I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we have talked about a future together. The main issue is money. He makes a VERY good living and I am unemployed, desperately looking for a job. Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and my children and took everything including all our money and he also left me with a lot of pass due bills. I have been living off credit cards and going to the food bank to feed my children, my ex-husband gives me a little money but not enough to support me and our children. All of that aside, I struggle every month and have routinely had utilities turned off and I get notices everyday about my house being foreclose on.

My problem is that my boyfriend watches me struggle and he has seen me cry because I can't feed my kids. His typical response to my money worries is "That must suck." I love him, but I don't understand why he doesn't offer to help. He is cheap naturally, but he does spend money on material things when he wants something, he even shows me his purchases and tells me how much they cost. I think that is rubbing his financial security in my face.

I am finding that I'm starting to resent him based on the principal that if you love someone and you can help but refuse to is just being selfish. I don't know, the other day he was eating chips that I got from the food bank and he smiled a commented that food bank food is "gross". I also had a birthday recently and he got me a card and that was it, no present :( It hurt me... It could have been from the dollar store it was just that he had no thought to get my anything. Am I being wrong?

Maybe I was just raised differently, his family had money, my family struggled, but that made me a very generous person... I even hand the homeless people outside of the food bank some of my food... I just can't watch someone suffer. I feel like he is watching me suffer and he obviously doesn't care. If you love someone how can you watch them spiral down. I want to be independent but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough to pay for daycare so I can work... enough about that.

Anyway, I'm at a crossroads... I've tried before to talk to him about this and he says he will help, but he never does and I'm not going to ask him, that is so degrading. I love him and want a life with him, but I don't know if I will get over my resentment even when I get on my feet.

What should I do?

What would you do if he wasn't rich, and couldn't help you? What are the child support laws where you live. How long have you been divorced?

Are you having sex with this cheap guy?

He is a selfish creep who is using an already vulnerable mistreated woman.

You are allowing yourself to be victimized once again.

Dump the ******. Trust me, there are men out there who are caring individuals, and still have the chivalry to use the means they have to take care of a woman that they love. This man does not love you.

You won't find these men when you are down, usually. Sad to say, but what makes a woman attractive is confidence. The tears and "poor me, please rescue me" will only draw the men who prey on this type of female.

I am not a complete follower of the law of attraction, but in this instance it is true. Confidence and success attract the same in another person. An embattled and abused woman attracts an abuser. Abuse can take any form, including being selfish while watching another flounder and suffer. Get rid of this loser. He has some real issues, and he will NEVER have a generous heart. It is not ever going to happen. He is NOT for you.

I suggest family, community resources, church, whatever you can find to bolster yourself esteem and help you with the basic needs until you can get on your own feet. Get legal aid, and go to your district attorney's office to file for child support. Don't be a doormat. Start fighting back. There are tons of shelters that specialize in helping single moms with children who have been abandoned, have no utilities and make low wages. Don't look for a man to rescue you right now. Look when you are more in control of your life, look your best, and are managing on your own. You want someone who admires you.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this. You've been dating for 8 months. Just because you're dating doesn't mean he's obligated to help you out. He's not responsible for your kids, or the roof over your head, or the water, or any of it. They're your responsibility.

I know this sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't understand people that complain about money issues, yet don't work. I know the economy is bad in the US (I'm assuming that's where you are), but there are jobs if you are willing to work. They may not make you rich, they're not dream jobs, but you'd be providing for yourself and your children, at least a little bit.

Bottom line, he's your boyfriend, not you husband, not the father of your children. He has no financial responsibility towards you, or your kids. The fact that you think he should offer to pitch in, that's not okay. Your ex should pitch in. Your ex should help support his children. The boyfriend? No.

Since he does have money have you asked him for a loan? That's something you can do, but be prepared to pay it back, plus interest. Don't expect the money just because he has it and you don't.

Good luck.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we have talked about a future together. ... Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and my children and took everything including all our money and he also left me with a lot of pass due bills. ... I think that is rubbing his financial security in my face. ... I also had a birthday recently and he got me a card and that was it, no present :( It hurt me...It could have been from the dollar store it was just that he had no thought to get my anything. Am I being wrong? ... Maybe I was just raised differently, his family had money, my family struggled, but that made me a very generous person...I even hand the homeless people outside of the food bank some of my food... If you love someone how can you watch them spiral down. I want to be independent but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough to pay for daycare so I can work...enough about that.



Well, this is going to be a VERY unpopular answer. The very heading of this turned me off - your "rich" boyfriend won't help? He's your boyfriend, not your husband. After eight months you are expecting him to finance your life and the lives of your children?

Your resentment of his financial condition comes across loud and clear - yes, you're wrong. He is not your father or your husband.

As far as not getting a birthday gift - maybe he's thoughtless. I don't know that that's a money issue.

If you are handing people outside the food bank some of your food you need to accept less from the food bank. First, it's against the rules. Second, you are taking food out of the mouth of your children.

If you don't get enough spousal support/child support from your "ex", then go back to Court and get it increased.

I see not a word about this man's virtues. I see a lot about your resentment.

This is not a healthy relationship - not at all. You need to stand on your own two feet and not ride on a man's coat tails.

Again, sorry - but he's not Santa Claus.

You need to handle your stuff. Who cares how much he makes, how cheap he is, what he does or doesn't show you. Your economical problems are YOURS, not his, and you need to handle them without seeing him as a scape goat who is not enabling to make your life easier. If you don't like him for who he is, then break up with him, but all these resentment talk is only an excuse, not to mention you are using him as an emotional crutch for YOUR monetary problems. Break up with the guy, use your time to concentrate on how to dig yourself from the hole that you are in on your own, and stop blaming other people for your problems, it is time for you to take responsibility of your situation.

He is a selfish creep who is using an already vulnerable mistreated woman.

You are allowing yourself to be victimized once again.

Dump the ******. Trust me, there are men out there who are caring individuals, and still have the chivalry to use the means they have to take care of a woman that they love. This man does not love you.


Why is he a selfish creep? Because he doesn't want to support a woman and her children when he's been in their life eight months?

I don't know that she was victimized the first time, either.

You are confusing chivalry with money - they are two different things.

Would I finance someone I'd known eight months? No. As you said, there are options available. This woman needs to tap into them.

Alty has the best idea - ask for a loan WITH interest. He either says yes or no. I don't know what I would say.

Why is he a selfish creep? Because he doesn't want to support a woman and her children when he's been in their life eight months?

I don't know that she was victimized the first time, either.

You are confusing chivalry with money - they are two different things.

Would I finance someone I'd known eight months? No. As you said, there are options available. This woman needs to tap into them.

Alty has the best idea - ask for a loan WITH interest. He either says yes or no. I don't know what I would say.

I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.

I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.

I was the one that suggested asking for a loan.

You are taking her at her word that they have a future, despite the fact that she's thinking of breaking it off with him because he won't pay her bills and provide for her children?

They're not married yet, so why should he have to pay for her bills, her kids, when neither one is his responsibility?

If they do get married then at that point he's taken on her life, her kids, and yes, he should make sure that the water doesn't get shut off and there's food on the table, since he can afford it. But, even then it's not solely his responsibility, unlike the OP's situation, where it is solely her responsibility.

She has two legs, two arms, and internet access, a computer, but can't afford to feed her kids? Sorry, I'm not very sympathetic. McDonalds is always hiring. There's no excuse to be sitting at home on the internet whining about not having a man to take care of her when she could be taking care of herself and the children she chose to bring into this world.

Thank you for your comments they do help. The law in Washington is that my husband pays $385 for 3 kids, I can't change. I do receive maintenance from my ex but it is very little because I couldn't afford an attorney so the court went with a smaller amount. He should pay more considering he is living comfortably, but that's another story completely. I am in school to get my nursing degree and that takes up all my time, and if I quit I won't get my license so that is primarily why I haven't been able to get a job, and I have no daycare for the nights. What Im trying to say is I will get on my feet soon... I'm not just being lazy.

My boyfriend is a caring person, I'm sorry if I didn't say that before out of frustration. We have a good relationship, but I am struggling with this issue because I almost feel like he is rubbing his wealth in my face when he knows I'm down. He said to me the other day after he saw me upset (about a bill, but I didn't specify) and he said, "look hun, I got my bonus for the quarter 120K." I smiled and was happy for him but it hurt me because that's like rubbing a steak in a hungry man's face. And this type of thing happens a lot. I just smile and tell him Im proud of him... I don't say anything to him.

Another point I forgot to mention is he keeps saying he wants to grow old together and that would be nice. He's becoming more then a boyfriend and I just think that if we are pushing for this then why would he want to wait to help and watch me suffer if eventually we will be together anyway. He does make a good living and I will too after school. So I feel like if we are working toward a future then why do I have to suffer as we build our relationship. IDK...

I would love him if he didn't make a lot of money, honestly that would be better because we would be on a similar plain. He just doesn't understand what its like to be poor, and I have tried to tell him to put himself in my position.

Also I have asked for a loan with interest with a promissory note and he said his accountant said he couldn't for some reason and he left it at that.

I know you guys think that Im wrong to resent him, and maybe that's not the right word, but I can see when we are married or whatever, that we will think of the past and I will remember when he shoved his financial security in my face and I will question why he sat back and watched me go through this.

I haven't taken money from him or asked for any. I guess I'm old fashion or maybe Im generous but I don't get this. He even donated 5k to charity and then showed me his certificate. Again money that would get me on my feet until I finish school, but he didn't think of that. I would never sit back and watch someone that I love, someone who he wants to spend your life with and watch me fall.

Also, a side note he doesn't live with me and he hasn't met my kids, I won't let that happen until we have a commitment.

Any comment is helpful so if you disagree that's fine I encourage all input.

Also another note: I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep. And I don't have internet I was using a computer at school during a break. So I don't sit on my butt then want to be taking care of. Besides he spends more money a day on colleague drinks and dinners then I even need.

Also another note: I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep. And I don't have internet I was using a computer at school during a break. So I don't sit on my butt then want to be taking care of. Besides he spends more money a day on colleague drinks and dinners then I even need.


- and this is the attitude that sums it all up.

It's his money to spend as he wishes. As far as planning a future unless/until there is a ring on her finger it's all pretend.

Why not petition for more support?

I am taking her at her word that they are talking about a future together. Eight months is a fair amount of time. She obviously is looking to him as a future husband. I disagree with everyone. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship, talking about a future together, and charging her interest on a loan. Obviously my husband is cut from different cloth.


Perhaps your husband had no problems supporting you when you were bf/gf. That's a decision two people make together.

I've dated men with money. I've dated men without money.

No matter how tight my financial situation got I never allowed a man to support me nor did I ever ask for help.

Money is the #1 cause of divorce. I cannot imagine what it would do to a relationship... and I never wanted anybody to own me. I think that's step #2 when a man to whom you are not married supports you.

In the OP's case I have to wonder who else he dates, where else he is - I see nothing about him spending lavishly when they go "out" and I have to wonder why.

I agree with what many people are saying here. It is not the responsibility of your boyfriend to support you and your kids from another marriage. Having said that, I honestly think the guy sounds at least a little insensitive. He doesn't have to give you money, but he doesn't have to flaunt the money he has. His comment about his bonus could just be him wanting you to be proud of him. It's very possible he didn't even think about the other ways you might interpret it. His comment about the food bank being 'gross' however is rude when he knows that's what you and your kids are eating. On that topic, I understand your desire to help the homeless outside the food bank, however, that food needs to go to your kids.

In my opinion, large amounts of money between two people that know each other personally is never a good idea. My guess is that he didn't refuse the loan because he doesn't want to help you out, but because he would be uncomfortable if things went south. If you did have trouble repaying the loan, it would kill your relationship right there.

It sounds like you are working extremely hard and because of your work ethic, I think you will make it through. You have to focus on the help that you are getting (like the food bank) and on how to get more support from your ex, your community or government programs, not the help you think you're entitled to from your boyfriend.

my guess is that he didn’t refuse the loan because he doesn’t want to help you out, but because he would be uncomfortable if things went south. if you did have trouble repaying the loan, it would kill your relationship right there.


What did I miss? I didn't see that she asked him for a loan - but I'm going to re-read.

If he isn't to your liking you break up with him. What else is there? Do you just want affirmation that he's a cheapskate, or what? I agree that he sounds insensitive. I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. If his good outweighs his bad, what can we say or do?

If he isn't to your liking you break up with him. What else is there? Do you just want affirmation that he's a cheapskate, or what? I agree that he sounds insensitive. I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. If his good outweighs his bad, what can we say or do?


I don't see anything good about him being posted - I also don't know if he's married, separated, divorced, if their relationship is exclusive. I don't see them going out here or there and he "spends money on dinners but not on me personally," if you know what I mean. I see this guy dropping over. Posts like this are also why I recommend that children NOT be introduced to people unless/until the relationship is very stable.

The title alone sums it up - "... my rich boyfriend ..."

Personal note - when my husband died and I dated I cannot tell you how many people came right out and asked me for money, for loans, for gifts just because they were aware of his occupation and presumed/assumed I had inherited a whole bunch of money (assuming money comes in bunches).

Once the poster gets passive/aggressive I lose a lot of interest: "I go to school all day then clinical at night so I guess I could work at McDonald's in the middle of the night and not sleep." Everyone here is searching for an answer, taking the time and answer, and we collectively get slapped with that attitude - ?

OP isn't the first nor will she be the last to put her plans on hold because of family obligations. One of the members I respect very much went back to school later in life because she had other obligations and had to put her "dream" on hold.

Welcome to the real World!

Also, maybe the OP is sharing this guy's bed. Maybe it's platonic. I don't know. I do know that if you know someone well enough to be having sex with him you know him well enough to come right out and explain your situation and what you perceive to be his. For all I know the guy drives a Porsche and lives on his credit cards.

He could also have some hangup which involves dating (or not dating) people who at the moment are his financial equal. I think we all have met men like that - they don't want equals, they want people to look up to them on any of several levels, including financial.

Sorry,I see no good coming from this 8 month relationship at all because you have to many personal issues to work out on your own, and some very unrealistic expectations of him so soon, as well as he may indeed be an uncaring boob.

Regardless of the high hopes, or resentments, the reality is you are on your own, and maybe don't need to be in a serious relationship at this time and should just be dating and
Having fun instead of expecting a guy to bail you out of your hardship, and misery.

For sure I think after just 8 months of dating you should not be viewing him as the knight in shining armor coming to rescue you in your time of need. Even thinking there is a future here is unrealistic, and despite good morals or social sense, its easy toresent a rich person whois not generous in the name of LOVE!!

You want a more generous guy to date and willing to help his womn financially go get one because he ain't it. I mean how would he know its not his money and means that attracts you to him? I personally think its smart not to mix money and love this soon without a more solid commitment.

Comments he makes aside its your own resentments you deal with, because we have no wayof knowing what he means by them, maybe he is a snob! Sorry you are going through this hardship, nothing to do with him really, but I suspect you are just getting started, and have a ways to go yet, not only with your own issues, but with this boyfriend.

How long have you been divorced and on your own?

How long have you been divorced and on your own?


And I wonder about the ages of the children - and if it's time to go back and request support be re-examined. OP is obviously in school to make a better life for herself and her children (which in NY the "ex" would have to pay for in most cases), "shopping" in food pantries - have to wonder what the Divorce said.

It's entirely possible OP really got taken.

Again thanks for the comment they do help.To sum up a few question: He is divorced and he still completely supports his ex financially and he says he always will, that does say something about his integrity. And he hasn't met my children, we discussed that and I don't feel right about it until I do have a ring on my finger. I did get a little defensive about my schedule and working in the middle of the night. I can't quit school because I will lose all my grants and scholarships. I have six months until I graduate and then I already have a job lined up. I do give the homeless man that I see by the food bank a little bread from the two lofts I get, I figure I should still help people that are in a worse state then I am and a few slices of bread is not too much. I am a giving person and some of you don't understand this bit, but I believe in karma and I think I am doing the right thing with that. So maybe that will help.

To sum things up after reading the posts I guess this all comes down to the fact that Im hurt. It hurts me when he throws his wealth in my face and when he makes insensitive comments about my financial situation. We are working toward a future together and when I get frustrated about my situation I look at it and I just don't understand it. Maybe its because my father supported my mother and I think of how good of a man he is to have done that. I agree we aren't married and he doesn't have to support me, or help a little. To clarify Im not asking him to support me completely, I just need a little help until I start my job. This is not his responsibility and I get that.

As I've read the comments I think everyone thinks I'm trying to be a gold digger and that's not it. The real reason is that I feel that he is insensitive whether its intentional or not, which I don't think it is. I just don't understand how if he loves me so much, and he says he will do anything for me, then why is he watching me struggle and he doesn't help. He says he wants to help, but he never actually does. Is this because Im not being specific about what help I need. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad things are for me. I just see a future with him, and I guess I want it now (I always get ahead of myself).

The real question I have is how do I not get hurt by his comments and how do I not get hurt by empty promises. I really need help with this, I don't know how to talk to him about this without seeming needy. Do I discuss my feelings and see what his intentions are or do I just wait. And how do I wait and know things will change and still have a good relationship with the stress Im under. I feel like my stress is hindering our future.

Everyone, how to I stop feeling hurt? I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I know its effecting our relationship. Do I say to him to keep his comments to himself? I just don't get the insensitivity. Maybe he doesn't realize... idk. I just need help understanding. I do get hurt when he throws money around for things and I watch him do that and I think to myself, that five hundred dollars you spent on dinner for your colleagues could help me for two months, the 5k he gave to charity at an auction would put me in a situation where I could get out of my hole and be able to finish school, why is he giving a charity money when the person he loves so much could have her life change with that money. I don't say anything, I just smile and listen to him, but I have to be honest it does hurt that he doesn't see what that does to me. I take it that you all think I'm wrong and I don't what to be. Please continue to comment.

Also I did get screwed in my divorce, but I can't go back, I tried and the judge said her decision was final. I agree my ex should be the one to support his kids but he's a bad person and he would rather spend his money on drinking with his friends then make sure his kids have food. He comments that there's food at his house so what's my problem. He brings home around 6k a month and he givens me 1500, which is not enough to pay for necessities where I live. I wish it would but I don't want to move my kids away to a cheaper area and make them leave their friends and switch schools especially when I will be able to squeak by soon.

Also so you guys know he makes over 30k a month and my need is a few hundred

And he hasn't met my children, we discussed that and I don't feel right about it until I do have a ring on my finger. .. I do give the homeless man that I see by the food bank a little bread from the two lofts I get, I figure I should still help people that are in a worse state then I am and a few slices of bread is not too much. I am a giving person and some of you dont understand this bit, but I believe in karma and I think I am doing the right thing with that. ... We are working toward a future together and when I get frustrated about my situation I look at it and I just don't understand it. ... I just don't understand how if he loves me so much, and he says he will do anything for me, then why is he watching me struggle and he doesn't help. ... Is this because Im not being specific about what help I need. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad things are for me. I just see a future with him, and I guess I want it now (I always get ahead of myself). ... The real question I have is how do I not get hurt by his comments and how do I not get hurt by empty promises. I really need help with this, I don't know how to talk to him about this without seeming needy. Do I discuss my feelings and see what his intentions are or do I just wait. And how do I wait and know things will change and still have a good relationship with the stress Im under. I feel like my stress is hindering our future. ... Everyone, how to I stop feeling hurt? I dont want to feel this way anymore. And I know its effecting our relationship. Do I say to him to keep his comments to himself? I just don't get the insensitivity. Maybe he doesn't realize...idk. I just need help understanding. I do get hurt when he throws money around for things and I watch him do that and I think to myself, that five hundred dollars you spent on dinner for your colleagues could help me for two months, the 5k he gave to charity at an auction would put me in a situation where I could get out of my hole and be able to finish school, why is he giving a charity money when the person he loves so much could have her life change with that money. I don't say anything, I just smile and listen to him, but I have to be honest it does hurt that he doesn't see what that does to me. I take it that you all think I'm wrong and I don't what to be. Please continue to comment.



I've edited your answer - I hope you don't mind.

Let me address a couple of things - you are talking about a future together but he hasn't met your children. Have you met his? When he is giving money for charity dinners (or whatever else) are you going to the events with him? I still don't see you saying, "We went out to dinner and he spent $200 and I could have used that money to pay the gas bill."

The only way to get resolution is to be specific - maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's a jerk. There's one way to know. Ask him if he can help you with something specific. At some point you have to stop smiling and hurting. My first concern is that you are putting on a false face for some reason. My other concern is that I don't see you involved in his life. Is this platonic? Sexual? Something else? I hesitate to ask - but do you go out together, meet somewhere, something else? I don't want to make you feel worse but it's summer. Where do the two of you go on dates?

He may give to charity because he's a person who likes to flash his money, who thinks money buys respect. It's called shallow.

I think it's too soon in the relationship to have any expectations - I truly do.

Having said this, I married my late husband 7 weeks after I met him. Sometimes it does work.

EDIT: I wasn't going to add this but I will. When I met my late husband I was working a full-time job and two part-time jobs (my dog was sick and I needed the second part-time job to pay her Vet bills). After the first couple of weeks he offered to give me money to get me "caught up." I could not have been more offended. On our first date he paid for dinner. We then went to a coffee shop, just to talk, and I paid for the coffee. He said that that had never happened to him before - apparently women are happy to be the "guest" but not the "host."

And I did none of this to set him up for anything - it was just important to me to keep my independence and self direction. I never wanted anyone to think I was using him.

I have read the entire thread.

What leaps out at me is when you say that he fully supports his ex-wife and intends to continue supporting her. You see it as integrity. I wonder if it is a sign of controlling behavior or if she knows something about him that he doesn't want anyone else to know.

How involved in his life is his ex? How involved in her life is he? Have you met her or any of his personal friends (not colleagues or work buddies) and/or family?

How long after your separation/divorce from your ex did you meet your current boyfriend? How long did you know him before you began seeing each other? Did you see/date anyone between the ex and the current? Be very certain that you aren't using him as an emotional crutch after what your ex did.

Look at your relationship. As Judy keeps asking, do you go out anywhere? Is the sum of your relationship him coming over? How much of a part does sex play? When do talks about the future occur? When cuddling on the couch, talking and sharing plans or when you seem to be pulling away and he wants to reel you back in?

I am going to be honest. Part of thinks you are getting played. How positive are you that he is divorced?

Help us out with some important information. How long were you divorced?

That's more critical than how much these fellows make, or what they do with their money. To be frank, you are seeing everything through the lens of how YOU are struggling, and how much help YOU need. I don't doubt you do, but expecting an 8 month dating relationship to be building for a future is plain crazy.

Feelings and finances aside, you are dating to get to know each other, and should NOT be counting on him, or anyone else to be investing on a future that at best is a far off dream of yours.

It appears that you need a lawyer more than you need a boyfriend, and you can't blame a guy for looking out for his own interests, especially a divorced one who supports his ex. How do you expect to enjoy and have fun when all you can see are your own problems?

You won't like this but if your husband is so well off, why are the kids not with him? Don't think I don't sympathize with your struggle, but whether you hate the ex or not he can certainly share the burden. Without clarity, hard NOT to assume something else is at play here. Maybe a relationship is not what's in your best interest at this time if you cannot enjoy it.

I have read the entire thread.

What leaps out at me is when you say that he fully supports his ex-wife and intends to continue supporting her. You see it as integrity. I wonder if it is a sign of controlling behavior or if she knows something about him that he doesn't want anyone else to know.

How involved in his life is his ex? How involved in her life is he? Have you met her or any of his personal friends (not colleagues or work buddies) and/or family?

How long after your separation/divorce from your ex did you meet your current boyfriend? How long did you know him before you began seeing each other? Did you see/date anyone between the ex and the current? Be very certain that you aren't using him as an emotional crutch after what your ex did.

Look at your relationship. As Judy keeps asking, do you go out anywhere? Is the sum of your relationship him coming over? How much of a part does sex play? When do talks about the future occur? When cuddling on the couch, talking and sharing plans or when you seem to be pulling away and he wants to reel you back in?

I am going to be honest. Part of thinks you are getting played. How positive are you that he is divorced?

1. I haven't met his ex yet, they do talk everyday and he does not have a problem showing me his text to and from her. She has a lot of health issues so that is why he still supports her. This is what he says

2. I did date one guy after my divorce, things didn't work out. It's been about a year and a half.

3. We met and immediately started dating

4. I have not met any friends, I don't know that he has any, he travels about three weeks out of the month, so I see him little. We talk everyday a few times a day when he is gone for work. When we do see each other it does entail a lot of sex because we miss each other. We do go out to dinner and double with my friends. I don't have a lot of time with my schedule and his to spend together, mainly in the evenings after my school, he would come down sooner if I didn't have school. He live an hour away from me. I do have keys to his house so he isn't too private.

5. I did meet his parents last week, he wanted me to.

6. I don't think I'm being played because he does keep in touch with me all day and he literally counts the days and hours until he gets to see me again... in our text he keeps a timer... I think its cute.

7. Another part of our relationship is his work schedule, most of the time I don't even know what state he is in, although he tells me but I can't keep track. I hate the fact we don't have real time to spend doing everyday things, our schedule collide since I won't let him meet my kids it makes it even harder.

IDK... I don't even want to think about whether he's sincere of not about our future. We talk often about it, but nothing seems to happen. I love him and I do believe he loves me. When we do get married or live together he has said he would pay the bills and states that I wouldn't have to work and could concentrate on other things that I do that don't make as much, I don't agree with him about not working I would never not work. As I think through all the advice from these posts I do see that I am insecure with our relationship, the unwillingness to help and the time away from him is hard for me. I guess our relationship when we are together will still be strained because of the schedule conflict but I will feel better just knowing he is coming home to our house and not different houses.

Any comments are helpful... p.s. I am sneaking at school to read these posts I just need to know what others think I should do because I have told him I need time to think about things... he doesn't know what Im thinking about he just knows I have some concerns that Im working through.

4. I have not met any friends, I dont know that he has any, he travels about three weeks out of the month, so I see him little. We talk everyday a few times a day when he is gone for work. When we do see each other it does entail a lot of sex because we miss each other. We do go out to dinner and double with my friends. I don't have a lot of time with my schedule and his to spend together, mainly in the evenings after my school, he would come down sooner if I didnt have school. He live an hour away from me. I do have keys to his house so he isnt too private.


I have two words about not meeting any of his friends and having a lot of $ex when you do get together (by the way, does he pay for your babysitter) - those two words are Red Flag! Red Flag!

No, wait, those are four words.

I've edited your answer - I hope you don't mind.

Let me address a couple of things - you are talking about a future together but he hasn't met your children. Have you met his? When he is giving money for charity dinners (or whatever else) are you going to the events with him? I still don't see you saying, "We went out to dinner and he spent $200 and I could have used that money to pay the gas bill."

The only way to get resolution is to be specific - maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's a jerk. There's one way to know. Ask him if he can help you with something specific. At some point you have to stop smiling and hurting. My first concern is that you are putting on a false face for some reason. My other concern is that I don't see you involved in his life. Is this platonic? Sexual? Something else? I hesitate to ask - but do you go out together, meet somewhere, something else? I don't want to make you feel worse but it's summer. Where do the two of you go on dates?

He may give to charity because he's a person who likes to flash his money, who thinks money buys respect. It's called shallow.

I think it's too soon in the relationship to have any expectations - I truly do.

Having said this, I married my late husband 7 weeks after I met him. Sometimes it does work.

EDIT: I wasn't going to add this but I will. When I met my late husband I was working a full-time job and two part-time jobs (my dog was sick and I needed the second part-time job to pay her Vet bills). After the first couple of weeks he offered to give me money to get me "caught up." I could not have been more offended. On our first date he paid for dinner. We then went to a coffee shop, just to talk, and I paid for the coffee. He said that that had never happened to him before - apparently women are happy to be the "guest" but not the "host."

And I did none of this to set him up for anything - it was just important to me to keep my independence and self direction. I never wanted anyone to think I was using him.

When we do go out he does pay and I usually don't eat a lot of it so I can bring food back to me kids, he hasn't caught on to that. He doesn't have kids, he was married for 14 years and she couldn't have any. I don't go to the events with him because they are usually out of town. He has offered to fly me in to go but I can't leave. Recently he told me he wanted to go on vacation and take me with... Im not going because of my schedule and also because I can't sit in a luxury resort when I can't afford to live... im not going to drink a twenty dollar drink by the pool... I can't imagine doing that.

I have two words about not meeting any of his friends and having a lot of ex when you do get together (by the way, does he pay for your babysitter) - those two words are Red Flag! Red Flag!

No, wait, those are four words.

I don't have babysitters I only see him when my ex has the kids. He does pay for gas when I drive to his house.

Help us out with some important information. How long were you divorced?

Thats more critical than how much these fellows make, or what they do with their money. To be frank, you are seeing everything thru the lens of how YOU are struggling, and how much help YOU need. I don't doubt you do, but expecting an 8 month dating relationship to be building for a future is plain crazy.

Feelings and finances aside, you are dating to get to know each other, and should NOT be counting on him, or anyone else to be investing on a future that at best is a far off dream of yours.

It appears that you need a lawyer more than you need a boyfriend, and you can't blame a guy for looking out for his own interests, especially a divorced one who supports his ex. How do you expect to enjoy and have fun when all you can see are your own problems?

You won't like this but if your husband is so well off, why are the kids not with him? Don't think I don't sympathize with your struggle, but whether you hate the ex or not he can certainly share the burden. Without clarity, hard NOT to assume something else is at play here. Maybe a relationship is not whats in your best interest at this time if you cannot enjoy it.

I do need a lawyer but they cost money and like I said I did sign the divorce papers and they are non modifiable. They kids are with me and my ex exactly 50/50. I wish he would pay more but he won't he says too bad get a job and quit school. Im so close I don't want to quit and have to work for minimum when in six months I will have a salary. Maybe Im a romantic about the time we've been together but talks of the future are usually him talking.

I do need a lawyer but they cost money and like I said I did sign the divorce papers and they are non modifiable. They kids are with me and my ex exactly 50/50. I wish he would pay more but he wont he says too bad get a job and quit school. Im so close I dont want to quit and have to work for minimum when in six months I will have a salary. Maybe Im a romantic about the time weve been together but talks of the future are usually him talking.


Quite honestly, when you started posting I thought, "What's wrong with this woman?" The more you've posted the more sensible and truly likeable (for lack of a better) word you've become.

I just hope the boyfriend isn't saying the words he thinks you want to hear. I don't know that there's any guarantee, any sure fire way, to know.

I think you are being sensible in many ways. This is one of those situations that has to play itself out.

You also are one of the few who posts, listens to comments, answers questions, studies the answers (you don't have to like them, of course), ponders the issues.

I'm curious to see how this plays out.

I haven't had a chance to read through every post but I did want to ask if you have considered state assistance for your situation? I believe I read NY is where you are currently located? Programs and Services | OTDA (http://otda.ny.gov/programs/)

My wife just completed her RN degree a couple years ago. DON'T quit now. You have 6 months left, you've made it this far, the finish line is in sight. While my wife was going to school I supported our family by myself so I know how hard it can be and for the most part had daddy duties from the moment I got home from work to the moment I went back to work while my wife studied her rear off and it all has paid off. She makes more money than I do now (she has to tease me of course :) )

I do appreciate all of your comments... I really do :) I live in Washington and they say Im just over the limit for any help with what my ex gives me. I have looked for resources everywhere trust me. All I can do is try to make it until Im finished with school and then I have a job that is pretty much waiting for me which I'm so grateful for. I don't know what I should do about my boyfriend. As I stated I have been not speaking to him for a few days and just said I need some time to think. I just emailed him and was completely honest with him about my concerns. He may read it and choose not to talk to me and that will be it, but at least I will know. I just hope my wording was right unlike my original post where I came across as a selfish b****. Honestly Im trying to look for answers. I don't want to lose him but I may have to. Im sad because he really is a wonderful person, I just think we have too different lives and I don't know if we can find a resolution. Wish me luck on the email and I will keep you guys posted, I may need even more support once he read the email. Thanks again for the help and for being honest.

I haven't had a chance to read through each and every post but I did want to ask if you have considered state assistance for your situation? I believe I read NY is where you are currently located? Programs and Services | OTDA (http://otda.ny.gov/programs/)

My wife just completed her RN degree a couple years ago. DON'T quit now. You have 6 months left, you've made it this far, the finish line is in sight. While my wife was going to school I supported our family by myself so I know how hard it can be and for the most part had daddy duties from the moment I got home from work to the moment I went back to work while my wife studied her rear off and it all has paid off. She makes more money than I do now (she has to tease me of course :) )


How did I miss NY?

How did I miss NY?

Better yet, where did I come up with NY :s

EDIT: Sorry, been a very busy day. sbvandi you said that he hasn't met your children yet? Does he know about your children (sorry, without going back through the entire thread or assuming that you live in NY, how old are your kids, my curiousity)? I can understand wanting to limit the emotional attachment of your children to this man until a more solid commitment is made but he really should have a chance to meet and get to know your children. Absolutely your decision of course.

This is kind of a package deal (not meaning offense, I've been there) if he and you want something more long term. He's introduced you to his parents, may be time to consider introducing him to your children. By the way, how did the meet go with his parents (please tell me you met with his parents so I know I'm not going crazy over lack of sleep, on call this week).


You also are one of the few who posts, listens to comments, answers questions, studies the answers (you don't have to like them, of course), ponders the issues.

Hey now, I just needed to be hit upside the head with a brick to see clearly here ;)

Better yet, where did I come up with NY :s


"We" New Yorkers don't necessarily recognize any other State.

I wondered if the boyfriend has expressed a desire to meet the OP's children? I still can't decide if it's too soon or not.

Update: He didn't take the email very well. I haven't spoken to him yet, we are supposed to met tomorrow night to decide if we can pass through this obstacle. I don't know what he's going to say about me being hurt. All he said was "Sorry you feel that way we should talk Friday and see where we go from here" That was his text word for word... then nothing. I don't know how to do this. What should I say? And how?

Also he hasn't met my younger children, he did met my 18 yr old son because my son wanted to meet him. I just wanted to make sure we are going to be together and have a future before he meets them, the divorce was hard enough on them.

I wonder if not meeting your children is part of how he acts towards you.
If he only sees you without them around, does that mean he isn't even welcome in your home?
I'm not sure I understand this anyway - children should know who their mother is seeing even after a tough divorce, and should meet him, even if he doesn't spend a lot of time there.

I think the man sounds like he is either totally insensitive or he's a jerk.
If you are dating a woman for 8 months, sleeping with her, how can you not be concerned that she is getting food from a food bank and not just buy her some groceries or ask if she needs anything. That is just common decency. I would do that much for a friend or someone I know of.
Are sure sure he is not lying about his life? Something just does not add up. The man can't be that dense and uncaring if he really cares.

I have read the entire thread and everything seems to be getting picked up on, asked and answered in a timely manner... except one thing!

How can you; as a mother, be planning your future with this guy, when he has never met your children? I am unsure the ages of your children but regardless, your boyfriend will play a role in their lives if you do have a future with this man. Knowing how he acts around children, specifically your children, should be a must. As a mother, you should respect/care for no man that has no respect/care for your children.

Just my thought...

I have read the entire thread and everything seems to be getting picked up on, asked and answered in a timely manner....except one thing!

How can you; as a mother, be planning your future with this guy, when he has never met your children? I am unsure the ages of your children but regardless, your bf will play a role in their lives if you do have a future with this man. Knowing how he acts around children, specifically your children, should be a must. As a mother, you should respect/care for no man that has no respect/care for your children.

Just my thought...

I did mention that actually :S I can understand the need to protect younger children from an emotional attachment to a person you aren't sure that will be long term. I believe you need to get past this issue first and then when the concern of him not helping out is over then you can consider introducing him to your younger kids.

I did mention that actually :S I can understand the need to protect younger children from an emotional attachment to a person you aren't sure that will be long term. I believe you need to get past this issue first and then when the concern of him not helping out is over then you can consider introducing him to your younger kids.

I agree. One step at a time. I was talking in terms of the OP's feelings. How can you already want something when so many of the pieces of the puzzle haven't been put together.

I wonder if there were no sex involved would this be such an issue. I mean who even pays the bills of a friend with benefits? Or expects it? Would this guy even be around without the benefits?

Just asking with all due respects.

Good points all of you are making. We set a nine month timeframe and then he would meet them. Ive never introduced another man to my children as a "BF" or whatever you call it. I guess maybe Im being too overprotective. Anyway, I don't think it will matter and Im happy I waited because after expressing my concerns about his insensitivity toward me struggles he accused me of being a "Gold Digger". I find that hurtful since I have never blatantly ask him for money. I think if your going to be classified as a GD you actually have to ask for money. At any rate he didn't like being told that he has hurt me and took the easy way out by breaking up with me rather than to admit to himself that maybe he was wrong. IDK, but thanks for your comments. :)

I do have to say that as a mother, if I were single, and dating, I wouldn't bring every guy around to meet my kids, especially after a divorce.

I can understand why the OP is reluctant to introduce him to her kids, especially since he's being such an a$$.

Having said that, I still don't believe that he has to pay for anything. Should he, as a decent human being that supposedly cares about the OP? Yes. But he's not obligated to. That's the bottom line. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they have to pay for others to eat or have a roof over their heads. Would it be the nice decent thing to do? No one questions that, but does it automatically make him a creep because he doesn't? That's for the OP to decide.

Personally I'd rather have a poor man that cared then a rich one that stood by watching me and my children starve while rubbing his money in my face. But maybe I'm looking at this too closely. You see, I would never have gotten involved with this guy to begin with, he cares too much about money, and not enough about things that are important. Either that or he's completely clueless.

I think the man sounds like he is either totally insensitive or he's a jerk.
If you are dating a woman for 8 months, sleeping with her, how can you not be concerned that she is getting food from a food bank and not just buy her some groceries or ask if she needs anything. That is just common decency. I would do that much for a friend or someone I know of.
Are sure sure he is not lying about his life? Something just does not add up. The man can't be that dense and uncaring if he really cares.

That's exactly what I thought about the food bank thing, but because I said like you that any descent person would offer to help, he saw that as me asking him for money and there for Im a gold digger... idk

I do have to say that as a mother, if I were single, and dating, I wouldn't bring every guy around to meet my kids, especially after a divorce.

I can understand why the OP is reluctant to introduce him to her kids, especially since he's being such an a$$.

Having said that, I still don't believe that he has to pay for anything. Should he, as a decent human being that supposedly cares about the OP? Yes. But he's not obligated to. That's the bottom line. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they have to pay for others to eat or have a roof over their heads. Would it be the nice decent thing to do? No one questions that, but does it automatically make him a creep because he doesn't? That's for the OP to decide.

Personally I'd rather have a poor man that cared then a rich one that stood by watching me and my children starve while rubbing his money in my face. But maybe I'm looking at this too closely. You see, I would never have gotten involved with this guy to begin with, he cares too much about money, and not enough about things that are important. Either that or he's completely clueless.

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didn't ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch... idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didn't have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didnt ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch...idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didnt have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.

Sadly you can't make someone sensitive. You can't make someone care. He's obviously never struggled before, at least not financially. It's very possible that he just doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand how stressful it is when you get a bill you can't pay and they threaten to shut off your water.

Maybe you should suggest to him that he live in your shoes for a month. It would be a good lesson for him, and may just open his eyes a bit.

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didnt ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch...idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didnt have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.


I have heard "horror stories" from men with money about women they have met and dated, women who expect help with bills, child care, whatever else. The same from women with money who date men who directly or indirectly need/want money, a "loan," something else.

If the bank doesn't trust you why should I?

At any rate I'm sure there are two sides to this - yes, sounds like boyfriend is missing a sensitivity chip (who said that?). On the other hand OP was a friend with benefits - in his eyes. I think two people had two different sets of expectations.

Sad in many ways - I always regret the time I've spent when a relationship doesn't work out but as long as you learn something -

I have heard "horror stories" from men with money about women they have met and dated, women who expect help with bills, child care, whatever else. The same from women with money who date men who directly or indirectly need/want money, a "loan," something else.

If the bank doesn't trust you why should I?

At any rate I'm sure there are two sides to this - yes, sounds like bf is missing a sensitivity chip (who said that?). On the other hand OP was a friend with benefits - in his eyes. I think two people had two different sets of expectations.

Sad in many ways - I always regret the time I've spent when a relationship doesn't work out but as long as you learn something -

This is kind of what I was starting to get out of this. If his accountant advised against giving you a loan maybe there's more to this than him being an "insensitive" boyfriend. Maybe he wants to make sure you are in the relationship because of love and not his money?

Sadly you can't make someone sensitive. You can't make someone care. He's obviously never struggled before, at least not financially. It's very possible that he just doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand how stressful it is when you get a bill you can't pay and they threaten to shut off your water.

Maybe you should suggest to him that he live in your shoes for a month. It would be a good lesson for him, and may just open his eyes a bit.


Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

So true.

Sadly we only have her side of the story.

It would be very interesting to talk to the boyfriend in this drama.

So true.

Sadly we only have her side of the story.

It would be very interesting to talk to the bf in this drama.


Yes, it would be helpful.

Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

That was my thought.

I think the question when parents with children are dating always is when to meet the children, when to bring them into the children's lives.

I was always uncomfortable until there was a committed relationship.

People who don't want to meet the children may be giving a signal that it's not a serious relationship OR it may be a signal that they are children of divorce and don't want the "uncle boyfriend" in a child's life.

I've never had to face the issue of dating with children, thankfully I'm married to the father of my children, so it's not an issue. I can only base my opinion on that subject by how I feel.

Fact is, my kids are and always will be my family. Husbands sadly come and go, especially in today's society. Lovers come and go as well. But my kids are forever.

I would never subject my kids to boyfriends, if I should ever be in the position where I would be dating, until I knew that the boyfriend was someone I was seriously interested in, and he was serious as well.

Have to spread the rep but I agree Judy. I don't want the "Uncle Boyfriends" in my children's lives either. Thankfully that's not an issue. I hope it never is. Reminds me, I should book a complete physical for hubby. :)

I agree with both of you. Children should not be subjected to boyfriends until there is a serious commitment.
They don't need to see a revolving door of men/women in their parent's life.

I defer to those who have had the boyfriend-meeting-children situation. I have not.

I don't think the children need to meet 'the boyfriend' until it looks like he is going to be around for awhile or more involved in the mother's life. However, they do need to know she is dating. Do not suddenly spring a 'step-father' on the children. The children and the boyfriend deserve a chance to get to know each other without the added pressure of planning a wedding or moving in together.

I realize we are only getting one side of the story, but I think you dodged a major mess. I looked at how he spends money and I get the impression that it is all for show or tax benefits including supporting his ex. Charity is a deduction and 'drinks for colleagues' can be a business expense. I would bet that the ex is a Dependent. A loan for a friend/girlfriend wouldn't be tax deductible.

His thoughts that you should give up working after marrying him are also a red flag. He knows or should know how hard you are working to become a nurse. To ask you to give that up almost immediately after achieving your goal is self-serving for him. It isn't giving you encouragement while you support yourself.

I think you will do much better without the stress he has been adding to your life. Good luck finishing your classes. Whether you realize it or not you are a very strong individual and a great role-model for your children and others.

I figure after 8 months they would both be able to figure out what the boundaries are and if this was going to stay at a friends with benefits casual thing then that should have been made very clear before.

I think all of this building a future stuff was distracting, and premature since words and actions just didn't match. I think even in a casual dating thing, once the sex gets introduced as a steady thing, what self respecting guy wouldn't help his girl without that suspicious gold digger crap.

If he hadn't made a good gesture in 8 months then that should have told the OP to look elsewhere, or better handle her own business. The signs were there, but they were ignored. She even acknowledged it wasn't a committed relationship. At least not a solid one, just casual dating and some booty calls.

The problem was expecting help,and none came but continuing the relationship. Action was required then, but instead it was resentment and as we see this thing ended, because he had more options than she did. She should have dumped him long ago.

I don't see this as being about when to bring the kids into this because it simply never got that far.

Hey, Im back. I want to copy in the email I sent to him, which in turn he said I was a gold digger and then broke up with me. You have all helped so much and I would like your input on this email. To give you a back ground, I mention me birthday and how it mad me sad. The guy named Bri is my ex. Also I talk about a painting for his birthday and his room: I'm an artist and I have paintings in galleries around the country... my side job :) So I painted him a painting of two birds facing each other and their wings and breaks cross forming a heart in the middle, so I spent two days while he was out of town and painted him room and bathroom and bought matching bedding and curtains, it is beautiful. Also I talk of him giving me money, he did a couple times, like twenty or thirty dollars to pay for gas when I went to see him. Also I speak of Jeffery, he's my BFF and I texted my BF with some of these concerns one night. So, I think that's all you need to know before you read this. Let me know if I'm wrong... please be honest.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey babe, you are prob wondering why Im not speaking to you. Im going to be honest even though you won't prob understand and maybe thing Im a brat.

Two things have hurt me in the past week or so. I know my financial problem are not your issues and you do try to be an open ear for me when I need to vent.The other day when I got the news of my cable bill I told you I needed to go to the food bank. Im fine with going to the food bank, but my concern is this. Why would you stand by and watch me have to go? If I were in the same situation I would never want you to go to charity for basic needs. I would be embarrassed that I have to means to help but I just stood by and watch you. And on top of that, you sat and ate the chips from the food bank and commented on them being stale. I know you didn't mean anything by this and you were just joking, but it did make me realize that you really have no problem with me eating stale or rotten food. That realization made me think and it does hurt.

The other thing was my birthday. Im sorry if I seem stupid, but I did look forward to sharing my birthday with you. I thought of this guy that put so much thought into our first date, I only assumed that you would put some thought into my birthday. You made no plans and really seemed to be irritated to have to be there. I was upset when I realized that you had nothing planned and I tried to make the best of it. Im not talking about the sex because Im never disappointed with that and that night was amazing. I don't know what I expected but I thought you would've done something besides giving me a card and calling it good, although the card was good. The whole night I felt like I was putting you out. You told me that night before we did anything that you weren't a birthday person and I was hoping throughout the night that you were just trying to fool me because you did have something planned, also you didn't think if I was a birthday person, you only concentrated of the fact that you aren't. On your birthday I didn't have the money for a gift but I did paint you the painting and then did you room. Birthdays are a big deal to me. In the morning I woke up and couldn't breathe but you had the same attitude in the morning as you did the night before. I know your parents were in town and maybe they preoccupied your mind, but I wish you wouldve waited to celebrate if you felt you didn't want to be there. My parents came by on my birthday with cupcakes and sang me happy birthday and then they asked in anticipation what you got me and I said a card and they saw I was hurt. It was also sad that Bri made a bigger deal of it than you did, he brought breakfast and then came by again and brought dinner and a cake and a gift from the kids, but he planned it and it made me feel special. Even a small gift from the dollar store wouldve made me feel like you thought of me and it's that thought that wouldve made me feel good. Maybe you don't get it, but you used to think of me and I felt like you cared.

These things are combined with other concerns I have had in our relationship and its really made me think. I love you so much, but I don't feel valuable to you any longer. I just feel like maybe Im a hindrance for you. I have been trying to figure out how I feel the past couple of days and it all boils down to Im hurt. Im hurt because you seem like you don't care. You always try to tell me what I want to hear, but your actions seem to contradict you. I know you've given me some money lately, and I appreciate it, but I feel like Im putting you out and when you do give it to me I feel that way and I would rather not have it. In the text I sent you when I was with Jeffery the other night I knew what I was saying. The jest of it was that when I need help you don't realize it, or don't care. Like I said in the text I don't want to go on vacation and spend money when I can't pay my bills and I'm stressed about that. I don't want you to pay for a vacation when I can't enjoy it.

I don't really know if Im explaining myself very well. Im not asking you to pay my bills or to give me money, its not your prob. And I don't want our relationship to be based on that. Maybe we need to take a break until I get on my feet... idk. I don't think that will change my perception about value. I want a future with you but I feel like we are on different plains like I've said before. Im happy that you are stable and you work so hard to get there, I just feel like this difference between us is always going to be an issue. I wish everything would fall into place and we would be happy, but I can't get past your insensitive comment sometimes, and I don't even think you realize you are doing it, but you don't understand what I'm going through and Im sick of trying to make you understand. I am trying to remind myself that this isn't your issue its mine. Maybe this is about my insecurities.

I don't want this to make you feel bad but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I've tried to set it aside, but I did start thinking about things more in the last week. Im sorry if this hurts you, I don't want to hurt you. I know you might not understand me and I can't change that. You want me to be honest with you and I think I should be at this point in our relationship. You can take this and shake your head and think I'm being bit**y, but I can't change the fact that I am hurt. I have thought a lot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say, but I have to express my concerns and just let whatever happens to happen. Im still very hurt and upset and I don't want to talk about this. You don't have to respond to this I just thought I owed you an explanation about why Im quiet. You can take this and do what you want with it, I don't expect anything. Im sorry for feeling this way and I wish I didn't.

So he broke up with you after reading this email? If he couldn't understand what you were trying to say then it's good you found out what sort of person he is now, before you got too involved.

Good riddance to him. You can do better.

I thought it was a good letter. You expressed your concerns.
Personally I think you are not the only woman in his life and he was not as serious about you as he let on.
I think you have just spared yourself a lot of grief.

So I painted him a painting of two birds facing each other and their wings and breaks cross forming a heart in the middle, so I spent two days while he was out of town and painted him room and bathroom and bought matching bedding and curtains, it is beautiful. Also I talk of him giving me money, he did a couple times, like twenty or thirty dollars to pay for gas when I went to see him. Also I speak of Jeffery, he's my BFF and I texted my BF with some of these concerns one night. So, I think thats all you need to know before you read this. Let me know if I'm wrong...please be honest.


I don't know about the email but I DO know that having you come into my space when I wasn't there, painting and purchasing bedding and curtains would have me out of there. I dated someone exclusively for quite a while. What I didn't know is that he programmed my garage door opener into his car. I came home from work to find dinner on my kitchen table with a note that he was thinking of me.

I never saw him again. A little too creepy for me.

If you have no money why are you buying paint and bedroom linens for him?

Your utilties get shut off - but you have money for this guy?

Yikes.

I'm afraid that the bit about Bri killed it. If he's your ex and does a better job of making you feel special than the man you are currently calling your boyfriend, and you think that telling him all about it in detail is going to make him jump up and run over exclaiming how he will change his ways, then I think you are sadly mistaken about human nature in general.
Then there's the elaborate makeover of his room and bath (where? His place? YIKES)! If someone did that to my place without my OK I would be out the door in a second. And calling attention to how much work you put into a gift (plus money for bedding which you can't afford) to compare to his pathetic gifts is just not the way to change someone either.
So... maybe Bri is the man for you...

Okay to clarify, I have a key to his place and he said to come by if I wanted. He had just bought a new house and he was having me decorate it for him, so he knew that I was in and out while he was gone, bringing in furniture when it was delivered and so on. Also I meant to say that I didn't buy the linens or paint, he had bought the paint earlier and I all ready had the linens because my mom bought them for me at a garage sales and they were the wrong size for my bed. The Bri thing was insensitive I have to admit :/

But after saying that, why am I considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?

But after saying that, why am i considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?

Only he can answer that. You did mention money a lot in your email, and the fact that you resent that you have to go to the food bank and he doesn't help out, that he didn't get you a birthday gift, etc. etc.

I know that you didn't mean it that way, but he doesn't know that. It does sound like your saying "why won't you help me out by giving me some money"?

The fact is, you're struggling and you resent him for not helping you out. He's doing well and he resents you for expecting him to help you out. You're better off apart since you both resent each other.

But after saying that, why am i considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?


I think he was looking for a doorway out, an exit. Anything would have "worked" for him. He's using the email as a reason, nothing more, nothing less.

I don't think he thinks you are a gold digger. That was his excuse. Like I said before, I think he was not as serious about you as he let on. You were convenient. He could have sex and not have to give anything in return.
You are probably not the only woman in his life.

Only he can answer that. You did mention money a lot in your email, and the fact that you resent that you have to go to the food bank and he doesn't help out, that he didn't get you a birthday gift, etc. etc.

I know that you didn't mean it that way, but he doesn't know that. It does sound like your saying "why won't you help me out by giving me some money"?

The fact is, you're struggling and you resent him for not helping you out. He's doing well and he resents you for expecting him to help you out. You're better off apart since you both resent each other.

Good point thank you

This guy sounds like a player to me.
You are better off.

People don't have to break in in order to violate your space. I would resent coming home and finding my home redecorated to your taste. He has money - maybe he doesn't want to redecorate with items your mother found at a garage sale.

I think your email is all about money, money, money. A card from the Dollar Store? Not just "a card?" I think the shot about your "ex" is just that. A shot.

And when I found out you were discussing our relationship with "friends and family"... "I have thought alot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say..." Goodbye.

People don't have to break in in order to violate your space. I would resent coming home and finding my home redecorated to your taste. He has money - maybe he doesn't want to redecorate with items your mother found at a garage sale.

I think your email is all about money, money, money. A card from the Dollar Store? Not just "a card?" I think the shot about your "ex" is just that. A shot.

And when I found out you were discussing our relationship with "friends and family" ... "I have thought alot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say..." Goodbye.

I have to say that I agree.

The entire email was about money, you don't help me, you see me struggling, you eat the chips I get at the food bank, but you don't care that I have to eat rotten food, you didn't get me anything for my birthday, I do so much for you, etc. etc.

And the parts about the ex, well you, those were meant to hurt and wound, and obviously it worked.

I do have to admit that if I were in this relationship, and I was the one with money, I would have seen this email as a way of making me feel guilty for not writing a cheque every time you need something. You really did make it sound like you do so very much for him, and he does nothing for you.

Not to be unkind, but from the beginning I thought you were a bit of a gold digger. Not that you're looking to get rich, but let's all remember why you started this thread. You were, and still are, upset that you're struggling and your rich boyfriend doesn't help out financially. You do expect him to help out, otherwise why would you be upset that he doesn't? I said it then and I still do believe that you have no right to expect him to help you out.

I changed course a bit because of the information you posted, and the fact that you're willing to listen (we don't get that a lot on this site). I don't think he's a good boyfriend, I don't think you should be involved with him, but not because he won't help you out with money. I don't think that should be an issue, yet the majority of your email to him was about exactly that, money, the fact that he has it, and you don't, and you resent him for not giving you some.

I don't see it that way at all.
I think the guy is a creep and you were giving it up and he did not have to do anything for it but throw you a few crumbs.
I see nothing wrong with after seeing someone for 8 months and he is talking about marriage and knows you are getting food from the food bank, expecting him to offer something.
I think the guy is insensitive but I also think you were seeing what you wanted to see and not seeing that you mean nothing to him. Your decorating his room is in my opinion immaterial, the guy was just not going to do anything for you because you did not mean that much to him.

I don't see it that way at all.
I think the guy is a creep and you were giving it up and he did not have to do anything for it but throw you a few crumbs.
I see nothing wrong with after seeing someone for 8 months and he is talking about marriage and knows you are getting food from the food bank, expecting him to offer something.
I think the guy is insensitive but I also think you were seeing what you wanted to see and not seeing that you mean nothing to him. Your decorating his room is in my opinion immaterial, the guy was just not going to do anything for you because you did not mean that much to him.

See, I agree with that as well.

When my husband and I were dating we were both in school, struggling, but we both lived at home rent free, so we really only had minor expenses like gas, insurance, etc.

But there were times when one of us couldn't afford even that. When I was in college I had no income, college was my full time career, and I paid for that, didn't get paid. Many times if I was short on money my then boyfriend (now husband) would lend me some money. But, it was always a loan. We weren't married, and I hated asking for anything, but he'd offer, and I'd pay him back. That situation was also reversed many times, where I'd have money and he wouldn't, and I'd lend him money.

The thing is, it was always a loan because we weren't married.

That's where I have a problem with this, and it may just be the way the OP has written it. To me it sounds like she expects him to pay her bills, get her a nice gift for her birthday, buy her food, etc. etc. because he has money, and she's not working. It doesn't sound like she wants help, that she'll pay back, it sounds like she wants a handout. He's not responsible for that. He's not her husband. He's only been with her for 8 months.

I'm not saying this guy is boyfriend material. Personally I think he's a jerk. But not because of the money thing. It's his money. Rich or not, he earns it. She has no right to it, and she has no right to expect him to pay for the things she needs. If he were her husband, that would be a different story. If they were living together that would be a different story. But really, how serious can they be? He gets sex, she expects money. He hasn't even met her kids! I think that's a good idea, but it does say that the OP isn't that serious about this relationship either. Since neither of them seem to be that serious, why should she get financial help from him?

I don't see her being that way or saying that.
I see her as being hurt because she has a boyfriend who has money, has no problem bragging about how much he spends on stuff and sees her struggling and jokes about the food bank food being stale and not offering anything. That is just cold. He is telling her he wants a future with her, yet he sees her struggling offers no help and only gives her a card for her birthday. That is just cold.
I don't think she understands how he could be this way. I don't understand it either. Except he cares nothing for her, has no intention of marrying her, she is just a port call.

I don't see her being that way or saying that.
I see her as being hurt because she has a boyfriend who has money, has no problem bragging about how much he spends on stuff and sees her struggling and jokes about the food bank food being stale and not offering anything. That is just cold. He is telling her he wants a future with her, yet he sees her struggling offers no help and only gives her a card for her birthday. That is just cold.
I don't think she understands how he could be this way. I don't understand it either. Except he cares nothing for her, has no intention of marrying her, she is just a port call.

But see that's all hearsay. She told us that he said he wants a future with her, but from everything she's written about him, that's not what I see at all. To me it sounds like he wanted a girlfriend, someone to take out once in a while, someone to have sex with, and she agreed.

Really, how much of a future could they have planned, he didn't even meet her kids.

The more I think about this the more I think that she wanted someone to help her financially, without giving anything emotionally, and he wanted a companion. She did what she did to keep him in her life, and he didn't give anything of monetary value because she never meant that much to him.

They're both to blame here. He's to blame because he made her think there was more to the relationship than sex. She's to blame because she wanted him to help her financially, and I don't really think she was in love, at least not with him. I really don't think either of them loved the other, they were both using each other for their own means, sadly, she didn't get what she wanted out of this relationship, which is money.

Could be, and without his input, we will never know.

Could be, and without his input, we will never know.

So true.

The fact is, it's over, and that's what needed to happen for both of them. That much is clear. :)

No one wants to hear anything happy so I will keep it to myself

. We ate dinner and talked ALOT. He asked me not to say anything if he wants to do things for me or give me money. I am supposed to just accept and that he would feel better if I didn't say a word. I agreed reluctantly. He in turn asked for me not to speak of any of my money troubles with him, I agreed especially cause its not his problem and I should be sensitive that it may make him feel bad. Our conversation when on about what we want from our relationship, how we can improve, and how we can move on with our future. I went to bed WITH him happy :)
I need help with this extra tidbit, this morning I when down to do dishes and I realized he had filled my fridge and cupboards with a ton of food :) Thank God, and I was so happy because he thought about it and it meant so much because he actually went grocery shopping :) But then I opened a cupboard and there was a note that said to open my computer, so I did and there was an envelope that said, "you promised not to say anything" I opened it and there was a check for a lot of money. WTF am I supposed to do? I called him, (because he had already left, he only flew in for 12 hours, but he said he needed to see me) and told him I couldn't accept that. Then he said that I promised not to say anything if he wanted to give me something....he said to cash it so I didn't have to worry anymore and that we can just concentrate on me finishing school and us moving forward. I dont know what to do? Many of you do think Im selfish and digging for gold, so I dont know what message it will give if I do cash it, I feel weird about it and I told him that. His response was that he took a deposit slip out of my checkbook which was just sitting in my stack of bills and that if I didnt cash it he would just deposit it.

I know I started out complaining about how I struggle and need help, but now that I got help I feel even worse. I guess it's ironic idk. Some may look at this and say he's trying to control he (that may be true) and some may think I a b**** for even sharing this. All I know is I want to believe that we are moving forward and that he looked at my emails(I sent him another one) and decided he wanted this. Im so grateful for his generosity but I don't want to do the wrong thing. Do I accept the money, and be quiet and move on, or do I tell him I don't want it cause I feel weird. I don't want to hurt him since he went through all this trouble and how much thought he put into this. IDK....



I hate to be so frank but I think this entire thread should be entitled "once upon a time."

Right to the point - either this is true and your head is buried in the sand.

OR this is not true and everyone has spent a lot of time, only to be scammed.

Your story has twisted and turned. Suddenly the plan all along was for him to move in, to meet your children, have an office in your house. That was most definitely not the case up to now. If it is true that he gives you money and food in exchange for sex the word that comes to my mind isn't gold digger. Oh, wait, that's two words.

What do I think? You know what I think.

Let's see what someone else thinks.

I'm an investigator. My spidey senses started tingling a while ago. They are now tingling loud and clear.

Okay? Well I do appreciate all the help, I am surprised by last night, it is true... sorry you don't believe me... I guess I didn't explain all the details of our relationship. I don't like that fact that you (Judy) think Im lying. Doesn't really matter. If anyone else has some actual advice about that I should do let me know...

I'm not buying it.

I'm not saying that last night didn't happen, I'm sure it did. What I'm not buying is that this guy did such a complete turnaround in one night. He went from an uncaring unfeeling jerk, to someone that begged you to let him help you out, wrote a huge check and filled up your fridge. People don't change that quickly.

I have a feeling he wasn't the jerk you made him out to be throughout this whole post. In fact, I'm beginning to think the bad one in the relationship wasn't him at all.

Why did you never mention that you were planning on moving him into your home, that he'd be helping with the bills when that happened, that he was going to meet your children etc. etc. You never once mentioned this before now.

I think you're lying. I just don't know if you're lying to us about everything, lying to him, or lying to yourself.

okay? well I do appreciate all the help, I am surprised by last night, it is true...sorry you dont believe me...I guess I didn't explain all the details of our realtionship. I don't like that fact that you (Judy) think Im lying. Doesn't really matter. If anyone else has some actual advice about that I should do let me know...

We don't believe you because it makes no sense.

You painted him as this rich jerk that never did anything for you. Now we're supposed to believe that in one night he completely changed his personality, filled your house with flowers, filled your fridge with food, gave you a ring, and a lot of money? Doesn't make sense because people don't change that drastically over night. He went from calling you a gold digger to handing over the gold? Doesn't make sense.

So either he was always like this, and you lied about the type of person he was, or you're lying about it now. Either way, this new behavior doesn't mix with the guy you were telling us about from the beginning of your thread.

As for what you should do. Cash the check. That's what you wanted from the beginning, the title of your thread says it all "I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help". Well, he's helping now, so your issues are solved.

I told everyone that we talked of a future, sorry I wasn't specific. I guess I will just figure out what to do on my own. Thanks for the helpful comments. I didn't expect last night and I am shocked about the turn around, I do feel bad I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Im not going to accept the money but I am happy that I was wrong about him. Im feeling like if someone posts a problem and it comes to a happy ending then it might not be as good because I sure felt the support when things were going wrong, but now that something went right... now its my fault. I don't get the negativity? I have received a lot of help through this thread and I thank you.

I told everyone that we talked of a future, sorry i wasnt specific. I guess I will just figure out what to do on my own. Thanks for the helpful comments. I didn't expect last night and I am shocked about the turn around, I do feel bad I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Im not going to accept the money but I am happy that I was wrong about him. Im feeling like if someone posts a problem and it comes to a happy ending then it might not be as good because I sure felt the support when things were going wrong, but now that something went right...now its my fault. I dont get the negativity? I have received alot of help through this thread and I thank you.


The "negativity" is because your story kept changing - Alty summed it up best.

If you don't understand, read your own posts from beginning to end and see what you would think were you a stranger - ?

I hope I'm wrong. I hope you're sincere. Whatever the case, whether you needed support for some reason, needed friends, needed an outlet, made up a story, I wish you well.

I told everyone that we talked of a future, sorry i wasnt specific. I guess I will just figure out what to do on my own. Thanks for the helpful comments. I didn't expect last night and I am shocked about the turn around, I do feel bad I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Im not going to accept the money but I am happy that I was wrong about him. Im feeling like if someone posts a problem and it comes to a happy ending then it might not be as good because I sure felt the support when things were going wrong, but now that something went right...now its my fault. I dont get the negativity? I have received alot of help through this thread and I thank you.

The negativity is because we feel like we were played, that we were lied to.

If this is what you want, then of course I'm happy for you, but look at it from our point of view.

You told us all what a jerk this guy is, how he's never done anything for you. We all agreed that even though he doesn't owe you any money to help you out, he's insensitive, and obviously not in love with you. You agreed with us. Now we're suddenly supposed to believe that this man that treated you like dirt for 8 months has done a complete 180 and he's suddenly the sweetest, kindest, most caring guy in the world, writing you cheques, lavishing you with gifts, asking you to marry him, when he hasn't even met your kids, filling up your fridge, etc. etc.

Let me put it to you this way. Someone posts on this site that they have a mangy dog, it bites, it growls, it doesn't listen. After many pages of conversation with this person, she continues to tell us horror stories of what this dog has done, that she's tried everything, she doesn't know what to do. We all tell this person she's out of her league, needs to find a new home for the dog because she can't handle it and all its issues. She agrees. Well, not even a day after she decides to get rid of the dog she comes home one night to find the dog sitting nicely waiting for her, wagging his tail, licking her face, obeying her every command. Would you believe her?

All I can say is thank you for the help, Im sorry if you feel like you wasted your time because he did make a complete 180. I didn't expect it and I don't need to hear anymore comments putting me in a bad light because it didn't turn out the way you all wanted. Im just going to be happy that I got the help from you guys when I needed it and now I can move on.

Not one person said that we were upset because of the way it turned out. If you're happy, we're happy. I'm not at all upset that he turned out to be a nice guy. I for one always doubted that he was as horrible as you made him sound.

I hope it all works out for you, and I'm glad that you finally got what you wanted.

I just wish you could have been more honest with us. A lot of people invested a lot of time, and even shed some tears, because of your story. Now we find out that he was never the monster you made him out to be. Either that or you're trying to fool us again, by completely changing the story.

Good luck.

it didnt turn out the way you all wanted.
How did they all want it to turn out?

How did they all want it to turn out?


I HATE it when you use my carefully formulated answer before I carefully formulate it!

All has turned out well, and another work week approaches.

This thread is closed.