leverage of your changes to come and be grateful about them...

I believe in being active, do not stagnate in your pain , keep on moving, make new friends, read about science, philosophy, love relationships (or whatever it interests you) and enjoy life , the best things to recover (at least for me)

I feel so much stronger in the last 24 hours because I am focusing on MYSELF and MY LIFE and not on her or us...

Accordingly I try my best to have a great day today, not expecting anything from the other side and if anything happen I will stick to my decisions