She left your relationship months before you did. Accept that she wasn't as invested in the relationship in the end as you were.

Don't forget to do the laundry and put your clothes away. Oh, and get rid of the items that are too worn-out or small to wear. They take up too much valuable room.

Ok, I cleaned my room! I just feel blah!

I think I ran this by you once before but anyway, it's a good one...

If you didn't like what you were watching on TV, you would change the channel. You hold the ability to change what your thinking about. When you give your thoughts power, you start to obsess about things. Things you have no control over. You just need to change that channel.

You guys are great! Thank you for helping me out so much all the time!!

Pics please:)

Thanks, Ive been here and there. Ive asked some questions, answered some. I had a B-day a week or so ago. That was interesting (dont have words for it)
What have you been up to? Oh yes... Painting.

Ok well as I mentioned before... the great date girl who I don't really like much especially since she ignored my last text has been spotted today on my way home from work. She stops and we say hello. She seems excited to see me and we after a few words she says for me to text her later... Of course I'm not going to until she texts me first.

Second Erica my ex who I sent a text on Tuesday saying "hey will I ever see you again?" the next day she sends me a text saying "lol sure you wanna hang out?" I respond saying "sure when are you free?" She says "any night I get out at 6" So I respond saying "well I'm free tomorrow what do you wanna do? club, bowling, movies?" I get no response and now its Saturday and I get a text saying "so you're in PA (pennsylvania)?" because she must have read my status on Facebook that I'm going to be out here today. So, apparently she is out here and she sends me a comment on Facebook as well saying "haha me too"... So do I text back saying yes I'm in PA? Its already 4 hours later... I just don't know if I should text back since she ignored my last text... oh and I even sent another the day after saying did you get my text and still nothing... What do I do?

Ok well as I mentioned before...the great date girl who I don't really like much especially since she ignored my last text has been spotted today on my way home from work. She stops and we say hello. She seems excited to see me and we after a few words she says for me to text her later...Of course I'm not going to until she texts me first.

Second Erica my ex who I sent a text on tuesday saying "hey will I ever see you again?" the next day she sends me a text saying "lol sure you wanna hang out?" I respond saying "sure when are you free?" She says "any night I get out at 6" So I respond saying "well I'm free tomorrow what do you wanna do? club, bowling, movies?" I get no response and now its saturday and I get a text saying "so you're in PA (pennsylvania)?" because she must have read my status on facebook that I'm gonna be out here today. So, apparently she is out here and she sends me a comment on facebook as well saying "haha me too"...So do I text back saying yes I'm in PA? Its already 4 hours later...i just don't know if I should text back since she ignored my last text...oh and I even sent another the day after saying did u get my text and still nothing...What do I do?

This is no where near as harsh as I feel like getting:

Emo, did you bother asking the 'date' girl if she even got the text that day? You assume she did and ignored it and now you are playing games. Did you leave it as you would text her later? Is she waiting for you to get in touch WITH HER? If she is expecting you to text her and you don't, then I hope she ignores you the next time she sees you. She deserves better than for you to play contact games with her.

Now, why are you playing around with the ex again?? I guess you haven't learned anything. You won't give a new girl a chance, but this female who has played games and supposedly abused you for years, you start whining about 'what do I do?' What do you want to do? Go for another 1300 posts trying to get your brain back on track?

First of all cat I have grown some respect for you but with a post such as the one you posted really makes me want to react the same way you spoke to me but ill be better than that. All I ask is that next time you speak to me with a bit more respect. That type of tone was not needed.
Anyway, why do I always have to assume they didn't receive my text?
Secondly with erica she was only a girlfriend for like 6 months but she was gone for a month because she had to go back home and that when I got back with my ex... either way its just to be friends and just go from there. Ahhhhhhhh! I didn't expect this to be a difficult process! Geeez!

Ok so I should just text both even though THEY are the ones possibly playing games! I don't want to play games and I never do... but if I think they aren't responding me but yet they text me then I should respond to them... its not fair... but I'm always a bigger person so I would text but I am just asking here what should I do. Are they playing games? I can text Emma the date girl because I understand what you mean but you could have said it better. As for erica what is that about? Should I text her... I am not wanting to play games... I am ASKING FOR ADVICE FROM WHAT I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS AND NOT HURTFUL PEOPLE! She should look the other way? Please!. I should. Don't make her sound better. And I wasn't talking about my ex that I'm getting over... be easy... thanx cat... Anyway, what to do?

I guess I will just text back both of them... Everyone is so good at giving advice when someone messes up but when I ask before I do mess up nobody wants to give advice. I don't get it. Any answers?

Personally I'd avoid any situation which seems to lead to potentional confusion so I'd just let it be.
When you meet the right girl I think you ll know Emo till then just take it easy.

If I confused exes, then I apologize to Erica.

However, IF you left your last conversation with Emma as YOU would call/text HER and YOU decide to wait until SHE calls/texts YOU instead, then YOU are playing 'games'.

What I am seeing and the reason I am being harsh is that you are starting to play mind games with these females and yourself. Emma misses one text. Instead of finding out if it was a mistake/she didn't get it/her phone was acting up/etc. you write her off and start on 'sour grapes'. What happened with Erica sounds remarkably like what you have written about the other ex which where my confusion comes in.

If you feel like they are playing games, then don't respond. Let them go their own ways and you go yours.

Send a text to the date girl if you want, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the fact that she didn't respond to that one text. It sounds like it might be too soon to make contact with your ex again though, but that's just my opinion, you'll have to decide for yourself.

Thank you Cat for being mature and not getting upset at my response. I thought you would but hoped you didn't. I can see where you got confused. Just to inform you, being that I felt like maybe you are right and maybe its me just thinking too much, I sent both a text. Guess what? Neither responded... It sucks... I don't get why they even bother writing or talking to me if when I do what they want they don't respond. Being neglected sometimes makes me miss my ex.

What's with all the texts , why can't you try to call her and talk. Surely that would stop some of the confusion.

Did you ever think you need to meet other females? Your always looking back, why not forward.

Texting is great, but calling is better and face to face is the best. Actually, leave the girls alone, and diversify your activities, as your need for attention may be what influences your choices. Hmmm, the bad ones anyway.

You guys are right... I will leave both alone. It stresses me out thinking of all this... I will just not think of it. I just can't believe my ex broke up with me.

You guys are right...I will leave both alone. It stresses me out thinkin of all this...i will just not think of it. I just can't believe my ex broke up with me.

And until you stop thinking about this and just accept it , the longer you'll be stuck and keep coming back with the same questions .

We're with you Emo but you have to help us help you as well , there's no easy fix. It's one step at a time but we have to make sure each step is a forward one , each time you come back and ask the if's and why's we take a backward one.

You accept it by realizing it happened and it can't be changed,and by leaving this in the past you will repeat WILL move on to,when you're ready,a better and more loving relationship.

K well around 12:15AM emma (date girl) sent me a text asking where am I and then I told her by the ferry and she said come find me... Well we spoke and it was cool. She also says she wasn't ignoring me but she has been out of it.

Anyway, I am registering for school this week. I have band practice and we will be playing our first mini show at a house party soon and we have band practice on Wednesday. I made a song up and will be performing it during christmas for the family. I keep going to the gym daily and if its too late I workout at home like last night. I did finish painting and now I have to get mini blinds and glass doors and track lights but I have to find $400 before any of that. I'm excited for that! I prefer staying with family rather than friends for some reasonbut I will hang out with them on Thursday at least just to get out. This is me pretty much me right now. Am I doing okay for 2 months and a half?

This is me pretty much me right now. Am I doing okay for 2 months and a half?

If you feel like you are, then you are. It sounds like you are doing better than before and that is great.

I hope all goes well with your show. :)

Sounds like you're doing lots of interesting things and keeping busy-that's great. You're fine,try not to worry and look forward to a good week-and you've written a song, I'm envious now!

K well around 12:15AM emma (date girl) sent me a text asking where am I and then I told her by the ferry and she said come find me...Well we spoke and it was cool. She also says she wasn't ignoring me but she has been out of it.

Anyway, I am registering for school this week. I have band practice and we will be playing our first mini show at a house party soon and we have band practice on Wednesday. I made a song up and will be performing it during christmas for the family. I keep going to the gym daily and if its too late I workout at home like last night. I did finish painting and now I have to get mini blinds and glass doors and track lights but I have to find $400 before any of that. I'm excited for that! I prefer staying with family rather than friends for some reasonbut I will hang out with them on Thursday at least just to get out. This is me pretty much me right now. Am I doing okay for 2 months and a half?

This is more of what's good for you! Sounds like progress to me.

Keep it up! Keep an open-mind. Be open to doing new things and meeting new people. Leave the past behind you. Move forward with your life.

I'm get confused. My ex and I didn't trust almost at all and we still lasted almost 4 years. So I don't get it.

I'm get confused. My ex and I didn't trust almost at all and we still lasted almost 4 years. So I don't get it.

STOP taking those backward steps Emo :rolleyes:

That's the "unaware of importance of trust and communication" situation with both of you. That's why its not significant with you both, but it came in the long run :) Now u're experienced, and raising your own standards! You're not confused emo, just unaware of it... Keep it up bro! You tend to look back all the time, I hope all you act on was improving yourself, not adding the confusion!

Ok! I have the pictures but I am on my cellphone and I have no idea how to send pictures here on the post for everyone to see. Is there a way?
I just finished watching 'Law Abiding Citizen'! Awesome movie!

SONG EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO! 'Without You' By HINDER!! Listen to it NOW!

Great song! Music's a good healing tool.
Sorry can't help you with the pics,but have a great day!

That song is not strong enough for me, I like Owl City, the melody just made me feel on top of the world!

Ok! I have the pictures but I am on my cellphone and I have no idea how to send pictures here on the post for everyone to see. Is there a way?


Emo
Transfer the files from your phone to your PC via USB cable or the like , then follow the below instructions on how to attach pics from your PC onto here:

A. "Attach" files (including pictures) from your computer. This method puts the attached file below the text of the post.

Click on an Ask or Answer button to ask or answer a question
Compose your question or answer in the window.

Under the window where you composed your question or answer is a section called Additional Options.

Click on the Manage Attachments button: a pop-up dialog will open.

NOTE: The Manage Attachments dialog lists the maximum sizes of the various types of files that may be attached.

Click the Browse button to navigate to the image on your computer and double click the file on your computer: this will return you to the dialog window.

Click the Upload button.

Click the link to close the dialog window OR repeat numbers 5 & 6 to attach another image.

B. "Embed" image(s) from the internet. This method inserts an image wherever you wish within the text of your post.

Click the Insert Image icon above the posting window: A pop-up asking for the URL will open.

Enter the URL of the image in the field then click the OK button.
Source: AMHD FAQ's
.
Hope that helps.

Dude let that broad go... sorry for a lack of better words, no reason to want her back after she did you like that...

Find a girl who you can trust without any problems... 4 yrs is gone... relationship got stagnant... and she left... I been through it and I'm glad its over because of all the problems we had!

Move On, NO COMMUNICATION

Thank you Friend4U! The manage attachmentswasnt working yesterday. I will try again later.

I recently read a thread stating that her boyfriend is controlling because he wouldn't like that she spoke to guys online and I think to better myself I need to see my own problems now. I remember one time my ex wrote to a guy online during a game of poker on myspace. They wrote back and forth regarding the game and saying lol and a few other things I can't remember... I was kind of bothered mostly because it was a good looking guy. She never spoke to anyone while we were both in a game room together and the fact it wasn't even a girl but instead a good looking guy while she thought I wasn't in the room kind of bothered me. I did mention it to her and she got upset. Yet, she would've gotten very upset if she saw me doing that. So, Is it bad for me to be this way for future references? I want to better myself.

P.S. my ex sent me a blank email...
It just says "sent from my palm pixi"
I don't know if she is showing off her new phone or what but it's the first semi contact from her in 2 months and a half. What's that about?

Just talking to people never mind what sex they are while you're playing a game's kind of normal I'd say. I mean we all of us here talk to each other because we've got things in common.. .
Her email-ignore,ignore and don't think about it. For whatever reason she sent it,remember,silence is golden.

My ex sent me a blank email after almost 3 months!! Should I respond? What do I say?

DO NOT RESPOND

If she wanted to say something to you it wouldn't have been a blank message. So either she did it by mistake , or she did it to get rise out of you.

Don't get involved with game playing and undo all the progress you've achieved so far.

Dude, c'mon.

Is that even a question at this point.

Don't go backwards.

Emo, u choosed the right path, the only path. That e-mail is a meaningless act of her, don't even think about it. U must be strong to face the flashbacks and do not break down and step backwards!

I hate to admit it but since the blank email yesterday I feel like I've lost so much energy! I don't feel like doing anything almost all day! Oh nooooo! I keep thinking of her... little things n how we went on vacations together and I got to sleep next to her and have her anytime and talk and I mostly miss her cute body. I love her asian eyes and face. I was so lucky... now look at me!

Emo, don't let this stop you from moving on, I can understand what you're saying but you have a number of good things coming up and a plan for the future so see this for what it was- a blank email meaning nothing.

So a blank message put her back on that pedestal? Just like that? Well, Ya know what Im going to say... CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
You know,, If she sent it to you on purpose, that wasn't very nice. She knew it would drive you up the wall wondering what it meant...
Rockie

It's like Friend4U said, if she wanted to say something, it wouldn't have been with a blank email. Either it was a mistake, or she's fishing for some kind of response. Just ignore it in either case, you'll feel better soon enough.

Well, I didn't feel so good today. I actually cried for the third time in almost 3 months. I have not responded to the email. I will not go backwards... I suffered enough.

"I will not go backwards...I suffered enough."

That's exactly the right attitude. Keep it up.

There's only one way to go-forward. And you're going to continue on that road.

For the first time, I actually reread my entire thread. With the emotional dust mostly settled and my great progress, I actually noticed a few things. In the beginning I thought everyone was against me but it was the total opposite! Everyone has been trying very hard to help me. Cat, thank you for being there since the beginning and giving me the best advice. Same for you TMan! Thank you, IWish, Amicon, Paxe, Friend4U, ohsohappy, justwantfair, and vanheart!

I have been doing a tremendous job in my recovery. I have continued with my band, continued working out, fixing my room, hanging out with friends, registered for school, manage to focus on my job, and not holding anger and being polite and great and humble to everyone as usual. I am happy to know that I can still be myself. Everyday is a step forward. I am happy for these things. I just want to do so much right now. I think I'm understanding everything better and that this is for the best and for my experience because there is something better waiting for me. I think everything happens for a reason and this was a preparation for something better.

That's great Emo,I'm proud of you. Cyberhugs. :-)

Oh no! I was going through my email and there were pictures of her and us! I'm scared if this will draw me back for a while now... We looked so happy and she was so pretty... uh oh! Why did I want to keep looking at it and stare at it?

Delete the pictures. Delete anything that draws you back.
What's not there can't hurt you.
Stay strong now.

OK... deleted! I'm okay!

Its been 3 months and I still think of my ex and it hurts sometimes. Surely she is not feeling this way or else this wouldn't be happening. What am I to do? It's not too bad. I have had a lot of progress and I'm sure there will be more but I don't want to go through this anymore. Also fear of another relationship going bad and so on. Help...

Its OK buddy.

Those feelings will pass if you control them & let them.

Don't worry about anything like what she's thinking. Especially who's next.

Get yourself on track first. Learn from this one.

Realize this is over. That's a good emotional start.

Listen to yourself in your previous post abut recovery. Keep riding that.

She's not going to hurt you any longer.

The past is the past.

Now what?

In the beginning I thought everyone was against me but it was the total opposite! Everyone has been trying very hard to help me.

LOL... don't worry Emo you aren't the first and certainly won't be the last.

Point is , now that the emotional dust is starting to settle you can actually to see it :)

I surely have accepted it's over and I don't even want her back. Hence, the no contact. I just think of cute things we did, for example:
1. She would raise her hand to speak in a cute way playing around and I would select her and she would say "You Cute!". Then I would raise my hand and she would select me and I'd say, "You Cute!"
2. I would tell her to jum and she used to do this cute little jump. The pictures she took were sooo cute and she looked so happy and innocent.

I just don't get it. Since she started working, she didn't want to see me as much. I can still remember how she would sneak smoking so that I wouldn't find out. She would get upset and either ignore me or throw me out of her house or curse me or swing at me or throw things at my car or slam my door or yell at me in public. She would always wonder who text me and would never believe me. If I were home and she thought I was in my car she would say "prove it" and I would so that she knows I never lie to her. She always thought I was trying to talk or look at other girls and I always reassured her that it's only her because it really was! She would always say she doesn't find any celebrity sexy except me. But I was like c'mon, can't we be honest and be friends a bit and not so strict? I would tell her the ones pretty to me were beyonce and sandra bullock. She would get upset and I'd say but you are prettier and sexier. I don't get it. I never went out behind her back even once. If I were caught once, I wouldn't do it again but yet she did it four times and I still feel bad for doing it back cause that's not like me. Still just for that one time she broke up with me. Even throughout all this, call me stupid, but I'd still accept it all just to select her raised hand and hear her say, "You Cute!".

Rant on.

Everything about your post is about her. She, she, she...

And celebs.. hehhehe.
Plus she went behind your back 4 times. And you still are worrying about her.

What about you, now.

I have been wanting to put an update for a while but couldn't push myself to do it. Here is an update. I have been doing a lot better as far as feeling pain this week. I wake up and I don't really feel anything anymore. Though at times she crosses my mind and I still get sad a bit. I keep thinking its my fault. I wonder what things I could have done differently and saved a pretty good relationship. I don't know anymore. I often wonder that maybe its not my fault since I did tell her 4 times before to please not do things behind my back and lie about it. And every time she did it, she said its because she barely gets to hang out with her friends. Yet she never even mentioned about wanting to hang out with anyone so that always confused me. Then when I would get upset about her lying then and only then would she bring up that she never gets to hang out with friends or something along those lines. It confuses me and I would tell her I have no idea what she means because I'm only bothered that she lied and not that she is hanging out. I never questioned her cheating. That just always confused me how every time she lied then she pulls that same card of "i don't hang out with friends". Why not say hey I'm going to go out with so and so today. Was that emotional blackmailing?

I remember once she wanted to go to a party where an ex was and I said oh you just want to go to see your ex and she said f... you and hung up. She didn't go to the party that time. Then about 2 years later she says she was going out to a club with friends and her sister and I was like OK cool and have fun. Then another time she was going to hang out with friends and I was like OK cool. She went and I asked for her to call when she got there. I ended up calling her and asked why she didn't call when she got there and that was it. I can't remember anything more drastic than these so I don't see her need to lie. Let alone I always took her out with me and never felt the need to do things without her. Confused.

Focus on yourself. Not the whys & what ifs. That's only going to cause more confusion as you are certainly realizing.

The less mental & emotionally energy you spend on her, the better.

Its OK to run all of those past tapes in your mind, but only if you can learn from them & know when to take a break & step back in a clear way.

Hello confused-do you know you're overthinking the past again? You are doing so much better Emo keep moving forward and don't get hung up blaming yourself for the past.
Look forward to the future.

Those memories sound real clear in your head as if your brain is processing them all the time. Emo, go buy a ton of brain boots and give yourself a kick in your brain when this virus sets in!

I get it... but nobody answered my questions... Please friends, answer them or give me your opinion at least. I feel like I wrote my last post for no reason. I need to hear your opinion and talk with you all about it. I have more to say and ask. Please respond. I know I have to keep moving forward and I am. I just want some responses. Talking about it and venting is useful... pLease heLp!

Emo

If my GF was constantly questioning & badgering me whenever I went somewhere without her I'd get sick of it after a while , a good relationship doesn't require constant answers and you have to learn to trust or it won't work anyway in the long run.

I definitely feel you have some major trust issue's when it comes to this girl , so it's something you should work on before you get into another relationship.

Now stop thinking about this girl , IT'S OVER , and start moving forward again.

Thanks friend4U but I don't understand what you mean about constant questioning and badgering. I even gave the mian situations and they only included like a question or two and dropped. Please reread. Where do you see that I have major trust issues. To be honest, if I read my post, I'd say that is perfectly normal and in fact pretty good considering 3 and a half years together. Please explain why I have major trust issues.

Especially when I told her over 3 times to be honest and not lie again because it hurts me. If she wants to hang out then just let me know. If she is still going to go, I'd rather her tell me instead of this. Still she couldn't do this. Did I ever do anything like this to her especially when I was dedicated in making us work? no. But sure, say I have major trust issues but it makes a lot of sense... not really. Please explain.

If emotional blackmail fits, than that is probably what it was. Try to realise, not all girls feel the need to play in this way. A healthy, loving relatioship will have no games. Be aware of your 'guilt and blame thoughts' as just moments of reasoning. Not as thoughts fruitful enough to dwell on for longer than a moment. Also, not to be applied to any other relationship in the future.

Amicon, Friend4U, Vanhear and Rookie please respond.

I agree 1000%. Couldn't have said it better.

Learn, and be aware. Reasoning, yes.

To be together emotionally as possible. With all things.

I just looked up the word trust in the dictionary. Seems that it isn't something measured in degrees. Hard for me to explain... Trust, it seems, is something you offer after it is both of your resolve to be faithful. With trust, you will be able to expect with confidence, that problems will be resolved, because you believe in each other without any fear. You will place confidedence in the fact they speak the truth.

Thanx friend4U Please explain why I have major trust issues.

But sure, go ahead and say I have major trust issues but it makes a lot of sense...not really. please explain.



Comments on this post
emopunk7 agrees: Thanx Rookie! I will always give 100% in my next relationship. My only problem possibly is to trust more..

You said it here yourself Emo , and it's riddled through this whole thread.




BTW , if I don't reply straight away it's because I'm not on the site so don't think I'm ignoring you and I'm sure that goes for the others.

Can anybody read my previous post and give me some serious feedback?

Thank you very much Rookie! I always appreciate it... I guess I am feeling a bit down right now... not too bad though. I just don't see how she couldn't handle the relationship anymore and broke up. This girl almost never trusted me. Always wayy jealous. And just with 2 or 3 episodes of me in the past which I mentioned in my last post, makes me someone who has major trust issues? How? I couldn't even go with my family alone to a park or to the movies without letting her know or she would be pissed for days and she would say you're going to regret this and threaten me. Yet she goes with friends and to places where her ex is and yet I still just tell her to please not do it again and always gave her a chance. But why would she do this? And if she was so jealous and cursed me out when upset and hurt me, how is it that she can dump me?

I think you would help yourself a lot by accepting the fact that just because you think, or see things one way, others may think, and see things another way.

You keep going back to your past interactions, and questioning why she did this, why she did that. You haven't grasp the power of accepting how a person is, just because that's the way they are.

My friend when you can accept people just because that's the way they are, you will have gone a long way in understanding them, and their actions.

You have to empathize at some point because what's reasonable to you may be crazy to me.

Once you accept she is a nut, then you can understand why she did nutty things. It really is that simple. She is who she is, and nothing you do will ever change that. Just accept it, and stop looking for other answers when there are none.

Just asking.. Did you read my dictionary response? What can you gather from it? Just interested...

Here's the thing. Would anybody here betray their girlfriend and tell her you are going to bed while they work and instead go to a bar or club with a friend? Then even after she finds out, instead of saying sorry or going home you get mad at her and curse her and say you haven't hung out in a while and then hang up? Then ignore her calls and texts for 5 hours until you get home and ignore how worried she is? Is that love?

I went through that... The last time was my fourth time. Yet every one says I have trust issues... I think its more that I have issues of being hurt and taken as a sucker. What do you think?

Do you remember the Remote Control we all have the ability to use? You need to start to use the On Demand button... We All Have Been Hurt from time to time. I don't like labels like 'sucker' I'm to strong to keyhole myself like that. I adapt! Life gives me lemons... I in time, I will make lemonade.
Use the talent you have, to make your focus more meaningful.
I am waiting... Show us.

I think your rehashing old feelings, but have avoided the real facts in this situation. She was not capable of rationale thoughts, and actions when it comes to you, just because she doesn't think the way you do, and you have passed over the fact that she had her own motives for what she did, and the way she did it.

If in fact you had been paying closer attention, you would have kicked her to the curb long ago, instead of constantly tried to fix things according to your own logic. Every time you thought it was fixed she did something else in a way you didn't like, and off to the races once again, trying to fix things.

Logic should have told you her actions were unacceptable, but you were so in love, you were determined to change her for the better, but she was having none of that, nor did she want it. Matter of fact, it more than likely pizzed her off.

So now you have to keep going back over old ground to find a way to understand her, instead of accepting the very real fact that her love was very different, than yours was. That's why the chances of you both lasting for ever were slim at best, so now its over.

Don't worry, your not the first guy or gal that wonders what changed in this love thing, nor are the first or the last to try and figure it out so you can know what to fix.

Truth is, it is the way it is, and sometimes there are no fixes to be had. You just have to move forward, and don't look back.

Hey Rookie... Trust I believe is what you said. It goes along with confidence. You can have confidence and still not trust someone, though. Some people are not trustworthy. Trust isn't something that is earned in my opinion. Instead it is something given automatically until it is proven that the person can no longer be trusted. I only had a problem with my ex because she would go where her exs were, but I still never forced her to not go. I would simply just express myself. She seemed understanding. But whenever we argued, then she would go without telling me and that started to kill my trust and it confused me. There was never anything with a guy, but still it was betrayal in my eyes. Is this justified?

By all means, whoever reads my questions as a way to hang on, its not true. In fact I will be 100% honest in saying that I will not ever go back with her. I am moving forward. Just certain things I need to talk about right now as a process of moving on and its helping.
Tman... thank you. I think I have to reread your posts a few more times and truly understand. There seems like a lot to think about... hahaha Will get back to it soon and give you my feedback more clearly.

I only had a problem with my ex because she would go where her exs were, but I still never forced her to not go. I would simply just express myself. She seemed understanding. But whenever we argued, then she would go without telling me and that started to kill my trust and it confused me. There was never anything with a guy, but still it was betrayal in my eyes. Is this justified?

Holy, hells bells, emo.

Im coming in later, but did you really read what rockie first wrote.

You're not emo or punk if you keep this up.

No offense, Just a slap.

All I hear is her, tell me some other stories.

It takes time, man. Relax.

Emo, your trust issue isn't with her. It is with yourself. You didn't trust your own instincts to get out of the relationship when the problems started adding up. All of your stories come back to you not trusting your judgment.

Learn to trust yourself. Learn to trust your own instincts and judgment.

You just can't accept the fact! Or maybe you're jealous that a broke up is what you've got for trusting her that good. That would be one of the reason you 2 broke up, its imbalance on both sides.

She don't love you as much as you love her, there goes the difference in behaviour and attitude

IMO, She took a blinded good guy for granted. There's tons of people beyond your expectation ( attitude, behaviour, thoughts, actions). The answer lies in god.

I only had a problem with my ex because she would go where her exs were, but I still never forced her to not go. I would simply just express myself. She seemed understanding. But whenever we argued, then she would go without telling me and that started to kill my trust and it confused me. There was never anything with a guy, but still it was betrayal in my eyes. Is this justified?

By "simply expressing yourself" you told her you don't trust her even if you were nice about it, which is why everyone is saying that you have trust issues. What you should've done, is not said anything. If I were her, I'd get frustrated, too, especially if it was a party I really wanted to go to.

Exes are exes for a reason, you have to put a little faith in the person your dating, and you didn't, so she had to resort to lying so she could keep her social life and her boyfriend. I don't agree with her, she should've just broken up with you at that point, but we're not perfect and I can't say that I wouldn't do the same.

Yes I know exes are exes for a reason but if I didn't really like it I had to communicate that... but I think I see what you are saying... better to hide it. I know you guys are trying to make me do things better. Thanks. So, I'm never suppose to be jealous and always trust 100%? I thought it was good to be a bit jealous as it shows caring.

You're making it sound like your ex represents the entire women population.

She's only one person. You broke up. You lost her trust. End of story.

Time to start a new story. If you never let go of the past, you will never be able to start a new relationship on a clean slate. That's unfair to you and to the new person.

There you go again, not seeing what was said, and only taking things one way again... your way.


I thought it was good to be a bit jealous as it shows caring.

Don't agree at all, and neither did she.

What do you mean TMan... She didn't agree with what? All she did was be jealous and that is what confuses me. I could never so much as look at a girl even in a magazine... I would try and get her used to it and rarely she kind of relaxed but still always the same. I would even tell her, cmon I know you love bruce willis and she says not anymore... it seemed manipulative as she wanted to change that she doesn't like anyone just so that she can hold it against me that I liked someone on TV. Either way, she always wanted to see who text me and who called and all that. So TMan... jealousy is never good at all no matter what?

it seemed manipulative as she wanted to change that she doesn't like anyone just so that she can hold it against me that I liked someone on TV.
It was manipulative!

Its so unfair to be jealous, and not bide by the same rules she imposed on you. That's not caring, that's control, and manipulation, and should have been a big red flag.

You let things like this slide without mutual resolution, and it came back to bite you.

I have an advantage EMO, not just with experience, but knowing what you have posted in the past, in your deleted post. Just wanted to explain my position, and not just have you think I am against you. That's not the case, but you're a difficult student, who I hope appreciates my straight forward honesty.

You don't have to see what I see, but I just want you to think in a broader sense, and not just from an emotional one.

Thank you TMan! Well I started this long thread... It had a beginning and you all added the body and now I would like this to come to a conclusion.
So to wrap it up, let me know if this is correct.
My ex was manipulative and very jealous and never trusted me. I have to learn that exes are exes and that they can have close guy friends and not be bothered because I have to be more confident. If she is going to cheat, she will find a way anyway, eventually. Better to trust and if it happens, better sooner than later. That's better than forcing my way and after 5 years, have them cheat on me anyway. Correct so far?

I have made a lot of points of placing the blame. I know we had great times together and loved each other. What seemed an error is that I allowed her to always curse me out and yell at me in public and lie to me about where she is. She could have spoken with me calmly and maturely if she really had aproblem with how I was and I would've come to a compromise and fix it. Instead she lied again and even after realizing she betrayed our pact again and disregarded honesty, she curses me out and says she wants to be with friends as if I ever said she couldn't. I only said let me know, common sense. She didn't even try so I can't even really know how I'd respond. And she did ask to go to a club and hang out with friends in 3 occasions and I didn't mind. Mind you one day we were upset and she did a guys hair for him while we were upset. I found out 2 days later... I didn't make a big deal but just said to let me know next time. I hated that everything wrong was always when upset at me. I wouldn't have a girl come over and do her hair while my girl is home. I'd have her around. But that's how I am and I expect the same especially if we were upset you don't do that. Is expecting to be treated how I treat another count as jealousy or crossing the lines of respect? I tend to think my relationship problem does include trust issues but I think its mainly her disrespecting a lot. Any responses?

Hey slapshot and friend4U, so do you think its okay that I used to call my exes for relationship advice? After all, you do say exes are exes for a reason. What do you say?

I tend to think my relationship problem does include trust issues but I think its mainly her disrespecting a lot. Any responses?
Your right, but (Hehehehe!) you allowed the disrespect, therefore bringing more disrespect. Ignoring bad behavior brings more of the same. That's the reality you didn't deal with so who is at fault? The nice guy who allows himself to be slapped? Or the nice guys partner who disrespect him, by slapping him?

Answer-Its the nice guys fault for letting himself be slapped, and disrespected.

Now you can blame the partner for doing it, but that would be wrong, just because the partner can only do to you what you let them do.

I like the way you see things TMAN... Very smart!

I learned the hard way, but it only took once. I acknowledge mistakes, but make a point to not repeat them. But I move beyond them.

Its called learning, and giving yourself a chance to grow.

Hey slapshot and friend4U, so do you think its okay that I used to call my exes for relationship advice? After all, you do say exes are exes for a reason. What do you say?
Never done that, never will. Just me though. ( I do ask my wife about it, she gives pretty good advice)

I quit... im so tired of writing the same nonsense. Bottom line, it didn't work. We tried but to no avail. Same problems all over again. I work on trusting and finding someone who treats me good and be happy with that. Simple!
But surely we will get upset at times, and she will do something to upset me but its all in how I deal with things, correct? I want to be the best person I can be. Sure I am 24 but its never to late to be the person you want to be.
1. I will never hit my girl...
2. I have cursed my girl but only because she would first. Which brings this.
3. Never do paybacks anymore. It never does any good.
4. Think or come to AMHD before doing anything (you all have the greatest advice! I'm so glad I stood NC!)
5. Trust 100%... innocent until proven guilty I guess.
6. Ignore exes and be the cool suave guy even if they talk from time to time. (really have to work on this as it hurt to even write it!)
7. Give space when they want to hang out with friends and encourage it.

Wow! I just realized that I woke up with absolutely no thought or pain of my ex. It seems I'm mostly scared of making the same mistakes again for self improvement! Thank you everyone!

Hey slapshot and friend4U, so do you think its okay that I used to call my exes for relationship advice? Afterall, you do say exes are exes for a reason. What do you say?

I'm with Tal , sharing personal details with an Ex is not for me , I have friends who have stuck by me for that.

So then you are both saying you can understand someone being jealous if it did happen to them? So is jealousy okay or not... confused now.

Anything that crosses the line of good behavior is not okay in my book. I can honestly say I tend to keep a safe distance from jealous people, and have no reason to be jealous myself. But that's just me.


So is jealousy okay or not... confused now.

Not for me!

Ok well the big question. How do I learn to just trust and not be jealous for my next relationship?

Your right, but (Hehehehe!) you allowed the disrespect, therefore bringing more disrespect. Ignoring bad behavior brings more of the same. Thats the reality you didn't deal with so who is at fault? The nice guy who allows himself to be slapped? Or the nice guys partner who disrespect him, by slapping him??

Answer-Its the nice guys fault for letting himself be slapped, and disrespected.

Now you can blame the partner for doing it, but that would be wrong, just because the partner can only do to you what you let them do.

Hey Tal/Emo- I've been reading through this thread because Emo's ex sounds a lot like my ex- they probably would be good friends lol. My question is Tal- what's a guy like Emo or me supposed to do when you're in a relationship and the girl is acting like this.

Like Emo I stood up for myself but she would continue to do/say disrespectful things. I don't know how guys like me or Emo can handle girls like this- its not like were pushovers and letting ourselves get walked on... thats how a lot of younger girls act.:confused:

My question is - whats a guy like Emo or me supposed to do when you're in a relationship and the girl is acting like this.

That's when you grow a pair and walk instead of sticking around thinking their going to change.


Like Emo I stood up for myself but she would continue to do/say disrespectful things.

You only get what you put up with. By staying around they know they can walk all over you and you won't do a thing about it until it's suits them , then they leave.

Friend4U... so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? Cmon... reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?

How do you become an expert on this site?

Of course not Emo , we're not talking about a girl just doing something wrong , we're talking about a girl who continually abuses you emotionally.

Sure let her know it's hurting the relationship first and see if she's willing to do something about it , yours wasn't and you stuck around until SHE finally dumped you.

Get where I'm coming from?

----------------------------------------------------







How do you become an expert on this site?

Here you go...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php?faq=vb_board_usage#faq_expert

Ok well the big question. How do I learn to just trust and not be jealous for my next relationship?
Trust is earned, not given, you pay attention, and don't deal with those you can't trust. That means you have to know yourself well, so you know what you will tolerate, and what you want, and know them well enough to know if they can be trusted. That may take time, no matter how cute, or the intense feelings you have. That's why you don't get so carried away by your own feelings, or be blinded by your lust.

As far as jealousy goes, which is another form of FEAR, that's something that must be overcome by courage, again, it requires a knowledge of self, and an awareness of what your afraid of, and how you cope with it. I cope with my fears by having facts, so again paying attention, and knowing what exactly I'm dealing with, so I don't act just out of fear (feelings), or speak just because of what I feel (fear).

To simplify, thoughts, actions, and words, have to be considered based on facts, and not impulse based on fear (feelings). Sound familiar? It should because I do say it a lot when explaining No Contact. Allowing yourself to make better decisions based on facts, and not just feelings. Its all related to YOU, and how well you know yourself, and what your afraid of. (losing the girl, being alone, rejection etc.)

Conclusion, Know them well enough to see if they are worthy of your trust by paying attention, and let them earn trust, and don't be afraid to walk away when you have the facts to not trust them, and don't act, or speak before you think.

This allows you to always keep your head, and make decisions, and act, based on facts, and not just feelings, and that help communications also, just because your paying attention (listening). One thing you can't do without, honesty with self, that allows you to be honest with others.

When you know yourself well, and trust yourself, then you can take your time and learn others, and trust them. And when you know what your afraid of you can have a plan to deal with that fear, be it jealousy, envy, anger, or lust.

Questions??

Bjohnrupp
Hey Tal/Emo- I've been reading through this thread because Emo's ex sounds a lot like my ex- they probably would be good friends lol. My question is Tal- what's a guy like Emo or me supposed to do when you're in a relationship and the girl is acting like this.

Honestly express how you feel, and pay attention what she does about it. If she crosses the line of what you consider good behavior, see you, hate to be you!!


Like Emo I stood up for myself but she would continue to do/say disrespectful things. I don't know how guys like me or Emo can handle girls like this- its not like were pushovers and letting ourselves get walked on... thats how a lot of younger girls act.:confused:

Age doesn't matter, kick 'em to the curb, and disappear from their lives.

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?
Depends on what they do wrong, but getting cussed out in public, is a disappear from her life situation.

I love you TMAN! Sorry, just had to say it!

I hope lots of people come through this thread. I will not ask for it to be deleted. There is a lot to learn from my situation.

Let me see if I can rephrase what you said TMAN...
I have to continue getting to know myself. I've learned that I am great in many aspect but I need to work on Jealousy and Trusting. I'm glad I can at least accept that. Now I learned from you that not everyone can be trusted and I can't expect to just trust anyone. Trust has to be earned and I need to observe the girl I am seeing. That's what dating is about and having fun. I know I'm not a big fan of clubs and bars unless my partner is with me. So I am forced to make a decision. Will I learn to trust and just let them go alone with whomever? Do I find a girl who feels the same way as myself? Or do I do what I recently did and let it slide when I feel comfortable but for the most part only with me around? This is my toughest question in years and I'd do anything to just let them go alone and trust. That should be the correct answer right? I think so because if I find a girl who thinks like me that would be great but deep down the trust issue is hidden and it will surface in another area in the relationship, right?
Please, let me know if this is correct and what isn't. I really want to be the best I can. I'm determined!

I'm late to this thread and I have to admit that I didn't read all 61 pages, it's midnight, I'm tired. So, if I say something that's already been said, please forgive me.

Emo, mistrust and jealousy are not admirable traits. If you can't get over this then you'll never be happy.

Also, honesty in a relationship is key. Now, if I had a controlling guy that wouldn't let me step foot out of the house with someone other then him I wouldn't lie, because I'd never put up with it to begin with. He'd be kicked to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

If he can't trust me to go out with my friends, even without him, then he's not the guy for me. I deserve trust, because I've earned it.

A jealous guy is also quickly forgotten. Jealousy only shows one thing and that's insecurity. It's not an endearing trait.

I am friends with a lot of my exes. It doesn't work for everyone, but a lot of the guys I used to date were better friends then anything else. Because of that, we're still friends.

In fact, one my exes is in town right now. I'm in Canada, he's in LA, so when he comes to visit we get together. Hubby stays home with the kids and I go out with my ex.

Yes, we had a physical relationship, but guess what, it's in the past. My husband is my present, my future, and he knows it. Hubby isn't jealous because there's no reason to be. He knows me, he trusts me, he loves me. If he didn't then I couldn't be with him. Like I said, I deserve trust.

Your best bet is to find a girl that hates going to clubs, hates going to see her exes, doesn't have any male friends, dotes on you and only you, asks permission for everything she does... I'm cringing as I write this. You do realize that this isn't the answer, right?

It's not the potential girl that's the problem. It's you. You have to change, not find someone that fits into the very narrow little view you have of the perfect mate.

You need to find out why you can't trust, why you're jealous and you have to deal with it before you can be in a relationship with anyone.

Good luck.

Its great answers from the people around here. Your answer is getting clearer now emo, Its time to get it 100% clear and start to work on it. I'm just so excited to see one improving and growing on positive aspects! I support you!

Yes, start getting to know who you are, first.

There are some hidden secrets there, if you want to dig, or have the will to. You may be surprised and start to awaken.

Then... well. Oysters, (if you like oysters.)

Thank you BSWC for your constant support! How are you doing?

Thank you so much Alty! That post was brilliant and I'm surprised you haven't seen this thread nor read it. I like the part about my best bet is to find a girl who doesn't do this nor that... and you are right - My view is pretty narrow. I blame it on my religion. We grew up thinking everything is bad and frowned upon... Smoking, sex, drinking, clubbing. I've actually stepped out of that shell a lot. Sometimes it makes me feel bad because I love God. But if I stood in those ways then my view of a girl will stay narrow and I will have the same problems again. I celebrated halloween even against my religion just for my ex. I had sex with her and gave her that part of me. I would drink when out with her to be with her and show her I'm cool... lol Now its become who I am and now my range of women has expanded. I even prayed mostly at her church (she is catholic and I am christian) just to show her I'm am committed to her and as long as I am praying to God, I don't mind being in her religion. I really showed I cared in so many ways. She would get text messages and I'd leave it. I never checked her phone even once and never called a girl!! All the mistakes I did the first time, I didn't do the second time. I actually changed while she still did her things behind my back. We weren't even upset and yet she says she is going to sleep and instead goes out. That's not a way to build trust!! Lies!! I hate it!! How was I suppose to trust her after that? I'd always wonder if she is really sleeping or not. And that was the fourth time!! No way!
I improved a lot compared to my first time. I didn't call any girls, I didn't yell, I didn't treat her bad, I always gave her sex and didn't put religion in the way, I celebrated halloween with her, I always picked her up at work, and never gave her a reason to not trust me. Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!

And now after learning and improving all that, I now have to build more trust and not be jealous.
So throughout the last 4 years I've gained experience and I practiced not making the same mistakes and improved. To add to my experience, I now have to do better at trust and not be jealous towards guys and no more paybacks. I can't wait to be great! I feel bad my ex didn't get this part of me. That makes me sad. Every girl deserves the best. I feel bad she didn't get the best me.

Don't worry about all of those sacrifices.

So, get to the best you. Our beliefs start with what is inside us. Then we act.

Not what we profess.

Jealousy is, for me one of the ugliest emotions. Not good for anyone.

Remove that, then you can trust. But first, trust yourself. Do, don't just talk.

Just look forward to being the very best you can be in your next relationship! And Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010 to you Emo!

Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!
Because her love wasn't the same love as yours. That's why it went no where. That's why you didn't grow. You weren't paying attention, you were in love. She was not. She may have said it but, failed to do it.

Her words and actions didn't match, yet you gave her your heart anyway. Now you will carry those scars she left on you to the next relationship, and have trust issues.

That's what healing is about, to let the scars heal, and NOT let them stop you from being who you, are, and living life fully. You will be more cautious in the future, but not so tainted by the past. It's a process you can't rush, or or talk yourself through, so get some patience and get busy.

You will know when your healed, because you will be ready to take a risk again. I mean really ready.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18 -80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

It takes time to heal, and you may as well enjoy it. Besides time flies when your having fun.

Hey slapshot and friend4U, so do you think its okay that I used to call my exes for relationship advice? Afterall, you do say exes are exes for a reason. What do you say?
Call whoever you want for advice, but in the end what they say doesn't even matter, you see the world through your eyes only and you will react to what you see. And really, even since I joined this thread yesterday, you've been talking in circles and confusing yourself, you've taken our advice absolutely nowhere.

You're not moving on from your ex because you don't want to, it's that simple.

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?

Great question Emo- that's what I was thinking also- you see.. what if girls (like Emo's ex & my ex) do little things that are very minor but none the less disrespectful? For example- Emo's ex told him she was going to sleep when she really went out to a club (mine did the same thing). Or at a club when I walked away for a minute guys were hitting on my ex and she was talking to them instead of getting rid of them right away.

I or Emo aren't going to dump them for something minor like letting a guy talk to them at a club and we would stick up for ourselves and say we don't appreciate that but another month or so down the road they'll do another thing disrespectful but way too minor to dump them over. I found lots of texts from another guy on my ex'es phone- you can yell at them all you want but there still going to do stuff like that behind your back. I don't know about you Emo but I ALWAYS stood up for myself.

I guess what the experts like Tal and others are saying is you should only put up with as much as you will take and then dump them when enough is enough? I don't think dumping someone you love is an option if they only do minor disrespectful things.

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?
What I don't understand is why you need every detail explained to you, you're taking our advice so literally you miss the point every single time, and then the thread expands into 30+ pages.

Everything in life has a context; apply rules when necessary, and bend them when you see fit depending on the context. You live and you learn, advice is only going to get you so far, and for most people it doesn't get them anywhere, humans learn by experience. So, you really need to put this one to bed so you can finally move on, you've been harping on this for three months.

Hey Emo, I can relate to you, because 2 years ago, I was you. I was a jealous p*ick, didn't think about my actions or how the affect my girlfriend at the time. The fact is, if they want to cheat, they're going to. Whether we keep them locked away at night, trust me, with my ex I was always keeping tabs on her and thought nothing everything of nothing. I thought I had a great grasp on what was going on in her life, come to find out she fell for someone else and I had no idea. After that relationship ended, I decided I needed to fix me, in order to have a healthy relationship for myself. I went to therapy, took courses, read every piece of information available on the green monster. I am still battling it, it's not a battle you win over night. It takes months, years and you still battle it long after that. Do I have relapses, sure, but I have a loving fiancé who understands that I have changed a lot, have come a long way and has no problem slapping me back on the path again.

As an update, my fiancé has two kids, by another guy. I will be around this guy for the rest of their lives, it's something I struggle with but I have trust in my fiancé that she loves me, wants to be with me and is happy. You can't go around beating every guy up, or worrying about every guy making a move on your girl. It's not worth it. Start a new chapter, today. Don't get into a relationship right away.

Make a list of things you want to work on, and don't hold back. If you need a hand, I am always available and I've been in your shoes. I'm not perfect, like I said I still have relapses, but I can tell you this, I'm a heck of a lot better than I was.

I celebrated halloween even against my religion just for my ex. I had sex with her and gave her that part of me. I would drink when out with her to be with her and show her I'm cool...lol Now its become who I am and now my range of women has expanded. I even prayed mostly at her church (she is catholic and I am christian) just to show her I'm am committed to her and as long as I am praying to God, I don't mind being in her religion. I really showed I cared in so many ways. She would get text messages and I'd leave it. I never checked her phone even once and never called a girl!!! All the mistakes I did the first time, I didn't do the second time. I actually changed while she still did her things behind my back. We weren't even upset and yet she says she is going to sleep and instead goes out. That's not a way to build trust!!!!!! Lies!!! I hate it!!! How was I suppose to trust her after that? I'd always wonder if she is really sleeping or not. And that was the fourth time!!! No way!
I improved a lot compared to my first time. I didn't call any girls, I didn't yell, I didn't treat her bad, I always gave her sex and didn't put religion in the way, I celebrated halloween with her, I always picked her up at work, and never gave her a reason to not trust me. Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!!?

When I read this, this is what I hear.

"I made so many sacrifices. I did so much for her. I changed my life for her. I was so good to her. I did all of this for her!"

You seem to think that you're a victim here, that you made all these changes unwillingly and she still left. That's not the case.

You aren't nearly as self sacrificing as you seem to think you are. No one put a gun to you head and forced you to change your beliefs or who you are. That was your choice, now you want to blame her.

The bottom line, you think things to death. You can't get over the past, the fact that relationships aren't perfect and analyzing everything you did won't help you move forward. You're stuck in the past.

We can give you advice until we're blue in the face, in fact, I think we already have. Until you're willing to let go of your ex you won't be ready to listen to what we have to say.

Also, we can't hold you hand every step of the way. We can't tell you what to do every minute of every day and that's what you seem to want. Some things, at 24 years old, you have to figure out for yourself.

Honesty time. You're very needy. Were you this needy in your relationship? It gets old fast. Sixty plus pages in, I've only posted twice and I'm already sick of it.

You're not listening to what we're telling you. You just want to vent about her. Let us know when you're actually ready to move on.

Hey Emo, I can relate to you, because 2 years ago, I was you. I was a jealous p*ick, didn't think about my actions or how the affect my girlfriend at the time. The fact is, if they want to cheat, they're going to. Whether we keep them locked away at night, trust me, with my ex I was always keeping tabs on her and thought nothing everything of nothing. I thought I had a great grasp on what was going on in her life, come to find out she fell for someone else and I had no idea. After that relationship ended, I decided I needed to fix me, in order to have a healthy relationship for myself. I went to therapy, took courses, read every piece of information available on the green monster. I am still battling it, it's not a battle you win over night. It takes months, years and you still battle it long after that. Do I have relapses, sure, but I have a loving fiance who understands that I have changed a lot, have come a long way and has no problem slapping me back on the path again.

As an update, my fiance has two kids, by another guy. I will be around this guy for the rest of their lives, it's something I struggle with but I have trust in my fiance that she loves me, wants to be with me and is happy. You can't go around beating every guy up, or worrying about every guy making a move on your girl. It's not worth it. Start a new chapter, today. Don't get into a relationship right away.

Make a list of things you want to work on, and don't hold back. if you need a hand, I am always available and I've been in your shoes. I'm not perfect, like I said I still have relapses, but I can tell you this, I'm a heck of a lot better than I was.

That really is so true "the fact is if they want to cheat their going to"... no matter how much you keep tabs on them they'll still find a way. So the best thing to do is let them do whatever they want to do and trust them enough to not be cheating on you. If you can't trust them or your instincts tell you that they are cheating then dump them.

Great question Emo- thats what I was thinking also- you see..what if girls (like Emo's ex & my ex) do little things that are very minor but none the less disrespectful? For example- Emo's ex told him she was going to sleep when she really went out to a club (mine did the same thing). Or at a club when I walked away for a minute guys were hitting on my ex and she was talking to them instead of getting rid of them right away.


Whoa--are you kidding me?

She was supposed to get rid of them right away---why, again? Because YOU are jealous?

That is, quite frankly, idiotic. I've been with my husband for 13 years, and the SECOND he told me I had to stop flirting, couldn't have guy friends, and had to only hang out with him in clubs, that would be IT. Kaput.

NO ONE controls me like that. I choose my OWN friends. I choose who I talk to, even if it IS guys that want to get into my pants. I can handle them WITHOUT getting rid of them, believe it or not--and yes, it still does happen occasionally.

The problem isn't that you guys need to figure out whether it's some "little thing" or a "big thing" or whatever--you guys need to figure out why you can't trust your girl to stick by you EVEN WHEN other guys are flirting with her.

If you can't be proud of the fact that your girlfriend is sexy enough to attract other men instead of angry/jealous/afraid when it happens, then you don't deserve her anyway, because the problem is YOU.

Yes, needy & untrusting.

Get rid of those qualities. Change for the better. Be confident & stoked.

Learn from this.

You seem to be paralyzed by fear.Afraid to make a move.
Any move on the off chance that it will be the wrong one.
That is no way to live.
Take life by the horns ,know that you are going to make mistakes,we all do! The worst mistake you can make is not living because you are in the grips of this fear of never wanting to appear wrong.
Find out where that fear is coming from,address it and be done with it!
Take control of your life and then you will have one!

Emo,

You have 2 choices.

To wallow, wonder & not listen. Letting everyone else make your decisions for you, then boo hoo.

Or, Get up. Dust yourself off. And man up. Take a look.

All of those trust, jealousy and insecurity issues are all inside of you.

Tap into that sh**t. You may be surprised that it will not only help you get over this one, but put you on a better path in your relationships.

Not just romantic ones, but everyone who choose to have.

I know you want some kind of quick fix, but... hello.

I'm doing fine emo, just got back to my hometown for holidays. Might meet up my ex since I will have my "beach fire'' going on. Emo, are u doing fine, seriously?

Whoa--are you kidding me?

She was supposed to get rid of them right away---why, again? Because YOU are jealous?

That is, quite frankly, idiotic. I've been with my husband for 13 years, and the SECOND he told me I had to stop flirting, couldn't have guy friends, and had to only hang out with him in clubs, that would be IT. Kaput.

NO ONE controls me like that. I choose my OWN friends. I choose who I talk to, even if it IS guys that want to get into my pants. I can handle them WITHOUT getting rid of them, believe it or not--and yes, it still does happen occasionally.

The problem isn't that you guys need to figure out whether it's some "little thing" or a "big thing" or whatever--you guys need to figure out why you can't trust your girl to stick by you EVEN WHEN other guys are flirting with her.

If you can't be proud of the fact that your girlfriend is sexy enough to attract other men instead of angry/jealous/afraid when it happens, then you don't deserve her anyway, because the problem is YOU.

Ok I see your point and you do make some valid points. However there is a thing called respect and when a girl is purposely DISRESPECTING her man and trying to push his buttons on purpose that's crossing the line.

You and your husband or OK with certain flirting/talking to others. I was also OK with a lot of stuff that was going on. But NOBODY wants to be played OR lied to. :rolleyes:

I'm lost as to the whole respect issue? So if a guy says "hi" to a girl at a bar, the girl should immediately say "I have a boyfriend/husband and I'm not interested" That's ridiculous, I have conversations with women at the bar, if I feel they are getting into me, I will tell them I'm not interested but a good conversation is allowed. Never will I, or should I have to walk around telling every member of the opposite sex that I am taken. People need to get their heads out of their arses if they think they can control or should have control of who someone talks to.

I'm with you Rome, never have I understood the logic of getting so carried away I had to tell my partner how to act, or whom to talk to. That's just crazy. Yet another example of people who can't control themselves and their jealousy and insecurities.

So... you don't trust her... big freaking deal. Leave her and stop whining about it. All this time and no trust? Get counseling for yourself. You need it if you like being miserable, and stay with someone you claim is so awful for so long.

You aren't entitled to sexy pictures even if she said she would give you some. Its HER body and HER right to take them or not. Count your blessings IF you get any and stop whining if you don't.

True.

But you say something after the first lie. You then state the consequences of the NEXT lie. You then follow through with the THIRD lie.

If you stay and stay and stay and put up with it AFTER you've said you won't, well--that's on YOU, not on HER. You CHOOSE to stay when you know you can't trust her at that point.

How is talking to someone else disrespecting your man?

The thing is this: each couple defines their own boundaries. If you can't agree on where the boundaries are, then you're NEVER going to be happy together. Realize that the first time (or maybe the second time) that something happens, and clarify the boundaries you are comfortable with, then end the relationship when boundaries are crossed again.

No, it's not that simple. But the problem is that you're not THINKING about it--you're FEELING about it. So you care for the girl and she cares for you--DUH! You wouldn't be in a relationship with someone you didn't care about.

But when you TRULY love someone, you love them as they ARE, not the way you wish they'd be. If you're unhappy with someone more often than you're happy with them, it's not the right relationship for either of you.

And if your personalities don't match (she likes to flirt, you can't stand it, for example), then FIND SOMEONE ELSE whose personality and values are closer to your own.

THIS is the problem with dating exclusively after only a month (or a day! ). You don't know the person well enough to KNOW that you should be exclusiev with that person. This is ALSO the problem with having sex too early in a relationship--again, it clouds things, and makes it so that you've now invested 10 MONTHS on a person instead of 10 WEEKS before you realize that you're not really that compatible.

So... don't date women you can't trust--and you can't trust someone who lies to you, so don't date them. Tell them good-bye.

But if you can't trust that your woman is just talking/flirting harmlessly with other men, then why are you in that deep with her? Why are you in an exclusive relationship with someone who you don't trust?

That sounds like a personal issue, there. I trust people until they prove to me that I can't trust them. I met my husband at a party, and spent the next several months running into him at clubs and group outings. We had our first date SIX MONTHS after I met him. It wasn't until we got to know each other OUTSIDE of the clubs, but still doing things OUTSIDE of the bedroom, that we realized we had a lot in common--especially our goals and values.

You want to know how to trust your girl, and make sure you're not being played? Two ways!

1. Stay out of her pants until you KNOW you can trust her. If you have any doubt, then having sex is just going to make things worse.

2. Don't date exclusively until you know her well enough that you know her values and yours match, and that you have the same ideas on relationship boundaries.

The other thing I should mention here is that if you want a GOOD girl to date, and not a wicked sexy one--then go to church and meet her there. Any girl you meet in a bar or club is GOING to be a bit naughty--and if you don't like that fact, then go meet your girls somewhere else.

I really loved everybody's advice. Unfortunately, I was sad to read Alty's post as it was a bit harsh without reading my entire progress. I do listen and in fact it is all I do. I don't want to be harsh back as that is something I am also working on. You should know though that I have kept no contact for 3 months just after 4 days of the break up and am still going. I think that should be praised and not frowned upon. Enough with that. I don't want to be too sensitive about that. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.
Anyway, for those saying negative things, how about looking at my positive and mentioning them as well and give me some encouragement. Its what I'm here for anyway. Not for harsh replies that aren't even necessary at this point. I'm moving on fairly well but of course I may still have a down moment. Its been 3 months and I've been sooo happy this week as I was on vacation! Will give details later. I am up to the point where I searched myself and admitted that I have done so well in my relationship but that I can work on my jealousy and trust. And for your information Alty, I was not needy. In fact she wanted me all the time and I sometimes didn't want to. Like sometimes I needed to spend time with my bro or cousins. Sometimes I just wanted to relax. Sure sometimes I really missed her but I doubt that is needy. We should be careful how we judge things especially without questioning first. I am now working on specific areas of my life just after 3 months. Yes I will have questions and everyone does a great job responding and after many many posts by many here, they still stay and support me with no complaints and I appreciate it and doing my very best to show I am listening. Yet after 2 responses you nearly give up? From what I am learning, someone like you, is one I'd consider a red flag. Lol Just based on what I am learning. Maybe read it all but I don't expect that. I just want you to know where I am coming from and I still think you are very cool Alty. I am glad everyone has helped and is helping

Wow she is kind of a person to not trust b ut if she is a person to trust what was her reasoning behind having to sneak do you not let her hang with her friends? Or do you get mad when you party or do you not like to go out to party ?and I know it hurts to be lied to but if this is the first offense for her leave it alone maybe she was stressed

Its good you're working on yourself Emo and you have my support. I hope you had a nice Christmas Day!

emopunk7 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/emopunk7.html) agrees: I doubt I need to see a therapist or a psych. I simply have loved and lost and am working on myself. Its just not easy. How about some support. Its all I need. I'm strong enough.


Well, its rarely easy to make the decision to walk away from a relationship. And its harder to do the longer you are in it.

Not sure what you mean by "support", but what you certainly don't need is anyone reinforcing your desire to stay with her in the misguided hope that "she will see the light" and change overnight. It never happens without them going through a major life trauma. Our time on this earth is short and its stupid to waste it on someone that's NOT what you are looking for or REALLY want such as this case. 24 years may seem like forever to you and the rest of your life may seem like an unimaginable period... but trust me its not. I can remember 25 years ago like it was yesterday... seriously, I'm not exaggerating. The older you get the faster it seems to go by too.

Some decisions are never easy to make... but you do have to make them and the sooner you get them behind you the sooner you can move on with life. Our time on this earth never gets longer... its always getting shorter, and why waste precious time on a loser when you can spend it with a winner.

Well on Tuesday I left to the P.A. (The Poconos) until Sunday! It was such a great time. It was cold and there was snow everywhere. I went into the hot tub that was located outside the house we rented. I spent time with family. We made a bon fire and hung out and ate fire marshmellows! I went snowboarding for the first time and fell over a hundred times. I played tackle football with my brother and cousins and sprained my ankle when my brother tackled me. I'm recovering pretty fast though. I also went to a gun range and shot a Desert Eagle and a Sniper Rifle! Powerful guns! I'm a doorman and during christmas you get tipped. So far I've made $2,700! Today I should have more waiting for me. There are about 140 tenants in the building I work in. I've only received about 55 cards... so I should have a lot more coming! I will now buy my glass door and lights and curtains! I'm feeling so good! Happy Holidays!

I was sad to read Alty's post as it was a bit harsh without reading my entire progress. I do listen and in fact it is all I do. I don't want to be harsh back as that is something I am also working on. You should know though that I have kept no contact for 3 months just after 4 days of the break up and am still going. I think that should be praised and not frowned upon. Enough with that. I don't want to be too sensitive about that. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.

Emo, I'm only harsh when I have to be. It's not meant to make you feel bad, just to make you open your eyes. It's like slapping a hysterical person in the face, not nice, but it works.

I have only your best interest in mind. Everyone else has been very nice, understanding, caring, and here we are on the 64th page and you still have the same issues you had on page 1. Obviously the progress you claim to have made isn't drastic, otherwise you wouldn't need this thread anymore.

You keep going around in circles. Trust me, I read enough of the thread to know that.

You keep trying to blame her. What you don't understand is that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and two to make it fail. Until you stop pointing fingers, you won't stop going around in circles.

So, I decided to try the slap in the face. I'm hoping it worked. Only time will tell.

Yipee! Can I borrow a twenty?
Only joking-enjoy your windfall.
Good to know you're happy.

Hey Alty. Thanks for the smack. I am past the blaming. In fact I'm up to the part of reflecting where I should have noticed things and I'm working on myself and how to deal with things better.

The Red room is before... And the Gray is After... The other is just me trying to get the six pack for the last 2 months. Sorry I took so long to post pics and sorry if it offends anyone. Yours truly, Emopunk7!

Very nice picture Emo... ;)

Hey cool pics Emo :)

Definitely think the room looks better afterwards

LOL, didn't expect the body part coming out! Nice one emopunk! Do you really need the small teddy bear and tiger? ;P

So I'm over my ex. I have no pain anymore. I wake up fine! I still think about how its weird it all ended for the second time and both being her dumping me. Ahhh
But no more pain thanks to NC and everyone here. I just have to keep progress and hang in there. I still wonder if things were my fault or not.

Nice pics! And now you're over her-and that's the way it stays. A new year-a new chapter. Take care.

I only waited for you, but nothing was ever enough.
Well it's been too long and I can't have this rough.
When memories always stay, I start a fire in my head.
Only wishing you never showed up, only wishing you were dead.
My actions bring out the worst in you, but please keep it under control.
But you've been broken for way too long, and now we're at our low.
The maps are lost and any way seems right, except towards you.
Still you're a magnet, but I'm turning fast, yes it's true.
Cause pain missing a girl is better than pain fighting a girl you love.
Don't start a fight tonight so please drop your gloves.
Please realize I've moved on is what you said.
It makes a lie to everything you wrote, everything I've read.
So kiss your hands left to right and slap your hands.
Act like you know what your doing, but still it stands.
Now go and lie, you're interior will always remain.
Pictures and a show don't fool cause you're still so plain.
So I got me a car with great interior that reminds be there is better.
I've created a new life, and now I'm writing this letter.
If you had it bad, then I had it hell.
I have it heaven, and I'm glad we fell.
Quick as you left, quick as someone came.
I'm tired of your games, they're stupid and lame.
This one doesn't complain. She's completely sane.
No scenes in the streets, but we show up at the scene.
Yea we rock out, if you know what I mean.
She gives me space, she's not a feen.
Therefore I treat her like a queen.
She doesn't have much insecurities, she's pretty confident.
Makes her sexier, makes me happier, some can say heaven sent.

I think I need some support right now. I feel a bit down. I did go out with a friend last night and had a good time. Still I found myself missing my ex I think. Like just thinking of what we had and how strange it is that its been 3 months of NC. This never happened. It's a bit sad especially seeing my brother with my ex sister a lot. My ex and I were just as close if not closer. I'm pretty sad.

Its just one of those moments of regret with maybe some loneliness thrown in. You know by now that it'll pass.

Yeah but I don't feel like doing anything... I haven't gone to the gym in almost 3 days... whats happening? I need your help!

I feel the same Emo, post holiday blues I guess, just one of those low energy days after a great holiday. Believe I almost slept through the first game of a double header on Fox??

It happens. But I don't have an ex to dwell on, you shouldn't either for that matter. Its been how long??

Thanks TMan! I suppose it is the blues. I guess I had a lot to look forward to like Christmas and being with the family. Now its over but I had a blast. Now not much to look forward to. I did buy myself an IPOD Touch though and I will go to the gym tonight to feel that power I've been missing. I really appreciate you and Amicon for coming to my rescue. I don't know what it is. I would like to vent on my next post about signs I should have noticed in my last relationship and all the red flags.

Red Flags... She broke up with me the first time. I was at my families house and it bothered her. I called to let her know everything is okay and trying to be a good boyfriend but she was out with her phone off. Then hours later she answered and then she gave me attitude and said she can do what she wants and that its too bad so I said f u to her because she was talking down to me and we hung up. Then she called me at about 5am saying "baby we should talk and fix this" but that same night she went out again without letting me know and by the next day she wanted a break and a week later she broke up with me. Confused why still.
Fast forward 7 months and she is back in the scene. I never really did NC then. We spoke and she was having issues with her guy and so was I and we hung out one day without our SO knowing. After a month we really started hangin out and broke up with our SO. She said she still didn't want a relationship because she knows she wouldn't be able to control herself and she would flip out as usual. I said no and that we won't fight and well I convinced her. I CONVINCED HER!!
Then we started having problems although I was in cloud nine with her and probably always wouldve been. She threatened leaving me and would always say I'm going to end up single and alone. Which is true now. Makes me sad.
Red flags are that I had to convince her to be with me. She would curse me out again and act crazy during arguments. She would threaten to leave me a lot. She would constantly say she is done and gives up. She would throw me out of her house a lot.

During an argument I never cursed her out unless she did first which is still no excuse but never would start it.

I never threatened to leave.

I never threw her out of my house.

Maybe I was too in love to realize that she just didn't love me the same.

Any comments? I'm sooo tired... will try to hit the gym in a few. I'm so hungry!

I hope you wake up to a great morning-and make plans for new things to look forward to. Leave the past where it belongs-in the past.
Now off to the gym with you.

Its simple withdrawal. Everyone experiences this after any breakup in all but the most abusive ones and sometimes even then.

Just keep your eyes forward on the future and do NOT look back. Do NOT think about her, do not talk to her, text her, email her, call her or answer any calls from her. If you see her on the street cross the street to the opposite side. Avoid her in every way possible until you have truly moved on... it will make that period easier. In the meantime focus on what's really important... if that's school or work then focus on that.

If you don't completely trust your partner and they completely trust you then you don't have the sort of relationship you should have and its time to move on. Consider this an important lesson in life. Learn from it, don't repeat it or ignore it.

Is this line forever true?

I can't take my mind off you, till I find somebody new.

Is that forever true?

Nope not true, I still think about my ex from time to time. It's natural. I don't think about still being with her but now that everything has settled, I just wonder if it's everything she's ever wanted

Hell, I still think about boyfriends from 20 years ago. There's one I've been trying to FIND for 10 years, just to say hello to (Ryan, if you're listening... get on Facebook or something!).

Finding someone new isn't an antidote to thinking about your ex.

You SHOULD think about your ex from time to time.

But honestly--the BEST cure for getting stuck in an obsessive loop of thinking about her is to go out and volunteer to help people who are REALLY down on their luck. Join Habitat for Humanity or your local soup kitchen.

Is this line forever true?

I can't take my mind off of you, till I find somebody new.

Is that forever true?

Nope, I still think of the guy that I dated in High School every now and then.

I use the end of the old year as a time to look at old pictures. It's a time to reflect and be thankful for the good times while trying to forgive the bad ones. The new year is a time to put away the old pictures and pick up the camera. New pictures for new memories.

Happy New Year, emo. :)

Can you be an emotional abuser while at the same time be a good person overall in the outside world?

Amicon!! I went home last night and got ready for the gym but then I fell asleep. I looked at an alert on my phone at 415am and I woke up and went to the gym! It felt great to be back! I'm going back tonight when I get out of work!

Yea, look at someone like Chris Brown. He was perfect to the fans and outside world, in private, he was an abuser. First at emotional levels then to physical.

Just to clarify, when you guys think of the ex, it's just a happy memory right? It's not like it makes you sad or anything?

It's not always happy, no.

Sometimes I remember how badly my first boyfriend treated me when I see someone else in a similar situation, then realize how happy I am with my husband.

Sometimes it's just an event, a moment. Like sitting in the hot tub at a ski resort, or canoeing down a river, or seeing a specific band in concert together.

Sorry to hear that he treated you badly, but at least you're happier now then. I just don't want to end up lamenting the loss of my ex and wishing those days back, that's why I was asking.

Oh god, I don't wish those days back for anything.

Even with the boyfriends that WERE good to me, and a lot of fun.

You should GROW from the ashes of a relationship, make yourself better, brighter, happier with YOURSELF.

I lamented the loss of exes--at the time. A couple of those breakups were REALLY harsh (read that as: I ended up in the hospital psych ward for one of them). That doesn't mean I don't have both good and bad memories of those guys. That just means that I learned something about MYSELF from those guys, and grew wiser/happier with MYSELF because of it.

And since I'm pretty darned happy with who I am today, I'd have to say that I wouldn't even change most of it, even the heartache.

Well, I had to spread the rep, but damned fine answer Synnen. That was exactly what I was hoping you'd say. It's sad to be forced to close the book on the ex, but it's better than not doing it...

Sorry about spamming your thread emo :)

Is this line forever true?

I can't take my mind off of you, till I find somebody new.

Is that forever true?
Its only true for people that cling to the past... there are cases that being "Forever true" is really being "forever stupid". What that DOES describe is a rebound relationship... and those rarely work out.

Here's an update. I went to bed last night and I had a dream I was at a store flirting with pretty girls and having a good time. Then I was at a pool hall hanging out with friends... None included the ex. I woke up surprised and happy. Then I went back to bed and it happens. I see her and I say sorry for everything and then she says it too. We are about to have sex. Then just before that we get into argument and nothing happens. The next day she says sorry and I go to her job to say I'm sorry too but at the last minute I change my mind and I say no thanks, now I am done with this. What's going on with the dreams?

Maybe the dream about the ex is trying to tell you that you really know its over? I don't know,dreams are mostly just random images to me,but perhaps sometimes they send us some kind of message?

Dreams are just dreams... don't try to read anything into it. Just keep up the No Contact thing and one day soon you will wonder why you ever went out with her in the first place. Particularly after the first really nice girl you meet.

Nearly every one of us has dealt with this before... those of us smart enough to get out of a bad situation that is. IF it was meant to be then you would NOT have had to deal with all that drama she gave.

Dreams can't be controlled. So because it's out of your control, you don't need to analyze it too much.

Dreams trigger your emotions and feelings when you wake up, so you end up thinking about your situation in the conscious world.

It's similar to walking by your ex's favorite restaurant or even walking by her house. These are all triggers that you make you reflect in greater detail, so no need to beat yourself up over it.

I just thought I'd restate my actions. People said maybe she wasn't lying and maybe she just had a change of plans.
Here's the thing. This was the fourth time she did this. Next, when I asked her where was the music coming from she says she was probably walking by a bar?? The music was coming directly from where she was. I'm not dumb. Plus the fact that she says she was at 7-11 makes it worse because there is no walking pass by any bars. The parking lot is right there. Not to mention she agreed she didn't tell me that she was going out because I would be upset. So she planned on lying. Yes I was a bit angry on the phone but no insults on my part and being that she did this a few times I had a right to be upset. She said to relax and immediately I did. Then she started cursing me out a d hung up on me and didn't care how I felt and stood out all night. I would never do anything close like that to her. Then the next day she showed no sympathy besides a text I am sorry and I love you. No call and then she had lunch with a supervisor instead of putting me first after the drama. Then over the phone she didn't want totalk about it and when I said if I can pick her up at work she said "why so you can babysit me" That was an insult and I had enough and at that moment I gave up and said I am sorry for bothering her and got offthe phone. After all this then and only then did my revenge kick in. Comments? Did I still do the wrong thing?

You're still thinking about the past Emo? I thought we were done with that. You promised.

Stop obsessing about what happened and move forward. Until you do that, there's nothing else we can help you with.

Yup, its time to let go.

Aw emopunk, I think u're a hard thinker. I am one, and I learn things the hard way.

I just need you guys to tell me if she was treating me badly... I don't know... I wouldve never done that to her and she was very possessive and jealous. Why did that have to happen to me?

Also are you suppose to trust a girlfriend going to eat with a guy? Isn't that a date in its own ways? Trust is a strange thing. I think if it goes to that point of her doing that its over because why not eat with you?

Also in the notebook they fought a lot and it worked. How is that an example?

It's in the past,Emo.
Leave it there.

The notebook is hollywood... and also things were very much different in the '40's.

The more important question is this: Haven't you tortured yourself enough over this? Forget about it and do something. Plan a trip. Get involved. Live your own life in the present, and let go of the past. Everyone on here can see how unhealthy it is to hold on to the past like you have been doing with your ex girlfriend...

Movies have a tendency to give people unrealistic expectations about life. They are meant to be fantastic and extraordinary... that is part of the spectacle. People go to the movies to escape from their own lives for a certain amount of time, and to feel the emotions and drama that come with it. However, real life isn't like that. But in your case, you're making it like a movie. You're making your situation something that it isn't. You need to move on pal.

After 3 months of NC:

I have been doing a lot better. Christmas and New Years was great. I have done a lot of shopping for clothes and I have been working in my room which is still in progress. I have been working out a lot. I have registered for school and I am going full time in 2 weeks to become an Accountant. I have a 3.3 GPA and I am okay.

Still, I find myself at times still thinking about my ex and how sad it is that it is over. I sometimes still blame myself and not even just for the last thing I did which was payback. Its thoughts like that one day at her house I shouldn't have wanted to go home and play xbox. I shouldve stayed longer with her. And the times I wanted to go home and sleep in my bed while she would grab me to stay longer with her. And other times we would hang out and play. I don't really get it. I mean sure the last few weeks together I missed her a lot because I worked a lot and it was new, but why couldn't she understand that I missed her? She didn't have to sneak behind my back. Why sneak? I never did that to her. That's what bothers me. Am I doing okay for 3 months?

I just need you guys to tell me if she was treating me badly....i don't know...i wouldve never done that to her and she was very possessive and jealous.

Emo
Why are you asking us the same questions again?? We've gone over and over this so many times!! Who cares if she was treating you badly , doesn't matter and it's not going to change anything. Accept it and move on , otherwise we're still going to be here at 100 pages and still be talking about the same thing.


Why did that have to happen to me?


Oh please... lets stop with the "woe is me" attitude , have you read the threads on here , I know you have. This happens to thousands of people every day all over the world. Again "Get over it" get off the pity pot and lets move on.



Also are you suppose to trust a gf going to eat with a guy? Isn't that a date in its own ways? Trust is a strange thing. I think if it goes to that point of her doing that its over because why not eat with you?

Why not? If you trust someone it's not an issue in my opinion. BUT if you don't trust it is a major issue , question answered.


Lets move forward and not keep going back to all the old questions , every time I think your doing well you go backwards again because you start to try to anylise everything.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but sometimes we need a kick in the butt to see it ourselves!

After 3 months,I have been doing a lot better. Christmas and New Years was great. I have done a lot of shopping for clothes and I have been working in my room which is still in progress. I have been working out a lot. I have registered for school and I am going full time in 2 weeks to become an Accountant. I have a 3.3 GPA and I am okay.

Still, I find myself at times still thinking about my ex and how sad it is that it is over. I sometimes still blame myself and not even just for the last thing I did which was payback. Its thoughts like that one day at her house I shouldn't have wanted to go home and play xbox. I shouldve stayed longer with her. And the times I wanted to go home and sleep in my bed while she would grab me to stay longer with her. And other times we would hang out and play. I don't really get it. I mean sure the last few weeks together I missed her a lot because I worked a lot and it was new, but why couldn't she understand that I missed her? She didn't have to sneak behind my back. Am I okay for 3 months?

Still, I find myself at times still thinking about my ex and how sad it is that it is over. I sometimes still blame myself and not even just for the last thing I did which was payback. Its thoughts like that one day at her house I shouldn't have wanted to go home and play xbox. I shouldve stayed longer with her. And the times I wanted to go home and sleep in my bed while she would grab me to stay longer with her. And other times we would hang out and play. I don't really get it. I mean sure the last few weeks together I missed her a lot because I worked a lot and it was new, but why couldn't she understand that I missed her? She didn't have to sneak behind my back. Am I okay for 3 months?

Are you okay for three months? I don't know. I don't live in your brain. I know only what you post on here and every time I think you are moving forward, I read posts like this that truly make me wonder.

Emo, you have made so much progress in so many ways, but you keep holding on the memories keeping them fresh in your mind. I don't think you realize how much you are holding yourself back by going over every event in minute detail trying to put blame on someone for what happened. It is past time to stop blaming-her, yourself, both of you, events, the weather... It is time to accept that you can't change what happened. It is past and gone.

Tell me would you decorate two different rooms the exact same way? Would you take the basic lessons about painting, lighting, etc. from the first one to have a better idea of what would work in the second one?

Emo, I was like you before. My mind was flooded with 'What if', 'Should have' and the list goes on. The problem here is it is not completely your fault. It takes two for a relationship to work or fail. You can't turn back the clock and undo the pain. The only way to heal is to accept the truth that you guys were not meant for each other and move on from there. I think you're still stuck in the past, wishing you could have done this and that. So, in my opinion, I don't think you're okay yet. Sometimes, our mind likes to play tricks on us. We have to learn how to control it, when to think about it and when should not. The most important part is one should not stay in an abusive relationship because it will get out of hand one day. It's time for you to let go of this old baggage that you're carrying for months and start a new life without her in the picture. I'm sure you will get there...

It really is time to let go of all these thoughts Emo. Whatever happened is in your past now-concentrate on moving forward and enjoying all the good things in your life.

I should stop thinking about it. Sorry for bothering everyone. I thought it was normal to still miss an ex a little bit after 3 months. I know people even after a year that are still bad. I guess I'm not doing well. I don't know, I thought I was.

Emo
Your right , it is normal to still miss your Ex after only 3 months and we're not saying that's wrong.

What we're saying is you need to stop asking yourself why this and why that over and over because that'll delay the healing process.

If you really want to feel better quicker just follow what we say and let it go , if questions come up in your head dismiss them and start thinking about the future and the endless possibilities that will come your way once you stop dwelling on the past.

And your not bothering me , I choose to answer you and try to help , but you have to help us as well and show us your willing to put in too.

Thanks Friend4U for your answer. Yeah I am pretty much over her as in I don't feel any pain even when thinking about it and my heart doesn't beat fast in the mornings. I just missed a few things of the relationship today. Its just not the best day for me I guess but overall I feel happy that I have been doing good and moving on and trying to stay strong. I always look at how hard I've pushed as inspiration that it gets better. I think I'm just really bored right now at work. I appreciate it!

Things I am happy for. I am happy I don't get cursed at in public and embarrassed anymore. I am happy I can talk to friends and not have someone jealous that I spoke to someone else. I am glad that nobody puts their middle finger at me as well. I am glad I don't get thrown out of a house nearly everyday. I am glad I don't have to wonder if she is smoking even though she said she wouldn't she still did. I'm glad I don't have to worry if someone is sneaking behind my back. I'm glad I am going full time to college. I'm glad I am redesigning my room. I'm glad I have so many great people on this site! I'm glad I am healthy. I'm glad for my car and my family and for having God by my side. I'm glad for my new itouch and I am glad that I am doing better overall.

Emo, yes it is Taking Back Sunday, from their first CD, before they became sell outs

Emo, I'm a little over 5 months since my break up, well that being around time NC was implemented when she stopped being wishy/washy and didn't want me as anything anymore. I still think about my ex from time to time, mostly when I'm bored. The important part is to move past the what if's, etc... To be honest I really don't care what my ex is up to, or if she's even with another guy right now. It's funny because some girls at work will ask me every few weeks, are you and such and such back together yet? I'm like... umm I haven't talked to her in months. Just keep on keeping on, there are a lot of things to be thankful for in this world.

Look at it this way... anything she says at this point is just a shallow attempt to continue to dupe you and control you.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for her to make major changes without a near death experience in a short period. Major changes take people years or even decades... sometimes they never change at all. Pretending to change to get their way is a form of manipulation. But its always a lie and eventually they fall back into their old habits.

You are best served by no contact, no text, no PM, no phone calls, no letters, no passing messages via common friends... just pretend she never existed. She should be dead to you.

Count your blessings you aren't dealing with a manipulative b*tch every day, and focus on your studies. Find a new woman to date... and trust me they are not all manipulative. If they are drop them like a hot potato.

Life is what YOU make of it. Keep thinking about a loser instead of looking for a winner and you will never get ahead or be a real success.

The sky is the limit with a partner that shares the right positive attitude with you, but if either one or both of you have real negativity then neither of you will ever rise from the muddy ditch.

Whining about it or just thinking about it isn't going to change anything... this is one of those things that you HAVE to just do.

Wow I don't trust my g.f too...
She lied to me a lot until well... one day I saw her with her ex :)

I was heartbroken... I forgave her and she dumped me...

And now she wants me back and I don't...


Don't be stupid like the rest...

Talk to her or dump her... trust is very important in a relationship...

Never trust a girl who lies to you or starts making up stories or starts talking to you is nice \ sexy ways so you'll forgive her...
Love isn't a game you should know that...

Let her tell you everything she does... ask her friend where she goes if it makes you feel better... but she'll get mad because you don't trust her...

The choice is yours... talk to her about it or dump her

He hasn't spoken to her in months. Did you read the whole thread brokenhearts?

Unless I have missed something, she doesn't want emo back. He is in No Contact and it is just memories that keep playing up.

So much has happened since the beginning of this thread even with the treadmill moments.

emo, I am very glad that you have accomplished so much and I know that starting classes will be very good for you. It will be another place to make new friends and memories. It will also give you something else to occupy your mind.

I think boredom especially at work is a big part of the problem now. That boredom is allowing your mind way too much free rein. Can you think of any ways to keep it busy so it doesn't go wandering off on its own? Puzzles (crossword, seek-and-find, logic, sodoku, etc.), get a book of houseplans and think about how you would decorate them, sketching, anything that can be picked up and put down as you do your job.

Wao Cat, can you actually do that? Keep yourself busy all the time. I actually is on holidays and pretty much bored myself.

I'm a thinker, I spend most of the time thinking about how to be a better person after the breakup. Anyway emo keep it up! I broke NC and I look like a loser to my loser ex now, but that doesn't matter as you know. Its passed 8 months and I'm still on healing progress, don't lost your foot!

Not all the time, but most of the time. After my break up, I reconnected with friends, spent A LOT of time at the gym(I mean hours) went for jogs, worked on my truck, did work around the house. Anything that kept me busying, if I started to think, I'd go for a run

Boredom is the sign of a lazy and unimaginative mind.

There's always SOMETHING to do. Clean the house. Straighten the basement. Learn a new skill. Exercise. Cook something fancy that takes planning. Hang out with friends. Catch up on movies. Play a new game. Go for a walk.

If you STILL can't think of something to do, then VOLUNTEER. There is NOTHING more rewarding than getting out there and helping other people (or animals! The humane society uses volunteers too!), and realizing how good you really do have it.

Make a list of your blessings, and run through them when you start feeling down.

Wao Cat, can u actually do that? Keep yourself busy all the time.


Pretty much. My mind loves puzzles and learning and can find a puzzle or educational opportunity in almost anything. My philosophy has always been: if I am not willing to learn, then why should my children.

Boredom is like loneliness. It is a state of mind. You can be bored even if you are physically extremely busy. The trick is to not let yourself think that what you are doing is boring and to give your mind direction as it attempts to wander down paths where you don't want it to go, which is what it sounds like you have been doing.

I get bored easily but I'm usually not bored. When I wake up I shower immediately in case thoughts overwhelm me. Then I feel good and I watch TV for an hour and eat something if I'm off from work. Then I decide to do my errands or go shopping. Its winter so it's a bit difficult to play sports out but football sometimes with family. Or watch a movie or play a game. If I'm at work, people come in and out and the people are very nice. I like going to work if I have to... lol I went to the gym last night and felt great afterwards... Im going tonight after work again. I mostly feel lonely...

You've got quite a few things there to be happy about!

As for lonely,we all feel lonely at times,but it's better to feel lonely on your own on occasion than to feel lonely in a bad relationship.

Remember my ex used to lie and say she was asleep and yet she would go out... she even said she did that a lot one time when she was mad so I know she did it a lot. Lot. That's hurtful... She would curse me out and call me an and the worst boyfriend in public and swing at me. Once she got a text and I saw her hiding it so I said who is that... when I checked she had deleted it.. then I was mad and she started crying saying I deserve better. And that I should leave her house... strange... I said I'm done with us but she said no don't. So I stood. I was always afraid of moving in with her because I would think whenever she was mad she would slam a door really hard. She used to slam the door to my car a lot really hard! I liked the sex though and the fact that she kept me busy and we did lots of things. I just loved her. Weird thing is she was very jealous... I couldn't have a magazine with a girl on the cover or she would get mad. What's strange is that as jealous as she was she tried to be cool with the porn as 3 occasions she tried watching it together with me so that was cool. Once my dad had a victoria secrets commercial on and she walked out because I was looking at it. She used to put her middle finger at me and disrespect me but yet at other times was kind of nice with me. She would smoke even though I didn't like it. And try to hide it. I told her not to worry about it but at least admit it... but she wudnt so I'd get mad whenever I found out. She was jealous of my girl cousin all the time. What's funny is that I had a family sleep over and she didn't want to go because my girl cousin. So when I went I called her to make sure she is okay and to tell her everything is fine... her fone was off and she was out. That's when we first broke up. Then she met her new boyfriend at that church she went to behind my back so I guess that's y she left me... n history repeated itself... she sneaked again!

Groundhog Day... :rolleyes:

Groundhog Day.................. :rolleyes:

I love that movie. :)

Emo, you're bored again. :rolleyes:

Groundhog Day.................. :rolleyes:

I had to spread the rep M.

Emo, rent Groundhog Day the movie, you're living it right now. Replaying the same day over and over and over and over again.

We know what she did to you, you already told us, numerous times. We've already told you to move on, numerous times. You're not telling us anything new. Maybe that's why new people coming to this thread are so confused.

How many times are you going to tell us the same story? When are you going to let it go, realize that what happened doesn't matter, it's what you do now that does.

Well look at it this way... NOBODY should have to put up with that sort of thing. Man or Woman. Anyone who stays with a person who acts like that towards them deserves what they get. If you choose to stay in such a situation then you forfeit any right to complain about it.

If you want to learn from lifes mistakes... (and this IS one of those) you have to put it behind you and move on to the next person. When it is truly in the past, THEN and only then can you revisit it in order to remember the lessons learned.

Anyone who dates a paranoid, control freak has to make a choice. And there really are only two choices.

#1 - Leave because you are better than they are.

#2 - Stay and put up with it because you can't do any better for yourself.

If you keep going back and forth... that counts as choice #2.

You have to decide if you deserve better or not.

My brother told me his girlfriends brother who is my exs brother is graduating today. I was thinking of going to the dinner and surprise everyone and my ex and show up well dressed with my new clothes and cologne and haircut. It would be great to show her I'm doing good without her. My bro also said she still doesn't hang out with the family and is always out and she is probably with a new guy all the time now. It's sick!!

What would going accomplish? You would look more like the stalker to be honest, showing up at her family dinner. Not to mention, how are you showing her you're doing good by showing up all dressed up? She's not going to take it that way

How will she take it? But yeah I'm not going. You are right. It won't accomplish anything. Thanks Rome.

She will look at it as, wow what a loser, he got all dressed up to come see me

WHY do you insist on reinserting yourself back into the mess with her?

Do you enjoy her belittling, lies and general B.S.

What it does make you look like is a desperate loser crawling back.

In fact anything that puts YOU back into HER circle makes you look like you are crawling back asking for more.

My brother told me his girlfriends brother who is my exs brother is graduating today. I was thinking of going to the dinner and surprise everyone and my ex and show up well dressed with my new clothes and cologne and haircut. It would be great to show her I'm doing good without her. My bro also said she still doesn't hang out with the family and is always out and she is probably with a new guy all the time now. It's sick!!!

Why is it sick that she's with a new guy? She's single, available. What she does with her time now is no concern of yours. The fact that you're thinking about it is sick.

As for going to the dinner, all that's going to accomplish is showing her that you aren't over her, that you still want to impress her. Stay home!

My bro also said she still doesn't hang out with the family and is always out and she is probably with a new guy all the time now. It's sick!!!

Do you need to reset the NC clock? Getting 'news' about her through your brother is not good. It needs to be put under "I won't ask. Please don't tell me."

Live your life. Don't think about her's.

Wrong motive emopunk, now you're really trying to show your ex how strong and manly you are after being trashed by her. Its not the way, not showing her and let her discover(never) you are not a guy that can be played by a fool.

Do you need to reset the NC clock? Getting 'news' about her through your brother is not good. It needs to be put under "I won't ask. Please don't tell me."

Live your life. Don't think about her's.

Maybe he should just marry her and QUIETLY put up with her abuse since he seems to enjoy it so much that he keeps going back for more.

And yes... what the OP is doing is going back to the well for another drink. He's only pretending to do the No Contact thing. Getting the info through a third party is really no different than getting it yourself.

And Emopunk7... A Heroin addict is still a heroin addict no matter how they get the drug... you can't say you beat the addiction if you just exchange the needle for smoking or snorting the drug.

You lose the right to complain about a situation if you keep walking back into it by choice.

I didn't go and I said I wasn't. Thanks Amicon, BSCW, Altenweg, Cat, Romefalls19, and Smoothy for the rescue though!! You guys rock! So does this site!

Well, that's good to hear... if the thought ever does enter your mind, remember what we told you. The longer you keep up N/C and avoid even thinking about her, the quicker she will become just a bad memory.

There are plenty of the really nice women around without issues to even think obout wasting time with the ones with numerous issues they haven't even begun to deal with yet.

Nobody needs a "project". They need a partner. And like we said and you already know... many of us have learned these lessons the hard way and wasted years of our lives for nothing. If we can pass on what we have learned it will save others from making the same mistakes.

Keep it up emo, technically I wasted 3 years, but its what I learn and what I will be in the future that counts. You've wasted 4 years as a doormat, now just let the other guy be the doormat OK?

I feel so alone... sometimes I miss her or think of the bad stuff she did and sometimes I don't miss her and then I wonder if its my fault and why did it go this route. What could have been different. I feel a bit down the pass 2 days. Help...

Emo, get up, go for a walk, make a pie, watch your favorite movie, call a friend and go out, do laundry, fold laundry, just do something other then thinking about her.

I have one question for you. Have you read your posts? Do you really remember what she did? No? Read your posts. After you read them ask yourself this question "Is she worth thinking about? Is she worth being upset about? Is she worth being lonely over?"

I bet she isn't. So why are you giving her so much power? Stop it! Take the power back. Only you can change this.

Now go bake that pie! Send a slice to me. :)

Hi Emo,

I'm not sure if others have mention this, but here goes.

It should be obvious to you that you're constantly going to have questions about the past. Sometimes you'll get the answer and sometimes it's still left unanswered.

But what you should ask yourself is, are the answers that important? I say this because, every single person in this world is different, so any interaction is going to differ from person to person. All the answers that you seek are only relevant in terms of the interactions that you have with your ex. It's not going to be exactly the same situation with any other person. So unless you want to get back with your ex one day, do the answers really matter?

I'd say, quit beating yourself up and take some of Alty's advice about doing something else to distract yourself.

What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?

What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?

Emo
Of course you'll find that again , and the sooner you stop worrying about your Ex the sooner it'll happen.

As they say "When one door closes another one opens" BUT you have to let the first door close first.

What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?

When you read a good book, do you believe that you won't ever read a book that good again? Did you stop reading?

When you listen to a great piece of music, do you really think that you will never hear a another song that great again? Do you still listen to music?

When you see a beautiful painting, do you ever think that you will never see another piece of art that beautiful again? Do you still look at art in all its forms?

When you taste a well prepared meal, do you ever think that you will never have another meal that great? Are you starving yourself?

Then why do you continue to think in absolutes with this female?

By having the expectation that you will never be happy again, you limit your ability to be happy. Some elderly people who are grumpy and mad at the world are that way because they had something happen in their youth and they told themselves they would never be happy again. So they never were. It was self-fulfilling on their parts.

I want you to really think about what you mean when you say that she is someone like you. From what I have gleaned from your posts, she is a manipulator, a liar, not trustworthy, betrays trust, abusive, insensitive, inconsiderate, hypocritical, and the list goes on. I don't think you are like that. Not from what I have read of your writings especially on other threads.

What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?

Have you met all 6+ billion other people in the world yet? After you've done that, then you can come back and tell us that there's nothing better than your ex.

My ex started getting too busy with work being she was made supervisor. Even on her breaks she just had lunch with supervisors and stopped calling me except for like 5 minutes when she had an hour. She said for me to understand. Then I was working and she kept texting because I was suppose to be ou of work but I had to do another shift. I guess she was upset and I knew she was getting more upset than usual and I felt lie she was doing it on purpose. I found out she was with her sister going to her church where her ex is. When I asked if she is going there she says no then yes and then no but I found out she did. It's solo annoying she lies. That night I don't know what happened but I tried to be cool and not bother and just trust. Next day I hoped to at least get a message or voicemail but nothing. Also while at work Friday nights I would get no texts or calls. I believed she was tired but after realizing that when she was mad and she said she was out a lot behind my back, I know why she wouldn't now. I don't get if she wouldn't like that and I don't know who would then why do it to me. And I'm pretty cool. You lied to me again fine. Just say okay I lied I'm sorry and it's just because of this and that and I will go home now or I will keep texting or something since you got caught. But all I got was f u and I been doing this and stop asking questions and you are more annoying than my job and all this yet she is the one sneaking out when she said she was sleeping. And ignoring me 5 hours after that. Messed up! Would anybody else deal with that? Why would she treat me like that? It was pretty reasonable for a boyfriend to be upset at a lying girlfriend but I don't get why she treated me like that and the next day she just text me saying sorry and I love you but on her break she just went to lunch with her supervisor instead of fixing us. Then when she did call she didn't want to talk about it and she was just tired of hearing it like she already gave up. It was strange.

I feel a bit down and I don't know why I still think of her... its like I still want to be right next to her and hold her and do everything to her. Why do I still feel this way? N y doesn't she feel that way? Am I not good enough?

am I not good enough?

She needs something different than what you have to offer. You need something different from what she gave.

Different does NOT equate to not good enough. Absolutes and relationships (or thinking about relationships) do not go well together. Too many variables.

Then when she did call she didn't want to talk about it and she was just tired of hearing it like she already gave up. It was strange.

Emo, if you harp on everything the way you've done here then I'm beginning to understand how she felt.

You can't seem to let anything go. If someone makes a mistake you keep bringing it up over and over again. No one likes that and no one should have to put up with it.


Even on her breaks she just had lunch with supervisors and stopped calling me except for like 5 minutes when she had an hour.

My husband never calls me on his lunch break. It's his lunch break! He's supposed to eat something. We can talk when he gets home. I don't have to have contact with him every minute of the day. I have other things to do, my life doesn't revolve around him.

I don't think any of us can offer you more advice. We keep telling you what you should be doing, you say that you're going to do it, then all of a sudden we're once again hearing the story of your breakup. We know it by heart, we've heard it millions of times already. I feel like I was there at this point.

Emo, when you're actually ready for help, to get past this and move on, then come back. Until you can let it go you won't get anywhere in this journey.

You have all the tools you need right here on this thread. We keep repeating ourselves and it's not going anywhere.

I wish you luck. I've done all I can, the rest is up to you.

I just woke up a bit happy and I wondered what I dreamt about and it was about having sex with her... Now I'm really sad!!

I am coming into this VERY late - my opinion? OP is obsessive. That drove this girlfriend away and will probably drive the next girlfriend away.

(735 posts on this one thread and OP still doesn't get it - ?)

U don't get it Altenweg... I didn't expect a call all the time... I got used to her only calling when she could and it wasn't a problem. But it was a problem that specific day because something serious happened and she still didn't put me first. Its not that I don't let it go its just that I was just stating everything that happened because I want to understand what it was about and why because I didn't do anything wrong for her to act in these ways. I only missed her during work and that's it. I just loved her while she was beginning to get too busy and instead of effort she just did things to make us worse. I'm not trying to bring her down but I just want to understand why she acted that way and maybe somebody knows.
You don't understand that the first time together I did dumb things that got to her...
I called exs but only for advice I swear.
I checked her phone
I would yell and be mean at times.
I wouldn't want to hang out much.

I worked on all those things and I can honestly say that this time together I didn't do any of those things not even once because I loved her and wanted everything to work. If I put that effort then why couldn't she put the effort of not doing things behind my back? Like I said I would have even forgiven her again but the way she reacted showed me she didn't care. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
I didn't do ANY of my past mistakes and I took her on the vacation and made her dream come true and took her to disney land and put her on a plane to Florida. I really cared and loved being with her and tried new things and we had lots of fun. She would just stay mad on purpose a lot the last month. I set up my room with pics of us on a canopy around my bed and I was setting up the candles... she comes up fast as if to check up on me. I don't need her checking up on me as if I can't be trusted... how much more could I prove I was trustworthy but she said she could never trust me. I don't get it. So as she comes up, you know when you don't want anyone to see the surprise,

Emo,you are going around in circles again.
What happened to staying busy and enjoying each day as it comes?
Come on,it really is time to let the past stay in the past.

So I yell noo don't come in yet and then she gets mad and says I yelled... like what the freak? I'm trying to set something up and I know she is just rushing to check up on me. Then I had to beg for her to come up and see it... then she finally gets on my bed and I say okay get ready and I did but when I get to the bed she still has her clothes on. I ask y and she says not yet. Then she turns her back and ignores me. So I finally get annoyed and she argues and goes downstairs and falls asleep on the sofa. After an hour I tell her to come on that I am taking her home because she can do that there... mind you she always throws me out but instead I ask to drive her home but she gets mad and walks home. Why would she act like that with me? I'm sooo confused! And why do I still miss her at times quite a lot. I'm glad I got over the pain but I want to stop thinking about her as well!! I hate it already!

Emo, I do get it. That's the problem.

You want to know what I see when you post?

1. Emo wants to get on with his life, wants to move forward, or so he claims. Sadly his posts don't support that.

2. Emo can't move forward because he keeps trying to find answers as to why it ended. Emo cannot accept that it doesn't matter how it ended, only that it did.

3. Emo obsesses about what happened, it's always on his mind, he posts about it at least once a week, often more, even though he's supposed to be moving forward.

4. Emo is stuck in the past.

5. Emo wants us to tell him why his ex did this. We don't know. Only she knows. Until Emo can accept that why it ended doesn't matter, that moving on means forgetting about it, Emo will be stuck right where he is, reliving the entire relationship, dissecting everything that happened over and over and over again.

6. Emo is in a rut. Until he realizes this, there's no way we can help him.

Emo, it's in the past. Until you are ready to leave it there, you don't have a future, you're destined to keep reliving the past and you will not find happiness that way.

She is not a part of your life anymore. What she did doesn't matter. What you do now does.

When you finally understand that, then we can help. Until then I fear that everything we say just goes over your head and hits the wall behind you.

Let me know when you're ready, really ready. You aren't ready now.

So I yell noo don't come in yet and then she gets mad and says I yelled... like what the freak? I'm trying to set something up and I know she is just rushing to check up on me.

So what? It's in the past.


then I had to beg for her to come up and see it... then she finally gets on my bed and I say okay get ready and I did but when I get to the bed she still has her clothes on. I ask y and she says not yet. Then she turns her back and ignores me.

So what? It's in the past.


So I finally get annoyed and she argues and goes downstairs and falls asleep on the sofa.

So what? It's in the past.


After an hour I tell her to come on that I am taking her home because she can do that there... mind you she always throws me out but instead I ask to drive her home but she gets mad and walks home.

So what? It's in the past.


Why would she act like that with me? I'm sooo confused!

It doesn't matter, she's in the past.


And why do I still miss her at times quite a lot.

Because you won't stop obsessing about the past.


I'm glad I got over the pain but I want to stop thinking about her as well!!

You're not over the pain. Want to know why? Every time the scab starts to form you rip it off and reopen the wound. You do it to yourself. You're the only one that can heal and move on but you refuse to. You keep going over everything that happened in this relationship, that's why you can't move on.


I hate it already!

So do we. We've given you the tools and you put them in a corner and let them collect dust.

You don't get it. Until you do, you'll be stuck where you are.

You have got it all wrong but not your fault because you are not me and I know you are helping me and I appreciate that. Altenweg the truth is that she never let my past mistakes go. Every argument we had she brought up how I called exs and any other thing I did wrong. I begged constantly for us to not bring up the past and just talk about the issue at hand. I didn't have to deal with that. It drove me crazy... I guess our communication wasn't great now that I think about it. I'm glad I am away from her certain reasons but then for certain reasons miss what we had and the good times! I hate this already!! I know it doesn't matter, its in the past now.

You have got it all wrong but not your fault because you are not me and I know you are helping me and I appreciate that. Altenweg the truth is that she never let my past mistakes go. Every argument we had she brought up how I called exs and any other thing I did wrong. I begged constantly for us to not bring up the past and just talk about the issue at hand. I didn't have to deal with that. it drove me crazy...I guess our communication wasn't great now that I think about it. I'm glad I am away from her certain reasons but then for certain reasons miss what we had and the good times! I hate this already!!!!!!! I know it doesn't matter, its in the past now.

No, I'm not you, you're right about that.

You say she never let your past mistakes go, every argument you had she brought up you past mistakes. Well, sweetie, that's what you're doing now. No wonder it didn't work out, neither one of you could let go of past mistakes. I'm sure that led to many arguments.

Breaking up is hard, but having read all of your posts, you're better off without her. You two were not good together because neither one of you could let the past be the past. Heck, now that your relationship is in the past you still can't let it go. That says a lot. I can only imagine what it was like when you two were together. I bet that every time you two argued both of you would bring up past mistakes each other made.

The fact is, it's over. It's done. It's past. No more. Kaput. Finit. The end. The only problem now is that you still want to rehash the past, even though it doesn't matter anymore.

You're torturing yourself over things that happened that you can't change.

We can't help you. You're not ready to let go.

[QUOTE=emopunk7 agrees: How am I obssessive? I am simply trying to get through this. I have been on NC since the day she said its over. I just rather come here and talk than with friends. Does that qualify as obssessive?
[/QUOTE]



You have been posting about this for months. Nothing has changed. You say you want to go forward but make no effort to actually move forward. Yes, coming on here - how many times? Going over and over and over the same things, yes, that's obsessive.

I'm sure one of the reasons you are here is because your friends are tired of hearing about it.

So, yes, that qualifies as obsessive.

Do you actually read the responses or just continue posting?

No, I feel like you ignored what I wrote... I said she would always talk about past mistakes and I just wanted to deal with the problem at hand. I would even tell her for us to not use words like always and all that. I really tried. I listened a lot as well which is probably why we lasted a while but what I don't get is that we didn't break up for any of these reasons. We broke up when she went out behind my back. Then this second time together she does it again except I do it back and we still break up. Out of everything why always over this? I also see that you wrote no you are not me. I didn't mean that in a bad way. I go over the details a lot yes. But I am wanting to get over it but why did I dream about having sex with her? I still want her but I want to not want her. Does that make sense. That's why I'm stuck right now.

You dream about having sex with her because she's always on your mind and - apparently - you aren't having sex with anyone else.

She doesn't want you - I don't know why you can't figure that out and move on.

I've had difficult breakups. I think everyone is betrayed at one time or another. Life goes on, painful as that truth is.

Judykatetee, I actually don't and haven't spoken about this to my friends even once. And what do you mean nothing has changed? I have more fun now and I try new things and I workout and I don't feel pain when thinking about it anymore. There's been lots of progress. I just have more to go and I'm hanging in there. I just write and think a lot but everyone here helps. I appreciate it. This is a hard time for me and I'm glad even with my overthinking I've kept NC for 3 months. I'm doing my best. Thank you for your posts!

Emo, I know that you're trying. Truth is, I like you, that's why I keep posting here, because frankly it's getting old and had it been anyone else I would have stopped posting a long time ago.

You're not a bad guy, but Judy is right, you are obsessive.

Want to know a secret? I still dream about my ex sometimes. We broke up over 21 years ago! He's still my friend. There's nothing romantic between us, but every once in a while he pops into my subconscious when I'm sleeping.

The difference between you and I is that I don't try to understand why it happens, because it doesn't matter. It's a dream. It's not reality and I am well adjusted enough to realize that he's in the past and he's there for a reason. He's my friend, that's it. He's not my husband because that part of our relationship didn't work.

You can't get over your ex because you refuse to accept that thoughts pop up for no reason and over analyzing them does nothing for you.

Yeah I have a few exs who are friends with nothing romantic as well. I guess this is fresh for me. I will try to stop it from now on. I'm just sad a relationship and being so close to someone ended. I feel plain a bit being single.

Nothing wrong with being single Emo , in fact enjoy being able to do what you wish without the fear of someone questioning your every move or action while you can.

It's normal to be sad Emo, but it's not normal to keep going over all the problems in the relationship over and over and that's what you're doing.

I'm going to ask you to do something. I think this will help. Go to the beginning of your thread, read all the posts. When you're done, tell me what you would think if you were giving advice to you.

Read the thread pretending it's not you that wrote it. Be unbiased about the whole thing.

What advice would you give Emopunk7 if he wasn't you?

Nothing wrong with being single Emo , in fact enjoy being able to do what you wish without the fear of someone questioning your every move or action while you can.

I love being married, love my husband, but I have to admit, I sometimes miss being single, the lack of responsibility, the freedom, being able to do what and who I want. ;)

Enjoy it while you can Emo, before you know it you'll be married, with kids, a mortgage, pets, responsibility. All of these past mistakes will seem so foolish to you.

Have fun, you're young and free, go enjoy it while you can.

M, had to spread the rep, but of course you know I agree. :)

I'm just sad a relationship and being so close to someone ended. I feel plain a bit being single.

Emo, it doesn't help that you are hiding those feelings from your 'friends'. Don't you trust them to help you get through the pain?

I don't have close friends. I had one best friend from freshmen year of HS to Senior year but a week after school he moved to Maryland and never spoke to me again. I never did a thing wrong to him. I was such a great friend to him and he was to me as well. I still wonder what happened but I gave that up years ago. It hurt for a while though. I hope he is happy still and forgive him for disappearing like that.

You do know that women are not attracted to guys that feel sorry about themselves?

Your "friend" had this thing called life he moved on to... maybe he moved with his family, moved for school, or moved for work. People move, sometimes its friends... sometimes its you. As an adult you do what you must to get ahead, not toss away opportunities when they arrive because of "friends" who would do the same thing if they had the chance.

I've moved chasing opportunity several times... different states... even different countries.

YOU are who is responsible for your life, and what you do with it. You only have one life... make the most of it.

It takes two to end a relationship Emo, both romantic and friendship. You say you didn't do anything wrong when your friendship ended. Are you sure you're as innocent as you seem to think you are, both with this friend and with your ex?

Everyone has flaws, it takes someone with confidence and acceptance to admit to his/her flaws. You don't seem to be able to do that.

Have you read your posts? You seem to think that everything was her fault, that you tried so hard, that you were a prince and she's the one to blame.

You have a bit of an ego. That's evident in everything you post. You seem to think that you're above wrong doing, that you're perfect and you can't understand why the people in your life leave that perfection.

You have to accept your part of the break up. You have to accept that you weren't as perfect and wonderful as you think you were. That's what's haunting you, because you see what she was in the relationship, you think it was all her, but it wasn't.

You have to accept that you had a hand in it. Then you have to forgive yourself and her and move on.

You have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect. Only then can you find happiness in a relationship and with yourself.