My ex and I dated for about 3 and a half years, we met in high school and dated through our sophomore years of college, I treated her as best as I could, I took her out, I never raised my voice at her or cussed at her, I never cheated on her, I'm ambitious and those were all qualities that she liked so I was very secure as her boyfriend, she was a very good girlfriend, she was also ambitious, she's gorgeous, and she was very very loyal and faithful

About 3 weeks ago we broke up, it was mutual, we just wanted to be single and go as individuals and if it was meant to be, later on we'd get back together. We were both very sad, and at first I tried to get her to call it off, but she told me that she wanted to go through with it, so I left her alone, all of this happened over Facebook chat because she was too upset to talk to me over the phone

So for the past 3 weeks I;ve been giving her the space that she asked for, I;ve been working on improving myself, I started teaching myself the keyboard(sorta) I've been in the gym, and I've been keeping up with my classes, during this time I spent hours researching the best way to get your ex back

Eventually I came up with a plan to get her back, after a few more weeks I was going to try and start as friends and build up from there

But yesterday I received a fatal blow when I looked on her Facebook page and saw that she was in a relationship with another guy. I was so shocked because she never ever gave a guy another look while we were dating, and I didn't think she d get snap out of it that quickly. While I don't know the new guy, he's not very attractive according to all of her friends and we're exact opposites, basically he's opposite of everything she told me she liked

I asked her about it and I asked her how she could move on so quikcly and she said she was still in love with me and would never get over me but she was trying to move on, as much as it hurt me, I was so nice to her, and wished her well

Now I'm lost, today she put pictures of her up sleepign with the first present that I ever got her, a stuffed bear, that's very symbolic to her, and she still wears the necklace I gave her, I know she misses me, but I don't know what to think of this new relationship, is it a rebound? Is she missing the attention I gave her, and should I wait for her, I love her so much, more than anything, and I know most people would say move on, but I'm so stuck on this girl that I can't see myself dating anyone else, I know I'm still young (20) but I'm in a terrible place right now, I want to know whether I should continue to live my life, and hope that this relationship fails, or should I try and block her out all the way

PLEASEEEE HELP ME!!

Sorry but its time to move on. Her words don't match her actions. Read the advice in the stickies at the top of the page.
You say this was a mutual decision and she s acted on it.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I can say this , we have all been through this. You think she needs space to figure things out but she probably was thinking sbout breaking it off for a long time but she stayed with you to make it easier for herself (this is exactly what happened to me).
I understand what you are feeling, betrayed hurt, you cannot comprehend how they move on so fast. What you need to do is you need to stop contact right away, chances are she is using him to get over you (rebound), you need to show her what she doesn't have anymore and cut contact. This will also make it easier for you to move on as she is trying to do.
Now I know you are thinking I want her back and all but you said that it was mitual and we both broke it off, maybe now you just want her back because someone else is involve. My best advice would be not to get involve in her business (facebook, friends, family) , do not contact her and work on yourself. Who knows what will happen to you.
Believe me when I tell you that you will find that special someone, in fact if you read peoples threads you always notice something common, everyone thinks and believe that the person they are referring to is the best person in the world for them and there are no other. They say this because of the vulnerable state they are in (something to think about)
Wish you all the best

I m sorry for what has happened to you. I can say this , we have all been through this. You think she needs space to figure things out but the fact of the matter is she probably was thinking sbout breaking it off for a long time but she stayed with you to make it easier for herself (this is exactly what happened to me).
I understand what you are feeling, betrayed hurt, you cannot comprehend how they move on so fast. What you need to do is you need to stop contact right away, chances are she is using him to get over you (rebound), you need to show her what she doesnt have anymore and cut contact. This will also make it easier for you to move on as she is trying to do.
Now i know you are thinking i want her back and all but you said that it was mitual and we both broke it off, maybe now you just want her back because someone else is involve. My best advice would be not to get involve in her business (facebook, friends, family) , do not contact her and work on yourself. Who knows what will happen to you.
Believe me when i tell you that you will find that special someone, in fact if you read peoples threads you always notice something common, everyone thinks and believe that the person they are referring to is the best person in the world for them and there are no other. They say this because of the vulnerable state they are in (something to think about)
Wish you all the best

Thanks for your input, it definitely sucks, and I know it'll get better, but I've heard that a rebound relationship may end up leading us back together because she'll realize what she's missing, I don't know, maybe not

Whatever it is do not thinking about how she will act... just think about you now and get better... and things will I promise you that

I do agree with everyone that "her actions do not match her words". But women are complex and so are their thoughts, feelings and actions. She may need to validate her feelings. She may be feeling too attached at such a young age. She may simply want to experience more before she commits and is not ready for commitment.

You two where together at 18 I presume... 3 years, its all going great and you worship the ground she walks on. You sound very sweet and a "true" gentlemen which is very rare these days in your generation. Just concentrate on yourself and remember, that if something is special and wonderful, and you let it go, just to see if it comes back to you, and it does, you can keep it. If something is not well then it is time to move on. She evidently moved on, maybe you should try to have some fun too... try to see other people, you may find that your interests have changed. Giving her, her space is good, I don't think you should cut her off, remove her from your life, maybe you could be friends... keep your connection to her, maybe when your ready to move on she will change her mind? You never know! But, my boyfriend always pursued me - even when I broke up with him (numerous times) and every time he so desperately came to get me, I knew he loved me and so we married. So, you will have to do what you feel you need to do. Worst case scenario, you move on.

One man to another, you do as she does. She moved beyond the relationship, and is doing her thing, which is exactly what you should be doing. Your thing.

Yeah it sucks in the feelings department, but being busy with family, friends, and school will keep you busy as you heal in time.

The key is leaving her alone, and staying off her facebook. Those two things will keep you stuck, confused, and hurting, for your loss. You need new happy memories, to replace the old ones, and that just takes time.

You're probably giving yourself false hope. What you need now is to block her completely or you won't be able to move on. Read the stickies and I guess you know what you need to do. You attracted her so you will be able to attract other people.

You're probably giving yourself false hope. What you need now is to block her completely or you won't be able to move on. Read the stickies and I guess you know what you need to do. You attracted her so you will be able to attract other people.

I don't know if its false hope our not because she's clearly in a rebound relationship. It hurts, but if she realizes what she has in me then she'll come back, if not then it wasn't meant to be, but a few of my friends have gone through similar situations and sometimes it turned out good, other times it did not.

It usually never works to go back with an ex, trust me. It's much easier to find someone else and start something new. Beside, if she went with another guy you probably won't see her the same after that. Don't give yourself false hope and move on, she is doing it, why not you?

The same has just recently happened to me, I have deleted her of my Facebook and removed her phone number etc. This is the best way to try and move on.

I know I'm being stubborn, but I like thinking about her, it makes me happy, even though it hurts, and I was doing well before she starting this other guy, now I wonder if our whole relationship she was lying to me

Is this normal?
Sometimes I want to date other girls, and sometimes I get sick thinking about other girls. My ex and I have been talking as friends for the past couple of days.
Out of nowhere her mother called me yesterday and explained to me that I didn't take her out enough while we were dating, basically she felt like we didn't do enough stuff together, and this new person stepped in and started asking her to go out more, and he asked her out and she said yeah. She said she likes him but she doesn't like him to the point that she wants a serious relationship with him. I feel like if I could show her that I've grown up and am able to show her a better time then she'll come back if her current relationship doesn't work out, which optimistically it won't, hopefully, but at the same time, I'm not going to wait on her, if she comes back to me before I'm over her, then we should get back, but at the same time I'm preparing myself for any future relationship that I have.

Is it still okay for us to be friends?

Has anyone felt that when their relationship ended, they'd never find anyone else as beautiful, as smart, as loyal, as their ex, and then as time went on, and they moved on found someone who was more beautiful, smart, loyal, etc?

You still feel traumatized by the break up. Just give yourself more time to recover. You're in emotional turmoil right now, so let the feelings tone down before you worry about someone else.

As for your ex, stay away from being friends because you're just going to add to the confusion and have false hope, which is going to delay the recovery process.

Yes, of course, when some time passes on and you have allowed for complete detachment things will get easier. Just think how silly it sounds when you say you will never find someone like him or her... maybe you will find better?

Keep your chin up and spend time with family and friends.

I appreciate the advice, definitely not looking for anyone else at the moment, or in the foreseeable future, just something to think about.

As for not being friends with her, a lot of my friends said that it was childish to not want to be friends with her, and after I deleted her off Facebook she sent me a message saying that it was immature and very mean. And I don't want to come off as any of that because I don't really have any negative feelings towards her, so should I continue with NC or LC and keep her off Facebook?

Threads merged again

Keep her off Facebook. She's the one who sounds immature by telling you that it's mean. You need to recover from this break up and you need to take the necessary steps to do that. Otherwise you're just going to prolong the pain. Now tell me, how's that fair to you?

The fact that she contacted you is exactly why you need to stick to no contact, because her behavior is just going to confuse you more. You need to keep your distance without her influence so that you can see things for a more objective perspective.

Stick with no contact. Here are the rules if you haven't reviewed them already: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

Man, the advice they are giving is good. You can read my recent question.

Tell her straight up... "I am not trying to be difficult, immature, or rude. No matter how I say this it may sound that way but trust me that I am not. Please don't call, text, or email me anymore. This is something I need."

AND DO NOT BE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK OR ANY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE

First off, sorry for the loss and pain. I for one have been there.

Now... wrap your mind around the fact that the relationship is over.

Your every post has been about your analysis of her actions and how it means you two are getting back together. You're relishing delusions and living in denial.

For your own sake look at the reality of the situation. You two broke up. She's seeing another guy and obviously getting some pleasure out of their interactions. If she really cared about you and the relationship I seriously doubt this would be happening don't you? Rebound or not SHE IS SEEING ANOTHER MAN AND ENJOYING HERSELF AND HIM.

I know this hurts… as I said been there, done that more than once. Yeah… yeah… I've heard all the stories from others about how, “we're soul mates”, “meant to be together”, and “there's nobody else who could ever…”

In my opinion you have two clear choices here… #1 you can keep pining over her reading into her every word and action that you're soul mates, blah… blah… blah… OR #2 You can take control of your emotional well being and take actions to move on with your life, e.g. drop her from Facebook, quit trying to be her friend, quit stalking, and getting a life.

Do yourself a favor… make the right choice.

You didn't give her what she wants so she has some one else, but its mean when she decides you won't just be friends like she wants from you. Don't you think that's selfish, to not understand what you need?

Leave her alone any way as what she thinks is no longer important. Trust me the healing time without her will help you, whether she likes it or not.

You didn't give her what she wants so she has some one else, but its mean when she decides you wont just be friends like she wants from you. Don't you think thats selfish, to not understand what you need?

Leave her alone any way as what she thinks is no longer important. Trust me the healing time without her will help you, whether she likes it or not.

That is true. Thanks for the tough love fellas, I appreciate it. I'm in college so there are plenty of options around, should I start casually dating now to help get over, or should I just spend some time alone. I'm pretty pissed off at ex for how she did me dirty so I want to get over her but besides NC what's the next step

We're already given you our advice on the next steps.

Here's a list of things to do after a break up: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

You don't need to rush back into the dating sceen, but I would definitely recommend that you reconnect with old friends and find new friends as well.

Just another question, I had a good weekend, went out, made a few new friends and enjoyed myself, didn't think about my ex too much, and started to realize that I was probably better off without her, last night was the first night probably since the breakup that I didn't dream about her, so I know I'm making progress, but today she sent me a text, I didn't respond and I have no intentions of responding, but when I saw her name pop up on my screen I got kind of sad and started to miss her some, Will I always miss her, being that she was my first love? Or will I get to the point where I can look at her and feel no real emotions towards her, that's my goal.

While your feelings at her texts may have surprised you, and stirred up old feelings, this is a pretty normal reaction.

As time goes by, and you replace those old feelings with her, with new ones of other things, it won't be so intense, or surprising, and you will have healed enough to handle those triggers from the past.

None of us truly forgets ever, the first though, but we deal with it better.

but today she sent me a text, i didnt respond and I have no intentions of responding, but when I saw her name pop up on my screen I got kind of sad and started to miss her some, Will I always miss her, being that she was my first love? Or will I get to the point where I can look at her and feel no real emotions towards her, that's my goal.

One thing that helped me was changing my ex's name in my phone. It currently reads "BiaBia". Immature? Maybe. Does it help me? Yep.

New update: I came home for fall break, and as I stated a few days ago I've been doing pretty well, and I've been working towards moving on and working on myself. But when I got home, I drove past a few places that my ex and I used to visit a lot, and all of a sudden I got this crazy rush of nostalgia. Last night I can probably count at least 5 different dreams that I had of her, and it'd been a while since I had any dreams of her. Am I back to square one? I really want to move on and get her out of my head for good.

One day at a time... that all you can do. Take it minute by minute then day by day, month to month, and BAM POW Batman you just don't give a poo about her any more. Life nor love is easy. Nothing ever worth while is.

Stay strong.

I understand the rush of nastalgia. For a very long time I avoided places that my ex and I had spent time. You see the mind and heart tend to remember good times when triggered. Then you have to make yourself think of the whole ordeal again to snap out of it. It takes time but someday you will be over it. Your not back at square one. To be back there you would have to break NC. So don't do that. Right?

Again, I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward, and then 3 steps back. My ex's mother called me to see how I was doing and asked me how I was doing about the whole situation. I told her I was still in love but I was trying to move on. My ex sent me an email saying that "I still love you, but I don't think we're meant to be. IDK. I want you to move on." I've taken a pretty big hit to my ego, she told me about how much fun she has been having, she didn't say with her new boyfriend, probably cause she didn't want to make me any more upset, but I know that's what she meant. I'm hoping that this weekend I'll be able to take a few more steps forward, maybe go out again and have fun, but I still feel very sick, its been almost 2 months, almost a month since they started dating, I should be over this by now shouldn't I. I feel like I'm going to be in this rut for a long time.

You ll be stuck longer in a rut when you take phonecalls from her mom and still haven't blocked her email.
Any contact any news is like taking a step back.

Yes breaking contact and not communicating is essential. It will help you move on. I would suggest going on vacation whenever you have the chance and get out this environment completely, it will do you a lot of good. I have been in a similar situation in the past and I even had my own story posted on this website if you want to read, you are of course most welcome ;)

My ex and I got into a conversation the other day about our relationship, via Facebook chat, at first she was pretty stoic towards me, but I must have said something to hit a nerve because she called me and cried to me telling me she wants to be with me more than anything and that its killing her not being with me, but she wants us to grow first and experience new things, what does that mean. This girl is and a rebound relationship yet she cries to me, like really humiliates herself and makes it very very clear that she wants me back, but says we need to grow, I feel like she's confused as to what she wants now, and I want to tell her that you grow together in a relationship, not while your split up, but I don't want to really bring up any dialogue with her right now

Her words and tears don't match her actions. If she really wanted to be with you she would.
She s throwing you a line and you could fall into the trap of false hope.
Don't talk to her,you re letting her confuse you.
It s a breakup-you should be good to yourself and recover so you can move on with your life.

You think she's just trying to keep me on standby so that I won't move on but so she can have her fun.

At first when she got into her relationship she told me "I'm trying to move on...you need to move on"

Now she's like "If you really wanted me, you'd be patient, let go, and then you can evaluate the outcome of your patience"

Stop analyzing things. It can drive you crazy. What happened has happened. You will not heal until you start sticking to NC. Its hard and we all mess up. I know I have. Big time. But now I have deleted her Facebook, phone, and any other form of contact. I see her a lot since we have 2 classes together and we work at the same job but I still do not talk to her. When she comes up to me I keep things short and polite.

At first I thought NC would not help me. But once I started following it religiously I started healing. Everyday I took a step towards the positive. I am still taking steps.

You have a wonderful opportunity to work on yourself again. Pick something up that you may have lost when you started dating her again or start a new hobby. Go out and meet new people.

Things will get better but only if you stick to no contact.

Standby is right-and that's NOT a good place to be.

My ex and I got into a conversation the other day about our relationship, via Facebook chat,

That was your first mistake!!


She wants to be with me more than anything and that its killing her not being with me, but she wants us to grow first and experience new things, what does that mean?

She means she is enjoying her self and doesn't want what you want, To be romantic with you. That's what you want.


You think she's just trying to keep me on standby so that I won't move on but so she can have her fun.

Naw, far from it, your in the friend zone

At first when she got into her relationship she told me "I'm trying to move on...you need to move on"

Funny how you didn't listen to that and done as she said. That would have saved you a lot of confusion.

Now she's like "If you really wanted me, you'd be patient, let go, and then you can evaluate the outcome of your patience"

Again, you should have LISTENED to what she said
1- "If you really wanted me, you'd be patient," stop pushing so hard.
2-let go: which means accept the romance is all you, and not here, and its dead either way
3-then you can evaluate the outcome of your patience": then you can see what she was saying and just get over the hurt and confusion, and be free to get a life that you enjoy without her.

Your confusion come when you keep asking her for something she doesn't want to give you, and instead of really crushing your ego, she is trying to be nice. But of course since you aren't listening to her, your confused and hurt.

I agree with most of the stuff she's saying, but if she wanted me to leave her alone, then why would she cry to me, I mean bawl, that does nothing but embarrasses her if she didn't have any feelings for me. And the reason why I'm not listening to her is because she's telling me different things, she says move on, so I don't talk to her for a few weeks, we start talking again,and she says she wants me back in her life, I told her, I want you to be as blunt and honest with me as you can because I want to know the truth, and she told me that she wanted me back.

Stop talking to her, and let her go. Ever hear of No Contact??

Hey man. I am learning so much about relationships. My latest lesson is that when it doesn't work once, it doesn't ever work! Believe me when I say I did everything in my power to make everything okay and she still did what she wanted.

Now, you seem to be confused that she cried on the phone. My ex did the same twice... The first time we broke up, I gave her space but like you, I tried talking to her again after a few weeks. I played our song together in my brand new car with full volume and I walked up to her and she was like what are you doing? Then I said I have to have you back and I miss you so much and she said to not do that. She was about to walk away but saw I was hurting and she turned around and hugged me and she cried. We still broke up for a long time.
Then I kept trying to meet her once in a blue. Then one day I went to eat and I saw her and she told me to eat with her... Then there was a party at my house and she came. We had sex and then she told me she still wants to give her ex a chance and it happened like 3 times she said and that it was his last chance. Well she dumped him and then I begged her to come to me and she did... Im guessing I was the rebound guy which I never thought of and I never thought how she had sex with me while on a break with her boyfriend. I don't know why I took her back but like I said... I live and I'm learning. Screw her!! It will be hard in every way. You will be able to move on. You will find better and you will be very happy!
Make a list here of all the bad things she did... that can help and you can look back at it when you are down.

We just had a heated argument so its really over now, she says her new boyfriend is so much better than me and this and that, she loves him so I feel like I've been replaced... I feel bad that we ended in such a bitter way, she keeps switching it up, so I really am going NC now, I'm pretty pissed off, I don't know what to do. I blocked her on fb, finally! I checked her fb probably 20 times a day, but hopefully since we aren't friends on Facebook any more, I'll be able to heal... does it really help?

Real NC as in NO CONTACT whatsoever works-stick to it.
Disappear from her life as of now and look after you.

Yeah, before I had no intention of going NC, but now I'm serious about it, and to tell you the truth, I've been laying around for 30 minutes, I feel a lot better, sort of relieved that I don't have to worry about what's going on in her life, I'm being stubborn in my mind by thinking of things that I liked about her which kind of makes me upset, but hopefully in time I'll either forget them, or become indifferent to them.

I also deleted her mom, and a few of her best friends, just because I don't want to see her posts on their pages. I feel a lot better about getting over her now.

Well done that's the way to go.no more confusion. Good luck.

NC all the way is the only way! You have your own life, which should be great as a single man.

Hey, so I'm pretty much where you were a little bit less than a month ago. Had a disagreement with my girlfriend and we broke up for like the 5th time. For two weeks I was a bit confused, but mostly ready to move on. We didn't really talk at all that whole time. I knew that we weren't right for each other and I was pretty comfortable with the idea of letting go and moving on. I even ignored text from her the one time she sent it.

So, two weeks later it's Halloween and I decide to go out with some friends Friday night and of course I bump into her. Or rather, she was coming my direction, saw me talking to a friend and just turned around and walked the other way. This kind of pissed me off because I never did anything to deserve being ignored or avoided; she could have spoken to me.

The next night, we go out again and SURPRISE, she's at the same club. I was intent upon ignoring her but a friend sparked conversation between us, she basically apologized for avoiding me and I just said OK. The f'ed up part comes next.

For some reason all these feelings that I didn't know I had, just boiled over. I went on the dance floor and a sexy little thing tried to dance on me and I almost had a panic attack. Suddenly the idea of approaching other women or being with anybody else just felt like it went against every fiber of my being. Like I was almost paralyzed with emotion.

Then, the coup de grace, I watched her get introduced to a friend of mine's ex; a guy I just intuitively never really liked. She starts dancing on him and I can tell she's interested in him.

That was Saturday, by Tuesday she's posting her Facebook about finally being happy. And immediately, I know that she's serious about somebody and I know it was the guy from before. (She's never been happy on her own, she's never found how to be happy with herself, so it was obvious she had found someone else) It was confirmed to me today, when I found out she had just about spent the night at his place that Tuesday night. The same night that I completely broke down and made an b!tch out of myself over the phone to her. Now, I wonder if she was at his place the entire time I was pouring my heart out... Laughing it up maybe.

Its Wednesday now and I've made a complete pathetic mess of myself; I even pleaded with her over the phone in desperation this morning. I began to question whether I did right by her. I don't know how she can be so happy with him, and now claim to have been so miserable with me. I mean after a nearly 2 year old relationship she's moved on completely in less than 2 WEEKS. I mean come on... Am I that insignificant?

Right now, having written this, I feel slightly better; I know she was a broken person when I met her, I had really done my best to make her happy and get her life straight. I know she's a stronger person now because of me. It just sucks that after everything I've done for her, after all the times I was there for her, now I'm down in the gutter and she's treating me like scum. It hurts... I don't know how long I'll be like this... I pretty much just failed an exam for a course that I refuse to repeat, just because I spent the time I should have been studying, feeling like I wanted to fall on a knife; then during the exam I couldn't focus on anything relevant.

I got to go back to class, hopefully it helps to know that someone else is going through the same thing at the same time as you.. I know this thread probably helped me... I'm going to call and apologize for making an out of myself today and last night and then I'm going to bite the bullet and try to move on.. No contact or w/e it takes... Man I really can't afford to be like this for much longer, between work and classes, I was already stressed out enough.

Thanks for sharing your story "sadnlost"... I feel your pain.

I know how you feel about, after all you did for her and now she's with someone else, starting a new relationship. I don't even want to think about it, I just want to move on, the thing is, I find myself comparing everyone to my ex, I go to a college with an undergraduate population of around 28000 students, yet I can't seem to find someone that compares to my ex, of course I'm still not in my right senses but I want to start dating again, she's all the way out of my life, blocked, no way to get in touch with her, thankfully we don't go to the same school, but I just want to move on.

Its been so long since I've asked a girl out, or dated, since I was in the 10th grade to be honest since I was with my ex the last 2 years of HS and the first year of college.

How do you go about getting back into the game after you've ended a relationship?

And I wish I could change my sn from sadnlosted, I'm still sad, not lost, but sooner or later I'll be at the point of indifference.

I hope looking back on this a few months from now I'll be able to smile at how far I've come

I feel both of you guys I really do. This is something you learn with time and experience, but you need to apply NC the first minutes of the break up. Meaning deleting everything, blocking FB, deleting phone number.

As much pain as you are having guys, there IS light in the end of the tunnel and you could get better if you apply NC all the way and take an active role in healing.

Yea, I'm at a university too... Only, I'm on the engineering campus where cute girls that have a personality compatible with mine don't really exists. So, finding someone that I'll actually be interested in will take some deliberate action. Of course, when you're in a space where you don't even want to meet anyone new and you have to go out of your way to find someone... being alone is inevitable.

I wish my friends would chill a bit with trying to drag me out to parties. I feel like if I hadn't gone out in the first place, I would have never bumped into her and I could have gone on without any set backs. I'm not ready to go out yet. I'm not ready to play the field.

Oh yea.. today was my f'in birthday.

On a side note, I'm thinking I'll repost my story to an individual thread, but I'll definitely keep up with your situation.

Well, I`m an engineer too, an electrical one for that matter. In a class of 150 people, we may get 6 girls... and they will look like guys. So yea, life sucks, but we make it up later.
Secondly, since you broke up you need a lot of time alone. If you don`t want to party then don`t. But try to hang out with friends, chilling, going to the movies. Try new activities, new hobbies... Life sucks now, but apply the stickies as a must. Go the gym, go out, etc... Take care of yourself.

I'm also a EE, wow small world lol, yeah the mornings always suck cause I always find myself thinking of her when I wake up, oh well... its day 2 of NC

Are the engineers more prone to getting their heart broken up? We can try an algorithm and see if it's true :D.

You know, I had my "final" talk to her last night... It ended with her crying, and me feeling helpless before she just expressed that she just couldn't do "this" anymore and said "This is where the conversation ends" and she hung up. I txted my last words and I fully intend to never speak to her again.

I know that when I had that conversation with her I wasn't really sane yet; I'm still not, but I'm getting closer. Today, I finally remembered why I was cool with everything just a week ago:
"If a girl doesn't want to be with you, why the h3ll would you want to be with her"
And
"If you've found someone else that can make you more happy, go be with him; I don't want to be in the way. I mean that's what we're all in this for - to pursue happiness"
-- I mean these are things by which I pretty much lived by, I never thought I'd need to be reminded of these things.. Reminded of the kind of guy I am, and what I believe in.

But I guess there have been a lot of "firsts" here for me... I'm just trying to adapt, change for the better and move on. Sadly enough I laughed at the algorithm joke (paxe); it's funny being reminded how much of a dork you really are.

Also, I haven't eaten since Tuesday afternoon.. And I'm still not hungry. Any ETA on my appetite?

It'll come back, I keep going through phases when I would be fine and eat and then be upset and not eat, I did this like 3 or 4 times, but it was cause I was still in contact with her, but you're right, when you break up with someone, at first you're sad, but when the emotions subside a little bit, you realize the reasons you wanted to break up in the first place
NC hasn't really helped yet, I feel kind of sad not knowing what she's doing since I'm not on her fb anymore, hopefully in time I won't even care

Look guys, both of you, you are engineers, so we use a lot of rational thinking in our life. Let's use it here. As long as you "break" and continue contacting your exes, you will get hurt, badly. If you apply NC, the cause of the pain will go away.

First off, you both need to take care of yourselves. You are in shock and aren't using too much of your brain. Start working out a LOT. Go everyday to the gym, train, build those muscles... Also from now on, plan everything for the next 2 months, what you want to do, what activities you may start, volunteering... buying new clothes to dress better.

The appetite will come back very soon, for now drink a lot of water and force yourself to eat. Even small amounts.

One last thing, be patient. It takes time but it's the proper way to do things. Don't drink any alcohol or don't do drugs!
Keep posting how you are doing.

Hey Guys,

This is coming from a girls perspective, but I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I broke up over 6 months ago, and I still miss him sometimes. I actually ran into him last night for the first time in 2 months, and the feelings keep coming back. When you really care for someone - those feeligs won't ever vanish completely. But they do become easier to deal with.

At first when we broke up - I was devastated - couldn't eat- sleep - id check his Facebook. I was a mess. I would run into him EVERYWHERE because we have so many mutual friends and Delaware is a small state.

I'm going to tell you there were times when even though I knew it was over - I still thought it might work out - and I came up with some elaborate plans, and no - it doesn't work out. You don't want it to. That chapter of your life is closed - it won't be the same when you get back together.

It took my ex being a complete and utter jacka@@ for me to really say - OK - you don't deserve any attention from me. Took me almost 4 months to get to that point. But from then on - zero contact - no Facebook (HUGE HELP! He got into a nw relationship right about then and I cried my eyes out because I knew it was over between us - and I knew Facebook was goig to be a bad thing). If I ran into him out id do a quick hi and go else where. No texts no nothing.

It definitely does get better. You need to just get busy having fun, living your life (I suggest go sky diving - helped me a lot), and make new friends that don't remind you of your ex. Eventually you will meet another person who will captivate you in ways your ex never did.

I am so jealous that you are still in college! I've been out for 5 years and its definitely harder to meet new people once you have graduated. You need to get excited about th prospect of meeting new women, doing new things, traveling, and just having your entire life ahead of you. That is a great feeling - doing whatever you want - when you want - with anyone that you want.

Every day is a step forward, and once in a while a step back - totally normal - just keep moving on :) Good luck hun!

Yea, before my set back, the freedom - your whole life ahead of you thing - was my best friend.. saving grace maybe. I'm getting closer to finding that kind of peace again, but for now, my heart still jumps into my throat every time my cell goes off.

About the no contact thing; for me, I need to be able to not contact her by will. I feel like that's the only way to become stronger. I feel like, once I can not even care whether I can reach her, then I'll delete her.

To be clear, the No Contact thing has always been a no brainer for me in the past. I've removed her from my friends list, deleted my Facebook, removed every trace of her from my phone JUST to end up driving to her place and making nice all over again. I need to be strong enough to stay away from her under my own will power.

I'm already in conflict over what I just wrote... Man, I'm twisted still. I know NC is the only way to go here... but it's easy to forget, or to rationalize a contradiction to NC.

I guess making it nearly impossible to reach would make it a lot easier to find a place where you no longer need to reach her.

Delete everything it will be much easier then. Just don't contact, it's not that hard. When you want to contact her, post her to call a friend, that will take the urge off.

Delete her off Facebook. No CONTACT all the way! All the time! Learn to Hate her. Forget about her. Delete and throw away EVERY single thing that reminds you of her. If she is with the other guy that fast then there's only 1 reason for that.

She was EMOTIONALLY CHEATING on you before she actually did it. Her saying she's doing it to move on is BS!! She had that thought and maybe was even with him already way before you 2 actually broke up. That's probably why YOU BROKE UP in the first place.

The grass is not always greener on the other side... It only seems that way at first glance, but the fool will never realize this until its too late.

Let her be! Leave her alone. Learn to hate her! Better YOURSELF as a mAN! Work out! Buy new clothes. Learn new skills! Be a new man! Change yourself within for the better. BETTER YOURSELF and in the near future, when she sees you again, she will see what she missed. By then you will not want her anymore... I can't stress how important this is!!

By doing all these things, you will have done 2 things!

1) Become a stronger, smarter, mentally tougher man to prepare you for the next relationship.

2) Turn the tables in your favor because if the love was real, she'll come back begging for YOU! And by then, it'll be up to you to choose if you still want her back and IN YOUR TERMS!. But you must also remember that she might never come back... And in that case, HER LOSE...

I know its tempting to contact someone - there is always that hope that maybe this time she will respond differently - but she won't - and it will just make things worse and harder to deal with. If u want to talk to her talk to someone else instead.

Start working out - jogging - martial arts - anything - take your mind of everything and become sexy in the process - then you will be in top shape to find the next lucky lady - and the old girl won't look so good anymore.

I'm just really pissed off about the whole thing, I mean I shouldn't be, they've been together for over a month, but I no matter what I do I still think about it. I judge every girl that I see and no one can seem to compare to my ex, which is very disheartening to me right now, I keep thinking... "Did I just let go of the best thing out there"
Is that normal?

Your still thinking about her. STOP IT! I know its hard... But think about this. Another guy is with her right now. They can be doing anything! You couldn't actually want her back now could you?? Learn to HATE HER! LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO YOU!

She played you! She treated you like you were nothing! She never loved you! If she loved you, why is sshe with another man right now! Also, its not the other guys fault. Its ALL HER FAULT! F*** HER!

And to answer your question... It is normal. How your feeling is normal. But get over it. BE MAD! That's a good thing! Learn to hATE HER GUTS for putting you through this. I bet you'll feel that your next girlfriend is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD.

BETTER YOURSELF NOW! Do push ups until you can't do no more! Do something! Better yourself is the most important thing you can do. Be better than her new boyfriend. She's going to want you back after you better yourself and by then , you will want something better because you deserve something better.

Stop thinking about all the pics she put up about the first present you ever got her.

Trust me. From one man to another. IN REALITY... She cares less about those pictures... Your just looking for hope that she still cares... SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! If she did, you would not be on this website right now. You two would be together.

You must drop it and forget about her. NO CONTACT! NO VIEWING HER FACEBOOK! Workout man! It'll do you tons of good. You'll find another GF before you know it...

Superman has it good. It's normal to feel like you are feeling but you need to let go. Heck, I'm still pissed a bit that my ex is with her boyfriend after 5 months, but I'm living my life and she is living hers. I know I'm wrong but my life is getting so much better when she is constantly heartbroken...
Take my advice, make a perfect life of yourself and you won't think about her.

The same thing happened to me mate, My girlfriend and I split after 2 years and then she started seeing another guy 2 weeks after. She wants to remain friends but I have stopped all contact with her and it has been a month since we spoke. I still think about her a lot and wonder how she could move on so fast but I have resisted all urges to contact her as I don't want to know about her new life.

I'm so sick of lying awake at night for hours at a time. I'm sick of thinking about her with him. I'm sick of having to consciously devote so much time and energy to trying to remain sane; its so hard to keep my mind off her and everything that's happened.

My Ex has been dating someone new for 2 months now, and it still hurts when I think about them together, but I know I'm living my life, so he can live his too. Right now, no, no one is going to compare to your ex - because you have her up on a pedastal. But instead of thinking of all the great times you had together, think about the things that didn't work between you - the things you want to do different with someone else - the things you didn't like about her. Yes, it sucks - but you need your mind to get her off the pedastal.

Stop checking her Facebook! If you have mutual friends that hang out with her - block their feed so it doesn't pop up in your Facebook (do the same with hers if you can't bring yourself to defriend her all together).

There are millions of girls out there - and not just one soul mate for everyone - so start meeting new people. Just make friends - you don't need to start looking for your next girlfriend right away - hang out with the guys - have a good time just being single. Before you know it you will meet someone else and won't think about your ex anymore.

That's what I need to do, take my ex off a pedestal. I'm going out tonight, hopefully I'll come back happier, I'm on day 4 of NC, still stings to think about, I got a text message from a friend of mine who goes to the same school as my ex lettiing me know that he saw my ex with her new boyfriend, I was kind of upset that he told me that, like, why would I want to know that, it kind of set me back a bit, but I think I'll be fine as long as I do not stay in tonight

Have a good time and tell your friends you don't want any updates!

You need to tell your friends that you don't want to hear any news updates about her - you don't care if they saw her - you are moving on. You can tell them that it stings to hear about her if you want. They should understand that you don't want to know the play by play of her life anymore since you are moving on.

Update - Force fed myself some grapes today ;]... For me, reading has helped so far (as long as its not a textbook). Also, by accident, I started listening to AOL comedy radio, and it feels good to laugh and especially to laugh about relationships. Maybe I'll be over this whole thing in no time...

Went out to a couple of parties, had a great time, danced on some girls, met a lot of people, basically the single college life. There were points that I thought about my ex and what she was doing, and that would consume my thoughts for a couple of minutes, but then I would go a long time without thinking about her which made me feel good too. Still depressed that I'm still thinking about her though... I have feeeling that I'm on my way to moving on, been n NC for almost a week

It's gnna take a while - don't expect your feelings to change automatically just because you've been doing NC for a week. Seriously it takes a while and you guys were together for a long time - so don't be hard on yourself.

Glad you went out! I know its not the same but eventually you will start to enjoy yourself :)

From a female and from my own perspective, usually when a woman leaves a guy it usually means she has moved on. I think women in general give their all when in a relationship, but will be willing to take it all with her and leave when she feels the need to do so.

I think it's best that you move on.

From a female and from my own perspective, usually when a woman leaves a guy it usually means she has moved on. I think women in general give their all when in a relationship, but will be willing to take it all with her and leave when she feels the need to do so.

I think it's best that you move on.

Yes, but most of them will leave for someone else or will jump into another relationship (rebound). On top of that, most of them will make the boy confused and get him to stay in the "friend" zone and give them false hope.

So wow, this morning there was a career fair at a nearby university, it was a statewide thing so students from a bunch of different colleges were there, and would have never guessed it but so was my ex. She was with her new guy, she saw me, stopped and stared, looked like she was about to start crying but before she did she turned away and started walking quickly towards the restroom. I feel bad, but like, I didn't do anything, I didn't know she was going to be there, and I didn't know that she would react that way if she saw me, it was the first time I saw her since 2 weeks before we broke up so its been almost 3 months, but to be honest, I wasn't even thinking about her today before I saw her, but now I can't get her out of my mind, I just got back from the career fair and I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like all the work that I did has gone to waste because I feel like I'm back to where I started. Idk why she started crying but it made me feel bad and it made me want to comfort her, and she did this in front of her new boyfriend, I don't know I guess I'm just venting I don't know what to do now.

There s nothing you can do except accepting it and let it go.
It feels like a setback but you couldn't have known this would happen.
Get busy and think ahead.

DUDE STOP STALKING HER FACEBOOK. IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS YOU can't DO THAT.(And frankly it's a little pathetic)

Now go out in the world and b your l on some T's

Go back to the beginning of this thread and read my post. Everything we said to help you has already been said.

It made you want to comfort her? WHY!?

Look who she was with... Her new man! Not you!

ITS OVER! Would you want her back anyway?? She's is probably at home right now with her new man cuddling and doing the nasty.

Sorry for saying that, but I said that to make you see reality.

Its over. Go workout right now. Call your friends up and do something else. She isn't worth it!

Dude. Don't you want to happy to be single again? You probably can't wait until the day where you're excited to meet new women. You really got to let it go man. Remember who you are, who you were when you met the girl. I bet that guy wouldn't let this break up get to him like that. Imagine the kind of advise he'd give you.

Move on. It didn't work. It sure as hell isn't making you happy anymore so don't punish yourself, don't wallow in misery. The relationship is no good to you anymore, so let it go.

Yeah man I'm moving on it was just a set back

How's everything going with your situation

I'm aight... NC, and fine with it. Although, I still run hypothetical conversations in my head ALL the time; as in how I'd react to her in future encounters.. what I'd say, what I wouldn't say...

At some point, I remembered who I am, and how I lead my life. And I remembered how and why I always look forward. Let it go, move forward, and be better because of it; that's the only way to go.

These things helped:
Good advise from friends; people reminding of what's really important, and that they care. My godsister had a dream that I disappeared and was later found dead (suicide... and she had no idea what was actually going on w/ the past few weeks); her telling me that kind of woke me up a bit.

Also:
Get off this site and occupy your mind with something absolutely unrelated to this type of stuff whenever you can! This place is depressing and kind of pathetic. Don't linger here for long. Come back when you have a set back, or when you feel strong enough to help bring other people out the sh*t.

So my stupid subconscious decided to give me a dream last night where we were together and REALLY happy again. And I wake up thinking about her and I can't figure out why she isn't begging to be back with me... I mean, I'm frakking awesome. LOL, my ego hates that people can get over me. A week ago this would have been a major set back.

I've been in NC with my ex for about a week and a half and it's amazing how much better I feel now than I did when I started. After the first maybe 2 days of NC, I began to focus my energy elsewhere, and started to think less about my ex.
If you don't know my story, me and my ex broke up, and then she jumped into another relationship about 3 and a half weeks later. But anyway, I've been feeling GREAT, confidence is back up, getting ready to finish out the semester strong. Don't really think about my ex too much unless something or someone reminds me of her. But last night I had a dream and when I woke up I felt like crap. It was a dream about me hooking up with her while she was dating her new guy and her telling me how much better he was than me in every way, while I know this isn't true, just the thought of that makes me a little bit upset.
I know we can't really control our dreams, but is there anything I can do? I don't want this to ruin my weekend

I tend to forget dreams when I wake up and have things to do, and look forward to.

I can relate. I've had countless dreams that felt like set-backs.

Notice my emphasis on countless. As I had more and more of these types of dreams, my recovery rate began to speed up. At first, the dream woud stick for a week. But as I had more of them, I recovered in less than a week. I'm down to 24-48 hours.

It's a very natural occurrence. Just remember that, regardless of how long it takes, you will recover from the dream.

It's not just the dream, in any recovery process you will have obstacles and setbacks. Dreams are just an example. You can't expect to have smooth salling the entire way. That wouldn't be any fun, would it?

I'm sure you will recover soon enough. Just keep focusing on moving forward!

Don't worry about your dream-you may have more of a similar kind along the road to complete recovery but don't dwell on your dreams -celebrate feeling better!

Well, I've been in NC for a few weeks now, my ex starting dating someone else right after we broke up, and at first I was very upset but I've been getting a lot better. My question is, is it okay for me to have a rebound? Will it help me get over my ex. I know a girl that goes to my college and we are both very attracted to each other, but she's told me a hundred times she's not the type to commit... perfect! If I ended up getting with her, and telling her that I don't want a serious relationship with her and she agreed, would it be okay, and would it help me get over my ex? Or could it make me miss my ex more? I know they say that rebounds usually end in disaster, and people catch feelings very quickly blah blah blah, but in this situation I don't tihnk we would catch feelings like that, just a cute face a warm body to have next to me... Overall my question is, if you're upfront in the beginning about what your expectations are, can a rebound help you get over your ex?
Thanks

Entire story merged

Do what you need to do to get over your ex, but keep in mind that a rebound is unfair to the other person, especially when you're not on the same page.

Thanks, I definitely understand that it's unfair which is why I want to be completely honest about what I want upfront, but like I said, will this really help me get over her, or can it have the reverse effect, because if it ends up making me want her back then I'l just keep doing what I'm doing.

I'd be very cautious,what people say may not turn out what they mean;even if this were to be a friends with benefits relationship,there's always the risk that one of you would start having strong feelings for the other one and that could end up messy.
Personally, I don't think using another person to get over an ex works. You get over the ex, then date to get to know others, and when you meet the right person you're ready to have a new relationship.

I understand that sometimes you need to find someone else to have feelings for to completely wash away your feelings for the previous one. But instead of jumping into a new relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship, why don't you just get to know more people? You might find someone that you have romantic feelings for, but it doesn't mean you need to rush into a relationship with that person just to get over your ex.

If you find someone that you're interested in, just spend more time with them and get to know them. Just enjoy each other's company. You don't need a new relationship to get over the last one. You need TIME to recover.

Why limit yourself to just one person to date, and have some fun with? Then you wouldn't have to worry about becoming attached so fast, or replacing one person for another, and the same problems arising.

I think once you get out of the title of a relationship, or having someone as yours, you'll have a lot more fun.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall, 18-80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

As long as your honest with yourself, and those you deal with, you can do most anything you want. But if you cannot seperate, and accept, the reality of a break up, with interacting with others, and having good clean, adult fun, then your not ready for anything partner. Get a hobby.

Dude, I'm facing the same situation too. Broke up with my ex last recently after a huge fight (I was saying something mean to her.. well, she did the same to me too) and she has been sharing our private conversations such as emails, texts with her friends! Nightmare! And whenever she sees me in school, she will put on such an awful facial expression as if I have just murdered her dog! Worse, she slapped me in front of her folks and showed me no respect at all! Believe me, it was bad! And yet, I still wanted her back even after she told me that she doesn't want me and love me anymore. I begged, pleaded and did all that I could (you name it) to win her back. She threw the gifts I gave her at my face when my friends were around hanging outside the school - how humiliating!. Yet again, I still wanted her back because I really loved her. I tried and tried and even lost my pride just for this woman! She cuts me off completely - Facebook, myspace, messenger... you name it. Weeks passed by, I decided to drop her an email to wish her all the best in finding love and I will always be there for her... things got even worse than volcano eruptions! Again, she humiliated me in front of my friends as well as hers! I told myself, enough is enough. I asked myself 'Why would I want someone who doesn't even love or want me?'... My friends been telling me that she ain't worth it. I was blinded at first and now I see it. I went on to delete her contact right away from my mobile. Trust me, it does make you feel good! I'm moving on now and don't even want to look or talk to her when we bump into each other. I may be mean, she is mean too. But she is worse than that, full of resentment and to some certain extend, I think she is cruel. There are better girls out there who can treat you 10000x better than your ex. Move on. I can do it, I'm sure you can! Besides, I'm starting to see this girl in school. She is wayyyyyy much better than my ex!

Good luck :)

Move on!

You should move on... why do you have to wait for her? I know it's hard.. I have been in a long relationship too.. we broke up yesterday (mutual too) and in the night he went out to dinner with another girl (so fast right). Well, those people (your ex and my ex) don't really know what they want... and people who don't know what they want don't DESERVE what they have.. I have gone back to him 3 times.. and during those breaks he have dated other girls and had a relationship.. yes he came back to me afterwards but only to realize it was always the same... like paxe said
It usually never works to go back with an ex, trust me. It's much easier to find someone else and start something new.It's hard but you have to tell your heart to move on and kill all the hopes.. you are just hurting more by keeping all the hopes.. and please have NO CONTACT until you are ready to really be only friends... and don't worry time does really heals and when you least expect it you will find that special someone again who will correspond you and who is really worth it.

I don't know what it is about today, but it's like I'm back at day one, I had a dream that me and my ex were back together and it made me feel like crap when I woke up. I guess it's just a set back, still in NC, I just feel bad knowing she's probably doing so well and I'm still struggling.

Don't worry you're doing fine, it's only a minor setbacks and dreams are pretty normal. You will do less of them as time passes on. What she does or doesn't do isn't your problem anymore.

What goes around comes around... try to stay focus on other things.. put your mind in other things... try not to think about her anymore... dreams come from too much thinking... trust me it will get better as time passes

Yo, sorry I missed the latest updates. I decided to take a break from this type of stuff.

About the dreams... I've had a couple now that I'll never forget. One I mentioned earlier, and another that was more of a nightmare. It was like my subconscious was trying to crush me emotionally, but in retrospect, it may have just revealed to me some aspects of her character that I really don't miss.

I'd like to comment on the new partner thing and the whole "waking up and finding yourself back at square one" thing. But I'm kind of in the midst of a set-back myself... In fact, my ex is sitting right across from me on my futon. Needless to say, NC has fallen by the wayside (she started it, I'd say it's not my fault, but I'm not that delusional, I know that I let it happen). She's talking and I'm on my laptop trying to listen. I'll try to explain it later.

Keep your head up, stay positive, and try to stay strong especially when it's hard... That's about all the advise I can give tonight.

Yeah, that's normal.
But listen to the above posts. Especially Talanimans's

Whattya want to do? Feel like crap, or feel good?

That's the answer. How are you going to get get there?

By worrying about her & not you? She's out.

That isn't fun.

Go NC & rock it.

I mean I am trying to get over her, I wouldn't be in NC if I wasn't, but it doesn't seem like its working, I'm on day 2 of sleeping in and not really eating anything, I can't understand why I'm doing this to myself.
Whenever I feel good I always think to myself "How can I let that girl get me so down"
But whenever I feel like I do now I think "How can you forget about that girl?"

Its early yet. That's normal.

Just do some good things for yourself. Exercise, hang with friends.

Force yourself if you have to. Give it time.

You need to just take any kind of food and just shove it down. I mean anything... Give yourself a chance... its only day 2... time going to feel like an eternity but go do something that will take your mind off this for a little bit. I mean... for me I picked up call of duty modern warfare 2 and that kept me busy for 2 days. Just do something other then sitting in your room with your thoughts. The fight now is with your mind and your heart. I believe tal said it best... once the mind knows the answer the heart will eventually follow. I'm 1 month in NC but I slip up a few days ago and man... do I feel like I'm back at square 2 rather then 1.

I agree you have to force yourself -out of bed and into the kitchen-eat right-that's essential. Exercise -you will feel better for it.
Fake it till you make it.

Dude, you have to stop thinking about her! I had the same dream too weeks back. Trust me, loads of it - like being back together, hanging out, laughing and so on because she was always on my mind... every minute, every second. I can't get her out of my mind, got panicked when she went out on a date.. you name it. I know how you feel... it's like a blind fish living in the volcano... Heart aches, dissapointment... You will feel even worse when you got to know she's having a great time while you're sitting in the corner going through the pain and heart aches. I had been through these stages. I can tell you that you will get through this. You just got to stop thinking about her. No stalking on her Facebook, myspace, messenger etc. If not, you're going to be doomed! If she loves you, she will not do this to hurt you. If she loves you, she will hang on and try to work things out with you instead of leaving you! She no longer loves you, dude. Wake up! The most important thing to do right now is to put back your heart together and get over this girl. She certainly doesn't deserve you nor your love. Let go... Holding on to something that isn't meant to be yours will drive you crazy...

She's already having a great time. Why can't you? You need to reclaim back the power you gave her. You shouldn't put her on the pedestal again. You got to take charge of your life again. You got to learn to let go...

Went out last night, soooooooooo many gorgeous girls, my confidence was through the roof. To be honest I'm not looking for a girlfriend, or even a fling, I just want someone to date, to have fun with and maybe create a close friendship.
But when I got back to my dorm and I woke up this morning, I still felt just as broken hearted as a few months ago. I know time heals everything, but it's the hardest medicine to take, especially when you don't see the effects right away.

One fact of life your seeing now is for every high, there is a low right behind it.

But stay positive and think, for every low, a high is on the way.

Lows ain't no fun, but don't let them stop you from eating, and being happy. Rest up for the next high, you may need your strength.

Soon you'll have more highs than lows.
Plan more fun outings,make sure you have something to look forward to everyday.

So, I've been working on something called equanimity for some time now. Which in the case of this situation called for compassion despite any remnant of resentment. So when my ex called me and I could see she was kind of down and out, I resisted the urge to dog her, to let loose all my ill will, to make her feel like absolute scum; instead, I chose to offer her whatever sympathy I could muster. I chose to be there for her regardless of my personal feelings; there was no intention of getting her back or playing games. I just figured me not being there for her or mistreating her wouldn't make my life any easier, wouldn't make me feel any better; it would only serve to hurt her. So I decided I'd do whatever I could to make things easier for her, to help her healing process in whatever way I could...

Only, now I'm realizing I'm not as strong as I need to be.. maybe not as mature as I strive to be... Now NC is broken, and I don't particularly want it back. Now, she's almost all I think about again. Is wrong with me. When the hell am I going to learn form my mistakes... I wish I was stronger than this..

It's a good-hearted gesture what you are doing, but it is nonetheless the wrong one. I also have experience of that (It seems I received all the experience I need after my break up :D ).

I tried to comfort my ex without thinking of getting back with her. So I took her to date, I took care of her.

Unfortunately , it is all wrong, as much right as we would like to do. She broke up with you, so she lost all advantages. By breaking up with you she did a selfish act (understandable and moral but selfish nonetheless), so you should also reciprocate (think of yourself).
Secondly, it is YOU that needs healing, not her the breaker. The breakee suffers much more than the breaker and they need to move on, or else they will suffer much more.
Thirdly, she is feeling down because she doesn't "have" you when you applied NC (she can't keep you as a fallback and that hurts the breaker's ego enormously, as YOU are taking back the power).

As much good you want to do, you are doing only something that will get the situation much worse, for you, and for her. Leave her alone, don't contact her and let her be.

Still out of my mind in love, so tempted to text her earlier, the only reason I didn't is cause I didn't want to wake her up, this was my first love, my first everything, I've been in NC for almost a month and I'm stilllllll crazzzzzy about her, I see some guys up here who are engaged after a few months of NC, I don't know what's up with me, I know I can get plenty of girls, but rihgt now she is the one I want :-(

People are different , some of us bounce back more quickly than others,there are no hard and fast rules so be patient with yourself.
Don't break the NC,it'll only set you back.
Find something you really like doing to your mind off things.

I've been in NC for almost a month and I'm stilllllll crazzzzzy about her,

Not very long at all.

Dude.. It's almost finals week. DON'T BREAK NC. You don't need the distraction.. the drama. No matter what it is you're looking for, YOU calling HER probably isn't the best way to go about finding it.

That's my advise, for whatever it's worth.. Best of luck, with everything.

--Thanks paxe, but what exactly happened to make you say it was all wrong, when you took care of her?

I don't think its wise to ever put the needs of someone over your own, when there is no commitment, and doing so puts you in harms way, maybe not physically, or mentally, but emotionally.

Sounds noble but is it for the best? Are you really helping, or are you just playing through your own agenda, and not letting go and be gone.

Are you killing this person with kindness??

You may want the best for another person, but are you getting in the way of them being responsible for themselves?

Dude.. It's almost finals week. DON'T BREAK NC. You don't need the distraction.. the drama. No matter what it is you're looking for, YOU calling HER probably isn't the best way to go about finding it.

That's my advise, for whatever it's worth.. Best of luck, with everything.

--Thanks paxe, but what exactly happened to make you say it was all wrong, when you took care of her?

Tal summed it up pretty well. I take care of my friends and family, but not of my ex. My friend and family I genuinely care about them, whereas the ex you still have feelings for her. They basically hurt you, why help them. They have been egoistic, why not you? She put herself first before you, so you should do the same.

For me, I took "care" for a good 2 week, just dating, hanging out... The problem was that I still had feelings and the more I saw her, the more hurt I was. I was trying to make her feel better, about the fact that she broke up with me. So basically I was trying to make her feel better of having hurt me.

What happened is that it hurt me more and more until I couldn't take it. You will create hope and hence more pain. She needs to get herself in shape and so do you. NC is the only way.

Got it ;).. Me first.

I'm in the same situation guys...

I broke up with my girlfriend to only want her back.
... by the next day...

We, or most of us are, or have been in the same boat.

That's why we are here. Broken hearted dumpees wondering how to deal with this tragedy & pain.

What's really important is to understand what's really important.

That includes ones that care, unconditionally. Not ones that exit for another, or bail for whatever reason.

What's difficult is to come to the realization that what we had is no longer, even though we are blinded by what may have been good in the past.

To have false hope to think that our exs feel the same as we do. Which, in all honesty is unjustified.

As Tal has mentioned. You shouldn't make someone a priority if they are not willing to do the same.

My breakup was devastating and very painful, but the lessons Ive learned not only about that, but to dig deep into who I am & the types of people that I wish to have in my life have really opened my eyes.

It takes time, work and patience.

Right now we may think that our ex is the end all, but that is the farthest thing from the truth.

We ALL get through this.

You've got to be strong and stick to NC. What's the point of contacting her? It will do you more harm than good. I believe you wouldn't want to end up like me where my ex shared all my private messages with her friends. Save your dignity and respect yourself. No one wants to play with the dog that just lays there moping. They like the cute active doggy that still thinks it is a puppy. Don't stop yourself from healing.

It's been almost 4 months! This is ridiculous and seriously, serrrrrrrrrrrriously starting to get to me. I think about her and I want to throw up. I was taking my diff eq. final this morning, and I don't know how but my mind wandered to her and I sat there thinking about her for about 10 minutes, staring at my exam. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, as much pride as I had before, it seems like it's gone. I told myself , even while I was with the ex, if we'd broke up, I'd be okay with it because "i have to much pride to let a girl get me down"... definitely not, and if I did, it was misplaced pride. I'm starting to think I'm always going to be miserable. Ever since I met her in the 10th grade, this girl has been the center of my world, even for a year and a half before we started dating, I was crazy about her. I know I can't expect to be over her in 4 months, but I mean, I still feel the same same as I did the day after. Every good thing that happens is only a 3 hour temporary solution and then I'm back to where I was.

It takes time buddy to heal yourself. Are you actively healing though? Going out with friends, socializing, new activities, gym? I doubt it. The vacations are coming, you'll find time to relax and enjoy yourself. You need to set yourself a goal and change the perspective from her to you.

Sorry about that calc4 exam... but yea, I'm back were you are... FYI, I've already slipped up on two mid terms because my mind wouldn't stop wandering towards her.

I know everything is back and forth right now; hell, look at how far progressed I've been in my previous posts. I've managed to find that peace of mind every once in a while, but I sure as hell haven't figured out how to sustain it.

And if you think you're the only one, I swore the same thing to myself when we were together. I KNEW I wouldn't let the break up faze me, I'd get over it, move on, I'd adapt, I'd survive, I'd be fine before long... But "before long" has come and gone and right now, I'm barely making it.

Probably the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me happened last night. Scared the hell out of me; despite the anonymity of this forum, it's going to be hard to disclose what happened.

Basically, I woke up about an hour or so before my alarm went off (not abnormal). But I woke up ALREADY in tears, I could still remember my dream and it had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING, absolutely nothing to be upset about. So I had no idea why I was crying, but I COULDN'T STOP. Before long I was crying because I couldn't stop crying... I had to get a wash cloth to clean up my face about a half hour or so later when I had finally regained some control. I proceeded to go back to sleep fully intending to skip my early class and when I woke up, I was still deeply disturbed by the whole thing. It feels like God or the universe is trying to tell me something is wrong with someone in my life, and I'm worried that person is me.

I'm not going to act like I've never cried before, but never often; usually, if I'm ever brought to tears, I recover feeling better than ever... but not this time. I don't know what to do about it. I'm just going to try to process it best I can, and hope to goodness that when I fall asleep tonight I don't wake up soaked in tears.

All these things are so normal.

But one thing to keep in mind is that the damage is already done.

Everything after that is our own doing. Caused by our thoughts.

You have to do whatever it takes not to wallow & keep those negative thoughts at bay. Like paxe says, get out, keep busy, hang with friends. Keep your mind active on positive thoughts.

This is not the end of the world. You are not dying, although it may feel terrible. You are in complete control now.

Show yourself how strong you can be & how you don't NEED this person to be happy again.

Make some daily goals, then weekly ones, then...

Its strange because I do go out, and I do have fun with my friends, nobody else in my life knows this is bugging me anymore except me, and it does help, but then it goes away. It's like I'm on a hill and I'll get to a certain place, then fall back down, and I have to work so hard to get back to that place, but never past it. This past weekend, I went out and I was completely over it. But then it wears off, and it when it does I fall HARD. That's the most frustrating part, thinking you're getting better, and then realizing it was only short term, I guess the same as a rebound, which is why that option is definitely out of the window now.

This sounds kind of sad, but given all of the things I've got going for me right now, I've got good grades, I've got a co-op set up for next semester, I'm surrounded by beautiful women here on this campus, whenever I think about my bright future, I feel better, but then the thought comes up if I'd trade it all to get her back, and to be honest with you, sometimes the answer is yes. I know I need to get out of that mind set. The one thing that I am very happy about is that I have become a lot more humble. Like I said before, I had everything that I wanted, included an amazing girlfriend, I started to feel myself a little too much, which is why I think this has happened, but I honestly don't think God would put me through this much pain if it weren't for a reason

Dude, that is how it goes. An emotional rollercoaster.

I became so frustrated with myself because I would have setbacks & I just wanted it to end.

Like you said, think about that bright future.

That amazing girlfriend was in the past.

What I really believe is that with great suffering, come great awareness.

Use this time to better yourself.

I feel for you, as I know how rough it can be. At one time I was in your shoes, but after getting over that hump, again, and again, not only did I know what needed to be done, but things got a lot better faster.

That's the way gaining life experience works, you learn what to do, and you just do it, and overcome. It may suck every time, but you do KNOW, you'll be okay, and so will your world.

You just have to go through it a few times, that's all.

It's pretty normal to feel this way. Heck 6 month later I still have some down time, but they do wither away pretty fast. It's all about perspective and looking toward the future. You need to make your life exciting so that you won't have to look back. You have to look at this as if the future holds so much more potential, because you've worked so hard on being a better person (right?).

You say you go out with friends and all? Well concentrate on how amazing and fun the night was, and think of future amazing nights. Then think make a plan for the future of a place you would like to go and you never went before.

It's steps like these that will make you feel better.

That's a really great point.

To recognize those good feelings while they are happening & creating more of them.

Saying "Gee, that felt great, gimme some more."

Yes, breaking routine is very important too. Doing things differently, meeting new people.

So, I'm back to torturing myself. Hating myself for letting her break NC.. I don't want to be in this funk anymore... I'm so sick of the ups and downs... I don't understand how I let her get to me..

Last week she was warm and inviting, I let her come over and talk.. let some things go. She told me it was so great to see me (yada yada yada) asked me if I would hang out with her over the weekend, and I was still myself, I was still strong, so I said sure, why not... the days go by and the weekend approaches, and I strangely find myself looking forward to seeing her... the weekend comes and long story short, she blows me off... I know that it shouldn't have bothered me, but I let it eat at me until I had nothing left.

Now I'm sitting here feeling like absolute garbage and I want her to need me like she did before. I'm almost certain that between the night she came over and the weekend she found someone else.. maybe someone she'd already been talking to, maybe somebody she met randomly, maybe the guy she first rebounded with when we broke up(at some point over NC I got word that it didn't end up working out between them), I guess it doesn't matter who or why or when.

So.. in my weakness, I called her today. She tells me that she's not actually dating anyone, but I SWEAR she is. I mean, I know her, I know she's lying to me about this. (Plus I know from a decent source that she is in some way involved with another guy now) But I can't figure out why she would go through the trouble of lying about it when she's obviously SO over me and can't possibly give a crap about me.

Why am I doing this to myself? I feel so pathetic, I should be over all this.

First off, read the stickies about breaking NC. Secondly, tell her you don't want to see her or to hear from her, ever again! Seriously, you won't move on if you torture yourself like that, she is using you and it is blatantly obvious. Use your rational thoughts and apply what you know is best for you.

Apply NC and stick to it, next time she calls, don't answer and next time you want to hear something from her, hit your head on the wall (metaphorically).

"Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves." - Byron

I guess I was making myself a slave. I really like the "hit your head on the wall" part; actually I love it. I get it man, thanks so much for reminding me.

You know, there should really be a twelve step program for getting over break ups... I mean it's clear that I've been addicted to her; every low that I've had could be described as something like a withdrawal symptom. NC is great, but it's like telling an alcoholic to remove all the booze from his from his home when the booze can just, literally, come knocking on his door the next day.

But yea, I guess it's back to the fundamentals. NC will have to do for now.

The4peuticH3at,

Instead of hijacking the thread of others, why not start your own.

Hijacking huh... My bad, I just figured any advice that was good for me would be good for sadnlost. I mean, I thought we were in a similar place with all this. I've gained a lot from what you guys have said to him. I figured it might work both ways.

It's kind of funny you said that though. I actually tried to make my own thread last night after it felt like I had hit a new low and after I clicked "Post" or w/e, the site went down. Of course, all the text input from the form was lost. That kind of turned me off to the whole thing, but yea, if it's a problem I won't post my baggage on this thread anymore.

You can write your post in Microsoft Word, and then copy and paste it so at least when the site has glitches, you don't lose what you have written.

I think I figured out why this happens to me... whenever I have a period of high confidence, about school, or especially other girls, I don't care about my ex, sometimes I even get angry at myself for letting it get me so down.
But whenever I have a period of low confidence, that's when I start to miss her. Does this make any sense?

That's why its so important to have a backup plan to counteract the lows-get busy,physically active,phone a friend-do whatever it takes to change your mindset and get back to a happier you.

Yea it does make sense. I was obsessed a couple of month after my break up of getting "attention" from girl (girls looking at me, flirting... ). It would boost me up for the day but then if I didn't have this "high" I would just go to a low. Give it time, you will stabilize and everything will be right.

If you blocked your ex on fb, and you get curious about what he or she is doing. DO NOT CHECK! DO NOT CHECK! I just set myself back probably 2 months by being curious and looking at my ex's Facebook. I hate myself sooooooooooo much right now I want to die. She's in love. Already, I fell see worthless if she can replace me in freaking a month! I hate this, this sucks so bad. Do not do that to yourself. Whatever wondering I had is gone and it is 10 times worse than I thought.This isn't a rebound. It's the real deal and I can't believe she could replace me so quickly, I want to throw up.

Good lesson learned, right?

Don't check up or have any contact with someone that replaces you.

She's not doing the same is she? Wondering & pining for you?
Why should you? False hopes? Curiosity?

Stop worrying about what she's up to. The less you know, the better.
What do you want to know more about you she's with & investigate.
That just sick & twisted.

That only causes more pain.

Yeah, believe me. That feeling of rejection was one of the hardest things that I had to let go. But, wake up. Don't waste your energy on feeling crappy about her. It sucks, Yes. But she's gone now. Get it?

But realize that this person is your EX, ie: no longer in your life.

Start being concerned about getting back on track.

Its all about YOU & what your next move is to get over this bs.

Yeah, but this is probably the worst I've ever been, I'm not going to be recover for a long time, and I have a whole month at home, away from school, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Use this time to regroup, have fun with people that care & not wallow.

You don't need her to make you happy. Remember this.

Actually getting away from this will do you some good, if you let it & don't spend your time dwelling.

Your better off being at home right now, away from things as vanheart said. This way it won't hurt your school performance, and you'll be a bit more distanced from the whole thing. Try to do stuff to get your mind off things, get out with friends, play video games, whatever.

For studying during a break up, I suggest a very intensive training session in the morning so that you get endorphines for the rest of the day and you'll be much more efficient later on.

The hardest part is not thinking about it. By doing things, when I start enjoying myself, I think "hey I'm actually having fun" and as soon as I think that, I realize that I'm not thinking about "her" which actually makes me think of "her." First love blues :-//// I know I'm still young but after that first one I feel like I'll never find someone I care about as much as I did her.

The thing is you will. In a while you'll be able to look back on this as a bad patch but a learning experience.

Man, I went out last night, had an AMAZING time. If I could bottle this feeling up, I'd never have anything to complain about. So, from here, I can tell you that I know you know this feeling, and I know you'll be here right where I am (or close) in due time, but it's wholly up to you. You know the deal, if you want to be happy, you have to let her go, PERIOD. You don't need her, you don't need to know what she's up to, you don't need to know if she still thinks about you, it doesn't matter. She's behind you, stop looking back or you'll miss out on what in front of you. Life is perspective, find a better one.

If it helps, whatever she has with this new dude will never be what she had with you. Every relationship is unique; SHE CAN NEVER REPLACE YOU. Don't forget that, don't be surprised if she tries to come back to you somewhere down the line.

Been sick, I haven't been able to eat or sleep. :-/ I watched the UFC fight with me friends from HS last night which didn't really help, the whole time I was thinking about her. This whole time that we've been broken up, I've never hurt this bad so I'm not sure how long its going to take for me to recover, if at all. I can't even picture it, not being able to care. I wish I could talk to her to know what I did wrong, one so I could know,and two so I would know what to not do if I ever have another relationship. I feel a little awkward about the whole situation because she seems so happy, which should be what I want, but selfishly I want to be the one to make her happy.

As normal as these thoughts are, give it time and heal actively. There is no fast remedy against break up depending on how active you are to healing and if you apply NC or not.

But it's been 4 months, I've tried everything. Met other girls, worked out, focused on school, went out, started reading more. I mean everything is just short term, as soon as I stop doing something I still miss her. I'm seriously starting to think there's something wrong with me, all I have are regrets about how I acted, its weird because when we first broke up, all I could think about was how happy we were together, now all I think about is all the times I let her down. It breaks my heart thinking of how much easier J could have made her happier but I was too stubborn and too proud.

Time to stop blaming yourself,we all make mistakes and your overthinking the past isn't helping you move forward.
Every time you start feeling low get busy and actively do something to change your thoughts.

You have been here long enough to know the routine, and wallowing over split milk is not one of the ways we tell you to do for yourself. That's a quitters lament.

This maybe the hardest thing you have ever done, so don't make it harder by beating yourself up for past failures.

I expect more from you than just crying about your past shortcomings, and expect a lot more effort, than saying nothing has worked for you so far.

Try harder, work harder, and overcome those negative feelings, as they will surely hold you back.

It takes time dude, so make the most of it by focusing on what you can do for yourself.

No more of the negative, geez, you should have been cheering with your mates and not worrying about what she did, or is doing. How useless is that??

Sorry to be harsh, but your drowning in your own shat here, and that is unacceptable.

Maybe you should volunteer, and do someone who needs help some good, so you can understand how lucky you are to have friends, and things to look forward too.

Try not to get hung up on the shoulda-coulda's. I think every man that's ever lived would do just about anything for a rewind button. All you can do is reflect a bit and take everything into consideration when you're putting your best foot forward. We've all made mistakes. No one is perfect; there will always be moments that we'll wish we could have back. Try not to become so fixated on it; otherwise, this'll just be another moment you'll find yourself regretting.

Hey - read my original posts about me dealing with my ex - at exactly 4 months of being broken up he started dating someone else (whom he had met while we were dating) - I went through the same feelings.

BUT, I decided to take the high road and say, "OK, he is over me no matter how much I wish he wasn't - he is - and I need to be over him - I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me"

You don't want this to hurt you even more than it already does - I know it sucks but just stay busy - go out with friends and above all - never check up on her again on Facebook - maybe in 3 years or something once you have been with someone else, but not anytime soon.

Rarely is your first love the only one for you - and just think if you felt that good being with her, the person who is really right for you will make you feel even better, so don't miss out on that better person! Good luck hun!

So we both were dumped at the same time. I am doing a lot better after 3 months... We are getting there. You have to hang in there. For whatever reasons, they don't want us. We both feel like we did everything for them and made them happy so many times so why do they want to stay away from us? I was so hurt and still am. I can't believe we are still broken up and I can't believe after having her, how was I able to ruin everything. Then I think about how good I really was to her in general and how she took advantage of me in a way and then I realise I did my part. She just wanted out. She probably just kept collecting all the little flaws of mine and since she didn't feel the way I did, she didn't let them go. Instead, she held on until she found it in herself to let go of me. We both can ask question forever and wonder why did they leave? Was is because of one thing we did wrong? No, it is because they just felt like giving up. It's a collection of things and they felt like giving up. Its pathetic, I know. I still have so many memories... dont you? I try everyday to move on but then I think that the future doesn't include her and how can days be so happy without her in it? That's the happiness I know. How can that be replaced? This is very hard! I'm trying to figure everything out just like you. Feel free to ask me anything. I stay going to the gym and I stay busy. It's just hard to imagine I can be happy without her and trying to figure out how.

For the past couple of days I've been doing a lot better. I think of them together and it bothers me still, but I don't let it really effect me. However today is the ex's birthday, I've felt like complete crap all day. I don't know why. I wish that I could skip today, I knew that I was going to be in a bad mood even a few days ago. I struggled so long with whether to send her a happy birthday text. I don't know why I let this get me down so much, one of those, I can't eat type of days. I texted her "happy birthday ******, I hope you have a good break." Just to be a nice guy, and before I sent it I was praying that she wouldn't text me back. She did it said "thanks! you too." For the love of God that was probably the worst text she could have sent me, I haven't cried over her since... maybe late August, and now I'm on the verge of tears as I'm typing this.

When I realize that I have to move on and let go, I feel okay, there are other girls. But right now it seems like I wasted so much time while I was with her. Like it meant nothing to her and the world to me. I don't want to feel like a stepping stone to something better :-/

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment cause I knew that it would hurt me, but I wanted to let her know that I still cared. The way she responded, I feel like she has 0 feelings for me now, which should make me want to move on, but instead makes me feel even worse about the situation. Just a little venting...

Unfortunately, this is a perfect and painful example of why NC is so important.

To not subject yourself to the personal hurt any longer.

So, you slipped. No big whoop. Just stay NC now and focused on the things that make you feel good, not bad.

When I realize that I have to move on and let go, I feel okay, there are other girls. But right now it seems like I wasted so much time while I was with her. Like it meant nothing to her and the world to me.I have my OK moments where I feel like I'll get over her and find someone eventually, and then I have moments where the only thing I can think of is how much I miss her. I don't know if that's anything like what you feel? Hopefully, as we heal, we'll have more of those OK moments and fewer of the bad ones.

Exactly, I did & you will too.

You have to work at it, no easy answers here. Whatever works for you.

One thing I said to myself after a while is "why am I spending time on someone that doesnt want me?"

She moved on & with someone else like you said.

You are living in the past by even missing her.

What's ironic is that we think our ex is feeling the same. Hurt, pain, regret, whatever. But that is the farthest thing from the truth.

Obviously, they didn't feel the same. Ya know??

Yep no contact -no Facebook. I just got reminded of that myself today. A mutual friend of my ex and mine's father passed away and I was on my friends Facebook page sending him a message, saw my ex's photo, so clicked on it (stupid me) and found out his new girlfriend is taking him to an eagles game this weekend - which is the same christmast present I bougt for him last year :( ugh. But - all is not lost - I have moved on quite a bit and just know that there's other guys out there - it reconfirmed why I should never click on his name again though!

I guess it's been a little while since the whole FB incident, but I want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement that I've received since I've been here. I think the trick for me to start healing was really letting go and not hoping for her to come back, its amazing how much REAL no contact helps. I've remembered why we broke up to begin with and I remember how it felt being with her and how unhappy I was during the last few weeks of our relationship. Next semester I'm working a Co-op and going to continue to keep my grades up, I also asked me parents for a keyboard for Christmas I'm going to start teaching myself how to play.
But I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm def. on my way and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks everyone!
:-}

Nice for you! Keep it up!

Great news and all the best.
Happy holidays!

Yup, you got it it right.

Continue to have fun. And you will soon wake up feeling stoked.

Take your time.

I think the trick for me to start healing was really letting go and not hoping for her to come back, its amazing how much REAL no contact helps. I've remembered why we broke up to begin with and I remember how it felt being with her and how unhappy I was during the last few weeks of our relationship. But I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm def. on my way and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.Realizing that it was over was a turning point for me as well (although I have to remind myself of it every day). Thinking about the very end seems like a good trick, I'll keep that in mind myself. Great to see that you're doing better. Good luck with the keyboard :)

I guess an update, I hope everyone had a great holiday, I def. did, enjoyed it with my family. Just want to keep writing up here every time something interesting happens so I can keep looking at my progress. I just saw 1 of our mutual friends put up pictures of her with the ex and a group and her new dude with was her, it's weird, the first maybe 10 seconds I got that sick feeling, my heart started beating fast, and then it went away, usually it consumes my thoughts and I won't be able to do anything for hours, but now, it just kind of popped up and then went away. I don't really look at her as my girlfriend anymore, or a girl that I want to get with, she's just a girl that makes my heart skip a beat when I see her, and then I'm good.
I'm taking this girl that I used to work with out to lunch tomorrow, not as a date just to catch up, hopefully being around another girl will give me an extra push in the right direction.

Nice for you! Hope you do get even better.

If you have any female peers in your family, they can help too. Especially if they understand where you're coming from. Men in your family will generally have just as much trouble teaching you how to deal with your emotions as you do in dealing with them in person. So, yeah, women in your family or close female friends may be able to give you better perspective when you need it.

Signs of improvement, great to see that you're healing. Keep going strong.

I guess seeing those pics has had a bigger effect on me than I thought because I've been pretty miserable the past couple of days... it's strange because whenever I get upset, I can't imagine not caring, but whenever I feel better I can't imagine letting it bug me. It's hard trying not to show my emotions around my family, because I don't want my parents to think they raised a weak child, my brother and sister have told me that I need to suck it up and let go, but even still 4 months later, I still need someone to talk to whenver I feel bad... my goal was to be completely over this before school started, I can't let this crap mess up my next semester, I think my best bet would be to go rebound, I think it will provide me with some emotional stability... maybe? I don't know, but it seems like 4 months, I should have moved on, the same thoughts and memories pop into my head, but they have a much bigger effect of me when I'm feeling like this... idk, sorry I know I'm probably pissing people off by now with my story :-)

Just venting I guess

Your in the right place to talk or vent, as many of us can relate to what your saying.

Its not uncommon for people, places, and things, to trigger our emotions, and stir feelings up in us.

That's simply human, and no one can say how long they need to overcome the obstacles we face, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Be patient, and focus on the enjoyment of doing your own thing, and stay away from using others to make yourself feel better.

That's not fair to your victim, and it causes more problems, than it solves. Keep working, you'll get there.

It takes everyone a different amount of time to get other people that were important to them. I went out with one guy for 3 years - we broke up and I wasn't phased at all - went out with one guy for 6 months and was messed up for like 6 months and still have days once in a while where I miss him.

Best thing to do is take your time - don't use someone else to get over her - you will hurt that person's feelings, and might not even make yourself feel any better. You need to focus on you and doing things that are healthy and mke you feel better. Don't give yourself a time limit for feeling better because once that dates gets closer you could get more antsy and not better.

Everything takes time - it sucks we all know - but it's a new year, so focus on doing new things with new people:)

Vent all you want, no problem.
Going for a rebound sounds like a temporary solution at best though, and it's pretty dishonest and disrespectful towards the new girl. To me at least, that sounds like a bad idea.

Remember that looking at her picture is like setting the whole NC back to 0. With full NC it should take you less time.

Remember that looking at her picture is like setting the whole NC back to 0. With full NC it should take you less time.

But I'm not friends with her on fb or anything, like I didn't think it bothered me when I saw it but I guess subconciously it did because this was my 3rd night in a row where I didn't really sleep that well because of it. And the fact that she's moving back means I'm going to see her all the time now, so it's like whenever I see her, I'm screwed and I'll go back to square 1? :-/

No that gets easier with time.
The first time's bound to be a bit of a setback but you'll get used to it.

Your so worried about seeing her that you are not thinking of doing your thing and having fun. Have fun, and it will get better.

I live in a small area - and used to run into my ex all the time. I got to say it was hard at first. Then I learned to avoid places where he might be - at least for a few months until I thought I could handle it. It certainly takes a while. I still avoid him if possible, but we did have dinner the other day with a group of friends. It was surprisingly not too awkward. But that night I couldn't sleep because I missed him.

Don't worry about seeing her - if you do you do - and you will be past it. Keep having fun If it starts to get to you, just start going to some different places. You don't have to avoid her forever, but untl you don't care what she is doing, its probably easier.

This is the first period that I've had trouble sleeping, just dreams over and over again, it's pretty depressing. I've stayed in my room, watching movies and messing around with my keyboard for the past couple of days.

It seems that every setback I have is ten times worse than the last, I even for a microsecond almost sort of thought about what would happen if I killed myself

I'm not going to, no def. not. I would never hurt my family like that, yet the pain I'm going through that keeps coming back is ridiculous. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Whatever lesson I was supposed to learn, I've humbled myself, I learned what went wrong in our relationship, I've learned not to take people for granted, I've learned that I'm not always right. But I don't understand why this pain has to be so extreme.

I'm going to go play poker with my friends in a few, if that doesn't help me feel better, I think I might have to break NC. I found an email from her she sent me while we were dating, it said

"I love you thats all I'll ever need- ever- if you could just promise me that you'll love me forever and ever, I'll be yours for all eternity."

I think I may forward that to her, maybe it'll hit a nerve, IDK
Wish me luck in my poker game though.

God Bless

A. PLEASE stay safe, and don't do anything to hurt yourself (or your loved ones). There is no person out there that is worth giving up your own life for! Believe me it hurts - but in time it becomes less and you will no doubt meet someone new.

B. The only way to meet someone new is to GET OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM! Dwelling on something over and over again rather than getting out and being around your friends is making it so much worse! If you start to feel bad - get out - go to the gym -go for a walk - a drive - call up some friends. DO NOT sit in your room for days!

C. DO NOT SEND HER THE EMAIL. She is passed it all - sending the email will only make it hurt more! She will either not respond which will hurt your feelings - or respond in a negative way that will hurt your feelings. Don't send her that email or any other emails. Go cold turkey - do not talk to her - make it your new years resolution. If you can go a month totally NC (including Facebook, and your friends updates on her) reward yourself with a new video game or a drinking fest with your friends.

Sending the email is going to make it seem like you are still dwelling on her, and she is going to know she can have you back at the drop of a hat, but she'll keep doing whatever she's doing. It's not going to have the effect you think it will.

D. Go play poker! Have fun! Keep going out - it's the only way to meet new people - and get your mind off everything. The holidays are always bad - but it's a new year - and time for a new YOU!

Take Care Hun!

Thanks a lot bella, I just got back in from hanging out with my friends, it did help some, they joked about how much weight I've lost though (not a good thing, I went from probably 6'3 180 to about 160ish) cause of the whole broke up, a similar situation just recently happened to 1 of the guys I was hanging with, dated a girl for about 3 years, she dumped him, dating a new guy a week later, and we didn't really talk about it but he did tell me that he was pretty screwed up when it happened, I coulndt tell if he was over it or not, I don't know... also a lot of me and the exes mutual friends didn't even know we broke up, haven't seen them since the summer, and when I told a couple of them tonight when they asked about her, they were like speechless, they didn't think we'd ever break up.

But yeah anyway, I do feel a little better after being out tonight, I'm going to go play some basketball with them again tomorrow afternoon so hopefully that will help too. So yeah I guess sitting in and dwelling does make it worse. This past morning I was rolling around in my bed, sounding like a sick puppy :-/








C. DO NOT SEND HER THE EMAIL. She is passed it all - sending the email will only make it hurt more! She will either not respond which will hurt your feelings - or respond in a negative way that will hurt your feelings. Don't send her that email or any other emails. Go cold turkey - do not talk to her - make it your new years resolution. If you can go a month totally NC (including facebook, and your friends updates on her) reward yourself with a new video game or a drinking fest with your friends.

Sending the email is going to make it seem like you are still dwelling on her, and she is going to know she can have you back at the drop of a hat, but she'll keep doing whatever she's doing. It's not going to have the effect you think it will.


The last email I sent her, I mean I twas a little while ago, but it had an effect on her, initially she responded telling me she wanted to get back with me but she wasn't ready to be with me because we were so serious, she also noted that every time I contacted her, it just made it more and more painful for her and that I was being selfish for hurting her like that... so yeaaa after just typing that last sentence I guess I won't send her the email because it won't do ne good... I just wish I could figure out how she changed her feelings, so complete 180, but I guess I won't find out because it doesn't matter... but yeah anyway, I feel a little better now, I'm going to go catch some TV n then hit the sack, hopefully no dreams about her, still can't imagine a better girl though, you know the little things that she did for me and we share are kind of what's getting to me the most.

Oh well
Ill probably be back to vent some more tomorrow.
Buenas noches

Have a good sleep-its half eight in the morning here-keep doing things with your friends-wish I had mates who play poker-love the game-and know that you will get over this.
Be good to yourself.

How often do you think about killing yourself? I'll be honest, there have been times when I've been so desperate and hurting that I just wanted it to stop, and I've had the same thoughts. It's one thing to have the idea pop into your head as kind of a sidenote that you dismiss ten seconds later though, but if you think about it a lot and start planning on how to do it, then it's time to seek help.

Bella is right, getting out and doing something is key, ideally with someone else. Stay active, stay social.

My mind is still wondering how my ex was able to do a 180 on me - I guess that's the mystery - if we knew how that happened we think maybe we wouldn't hurt so much - but you know - maybe we would hurt even more if we knew the truth. So leave it the way it is.

You don't want to try to convince someone to go out with you that doesn't want to be with you 100% or whom can't make up her mind. IF you got her back - you don't know that she wouldn't be chatting up some other guy, saying she wanted to be with him but didn't know when.

When you find a person that wants to be with you 100% - it feeels so much better and there is so much less anxiety than going out with the 80% because you know they have no doubts about you, and they are willing to be there for you.

Hang in there - have fun playing basket ball! I have to go to work :( Win ay money playing poker?

Had to spread the rep Bella, but your right about maybe sometimes there are things you don't want to know about exes, as its confusing enough just to wrap your head around the idea that their feelings have changed. That's confusing enough to understand, so when you throw all the reasons they have in the mix, its quite mind boggling.

I doubt that its just one fixable (you think) thing though, but a bunch of stuff over time.

Honestly it wasn't until I had my own feelings change about a partner, that I started to understand how feelings can change, and sometimes you may not be aware of it right away.

We live, and learn.

Strange, yesterday would have been on 3yearanniv. I didn't send her an email, but she did email me, telling me basically that she doesn't want my feelings for her to keep me from living my life, and that she cares about me, but in a different way now... I didn't really effect me, but maybe gave me some hope. If her feelings can change, than maybe mine can too. But I don't understand how they can change so quickly, a month or so ago, she was telling me that she was crying telling me that she really wanted to be with me, and now she's saying she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I guess everyone is different, but I'm guessing her 'rebound' is what made it easy for her to move on. Everyone up here says that it hinders my personal development and that it's wrong to do that to another person... I'll be the first to admit that I still have strong feelings for my ex, I really really miss her, so I'd def. be carrying baggage into my next relationship, but if she can move on with a rebound, why can't I? Like I realize the best way to move on is to just take some time for myself, but the number one reason why I don't want to do that, is because, I've got so much going on next semester, I can't afford to have something pop into my head about her before an exam or while I'm studying and ruin my train of thought, that happened a few times last semester and it really sucked.

One thing I don't like the idea of is dating a bunch of girls throughout my twenties, and then marrying the one that I happen to be with when I'm ready to settle down. It seems like that is becoming more and more commonplace, I know people who get married without knowing each other for more than a year, that's probably why I'm having such a hard time getting over her, because I honestly didn't have any doubt that I was going to marry her.

It's a weird feeling knowing that all of those feelings she had for me are dead, like before I figured we probably wouldn't get back together, but I at least thought she still had SOME feelings for me, I mean she told me she did.

I don't know what to do though, like I can't imagine not having feelings for her, and that's exactly what I want, to not have any romantic feelings for her, but I feel like I'm going to have to deal with it my entire life, I'm pretty scared that maybe 10 years from now, I'll still be in love with her, and that I'll have to settle for second best in whoever I end up with. Can anyone relate?

Any thoughts about my new take on the rebound theory?

I think you should stop trying to map out such a bleak future for yourself-first things first and now you've got a new semester ahead of you-that's where your concentration should,and will go,and I think you'll find that once you get into those routines you 'll feel a lot more contented.
As for rebounds,it is not fair on the other person,and most rebounds,for one reason or another,end up messy.

My fiancé and I were together less than a year before I proposed, but we have had a long engagement which will result in the wedding this June. Sometimes you meet people and you just click, I was always one who placed time tables on things, until this relationship, it just works with us. We gel really well together.

Stop looking for someone else to fix you, fix yourself by yourself. Stop worrying about if you will meet someone else. I have met all of my relationships when I wasn't looking for anything

Stop looking for someone else to fix you, fix yourself by yourself. Stop worrying about if you will meet someone else. I have met all of my relationships when I wasn't looking for anything

Right now I don't have time for that though. I've got so much on my plate next semester, 1 thought about her or anything and my focus is gone. I need to get over this asap and move on with my life. Her rebound is working out perfectly fine and now she's over me, it took like 2 and a half months, happy for her. I'm still pissed off about the whole situation, but if she can do it, and her rebound can work for her, why can't it work for me? Maybe, like hers, it will turn into something more meaningful.

Your life is not defined by what goes on in her life. Your life is yours-free of the complications if you so choose.
Don't go down the road of the what ifs and the maybes.

Hang in there... Believe me, you will get over this. I had your same thoughts 3 times in my life. I'm still living and enjoying life. I know I will find a great girl soon. You will have different memories with a different girl and you will love those just as much if not more. You will realize new things. Your mind is limited because you are young and you don't know much. I mean that in a good way. Trust me, I know you will be fine. If you got a girl like her, you can find better. Duh. I have hope in you. Stay positive and try to stay strong. Working out is a good idea. You will be fine!

It seems to me like you are in the mind set that she is the ONLY person for you in this world. Each time I have had my heart broken, a few months or years later a new guy who is even better than the last, so I know there is more than one right person out there for each of us.

Now, I'm not condoning a rebound - I was the victim of one and it hurt me a lot. Why not just focus on having fun in YOUR life. If someone comes along that you show a bit of interest in, hang out with them, if something happens it does - you don't have to make it a relationship, but make sure they know where you are going with this up front. You don't have to have a rebound - why not just focus on making new friends and meeting new people.

September is when I really started to turn around (after being broken up with in April). Things started to turn around because school started again and I focused on that. Also my ex started datng someone in August so I cut off all contact with him, and decided he shouldn't be the only person who is happy - why am I suffering while he is having fun? He didn't know nor did he care that I was suffering so I was only hurting myself. So, I decided to have fun for me - not worry about what he was doing, if he would care, or any of that.

I made a new years resolution to refrain from contacting my exes unless I randomly run into them or something. Yea I still am hurt once in a while by the thoughts of how change affects our lives, but I am so so so much better once I stopped comparing the fun I was having to the life of my ex.

Out of site out of mind - hang out with new people - throw yourself into your school work - make new friends in your new classes - try new things. Really that's the key to this.

It's been like a week since I last posted, Idk it's weird how quickly my feelings change, this time last week I was pretty pathetic, but right now I feel like I'm not top of the world. Every time I have this feeling something will set me back, like seeing a pic of her, or looking on her fb or something. That's not happening again I cut off ALL contact, deleted all of her friends, got rid of every single thing that reminded me of her, trashed it all. I don't want to be bitter about the situation but I am still pretty angry about what she did to me. I think I'm going to funnel that energy into working out and using it as motivation to blow her away when she moves back, just to be like "this is what you lost"

Also, I don't think I'm going to go the rebound route, mostly cause I don't want to be tied down. When I got back to school I was talking to a bunch of different girls and it made me feel more confident about the situation, and made me think back to way back in the 9th grade, before I even met the ex, and how happy I was back then.

Hopefully there won't be another set back.

Keep doing things for YOU not for her-what she thinks or feels doesn't matter anymore.

Things could not be better, I love my new job, school is going well, the whole mass gain is in full swing. Thanks everyone for all of the tough love.

Confidence is the biggest thing that has helped me move on, I'm 120% sure that I'm the best that she will ever have, at the same time, I want her to be happy, so I hope she finds someone who is a close second.

Still not ready to start something new, I have been "talking" to a few girls since I've been back but I don't think anything is going anywhere, just trying have some fun and meet new people.

But yeah, I'll provide any updates if anything new and interesting happens in my life, but never going back to where I was

Hey-great news!
Keep going and stay happy.
Good luck!

Nice to hear.
Thanks for the update.
Keep going.

So glad to hear that you are feeling better. Take a lot of time to do things for you that you want to do, and don't worry about when your next relationship will start. It will happen eventually and you should just be totally happy to be single until then! Lots of great reasons to be single, like doing whatever you want whenever you want with whomever you want - and you don't even have to tell anyone where you are going :)

Been 6 months, it still stings like crazy, everything else in my life is fine, but the break up is still a very sensitive, soft spot, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's a feeling I'll always have to live with.

The sting will fade and it won't be as sensitive-leaving just a bittersweet memory.

Severe wounds are always sensitive until they heal. It takes time so stick with taking your medicine.

I had a scar on my leg from a hockey skate blade, the scar was purple for about 5 yrs, now you can't even see it hardly!

Time and NC is what it takes so that the sting go away. Make your own life interesting and enjoyable and you should be fine soon.

Great story!! I read all 21 pages and every post! Its amazing to see people change and grow after such a hurtful grevious time in there lives. If you find joy in the journey then you can take your trials and tribulations and weaknesses and turn them into a strength for yourself!! Keep us updated!!

I am not having a setback, nothing happened, but I've been trying to fool myself this whole time. I keep telling myself I'm over her, I can find better, but deep down I know that I'm not anywhere close to being over her. I've done EVERYTHING right, I've been in NC since like, I don't know early November, the last time I looked at her fb was every December, this semester, I'm so busy, I've got work, I've got school, I've been lifting, I'm learning the piano still, and I just recently joined a fraternity, and everything seems perfect from the outside, the fraternity, I love it, I've met so many people, there's always someone to hang out with, school and my job are amazing, I've put on weight, but to be honest, I'd trade it all back in a second to be back with her, or to have back what we had.

It's very sad because I know that even if she wanted me back, I could never go back to her, after what she put me through, I don't think she deserves me, I couldn't let myself do it. But that's what I want so bad, and I've always wanted it.

What eats me up the most is how quickly she moved on, if we were both single, I probably would have been healed much quicker, and I'd probably feel a whole lot better, but her moving on, downgrading in the eyes of most, makes me feel so much worse. I probably have at least one dream a night thinking of her having sex with her new guy. In my mind, she's having the best sex in the history of the world.

It's just something I've learned to deal with though. It bothers the crap out of me, but no one knows, I don't let my emotions show, everyone thinks I'm over it. But to be honest there have been times, maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks that I cry thinking about everything.

I don't know if anyone can relate to what I'm saying, I don't want her back, I can never take her back, but I wish I could.

I feel like I'm thinking about everything that's perfect about our relationship, and she's thinking, or was thinking about that's bad about it.

I feel like, I'd be able to move on better if I knew she was hurting just as much as I was, she might be, she's sort of hinted at it a couple of times, but I don't know. It wouldn't give me hope, it would make me feel like I wasn't the only one who had invested emotions in our relationship.

I don't know, I'm all over the place, I'm just venting, its been almost 7 months, and I still haven't really moved on any. I've been gotten to the point where I've been able to deal with it all, but I still hurt like crazy, I probably think about her on average once every 5 minutes. I really really loved her, and I've changed a lot, humbled myself, become a nicer guy, and really grown up, but Idk, I feel like I need her to share it with, I don't know what to do at this point, I get the temptation to contact her, but that will do nothing, I want to look at her Facebook but that will only make it worse, I don't know my imagination is really killing me right now, I'm at work and I've been typing this up for the past half hour, I don't know I need some help

Look at everything you have achieved and be proud of yourself.
That's what you need to focus on now.

There is no rule book that says you have to heal after a specific number of days.

I do think though,that you should stop measuring yourself against your ex.

It really doesn't matter how she is or what she is doing.

What matter is that you keep going the way you are and that you are patient with yourself.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Its been almost a year for me and I still sometimes wish it would work out between us, but at the same time I don't think he deserves the time of day from me. And yes, it is because you still are only thinking about the good times with her when you do think about her.

There is nothing I can tell you to do that you aren't already doing, except in time you will meet another person that you will have fun with again and then you won't compare your life to your exes any more.

Just think about the fun you are having with your new friends, being single, and don't compare your life to hers. I always think of everything as the next step to where ever I'm meant to be. There is someone much more amazing out there that you haven't met yet.

Keep doing what your doing... there's a lot of people in your boat.

I don't know if anyone can relate to what I'm saying, I don't want her back, I can never take her back, but I wish I could.

Classic case of denial. You say you would trade everything just to go back to the way things WERE? WHY? I can see that you have been trying very hard to move on but the fact remains that you continue to dwell on the past and all the what ifs


I feel like I'm thinking about everything that's perfect about our relationship, and she's thinking, or was thinking about that's bad about it.

You have to stop thinking of what she thinks. STOP IT NOW! It took me a minute to come to the realization that things were over but if you have one last though of her let it be this "she left me, that tells me she just doesnt care and why should I?". That works for me and every time I think about getting back with my ex I remember this thought.



I feel like, I'd be able to move on better if I knew she was hurting just as much as I was, she might be, she's sort of hinted at it a couple of times, but idk. It wouldn't give me hope, it would make me feel like I wasn't the only one who had invested emotions in our relationship.

Again, you have to stop wondering about her and hoping she is going through the same pain. She may or may not be. I don't contact my ex anymore but I do hope she is well.(I used to wish her pain, but that does no good it only stoops to their level) that makes me feel better. Be the bigger man and walk away from this mess for good. Like others have said, there is no timeframe to get over someone but you need to really dig deep and know that there is no going back, only moving forward.

Hey it's normal. It's going to be 6 months for me too. It's funny because I think about the same things like she is having the best sex ever. Then it made me laugh after you said it and it made me realize it's something we all think of. They are not having the best sex in the world. I highly doubt they could find better sex. After doing this one girl who keeps coming back and she wants to hang out again, it showed me that sex is just as good with another girl. I used to grab my girl in the neck and have her smack my face and tell her to touch herself and lick her breast and I'd kiss her feet and bang her saying dirty things. I mostly missed being close and being able to do that stuff. After doing those same things with the new girl, I realized it can happen again and it helped. It's not exactly the same but that's because there isn't that love feeling but it helped me realize sex is just as good and can be a lot better. Sorry for the vivid details but I'm trying to help you out. You are probably having a bad day or thinking too much at work. It happens to me and I can't even write about it here anymore so I suck it in. You will be fine though. I had one love that was very short and the other for about a year and the longest and closest bond was my last one. There is always another one out there. Be patient. Trust me and keep your head up. You've had bad days before, right? These are just those days. You will be a better man at the end. You are maturing and you don't even know it. You are doing great so stay positive and continue being the best you can be. ARMY. LOL

I can def understand why it bothers you that she's with someone else. For me, even the notion that my ex has hooked up with someone or may have a new boyfriend is unsettling, knowing that it's a fact is probably a killer. Hard as it is though, we have to try to follow NewGuy's advice and stop thinking about how she's feeling and how/what she's doing. Keep up the effort, it will pay off eventually.

Hey everybody, thanks for the support, the bad feelings go away, and then come back very quickly, I think it's just a phase and this weekend I'll let out some frustration and have a little fun.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend from hs last night who goes to the same college as me, and her and her hs boyfriend broke up last year, and she started dating someone else soon after, she said that she no longer has romantic feelings for her ex, and doesn't look at him like that anymore, but she still deals with their breakup...

Our breakup was pretty ugly, we broke up, got real emotional, said some pretty harsh things to each other, tried being friends, stopped talking, and then she started dating that other guy, one of the things that bothers me the most is that we were so close and then overnight everything fell apart the way that it did...

Will I always have to "deal" with out breakup, even if I'm in love with someone else?

I don't think you'll have to deal with it much longer,it's a learning experience and its part of life.

That doesn't mean you'll feel sad whenever you remember it,it'll be a memory,though bittersweet.

People don't just break up over night. She had been feeling this way for some time, you just didn't see it.

Deal with the breakup head on by NC her. Over time you will heal and move on completely. Sure you are going to think about her from time to time and wonder how she is doing. That's normal. But those thoughts will become less frequent as you progress through life

Once you fall in love with someone else, your feelings won't be the same for your ex. You will still care about her, but not in the same way -and you will be glad that you two broke up, because if you had stayed together you would never have met the next and better girl :) There is a reason for everything.

Believe me, never want someone who has left you. They are gone for a reason you cannot understand at this time. Actions do speak louder than words and if she has moved on with another guy so soon she has been looking for someone else way before you knew. So don't look back, keep your good memories but don't waste your energy and heart on someone who can walk away from you.

You will move on to other things to deal with soon. But if you haven't learned from this experience, you will carry your mistakes to the next relationship as unpacked baggage.

You are getting way ahead of yourself. Don't worry about those things.

Concentrate on yourself and having fun. Healing now.

Time will tell. You may find that you wake up one day & she is a vague memory.

And you are stronger from it.

I've been reading all of these posts, and I'm really impressed with your progress. Seriously, you were a shell of the man you were at the start of the thread, and now you've realised that you need to move on, and you're beginning to do that. Well done. I'm serious because realising what you have to do is the first step. Don't be hard on yourself when you have setbacks, because it happens to everyone, there is no deadline for being over her, it will take as long as it takes. But you're definitely on the right track, she won't be the end of you, she'll only be one chapter in your life, and when you think about it, a life has about 10-20 chapters, not all centred around one person. Your life is so much bigger than one person.
You'll find someone else, she's out there and she's coming for you as fast as she can.

Very interesting developments over the past week, I think my setback was due to it being springbreak, everyone else was gone and I was lonely so I started to miss her, cause as soon as I started hanging out with my friends again she jumped to the back of my mind, anyway, 2 things, first, last Saturday I went out with one of my pledge brothers and we hung out with these 2 girls, and 1 of them I met last year and we talked a lot and have been talking a lot over the past week, and she's such a sweet girl and I can tell she likes me but I don't want her to be a rebound and I honestly do not feel like being tied down right now AT ALL, she invited me to go to a date function with her tomorrow night, so I'm going with her and her friends and a few of my brothers are coming too, should be fun, however, I don't know how to handle her, I'm interested in her, but bad timing, I feel like she thinks we're already together, she likes kind of clingy, and amidst the intoxication tomorrow night I don't want to do something that willl give her the wrong idea, so what do I do? Should I just let it be, or talk to her about it?

ALSO, I was at a party last night, had a great time, she wasn't there, but I was talking to a lot of other girls, I got a text from my ex, she asked me how I was doing, didn't respond, blah gross don't care about her, her brother messages me this morning and tells me that her and her boyfriend broke up, and I know I shouldn't have let it effect me, but it honestly pissed me off more than anything, I had finally accepted that she was happy with someone, I got to the part or I have been getting to the poitn where I do not care, and this happens,when her brother told me that I was so shocked ijust stared at the screen, but yeah, she's done though, not talking to her, I'm so proud of myself for not responding to her or for not getting all excited that they broke up, I really am moving on, but I'm just worried about this new girl because I do not want to hurt her feelings, but there is the possibility of maybe id want to date her maybe sometime and the near future when I'm not so busy, I've been single a bit longer, but of course nobody wants to be left waiting...

Well before you go out with the new girl tomorrow, tell her the truth. You like her, but you are just getting over your last relationship, and you don't really want to date anyone seriously until you are completely over your ex. You want to ahng out with her, but you don't want to lear her on because you are afraid it would turn into a rebound relationship. Be straight up with her in the beginning. Try not to get completely trashed, and let it get out of hand - because then you'll have to have the conversation all over again the next day or next time you see her.

Definitely just keep doing your thing - don't think about your ex whether she has a boyfriend or not - I wouldn't go back to her - she had her chance, screwed it up to go out with someone else, now you are going to move on, and she will have to accept that you aren't waiting around for her.

Just because she seems eager doesn't mean anything. She maybe is just staking out her territory for the upcoming events. While I believe in honesty, I believe in paying attention before jumping to conclusions and staying out of bad situations, especially where alcohol, and females are freely being mixed.

You would feel foolish if a one night stand, and not a relationship was on her mind, or worse yet, just casual making out. Isn't that what young people do when they party, just hook up??

Relax guy, and have fun, stay alert, and have no worries that are not there yet.

Beats tripping off the ex, got to admit!

Hey man Ive been reading through your thread all day long, seems like it hit you really hard and sorry to hear about it. I had my ex breakup with me back in Jan and it was my first love as well. I have to admit it does suck a lot but you will see the brighter side of things soon. I was a wreck after I got dumped, thought she was the best the world had to offer blah blah blah. She isn't s**t. Im going to put you right around 20 right? Im a little older and to be honest the only person that should matter at a age like this is you. I still think about my ex everyday but I found that you just have to start hating her for what she did and for being so selfish. I know its not easy and not sure how far you are with healing but everything will workout bud. There is always somebody out there that will better the person you are with. Anyway hope you are doing well, keep up the healing!

Haven't updated in about a week and a half, but wow, I feel like a million bucks right now. The ex is no longer the biggest stresser in my life, as a matter of fact, whenever I think about her, it's like a numb sort of indifference towards her. I went back home for easter, and it was a nice day out so I took a book ("the 7 habits of highly effective people" if you haven't read it, I recommend doing it, it'll really change your outlook on things) anyway, I took a book to our 'spot' while we were dating. I can honestly say, she didn't cross my mind once while I was there, I think this past weekend, on Saturday, it was the first time I went a whole day without thinking of her once, and if I did it was subconciously.
I don't know how I've fast forwarded so quickly from about a month ago to now, I think just being around other girls, and seeing that other girls are attracted to me makes me feel a lot better, I'm still not ready to date other people, and besides that I don't think I want to, I'm having wayyyyy too much fun being single.

But when I look back at all that I went through last semester and at the beginning of this semester, I'm so happy that I went through all of it, I'm such a better person, I'm much more humble and down to earth, I try to treat everyone with as much respect as possible, and I've done things that I've always wanted to do, like learning to play the piano (still working on it). I've made sooo many more friends, and I've met a lot more girls, and now I'm starting to gauge what I'd want in my next girlfriend, however far off that is.

I'm going to keep updating, but no more setbacks, I feel that even through all of this, I still wantedd her back, or at the very least, to be as miserable as I was, now, I don't want her back, she's not good enough for me, or 'she's not my type', secondly, I want her to be happy, just like I want everyone that I ever come in contact with to be happy, and maybe in a few months, or years, we can be friends again, right now I'm focused on me and I'm looking forward to my future.

Thanks for all the support, and following my story, all of the advice that I've received has helped me go from crying boy in my bed last August, to the maturing, confident young man I'm turning into.

That's great to hear my friend! Proof that things get easier with time.

Glad you are doing well! Keep it up!

Great news!
Keep going.

Right on, buddy.

hey man, your posts are courageous. The pain does go away and all that are left are fruitless memories. Kind of on the same note... I hung out with my ex ex girlfriend last night randomly after a year and 3 months of not talking really and not really seeing each other. I was like you when we broke up, bed ridden and depressed for months!! My first love and my first everything!! We dated 3 years and I was crushed when she broke up with me... but when we hung out we went to BJs pizza and had dinner... dude there were NOOOO feelings at all!! It was rather just awkward and I wanted the night to be over because I had moved on emotionally, phsicall and mentally and to me she was just another stranger... we had nothing in common really and our lives have gone completely separate ways! I look back now and I'm SO grateful I went through that time of trial and strife! It made me such a better person for myself and my next relationship! Time does heal wounds whether you like it or not. Its amazing how when your in the moment nothing seems like it will ever compare to her again, but when time goes on... you kind of get just a feeling of disgust and uneasy feeling when you think about them. When we departed for the night, I walked her to the door... said my good byes and peaced it out of there for the last time I would ever see her!! She said we should hang out again and I said maybe ( when in all reality I will never in the light of day) when I got home she kept texting me and I didn't respond. I'm so glad I hung out with her in a way, because it let me see the truth and not see her for the all the "happy" and "good" memories of her. Not to be harsh, but to me she's literally nothing. Anyway your doing good man, each day u get stronger. Keep it up.

I've been doing pretty well, but there are some times, like right now, that I really really miss this girl lol. Haven't been in contact since like jan. but there are just times, usually when I'm alone for long periods, where I miss our relationship and wish I could go back. Ever happen to anyone else?

Yep - still happens sometimes. It's normal to miss someone - My ex and I broke up April 2009 and I still miss him on occasion - just get your mind off it and think of how much fun your life is now. There will be another... :-)

Just be glad you aren't in contact.
Believe me.

Happens to me that's for sure. It's easier to deal with if you've got a lot of other stuff going on in your life, but you know that.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, absolutely no contact for the past 7 or 8 months I don't know not counting, no fb, no email, nothing. Ive got a job and Im taking a summer class, but if I get stuck in one night and I'm by myself, my mind goes straight to her. It's frustrating to me now because, before I thought I was over, I didn't care about anything going on in her life, now I understand that I wasn't over her, I was just distracted.

Its strange because I remember thinking probably about this time last year sitting in church "i hope i dont forget about how unhappy i am now if we break up", but for some reason all I can think about was all of the good times we had and all of the things she was to me. Even still, it's been almost a year, and sometimes ill sit at work for hours at a time thinking about her, I can't let it go and I don't know what else I can do to move on, I know it takes 'time' but a year is a long time to still be skipping meals sometimes because I can't stop thinking of her.

The key for you is to recognize when you have these thought (sitting alone), and get up and actually change your focus. Instead of sitting and dwelling, have things to do, like clean your mirror, rearrange your desk at work, or polish your shoes, anything that takes the focus from random thoughts, and feelings, to actual actions to refocus your attention, in more productive ways.

It's a way of developing coping skills, that we all have to have to deal with our feelings in positive, and productive ways. I think this is more about you finding out things about yourself, and having coping strategies that work for you. I doubt that its about her any more, or the healing process, but taking what you have learned about you, and putting it to work for yourself.

Didn't think it could be so complicated did you? Its not after some practice.

I LOVE threads like that, and yes, I've read all 24 pages because it is a story of yet another triumph. Sadnlost (what's up with this name, lose it already!), you have a slight setback and I'm sure you will handle it properly just as you had in a past. But I have a question for you - after so much time apart and pretty much healed, why are you still not dating? Are you sure you don't harbor any hope for you to be back together with her? I know you don't want to - otherwise you'd jump on opportunity to restart the contact when she broke up with her boyfriend - but what's keeping you from completely moving on?

Oh and on a side note - don't you love how they feel so entitled to waltz in and out of our lives - the second she broke up with her new boytoy, she tried to restart things with you - until another boytoy will come along and she'd beak your heart over again. I doubt her brother was contacting you - after you ignored her, she texted you from his phone out of desperation.
So selfish.

Stay strong. You're the winner!

Really you aren't alone in the fact that she pops into your mind still. I wore a shirt my ex gave me today to a phillies game and he popped into my head - its so easy to think about the good things. No one likes to remember the bad times. Its OK to think once in a while, but like the others said - change your focus and start dating.

There are a lot of wonderful people in this world once you go out and meet them.

Time is on your side, Don't forget that.

You are doing great.

But, like Tal said, healing also requires some work on your part. That means making sure that your thoughts are directed in positive ways. To do as much as you can to be aware and enjoy the moments you have w/o her.

After 7 months of NC & digging into who I am, I, at times still felt crappy & frustrated. But, you have to understand that you are in control of your thoughts and how you decide to act. Dwelling is useless. Don't make it a habit. Use those thoughts to better understand yourself & how to evolve.

Its been over a year for me & today I heard some things inadvertently about my ex that got me sentimental & aggravated, but those things are just passing thoughts & I use them only to help me move on.

When I have those thoughts, they really aren't good ones, and she still pops into my dreams, not so good there either. But, it certainly doesn't crush anymore. Its just residual. I still use them to understand my path. I say bring 'em on now. I can take it.

All I know know is that I am better w/o her. No matter what happens tomorrow.

This is all emotional homework. Don't forget to enjoy your life during this.

I still have these feelings, almost daily and it's been 9 months for me. I will say that I have learned to focus on other things immediately after having such thoughts and yes, like you, these thoughts always seem to pop up when I'm alone or its quiet. If you are like me and you truly loved her, you will always have these thoughts but you have to learn to control them. Its natural, you aren't alone just remember that and just know that everything happens for a reason.

Try to focus on the prospect of someone new.

Yeah, thanks everyone I def. agree that I should at least start being open to being with someone else. I just really really need to get my confidence back cause its been absolutely shot, I know I've got a lot of things going for me, but for some reason, knowing these things, and having people tell me these things doesn't translate into self confidence.

I'm sure it will come though
But thanks a lot your comments everyone

Work slowly and thoughtfully on building a life that you enjoy, with new friends and activities, will over time have your confidence soaring.

Just requires some work on your part is all.

Well, it was bound to happen sometime, I saw the ex at the gym. She went out of her way to not walk past me though. I don't know why but it really really upset me. Kind of ruined my weekend. :-/

Seriously, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest anytime I mistake the car in front of me or just on the same road as me to be my ex's. Uncontrollable breathing, shaky hands... even at times when I feel like I'm just so over all-of-it. I don't even know what would happen if I actually bumped into her. I imagine I'd just keel over and spaz out on the floor until the paramedics arrive ;)

I wouldn't worry about having something like that upset you. It's probably pretty normal to see feelings/emotions surface in a situation like that. Hey, imagine what you'd have felt like 5 months ago if this were to have happened then. I'm sure you're handling it better now than you would have then. So, just keep getting better man. One day that pot won't be hot enough to boil over so easily.

I know how you are feeling. You just have to keep holding on. You really must stay very busy. It is the only thing that saved me. I get a bit down here and there thinking about my ex but it so rarely happens now. It's amazing. I also met a new girl today. So, it reminded me of AMHD. I would be here a lot more but I am sooo busy and for some reason they changed this site a bit and now I can't go on my phone anymore. I always remember the ones who helped me here though. I don't think I would have done this good so fast. It's 11 months now and I am super fine being single. Although I am ready for a relationship now. I miss you all. Talk to you soon. Go out as much as you can and do new things... There is power in that for some reason!

3 am here, just woke up, pretty distressed, still having terrible thoughts of the ex, I don't know why it takes your heart and your mind so long to sync up, I've known that we can't be together probably for about 10 months, yet deep, deep down my heart won't let me.
I was talking to a girl on Monday and she was telling me something I've never heard before, she told me that I have a pretty repulsive attitude towards other girls, which is why it seems nothing has taken off past friendship. I don't know if this is a product of me subconciously still loving the ex.

When I saw her the other day, I can't describe every emotionthat I had, I wanted to go up to her and hug her behind and kiss her like I did the last time I saw her, I don't know, it seemed surreal.

I feel a little bitter as well. I found out inadvertently that she and her boyfriend got back together soon after they broke up, and now they're on vaca. Together. And the reason why I feel bitter is because, she did everything that people would say not to do, I did the reverse. She's perfectly happy, I'm pretty damn miserable too. Yeah I mean I've grown as a person, but what good does that do me if I'm unhappy.

I was married twice. I was 17 the first time and had no idea what the hell I was doing or what love really was. Lasted 3 years that seemed like 30.

The second time (with 5 years between) I hit the jackpot.
We got along and agreed on almost everything. And could talk out what we didn't agree on.
She was a wonderful mother to our 2 kids and the object of my admiration and love.
Starting in the 11th year of our relationship the pieces began to fall away. We divorced close to the 12 yr mark.

The following YEARSi spent surviving day to day.

It is now over 20 years and on occasion my heart will ache and I still long for that feeling we once shared.

I have many female friends that are close and we share a bond. But none will ever go past that point.

And for me , it is bliss.

When a relationship ends. It takes time to heal, move on and decide your future.

If I can do it anybody can.