yes, i have to admit rebecca,that perhaps taking time out to heal and gather yourself is good start.

i think everyone who views your thread would have concerns for your safety regarding your ex.

i crave time on my own,and need it to be mentally strong and also to reflect.

although in saying that,since i found AMHD,ive become totally addicted! and free time is sitting at the computer.

in saying that,i have a hunger for knowledge and always learn something from other posters,its quite amazing how this site and the people here get under your skin.

redhed35,
I agree with you all you said. Craving is necessary to reflect what I learned into me, and it makes me a better person. See, that’s how you become so wonderful woman.

I happily agree that this site is truly amazing, and I cannot believe my luck I could meet these wonderful & wise people here anytime!! It implies you are one of the amazing people in my list too. When I posted my divesting story, you gave me the straight answer almost instantaneously. That changed the whole direction, and my confusion was gone already. You do not even know how much I appreciate you.

So, this site alone, I already got rewarded from my breakup. If I did not suffer the incident, I would not find this treasure land. I also admit it is addictive!! Ha Ha. However, it is good addiction, we learn about ourselves & the real life story nobody even talk about it in public anywhere in this earth. I also learned we actually can help people who really seek “the help” in confusion & crisis. My only regret is I should find it long time ago. I need to tell you, you are doing the great job to help people as you assume. Please keep enjoying your addiction, and help others please.

Regarding to safety, I appreciate everyone concerns me more than my friends. It feels so nice to know that there are so many nice people out there, help each other, and care about each other truly. It makes me more positive about this world. Should I worry about my safety though? He was cheater, but not attacker. I do not feel physically threatened. He has no mental illness history, highly educated successful man. What do you think?

I think that even the most stable educated person can lose there grip on reality, when confusion,fear and a feeling of 'why is she/he doing this to me?'and a feeling of 'what did I do to deserve this'? Permeates their conscious all sense of right and wrong goes out the window..

I'm not above admitting that I have in the past succummed to anger and lashed out...

From what your posting on his behaviour, to me,it sounds like he is gearing up,not letting go..

Although,I say this coming from my own experience,each breakup creates its own ripple effect.

All I'm saying rebecca is,be aware,and alert.

Rebecca, if the phone call was from him, it may be that this past week has been the lull before the storm starts back up again. Please be careful and keep your eyes open.

There is absolutely no weakness in admitting that you need advice and help. Everything needs a good support system and foundation. Think about any of the 'strongest' structures on Earth and how much support they need to be stay strong.

I do still think you need to be honest with your father at the very least. You need someone you trust who can deal with anything that happens as quickly as possilbe to be aware of everything that is going on. I know you want to be a mature adult and handle your own problems. This is a part of being that adult.

Now, that I have given my lecture can I offer everyone a big hug?

Rebecca, if the phone call was from him, it may be that this past week has been the lull before the storm starts back up again. Please be careful and keep your eyes open.

There is absolutely no weakness in admitting that you need advice and help. Everything needs a good support system and foundation. Think about any of the 'strongest' structures on Earth and how much support they need to be stay strong.

I do still think you need to be honest with your father at the very least. You need someone you trust who can deal with anything that happens as quickly as possilbe to be aware of everything that is going on. I know you want to be a mature adult and handle your own problems. This is a part of being that adult.

Now, that I have given my lecture can I offer everyone a big hug?

Yes, Cat1864,
I will consider your advice. And we ALL need yor BIG HUG 100 times.:) HUG...

Can I get some action on those hugs too :D?

Rebecca, what you are doing is great, really great. This site is actually really helpful. Get the help you need, then help some more people. Don't think you're alone we're all here thinking for your own good.

Rebecca,
This has been a great exchange, but I want to add to others who are urging you to tell real people in your life what is going on and to take safety precautions. It's not that we aren't real, but that because this is anonymous we can't help you in real time if your ex does something.

None of us can know for sure if he is capable of violence. But there are things you've said that make some of us think it's a possibility. What determines whether a man will be violent against a woman, is not education or mental illness. This is WELL researched. Educated men are just as likely to do this. Think of Just Looking if you want a recent example. My own ex, who broke my arm, was a tenured university professor. The rate of mental illness is not higher among abusive men than among non abusive men. (Mental illness may result in worse violence, but not in whether it happens.)

One important predictor of violence is Entitlement, the sense a person has that they are better than other people and deserve things. Many men are raised to think that women are meant to do for them to be there for them when they want them. Your ex has shown a HIGH degree of Entitlement. Think of this idea he had that he could just put you on hold while he sowed his wild oats. How much more entitled can you get than that? I'll tell you: thinking you can do that and SAY IT to you. He felt entitled to cheat and entitled to defend his cheating when you confronted him. In his view, you are a possession. I suspect he was really surprised when you stood up for yourself because you are probably mostly really nice. Being dumped didn't feel nice to him.

His self image may be that he's a nice guy, but in his mind, your refusal to do what you are supposed to do, go back and behave, is "forcing" him to not be nice. When violent men are interviewed later, they always insist that they were forced to be violent by the woman's actions. They say things like, "She wouldn't get in the car; she was acting crazy, so I had to hit her." They actually feel it's their JOB to control the women in their lives.

Please, please confide in your family and closest friends that he was unfaithful (and it doesn't matter exactly how far that went) and that he has been stalking you. You don't need to share all the details. It is not a reflection on you that he is behaving this way. Please do not let pride put you in jeopardy.

Please, please take safety precautions.
Asking

One important predictor of violence is Entitlement, the sense a person has that they are better than other people and deserve things. Many men are raised to think that women are meant to do for them to be there for them when they want them. Your ex has shown a HIGH degree of Entitlement. Think of this idea he had that he could just put you on hold while he sowed his wild oats. How much more entitled can you get than that? I'll tell you: thinking you can do that and SAY IT to you. He felt entitled to cheat and entitled to defend his cheating when you confronted him. In his view, you are a possession. I suspect he was really surprised when you stood up for yourself because you are probably mostly really nice. Being dumped didn't feel nice to him.


Dear asking,
Asking,
I follow you, you are well said from your valuable experience as usual, and I agree with you. Thank you for taking your time, think about my situation in detail, and giving me warm note & precious advice. You are so considerate and caring.
Yes, I will be very very cautious!

I agree he had high degree of entitlement. He is well aware of that he is a man with a desirable package (only surface though), and he can get attention from any girls. He thinks he is better than others, and since he chose me, I have to appreciate to be his choice and stick with him. For him, he did not feel like he has to loose the entitlement even he still wants to play around. I knew he set him as the first degree citizen, and tried to make me as second degree citizen who has less freedom & choice, and have to take whatever the fist class citizen give. This setting will only work if the second degree citizen accepts it. I am not the second degree citizen at all. Far from it. Every single woman is equally good enough to be the first class citizen. I do not need my master to obey. I am only laughing at his false hope which is way off from norm. I realized it well on the day I found out his cheating.

On the day of break, I only said a single word. “L.E.AV.E!”
That was it. I offered no further discussion, no chances for him to continue lay out his excuses. I even washed my lips and hands with soaps in front of him to humiliate him. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I did it intentionally to kill his ego. It was clear message that I just downgraded him as a dirty pig which I do not even want to touch anymore. I was in fierce, and did not want to degrade my soul to be involved in such a low level of relationship or argument. Please be aware of that it was not come from arrogance, but justice. I came on this board as lost feeling, but got 100% support, and I was very happy & encouraged about the action I made prior to join board.

I do not feel like I am dumper though. If he thinks that way, it is a huge mistake, and he is pointing his finger to me not to him. It is nonsense. Even though I technically dumped him, he was the one has cheated on me, so it meant he has dumped me for months behind of my back in fact. He has no right to be angry, and no mouth to speak. If he ever gets angry, even though he was not good enough to do it anyway, that is because I did not give him a chance to apologize, and I did not listen what he wanted to say afterwards. My life is precious, and I do not want to spare any more moments to listen to the BS.

I thought I was confused upon the unimaginable treatment, but indeed I am not the one really confused. He is. He lived in his illusion. Maybe still he does. He understood my grace as weakness, gentle nature as low self-esteem, sweet nature as a sign of no-resistance.

As you pointed out, I am aware of that he could be violent if he wants to be when he gets angry. He picked up a fight when a guy stared me at a club one night. However, he constantly has displayed that he deeply despises men abuser who physically hurt women in his many legal trials, and I have to think physical enforcement will not likely happen between us.

But I am getting smarter. Talking is easy, and everybody has limits, while he/she likes to say only something nice. He never told me he would cheat on me either, and I need to be aware of the possibility to protect myself. I honestly am foreseeing he will try to see me in person at least one more time before he makes complete drawback. He might be resentful or frustrated by now. He might even simply try to hurt me as revenge (even though he has no right for revenge after he has done the cheating) since he cannot have me anymore, and I will likely end up with a lucky man in future. I will do my best to protect me for any worst scenario. I hinted my break up to my parents. My father is wise man, and he knows how and he does everything to protect me. I am safe.

I am learning a lot in these days more than I could imagine. Obviously there were too many things I did no know before. Thank you again.
See, how nice my weekend goes without him...
:)

Can I get some action on those hugs too :D?

Rebecca, what you are doing is great, really great. This site is actually really helpful. Get the help you need, then help some more people. Don't think you're alone we're all here thinking for your own good.

Cat1864,
Paxe needs a BIG HUG too for 100 times! :)

Okay, BIG HUGS for everyone. :D

Rebecca, don't try to fool yourself. You are a strong person. You may not feel like it all the time, but you are.

I am very glad you have a family that even if they don't know the full story are there to give you support.

I want one! :D


Rebecca, I am always hesitant to post on your thread, but I just want to say your attitude about this is admirable. You did nothing wrong and you can be proud of the way you are reacting to this. The sorrow you feel is totally appropriate – it's the loss of a dream. I think you have learned a lot from this experience, and it will make you a stronger person who knows better what she wants in a relationship and in life. It will take time to completely come to terms with what has happened. Don't feel weak because of this – it further shows what a thoughtful and caring person you are. I know how it feels to be more comfortable at home for the moment, but I hope you think about getting out in the fresh air and enjoying the great outdoors. Even taking a walk (with a friend or at your parents house, perhaps) can bring you a lot of peace of mind and help you sleep better at night. Take care.

Rebecca, I am always hesitant to post on your thread, but I just want to say your attitude about this is admirable. You did nothing wrong and you can be proud of the way you are reacting to this. The sorrow you feel is totally appropriate – it's the loss of a dream. I think you have learned a lot from this experience, and it will make you a stronger person who knows better what she wants in a relationship and in life. It will take time to completely come to terms with what has happened. Don't feel weak because of this – it further shows what a thoughtful and caring person you are. I know how it feels to be more comfortable at home for the moment, but I hope you think about getting out in the fresh air and enjoying the great outdoors. Even taking a walk can bring you a lot of peace of mind and help you sleep better at night. Take care.

Just Looking,
How is your healing process going? I hope everything is well with you. Thanks for giving me such a kind words, while you are still having bruises from your incident. I hope as your burses goes away, your heart heals completely, and be happy again. You are one of my favorites on this board, I know you are such a special & sweet person, I admire you & your words. Please feel free to give advice, as I always love your post. Why would you be hesitant? I love your photo. You look really nice in the photo…

You exactly know what I am going through. It touches me how you accurately know my feeling. The sorrow I feel is totally appropriate – it's the loss of a dream. I had the belief that I was with the right man whom I want be with for life long. I stared at him with love & respect, I treated him with affection, I gave all my passion, and I was simply proud of being with him. I thought I had it all in my hand what I wanted from a man. As the man turned out to be a cheap cheater, my dream broke into many pieces. The saddest part is, it is not repairable!! It seems the breakup was inevitable since the beautiful dream was already broken already when he cheated on me. I just did not know it. To me, knowing that fact was the hardest step, and it made me really sick and helpless.

I am fighting against the empty feeling with my bear heart. It seems there is no way I can speed up the healing process. It is all right. I do not mind to be lonely. I rather to be lonely by myself . I read my own post on this board, I found I worried about the ring just after I broke up. I do not care about the ring anymore. The dream is broken, and why is the ring matter? I guess I was very obsessed with the idea of marriage and nostalgic... It is all broken.

Thanks for care about me and giving me your kind word. I agree I should not dwell in my cave too long. I do not want to be a cave woman in a Geico commercial. :D

I hoped I could take a get away trip with my dear friend, but I changed my mind. She is busy professional, and she has fiancé now, I better not to interrupt her sweet engagement period. I just booked a trip for myself. I am going to Bermuda for a week before end of year.

Just Looking,
Do you know there is a "must see" for every visitor to Bahama Island, and it is the Perfume Factory? The factory is located in an elegant old Bahamian mansion, they grow beautiful plants in their back yard, and make perfumes in the place. I hope you can see the picture below. I will mix my own special fragrance, bottle it and name it. It will be lovely, and I like to smell good. It will be nice to do some sightseeing & get some sun too.

I will not go anywhere, deal with it without denial. I decided to be getting better in my own way. Thanks everyone. You are owesome. I feel lucky to have you!

Love & Respect,
Rebecca

I'm doing better daily. I've been in counseling for 3 weeks now. When I first got out of the hospital I could only walk a half mile every other day. I am now walking 2 miles a day. I bought a new car on Thursday to replace the one that was wrecked that night, so I feel more independent again. On Thursday, I also went out for dinner for the first time in over 3 weeks. That's not to say I sat at home alone during those 3 weeks – I had many visits from friends, but I just didn't feel comfortable being seen by strangers. On Saturday I am attending a black-tie dinner/dance. I still have bruising and I have scars, but I bought a beautiful new dress that covers the scars and most of the bruises, and visited a makeup counter where they showed me how to cover the bruises on my face. Now I'm looking forward to a night out, dinner and dancing.

Like you, after my breakup I also planned a vacation. I am still going, leaving in 12 days for 2 weeks in Hawaii where I will be visiting an old college friend who lives there. Following that, I'll be in Los Angeles for a week, including Thanksgiving, visiting family and friends. When I return home, I will have a doctor's visit and expect to be cleared to go back to work. If so, I'll either go back December 1 or 7. Mainly, I am getting on with my life. Your trip sounds great. I hope you enjoy it.

I had those same feelings as you, but as someone pointed out to me I am lucky I found out the true man before we were married and had children. Chances are that you and I were both going to go through what we did eventually, so it's better it has happened now. I think we are both going to find the lives we want. We have both learned so much.

My friends, including those on this site, have been a huge help providing me with advice, hope, laughter, and direction. I know that you have benefitted as well. Continue using this resource, as needed. I know the people here benefit also by knowing they are helping and by seeing your progress. I couldn't have done it without them, at least not in as healthy a way as I am. Don't be afraid to cry or be sad, but also have times of happiness and hope. I know you are doing this, but continue to think positively and think about what you really want in life. I feel confident that I am emerging as a better person.

I had those same feelings as you, but as someone pointed out to me I am lucky I found out the true man before we were married and had children. Chances are that you and I were both going to go thru what we did eventually, so it’s better it has happened now. I think we are both going to find the lives we want. We have both learned so much.

My friends, including those on this site, have been a huge help providing me with advice, hope, laughter, and direction. I know that you have benefited as well. Continue using this resource, as needed. I know the people here benefit also by knowing they are helping and by seeing your progress. I couldn’t have done it without them, at least not in as healthy a way as I am. Don’t be afraid to cry or be sad, but also have times of happiness and hope. I know you are doing this, but continue to think positively and think about what you really want in life. I feel confident that I am emerging as a better person.

Just Looking,
It is nice to hear from you, and I am glad you made such a good progress in healing. Counseling, new car, vacation to Hawaii & L.A. and black-tie dinner/dance…all sound great and very promising. I am confident you are getting on with your life in the happiest way from now on.

Your breakup was inevitable as like mine. I am so glad you are free from the worst abusive relationship before it is getting worse. As you say, I have to think Gad saved us from the further disaster & waste of life before it is too late. Let’s live with the way what it is supposed to be. Nobody should be a victim of bad relationship even for a moment, suffer from it for any reason. I have read so many posts here on board as you suggested, and found out so many cases with the same patterns, which is innocent people are suffering and wasting their lives because of their abusive partners in bad relationships. I am just angry about the unfair fact. It really opens my eyes, and enforce myself realization. I almost think I want to do something to save those people. I guess that’s why you are giving lectures to college kids. To have a place to vent by itself is a big benefit, and I am getting better everyday by pouring myself here and get emotional support from nice people. I feel like I am reshaping myself. I am confident about my choice, and I know what to choose for my happiness.

I am glad you stand tall. I cannot wait o see your complete healing. Your next chapter will be full of “pure joy & happiness”. I will follow your path. I am just behind of you.

Love & Respect,
Rebecca

Hi everyone,
As you guys recommended, I decided to take myself out today.
I put skinny jeans, high heel boots, blue tank top & leather jacket with huge dangling earrings. I wear pony tails for change. I feel already healed a lot, when I see myself look good in mirror. It is my first day out as purely single after the breakup 4 weeks ago.
I am going to have a good time. Wish me a good luck!

You luck amazing rebecca... have fun.. in your posts you sound a lot better...

Just be careful!

Lots and lots of luck.

Oh my god! I'm crasy over pony tail, high heel boots and skinny jeans. *sigh* what I would give to see you, you must look gorgeous.

Take care of yourself.

I hope you have a lot of fun. :)

Hi everyone,
As you guys recommended, I decided to take myself out today.
I put skinny jeans, high heel boots, blue tank top & leather jacket with huge dangling earrings. I wear pony tails for change. I feel already healed a lot, when I see myself look good in mirror. It is my first day out as purely single after the breakup 4 weeks ago.
I am going to have a good time. Wish me a good luck!

Have fun! I may have to follow your lead this time. :D

I thought I was confused upon the unimaginable treatment, but indeed I am not the one really confused. He is. He lived in his illusion. Maybe still he does. He understood my grace as weakness, gentle nature as low self-esteem, sweet nature as a sign of no-resistance.

This is exactly right. I love the way you put this.


... I am aware of that he could be violent if he wants to be when he gets angry. He picked up a fight when a guy stared me at a club one night. However, he constantly has displayed that he deeply despises men abuser who physically hurt women in his many legal trials, and I have to think physical enforcement will not likely happen between us.

Unfortunately, men who are violent to women often speak disparagingly of other men's violence against women. Other men are "pigs," etc, but their own behavior they excuse on various pretexts. So don't go by his attitudes towards other men's behavior.

On the other hand, I would trust your gut feeling. According to one study, where they were looking for ways to predict violence against women, the single best predictor of male violence was the woman's gut feeling, or level of fear. If she was afraid of him, she usually turned out to have a reason to be. None of the "objective" measures predicted as well as that.

I'm glad you are being careful. I know I am nagging. Sorry. :)

Good Progress

Hi everyone, I had a long busy day yesterday I need to update you.

When I left my building in the morning, Dexter saw my good mood, gave me a big smile & a thumb up. I like Dexter. He cares about people.

In front of the parking lot, I ran over a neighbor, who was walking his dog, a beautiful Alaskan Husky. I had a small chat with him, and I found out he was a surgeon (resident) of a near by hospital. I could not miss his occupation, since he was wearing green scrub. I asked if there was any volunteer work in the hospital, and he promised to find it out for me. So, here we go. Opportunity opens up by itself.

I attended church. I missed church for long time, since I was dating my ex. It felt good to see the familiar faces. I am going back to the routine before I met my ex.

I went to a shopping mall, had my nail done, and did some shopping. It was also nice I accidentally met my high school friend in the mall, and we had eaten together at the food court. I hate to eat alone as anybody else. She was airy and chatty, gave me useful real estate information. (She is in real estate business.) She told me that it is trend for young professional females to buy condominiums by themselves while they are single. Hmmm… interesting. Should I consider?

I bought a nice bedding set at the mall. I am going to re decorate my apartment to make myself busy & have fun. I love decorating. I am going to treat myself well, and sleep in a beautiful bed.

I stopped by my parents’ house. I found out my ex has contacted my parents for the past weeks, confessed his sin, and asked them to help him to reconcile with me. Of course, my ex downsized the issue. My parents told me that they respect my decision, and will support whatever decision I make. My father still plays golf with my ex’s father. They are aware of our issue, but let us sort it out, and sort of monitoring us in distance.

My mother seems do not understand the depth of issue very well. She told me my ex did very wrong doing, he called many times to ask help, and my mother told me she scolded & blamed him whenever he called (?! ) My mother told me that my ex seemed desperate & deeply regretful, should learn the lesson, and will behave from now on. Huh?? She apparently moved by my ex’s desperate crying over the phone. She also updated me that my ex is taking depression medication. Hmmm... looser... She thinks it is not impossible to reconcile since my ex claimed he did not really cheat on me (means sleep with other girls). Huh?? I am lost. She is not in online dating generation, and completely out of touch… I love my mother, but it is hard to convince her right now…She needs to visit this site. It dampened my spirit.

I got home by 11 pm. I got the note from my ex from doorman. The note says, “I came to pick you up to go to the Dave’s party (as we planned long time ago). I understand you need fresh air. Hope you have a good day, and come home safely. Don’t be too late. I miss you & love you. Everybody will miss you in the party. XOXOXO” Huh?? Is he in amnesia? Did he forget our breakup? If he was so caring, why did he cheat on me? BS! I do not register a single word he says. I had a couple of voice mails from my ex regarding to the party. Whatever... I do not care anymore…

The good news is I forgot about the Dave’s warming up party completely! I am glad. It used be a big deal, but now I even do not remember. I must make a good progress.

I had a good sleep like a baby last night.
Thank you for cheering me up to go out, everyone.
I feel much better, and feel energized. :)

That's great news, I am happy for you. Don't worry about your Mom though, she will support your decisions as in the future the subject will come up again, and you can reinforce what you feel so strongly about, but really glad about you seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am glad you had a good day. :)

Redecorating is always a good way to keep yourself busy.

It sounds like he is still in denial, though.

It seems it's the day of good news lol! Keep it up Rebecca. Don't worry about your mom, she doesn't understand.

I'm laughing because that is so bizarre! I am glad you sound happy. :)

I broke up with someone recently and completely rearranged my bedroom.

I'm laughing because that is so bizarre! I am glad you sound happy. :)

I broke up with someone recently and completely rearranged my bedroom.

It must be a woman thing. I redecorated my bedroom, also. :)

Thats great news, I am happy for you. Don't worry about your Mom though, she will support your decisions as in the future the subject will come up again, and you can reinforce what you feel so strongly about, but really glad about you seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

talaniman,
Am I really seeing the light at the end of tunnel?
Ha, I feel great. Thanks for your assurance and support. It makes me so hopeful. If our life is like a movie, I should feel better from here everyday straight up, but I am not perfect, must go through ups and downs, mood swings in my healing progress.
One thing I know is I will deal with it in my best way.

You are very wise, and have terrific insight. How do you know everything about relationship very well? Have anyone cheated on you too? Can you please let me know. I really like to know.

Love & respect,
Rebecca

I am glad you had a good day. :)

Redecorating is always a good way to keep yourself busy.

It sounds like he is still in denial, though.

Yes, he is in denial. He is erotically retarded! He does not see the truth, or true value, jeopardized his gem to cheap stuff. Now he even does not know how to deal with it, depending in depression medication, and still in denial.

Where did the confident man who made me thrilled go??

Talaniman,
Your signature says, “Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.”
It is really true. When we give power to someone else to control our lives, we become completely helpless, dependent on the someone’s approval, losing dignity and self control to keep the someone.

At the very moment we give up our OWNERSHIP for the relationship , our tragedy starts…

It must be a woman thing. I redecorated my bedroom, also. :)

I love to be a woman, and I am glad I was born as woman. I love all the beautiful things, woman things, decoratings, and the power in gorgeous dress and makeup!

How lucky we are to be women! I will not trade my gender for anything.

I'm laughing because that is so bizarre! I am glad you sound happy. :)

I broke up with someone recently and completely rearranged my bedroom.

Asking,
I have a strong feeling that you know me as much as I do, and our mind works in the similar way.

So, please. What is your story? Can you share it with us?

Love & Respect,
Rebecca

It seems it's the day of good news lol! Keep it up Rebecca. Dont worry about your mom, she doesn't understand.

Yes, you are right. I like to keep it up. I am crying your loss anymore. It is another good new.
You guys understand me more than my mom. Perhaps because I shared my inner thoughts with you guys, not with my mom? My mom is wonderful lady inside and out. She spends a lot time to help community, and of course has great reputation. She is sweet, caring, and giving person. She only missed this part though.

So, how is your volunteer work going? How is your healing? Are you completely healed?

Of course there are ups and downs in healing, the trick is to give yourself ways to lessen the impact of the low moments. Redecorating, volunteering, shopping, a long relaxing bath, anything that helps boost your spirits. The down moments will pass and they won't come so often after awhile. Be patient with yourself.

Of course there are ups and downs in healing, the trick is to give yourself ways to lessen the impact of the low moments. Redecorating, volunteering, shopping, a long relaxing bath, anything that helps boost your spirits. The down moments will pass and they won't come so often after awhile. Be patient with yourself.

Cat1864,
It is wonderful advice I can get only here.
I like your every word. Nobody wants breakup pain. I like to avoid it as much as possible, but there is any speedy way to pass the breakup period without pain.

I love this, "the trick is to give yourself ways to lessen the impact of the low moments". I will stick with it. Thanks again.

Women's re-decorating post break-up:

I thought about my impulsive purchase of new bedding set and re-decorating plan.
It seems it is beyond simple women thing to make us busy, but actually strong subconscious reshaping is going on us after break up.
1. by re-do, we are getting rid of the old time evidence with 'the ex'
2. by getting rid of the old time evidence, we are unconsciously making our break up as permanent. The old memory stays with the old environment which now it is not reversible.
3. by re-do, we set us up in the new setting which we can comfortably open a new chapter

So, all that means we are preparing for ourselves for next relationship and enforcing the healing process by doing this.
Ha! It is very good for healing.
I wonder what men do after break up to reshape the life.

I like the way your mind is working. :)

Positive thinking is the way to go.

I have gone as far as changing my hair colour and shopping till I dropped...

At least its better then crying into a tea towel,not washing,listening to sad songs, and eating my body weight in choclate...

Your way is better!

You doing really good,keep positive,you'll get there.

Hey Rebecca,
It's very healthy to redecorate your room or to change something in your house after a break up. I'm all for anything that is constructive. If you want to do what I did, I just listened to the stickies lol, gym, friends, family and enjoying myself and after 2 weeks I was getting much better... until she called back.

My volunteering is time-consuming, but I feel so much better with that. See if you can join one too if you have some free time.

i have gone as far as changing my hair colour and shopping till i dropped...

at least its better then crying into a tea towel,not washing,listening to sad songs, and eating my body weight in choclate...

your way is better!

you doing really good,keep positive,you'll get there.

I have not thought about changing hair color, but sounds really fun. The 'tea towel' sounds really funny.
I started to order too many stuff for re-do my apartment, and it really makes me feel good. It will cost me money though. Who said that everything has price?

I am going to have the best & happiest life without my ex ALONE in my beautiful place~!

Hey Rebecca,
It's very healthy to redecorate your room or to change something in your house after a break up. I'm all for anything that is constructive. If you want to do what I did, I just listened to the stickies lol, gym, friends, family and enjoying myself and after 2 weeks I was getting much better... until she called back.

My volunteering is time-consuming, but I feel so much better with that. See if you can join one too if you have some free time.

So, how did your ex approach to you? How did you feel and respond?

For me, I started not to care about what my ex doing, and am talking to myself "whatever..." when my ex mumbles something really means nothing to me now.
I do not even think I want to bother to change my phone number. It really means nothing to me now.

I have not thought about changing hair color, but sounds really fun. The 'tea towel' sounds really funny.
I started to order too many stuff for re-do my apartment, and it really makes me feel good. It will cost me money though. Who said that everything has price?

I am going to have the best & happiest life without my ex ALONE in my beautiful place~!

Hah, I've gone everywhere from blonde to brunette, but I always come back to red - it suits me. :D I'm hitting the salon on Friday - hair, manicure, pedicure. I bet that will be next on your list - a little pampering.

Hah, I've gone everywhere from blonde to brunette, but I always come back to red - it suits me. :D I'm hitting the salon on Friday - hair, manicure, pedicure. I bet that will be next on your list - a little pampering.

Yes, that is in my list too. Oh, boy. I love to be a woman. What about collecting brand name handbags? It is in my list too.

Yes, that is in my list too. Oh, boy. I love to be a woman. What about collecting brand name handbags? It is in my list too.

I bought my favorite one in Italy... put that on your list. :D

I bought my favorite one in Italy ... put that on your list. :D

Thanks, I will keep it in my mind.

I think I am all set to be a beautiful & happy woman again.
Do you know my ex did not support my handbag collection hobby?
I did not know until now, but I am more realizing everyday he even controlled my hobby, and ruined my little happiness & fun as woman.
Now I know what to do, and follow my own check list. Ha!
Life is getting better and better.

Thank you for supporting!

Hello. You probably don't remember me posting when you first came here with this question but I was just checking in on you and seeing how you are?

Hello. You probably don't remember me posting when you first came here with this question but I was just checking in on you and seeing how you are?


WOW! What a perfect timing! You just re-visited me at the very moment I realized how stupid I was!

Did you say I would not remember you? Can I politely ask you, are you kidding me, Adam? When I join here on September 27, exactly a month ago, while I was crying morning to night without eating, you told me the below.



Wow, it doesn't matter what you are thinking right now, just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullish. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again. He can't treat you like a piece of candy and try out the different flavors and see which one he likes the most.

When you called my ex immediately 'piece of crap', I felt relived, but somehow honestly I thought you were little harsh. Back in my mind, I wanted to reconcile & wanted to be with my ex if he could be clan up to match with my expectation somehow. Oh, well.

Now, after a month of Painful debating & intensive self realization, I just realized that it was not worth to ruin my life for THE MAN really! I was in illusion with wrong person!

I made him to be gone for good as ex now.
I cleaned up my past.
Now, at this moment, I just started to wonder why I was so miserable for the man. It was not necessary, nor worth it really.
He was cheating, immature, self-centered, weak, and would not make me happy because he was not good enough for me. I really have to think I was saved by finding out his real doing. I just did not see it before!
I have to admit I must be blinded.

You won. I happily admit it. You were right, and you were way ahead of me. I can be happier without him, and I am already happier than before. I do not need him, should not have him, and he did not deserve me.
I do not have to torture myself by dwelling in pain morning to tonight anymore.
I know my life will be getting better and better from now on.
Thanks for your support.
I really THANK YOU, Adam & All.

Rebecca

FYI Rebecca I have followed your story and I am glad you seem to be doing much better! Hope you continue finding the happiness you deserve. :)

Good Rebecca. I am so happy and relieved to see that you are happy and you have bettered yourself. Things like this do take time and it did but it was worth it in the end wasn't it. We all want the things we used to have and try and believe it can happen but we have to face the truth and you did it and I am very happy for you. You are a perfect example for a lot of people and you should help out around here if you haven't already. You would do great. Just live life to the fullest right now and have fun. You deserve it!

You know all relationships are learning experiences but don't you agree its so liberating when we wake up to the fact that we ll never have to bother about them and their little lives again?:-)
Good luck my dear!

Good Rebecca. I am so happy and relieved to see that you are happy and you have bettered yourself. Things like this do take time and it did but it was worth it in the end wasn't it. We all want the things we used to have and try and believe it can happen but we have to face the truth and you did it and I am very happy for you. You are a perfect example for a lot of people and you should help out around here if you haven't already. You would do great. Just live life to the fullest right now and have fun. You deserve it!

Adam,
You make me emotional, and make my eyes wet. You sound like you are congratulating me at the post breakup healing class completion ceremony. Did I accomplish something then? Yes, I went through the dark tunnel, and start to see the light. It was only a month long, but I feel like it has been a year long, and it seems I grow up a lot.

You guys are all wonderful, this site is greatly helpful, it seems all we went through the same painful path no matter what kind relationship, partners or background we had. What I am amazed about is every piece of advice is not empty comforting words, but actually came from you guy's vivid life experience. Moreover, everyone is willing to pass their hard learned lessons to others unconditionally. All of you guys are perfect example of Samaritans who help people are going through lonely & painful journey.

I am so thankful I have lived by all the support for every sleepless night and painful moment. It is really valuable experience to feel the beautiful souls in tough time.

I read so many posts here, learned a lot, and am convinced I must saved my time by not repeating the wrong relationship with the wrong person. If I was still confused, I might take him back, and start another round of heart wrenching relationship, or get married to suffer more for life time. I am so glad I borrowed you guy's wisdom. As you advised, I would not see him again or marry him no matter how hard he try.

Regarding to helping others though. I love to, but I am not sure I am qualified to do it. Overall, I was the one who blinded by love with the wrong man. I am not sure I can wisely help others as much you guys do. Let me see. I have to confess I am developing addiction to this site.

Have a good day, guys.

FYI Rebecca I have followed your story and I am glad you seem to be doing much better! Hope you continue finding the happiness you deserve. :)

Kctiger,
Thanks for your warm support. I did not know you are following my story.
I have read all your posts as well. I am seeing your advice is help many people who are going through lonely & painful journey evidently, and seek support on this board. It is very nice of you. I hope you are keep doing it for many others. It seems every minute, heart broken people are joining this site.

I like your signature, but am afraid you are getting a trouble for the credit card company commercial copy right. :) Just Kidding. It is charming as much as your post.

You said women are irrational on another thread, but like to point out that it is partially true. Maybe we are more emotional focused? But certainly we have well functioning brain too. It is a great news for guys because if women are not compatible, you guys' life will be very miserable. Ha Ha Any thoughts?

You know all relationships are learning experiences but dont you agree its so liberating when we wake up to the fact that we ll never have to bother about them and their little lives again?:-)
Good luck my dear!

Yes, amicon,
It feels so great! I learned my true value I cannot loose myself for the wrong & small person.

Kctiger,
Thanks for your warm support. I did not know you are following my story.
I have read all your posts as well. I am seeing your advice is help many people who are going through lonely & painful journey evidently, and seek support on this board. It is very nice of you. I hope you are keep doing it for many others. It seems every minute, heart broken people are joining this site.

I like your signature, but am afraid you are getting a trouble for the credit card company commercial copy right. :) Just Kidding. It is charming as much as your post.

You said women are irrational on another thread, but like to point out that it is partially true. Maybe we are more emotional focused? But certainly we have well functioning brain too. It is a great news for guys because if women are not compatible, you guys' life will be very miserable. Ha Ha Any thoughts?

It's funny you mention that. I am actually a very emotional guy and I tend to sympathize with women who have to deal with us men, who sometimes act like robots. Yes, without women our lives would be awful. I am one guy who considers himself the lucky one anytime he is in a relationship. :)

On a side note, stick around for awhile, get comfortable and chime in when you feel the need to. We all start somewhere, and I think you offer a tremendous amount of wisdom to us all, for we all share unique perspectives.

Regarding to helping others though. I love to, but I am not sure I am qualified to do it. Overall, I was the one who blinded by love with the wrong man. I am not sure I can wisely help others as much you guys do. Let me see. I have to confess I am developing addiction to this site.



I think you underestimate yourself. You are wise and compassionate, a perfect combination to answer questions. You have a soft way about you that is very appealing, and why so many of us care about you.

I agree with what you said about saving time. I know I could have easily been lulled back into something in August, but would have eventually found out the truth. I was also blinded until my eyes were forced open. You could save someone else that heartache if you do get involved.

Hi Rebecca,
It is MUCH easier to give good advice to others than to know what to do oneself.
I agree about your kind and civil ways being an asset.

One thing I've learned here is that when 5 people here all tell me the same thing, I should listen. Sometimes I haven't and I have basically wasted a lot of time, like you all say, sometimes months and months. I have gone back and reread threads where I asked for advice and didn't take it. I think, What an idiot I was! :)

Oh, well,
(I am cleaning up my throat here... ha ha)
If you think I will be helpful, then I feel honored, and will accept the invitation then.
I will promise I will do my best to help others if I see any chances.
Let see... Do I have a membership to do that?
What? I already have one? Oh, Thanks. I was not aware of it.

Thanks, Just Looking, Tiger, Cat, Amicon. Adam, Asking. Thanks, all.
It is truly my pleasure to meet you, the wonderful guys, on this board!

So, where is my welcome beer?

Rebecca, I would like to extend to you an invitation to my ship:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/lounge/hop-board-travel-seas-410834-4.html

It is a lot of fun there and everyone enjoys it. It was Kc and Justlooking's (J-Lo) idea to invite you and it is a great idea. Please come join us and have a beer.

Rebecca, I would like to extend to you an invitation to my ship:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/lounge/hop-board-travel-seas-410834-4.html

It is alot of fun there and everyone enjoys it. It was Kc and Justlooking's (J-Lo) idea to invite you and it is a great idea. Please come join us and have a beer.

OMG. I love party. My middel name is party as well. :D See you there.

Decisively reshaping my place & life : Silly Story

I am working at home today to receive some furniture I ordered to completely re-do my apartment. It is very important for me now, I can make myself busy & occupied in a constructive way. It will refresh my mind in a big deal, and greatly cure my depression from my breakup.

I got up early, and started to think I also need fresh painting as well. My apartment management offers fresh coating of paint once a year with no charge if the tenant requires. I am living in a high raised apartment complex by river, which offers great view and professional neighbors, but it has very strict regulation. As you know, all the units are painted with same color, creamy beige color. I want cappuccino color for total re-do.


9:30 am:
So, I went to management office down stairs. I talked to manager, Mr. xyz, I need a fresh coating in my apartment as soon as possible. It was no problem, and he arranged it for me this Saturday. I told him, I also need to paint to cappuccino color, and I will buy the paint, you paint it for me. He said No Way even without consideration. I looked at his eyes, and said softly. "Mr. xyz, I just broke up with my boy friend a month ago. I need this color to restart my life." He looked at me for a while, and finally laughed loudly, but still said No. He said it was a good try though.
I will get the new painting, but the same creamy yellow color this Saturday then. Sigh...

10:00 am
I went to mr.xyz again. I told him I still need the cappuccino color, and it should not be a matter for them to paint if I buy a paint. In fact, they actually save their paint. I looked at him again, and said softly "Mr. xyz, I still broke up with my boy friend a month ago. I need this color to restart my life." He looked at me, and laughed again. After a moment of pause, he told me they will paint whatever color paint I buy. However, when I move out, I should paint back to the original color by myself. I also should keep the door closed, and do not let other tenants I had a special color." I promised and left.
I will get the new color this Saturday then...


10:30am
I went back to mr.xyz again. I told him it does not make any sense I have to paint back to the original color by myself when I move out. Because painting service is included in the terms, and I should get it once a year if I ask. I told him again softly, " I promised and left.
I will get the new color this Saturday then...


10:30am
I went back to mr.xyz again. I told him it does not make any sense I have to paint back to the original color by myself when I move out. Because painting service is included in the terms, and I should get it once a year if I ask. I told him again softly, " He nodded his head, did not laugh at this time, and told me he understood. He said they will paint it back when I move out. I thanked him and left.
So, I will get the new color this Saturday without complication! Happy Ending.


So, it is all good.
Do you know where I picked up this negotiation skill though? From my ex in the past month. If you try hard, you can shake someone else hard. You never know if you don't try. Did I get the lesson right or what? :)

Extremely funny story Rebecca! :) You learned well. At least he taught you one thing.

Extremely funny story Rebecca! :) You learned well. At least he taught you one thing.

I cannot agree anymore. I am trying to learn from any resurces. :)

talaniman agrees: In the mail! Thanks for hanging around.

Talaniman,
I am seeing you are helping so many CONFUSED people on this board. It is nice of you, and many people include me appreciate your wise advice. Thanks for welcoming me!

So, where is my welcome beer?

You rang... ;)

Oi ! One for the brits too please :) :) :)

I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...

I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my bf of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.

I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.

I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?
Would you believe I spent a whole afternoon going through your entire thread y'day and kept going over what I had read almost all the time after that?:)

Rebecca,I agree with most of the posters here(whom I would rather call my friends,esp Redhead,Tal,I Wish,who've been there for me and whose advice has given me the strength and confidence to carry on in my times of misery),that you appear to be a very sweet,caring yet smart and tough woman.As I read through your progress,it gave me renewed hope to me and validated an evergreen truth once again,that :Everything happens for a reason.

Had you not gone through this suffering,you perhaps wouldn't have realised what strength of character you possess and what you deserve from others especially a man.Its so true,isn't it,that when we love someone we become blinded by it,lose sight of all the wrongs they do us,the pain they inflict and the bad behaviour they dish out to us?All is forgiven,because we forget our worth as people.

I am so glad you have found yourself once again and are going from strength to strength.As someone posted,it's a delight to come across someone who truly "gets it",all the advice and suggestions and really works on them.

Be happy and cheerful as you are Rebecca and wish you all the very best in love and life:)

Would you believe I spent a whole afternoon going through your entire thread y'day and kept going over what I had read almost all the time after that?:)



OMG, Starry nights,
It is so sweet of you, and I am thankful you spent a whole afternoon going through your entire thread and kept going over what you had read.

Starry nights,
I read your thread as return. In your writing, I found you are very special and sweet lady.

Most of us here are in a same boat, we are hurtful because our relationship did not turn out as we wish. Well, we have no choice but have to deal with it. I agree I am not an easy cookie, and have been very tough to my ex, and I believe my decision was right.

The reason I could be tough was very simple:

1. My goal of life is happiness not negotiation.

2. I will not degrade myself for wrong relationship, because it is about my life and future. I am not buying a bathroom tower, but making a decision for my life. I am not looking for bargain sale, defected product, or opportunity to sell myself short.

2. I know the pain of breakup. I suffered it for more than 4 weeks. I will not let it happen to me again. If I take back my ex, I possibly will have the pain again in future. I will take the risk for the same person

3. I clearly know that taking back my ex, making him promises to be faithful, or blackmailing him to marry me will be only temporary bandage. It is not a remedy for major trust & heart broken. I passed the bandage solution, and I guess that made me tough & graceful.

As you experienced, I have had the full support from AMHD members, and it was much easier to go through the turmoil. You and I have been both very lucky.

I hope we talk more on this board. I love your evergreen hope.
I wish you all the very best in love and life too!

Halloween Party

Hi everyone,
I hope all of you enjoyed the Halloween, and get what you want, and very happy!

I had so much fun last night. My girlfriend and her fiancé picked me up, and we went to the special Halloween party banquet place. It was so crowded with 100’s of beautifully dressed men and women. I really enjoyed the party all night, and shook off my post break up depression.

I dressed as as Genie, it was a big success, and people asked me if I could do some magic for them. Ha Ha. I wish, but of course not. If I am a real Genie, I will make everyone happy by wiggling my nose anytime.

Instead, I ended up offering palm reading, and I could talk to so many people and had so much fun. It was easy. If they seemed a happy couple, I say “oh, you guys will have a beautiful future together…”, and if he is a single guy or girl “Oh, I can see you will enjoy this party, and meet someone special very soon if it does not happen tonight”.
I basically gave all of them my best wish. I think I have a good possibility to be a good match maker or fortune teller. :D


- From Genie in a bottle -

Hi there Genie so happy for you ! Life s good again and you re doing so well.
Strangely enough someone read my palm last night and the dark handsome stranger awaits in the wings.hmm-we shall see about that one.
Anyway my dear keep taking care of yourself. Hugs.

Hi there Genie so happy for you ! Life s good again and you re doing so well.
Strangely enough someone read my palm last night and the dark handsome stranger awaits in the wings.hmm-we shall see about that one.
Anyway my dear keep taking care of yourself. Hugs.

amicon,
I used the line too. LOL.
How was your Halloween? Tons of Hugs...

Rebecca,your doing so well,keep it up,your like a different person to your first post and your last post.. looks like you have taken off the shackles and dancing away now.

Great to see it.

You're an inspiration.

Ha ha good line.. .
It was great thanks, good friends and a cute puppy. :-)

rebecca,your doing so well,keep it up,your like a differant person to your first post and your last post..looks like you have taken off the shackles and dancing away now.

great to see it.

your an inspiration.

redhed35,
Actually you are the inspiration who give people the light and direction.
I just followed the guideline.
I feel much better, because I know what I want in my life.
If there is a goal, I will find the way to reach it. I always did it.
I am dancing around now, but standing on my firm ground. I will not stand on a cloude with illusion any more.
Thank you always.

Week 5

My apartment re-decoration project is going very well, and I am glad I started it. It makes be busy, and gives me so much fun. My place looks fresh as like a lemon. I feel much better and refreshed. I even changed all the curtains. All women should know how fun it. :)

Now, I have boxed my ex's stuff now. What is the best way to handle it?
I really do not want to open a possibility of getting frustration or argument from him.
I am having it in my closet corner for now.
Some of his stuff have values, and some have only sentimental values.
Thanks for your advice in advance!

If he is not looking for it don't send it..

Do not open the lines of communication.

If he looks for it,you can then forward it to him through a 3rd party..

Your doing so well, if you did make contact he may misunderstand and read too much into it ,he knows it's there,let him look for his stuff first.

if he is not looking for it dont send it..

do not open the lines of communication.

if he looks for it,you can then forward it to him through a 3rd party..

your doing so well, if you did make contact he may misunderstand and read too much into it ,he knows its there,let him look for his stuff first.

I agree.
I guess I have to keep it in my closet for a while then.
Thanks always!

If you do send his things back, I suggest sending them to his friend (Dave?) or the friend's wife to be returned to him from there or by way of your father to his father.

I agree that you should not have any direct communication with him even if it is sending him a package of his own belongings.

I like your colourscheme!
I boxed my exes stuff for a month then took it to a charity shop.:-)

If you do send his things back, I suggest sending them to his friend (Dave?) or the friend's wife to be returned to him from there or by way of your father to his father.

I agree that you should not have any direct communication with him even if it is sending him a package of his own belongings.


I agree. I do not want any direct communication with him, since he can take it as a sign or an opportunity to re-start his argument.
I will think about it and find the best soultion.
It is not urgent, can wait until I can come up with a good idea.
Thank you always!!

I like your colourscheme!
I boxed my exes stuff for a month then took it to a charity shop.:-)

I love the new color scheme too.
It looks professional.
I like to idea of 'charity shop', and it sounds very good.
Is it ethical to get rid of someone's belongings by myself without permission?
I am puzzled.

I love the new color scheme too.
It looks professional.
I like to idea of 'charity shop', and it sounds very good.
Is it ethical to get rid of someone's belongings by myself without permission?
I am puzzled.

In my mind it isn't a question of ethics, it is a question of necessity. Welcome to a break up, where others' belongings have to go, regardless. You have to do what's best for you. Take your time as you said it wasn't urgent and consider the best option possible to avoid any prolonged drama.

Traveling Finally after 5 weeks of breakup.

Good morning everyone, I got very lucky, and have to tell you the good news.
I wanted to get out so badly since I broke up, but could not arrange a trip due to my friend's busy schedule.
I did some spell on my girl friends over Halloween party, ("oh, I can see you will takje a gorgeous trip in a tropical area very soon..." something like that).

Guess what! It worked! I am going to take a cruise trip with 2 of my girl friends!

We found a last minute deal with Royal Caribbean Cruise line last night, and we just booked the trip online just now. It is for 10 days trip, and we are leaving next week.

It is round trip from NY to San Juan, Puerto Rico; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Samana, Dominican Republic; Labadee, Haiti.

I am so grateful. The Genie's bottle really works!!
I am pretty sure it will help me to get rid of the post breakup blue big time.
:)

OOOhhh, I'm leaving for mexico, cancun with some friends on the 31st of December. It's so great. If I were you learn scuba diving because some beaches are beautiful.
Plus you are going to Samana, I've been there and it's one of the best places in the world. If you could, go to the main town of Los portillos (there is a huge community of french expat.) and ask around where you can rent a boat. Take the boat towards Playa Bonito, but don't stop there, continue for half an hour.

You'll find a secluded beach, where it is only accessible from water and probably some cool fisherman. This beach is untouched and BEAUTIFUL. You will find the most amazing corals there.

If not, go to the beach of playa rincon, it's the top 10 most beautiful beach in the world.

In my mind it isn't a question of ethics, it is a question of necessity. Welcome to a break up, where others' belongings have to go, regardless. You have to do what's best for you. Take your time as you said it wasn't urgent and consider the best option possible to avoid any prolonged drama.

I agree.
I like the way you put it as "prolonged drama". Yes, my break up was a series of big drama.
I will find out the best way to send the stuff, but not to irritate him unnecessarily. I do not want to see he is repeating the useless drama again. It is very tired to see it.
Thanks for support! It means a lot to me. So kind of you.

Re charityshop:one of the last things I said to the ex was could we meet up and exchange our stuff-to which he slammed the phone down. We re talking possession to the value of about $500 I spoke to my solicitor and she was OK with my giving it to the charity shop- but I live in England so I don't know about the law in your state-maybe get legal advice on that one?

OOOhhh, I'm leaving for mexico, cancun with some friends on the 31st of december. It's so great. If I were you learn scuba diving because some beaches are beautiful.
Plus you are going to Samana, I've been there and it's one of the best places in the world. If you could, go to the main town of Los portillos (there is a huge community of french expat.) and ask around where you can rent a boat. Take the boat towards Playa Bonito, but don't stop there, continue for half an hour.

You'll find a secluded beach, where it is only accessible from water and probably some cool fisherman. This beach is untouched and BEAUTIFUL. You will find the most amazing corals there.

If not, go to the beach of playa rincon, it's the top 10 most beautiful beach in the world.

WOW!
Thanks for all the tips. I love traveling. I enjoyed snorkeling last time in Bahamas, and it was fun. " top 10 most beautiful beach in the world"? How did I get that lucky?

Good luck with Mexico, and have a lot of fun!! Send us some photos as well.
Thanks!

Ironically,
I went when I was with my ex. It doesn't bother me and I have only good memories of it. Samana is like heaven on earth. Don't forget to post some pictures here also.

Ironically,
I went when I was with my ex. It doesn't bother me and I have only good memories of it. Samana is like heaven on earth. Don't forget to post some pictures here also.

For me, this itinerary & this ship is brand new for me, I have not gone there with my ex.
Thanks, God! I am going to create a new chapter & new memory in this trip.

I will post some photos! I promise.:D

I saw my ex

I went out with a group of my co workers for lunch today. We went to a restaurant, which was opened recently, and supposed to be one of the hot places. The place was so crowded, and we had to be on the waiting list, and waited for our table in the lounge area.
I accidentally looked around over the glass panel, and found there was my ex. He was dining with 3 other people. He frowned his faces all the time, and dined with unpleasant face. I can tell he seemed so arrogant & mean to them.
I suddenly lost my appetite, made an excuse, and left the scene. Fortunately, he did not see me.

I just wonder, how I lost my interest in him so completely. Am I too cold?
It will be very gross to me if he tries to sit next to me in any case.
What a day!

Wow. He does not LOVE YOU! TRUST ME... This is coming from a MAN.. He is a liar and a sad excuse for a MAN. A REAL MAN do not treat women like this. Hes a little punk and I would slap him for you if I was there.

If you loved him , you would be with him even if he's trying to date other women? HAHAHA.. Are you kidding me?

I am not lying to you and if you were smart, you will listen to me. He does not love you. Its fake.

NOWWW>>> What should you do?? You feel like crap and is heartbroken... I was there before also.

First read the stickies on the relationship forum.

The only thing that will heal your heart is time.

The MOST IMPORTANT rule is NO CONTACT! In any shape or form. No cheating! This rule is so powerful...

Throw away everything that reminds you of him. Just do it! I know it hurts but if you don't do it, you'll be disrespecting yourself and letting that punk disrespect you also..

NO calls, emails, texts, ANYTHING! Change his phone number on your phone to someone else's name like " FAT ALBERT ".

BEtter yourself. Be active. GO SHOPPING! Buy some nice LINGERIE for your next boyfriend... HAhahahha... Learn to apply makeup a different way on YOUTUBE.COM. Go dancing with your girlfriends. Talk to your friends. Talk to family. Be social. Watch the food network and learn how to cook. Sing... Only happy music... Not love music... Do anything to forget about him. Learn to HATE HIM! EXERCISE!! SWEAT!! All in all, Better yourself... THis is SO IMPORTANT.

Do all these things and keep busy. Time will heal your heart little by little everyday. You will realize soon that he was not even worth it in the first place. And in the future when he sees you again, he will want you back so bad... By then you will have the choice if you want him back or not. But I bet by then you will have already found a new, better boyfriend and just laugh at him...

ROFL

=)

Good luck...

^____^;;

lol, I didn't see your last post! Seems like you already forgot about him! CONGRATS! AHAHHA... =)

lol, i didnt see your last post! Seems like you already forgot about him! CONGRATS! AHAHHA... =)


Thanks for your post and concerns. Yes, I am done with him. :)

I just wonder, how I lost my interest in him so completely. Am I too cold?

You are anything but cold. From your writings here, I would say that you are an extremely out-going warm-hearted person.

I think one reason why it seems like you are getting over him faster than you may feel like you should is that you have support of friends and family keeping you from letting yourself wallow in remorse, pity, or confusion.

Another reason is that you have woken up from an unrealistic dream of what a romantic relationship should be. You can now see what you thought were caring gestures were actually attempts at controlling your thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Finding yourself again can be a big help in 'getting over' the person who tried to change you.

Welcome back to reality. :)

You are anything but cold. From your writings here, I would say that you are an extremely out-going warm-hearted person.

I think one reason why it seems like you are getting over him faster than you may feel like you should is that you have support of friends and family keeping you from letting yourself wallow in remorse, pity, or confusion.

Another reason is that you have woken up from an unrealistic dream of what a romantic relationship should be. You can now see what you thought were caring gestures were actually attempts at controlling your thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Finding yourself again can be a big help in 'getting over' the person who tried to change you.

Welcome back to reality. :)

Cat2070939,
You are right about the whole thing again. Thanks for your insight. I really think I am over him at this point. I did not expect I could over the future husband to be so quickly.
I am glad I do not have any confusion anymore. I have clean head and refreshed heart.

Last night, I was so scared though, because I wonder if I became a man hater or cold woman. That was the last one I want to be. I want to be the same person before I met my ex, who is very sweet and passionate for anything around my life. Thanks for assuring me as a good woman. I feel greatly relived. :)

It is a big wake up call for me to realize how much I was deceived by the illusion of love with the wrong man. I could end up living in a totally wrong path for my entire life. I am so glad I found out the 'real color' of him before it is too late.

I just want to make sure to myself, (ha ha since I was scared) I have been believed as a woman who has endless sweet love for my partner in any age. I know I still have the good heart and un-tarnished passion for 'the right man'. One day, I will meet the right person somehow magically, and make him honored, loved and perfectly happy. Ha Ha (I guess I have to be extremely careful to choose a date or figure out the real color of the person though. )

Right now, I am only focusing on processing my healing whatever it takes, and will have fun as much as possible as a single. I have good family, friends, AMHD (best part), good job, pretty apartment (!), and so many fun plans in my hands. I cannot be happier. My calendar is already filled with many exciting plans until the end of the year. By the way, I got the call from the hospital for the volunteer opportunity. I wish I had some medical skills, but I have none. I guess I can do something for them still.

Yes, I am happy to live in my reality!

Would you be interested in looking into volunteer opportunities in fund raising for the hospital or one of the charities associated with it?

Would you be interested in looking into volunteer opportunities in fund raising for the hospital or one of the charities associated with it?

Yes, I am. I am deeply involved with the multiple fund raising committee in my area. :)

Yes, I am. I am deeply involved with the multiple fund raising committee in my area. :)

I thought it sounded like you were. :D

Does the hospital need volunteers to help children/teens with their school work or help keep them entertained with reading or games? For that matter, do they need volunteers to be "companions" for adults, too?

I think I am going to date again.

Friday night I went to a cinema with Mr. scrub, my neighbor, who asked me out for the movie, Zombieland. I thought the movie was somewhat PG-13 comedy horror, but it was the worst horror ever. I was so scared, and pretty much screamed for entire movie. Mr. Scrub had arms around me to comfort, and I shoved my half face on his shirt (?), and inventively it looks like he hugged me for entire movie, but it was not that intentional.
After movie, we had a quick bite together. On the way come back, he asked me to go out with him again. I casually said yes, but I would choose a better movie at this time. Ha Ha

He looked at me with serious look, and said it will not be just hanging out, but a real formal date. He said he had crush on me for long time, heard about my breakup from Dexter, he would go slow, and will not pressure or rush me. Well, I told him I would be gone for cruise for 2 weeks. He told me he would happily wait for me for 2 weeks, but he had to know the exact date to make plans for us. He joked he was wondering if someone would ask me out in any minutes, since I am single now. He was blushed when he said that part, and it was cute. He was funny, charming, good looking and intelligent indeed. So, I happily accepted it. I have not dated any doctor so far, and it will be new thing for me. So, I am set up for a dressed-up formal date just after my trip. It will be exactly 8 weeks from the breakup.

By the way, Mr. healthy soup (Will) is teaching me rocket ball every Wednesday now as well. I also have a guy who had a big crush on me in the Halloween party, and he wants me to take me out too. So, one, who is living in my building, and another, my co-worker, and 3rd guy, Mr. Halloween…I will try to hang out with them and see how it goes. I have no intention to take anyone serious, but I need good company & fun now. I guess I should tell them in front not to hurt their feelings & avoid confusions.

Well, my single life goes well, and my ex is history now. Should I close this thread now? Thank you for your support, all.

Congrats!

Definitely be honest with them and go slow.

You are doing great, but be prepared for something to trigger a down moment. Holidays can be a tricky time. Though, it sounds like these gentleman may try to make sure you don't have time to think about Mr. Ex. :)

I agree with Cat. Don't be surprised by a bad moment.

And, no, don't close the thread! This is entertaining. :)

Plus if someone comes along all sad about a situation similar to yours, they can read it and see that there really other fish in the sea.

But maybe I'm just being selfish.

Have a great trip and nice that you had such a great date (well, sort of). I went to see Zombieland with my two teenage sons and even though I knew what to expect, I still yelped a couple of times!

I agree with asking , keep this thread going. Not only are we happy to hear your story but it's a great journal for you to look back on and see what you've learnt from your break up.

This is a feel good thread to me :)

I think you should send the player packin’! He is trying to “have his cake and eat it too”!
I would post a fake profile on his dating sites and respond to him and lead him on, it will make you know exactly what kind of man you gave your heart to. Also always remember, boys lie.. I heard this statement a long time ago and it made quite a bit of sense. A real man never lies..

I think I am going to date again.

Friday night I went to a cinema with Mr. scrub, my neighbor, who asked me out for the movie, Zombieland. I thought the movie was somewhat PG-13 comedy horror, but it was the worst horror ever. I was so scared, and pretty much screamed for entire movie. Mr. Scrub had arms around me to comfort, and I shoved my half face on his shirt (?), and inventively it looks like he hugged me for entire movie, but it was not that intentional.
After movie, we had a quick bite together. On the way come back, he asked me to go out with him again. I casually said yes, but I would choose a better movie at this time. Ha Ha

He looked at me with serious look, and said it will not be just hanging out, but a real formal date. He said he had crush on me for long time, heard about my breakup from Dexter, he would go slow, and will not pressure or rush me. Well, I told him I would be gone for cruise for 2 weeks. He told me he would happily wait for me for 2 weeks, but he had to know the exact date to make plans for us. He joked he was wondering if someone would ask me out in any minutes, since I am single now. He was blushed when he said that part, and it was cute. He was funny, charming, good looking and intelligent indeed. So, I happily accepted it. I have not dated any doctor so far, and it will be new thing for me. So, I am set up for a dressed-up formal date just after my trip. It will be exactly 8 weeks from the breakup.

By the way, Mr. healthy soup (Will) is teaching me rocket ball every Wednesday now as well. I also have a guy who had a big crush on me in the Halloween party, and he wants me to take me out too. So, one, who is living in my building, and another, my co-worker, and 3rd guy, Mr. Halloween…I will try to hang out with them and see how it goes. I have no intention to take anyone serious, but I need good company & fun now. I guess I should tell them in front not to hurt their feelings & avoid confusions.

Well, my single life goes well, and my ex is history now. Should I close this thread now? Thank you for your support, all.

I'm so glad for you! Though, make sure that you don't replace your ex with someone else, it is really important that you stay single for a long time. I had (and still have) my shares of dates and girls interested in me, but you need to get better on your own. The reason for that is that you will become much stronger for the future and you will be able to cope with other problems.

I've talked to this girl that I'm really interested and she seems really interested, and I am happy things are going well for me. The difference from before is I don't think about her right now and I don't get my hopes up. I am able to control my emotions and I am able to concentrate on other stuff until I see her. If she goes with another guy, it will do nothing to me, because I learned to be strong. This is what I achieved with active healing all these months, more control over my emotions and more confidence (which attracts more girls).

Hey rebecca,if you feel your ready to date again fair enough, however I would like to give you a word of caution... you have experienced a bad break up,and although you have made great strides in healing,and getting back too you,remember wounds take time to heal,you have a nice scab forming and all is going well...

Getting perspective takes time,and your breakup was littered with psycological (sp) trauma as well,and I would worry that you would form an attachment or fall for a man too quickly...

As I said you know you best and this is just an outside opinion,words on a screen,but its objective... have fun and enjoy the company by all means,but protect your mind,your heart and that scab!

imabratt, just a piece of friendly advice, please read an entire thread or at very least the latest posts by the op, before adding your advice. Often there is updated information in a thread especially one with over 300 posts that will change what advice is needed.

congrats!
Thank you for your kind word!:)

I'm so glad for you!! Though, make sure that you don't replace your ex with someone else, it is really important that you stay single for a long time. I had (and still have) my shares of dates and girls interested in me, but you need to get better on your own. The reason for that is that you will become much stronger for the future and you will be able to cope with other problems.

I've talked to this girl that I'm really interested and she seems really interested, and I am happy things are going well for me. The difference from before is I don't think about her right now and I don't get my hopes up. I am able to control my emotions and I am able to concentrate on other stuff until I see her. If she goes with another guy, it will do nothing to me, because I learned to be strong. This is what I achieved with active healing all these months, more control over my emotions and more confidence (which attracts more girls).

Thank you, paxe,
I agree with you completely. Since last time I saw my ex, I feel like I do not care if he dates someone else now. I was deeply hurt by his cheating before, but I like to move forward. I will not dwell in the sorrow for the man anymore. He did not deserve me anyway.
Regarding to the healing though, I still did not forgive him. I do not know I will ever forgive him. Is it the sign I am not still over him completely? I wonder...

hey rebecca,if you feel your ready to date again fair enough, however i would like to give you a word of caution...you have experienced a bad break up,and although you have made great strides in healing,and getting back too you,remember wounds take time to heal,you have a nice scab forming and all is going well...

getting perspective takes time,and your breakup was littered with psycological (sp) trauma as well,and i would worry that you would form an attachment or fall for a man too quickly....

as i said you know you best and this is just an outside opinion,words on a screen,but its objective...have fun and enjoy the company by all means,but protect your mind,your heart and that scab!

Hi redhead,
Yes, I exactly expected your advice. I need caution. I do not want to dwell in the sorrow, but I do not want to end up with impulsive rebound relationship either.

As you say, the breakup with my ex was the biggest psychological (sp) trauma in my life, it wounded myself esteem and personal belief from the root. I will try to be logical and emotionally conservative & neutral not to develop a form of attachment or fall for a man too quickly...

The good thing is all 3 men showed up at the same time, and it will give me some balance not to fall for a man quickly. However, it will be tricky to be fair to the gentlemen, and not to hurt their feelings until I found the right person among them.

I will definitely go slowly. My way has been always going slow, and nobody never had me in the first a couple of month. I know. I am way too traditional. :)

I know I am too genuine sometimes for my age, and will try to protect myself. I will come and ask your opinion always. You are helping me in a great deal all the time. Thank you.

Definitely be honest with them and go slow.

You are doing great, but be prepared for something to trigger a down moment. Holidays can be a tricky time. Though, it sounds like these gentleman may try to make sure you don't have time to think about Mr. Ex. :)


Cat1864,
I agree. I thought about the coming Holiday, and I know I will give me Holiday blue big time. I was with my ex in all the Holiday events, and now I am suddenly single.
However, I will guard my feelings, and be honest with the 3 gentlemen.
I promise I will go very slowly.
I will keep updating you and ask your wise opinion all the time.:)

...I still did not forgive him. I do not know I will ever forgive him. Is it the sign I am not still over him completely? I wonder...

To me, it just means you learned a powerful lesson. It's certainly too fresh to expect yourself to forgive him now. I don't think it will still be bothering you much in 10 years. You'll just be glad you didn't marry him!

But are you required to ever forgive him eventually? That's really up to you. I wouldn't worry about it now.

I agree with Cat. Don't be surprised by a bad moment.

And, no, don't close the thread! This is entertaining. :)

Plus if someone comes along all sad about a situation similar to yours, they can read it and see that there really other fish in the sea.

But maybe I'm just being selfish.

Have a great trip and nice that you had such a great date (well, sort of). I went to see Zombieland with my two teenage sons and even though I knew what to expect, I still yelped a couple of times!


Hahaha
Then, I will keep this thread open, and keep posting my new journal.
Indeed, it is peace in my mind I have a great place I can vent and get warm support and wise advice.

Yes, the Zombieland was brutally horror movie.
It is one of the perfect post breakup movie, we can shake off all our sorrow, and scream out all the stress from our chest. I recommend it. :D

I agree with asking , keep this thread going. Not only are we happy to hear your story but it's a great journal for you to look back on and see what you've learnt from your break up.

This is a feel good thread to me :)


OK. I will keep it open!
It is my great pleasure to share my journal and get all of your support to live better life.
Thank you again! :)

I agree with Cat. Don't be surprised by a bad moment.
!

What bad moment are you foreseeing?
I like to know it beforehand to prepare for myself.

Chapter 2:
:) :) :) :) :) :)

Let's start the chapter 2 already.
It feels great to start the chapter 2 with you!

I am seriously considering to buy a condo, and searching it online.
I have saved good chunk for my future wedding, which is totally gone now, and it is good enough to be a deposit to buy a condo!
Is it a good idea to buy a condo by myself?
Is it a too strong statement which demonstrates I am very independent woman at 27?
Let's vote!

To me, it just means you learned a powerful lesson. It's certainly too fresh to expect yourself to forgive him now. I don't think it will still be bothering you much in 10 years. You'll just be glad you didn't marry him!

But are you required to ever forgive him eventually? That's really up to you. I wouldn't worry about it now.

HA HA HA
I feel so good I do not have to forgive him now! You gave me a perfect solution! :)

Hey that's a great film-my son-17 took me last week-scary-the film I mean!
Good to know you re doing so well. :-)
As for forgiving the ex Id leave that to the future.
Personally I think we re really over them when we feel sort of indifferent towards them.
Have a good day my dear keep posting I love your thread.

Hey thats a great film-my son-17 took me last week-scary-the film I mean!
Good to know you re doing so well. :-)
As for forgiving the ex Id leave that to the future.
Personally I think we re really over them when we feel sort of indifferent towards them.
Have a good day my dear keep posting I love your thread.

Hahaha
I am surprised all of us enjoyed the scary movie. I am glad you enjoyed it. I thought it was very silly to watch the movie as a grown up, but I have to admit it was quite entertaining horror movie. Gee, the scary scene of the amusement park is still hunting me.

I am going well, thank you.
I was very down weeks ago, but with all AMHD friend's help, I became happy myself again. Thank you.

It is a good relief I do not have to forgive my ex. I normally do not hate anyone because it is giving me a bad taste in my mouth, but I will leave it as exception now.
Well, who cares at this moment. Right? :)

What bad moment are you foreseeing?
I like to know it beforehand to prepare for myself.

Oh, just the same we've already talked about. Feeling bad about the relationship not being what you thought. But maybe you are past all that. :)

I was married for 15 years, so it took longer...

Oh, just the same we've already talked about. Feeling bad about the relationship not being what you thought. But maybe you are past all that. :)

I was married for 15 years, so it took longer...

I see. You are helping me in a great deal. I like to know about your relationhsip(s). How is it going? :)

Thank you, paxe,
I agree with you completely. Since last time i saw my ex, I feel like I do not care if he dates someone else now. I was deeply hurt by his cheating before, but I like to move forward. I will not dwell in the sorrow for the man anymore. He did not deserve me anyway.
Regarding to the healing though, I still did not forgive him. I do not know I will ever forgive him. Is it the sign I am not still over him completely? I wonder...

The wounds are still fresh, so don't force healing on you. I doubt you have completely healed especially after such a long relationship but you are doing good! You should inform all the guys you are dating you are not looking for a relationship, but only friendship. The good guys will stay and the bad ones will leave. It is really important to stay single in your life, in order to be stronger later on. I can't stress that enough. Happiness should come from within, not from somebody else.

The wounds are still fresh, so don't force healing on you. I doubt you have completely healed especially after such a long relationship but you are doing good! You should inform all the guys you are dating you are not looking for a relationship, but only friendship. The good guys will stay and the bad ones will leave. It is really important to stay single in your life, in order to be stronger later on. I can't stress that enough. Happiness should come from within, not from somebody else.

OK. Got it. Thanks for your advice. :)