I am in need of some advice. I was with my girlfriend for 6 years before she broke up with me. We were living together and saving to buy a house. I was considering proposing at christmas. We had our problems but I never thought we would ever break up. She broke up with me because I had started a new course which meant I was around as often and the time that we did spend together all we did was argue. We had begun to take each other for granted and I admit that I did think she would always be there. I thought there was nothing that we couldn't work through so I was devastated when we broke up. She claimed she hadn't been happy for 6 months but I know its because I put my course above her (the first time anything has ever come before her) and she couldn't handle me not being there. There were other problems too but all the regular relationship troubles. I moved out the next day.

Anyway, we didn't really talk for a month and when we did I was a mess. She seemed to carry on like normal and even go out partying. I decided to take a trip to get away from it all so was gone a month. I stopped contact and had a good month. When I was away she emailed me saying how she couldn't believe how much she missed me and she wanted to start dating again.

I got home and we had a good couple of weeks. Then she started to act distant. She is a busy person but she would not contact me some days and other days just a text (when we were together we were a couple who talked many times a day). She goes out all the time with her friends while I am busy with my course. I have no problem with her going out but while we were broken up I am pretty sure she got close with someone. I have confronted her about this, she tells me that nothing happened and she is not intereseted in him in that way. They sometimes still meet up to play pool. I do trust that she is telling the truth but I don't have the confidence that I'm the one she wants anymore.

I told her I am not happy about the situation and she asked for a 'criteria' of what I want. I gave her this and said that I'm not willing to put up with the relationship how it is and I want to be happy with her but in a committed relationship. The relationship has always been me 60% and her 40% and that has never bothered me. She says she needs time and needs to figure out whether this is what she wants and to see whether this is right.

Do I allow her this time or do I just leave it? Its 5 months since we broke up now. This girl is so special to me and I believe she is the one. Can I forgive her for what happened or am I just hanging onto good memories rather than realising this is not working for me?

Thanks for the advice.
Ricky

How old are the two of you? Have either of you dated other people or been in other serious relationships?
How much time are you willing to give her to decide? Has there been any contact in the 5 months you have been broken up?

If she is still trying to decide whether she wants a serious relationship with you after 5 months, I think it is time for you to move on.

What has she been doing in the last 5 months? If you haven't been in contact, chances are she has moved on herself already.

You didn't make it work after 6 years, and can't figure it out after an additional 5 months, yeah I would say its time to move on and do your thing without her like she is doing without you.

We are both 25, we have been in constant contact apart from when I was away. Things are kind of how they were now, just minus the intimacy and we are not living together. She has dated others in the past but I haven't really. I really love this girl but I'm tired of the situation not being confirmed either way and it is starting to seriossly damage my confidence. I don't want to lose her though. I'm really confused.

You have waited five months guy and their have been no real changes, so you are an ex to her, while she moves on to do her thing. You have already lost her, but continue to hold out false hope.

I suppose when you get tired of waiting, you to will move on. You are free to explore your world, and take in other options, and opportunities to be happy, but you have to want to be happy without her.

Disappear, and stop all this needless contact.

Ok, so after thinking about it for a long time I decided to really confront her about it. I told her that I was not happy and that things had to change. I said to her that I was tired of being the one making the effort and that this part of my life did not make me happy. She became upset and we talked for a few hours. She said that she does not want to lose me and loves me more than she ever has anyone she just wants to wait and see if this is right because before the end of the break up she was miserable and does not want to be in the same position weeks or years down the line. I told her that it is always going to be a risk but if you want to be with someone then you have to take it. She told me she is too confused to decide this now. I told her that the relationship is over until her mind is made up either way. I asked her not to contact me. This was 2 days ago and she hasn't so why can I not stop thinking about her? I did the right thing right?

I'd say you did the right thing. She is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship, by her own admission. It seems as though she does indeed like you, but it isn't enough for her to make that commitment.

I don't know if she is wanting to see if the grass is greener elsewhere before she makes up her mind or not, but to leave you waiting, for an undetermined amount of time, is simply not realistic or fair to you.

If, after some time, you want to remain in contact, that is up to you. It may be that this relationship was simply one along the way towards meeting someone who is on the same page as you are.

She may be wonderful in many aspects, but if she isn't sure or ready, and you are wanting more of a relationship, there really is little choice but to end it.

It is perfectly natural that you will continue to think about her... did you really think it would automatically stop?. :) Breaking-up, and making it more official, is hard, especially when you had hoped it would have turned out differently.

You will move on, you will meet other people, and you will start to think about her less and less. At some point, who knows, maybe things will turn around and you will reconnect, or she will become a girl, whom you really cared about, that you once dated.

Focus on spending time with your friends and family, and on your course work.

Of course you did the right thing for yourself. And it is normal to still feel attachments from before, and also second guess yourself.

Its never easy saying good bye to the past for any one, but now at least for you, the limbo is over, and you no longer have to be miserable with false hope, or waiting for something that didn't appear to be happening.

We never know what will happen, but with a proper healing you will at least be able to see and explore better options, and opportunities to be happy, as you build a life that you enjoy without her in it, with friends and family, and activities that you can now enjoy to the fullest.

You are free, and that means a lot.

Update on my situation. I went away for a while. When I got back she wanted to see and things started going really well for like a week. Then she found texts from another girl on my phone and hit the roof. She said we are definitely over and stormed out. She went out that night and ran into one of my friends who she ended up having an argument with as my friend was defending me. He then called me and told me about this and how she was in the bar with another guy that same evening. I confronted her about this and she said it is an old school friend who is married with a kid who was cheering her up. Is this bull****? I sent her an angry text ask her to leave me alone from now. Did I do the right thing or am I in the wrong in the first place for texting another girl? At the end of the day she broke up with me right!

I sent her an angry text ask her to leave me alone from now. Did I do the right thing or am I in the wrong in the first place for texting another girl? At the end of the day she broke up with me right!

You have done right if you stick to your guns, and not be drawn into more of her drama, and BS... AGAIN!!

Turns out it was just a friend she was with and I believe her. Now she is saying that I have completely disrespected her and she is too angry to be with me. Is this just easing her guilt at ending it in the first place or have I genuinely hurt her?

Its probably both guy, and that's exactly what I meant by drama, and BS. That's exactly why when you get dumped, you disappear.

So what should I do, I love this girl!

She don't love you, or want you.

Update, so after a week of talking she has decided that she can't deal with this now and neds to concentrate on her for a while. I really do love this girl and all this drama has just made me realise that I truly do want to be with her. She is now ignoring my calls and texts and not getting back to me. She talks to me occasionally but is still upset and it ends up with her saying that this is too hard. I finding it really hard to concentrate on anything and am going to struggle to move on. What should I do? I really want her bck but am I'm just finding myself hurting again.

Sooner or later you will be tired of hurting and realize no matter how bad you want her, you are not going to get her, and stop hurting yourself.

I really don't know what to do now. She is having nothing to do with me and I am making the situation worse by keep trying to get in contact with her. She is using this reason as the basis to not talk to me or have anything to do with me. I love this girl and cannot understand how someone can cut you out of their life so quickly when you have been such a big part of it. What should I do now? Its driving me crazy thinking what I may have lost, but she won't listen. I keep trying to tell her she is the one I want to be with but she won't listen. This has put me in a bad way.

You put yourself in a bad way by not being in control of yourself, and forcing what you want on someone that wants no part of it.

Now leave her alone why don't you? Geez when you see your way ain't working and making things worse, stop doing it!

I've have stopped contact with her now and am going to try and make sure I keep to it. Yeah I know my way wasn't working but it was more torture being in limbo than where I am now. At least now I can try to get my head straight and try to get over this girl.

Good for you... remember when you said you had a good month awhile back when you had no contact?. focus on that again. Now, even more then before, you know that she is done with the relationship.

It sounds as though she has been slowly breaking away for sometime. Not happy for the last 6+ months, frequent arguing, out partying and spending more time with her friends than with you, and not contacting you for extended periods. I think the current situation gave her an out and she has taken it. She can now put the blame on your behavior for ending the relationship. So be it.

Stick with the no contact... she has made it clear that she is no longer interested so continuing will only cause you more pain and frustration.

Of course it is hard to let a relationship go, but think about it... for awhile now, it hasn't been the sort of relationship you probably really want to be in anyway has it?

Get out with friends and family, focus on work and your studies. It will get easier as you turn your attention elsewhere.

Yeah I know my way wasn't working but it was more torture being in limbo than where I am now.

Being in limbo is a choice, torture is an option. You can opt out of them both whenever you want to.

Ok so I've gone just under a week without contacting her. It's really difficult. Every time your low you feel the need to get in contact with that person. She has not contacted me either, which in truth annoys me. Do I just try to make a clean break or give her a little more time and then try to contact?

Its only been a week so the feelings are still fresh, but focus on doing your own thing, and the things you enjoy, and see how you feel in 6 months.

That's the goal, 6 months of NC!!

Thanks for your advice. I had a bit of a nightmare situation. I was out with my friends on Saturday night and I ended up bumping into one of her friends. They were saying how depressed and lonely she has been acting since this happened and how they can see us getting back together as its obvious we love each other. The next day I was shopping in the supermarket and she was there. I genuinely didn't know or even think there was a chance of seeing her as this is not the one she often goes to. She gave me a big hug and we chatted for 5 minutes. Then it got into the conversation about us. I told her I was in love with her and wanted thisto work. She said that she loved me but was unsure whether she was in love with me. She then started going on about how eerything that happened with texting another girl has just confused her to which she doesn't knoww what she wants. She said the only thing that is certain is that she doesn't want this right now. We kind of ended that conversation badly. I text her saying I never wanteed to argue and she said that maybe she feel differently one day and that she hoped I was OK. I stupidly sent her a text saying I just wanted to be with her, from which I never heard a reply. I'm unsure of what to do next. Should I maintain no contact and try and get over her? She is all I think about.

She said the only thing that is certain is that she doesn't want this right now.

Pretty obvious to me, why can't you see that?

Rickytarr... it is so hard to let go of a relationship when you are wanting it to work out. If she was interested in getting back with you, she would do so. She is unsure of what she wants, so best to let her be so that you both can move on. Who knows what time may bring, but waiting for her to come back to you does neither of you any good.

You have made it clear to her how you feel, now it is time to leave her alone... as difficult as that may be. Of course you think about her all the time, that is perfectly natural. You can't expect to just stop, but you will likely find it helpful to try and focus your thoughts elsewhere. Work, school, friends, family, trying something new, exercise, whatever. Yes, she will come into your thoughts now and then, but don't take that as meaning you have to be with her. Little by little, you will move on. Give it time... expect some good days and bad days, but it will get easier.

Quick update on how its going. Managed to go 2 weeks NC then sent a silly text only saying 'Coffee this weekend?' on Friday. She replied saying a time. I didn't text back. I then saw a picture of her laughing with another guy. This made me feel sick and I decided that meeting up was not a good idea. She asked why and I said that it seems like she is doing OK from the pictures and I genuinely wished her all the best for the future. She then sends me loads of texts asking what I meant bla bla, to which I just responded seen the pictures and we over now and I'm done with this relationship. The next day she tries to ring me 9 times. I didn't answer or contact her back once. This was yesterday. It's weird because I now have a feeling of being able to walk away from this knowing I did everything I could to save it and ultimately it was her who chose otherwise. The truth is I do love her and used to respect her. I just can't do with her mind games. My next question would be how do I proceed? Like I said I do really love her but also don't want to be with someone who has put me through what she has. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as always.

Go back to NC, and don't break it this time, and stay off any social network pages. Its not her fault you are stuck, and she is doing her thing. But it does show you have much healing to do yet, so get to it.

You don't have the confidence that you are the one she wants anymore? It is obvious that you are not the one she wants anymore, that is why there was a break up. However, it is time to move on, you have done a decent job at going no contact, keep this up. Let her feel the loneliness of her decision, the partying is just a front to make herself feel better, you do things to make YOU feel better, she will survive on her own. Also, concentrate on your courses, they should be your priority at this time. You are hanging on in the past and you being used to how things were, it is time for a fresh start.

Quick update on how its working out. She continued to keep calling me last week. It was 10 phone calls a night for 4 nights, all of which I ignored. She then started ringing my home asking my parents where I was. She eventually tricked me into answering the phone. She called from an unknown number and from the nature of my job I get a lot of calls from unknown numbers, so I had to pick up. She then starts shouting at me down the phone etc. I keep calm and say that this is achieving nothing. She then hangs up, sends me a couple of insulting texts and I didn't here from her again for a week. I didn't reply or text her in this time. She then texts apologising but saying that she was not happy I would only talk to her on my terms. She then tries to say how she would never treat me the same... bla bla bla. I didn't allow the argument to continue. I kept calm and told her that this was ultimately her decision and now I'm trying to get on with my life like she has been for the last 7 months. She then invites me to go to a gig next week. I say I'm away (which I am) and she gets angry yet again. Im pretty sure this relationship is past salvaging. I do love her but I really think she needs to grow up a bit and realise you can't talk and treat people the way she has. Obviously Im still having some bad days when I think about her but I'm trying to stay strong and ultimately attempt to get over her. She is just playing games right?

Sure she is. Its called having her cake and eating it too, keeping you miserable, confused, and available for her emotional needs, while not having to meet yours.

You done good grasshopper. There is hope for you, and NOT just the false hope she wants you to go for.

Quick update on my situation as need advice. I was doing really well, hadn't spoke to my ex in a while and was beginning to get myself sorted. I have met a nice girl who I really like and really likes me and things are going well. Then I get a phonecall from my ex, we had to sort out our savings as this was still not done, so I answered the call. Organised the savings, very formal phonecall. She then tells me that she is having tests as they may think that she has cancer. This is an awful thing to hear but I have an awful feeling that it isn't true. Now if it isn't true then the best thing that could have possibly happened to me was getting out of the relationship, but if it is how do I deal with it? I want to be there for her during this but it does not change that we are not together anymore and might as well be complete strangers. Rock - me - hardplace. Any advice would be great.

Continue as you have until you hear more of what may or may not be going on. IF it turns out that she does have cancer, it doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. You can be supportive and caring from a distance.

IF you find out that what she has said isn't true, then, as you said, you'll know that ending the relationship was the best thing.

Okay you sorted out your finances with her, end of story. You are not caught between a rock and hard place, your feelings are, so deal with the feelings, and leave the girl ALONE!

You are no longer her emotional tampon where she gives you bad news, and you help her through it.

Quick update. Turns out that it she is going to be fine and the cancer was removed. I have met someone new and I really like this new girl. The only problem is that I keep thinking of my ex, it just doesn't seem to stop. She contacts me now and again by text, mainly which I ignore. She then rings me from an unknown number and we end up chatting. I really love her and wish so bad that things that had worked out diffferently. I know she loves me and I do her but there is no way that we can work this out. Its like she doesn't want me but can't let me go. How do I stop thinking about her? I don't want to mess the new girl around as she is great and does not deserve it. I also know that I will only probably get one chance with this new girl so don't want to mess it up. What should I do?

Old feelings will always be stirred up as long as you have any contact, or conversations with her. That's how it works, so cut contact, and the feelings will fade. Don't answer those unknown numbers, let them go to voice mail/message, so you can screen them properly.

No matter how bad you want to move on, its going to be a while before the memories of this 6 year relationships fades. Stay busy, stay focused.

In addition to what talaniman said, you could also just tell her to please not contact you anymore. Let her know that you have moved on, you are seeing someone new, and then wish her well.

Funny how time is a great healer and looking back gives you fresh perspective. I'm now engaged with my first child just having been born to a girl I consider to be everything I have ever wanted or do want. The relationship described above, although long and painful set me up for the best relationship in my life. I haven't seen or heard from the above girl for 2 years and honestly could not care less. Thank you to everyone who tried to help me through a difficult time. Life is good!

I love it when the plan works out for the best. Thanks for the update.

Congrats! Yes, time is certainly a great healer... enjoy that new baby!