I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...

I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my boyfriend of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.

I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.

I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?

What should you do?

Jump for joy that he is gone out the door..

He does not love you, expects you to wait for him,possibly,if he does not find someone he considers better.. so he is off having sex,yes sex with other women while you sit and cry..

Does that sound fair?

He has some neck to say that to you,and feel that you have wronged him in some way,cause your upset that he wants to get his rocks off!

Change the locks,call your friends,call your family,gather support around you,and thank your lucky stars you did not marry this man.

Had to spread the rep redhed.

Did he seriously think you'd believe him when he said he would marry you but not now because he needed to see what else is out there? If he wanted to marry you he wouldn't need to see what else is out there. What a load of BS. Be glad you found this all out now and not further down the road.

he does not like a promiscuous girl
And you are supposed to be happy with a promiscuous boy?

It is time to say good riddance to that individual and give him his ring plus whatever else of his you have. Then begin No Contact. Have him return your belongings via family or friends. There shouldn't be anything left to say after that.

He isn't only insensitive he is putting your health at risk by his playing around.

I wouldn't believe a syllable he says about being faithful after the wedding. I would be afraid he was setting up dates with the catering staff or bride's maids.

Let him play with his promiscuous women that he doesn't like.

You can find a real man who knows that love is more than a word and that a promise means something.Don't let his stupidity make you think that all men are like him. There are many more who respect their relationships.

Don't let his actions cause you to doubt yourself. He is the one with the problem not you and letting yourself take any blame for his infidelity will tear your self-esteem and respect apart.

It won't be easy but you will survive and be stronger for getting rid of him.

He's trying to keep you as a safety net. He wants to explore, while keeping you and trying to make sure you don't look for anyone else in the process. This is the definition of selfishness. No contact, disappear from him and never return. Find a real man who will stay faithful and committed for the long haul. Do not believe the "i will be faithful once married" bit, that's just a line to try to keep you.

As others have said, that is incredibly selfish on his behalf. Begin NC right away, you will not be anybody's backup. I honestly cannot believe that this guy has the nerve to even say this to you. When my ex started asking me about marriage (after a little over a year of dating) and I said eventually, but not right now and I told her it was because I didn't think we were ready financially, relationship-wise, her still being in school, etc... all what I would consider valid reasons (she broke up with me like 3 weeks later because "I didn't have the same time horizons as her" lol... but you get my point). His reason for not wanting marriage to go out and date other women and then coming back to you is bogus. Drop him like it's hot.

It sounds like he does not respect you. If you stay with him, then you don't respect yourself either. You can love someone unconditionally and still keep your self-respect. Parents do it all the time when they "cut the umbilical cord" and kick their kid out of the house for their own good.

Thanks for all the support.
I know it is clear as black and white. I have no intention to be fooled by his lie, and will go my way separately. I just cannot believe he had such an animal inside of him, and obviously I was blinded by his sweet talk. It hurts so bad though, and I do not know what to do to forget this pain.

I am keep saying to myself, I must be Ok after for a while, but I just cannot stand the image that he is with someone. It is totally disgusting.

If you read the stickies on no contact they really give great advice and tips to stay strong and recover...

If you need to vent there is always someone here to offer advice and support.

You ve made the right choice.
The pain will go away.
Good luck.

If you need us, someone will be here. Rant, questions, need ideas... All you have to do is keep adding to this thread.

Good luck. :)

Wow, it doesn't matter what you are thinking right now, just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again. He can't treat you like a piece of candy and try out the different flavors and see which one he likes the most.

just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again.


Adam,
I agree. I love your post. I am smiling in tears. I am actually in much better position than he is. I have a better job, more popularity, better looking, and never had a problem to be asked out. I just tried to be loyal, and he took it as granted.

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

I am glad you have such a leverage over him and feel better about the situation. Someone so stupid as he deserves a good shake to make him realize what he has just done. He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

Adam,
Once again your kind words made my day, and helped me heal my wounded self esteem. Thanks again. You make me more cry.

Here is update.
When I came back from work last night by 9 pm, he was waiting for me in front of my apartment with flowers, and asked me if I was OK. I even did not look at him, did not answer anything, and refused to take the flowers. While I was opening my door, he was telling me he did not sleep with anyone, but had casual date with some girls he was not even into it. He said he did not know why he did it, and he did not even enjoy it. I asked him how long he had done it, and he could not even answer. It is totally empty lie, and only disgusting. I said we were done, and came to my apartment and locked the door.

He called me later about 4,5 times. I finally picked up the phone, and I told him "we are done and there is no hope, and I do not want to see him or hear from him anymore". He yelled at me I was overacting. What a jerk! I hung up the phone, and cried all night. I am very confused what I have to believe in from the whole 1.5 years of relationship with him. I do not believe any single word he said to me anymore. I cannot believe I was so fool and blinded. I feel like he stole my life for 1.5 years from me.

Try not to see it as if he stole this time from your life.
All relationships are experiences and we learn and grow from what we go through.
You found out what a jerk he is now not years down the line.
You ve done the right thing now stay strong and never have anything more to do with him.

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around. It is so nice to see a plan like that back-fire.

You definitely deserve better than him. I just hope your father and brother are careful not to 'shake him' too hard. I wouldn't want them crossing a line and the law getting involved. They don't need to deal with this idiot any longer, either.

What he did was wrong, but I do ask that you try and move forward, that is the only thing you can do. We can't stay and live in the past forever. We can only move forward and hope things get better from that moment on. You did a very good thing not giving into him. Does he really think there is a difference in cheating whether it be going on dates with someone or having sex with them? He still chose to have a commitment with you and he broke it. Dumb guy and very undeserving. You seem like a sweet girl and deserve something great. Just don't take your feelings from this relationship into the next one.

I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around.

Cat1864,
I agree with you every single word you said. I realized he controlled me, and I allowed him to do it to me. He always told me "I like nice girl, and nice girl should be bla bla..." to get what he wanted. He destroyed my self-esteem to contol me easily as he wanted. It will not happen to my life again.

I have not talked about him to my family yet, but I have to someday, because my father and his father are very close, they play golf every weekend together. I do not think my father & brother want to make their hands dirty physically for this crap, but I am pretty sure they will be very mad about this, and give him very strong warning as family level. My family treated him very well. By the way, he begged me to keep it secret from my family because we should work through by our own(!) last night over the phone. He must feel ashamed. What a jerk again! What have I done!

Don't beat yourself up-you only did what most of us have done on probably more than one occasion-you fell in love with someone who wasn't worthy of you.
Its his loss not yours.

Dont beat yourself up-you only did what most of us have done on probably more than one occasion-you fell in love with someone who wasnt worthy of you.
Its his loss not yours.

amicon,
It makes me so sad, and make me more cry. Why would I be treated like this? Where is truth and decency?

There are good men out there as well as a number of insensitive morons believe that.
The pain your feeling now is normal and even though it hurts you ll get through it.
Be as angry with him and his behaviour as you need to be it ll help you on your road to recovery.
Talk to friends and family don't bottle it up.
Take care.

cat1864,
I agree with you every single word you said. I realized he controlled me, and I allowed him to do it to me. He always told me "I like nice girl, and nice girl should be bla bla..." to get what he wanted. He destroyed my self-esteem to contol me easily as he wanted. It will not happen to my life again.

I have not talked about him to my family yet, but I have to someday, because my father and his father are very close, they play golf every weekend together. I do not think my father & brother want to make their hands dirty physically for this crap, but I am pretty sure they will be very mad about this, and give him very strong warning as family level. My family treated him very well. By the way, he begged me to keep it secret from my family because we should work through by our own(!) last night over the phone. He must feel ashamed. What a jerk again! What have I done!

I have a feeling before all this is over he is going to be extremely sorry for his misdeeds. I would almost bet that the fathers will be having words and I doubt that he will like the conversation. If he wants to talk, let him talk to them after you do.

Don't let him make you bitter or suspicious about men and relationships. We may hear a lot about this kind of person, but they really aren't as common as it seems.

Give yourself some time to heal and let the anger and hurt dull down. Tears and self-anger are common and take some time to work through. However, keeping yourself (mind and body) busy can help keep you from chasing the bad thoughts around in circles. Take time to do the things that YOU like to do and that make you feel good.

Just keep in mind that when you found out, you ended it. That was very strong action to take. You didn't believe him and let him string you along and go through a cycle a dozen times before you had enough. I can't count the number of individuals who think 'they can work it out or make it better if they just do more' then ask for help because it didn't work.

I don't think your self-esteem is as far gone as it may feel like right now. I think you just need to see it instead of the layers of self-doubt.

Don't let him make you bitter or suspicious about men and relationships. We may hear a lot about this kind of person, but they really aren't as common as it seems.

Cat1864,
You are right. What a wise advice. The last thing I like to see is he is destroying my future and real me. I cannot give in my future & happiness over his carp. I promise I will recover from this disaster, and will be the sweet girl again to rebuild my life by my own.

It hurts so much though, and I almost feel like someone is sticking my heart with sharp object...

Does he really think there is a difference in cheating whether it be going on dates with someone or having sex with them? He still chose to have a commitment with you and he broke it. Dumb guy and very undeserving.

Adam,
It is just horrible. I just realized that I saw a hicky on his neck while ago. He said it was a bug bite, but now I am certain he slept with someone else... oh, god... oh, god. My hands are shaking while I am tying it... I was perfectly happy, but now everything turned out to be ash

Calm down. It could mean nothing, but in the end of the day you should leave him asap before he hurts you more. At least it may give him some perspective and it if means to be he'll go back with you. And if you start being sad, tell yourself plenty of us passed by that and we support you.

Adam,
It is just horrible. I just realized that I saw a hicky on his neck while ago. He said it was a bug bite, but now I am certain he slept with someone else... oh, god... oh, god. My hands are shaking while I am tying it... I was perfectly happy, but now everything turned out to be ash

Don't let this bother you. Just seeing how it makes you feel, doesn't that make you happy that you will never have to feel it again from him? I have been cheated on by a few different girls in the past but once they were out of my life, I was happy and it didn't bother me anymore and I had to move on. That is exactly what you have to do. I know you will have a few days of feeling bad but you will get passed it. You need to be around friends and family right now. Or you can just stay here and talk to us. We will be here for you.

doesn't that make you happy that you will never have to feel it again from him?

Adam, thanks again, and you are right, He cannot make me feel this way again, because I am done with him. I should be happy then. Thanks for your insight... how did you get over them in your past? Did you love them deeply and promise the future with them?

Calm down. It could mean nothing, but in the end of the day you should leave him asap before he hurts you more. At least it may give him some perspective and it if means to be he'll go back with you. And if you start being sad, tell yourself plenty of us passed by that and we support you.


Thanks, all of you are so kind, and it means a lot to me.

And by the way, I got cheated on, and my ex took a picture of the moment... so I guess I can tell you I know what you feel and it sucks. But after some time the pain DOES dull down.

Adam, thanks again, and you are right, He cannot make me feel this way again, because I am done with him. I should be happy then. thanks for your insight... how did you get over them in your past? did you love them deeply and promise the future with them?

Well, a couple of them were just a shortly lasted relationship because I learned quickly of their ways. There was one that got me though. We were together for about 7 months. Lived together for awhile and everything. The biggest kicker was that she was pregnant after we were together for awhile and I was living with this girl who I loved and she was carrying my son. Well, Come to find out is that she liked to play the field too and it wasn't my son who was in there. I was actually happy that I would be raising a son and she took that away from me and made it hell for me. I guess I just worked too much and that gave her too much time to do what she wanted and I guess having sex with other men was what she chose to do with her free time. After I found out all this she went to live with her mom and I just stuck with my family and friends and they made me feel a lot better and I just had to move forward and keep my mind off it and after awhile the pain did go away. It is a painful thing but there are much better things out there then people who are like this. I am glad you made the decision on making yourself better and getting away from this piece of crap.

paxe, adam,
Thanks for sharing your painful story with me. I cannot believe it is really happening. What kind of person took picture of that scene? What kind of person fooled around even with pregnancy? I feel so sorry for your guys, am just speechless, and heart broken.

I feel very sick now, and will leave my office soon. I feel like I will be sick like a dog for a while. Talk to you later, and you guys are really sweet & helpful for me. So nice of you for me, and I cannot stop crying...

I have had guys in my office huge crush on me, asked me out very politely multiple times, but I never consider it even for a sec because I was taken, and had the promise ring in my finger. It turns out nothing to me now. I feel so empty and helpless... and crying...

I'm sorry for your tears and sorrow. I wish I could help more. Just remember we are here for you and we would like to see you around here a lot now, no matter where you post. We are here for you.

Hi all,
I left work early, stayed in bed and was sick like a dog last night.
I heard he called my name, knocked my door around 8 pm. I was in dark room, kept myself in silence, and pretended I was not home. He repeated it until 10:30 on and off, and finally left. My phone rang all night long, and I finally had to unplug it. He left pathetic voice mails multiple times. One of them says he turned down all his profiles just after we had the fighting, and we need to talk.

If he really believed it was OK to see what else is out there while he was wearing the promise ring, why he had to suddenly turn it down? It proves me again, it was totally bs, I was played, and he is a piece of crap. He ruined the precious love, and it cannot be restored anymore. I am wondering what lies he told to other girls.

I saw a bunch of flowers on my door step in the morning, and I immediately dumped them in the trash can. I am going to change my lock and phone number in a coule of days. Phone number wise, he will find out new number somehow if he tries, but it will give him a clear message I do not want to talk to him, and I guess it is worth to go through the hassle. It is only my 2nd NC day, and I am helplessly crying...

And by the way, I got cheated on, and my ex took a picture of the moment... so I guess I can tell you I know what you feel and it sucks. But after some time the pain DOES dull down.

paxe,
How did you end the relationship? How did you cope?

Hi all,
I left work early, stayed in bed and was sick like a dog last night.
I heard he called my name, knocked my door around 8 pm. I was in dark room, kept myself in silence, and pretended I was not home. He repeated it until 10:30 on and off, and finally left. My phone rang all night long, and I finally had to unplug it. He left pathetic voice mails multiple times. One of them says he turned down all his profiles just after we had the fighting, and we need to talk.

If he really believed it was OK to see what else is out there while he was wearing the promise ring, why he had to suddenly turn it down? It proves me again, it was totally bs, I was played, and he is a piece of crap. He ruined the precious love, and it cannot be restored anymore. I am wondering what lies he told to other girls.

I saw a bunch of flowers on my door step in the morning, and I immediately dumped them in the trash can. I am going to change my lock and phone number in a coule of days. Phone number wise, he will find out new number somehow if he tries, but it will give him a clear message I do not want to talk to him, and I guess it is worth to go through the hassle. It is only my 2nd NC day, and I am helplessly crying...


He is just trying to get you back because you are a girl he believes he can control and you do whatever he wants you to do. Well, I am proud of you for standing strong and keeping him away from you. Distancing yourself the way you are is a good thing that you are doing. He really did screw up a wonderful thing and I think now is the time he will try hardest to get you back but don't fall for his games. You know how it went once and I almost guarantee it would happen again. Just stay strong and have a strong will. It will keep getting better.

He is just trying to get you back because you are a girl he believes he can control and you do whatever he wants you to do. Well, I am proud of you for standing strong and keeping him away from you. Distancing yourself the way you are is a good thing that you are doing. He really did screw up a wonderful thing and I think now is the time he will try hardest to get you back but don't fall for his games. You know how it went once and I almost guarantee it would happen again. Just stay strong and have a strong will. It will keep getting better.

Adam,
I agree with you. I do think it was a good enough indication that he will cheat on me again if I decide to stay with him. I have no intention to ruin my life for this liar, live in lie, and suffer. I do not have to be miserable. Sometimes, I have to say I am getting weak since it happened so suddenly, and I was not even thought it could happen to us. Everything happened so fast, and my head is spinning. Your support really keeps me staying strong. I still cannot eat or sleep. I hope it will get better.

I am wondering how I should take away the promise ring from his finger in future. Any suggestions?

I am so lucky to have all the support on this board when I really need it. Thanks a lot.

You are doing great and believe us it will get better and you will be happier. You just need to surround yourself with love and the people who love you and will never let you down.

As far as the promise ring, it should be no problem getting it back if you really want it. If you tell him to give it back and he refuses, which I wouldn't see why he would since he did break the promise but it was not a gift to him, it was a promise on his part to stay with you and to stay loyal. He did not hold up his part and has no right to keep the ring.

Let him keep his ring as a reminder of his bad behavior causing him to lose something of great value... YOU!!

Pawn yours, and treat yourself with the proceeds, and never look back! It may hurt a lot now, but the good thing is you are no longer with this cheating jerk.

You just need to surround yourself with love and the people who love you and will never let you down.


Right. That's what he did. He completely let me down while I was loyal.

Be proud of yourself for being a loyal person and for being someone who dared move on when faced with this man s rubbish.
Try to eat right it s essential and get some proper sleep-try herbal teas and relaxing music before bed.
Every day that passes will lessen your pain.

Pawn yours, and treat yourself with the proceeds, and never look back!
Oh, god... it is horrible and harsh... I am seeing clearly now, there is no way I can go back to the good time again. All is gone...

The ring have meant to me a lot, and I have kept it as the most precious piece, and have slept with it since he gave it to me. He gave it to me in the cruise trip on the Christmas eve, with his one knee. It was promise ring, but had a big diamond on it, and he was so proud of giving it to me. Now it became only an evidence of real ugliness, and proof of how big liar he was.

I feel like... I received a nicely wrapped Christmas gift, kept it close to my heart, and finally opened it with huge expectation, but only found out it is filled with BS. He obviously trashed my heart... for nothing... it is just horrible and heart broken... tearing me a part...

I am in a deep sorrow, I am not sure when and how I can get out from it... but just hope I can completely loose all the memory which reminds me the pain every minute... it is just hurting...

Break ups for any reasons suck. It will get better, if your busy, and proactive in the process of healing from this experience.

Easier said than done, for sure. Read the stickies, there is a link in my signature for some insights, and suggestions, on dealing with these traumatic situations.

If the idea of getting rid of the ring doesn't appeal to you, what would you think about turning it into another piece of jewelry that would be a promise to yourself of healing and moving toward the future? You could even design it yourself.

Please, don't let him make you feel like hiding yourself away from everyone and every thing you care about. Once you start it is very hard to come back out.

Some self time can be beneficial, but too much will have your thoughts running around in circles and spiraling downward. Upset feeding on anger feeding on disappointment feeding on all the other negative thoughts and feelings leave very little room for hope, happiness, laughter, and all the good feelings that help rebuild your self-esteem and respect. I know those good feelings seem so far away right now, but they are there just waiting for you to perceive them again.

If the idea of getting rid of the ring doesn't appeal to you, what would you think about turning it into another piece of jewelry that would be a promise to yourself of healing and moving toward the future? You could even design it yourself.

Please, don't let him make you feel like hiding yourself away from everyone and every thing you care about. Once you start it is very hard to come back out.

CAT1864,
It is just an appropriate & wonderful advice, and I appreciate your wisdom. I would take it a part, get rid of his signature, and turn it to a toe ring, so I can step on it whenever I walk around. It would be a perfect version of revenge of mine to humiliate him enough, only if he is a person who have common sense, but the size of the stone is too big for my toe, and will not happen... Unfortunately, I have small toes... ha ha The idea makes me feel better already, and I am smiling in tears...

I am not hiding from people, but have no interest or energy to do anything now. I called for sick in the morning. I will stay home for a week to pass this difficult time. I think I will be better off being by myself now. For some reason, I feel so shameful, and deeply disgraced, and not too good enough to face people who know me. I am just crying, and feel so sorry for everything happened. I know I should work it out with this feeling.

Thanks much for your warm heart! So nice of you.

Every break up is tough. Furthermore, you're still in the early stages of a break up, so it's natural to rethink all the past actions and mistakes. I suggest that you keep your mind as occupied as possible so that you DON'T have to reflect on what happened.

1.5 years is a long time. I'm sure you've had some ups and downs. If you focus too much on the downs, it will really hurt. Why not remember the good stuff and let the rest go. Be glad that you found out all these bad things about him, now, rather than later. Try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. Now you're free as a bird! Free of all the lies and deceit.

Why not remember the good stuff and let the rest go

Good things...
Iwish, all was good until Friday. I know he was in love, he told me how amazing relationship he has until last week. He told me I was the sweetest person he ever seen always. Our sex has been bliss for both of us from the beginning till last week. I am reasonably self independent person, respected his space while I enjoyed my friends and work. What I do not understand is why he started to cheat on me while he was happy. I have been so supportive whatever he does. There was no warning sign as I try hard to remember, except he was not available every Friday since a couple month ago on and off. It cannot be all that acting... for that long, and he was very passionate & sweet to me. I am very confused what to believe and what not to believe anymore... It is really mess.

The were no signs of the bad things to come because he hid them really well. So be glad that you had some happy times, but also be glad that you found out the truth. It's a mess because you keep thinking about why you didn't see the signs. Part of you must feel disappointed for not being able to read through him during that 1.5 year. But like someone said earlier, better late than never.

Learn from the experience and move on. There's a lot to look forward to in life, so don't look backwards anymore. Keep your head in front, or else you're going to miss things that fly by you.

I know it's tough and getting over someone is easier said than done, but it can be done! Just believe in yourself. Don't dwell on the past. Don't add to the confusion anymore. Leave it all behind you and move forward.

Rebecca,

This is all very fresh and new still. It's going to take time and you will feel awful for a while. A lot of what you are saying reminds me of what I went through recently. I wasn't cheated on, but was lied to and felt deceived by someone who I had previously thought was a great partner. The relationship had been great (I thought) and I saw no signs until the end. I know how much you are hurting now. I couldn't eat or sleep at first, either. I had to grieve first and felt depressed, but then I got angry. After that, I was able to accept it and knew that I was going to come out better in the end. Reading threads on here was a huge help to me. I got a lot of insight, and more importantly found ways to deal with my loss constructively. If you haven't seen this thread, it was the one that helped me in the beginning to figure out what to do. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-breakup-after-5-years-359578.html

When I couldn't sleep, I came to this board and would read for hours. The posts gave me hope and helped me realize that I had done nothing wrong and I deserved better. I made notes as I read - books I wanted to read, things I wanted to accomplish, and some of the statements I read that really impacted me. I came up with a plan of how to proceed, and that gave me a lot of empowerment.

It all takes time, though. It's been almost 2 months for me now, and I can truly say I am doing well. You will have setbacks, but they too will pass. I hope you will find the strength and courage to get through this and realize that you too deserve better.

When I couldn't sleep, I came to this board and would read for hours. The posts gave me hope and helped me realize that I had done nothing wrong and I deserved better. I made notes as I read - books I wanted to read, things I wanted to accomplish, and some of the statements I read that really impacted me. I came up with a plan of how to proceed, and that gave me a lot of empowerment.

Justlooking,
I am so touched. I agree this board helps me a lot, actually a single source for me for now, gives me assurance & emotional support. It is good to find warm people on this board who have gone through the same path, and try to help me to get through. I would read the stories for hours just like you did to find the strength & constructive plans when I cannot sleep. Gee, I am crying again... Thanks a lot.

I do not know how you pick the attached story, but guess what. He is also very obsessed with fame & fortune, career driven, and hate to loose anything in any competition. For him, everyday is a competition, and I was his best trophy he was so proud of. I treated him sweet & loyal, and I stayed in low key to comfort his stressed out ego. I never thought I would end up to be cheated!

He and I both came from good family, shared a lot common interest, and had no doubt we will have great future together (as I thought). It is gone now, and it is useless for me to keep talking about it. I feel like an idiot... Right now though I hate him the most. I just cannot accept that he dare to went out with other girls behind of my back. Deception, deception and deception every Friday... not forgivable in life time.

I unplugged home phone, turned off cell phone, and chained my door. My best friend at work just emailed me that he called her & asked if I was at work. She asked me what was going on. I replied to her, do not bother to talk to him in future since we are over...

I need sleep, but cannot sleep... I am sort of dozed off, but wake up every 5 minute as frightened.

Hi all,
I have a fundamental question for you.
He cheated on me for some reason. I am facing it, and accept it.
If he meets someone "the real one" in future, will he be faithful?
In terms, is it me or him in this cheating incident?
I will appreciate your honest insight. I am scared, but am ready to accept the truth to move over without denial.

I believe there is no "real one" for anybody.

You didn't make him cheat. He had the choice to, and he chose to do it. He is the weak one. You are the strong one.

I believe there is no "real one" for anybody.

You didn't make him cheat. He had the choice to, and he chose to do it. He is the weak one. You are the strong one.

Thanks. I appreciate it. What a relief!

When everything settles down, dear, you will see so many things. You just need to focus on making your life as amazing as you can. Without this jackass ruining it any more.


Spread your wings

I agree with DerelictHerds. I don't think there is a "one". I think there are many possibilities out there for each of us, and when we find someone who is compatible it takes communication, honesty, and trust (among other things) to make a relationship work. The man you are talking about did none of those things. You did all of those things. It's him - not you. Without some major change and insight on his part, he will continue to make mistakes. He is not honorable.

I know it is difficult to sleep at first, but you need to find a way to do that, to eat healthy, and to generally take care of yourself. Make sure you eat at least three times a day, foods that are good for you, even if you don't feel like eating. I found the best way to sleep was to wear myself out - I worked harder at work, and I exercised daily (which I normally do, but as much as I wanted to lay around and feel sorry for myself I made myself exercise). If you can find something to relieve your stress, it will be really helpful. For me, it was playing racquetball - hitting that ball as hard as I could against the wall felt so good. Find a way to laugh if you can - I turned to friends, movies and even the humor section of this board. There are some really funny people here. I also laugh a lot when I play racquetball, just because I'm having so much fun. Finding the fun in life helps so much.

One other thing - he's already called looking for you. Be aware that he may not give up easily. My ex hounded me for weeks. Don't let him get to you. I read my thread over many times. It gave me strength. Every time I read it, I knew I had done the right thing for me.

paxe,
How did you end the relationship? How did you cope?

She actually ended it and played with me for 2 months and lied to me. I went to a trip and when I came back I didn't want to be with her, though she was already with that other guy she cheated on me. This is only a small summary.

In the beginning it wasn't easy, I had diarrhea, hair loss and white hair growing ( the pain and shock was huge ). But like a robot I followed advices without thinking about it, meaning going out, doing sport and socializing. I was better after 2 weeks and so will you. Don't stay at home, go out and train and do some sport, it's probably one of the best thing that helped me cope with it.

It left me deep scars, I knew I couldn't trust any future girlfriend and I would end up sleeping with them and not calling back, hence doing them lots of pain. I took my time before finding another girlfriend and I'm still taking my time and I'm taking care of myself.

paxe,
I can feel your pain. I am not sure I am crying for your pain or mine at this moment. I wish your best luck. Cheers and thanks...

One other thing - he's already called looking for you. Be aware that he may not give up easily. My ex hounded me for weeks. Don't let him get to you. I read my thread over many times. It gave me strength. Every time I read it, I knew I had done the right thing for me.

Justlooking,
Thanks for your wise advice. I think it is impossible for me to go back to him no matter what he does, not because I am so perfectly determinded person, but I just simply cannot touch the person anymore. It is so disgusting. I kept washing my hands since saturdy...

When everything settles down, dear, you will see so many things. You just need to focus on making your life as amazing as you can. Without this jackass ruining it any more.


Spread your wings

Yes, I am looking for my wings under my arms... but they are not visible at this moment... will find them soon I hope. Thanks for your kind words.

paxe,
I can feel your pain. I am not sure I am crying for your pain or mine at this moment. I wish your best luck. cheers and thanks...

Thanks! I'm actually 100 times much better and I have almost no pain, just scars but they do heal, right? Take life easy but do try to get active and not sit at home. Try to get some friends of family to see you, they are always there to help.

paxe,
I am glad you are better now. Thanks, and I am going to see my friends this weekend if I feel better. I know I need to open my chest to relese this stress. Thanks much.

Seeing your friends would be a good thing as you ll be able to both get things off your chest and also do things to keep your mind off the situation.
Are you feeling a bit better today?

Day 5
He started to knock my door around 8 pm last night. He is keep saying "I know you are there..." over my door, and finally left by 9 pm. Just after he left, I went out, collected the flower in front of my door, and dumped them in the trash can. He left 7 voice mails over night. Well, his voice has been changed to desperate. He is keep saying that he loves me, I am the best thing happen to him, he does not want to see us apart because of his silly flirting with random girls. He said it was purely his mistake. Oh, sure. Do I have to thank him because he did not say he had meaningless sex with them? What a manipulator...

Day 6
He sent me series of emails at 4 am just like what he did when he started to chase me 1.5 years ago. He sent me music clips, and the puppy pictures we recently viewed for future adoption. He asked me if I like to go out for puppy shopping. If we buy a puppy, he says we would need to move in together to take care of the puppy. He obviously knows what button he has to press to make me weak... Well, is he what he did to get other girls online as well?

I feel like I am under attack by a stranger who wants to take my bare heart again for his own benefit... I got flu & high fever somehow, lay down like vegetable all day long. I know it is useless, but I am keep thinking how he could do it to me. He was so territorial, took care of me hard, did not allow me wear any low cut blouse or revealing dress if I was not with him. He would pick up a fight if any guys stare at me hard at a club. Whenever I could not answer his call for some reason, he would be very upset, and asked me where I was until he completely satisfied. He needed to know every move of mine, and I took it as a strong sign of love. But he dated other girls meantime behind of my back? He has clearly double standard in his mind. I do not know him anymore. I must dated a wolf under sheap skin. I feel like I was mopped... I know I am in circle... need to get out, but feel helpless.

So not only a cheater but an emotionally abusive controlfreak.
You re well shot of him!
And now it sounds as if he may turn into a stalker-sorry but he can't be allowed to turn up outside your door night after night-call the police if he persists.

I just had a lock smith came over, and got a new lock on my door. I should be able to sleep in peace without worrying about him to enter my place from now on.

Hey you, you just lost the privilege to enter my place.

Seeing your friends would be a good thing as you ll be able to both get things off your chest and also do things to keep your mind off the situation.
Are you feeling a bit better today?

amicon,
I think I got stomach flu, and my body does not want to accept any food. Actually physical pain is easier to deal with... I will take some medicine from my cabinet. I will force myself go out this weekend, since it will the first weekend as I am single after long 1.5 years of committed relationship (to a wrong person). I do not want to be alone this weekend. Thanks a lot... so kind of you.

Your body s reacting to the shock of it all-thats normal.
Just look after yourself and keep posting.

Stress and upset are probably adding to the effects of the flu. I hope you are getting plenty of liquids and taking care of yourself. (I am a mother can you tell? :) )

This individual sounds like he has been watching too many romantic comedies if he thinks any of that would work. If his actions weren't so pathetic, I would be tempted to laugh at him. As it is, I think I pity him because he has no clue about real life and relationships.

There is no need to blame yourself for any of this. From what you are saying, I am guessing that he came on strong in some areas like the emails and slowly undermined your self-confidence in others. Undermining by its very nature only works if it is done slowly and carefully so that the person doesn't notice until it is too late. However, YOU did notice and did something about it. You are doing something about it.

You really need to block his emails. Hopefully, if they aren't delivered he gets a message saying that his emails were blocked. Same thing with his phone number.

Have you talked to your family yet? Is there someone who could stay with you while you are sick? Talking to them may also take some of the stress off and help you feel better not only emotionally but physically.

Your body s reacting to the shock of it all-thats normal.
Just look after yourself and keep posting.
amicon,
I thought so too. Thanks.

By the way, I do not talk to him, and will not say stop stalking either. Are you suggesting I should call police by myself without noticing him? It seems harsh. Any better suggestions? He is known as my boyfriend for years by nationhood, and nobody will stop him to wondering around my place. It is annoying, but not threatening so far.

If he keeps going overboard, you should consider calling the cops and getting a restraining order.

1) Change your phone number.
2) Block him on email so that you don't receive his emails anymore.
3) Call the cops if he keeps knocking on your door to catch him in the act.

This sounds extremely controlling and boarderline abusive. I can't even imagine what he would do if he actually did get through to you.

This sounds extremely controlling and boarderline abusive. I can't even imagine what he would do if he actually did get through to you.

Iwish, what do you expect? What would be in the worst scenario? Thanks.

Iwish, what do you expect? what would be in the worst scenario? thanks.

I would say, physical abuse. But let's not find out or give him the chance. The first step is to continue to ignore him until he gets the hint. Hopefully he goes away naturally.

I still suggest you change phone numbers and block him from your email, regardless.

If his behavior persists, then we'll have to take action and involve the police.

You have done so well to protect your heart, but you must also protect your mind, body and soul. You are just finding out about his dark side, so don't assume he is harmless, and will just go away.

To add to what IWish has said, you must tell all who know, you that your single, and make those close to you aware of his actions. That is to protect you, and keep him away from you, because honestly, as he manipulated you into a bad position for his own game, he will not hesitate to do it to others, and blame you.

I am not trying to scare you at all, just caution you to be wise in taking care of yourself. No one knows how far an abuser will go, but I do know they can go over the top, to get what they want, so be alert, and aware, and don't take your safety for granted. Better safe, than sorry, so don't hesitate to call your family, AND the police, if he persists. One of the leading causes of violence to females, are from known males who didn't want to let go.

Just a word to the wise.

From what you ve only so recently learned about him you ve come to realise that he was not at all the man you thought he was.
This means that you should be careful and make sure you re safe.
From your posts it appears he looked upon you as a trophy which is not a good sign.

Rebecca,

It seems our stories continue to be similar. As I mentioned to you, my ex hounded me for weeks. I just thought I'd tell you some of the things I did to protect myself.

1. I had an escort to and from my car at work. It was one of the places he knew he could approach me, and he did.
2. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I wanted no contact, and spelled out explicitly what that meant.
3. I didn't block his e-mails, phone calls, etc. because I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I didn't respond to any of them in any way.
4. When he continued to harrass me, I had my attorney write him a letter telling him the next step was a restraining order. I did that so he was warned and I had proof of that.
5. I kept all the letters, emails, phone and text messages, cards, etc. as proof should I need it.

At least for now, you might want to consider changing your normal routines - e.g. shop at different stores, eat at different restaurants, etc. Keep your eyes open. Good luck.

One of the leading causes of violence to females, are from known males who didn't want to let go.

I wish, Tala, just looking and all,
Thanks for your advanced & proactive concern and advice.
It seems it is getting worse, and I am getting bitter taste. Is his visit to my door (?) seem too off? It is only the 1st week of breakup. I think we were over, have refused any means of contact, and he must be frustrated. He obviously think he still has a second chance, and he is trying hard now. I guess you are seeing me at risk by his obsession. My question is if he was so obsessed, why did he even start the game?

I guess what you guys are saying is, he might try forcefully to talk to me, grab me, contact me physically, or enter my place somehow. Right? I will keep it in my mind to proactively protect me. Be honest, sigh, if I encounter him in front of my apartment or work against my will, it will not be pleasant anymore, or even worse, I will feel somewhat frightened. Sigh... What a dramatic change even less than in a week... He was suppose to be my life time partner.

I will do my best to be alert. Thank you for your kind advice. However, I do not foresee any possibility of physical abuse. I know he is obsessed, frustrated and desperate. He played his game, but does not want to loose me easily at this moment. I am seeing his visit as annoying & useless, but not threatening at this point. Ironically, he is a professional in legal field by himself, well educated and far from stupid, and he should know his limit. I guess he will visit my door for a while as daily routine to check out on me. But he has to get the message, and give in eventually. I do not foresee our case as domestic violence. It is way too low & ugly.

He is keep saying that he does not understand why he cannot talk to me anymore. What an idiot. He does not know why? He seems he is losing his control over desperation. It seems he is not able to concentrate on work either just like me.

I like to assure you guys I know how to take care of myself. Physical abuse will not happen. Thanks a lot. You guys are wonderful, and really care about me.

Rebecca,

I totally understand how you feel. My ex was a criminal defense attorney with an Ivy League education. I didn't want to have a restraining order issued because I didn't want to affect his career, but I was concerned. That was why I had my attorney give him proper notice. I was also able to arrange to be out of town for several weeks for work, which helped me to feel safer. I wonder if you could even get away this weekend so you could get some proper sleep and fight off that flu feeling.

What we are saying is to be careful and protect yourself. He may not do anything, but you just don't know for sure. A month before I broke up, I thought my ex was the greatest guy ever. Now I know he has a dark side.

Rebecca,

I totally understand how you feel. My ex was a criminal defense attorney with an Ivy League education. I didn't want to have a restraining order issued because I didn't want to affect his career, but I was concerned. That was why I had my attorney give him proper notice. I was also able to arrange to be out of town for several weeks for work, which helped me to feel safer. I wonder if you could even get away this weekend so you could get some proper sleep and fight off that flu feeling.

What we are saying is to be careful and protect yourself. He may not do anything, but you just don't know for sure. A month before I broke up, I thought my ex was the greatest guy ever. Now I know he has a dark side.

Oh, my goodness... my hart is pounding... what was his dak side?
Was he obssesed and physically abused you?

oh, my goodness... my hart is pounding... what was his dak side?
Was he obssesed and physically abused you?

I'm not trying to scare you, but just want you to take this seriously.

I didn't give him a chance. I was lucky enough to live in a gated community so he couldn't knock on my door. I had the escort at work. I changed my habits as I suggested to you. I went out of town on business for a few weeks. He was doing what your ex is doing - constant phone calls, emails, text messages, sending flowers and cards, showing up to try and talk to me, and all of this after I explicitly told him not to contact me. The reason I broke up with him is that I found out he had not been honest about his sexual desires, and they turned out to be very extreme. When he leveled with me, I broke up with him. Given that and his obsessive behaviors, I was concerned. Don't be scared, just be aware and protect yourself. I think my situation is extreme, but I never would have guessed it would go this way. You just want to be aware.

I think that if you ignore him long enough, he will give up. But make sure you don't have any interaction with him, because that would give him false hope and he would continue the pressure tactics.

Just looking,
I just read your story, and learned you handled your situation very well. I admire you. You did exactly right thing. There is a certain line between we can accept or should not accept in each relationship, and your judgment was just right. I hope you are healed well from the rare & extreme experience. It must be a shock for you. Thanks for helping me with your wisdom.

I think the problem of my ex (ha ha I am calling him as ex at the first time in my life) is in his childish desire of showmanship. He is very demonstrative, and he enjoys to demonstrate affection in public. It is not extremely abnormal, but for example, if we are in sports game stadium, while TV camera rolls & scan viewers, he would passionately kiss me for long hours until the camera catches us and air it in national TV. Sigh... He would kiss me in busy restaurants or on the streets. I told him it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, and he told me he likes to do it because he wants to show off beautiful girlfriend... In bed, he is normal... For Him, he is viewing himself in public eyes, and the 'public' boosts his ego and happiness. He enjoys to woo people, and that's why he cheated online in my best guess. It would give him excitement if he woos girls with his profession & charms online. It does not matter if he actually slept with them or not, if he puts his time and energy to woo other girls behind of back, it is definitely cheating. It is possibly repeatable unless he changes his mindset, and for me it is not acceptable.

He is childish... that's what I can say. He is not ready for marriage.

He is your ex indeed and you ve given many reasons he is. I hope you can start healing now that you see him for the pathetic person that he is.
Personally I think that justifiable anger helps us move on as we can realise that we don't want to be with anyone who doesn't treat us with the respect we deserve.

A cheater is a cheater, we only learn this truth the hard way and at great pain. We can rationalize as much as we want as to "why" they cheat, but there is no justification for such an act.

I really understand your pain, I really do, but there are much better people out there like you.

You are actually handling your situation well, except for well the trauma that our body is having. You need to drink a lot of fluids and especially water and you need to eat, even if it's a little bit.

Day 7
Last night, he did his daily routine, rang my door bell, knocked my door, begged me over the door, please open the door for me crap. He said he was sorry. It was the first time he verbally said he was sorry. In our 1.5 years of relationship, I do not recall he ever said he was sorry for any thing. He is keep sending me emails to ask just let him know what he has to do to make it work, and he will do whatever it takes all night. He was keep sending our song.

For flowers, he changed his tactic, sent flower man to my apartment, and make sure I receive them in person. No difference to me, because it will go to the trash can directly anyway. Only difference is I am getting calls from door man in my building. I told the door man, dump it, and doorman was keep asking me "don't you have to see it at least before I dump it?" I said no.

It is Friday. I have been in the my place since Tuesday, but it seems forever... I am getting weak somehow. My mind is keep thinking about our vacation, and lovely moments we had together. It is like I am seeing a movie in my head. After I dump him, someone will be in his arms, in his dashing sports car, take vacation with him, and he will make love to the person... It makes me really crazy even though I hate him... It really hurts. I started to cry again helplessly.

I finally reached the point I have to something, and printed out big posters, which says

HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

And taped them all over in my apartment.

How do you guys deal with the idea "your ex will be with someone else if you leave"? I am in massive pain...

Why haven't you blocked him on email yet? Let us know if you need help figuring out the feature/option on your email account.

Secondly, don't go near the door when he's ringing or knocking, so that you don't have to hear his voice. Just stay in another room, turn on some music, have a friend(s) over, watch TV, stay on the computer, etc.

If he finally said sorry and changed the way he's sending you flowers, then he's changing up his tactics and running out of ideas. Just keep ignoring him, he'll eventually run out of ideas and get the hint.

Stay strong-remember WHY you don't want to be with him.
Don't fall for any Im sorry s!

Don't regret your actions, it's the worst thing you can do. Keep it up! Think of YOURSELF, not him, think about losing weight, what you want to it, what you want to do and when you are going out, this is how I cope with "she is seeing someone else". I have other interest in life then her.

So he is slowly wearing you down huh? Then you better be more active in telling him, "LEAVE ME ALONE", otherwise he will persist until he gets what he wants.

So he is slowly wearing you down huh?? Then you better be motr active in telling him, "LEAVE ME ALONE", otherwise he will persist until he gets what he wants.


By talking to him, it will give him the chance to express himself. Furthermore, it can give him false hope, because this guy doesn't seem to be able to take a hint. It would be best to avoid any direct communication to avoid adding to the confusion and to avoid him over-analyzing and misinterpreting her attempt at talking to him, regardless of what she says.

If we need to send him a clearer message, then I would suggest a neutral third party, deliver the message to tell him to leave her alone.

TAL & I WISH,
To compromise your advice, will it be a better idea to print out the sign "LEAVE ME ALONE" and tape it on my door?

It is Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday. It is the 1st weekend after breakup, and it will be really hard for me. It is 10:30 am Friday, and just started to pack. I will leave by 5 pm to friend's house, and will stay with her for weekend. I cannot believe I am suffering this much for his fault.

If you have a doorman, inform him that the ex is no longer an approved visitor. That should help with some of your problems.

You really need to get out and get some fresh air. Staying couped up isn't helping your mental or physical well-being. Take a short walk or a quick trip to the grocery store.

Do you still have the clothes that he didn't like? Put some on. Fix your hair and makeup the way you like it to be. Allow yourself to look and feel like the woman you know you are. The woman that he tried to change into someone else.

When you think of him with another woman, feel sorry for that woman. What he did and attempted to do to you, he will do to her. He isn't going to change his habits. He probably sees no need to.

I am actually wondering how much of his persistence is an attempt at self-preservation. If your fathers are golfing buddies, he probably doesn't want his daddy knowing that his son is a womanizer. He possibly thinks that if he can get back in your good graces, you won't tell your family and his won't find out.

To compromise your advice, will it be a better idea to print out the sign "LEAVE ME ALONE" and tape it on my door?

That does sound like a good compromise. You need to send him a clear message, but avoid direct contact and your idea fits the bill.

I am actually wondering how much of his persistence is an attempt at self-preservation. If your fathers are golfing buddies, he probably doesn't want his daddy knowing that his son is a womanizer. He possibly thinks that if he can get back in your good graces, you won't tell your family and his won't find out.

Cat1864,
I already told my family last night. My mother was keep calling me why my phone was off, so had to tell her. It is too late for him to hide it. I have a feeling that something will happen this Saturday. I do not know which direction it will go, since it is out of my hand. My father & mother are quite, and I do not know what they are thinking or what they will do. I do not care. They may will not do anything, and will stay in silence. I do not know. I sincerely asked my family, please not to visit me until I visit them next week. I am not in a shape of seeing any one include my family. They agreed, but I know my mother. She will try to see me, so I am leaving to my friend's tonight. I am waiting until 5 pm until my friend comes back from her work... I even cannot drive, and she will pick me up... what a mess and pain...

When you think of him with another woman, feel sorry for that woman. What he did and attempted to do to you, he will do to her. He isn't going to change his habits. He probably sees no need to.

Cat1864,
It really helps me a lot. I have not thought about it. Thanks for brilliant advice. It dries my tears.

You re going away so whatever he does will only reflect upon him.
I hope you have a good weekend and feel better for being with your friend.
Keep us posted and take care.

Do you still have the clothes that he didn't like? Put some on. Fix your hair and makeup the way you like it to be. Allow yourself to look and feel like the woman you know you are. The woman that he tried to change into someone else.

Dear cat,
It is a really practical & good idea. I will be really beneficial to pmper myself as single sexy woman. I need to think me a single sexy woman again. I am actually free like a bird, I can do whatever I want, and have many choices now. What a nice surprise... I am going to visit some spa, pamper myself with friend this weekend. She will be on me.

You re going away so whatever he does will only reflect upon him.
I hope you have a good weekend and feel better for being with your friend.
Keep us posted and take care.


Yes, he will beg to my door like an idiot. I am trying to have a good weekend. Thanks for your kind support!

I hope you have a great weekend. :)

Don't regret your actions, it's the worst thing you can do. Keep it up! Think of YOURSELF, not him, think about losing weight, what you want to it, what you want to do and when you are going out, this is how I cope with "she is seeing someone else". I have other interest in life then her.

paxe,
Your advice makes me strong again. Thanks!

Confused Rebecca,
Do you know that Just Looking was attacked by her ex and she is in the hospital? I hope you will take good care of your own safety. Make sure you are not alone this weekend and if you can stay with your parents or friends, I would recommend it.
Take care.

Confused Rebecca,
Do you know that Just Looking was attacked by her ex and she is in the hospital? I hope you will take good care of your own safety. Make sure you are not alone this weekend and if you can stay with your parents or friends, I would recommend it.
Take care.

This has been a growing concern. Here's the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-looking-hospital-after-being-attacked-her-ex-401929.html

Be really careful. Your personal safety is the most important issue here. If you ever feel threatned, don't hesitate to seek help.

This has been a growing concern. Here's the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-looking-hospital-after-being-attacked-her-ex-401929.html

Be really careful. Your personal safety is the most important issue here. If you ever feel threatned, don't hesitate to seek help.

Yes. If you feel any anxiety at all about what he might do, listen to that.

Rebecca is out of town with a friend this weekend. She was leaving at 5:00 pm her time yesterday.

I really hope the pampering is helping her spirits. :)

Confused Rebecca,
Do you know that Just Looking was attacked by her ex and she is in the hospital? I hope you will take good care of your own safety. Make sure you are not alone this weekend and if you can stay with your parents or friends, I would recommend it.
Take care.


Good morning Asking, and all!
It is Monday morning.
Thank you for your concern. You guys are really nice to me, and I cannot thank enough.

My best girlfriend picked me up at 5:30 pm Friday, and I stayed in her place for whole weekend. You guys were right. It was much easier to deal with the pain with someone. I have a tendency to close up when I have any issues, and try to resolve it by my own, but I realized that it was not always right approach. I am so weak, and really need help right now to deal with it...

I am so fortunate I have such a wonderful & smart girlfriend! She, and her boyfriend, and my ex used to hang out together, she knows him well. She was so angry my ex cheated on me by flirting & dating girls online. I opened my chest, talked and cried with her all weekend. She told me my ex called her 3-4 times a day, and he seemed very depressed. She asked him what he did to me, and he only said that he did something very stupid, and he messed up big time.

My girlfriend comforted me, and gave me advice how to deal with it, and even told me her previous breakup story I never heard before. I guess she is trying to make me ffel better in her best.

Saturday morning, we went to spa as scheduled, but I could not enjoy it at all since my stomach was against the nice herb scent in the spa. We had to leave early, and visited a doctor's office. The doctor diagnosed it as not stomach flue even though the symptom is exactly same, and gave me some prescription. We picked up prescription medicine at a drug store, and stayed in her place all day Sunday. She forced me to take medicine, eat soup. She constantly distracted me not to dwell in my sorrow, and talked to me any silly joke to force me to laugh. I had to smile with tears sometimes. What a nice girl.

She is agreeing I need to break off because he went too far behind of back, it destroyed our trust and relationship, even though he is claiming he did not sleep with any of them.

The nicest thing was she let me sleep in her bed Friday, not in the guest room. I really needed warm physical contact from nice person, and her kind gesture made me fall in sleep well. Oh, gee... tears again...

I asked her if I can stay with her for another week in her place, and she said yes. I am so happy to stay here even! I have to go back to work tomorrow, but I am still at her place while she left to work. I am going back to my apartment by taxi, and pick up some stuff, and come back in the afternoon.

I have had no contact with anyone since my cell phone battery died since Friday. There is any news I am looking for at this point, and I feel better in this way. Thanks again!

Rebecca is out of town with a friend this weekend. She was leaving at 5:00 pm her time yesterday.

I really hope the pampering is helping her spirits. :)

Dear cat1864,
I had a good weekend, (alomost) pampered myself, and I feel better now. Thanks, you are so kind!

Good to hear you re better and staying on at your friends house.keep posting!

Yes. If you feel any anxiety at all about what he might do, listen to that.


Asking,
You are right. He must be extreamly frustrated. I do not need ugly scene now, and will be very cautious. Thanks a lot!

I am glad you had a mostly good weekend and are getting some human contact.

Take care. :)

LEAVE ME ALONE SIGN did not work.

I just came back to pick up my stuff.
Here is what I posted on my door when I left Friday.

Notice:
This entrance is for a loyal & faithful person only.
Please do not knock or ring for life time, if you are not qualified.

Well, I just saw my door. My ex decorated it like a 9/11 memorial board. On small yellow sticky paper, he wrote "I will not talk to other girls again. I am sorry - from your fiancé-" in handwriting, and put them in heart shape around the warning sign on my door. The sticky papers were about 70-80. He taped flowers & ribbons all around the warning sign as well. He must did it like a kindergarten project. He was never been my fiancé, ex boyfriend now, but I must admit it is very hilarious. I burst laugh.

I went downstairs to see our doorman, Dexter (not real name). He asked if I enjoyed the special arrangement on my door. Dexter is a big fan of my ex, because my ex is involved in a community project to help unfortunate young people, and Dexter came from the community. He has high respect on my ex. My ex was friendly with Dexter, treated him very well always. Oh, well...

I told Dexter, he is my ex now, and he is not approved to visit me anymore. Dexter was holding 3 flowers for me. I told him to dump them again. Dexter looked at my face with disbelief, but did not say anything.

My ex seems premature. He used to be always funny, and that 's why I attracted to him in the beginning. I do not think he will be harmful.

Be careful though he s still not got the message it seems. Make sure your doorman does his job!

Now, that Dexter knows, hopefully, he will not allow your ex in any more. Even if he doesn't understand. Instead, of dumping the flowers, maybe you could have Dexter hand them out to people who look like they need a lift. It might help Dexter to understand that you don't want to have anything to do with your ex and that you are giving him up to the world. Also, make certain that Dexter knows that anymore "displays" will not be taken kindly. That you consider it and the flowers harassment.

Be careful. The ex may not be as harmless as he seems. Sometimes, the ones that make us laugh are the most dangerous because we don't expect them to act out.

Instead, of dumping the flowers, maybe you could have Dexter hand them out to people who look like they need a lift.

Be careful. The ex may not be as harmless as he seems. Sometimes, the ones that make us laugh are the most dangerous because we don't expect them to act out.

How wise you are! I am amazed by you.
I should hand the flowers for someone who really appreciate them!!
I just phoned Dexter, and told him to use the flowers wisely for anyone needed. Dexter tld me he did not dump them yet. I am pretty sure there are so many unfortunate people use them well to lift their spirit.

Yes, I will be careful not to encounter the frustrated man.
Thank you so much. I learn so many things from this board everyday...

Service Recall from family

I checked out my voice mail.
My parents called me for service recall. It is family joke. They call themselves as factory, and offer lifetime warranty to kids whether we want it or not... They do whenever kids seem have troubles, and like to catch the moment & fix the issues as parents.
I will hold it off right now. It can be wait for a week at least, and I need to buy sometime to regain myself...

Your ex is pretending he doesn't get the message that the relationship is over. This is worrisome. He's also involving Dexter in attempts to ignore your boundaries. Also not good. Keep your guard up and stay in regular touch with friends and family who know where you are at all times.

I don't see anything wrong with telling Dexter that your ex cheated on you, it's definitely over, and that he is definitely not allowed into the building anymore. You don't have to go into detail, but Dexter may need to understand that this is not just a lovers' spat.

I know we are all a little anxious now, since Just Looking, but please be careful.

I like Cat's advice.

I love the Service Recall! That is so sweet. :)

I think it is good that you want to fix your own problems. Just don't totally shut the family out.

Maybe have some sort of compromise so that they know you are trying to be a mature woman and handle your own problems, but that you appreciate their being there to support you even if it isn't direct involvement right now.

I love the Service Recall! That is so sweet. :)

I do too. It is sweet indeed.
I am fortunate to have my parents who have been happily married for 32 years. I have 2 brothers who are very smart and decent, and we are very close. My younger brother is my favorite, still in law school, very funny & handsome man! My old brother is sweet as well, but he acts like my father(?), and I am not trying to spend too much time with him when I have an issue. I am the only girl, so naturally I am the daddy's girl.

I want to end up with happy marriage like my parents someday. I will do the samething to my kids in future.

Funny.
Dexter just intercom-ed, and told me that he already used the flowers even last time for people in nursing home in his neiborhood when I said to dump.
I am glad he did. It seems I am the only one missed out the point...

Your ex is pretending he doesn't get the message that the relationship is over. This is worrisome. He's also involving Dexter in attempts to ignore your boundaries. Also not good. Keep your guard up and stay in regular touch with friends and family who know where you are at all times.

I don't see anything wrong with telling Dexter that your ex cheated on you, it's definitely over, and that he is definitely not allowed into the building anymore. You don't have to go into detail, but Dexter may need to understand that this is not just a lovers' spat.

I know we are all a little anxious now, since Just Looking, but please be careful.

I like Cat's advice.

Asking,
It seems my ex is in denial, and sees the situaiton as fixable.

I am still enjoying the "Service Recall." :) I smile every time I think of it.

Not sure what you mean by your older brother being like your father. I can guess, but I might be way off...

You're doing great until know! It's really nice you're getting around. I do hope you're getting more sleep, food and especially drinks (not alcohol).

I am still enjoying the "Service Recall." :) I smile every time I think of it.

Not sure what you mean by your older brother being like your father. I can guess, but I might be way off...

Please enjoy the service recall then :)

My older brother is only 1 year older than me, but always acts like he is much older than his age & has enough life experience just like my father has.
He would say "you are too young, and are not aware of this, but..." funny? He has been that way since we were very young...

Lol My older bro s like that but I tend to ignore him.. .

he would say "you are too young, and are not aware of this, but..." funny? he has been that way since we were very young...

Ha! At what point is he going to realize how silly that sounds?
Funny but annoying.

He probably started imitating your father and now he's so used to the role doesn't realize... Maybe you can gently talk to him about it (sometime when there's nothing at stake). Or maybe tease him about how "old" he is.

Tuesday 8 AM
I came back to work early to catch up work after a week of unexpeted sick leave.
As I assumed, my work email and desk phone were filled with my ex's messages.
A flower arrangement was waiting for me at my desk, and his card says
"I hope you feel better. I am not doing well. Miss you...Can we talk? Love,"
How did he know I was sick? Was it wild guess?

Tuesday 8 AM
I came back to work early to catch up work after a week of unexpeted sick leave.
As I assumed, my work email and desk phone were filled with my ex's messages.
A flower arrangement was waiting for me at my desk, and his card says
"I hope you feel better. I am not doing well. Miss you...Can we talk? Love,"
How did he know I was sick? Was it wild guess?

If he called your work, they probably told him you were out sick. He, of course, took advantage of the situation to 'look' caring.

You need to let your work know that he is no longer part of your life.

Good luck catching up. :)

Hi Rebecca,

I doubt it was a guess. He got someone to tell him...

Do you have an attorney who could give him a call and make your message more clear?

If you don't have an attorney, find one today. I think an attorney should tell him very clearly to stop harassing you and stop stalking you. If that doesn't work, it's time for a restraining order.

Continue to be careful, especially leaving and entering your office and home, places where he could wait for you and try to create some drama. Those are places he knows you'll show up eventually. Make sure friends and family know what is happening and keep your cell phone charged and with you.

Do no talk to him.

He is operating from pure selfishness. You are valuable and he wants you back. But he doesn't remotely deserve you.

He is operating from pure selfishness. You are valuable and he wants you back. But he doesn't remotely deserve you.

I will keep it in my mind...

If he called your work, they probably told him you were out sick. He, of course, took advantage of the situation to 'look' caring.

I agree. If he really cared about me, why did he hurt me with disrespect?
He was acting... thanks again.

I really don't believe that any man should treat a woman like that. He sounds like an insensitive who is insecure.Its really sad and unfair that people are like this, but how can he possibly be faithful in the future if he isn't now. He will keep on doing this to you. Don't put yourself through this. He is a cheat!!
He has told you he has cheated!!
He told you that he won't be faithfull to you.
So as much as it may hurt, you should leave him with respect for yourself ;which you will loose, as I know from experience.

Don't cry over a guy who treats you like this.

He just wants the best of both worlds. This way, he can see if there is someone better than you out there and if not, you are his backup plan

In the meantime, you are sitting on the sidelines, getting played!

That's insane. I agree with everyone else on here. Be happy he is gone. You may have loved him, but he clearly does not love you enough to be with you. He just wants some fun, so be happy with what's happens. Don't cry for this boy anymore. He will realize his mistake one day, but by then, it would have been too late. Move on.

Good luck. You deserve better

Don't cry over a guy who treats you like this.

He just wants the best of both worlds. This way, he can see if there is someone better than you out there and if not, you are his backup plan

In the meantime, you are sitting on the sidelines, getting played!

Thats insane. I agree with everyone else on here. Be happy he is gone. You may have loved him, but he clearly does not love you enough to be with you. He just wants some fun, so be happy with whats happens. Don't cry for this boy anymore. He will realize his mistake one day, but by then, it would have been too late. Move on.

Good luck. You deserve better

Thank you backvy.
You are right. It hurts so much, but I cannot be with him anymore.

If you noticed, he is keep promising he will not cheat again for any forms ever. He told me that he was embarrassed when he was caught, tried to cover up he was talking, and acted out as bold, he would keep talking & dating other girls, but he did not mean it. He said it was more stupid behavior than online chatting.

However, it is too late. The sweet & passionate love I had for him was totally shattered, and it cannot be repaired anymore. I loved him the most as a man in my life. I did not have any doubt we would happily marry, and have beautiful kids together, and getting old together. We both have loving family, our family loved us as a most blissful couple, and we were considered the hot couple among our friends. Now all is gone.

I am still crying every night, not for missing him anymore, but for the scary emptiness, which the amazing love was gone for nothing so rapidly...
Can I ever fall in love again and love the one just like I did for him? I just hope I can do it again for the good person at this time.

Someone on this board has user name ash. Did she go though this emptiness?

I really dont believe that any man should treat a woman like that. He sounds like an insensitive who is insecure.Its really sad and unfair that people are like this, but how can he possibly be faithful in the future if he isnt now. He will keep on doing this to you. Dont put yourself through this. He is a cheat!!!!!!
He has told you he has cheated!!!
He told you that he wont be faithfull to you.
So as much as it may hurt, you should leave him with respect for yourself ;which you will loose, as i know from experience.

mcnillis,
You are right. No man should women like this. I did not deserve this. I gave him honor, love and caring, and he returned it with decption, lie and disrespect.

I already feel I move on a lot, see the distance between him and me. I am miles away from him now. I am still crying because I am so sorry what happened...

I am still crying every night, not for missing him anymore, but for the scary emptiness, which the amazing love was gone for nothing so rapidly...
Can I ever fall in love again and love the one just like I did for him? I just hope I can do it again for the good person at this time.

I don't know if it helps, but I think it is human to go through that emptiness at some point in time. I've been there and that emptiness is painful in ways that a physical injury can never be. It does lessen as you heal and add new feelings and memories. The important part is that you choose positive thoughts and happy memories. Filling the void with anger and hurt just keeps it aching and damaging to your own heart and mind.

Remember that this is still new. Remember that you just now started getting your life back on track by returning to work. As we will keep saying, give yourself time. How much time depends on the individual.

Let yourself heal and you will someday find a new love. It won't be the same. No two relationships are ever the same. However, it has a good chance of being better, stronger and even more fulfilling.

On another note, did you tell the people at work that you are no longer accepting calls, etc. from Mr. Ex?

Yesterday
Many co workers stopped by my office to say hello since they heard I was sick.
I look pale, lost 6LB, and it was just appropriate for the sick leave.
It is nice I have demanding job & nice people around at work.

My ex called a couple of times yesterday at my desk, I did not recognized the number on the caller id, accidentally answered and said hello, but just hung up after I found out it was him. He left voicemails and said he like to 'formally apologize' what he has done to me, and promised he would make it up for life time. I have no idea what he meant by "formal apology". My ex sent a flower arrangement & sandwiches by delivery man just before noon. I gave the sandwich to an intern in my office, who is college kid and always have huge appetite. He is wating his money for nothing.

Today
I came in office at 8 am. I removed the photo frame of me and my ex from my desk. It was heart wrenching to watch the smiling couple in the picture, which I can not associate myself anymore with. It was good time, and I had no doubt we would have happy marriage together. How insane...

I stopped wearing my ring since the breakup. My finger looks pale & lonely... Someday, 'a decent man who deserves me enough' will give me his pure heart & a pretty ring to me in future. Until then, I am moving forward step by step. Sigh...

One step at a time. :)

Make sure that the people at work know he is history. If there is a receptionist, make sure he/she knows not to put Mr. Ex through. You might even want him/her to redistribute the 'offerings' or, like with the sandwiches, do it yourself. Did it help you feel good to give the sandwiches to the college kid?

I agree that almost everyone experiences that emptiness at some point. The first love is special in many ways, but you can definitely fall in love again! The point is to love the right person, someone who will treat you with honor and respect and also cherish you and the relationship. Your ex sounds immature and it's not clear if he will ever grow up.

(I am hoping you taught him a lesson at least, but I don't know if the lesson he learns will be to be a more loyal mate or to be more secretive.)

Being hounded with gifts is bittersweet, since you do not want them and they are a constant reminder of him. But there will come a time when they stop and you may feel a renewed grief.

When a relationship ends, we may or may not miss the person, but we often experience a sense of failure. Plus we have so habits, like talking every day or similar. Bottom line, it is normal to feel awful. :( But be patient with yourself and try to do things that cheer you up and stick close to people who care about you. Life is sweet and you'll rediscover that soon.

Take care.

asking,
Everything you said is right. You said exactly what I feel now... I will stick with your word, "Life is sweet and you'll rediscover that soon." thanks,

-rebecca from grief -

You will be OK rebecca... and there is a better guy out there who deserves the love you have to give, someone who is faithful and who wants to be with you only. Its just a matter of time..

You will be ok rebecca... and there is a better guy out there who deserves the love you have to give, someone who is faithful and who wants to be with you only. Its just a matter of time..


Thank you for your kind assurance. I hope so.

Rebecca, take time for yourself. It's time to be selfish and dress the way you want to dress, eat what you want to eat, watch the movies that you want to watch, etc. and not worry about He (any "he") wouldn't like it or would prefer something different.

Someday, when you are ready, you will meet someone who treasures you for who and what you are-the whole you, not just this bit and that bit. It will take some time and patience, but you will find love again.

I am taking my own advice and I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He's been unhappy with my long working hours and has been making me feel inadequate. I don't need him.

Rebecca, take time for yourself. It's time to be selfish and dress the way you want to dress, eat what you want to eat, watch the movies that you want to watch, etc. and not worry about He (any "he") wouldn't like it or would prefer something different.

Someday, when you are ready, you will meet someone who treasures you for who and what you are-the whole you, not just this bit and that bit. It will take some time and patience, but you will find love again.

Cat1864,
I appreciate your suggestion, and yes, I am going to the direction.
I did not deserve endless pain. I will enjoy my life again. I am treasuring myself as much I deserved. My girl friend anxiously made a lot of plans for me, we will spend time together to have fun as we did before happy girls. We shopped yesterday, bought a bunch of pretty outfits and makeup. We will go to hair salon to get a new hair done. We are taking a yoga class once a week, already got an invitation for the top notch Irish Halloween party, we ordered the Sexy Genie custom for Halloween party last night. We will dress up, and will have fun at the party. We are talking about taking vacation to Aruba for Christmas. She appointed herself as my guidance & body guard, and I am giving her A+++ grade.

According to her, multiple guys already asked her to let them know if I am ready for date. She told me I have multiple secretive admirers in my company alone already. I never thought I would consider dating someone else before...
What a dramatic change again... Sigh

I am taking my own advice and I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He's been unhappy with my long working hours and has been making me feel inadequate. I don't need him.

makapuu,
I can imagine your sorrow... I feel for you. I think we deserver better person to be happy. Let them go if there are not with us 100%.

Best regards,

Rebecca

The Weakest & Begging Cheater?

My ex showed up at my work Friday around 6 pm.
I just took off form my office, walked to the parking lot with my wonderful girl friend. Unexpectedly, I found he was standing next to my car. I knew it was coming, but my heart was racing with anger again without control.
I refused to look at him. My girl friend stood just next to me firmly to protect me.

“Can we please talk?”
He was talking with sorrow. He was begging. He glanced my finger, found out the promise ring was gone, and he seemed shocked. I heard he was crying. I glanced him too, and found out he looked so awful. He did not shave, mal dressed, obviously lost weight, and had dark circles around his eyes… The confident & playful man, who made me the most miserable girl 2 week ago was completely gone, and there was a weak man stood there to beg me. It seemed so unrealistic. Is it really happening??

“I am not doing well…
I know I did wrong, very wrong.
I know I hurt you, did not respect you, lied to you, and put you down. I do not know why I did it, but I just fooled around. When you found it out, I should accept my wrong doing and apologize, but in stead I tried to be defensive. I do not have any intention to see any other girls. I did not sleep with any of them. I know I did very wrong, but I met 3 different girls only once each. You have all the right to be angry. Punish me. I will take it. But please forgive me. I do not want us break up. Please… I want to be with you for the rest of my life…”

He cried and cried in front of me and my girl friend.
I did not know what to do, and speechless. It was not what I expected. I stood there with blank mind, and looked at him with no idea what to say. Finally, my girl friend stepped between us, and told him
“we would think about it and let youknow. Bye now.”

My girl friend & I got in my car, I started it, and we left the parking lot. He stood there and watched us to leave. I had my suit case in my car, and planned to go back to my apartment, but I was so overwhelmed. She took me to her place again.
“He does look so awful. Something is wrong with him...” My girl friend is keep mumbling. Now, I am in her place with aching heart with different reasons.

I do not know what to do. I am very interrupted & shaken hard…
If he was really weak man, why even he tried to cheat on me? My mind is blank...

He has always been an insecure, womanizing, controlling child.

I am not really surprised that he looks bad and isn't taking care of himself. His world crumbled when you stood up to him. Someday, he will start to pull himself back together. Maybe he will even have improved himself. That is for someone else to find out, because I doubt the 'new' him would survive long before the 'old' came back out to play.

IF you had forgiven him and bought all the manure he was selling, then he would still be playing dating games and hiding it from you. Possibly even telling himself that since you 'forgave' him, he had every right to play around after all you let him.

BUT YOU DIDN'T. You stood up like a strong independent woman who can dress herself without help from a controlling little boy and said "Goodbye." Every time that you think about allowing him to get anywhere near you, remember that he had it all planned out to play as much as he wanted to until the wedding, EVEN AFTER, you found out about the dating sites, etc. His type doesn't change for the woman he has. They feel no need to because the woman takes them back no matter what they do.

Don't let yourself be pulled into a cycle of: caught, apologize and promise, try not to get, caught...

A person who holds you back to fulfill his own pleasures is a man not worth of waiting for. A girl like yourself who has class deserves a whole lot more. Enjoy this moment of freedom from that waste and live it up love.

Keep that head up =]

He took your loyalty for granted. Now he doesn't. If you went back, he'd be confirmed in his feeling that he has a right to do anything he wants and you'll put up with it, PLUS, he'll feel like you put him through hell and "owe" him something. Don't even think of going back. Listen to cat and bobby.

Be strong!

makapuu,
I can imagine your sorrow... I feel for you. I think we deserver better person to be happy. Let them go if there are not with us 100%.

Best regards,

Rebecca

Rebecca,
I'm right there with you. It's been about a week for me, and although not as dramatic, I did get a phone call. So what do you do with a man that has realized he did wrong? I'm very confused.

I still love him. I don't love him less because he flirts, I'm just mad at him for doing it. He doesn't flirt because he doesn't love me, he flirts because he a typical man. He said he didn't know it hurt me so much because in the past, I handled it OK.

I'm so confused. I know what you're going through. Love will guide us.

To all of you "confused" about your partners, let me tell you my story, it may help you all.

When my ex broke up with me, for 2 month she said she was confused and most probably wanted to go back with me. By that time, I didn't know she had cheated. Once I called it quit and when I was flirting with someone else, only then she wanted to go back with me. She played with me after that and she said she was going to wait for me when I left for 1 month for vacation. She was with someone else when I came back.

Our exes are desperate because they want what they can't have. They can't have you, so they feel despair. When they have you, they won't feel lonely and they will go back doing what they were doing.

To all of you "confused" about your partners, let me tell you my story, it may help you all.

When my ex broke up with me, for 2 month she said she was confused and most probably wanted to go back with me. By that time, I didn't know she had cheated. Once I called it quit and when I was flirting with someone else, only then she wanted to go back with me. She played with me after that and she said she was going to wait for me when I left for 1 month for vacation. She was with someone else when I came back.

Our exes are desperate because they want what they can't have. They can't have you, so they feel despair. When they have you, they won't feel lonely and they will go back doing what they were doing.

Sigh...
I got your point. So, long in short, I have no chpoice, but have to leave him completely forever whatever he does...
How sad is this...
It seems h's childish online fling destroyed both of us permanently... I can see he was totally wrecked badly...

Rebecca-whatever he is feeling now is his own fault.
He broke your trust and he is not the man you thought he was.
Remember he hurt YOU not the other way around.

He has always been an insecure, womanizing, controlling child.

I am not really surprised that he looks bad and isn't taking care of himself. His world crumbled when you stood up to him. Someday, he will start to pull himself back together. Maybe he will even have improved himself. That is for someone else to find out, because I doubt the 'new' him would survive long before the 'old' came back out to play.....

Yes, I think he was always insecure. I knew he was completely depend on me after the initial chasing game in our relaitonhsip. He chased very had to get me. When I gave him "boy friend" title, he was overwhelmed, and thrilled. He took all the reastaurants he ever known, he took me all the good places he ever went to, and showed me off. I never doubt he could do such a thing behind of my back. I was his trophy.
His childish online fling & 3 dates with random girls destroyed our future, and himself.
How stupid he was!!
Are you sure his "old hilself" will come out soon no matter what happened?



IF you had forgiven him and bought all the manure he was selling, then he would still be playing dating games and hiding it from you. Possibly even telling himself that since you 'forgave' him, he had every right to play around after all you let him.

BUT YOU DIDN'T. You stood up like a strong independent woman who can dress herself without help from a controlling little boy and said "Goodbye." Every time that you think about allowing him to get anywhere near you, remember that he had it all planned out to play as much as he wanted to until the wedding, EVEN AFTER, you found out about the dating sites, etc. His type doesn't change for the woman he has. They feel no need to because the woman takes them back no matter what they do. ....

Yes, when he admitted his oline fling, I did not even said a word. I ran into bathroom, washed my lips & hands with soap. I had to because it seemed so disgusting. He saw I was doing it with shock. After came out of the bathroom, I only said a word. "LEAVE".
No further disucssion or No chit chat what so ever since then.
I have not talked to him a word or looked at him since.
Even though I was so deeply wounded and hurt...



Don't let yourself be pulled into a cycle of: caught, apologize and promise, try not to get, caught....

Here is where I am struggling with. I taught him a hard lesson. So, another woman will take the benefit from it when she enters in his life. Right? How can I justify that?? Please help. Am I said to give him a lesson? That's it??

Rebecca-whatever he is feeling now is his own fault.
He broke your trust and he is not the man you thought he was.
Remember he hurt YOU not the other way around.

Amicon,
All you said is right. He degraded me, disgraced me, and disrespected me, while I gave him honor and love. He hurt not only me but himself too... How stupid & shallow he was!!

He did that to you-and he ll probably do the same to whomever he s with.
Its actually good if you ll excuse my using the word good that he showed his true colours now and not another couple of years down the line when you could have been married with children.
He s the big time loser here-not you.

He did that to you-and he ll probably do the same to whomever he s with.
Its actually good if you ll excuse my using the word good that he showed his true colours now and not another couple of years down the line when you could have been married with children.
He s the big time loser here-not you.

If I do not marry him, how will I know he will be faithful or not? Can you give me more strong evidence he will do it again even in marriage? Thank you for your all advice! It really helps & guide me.

He went behind your back with these girls he went on dates with and I'm guite sure he would have continued his little explorations had you not found him out.
He did this because he thought he could get away with it.
On the occasion when you confronted him he got angry and left.
He also said he didn't want a promiscuous girl-whilst thinking his behaviour was completely fine!
That to me is a dead give away.
You deserve so much better than this.

Amicon,
I must spread Reputation around.
It is excellent insight, and you are giving me the light during confusing & drastric time!
You are saving my life indeed!

Thank you Im glad you feel comforted by our posts.keep posting whenever you feel the need.

He went behind your back with these girls he went on dates with and I m guite sure he would have continued his little explorations had you not found him out.
He did this because he thought he could get away with it.
On the occasion when you confronted him he got angry and left.
He also said he didnt want a promiscous girl-whilst thinking his behaviour was completely fine!
That to me is a dead give away.
You deserve so much better than this.

I cannot agree anymore!

A guy who doesn't appreciate what he has, doesn't deserve to keep it.


Here is where I am struggling with. I taught him a hard lesson. So, another woman will take the benefit from it when she enters in his life. Right? How can I justify that?? Please help. Am I sad to give him a lesson? That's it??

The other side of the coin is will he change his behavior enough to be a good partner in the future?? Until he does, if he does you'll never know, nor should you care any more. He had his chance and blew it, but the good news is, you didn't put up with his bad behavior. That's important for you to know NOW!

I know your hurting, and emotional, but time will make you see that getting rid of him, and standing your ground will make you a better partner for a deserving, and appreciative real man.

Hi Rebecca,

I know how upsetting it is to see him like that. But he will get better on his own.To be brutally frank, if you took him back, he would see that as him having got away with what he was doing and it being sort of okay.

If you don't take him back, he MIGHT learn a lesson from it and be more faithful with some future woman, but not with you. (And he still might not learn his lesson.) That seems unfair, but reality isn't always fair.

With future women, I think he'll be more careful, hiding things carefully, but his entitlement is so strong that I doubt he'll ever be truly faithful. Just my opinion. No. None of us can truly know what he'll do. But do you want to gamble your happiness on a man who has shown such indifference to you? He did not cherish you or treat you with respect.

It wasn't just what he did (whatever that was), but how he handled it when you found out. His attitude and cruelty were disgraceful. You did the right thing.

And I want to emphasize finally that even though NOW he is saying he just went on some harmless dates, you don't know what he was doing. Why would he admit anything more than he already had?

A guy who doesn't appreciate what he has, doesn't deserve to keep it.

I agree with you. That's why I broke off immediately and never talked to him again for the past 2 weeks.


The other side of the coin is will he change his behavior enough to be a good partner in the future??? Until he does, if he does you'll never know, nor should you care any more. He had his chance and blew it, but the good news is, you didn't put up with his bad behavior. Thats important for you to know NOW!!

This is a sad part. It seems he is desperate, had hard time, and learned the lessons enough. But I am not a god, and I do not know how deeply he has been changed, or how he will behave in future. If I forgive & marry him as he suggested, he may stay as faithful (I wish), but he may will cheat on my back again (that holds me off from back to him).
I agree with you he had his chance, and blew it for stupid attampt.
However, my goal is not blowing him off to protect my ego. I want to land on a successful relationship and marriage. I still love him, he spent so much time and effort to have me (but failed recently), and gave me the promise ring in the cruise. He still wears the promise ring.. Our family is already interacting very well, and the gound was all set for marriage. He was so sweet and gentle when he were together. I was so proud of him.
I will be very resentful if I changed him already, but does not take him back, and he will land on another woman for my cost as rebound…



I know your hurting, and emotional, but time will make you see that getting rid of him, and standing your ground will make you a better partner for a deserving, and appreciative real man.

You are so kind. I hope so. I manage myself very well, have been faithful and loyal. I deserve the best man not the second one. But is this man already changed, I do no mind to keep him… I am in deep dilemma…

Rebecca, if you take him back, he will only learn that you will give in to what he wants. It may take time but that you would 'forgive' him every time he wanted to play.

The extremely hard lesson you are teaching him is that NO REAL WOMAN will put up with the games he wants to play.

You are a real woman. He couldn't handle that so he tried to make you into his doll that he could take down and play with when he chose that no other person could get close to. He tried remaking the real you into someone who would let him have his fun as long as he made a very empty promise that he would stop after the wedding. People who think that way don't change after the wedding. They are the ones caught with a guest or waitress/waiter in some dark corner going at it like rabbits. From what I understand it makes for a very interesting wedding reception.

IF you ever think of taking him back remember that he ultimately did not want you but what he could make you into.

Don't let your heart rule your head. If this had happened to one of your friends what would your advice be to them?
How could you ever truly trust this man again? A mature decent person who loves their partner does NOT go behind their back-thats the action of a coward -a player who wants to eat his cake and keep it.
Sorry if Im harsh but that's my take on his behaviour.

Rebecca, if you take him back, he will only learn that you will give in to what he wants. It may take time but that you would 'forgive' him every time he wanted to play.

The extremely hard lesson you are teaching him is that NO REAL WOMAN will put up with the games he wants to play.

You are a real woman. He couldn't handle that so he tried to make you into his doll that he could take down and play with when he chose that no other person could get close to. He tried remaking the real you into someone who would let him have his fun as long as he made a very empty promise that he would stop after the wedding. People who think that way don't change after the wedding. They are the ones caught with a guest or waitress/waiter in some dark corner going at it like rabbits. From what I understand it makes for a very interesting wedding reception.

IF you ever think of taking him back remember that he ultimately did not want you but what he could make you into.

Everything you said is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
I am heart broekn, because there is no way to go back! It hurts me like hell...
I am crying again... and again...

And its very much OK to cry its healthy and it s what you need to do when your heart gets broken.
Are you still at your good friend's house?

And its very much ok to cry its healthy and it s what you need to do when your heart gets broken.
Are you still at your good friend's house?

amicon,
I am still at her house, but am planningto go back to my place tonight. Thanks...

Everything you said is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
I am heart broekn, because there is no way to go back! It hurts me like hell...
I am crying again...and again...

I know it hurts and emotionally the desire to make the pain go away is to think that he is the only one. Sadly, if you did give into those thoughts, you would be back here in a matter of days or weeks wondering why you took him back because either he started his dating service again or you are afraid he did. That pain would eclipse what you feel right now.

Laughter is great medicine, but Time is the healer. Would it surprise you to realize it hasn't even been a month since you joined us? It has been even less time since you rejoined the world by going first to your friend's and then back to work. This is all still extremely new.

Friday was a shock to you on several levels. It was a set-back. Those are to be expected. You can't expect all of the feelings to be gone overnight. What matters is that you move forward. Don't be upset about the tears. They are a symptom of a conflict of emotions. Try to ignore them and distract yourself with something that helps you feel happier or keeps you too busy for tears. As you get yourself on more stable footing, emotionally speaking, they will disappear.

Dear Cat1864,
I am so amazed by every single word you are giving to me.
How do you know all the details precisely?
I am just amazed I am getting this wonderful help from you...
You even do not know how much I am thankful to you...


I know it hurts and emotionally the desire to make the pain go away is to think that he is the only one.
So, my mind is tricking me to negotiate with this pain, stop this struggle, and settle down with the old & comfortable world to be comfortable... So, I am getting false illusion he is the one... It could be trued, but as you know it is so hard process of breaking off from 100% love to 0% in days of matters... He was my future husband, and I am making him the worst enemy in my life... Hating is really difficult to me... I do not know how people can hate others...


Sadly, if you did give into those thoughts, you would be back here in a matter of days or weeks wondering why you took him back because either he started his dating service again or you are afraid he did. That pain would eclipse what you feel right now.

It is absolutely wake up calls. You are predicting if I forgive him, he will break my heart again... I cannot afford this pain again. My mental & emotional resources are totally drained and ruined...



Laughter is great medicine, but Time is the healer. Would it surprise you to realize it hasn't even been a month since you joined us? It has been even less time since you rejoined the world by going first to your friend's and then back to work. This is all still extremely new.
Yes, it has been 2 weeks and 4 days since I found his online cheating... I am so afraid how long I have to be in this level of pain... I am so afraid...



Friday was a shock to you on several levels. It was a set-back. Those are to be expected. You can't expect all of the feelings to be gone overnight. What matters is that you move forward. Don't be upset about the tears. They are a symptom of a conflict of emotions. Try to ignore them and distract yourself with something that helps you feel happier or keeps you too busy for tears. As you get yourself on more stable footing, emotionally speaking, they will disappear.

Yes, I felt that he would show up one day, but it was totally shock to me. Yes, it was set back to me big time since he presented himself as so humble and flat. I am caught between head and heart, love and hate, hope and despair, and my mind is running to 2 different directions every 5 minutes... I just cry for the pain to see the most precious thing I had, which has gone for nothing and absolutely stupid in my eyes...

The more I think I SHOULD NOT forgive him, the more tears are rolling on my face... It feels so empty and helpless... I did not deserve this pain...

I think the worst curse is being in a realtionhsip with a cheater...

Rebecca,
You are doing great yourself and it's more than OK to feel this way. When I knew that my ex cheated on me, I almost went blank. The rage and pain was immense. I remember now that I was so much in shock, I wasn't aware of my environment for days.

The thing is Rebecca, they have wronged us. We have nothing to blame ourselves, on the contrary. Cheating is something they will need to live with for the rest of their lives. You should be more than happy that he is out of your life, and as time goes on you will feel better.

My ex cheated only once with me, but she cheated before that with other boyfriends, numerous times. So like I was saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. She is also going to cheat with her current boyfriend most probably. She said she would wait for me and she wanted to go out with me. When I came back, she bluntly said that she didn't want anything to do with me. By that time I was done with her myself and was more than happy.

Something else also, my ex tried to control me by showing how "sad" she was and always crying when she was with me. She would beg me to give her time, all that while she was crying. She was pitiful and she was the one who broke up with me. She would still continue going with that other man, while she was telling me she wanted time to know what she wanted.

Rebecca,
you are doing great yourself and it's more than ok to feel this way. When I knew that my ex cheated on me, I almost went blank. The rage and pain was immense. I remember now that I was so much in shock, I wasn't aware of my environment for days.

The thing is Rebecca, they have wronged us. We have nothing to blame ourselves, on the contrary. Cheating is something they will need to live with for the rest of their lives. You should be more than happy that he is out of your life, and as time goes on you will feel better.

My ex cheated only once with me, but she cheated before that with other boyfriends, numerous times. So like I was saying, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Something else also, my ex tried to control me by showing how "sad" she was and always crying when she was with me. She would beg me to give her time, all that while she was crying. She was pitiful and she was the one who broke up with me. She would still continue going with that other man, while she was telling me she wanted time to know what she wanted.


Paxe,
I keep everything you said in my mind. You are so kind to help me out in difficult time.
I like to thank you for giving me the priceless advice you learned from your painful experience... We are learning the hard lessons about cheaters...

Even though I have not given any piece of slim chance to my ex, my mind is tricking me "what if my ex is the exception, who will never do it again... nobody is perfect...
we all deserve the second chance...etc"... when I am getting weak & sad.
Right now, I am so exhausted, and do not feel anything anymore around me.

I know exactly what you are saying.
It sounds weird, but when you confirm " once a cheater, always a cheater..." ,
I feel relieved and feel better for my decision...

I will also keep it in my mind that your ex was pitiful she cheated and broke off. What a cheap melo drama... I should not be caught by the self pity drama and ruin my precious life... Thanks again.
I hope I will recover full, and have my happy life again.

Rebecca it's the school of hard knocks-but there are many decent men out there.

Hey rebecca,
I really don't want you to get starting giving yourself some hope. Yes it's a dark path and yes it's extremely painful but there is light in the end of the tunnel.

I only stumbled in this forum 2 month after my ex broke out with me and I had so much pain during those 2 months. I hope I passed through this intense pain so that I can teach other people what to do and what not to do.

It's more than normal to feel down and to feel sad because you saw him weak, but he is just showing you this. Your brain knows that you are doing is right and you need to stick to that. Like seriously, if you stayed with him and you kids asked you, "did dad ever cheated on you?" what are you going to answer?

Or the problem with cheaters they are compulsive liars, they lied to cheat, they lied about cheating and they lied to you about not cheating anymore.

It ain't easy but we're doing the right thing and taking the right path, and it is these kinds of fault we will never do, not to hurt the other person, but to stay moral and ethical persons.

Two unexpected visitors at one night

Last night, my doorman Dexter called me and I had a visitor around 7 pm. My visitor was David (not real name), the best friend of my ex, and my ex went to college with. I went to downstairs, and sat down with David at Starbucks coffee shop. Basically, David was a SOS messenger, my ex sent, and he did his best to convince me I should give my ex a second chance. He was keep saying that my ex was in critical mental stage he never seen before, I even do not know how my ex was regretful, and how much my ex loves me, and how hard it will hit my ex if I completely leave him for the online fling etc. He emphasized that my ex wanted to marry me right now if I agree. (I am not sure at this moment, if it is his opinion or my ex's message. ) I am glad my ex has a good friend at least.
I basically told David,
"The relationship is broken when he cheated on me. You do not know how much emotion he invested to other girls online when he flirted. He met multiple girls in person. That was officially date he arranged by himself. There is anything left in my relationship any more because the trust is gone even before we married, and we should not marry. We are done."
David was keep insisting my ex's online dating was insignificant.
"Were you there when he date the girls each time? How do you know what exactly happened? Will you do it to your wife?"
He was speechless. He looked at me with sad face, gave me a hug, and told me I can call him or his wife for any help in future. He told me I should take care of myself, because I look bad as much as my ex.
"What a tragedy..." He told me and shook his head and left. David invited me and my ex for a party at his new house while ago, and it would happen in a week. But David did not mention it anymore. I realized that I am not belong to the party or my ex, or my ex's social group any more... The chapter was closed... Sigh...

Around 8 pm, Dexter called me I had another unexpected visitor. He was my coworker, Will (not real name), he asked me a date before, and I refused since I was in relationship. I went downstairs, and had a small chat with him. He brought me a brown bag full of various healthy soups "just for in case if I forgot to eat". He told me he heard my breakup, and he wanted to help me for anything, and he has good ears and shoulder to lean on. He also emphasized that he knows all the good foods for soul and body, and even more he is very good at food delivery.
"You know, I had a part time job at pizza place for a summer when I was in high school."
I had to laugh. Will is very high rank lawyer in company, and he did not have to make himself so humble to comfort me. I politely accepted the soups, and chat for minutes, and let him go. He told me my best friend gave him my address. I should talk to her when she comes back from her business trip...

Of course, Dexter watched our whole conversation between me and Will with curiosity while he pretend not watching it. What a night...

Or the problem with cheaters they are compulsive liars, they lied to cheat, they lied about cheating and they lied to you about not cheating anymore.

It ain't easy but we're doing the right thing and taking the right path, and it is these kinds of fault we will never do, not to hurt the other person, but to stay moral and ethical persons.

Paxe,
I am with you. I never cheated anyone in my life once I am with the person in relationship. I do not separate my body and soul. When I am with someone, I am with him all the time whether he is with me or not in the given moment... It is not because I am the perfect person, but because I hate to lie to only degrade myself. It is not just worth it. Because even though nobody find it out, I will know what I did for the rest of my life. I do not accept myself to go so low. It is disgusting. Right?

Rebecca,
I am impressed with your resolve in the face of all that (inappropriate) pressure from David. You are very strong! I find it offensive that David and your ex are dangling the "carrot" that he'll marry you if you come back, as if that is what you have been holding out for. Why would you want to marry someone who is so not in love that he is actively and secretly looking for other women during the period when most people are most likely to be faithful?

I bet you do not look terrible and he was saying that partly to undermine yourself confidence and make you feel like the "solution" was to go back to your ex. Very manipulative. Don't listen!

You are well rid of David and I loved that you asked him if he would do that to his wife and that he couldn't answer. There is a rich vein of entitlement in these two guys that you don't need to explore.

As for Will, I hope the attention cheered you up a little after the unpleasant encounter with David.

Take care!
Asking

I wonder what David's wife thinks of the situation and if David might have some bridges of his own to mend.

It sounds like Will is good for the self-esteem. I don't suggest getting into a new relationship any time soon. However, I think Will just showed you that there are men out there who can be caring.

I wonder what David's wife thinks of the situation and if David might have some bridges of his own to mend.

I was thinking the same! He seems pretty invested in this situation. My other thought was that he was the one who encouraged the ex to do this extracurricular dating, so he feels responsible for the horrible result. But that's pure speculation. Bottom line, it's not about David and the ex is a big boy and responsible for his own actions.

Rebecca,
I am impressed with your resolve in the face of all that (inappropriate) pressure from David. You are very strong! I find it offensive that David and your ex are dangling the "carrot" that he'll marry you if you come back, as if that is what you have been holding out for. Why would you want to marry someone who is so not in love that he is actively and secretly looking for other women during the period when most people are most likely to be faithful?

Take care!
Asking

Asking,
Thanks for your strong support. We are in the same boat! It makes me keep going straight.

I wonder what David's wife thinks of the situation and if David might have some bridges of his own to mend.

It sounds like Will is good for the self-esteem. I don't suggest getting into a new relationship any time soon. However, I think Will just showed you that there are men out there who can be caring.


I agree with you 100%.

Rebecca,
I am impressed with your resolve in the face of all that (inappropriate) pressure from David. You are very strong! I find it offensive that David and your ex are dangling the "carrot" that he'll marry you if you come back, as if that is what you have been holding out for.

Asking,
I could avoid the insane pressure because I LEARN EVERYDAY HERE HOW MUCH I WAS CONTROLLED BY EX! I now know how wrong it was!

I was just stupid to hold up everything in side of me, and allow myself to be controlled by the cheater FOR THE MARRIAGE! As you said "Why would you want to marry someone who is so not in love that he is actively and secretly looking for other women during the period when most people are most likely to be faithful?" Right, it is just INSANE! And I did not know it before, and try to be "the nice girl" by losing my mind.

I am so glad I found this board, and get all help & support from all of you, who are so kind and considerate! Thank you all!

You ve learned a lot in a short space of time and you re handling this very well.
Let us know how you get on.

You ve learned a lot in a short space of time and you re handling this very well.
Let us know how you get on.

amicon,
If I did not get appropriate support from here, I would end up going back to my ex, and keep living with lies and insecurities. And I will wonder why I am not happy with the relationhsip... Thanks, god, I got the wisdom here.
I really appreciate you have given me the insights and wise advice constantly.

I am blushed, because I do not feel I handle it well. I am still struggling with my pain and self-doubt. I will be here until I feel heal enough.

Thanks a lot!

Love & Respect,
Rebecca

I think you have handled this tremendeously well. You have been brave to face up to and accept the unpleasant truth. You will learn a lot from this, and will be a stronger person. In a year or two you will look back on this and laugh, and realise what a selfish/emotionally destitute person your ex is.

Good luck. Stay strong. Keep your head up high. :-)

Rebecca, I am sorry about what brought you here, but I am not sorry that I am getting the chance to know you. You are a very special person.

What might have happened didn't. You did find this place and I am glad you did.

Rebecca, I am sorry about what brought you here, but I am not sorry that I am getting the chance to know you. You are a very special person.

What might have happened didn't. You did find this place and I am glad you did.

Cat1864 ,
It was really my pleasure to meet you here.
You gave me all the support and help I was looking for unconditionally, you made me go through the tough time, and I cannot thank enough.

Yes, I believe everything happens for purpose. I think my nasty ex actually gave me so much opportunity to grow up.
1. I had opportunity to meet so many nice & wise people on this board. It would not happen if my ex did not cheat on me. It is a REALLY good side of the heart wrenching experience he gave to me. (ha ha)

2. If my ex did not cheat on me right now, I would end up getting married, and found out his 'real personality' later, and would need up with divorce. It could be disaster. I have to think it is the best side of this painful experience.

3. I never cheated anyone, and will not do it in my life.
However, for those who sees the perfect (?) opportunity & temptation, I like to tell them not to do it proactively. It just hearts everyone include themselves. I guess it will be my mission to tell this from my lessons. Just like you helped me, I should help others too when I see chances. Right?

Have a good evening, everyone!

Love & Respect,
Rebecca

I think you have handled this tremendeously well. You have been brave to face up to and accept the unpleasant truth. You will learn a lot from this, and will be a stringer person. In a year or two you will look back on this and laugh, and realise what a selfish/emotionally destitute person your ex is.

Good luck. Stay strong. keep your head up high. :-)

sandalwood7,
You are so kind, but I am far from it. I will constantly try to live RIGHT though. I know I will not give in, but I still have to go through huge pain for long time...
I wish I can have a day I am completely healed, and be proud of myself not to caught as a victim of the cheating drama. Thank you for your encouragement!

Love and Respect,
Rebecca

Blackmailing Ex Over Weekend (3rd weekend since broke up)

My ex frantically started to call me again Friday night, and obviously he seemed quite drunk.
He was keep telling on my voice mail, I should give him a chance to let him prove how much he was regretful and changed.
He insisted he became a new person since we broke up.
“I am ready to marry you now, and I do not want to fool around anymore. Will you marry me please?”
He almost yelled at the voice mail, and background noise indicated that he was in a bar or someplace else.
He seemed totally lost.
I felt deeply insulted, since the drunken ex was trying to make a marriage deal with me.
He must misunderstand me as a woman who wants to get married with him desperately.
Saturday 3 am, I finally had to pick up the phone.
I could not resist any longer. I said to him calmly without emotion.
“What made you think I would marry a cheater to ruin my future?
Find someone else in your class, and have a good life ever!”
I hung up.

Saturday 5 pm, Dexter, my nice door man called me I have a flower arrangement delivered.
I had to walk downstairs to sign on the paper. The delivery man did not want to leave the flowers on Dexter at all.
The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses. It is blackmailing…
Dexter told me my ex tried to come to my building, and he did not let him in another day. Dexter told me my ex did not look good at all.

Now my ex is not only cheater, but drunk, low, lost, and perfectly a drama king. It is just pathetic.
I handed the flowers to Dexter and came upstairs.
Where did the man whom I loved so much with my full heart go?
I wonder how low he can go further. It is scary, and I am disturbed deeply. Is his behavior normal or way off? I am not sure...

Everyone, I need your opinion on this again... thanks... and sigh...

Things look different when the blinders are off.

Things look different when the blinders are off.

TAL,
It is very scary when I realize I even did not know this person very well for 1.5 years.
Are we all blinded when we are in love? If then, love is bliss and curse... I should be very careful when I start to date again in future... thanks for your reply. Have a good weekend!

Yes, we are very blind when we are in love. I remember my ex turned out to be a different person when we broke up. She turned out a crasy alcoholic and she used my weakness to control me. I knew her for 6 years and dated 3.
You should be very careful about who you date next time AND you should take your time. Enjoy being alone, I know I am. If they are not patient, that just shows you their own character.
Don't let him control you of that sort, you are not giving in, this is why he is feeling at a loss, TRUST ME. I gave in and well, I have still huge scars I need to heal from.

Rebecca, I just read your post re the pathetic flowers he had delivered to your doorman, its sounds like he s losing the plot and I agree with you you didn't know him-you saw what he allowed you to see.
Continue to take good care of yourself.

Hey rebecca,althougth I have not posted on your thread for sometime I have been following reading the posts.

I'm not quite sure if anyone else is picking up the movements of your ex to contact you,but my alarm bells are going off after reading the last few posts.

1. he is getting people to talk to you on his behalf.
2. he is sending flowers with black ribbons.
3. he seems convinced from your posts that he and you should be together.
4. your own alarm bells are going off with his behaviour.

Don't ignore this rebecca.. I certainly don't wish to alarm you,but just be careful.

If he becomes more persistent and you get afraid perhaps speaking to the police may be in order..

I know how extreme that sounds, but if he is starting to obsess about you some sort of barring order or protection order may be called for.

Perhaps I'm over reacting.

I agree Red, no telling how far he will take this. Staying alert would be wise.

Rebecca,

Again, I don't want to scare you, but other than losing you, so far your ex hasn't suffered any consequences. He still believes he will get you back by continuing to harass you. It sounds like you work for a law firm as you have mentioned the lawyers at work. Have you considered speaking to them? It seems that a letter from a lawyer is warranted here, to put it on record that you consider this to be harassment and it will not be tolerated. You should not have to live with this anxiety.

Harassment is a crime. It can refer to the actions of a person who is repeatedly sending you threatening letters, calling you on the phone, or repeatedly sending you unwanted gifts. It can also involve behavior such as following you, watching you, and coming to your place of work or home. This behavior is commonly referred to as "stalking". He is trying to prove his “love” for you, but it is making you uneasy. It is not necessary that the harasser intend for the conduct to produce feelings of fear or intimidation in the victim, only that the harasser has reason to know that the conduct would cause such feelings. A warning from an attorney will show proof of this. This has been going on for 3 weeks now, and his efforts do not seem to be lessening.

Had to spread the rep j-lo, but excellent advice.

The only thing I will add to Just Looking's advice is to have one of the lawyers other than Will send the notice/letter. Since Will has expressed a personal interest in you and showed up at your building, it might lessen his effectiveness in this matter.

Also, be honest with Dexter that Mr. Ex is getting worse and you are concerned about his actions. Since Dexter has had interactions with him outside of his Doorman duties, I am a bit concerned that he might not be seeing the seriousness of Mr. Ex's behavior. Though this latest floral arrangement might have shaken him, too. Dexter is also one of your first lines of defense.

Yes, we are very blind when we are in love. I remember my ex turned out to be a different person when we broke up. She turned out a crasy alcoholic and she used my weakness to control me. I knew her for 6 years and dated 3.
You should be very careful about who you date next time AND you should take your time. Enjoy being alone, I know I am. If they are not patient, that just shows you their own character.
Don't let him control you of that sort, you are not giving in, this is why he is feeling at a loss, TRUST ME. I gave in and well, I have still huge scars I need to heal from.

Paxe, tal, you are ritght. Things look totally different now...

The man I loved:
1) Confident
2) Charismatic
3) Determined
4) Successful
5) Focused
6) Proud
7) Decent

The same man, but now I found as EX
1) Cheater
2) Pathetic
3) Liar
4) Self pity
5) Self-destructive
6) Stalking
7) Childish
8) Blackmailing
9) Regretful
10) Weak
11) Drama King

Rebecca, I just read your post re the pathetic flowers he had delivered to your doorman, its sounds like he s losing the plot and I agree with you you didnt know him-you saw what he allowed you to see.
Continue to take good care of yourself.

You are right. He is toally lost and he does not know what he doing anymore...

Rebecca,

Again, I don’t want to scare you, but other than losing you, so far your ex hasn’t suffered any consequences. He still believes he will get you back by continuing to harass you. It sounds like you work for a law firm as you have mentioned the lawyers at work. Have you considered speaking to them? It seems that a letter from a lawyer is warranted here, to put it on record that you consider this to be harassment and it will not be tolerated. You should not have to live with this anxiety.

Harassment is a crime. It can refer to the actions of a person who is repeatedly sending you threatening letters, calling you on the phone, or repeatedly sending you unwanted gifts. It can also involve behavior such as following you, watching you, and coming to your place of work or home. This behavior is commonly referred to as "stalking". He is trying to prove his “love” for you, but it is making you uneasy. It is not necessary that the harasser intend for the conduct to produce feelings of fear or intimidation in the victim, only that the harasser has reason to know that the conduct would cause such feelings. A warning from an attorney will show proof of this. This has been going on for 3 weeks now, and his efforts do not seem to be lessening.

Just Looking,
Thanks for your kind advice.
All you said is so considerate and appropriate. I consider it since I witnessed your recent incident on this board.
I know all my rights, I have enough evidence, so I can take actions in any moments if I want to. Many people will help me effectively if I ask. We all know the law now reflects the understanding harassment as regardless of the motivation for the conduct, it disrupts the victim's life and may threaten the victim's safety.

My concern is my ex has professional reputation, I do not see him in any felony charge for the personal matter between him and me. My family has strings with his as well. I am holding it off right now because I believe he knows his limit very well, he is not mentally malfunctioning (ha ha I am not sure about it any more…), and actually he is not threatening my life.
In terms, he is threatening my security or privacy, but not safety. So, it seems he is in the borderline.

Undoubtfully, it is frustrating to deal with it.
I do not know what episode he will create in any moment. I have a feeling that I could be watched too on and off. My apartment is at 7th floor, but has wall full windows from end to end, and I have full exposure. I know anyone can watch me from the street if tried intentionally. I have been aware of it, and I kept all my curtains closed tight all day long from the day one. I am prisoner in my apartment…

My main complaint is not about safety, but my stress level & insufficient well being. It is just draining my mental resources to be an unwanted part of his pointless drama.

The bottom line is, it appears he still tries hard, but I am certain that he will get tired very soon, and take it easy. I just feel it. I have intuition. I will give a couple more weeks. If thing is not getting better, I will take actions to get a restraining order defines harassment so on…

Now my anger is subsidized, but my depression comes due to his intrusive actions & gifts…
Thanks again... It means a lot to me.

He will get bored, continue not answering to his call and you will be fine.

The only thing I will add to Just Looking's advice is to have one of the lawyers other than Will send the notice/letter. Since Will has expressed a personal interest in you and showed up at your building, it might lessen his effectiveness in this matter.

Also, be honest with Dexter that Mr. Ex is getting worse and you are concerned about his actions. Since Dexter has had interactions with him outside of his Doorman duties, I am a bit concerned that he might not be seeing the seriousness of Mr. Ex's behavior. Though this latest floral arrangement might have shaken him, too. Dexter is also one of your first lines of defense.

Cat1864,
You are right about all again. If I need to send a letter, I will not consult with Will, but with my father. I do not know Will well. The last thing I want to do is mixing my personal matters with a superior level coworker at work. Fortunately, my father is in the position can take any actions for me if I ask. I am just trying to avoid bringing the unnecessary harsh situation.

I need to answer for my parent's service recall action pretty soon. I am planning to visit my parents next weekend. I guess I have no choice but have to consult with my father in a week. Oh, well. Thanks.

Regarding to Dexter, he is a very nice, honest, and working hard young man. Dexter does not know what my ex did behind of my back yet. I know he assumes what is going on since he saw all the episodes and flowers.
However, Dexter still admires my ex, stands somewhat in my ex's side.
When Will visited me last time, Dexter seemed embarrassed and unpleasant even though he tried to hide his expressions. It looked like I am the one cheated in the setting. It is funny but if I start to see someone else in future for an example, I think Dexter will give me dirty looks or disproval looks.

I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...

He will get bored, continue not answering to his call and you will be fine.

I agree. That is what I am looking for. Thanks.

No problem, focus on you though, not on him. He's a loser, you're not and you need to be selfish right now.

No problem, focus on you though, not on him. He's a loser, you're not and you need to be selfish right now.


How is your healing process going? Any advice such as DO or NOT TO DO list? Thanks.

Rebecca dear,

I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.

Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.

Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.

I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...

I agree. I think you should be more upfront with Dexter. No need to go into details since you want to maintain some dignity, but I would explain briefly that you broke off with your ex because he was secretly dating other women and that he has been harassing and stalking you. Do not minimize your discomfort on this point or allow Dexter to turn it into something "cute."

Make it clear to Dexter that you are counting on him both professionally (he's a doorman) and personally to protect you and that the harassment is costing you your peace of mind in your own home. If you don't think Dexter is taking this seriously, have the same attorney who writes your letter have a friendly but serious talk with Dexter so that he understands he's part of the solution--your solution, not the ex's.

Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.

I'll give you what I'm doing:
I've joined a human rights group and I'm planning 2 major fundraising and a lot of people are interested in. I'm in charge of that project so that takes me a lot of time. I still continue to do a lot of training, socializing, going out with friends ( I try not to stay with the same one all the time ), going clubbing, passing time with my family...

What really helps me though, is to gaze far and just enjoy every moment that passes when I have a bit of free time and when I'm going outside. Have you ever looked at a blue sky or a nice garden and just stop thinking? Well it calms your heart and all your worries.

What I don't do is going out drinking too much, clinging on my ex, eating always outside, or being mean. I try to stay positive and give a lot of energy. I have a lot of girls interested in me (I guess because all the energy I show and the fact I've been working out and taking care of myself), but I'm enjoying my freedom and being single.

I don't have to call anybody or nobody really has to calm me, but I have very close friends and family and people generally like me so that I don't feel lonely.

Just wondering if you're doing the same thing though.

Rebecca dear,

I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.

Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.

Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

Paxe, IF he keeps going the way he is, I don't think she has a 2-3 weeks before he escalates matters again.

This is enough for me to say send the letter:


The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses.

He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.

Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.

Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

Well it has been three weeks, and this guy is not getting bored. Instead, he is obsessing and thinking up weirder and weirder things to do to dramatize his "need".

First of all he is dating a woman he expects to be faithful but he is strangely not available Friday nights because he's got his picture on a dating site and having regular Friday night dates with other women. When Rebecca confronts him, he defends himself by saying that he will eventually get around to marrying her and to just sit tight while he has some fun.

When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.

It is high time to put him on notice that he is courting arrest. I'm not sure why Rebecca should operate from a position of fear that he will escalate more if she sets up some clearer boundaries. If he respects the letter from the attorney, they won't need a restraining order. If he violates the restraining order then he OUGHT to be arrested. No offense to you Paxe, but I can't see any upside to Rebecca letting him continue his harassment without getting legal help.

When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.



Excellent, excellent, and excellent interpretation! I am getting goose bump when I read this! How amazing you are, asking!!

He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.
Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.

Cat1864,
I should not see this in my life. No way...



Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.

I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? Thank you so much.

Just Looking agrees: I agree. We aren't talking about having him arrested, but making sure he realizes that what he is doing is not wanted and not acceptable.

Just looking,
I agree with your point. It is not wanted, and it is going to the wrong direction, and way beyond the level I should endure.
I need to focus on healing for myself, not suffering from the overly surpressing pressure…

I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? thank you so much.

Having read through this entire thread at Cat 1864's urging, let me explain her fears in my usual blunt offensive way.

His next step to win you back is to kidnap and isolate you so he can "make you see reason." When that doesn't work he will probably just "keep you for himself."

When you do not fall back under his spell in a couple of days, he will injure or kill you.

This is not some bizarre fantasy, it happens with narcissists like this so often it has become a common theme on crime dramas.

Get some protection. Parents, Doorman, Attorneys, Cops, all of them.

Creating a scenario to 'save' you from could be something like getting someone to threaten you and he 'miraculously' appears to make the person leave. Or if you have a car, making one or more of your tires go flat, so that he can be there to 'help' you out. Does that give you a better idea of what I was talking about?

I am not as worried about that type of behavior from him as I am him staging something involving himself as the 'victim' to try to gain sympathy and create guilt. Primarily (mainly because of the black roses and card), I am concerned about him 'staging' a suicide attempt. In his mind, it could have the benefit of causing you guilt because you turned him away when he was at his lowest or cause you to worry about him and give him a foot in the door. It could also have the effect of making him look more like the 'victim' to his friends and family.

Note that I used the word "stage". I don't think he would actually do anything to hurt himself. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he did try to make you think he will. Emotional blackmail at its best.

Be prepared for anything from this person. But at the same, Live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for anything that he does. Only he is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his reputation or his work. He is.

Cat1864,
Thanks for your reply.

I am just thinking I am in a sticky situation. I did not know it would be so difficult to break off from my ex who created the unspekable mistake...

Thanks again, all. I appreciate your concerns and thoughtful advices...

I am just thinking I can stay in my parents every weekend for a while to avoid this drama. It seems my ex is getting crazier for weekend, and it will protect me from the 'unnecessary scenes'.

Thank you all!

Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.


Paxe,
I believe time has more power than anything else. I am staying in low while this tough time passes by.
I am focusing to heal from this trauma.

You are doing great with a human rights group, and it sounds good for you.

I am not that socially active right now, mainly to avoid people in the same social group of my ex. I am getting better sleep and good eat though.
I am having quality time with a group of my girl friends, it helps me my mind off. We went to a fundraising fashion show one evening, and it was just fun. I have many good friends, but I feel lonely sometimes…I know it sounds crazy, but I still have moments to miss the good time with my ex. Anyhow, I bought a bunch of books I always wanted to read, and started to take a yoga class. I am forcing myself to be busy, am thinking to join a drama club or sushi cooking class. I found a cool jazz place in my town, and I dine there, and I enjoy it. I do not have any memory about my ex in the place, and it helps me to relax better. What I really need is taking a small trip to a warm place for mind off, but my girl friend is busy, and I cannot make a reservation at this point. I hope she can find good time for me. :)

I hope I can recover, and spread my wings fully just like before I met my ex.
Thanks for your advice. Good luck to you!

Hey Rebecca,
Good to know you're taking good care of yourself. Don't worry you will be able to enjoy single life with tons of friends, it feels great!
Also, try to plan a long vacation far away, even if it is one year from now, it will help you move on and expand your horizons.

Hi,
I have a small update. My ex stopped sending me flowers since the Saturday black ribbon-ed one. I guess he gave in finally after 3 weeks. He stopped all together include sending flowers & sand witches to my office, phone calls and emails.
It seems he decided to disappear from me completely.

I should feel better, but I suddenly found myself more depressed and empty. Sigh... I feel the 1.5 year relationship really ended.

Last night, I had a dream that my ex and I were shopping for a puppy. We had to choose one among 3 cute puppies, black, white and brown, but all were so cute and hairy, and I had hard time to choose one. All 3 puppies started licking my face, I felt so good and laughed. I woke up, and still could feel the ticklish sensation on my face, but the puppies were not real... It made me feel more empty... Should l I get a puppy by myself? Does it help to heal?

I bought a bunch of books, tried to read some, but could not concentrate at all... It seems my emotion all died.

How should I get rid of this depression? Any advice? All of you are so wise, and should know something better than me... thank you.

Love & respect,
Rebecca

Rebecca
Great news that he's finally leaving you alone , and your feelings of emptyness are perfectly normal and you'll find they will subside with time. This is all part of the healing process. Hang in there your doing great.

And please don't get a Puppy just to fill the void , that's not fair to the Pup. Get one for sure when your ready to look after him and are getting him for all the right reasons. Don't forget getting a Puppy will be a 10-15 year commitment.

Does your apartment building allow pets?

What I tell anyone who is looking at getting a new puppy: You shouldn't unless you have the money (vet bills, grooming, if needed, etc.), time (puppies especially need a lot of training time and dogs are very social animals), energy (most breeds need a lot of exercise and playtime. They really suffer mentally and physically, if those needs aren't met), and patience (training takes a lot repeating yourself and staying calm when they mess up. Positive reinforcement works better than negative.). One other thing about dogs, you also have to be ready to pick up their excrement (lots of devices on the market that keep hands far away from the waste.)

You should also never get a puppy as a "spur-of-the-moment" type purchase. IF you really want a dog, I suggest researching breeds that do well in apartments and city living. Then either adopt from a shelter or a breed specific rescue or find a reputable breeder in your area and buy a purebred from them. If you are unsure about breeds, you might even look at breeders in your area and contact them to find out more before making a decision.

If you really want an animal companion, you need to remember, that most cats and small to medium size dogs can live to be 15-20 years old. They are a long term commitment.

If you are unsure about getting a pet or what type to get, you might ask here: Other Pets & Animals - Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-pets-animals/). The experts on the pet forums can give you ideas on a variety of animals to think about.

That said. It is up to you to decide what your needs are. IF you decide to get a pet, I recommend taking at least a month to research what type would be best for you and your life-style. The research alone might help you fill part of the loneliness that you are feeling.

You're feeling lonely because you are alone right now. You probably felt annoyed but not alone when he was sending you all these gifts. Usually the dumper like to have attention from the dumpee.

It is all normal feeling, you have to fill your life with joy, activities, friends and family. You have now full control of your life and you can do whatever you want. Try something new, be positive everyday, put a smile on that face... you'll get better day by day.

Part of being in a relationship is nurturing the other person.

When they are gone,we miss the feeling of being needed.

Hence the puppy dream!

Could you volunteer in a children's hospital or animal shelter for a while?

Rebecca
Great news that he's finally leaving you alone , and your feelings of emptyness are perfectly normal and you'll find they will subside with time. This is all part of the healing process. Hang in there your doing great.

And please don't get a Puppy just to fill the void , thats not fair to the Pup. Get one for sure when your ready to look after him and are getting him for all the right reasons. Don't forget getting a Puppy will be a 10-15 year commitment.

Hi friend4u178,
I agree it is not fair to have a 'rebound relationship with an innocent puppy'.
I appreciate your advice!

Does your apartment building allow pets?

What I tell anyone who is looking at getting a new puppy: You shouldn't unless you have the money (vet bills, grooming, if needed, etc.), time (puppies especially need a lot of training time and dogs are very social animals), energy (most breeds need a lot of exercise and playtime. They really suffer mentally and physically, if those needs aren't met), and patience (training takes a lot repeating yourself and staying calm when they mess up. Positive reinforcement works better than negative.). One other thing about dogs, you also have to be ready to pick up their excrement (lots of devices on the market that keep hands far away from the waste.)

You should also never get a puppy as a "spur-of-the-moment" type purchase. IF you really want a dog, I suggest researching breeds that do well in apartments and city living. Then either adopt from a shelter or a breed specific rescue or find a reputable breeder in your area and buy a purebred from them. If you are unsure about breeds, you might even look at breeders in your area and contact them to find out more before making a decision.

If you really want an animal companion, you need to remember, that most cats and small to medium size dogs can live to be 15-20 years old. They are a long term commitment.

If you are unsure about getting a pet or what type to get, you might ask here: Other Pets & Animals - Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-pets-animals/). The experts on the pet forums can give you ideas on a variety of animals to think about.

That said. It is up to you to decide what your needs are. IF you decide to get a pet, I recommend taking at least a month to research what type would be best for you and your life-style. The research alone might help you fill part of the loneliness that you are feeling.

Cat1864,
Thanks for your professional advice. My ex and I wanted to have a puppy together, and I thought it might be a good sign of my independence if I have a puppy by myself.
I will think about it again... thank you.

You're feeling lonely because you are alone right now. You probably felt annoyed but not alone when he was sending you all these gifts. Usually the dumper like to have attention from the dumpee.

It is all normal feeling, you have to fill your life with joy, activities, friends and family. You have now full control of your life and you can do whatever you want. Try something new, be positive everyday, put a smile on that face... you'll get better day by day.

paxe,
You are right about all again.
When he bothered me, I did not feel lonely. Now, I really start my healing process by my own. I know I have now full control of my life and I can do whatever I want. It is indeed a powerful situation, but I do not have enough energy to enjoy it now.
I will feel better someday. I am looking for the best way to regain myself.
Thanks much.

part of being in a relationship is nurturing the other person.

when they are gone,we miss the feeling of being needed.

hence the puppy dream!

could you volunteer in a childrens hospital or animal shelter for a while?

Redhead,
You are so accurate about everything.
I am so amazed by your dream interpretation. You are much better than Freud.
I actually nurtured my ex quite well, he consulted me with every single little thing with me. Ha ha except the deception. Now he is gone, and I have nothing to take care of except myself. I know I should think I am so grateful I am free like a bird. But I lost balance, and feel so empty.
It is really good idea to volunteer for someone who need help. I have a nursing home near by, and I may can find something I can do there. It will be nice if I can make someone smile. Thanks again!

You will regain yourself Rebecca-we all do. Allow yourself the time it takes.
Take care.

You will regain yourself Rebecca-we all do. Allow yourself the time it takes.
Take care.

amicon,
Thanks for your kind word. I guess there is no speedy way to recover from breakup. I will take time, and process all of this... thank you for your encouragement. I means a lot to me while I am struggling. You are amazing!

Rebecca
You'll be fine honestly and your positive attitude in all this will go a long way to helping you heal faster. We give our advice/opinions to so many people on this site and a lot of times people just want you to tell them what they want to hear , they almost fight with the advice until it finally sinks in.

That's fine and just the heart ruling their heads but you seem to be getting it and it's a real pleasure being part of this thread.

You my Dear are a breath of fresh air , well done :)

Friend, I have to spread some rep, so here's a virtual greenie.

Rebecca, I agree. I haven't been on AMHD for very long, but long enough to know that you are truly a unique person with a very refreshing outlook.

Rebecca
You'll be fine honestly and your positive attitude in all this will go a long way to helping you heal faster. We give our advice/opinions to so many people on this site and a lot of times people just want you to tell them what they want to hear , they almost fight with the advice until it finally sinks in.

Thats fine and just the heart ruling their heads but you seem to be getting it and it's a real pleasure being part of this thread.

You my Dear are a breath of fresh air , well done :)
friend4u178,
Thanks for giving me positive word for me. It is my luck I found this site and get support from you, and all of you. I am trying hard, and still fighting with the urge of self pity & endless sadness. Thanks again...

friend, I have to spread some rep, so here's a virtual greenie.

Rebecca, I agree. I haven't been on AMHD for very long, but long enough to know that you are truly a unique person with a very refreshing outlook.

Cat1864,
I am new here, but know enough how wonderful this site and you guys are!
It is my pure luck to meet you guys here when I go through this crisis with non stop tears...
Thanks again!

Somebody called me around midnight.
I picked up the phone, and the person was in silence, and hung up...

Hey rebecca, it could have been a coincidence.

What do you think?

What is your feeling on the call?

Hi all,
As Just Looking suggested while ago, I am reading other people's story on this board when I cannot sleep.

I do not think my healing process is smooth as you think, far from it inside of me, but it only started a different phase without intrruption by my own. If you insist if I made some progress, I will say all credit goes to this board & all of you.

When I join here with crisis, you guys gave me every single word absolutely I could not here anywhere else, except here. It was really amazing.
I felt chill on my back whenever you guys gave me the straight answers instantaneously. I was and still am mess and still seeking guidelines in the middle of confusion & pain.
I need to tell you. You guys are amazingly brave to say anything straight, while I was afraid to verbalize, accept and admit in every situation when I need to make a decision in any given moment. You guys must experience almost same pain as I do, and your analysis & interpretation was just accurate, and every single advice was really effective & good remedy. I am telling you, I listened carefully, and processed every single word you guys gave to me through my heart. I lived by warm encouragement & kind words you guys gave to me for the past 3 and half weeks. I need to confess I did my best not to make you guys disappointed.

Without you guys, I could not do this at all, and I might still lost more, fell apart, and perhaps gave in. I cannot thank enough. I like to believe I made a right decision for my future. I guess I am growing by going through this pain as God planned. Everything happens with reasons. Right? Since I joined, I read all the threats for the past weeks, and learned a lot of heart wrenching real stories, I never imagined before. I felt all the pains so vividly, and cried for them by myself. I like to tell you, I love all the guys here, and wish you the best luck. You all deserved to be happy.

I am still grieving, but I do my best to live right minute by minute. I will not negotiate with the ‘wrong doing’ even though it is so hurtful. I still love my ex as he was before the incident. Just like old phrase, if you love someone, just let go. It implies here. I cannot accept the real ugly person ruin my pure love for the man I thought to be my dream man. My ex was truly my first love in the deep level, and I certainly planned life long journey with him…and it is gone now.

Well, as you guys all know, it still hurting me so badly. I completely have lost my smile since the day one. I like to smile one day with pure joy.

By the way, be honest, I have not even talked to my parents about my struggle in detail. As a grown up, I felt shame to talk about my inner struggle with anyone include my parents and siblings. Well, you guys are the only people who know what was really going on inside of me…You had my heart.

Thank you for being so kind to me, a struggling faceless stranger, without expecting any returns or conditions. I think you guys are angels, who are making this world more beautiful… Good night, guys.

Another sleepless night,
Rebecca

Hey rebecca. The boards are quite,I'm going to break the rules,and talk for a minute with you.

Hi redhead,
You are there... how nice... it is 4:58 am. What time do you have? I love to talk to you too.

hey rebecca, it could have been a coincidence.

what do you think?

what is your feeling on the call?

Based on the background music and my circumstance, I automatically assumed it was my ex. I cannot prove it, I might be wrong, but certainly it shaked my emotion enough...
What I feel? It was like it was a call from my past still haning there, but start to fading in pain...

Rebecca,sometimes we have to fight to save ourselves.

Sink or swim.

Don't sink, you have the strength inside you to get through this.

Anyone who has posted on your thread can see your strength through your posts,I only can amagine how strong you really are.

You need a hug.. seriously.

You need a friend,and you need to tell other people in your life what has happened.

Its hard,and there is no shame in it.

He fooled you,duped you... it has happened to me,and I was embarresed and ashamed to tell my family,so I hid my pain and what had happened in my own life, not until I told my family,and friends,did I start to truly heal.

If like me you're the type of persom who likes to keep their own council,its harder... but I'm afraid to tell you,your human... and its OK to be hurt, and cry and feel like a mess...

Dig deep for that strength rebecca.

Time to change your number,and put in place a safely drill.

Its time rebecca.

He may have had a few drinks and just made the call,but as he is on your mind,you are on his,but I doubt your both thinking the same things.

A few simple measures for your own safely is in order...

I'm sure all this can be devastating. You should be happy that you found out now instead of later. You have much more time now to find someone more suitable and respectful. This guy hurt you. The excuses he said are the worst ever. I am glad you discovered al this. Be proud of yourself for not accepting his nonsense. That was ridiculous! I wouldn't lose sleep over him because he isn't worth it. Pick yourself up and know that you have self respect and you are a strong woman. You did nothing wrong and the only wrong was him. Be happy for all this being so clean cut and there is no confusion like all the other stories of what to do or not. This was easy and you don't have to deal with much confusion. He is a cheater who doesn't care about you at all. That guy is insane. Any other guy you find would be 10 times better. Don't cry anymore. And have a good night. You rock and he sucks. The world knows this and guys in the world can't wait to meet a wonderful woman like you. Come meet us. Take a shower and get your best clothes on and come out. We can't wait to meet you! See you soon! Wow you are awesome!

rebecca,sometimes we have to fight to save ourselves.

sink or swim.

dont sink, you have the strength inside you to get through this.

anyone who has posted on your thread can see your strenght through your posts,i only can amagine how strong you really are.

you need a hug..seriously.

you need a friend,and you need to tell other people in your life what has happened.

its hard,and there is no shame in it.

he fooled you,duped you...it has happened to me,and i was embarresed and ashamed to tell my family,so i hid my pain and what had happened in my own life, not untill i told my family,and friends,did i start to truely heal.

if like me your the type of persom who likes to keep their own council,its harder...but im afraid to tell you,your human...and its ok to be hurt, and cry and feel like a mess....

dig deep for that strenght rebecca.

redhead,
It seems we are similar…
I am the person to value self esteem and self respect high.
I have a tendency to resolve any personal issues by myself, not going out to speak loudly to friends and family. I have been that way forever. I love to carry myself in grace, and I avoid to see people if I cannot present myself in the level I can accept.

I am staying here, while avoid the whole world, trying to heal myself in my safe cave. When I feel better to see sunlight, I will go out again and smile, and join them... Isn’t it a good idea?

I'm sure all this can be devistating. You should be happy that you found out now instead of later. You have much more time now to find someone more suitable and respectful. This guy hurt you. The excuses he said are the worst ever. I am glad you discovered al this. Be proud of yourself for not accepting his nonsense. That was rediculous! I wouldn't lose sleep over him because he isn't worth it. Pick yourself up and know that you have self respect and you are a strong woman. You did nothing wrong and the only wrong was him. Be happy for all this being so clean cut and there is no confusion like all the other stories of what to do or not. This was easy and you don't have to deal with much confusion. He is a cheater who doesn't care about you at all. That guy is insane. Any other guy you find would be 10 times better. Don't cry anymore. And have a good night. You rock and he sucks. The world knows this and guys in the world can't wait to meet a wonderful woman like you. Come meet us. Take a shower and get your best clothes on and come out. We can't wait to meet you! See you soon! Wow you are awesome!

emopunk7,
I need to say you did a great job to cheer me up! I can tell how nice person you are.
I agree his excuses he said were the worst ever. I was speechless and could not believe what I heard from him at that moment.
How did you know I did not take a shower? It is only 5 am...
Give me some time.
I promise I will take care of myself good, and meet the whole world again as a new woman! Thanks again.

redhead,
It seems we are similar…
I am the person to value self esteem and self respect high.
I have a tendency to resolve any personal issues by myself, not going out to speak loudly to friends and family. I have been that way forever. I love to carry myself in grace, and I avoid to see people if I cannot present myself in the level I can accept.

I am staying here, while avoid the whole world, trying to heal myself in my safe cave. When I feel better to see sunlight, I will go out again and smile, and join them... Isn’t it a good idea?

There was a time I would have said move over and make some room for me!

You just described the way I deal with problems and hurt, and its not a bad way to be.

The thing is rebecca,this time the plate is very full,and you can't take the weigth of this hurt alone,its hard to go against the grain,and it's a damn lonely place to be... I have only sought the support of my family and friends twice in my adult life,they know how I am,and when I finally plucked up the courage to admit I was weak and needed them,you know it was a relief... the first time was after the death of my daughter,I thought I have always been strong,I can do this too,I could not... the second was when I found out the man I was in love with was addicted to drugs, I was totally blind sided by that,and felt like a fool.

And even though I loved him,I knew he would destroy me if I stayed with him... I tried to deal with it on my own,but eventually I realised I had to let him go, and I needed help to do that,he tormented me, and nearly drove me into a physc ward.. but I asked for help.

I learned something about myself in those times and so did my other children and family...

That was,I am strong,but its OK to be weak and ask for help and get strong again.

there was a time i would have said move over and make some room for me!

you just described the way i deal with problems and hurt, and its not a bad way to be.

the thing is rebecca,this time the plate is very full,and you can't take the weigth of this hurt alone,its hard to go against the grain,and its a damn lonely place to be...i learned something about myself in those times and so did my other children and family...

that was,i am strong,but its ok to be weak and ask for help and get strong again.

redhed35,
I need to say you are a beautiful person inside and out.
It is intriguing to hear your personal story. I am glad you went through all very well. Sorry about your daughter. She must be a beautiful girl as her mother. I cn imagine your pain…but stay strong. Your daughter is in heaven where the most beautiful angels are living at. She should be fine there. Be happy for her.

I agree with your point, you are always right, say something always with confidence, and I adore it so much. But I am not afraid of loneliness. Indeed, it is sweet to be lonely. In my safe cave, I take time as much as I like to do, and look inside of me well, feel for me, and finally fall in love with me. It is OK. I know I will not sink. I will swim gracefully again, and now I am sitting here to gain energy. Let’s say it is beauty sleep period to be more beautiful person in near future. My time will come again. I know I will be happy again.

Yes, I have to admit rebecca,that perhaps taking time out to heal and gather yourself is good start.

I think everyone who views your thread would have concerns for your safety regarding your ex.

I crave time on my own,and need it to be mentally strong and also to reflect.

Although in saying that,since I found AMHD,I've become totally addicted! And free time is sitting at the computer.

In saying that,I have a hunger for knowledge and always learn something from other posters,its quite amazing how this site and the people here get under your skin.