Ok some may remember me while others won't. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We broke up after two and then got back together. Well I am 24 and she is 23.
The day before yesterday I had time to spend with my girlfriend because I was working all week. We had a great time and I was so happy.
Later that day I was on my way to work and I called her and she rushed me off because she had to sleep and she was tired. So I said okay and I let her go. Right before I went into work I called to say I love you because I was going to work from 12 midnight to 8 AM. When I called, she answered her phone by mistake and I heard a club scene in the background really loud with people talking. It lasted about 12 seconds and then it hung up. She didn't know she answered but I was shocked because she was out while I thought she was sleeping. The fact that she rushed me off to go to sleep and I believed it somehow kills me and destroyed my trust.
So I kept calling and texting back and finally she answered and I'm guessing she took a while because she had to leave the club to speak. She tells me she is in her friends car and so I told her to prove it and she did. She says that her friend was sad and they went to talk and they are at a store. Well we got off the phone as I had to get to work. While I was at work I called and called and text and text. She didn't call me back till 5 am!
She says she was driving around and walking at a park talking to her friend and got home at 3 am but slept and then called me at 5 because she was mad that I asked so many questions and was angry.
Well my problem is that I feel she took advantage of me going to work and then she lied to me about sleeping and decided to go out. That really hurt me so much. Then I caught her at a club scene and she denies it but yet from 12 to 5 am she doesn't answer my calls. If she was really driving or walking and talking she could have answered to speak to me. We never ignore each other for that long which leads me to believe she was partying.

Additiona Info... She lied to me. She told me shw was going to send me sexy pics and then she didn't because she said she was too tired and lying down... yet she can go out till 3 am she says? I feel so sad, mad, and hurt. We had a great day and she even sent me two pics of myself and said she loves me and misses me just before she did all this.

Trust should be one of the most important things in a relationship. If you can't trust her, move on to someone else who you can trust.


Are you willing to leave her?

There must be something else going on between you two.

Has she done other things?

If she told you she wanted to go out to a club with friends, what would be your response?

People involved in relationships NEED to go ouy with their friends, away from their partners.

Girls and guys alike, need to go out and have a good time alone. We all need to feel attractive to other people. As long as it's just innocent fun.

Did she feel like she had to be dishonest to you?

Are you a jealous person?

Wow... you ask very good questions with great points. I am a jealous person and in a way I do believe she had to be dishonest with me. But then again she is the same way. She would be upset if I went out alone as well. It has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others but it still hurt me that she lied ti me and said she was going to sleep. It's a smack in the face. I would be a bit upset if she was going out to a bar or club without me. I wouldn't go to one without her so why would she? Why dance with others when we have each other?

Why lie? Because she has a jealous boyfriend. Why dance with other guys at a club? 'cause she can't dance with you while you're working. She might have something else going on. If you don't like her behavior, don't text or call, meet up with her face to face and tell her how you feel.

wow...you ask very good questions with great points. I am a jealous person and in a way I do believe she had to be dishonest with me. But then again she is the same way. she would be upset if I went out alone as well. it has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others but it still hurt me that she lied ti me and said she was going to sleep. its a smack in the face. I would be a bit upset if she was going out to a bar or club without me. I wouldn't go to one without her so why wud she? why dance with others when we have each other?

"What's good for the goose, is good for the gander".

You can't have it one sided.

You can't get mad at her for something you do yourself.

Once you get past the jealous, petty, behavior( both of you), you'll be able to have a meaningful relationship.

Until then, you're just playing games.

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same messages back n went to a bar n all. Now she is mad at me.

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.


Well we all know how this is going to end. When you two break up and end up pissed at each other, you'll have time to focus on growing up.

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.

That's just childish , stop playing games and Communicate with each other. You'd have thought after being together for this long you could at least do that.

I'm going to be a bit harsh but you need to get more confidence in yourself. First of all 4 years is a long time and if you can't trust you may as well break up right now. Secondly, you are assuming too much when you don't really have any proofs, you only had hints. Thirdly, playing games is only for kids, you are an adult right now, act like it.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but if you really love her you would have an adult conversation with her and not play games. We sometimes want to, but we have to be the better and wiser person.

Hi again Eguy, long time no hear from.

To your question, the others are right, your both playing games with each other instead of talking, and being honest.

Why feed into your bad points, when you both could be learning to let go of the jealousy, the unrealistic expectations you have with each other, and high school games, and enjoy being apart sometimes.

Then you wouldn't have to be mad, and the trust issue could be put to rest.

You both have to lie to get some space, and freedom, from each other, when it doesn't have to be that way.

Let the emotional dust settle, and talk about it.

Thanks everyone. I will talk to her in a few days. Too much stress right now. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I felt that if I didn't do it back to her and let it go, like in the past, it would just happen again. So this was my last hope to see if she would learn by feeling how I have been feeling and then when we talk she can finally understand. Only thing I could think of as talking before was no use.

Thanx everyone. I will talk to her in a few days. Too much stress right now. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I felt that if I didn't do it back to her and let it go, like in the past, it wud just happen again. So this was my last hope to see if she wud learn by feeling how I have been feeling and then when we talk she can finally understand. Only thing I could think of as talking before was no use.

If the pair of you can't talk/communicate then your both in for a long ride and a lot of heartache , come on your not teenagers anymore :rolleyes:

Well she hasn't called yet. Do you think it is possible that she really went out behind my back because I'm so jealous? Isn't that wrong of her, anyway? Plus we had such a great day... why would she do that?

I agree with all the above. I will, however, extend SOME sympathy/understanding about finding out she was out and not disclosing that info.

I'd definetely NOT have said "prove it", that just shows exactly what you were thinking and does bring out the jealous, controlling side to it. She may conclude that she was right in not telling you she went out for fear of how you'd respond, you only confirmed it by the way you acted.

Again, I do see your side, I do understand that something like this can creep in your head and stay there, but dealing with it shouldbe priority one. You don't even need her to deal with it, apologize for your behaviour and let it go. If this is enough to start a fight or break up than look out man, the future ain't so bright.

Well she hasn't called yet. Do you think it is possible that she really went out behind my back because I'm so jealous? Isn't that wrong of her, anyway? Plus we had such a great day...why would she do that?

The others have already given you some great advice. But I would like to add a few observations.

1) You seem somewhat needy. This ties into your jealousy. Seems like you need to keep a tab on where she is and what she's doing. There's no privacy or space between the two of you. You got to allow each other to live your own lives.

2) If you can't let her live her life without feeling jealous or mistrust, then why date at all? In any relationship, you need a certain level of trust and space to keep things healthy. Otherwise you're just suffocating each other.

3) Though she might be contributing to your feelings of jealousy and mistrust, a lot of issues also stem from within. You should spend some time away from her to work on your personal issues. You need to build more self-esteem and confidence. You have too many insecurity issues, which are overflowing onto her.

4) Because you are so insecure about yourself, you feel like she's going to drift away. Think about it this way, if you were confident about the way you treated her, then you wouldn't fear as much about her leaving her or doing things behind your back. Another way to look at it is, you treat her well and she should treat you well. If she doesn't, then that's her problem and she's not the right person for you.

Feelings can't be forced, they have to come naturally, and relationships take hard work. So you need a combination of both to have a strong relationship.

How can I not be jealous? I always worry if she is smoking with guys, and if she is getting a ride home from work by a guy. I will worry a lot if she goes to a bar or club cause she will dance sexually as all girls do and get drunk and not know what she is doing. Its so hard! What do I do?

Answers? Anyone?

I think you need to work on your jealousy and trust issues-you can't let this run your life-and the way things are now your relationship s not healthy.

You cannot control what she does. I will give you my personal example. I trusted my ex with all my heart, I let her party, drink, smoke, dance with guys, go on road trip with other guys and girls... she would party very often. In the end of our 3 years relationship she cheated on me. I never felt remorse of not trusting her. I feel proud of myself that I was able to trust her completely and I will keep that trust to the other person whom I will date. If she cheats on me, then it is her decision and she is hurting herself. I will be without remorse.

If you don't trust her, this relationship will not last long. Either you trust her or you break up.

We can see that she contributed to making you feel insecure, which leads you to feel jealous.

However, jealous starts from within. It also has a lot to do with trust. When my girlfriend goes out with her friends, I trust her enough that I won't worry about other guys hitting on her. Your girlfriend is going to do whatever she wants. You can't force her to stop being herself and doing the things that she enjoys. That would be controlling on your part.

What you can control is the way YOU react to her actions. Ask yourself, do you trust her? If you do, then let her do her thing and you do your thing. If you can't find it in yourself to trust her, then you have much bigger issues than jealousy.

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.

Well no S*** she's mad at you. Revenge is the LAST thing you want to do if you're trying to have a meaningful relationship. Communicate, don't play games. What a stupid thing to do.

Well I told her I'm sorry and that I feel this is all my fault for not trusting her. I will try harder and all. She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?

Well it's great! You are behaving the way you should. Communication is the key.

She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?


So do as she asks and leave her alone while she gets unp*ssed. I wouldn't want to be around for that anyway.

Well I told her im sorry and that i feel this is all my fault for not trusting her. I will try harder and all. She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?

I'd need some time too. At least you apologized. Think next time before you act. Usually people just jump into action just because they have a certain emotion, yet they do not think about why they are having that emotion anyway. You can be pissed if you want, but how you deal with it is what's important. Give her space.

Thank you. Do you think she will dump me or would she have done it by now? Can I send her a text tonight around 9 saying I miss you?

I wouldn't, I would leave her alone for a few days at the least.

Yeah back off, it's all up in the air right now. Don't fuel the fire.

An apology is nice, now the right thing to do is honor her request.
In the meantime while she is getting unp*ssed, spend sometime focusing on your issues.
You can not control whether someone will cheat on you, but after four years, this girl deserves some respect for being faithful.
If you are so busy chasing her around so that no one swoops in on 'your property', you are going to end up pushing this girl out of your life for good.
With honest communication, without the games, you can help build a foundation of trust, so that she is hiding things from you and you aren't overreacting at every insecure feeling you have.
She knows where you stand, let her contact you next, fight your insecurity and start thinking about ways you can feel better and work better in this relationship.

I really miss her... what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

I really miss her...what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

She'll send you one when she's ready , don't push her.

I really miss her...what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

If she wanted to talk to you, she would contact you. You don't need to guess how she's feeling.

Spend some time doing your own thing. Don't wait by the phone for her either.

Ooops I sent her a message saying "i miss you!" that's it. I had to... its a feeling thing. After I said sorry she said she needs time to get unpissed and after that I sent 3 texts asking y she did that... so I felt since I didn't speak to her all day an ending as an aftertaste saying I miss you wouldn't hurt.

Don't say "oops" You don't feel bad about it. You're trying to get her attention, give her space.

No message back from her. I guess she is out doing whatever she wants while I'm here!

All right well Don't just sit there being un productive, do something, clean your room, wash your car, rent a movie, chill with the dudes, whatever! Just don't sit around waiting for her to call. You have a cell phone, if you keep it with you, she'll be able to contact you whenever she feels ready.

OK... thanx... im just scared she will call and say its over.

ok...thanx...im just scared she will call and say its over.

No point worrying about something that's speculation and you don't have any control over anyway. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

no message back from her. I guess she is out doing whatever she wants while I'm here!

She could be in doing whatever she wants which appears to be ignoring you.

Give her space to think or forget about the relationship.

You are showing that you are insensitive to her needs, wants and desires. If you ignore her wishes, why should she pay any attention to yours?

Give her space to think.

If you don't then you might as well forget about the relationship because you will have pushed her away.

I think we have been through this before Emo, sometimes you have to back up, and let people make their decisions WITHOUT your influence, whether you like it or not. Patience my friend, and don't let your fears rule you, as I know how emotional you are.

Yeah I can be emotional a lot. I just need patience because like today I am scared for tonight. Maybe she is working now and we she gets out she may go with her sister to her church, and her ex is there. Or she may go out with her friend again. But why would she do that? Its like going behind my back again. If she isn't caring then why should I? Shouldn't she be fixing this problem with me instead? And I work tomorrow night and if she doesn't contact me till then I'd be worried sick as to why she hasn't called and where is she. It will be like last week all over again. She text me a few days ago saying she was especially mad that I kept her waiting at her job for an hour and a half because I said I'd pick her up but instead I was paying her back.

You are creating a wedge between you and her with all of the speculation and need to control her for your own security.

She doesn't need to check in, she needs space, so it is not important for her to report to you what she is doing. You have four years together, I doubt you are truly that far from her mind, but she needs her space, if you can't give it to her, she will permanently require space from you. Handle your few days the best you can, don't turn it into a lifetime.

Emo, please stop playing games. As we keep saying, they don't help.

You seem so intent on catching her in a "lie" or with someone else male or female. What life does she have? What life do you have?

Is she supposed to call you when she sneezes? Text you when she goes to the bathroom? Does she have to have her phone in the shower with her?

Do those sound silly? I hope so.

Come on, this isn't the first time your emotions have lead you to some rather impulsive thoughts, and actions. You didn't learn then, and your trying not to learn, again.

Your letting your feelings get in the way of the real point, and letting your mind play tricks on you.

Deal with your feelings dude, stop playing the games, and think with your head, not your heart.


Yeah I can be emotional a lot. I just need patience because like today I am scared for tonight.

You know what you need... patients, not fear, because lets be honest, your getting even with her, is biting you in the butt. The price you pay for playing silly games, instead of keeping it real.

its like going behind my back again.
She is mad at you because of your actions as are you, because of her actions.

if she isn't caring then why should I?
When people are mad, they don't give a rats patoot about what you want. When you were mad, neither did you. Playing games to get even, is not caring, its childish.

shouldn't she be fixing this problem with me instead?
I think she won't care about fixing anything until she gets over being pizzed at you.

Face the facts for once, and take responsibility for your own actions, so you can move forward.

Also face the fact your going to have to wait, and see what happens next, and deal with it, no matter what it is.

Its time for that patients you KNOW you need, and some trust.

Now you can be as emotional as you want to be, and just let your fears get you carried away, and get more of the same as you have been, through some impulsive decisions. But think, is that the right way to go?

Or are we going to get a thousand pages of your venting, and then get a new girl, and start this insane cycle all over again?

Its your choice, make a good one, based on facts, and not just feelings, that you haven't learned to deal with, or control.

Darn reputation spreading.

LISTEN to these people. You're the product of not listening.

Ok... it just hit me. If she is the one who hurt me and did something behind my back and all I did was do it back then why is she so mad? We both did the same thing and I'm okay now so what's going on with her? Its over and we are even! Don't you think?

I think you 'doing it back' was childish and gamish, I don't know why that would make you even.

Maybe it's the realization that in order to go out with her friends she has to lie to you!

Maybe it's the you are so insecure within the relationship, you are checking up on her, she is betraying you and now all she asked for was space and you won't leave her alone.

Maybe it's that going out was fun and undramatic like everyday of her relationship is with you.

These are all things that I would be upset and angry about.

She just called me and hung up after 15 seconds! No sound in background. I called back 3 times but no answer!

OP,

A jealous man
Is one who fears being played for a fool by his woman -- that is how he
Thinks of her, as His woman -- regardless of who that woman may be. The
Woman may change, the woman may be replaced, but a man who cannot rid
Himself of jealousy will see the same flaws in every single one.
Did you read the 7 habbits of highly effective people? The last thing you should worry about is something you
cannot control. And bear in mind, always, that you would do far better
To improve yourself than to seek to improve another.

Man up!

She just called me and hung up after 15 seconds! No sound in background. I called back 3 times but no answer

Ok...it just hit me. If she is the one who hurt me and did something behind my back and all i did was do it back then why is she so mad? we both did the same thing and I'm okay now so what's going on with her? its over and we are even! don't you think?

"getting her back" does not make you "even" it makes you an idiot.

She just called me and hung up after 15 seconds! No sound in background. I called back 3 times but no answer

Emo
This is the exact insecure/obssesive behaviour everyone's been telling you about , and in all seriousness if you don't stop you WILL lose her.

Leave her be for now and let her stew until she sees fit.

She just called me and hung up after 15 seconds! No sound in background. I called back 3 times but no answer

Why did you repeat yourself?

It could have been a mis-dial or jostling the phone or someone else playing around. I wouldn't read too much into it.

You have nothing to be mad about, she is playing a game because she knows you just love games.

Admit it, you like it when she plays with your mind, and pushes your buttons. Isn't that's why you kids do it? Because you love it?

I love games? no. I was hurt and reacted stupidly. I am so nice to her. I'm just having some trouble with trust but I can do better. Now I've been 4 days today without hearing from her except for a call that she didn't speak... n if it was by mistake she would have sent a text that she called by mistake. Its happened other times when she is mad. Now I'm just confused. And how long is this going to last. Is this her payback now?

is this her payback now?

What are you going to do if it is?

If it is... then this time I will talk to her about it n not let my emotions take over.

if it is...then this time I will talk to her about it n not let my emotions take over.

Great answer!!

Keep up that type of thinking and things should get better. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

I've been 4 days today without hearing from her

How many days have you been without contacting her, by text, voicemail, unanswered phone calls?

One of you is sick of the trust issues and sick of the insecurity. Now instead of proving that you trust her, which is what she probably really wanted when asking for space, you have proven that you can't allow her to have her own time. That she must coddle you because you can't cope.

While this may have blown over quickly, you have turned it into a longer process.

I would think it's not payback, but I would think that she is getting closer to putting this behind her.

Thank you cat but I don't get what the rest of you are saying. I've not contacted her in 3 days! I'm giving her space! So what are you saying. Why wouldn't I answer if she calls? We have not broken up and I do want to talk and fix things. Why is this wrong?

Did you try three times to call her back when she hung up?

Have you text her everyday?

The point of no contact is so that both of you can take a step back, reflect and gain some perspective. Once the two of you have had some distance, you will feel more objective and refreshed about your situation.

If you keep talking to each other, you will just add to the confusion and over-analyze all the little details, which is very unhealthy.

Spend this time working on yourself and not focusing on her.

I did call her back 3 times when she called andshe didn't answer nor did ahe send a text that it was a mistake. So that's confusing... also I have not text her in 3 days.

Emo, now, you need to work on the next step. IF her phone calls and hangs up again, don't try calling her back. Let her call again when she is ready to actually talk. Your calling back (3 times) probably seemed like a backward step to her especially if she didn't call in the first place.

Are you finding things to do that don't focus on waiting for her to contact you?

I just came just came out of the movies with my fam. I have to work from 12 mid to 8am now... its going to be torture because I am waiting for her!

I really miss my girlfriend. What if she is thinking about giving up on me? I'm getting to work and I'm so sad because this time last week is when everything happened. I feel so alone. Would I be able to trust her if she returns? I think so as long as this doesn't happen again and as soon as I mention she wants to do something I will say okay. Any words from anyone?

I really miss my gf. what if she is thinking about giving up on me? I'm getting to work n I'm so sad because this time last week is when everything happened. I feel so alone. would I be able to trust her if she returns? I think so as long as this doesn't happen again and as soon as I mention she wants to do something I will say okay. any words from anyone?

If you don't think you can trust her, then you need to say good bye and let her go.

You feel alone because you are so wrapped up in what she does or doesn't do that you can't think about anything else. You need to accept that people in relationships need space. You included. If they don't have that space, they get defensive, irritable, angry, nitpicky, hurtful, etc. Do you have any other friends that you can hang out with while she hangs out with hers?

Okay implies that you are giving her permission again. Instead of saying okay, try "have fun" and mean it.

if it is...then this time I will talk to her about it n not let my emotions take over.

Definitely keep thinking this way. It's NOT easy, I have problems with getting upset in difficult situations as well, It's all in how you handle it. Good luck.

How long Is it acceptable for her to be mad? Sunday will be a week.

So I have a littl e trouble trusting but so does she... hers may be understandable because I used to call girls before but only to get advice on how to fix my relationship... since I found this site its easy to eliminate that part and I got back with her with the promise that I wouldn't again and I have kept it. Now... she did something I didn't like behind my back... I got upset and did it back plus she had to wait an hour and a half for a ride since I was partying paying her back. After this I said sorry... how long is it acceptable for her to be mad? I'm willing to talk already!

So I have a littl e trouble trusting but so does she...hers may be understandable becuz I used to call girls before but only to get advice on how to fix my relationship...since I found this site its easy to eliminate that part n I got back with her with the promise that I wouldn't again and I have kept it. now...she did something I didn't like behind my back...i got upset and did it back plus she had to wait an hour and a half for a ride since I was partying paying her back. after this I said sorry...how long is it acceptable for her to be mad? I'm willing to talk already!

Then you should just call her. At this point she's probably being a Drama-Queen. If she doesn't want to talk, she's being very ridiculous about the whole thing and I'd break up with her.

At this point I am pissed! All this wouldn't have been happening in the first place if she didn't do what she did. She should have spoken to me and said that I have to be more trusting. Then when she was going out she could have told me and whether I liked it or not, at least she told me and then I have nothing to stay mad about. I am super nice to her... I love her... I snapped and did something wrong by paying her back but its her fault anyway... whether I'm jealous or not she can't just treat me that way. Plus I am willing to fix my problem and let her be herself so long as she is honest. Any woman would be lucky to have me... whats wrong with her?

At this point I am pissed! All this wouldn't have been happening in the first place if she didn't do what she did. She should have spoken to me and said that I have to be more trusting. Then when she was going out she could have told me and whether I liked it or not, at least she told me and then I have nothing to stay mad about. I am super nice to her...i love her...i snapped and did something wrong by paying her back but its her fault anyway...whether I'm jealous or not she can't just treat me that way. Plus I am willing to fix my problem and let her be herself so long as she is honest. Any woman would be lucky to have me...whats wrong with her?

Emo, this the same woman that you were having problems with before that Tal mentions. Did you learn anything from the past? Does she know about this site?

The problem is you accused her without hearing her side of what happened. You decided that she "went out behind your back" just because that is what she had planned.

Have you stopped to think that maybe she was going to bed and then had a friend call needing someone? Isn't that what she tried to tell you when you made her prove that she was in her friend's car? She probably needed a friend's shoulder after that. You got upset because she wasn't on the shelf you put her on. She isn't a doll. She isn't a child.

Until these past few days, you really haven't given her time to calm down. Her being mad will take as long as it takes. There is no time limit. She probably is looking at the COMPLETE relationship and trying to decide if it is worth the upset and pain.

One of you needs to break this cycle. I really don't want to be here months, a year, or two down the road and going through this again. Do you?

What do you mean by break the cycle? She text me on Tuesday saying she needs time to get unpissed but isn't this too much time? I even text her on Wednesday that I miss her... its Saturday and still nothing. My brother says to forget about it because she is just going to dump me if its taking this long... I don't know what to think.. maybe I shoud go to her job today and apologize to her.

Or maybe you should take everyone's advice, and do other things with your time. You do have friends don't you or is your whole life wrapped up in this one female? (Like the other females you have had).

Bring flowers or something too. It could really help.

I'm going to tell you something that made me really happy, so you can use it as an example for the future.

My boyfriend wanted to go to a party last night. Instead of just going without mentioning it to me, he called and asked me if I was okay with him going. He kept his phone on him, he called me about 3 times in the hour and a half he was there, I didn't ask him to do this, but it made me feel better. He called me every once in a while because he knew I wasn't completely comfortable with him going to the party, but I trusted him enough to tell him that I was okay with it. And I didn't call him, he called me. He would have asked me to go, But he lives 3 hours away in college, and only comes home weekends. He couldn't ocme back this weekend because the guy he comes back with (his room mate) didn't come back either.

The moral of the story, is that he and I do these things to help build trust.

Any woman would be lucky to have me...whats wrong with her?

With the way you are acting? No thanks.

So should I go to her job?

To bring her flowers?

I can bring flowers... I just want to say sorry and that I miss her and I will try harder to trust her more... althought I did text her this and she said she needs time to get unpissed. But its been a while... should I go to her job now?

I can bring flowers...i just want to say sorry and that I miss her and I will try harder to trust her more......althought I did text her this and she said she needs time to get unpissed. but its been a while...should I go to her job now?

Go for it. At this point I don't think you're going to stop thinking about it until you actually have some contact. You might as well have her say whatever she needs to say in person, rather than avoid your phone calls.

I don't know what to do... I haven't called or text her since Tuesday... should I text her... "are you mad baby? can we talk?"?

I don't know what to do...i haven't called or text her since tuesday...should I text her..."are you mad baby? can we talk?"?

Dude, can you not think for yourself? Or do you have to have everyone tell you how to do things step by step? Make up your own mind, at this point, I think people are sick of hearing about it.Take whatever action you feel is necessary, If you botch it, it's your own fault for screwing up in the first place. Losing sympathy, really.

OK so I went to her job... I saw her working and I said hi... she said hi... then I say are you still mad and she says yes... and she was crying... she says she had to wait an hour and a half outside and I was at a bar. Yet this time she didn't deny tha she was in one the day before... so she lied to me! She says her dad was drunk and if something would have happened to him she would have been mad. I asked if I can wait for her outside because she said I can't stay long and she said no because her friend (that same one at the bar) is going to pick her up to watch the fight tonight at her friends house... she said she will call me. I asked her if we are going to break up and she said yea and that she will give me all my things. Then I said I was really sorry and I shouldn't have done that and it won't happen again... n I said so are we rele broken up and she said she will call me tonight. I'm so sad.

Emo, Is this the same woman that Talaniman mentions when he brings up the past? Did you go through this before? Have you learned anything?

It hasn't even been a week. 7 days. You can't hold yourself in check for 7 days without crying, "I have to contact her because she might not contact me."

A fifteen second supposed call had you texting her three times in how many minutes?

Then you decide it must be payback, are we even?

You are supposedly a grown man. Act like it.

Give her space and TIME. Let her make the first move. SHE ALREADY KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL!!

Edit to add: What now?

Cat... this is the same female... and I thought it was OK to go see her? She called me once and I called her back 3 times... not text. She said we are breaking up so what do u mean let her be the one to contact me... plus when she does call... I should tell her that I sent her a text telling her I don't think I'm going to be able to pick u up... so I didn't plan to do that. Plus y can't she feel bad that none of this wouldn't have happened if she didn't do what she did behind my back? Do I want to be with a woman that does things behind my back? Isn't that the question?

Emo, I was writing my last post while you were posting yours.

So what now cat, oh so happy?

It doesn't matter why she did it. It's done. You keep telling us that she betrayed you and none of this would have happened had she been honest. So if you can't trust her anymore, why are you still trying? No trust = No relationship

If she's the one who broke your trust, then she's the one who should be making the effort to win back your trust. But instead, you're the one at her knees begging her to take you back.

cat...this is the same female...and I thought it was ok to go see her? she called me once and I called her back 3 times...not text. she said we are breaking up so what do u mean let her be the one to contact me....plus when she does call...i should tell her that I sent her a text telling her I don't think I'm going to be able to pick u up....so I didn't plan to do that. plus y can't she feel bad that none of this wouldn't have happened if she didn't do what she did behind my back? do I want to be with a woman that does things behind my back? isn't that the question?

You really need to work on your sentence structure. Have you ever heard of commas? I had to read this 3 times before it made any sense. If you don't know how to do this, use spell check.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You move on.

You take time to get know yourself. Learn from this relationship so that you don't make the same mistakes again.

You work on your control and trust issues. Think about how to deal with issues like these in the future.

Get to where you have a life that isn't dependent on one person always being there in person or on the phone (including text).

Tell me some constructive ways that you can help yourself. Try to list at least three things.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You move on.

You take time to get know yourself. Learn from this relationship so that you don't make the same mistakes again.

You work on your control and trust issues. Think about how to deal with issues like these in the future.

Get to where you have a life that isn't dependent on one person always being there in person or on the phone (including text).

Tell me some constructive ways that you can help yourself. Try to list at least three things.

Gees girl,why has top cat been hiding you?
You are doing a great job and I love your suggestions for this guy.
Can't rep you but I am :D

artlady agrees: I didn't know spell check did punctuation,cool!

Well I spell checked it and let me tell you, it edited the words, but it kept telling me to fix the sentence structure. It does more of a reminder thing then actually edit it. But when I edited it where it told me to, it left it alone. Here's what I translated it to

"Cat...this is the same female...and I thought it was ok to go see her. She called me once and I called her back 3 times...not text. She said we are breaking up, so what do you mean “let her be the one to contact me.” Besides, when she does call, I should tell her that I sent her a text telling her “ I don't think I'm going to be able to pick you up”....So I didn't plan to do that. Besides, why shouldn't she feel bad? None of this would have happened if she hadn't done what she did behind my back. Do I want to be with a woman that does things behind my back? Isn't that the question?"


Just in case anyone who read that post was just as confused as I was, I still have a hard time making sense of the part in red. I have no idea what that part was supposed to mean in the slightest.

I think he was referring to what I said in my post that ended up being too late. :(

Well I spell checked it and let me tell you, it edited the words, but it kept telling me to fix the sentence structure. It does more of a reminder thing then actually edit it. But when I edited it where it told me to, it left it alone. Here's what I translated it to

"Cat...this is the same female...and I thought it was ok to go see her. She called me once and I called her back 3 times...not text. She said we are breaking up, so what do you mean “let her be the one to contact me.” Besides, when she does call, I should tell her that I sent her a text telling her “ I don't think I'm going to be able to pick you up”....So I didn't plan to do that. Besides, why shouldn't she feel bad? None of this would have happened if she hadn't done what she did behind my back. Do I want to be with a woman that does things behind my back? Isn’t that the question?"


Just in case anyone who read that post was just as confused as I was, I still have a hard time making sense of the part in red. I have no idea what that part was supposed to mean in the slightest.

Sounds like too much work for me.I will stick with my often bad spelling and sentence structure and punctuation and hope that someone the message and the wonderful advice :rolleyes: wins out! Thanks hon!

Sounds like too much work for me.I will stick with my often bad spelling and sentence structure and punctuation and hope that someone the message and the wonderful advice :rolleyes: wins out! Thanks hon!

You're welcome. :) My main problem is, if I can't read it. If I understand what someone is saying without proper punctuation and sentence structure, then it's no big deal. I'm guilty of it too at times. But when it's unreadable, that's whenyou know someone needs to go back to elementary school to re-learn this crap.

you're welcome. :) My main problem is, if i can't read it. If I understand what someone is saying without proper punctuation and sentence structure, then it's no big deal. I'm guilty of it too at times. But when it's unreadable, that's whenyou know someone needs to go back to elementary school to re-learn this crap.

Can't rep you.I tried but I agree,
You are a pretty smart cookie for a 19 yr.old :cool:

Can't rep ya.I tried but I agree,
You are a pretty smart cookie for a 19 yr.old :cool:

Thank you! :) I try. Someone in this world has to have common sense, I might as well be one of them.

Cat, that was an amazing post! It really inspired to me and gave me a lot of strength to stay strong. I will answer the questions tomorrow. Good night and thank you!

Well I had so much strength yesterday... today I woke up not feeling so good. I ended up going to her job again today before going to work. I had to tell her face to face that I sent her a text message saying I couldn't pick her up and that her waiting for an hour and a half was not intentional. It was a mistake and I didn't mean for that to happen. She said she is just frustrated and will call me on her break... I said to her that she said the same thing yesterday and she didn't call. So I'm waiting for a call now to see what's going to happen. I feel so lost and confused and hurt

In the mean time, just leave her the heck alone. She'll take her time and contact you when she's ready.

Where's the list? :confused:

Time to show what you have learned that will help you get out of this rut.

Well she called and we spoke calmly. She said she didn't go to a bar and that I should have spoken to her and that she doesn't want to deal with these things anymore. I told her "yes I shouldn't have done that but since I have spoken to u, but I have spoken to u several times before and you knew not to do that and u ignored me and made me suffer. I asked her if we can make this work and she said no. she doesn't want to try and that I just make her miserable which is a lie. We were happy a lot but of course went through some issues... Just that Friday we had a great day and she ruined it. I don't get it! Why!!

I have spoken to u several times before and you knew not to do that and u ignored me and made me suffer.

No, you gave ultimatums and didn't listen (Just like you aren't listening now) and made yourself suffer.

Stop putting the blame on her for you being unable to think and act rationally.

Remember this has been going on for a lot longer than ONE week.

Why are you saying its my fault? I am listening. I know I reacted stupidly. And now she is upset about it but my point is that it wudnt have happened if she didn't do what she did.. which wasn't her first time. Isn't that her fault? I had spoken to her many times before and she said she will be more honest but she lied and hurt me again. Why are you saying I sudnt blame her... I tried with this problem..

why are you saying its my fault? I am listening. I know I reacted stupidly. And now she is upset about it but my point is that it wudnt have happened if she didn't do what she did..which wasn't her first time. Isn't that her fault? I had spoken to her many times before and she said she will be more honest but she lied and hurt me again. why are you saying I sudnt blame her...i tried with this problem..

You aren't listening to her now and I would bet you haven't really listened in the past.

When you use phrases such as "I had spoken to her", it sounds like you told her what to do. Okay, she said she would be more honest. That sounds like she was trying to diffuse the situation more than anything else and try to make you happy.

You accuse her of lying. When did she first lie to you this past week? When she said she was going to bed, but ended up going out? Did she lie or did her plans change. Should she have had to call and get your permission to change her plans? When you "made her prove she was in her friend's car'? You're lucky she didn't break up with right then and there.

Emo
It doesn't really matter who's fault it was for anything. It's irrelevant now because she has told you that this relationship is finished as far as she's concerned.

This is a decision she has made over time and this last incident was probably just the straw that broke the camels back , so you continually bugging her and not leaving her alone is not only making you lose your dignity but it's also vindicating her decision to leave you .

Time to accept it and instead of wasting time trying to win her back it's time to start your healing process. So leave her alone and start NC.

You aren't listening to her now and I would bet you haven't really listened in the past.

When you use phrases such as "I had spoken to her", it sounds like you told her what to do. Okay, she said she would be more honest. That sounds like she was trying to diffuse the situation more than anything else and try to make you happy.

You accuse her of lying. When did she first lie to you this past week? When she said she was going to bed, but ended up going out? Did she lie or did her plans change. Should she have had to call and get your permission to change her plans? When you "made her prove she was in her friend's car'? You're lucky she didn't break up with right then and there.

I agree, it sounded to me like, the whole post, he had just DECIDED that she had lied to him. I'd be pretty pissed to. I mean, seriously, If something changed he should take her word for it. And when she left she was probably in a hurry and didn't feel the need to call. He had already assumed that she was in bed, and her friend needed her. Why bother her boyfriend when she’s trying to help her friend? It’s none of his business.



EMO
Going to point some things out.



Right before I went into work I called to say I love you because I was going to work from 12 midnight to 8 AM. when I called, she answered her phone by mistake and I heard a club scene in the background really loud with people talking. It lasted about 12 seconds and then it hung up. she didn't know she answered but I was shocked because she was out while I thought she was sleeping.


WHY would you call if you thought she was asleep? And even then, if you thought she was in bed, why didn’t you just send her a text? She was going to sleep, why wake her up to tell her you were going to work, when you could have texted her and not disturbed her.



She tells me she is in her friends car and so I told her to prove it and she did. She says that her friend was sad n they went to talk n they are at a store.

Once again, if she was in a hurry to get to her friend, why bother to call you? Her friend needed her. You TOLD her to prove where she was, and she did, and yet you still INSIST that she had to lie to you? What more proof did you need? I would have said it was done then and there and hung up. No need to talk to a guy that doesn't believe me, even when I've told AND proved the truth.



While I was at work I called and called and text and text. she didn't call me back till 5 am!
She says she was driving around and walking at a park talking to her friend and got home at 3 am but slept and then called me at 5 because she was mad that I asked so many questions and was angry.

First of all, if you're at work, concentrate on your work, she had already told you where she was and what she was doing, WHY the heck would you still pester afterward, especially when you're supposed to be doing your job. Not to mention, she was out all night with her friend, and she was mad at you. She was probably very tired and didn't want to deal with your childish behavior. I'm sure she had enough to deal with helping her friend out, and you added a heap of bulls*** to the mix. I'd go to bed too.




Well my problem is that I feel she took advantage of me going to work and then she lied to me about sleeping and decided to go out. That really hurt me soo much. Then I caught her at a club scene and she denies it but yet from 12 to 5 am she doesn't answer my calls. If she was really driving or walkin and talking she could have answered to speak to me. we never ignore each other for that long which leads me to believe she was partying..

Did she even know that you were going to work until you called to tell her? If she did, she was helping her friend anyway, no problem with that, she told you what she was doing. And in bold up there she told you she was in her friends car, and she PROVED IT, how did you catch her at a club scene? Cars have radios, and radios play music, sometimes loud music. Probably why she didn't answer her phone in the first place, I would have waited until I was in a quieter spot too.

You were not her main priority that night, her friend was. YOU were at work. Now she's ending the relationship. Do you still insist that it was HER fault?

OK to make everyone happy it was my fault. Ill take all the blame just like I always did in the relationship. Thanks a lot. She might as well be here... ur more of her friends anyway. Bye.

ok to make everyone happy it was my fault. ill take all the blame just like I always did in the relationship. thanx a lot. she might as well be here...ur more of her friends anyway. bye.

Actually, I am your friend.

Sometime, when you read this thread again, maybe you will understand that it is your mental and emotional health I am concerned about.

Ok I will not contact her again. I said everything I needed to and I have no excuse to contact her now. This is what I believe. I believe that she is a woman and has every right to do as she pleases, but she's a woman in a relationship. Sadly, it's different now. In a relationship there are rules of appropriateness n she should respect me and at least let me know hey babe this is what's going on. There are different types of relationships and that was our key. We told each other where we are going when leaving to hang out. That was our respect towards each other especially to help build the trust and especially when we were having trouble in that area. Do you understand this?

ok to make everyone happy it was my fault. ill take all the blame just like I always did in the relationship. thanx a lot. she might as well be here...ur more of her friends anyway. bye.


THis sounds like you're playing the victim card again. Is this all you know how to do? Can't you just take some initiative and fix things instead of whining about them?

Quote emopunk7;
Ok I will not contact her again. I said everything I needed to and I have no excuse to contact her now

Believe it when I see it.

This is what I believe. I believe that she is a woman and has every right to do as she pleases, but she's a woman in a relationship.
So what, she is still her own person first.

Sadly, it's different now. In a relationship there are rules of appropriateness and she should respect me and at least let me know hey babe this is what's going on.
I can agree.

There are different types of relationships and that was our key. We told each other where we are going when leaving to hang out.
Sometimes that's not possible or necessary, but you still over reacted and made a bigger deal out of something you could have just let go of.

That was our respect to wards each other especially to help build the trust and especially when we were having trouble in that area
According to her, you made a lot of issues out of everything, and don't forget, I have read all your posts. Your very excitable and emotional, and get carried away easily. That makes you hard to talk to. That something you can do something about, with some self control.

Do you understand this?
I understand, but what you fail to see, is its not what others do, or why, its how you deal with it. You have dealt with this badly. Maybe she did to.

Thank you T-Man... believe it or not, she made everything a big deal. I don't get mad easily so she must have done something bad to get me mad. And I usually get over it fast... I like that about me. Its what kept this relationship going. If you think I'm bad, she was mad at me because I asked her at what time she gets out of work. I asked so that I can make plans for us or do something but she thought I was asking just so that I can go to six flags with my PARENTS! While she worked. Yet she can do what she did? That's why I'm even more upset at what she did - that very same night too! And blieve it or not, there is a part of me that wants to be alone and build my trust level. I want to explore more of life and enjoy other people. I want more of life and maybe if in the future we are meant to be then we will be.

Any responses? By the way... thank you everyone for helping with your wonderful words. Great help.

We have tried giving you ideas. How about you give us some?

What are some ways that you can help yourself? Let's see what you can come up with and we can work from there.

Remember that you are looking for proactive (not reactive) and constructive ways to move forward. Take your time and really think about it.

I messed up. It hit me that maybe all this is my fault only. She probably didn't tell me because I would get mad. Then when I asked her to prove it maybe that's why she was mad all night. The next day she did say sorry but I just over reacted. I would get upset when she sometimes smoked. I sent her texts right now saying all this and that I'm so sorry and it won't happen again and I called but ignoring. And that I won't get mad about these things again and when we go out we can both call to say hey like every 2 hours to build both our trust. I messed us up it seems. I am super sad and miserable.

Emo, let's try a mental exercise called: "What can I do next?"

Now give me list of ways you can move on without this particular girl in your life.

What proactive and constructive steps can you take to get over this relationship that will help you in your next relationship?

Remember that for this exercise this relationship is ended and you are strictly keeping to NO CONTACT with her.

Wow, now I think about it and she did have a choice. She had 3. She could have gone behind my back or she could have told me she was going out n that she would call me every 2 hours so that I can be okay or she could have not gone. I actually don't think it is my fault anymore. Or she could have sat me down n we could have spoken about what to do if a situation arises even before a situation... She didn't have to do what she did even if she was afraid I'd be mad. She could have not gone and avoid all this but I guess a girls night out is more important especially when she did this before. What should I think? My fault or not?

Wow, now I think about it and she did have a choice. She had 3. She could have gone behind my back or she could have told me she was going out n that she would call me every 2 hours so that I can be okay or she could have not gone. I actually don't think it is my fault anymore. Or she could have sat me down n we could have spoken about what to do if a situation arises even before a situation...She didn't have to do what she did even if she was afraid I'd be mad. She could have not gone and avoid all this but I guess a girls night out is more important especially when she did this before. What should I think? my fault or not?

So what you expect of a girlfriend is

a. To not do the things she enjoys doing because it makes you feel insecure.
b. To do the things that she enjoys doing but call you at least every two hours so that you don't feel insecure, while you no doubt text her so often she doesn't enjoy her time because she is coddling your needs.
c. Be with a partner who after four years she knows she can't do anything she enjoys because it makes her partner so insecure that it will cause a fight and feels the fight is best avoiding by going behind his back.

How again are you error free in these alternatives?

It is your insecurity playing the biggest role in your relationship. After four years without trust you don't have the foundation of a functioning healthy relationship.

I am not saying it is entirely her fault. We both had trust issues but I respected that and I took care of her feelings. Yet not only did it once but 4 times. Wouldn't anybody be tired of that by then?

What did she do four times?

She went out behind my back 4 times.

So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

Her question was pretty much "you already deemed this girl untrustworthy, so you're fighting about it" As in "why would you even nfight with this girl if you already don't trust her, why not just leave her."

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

That was the point I was trying to get to.

You have your mind made up that the girl is sneaking around on you.
You already know that you are an insecure person.
Yet you are trying to get yourself back into the middle of this dysfunction??
For what purpose?

I'm kind of hesitant to express myself right now as I feel like some people are here to bring me down when I so don't need that right now. And these messages bringin me down seem to get a lot of credit. Anyway, I didn't deem her anything. The last few posts you have been putting words in my mouth as if you are trying to get on my nerves. I didn't deem anything. I had hope she would take care of my feelings as I cared for hers. In the end she couldn't be honest and it kept hurting me until I snapped n now we broke up. I admit that is my fault for snapping and it was wrong but she shouldn't have done what she did to me so much.

Any responses please?

I didn't deem her anything.


In the end she couldn't be honest

... So she's untrustworthy then, right?

Do you not find it odd that the current is flowing one way and you're going the opposite way? Have you not stopped to consider why the 10-12 people who have continuously posted in your thread have said very similar things?

That being said, you just keep bringing up bad things about the girl you supposedly care about. You've lost trust in her. You criticize her actions. Then you blame yourself for bad behavior. Do you not see that you are over-analyzing all the little details over and over again?

This is very unheathy behavior. We've already suggested to you that you take a time out. Allow yourself to reflect on everything that's happened without her influence. In other words, put some distance from her, so that you can recover. Once you're done recovering, you will feel more objective about the situation. But at the moment, you're filled with mixed emotions that is getting in the way of logic.

If you don't appreciate all the great advice that's given to you, then what exactly do you want? You seem to have developed a fantasy world in your mind on how you think things should be played out. Then you ask us for justification.

We respect that you have your opinion on the matter. Even though we disagree with you, we still find time to help you, because we see that you need help and we care enough to put the time and effort to write you a response.

But you have to realize that we also have our own opinion that is different from yours. If you can't even respect that we have a different opinion on your situation, then I'm sure that you don't really respect the girl's opinion either.

She obviously wants space. Can you respect her enough to grant her that wish? Or are you too selfish for that?

That was a great response I Wish. I guess I am all mixed up. I'm just trying to find a way to move on and if I can see that it is her fault for the most part then I can heal faster. Honestly,when we first broke up I was devastated. I took all the blame. I couldn't heal. I called other girls during the relationship and I yelled a lot and I felt I could have done better. Then when we got back together I finally took her on vacation and we had a great time which makes me happy that I was able to do that for her. She always wanted to be on a plane. Then we didn't fight so much but we would get annoyed quite a bit. I never liked her smoking but when I knew she did I would simply say babe... cmon you don't have to smoke but I wudnt make a big deal anymore. I rele tried. I kept my promise of not calling girls this time around and that makes me so happy! I kept my word and I didn't make her suffer with that anymore. Really everything was great on my part and I was so happy I was able to not hurt her. The one problem though we both had were with trust. I mean a few times I went with my friends and played poker and a few times she went out with her friends but soon it stopped. We were so busy with work and school. But one day I went on a cruise and I found out she had gone out with her friend without telling me... I know you all say she doesn't have to but I always did to make sure she is okay... y can't I get the same treatment. Then I went to Pennsylvania for 2 days and again I called her and she says she is home and I can hear when she is lying and she was out with "stunna". Then when I got to her house 2 days later she got a text and she hid it and deleted it. Then I said who was that and she started crying and told me to leave. I said I can't take that when I'm trying so hard and we have to split but she begged me not to and I asked her if she will be honest from then on and she said yes. I forgave her as usual. Then it happened now again!! I was going to break up with her since this time I caught her and its been an ongoing problem.

But I thought if I did it back maybe she can understand what I go through. Well I did it and she broke up with me and she says its mostly because I left her stranded waiting for a ride for an hour and a half. But I did send her a text saying I don't think I can pick her up but it just so happens that her phone was messed up or something. But that part was not intentional although the rest was. Well whether I did it back n we broke up or I just broke up with her right after she lied again doesn't matter to me because she was taking advantage of me. But deep inside I am sooo happy for not repeating my mistake of calling girls n using everyday to make her happy and take her on a vacation. I am happy I did that. Somehow hanging out behind my back is more important though.

Any responses? Please!

Instead of trying to get new responses, I strongly suggest that you re-read all the posts from the beginning. Everything that needs to be said has been said already. You just need to go through the posts again to find it all.

Yea thank you but I mean what do u think of what I wrote now since I gave u the full background of everything?

That the right thing was to break up.

You are analyzing and analyzing, but you aren't healing or grieving for the loss of your relationship.
The relationship was toxic and is over, you need to focus now on your life, who you are and where you want to go from her.
If you are waiting for us to encourage that this was all her responsibility, that thought process will not benefit your healing process.
What will benefit is knowing that the relationship was dysfunctional and that you have a better road ahead, but in the meantime, it took two to destroy your last relationship, now you have to find how you can grow from this experience, so that you build new relationships with better foundation.

Well that's really not good. I think she's confused or just isn't liking the fact that you work all the time, but she has to realize that you have that responsibility & when you have time to see her she should put you first or at least tell you. I think you guys need some time apart. She needs to realize that she truly loves you & will make time for you. In that time don't speak to each other for like two weeks & if she misses you & hasn't been with anyone else you guys need to talk things through & be honest with each other... no more lies. Hope everything goes well. God Bless.

Editted for grammar

I'm going through a messy time myself but honestly I can see that you're all over the place with your feelings towards her and this relationship. In my opinion just chalk it up as a loss, this relationship has run its course and now is the time to just let it go and consider yourself first and only yourself to work on. Just forget analyzing anything and everything that had to do with the relationship and quit asking people on here for opinions about this relationship because you have gotten some great advice on what the next thing you should do..

Just work on your own life and let the one you had with your ex girlfriend go.

At some point your going to have to learn to deal with your emotions on a more adult level, and replace game playing with honest communications.

I haven't even cried one day since the break up. I guess the first cut is the deepest. Its like when you know things are your fault you seem to miss all the good. But since I did my best this time around I feel so happy for the most part. I feel good about the way I handled most situations. I learned from my prior experience and although I feel I did much better I know I still have more to learn and I am going to work on that now. I have been looking forward to the future instead of the past. I know there is always a rainbow out somewhere. I choose to not suffer this time around. I'm looking forward in being single for away and enjoy all of life! You guys have always been awesome! You all have a good place in my for helping me now and in the past. I will do my very best in staying focused to the future. I will be back soon... thank you!

Take care and good luck.

Well I woke up a little sad because of our memories together. This can be so sad. I am trying.

Your emotions are going to be up and down, weak and strong, but everyday you will get stronger than the last.
Just keep your head up and start worrying about you first.

I'm did so good today... I took a shower and went to the gym then came back and now going to the movies! I'm having fun! I am trying so hard to get a six pack... almost there... will send pics when achieved... is this okay?

I'm did so good today...I took a shower and went to the gym then came back and now going to the movies! I'm having fun! I am trying so hard to get a six pack...almost there...will send pics when achieved...is this okay?

Besides that, you should also think about buidling your career. At the age of 23/24, you are at the early stage of developing your networking and learning from the wise at work. Isn't that more important for your future? ( I am not saying stop dating, just shift your focus on bettering yourself in BOTH professional level and personal level).

So does everyone here think it is OK for my ex to sneak around behind my back just because she thinks I would get upset if she told me, even though I had asked her the first few times to please be honest (and she said ok) and then things would be different and we won't go through this?

So does everyone here think it is ok for my ex to sneak around behind my back just because she thinks I wud get upset if she told me, even though I had asked her the first few times to please be honest (and she said ok) and then things would be different and we won't go through this?

You are still dwelling in places you shouldn't be. Try to move on, otherwise you are making it impossible for yourself to get over her.

You don't need to criticize her actions anymore. Whether it's right or wrong is irrelevant. She's your ex. She can live her own life and you live yours. She's in the past and leave her in the past. Focus on the future.

There are so many things about her that you've pointed out to us that you don't appreciate. Now that you've broken up, you can actually list these things to yourself, so when you do meet someone new, you'll know what to look for in terms of compatibility.

I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing because we have been together so long. But I just wanted to know if what she did is acceptable just because she thinks I would get upset instead of trying to be honest after the first 2 times when I asked her at least try to be honest.

You are doing the right thing because right now you are the only one who wants to work out this relationship and you can't work on a relationship alone.
Past experiences are keeping her from being honest with you and although you may not like that thought, it may keep her from being honest with you. That isn't going to be a healthy relationship quality.
You both have damaged the relationship and now you have to move on, focus on you. It's hard to walk away from a long relationship, but if the relationship is toxic, you can't force the relationship to continue.
You need a new beginning.

She reacted to your controlling ways and after being together it would seem more trust and freedom would have been the healthy course for this to have gone, not less.

When you try to put boundaries on others that they don't like, deceit is what you get. That's a lesson for the future, not to be controlling and insecure.

Yes insecure, as if your worried when she is not there for you when you want her to be, you get start wanting her to tell you every move she wants to make and become a dad, not a partner. Of course she was tired of it.

After all this time, my wife would have done the same thing, had I acted as you did, I think.

Emo, I am not going to comment on her actions in the past. It is now in the past. You are not with her anymore so digging at that hurt will keep it from healing.

Move forward. Get your life on track and someday find a woman that you enjoy being with and who enjoys your company. Use what you have learned from this past relationship to not make the same mistakes twice. Use the communication skills that we are trying to help you build to talk with the future girlfriend about what you both expect in the relationship. Build the relationship together from the foundation up.

Why does everyone say I'm controlling? She told me she was going to a club with her fam and friends and I said OK! I said have fun... She told me and I said okay! But nobody understands that she would not let me go out!! She was super controlling and that didn't make me do things behind her back! I took care of her feelings! Always! So how is it that its OK for her to go behind my back more than 3 times even when I let it slide a few times? How is it fair? And don't you get it? I was asking her to be more honest and she said she would but she wudnt tell me when she was going out... so what was I to do? It was her choice... plus suppose all this is wrong... people who rele care would go to couple therapy and not give up... so please!

Because you expect that she can't go to the clubs because it is your fear that she will find another guy. That is insecurity controlling her to try and keep her under your thumb, so you don't risk losing her.

Your opening post, she did not tell you, she went, you found out by calling her and hearing the background noise. Do you remember the original post? It's at the top of every page.

No... I know she didn't tell me about that night. But one time before that she did tell me she was going with her family and friends... I said for her to have fun... but that's what I mean... she would never let me go to a club or with a friend late at night but yet she would go behind my back so many times and maybe its so that if I don't find out then she won't have to deal with me going out. So I think that's y she hid it... but that's irrelevant... she still went out behind my back and I never did that to her... thats my point. Its not fair. Right? This is my question. I need it answered. No beating around the bush... answer that please.

If you felt it was unfair, you should have dumped her. When you condone bad behavior, you get more of the same.

No, it's not fair.

But it doesn't matter. This isn't about fair, right or wrong, this is about moving on and dwelling and obsessing.

She doesn't want to be with you right now. You have to move on with your life, you don't get to dwell and obsess over her.

she still went out behind my back n I never did that to her..


it has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others

There is also the "payback" to teach her a lesson.

Definition of never: Not ever. Has not happened before. At no time.

"...we both..." means that BOTH of you have done the same thing. Not just her. YOU, too.

Stop rewriting history to suit your desires and look to your future. As long as you are caught up in proving that she was a lying, two-timing whatever, you are not going to heal.

Do you know how much that hurts to hear you say that if you did what I did your wife would leave you too? Thanks a lot. And nobody get my point here.

Okay Emo, you want the truth, you got it, instead of resolving your issues together, it deteriorated into game playing. Instead of confronting the unfairness of your situation, you let it go, and chose to play tit for tat, so she could know how you feel.

Your hurt, And I know that, but no way do you get to shift the responsibility from you, to anyone else, for how things worked out.

Sure you can make a case for her faults, but there is also enough blame for you too, so the quicker you acknowledge your own faults, the quicker we can sympathize with your loss.

Bottom line, we don't care what she did, its what you did about it that's the real issue to all of us here. Its done, and we all want you to heal, and be better for the experience. It may take a while, but you will be okay for it.

T-Man... I couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me. When it got to that point where she did it again I couldn't take it. Being that she was just as controlling, even though we both didn't want to be n we tried, I don't think its right that I never used it against her n yet she still went behind my back more than once n all I said to her was to be honest next time n still tman u say its my fault for being the same way that she was and u are wrong because if I respected her she couldve respected me.

I couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me.

No that's a big problem, and your problem to deal with.

You say its my fault for being the same way that she was, and You are wrong because if I respected her she could've respected me.
Yes she could have, but she didn't did she? You should have dumped her when she kept crossing the line of bad behavior.

Don't get mad and feel so disrespected, when you allowed it because their were no real consequences for her behavior, because you, "couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me"

That was your position. So you got dumped for it. It may not be right, but the results are the same.

Thank you T-Man for finally understanding. I appreciate it.

So what should I do next time? Should I always be willing to dump a girl for something they do? She was the first to ever curse me out... was I suppose to dump her? Haven't u ever been cursed at? When I frustrated her at times I'd get cursed at. Or going out behind my back... is that a reason? We had good times but I don't think she really respected me too much. I'm doing good with no contact on a good note... is it bad to get a little sad about having to go to work?

Emo, did you see my earlier post that said that you and your future girlfriend should discuss what you both expect in the relationship. Set boundaries that you both can live with.

One person setting boundaries is not a good thing. A good relationship should be a partnership. That doesn't mean everything runs smoothly or you get along all the time. It means that you work together to iron out the problems.

A little back ground on myself.. I was taught that clubbing and going to bars is not a good thing since I was little. That's mostly why I get mad my girls would go... not mostly because I didn't trust but since it was wrong for me then why would they go alone... then I started going for my girlfriend so I would wonder why would she want to go alone... so that's how that problem started with gfs...

Things I worked on this time around...
1. I wouldn't get mad about clubbing or going out to bars together and I did it happily, but soon enough she wanted to go alone at times and to me that was crossing the line and I guess that's wrong of me?

2. I didn't talk to other girls on the phone.

3. I was always honest. She didn't like me seeing my girl cousin chrissy but I still would but I'd tell her even though she would be mad. Something she wudnt do for me!

4. I accepted her religion more and even would ask her to go to church because I don't think she ever asked me to go. I would go and pray a lot at her catholic church so that she knew I wanted to be a part of her.

I have a problem with gfs smoking and wanting to go clubbing and bars with friends. Should I just learn to accept it and that's it?

Also is it reasonable to not want your girlfriend to go to a club or bar with only guys? My other ex would tell me she was going out with only guys to a bar. Is that okay for me to not accept that? Se would say I couldn't come because they wudnt like me.

Emo, I can not tell you what is right or wrong to you. I can only tell you that when you get involved with a person she has to already share your basic beliefs. You can not change someone to fit what you need or want in a mate.

Do you know the saying about a square peg in a round hole? It isn't that the peg won't go into the hole. It's that it doesn't fit properly in the hole. There will always be a gap between the two unless the peg is too big for the hole and they are forced together to the point of damaging both.

No one will fit perfectly with you. You have to decide just how much of a gap between you and your future mate is acceptable for you and look for those qualities. You also have to decide what you are willing to compromise on. Compromise is and communication can be great padding to fill the gaps.

Bottom line is that, when you find this woman, you have to sit down and decide together what the boundaries for the relationship are. Boundaries that both of you can stay within and what the expectations are if either of you cross them. You both also have to keep in mind that relationships grow and change as the people in them change. That's Life. Part of being in a relationship is communicating and working together to decide if the changes are something you can both live with.

Relationships fall apart, sometimes it isn't beneficial to try and determine 'blame' like you keep trying to do. The emotional dust is still high. Wait for your evaluation for a time when your emotions aren't clouding your judgement.

Right now, I want to hear about you, who you are, what you like to do and all those other things about you. Right now every comment is about you and her, I don't seem to believe that you understand you are still a person without her. You can't give up who you are, how you feel for a person, you have to love you first. I am not reading that in your posts. I am hearing I love being with someone else so much that I will do anything, be anyone just to please them.

I need your help! I don't know if its because I had work today n I know I have to go back tomorrow and the next day but when I had my days off I felt strength n now I felt it go away. I find myself missing her more and thinking I won't find someone else like her again n I can hardly remember the bad she did. Its like my inside forgave everything she did and just wants her again now... what can I do? I need to be reminded of the bad she did so I can move on but I hardly can now. Am I getting worse instead of better? I'm scared of getting too sad again like last time.

Emo whatever happened you are still you.
You need to realise that you are a person in your own right and you are not dependt on anyone else.
However much this hurts here and now you need to move on and leave this behind you.
For your own good nobody else's.

Should I put back the post from the last time, to review what was told you then? The advice is the same as before. Leave her alone, and go about your business. The feelings are the same for us, all after a break up, granted you may be more emotional. But for you this is the second time in a few years that you have gone through this. It took THOUSANDS of posts to talk you down then, because you couldn't/wouldn't listen.

My question is didn't you learn last time what to do?

Others don't know you as I do, but I do know its time to relax, and do what your supposed to. At the top of the list, going to work, and anything else your supposed to do. Heartbreak is not a free pass to sit and mope, and be unproductive.

Reread some of your older posts GIVING good advice to others, and follow your own advice. You got through this before, you'll do it again.

Uh oh... I can't help but think that I want to go back n I should call her. What happened to my strength? I need to be around her. I can't help but think she is going to take me back soon. What's going on?

Emo, I think you are determined to keep up a relationship that doesn't exist. What's going on is you playing mental and emotional games with yourself and us instead of actually listening and learning.

Why haven't you responded to latest advice instead of going on about wanting to contact her AGAIN? You know what we are going to say.

As long as you have your mental gears in reverse you are going to keep repeating yourself and making us repeat ourselves. That doesn't get anyone anywhere.

OK... so what do I do? I have too many good memories n I can barely think of the bad n when I do I blame it on myself anyway!

ok...so what do I do? I have too many good memories n I can barely think of the bad n when I do I blame it on myself anyway!

Stop thinking about the past-good or bad. Let it fade into memory.

Work on your self-esteem and respect. READ and PAY ATTENTION to the advice you have already been given.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-chat-speak-no-text-talk-303157.html

Given your time here, if you want this thread to stay open, you must follow the rules.

Ever ask yourself why you would still be so hung up on someone that has essentially constantly punked you out?

I haven't followed too much the thread but there is already almost 20 pages of comment. Emo, stop thinking and stop complaining. We help people that help themselves, if they do not want to listen then we are all wasting our time.

You know what you have to do, now you just need to follow it. You have feelings, but use your brain and stick to whatever we tell you. It is not your first break up and your story doesn't seem so bad. My ex kissed and cheated with another guy and took a picture of it while we were still together, and 2 weeks later with no contact I was able to get myself in better shape. So should you.

Ok... I don't want everyone to think they are wasting their time. I have kept no contact and so far I haven't even cried once. I feel I think a lot about her but trying not to. I try remembering why this is all happening in the first place. She should have been honest and not gone behind my back and ignore me for 5 hours while I'm at work. I didn't deserve that. Knowing she was caught she could have gone home... she didn't have to stay out and ignore me. Anyway, sorry I just mentioned the past but it helps me right now. Its hard when you love but trying to be mad so that you can not feel so bad.

I just want to be happy. I'm staying active. I keep going to the gym. I want to get a six pack and I'm almost there. I love music and I have a rock band. We are practicing again on Tuesday. I just need to find more things to do.

For my next relationship I will be more trusting and at least let the girl go out with her girlfriends. Honestly I think I didn't really do anything wrong except maybe get mad when she wanted to go out... ok so call me the worst boyfriend ever.

Emopunk, let me give this a try.

You made a few mistakes here but I don't think you are a lost hope for future relationships.

I myself do not trust women as far as I can throw them. As much as everyone tells me to and to give them a chance, I cannot. There are no certanties in life.. and a relationship is definitely not one of them. There are many conscious and unconscious factors at play when it comes to love and relationships regarding the way a woman will perceive you. More often than not, a lot of men do not realize this is even happening, if they are getting lucky or failing miserably.

Don't play their games back at them, they will get even more mad at you than you did at them, and will probably end up leaving you if it persists. I don't really think that it was your fault for that, because she was lying to you. You definitely have to be a man and call her out on her BS from time to time too. You can't always say "oh its ok baby" because she will think you are a pushover. You are a man who demands respect, and gives it in return. Remember that.

I don't think anything myself or anything else here will convince you to be more trusting of a woman when she goes out with her friends, or to a bar or club. I won't sugar coat it, men are probably checking her out or trying to get with her. That's the sad reality. They don't care if she is single or if she has something with you. Nobody these days respects the boundaries of a relationship. It makes me sick, but that's just the way it is.

I definitely feel where you are coming from not wanting her to leave your side because there's always that risk of another man stealing here away. That's something you have to realize and understand, it's a risk you take when you get into a relationship with somoene. For the future, you need to be prudent and picky in who you select as your partner. Make sure it won't be someone who does this . I don't care how pretty she might be, don't settle for her if she isn't someone you can TRUST and who can be MATURE and HONEST with you. No amount of good looks can compensate for a lack of those qualities in a woman. I'd date someone less good looking to have those qualities.

Bottom line: Even if you can't trust them or aren't confident in yourself or in her. Do not show it. At least create the illusion that you are the most confident, trusting guy there is. Worry about her all you want when she is gone, but don't confide in her that you are worried or that she can't be with other men. After she hears this from you over and over again, she will lose her attraction for you because you are too naggy and aren't confident enough. At least fake it if you can't be trusting.

Hope this helps for the future

Thank you for that High Max. What gets me mad is that I thought everything was going well... I was at work and she told me to bring my charger but I knew I didn't need it for only one shift. Then I had to work another shift without knowing but I was going to call her on my break and tell her. By she kept calling and calling and texting for me to pick up with angry texts like where are you and all that. So I can't rele use my phone there so I text her I will call you soon. Still she kept on and so I kept texting that I will call you soon. After like 2 hours I text "I'm at work"... but she was mad. She said why I took so long and all that and I said I know I should have told you sooner. I honestly didn't to get a bit of a reaction from her because I had been feeling like she only cared about her job. But then I called her and she was out with her sister and since it was Thursday I had a feeling she was going to go out with her sister to their church where her ex is. I text her "r u getting mad at me just so you can go to that church... she said no... I said OK then later I said where are you going and she said with my sister to church... I said why is your ex going to be there and she said no he isn't going to be there... well then she goes and she says she is in the car but I found out she was going inside anyway... the next day we made up and have a great day and then that same night she sneaks out behind my back... I just felt this thing like she just wanted to keep sneaking out. I wonder what it is. It must be something if she has to want to sneak out. If I have to text her exactly when I have to do another shift which is understandable to me and she wouldn't like me going out by myself, then why does she have to do it... I don't get it...

We would swim and play around with each other and have so much fun. I don't think I could ever find that again. I'm so sad.

How do you move on when you don't have anyone to text that cares and nobody to make plans with for a day off? How can you move on when they are all you can think about and you miss them? When you feel you haven't done anything wrong except what they did to you n now they break it off and your left confused as to how can that one thing break you up when I did everything else so good. Where is the mercy and forgiveness? I am still here and would always be. Why can't she??

N even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. All she said was well if your mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break... pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt... she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about and come to an agreement.

I know my friend, its damn cruel and it sucks. I have been through so many women since the love of my life last July. And I have not found one that I have loved or felt for like I did with her.

I won't lie, this isn't easy. I miss her and wish she were mine again everyday. At least it wasn't your fault completely. I completely ruined what I had. I have to live with that burden forever. :(

n even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. all she said was well if ur mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break...pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt...she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about n come to an agreement.

Emo, read what you wrote. THINGS WERE NOT GOING WELL if this is how your arguments went.

Pay attention to Tal's warning.

T-Man... u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?
And thank God for this site... it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

High... I reread and it wasn't u that someone cheated on... but how did you mess up?

Paxe... how is it that someone cheating on you is worse? I'd rather that than this because I sometimes feel I could have changed certain things whereas with your situation you know its all her fault.

Tman... this site likes telling me what I did wrong and I'm hoping its to help me with my next relationship but I need to remember what she did wrong as well as it helps. I was just a guy in a relationship who loved a girl... I gave her my everything and I made changes and worked at it... somehow she didn't want to work through the hard times and would give up instead of fix things. I always begged to fix things and to talk but she wouldn't want to. We had great times and we had bad times and we make changes... we had a mutual agreement of not going out a lot without each other but if we were going to we would be honest. That's important to me and she messed it up over 4 times... I know she didn't rele like my girl cousin but I invited her for a sleep over with the fam but she said no because my cousin was going to be there... but at least I was honest. Then that same night she said she loved me and went out without telling me... I was pissed and now something similar happened... is this a pattern of hers?

T-Man...u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her...what do I do now?
And thank God for this site...it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

Emo, I know you like talking to us. I sometimes wonder if that is part of why you keep obsessing over her. Do you think we won't talk to you if you appear to be getting over her?

We want you to be healthy mentally and emotionally. We won't stop talking to you just because you stop going on about where to place blame or that the anger is diminishing.

I, for one, would love to hear more about the gym and how you distract yourself from calling her. I would be ecstatic to hear that you are making new friends who don't know about her and that you are finding ways to feel good about yourself that don't involve putting someone else down.

It isn't easy to let the hurt go. We have a tendency to want to hold on to it as a life preserver, but it only pulls us under. When we let go of it, we can get our heads above water and breathe again. But as long as you have a death-grip on it, we can't help you to the surface.

Cat... I do think nobody wants to hear what I have to say anymore n I ask that everyone gives me a little more time please.
Is it possible that this is a pattern? She feels trapped or bothered and goes out behind my back even though she said she would be honest. Is this acceptable?

Also has anyone done these things with their significant other and then break up?
Go shopping,
Hanging out, have fun, give each other massages, sleep together, sex, make cute faces and love each other, talk about marriage and kids??

Look. The past I don't know how many pages have been the same things. Was this acceptable of her? Should I accept this behavior? She did this. She did that. Was this a reasonable thing for her to do?

It doesn't even seem like you're trying to move on or take anyone's advice here from what I'm reading.

People are losing sympathy.




Sure you can make a case for her faults, but there is also enough blame for you too, so the quicker you acknowledge your own faults, the quicker we can sympathize with your loss.

Bottom line, we don't care what she did, its what you did about it thats the real issue to all of us here. Its done, and we all want you to heal, and be better for the experience. It may take a while, but you will be okay for it.

Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

I am glad that you are trying. Every day that you let a little bit more of the anger and hurt go is better for you mentally and emotionally.

How is the 6-pack going? I know you said earlier that you were getting there.

What kind of music do you play?

That's what we want to hear. What you're doing for YOU to let yourself heal.

Don't reflect on everything yet, wait until sh*t settles.

Makes goals. I see one is getting a 6-pack. You work on the rest of your body as well?

We play rock music and I play the drums, I'm pretty good. I'm going to do more workouts tonight when I get home.

Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?

To answer your question before emo, I didn't give her enough attention and wasn't there for her when I should have been. She got fed up and moved out and I never saw or heard from her again.

Is it possible that this is a pattern?

Yes it's a pattern as no matter what you agreed to she did as she pleased, and you went along with it.

Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?
By rights you should have been the one to walk, instead of letting her punk you out. But you chose the easy way out which kept the good times rolling, instead of nipping this in the bud.

T-Man... you say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?

The fact that nothing changed because you still allowed her to walk all over you, should tell you that getting back together was not the answer to the problem.

What you do now, is don't make the same mistake, and go through the healing process, and move on this time. That simple.

Knowing you though, you still want her back, and will take her if you think she will finally agree to your program.

Stay busy guy, with doing your own thing, as it will be quite a while before your healed enough to see where your emotions have taken you, and what following your broken heart, has made you. A sucker for her false hope and dishonesty.

Keep yourself respect and dignity this time around by disappearing from her life.

OMG!! If ever someone deserved an award for their advice, T-Man, you got it!! That was amazing, especially when you said I should have walked away and nipped it in the butt instead of letting her punk me. Yeah, you are so right. T-Man... this time I have not cried so far and I feel a lot stronger than the first time. Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone n not feel hurt if I see her with someone. I know I can be okay.

Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone

Emo

The last thing you need right now is to try and find someone to replace your Ex , they will just become a Rebound which may ease your pain temporarily but not good in the long run. Also then you'll be playing with another persons emotions and that wouldn't be fair on them.

What you need to find is YOU , so get cracking with NC and start by keeping yourself active and stop dwelling on your Ex.

Good Luck and we'll all be here to talk if you need us.

Emo, I hope you can keep up that attitude. It is a lot healthier.

Give yourself time. Remember, no quick fixes. Like getting the abs built up and learning to play the drums, you can't rush healing but it will be worth it when you come out stronger.

Well I have been doing semi-fine. I decided to make a list of all the bad things and see if it would work and it is helping. This is my list so far:
She rushed me off the phone and said she was going to bed but she lied and went out.
She said she would be honest the next time but she wasn't.
She gets mad when I have fun without her.
She curses me out when she is mad.
I never gave her a reason to not trust me nor did anything behind her back.
She cursed me out in public in front of cousin and cousin's boyfriend.
She cursed me out just because she was sad and I was having a little fun with my family after our vacation. Though I text her to not be sad, everything is okay and I called her but she ignored it. Then she called me an hour later cursing me and saying I don't care when I did.
Swinging her hands at me in public.
Ignored me for 5 hours while she hung out and I was at work worried.
She would slam my car door and throw things at my car when mad.
She attacked me and scratched my face.
She received a text once and deleted it quickly and then when I asked she cried and told me to leave.

This list helps me not be too sad but sometimes good times still creep up and it gets hard again. I still feel bad for paying her back and it kills me when I think of that but then again I couldn't dump her and talking to her for the third time wouldn't be an option so I was lost.

I suggest you make a list stating everything you can do to make you feel good about being you.

Emo, I am really at a loss, you have all of this helpful advice that you keep overlooking for your own demise.

Your focus shouldn't be her, it needs to be you.

As usual Emo, your trying to rush through a process that takes time.

Nice vent/rants though. You need that, too!

What do I do while at work and my heart starts to hurt. And how do I know I will be able to find good love again?

Focus on your job, and stop worrying about the last female, or the next one. That's crazy, and a waste of time.

Emo, I am really at a loss, you have all of this helpful advice that you keep overlooking for your own demise.

Your focus shouldn't be her, it needs to be you.

I agree. Focus on what you can do to make yourself better. It's past the time to make a list of her wrong doings. Long past that. You know what she did, you know she's not worth it, and you should be thanking your lucky stars that you're a free man now. So focus on goals

I'm sorry... I had to vent a bit... I find myself so down and sad and I feel like I ruined everything. Is this normal? I want to be happy. I just keep rethinking everythin that happened like every detail... I miss the good times so much. Will I ever find love again?

You're a hard nut to crack :P

Sh*t, man, quit rethinking and go forward. You will find love if you let yourself heal and quit putting so much energy into thinking about this deceased relationship

Its just that she was the only good thing I had to look forward to... that was my mistake.

its just that she was the only good thing I had to look forward to...that was my mistake.

That is what we are trying so hard to get you to see, yes, it was your mistake.
You revolved your life, your thoughts and your actions around her. You have lost your own identity.
You have to find you, if you want to be a successful and happy person.
You have to love yourself, you can't love others until you do.
If you can't refocus on the person that is most important in this situation - YOU - than all of your relationships will run this same course and be just as dysfunctional.

You said the same things last time, no more questions, you know the drill, its time for action.

its just that she was the only good thing I had to look forward to...that was my mistake.

I've made that mistake too with my first love. I'm dealing with it now getting over it. I don't know who I am or what I want any more.

I'm a senior in high school and time is running out. But I take it one day at a time

I called and I know I shouldn't have... it was so hard. Its my first mess up but it wasn't so bad because she didn't answer and so I text saying sorry I called by mistake. I will try my best not to call again... I want to make a goal and do everything to keep it. From now to Oct. 30th... no contact at all!! I may need support. I know I kind of messed up but it wasn't so bad... I won't get close to it again. I feel like a drug addict. This sucks.

I'm having such a hard time accepting the break up... ahhhh!! I hope some of you pray. Please pray for me... I really want to feel stronger and be an example but right now I can't lie. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

You don't need to criticize her actions anymore. Whether it's right or wrong is irrelevant. She's your ex. She can live her own life and you live yours. She's in the past and leave her in the past. Focus on the future.

You still have time. L thought l will not be able to move on after a long time relationship. Broke up with my four year guy but now l have moved on... take your time l know its painful.

I feel like a drug addict. this sucks.

These may be some of the truest words you have typed.

It is one of the big reasons that you need to keep up NC. It is also a big reason to stop focusing on the relationship. You are using the obsessing over the details as a way to get your "fix".

One day at a time. You will get there.

I've made that mistake too with my first love. I'm dealing with it now getting over it. I don't know who I am or what I want any more.

I'm a senior in high school and time is running out. But I take it one day at a time

Not to get off track, but why do you think time is running out Derelict? You still have your whole life ahead of you! Your time as a child may be running out, but the adult world awaits you :)

I am feeling horny lately... I will go to the gym today and then to the movies. I find myself wanting to go home and watch TV... is that okay? I feel bored and lonely.

Gym and movies are great -try to keep busy. Feeling bored and lonely are OK too, normal feelings in the aftermath of a breakup.
Try to make plans to do something that makes you feel good every day.

Not to get off track, but why do you think time is running out Derelict? You still have your whole life ahead of you! Your time as a child may be running out, but the adult world awaits you :)

I mean planning for college and deciding a career.

Well everyone I think I came to the bottom today. Peace of mind is everything. After the two times of telling my girlfriend that its best she not lie about where or what she is going to do, it was now clear it wouldn't end. If I felt the anger and need to pay her back then deep down I already knew it was over. Everything does happen for a reason. I can't blame myself for not being trusting or any of that. If I felt I couldn't trust her then that's the end of it. I just couldn't trust her although I did love her. All I asked was that she do as pleased but to please not lie about it. After all honesty would be highly respected in the end even if I did get upset especially when we spoke about it before. I couldn't trust anymore and peace of mind is very important to me. I will always appreciate the good times and have a place for her but it is over and I have to accept it and not blame myself because I did try and took care of her feelings, always. If she wanted it to work, there were ways. Honesty is very important to me. There are many more fish in the sea as sad as that is to say.
I have only cried once recently and I think part of why I'm doing so good is because I know this wasn't my wrong doing. I also learned a lot for my next relationship and I will still try being very trusting. I will only expect honesty in return. I don't expect what I don't give and even still I don't ask for much as I love to give more. I am a great guy who knows how to care for a woman and to respect them and love them. I just hope I can meet the right person someday. Overall, I feel uplifted today and seeing things in a bit better light. Some things just aren't meant to last but to be appreciated and remembered for the time they did last. I know I can do this and I have a life to live.

Good news Emo!
And yes no trust no relationship.
Sounds as if you re learning and recovering and of course you will meet someone great when you re ready.
Have a good weekend.

Is it a good idea to talk to other girls and try to stay positive? I recently started talking to my ex ex and she replied she seemed happy and she said to forget about the past because we were young and she said to call her to catch up or if I need a friend... im excited because she is gorgeous and was very nice to me and she is not mad at me. My mind also feels occupied now and I feel happier and if anything were to happen I can def. practice trusting with her and see how it goes.Anyone interested in seeing the convos? Any thoughts?

Is it a good idea to talk to other girls and try to stay positive? I recently started talking to my ex ex and she replied she seemed happy and she said to forget about the past because we were young and she said to call her to catch up or if I need a friend...im excited because she is gorgeous and was very nice to me and she is not mad at me. My mind also feels occupied now and I feel happier and if anything were to happen I can def. practice trusting with her and see how it goes.Anyone interested in seeing the convos? Any thoughts?

Of course it's a good idea. Just keep it cool, and don't go off half cocked

My heart is beating hard because I'm a bit sad... I didn't dream about her today... im still sad how we had a great day and she tells me she loves me and all and then she says she is going to sleep and goes out behind my back and when I call she doesn't care if I'm worried and stays out till the next day... I feel hurt and confused but sometimes I just say she probably didn't care so much anymore. I know I wasn't bad at all... I did everything for her and I mean even when I kept her waiting while I would get ready, I would feel bad. I always took care of her in every way. Why did she choose not to care for something that's important? I would never do that to her. The second she thinks something I'm there to protect her feelings... thats love to me.

So what if I did it back... its not like I cheated. Even cheating people stay together and we never had a problem like that. I dealt with her issues and nobody is perfect. How can she just walk away like nothing... just recently the sex was even getting better where multiple times she said that was the best sex she ever had and I gave her the best massage ever because I know she likes it and I literally stood an hour on her and it was great... I pick her up from work all the time so she doesn't have to take the bus which she hates and all this... I mean I can see what happened between us as a problem but not to break up... I try finding jokes to tell her and I ask about her school and work daily and I take her out and dress good and put cologne and we spent time with my family and watched movies and laid down together and hugged and played around and played sports and I put a lot of effort into the relationship and she doesn't think we could fix this... sure we get mad but when you break up and are able to go nearly a month now, then there had to be something else. What do you say?

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes things just don't work out Emo.
And we have to get on with it-accepting that we tried and it turned sour. You deserve to have a good fullfilling life-allow yourself to let this go.

Thank you very much for those words Amicon... Its that people here say that its my fault for being a little jealous and for making a problem when she wanted to go out clubbing or something... I mean of course I will be a little jealous because I love her to death and of course going out to a club or bar isn't the best of places to go alone but I never said no... I only expressed how I felt... the problem was she would go out without telling me and then she said she would be honest and she wasn't again and I was hurt... but I don't get why she wanted to break up... besides this nonsense I was so good to her! So good that I'm positive she will never ever find someone better. I'm sure she knows that.

But for your own sake try to move on- you ll have good days-some rubbish days and then one day you ll be basically fine-trust me- I ve been there done that etc.:-)

Yeah I guess today isn't my good day. Isn't it strange how someone can just give up though... maybe stay mad for a week but breaking up was ridiculous. I don't get it.

Where is T-Man and Cat and Friend4U and a few others I can't remember?

I wasn't listed so I guess I shouldn't input.

Everyone has a breaking point. What are you doing for you these days.

I am here, emo. :)

Just letting you find your feet and get some slightly differing opinions.

You seem to be doing fairly well except for the slight backslide every now and then.

You just need to stop thinking in terms of she and her when they apply to the ex. It doesn't matter what she knows or knew. She is no longer a factor in your life.

What matters is that you are learning that you exist as more than 'her' boyfriend. I am glad that I think I am finally starting to meet emopunk instead of just emo. :)

Sorry I missed you Justwantfair... Of course you should input... I get happy when you all write... its something to do you know and its very helpful too so I like this. I know everyone has a breaking point... but I just don't see that as a big enough reason still... I dealt with it with anger or I would have not spoken to her for a week... either way I think she had me on a leash the whole time as she could have called it off anytime and I felt like I always had to work to keep her. I doubt she cared as much as I did but she was nice a lot of times. This just sucks.

Cat... thank you for your post... makes me verrry happy! Yeah I get sad sometimes but surprisingly not nearly as bad as the first time... I was a mess then... How are you doing? Do you watch any TV shows?

T-Man... I have never asked you... how are you doing?

either way I think she had me on a leash the whole time as she could have called it off anytime and I felt like I always had to work to keep her. I doubt she cared as much as I did

You said it all yourself here Emo , keep reading it and take it in. No one deserves to be treated like that.

As my favourite Tal quote says:


"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."

I am really glad that you are doing better this time around. It gives me hope that there won't be a next time. :)

I'm bored...

Anybody there?

Lol, I bet you all would have gone met... if you imagine your girlfriend dancing with someone else in a clubbing... well... u know... girls have the desire to... well... u should know it...

Lol, I bet you all would have gone met...if you imagine your gf dancing with someone else in a clubbing.....well....u know...girls have the desire to ...well...u should know it...

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn81/kidmat/ltsev9lf9.jpg

Thanks a lot derelic! That was funny. Lol

Well I can't lie and say its all roses now but I feel very happy and everything seems great. I'm talking to a few girls and well I hope there will be more... one seems very interested in me... It keeps me busy and distracted quite a lot.
Mornings, since its so quiet and lonely, really suck... I am doing pretty good I think and it has only been a month... thank you everyone for baring with me... I appreciate... I may have a few more vents but I think I'm okay... letting the emotional dust settle a bit more before I put things into perspective.

Good for you Emo , and vent away whenever you need to it's good therapy :cool:

Emo, I am glad you are doing better. Just take your time and have fun. :)

Thank you Cat and Friend! You both are very encouraging! Well I have a date on Saturday! I'm kind of excited and she said she is very excited to see me again. We used to talk while back. Well of course I'm not jealous or anything especially since I'm trying to be very cool and relaxful... but I guess it was a little weird for me... here it goes...

We were talking and I liked that she was open as I appreciate honesty a lot... she would tell me about dates and how she met losers and all this stuff which is cool. Then she tells me she has been talking to a guy but she says that he is "gorgeous" and that even I would like him... lol But she says he is a party guy and she couldn't trust him and he lives in jersey (we are in NY) and she can't see herself with him... But I'm not rele bothered but just wondering if its "normal" for her to tell me a guy she dates/dated is gorgeous... I find a bit funny and of course I didn't say anything because I don't want to start acting stupid and then she won't open up... so again... just wondering about that... is it nothing?

P.S. While it happened and I was thinking of it, I quickly thought "its all about how you deal with it" so I decided to let the entire conversation go its course and then talk to my friends here before anything. I quickly thought "smart move". Lol

Ep, you want honesty-you got honesty. :)

Some people will talk about anything and everything. It comes to mind-it exits mouth. It doesn't sound like she meant to put you down or hurt your feelings. She was just being upfront and treating you like a friend which is what you need right now. However, it is common to be taken aback when the conversation takes strange (to the listener) turns. Just don't take what she says personally. I don't think that is how she means it.

I am very proud of you for not over-reacting. Remember that you have no hold on this female other than friendship. So, try not to expect any more than you would from a friend.

Take it slow. Your still healing and you don't want to get into a rebound relationship that sets you back below your starting point.

I hope you have fun on the date. :)

Well I didn't go to her house or anything because she had to study but we kept texting... we will hang out on Tuesday... besides that, today was suppose to be our anniversary... im a bit down.

I want to move on but its so hard realizing its over and she was so pretty to me. I was used to her and we had great times... how could I forget that. We did so much together and if I were bored I'd call her and out we went or did something... now I'm bored and alone. I don't know what to do.

Ep, you need to get out and do something. Sitting at home with your memories isn't going to help today.

Do you like cooking? Have you tried baking bread? Kneading dough can help get out some frustrations. Cooking can also be time consuming and involves hands and head. Useful skill, too.

No I'm a doorman so I'm stuck here till 12... its only 3 pm.

So, you are at work. That does kind of make it boring.

I hope things pick up or you find something suitable to keep busy.

I just find it weird how she just said she needs time to get unpissed and then after a week I go to her job and say sorry and sonce she wouldn't tell me I asked if we are broken up and she says yes... like I have to ask? And she goes straight to hanging out the next day. Mind you we had a great time before all this... I don't get it... then when I caught her I was upset that she lied and then she throws that she hasn't gone out with her friends and all this stuff just like last time and I'm like this isn't even about that... u could have been honest but your lying... why? Then she says she doesn't have to tell me and she doesn't have to check in... n I'm like what? What is that about but I was mad so I said yes and she said fu ck you to me and then she hung up on me and then she didn't call me till 5 hours later and I'm sure she went to hang out again. I feel bad for doing it back the next day and I tried not to but on the phone when I asked her what is she doing at night she said staying home and then she said what you want to come babysit me or something... I was like what? This is only happening because you lied for the 3rd time without being honest when you said you would. I have reason. But that pissed me off too much and then payback came and I feel bad. I know how hurt I was the night she lied to me and it hurt a lot but somehow I still want her... is something wrong with me?