My new wife looks so hot with she dresses in her short skirt and tights. She is open and friendly, she is asian and new to this country want to improve her english, always polite and worries about offending people.
I am a little insecure about my appearance as I am a little overweight. On occasions I have noticed that she takes notice if an OK looking guy walks past, it does bother me.
Because of her nature I am worried the guys who are much braver than me in approaching women will try to 'score' and my wife just thinking she is making a new friend who could help with her english. She just doesn't see the danger in this. I just see it as potential threat. We have talked about this an it usually end up with her being upset thinking that I am just a jealous guy. Perhaps I am. How do I approach this? Any help will be welcome.

Well stop being so insecure for one.

You always questioning her, is not good. It will just show that you are jealous and instead of staying with you. She will eventually find someone else because of the way you have acted.

You are newly married and already worried about her. She is sexy, guys will look or want to score but guess what. It is her decision on whether she does anything with anybody.

I would assume marriage means something to both of you, how long have you known her for?

Just because she looks hot does not mean anything, just because you have self esteem issues about yourself are your own issues. Stop making it hers too.

Thanks
I have know her a short time really, she has a teenage daughter so I know she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the marriage.

You are right, insecurity is my problem. I am just afraid that if she accepts an invitation for coffee from on of these, currently fictional, guys they will see at 'that was easy' but again she will see it as gaining a friend. And of course, now she knows my thinking will be hesitant in talking to me about it... but I know I can't say, you are not allowed to have friends... just not male friends. I feel sick just thinking about the 'what ifs'. Therapy right?


She made the comment after seeing photos of my family, 'Oh, your brother is more handsome than you'. When I mentioned it hurt my feelings, she said it was just a joke.

I want to talk to her more about want she thinks and how she feels about different things so I can get to be comfortable with her/my feelings, but the more I ask her questions then more it seems I am being a being paranoid by making up scenarios in my head. Therapy, I know.

Counseling is important. You know what do not think that your alone. We have all needed guidance and one point or another in life. What needs to be figured out is why are you so stuck on the what ifs. Friends do not equal sex. Why do you think that she will be that easy?

Do you have female friends? How does your wife feel about female friends.

Be quite honest with you I have been married for 5 years. My wife knows that I get along with women better then men. Most of my friends are women, not men. Does that mean I want to have sex with any of my women friends, or have some sort of relationship with any of my women friends. The answer is no.

You need to stop thinking of the what ifs, and start thinking about what is there with you right now. Your married, you have a step daughter and friends can be just friends.

The what ifs might never happen and if they ever did then deal with it then, but what your doing is creating a problem that does not even exist... Which will and might send your wife running else where. I know you do not want that.

Good luck with everything and get some counseling that will help you work through your issues. Hope you work past them and actually enjoy your marriage...

"New wife"

I would have that you guys worked all of this out before.

But..

I would communicate with her how you feel when she acts or says those things. Make a times to do that. Don't shove stuff under the carpet.
That's a bad start. Honesty is always best.

And also take a look at yourself and your insecurities. Lots of button pushing going on.

All good relationships are built on trust. Whether it be romantic or not. Friends, family, co-workers, whoever.

Get on this one before it turns into something else.

Be honest with her how you feel. Why did u guys get married if you didn't know anything about her? And her you? I have learned that being jealous only makes it worse. You have to be comfortable with who you are. Maybe like the others have said marriage counseling is a really good option here.

What everybody is missing here too, is there is defiantly a culture difference, language difference and it can become a barrier and tear things apart. It is not easy being with somebody from a different culture, different language because there will be misunderstandings and thoughts that might be different.

For me personally, even if somebody is more attractive say according to your wife. Your brother is more attractive. That does not necessarily mean it is better or that she would be more willing to be with your brother. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everybody sees things differently but not most important aspect of a marriage or partnership. Nor should it be.

Thank you, it helped to actually put the words down.
I have female friends, one of 12 years who is married and has a daughter. She seems to know me better than me. My wife has met her and her family and has asked me some questions but I don't know for sure how she feels.
As you do, I get along better with women than men, and when I was single, did I want to have sex with my friend of 12 years, you bet, but I knew that wasn't going to happen although I always hoped. Generally speaking, I have always believed that a guy will always be a friend to a woman, married or single, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will happen at some point. So that's where I get my paranoia from.
Thanks for listening and your feedback... it did help..
Had a call earlier from my wife who mentioned that her friend Kelly was free today and was meeting her at the shopping mall... she called about two hours later asking how my day was, I asked about hers and whether she catch up with Kelly... No not Kelly, Kevin [her old flatmate, who happens to live in an apartment across the road from us]. I brushed it aside, but I wasn't really happy about that. Just left me with a big knot in the stomach. Counselling may be the answer. Thank again


Thanks Vanheart and Mineedhelp
We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks. And I am discovering how insecure I am because of my appearance and because of past bad relationships. But she is beautiful and I do feel as though I am the luckiest man in the world.


I was curious the other day as I couldn't reach my wife by phone so I logged on the track her phone and found she was at the local TAFE, I called her and got through I asked where she was, she answered 'oh at the shopping mall'.. clearly she wasn't.. I mentioned that it didn't sound like a shopping mall, she replied 'oh I am not in the centre yet'
When I got home and asked how her day was, she said it was OK, and I was going the toilet at the library across the road from the shopping mall when you called. Of course I couldn't tell her that she was a liar because I saw the GPS location, but I was puzzled as to why she could say she was where she was. Why lie. I tried to be honest about my feelings but again it just came out that I was a jealous guy... sorry guys for the burden. I truly appreciate the feedback

Clickaus,

I am sorry to say that your story keeps getting bigger and bigger and I have just been answering based on the info you give. After I give my thoughts then all this other stuff comes out of the wood work. Hard to answer, and keep changing answers based on all this newer information.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING A MUST. Can not get any clearer then that. Going over everything is just going to make your second guessing about her even worse.

Thanks again... counselling OK. It is me not her I am sure

Maybe it is both of you, but since your married. It would be good for you both to learn how to work together as a married couple.

I understand the cultural differences.

But you knew that. Right?

"We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks."

What you said was very honest & key. To why you are with her & your expectations. What about hers?

The more you communicate with her the better.

Ask her. Make sure those reasons are not just words, but actual actions & reality. On both of your parts. And continue that way.

Both giving equally.

Maybe you both are hung up on her beauty. What's underneath?

If its cultural, work that out. Regardless, whatever culture, religion or background, treat ones as you wish to be treated.

Human level stuff.

Sounds like you rushed into this. How long did you know her before?

We have know each other just a few months.
Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7.
You have a good point ' What about hers?' As in why is she with me and what are her expectations. She was brutely honest with me when I asked her to 'go steady' for want of a modern vernacular, she said that I wasn't so handsome but she can see and feel that I am an honest sincere guy. Which is why I get hung up when she mentions that someone is handsome or when I notice her checking out other guys.
And yes my family and some friends suggest that I rushed into it but I was just so tired of being alone and wanting a stable relationship this lady seemed to fit the bill.

I hear a lot of handsome & beautiful, but not a whole lot underneath.

Talk to her about all of this. Don't be afraid to do so.

If not, then you will be at the mercy of unjustified thoughts.

You're married. And off to an unstable start.

Sort it out w/her now. Not later.

Maybe take a REAL hard look at why you got with her, proposed, and married her.

Is she it?

Im an art director and my ex was a stylist.

Believe me, there was a lot of handsome & beautiful in our lives.

Superficial. Real beauty is is within.

And recognizing that.

I'm going to have to be the one to say it. She is making you feel insecure. She is the probem in that aspect. I see nothing good coming out of this. You just met and you are married? This has red flags all over. You need counceling ASAP! This is crazy! What have you done? What are you doing? You failed to date long enough to know what you were getting into and it seems like you are paying for your mistakes. Sorry to say, but you don't know your wife at all. You went way too fast and now you're crashing and burning. I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life.I'm so sorry for you! Good luck man.

Um, I read you original and then your subsequent posts and my heart sank. You've only known her 3 months, she's a different nationality to you, she's really good looking, and you don't know her at all.

My alarm bells are ringing here. Did she marry you to stay in the country or to get citizenship?

I honestly apologize if I'm making an assumption or a judgment here but from what you've written I can't see that the marriage was based on love - she married you (quote) because you're an honest not a handsome guy (unquote), you married her because she's hot and now you're worried because she checks out other guys, and seemingly meets them for coffee, and goes to the TAFE not the shopping mall.

Um, I suspect you may have reason to be concerned. What is your marriage really based on?

Lots of truth there.

You don't even know each other.
How do you connect, daily?

Sounds like she's an opportunist with a kid, sick of struggling &looking for some nice guy.
To love, screw, if she has to & support her.

All the while she's looking for a better sugar daddy.

Talk to her. You obviously can do that if you married her.

How old are you both?

Does she work?

Did she have her own things when you met, or was she living at home with parents?

How does she support herself?

How did you meet?

What do you know of her background?

What is your background, and career?

I don't care how long, or detailed your responses are, but need the information to form an opinion.

You jumped into this, now you have to deal with it. Without establishing communications, neither of you can make this work. You have so much to learn about one another, or you will crash and burn. Yes you have personal issues, but I have many questions. Many, as there is a lot of work to be done.

Thanks to you all. Everyone seems to have a valid observation.

Talaniman
Answers to your questions.
I am 55 she is 43, her daughter 17
Currently she doesn't work [too much time on her hands] as she is here on a Guardian visa whilst her daughter is studying [under 18]. She had a few things as she planned only to be here for 2 years, in China she has her own place. So I guess she has budgeted to be here for two year whilst the daughter's father support her school fees.
We met online, dating agency, as soon as we established we were an item we both cancelled our subscription.
In China she is a Medical Practitioner, big family of 2 brothers 4 sisters [she is number 3].
Up to now, she has been there for me in every way, she appears to be genuine in her intentions. Can't be sure that she married for love although she says she loves me, usually after I say so to her. Sex is good although she isn't an overly affectionate or adventurous whereas I am, in my looking for the re-assurance I guess.
I tend to over analyse all actions and non-actions looking for answers/acknowledgements to my insecurities/uncertainties etc.
I truly love this person and would be comfortable the rest of my life, in an uncomplicated life and she has said she is looking for the same I just need re-assurance that is so. Constantly.
I understand that different culture and language are at play here and maybe sometimes there is a misunderstanding because of this, I just need to be re-assured that she isn't consciensly out looking for 'a better model', in the guise of meeting new friends to improve her english.
Happy to say more if needed. Thanks everyone for your input

Additionally, I know it isn't right to 'spy' via the mobile GSP [bad experience caught my ex partner cheating this way] so naturally a little paranoid, when I noticed she lied about where she was when I phoned it made my heart sink. Should I address this with her or put it out of my mind [which is difficult]. I cannot let on that I had observed her via GPS obviously.

You jumped in rather quick, so I suggest you get over the insecurity real fast, and the need for reassurance immediately!!

You have no choice but to trust unconditionally, and leave the rest of that BS behind.

If you were so worried what her motives were, it should have been addressed before marriage, so now act like you can handle it, a stop spying, and crying, and treat this as the golden time in your life.

Let it all hang out, and throw caution to the wind, and get beyond your fears.

Any more questions?

Thank you
So are you suggesting I shouldn't discuss with her what worries me. I know I have to stop the questioning. But I need to her thoughts on some matters from time to time how else do I get to understand her point of view

No what is being said is do not question so much. If your always bringing up things to her then she will know that you do not trust her.

You need to talk to each other as couples but do not always let your insecurities be the discussion which so far all it has been about.

Please get some series counseling and no do not discuss everything that worries you.

Men, I am questioning how she truly deals with you. You are your own worst enemy.

I would communicate to her what you are feeling. And the things she says that put you down & perpetuate jealousy.

After all, this, in a way is all in your head. Insecurities.

She hasn't cheated.

I would also talk about your future and how that will transpire. You mentioned she was only going to there for 2 years.

You both need to make a plan. Like Tal said, you made the decision to marry her. Now its about being unconditional. Stand by your decision.

First off enjoy your honeymoon, they don't come around often. You have to realize you basically skipped through the have fun getting to know each other stage and for the rest of the year, That's YOU.

Save that deep, depressing, super serious stuff for next year after she has see some of your good points.

Very true.

Never got to know each other. Nows the time to do so.
Have fun together instead of stressing.

clickaus,
My take on this is that you are steadily eroding and destroying what could be a comfortable and loving marriage. It's important that you demonstrate more trust in your wife. If you are so insecure about your own attractiveness, get serious about losing some weight and getting fit. Put your energy into that instead of tracking her every move and assuming the worst about her at every moment. Replace the time you now spend checking the phone and the gps by going to the gym. Give up soft drinks and switch to whole fruits and vegetables. Be serious.

I'm also really bothered that you say you married her in part because you think she won't leave you because she has a child, as if the child is some sort of financial hostage in this situation. This is really sad. You are not thinking in terms of mutuality or creating a safe and loving environment for your new daughter, but only of guarding your treasure, like Midas. The woman you married is a person, not a possession. Wake up! You will drive her away if you continue thinking the way you do. It's not just your actions, but your whole attitude that is the problem.

So true.

Your intentions. The web dating, then jumping into a marriage. Then not dealing. Not recognizing who you are before you jump.

Nows the time to do that.

No woman wants an insecure guy that has them on leash.
Whatever language they speak.

She married you too. Let her show you why.

Take a step back, relax & enjoy the good things.

Hi y'all thanks so much

I must make a point that I didn't marry her inpart in thinking she won't leave because of the child, not at all, I just welcomed the comfort of having a family around me, something that I have been searching for a while now. Twice in my life I have started a relationship where children are apart of our life, then problems have happened just as I was getting to enjoy family life and didn't get a chance to see my family grow up around me, and that has been my one big regret in life, so I truly want this relationship to work for this reason alone. Anything else would be a huge bonus in my life. I am so afraid of losing this. Which makes me so paranoid and inturn it may destroy the very thing I am trying to protect.
I am actually getting fit now, no junk foods plenty of exercise everyday, my wife is overseeing this. Lost 8.5kg so far, feeling good about that. And everyone has correctly observed that it is I who have the problem with self esteem and I know I shouldn't let that be the focus of our discussions. I will learn to lighten up and, as you say, enjoy the marriage for what it is.
Thank you to everyone.

"I truely want this relationship to work for this reason alone"

That's the kicker.

"something that I have been searching for a while now"

"Twice in my life I have started a relationship where children are apart of our life, then problems have happened"

You have to look at what didn't work before and change.

For the right reasons. Not an instant family.

Hope you grow this into something special.

While growing yourself.

Get a gps and have her wear it! That was a joke. You're going to lose her if you keep acting like this.

One final piece, just a small irritation unsure if it has a greater significance. She often forgets to wear her wedding ring when she goes out... never forgets her phone. She has put the engagement ring away and only wears the wedding band, when she remembers to put it one.
OK I'm done. Thanks so much to everyone, I think it has helped me enormously. I have to work on me.

Lots of red flags here.

Vanheart
Do you mean I am right to be concerned?

It feels like a yo yo... Like I said the story keeps getting added on and added on and added on.

For everyone else read the whole thread before commenting. And see the progression.

Have you ever asked her why she takes it off? Some people just where their wedding ring after getting married some wear both.

What is going to happen after 2 years?

She takes it off to do household chores
I am taking control of myself, I hope, for my sake and my marriage

Then what are you worried about... Whew, your lucky you have not driven her freakn insane. Please do take control of yourself.

Not sure if you mean jealousy or ALL of the red flags.

Insecurity
Misdirected intentions
Internet romance with a cultural barrier
Jumping into a marriage with someone you don't know.

Seems like her intentions are way different from yours.

Im just guessing.

Honestly, if I just got married and my wife was making me feel like crap, commenting on guys, not wearing her ring, has a place in another country & getting alimony. Escaping until her daughter graduates. I would have to have my head examined.

Take a hard look at why you got with her and your past relationships. Then talk to her, & get back to us..

Like I said, I am so afraid of losing her that I have the terrible habit of over analysing all actions and non-actions verbal or otherwise, looking for reassurance that she is genuine towards me. She gives all the signs she is... but the things I have covered have caused me to over analyse. Bad past experiences must have left a mark.

Well, just don't repeat mistakes.

If it all in your head, then...

Change those thoughts around.

Don't be a jealous, insecure husband. Enjoy being married to her.

Well, just dont repeat mistakes.

If it all in your head, then...

Change those thoughts around.

Dont be a jealous, insecure husband. Enjoy being married to her.

Women... take off their diamond ring to wash dishes... Guess you don't know what washing dishes is. Frankly I think if you're that insecure you need to improve on your weight and attidute. You say your insecure about the way you look so do something about it. She only wears her wedding band. Big Deal who wants to lose a diamond out of their ring washing their hands.

You are really a piece of work... You are so whiny about your feelings and
Probably do the same to her. Get Over It! Work on getting some confidence and get off her back... If you don't you'll drive her crazy.:)

Well Yes KitKat,

If he does continue he will drive her into the arms of another man. If he is not careful, and it is bad to say this I would not blame her.

Joe

Well Yes KitKat,

If he does continue he will drive her into the arms of another man. If he is not careful, and it is bad to say this I would not blame her.

Joe

I would be nuttier than a frutcake if I were her!

One final piece, just a small irritation unsure if it has a greater significance. She often forgets to wear her wedding ring when she goes out... never forgets her phone. She has put the engagement ring away and only wears the wedding band, when she remembers to put it one.
OK I'm done. Thanks so much to everyone, I think it has helped me enormously. I have to work on me.

I think you making some of her comments more important than they are. Just because she is with you does not mean she can't enjoy looking at other people. I am certain that you probably still look at other women even if they are only actresses and models. Would you expect her to react the way you are if you 'check out' a random woman walking down the street?

As for the one about your brother, is it really about her finding your brother attractive or is there a bit sibling rivalry added into it? Has this been an issue with other people in the past?

How long has she been in your country? How much longer does she have left on her visa?

As for the 'lying'? It sounds like she is beginning to protect herself from getting into arguments about what she does and who she does it with.

You need to sit down and have a discussion with her about your issues. No blame. No fighting. No making her responsible for your reactions/actions. Be honest about how you feel and listen to what she says. If you aren't certain what she means, ask her. Remember that the language barrier will come into play with word choice and definitions.

I will admit that I don't know what TAFE is. When I looked it up, I came up with schools. Primarily vocational education and training. If she were planning to get a job in her profession in your country, would she need to get certified in it? Would it be something that she might want to surprise you with or to have all of the information together before she talked to you about it?

As for the wedding ring vs. cell phone, she has carried the cell phone longer. The wedding ring is a very recent development and without knowing how long she has been divorced or how long she wore her ring afterward there may still be traces of reminding herself NOT to wear her ring after their separation.

By the way, good luck with the getting into shape. It sounds like you are doing a good job.

If I met and married a woman in under three months, I'd be insecure too. She's pretty much still a stranger so you don't even know what she's capable of, hence your speculations. Sometimes people don't even realize they don't like a person until two or more months into dating.

You married her quick, so you should learn to trust her even quicker.

I don't know what to tell you, but I know that spying on her is going to drive you mental, so you shouldn't do it for your own nerves.

Clickhaus
Do you wear a wedding band?

clickhaus
Do you wear a wedding band?

I think he should get a CLUE!

Thanks again to everyone.. both positve and negative comments I welcome as it gives me an insight of me I don't see so your observations in this are helpful.
Yes I do wear a wedding band, proudly I might add.
Slapshot, you are right, we are just getting to know each other's quirks now. So a little insecure about a few things she says/does allbeit said/done innocently by her but perhaps misinterpreted by me.
I don't believe there is sibling rivalry with my brother and I, other than he is trimmer than I currently but as I said, I am working on that. I just didn't know what was she thinking of when she strained her neck to check out his abs, she said 'just curious', well we all know curiosity get get you into trouble.
I have since found out that her ex flatmate sometime goes to TAFE. Although I am not certain it is THAT TAFE she went to, but the next day is when she met him at the shopping mall... I am sure it is all innocent.. but not knowing makes me feel so insecure about her intentions.. Sorry guys/gals for the whinning there is no other way to vent this without burdening her with so much and. As you all say, would drive her away which naturally I do not want that. I just need to be sure she is genuine and not like the last relation I had who wanted all of the same on the surface only to find she was playing me and other guys too. That left a mark. Thanks for listening and commenting

Oh in answer to Cat, she has about 12 months on her current visa we have employedan immigration agent to help with changing them, and she has been divorced for 5 years.

Well I am glad you came here and are talking to us instead of your wife. Oh and when are you going to start counseling for yourself?

Well I am glad you came here and are talking to us instead of your wife. Oh and when are you going to start counseling for yourself?





Please say you are going to counseling!

She has two phone. The one that I gave her where she uses to contact me, her daughter and her friend Kelly. The other phone she says she uses as a chinese/english dictionary, which is true. But I can see she has used it to call people but because it is all in chinese I cannot read except for the phone numbers which I do not recognise. I cannot ask her about them without appearing to be suspicious and or jealous. Again not knowing for sure makes me insecure. If I could find a way to ask or for her to be able to explain I would feel more at ease I just don't how to talk about without being confrontational or accusing. I just want her to be upfront.. she will probably say that if she tells me I wouldn't be happy.. That said, I would rather know than not as if she says one thing and I find out later it wasn't so it would cause even more angst. I do get myself in a knot sometimes.
I will get counceling.. promise. Thanks everyone.

I'm going to have to be the one to say it. She is making you feel insecure. She is the probem in that aspect. I see nothing good coming out of this. You just met and you are married? This has red flags all over. You need counceling ASAP! This is crazy! What have you done? What are you doing? You failed to date long enough to know what you were getting into and it seems like you are paying for your mistakes. Sorry to say, but you dont know your wife at all. You went way too fast and now you're crashing and burning. I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life.I'm so sorry for you! Good luck man.

"I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life."

For someone who hasn't even been married to suggest divorce, is like me giving tips on menstrual cramps.

Just because this man needs to work on his self esteem, and trust issues, doesn't mean he needs to give up on this marriage. Even if they just met, and he obviously didn't think things through.

Maybe they will get divorce. But it's surely not up to us to suggest it from the start.

We should be careful with what advice we give. Especially when it's something that we have no experience whatsoever in.

You have a lot of "getting to know her very well", before you start worrying about how she will deal with your issues. Just know she has the same road to go down as far as learning about you also.

Clickaus,
I read all your threads, and am sitting here & smiling by myself. You fell in love with a culturally mysteries, sweet, and beautiful woman and married in short period. How lucky you are! Your life will be full cultural adventure with the hot, sexy woman. But while you are excited, you start to have cold feet and getting nervous about your marriage. It is very normal, and here are my thoughts.

1. Overall: She married you, and she has not cheated on you. So just relax, learn about her, learn about her culture, learn how to communicate &overcome language barrier, and build trust.

2. Her English learning: If her intention is learning English, she should try to talk any English speakers not only hot men. Your worry is exaggerated in my opinion. She is 48, she knows how to protect herself. Give me a break. The real issue is your mistrust toward her. There is no sign she married you for visa, or she tries to find someone else to run away with. You are nervous, and try to over protect her, and not to lose her. RELAX!!

3. SeLf image: Be comfortable about your self-image. If she was not attracted to you, she would not marry you.

4. Visa: Staying in US is not live and dead situation. It is rather option. She was not forced to marry you. Wasn't she? As you know, she did not marry you because she could not survive by herself. Forget about the visa stuff. You are downgrading your marriage for nothing. You are proudly her legal husband, and you should help proactively her to get visa status stabilized to be with you in US, without questioning her intention. It is too late to ask the question now. She will appreciate your help, and respect and adore you.

5. Over weight: I am very attractive woman, and I personally like meaty men rather than skinny men. They look real and stable. Do not worry about your belly or weight. Please keep working on your weight for your heath, but not for paranoia. Stop accusing her when you fail to control your weight. Women do not care about some extra pound of weight of her husband. Is she checking on hot men? Yes, we do sometimes, but it is nothing just like all men do. If you feel jeoulous, tell her so. Or just give 2-3 more second of hard look to other hot women while she is with you. She will get the point.

6. Cell phone: It is normal to forget to carry phone on and off for any of us. It happens to me sometimes too. Do not develop a full story around this. Once again, your mistrust is the real issue. If you keep accusing her, she will feel trapped. Not a smart move.

7. Wedding band: You guys need to learn communicate clearly. Tell her it is American culture to wear wedding band for married couple, and she should make an effort to do it while you are doing it. Do not assume she has same sense about wedding band. In some Asian culture, 'wearing wedding band' is not strictly required. My Asian co-worker who has great marriage does not wear his wedding band at all. I asked him about it, and he shrugged it off.

8. Culture: You need to teach her the American culture verbally, and do not make assumption. She will not be Americanized automatically while she lives in US. You need teach her nicely, while you learn her culture. It will be really fun in your life! If you make accusation over assumption, you will make unnecessary stress in marriage.

9. GPS: The GPS tracking is totally off, you did wrong. Treat her as your wife, respect her. If you investigate & treat her as possibly cheating & running wife, you are only asking for it. Try to learn to trust your wife.

10. Marriage is like jumping off from cliff with your partner. You need to throw all yourself into it to survive with your partner. Give her all love, but do not accuse her.

11. If I am you, I will make her absolutely happy while together, best lover in bed, be the best English teacher, friend, shopping buddy (so she will not try to find any others), learn her culture, but let her develop her own identity freely. She is foreigner, probably excited about US, but need to learn a lot of life here. Be patient, and help her as loving husband.

12. Her working: She is not working now, and should have too much free time. It is not good. Help her land on a job, help her if she needs job training. Once she has job, husband, co-workers, she will be very occupied, and will have less free time to wonder around the shopping mall.

In my understanding, Asian women are known as aging gracefully (they look younger than their age), working hard, and loyal to their partner. You are her husband. Some people decide to live in an exotic country, but you decided to live with an exotic wife. Good fr you. Just relax, enjoy honeymoon, and Have a lot of fun! :)

Just read all these post and read them often. Good luck!

Thank you to everyone. It seems that for me, every time things start going well for me I expect that at anytime now it will fall apart as perhaps I shouldn't be this happy, and before you know it you are sabotaging your own happiness by imaging all the things that could go wrong.. Thank you for everyone who has 'chipped in' their thoughts and in particular to myagony 1234 who answered put everything into perspective for me in one hit. I am indeed grateful to everyone.

Hi clickaus,
I guess you enjoy every minute of your honeymoon by now. Good for you. :)

I forgot to mention one thing to make your marriage better in my answer earlier. When you have a chance, make extra effort to visit her country, look around where she grow up, and build a good relationship with her family. It will make your relationship deeper and more solid.

This visit will make you understand where she is coming from, and who she is. While you visit her country, you will be a foreigner, and she will be in a position to guide you. In this reversed role play, you will understand the difficulty as foreigner who has language barrier (although it is fun and excited to live in a foreign county), and make you better person to guide her in US. For her, she will guide in her county, take advantage to pay back your kindness. In the process, she will understand what you are going through (! ), and realize how lucky she is to have you in her life. It will definitely enhance the quality of your marriage.

Hi myagony. Thank you for taking the trouble for your further thoughts. We are in fact planning to do that as soon as her visas to stay in this country are inplace. Then we can visit her homeland and family. I am looking forward to it. Life is wonderful. I still have bouts of insecurity but it is undercontrol. Thank you sincerely. Each morning I awake to see her besides me I feel I am the luckiest guy in the world, truly

Threads merged



A few weeks ago my new wife asked if it would be OK to visit a girl friend at her place of business. She told me she provides a service of Traditional Chinese massage therapy. It would be a chance to catch up for some girlie talk and maybe help out if she needs. I thought it was good idea as my wife currently doesn't work and is a little bored at home.
I met my wife after work to find that of all the clothes she has, this day she choses to wear her short skirt with sheer black tights, I admit she looks quite hot in this. On the way home I asked how things went, as she had spent most of the day with her friend, only to find that her friend's business offered the full body massage with oils and naked or at least down to the underwear, not the Traditional Chinese massage, which is usually fully clothed and targets mainly the neck and shoulders. Of course I was not too happy to hear this as most of the clients were male [of course], and as my wife was sitting at the reception desk for most of the day she told me that some of the clients were asking her if she was the new girl. My wife also mentioned that from time to time her friend asked if she would help out with towels etc.. Knowing she was sitting there in her short skirt and tights and my understanding of guys minds my imagination started going into meltdown. I explained that I was really not happy about this and if she was looking for work, this was NOT the area I would like her to be. She tried to convince me it was all above board, but I was clear that I would not be comfortable about this. She agreed and nothing more was said.
Today my wife suggested that she would come into town later in the day to meet me after work so that we could go shopping and drive home together. I thought that was a lovely thought, until she asked if I would mind if she popped into her friend's shop to say hello. I explained that I didn't mind her meeting this girl for a chat or a coffee from time to time but thought it was inappropriate to visit her place of business. As she has declined to come to my office many times as she doesn't want to interrupt my work I suggested that this was no different for her friend.
Although she said she would come directly to me I can feel she was a little disappointed. Am I wrong in my thinking or should I have handled it differently.

I kind of know where you are coming from in a way.

I believe you should talk to your wife, explain to her properly why you feel the way you do. She needs to know why you are not OK with her in that place, but you are not stopping her from seeing her friends elsewhere.

If she chooses to see her friend there anyway, there isn't much you can do. She can either tell you she is going there, or she can do it in secret without you knowing. Its her choice, but you have the right to tell her how it makes you feel in my opinion and its her decision to either care how it makes you feel or not.

It seems like you trust her, which is great, but you don't feel comfortable about the place she goes to, or some of the people she comes in contact there. I feel like you are looking out for what's best for your wife as well as yourself.

So once again, I think you should just have an open and honest tal kwith your wife, tell her how you feel, and that you don't wan to put limitations on her and tell her what she can and can't do, but you are just expressing how you feel about something, just as you'd hope she'd do if she was uncomfortable about something to do with you in the future. All the best

Hi everyone
Thank you for your comments yet again. As mentioned before, life is wonderful, truly. But every now and then I get the bouts of insecurity. I have always been too caring about the other persons feelings that sometimes I forget about how it is affecting me and tend to be a little passive about my actions/reactions rather than be to the point and state clearly what I think or how I feel.
I was lying in bed one evening waiting for my wife to finish her shower etc. after some time she came to bed and in a playful way I asked 'hey, where have you been, I missed you'. She replied 'Oh I went down into the street to meet a man'. With her knowing how I feel about such a thing, I asked why would you say such a thing, she said 'where do you think I went'... I was just being playful and she said the one thing that would send my head in a spin... Then I start over analysing... but I am OK. I still woke up this morning with her besides me knowing I am the luckiest man on the planet. Cheers everyone

I understand what its like to over analyze and be insecure... and sometimes even a joke might worry you, but you have to make yourself believe that this woman is you wife and she is with you because she loves you and she doesn't want any other men.

If you have a relatively low self-esteem, it can be hard to believe such a statement, but you have to try. Glad you know you are a lucky man. Always try to remember that and you'll be fine...

You were waiting for your wife to finish her shower. You know you walked into that reply right. You might have started it. She finished it and you could not handle it. You were being playful, she was, but you took it way too seriously again.

Next time do not wait for her to come out of the shower, hop in with her. Be cool. Stay cool.

Thanks
'Even a joke might worry you'. In my over analyzing I start to wonder if such a joke could be a subconscious thought. GRRR. I am OK


… and yes next time just hop in the shower. Quite right.

Thanks
'Even a joke might worry you'. In my over analyzing I start to wonder if such a joke could be a subconscious thought. GRRR. I am OK


… and yes next time just hop in the shower. Quite right.

Nah... I'd say it's a joke...

Think about it, haven't there been times when you could have made a joke, that you thought was purely a joke, but it could have taken more seriously?

Actually guy, you have to see this as a lesson in how our thinking affect our actions. Even with the friend at work, you have to see that its you reacting out of fear and insecurity, as you deal with the unknown.

Relax and enjoy it as this should be the "honeymoon" period.

Actually guy, you have to see this as a lesson in how our thinking affect our actions. Even with the friend at work, you have to see that its you reacting out of fear and insecurity, as you deal with the unknown.

Relax and enjoy it as this should be the "honeymoon" period.

I agree with Tal. Enjoy life... trust is an issue with you. Stop over thinking this.

Hi Guys
Thanks for all your help as always.
Had a bit of a relapse yesterday. Usually either my wife calls me or I call her about the time I get to work just to say Hi and maybe if we have a moment during the day she/I call again just for a moment to say hi or she may ask me about what I would like for dinner.. all good. All went the same way yesterday about 3pm she called me to say she was just about to pop out to the mall to get some food and asked if I would like something special, all good. About 20mins later I thought of something I thought would be nice to get, called but the phone went to voicemail. I waited and called again, voicemail. I called home to find her daughter was at home. I thought perhaps my wife had forgotten her phone but no, 'she just went to the Mall'. OK. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone location on GPS and found she appeared to be at her old apartment, just across the road from us, where Kevin her ex-room mate lives, supposedly a relation or friend of her ex husband in China. About 15 minutes later I saw she was heading towards to shopping mall, which is usual, but instead of going to the shopping mall continued to walk down the street and stopped at park. I called again and got through. I explained that I was still bored at work and that I thought of something for dinner. I could hear children playing and I asked where she was, not at the shopping mall yet? She said not yet just getting some fresh air [It was quite cold this day] she said OK I will be at the mall soon I will see you later and ended the call quite quickly. I felt a little anxious as I could feel something not quite right in the way she was talking and her response. I headed home and got to the area quite quickly. I called again to see if see needed a hand as I knew she must be at the mall by then. No answer. I called several times, again just voice mail. Of course my head was spinning. So I continued to drive to home just around the corner from the mall. On the way I saw her walking towards our apartment complex with a guy by her side. I turned the car around at the end of the road when I got closer they were at the entrance of our complex chatting. I thought she saw me as I drove past, but obviously not as a few moments later she called and asked if I had called. I said yes several times, I wondered if you needed a hand. She said sorry I didn't hear your call. I said I was just parking the car. I got home and she was all smiles and greeted my quite happily but my head was in a spin. If I hadn't mentioned I had seen her with the guy [which turned out to be Kevin, the ex room mate], she would have just said she went to the mall. She claims that she just bumped into Kevin on the street going to the mall and when I phoned her she was just walking to the mall. But I saw she was way passed the mall and in a park. I was extremely upset that she felt she could not say that she was just chatting with Kevin and that not telling me or making a story instead would make me feel better. I don't think it is a trust issue with me and although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so. I am so confused and I know I upset her and I don't want to push her away. I don't know the real reason I get so anxious about this side of our relationship and I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her. I have made an appointment for counseling.

I don't think it is a trust issue with me
Not a trust issue? What then do you think it is? Wow! Even I felt like hiding while I was reading this post.

although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so.
She has to report to you about every move she makes and every person she talks to?

I don't want to push her away.
You're pushing ME away, and I don't even know you!

I don't know the real reason I get so anxious
That's why the counseling will be really valuable.

I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her.
Your suspicions aren't rational. You don't trust her because you don't like yourself very much for some reason.

Not a trust issue? What then do you think it is? Wow! Even I felt like hiding while I was reading this post.

She has to report to you about every move she makes and every person she talks to?

You're pushing ME away, and I don't even know you!

That's why the counseling will be really valuable.

Your suspicions aren't rational. You don't trust her because you don't like yourself very much for some reason.




How in the world can this woman stand this? She is not a possession.
If you don't get help, you will lose her. I'm surprised she has put up with this constant mistrust for so long.

For about five years I was friends with a fellow like you. He was constantly suspicious of his wife. Because he was an insurance salesman, he was his own boss and could come and go as he pleased. Therefore, he would "drop in" on his wife at work (to check up on her, to make sure she wasn't chatting with male coworkers), and would go everywhere with her once she got home from work to the point that the poor woman never had a moment to herself (except maybe in the bathroom, but of course she couldn't stay in there very long). Between marriages, he would drive past the house of any single woman he was interested in and sit in his car down the block to watch for hours and find out if she had any male visitors. I won't tell endless stories about his neediness, but will mention that he was married and divorced four times during the five years I knew him. A year or so ago he called me from Wisconsin where he now lives to tell me that he is again divorced and asked if maybe I might be interested in meeting up with him (i.e. he's finally run out of marriage prospects?). I gently declined.

Don't end up like this. Counseling will help.

OK thanks guys.. I hate these feelings truly.

OK thanks guys.. I hate these feelings truely.
Good. I hate them too. Now, what are you going to do about them?

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good Luck. I truly hope you can work through this.:)

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

Sounds like a man with a plan... all the best...

Threads merged



When I met my wife before we married she and her daughter was just moving out of her apartment to move in to a shared apartment with two single guys, one of whom is a friend of her ex husband in China. He convinced her to move in to help her save money. After a month I proposed and she accepted the offer of marriage. Within a month after that we were married and had moved into our own apartment together with her daughter, happy family. Just so happens our apartment in just across the road from her old apartment and the ex-room mate.
I found out recently that occasionally she would 'bump' into him at the shopping mall and grab a coffee. Just earlier this week I discovered she had been to his apartment and went for a walk and did some shopping together. She wasn't going to tell me until I told her that I had spotted them walking back to the entrance to our complex as I was driving by. Plus I had 'seen' her via her phone GPS. That's how I knew she was at his apartment and spent some time at the park all of which she denies. After a emotional discussion about how it upset me I suggested that perhaps I don't know him that is why I feel so anxious and suggested she invite over for dinner. She asked if I would be OK with him coming to our place... I said of course not, as long as I am there... I meant we could all have dinner. She said oh I can ask but maybe he won't want to come.
I don't think it is appropriate for him to visit her at my apartment whilst I am not there equally I don't think she should be visiting him at his apartment alone. Not a matter of trust it is a matter what is appropriate as a married woman. What do you think? You guys have read all my threads on previous worries, is this just part of all the same thing? Thanks

I don't know why he will come over when your not home, but when you want him to come over to have dinner all of a sudden he doesn't want to come.. If they are just friends I don't think he should have a problem meeting the husband which is you. But I don't know why he doesn't want to know you, but he just wants to come over while your at work.
Just be on guard cause something is happening in your own front door.

i can be wrong but this is the red flags i see:
1. he lives right across from where you live, but your wife doesn't even bother mentioning him if they are only friends.
2. you told her that you saw both of them in the park but she denies it. Why? Why would she deny that if nothing is going on.
3. she spends all her free time with him while your not around, lots of time spending it on his apartment, but she doesn't even bother letting you know about it.
4. you want to have dinner with him so you can get to know him better, but for some reason your wife said he might not want to come, but he doesn't have a problem coming over while your gone.

I don't know man, but something is not right. I can be wrong, but if they are just friends and only friends why would she hide things from you, and why wouldn't she want you to meet with him?

Just my thoughts!

I don't think I would want my husband visiting another woman if I weren't present. However people are different and if she tells you there is nothing to it except friendship then you need to tell her you don't feel comfortable with her actions. I would go with my feelings on this one.

Has she ever given you any indication she would want someone else? Has she ever been unfaithful? Invite the guy over yourself and then you'll be able to see for yourself if you need to worry. Body language can tell you a whole lot. Good Luck

Hi I didn't actually see them in the park.. I was curious when I couldn't reach her on the phone so I logged into her GPS and tracked her in the vicinity of her apartment, then walking up the street, past the shopping mall where she would usually go then to the park where there are kids playing. When I called her at that moment she just said she was walking on the street to get some fresh air [it was quite cold, almost raining that day], I know GPS are not always so accurate but it shows quite clearly the park. Later on my way home again after several attempts to call her I saw them walking towards the apartment complex. I don't know for sure how many times she catches up with him and after this I am not sure whether she would say. I am upset that she would either not say or make up a story on the understanding that she knows I would be upset. I even made out that I had a vivid dream that I saw her coming out of the complex of his apartment, walking passed the shopping mall and sitting in the park and when I heard the kids playing as I did on the phone I woke up.. no reaction, I asked if she was at that park, no. I am puzzled.

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.





I agree totally.. why would she lie?

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.





Maybe it's an innocent relationship... lots of women have male friends without having a sexual relationship. She sounds like a nice lady. Give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure. What may seem inappropriate to me, may just be a friendship on her part and his.

I would have a talk with him, very calmly and tell him how you feel. Who knows what will happen. Invite him to dinner. If your wife has been true to you.. then you have nothing to worry about. I will add this ,tell him you would rather not have him in your home when you're not there.

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.




Sit her down and tell her how you feel and tell her you are having these feelings because of her and this guy. Ask her point blank what her feelings are for him. To have peace of mind and trust restored tell her how you know she isn't telling you the truth.

You have to be honest with her in order to find out if she is being honest with you. I see this as the only way to put this to rest. Do it.

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for each other, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for eachother, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.





Jake has given you great advice and more eloquently than I ever could I might add. Take her advice.

Your wife's male friend should be fine coming over to meet and have dinner with her husband. I don't think it should be uncomfortable for any of you unless there was something going on behind closed doors. She may just be friends with this man and nothing more but I could be honest with my husband and tell him I went out with a guy friend. I would only lie if I had something to hide.

You don't have a lot of options but you better stop the snooping, and get the truth! You have worked hard to make a compelling case to us, so now you better come clean, tell her what you have done, and also confront her dishonesty.

It might rip things apart, more than likely, but you don't have a healthy marriage, just because you spy on her, justified or not, because she is lying, innocently, or not.

At this point, none of that matters a bit. What does is, putting your cards on the table, and get the truth out. This song and dance has to end. And maybe the marriage too, but any resolution has to start with complete honesty between you.

Don't put it off any longer.. if she is cheating it's better to know now... if she's not then get on with your marriage.

Tell her everything you're feeling and as Tal said ; put your cards on the table.

I would ask him over but I only know the complex he lives in not the number. When she was living there and was seeing her she never once invited me to see where she lived. When I asked her at the time what number are you she said hmm 48 I think. Just to clarify. I don't believe he has been visiting our apartment whilst I am not there. And I cannot be sure exactly how many times she does 'bump' into him.
On one previous occasion she mentioned that she was meeting Kevin for coffee as he was free. As she said, she usually just 'bumps' into him at the shopping mall. How did he communicate this. She uses the iPhone I gave her all the time but I have never seen his number on the phone. She has her old phone which she doesn't use and doesn't carry with her now but it is all in Chinese and I cannot read if anyone has called through this phone. I am unsure how they communicate. The more I ask her about the things that worry me the more I feel I am spoiling the relationship... but I have to know why she makes up these stories... If I hadn't tracked her on the GPS I would be non the wiser of course... but...

but I have to know why she makes up these stories...
What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...

For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...




I agree with BlackVy.. You may just be feeling insecure. Don't read more into this than there is. You will drive her away.

How is counseling going? How is the paperwork for her getting permission to get a job going?

You need to stop with the GPS tracking. It isn't healthy for you mentally or emotionally. The ability to 'see' where she (or rather her phone) is at any given time is allowing you to spy on any personal life your wife has. Just because she doesn't answer her phone when you think she should doesn't mean she is having an affair. The phone isn't a leash, is it?

Is she missing China? Is she missing friends and relatives? Is she wanting more than to be a stay-at-home mother and wife? Could a walk in cold, almost raining, air help clear her head of doubts and memories? Is Kevin someone she can talk to about those feelings and will understand who, what, and where she is talking about?

How many other residents of that building are her acquaintances than just Kevin?

As for Kevin and the diner invitation, why not have a small get-together of friends and invite him to that? Less seemingly confrontational than inviting just him over to diner. If she has told him anything about your 'suspicions', then he could very well be worried about meeting you and dealing with an angry husband (whether the husband has any reason to be angry or not.)

I agree with many aspects of what Kat is saying.

That is why resolving this one way or the other is so important.

Suspicions lead to behviour to uncover the truth- i.e. the GPS Whether there IS any truth, is yet to be seen.

However, as your wife, she is doing things that aren't exactly forthright. It is very frustraiting to ask somebody something that you know the answer to, and the event itself is denied by her. Sort of leaving you thinking you're losing your mind.

At some point you are going to have to let it go. You can only hit your head on a brick wall for so long. What I recommend is therapy to get to the truth (whatever it is), and work past it, depending upon what is revealed, if anything. That way, the two of you can agree to let it go until your next session, and not drive each other crazy.

It is easy to say just get over it, or forget about it, or let it go. But when you are married and your gut is telling you something isn't quite adding up, you are due an explanation, and she is obligated to be truthful to you. When the impasse happens and you do not believe what she tells you, it is time to have some mediation to sort things out.

Best of luck.

When people jump into these quick fix marriages there is bound to be tensions and conflict. You don't know each other and other than the first attractions, you have not explored deeply enough to understand, and work through, the below the surface issues that you both may personally have. You have not established through slow and steady contact, any inkling of who you're with, and the life that you had, or the type of life you want to build.

Now instead of the having fun getting to know each other, through honest communications you have jumped dead in to mistrust, and deceit.

Unless you get some guidance to discover the truth and motivations behind both your action, then sorry to say what looked so good on paper before will turn into a shame of conflict, and misunderstanding.

Its inevitable, since neither of you have the skills required, namely talking to each other honestly and openly, to resolve your differences between you, so they just keep growing. Hard to build something when you are not working together.

There is something about tracking a female secretly through GPS, and freaking out on any discrepancy, that makes my skin shiver. Honestly, that ain't love, or trying to understand.

That's more like a sting operation in my view. Your actions have led you both to being like the older couple who grow apart instead of closer, and yeah I know she may have some part in this no doubt, but instead of getting answers, and information from the source, you are trying to catch her in something to justify your actions.

None of this is healthy, or productive, and explains nothing.

That's why you better both sit and talk, HONESTLY, and hope she will agree to some sort of mediation through counseling or she just will be out of there.

Spying, and snooping is unacceptable, so is lying, but we don't know her side, only yours.

I think this marriage is over.. You don't know enough to trust each other and you are so unsure of yourself, you're making her life and your own life miserable.

You posted this in April and still haven't followed any of the advice... I think you want someone to tell you step by step what to do. We only give advice... You can take it or not. I don't see any way your situation is going to get any better... unless you admit you need help.

You are right I need help uncover why I get the feelings I get, although I do not know why someone would tell me that the cup is black when I know it is white, so to speak. The papers for immigration is a slow process and I have to compile a lot of information to present, taking time. My wife is frustrated as you say being here in a strange land seemingly alone but wanting to fit in and work but is not allowed by law at the moment. My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me.. I am a good guy, and gentle caring guy but sometimes the ghost of relationships past come to rattle my chain a little I start looking for signs and over analyzing almost expecting to find the traits. Thanks guys for your patience and trouble. Much appreciated

You are right I need help uncover why I get the feelings I get, although I do not know why someone would tell me that the cup is black when I know it is white, so to speak. The papers for immigration is a slow process and I have to compile a lot of information to present, taking time. My wife is frustrated as you say being here in a strange land seemingly alone but wanting to fit in and work but is not allowed by law at the moment. My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me.. I am a good guy, and gentle caring guy but sometimes the ghost of relationships past come to rattle my chain a little I start looking for signs and over analyzing almost expecting to find the traits. Thanks guys for your patience and trouble. Much appreciated

I've been in your shoes, and like you said, the ghosts of past relationships come back to haunt you and you start looking for signs with your wife now, to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.

I know what its like, but one thing I try to remember when thoughts like these pop into my head is that my wife is my wife. She is not that girl I used to date or that girl who hurt me in a past relationship. No 2 people are exactly alike, so you can't judge her or decide she is going to hurt you if you notice behaviour you noticed in an ex. They are not the same person, so let it go.

All the best

Thank you BlackIvy for that understanding.
Also I also know it isn't right to use the GPS to spy as it were. Originally I used it as a comfort in the same way when in the back of your mind you would normally know your wife or husband was at any given moment in time of the day, 9am oh he/she is work.. 1pm oh he/she would be having lunch by now... 5pm oh he/she would be heading home by now.. there is a certain unconscious comfort in that.. currently my wife has too much time on her hands so as I say I used the GPS as a sort of comfort when I 'see' she is at home or at the mall. The problem comes when I have seen her being somewhere she would not normally be and when asked about her day doesn't mention or tells a story that conflicts with this.. in the same way that if you expect your husband/wife to be home at a certain time and there are late or calls to say 'Oh I had to work late' which is fine until you later find that there where elsewhere at that time...

Keep up with the counseling. Being able to talk to her isn't the same as being able to work through your issues with the guidance of a neutral party. I think you benefit from being able to open up to someone you know won't judge you and you don't have to see all the time. Maybe in time you can get her to go to counseling with you.

Could she enroll in classes (even some type of continuing education class) or get involved in volunteering? Could she volunteer at a local community center to give lessons in Chinese or Chinese culture?

Thank you BlackIvy for that understanding.
Also I also know it isn't right to use the GPS to spy as it were. Originally I used it as a comfort in the same way when in the back of your mind you would normally know your wife or husband was at any given moment in time of the day, 9am oh he/she is work.. 1pm oh he/she would be having lunch by now... 5pm oh he/she would be heading home by now.. there is a certain unconscious comfort in that.. currently my wife has too much time on her hands so as I say I used the GPS as a sort of comfort when I 'see' she is at home or at the mall. The problem comes when I have seen her being somewhere she would not normally be and when asked about her day doesn't mention or tells a story that conflicts with this.. in the same way that if you expect your husband/wife to be home at a certain time and there are late or calls to say 'Oh I had to work late' which is fine until you later find that there where elsewhere at that time...

The GPS thing was not a good idea from the start.. It is pretty much high tech spying.

In the old says, this would be the equivalent of having a guy follow your wife around and report back to you, or you following her around all day. In your mind it is for her safety or just so you know where she is and what she is doing, but it just doesn't seem right does it?

How would you feel if your wife didn't trust your word enough about what you were doing? That what you said to her and told her wasn't enough for her, and she needed proof and to know things for herself.

Good luck and no more GPS... I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Originally posted by clickaus,
My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me..

Take her up on it. The answer to fear, is courage, and facts. Either talk to her, or get rid of the GPS, and take your chances by the rest of us as if you are so afraid of the ghosts over your shoulder, you will always be looking back for them, and NOT forward. For sure you will find those ghost, or run into a brick wall, and bust your head, because you should have had your attention in front of you. Just me, I would still be on my honeymoon with my hot new wife.

Fear is a part of finding out who you are and who she is. It is also wise to not let that fear overwhelm you.

Love makes all of us do stupid things in our life and later we think"why in the world did I act that way"?

My goodness I use to be so jealous of my husband when we first got married. He was and still is a hunk.

I got over that jealousy when I finally realized of all the women he could have had he chose me.

We've been together many years and not one time has he ever given me reason to doubt his love.
So I worried for no reason other than I was insecure.

Hope I help you someway.

Whether your wife thinks you need counseling or not. I personally think you need to have your own counselor sessions for yourself to improve on yourself to help your marriage.

You need to work on things still, and I thought you were coming along but that old devil of fear crept up into your head again which will just cause a mountain full of problems.

Please start your counseling and stick with it and work out the reason why your always so insecure and paranoid about everything,

Joe

Whether your wife thinks you need counseling or not. I personally think you need to have your own counselor sessions for yourself to improve on yourself to help your marriage.

You need to work on things still, and I thought you were coming along but that old devil of fear crept up into your head again which will just cause a mountain full of problems.

Please start your counseling and stick with it and work out the reason why your always so insecure and paranoid about everything,.

Joe





I agree with Joe... find out about yourself first. Good luck:)

Thanks Kitkat your story did help. And Joe I have re-scheduled my session for next Thursday.
I always feel great when I am with her and when things are smooth and uncomplicated. Then I get a days when things appear complicated and to what have no answers to [ie why she avoided saying outright she was in the park].
I work almost in isolation, and only one or two good friends one of which [ironically], is a long standing female friend of 12 years who is married and has a child, my wife knows about her has meet her and her family, who I have burdoned from time to time with my worries/concerns. So I guess I am not able to purge these worries and during the day end to fester.
Thank you for everyone's help it really does help. I would invite everyone around for dinner but it might be a little difficult to explain to my wife, haha Thanks guys.

Develop your coping skills my friend. That's what gets us through the hard times.

Develop your coping skills my friend. Thats what gets us thru the hard times.




I have a feeling you all will be fine. Just stick to the counseling and learn to trust. I had a lot of insecurities when I was young. My Dad was my port in the storm and he always told me.. "What God has in store for your life will be what is best for you". He was right.

Threads merged


Hi guys, me again.
Have been pondering all that has gone before and reflected heavily on all the answers given. Amongst it all the element of trust was challenged. How do you define trust in a relationship. This who have reads my threads will perhaps have a grasp as to what I have been battling with in my head. I know that trust in a relationship is so important. My wife has mentioned a couple of times 'you should trust me more'. OK point taken but how do I handle a situation where... I know I am going to get blasted for this, but I just need to know where I stand in here eyes... I was curious again when my wife called at bad time whilst in a meeting with my boss to let me know she was just about to leave the house to pop over to the local college. It came as a surprise as she had told me earlier in the morning she may just go to the park as it would be peaceful [the park in next to the college]. I could say or ask much as I was stuck in a meeting. About 40mins later I am out of the meeting. Called her, no answer. I then checked her phone GPS and saw she was nowhere near the college. She was in the town somewhere. Then she headed home. She called me to say that maybe she would take to train to meet me after work in about 2.5 hours, great. 30 minutes later she was out again to roughly the same place for about 30mins headed home but instead of going home she turned down the street on the opposite side of the road to our apartments and into a side road leading to her old apartment where her male friend [ex husband's friend or relative] lives. I panicked and called her at that time and she said 'Oh hi darl I have just left home to go to your office'. This wasn't so as she was just heading home at that time. Then she went home, I called again and she said 'oh silly me, it started to rain and I had to go back for my umbrella.'
In the evening I was not in a great mood and blamed it on a confrontation with my boss earlier. I asked about her day 'Just went to the mall and home' I ask if she had met up with her friend, 'No, no he has exams, too busy'.
Although I couldn't say for sure if she had met up with him I knew she was not being honest for some reason, and not knowing for sure as to why makes me very uncomfortable.. I love my wife very much, but I don't understand her actions and I cannot come clean to say I know her story isn't so.. I ask for your help again... that's if you guys haven't had enough of this by now... Thanks

Trust is throwing away the GPS.

Trust is not stalking your wife. Trust is not needing to know every. Single. Thing. She does throughout the day. Plans change. Things happen.

You can either trust her, or this will destroy your marriage eventually.

Trust is not stalking your wife. Trust is not needing to know every. single. thing. she does throughout the day. Plans change. Things happen.

You can either trust her, or this will destroy your marriage eventually.



Trust is not seeing everything she does as a ploy to get away and cheat on you. I really feel sorry for her.

clickaus... you are going to drive yourself crazy with worry if you don't get a handle on this. I know it is difficult not to let your imagination run wild, but she has not really given you a reason to not trust her.

It is hard when you have suspicions, I know, but if you feel she truly loves you and you haven't found any proof of misconduct or deceit in her actions, you have to work at building that trust in your own eyes.

I would guess you would feel this way about any woman you were with; that perhaps you feel you are not enough for her for some reason, that is a self-esteem issue on your part. Have you been left before by someone else? Or have had difficulties in other relationships? Perhaps that is where this stems from.

Talk to her about your concerns, acknowledge that you sometimes worry (you don't have to let on that it is very often) about her becoming interested in someone else... see what she has to say. Then try your best not to harp on it.

It will take time, but you will find that bit by bit you will become more comfortable and less concerned that she is going to go elsewhere.

If you simply can't get passed it, you might need to consider counseling. Worse case scenerio... even divorce just to set yourself free from the constant worry.

The others are right, and we know from reading this and other posts that you jumped in rather fast and have no time to trust or even know your wife very well, and haven't had time to even develop good communications.

That's where trust starts and builds over time with knowing a person well, and being secure in yourself. None of which you have.

Lose the GPS, or destroy the relationship which is already damaged by your actions. What if she is smart enough to know she is being tracked, and is leading you a merry chase??

Another thing to consider, is maybe she is afraid to trust you with the truth, because her actions are innocent, but because of HER past baggage, she is afraid of what you will say or do.

That's why knowing someone well, and communicating are important, so start with asking about her, so you can know her, and understand, and she can understand you, without that GPS BS stalking.

So your wife is under surveillance now? Is she a suspect in a murder case?

When I married my wife, we promised to be faithful, and trust each other. She is a flight attendant. She is away from home at least two nights a week. Usually in Europe. Most times I keep our two sons. Sometimes their grandparents get them overnight, and I am home alone. My wife trusts me completely, and I trust her with the same conditions, entirely. When she is late coming in from a trip, I don't wonder where she is, or if she is with someone else. I wonder if something bad has happened. Like car trouble.

That's the way trust works.

All or nothing at all.

jmjoseph agrees: I will kill you on the inside.

Sorry Torrid. That should say IT will kill you on the inside.

I swear I'm not some not job.

jmjoseph agrees: I will kill you on the inside.

Sorry Torrid. That should say IT will kill you on the inside.

I swear I'm not some not job.

It's OK, I get that line all the time.

Lol, kidding. It's fine, I knew what you meant. :)

Hi y'all
DoulaLC You are right past relationships are a major cause for these feelings, and yes I wonder sometimes why a beautiful lady like this would ne with a guy like me. Reflections of the Joe Jackson song ' Pretty women walking with gorillas down my street'.
My last relationship lied and cheated. Not suggested for a moment my wife is doing this.
Again you are right, my imagination does run away with me especially when I cannot make sense of a situation. There was no reason for her to be down this side street to her old apartment, none. If she had mentioned she picked up some mail from there or yes she had caught up with her friend, mayby OK. But mail and the apartment access is usually from the main street in front. Plus I would not feel comfortable with her visiting a single male friend at his apartment. Trust or no trust it is not appropriate. Thanks again

Hi y'all
DoulaLC You are right past relationships are a major cause for these feelings, and yes I wonder sometimes why a beautiful lady like this would ne with a guy like me. Reflections of the Joe Jackson song ' Pretty women walking with gorillas down my street'.
My last relationship lied and cheated. Not suggested for a moment my wife is doing this.
Again you are right, my imagination does run away with me especially when I cannot make sense of a situation. There was no reason for her to be down this side street to her old apartment, none. If she had mentioned she picked up some mail from there or yes she had caught up with her friend, mayby OK. But mail and the apartment access is usually from the main street in front. Plus I would not feel comfortable with her visiting a single male friend at his apartment. Trust or no trust it is not appropriate. Thanks again

CHILL OUT... or you are going to lose this woman. I mean it.:rolleyes:

If it was her old apartment, it's not like the region is unfamiliar to her. Maybe she was reminiscing or felt attached to the area. There's no reason to get upset over that. You're not her dad. You're her husband. You're her equal. You have no right to keep tabs on her 24/7.

It was her old apartment where she, her daughter, the single male friend and his friend [male] shared. I was just upset that she chose to make up a story which led to wondering why, if all so innocent and above board, why take the risk of lying?


The male friend and his friend still live at that apartment

The male friend and his friend still live at that apartment





That doesn't mean she is sleeping with them...

Hey she needs her friends don't keep her in a cage. If she really loves you and YOU TREAT HER RIGHT she won't be dating guys plus you just got married there is nothing to worry about you guys have a fresh start don't trap her she needs air you have female friends why can't she have male friends? Think about that. Okay?

I accept that friends are important, and as such I am quite honest and open about my friends. She has met most of my friends. The only friend she hasn't met are the friends I haven't seen in some while. So why does she feel the need to make up a story when a simple honest explanation would put the issue out of mind in 30 seconds. That is what puzzles me .

That's the ultimate hypocrisy, you wonder why she can't be honest, but you are not honest yourself.

Tell her that you have been tracking her, confront her with your proof of her lies, and divorce her.

That would be honest. Why continue this charade of a marriage?

I am honest about where I go and I only meet my friends when I am with her. I would not go to see any female friend alone, certainly not at their apartment.

You are probably the most insecure man I have ever known.

Why in the world do you do this to yourself?

More importantly, why do you put your wife through this?

I want you to listen and read the advice you have been given. If you don't she'll leave you.

IF my husband were to act as you have.. I would be gone in a New York Minute. No.. I take that back he would be gone with every last stitch of clothing he has.

Never, ever in all the years we have been married has he questioned me or accused me of infidelity.. nor have I questioned him.

We trust each other and he nor I have never given each other reason to be jealous. I got over that the first year we were married. I was jealous of him. I learned to trust and we have a wonderful marriage
.

You on the other hand have stooped to a level that is degrading to your wife and it makes you look like a stalker instead of a husband. Wake up or you'll find yourself old and alone..

Got it. Understand. I am an idiot. Those gremlins keep getting inside my head a getting the better of me. I needed your kick up the backside. I try to shield her from most of what I fear for fear she will think the worst of me, truly I don't what that to happen. I consider this my last chance in life to be happy in a loving relationship with a built-in family. And it is fear of losing this that drives me to distraction. The previous relationship promised me everything I wanted only to find she was lying and cheating, it hit me hard.. I was just looking for signs to ensure this wasn't the same. Consequently I have been over analyzing every ounce of every situation expecting to find the same traits and I have been an idiot, I know this. I will sign myself up for electric shock treatment immediately [joking]. I truly thank everyone for helping me put things into perspective and thank you for everyone's patience.

You talk so much of honesty, but you are not honest with yourself, because you just ain't ready for a relationship, because you haven't let go of the other one yet.

Hi all
I spent almost a whole day sitting in my car at local park thinking about all that has been said and all that I have thought about. DoulaLC hit the nail on the head for me and I have come to the conclusion that I am sometimes [alot] worry about my wife becoming interested in someone else or someone else becoming interested in my wife. That really is the crux behind all my fears and worries that make me feel the way I do.

I'm going to ask you some hard questions and if you don't want to answer them that's okay.

1.Why did your first wife leave you?

2. Were you insecure about her also?

3. Did she really cheat on you or do you just assume she did?

4. Have you ever been abusive to your first wife or your present wife and by abusive I mean physically hitting them. You do emotionally hurt your wife with all this mistrust and accusations and tracking her with a gps?

Okay, you are obsessively insecure, what are you going to do about it?

Hope I didn't scare him away.. I'm only trying to help...

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

Thanks Tal.. I'm trying really hard to watch and learn from the best... you and some of the others.:) I have learned from you and jm and homegirl and Cat.

Hi
I am still here, as Tal said, I had some thinking to do.
Answers to your questions.
My first wife left because so was devoted to her parents so much so that she neglected her family, well, me. Constantly with her parents leaving me to come home to an empty house.
Not so insecure about her, at that time I guess I wasn't cheated on so didn't have the hangups. Second last relationship lasted 6 years, she decided to return to Japan and her parents. I was a little insecure about her meeting guys, sure, only for fear of her becomiing interested in someone else. My last relationship hit me hard [some 11 years after first wife although I have have relationships between of varying degrees of success, as I thought as I though she was genuine and sincere until I found all she was telling were lies. Stories that didn't add up eventually catching her with another guy, via GPS, realising she was being with him, at home late at night but pretending to be with family, I later caught up with the guy to find he was being played too, in this case my suspicions were correct.
I am a mild mannered guy, a good guy with a kind heart, and as such I have been taken advantage off many times. With my present wife, everything happened so quickly, she is beautiful and I was using the GPS to ensure she was on the level. Never have been abusive with any lady in my life not in my nature.

Okay.. do you think you can put those relationships behind you? All women and men are not alike? Give this wife the benefit of the doubt.

Umm, you tracked her phone to see where she was? Does this not sound strange to anyone else?

Yes, it sounded strange to all of us. If you read the replies and posts you would have seen that pinkangelgirl.

Yes I did, and true, its not the right thing to do but I was protecting myself. No excuse and no other reason. Although this wife hasn't really done anything untoward, on three occasions she has told me different to where she was and not knowing for sure starts the worry. Last two days I have been fine. Let hope it continues.


I have put the past relationships behind me, but the torment is still in the back of my mind. And yes, she is lovely and seems to want and has the same values as I in terms of family and future.

I have been in this situation before, (your wife's situation) where my fiancé didn't trust me and was suspicious or constantly worrying that someone would take his place because other guys were interested in me. It has caused us untold problems and from the wife's point of view it does make you feel very bad to not be trusted and have constant pressure from someone who is desperately trying to hold on so tightly to someone who is already there and made their choice to be with you. The fights when I had done nothing wrong, and the isolation from not being free to go where I please eventually did wear me down and I did turn to an old friend and ended up cheating on my then fiancé. This is not my character at all but what someone else said on here was true, you will drive her to this behaviour and you don't want that so try to show her you trust her and give her the freedom she deserves. She will love you more for this.

And she has agreed that she will not go to her male friends apartment on her own in future. I said it wasn't a matter of trust it was matter of was is appropriate. I have a female friend of 12 years standing, she has a husband and child. Never once has she or I been in each other's apartment alone. I once asked whether she trusted me, she said it wasn't to do with trust it was to do with respect for her husband... I agree

Sorry I had missed the replies that mentioned trackng the phone, glad I wasn't the only one who thought that was weird

Thanks Pinkangelgirl. How do I show I trust her without creating the hurt for me?

Get that counseling you told us forever that you were going to get but have not got yet. That is what you need to do.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.

Good for you.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.



I am so glad you are getting help... The past relationships tell me you have trust issues with women.. I hope you learn to put this behind you and more then that I hope your wife is allowed to be a wife who can have her own friends male or female. She is not a possession.

She has given you no reason not to mistrust her. Lots of women have male friends and that sure doesn't mean there's a sexual relationship going on. A GPS is just totally way out there. Please get help.

Just a comment for pinkangelgirl... you cheated because there was opportunity to do so, not necessarily because your fiancé pushed you there.


In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

Not True, and completely false.

I have many many women friends. My wife knows it. I just do have women friends but that does not mean that I am hoping for anything down the road. That is just complete bull sh-t.

That would be the other way around too. My wife having male friends. Does not matter, because it does not mean that she has that hope for something down the road.

Your twisting things completely backwards and side ways just to ease your conscience about spying on your wife.

Clickaus, I think like the others have said, that counceling is a must to learn how to deal with this and change. I know that my husband still struggles with this issue but has managed to let go a lot. I agree with you that some things are inappropriate, but please try not to have double standards, like you justifying having female friends, while she can't have male friends because that will create problems. Good luck with the counceling, it's the best thing you could do for the both of you:)


Just to add to your question, ways on which my husband showed he trusted me, was by dropping the stalkerish behaviour. Like not checking up on me all the time and allowing me to talk to a male or even just mention a male without him making comments or getting angry. Over time I felt more trusted and as a result I talked to him more about things. You see when you react badly or she feels you don't trust her she will try to hide things, even if she doesn't need to, simply to save the hassle or avoid tension. Try to just enjoy the time you spend together and not worry so much (I know easier said than done) but she will enjoy being with you more and you will feel less stressed:)


Clickaus I do take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

Clickaus i do take responsiblity for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what i did, im just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

I have to agree with "pinkangelgirl." Another thing in my opinion, some men can be so obsessive and controlling it makes a woman feel like she's a possession. I honestly believe there are men who can drive a woman right into the arms of another man. It isn't right but it happens.

From your perspective you think there are men just waiting to pounce on your wife. That may be true , but if she loves you she isn't going to do that unless you keep up this behavior. I couldn't stand being questioned about where I go or who I talk to.. that is the most degrading thing I can think of for a husband to put his wife through.

Frankly, the GPS would have been the last straw , but apparently she chooses to stay and I don't know why. Without trust you have no marriage and if you do not see this and really work on it with this counselor... you are going to be the loser. Think about it.

My apologies I have not read all the posts, I will later am very busy presently. However I am curious, how long has she been in the US? Cultural differences may come into play here.

Stringer

Read my signature quote. Truly understand what it means.

Your first wife spent too much time with her family? The second relationship ended when the girlfriend went back to Japan?

You had a few relationships that end badly and you used a GPS to track the last girlfriend?

I'm not trying to be cruel but there seems to be a pattern to your behavior with women. You have some very big trust issues.

Where is your first wife now? You met the present wife online and the ex girlfriend? If your wife is trying to learn English, I assume she hasn't been in the U.S very long. You say she's here on a Guardian Visa?

Do you have children other than your step daughter?

I do hope you work out these problems and get some self confidence. Keep posting and we'll try to help... Remember this.. You are probably a nice man. You need to like yourself and see your good points.. . Kit

Hi Clikaus, just to respond to your earlier comment to me, didn't get to reply. I take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing. At the moment she may tolerate all this but eventually she will get fed up and your worst fears may come true.
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex if your married. However you are saying that males only want to be friends for one reason, while females are inocent and just want friends? Well to a certain degree I would agree because in my experience all the guys who said they just wanted to be friends actually tried or hoped for more, however there are a lot of women out there who steel married men so your being naïve by thinking like this. You making that comment sounds so familiar to me as my husband used to say the same thing. It's just double standards.


The more you try to control her, the more you are pushing her away.


Yes Kitkat I agree, he is probably a nice guy. My husband behaved in the same way earlier in our relationship. At first I saw the wonderful qualities in him that made me fall in love with him. When I looked at him I would see this caring, loving, handsome great guy, but over time when I looked at him I would see this crazy control freak. Pple told me to leave him but I knew underneath what he was really like. Fortunately we worked through this and got counceling. We still have issues and ups and downs but he is a great husband and I now feel trusted. Clickaus, my husband used to say that he doesn't feel good enough and wonders why I am with him. He thought any other guy would be better and that's why he felt the strong need to control everything in the hope that I would stay with him. I tried so hard to prove to him that he was the one I wanted to be with and that I truly loved him. I finally realised that I could never convince him until he learned to like himself and deal with his insecurities. I sincerely hope that you can do the same. Good luck.

The more you try to control her, the more you are pushing her away.




I can't add too much more. I have a lot of friends who are male.. I haven't slept with any of them. Believe it or not men and women can be friends and have a purely platonic relationship.

Thanks to all
To Stringer, she has been in this country just 18 months. She is curious by nature and wanting to learn quickly, and as I said before she is open, friendly and fears offending people, even to the point of not being short with people who may approach her.


Hi pinkangelgirl, thanks, I guess I am not alone in my thinking, it's a guy thing I guess, especially if you are a little insecure about yourself. I just need to put things into perspective and enjoy what I have... I still believe I am a lucky guy and I still need to pinch myself everyday to ensure I am not just dreaming.. first counseling session today, keep you posted.

Kitkat
I am still in contact with my first wife, we have a son together, he is 13 years old. I see him every Saturday and look forward to weekend stay overs on school holidays. I also have a daughter, 32, living in England with her family
My current wife has been in this country 18 months now.

Thank you to everyone who has chipped in their thoughts and comments. I am truly grateful for your time and effort. I would be a total headcase [even more than now] if it were not for you all. Thanks.

Thanks to all
To Stringer, she has been in this country just 18 months. She is curious by nature and wanting to learn quickly, and as I said before she is open, friendly and fears offending people, even to the point of not being short with people who may approach her.


Hi pinkangelgirl, thanks, I guess I am not alone in my thinking, its a guy thing I guess, especially if you are a little insecure about yourself. I just need to put things into perspective and enjoy what I have... I still believe I am a lucky guy and I still need to pinch myself everyday to ensure I am not just dreaming.. first counseling session today, keep you posted.

You need to start having more confidence in yourself. She wouldn't have married you if you weren't a good guy. Good luck.:)

Hi y'all.
Been to two sessions so far. First session trying to cram my past history into the first hour in order to give her a base for my background, second session wanted to get more off my chest only to find she was trying to get a family tree together !@#? Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@? I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides. More to come I am sure.

she was trying to get a family tree together !@#?
Probably a genogram. Family systems therapists use them a lot. I like this, if that's what she's doing. I've always found them to be very helpful, both for me and for the client. It's a visual of who you are.

Genogram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genogram)


Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@?
To help you with anxiety. Let her teach you. Concentrate and learn them. You'll be surprised how much they will help. I took Lamaze classes and learned good breathing and had an eight-pound baby with no anesthesia. You should be so lucky.

I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides.
Take it bit by bit. You don't have to do all this in three appointments. Go with the flow.

More to come I am sure.
Good! I can't wait to hear more!!

Probably a genogram. Family systems therapists use them a lot. I like this, if that's what she's doing. I've always found them to be very helpful, both for me and for the client. It's a visual of who you are.

Genogram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genogram)


To help you with anxiety. Let her teach you. Concentrate and learn them. You'll be surprised how much they will help. I took Lamaze classes and learned good breathing and had an eight-pound baby with no anesthesia. You should be so lucky.

Take it bit by bit. You don't have to do all this in three appointments. Go with the flow.

Good! I can't wait to hear more!!!!!!!

I agree with Wondergirl!

I am sorry but it is hard to get the whole picture from just one session. You do have lots of anxiety and you need to let this professional help you. If your resistant or fight against it then you will only fail. The more you go, the more you learn. The better off you will be. I know that it takes time and patience. You have lots of time, you just need to learn the patience part. There is no quick fix. This did not develop overnight so what is needed is step by step to bring everything into the forefront.

I understand, thanks

I'm going to ask a question that HAS to be asked. Did she need to get married to stay in the country?

Impatience was your problem before as you rushed to get an instant family. Instead of taking your time getting to know your new wife well. Then you instantly jumped to mistrust.

Joe is right, there are no quick fixes, and for once you have to go through the process of learning, at a much better pace.

Keep up the counseling!

Hi guys its me again. Been to two counseling sessions so far and I felt better getting things out. Then Something happened, wanted to talk but counsellor is off on vacation, go figure. Hope you could help. I know you are going to go off at me...
Well my wife spent the morning with her friend Kelly, shopping at the local Mall. I called her in the morning and she said she was just about to leave the house to meet Kelly, all was fine. About two hours later, I called her during my break to say Hi but didn't get through. I checked her GPS to find she was on her way home from the mall, still good. I thought I would wait till she got home and call again, only instead of going home she turned down the side street opposite from where we live to arrive at the rear of her old apartments again, she did this once before. She didn't actully go in to the apartments just went to the back entrance. This is where her ex flatmate lives [Kevin]. I called her immediately I tried to stay calm and asked if Kelly was still with her, but no. I asked if she met up with anyone else, no. She just said was just one her way home... I guess she could tell I was uncomfortable about something and asked if I was happy pasked about 5 times]
. I said I would talk later. She called me back 15 minutes later abd again asked if I was happy... The evening converstaion was stunnted on my part because I had this in my head not knowing how to ask outright.. Later I did ask saying that I believed she went to the back of her old apartments. I didn't know why she needed to do that. She denied that she was there. Asking why would she do that she had no reason to be there. I agree.. Know if she had said that she had met Kevin on the way home, I would have been OK except that there is an entrance on the main road in the front, again opposite our apartment complex, so no reason the walk around the back.. But no matter how I asked she denied totally she had walked there and I was all in my mind. I am going crazy not knowing her reason. How do I approach this as each working week that comes along I am so anxious, weekends when I am with her all is fine. No I am not looking for a divorce I truly love this lady but I just need an answer to this riddle.

You would feel so dumb if it was Kelly seeing Kevin. I don't know.

For a guy who doesn't want a divorce, you sure are trying hard to get one.

So now, despite counseling, around the same circle you go, and with the same results. Pure insanity.

I just want to know what your therapist says about you "tailing" your WIFE through GPS??

You would feel so dumb if it was Kelly seeing Kevin. I don't know.

For a guy who doesn't want a divorce, you sure are trying hard to get one.

So now, despite counseling, around the same circle you go, and with the same results. Pure insanity.

I just want to know what your therapist says about you "tailing" your WIFE thru GPS???



Still accusatory and paranoid. Still questioning her every move. It would drive me crazy. Keep it up and she'll be gone and then you won't have to worry about.
Don't you realize you are stalking your own wife? Get over it! I'm really surprised she's stuck it out this long. You interrogate her and want to know every single move sh makes? KNOCK IT OFF and give her a break.
If she isn't half crazy now , she will be if she stays with you and you continue this behaviour.

clickaus, have you told your therapist about tracking your wife? If so, what has he/she said about it. If not, then why not? How honest have you been in these sessions so far?

Admittedly, you just started counseling and it takes time to see changes. However, I am not positive that you are actually trying to change. You can't just say you want to change. YOU have to put actions to those words. Otherwise, the cycle of doubt and tracking will continue.

I can't tell if you are worried about your own behavior and the lines you are crossing or if you are boasting about knowing where your wife is even when she doesn't answer her phone.

I don't know what you expect to hear that hasn't already been said.

You aren't being open and honest with her. You are setting her up to 'lie' to you. You say that she is still learning your language, but you ask leading questions instead of asking her straight out in words that can't be twisted. No wonder you don't like the answers you are getting.

Do you really love her? Do you understand what love is?

Does your wife know you are using the gps to track her?

What else can she conclude when you show that you know where she's been?

Here are some other things to consider as you systematically blow up your marriage:

Maybe you have really got her attention with all your questions and your semi-accurate "guesses" about where she's been, so she is testing you to see how accurate your knowledge of her whereabouts is.

What if the gps is in fact inaccurate and she was at the front of her own house when you called her? Have you carefully checked the precision of the gps unit in a variety of conditions? Do you really know she was across the street?

Also, I didn't catch this in earlier posts. But is it actually gps, or is it cell phone triangulation, which is different and less accurate? My own phone puts me way off where I actually am at times. Other times, it's right on.

This isn't just about trust (which is really important); it's also about your total inability to let go, to not know things, and to be okay with what you do know.

When you are not grilling your beautiful wife about her every move, what do you guys do together for fun? Do you enjoy her company? Do you feel comfortable around her? Why don't you focus on that instead of trying to catch her doing something that is in your head?

Have you learned to speak her native language? Why not? Put your excess energy into something positive and productive instead of all of this negative energy which will drive her away. How do you show her you love her? What more can you do?

I think, unless you STOP acting like a needy, insecure, jealous pile of nerves... you are going to lose her.

Hi
Counselor knows about the GPS, she understands why, considering my past upsets in relationships, BUT has asked to stop it although she knows its difficult to stop straight away. I am doing it less, honestly.

I do love my wife and can't bear the thought of being without her, ever. I do enjoy her company, I feel the most relaxed when I am around her. I try to understand her language too.

Kelly is married and is not seeing Kevin. If my wife just says that she caught with him and walked back with him I would not be so anxious I then would know she was being straight with me. By denying she was where she was just makes it worse for me. I am not suspecting her of cheating, I just want to know why she cannot be upfront about her day if she has nothing to hide. If your partner started taking a detour after work or at lunch time but didn't say anything and you found out in some way, you would be curious and I am quite sure you would want to know the answer to the question. I cannot believe you would choose to ignore that fact. I am not so different. How you would react in a similar situation.

I hasten to say I do not bombard my wife with all of this I keep it to myself as much as I can, although my face and voice sometimes betrays me, I do not want to jeopardise this relationship as I quite believe it to be my last chance on this earth for a happy relationship. Because I have been burnt before I am just cautious [over cautious] in ensuring she is genuine in her heart.

Hi
Counselor knows about the GPS, she understands why, considering my past upsets in relationships, BUT has asked to stop it although she knows its difficult to stop straight away. I am doing it less, honestly.

I do love my wife and can't bear the thought of being without her, ever. I do enjoy her company, I feel the most relaxed when I am around her. I try to understand her language too.

Kelly is married and is not seeing Kevin. If my wife just says that she caught with him and walked back with him I would not be so anxious I then would know she was being straight with me. By denying she was where she was just makes it worse for me. I am not suspecting her of cheating, I just want to know why she cannot be upfront about her day if she has nothing to hide. If your partner started taking a detour after work or at lunch time but didn't say anything and you found out in some way, you would be curious and I am quite sure you would want to know the answer to the question. I cannot believe you would choose to ignore that fact. I am not so different. How you would react in a similar situation.

I hasten to say I do not bombard my wife with all of this I keep it to myself as much as I can, although my face and voice sometimes betrays me, I do not want to jeopardise this relationship as I quite believe it to be my last chance on this earth for a happy relationship. Because I have been burnt before I am just cautious [over cautious] in ensuring she is genuine in her heart.

No I would not be curious if my husband stareted to take a detour to work or didn't say anything to me about where he had lunch. That's the way marriage is and I hasten to say he would never follow me or question where I've been. It's called trust and respect and we both have that for each other.

We both had trust issues from or first marriages but we soon got over it and we've been married many years and never once have I or has he questioned our faithfullness too each other. All women are not the same and your previous relationships keep causing you to shoot yourself in the foot. Get over it.

First off, tracking my wife is not an option, burnt or not in the past. And second, No matter the outcome, she would know full well my fears, the why, and the HOW! Either she understands or not, at least she would have the whole truth to make a decision with.

That my friend may be the differences in us, how we handle ourselves in a similar situation. I don't judge, but I will comment straight up!

If your partner started taking a detour after work or at lunch time but didn't say anything
You must be kidding! I have far more important things to do than to keep an eye on my husband's wanderings. Fry's Electronics is right down the road from Hooter's. He's maybe dropping in at Hooter's to check out the waitresses every time he tells me he's going to Fry's? O'Shaunassy's Bar is across the street from the grocery store. Maybe he's stopping in at the bar to ogle the barmaids after he grocery shops -- or before, in case he buys ice cream? Good grief!!

and you found out in some way
No, you didn't find out "in some way." You are spying on her.

you would be curious and I am quite sure you would want to know the answer to the question. I cannot believe you would choose to ignore that fact.
Actually, I have ignored it. For 43 years. I trust him.

You must be kidding! I have far more important things to do than to keep an eye on my husband's wanderings. Fry's Electronics is right down the road from Hooter's. He's maybe dropping in at Hooter's to check out the waitresses every time he tells me he's going to Fry's? O'Shaunassy's Bar is across the street from the grocery store. Maybe he's stopping in at the bar to ogle the barmaids after he grocery shops -- or before, in case he buys ice cream? Good grief!!!

No, you didn't find out "in some way." You are spying on her.

Actually, I have ignored it. For 43 years. I trust him.



You are wrong C. you tracked your first or second wife by gps and you tracked this one the same way. I just cannot fathom anyone doing that to someone else. You keep going to that counselor.

I am assuming you have not told your wife you are tracking her.

So how do you know how accurate your tracking system is? What evidence do you have that the phone can tell whether the phone is on one side of a building or another or one one side of the street or another? What if minor amounts of imprecision are leading you to think your wife is lying when she's telling the truth?

I am assuming you have not told your wife you are tracking her.

So how do you know how accurate your tracking system is? What evidence do you have that the phone can tell whether the phone is on one side of a building or another or one one side of the street or another? What if minor amounts of imprecision are leading you to think your wife is lying when she's telling the truth?

Tell me what did the first woman do to make you distrust her? Why are you so down on yourself? Were all three of your relationships with Oriental woman? I think it's sad to be treated that way , being so far from home with no choice but to stay with someone who wants to know every single second of their activities. I wouldn't put up with for asecond. You would be wearing that GPS. I'm trying to help you but I don't know why you feel so insecure or why and when you became this way.

I did a little reading around and the number I'm seeing for locating cell phones is typically to within about 100 meters, though it can be off by a lot more than that depending on the situation. To me, that doesn't tell you which side of a street she is on or which entrance to a building.

Complicating factors include whether the phone uses gps (more accurate) or cell tower triangulation (less accurate), number of cell towers in the area, obstructions such as large buildings or hills, etc. About 90% of phones use cell tower triangulation, but even with real gps, satellites can be blocked. My sister sent me a gps unit and it doesn't work at all at my house.

So I'm saying that it's not even clear that you know what you think you know. I think you should throw out your tracking software and think about what nice thing you can do for your wife tomorrow (so she'll feel loved and not ever want to leave you).

I recommend that you read The five languages of love (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/) and spend your time figuring out which love language your wife speaks. Then do all the things that will make her feel loved.

I did a little reading around and the number I'm seeing for locating cell phones is typically to within about 100 meters, though it can be off by a lot more than that depending on the situation. To me, that doesn't tell you which side of a street she is on or which entrance to a building.

Complicating factors include whether the phone uses gps (more accurate) or cell tower triangulation (less accurate), number of cell towers in the area, obstructions such as large buildings or hills, etc. About 90% of phones use cell tower triangulation, but even with real gps, satellites can be blocked. My sister sent me a gps unit and it doesn't work at all at my house.

So I'm saying that it's not even clear that you know what you think you know. I think you should throw out your tracking software and think about what nice thing you can do for your wife tomorrow (so she'll feel loved and not ever want to leave you).

I recommend that you read The five languages of love (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/) and spend your time figuring out which love language your wife speaks. Then do all the things that will make her feel loved.

Asking, that is so great you found imformation about the gps. That's great. C. Listen and read this and see that your fears are unfounded.

You know what , you can go to counselling till the cows come home , you can keep posting on here about how she should tell you the truth instead of telling you little white lies about where she is , and you're the one pushing her to do so by being so insecure because she knows that if she tells you your going to read more into it than what there may be.

But until you lose that GPS and stop tracking her trying to find something that may not even be there , she will leave you in the end. There's just so much one can take before they finally break.

You know what , you can go to counselling till the cows come home , you can keep posting on here about how she should tell you the truth instead of telling you little white lies about where she is , and your the one pushing her to do so by being so insecure because she knows that if she tells you your going to read more into it than what there may be.

But until you lose that GPS and stop tracking her trying to find something that may not even be there , she will leave you in the end. There's just so much one can take before they finally break.




You really need to trust the woman. How in the world can she stand the constant interrogations? I would have been gone in a New York minute.

Hi
I agree that GPS [find my phone app in iPhone] is not pin point accurate but I believe when it shows me she is going in the opposite direction to home and down a street a block away from our apartment complex.. I started this with my previous girlfriend [yes, she was asian] who constantly told me she was not allowed out after college as she was living with big sister, only to find she was out every night that she wasn't with me and finally caught her in a restaurant with another guy after finding she was at his house the night before, now that is accurate enough.

Hi
I agree that GPS [find my phone app in iPhone] is not pin point accurate but I believe when it shows me she is going in the opposite direction to home and down a street a block away from our apartment complex.. I started this with my previous girlfriend [yes, she was asian] who constantly told me she was not allowed out after college as she was living with big sister, only to find she was out every night that she wasn't with me and finally caught her in a restaurant with another guy after finding she was at his house the night before, now that is accurate enough.



Did you use a gps to find this out? It's a shame you don't have enough confidence in yourself to stop this.

I am looking for that book

I am looking for that book




Good!

Hi
I agree that GPS [find my phone app in iPhone] is not pin point accurate but I believe when it shows me she is going in the opposite direction to home and down a street a block away from our apartment complex.. I started this with my previous girlfriend [yes, she was asian] who constantly told me she was not allowed out after college as she was living with big sister, only to find she was out every night that she wasn't with me and finally caught her in a restaurant with another guy after finding she was at his house the night before, now that is accurate enough.

After all these posts , etc.. You are still lost and do not get it do you.

Your taking problems from previous relationship and making it a problem in this one.

You are the problem not your wife. Your borderline stalker. You keep trying to justify your actions with the gps but you can not base it on an ex cheating on you.

I honestly hope that things work out for you too, but as long as you keep doing this to your wife. YOU WILL LOSE HER. No matter what she does, it will only be YOUR FAULT.

Starting to think she is better off without you in her life. Starting to really think this marriage is doomed because you are not getting it. NOTHING is sinking in your head.

OTHERS, have already said they would have left you long time ago if you were pulling that crap with them. IF and I say IF, she sees anybody else or cheats on you, afraid to say it will be your fault. At the same time people who are in these situations find it hard to get out of because of the control and guilt factor. That is caused by the person who is always trying to put a leash on them.

Your wife is NOT YOUR DOG. Start treating her like you LOVE HER, start treating her better then you would then a dog and GET THE CHAIN Off HER NECK.

After all these posts and etc.. You are still lost and do not get it do you.

Your taking problems from previous relationship and making it a problem in this one.

You are the problem not your wife. Your borderline stalker. You keep trying to justify your actions with the gps but you can not base it on an ex cheating on you.

I honestly hope that things work out for you too, but as long as you keep doing this to your wife. YOU WILL LOSE HER. No matter what she does, it will only be YOUR FAULT.

Starting to think she is better off without you in her life. Starting to really think this marriage is doomed because you are not getting it. NOTHING is sinking in your head.

OTHERS, have already said they would have left you long time ago if you were pulling that crap with them. IF and I say IF, she sees anybody else or cheats on you, afraid to say it will be your fault. At the same time people who are in these situations find it hard to get out of because of the control and guilt factor. That is caused by the person who is always trying to put a leash on them.

Your wife is NOT YOUR DOG. Start treating her like you LOVE HER, start treating her better then you would then a dog and GET THE CHAIN OFF OF HER NECK.



C.. read this and then go back through all the advice you have been given.
It's really a little no a lot creepy stalking your wife. We want to help but if you keep doing the same thing over and over we're not getting through to you.

With the previous girl I found out by accident after she told me she couldn't come out as she had to help family with a big dinner. Just before I decided to go to bed I send her a message say goodnight. Didn't get one back, checked the GPS for the first time essentially to gain comfort from the fact it would show me her at home.. WRONG she was actually at this other guys house who turned out to be a customer at the café where she worked. What a mug I was. The GPS help me avoid so much more pain. The just added to the list hurt from previous relationships, way before the invention of GPS..
I am not defending my actions as such. Just trying to protect myself from being hurt again... sorry guys.

With the previous girl I found out by accident after she told me she couldn't come out as she had to help family with a big dinner. Just before I decided to go to bed I send her a message say goodnight. Didn't get one back, checked the GPS for the first time essentially to gain comfort from the fact it would show me her at home.. WRONG she was actually at this other guys house who turned out to be a customer at the cafe where she worked. What a mug I was. The GPS help me avoid so much more pain. The just added to the list hurt from previous relationships, way before the invention of GPS..
I am not defending my actions as such. Just trying to protect myself from being hurt again... sorry guys.

You need to stop this this! Don't judge all women by one. Lose the GPS or lose your wife... that's your options.

Your only setting yourself and your wife up for failure. Do not say sorry but change your actions before YOU ruin your marriage.

Your still justifying your actions. You know what either you get over what happened from the last relationship or you will never have a sound relationship again.

YOU CAN NOT CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO.

So please stop controlling your wife.

I Hold out some hope for this marriage, but the more you defend your actions the more I hope.

Your wife decides enough is enough and sends you a huge message to you by actually leaving.

Then again you will just PUT ALL THE BLAME ON HER ANYWAY.

Clickaus, I am beginning to think you are addicted to using it. It has gone past comfort to habit and now it seems uncontrollable. It gives you a power and control over your wife that she knows nothing about. It gives you instant feedback to fuel your fantasies of what you think your wife might be up to.

However much you want to believe in it. It cannot tell you exactly where she is. It can't tell you who she sees or she talks to. It can't tell you if she is taking a detour to get around someone/thing blocking the street. It can't tell you if she decided she wanted a longer walk to get some exercise or because she just didn't feel like going straight home.

Get rid of the GPS application. Delete it. Turn it off. Whatever it takes. To make it harder if not impossible to use.

Oh, as for doing what you are doing, I wouldn't. My husband is in pest control. He is constantly alone in houses and apartments with other women. Some of them he sees every month. Some every three months. Each day, I have only a vague idea of where he is or even should be (cancellations and rescheduling happen all the time.) I don't know when he will be home in the evening. It is a cheaters dream. Some of the places he ends up are not friendly to cell phones. If I need to call him and don't get a hold of him. I wait awhile and try again or I leave a voice mail and wait for him to call me when he has service or time to. I don't automatically assume that he is putting me off while playing with someone else and I know what a flirt my husband is. I trust him and have for 25 years. Trust is a wonderful thing when you truly feel it.

It's beyond me , how in the world do you function in your daily life.
What do you do when you're at work? You have very low self esteem and you desperately need to work on that.

However much you want to believe in it. It cannot tell you exactly where she is. It can't tell you who she sees or she talks to. It can't tell you if she is taking a detour to get around someone/thing blocking the street. It can't tell you if she decided she wanted a longer walk to get some exercise or because she just didn't feel like going straight home.

Cat is so right.

People in finance say that if you watch the market every second, you are going to have little disappointments all day long. Every time the market dips for an hour, you feel bad. It comes back up, but that doesn't compensate for the other stresses. Stockbrokers are paid to absorb that stress, so it makes no sense to pay your stockbroker and then stress over every change in the market. The more often people look--every hour, every day, once a week or once a month, the more stress they feel.

Clickhaus, you are doing this with your wife. Every time your wife does something you don't understand, every time the gps is a little off, every time she steps into a shop that's not on the phone map--you are going to freak out. Then when she comes home, you'll be "off" in ways she can't put her finger on. But this stuff utterly destroys your peace of mind and destroys intimacy between the two of you. For your own happiness, if not hers, you must give up this addiction to knowing her whereabouts.

Cat is so right.

People in finance say that if you watch the market every second, you are going to have little disappointments all day long. Every time the market dips for an hour, you feel bad. It comes back up, but that doesn't compensate for the other stresses. Stockbrokers are paid to absorb that stress, so it makes no sense to pay your stockbroker and then stress over every change in the market. The more often people look--every hour, every day, once a week or once a month, the more stress they feel.

Clickhaus, you are doing this with your wife. Every time your wife does something you don't understand, every time the gps is a little off, every time she steps into a shop that's not on the phone map--you are going to freak out. Then when she comes home, you'll be "off" in ways she can't put her finger on. But this stuff utterly destroys your peace of mind and destroys intimacy between the two of you. For your own happiness, if not hers, you must give up this addiction to knowing her whereabouts.

Hope you look at these post and read them.

Wow, I think you need to see a psychiatrist. A marriage is based on love, friendship and trust and I don't think you have any of those.

Wow, I think you need to see a psychiatrist. A marriage is based on love, friendship and trust and I don't think you have any of those.







Self esteem and trust issues... as the above post said love, friendship and trust.

Wow, I think you need to see a psychiatrist. A marriage is based on love, friendship and trust and I don't think you have any of those.

He has started to see a counselor, so we can't expect instant results from him :D

Thanks everyone
I really don't expect her to report on everything she does or on everywhere she goes as such. I understand that some days she may choose to take a walk differently to other days or to take a detour for one reason or another and again I am not expecting a report, I really am not that bad. But when she walked around to the back of her apartments there was a different agenda here. There was absolutely no reason to go there unless there was a specific reason to do so. If she just walked Kevin home at least she could have said that she had met up with Kevin, fine, except she would have walked him to the front entrance. Absolutely no need to walk around to the back. So there was a specific reason to do so and that is what bothers me especially when she absolutely denied going there. I agree the GPS isn't always accurate but it is accurate enough to show this detail. So to deny being there on this occasion and to tell me on a previous occasion when I called at that moment that she had just left our apartment to go out when in fact she hadn't reached home yet, this is very puzzling and it sticks in my head. You guys have mentioned that you would ignore these things, so relationships seem to be based I ignorant bliss. What the eyes don't see the heart cannot grieve over basically, rather than simple explanation.

I have another 3 weeks before my counselor returns from holiday. Its hard.

There was absolutely no reason to go there unless there was a specific reason to do so. If she just walked Kevin home at least she could have said that she had met up with Kevin, fine, except she would have walked him to the front entrance. Absolutely no need to walk around to the back. So there was a specific reason to do so and that is what bothers me especially when she absolutely denied going there. [... ]

You guys have mentioned that you would ignore these things, so relationships seem to be based I ignorant bliss. What the eyes don't see the heart cannot grieve over basically, rather than simple explanation.

People say "within 100 meters" is super accurate for most of these phones (though some are clearly more accurate). And there are a lot of places she could have been that are 100 meters away. I'm still not convinced you really know for sure where she was at that moment.

But let's assume your tracker is ultra accurate and she was exactly where you think she was. People do sometimes do things they think will upset you or they would rather you didn't know about. Since you are so jealous, I'm sure she knows you would rather she didn't see Kevin. So she walks back with Kelly, stops to talk to Kevin. (The reasons could be innocuous, Kelly had a DVD of his to return, or your wife did. They went to the back door because painters were working in the front entry. Whatever.)

Then your wife gets home, she's already decided to not mention it, so you won't get upset, but you ask her directly if she was there. Whoa! She's not expecting you to ask that and denies it, even though it was totally innocent. What she really means is, "I didn't do anything wrong." She's probably wondering how on earth you guessed and if you are having her followed. People should not lie, but sometimes they do. You are definitely lying to her, so you are really not in a position to criticize.

Don't invade her privacy and don't make her lie. But most important, yes, sometimes it's better not to know and better to just accept the parts of a relationship that work very well. For example, suppose a pretty woman walks by and my boyfriend checks her out when I'm not looking. I think he shouldn't do that, but he maybe can't help it. Or maybe he can help it, but does it anyway. I don't want to know that he did it or what he was thinking. I don't want to know if he thought about her later when we were making love. Where's the up side to that kind of knowledge? Trust is something you choose to do. Not always easy though.


What the eyes don't see the heart cannot grieve over basically, rather than simple explanation.

I like this. You aren't the only person who sometimes tries to find out things that will only raise doubt and cause pain where there was none before.

It seems like you have a chance to be happy, but it requires something of you.

You guys have mentioned that you would ignore these things, so relationships seem to be based I ignorant bliss. What the eyes don't see the heart cannot grieve over basically, rather than simple explanation.
No, they're based on trust. If something were going on, I would get other clues. I never have, nor have I been less than trustworthy. We don't even open or read each other's email or regular mail. I don't need to use GPS 24/7.

The saying is that someone who isn't trusting usually isn't trustworthy.

Sorry, to clarify. She walked around to the back of her old apartment [where Kevin still lives] when our apartment complex is on the main road in front of her old apartment.

I have another 3 weeks before my counselor returns from holiday. Its hard.
I always referred my clients to someone else if I weren't available. Isn't there someone else you can go to meanwhile?

Sorry, to clarify. She walked around to the back of her old apartment [where Kevin still lives] when our apartment complex is on the main road in front of her old apartment.
Maybe she was throwing something into the Dumpster or following a stray cat.

Why does it have to be Kevin? There must be other people in that building. Or maybe she didn't have the phone for that 10 minutes and it was someone else carrying it. Like Wondergirl says, there are so many possibilities-from cats to who knows what. Plus of course the possibility that the phone is every now and then off by one or two hundred yards.

Also, earlier you dismissed the idea that Kelly was talking to Kevin because, you said, Kelly is married. So is your wife! Why do you trust Kelly more?

I am really glad you are getting the book! Meantime, delete the tracking software and put this out of your mind for 2 days. See if you can just will yourself to think nothing but good thoughts about your beautiful wife for 48 hours.

I think one of us should be tracking YOU, clickaus.

One of Hotchkiss' seven deadly sins of narcissism is #7 --

Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply* to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

*narcissistic supply -- The malignant narcissist receives psychological gratification from feelings of power that come from the outside world [and controlling another person]. Over time, the malignant narcissist becomes accustomed (even addicted) to this form of psychological gratification. Similar to other addictions, the narcissist needs to feed off other people's emotions for narcissistic supply to help stimulate their psychological needs. Without narcissistic supply, the narcissist will undergo withdrawal symptoms similar to a drug addict.

Do you go to the bathroom with her? Do you watch her every move when she is with you? Maybe the reason the woman is taking the long way is to have some peace and quiet.

What in the devil is wrong with you?

Clickaus

Just out of curiosity , do you by any chance also check her Phone??

Clickaus

Just out of curiosity , do you by any chance also check her Phone ???

OMG... I forgot to ask that!

And her mail, email, IM history, clothing (the sniff test is good), the bags when she comes in from shopping ("Yo, sweetie, what did you buy today? -- oh, what's this book of love poetry for? You know I hate reading poetry")...

and her mail, email, im history, clothing (the sniff test is good), the bags when she comes in from shopping....



Wg... :d

Kelly doesn't know Kevin and Kevin was her ex flatmate in that apartment complex.
Hmm yes sometimes I check her phone and she looks through mind [maybe for different reasons]. She goes through my email at home as I don't hide that, whereas I never get to see hers, but that doesn't seem to bother me. And no, I don't go to the bathroom with her.. sometimes the shower but that's another story :)

I mean Kevin was my wife's ex flatmate, before she was my wife, not Kelly's.

Keep seeing the counselor!

I mean Kevin was my wife's ex flatmate, before she was my wife, not Kelly's.

Ex Flatmate , not Ex BF. So surely if she wanted anything to do with Kevin other than friendship she would have back then , and not married you.

I really believe your making something out of nothing because of being cheated on in the past , can't you see that's not fair to her?

If she wanted Kevin or anyone else
She would have married them.

We have know each other just a few months.
Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7.


I am 55 she is 43, her daughter 17
Currently she doesn't work


We met online, dating agency, as soon as we established we were an item we both cancelled our subscription.

So you have known her just shy of 7 months. I would be insecure too! But that's no excuse at all for your actions, or hers (in marrying you!)!!

So you have known her just shy of 7 months. I would be insecure too! But thats no excuse at all for your actions, or hers (in marrying you!)!!!

Exactly... Great Point

Hi guys.
I am trying so hard to be a better guy, trying so hard to put things into perspective, trying so hard to put past bad relationships back in a box.
I called my wife as I usually do during the day, a morning break or a lunch break. This day I called during my lunch break just to say hi.. when she tells me she was at the shopping mall just having a coffee with Kevin [those who have been reading my saga will know who Kevin is], I was a little taken back and she asked if I wanted speak with him, I did, and he just said they are having coffee at 'Gloria Jeans' in the Mall. I tried to be civil and polite by saying that we haven't really been introduce properly and suggested all of us 'catch up for dinner'. He then handed my wife back on the phone. She could tell I wasn't happy, but I was calm. I known they spent at least 2 hours together. On the way home I was trying so hard to tell myself it was OK, but I couldn't stop being so upset about it. When I got home my wife could tell I wasn't happy. We talked, I learned that she actually called him to arrange to go for coffee, again I could understand why she would do that knowing that I wouldn't be happy. It ended up with her being upset and me feeling bad. She has a lot of time on her hands as she doesn't work and Kevin has just finished his exams so he has more free time. I said It was important that I meet Kevin but she says that he isn't so comfortable and he doesn't so much free time... he was able to find two hours to meet with her though. I am confused and hurt and scared. I still believe that it is not appropriate for a married woman to call and spend time with single male friends. Am I wrong? She doesn't seem to adhere to the same thinking and says she wants to meet and talk with people to help learn english, I understand this but when she says 'talking with friends' I can't help but think she refers to friends as 'guys' I could be wrong but that's what I think is implied and it is causing confusion and concern with me. I need your wrath again guys

Relax guy, calm down. For a change I agree with you. But you have to let her know in a gentle way that its okay to have male friends (My wife has many), but its just respect that you know her friends.

Keep it simple, and keep it calm, and matter of fact, just because it is.

Relax guy, calm down. For a change I agree with you. But you have to let her know in a gentle way that its okay to have male friends (My wife has many), but its just respect that you know her friends.

Keep it simple, and keep it calm, and matter of fact, just because it is.

I agree with Tal... as he said; keep it calm. Don't accuse him of anything.

Thank you
When we first started our relationship I immediately introduced her to as many of my immediate friends as I could, some friends I haven't seen in a while so I haven't counted those. The first friend I introduced her to was my female friend who is also Chinese, so I thought it would be good for my wife to have someone to talk to in her own language, she is married and with a child and we have been friends for 12 years. I maintain there is a difference as she is married I am married and we both have met each others family/partner we have been to their place many times. BUT since being in a relationship I have never called or contacted any of my single female friends [although I did get a birthday call from my ex girlfriend, who lives in Japan, when I was walking with my wife one day. That was awkward]. And because she knows I get upset I start wondering how many times she actually meets him and doesn't mention it knowing I would be upset. Confusing.


I have learned that he is supposed to be coming for dinner Sunday afternoon. Now I am a little apprehensive as I don't know how I am going to feel or how I am going handle it. How do I act naturally when I have so much in my head.

I have learned that he is supposed to be coming for dinner Sunday afternoon. Now I am a little apprehensive as I don't know how I am going to feel or how I am going handle it. How do I act naturally when I have so much in my head.






Just as you would treat a friend. Just as she would treat one of your friends. Be friendly and make him feel at home. You don't know if there is anything going on.

Just to be clear Tal, which bit do you agree with?

About you knowing her friends personally, man, or woman.

Hi guys
Things have been fairly calm over the past few weeks.
Early in our relationship she made a throw away comment about her eagerness in learning english something like 'if I am at the shopping mall someone could say 'hi pretty lady can I buy you a coffee' and she said that she could practice to learn english. Those of you who have followed my saga may remember that this was a sticking point for me as I was concerned that this was an indication of her character. I have mentioned this comment a couple of times suggesting it made me a little worried and at one time she actually said that 'If I told you that never happened would you feel better', OK. Last night we were talking about things in general which brought up the same topic. About meeting people on a day to day basis that you come in contact with living in the area and just saying hi in passing. I reminded her that my concern about being too friendly started with her throw away comment about someone in a shopping mall inviting her for coffee. She then said OK this guy who is a security guy at the shopping mall ask her to have a coffee and they had a nice chat, she said he a retired guy [so what]. So there were my concerns of all this time had come out in this conversation. A stranger invited her for coffee and she accepted, obviously a stranger who was interested enough to ask her for coffee. Of course, I didn't think ask as to whether she had seen him since, now that has filled my head with another set of unanwered questions. I ask you, is this a normal part of a relationship. I am confused as to what is regarded normal and acceptable behaviour and what is not. I what so much to have a normal relationship, have the trust the all of you say is paramount in a relationship, but I cannot understand why she has the need to talk to so many people. It always seems to be guys that she talks to... a guy in the elevator on the way to putting out the garbage... a security guy at the mall... so confused as to what to acceptable and normal. I need your comments again please.

Geeze... It might be a little odd, but I don't think he's going to run away with her. You need to get a grip.

I may add that she seems to think, for her, this is normal behaviour. Being friendly to people. And as long as this is in a public place not a private place, this is normal behaviour.. I ask that for mutual trust I would have to trust that she wasn't 'getting to know' new people [guys] over coffee etc.

I may add that she seems to think, for her, this is normal behaviour. Being friendly to people. And as long as this is in a public place not a private place, this is normal behaviour.. I ask that for mutual trust I would have to trust that she wasn't 'getting to know' new people [guys] over coffee etc.

She'ss a friendly person. I'm sure this retired guy was no Brad Pitt. Her safety I would be more concerned about. Give her a break or I promise... she will find someone else and really I couldn't blame her if you keep on interrogating her. You would drive me insane.

She's not a prisoner nor a possession... Knock off the questions.
Sorry, but being blunt is the only way to get through to you.

Clickaus,
If my boyfriend had coffee with a woman he met at the mall, I'd be feeling insecure too. But most people here don't seem to agree. Maybe some of us are more given to jealousy.

And, also, I can't imagine myself talking to a security guard in a way that would suggest that he should even ask to have coffee with me. And if he did I would say thanks but no, absolutely if I was in a relationship. Saying yes starts to look like you are interested in being picked up. And what are you going to say to the guy next time you need to pick up some socks at Penny's? Are we best buds now? Just my take.

I somehow missed this particular comment of hers earlier. Like you, I would be unhappy, though I know a lot of people think it's cool.

All that said, I think you married someone who is outgoing and feels this is fine. So you need to find a way to accommodate it and learn to trust. Tell her it makes you sad and anxious, but don't lay down rules or try to control her. She's a free person. It's tough!

How was the dinner?

Thanks Asking, you get my concern. You are spot on in my concern about how did she even get into the conversation in the first place that got to asking to have coffee, I am so confused. I don't want to interrogate her as Kit Kat suggested I was doing but I need to be clear in my heart and my mind as to what she was thinking when she got into that kind of conversation with him... its OK to say hi in passing with people you see in passing on a day to day basis, but what conversation do you have once you've asked Hi how are you and lovely weather we are having. I have tendencies to be jealous, sure, it is a human condition, but only when events trigger it. How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable.

The gps, are you still doing that?

Not as often

You need to develop coping skills to help you deal with those feelings and given your age, and experiences you would have already gotten them under control.This is not about her, or what she does, its about the way you react to it.

Basically you are so scared and insecure, you want to basically change what she does, how she does it, to make you stop shaking in your boots, and thinking the worst.

I talk a lot of people being carried away by their feelings and it leads them on a roller coaster of intense feelings and decisions and choices based on those feelings.

Maybe counseling has not progressed enough to the point of you being guided to positive ways to handle your feelings yet, and I am at a loss really as to what advice to give you as frankly I am unable to understand your lack of honest communications with your own wife that can put all of this to bed.

But first you would have to face some facts about yourself, and the actions you have taken thus far, because of your insecure tendencies, and high level of discomfort.

Dude your suffering and missing a lot of happiness and release that can come with a full disclosure, a confession of wacky behavior and be willing to show your complete heart in an honest way.

She probably has no clue the extent of your insecurities and fears, and cannot work with you until she knows the truth. At least she deserves a chance to make a decision based on facts.

Maybe she will be shocked, and hurt, or maybe she will understand, or maybe both. You will never know, and be caught in the trap of your own mind forever unless you do.

Confess it all, and come clean to her, after all she is supposed to be your wife and a relationship built on fear, insecurity, and lies is doomed any way.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help.. Please.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help..Please.

He already is working with a counselor and he does seem to be making some progress, albeit slow. I can understand your frustration Kitkat, but you do seem to be a bit on the attack, even though he is asking some legitimate questions. I don't think tearing him apart is going to push him the right direction.

His question of: "How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable." shows some flexibility and progress.

He does have trust issues and is still using the GPS. Yes he is trying. I also feel he is not very secure about himself and he does need to work on that. And I don't think tearing him apart is what I'm doing. Just trying to get him to realize his insecurities are going to drive his wife away. Thanks for the opinion.

Hi y'all

Kitkat, you say 'Knock off the questions', if I have concerns I need to find a way to communicate these concerns with my wife in a way that is not confrontational, controlling or appearing to be too jealous [I believe a little jealousy in a relationship is healthy as it shows care, concern and true feelings], it would be unhealthy to bottle them up to fester. I have just been asking for a way I can do this. I am very aware that I am dealing with two cultures here I need to show her that the culture here is so much different to China. People in China are very sociable, but here is quite different if a guy asks a women to have coffee with him there is usually an ulterior motive. Not just to be sociable. I need to have this peace of mind and heart that she understands this and these are the reasons I feel this way. I am just looking for guidance to help communicate this.. I feel that 'Asking' has an understanding of my feelings here whereas most others are essentially saying 'pull yourself together man'

Don't get me wrong, I thank everybody for their input, it does help.