Hi, All!

Well, relationship issues come up on this site frequently, as well as on a host of other sites.

Boyfriend's cheating, someone dating a married person, long distance relationships started that obviously won't work, getting over your ex, how to make someone fall in love with you, dating a person who is really too young for you to date, having no contact with an ex, breaking up being hard to do... The list could go on and on...

I guess that we all have a human need to at least have someone else who we can trust who might be an intimate friend and perhaps, maybe even a lover. Just my opinion, though.

But, is having an intimate relationship the kind of relationship that something everyone has to have and is a necessity?

I don't think so.

What are your opinions, please?

Thanks!

If you were intimate I doubt he would be having hour long showers! Haha sorry had to say it!

On a scale of one to ten,I'd say a six.. .

What's most important to me right now,is the fact that I have some really solid friendships and a decent relationship with myself.

Quoting Tal-a relationship should be a bonus.

I think too many people are stuck in relationships that have outlasted their best-by-date and don't have the courage to break up.

I think it's a nice thing to share with your partner. It's a way of connecting like you do with nobody else. But its not everything!
Its very nice to have! Haha I am still young!

No, intimacy isn't a necessity. I married a guy who turns out to have Asperger's. Intimacy is not something someone with Asperger's wants, or even is capable of. And I'm not talking about intimacy being the same as sex. We do have two kids. Intimacy is something far more than sex.

Perhaps we need to define intimacy.

My friends are my family, J_9. That's a given. I just thought that I would post the question. I've been alone for a long time, but I'm not lonely. There is a difference.

It seems that some people are so concerned about their intimate relationships, that they lose track of who they really are. It seems like they just HAVE to HAVE that other person in their life.

Why? I don't really get it...

I'm a renaissance person. Self sufficient. I don't think it's weird, but maybe others do. Don't know...

Getting personal here again. Not really my style to be revealing myself on some site, other than for business purposes. But, there are so many people that I've come to know and love on the online thing on this site. I don't really participate on the other online sites, although I might be a member on them.

Yeah, your kids know that you're both happy with each other and continue on as a family! My kids know that too with me. They also know that things would have never worked out with my ex-wife and me. She's now re-married and my daughter disliked her step-dad so much that she's now living with me.

I don't know everything that was going on there. Really, none of my business.

Oh well, just my thoughts here...

Thanks!

Well, some of you posted while I was typing my diatribe.

Later...

Thanks!

Clough. Intimate relationships are not absolutely needed in the way of lovers however a human needs to be able to communicate their feelings. Humans as a general rule are social by nature and the thought of being a hermit (while maybe tempting to get away from everything for a while) is not plausible in my opinion. Without someone to talk to you stew in your own thoughts and sometimes the worst place for a person is lost within himself. People who live their lives alone have a higher tendency not to care about things and or themselves. So I would say that someone has to be close to you at some point for some time in order for you to develop correctly in the world today. However in my own opinion I could not live without a lover. Love making to me is the key to confidence and a much closer bond to that special someone. Love making should be and remain a sacred right between two people in love and that person with whom you share your body should by all means be the closest person to your heart in exsistance. Someone whom you cherish above all else and almost even worship, certainly someone to dout upon. This person should know more about you than you do yourself and you her/him. Having an intimate relationship with your special someone is one of the most important things in life to me (btw that does not mean sex and/or sex alone.) intamicy is such a broad term that it can apply to anyone from a personal friend, a lover, or even a parent. For example I have a sharing relationship (intimate) with my sister because I tell her everything that happens in my life, or My fiancé is the closest person to me because we are not only best friends that share but also lovers and comrades. Its all very broad and all very important to me. I love intimacy with other people, it makes me feel excepted to know that I can tell most people anything I want without being judged.

I am perhaps the most anti relationship guy out there. To be completely honest, I love having my own freedom. Maybe "anti" isn't the right word, but being attached with a significant other is not a priority at all for me. Some people differ in that mentality, but I have NEVER been a relationship guy.

I will also say I probably don't represent the majority of people on here. I am a unique character to say the least. But whatever makes you happy, I say go for it!

I can co exist with either, I can be alone and yet not be alone(weird I know) but I can also handle the pressures of a relationship. I don't think intimacy is needed but a lot of us welcome it. A lot of people search for that one person they share a special connection with, it's not sex it's something far deeper. The way they can finish a sentence that you started. I think intimacy goes far deeper than the physical aspect of things.

Here's my two cents.

If you have ever experienced loneiness for a good period,a strange thing happens,you start to crave your own company,when once you may have hated being on your own now you crave it... for me anyway.

I'm in a relationship,it's a good one,id even go out on a limb and say the best one yet for me,it has all the ingredients of long lasting,but the best thing about it is,we make time for each other,AND give each other that much needed 'me' time.

That's a key element that makes us work.

Id still be quite happy on my own.

No it's not necessary but sometimes it just happens...
Some are great others just won't work.

I can co exist with either, I can be alone and yet not be alone(weird I know) but I can also handle the pressures of a relationship. I don't think intimacy is needed but a lot of us welcome it. A lot of people search for that one person they share a special connection with, it's not sex it's something far deeper. The way they can finish a sentence that you started. I think intimacy goes far deeper than the physical aspect of things.

Being alone and lonely are two different things to me, Romefalls19. I think that you and I are on the same "page" here, although we might use different terminology.

The intimacy that you describe is very much the same as I seek out. If it's that way, then I would say that I have at least a few, very intimate relationships. They're not physical relationships, but are built very much on the mental and emotional levels.

If you were intimate I doubt he would be having hour long showers!! haha sorry had to say it!

What is this concerning, dynocompe? I'm a man who is a heterosexual! I will say though, that one of my best friends with whom I'm very intimate is gay. If I were gay, then he would no doubt, be my lover.

But, our relationship goes beyond the physical things...

To me, it's true love!

Thanks!

No, intimacy isn't a necessity. I married a guy who turns out to have Asperger's. Intimacy is not something someone with Asperger's wants, or even is capable of. And I'm not talking about intimacy being the same as sex. We do have two kids. Intimacy is something far more than sex.

Perhaps we need to define intimacy.

You're so darned smart, Wondergirl! I wish that you were my neighbor as well as my friend on the local level!

Yes, perhaps intimacy needs to be defined here. I wrote my original question very late when I was very tired. But, I'm not going to change it. It stands as perhaps a harbinger for thoughts and ideas yet to come...

Perhaps "intimacy" means something different for a man as compared to a woman?

I'm just throwing that out there...

Thanks!

heres my two cents.

if you have ever experienced loneiness for a good period of time,a strange thing happens,you start to crave your own company,when once you may have hated being on your own now you crave it...for me anyway.

im in a relationship,its a good one,id even go out on a limb and say the best one yet for me,it has all the ingredients of long lasting,but the best thing about it is,we make time for each other,AND give eachother that much needed 'me' time.

thats a key element that makes us work.

id still be quite happy on my own.

I can honestly say that I'm never lonely, redhed35. I just operate for the most part, alone. I do work well in tangent with others, but most of the nature of the work that I do are the types that most people would do alone.

There are times when I definitely feel alone, but I wouldn't call it loneliness. I really feel and think that there is a big difference between feeling alone and being lonely.

To me, being lonely means that a person wants for another living being with which to be intimate in one way or another.

I'm glad that you're in a relationship and I hope that it works out great for you! You are also truly a boon to this site, and I hope that you continue here :)

For my beliefs, I don't think it's an accident that certain people happen to come into the lives of others at times in their lives.

Thanks!

Originally posted by redhed35

I totally agree with you there.

So, are you just going to leave me hangin' here, reddy?

Thank you for your comment!

I posted the original question because there seems to be so many people that think they can't be without someone else in their lives.

That's the basics...

I don't understand why they might think that and would like to have a better understanding of why they think the way that they do.

Thanks!

So, are you just going to leave me hangin' here, reddy?

Thank you for your comment!

I posted the original question because there seems to be so many people that think they can't be without someone else in their lives.

That's the basics...

I don't understand why they might think that and would like to have a better understanding of why they think the way that they do.

Thanks!


I don't know clough,but in my experience,some people feel like there missing out on something,'the one' a soulmate,and search and search never waiting around long enough to give any relationship a chance to grow,or getting to know themselves.

As for intimate relationships,I agree with wondergirl on that one.

i dont know clough,but in my experience,some people feel like there missing out on something,'the one' a soulmate,and search and search never waiting around long enough to give any relationship a chance to grow,or getting to know themselves.

as for intimate relationships,i agree with wondergirl on that one.

But, why do they feel that they absolutely have to have someone else in their life?

That's what I have trouble understanding. It seems like an obsession rather than something that might be normal! I guess that I'm clueless! :confused:

Thanks

It's amazing where you can find intimacy. There was a homeless man who used to hang out at the public library where I worked for 25 years. He was always clean and well-behaved, but scruffy and wore mismatched clothes. One day about 10-12 years ago, I introduced myself to him and asked him his name. That was the start of a wonderful friendship.

Jerry is a voracious reader of newspapers and books (especially history) and is a keen observer of people. As you can imagine, public libraries, like bus stations and airports, are great places to observe people. Jerry and I are intimates -- no romance, no sex, no kissy stuff -- but we have our inside jokes, often have similar assessments of situations (I've often chuckled at his no-comment eye-rolling or eyebrow-raising during a patron upset or library incident), and share a deep love for libraries. Through conversations on the fly, we got to know each other well.

I would come to work and walk up the steps to the front door near where Jerry was smoking a cheap cigarette, and ask him, "How're things?" He wouldn't have to say a word. His eyes would meet mine and silently tell a tale of a thousand words. To me, that's intimacy.

Perhaps because of the environment in which they were reared?

TV,hollywood,everyone's doing it kind of thing...

Example,if I'm on my own there must be something wrong with me... so,instead of being happy on my own ill make myself more miserable by jumping from relationship to relationship,not getting close enough for the intimacy they want or need.

Perhaps I'm clueless too.

In general, I believe that we all seek: happiness and comfort. However, everyone has a different interpretation of happiness and comfort, which can be separated in two categories.

If you can find happiness and comfort alone, then mission accomplished!

If you find happiness and comfort by sharing your life with someone you care about deeply, then mission accomplished!

The problem occurs when you're stuck in limbo or in the process. The process can be fustrating at times.

Those who can find happiness and comfort by themselves have an easier time than those who need to find another person. Reason being, we can't control how others feel about us. So not only do we have to worry about ourselves, but we also have to worry about how the other person feels.

We can put yourselves out there to increase our chances of finding significant others, but there are no guarantees that we can find someone who will share the same feelings. Therefore, it's also important to be happy with ourselves, otherwise life can be miserable if we're constantly searching for something that we can't find.

I think sometimes we want something so bad, we overlook the obvious, and fall for anything, just to have something. We hang on, and just can't let go, even when we see that its no good for us.

I have learned to appreciate what I have got, and enjoy it, rather than look for something I may never find.

Good things have a tendency of showing up when you need it, besides, half the time we are not sure of what it is we are looking for, nor would recognize it, if it smacked us between the eyes. I think you have to make the most of what you have, and not worry about what you don't, and honestly, that in itself is a lot of work.

I am married, I am happy, I love my husband and we have a wonderful relationship. He really is my best friend, my lover, my partner in every way.

Now, if I was single, I don't think I'd be out there looking. I like myself, I like being with myself, heck, I'm a fun person to hang out with. ;) I wouldn't want a relationship just so I can say I'm in a relationship. That's not my style, never has been.

I met my hubby at 19. We clicked and we've never stopped clicking. If he died tomorrow (heaven forbid!) then yes, I'd feel like a part of my soul was torn out of me, not because of the lack of a physical presence in my life, but for the lack of him, his humor, his love, his acceptance, just... him. I'd miss him every day of my life, but I'd go on.

I don't think you need a "significant other" in your life if you yourself are significant.

Just my two cents. If it makes sense. ;)

It's amazing where you can find intimacy. There was a homeless man who used to hang out at the public library where I worked for 25 years. He was always clean and well-behaved, but scruffy and wore mismatched clothes. One day about 10-12 years ago, I introduced myself to him and asked him his name. That was the start of a wonderful friendship.

Jerry is a voracious reader of newspapers and books (especially history) and is a keen observer of people. As you can imagine, public libraries, like bus stations and airports, are great places to observe people. Jerry and I are intimates -- no romance, no sex, no kissy stuff -- but we have our inside jokes, often have similar assessments of situations (I've often chuckled at his no-comment eye-rolling or eyebrow-raising during a patron upset or library incident), and share a deep love for libraries. Through conversations on the fly, we got to know each other well.

I would come to work and walk up the steps to the front door near where Jerry was smoking a cheap cigarette, and ask him, "How're things?" He wouldn't have to say a word. His eyes would meet mine and silently tell a tale of a thousand words. To me, that's intimacy.

Well, that was intimate and is intimate. All is well and good with that.

What I'm asking about here, is people who can't stand being without someone who's intimate with them in their lives. It could be in the sexual sense. Physical, personal, emotional, it's hard to describe, but I'm sure that there are those who know what I'm talking about here!

To me, some of us just simply don't need someone else in our lives in order for us to reach our full potential to be a person who realizes their full worth and is a productive and positive contributor to society.

Thanks!

perhaps because of the enviroment in which they were reared?

tv,hollywood,everyones doing it kinda thing....

example,if im on my own there must be something wrong with me...so,instead of being happy on my own ill make myself more miserable by jumping from relationship to relationship,not getting close enough for the intimacy they want or need.

perhaps im clueless too.

Products of the environment. You may be on to something there, reddy!

I choose not to be a product of the enrironment or the status quo.

I just don't understand why some people think that they have to be in some kind of close, intimate relationship with someone else in order for them to feel that they are complete as a person.

Thanks!

I think that a lot of times the people that desperately search for 'the one' don't see the many good people that are right there in front of them.

There are so many people that take for granted the huge bank of love available to them from other intimate relationships in their lives.

I think that there are also a lot of people that want someone to fill a void they must fill themselves with their own love for themselves. (Was going to use the term self love but thought the connotations might lower the tone ;) )

I am not there yet myself. I have my own issues I have to address before I feel I am anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship but I think I am on the right track. But my search for love for myself isn't to the goal of being in a relationship. In all honesty, look around, relationships are a dime a dozen as long as you are willing to settle. It is rare that true love is found in this world, in my opinion. I think that intimacy, not sexual but emotional, is rare. Too often the alternate meanings of the word are not separated and people run head long into relationships that will never work, and stay because the fear of loneliness is crippling.

But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.

There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Am I alone? No, I have a lot of friends and family that are around me that are ready to support me and love me should I ever need anything. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yes. But it is not the want of 'someone' in my life that makes me feel this way, it is jealousy. Genuinely, Green is not normally my colour but I get a small tinge when I see people that have found truly intimate sexual love, a partner. But then I give myself a second and I'm smiling in the knowledge that it is possible, it is out there, which is something that is easy to forget.

Ok might have gone on a bit of a speil here but its just my 2c.

In general, I believe that we all seek: happiness and comfort. However, everyone has a different interpretation of happiness and comfort, which can be seperated in two categories.

If you can find happiness and comfort alone, then mission accomplished!

If you find happiness and comfort by sharing your life with someone you care about deeply, then mission accomplished!

The problem occurs when you're stuck in limbo or in the process. The process can be fustrating at times.

Those who can find happiness and comfort by themselves have an easier time than those who need to find another person. Reason being, we can't control how others feel about us. So not only do we have to worry about ourselves, but we also have to worry about how the other person feels.

We can put yourselves out there to increase our chances of finding significant others, but there are no guarantees that we can find someone who will share the same feelings. Therefore, it's also important to be happy with ourselves, otherwise life can be miserable if we're constantly searching for something that we can't find.

Wise words and well written by you, I wish!

I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

Thanks!

I am married, I am happy, I love my husband and we have a wonderful relationship. He really is my best friend, my lover, my partner in every way.

Now, if I was single, I don't think I'd be out there looking. I like myself, I like being with myself, heck, I'm a fun person to hang out with. ;) I wouldn't want a relationship just so I can say I'm in a relationship. That's not my style, never has been.

I met my hubby at 19. We clicked and we've never stopped clicking. If he died tomorrow (heaven forbid!) then yes, I'd feel like a part of my soul was torn out of me, not because of the lack of a physical presence in my life, but for the lack of him, his humor, his love, his acceptance, just...him. I'd miss him every day of my life, but I'd go on.

I don't think you need a "significant other" in your life if you yourself are significant.

Just my two cents. If it makes sense. ;)


Okay, so you're not a seeker. I'm trying to figure out why some people are seekers. It would appear that the majority of people postiting questions about relationships on this site are seekers.

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I just don't understand the mentality of a seeker.

Thanks!

Clough

I think the reason most people we see on here are seekers is that most of them have just been dumped and therefore because they are in a state of emotional turmoil are just reaching out for someone , anyone to ease their pain and redeem a bit of self esteem.

Just my take on it :)

Good thread though and some very valid and interesting discussion.

Wise words and well written by you, I wish!

I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

Thanks!

What's even more puzzling is that some people obviously have the need to find that significant other to be happy, but at the same time, they aren't willing to spend the time to get to develop stronger bonds to see if there is a potential.

I'm on the side of wanting to have a significant other to share my life with. Since I'm one of the people who baffles you, I can tell you that I don't know why I feel this way. It seems like this feeling is naturally implanted in me. There's no reason behind it, it's just a feeling.

It's like our favorite color. How do we explain why a certain color is our favorite? I would say that it's a feeling that was naturally implanted in our brains from when we were born and it's rare that we would change our favorite color.

Clough, you just happen to be the type who is capable of finding happiness within oneself.

Originally Posted by Clough
Wise words and well written by you, I wish!

I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

Thanks!


What's even more puzzling is that some people obviously have the need to find that significant other to be happy, but at the same time, they aren't willing to spend the time to get to develop stronger bonds to see if there is a potential.

I'm on the side of wanting to have a significant other to share my life with. Since I'm one of the people who baffles you, I can tell you that I don't know why I feel this way. It seems like this feeling is naturally implanted in me. There's no reason behind it, it's just a feeling.

It's like our favorite color. How do we explain why a certain color is our favorite? I would say that it's a feeling that was naturally implanted in our brains from when we were born and it's rare that we would change our favorite color.

Clough, you just happen to be the type who is capable of finding happiness within oneself.

Well, you may be correct and maybe I just need to accept that. It's hard though, when I see so many others in need of something.

Thanks!

I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. If what you say is true, why are you on AMHD? Yes, you answer questions to help your fellow mankind. Yet, it doesn't stop with that. You don't seem to be an island unto yourself at all; you are very outgoing and friendly, engaging in Internet intimacy with many of us and apparently deriving satisfaction from that.

Originally Posted by Clough
I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.


Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. If what you say is true, why are you on AMHD? Yes, you answer questions to help your fellow mankind. Yet, it doesn't stop with that. You don't seem to be an island unto yourself at all; you are very outgoing and friendly, engaging in Internet intimacy with many of us and apparently deriving satisfaction from that.

Okay, maybe we really need to get back to what is the definition of being intimate. To me, I really don't think that it's possible to be "intimate" with someone via the Internet or in any other type of communication where writing only is used to communicate via an electronic means. I hope that makes sense.

It's just not the same to me as being able to hug someone, hold their hand, write them a love letter or song.

I'm on AMHD as a form of recreation and learning experience for me. I've learned a lot from others here. Hopefully, some of what I write is helpful also to others. True, I love to help people.

But, I really just don't see it as being intimate.

What's your definition of being intimate, Wondergirl?

Thanks!

I think that a lot of times the people that desperately search for 'the one' don't see the many good people that are right there in front of them.

There are so many people that take for granted the huge bank of love available to them from other intimate relationships in their lives.

I think that there are also a lot of people that want someone to fill a void they must fill themselves with their own love for themselves. (Was going to use the term self love but thought the connotations might lower the tone ;) )

I am not there yet myself. I have my own issues I have to address before I feel I am anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship but I think I am on the right track. But my search for love for myself isn't to the goal of being in a relationship. In all honesty, look around, relationships are a dime a dozen as long as you are willing to settle. It is rare that true love is found in this world, in my opinion. I think that intimacy, not sexual but emotional, is rare. Too often the alternate meanings of the word are not separated and people run head long into relationships that will never work, and stay because the fear of loneliness is crippling.

But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.

There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Am I alone? No, I have a lot of friends and family that are around me that are ready to support me and love me should I ever need anything. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yes. But it is not the want of 'someone' in my life that makes me feel this way, it is jealousy. Genuinely, Green is not normally my colour but I get a small tinge when I see people that have found truly intimate sexual love, a partner. But then I give myself a second and I'm smiling in the knowledge that it is possible, it is out there, which is something that is easy to forget.

Ok might have gone on a bit of a speil here but its just my 2c.

Your opinion is of huge value here and greatly appreciated, neverme! I agree that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

It's a difficult issue as to what people really want, need and feel as to what's being intimate.

I would love to be in an ongoing, intimate relationship with a woman! However, the pattern of what I do in my life doesn't seem to be real condusive to being able to have or maintain that type of relationship.

Why do you feel jealous, please? I used to feel jealous of other couples and musicians. But, not now... Haven't felt that way for many years.

Acceptance? Maturity? The realization of ones own worth?

Tough call... Don't really know the answers...


Originally posted by neverme

But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.

You're darned right with the above statement by you!

Thanks!

Okay, maybe we really need to get back to what is the definition of being intimate.
That's what I had asked for originally, a definition of intimate. Many of the contributors to this thread seem to be defining intimate as having someone to be romantic with, be in love with.

To me, intimacy is a very special connection -- the kind of a connection where two people know each other very well and are very emotionally connected. They don't have to be in love or romantic or thinking of each other as a potential partner. Yes, I believe intimacy is possible on the Internet. Emotions and a deep connection can flow through the telephone wires into print on another's screen. Of course, phone calls will heighten that level of intimacy. I know this kind of intimacy is possible because it has occurred in my life.

In real life, intimacy is a relationship (not necessarily romantic or sexual, although it could be either of those) in which one without thinking can finish sentences that the other starts, or when their eyes meet, they know exactly what the other is thinking. Jim and Pam sometimes do this on "The Office" (TV show). I mentioned earlier that library homeless guy Jerry and I got to know each other well enough that words were no longer necessary at times. I can't do this with my Asperger's husband because he does not make eye contact with me or anyone else and is totally at sea when it comes to expressing emotion.

Really I don't know if jealousy is the correct term. I suppose it is more of a longing for what they've got, in a way... but that isn't quite right either, but it is as close as I can get for right now.

I'll have a think and get back to you,

Thanks!

Really I don't know if jealousy is the correct term. I suppose it is more of a longing for what they've got, in a way....but that isn't quite right either, but it is as close as I can get for right now.
Envy is a feeling toward someone who has something you want but never had before.

Jealousy is a feeling toward someone who now has something that you once had and lost.

Envy is a feeling toward someone who has something you want but never had before.

Jealousy is a feeling toward someone who now has something that you once had and lost.

I would also add that:

Envy - is more of a positive feeling. You wish that you had the same thing and you can both have it. For example, he/she has an amazing bf/gf, I wish I had someone like that.

Jealousy - is more of a negative feeling. You wish you had the same thing, but hope that the other person didn't have it. For example, he/she is with the person I want, I wish I was with that person.

Well I stand corrected! :)

Agreed with ktiger

Well I stand corrected! :)
We weren't correcting you at all, but just explaining the difference between envy and jealousy. Most people don't know there's a difference.

We weren't correcting you at all, but just explaining the difference between envy and jealousy. Most people don't know there's a difference.

No you two were right, must have had a brain fart as I do know the difference but it just wouldn't come to me the exact word that I wanted. Bad English major! Bad! :p

Discussion continued?

I felt the need to give this thread a push since rebounds has been a common topic as of late.

I was thinking Clough. I think rebounds greatly contributes to one's need for intimacy. When we're in a relationship, we create an emotional and physical attachment to another person. When the relationship breaks down, there's an emotional and physical void. Some people feel the need to instantly fill that voids; thus, rebounds.

This probably doesn't explain all the situations, but it seems to be a common occurrence.

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to be part of our lives. But if we can't find happy by ourselves first, then basically completely depending on another person for happiness. It's like forgetting how to stand on your own and you constantly need another person to lean on to stand up straight.

Do you think that codependency would be more likely to then occur because of there being a rebound, I wish?

This might be a stretch, but being in a relationship is almost like a drug. We get hooked to the "feeling". For those who have not been in a relationship, they might not have the same intensity of "feeling" as those who have already been in a relationship.

Once we've experienced that "feeling", some might want to consistently have that feelings; thus, chronic daters and rebounding.

Again, this only explains some of the cases of the need/want for codependancy. There are always the people who are very content with their single life, even after a break up.

But I still believe that it's embeded in us from when we are born. Every person is unique. Every person has different wants and needs, which I feel are very biological.

I gave the metaphor of our favorite color. The same goes for food. How do we explain why a certain food is our favorite food? I believe that it's a biological answer and not by choice.

Maybe the old phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't have merit for everyone?

Years ago, when I was in an intimate relationship, it was very much like a drug. True love was there, but the emotional turmoil left my mind cloudy. We were dependent on one another to the extent that I would call it codependency. It was not the most healthy of relationships because of the codependency. We both really needed to be who and what we were without relying on the other person to make each of us who and what we were.

Since I'm not in that relationship any more, and have gotten "over" it to the extent to see it as it really was, I'm a much happier person.

The absence of the person in my life hurt for awhile. But, it did wane in time...

If I ever were to get together on intimate terms with that person again, it would be on much different terms because of the growth in maturity, knowledge and understanding.

I made this thread a sticky as it seems to be a popular issue.

I thought of another factor Clough. As you have been through several romantic relationships, you know the highs and lows of what it consists of. So because of that, you're more comfortable with yourself, as you have seen the other side (i.e. shared your life with someone else).

Those who haven't gone to the other side or haven't gone enough, can't determine if the grass is actually greener over there. So until people have discovered the truth, it's more difficult to make the assessment on whether a person is more comfortable by themselves or wanting to share their life with another person.

Hey thanks, I wish! :)

Maybe this is the wrong thread, maybe this has already been covered, but... I have to get this out there.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum here. I have absolutely no motivation to try to get into a relationship. I love being single, love being free to do whatever I want, and don't have an ounce of desire for companionship.

It's almost an anomaly here, a guy who just cares nothing about being with a significant other. I am so focused on my career, school and the next personal step of gratification that I rarely think about being in a relationship. How many others are anything like me? Don't get me wrong, it is a goal of mine to have a family and such, but I haven't even been tempted to really act on that. I am open, of course, for a relationship IF I ran into the right person, but it isn't something I actively pursue.

I feel like the clock is ticking. I'm getting older and people around me are starting to get married. Not one of my friends is anything like me (relationship wise), so I sometimes come off as abnormal. It's a precarious situation to be in, and a very interesting thought process to have. Are there others like this (I'm sure there are)? Can anyone relate?

Hey KC,

I think that you should go with whatever works best for you. You situation is exactly the topic of discussion in this thread.

As humans, I think that we all, at some point in our lives, do some exploring to find ourselves. But at the end of the day, after all that experimenting, what we're really looking for is our own personal comfort zone and peace with ourselves.

If you found that, then props to you! But that doesn't mean that our or your comfort zone is set and stone. It can change over time. For example, in your situation, you say that you're currently very happy with yourself, but maybe one day you will be more interested in having a family of your own or maybe not.

What counts is how you feel now. I think that if you're more comfortable with yourself now, then you are better prepared for what may or may not lie ahead.

I think that you and I share some of the same thoughts and feelings concerning intimate relationships, kctiger!

KC, I was exactly like you.

I dated, but most times it wasn't exclusive, and frankly, most of the guys I did date exlusively, if they just up and disappeared, I probably wouldn't have even noticed, or cared.

I never actively pursued a relationship. Actually, I never planned on getting serious with anyone, or getting married. Kids, you, but I didn't need a husband for that, and I was pretty determined that I'd never have one of those.

Than along came hubby. I had just gotten out of a "relationship" and I had planned to play the singles scene again. Go out, have fun, do what I want when I want with whoever I want.

A friend of a friend was having a birthday and my friend convinced me to go to the club where it was being held. I really didn't feel like it, but last minute I decided to go, had nothing better to do.

Well that's the night I met hubby. At first it was a bit of a game. The birthday girl (whom I didn't really like) was all over him, flirting her little heart out. I was 19, pretty darn cute, and bored out of my mind, so I decided to step in, see if I could "steal" him away. It turned out that it wasn't that hard.

The rest is history. We've been together ever since, and that was 20 years ago.

Still, even after 1 year together, when I realized that I really liked being with him, hanging out with him, everything, I still didn't think that I'd marry him.

Go figure. Little bugger snuck up on me and I didn't see it coming. ;)

If intimacy is defined as a sexual nature, then no, it is not something everyone has to have or needs. But I do think that there is an intimacy of a deep friendship that all do need. I wish I had understood that when I was younger.

Intimate friends r one part of our life, but not all.
Sometimes we need to share things with friends, and sometimes we need our own space..
Wats more, when we need close ones, the key is we have few ones who really hard to find.
Right?

intimate friends r one part of our life, but not all.
sometimes we need to share things with friends, and sometimes we need our own space..
wats more, when we need close ones, the key is we have few ones who really hard to find.
right?

Some friends are "winter" friends and others are the "summer" kinds of friends...

Maybe this is the wrong thread, maybe this has already been covered, but...I have to get this out there.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum here. I have absolutely no motivation to try to get into a relationship. I love being single, love being free to do whatever I want, and don't have an ounce of desire for companionship.

It's almost an anomaly here, a guy who just cares nothing about being with a significant other. I am so focused on my career, school and the next personal step of gratification that I rarely think about being in a relationship. How many others are anything like me? Don't get me wrong, it is a goal of mine to have a family and such, but I haven't even been tempted to really act on that. I am open, of course, for a relationship IF I ran into the right person, but it isn't something I actively pursue.

I feel like the clock is ticking. I'm getting older and people around me are starting to get married. Not one of my friends is anything like me (relationship wise), so I sometimes come off as abnormal. It's a precarious situation to be in, and a very interesting thought process to have. Are there others like this (I'm sure there are)? Can anyone relate?

I do.
But I did it just the opposite.
I was married twice. First time I was 17. TOO dumb to know I didn't know everything. But I thought I did and didn't listen to anybody.
Got married and made a mess of it like most young dumb know-it-alls.

Several years later I got married again. Did well for 11 years. Didn't make it to 12.

After the divorce I concentrated on raising my youngest(7 yr old) son. I had custody and was a single parent.
When he moved out I quit the job I had I hated and started doing what I loved to do.

I ran rivers and took tours down the Colorado, The Green, The Yampa, in the summer, and worked on construction projects at Park City and Deer Valley in the winter.
These are not "family" jobs. When I was running rivers there were essentially two or three days off a month, I was gone from April to October. You can't do that with a family to raise and support.

With the freedom that I have had I haven't missed or desired to be in an intimate relationship.

I do have female friends that are close and have been for a long time. But there is no commitment. We enjoy each others company and spend time together when we can.

I love this freedom .

Trying to balance things out.

Remember, it's not a competition, we're not trying to be as independent as possible. What we really want is to find our own comfort zone. If that means sharing our lives with someone else, then go for it. If that means you prefer more freedom, then go for it.

However, I do think that it's really important to be able to find happiness without oneself. By depending on another person or other people to give you happiness, it's shifting the burden on the other person. That's setting yourself for disappoinment, because you're basically putting your happiness into someone else's hands and less control for yourself.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves.
Leaning on or depending on others too much can cause problems for a relationship. Being able to stand on our own two feet is really all the independence we need.

In M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled, he said that romantic feelings have been high wired in our brains to make us want to have intimate relationships in order to hoodwink or trap us into marriage, thereby ensuring the propagation of the human species. This makes sense to me. Other than that and once you have seriously thought about it, I don't think it's necessary. At least it's not for everyone, that much I can say.

I think that people need the relationship and in general the rewards show themselves in different ways at different times. Like at first you don't see anything wrong with the other person and they see nothing wrong with you. And eventually you have them around while you get through something difficult. And you talk about things, and surprise each other. I've spent large periods of my life single, and yet I didn't realize it but I was unhappy until I met my girlfriend. It took a while, but I've become quite attached to her and I wouldn't want to be single again.

I think it all depends on what your calling is in life to whatever you think and feel is going to make your life look back as something you did to make you happy or make a difference. For some it's having a family and building one to make it work, some it's businesses "build it and they will come", some it's running off to the woods "be one with nature", what desires we have fills the pocket of emptiness that we think will make life more fulfilling... if only I had this... I would be... If I did this... It's going to make me this... In the end it all starts with an idea and the mere focus of what you set your eyes on your mind starts to create and look for it to happen. Self-control be helpful at this point to process a more smart way of achieving what we really want for ourselves. Sad though most of us are losing the lack of patience to wait for a good thing.