I need some clarity & advise, please.

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. Never experienced that before.

We are both successful artists, I am 10 years older. We spend most of the time together, but sometimes apart for weeks at a time. The distance has been trying, but we have made it work and the time together has been amazing and special & unique.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time. In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape. Then became super driven.

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I don't want to lose her. She's says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this. She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just don't know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

Thanks for listening.

What a really sad situation to be in. For sure, reading the stickies at the beginning of this forum, will give you some insight on how to start the healing process, and learn to be patient with yourself, as it will take quite a while, and some hard work on your part, to even get started.

There is a link in my signature to help you find them. It won't be easy, but we can answer questions, and let you vent and rant, and provide some support for you doing this terrible time.

We have all been in your shoes at one time or another. Some of us quite a few times so we understand, and your not alone.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

Obsession with fame and fortune is usually because of a lack of love in the home as you described. Someone feels the need to get it elsewhere but also at a distance, so they can turn it off and on without really committing to it. Ironically enough that’s what long distance relationships are kind of like. You can have someone there but not always be there for the downs, just the ups.


She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

In other words she has no idea what she wants. She may want to be the best on the job, and perhaps even in a relationship, but she has no idea how to do that. So for her the best is a relationship at a distance.


This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

You love her. You can never speak for someone else.


She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesnt want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time.

She is lying. She has had 5 years, she doesn’t need time to figure it out.


In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

She’s telling the truth. You are amazing. You’ve put up with inconsistent behavior from someone who isn’t always around for 5 years. You have done more than most men would do.


I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

And girlfriends who truly love and understand love appreciate, recognize, honor, and are truthful repay that back with the same. Your ex is not.


From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.


I don’t know, I’m just asking but did she just have flings and bad relationships in the past or did she just have one long fling and bad relationship with you. The reason I say that is, again a long distance relationship is kind of like a fling with the same person over and over again. Was this really a healthy relationship? It doesn’t sound like it.


She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape.

I don’t think she ever escaped. You can’t go looking around the world for a solution to a problem that inside of you. Many people think the solution to all their problems are “out there” and go looking for the answers but never seek them. All your problems are solved from within, and you don’t need to travel the world to do it.


Then became super driven.

There’s nothing wrong with being driven, but I wonder if that drive was not for success but rather a distraction to all her problems.


I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I dont want to lose her.

This was a mistake. You never beg a woman after she dumps you, because then she knows she can take as long as she wants and you’ll still be there.


Shes says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this.

What nonsense. She says she wants to be single, yet will tell you later why she’s doing this. More inconsistent behavior. After someone invests 5 years they deserve the truth and they shouldn’t have to wait for it. But the truth is, this behavior is the same as it’s always been.

From the usual woman perspective it’s also a way to keep you holding on to hope. You pleaded with her, so she’s in no hurry to return and this game gets her some attention and gives you false hope.


She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I wish she could to. But that really doesn’t matter at this point because she’s the cause of it. So it’s in your best interest to get rid of the cause.


I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Women let themselves out of the relationship emotionally before they dump a guy. That is exactly what she did here. Furthermore, I’m not sure she was ever as committed as you were. To me this reads like she had you at a distance but was never able to commit fully to the relationship anyway, because she can’t fully commit to herself that she is able to actually love someone.


Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just dont know what hit me or will ever get any answers.


So you’re going to lose some weight for a couple days. Good for you. I’m not trying to make light of your situation, but I want you to see there is positive in every situation. Focus on those positives. From small positives come bigger ones. As for lack of sleep, don’t force it. Get out of bed and take a walk. Get a gym membership and completely push yourself so you’ll be tired.

This is a temporary feeling and it will pass but you can move it along faster by taking positive actions for yourself.

As Tal says, you need time to recover. The more deeply you let go, he faster and more complete the recovery. Get to a gym. Modify your approach to your art. Take some classes. This is tough, but everyone gets through it somehow, and some people actually learn great things because of moments like yours right now.

The person you describe has a relationship disorder. She is looking for magic to solve all her problems, and since she won't find it, will always be disappointed, restless, and unable to just be with her mate. You are built differently. You need to couple with someone who can have the kind of relationship that will fulfill you.

Let go of her, and let go of any idea about having made her successful, or having invested so much in the relationship. You have already taken the loss. She is unable at this time to be grateful for what you have done for her. "Unable" means that no matter what you do, she is still stuck with her life view, and her survival strategy.

No one will deny you the realization that this sucks. But you own your internal processes. Work it out in the best ways you know, and work on taking strides in your new life.
Tao

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her & don't want to give her the opportunity to find out. That's destroying me.

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her

To be honest, the person better for her is herself. She has no idea who she is.

But what about you. Why worry about her, you deserve better then she gives you and now you get a chance to find that person.


dont want to give her the opportunity to find out. Thats destroying me.

The sooner you can let her go, the sooner someone better suted can come into your life.

She says that this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life. But still makes me feel like she would rather find out if there is something better.
She is anamored with successful photographers, artists and such and Im scared that she wants to play the field to be close to that.

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

We all go through this. It sucks to think about them being with someone else.

I realize that. But can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when I told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

I realize that. but can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when i told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

Those feeling will pass in time. It happens to all of us. And I'm going through them right now. And I've been through them before. It just takes time. With time you will care less and less about it. You will not worry so much about her being with someone else. You'll just remember the good times you had with her. It sucks big time there's no doubt about it. But there's only one way through. And that's simply through it.

Lonelyandbroken, for some reason your new posts aren't showing unless they are repeats

You are really in love. But you must have to be strong and to start been in charge of your emotions and life.
It's very painful, is true, but in order to get what you want you must have to make her FREE give her the SPACE she needs to experience other people in order to validate your relationship. THIS IS KEY, Sometimes woman don't want a man that are "to much into them". Let her totally free, it is the only way she may come back to you. Go outside and visit places, friends and family. You may be missing something wonderful that life has for you. Thake care and be strong.

Thanks, I am in love and have a hard time just turning that switch off as easliy as she is appearing to do. She is traveling to attend a family event that I too was supposed to attend & was looking forward to seeing her there as planned. Makes me feel like crap. Her Birthday is Monday & said she would call me then when she returned. Not sure what more I can say to her. My knee jerk is to give love, but don't want to seem vengeful by not. Im not that way. Feels terrible. All I can think of is that she is getting consoled and supported by her family that this the right thing for her.

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. Appreciate the thoughts.

Ok, I think you should make her think about you and to miss you. Specially in "special times" Give her the "present of freedom". BE STRONG.
This has nothing to do about you giving love. I think you already gave SO MUCH love. Remember you also have to love yourself

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. appreciate the thoughts.

Yeah it sucks. But I've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And I concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And I have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if I could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. Difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

This is normal trust me. I know how this feels all to well. It feels like something has been ripped from you. That nothing seems worth it. And your mind bounces from thought to thought and you get nothing done. It takes time. But try to do stuff to keep your mind off it. Just try to do some new things. Some things that you enjoy. You'll make it we all will.

Yeah it sucks. But i've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And i concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And i have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if i could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

I think you make a point. You can not force a woman to stay with you. I think you are doing geat great! I'm glad you choose to love yourself, so you learned the lesson and next time things are going to be much better for you.

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like I'm not trying to save this.

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

Yes it is not easy just cutting contact with someone that has been with you for so much. It truly sucks. But NC is for you. To help you clear your head and figure yourself out. You must worry about yourself. To get in touch with your inner self. To find out who you are once again. To start to make yourself happy.

She has to make her own choices. Take care of yourself. If she wants to be with you then she will. You can't force anything. Sometimes the best thing to do is simply purge yourself of the drama.

Here's something I thought about last night. Some people wanted me to go hang out at a bar last night. But I wouldn't because my ex's sister is usually there and sometimes the ex. The people that wanted me to come is like aww don't let them win. Blah blah. Come on show up and you can win. Well to me it's not about a game. And the only way to truly win is to not give in and play.

My point is getting out of the drama is the only way to find yourself again.

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

You already tried very hard to save the relationship. Let her MISS YOU AND THINK ABOUT YOU. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off all of this.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off of all of this.

You may never get the answers you seek. Be prepared for that. You shouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out why how or what she is thinking( I know easier said than done). You just have to accept what has happened and go from there.

Thank you, gives me a lot to soak in. One thing I was wondering and maybe can get some insight is. Being long distance, we traveled quite a lot to see other. She seems to feel and let me know that she sacrificed more. Money, time, etc.. But always wrapped her trips around a project to either compensate or benefit her portfolio in some way. I certainly don't blame her for that. She let me know every time for her expenses and sacrifice and maybe she was losing other gigs because of this. I too traveled quite a bit, but had clients here and elsewhere. I always traveled to see her on my own dime & volition. I even left a full-time gig partly to be there for her. Really hard to understand this.

Somewhere in this painful experience, you might find yourself asking, "Whatam I doing?" Not that you are doing anything that the rest of us haven't done, or that there's anything wrong with what you are doing. Just asking yourself "What, specifically, am I doing?" in a genuinely curious voice.

If this happens, you might stop and look. Your awareness of how you suffer through this loss might somehow make available to you the choice to stop suffering. You'll be done and will simply move on.

Tao

Thanks, maybe Ive been blind and felt a lot of pressure to not lose the person I am in love with. She was moving just as things were getting serious. Believe me I wanted to & jumped out of my skin at times because of this and flew out to see her in moments notice.

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet I too know how hard its is. Believe me.

Taopir, that post never came through. Mot sure why I am experiencing this.

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet i too know how hard its is. believe me.

Of course she is. It is a great excuse for her and makes her look like the good guy.

I know chuff, & thanks for the first post. I will be reading that for a while.

I understand you may have questions as to why its happening the way it is, but just trust me, you won't understand the answers at this time, and only will have more questions.

Until the emotional dust settles, the brain is on vacation, and just doesn't work very well at this time. It will later though, later rather than sooner.

Thanks Tal, Its hard to assimilate and reduce things right now. I guess the why is beyond my comprehension.

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & I'm sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves. Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness. Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks. Never joined one of these before. Im in tears.

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & im sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves.

I can't speak for everybody else, but you know as strange as this sounds you don't need to be sorry for the pain I've felt with women because as I look back each time I've gone through what you are right now, I've got stronger, wiser, and better because of it. You will too.


Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness.

Weakness is doing nothing about it. You have taken the first steps to your emotional freedom, which is not weak. Ignoring the consistent advice and continuing to talk to her is weakness so please do not be that guy. You will be so proud you did once the emotions die down.


Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks.

Read the sticky's on the main page.



Never joined one of these before.

You know it's interesting you say that. I came here about 3 years ago because I was having a problem with a female at work and as a result of that female, and what I learned here, she actually, unintentionally drove me and helped me into the arms of another woman who I went out with for about a year. I literally changed my behaviors from what I learned on this site and ironically it ended because it became a long distance relationship and wasn't going to work that way. My point is, you don't know where the advice here can take you but the key is you have to apply it.



Im in tears.

So cry away. Don't hold it in, and do not hold on to it. If you break NC do not tell her you are crying over her. That will let her know again she can do what she wants and you'll let her. You are done giving her those ideas.

My X was narsacistic as well. I think you would honestly be for the better to let it go and focus on you. My X would always have this insane drive to be the BEST, but she also would flip flop around and change her mind on plans, New York, no LA, no live here and open a academy, no go back to college and get a doctorate. Always driven to do something great, but her father was killed in a car accident and her mother was a Witch with a broom and never really gave her the satisfaction she needed as a woman to be proud of what she did, so in turn she would just constantly seek approval from other men, or other people. Needed people to ackgnowledge her greatness and make her feel important. When I did it, it didn't mean anything because I was her BF and I am suppose to make her feel like that. She needed validation from 3rd party sources.

You don't need someone like that. And having a broken family home, messed up values, and all sorts of crazyness in her past is not going to make life easy on her. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you see that there are greener pastures waiting for you on the other side of this relationship.

Thank you. Sounds exactly like her. I guess I feel so jealous that she seeks this. Its only been a week & Im pretty rocked. I haven't spoken to her in 4 days & she said she would call me tomorrow (her Birthday of all things) I probably won't answer if she even has the courage to do so. Im so worried about the NC thing, feeling like she will think "oh, he is angry & hates me now" & go upon her business feeling like "gee, that was easy" as I am ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe you can tell me if you can what your ex said to you. I never got a real reason & sure to mine's friends & family is "the long-distance thing got to be too hard"...

Vanheart,

Hi! I just read your post that you want answers from her. I'm sure that would help but be prepared that you might never get them. I have been in your shoes a few times and it does suck. All you can do is think about them and miss them and that's normal.

But you are putting yourself, your needs, your feelings behind hers and she's not willing to do the same. You were in a 5 year relationship and she can't give you straight answers?

I was with someone who was very narcistic and boy did I get pulled in all directions. It was a "come here, but go away" relationship and it took me forever and ever to get over the pain.

I never got answers and who knows if the ones he would have given me would have been honest. Narcisits tend to lie and misrepresent themselves. They feed off people and whe they want more, they feed off someone else.

This has NOTHING to do with you, but everything to do with herself. I'm sure there is more to these things going on than meets the eye, but it doesn't sound as though she gave as much as she took.

I know how the long distance relationships are, and they are one of the hardest things to go through, but when you love someone you make it work. Sounds like you do the bulk of the work.

What you are going through evily sucks. I know, I've been there. But it does get better, it really does. This is the time for YOU. Please do not feel as though you were not enough. You were, but she wasn't.

After a bit your appetite will return, you will sleep more and after time you will start to feel better. Your needs need to be primary. You have told her how you feel and what you want and if she isn't willing to give that back or after 5 years of being with you, not tell you WHY she can't give that back, then something is wrong with HER.

You sound very loving. That is a positive, remember that... although right now it doesn't feel like that. Sadly you are learning some things about yourself in a rough way.

You will change, life will change, and the pain will change. FOCUS on you. You have friends, you have talent, you have emotions and feelings that you are in tune with... that's not always common.

It doesn't sound like she is willing or unable to give you the answers you need for closure. That could be to keep you holding on or it could be that she really doesn't know. Look up some information on narcisism and you will be surprised by some things.

There are also some amazing boards out there for support. The one thing I learned is that with narcisim, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. They pull away only to pull you back in. They have grandiose visionss of themselves importance.

It's not you, it's the disorder. YOU are strong!

Thanks, as I mentioned we had constant talks about our future, what city, etc.. & never could come to some outcome because of her constant indecision about everything, but in the same right put the pressure on me to come up with the masterplan without sacrificing her career. What kills me is that she now says "Ive tried, & tried to get a plan out of you but you couldn't, etc.. So she is left making me feel like it was going nowhere. Very confusing.

Thanks, as I mentioned we had constant talks about our future, what city, etc.. & never could come to some outcome because of her constant indecision about everything, but in the sam right put the pressure on my to com up with the masterplan without sacrificing her career. What kills me is that she now says "Ive tried, & tried to get a plan out of you but you couldnt, etc.. So she is left making me feel like it was going nowhere. Very confusing.



Well that's just selfish, but narcisit true to fashion. She wants all these things with you, but YOU have to come up with the plan that won't sacrifice HER career. Sounds like it is all about her. I'm sure you would have to do some sacrificing as well, that's called LOVE.

A narcisit will shift blame at the drop of a dime. They will also tell you how wonderful you are one day and the next are cold to you. You will feel like a yo-yo. They are very self centered and their needs MUST come first. The are extreemly sensitive and they don't take criticism well at all. Have you ever felt like you weren't doing enough for her, yet you were busting your rump to do a ton? Ever feel like you weren't deserving of her?

You give and give and give and a narcisist loves that.. it's like a drug. You put her up on a petastool and it fuels her. She tried and tried to get a plan out to you, but tells you to come up with a plan? See the contradiction?

Has she ever said one thing and then totally contradicted herslef not much later and made you feel like you misunderstood? They will make you feel like crud, like you are losing your mind.

With a narcisist, it never gets easier. I tried and I learned that the hard way. It's not that you weren't good enough, or that they want someone more... it's constant attention all the time from everyone... and when they either feel too close or aren't getting the praise they feel is OWED to them on a constant level, the bail.

NC is hard, and I have slipped many a time, but with a narcisist, it doesn't get better... sad to say. Live for you and know you will improve as a person and one day, when you are ready, you will meet a woman who will treat you like the love that you are...

Yup, anytime I mentioned the word selfish, she hit the roof. Im just not sure how she could tell me she loves me, etc.. And after so long just turn it off. If she voraciously and frequently wanted more or something else, why after 5 years do this? Im not even sure she feels remorse, or understands what Im going through.

Of course she hit the roof, you were seeing her FAULTS and calling her out on them. A narcisist can not handle that and if someone does such a terrible thing in her mind, they must be punished.

After all she is the one with the talent and it's HER career that can't be sacrificed and YOU are supposed to come up with a plan that revolves around HER. Wow!

Five years is a long time for a narcisit, but it could have a lot to do with the fact that there is some distance. The chance are that she doesn't feel remorse. Big trait of a narcisit, they don't feel bad for using and abusing.

Narcisism is a disorder, an illness. This is not because of YOU and is all about her (how ironic). They tend to be void of a lot of feelings but will show the world someone who isn't real.

They put on a mask and people who are not close to them think "wow isn't he/she wonderful" and the narcisit LOVES that kind of thing, but in the reality, they are totally someone different. They think they are always one step ahead and are smarter than the rest.

The also have a very misguided interpretation of their skills, success, and achievements. A lot of time they like to align themselves with people who they think others would be impessed.

Sad to say it's a façade. Please, please, know that it isn't you. That's hard to take I know, I've been there... but it's true. It's NOT that you were never good enough, smart enough, handsome enough. It was NEVER had you done this or that and maybe you would still be together, because you could have done everything right and it still wouldn't have worked.

They suck you in and keep you in... also don't be surprised if she were to get all weepy and apologetic and pull you back in only to end up pushing you away again after a short time. That's classic.

I know you mentioned that it's her birthday coming up... do not call or answer her call. You need to take a stand for YOU. You are a wondeful person with a lot of worth and after 5 years you deserve a lot more than you were getting.

She was lucky to have had you... she blew it... she messed up.

More tomorrow... I promise.

Thanks so much. What's funny is she always wants to be labeled as a good person (not sure to who) but has cried to me about it. She saw a psychic a few weeks ago & he told her she was & cried when she told me, I thought she was happy. Also she traveled to some "The secret" course a week ago to try & get answers to which I supported her. She even asked me to check her into the flights as she was too busy. Then after she didn't tell me one detail after discussing details with her for the past 5 years on every little thing. Keep wondering if she really went to try & figure out a way to justify doing this.

Why would she have to ask a psychic if she was a good person? Either you know that about yourself or you don't. And being "labeled" a good person... sounds like it's for show, worried about what the world thinks and if they all think she is as wonderful and successful as she thinks.

She may not feel as though she has to justify anything, so you may not get that answer. Right now it is time to think objectively but things will become more clear when you are able to step back and look at things more clearly.

Spend this time on you. Focus on you. Make yourself your number one priority. Give yourself the respect you deserve. Rebuild yourself. Dive into something with passion. Take a karate class to physically release some stree and who knows, there could be another passion there.

Just curious, as 5 years of a long distance relationship is extreme, and I just wonder have you never been able to live together, or had a chance to both work on this relationship? By that I mean resolving issues, through working together through honest communications, where both partners can benefit. Thats compromise. What you seem not to have from both sides here. What does she give up for the relationship to work??

It just seems like more a monthly hook up than a relationship, as I can see over time being use to each other, but NOT bonding beyond the limits of both your busy schedules.

That's great for dating, but not so much so for long term commitment. You certainly can't work together when on partner is unsure, or has a different agenda than you have, so what I see is she may not have the capacity to compromise for the relationship enough for it to grow beyond more than hook ups once a month and cute phone calls in between.

Her needs are her priority, with you being an option when she has time. I think you've known that for a while, but just let it go for the sake of keeping peace, and not making demands that reflect your own wants and needs.

Its not about her any more though, and I think once you have had a chance to see what you want for yourself, you will find what you need, and not be emotionally sucked empty by her.

Tal,

In a way you're right. Although we communicated & tried to resolve some sort of future together, we were never able to live together for more than months at a time. Which, I guess, at first, felt like a stronger bond in a way, even though I wanted us to live together. Although she felt like she made the majority of the sacrifices here, it was never more important then her career. That made it almost impossible to try to live together, she often changed her thoughts/plans at the drop of a hat. Then got frustrated in why, regardless of my attempts to move, etc..

Accept her for who she is, she may never change, and go through the healing process without her influence. You have invested much, and need a lot of time for just you for a change.

I guess I feel pretty deceived. She always cried to me about all of the people, contacts, things, etc.. That she cut out of her life and her regrets over that. Now I feel like I am simply another one. Not a good feeling. Doesn't do much for my self-esteem.

Doesnt do much for my self-esteem.


Yourself esteem is not her esteem. Now, you are hurting but don't give her the power of taking yourself esteem. You can give her to power of your sadness, guilt, anger but your esteem is something deep with in you and it's just hiding. It will pop back up.

Was just thinking about how often times when we were apart, she become very angry and didn't know what to do with herself on weekends, downtime, etc... Put the blame on me, in a way, although I was feeling lonely too. She avoided socializing often times feeling like she couldn't truly go out have a good time with me away. Her family is pretty distant and her friends aren't really real ones, most superficial industry people. Makes me feel like she just needs someone there, regardless if its me or someone else. Feel like she didn't want to be true.

I guess I just feel like that the benefits she was experiencing of having a loving boyfriend is now outweighed by her desire to wonder if she can get that from other guys. Almost like I was keeping her from getting that and she resented me. I can't help thinking that she feels now that she has had a great weight lifted and is like "Whoo, Hoo, now I dont have a bf hanging around my neck that I have to report to." "Now I can meet, sleep with & date whoever shows me interest" Im sorry that I keep pressing the reset button here and feel weak about it, but my mind is still in shock. Thanks.

Vent, baby, Vent!

You are not pressing reset. You are pressing the start button to something better.

You are not pressing reset. You are pressing the start button to something better.

I like that line

I guess I just feel like that the benefits she was experiencing of having a loving bf is now outweighed by her desire to wonder if she can get that from other guys. Almost like I was keeping her from getting that and she resented me. I can't help thinking that she feels now that she has had a great weight lifted and is like "Whoo, Hoo, now I dont have a bf hanging around my neck that I have to report to." "Now I can meet, sleep with & date whoever shows me interest" Im sorry that I keep pressing the reset button here and feel weak about it, but my mind is still in shock. Thanks.

A great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. In time you will come to see what a blessing this is for you. I can't really say for sure she is a narcisist, but a lot of the behavior you mentioned sounds like she very well could be. You were not a burden, you were a loving boyfriend. Ask yourself this... do YOU think YOU were keeping her from anything?

No, JustLaw, I didn't.
I supported her in all aspects.
I wanted her to have friends and be social for her sake. We were committed. I wanted her to enjoy things in times where we couldn't be together, for her, but, obviously to not enjoy someone else physically. For me, I never felt like I needed something more or different, especially when we were apart and feeling lonely. As far as being a narcissist, Im certainly no expert. But what is becoming clearer to me, from your mirroring experiences, and other things Ive tried to discover about that disorder, I think she is. It doesn't ease the pain for me trying get those answers and even looking that up.. Its disheartening beyond belief. Ive never really thought about what that means in clinical terms or otherwise. One thing, I saw that narcissists often prey upon weakness or self-loathing individuals. Not traits that I feel I exhibit at all. I maybe gave too much without understanding the balance. I feel blinded by her in a way & not because her success made me feel rad or a was smitten. I truly thought we were right. And she reinforced that feeling.

Sorry. JustLaw, maybe I took that the wrong way and sounded defensive. Feeling frustrated. I know you are helping, and thanks for all you've contributed to this. No I never felt like I was keeping her from anything. Just the opposite. My only guilt or however to describe, was that we were living in different cities.

On a last note for me today, I feel weird writing this out of feeling weak, but today is her birthday & even though she said she would call me when she returned from her trip with family. I kind of knew she wouldn't & I probably wouldn't have answered the phone for NC. For whatever reason, for her, not get into another crying session on both our parts, or to not spoil her special day or ruin the party in her mind while staying true to her decesion. Needless to say she didn't and it makes me feel like dirt. I sent her a card, agreeing not to give gifts in order us to save $ for trips and such. (Ironically, I sent it the day before she broke up with me) I guess in some twisted and desperate way I expected her to call. At least to hear her voice, but maybe to hear something remotely loving at this point. Makes me feel like I was never anything. I feel like the card I sent is probably among a couple she's been sent and she doesn't even feel the love at this point. Im pretty sure no one wrote the heartfelt feelings I did, not even her mom, maybe Im wrong about that. I feel pathetic for saying all of this and quite embarrassed for expecting some contact after a week. Wondering if in some way she is getting off on that...

Its been little over a week & your posts have been so helpful. Today I feel like I am back to where is was when she told me. I feel devastated, lonely and miss her so much. I feel such incredible despair today that could barely get out of bed. Can't stop thinking about her & why, if there is someone else, etc... I haven't talked to her in 4 days & its killing me. We used to talk 20 times a day. Really hurting.

Its been little over a week & your posts have been so helpful. Today I feel like I am back to where is was when she told me. I feel devastated, lonely and miss her so much. I feel such incredible despair today that could barely get out of bed. Can't stop thinking about her & why, if there is someone else, etc... I havent talked to her in 4 days & its killing me. we used to talk 20 times a day. Really hurting.

This is normal. You won't get over her over night. But it'll get easier.

Just got a text from my ex. "Im not sure if you are, working. I'll be at home tonight and would like to say hi, Can I call you?" Man, I am really freaked now and feel terrified even though I am happy to hear from her. I am really confused and scared.

Part of wants to let her know that I can only talk to her if she wants to make it work, or be honest with me and give me some REAL answers in why she is doing this. I am not sure if it's the right thing to do & my stomach is knots. I am jumping out of skin.

Do not reply or accept anything that she says at this point. You are a wreck right now, making any kind of decisions will only confuse you even more, not to mention make you feel like this longer.

Ignore it and continue on with your life without her, until you can see a clear picture. I'm sure after that, you won't even care to talk to her or not. Good luck man, stay strong.

Should I write & tell her that I want NC and only contact me if she wishes to truly reconcile?

Should I write & tell her that I want NC and only contact me if she wishes to truly reconcile?


Don't tell her anything, just quit the contact. It's hard now, but you will get through it if you can truly stay NC for yourself.

Don't tell her anything, just quit the contact. It's hard now, but you will get through it if you can truely stay NC for yourself.

Yup just do it.

Btw ajGambino how are you doing. You went NC about the same time I did.

I guess I just want to let her know that she can't have her cake & eat it too and that I am respecting her decision. I keep composing this note in my mind & in a way gives me a bit of closure to let her know that I can't be there while she searches for something or someone better. Im pretty confused and having a hard time with just dropping off the face of the earth. Pretty scared.

BTW, I just wanted to say how appreciative I am for everyone's thoughts. It is so admirable to spend the time to help me and others. I hopefully can offer up that & repay sometime. I can't thank you enough. Right now, this is all I really have to help me through.

BTW, i just wanted to say how appreciative I am for everyone's thoughts. It is so admirable to spend the time to help me and others. I hopefully can offer up that & repay sometime. I can't thank you enough. Right now, this is all I really have to help me through.

Well I don't need your thanks. Helping others actually helps me. Taking my own advice and such. I'm going through the same things. And I'm trying to hold myself to same standard that I'm advising.

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

I would send a strong message with my SILENCE! She gave away all rights to your attention when she dumped you by phone!


She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time.


Do Not Reply. (Its about being to busy, and unavailable for her BS.)

Thanks, I guess however hard, that is what I should do. I feel terrible and its so against my nature.

And getting dumped on your a$$ is in your nature??

No. its not. Thanks.

She will be expecting to hear from you on her birthday and probably thinks she has you pegged to a T, and maybe she does, but you need to take a stand for you! It is odd and it is tough to do something that you normally wouldn't do, but you are not doing it to her or fer her or about her... you are doing it for YOU! You are making a stand for yourself and YOU are the number one priority.

You're right. Thanks for helping.

Although I have not gone through all 8 pages of responses, I can still hazard to offer my insight.

Her mind has already moved on. Yes, she may love you but you have to realize that loving someone is different from being in love with someone. She no longer desires to be with you. I know it is difficult to cope with.

You are a successful artist - perhaps you can express yourself in your art form.

Also, keep up with the no contact. When you suddenly have a desire to contact her (usually at night or when you're alone) force yourself to do something else. Walk out your door and have a walk. Turn on some music. Take a shower. Do something and eventually you will no longer have those urges.

Thanks, I am. Will be trying. I guess you wouldn't be here if you haven't experiencing similar feelings.

Talaniman Rule- Once a female dumps you on your a$$! Move on, and give that pleasure to a different female.

As the days go by, you will catch up on things that'll make your decisions to avoid thoughts of your ex, without even thinking about it.

A lot of people usually go out, hang with friends, do new activities, stuff like that. At first, I hated being home and had to go hang out with my friends any chance I could. As time passed, I was more comfortable being by myself and doing my own thing.

Try to find yourself, but don't push it. Let it come naturally. Do whatever you feel like doing and don't force yourself.


I hope this advice helps you some. Good luck man, work hard.

Thanks, I tried to socialize on Sunday but was so preoccupied that it really wasn't fun, actually made me feel worse about being absent emotionally 7 mentally given my friend's effort. But I guess that's just in my own mind. I will certainly try... I've made the decision to go NC. Hard to imagine what I would have done or said if it wasn't for everyone here.

thanks, i tried to socialize on sunday but was so preoccupied that it really wasnt fun, actually made me feel worse about being absent emotionally 7 mentally given my friend's effort. but i guess thats just in my own mind. i will certainly try... ive made the decision to go NC. Hard to imagine what I would have done or said if it wasnt for everyone here.

Just keep trying it'll get easier in time.

Thanks, one thing I'm doing right now, is deciphering her text message that rocked me today and writing my translations line by line. Words can revael some much, as in these threads. It may sound messed up or I'm hanging on to it, but its really helping NC. Im starting to see what she is all about amongst the pain and hurt and trying to look at who I really am & how I could be so naïve and try to fix things.

Im just venting, but I hope it helps me & others in the process.

As waivering about NC, I got this text message from my ex and broke it down. Please take it for what its worth & know its coming from someone that is week or more into my breakup.

"Hi, Im not sure if youre working"

(Translation: I hope you are still making$$ even after I did this. I don't really care if you are damaged, get over it.)

"I'll be at home tonight"

(Translation: That's when I will be available for you. My time is way more important. Keep waiting until later. I haven't taked to you in days cause it didn't serve me. Where are you? Im so used to you being there to take my B.S.)

"and would like to say hi"

(Translation: You just did remember the first word that you typed? Im not really calling to say hi, in fact this for my closure not to benefit you. I am not calling to reconcile.

And lastly...

"Can I call you"
I kind of feel crappy, was my Birthday yesterday & got your card, just spend a few days with my messed up family & really have no one to talk with. Plus I want you to get the impression that I care, but for my benefit to cause I know my narcissism is in jeopardy and flux.

Whoa, boy what a difference a day makes. Thanks for listening...

Lol, I got a big kick out of your translations.

How old are you both?

Im 45, she's 33. Its funny that you say this cause I was just worrying about the rationale for her friends and family. "I want someone my own age & career path" "It might be too late for kids" "He couldn't make a plan & wasn't driven enough' etc, etc, etc... But actually, I don't care what she says to others. I don't really play that & never have, the few friends are real & love me, and truly know who I am.

You are in a lot of pain. I've been through that with only four years but a couple months ago I got back together with my boyfriend after I told him I needed time and I did because my parents are divorced and just got back together. It's a real mess... Give her time she'll come back focus on good times together she misses you too! I know. You are very smart and will give her time she'll come back with open arms. UNDERSTAND HER!! She'll be sorry and believe me I'm only11... Be good. Understand. And keep being a good friend. Good luck! And the secret does work!! She'll come back.
-Woxmie

Thanks, but now this about me, not her. She needs way more help then the secret or any other general method, she needs someone that can help her with her personality disorder. She is incapable of true love for her mate, or anyone else, she practices self love for sure, but to a damaging and destructive degree and stuff like books or courses that she chooses fuels her and helps justify her. She is not spirtual at all, she just wants everyone to think that. I guess now, its not about wanted her back now, or to try to fight for my love, but, for me to pick up the pieces and move on. To try & become truly aware and let her live with herself. Because that is the only person she truly loves.

At the end my night & whirlwind day, I'm sad & teary. I feel sorry for her and me. I still feel love for her for so many ways. I feel so sorry for her & I wish things could be different. I wish she had the tools and power to love me. Thanks to everyone today, It really opened my eyes & reinforced that NC is the right thing to do.

Still feeling pretty crappy & can't seem to get her off my mind despite being strong yesterday with NC and not responding to my first message from her in days. In some weird way I want her to keep trying to hear that she misses me or cares, only to try & see if I can be strong.
I can't help wondering if there is someone else she is chasing and if that person is with her. I know none of these feelings are beneficial in any way, but its hard for me to stop feeling for her after 5 years. I can't stop wondering if she feels she made the right decision or realizes how much I'm hurting or even misses me at this point. The thought of her not caring is torturous.

I wonder what she is feeling after my no response from yesterday. I keeping that she thinks that I hate now if that helps her to forget about me...

I wonder what she is feeling after my no response from yesterday. I keeping that she thinks that I hate now if that helps her to forget about me...

You will probably never know. But don't worry about her just worry about how your feeling. Besides so what if she thinks you hate her. If she really really wants to know how you feel she'll ask. But if she doesn't really care she's not going to ask. She'll do what she wants.

I was with my girlfriend for 7 years... and she first told me the same thing as you. And I have been feeling the same things...

In my case, there was another person in the picture.. but this is what I am trying to tell myself to do.. "I am worth it to be happy with or without this person in my life. I need to live for me and not for them or anyone else because they are doing it for themselves."

When I went NC with my ex at first she kept calling and calling, until I broke down and asked. She thought she lost me, that's why she kept calling. But you should not worry about what she is thinking. Take it from me, it will mess you up beyond anything you can imagine..

For your sake, stick to the NC. Because I did NOT and I truly wish I did. I am 100x more hurt than before I going NC. So do that for yourself and stick to the NC.

Thanks. I guess what I'm feeling now is devastated and still feel love for her & I miss her so much. I'm sure you know, but can't to seem to keep my mind off her now as hard as I'm trying. I try to get angry even, but that fades immediately. I can seem to stop wondering. I don't know how she can be void of feelings after 5yrs. Like I mentioned, when we were apart we talked 20x a day.

Sorry guys, I feel like I going backwards & saying the same things over & over

Since she is the kind of person that doenst admit making mistakes. She may feel regret, but it is usually fleeting and stays headstrong to prove she is making the right decision regardless. Worries me that she will latch onto the first person she is anamored with or the first person that shows her interest in order to feel sexy or that she can show love to. To have that initial passion when you first date someone.

Since she is the kind of person that doenst admit making mistakes. She may feel regret, but it is usually fleeting and stays headstrong to prove she is making the right decision regardless. Worries me that she will latch onto the first person she is anamored with or the first person that shows her interest in order to feel sexy or that she can show love to. To have that initial passion when you first date someone.

This is all possible. And sometimes people can justify the most horrible actions. I've never understood it myself. But some people have the ability .

You just got to do your best and work on yourself. Trust me I know how tuff it is. But it's what you have to do. If she wanted to be with your she would. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

I guess because I feel so blindsided. She was professing her love right to the last week. But you are absolutely right. Its just hard to see & fathom right now, as you can tell from my posts. Thanks.

When my jealously creeps up, I try to think about all the victims past, present & future (as hard as that is) But I revert to thinking that if & when she finds someone (even if it doesn't last) that she can validate her decision and think "Boy why did I waste my time with me" I feel like Im losing my mind sometimes.

When my jealously creeps up, I try to think about all the victims past, present & future (as hard as that is) But I revert to thinking that if & when she finds someone (even if it doesnt last) that she can validate her decision and think "Boy why did I waste my time with me" I feel like Im losing my mind sometimes.

You can't worry about that crap. I just chalk it up to fate. Learn something from the time with her. If you got something good out of the then it was worth it.

I was at your spot and I messed up and had to start over. What you described is exactly how I feel and its normal... I guess. Lol like what everyone... time should help.

she can validate her decision and think "Boy why did I waste my time with me" I feel like Im losing my mind sometimes.

She will do to another, what she has done to you. Poor guy, he doesn't know yet, so pray for him, and be glad its not you.

I realize that. But fell in hell right now. I am a pretty rational guy and feel this is so beyond my understanding. Not sure I believe in fate, I think more about conscienceness and making decisions rationally.

Thanks, that's a way I've been trying to look at it. She prides herself in making sure everyone knows how successful, loving and what a good person she is. I feel pretty deceived in a way & its not helping to mend my heart right now. I guess it the jealousy of the unknown.

Yeah, lonely&broken, when I called her on how she can say she loved me right to the end, she said " I dont know how the heart works sometimes"
I was floored.

Yeah, lonely&broken, when I called her on how she can say she loved me right to the end, she said " I dont know how the heart works sometimes"
i was floored.

I think that saying just becomes a routine. I always get crap over not saying I love you that much. But at least I have said it I've meant it with everything I am..

Yup, and I truly believed that from her. Makes me feel pretty insecure and blind in not recognizing.

I had photos & love notes from her posted around my place. It helped in times we were apart. I even carried the first note visabally in my wallet that said "I Love you so much, you are amazing, i want you in my life". During our breakup discussions, I was blubbering and said "What am I supposed to do with all of these" She said crying, "I dont know, whatever makes you feel better" I just couldn't believe how cold that was & how much that hurt. (since then, I have put them all away) But still blows my mind of how callous.

Sorry, Im still venting, but on a similar note, a couple days after she dropped the bomb, I had texted her (because I felt so scared to call) that I wanted to talk. Its was too late in the day & she said that she would call me that eve. Got a text that read "I can't talk right now, but want you to know that I am thinking of you & I hope you are getting some support, i know hard hard this is..." I know how easily emails & texts can be misconstrued, but I was so freaking hurt by that. How can she be so cowardly and cold & give advise as I was falling apart. Im sure she didn't want to know how much pain Im feeling, but c'mon, to start to give me advise in getting over it. I keep running this all through my mind...

If you think that is bad.. read my story randomness... (http://fiez-vous-en-moi.blogspot.com/)

Just don't fall into my path because you feel like you do now... please stick to the NC

Sorry, Im still venting, but on a similar note, a couple days after she dropped the bomb, i had texted her (because I felt so scared to call) that I wanted to talk. Its was too late in the day & she said that she would call me that eve. Got a text that read "I can't talk right now, but want you to know that I am thinking of you & I hope you are getting some support, i know hard hard this is..." I know how easily emails & texts can be misconstrued, but I was so freaking hurt by that. How can she be so cowardly and cold & give advise as I was falling apart. Im sure she didnt want to know how much pain Im feeling, but c'mon, to start to give me advise in getting over it. I keep running this all through my mind...

Dude you really really need to throw yourself into something else. Go run until you pass out. Do something to destract yourself from thinking about all of this. Your mind needs a rest.

OMG, just read it & Im in tears & sobbing. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Im so sorry. I, in no way wish to compare, I'm just lost. Please know that.

You I totally know that... I see that some of your situation and feels are very similar to mine... I just posted that so that you can avoid being where I'm at...

And I thank you for that. I truly appreciate your dedication here and reading that, as hard as it is for you to share & me to read, helps. A liar is always a liar, I guess.

She prides herself in making sure everyone knows how successful, loving and what a good person she is. I feel pretty deceived in a way & its not helping to mend my heart right now. i guess it the jealousy of the unknown.

You know it's weird. I read that and I see something I hope you can see. The one with jealousy, and I don't mean temporary until the pain goes away, but real deep down psychological jealousy is your ex. She's so jealous of how good everyone else appears to have it that she's got to make sure everyone knows how successful and great she is. Confident and well adjusted people don't care enough to worry about what others think. Only jealous people go so far out of there way to let others know how successful they are. Success comes from with in and the definition is different for everybody, but to have to constantly shove "success" in the face of everybody else should not be confused with success itself, and it stems from jealousy.

I agree Chuff, Jealous minds will always try and compare to other people. They try to tell everyone their accomplishments and what they are working on rather than being humble.

Thanks guys, she used to get so heated of how other people were rocking it and why I wasn't, and then turn around and praise me. She cut a lot of people out of her life because of competition, in whatever form. And made a point of crying about it to me.

She actually despises people that do the same things she's doing. And puts on a façade and makes believe, and lets people know in one way or another that she is humble, yet rad. And she allowed me to believe that

Thanks guys, she used to get so heated of how other people were rocking it and why I wasnt, and then turn around and praise me. She cut a lot of people out of her life because of competition, in whatever form. And made a point of crying about it to me.

I think this just validates my point.

It does, was just thinking my ex has this friend from high school and they were inseparable. She was the one that traveled to India and elsewhere while she was escaping. They from what she's told ne had some wild times & lived pretty freely. She is now cut that person out of her life with the exception of a casual drink. She always confided in my that her friend was always trying to steal away her boyfriend and how she used her good looks to do that. I guess I believed that too.

She actually despises people that do the same things shes doing. And puts on a facade and makes believe, and lets people know in one way or another that she is humble, yet rad.

She's got deep, deep psychological issues.


And she allowed me to believe that

I bet you knew the truth but emotions tend to cloud that. In my opinion that's where some of the anger comes from after the break up. You are not only mad at the situation, and mad at her for lying, but mad at yourself for knowing some of the things you let go during the relationship and then being upset with yourself for suppressing your own truth detectors. The great part now though is, you don't have to suppress them anymore. Let the truth come forth about her, she's not the angel you made her to be. You don't have to give her the false credit anymore.

When I say boy friend, I mean the person that she wanted or was infatuated with. I guess more compitetion, that she fuels.

It does, was just thinking my ex has this friend from high school and they were inseperable. She was the one that traveled to India and elsewhere while she was escaping. They from what shes told ne had some wild times & lived pretty freely. She is now cut that person out of her life with the exception of a a casual drink. She always confided in my that her friend was always trying to steal away her boyfriend and how she used her good looks to do that. I guess I believed that too.

That's is success through elimination... which is not success. It's quite pathetic actually.

You are absolutely right. I am starting to put those pieces together, thanks,

I guess that's exactly what I did, help validate her wrongdoings with the illusion that I was a supportive boyfriend. Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

I guess that stems from her parents writing her off emotionally for a really long time now. Now she's doing the same.

Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

Are you kidding. You are seeing this now. She never will. Who's unadjusted here? It's not you. She's going to live her whole life that way, because she has read the books but never applied them. It's all a cover for her, so she can say, "I had a bad childhood but I've come so far, everybody must think I'm so great for overcoming so much, none of you could ever do it and if you could I don't want to talk to you." I just summed her up her entire life in one sentence and she's lived a lifetime and couldn't give you one sentence about it if you asked her.

You are exactly talking about her. Ive been writing notes on index cards as I do when Im developing creative concepts in my work, and just wrote "She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not. Thats why you must be eliminated"

I guess for her, If I get any closer, I may really find out...

"She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not.

Have you ever thought how true that might be. She knows how screwed up her life is and no matter what happened she couldn't screw yours up. At some point maybe she got scared that you were to good for her, and in an effort to stop you from hurting her like everybody before you did she did the only thing she could and acted the way she always does. She got rid of the one person who was better then her at a relationship and at love.

Yup exactly. Thanks. Was just thinking about this guy, a successful photographer that she dated right before me. They didn't hang long but booty calls & such. That didn't last very long, weeks maybe. She siad on e night she was at some industry thing, & he wouldn't giver the time of day.
I was always jealous of their time and I was forced to hang with him sometimes as we had mutual friends. She always respected him and probably still does. Wow.

So he doesn't care about her and she respects him. Deep, deep, psychological issues. I hope you are starting to see how much better you life is going to be, and the best part is she is the one that gave you the gift of clarity... even if it's not clear to you yet.

I am, was taking out the garbage & thought:

"Believe in what YOU want, NOT in what she made you believe you want, LIKE HER"

How ironic that thought came when you were taking out the garbage.

Nice one.

Thanks to everyone today. I feel like Ive had some awakening. The jealousy I was so concerned about today, has sad to say, turned to disgust in a way. I will try to wake up not feeling like I am reverting all of the time. Helps me validate that NC is critical. Cheers.

One thing that Im am going to think about when I wake up is:
She adores the TV show Survivor and that was the only hour a week that was hands off, no talk or calls, only during breaks. I have watched Jeopardy for most of my life, mainly cause I enjoy feeding my brain regardless and was a great distraction after work. She would always rib me and say "You looooooovvvvee that show" Condesending me. I guess I mirror these pleasures not as Survivor vs. Jeopardy, but Lying vs. Smarts. Many times in conversation about whatever, she would say " Im smart, you know, Im no dummy!" and get defensive.

I re-deciphered that final text. Forgive my rambling.

"Hi, not sure if you are working"

T: I hope he's not doing better than me, even with his pain. I want to make sure.

"Ill be at home tonight"

T: I know that I won't have anything lined up tonight, and I don't want to feel weak and lonely.

"and would like to say hi"

T: I want to draw you back in, at least for tonight.

"Can I call you"

T: I want him to think Im being timid and afraid, that will surely work...

Just wanted to give a bit of background and how this all came to be. I guess in my original post I didn't give that much detail. I know Im making progress, let me know if Im going overboard in my posts

I am an Art Director and moved to a new city & one of the first gigs I had was teaming up with this guy that became my friend. We had hit it off & I felt that I was truly making progress and validated moving. We would hang out all the time.

My ex is a wardrobe stylist, and worked with him on occasion. That's how I met her. He was going on vacation one time, and I took over this creative. An account that both she and he worked on previously. In doing so, I completed the hard part and met with her and others to plan. When he returned, he took it over, directed it and showed everyone that he was in charge. I was was super mad. We continued to hang out, but superficially. He eventually left and went back to school. In which time he, became more superior unavailable and degraded everyone including my close friends when we spent time. So I, kind of wrote him off for my sake and distanced myself from him. After he left, I hired my ex on a few occasions and hit it off. I liked her & wanted ask her out & I did. Our first date was great (even though she has referred to it later as "I thought is was a pre-pro meeting") We had fun, went out & stayed up late making out on the couch until morning, no sex though.

As things started getting serious, I found out that my friend's fiancé at the time (he married her, had a baby & moved away) always thought that he was sleeping with my ex. I shrugged it off cause that I was involved & excited and things were going great, I guess in my mind that was in the past if so. In fact he was the first person I told that I was dating her and falling for her. I remember him saying "Im so happy for you, you guys make an amazing couple, if I didnt love my girl so much, i would want someone like her"

Im sure you know where this is going..

This always kind of wore on me. One night a year or so later, my ex & I were out & discussing my discarded friendship with him & I flat out asked her if she slept with him. I was surprised & shocked she said yes, and even told me. Needless to say our night was crap, I slept on the couch on my own volition and my trip to visit her was negated for the last few days. I forgave her and I still remember soon after how mad she was that I chose to cut this so-called friend out & how he was a good friend to me. I feel now that I am attracting those people for some reason & felling insecure and stupid.

NC man.. stick to it... and block the text

Do you know how to on an Iphone? Im sure it can block.

I think there is an app called iblacklist

I feel now that I am attracting those people for some reason & felling insecure and stupid.

It sounds like you might have a hero or provider complex or both. She had a bad childhood (so she says) and you are solid, mature, established, and can provide her with all that she never had before, not only becoming her lover but also a hero or provider to her, which you perceive to mean she will then love you more for because you give her more then anybody else ever would. The problem with this is you are not getting back what you are giving.

Thanks. I woke after a restless sleep and a bad nightmare about her & what has been wearing on me re: answers & why now? etc..

A couple weeks ago she went to California for a self-help conference & told me she probably wouldn't much during it until later as she would need to decompress.

After it was over, she drove up to L.A. to meet with an agent and see some friends. Still never really told me any details. She did mentioned in a really casual way that she met tis guy there that lives in L.A. & was planning on meeting up with him one night. I obviously felt a little jealous, but gave trust as usual. That night she texted me late & said that she is having fun & may be out late & probably wouldn't call before she goes to bed (something she did every night when we weer away) I didn't hear from her until the next morning when all she asked for was for me to check her in to her flights. When she got back home and the week right before she dumped me, was distant, cold and short (the only thing she revealed about her trip was the great meeting she had with the agent, a total ego boost) I had this sneaking suspicion that she cheated & even confronted her & why she never told about her trip.

I think she did this, whether she had already made up her mind to dump me or this pushed her over the edge to do so. This I see now not only justified dumping me, got her off the hook as a cheater, and that's why she did this over the phone. So she would have to look me in the face. Now no one can ever find out now & she's scott free. Ahhhhhh! I may be way off mark or paranoid here, but that is starting to make sense. I feel sick to my stomach and so messed up.

Thanks. I woke after a restless sleep and a bad nightmare about her & what has been wearing on me re: answers & why now?, etc..

A couple weeks ago she went to California for a self-help conference & told me she probably wouldnt much during it til later as she would need to decompress.

After it was over, she drove up to L.A. to meet with an agent and see some friends. Still never really told me any details. She did mentioned in a really casual way that she met tis guy there that lives in L.A. & was planning on meeting up with him one night. I obviously felt a little jealous, but gave trust as usual. That night she texted me late & said that she is having fun & may be out late & probably wouldnt call before she goes to bed (something she did every night when we weer away) I didnt hear from her until the next morning when all she asked for was for me to check her in to her flights. When she got back home and the week right before she dumped me, was distant, cold and short (the only thing she revealed about her trip was the great meeting she had with the agent, a total ego boost) i had this sneaking suspicion that she cheated & even confronted her & why she never told about her trip.

I think she did this, whether she had already made up her mind to dump me or this pushed her over the edge to do so. This i see now not only justified dumping me, got her off the hook as a cheater, and thats why she did this over the phone. so she would have to look me in the face. Now no one can ever find out now & she's scott free. Ahhhhhh! I may be way off mark or paranoid here, but that is starting to make sense. i feel sick to my stomach and so messed up.

She won't get off scott free. Karma will get her sooner or later. You just can't treat people that way and it not smack you in face. It'll happen you just probably won't be around to see it. Nor should you

I know, but now Im really hurting and feel right back to the beginning. I feel so sick right now. I really feel like calling her on it.

Before that night in L.A. she texted me that she would be meeting an actress girlfriend in the morning :) But nothing as to her evening. She ing planned this... ALL OF IT!!

She was planning to move to L.A. and now she has figured out a way to do it! And have a little taste of what it can be like there... I feel so twisted up now with emotions.

Now I know why she was too busy to check in to her flights. She was having one last morning shag!!

my X of 8 years did the same thing... when we broke up she bounced to another guy and was sleeping with him in less than 2 months. I had nightmares for 2 or 3 days after I found out. Dreams about faceless girls that I was dating and she went to a bathroom and 45 mintues later I went in the bathroom and she was having sex. Then I woke up. Had 2 or 3 bad dreams in a row.

I was the one who broke up with her out of unhappiness, but then after finding out she was with this dude it messed with my head, etc.. Also caught her cheating but we were on the rocks. After a big 5+ year relationship I felt like she needed to re-establish her self esteem and pleasing a new guy was her way of doing it. He gave her everything I can't give her (money, courside tickets to the NBA finals, trips to the bahamas next month) etc. I know why she is with him, but she doesn't. She thinks she is happy. But like others said, Karma will come around full circle.

The thing is.. I want to forget her before the karma comes.. Its hard brother, you have so much stuff that's got no real closure and its left you feeling betrayed and untrusting. You just need to heal, NC, try and forget her. After my 8 year relationship, I can say I still think about that chick everyday, even after she cheated on me and treated me like crap. I am not even thinking about her in a good way, just thinking about her.. just hurt. You just need to find other things to do! Other friends to see, gym, music, whatever... its tough, I wish you the best of luck!


Oh yah I forgot, my X-GF has NPD in my eyes, I already posted on your thread and mentioned it. Status, success, money, dillusions of who she is... (shes 30 and lives at home with her mommy, only had a 40 hr job 1 year in her 30 year life, yet she thinks she is really successful and driven). Never appologizes during any of our fights in 8 years. Blames me for being with this 46 year old ugly guy. Denies any wrong doing, thinks he is 10x better than me, wants to live in NY, no LA, no chicago, no here.

Look up NPD on Google. You will see that with a narcisist you can never please them and no matter what you did it wouldn't work.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : How to Recognize a Narcissist (http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/)

Thanks. This is my worst fears realized and right now Im shaking like a leaf writing that..

I went through the same thing, knowing my ex was doing the dirty with some other dude... I know it is hard man. Nothing else I can say other than it sucks, but you will survive.

Thanks. This is my worst fears realized and right now Im shaking like a leaf writing that..

It's OK to feel like that man. I can understand 100% where you are combing from.

I saw an away message of my exes friend saying "bri bri's getting laid tonight! You go girl" so I know the pain you are going through

i saw an away message of my exes friend saying "bri bri's getting laid tonight! You go girl" so i know the pain you are going through

Wow ouch...

I am blown away of how evil, and calculating she is. Knew exactly how to do it. She wants to be on top, get to L.A. and was frustrated that wasn't happening. She finally figured out a way to do it, get rid of me, and plan an escape rout in the process. How perfect...

But really do you want to be with someone like that. It sounds like to me it's always about her always been about her.. She doesn't care who or how she hurts someone. She's just looking to get ahead.

I think your so much better off without a user like that.

Thanks, Ive been reading up that. Its very sick & twisted.

Thanks, L&B, this I already know. Those feelings are gone now. Im just left feeling the pain of betrayal, and the manner of which she did all of this, for herself. Not a great feeling at all. I feel like I make one stride, for a couple hours. But this realization about this trip & such, just seemed to set me back.

I guess that's why she told me that she hopes someday, she can truly tell my why she's doing this... again so I will never find out that she cheated, a perfect plan. Nice one.

I feel like, now that she gotten an ego boost, attracted a strange shag, and figured out a way to dump me, she feels like she can really now keep her eyes on the prize with confidence...

Dude.. you're going down my path.. you are so worried about what is going on with her... just like me right now.. I know its hard.. but we need to focus on other things...

Guys, in a few months you will not care at all about your ex, trust me. Just take our word for it, this will get better.

dude.. you're going down my path.. you are so worried about what is going on with her... just like me right now.. i know its hard.. but we need to focus on other things...

YES!! I'm so glad that you are starting to see what needs to be done. You need to worry about yourself. Trust me I know how hard it is when your hurting so bad. And it will take time. But you got to do this for yourself.

And thanks, I am going to. Right now Im devastated. The good thing at least is that Im starting to get pissed. A feeling I couldn't muster up before.

I am blown away of how evil, and calculating she is. knew exactly how to do it. she wants to be on top, get to L.A. and was frustrated that wasnt happening. She finally figured out a way to do it, get rid of me, and plan an escape rout in the process. how perfect...

I never and I mean never am amazed at how women evil are anymore. That's not a anti-woman thing, but I was always raised to be sensitive to them and their feelings, when the reality is much different.

I know you are hurting but I see a lot of talk about her. You know what I'd like you to do. Write something on this website that you want to do today for you. Doesn't have to be big, cleaning the house, cooking something for dinner, going for a walk... what ever you want to do for you. Then after you told us want to do for yourself today, I want you to go do it.

I was raised the same way, to treat others with respect. That's why it was so easy for to feed off that and use me. I hope that I don't become so damaged & jaded that I can't give to anyone, like the way she is...

I was raised the same way, to treat others with respect. Thats why it was so easy for to feed off of that and use me. I hope that I dont become so damaged & jaded that i can't give to anyone, like the way she is...

The pain your in is how she always felt and always will. Take comfort in that.

Well, chuff at this moment I am throwing all her stuff away, and the wardrobe I bought her cause she always complained how she never felt at home here. I will try to offer up some positive posts...

Well, chuff at this moment i am throwing all her stuff away, and the wardrobe i bought her cause she always complained how she never felt at home here. i will try to offer up some positive posts...

Well this is a start and I encourage it, it is still related to her. What I want to know is, what is Vanheart going to do for Vanheart it is exclusive to him. What are you going to give yourself today?

I will try & figure that out. Right now Im reading up a bit on narcissism and starting realize its totally the disorder & in a way, that's helping. Yesterday, I took a walk on the beach, & got my tennis racquets restrung.
I had a bit of a setback today, but I will try. Have a couple projects going, but have been too paralyzed to work. I'm going to force myself to do that.

i took a walk on the beach, & got my tennis racquets restrung.



There you go. That was the sort of thing I was looking for.

Don't stop posting here, get everything you got out, but at the same time don't lose focus on the fact that you are the one we want to see get better here. When you feel alone you can know you are not. But you also need to start building a foundation that is based on you. I'm not asking you to change your life, just do something small for you. At the end of the day this is not her journey to a better place it's yours. I don't want you to forget it or lose sight of it.

I know that & thanks. I'm sure I will be continuing to post in the days/weeks to come.

I know that & thanks. im sure i will be continuing to post in the days/weeks to come.

I came here 3 years ago over something so stupid with a girl and I've been here ever since. AMHD.com has out lasted 2 girlfriends and a few dates with girls here and there. It's both an addiction and a strength builder in one.

I realize that. & am grateful for finding this. Im sure there will more to come & its really been a savior so far. Not sure what I would have done.

Yep, your life is looking better all ready. You gained me!!

And me


::Waves::

Same here.

Van, why did you forget Rome. You know how sensitive he gets.

Hehehe, I was saying that to everyone...

Felt a bit better last night, put all of my notes and advice in a stack made a list for today & tried to give my mind a rest. Woke up super early again by a nightmare about her followed by some more bad dreams after that and then an anxiety attack. I know it sounds dumb, but I still miss her and feel so hurt. My mornings seem to bring the most despair. This will be my 9th day of no contact & can't help feeling like yesterday's news..

Dude there were mornings I almost had to vomit when I woke up, especially after I found out she was dating another guy. Mornings and nights sucked... keep it together, I know it's hard.

Yup, that's me right now.

We had a bunch of plans this summer out here. 2 weddings (her friends) and other events. Now, I feel totally excluded and her reasons for traveling here are no longer about me. She can still feel excited about coming here.
I hate the fact that this pain keeps emerging & it seems as soon as I start to make strides, I seem to experience the pain all over again.

Look how I turn this around and make it a positive.


We had a bunch of plans this summer out here. 2 weddings (her friends) and other events.

Great, now you don't have to buy gifts for somebody you didn't know. Nor will you have to sit in a hot church for hours thinking to yourself, "can we hurry this up, already."


Now, I feel totally excluded and her reasons for traveling here are no longer about me.

She gets to deal with them alone and you are free to do what I want.


She can still feel excited about coming here.

Because when she gets here there will be reminders of me everywhere and karma will catch up to her then.


I hate the fact that this pain keeps emerging & it seems as soon as i start to make strides, I seem to experience the pain all over again.

Awesome, you are normal functioning human being capable of love and even though she is void of that concept your brain is doing what it was designed to do, not only protecting your feelings but using this time to make strides which you recognize and that is coming with some occasional pain that will lead to a stronger you. This break up has provide me with so much already, I've found a great website and learned a just how tough I am which will not help me now but for the rest of my life.

Any negative you can give, I can and will find a positive in it. I'm not doing anything special, just being using the same thing you are and looking at it differently. Any negative you have, search yourself and your brain will give you the positive in it.

Thanks Chuff, I appreciate that. I try to really stop thinking about everything, but it seems there's a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.

Thanks Chuff, I appreciate that. I try to really stop thinking about everything, but it seems theres a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.

The reminders will be there, the thoughts will be there, it's what you make of them that counts.

That's true. Im feeling pretty low today, almost numb and empty

Thats true. Im feeling pretty low today, almost numb and empty

You appreciate that your brain recognizes the emptiness and the range of emotions that it offers you, now you will do something for yourself.

Negative into positive.

Thanks. I'm trying.

Thanks. im trying.

Which is better then you were a week ago, so you've already improved.

Negative into positive.

I guess so, just doesn't feel that way.

Little by little you get better, it's not waking up one day and everything is cured, it's a process. It's like a detox from a drug, gets easier with each passing day, even though you feel you haven't made progress, you do

... a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.
... nightmare ... bad dreams ... anxiety attack. ...cant help feeling like yesterday's news..

Van,

I posted my opinion early on, and have casually but keenly followed your conversation. You have been getting some really good advice and amazing support, and because of that, I had nothing to say until now.

You have been facing reality and dealing with it as well as one could expect. But, it occurs to me that you have two directions you can take now, both of which will relieve you of some of the pain, maybe all of the pain, you have been experiencing. It's worth looking at the openings you will create for yourself by exploring these options.

In simplistic terms, the two directions are in and out. I believe that you have been stuck in between them, turning within yourself, trying to break free, but struggling because you haven't gone far enough in either direction.

"Out" means getting out of yourself, expanding into new, positive actions, attitudes, and interests, going beyond the old you, learning from this experience and moving on... in general, taking a healthy, productive stance that gets you to drop your attachment to her and get about your life. All good.

"In" means—and this is what I believe will be new—going into the depths of your mind at levels that have nothing to do with her, or anybody else for that matter, but instead reveal your own inner reality to you in ways that you can use to grow with respect to the whole of your life, engaging this experience as a catalyst for self-discovery and self-understanding, following the trails left by your dreams and anxiety attacks, becoming an explorer of your psyche and discovering long-standing blocks in your heart and mind, maybe dismantling a block or two, but mostly just knowing who you are deep down. Maybe it won't be obvious at first glance, but this direction is all good, too.

Moving your attention and emotional commitment in either direction will get you out of yourself (your day-to-day self) enough to free you from obsessing any more about this relationship. You can lose yourself, even forget that you exist as a separate entity, in something bigger than you (Out) and in the smallest, most tender parts of your mind. (In. Note that small doesn't mean "weak.") The inward focus will make you aware of things you either took for granted or didn't know existed in you and having new choices as to how you express them. Either way, you win.

Does that make any sense?

Tao

Deep down I believe that, right now minutes feel like days. As much as everyone has helped here & the research Ive found about her personality, I still feel pretty broken.

Yes, tao. It does and I have been obsessing due to the shock which I guess I know is more about her & why/how. If you can offer up any methods to help, I would appreciate it. I really don't want to be in pain anymore and am frustrated with myself for reverting when new insecurities arise.

i still feel pretty broken.

What part of you, specifically, is broken? This might seem like it should be obvious, but ask yourself the question, please.

I think that being proactive with your healing, by making a plan of ACTION, that allows you to replace the old memories, and feelings, with new ones, is the best way to go. It's the doing for yourself, that heals, and makes the time go by faster.

Have you read the stickies at the beginning of this forum? They are a must read, with some excellent suggestions, and insights, you can use.

They also will let you know, you are not alone in your situation, and this can be dealt with, and make you a stronger, better, more aware person.

Above all, be patient with yourself and let the shock of the break up wear off. It will.

I guess if I had to pinpoint this it would be confidence, esteem, focus. Forcing emotions that I don't wish to possess like jealousy and insecurity. I suppose this all stems from the shock & lack to closure at this stage as well as the deceit.

I have read them Tal, & I completely agree & have made small steps. I know that I will get stronger. I guess time and effort will do that. Sometimes the hurt sets me back.

I got set back a lot! I was on my way to full recovery, was at the gym everyday, then 2 months into my NC, when I thought I was fine. My ex texted me "just heard you're moving to California, wanted to wish you good luck and maybe I'll come visit you!"

Set me back for a little, but I still keep trucking along

I do recognize and due to my personality that I analyze. I do also understand that this right now is not about wondering, fixing this, getting answers. That's directed towards this and her, not really me. What's frustrating is that my understanding of that hasn't been enough for me yet to make that transition. I still feel heartbroken.

Rome, its hard to fathom those motives and callousness. Hopefully after 2mo. It didn't hurt as much.

Nah, a minor set back, but I had already seen that my life was better without her in it

A quote that I liked a lot

"And even on my worst day, I'll still be better off without you"

That's a good one, thanks.

...when new insecurities arise.

Our posts are "bumping into each other," so we are a little out of synch. I can't type fast enough to keep up with y'all!

My advice is not to analyze and apply logic. All the logical input you have been getting, while reasonable and healthy and sincere, can't touch the part of you that is enmeshed in suffering right now. That part is not logical.

My advice is to follow the feeling of insecurity inward, and let your unconscious mind reveal to you where it originates. You can do this by listening to your inner self, sensing the insecurity and relaxing everything around it, getting quiet and sensing a little deeper in your body, breathing to go deeper, relaxing some more, listening a little more deeply, breathing a little lower, getting more quiet, etc. until you can have direct contact with the part of you that feels insecure. It's not a very active process, but more like doing less and less while following a subtle trail.

The model I am proposing presumes that one's mind can be considered a community of parts, sub-personas that carry out essential functions and who work on behalf of the whole person (you). If you need, I can describe this model more, but the point is that you can address the part of yourself that is suffering and be your own catalyst for healing in the same way that the people here have been catalysts for you: through dialog.

But you can do what we can't: access your inner mind. You can establish a conversation with the part of you that feels broken. Not all of you feels broken, just a part, and the rest of you can be resources that nourish, protect, guide, and generally help heal that part. This will happen sooner or later inn the natural healing process, and through some inner listening and sensing (and asking good questions) you can make it sooner.

The procedure I'm pointing to is called reframing, and the system it comes from is NLP. (neurolinguistic programming) I can walk you through the reframing process, and the web is full of NLP data. Knock yourself out. There's a whole world to get into. (Note to other posters: you might enjoy some of the NLP stuff. It can prove very useful.)

So, the first step is to do a meditative sort of thing, to sit down and get quiet, and see if you can get a dialog going with yourself that can become dialog with a specific part of you. It doesn't have to be That part of you, just any part so you can experience talking with yourself without concluding that you are crazy.

When you get this going, it will seem like you are imagining the whole thing. On one level, you are. But from the perspective of that level, you (and the rest of humanity) are imagining all of the reality that we live in. Just go with it and talk with the parts of your mind that are inclined to talk with you. (BTW, everybody does this, just unconsciously most of the time)

The key moment is when you feel comfortable enough to ask, "Would the part of me that males me feel insecure be willing to communicate with me in consciousness?" and to just sit there and listen. You will get a verbal, visual, or kinesthetic (physical: either sensory, like a tightening of a muscle, or emotional, like a rush of euphoria) response. You might get no response that you can discern, and that in itself is a response. You might get a positive or negative message. (The first time I did this process—circa 1974—I asked the question and heard a loud voice in my head that said "F**k you! You haven't spoken to me since you were six years old. Why should I talk with you now?"

I apologized and slowly got a dialog going with that part of my mind. The task was to get him to know that I was no linger six, and that the trauma that caused me to create him was long gone. I didn't (HE didn't) have to do what he had been doing since that trauma occurred. It was like updating software.

Your task, if you so choose, is to become an ally and resource to the part of you that feels insecure, anxious, and not ready to stop suffering. This is bigger than the relationship recently lost. This is about how you shaped yourself as you were growing up. Be that part's greatest friend.

'Nuff for now.

Tao

"And even on my worst day, I'll still be better off without you"

Hit the "enter" button by accident on the rating. I meant to say, "that's a great quote."

I know that I will get stronger. I guess time and effort will do that. Sometimes the hurt sets me back.

I lift weights and building muscle is small steps but gets stronger the more you keep doing it. Sometimes I come home from the gym and I'm hurting as well. But it's not a set back, it's part of the process for growth and strength.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

My mom sat me down and had me watch the The Secret. For those of you who don't know, it's an interview-type movie where people tell you how they got what they wanted because they kept thinking positive, had faith, and were patient (just like NC!); they essentially prayed for it;"the secret is a universal truth". It's not a secret and it bothers me that this clown Rhonda Byrne is making money capitalizing off people's emotions. Anyone will tell you that if you believe in yourself and have true faith, good things will happen, in least in my experience. True faith isn't a secret, it's just something everyone takes for granted.

I mention this because faith is the core to NC. Self-loathing and false-hope won't help, you need to realize this.

Just hang in there. The best way to get over someone is posting on this message board. Give other people advice so you to sort out your own emotions, it's how I made sense of my last two break-ups.

So yeah, maybe you should see The Secret, it'll at least give you something to go on.

"until you can have direct contact with the part of you that feels insecure."

Thanks tao, that's a lot to soak in, but I'm understanding what you mean by inward.

Slapshot, that's interesting you say that, I just chucked any and all materials I had re: The Secret. My ex got me into it. It hurt too much having that around especially given what transpired the week before she dumped me, I have always had many of those or similar core beliefs and never had to study as hard as she to practice them. I think she resented that and given the manner in which she did this...

taoplr, just wanted to say that your post re: NLP has truly resonated with me, although hard to grasp at first. Did a little searching about the core and outcomes/methods and am now asking myself some serious questions. The first one which helps me with restlessness and anxiety, especially when I wake up is: What am I afraid of exactly? I have jotted down probably 20 questions and am answering in my head. I will post them when I have my responses. Gee, thanks! That helping very much.

hey, just got home from a bbq with some really good friends. Was a nice time. I started to deteriorate, and started thinking about her what she's doing etc.. Went from jealously to anger then feeling so incredibly degraded and used. Can't seem to get it out of head out calculating and evil this all came down. She has been studying my weaknesses & chose exactly the worst way to make me hurt. I feel so devalued almost beyond comprehension, even though I know its her disorder. Hard to really grasp how someone can be like that. I just keep feeling like she is laughing all the way through this, and has lined up someone to take my place of 5 years for her personal fancy, however long. Im going to write those posts I promised answering my inner questions, but right now I feel like Im going to lose myself. She really knew how to do it, never felt this way before. Been running through my head our few short breakup conversations and the lying & deception of every word, through crocodile tears is coming to the surface. Im not even angry, don't even know how to describe my emotion. I guess it's the sudden pain of being stepped on by a narcissist.

I feel like, for her,whether we lost contact or not didn't matter she knew how to keep me hurting in a clever way. In fact, this works her plan even more effectively than having to lie over the phone, and run the risk of me going up against her. So hard to believe. Sucky & devastating.

In doing this exercise, from an outward and objective level, I have, in the question, included recounts in context of our relationship and breakup.

Thanks taoplr for turning me on...

Im hoping this will help my bad dreams & anxiety and my struggles between being lucid at times then suddenly helpless. Here goes:

I pinpointed & asked myself this simple question: Why am I afraid, exactly?

Q: Why am I afraid of losing her? (Thats almost a non-question)
A: You already have, you know that, in fact she lost you. You haven't lost anything but time, what you will gain will prove to be invaluable.

(Remember how she rarely gave back, and how she screwed you around so evily?)


Q: Why am I afraid of her being with someone better?
A: What is better? Better for her? Even if she is with or is searching for her ultimate, ideal man and attains that, its actually in a way meaningless, it's a trophy for her. Any well-adjusted man will most likely recognize that & see her coming a mile away. If not, she will find a way to discard that & move on to the next catch, or he will bail. That is no concequence to you. Nor should you let let enter your head. If they stay for any period, they will end up like me. If anything, you should be afraid for her next victim. Scratch that, why should you even care?

(Remember how she would say "I want us to be a hot couple" or "I want a bf to be this or that" Never in context of me, only what her "ideal" was.
Sick stuff.)


Q: Why I am I afraid that she will flaunt her new catch to me & everyone else?
A: She certainly will, to the people that matter to HER (which isn't really anyone, not even you at this point, she hiding her secret for now). You may never see. Stick to NC forever & you have nothing to worry about. Remember you don't really matter to her anymore, she's washed her hands and has found a new victim. Not even worth those thoughts.

(Remember how jealous she was of nice couples, even friends that had what she didn't? Would always comment on how stylish or rad some complete stranger was, her obsession with tabloids and "beautiful" people. Her frustration with her body & appearance even though nothing was wrong. But had no problem revealing everyone's flaws.)


Q: Why I am I afraid that her new boyfriend will be doing the special things we did?
A: They were never truly special to her, only you. And she surely will, she is a creature of habit in denial. BTW what do you care? Those places etc.. Are cool memories regardless of her, you always had and will have special times with or without her. Do what you enjoy & find special new times.

(Remember how she always found a way in fun times to about work, someone or something, only to turn it back around like it was my fault, she wasn't having fun. You walked on eggshells many times and went to sleep hurt many times wondering why.. )


Q: Why am I am afraid she is justifying her decision to friends & family & slamming me in the process?
A: She is. She's an exerienced liar, to protect herself. She can never make a wrong move. But again to no consequence to you. You know that now, and the friends & family that love you truly do, and always have.

(Remember how she would go on about all of the people she discarded & convince regret at the same time? Bfs, friends, family, many of which she had little contact with at all. In fact, some she still, in contradiction hangs out with. They threatened her & had to go.)


Q: Why am I afraid of her trying to contact me to hurt or suck me back in. (ie: try & get her belongings back)
A: Her belongings are way gone, in a landfill by now. If you practice NC, you have nothing to worry about. You may never see her again & be happy for that. Ewww.

(Remember how she always made a point of making you feel like she loved her place, yet discarded & paired things down to the point of zero sentiment, but couldn't feel at home at yours?)


Q: Why Im I afraid that I will be lonely with no intimacy?
A: You were for the most part lonely WITH her. She exhibited distance regardless of our respective cities. You have had great intimacy in the past. You will certainly again, don't force it, get your act together first.

(Remember the times when you felt like a guest or she made you feel like was doing you favor by being here after a bit of time went by? I was excited, she put on an act. Oh, there's also the sex that made you feel like it was obligitory at times or rushed, as she complained how "we need to spice things up" even though I always was initiating, willing & passionate.)

Q: I am afraid that this healing will take a long time.
A: That's up to you. You are on your way. You have an amazing support group here and with your close friends.

(Think of it as a race to heal yourself. You are already making great strides. Keep it up!)

Q: I am afraid that I am not as "good' a person that i think I am or others do.
A: Thats crazy talk. you have some amazing friends & others. Plus you exhibit that in all that you do.

(BTW, Have you done anything bad, vindictive or mean here? No.)


Q: Why am I afraid that she has forgotten all about me & could care less?
A: Caring doesnt exist in her vocabulary unless it serves her. So she probably doesnt really. She will remember when it serves her to make her feel like she has true feelings, or to draw you in, but thats the extent of it. Would finding out help you in healing anyway? No.

(Sometimes I would get pissed that she wouldnt remember special things I cherished with us even after a short period. She always shrugged it off. It only served her in a fleeting way.)


Q: I am afraid that I am too old to find someone else.
A: You are as young as you feel, and work on being healthy inside & out. Plus anyone regardless of age, that is well adjusted, will look inside and see you & disregard those superficial notions.

(How many countless people have been shocked when you have revealed that you are 45? They could care less, including your younger friends.)

Q: I am afraid that I may fall in love too fast.
A: You need to discover what "falling" in love really means in context of true love. Not infatuation, necessity or to aleave loneliness. In order to even to discern that notion used so freely, you have to heal and truly find out who you are & what you are to yourself and that other potential person.

(Maybe you confuse true love with other emotions... Think about that.)


Q: I am afraid that I am insecure and disguise that by giving, I will be taken advantage again.
A: Well, not by her anyway.

(I think this may be the subject of my next series of questions... )


Whoa, that felt amazing. Thanks for listening. Want to wake up feeling empowered now. I can see this exercise offering guidance in everything big or small. I pray my thoughts of her & the torture its causing will fade sooner than later. Do you think I should try & get her back? Hehehe?

That was incrediable. That is something every person should do after a break up, and maybe just a various times in their lives. You tackled emotions head on. As I read the questions, I was even asking myself the same things. The question you asked about being alone and then answered it that you were alone when you were with her spoke volumes to some of the relationships I have tolerated but never actually been in, since I was giving constantly and they were taking.

In doing this exercise, from an outward and objective level, I have, in the question, included recounts in context of our relationship and breakup.

Thanks taoplr for turning me on....

Q &A

Whoa, that felt amazing. Thanks for listening. Wanna wake up feeling empowered now. I can see this exercise offering guidance in everything big or small. I pray my thoughts of her & the torture its causing will fade sooner than later. Do you think I should try & get her back? Hehehe?

Later today, I'll address taking this exercise deeper... some psychological housekeeping... have your mental floss ready. For now, a hint: What happens when you change all your "Why" questions to "What" as in "What do I get from doing this?"

Tao

I will look forward to it, tal. Thank you.

I meant taoplr, sorry. No disrespect...

i meant taoplr, sorry. no disrespect....

Next you'll be forgetting what I look like... Then what?

Not offense taken. BTW, I couldn't get to the computer until now and I won't able to finish the next installment until later. But I'll get it done asap.

Meanwhile, try the same exercise asking "What" questions instead of "why," as in "What do I get from (Feeling this, doing that, worrying, imagining her being with another guy, etc.)?" "What stops me from ________." "What might happen if I _________?" "What part of me causes me to _______?"

Get creative.

That will bring up a different information set. Enjoy the ride.

Tao

Thanks no worries, that gives me a lot to think about. Putting the question in context to the future in a positive light (action oriented) Im pretty bagged only slept 3hrs. Last night. Will come back with something when I can gather my thoughts, If you have time expanding upon that in the meantime, I would certainly welcome any thoughts. Thanks... Wait, you just did.

... Putting the question in context to the future in a positive light (action oriented) ...expanding upon that ....

The next step is to take the process a little deeper. First, let's repeat the premises of the model, and acknowledge what you have done so far.

You successfully created a state of mind in which you communicated with yourself in a way that enabled you to ask some useful questions and make some declarations. You made the courageous choice to pursue your fear, and got answers. It can be said that two or more parts of your mind communicated with each other, and that each has a perspective, an opinion, and even a personality. Based on that, the model presupposes that you, and all of us, can be seen as communities of parts, rather than single, congruent selves. Seeing ourselves this way makes accss to our own unconscious minds possible at levels and in ways that make changing and growing easier and more reliable than most approaches, most notably logic and reason.

You have found that out.

Each of these parts has a job, a function, and is created for and dedicated to its function. Think of them as having been created in childhood, either because of genetic instructions, or modeling the people around us, or because we create them. Some of them are dumb and simple—I call them "brain bots"—and jut runsimple routines, others are very smart and complex and handle Big Item strategies within us, like how we make a living, or what kind of lover we are. Smart or dumb, they operate like software, faithfully doing what they are created to do until given a reason to stop.

And I'm going to stop here because I'm testing using Dreamweaver to compose my text. I find it hard to write into the window on AMHD's site, and want to see if I can copy and paste from my desktop. I'll be back.

Tao

Tao,
I totally get it & for the first time I am getting the sense of being free. The child reference really helped me understand the notion of conditioning and what you meant by "floating above" yourself. Being in touch with those "brain-bots" and as you mentioned & actually being the "user" of that software. Learning to get the system running efficiently again & almost recognizing that that system is always there & running for you. Thanks so much. I will be thinking about this.

Honestly, Tao is amazing. I've been thinking about aspects of my life not even related to relationships and doing exactly what you did here by writing them down just like you did. I live by the belief, "I will take something good from this." and I hope you are getting that, even though the emotions are raw. I hope you are getting the feeling something good and I dare say better will come from this experience. They say that that does not kill you makes your stronger, and I think we've seen that today.

Its funny that you just wrote that, chuff, As I was ready to call it a night, I was feeling guilty that the thoughts of ultimate revenge were creeping up and made me feel out of touch, in a way. So unlike my nature. Then recalled your post about turning my frustrated & confused rant around. Then thought, this feeling is one of my last negative feelings and will be easy to discard. As it has been challenging to remove her out of all the context, I wrote a note to myself before: "This is the only favor that she has ever has ever really done for you" And for that I am grateful & I will be empowered for that in truly grateful & positive way. It will only be realized in how I use that gift. Thanks man. And yes, both you & tao rock.

"This is the only favor that she has ever has ever really done for you" And for that I am grateful & i will be empowered for that in truly grateful & positive way.

OK. That worked. Good. And thanks to you both for your kind comments.

Communicating with one's parts of mind is like diplomacy: you have to build respect, trust, safety and the willingness to take creative steps. If you establish and sustain rapport you can get access to the depths of your mind. (Rapport - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapport)) If you approach yourself in a harsh or blameful manner, access is quickly denied; you just lose focus somehow, like your brain did the Jedi mind trick on itself, or you get no answers, or some part of you gets defensive. Your inner self has had enough brutality inflicted on it, and will only let you in if you listen and talk with gentle respect.

That's one reason why the anguish you have been going through takes so long to run its cycle. And that's why the answers you got so far are about her, but not yet about the depths of you. You connected with a part of yourself that has wisdom about this relationship, and is giving you good advice. This interaction serves as an example of whether you can be trusted if allowed further in; you're not going to break the furniture in a fit of self loathing if you get some insight into your unconscious patterns. But you don't yet have access deeper down.

Acces to deeper levels is like reputation on this forum (Askme). The more positive interactions, the more trust. So the next step is to go inside yourself again (and again) and talk with whichever parts are willing to talk with you. General "getting to know you" conversations are fine, or you can try addressing problematic things that you do, like suffering over this girl beyond a certain point. The key is to enter your inner world and take everything at face value; if some part of you emerges, take it seriously.

You might visualize parts of your mind, ask them their names, interact, play games, re-experience history, think some things through, and more. I spent almost a year hanging out daily with that six year-old boy with whom I hadn't spoken for almost 30 years; sometimes we talked an hour at a time. I would just go into my office, lie down on the floor, and visualize him and talk with him. He was me at six, a part that dealt with trauma, and who stayed there and then, trying to recover. Over that year, he slowly got what he needed to integrate into the adult me, having updated his function of getting affection.

Eventually, you will want to talk with the part of you that suffers fear and anxiety within you. The information that emerges in that conversation will not be about anyone else but you. That gets difficult, but you will find out what you get from some of your emotional states and behaviors.

At this point, you will find it useful to understand that each part, no matter how troublesome their behavior, is there to do something good. Each part gets you one or more results, which are called "secondary gains." The part of you that makes you afraid might have motivation as its secondary gain, for example. It drives you to grow or act on your own behalf by scaring the s**t out of you. That's just an example; I'll show it below.

But the bottom line for now is that each part gets you something that you need. It's method might be obsolete or obnoxious, but it drives behavior that gets you something you want. One form of reframing is to separate this method from the intention behind it, and to enable new methods to form while preserving the intention. This process is guided by evaluations of the actual outcomes you get, like what you get from feeling anxiety. You can achieve this through dialog with the part that owns the function of making you feel anxious.

To clarify, you have: Intention-->Method-->Outcome. You intend to get to work; your method is to take your car; your outcome is that you arrive on time. If you were stuck with an out-of-date method, like taking a horse, the outcome might be poor. If you still cried when you were hungry—the method we all are born with—instead of updating the method—developing gestures, words, sentences, reading menus, and as an adult,"I'll have the chateaubriand, please."—you would never get fed at Chez Pierre's French restaurant.

While being shattered by having your heart broken is absolutely normal, so is healing. The parts of you that are sustaining fear and anxiety, independently of this episode in your life, are exercising methods that give you something that you need in general, but in his case are keeping you from healing and being done.

This means that you can ask what that part gets for you and go deeper and deeper, layer by layer, until you find the secondary gain that you truly want. Then, you invite your creative mind to invent several methods for getting you that, methods that don't make you suffer. Example:

"What do you get for me by making me fearful?"

"I make you miserable."

"What do you get for me by making me miserable?"

"I make you insecure."

"What do you get for me by making me insecure?"

"I motivate you to get off your and grow."

"Thank you for that because I really need it. If there were a way to get me off my and grow that didn't include being fearful and insecure, and so didn't make me suffer, a way that worked at least as well as the current method, but without the downside, would you consider using it"?

(Long silence; internal scanning going on)

"Yes, I would consider it."

You get the idea. At this point, one gives the creative parts of the unconscious mind the task of coming up with three methods, each of which fulfills the job of motivating you better than the current method, and presenting them to "the motivator" who picks one, two, all three, or some hybrids combinations of the three. The amazing thing is that almost all of the process happens outside of consciousness.

More on that later.

tao

Thanks, tao for breaking that down further. When you say "parts" what are you referring to? The part that make you feel_______? Need to let all this soak in and try communicating with myself in a deeper fashion. Appreciate it, very much.

Just a question,

Being that long distance relationships are difficult at best, what carried this one for 5 years with no end goal insight? Most normal relationships have a direction, and a goal to work toward, but from what you have written, I don't see that here, is why I ask.

Tal, that is a good question & something that I really need to take a hard look at. What I am faced with seeing that the majority of what I believed from her and any goals were false. Don't get me wrong, I take responsibility for this as well. What I feel is that she kept me at a distance, was frustrated that there was no plan, yet kept any plan from occurring.

The reason I asked was because I would have been pizzed at the lack of progress in this area, and confronted her about it. (a year or so ) and instead of being mad for long, would have been backing out on my own.

But remember, I have been dumped by many females, so what does that say about me? I don't think I could have lasted a year, let alone 5 years.

You're absolutely right. I was frustrated, & didn't know exactly how to remedy things & move forward for whatever reasons whether it be coasting, confusedness or lack of effort on my part. (These are the some of the things that I really need to take a closer look at) Maybe I don't truly give to myself and feel that sacrificing for someone else makes me feel invested or associate that with love.

Thanks, tao for breaking that down further. When you say "parts" what are you referring to? The part that make you feel_______? Need to let all this soak in and try communicating with myself in a deeper fashion. Appreciate it, very much.

Let's make sure we are tracking so far. Have you understood my definition of "parts of mind" in general? i.e. sub-personae, aspects of your mind, each with a function, personality, etc. The idea that we can see ourselves as communities of "parts" instead of homogeneous wholes...

Has that been clear?

If so, the part that makes you feel fearful will appear as distinct from the part that makes you love, or the part that motivates you to do your job, or that has spiritual experiences. For every function, there is a "part."

Yes? No? Are we on track?

Youre absolutely right. I was frustrated, & didnt know exactly how to remedy things & move forward for whatever reasons whether it be coasting, confusedness or lack of effort on my part. (These are the some of the things that I really need to take a closer look at) Maybe I dont truly give to myself and feel that sacrificing for someone else makes me feel invested or associate that with love.

Here's an example: a part of you feels that sacrificing for someone is associated with love. Other parts of you are questioning that.

Yes, got it. Thanks.
Have begun to think about all of those parts & which questions I can ask.
What is starting to help is not looking at this as purely an exercise, but more of a dialogue.

Its funny that you said that, while I was in the shower, that became the subject of my first & many questions, thanks.

Yes, got it. Thanks.
Have begun to think about all of those parts & which questions I can ask.
What is starting to help is not looking at this as purely an excercise, but more of a dialogue.

OK, now that you recognize that it's an ongoing dialog, it becomes obvious that you are changing, via this dialog, the relationship between you (your conscious mind) and various parts of your unconscious mind. Keep working on this relationship and you will gain access to the depths of your being. Some more key realizations are:


You can change how you relate to yourself by changing how you relate to (dialog with) one part at a time, or groups of parts. It is in your interest to talk with the part of you that has been recently heartbroken, but whenever you want you can also address and update your relationship with any other part.
Operate with the assumption that all the parts are working for you, doing an essential job for which they were created. There are no "bad" parts, just obsolete or dysfunctional methods.
How you relate to the parts of your mind IS how you relate to other people.

That means that you have a part for every person you know, an internal representation of all the people in your life. That's who you talk to when you run an imaginary dialog with someone who is not there with you. Change the dialog and you change the relationship.

If you want to improve the way you relate to women, for example, start a dialog among the parts of you that empathize with them. Then add the part that is drawn to them, fears them, idealizes them, objectifies them, and so on. Invite them all. Just do the meditative thing you did yesterday and imagine yourself in a room with these "people" (they are all you, just different aspects of you--parts of your mind visualized as whole individuals) and start a dialog. Let your imagination run. Get into the conversation. Let parts come and go in the dialog as they want. Just get quiet within your own mind and let your unconscious talk to you.

Whatever these virtual people/parts say, take it as truth... their truth... the reality that they live with, and the motivation for the job they are doing for you. Understand that they don't know about time, calendars, CNN news updates and the fact that you have developed since you created them. They remain at the time and place of their creation until you bring them up to date. The whole idea is to make new choices available to them (you) and to cultivate a self-knowing, self-respecting, self-correcting, high-velocity-learning, productively entertaining relationship with yourself. Peace of mind comes with the package, BTW.

Dialog away, dude. You will discover more of who you are, and will find yourself effortlessly forgetting your heartbreak. Instead, you will be learning faster and at greater depths than ever before. When you have questions, let me know.

Tao

Wow, tao. That's really helpful, I'm starting really understand. What's helps is to imagine myself in dialogue with different parts together as in a group situation. As well as possibly one or two. Thanks so much for this insight & dedication here. Truly appreciate ALL of it. Cheers.

Great exercise to get you to think before you make impulsive decisions based on feelings and not facts.

Most partners go along with the other partner as a way to keep peace, not make them mad. The motivation for ignoring their BS? Keeping them in there lives. After all you can't live without them.

That's exactly the frustration I felt, almost damned if you try.

I guess what I am starting discover is that for her, the hunt and the conquest is more valuable and exciting as the actual person. After that it diminishes until the next source of supply. And because I gave the support & love, I fed enough supply until that wasn't enough.

I guess what I am starting discover is that for her, the hunt and the conquest is more valuable and exciting as the actual person. After that it diminishes until the next source of supply. And because I gave the support & love, I fed enough supply until that wasnt enough.

What I'm starting to discover about you is that you have an abundance of support and love to give that grows and she ran out of being able to accept it because she had no idea how. I feel sort of bad for her, to know that women everywhere want what you have to offer and at some level she probably does too, but has no idea how to be loved. She ran out of ways to be loved and accepted and coasted for as long as she could until she realized she could no longer pretend because she wasn't good enough for what you had to offer. She'll go for the next "conquest" and fail again and again and fail again and again, just like she did with you. She may have been the dumper, but that doesn't mean she's the one in control of herself and her emotions like you are starting to be.

That's exactly right on & difficult to grasp this personality disorder. My guess, for her that there is always the chance of finding that ideal person and she believes that she deserves that. To feel like she is missing out on something else when not fulfilled or restless or when she experiences the thrill of newer supply like that ego boost for that agent, which to her was a challenging conquest that she bagged. Then she was given the drive & justification to eliminate me. My guess is that in her mind, I was already out of the picture and she could justify a fling. Nice one, huh?

Believe me, finding out all of this stuff since has not been pleasurable. I run past conversations with her in mind head, even our last ones. (which is guess normal) I recall times when she was feeling high & mighty or when I woul go up against her & would say things like "Well, I told you, never date a stylist" or "Why dont you go out with some rock n roll chick, then" I guess what I found out was "Never date a Narcissist"

Just wanted everyone that I am making headway, and thanks to all of you, every word. (Ive read them over and over, along with your other posts for others.) Went to a pal's soccer match & had fun, working hard to not feel like it was a distraction. It was nice. When I left, even though the niceness, got a bit sad in a way, at first because I felt so happy that I had such close friends, then because I wasn't really sure what to next or wanted to make that trip to find out. I drove home, checked your posts, then decided to force myself to work. Which I did amongst lapses in thought, posts and emotional distractions. Needless to say, I completed that looming project deadline and went through every action in my head sometimes verbal, as if I were teaching the process to myself. I actually did this in half of the time it generally takes me. After that I started getting excited about putting into action tai's suggestions and while doing so, helped myself with the analogy re: your inner self is a computer with applications (parts) all at your disposal. Some you rely on more than others. I wrote down the names of all the apps & even the utilities that I knew played their particular role. Some I recognized & new that they were there, but paid no attention to them. I have probably jotted down about 200 very critically, making matches, rating them in similar categories. Almost in different folders, hidden or not. Wow, Im sounding nerdy now. Now I can start to see how they work together and most have their negative counterpart that also serve a purpose, all the regard if you choose to use them. Its mot so much that my drive isn't big enough, or that I need a reboot, although important sometimes. Its about to understand what purpose those parts serve and know how to utilize them. Not only now but in everything. Its really about being the "user"
I am grateful beyond my own belief. The next step is to towards awareness. Thanks today.

Just woke up after a series of bad nightmares about her, worst ones yet & feeling pretty down. I know Im making progress, but can't seem to get it together in times like these. I wish I could erase her from my mind. I guess Im still pretty shocked. Sorry I seem to have some goods hours, then turn around & feel like jumping off a bridge.

Dude, it is a literal emotional roller coaster. There were times when I found myself laughing one minute and crying the next. You are normal, and human, and it is understandable. It takes a lot of time. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

This sucks. I feel so weak right now, like I am pretending to make some progress..

Its about to understand what purpose those parts serve and know how to utilize them. Not only now but in everything. Its really about being the "user." The next step is to towards awareness.

And


... a series of bad nightmares ...worst ones yet & feeling pretty down. ...I seem to have some goods hours, then turn around & feel like jumping off a bridge.

We are with you, which I am sure you feel, and your roller coaster is the same make and model as many of ours. Keep working. The self-torture will end, and you will emerge from this a more conscious, happy, and healthy human being.

It's great that you have been playing with the sorting and organizing of your inner resources. Have fun with that. Get your nerd on, all the way. All the time you spend in your neurospace can contribute to the resolution of your suffering. You are building an inner "workshop" where you can think, reflect, discover, invent, design, access resources, and build methods with which to manage your emotional and relational experience, and catalyze your growth. All your artistic skills and instincts can apply here.

After you have built some inner space in which to work, the next step is to "be like a radio." Don't search around like a sleuth with a flashlight, or a repair man. The sleuth uses a flashlight to expose something he suspects might be there; it is an active process. The repair man fixes broken stuff. You are not broken, no matter what you feel. If you approach yourself with surgical tools in hand, your inner mind will mount resistance that you can't circumvent.

A radio, by contrast, is passive; it receives signals that are being broadcast and converts them to useful sounds. It has no opinion of its own, just the content of its broadcasters, which are your parts. Staying close to the radio model, you can take a curious stance, but not more eager than that. While you desperately want to resolve this situation, you will do more if you take the position of neutrality, as if you didn't care and nothing mattered. I know how hard this is, but you can do it.

You might have already realized that the end of your suffering isn't about logic or an objective explanation being presented to you and to which you can respond. It's about getting familiar enough with your inner self (selves) that they allow you access to the place in which you can hear/see/feel what is really going on within you and resolving it. You have enough reasons to drop this person from your heart, but some part of you keeps hitting the hot button and it is in your interest to communicate directly or indirectly with that part. (Indirect communication opens a whole new study, which works but we don't need here)

Remember that healing is a natural process and all we are attempting to do is to accelerate the process. While the part we are interested in is still struggling, other parts are busily engaged in repairing, learning, and updating your mental software. Many years of experience (I started this sort of work in 1960) tell me that you have all the resources within you that you need to learn your way through this. Just keep a steady but gentle hand on the tiller and your senses open to the movement of your heart.

Your nightmares provide a wealth of information, all of which can be useful. What do you think of writing them down and posting them? You can control who sees them if you want, but they can give you a lot of info. Some dream interpretation ideas:

We dream to sort through experiences and make sense of them, as well as to reinforce learning. Repeated dreams signify unlearned or unfinished business.

All the characters—people, animals, anything sentient—in your dreams represent parts of you. Nothing in your dreams represents a foreign element. The way they interact depicts a metaphorical example of the way the parts of your mind are interacting.

You can influence your dreams by telling your "dream manager" (I just made that up) that you want to learn from dreaming and asking that they become more obvious and revealing. Do this just before sleep.

You can keep a pad and pen by your bedside and tell yourself that you will awaken when a significant dream occurs, and write it down. Make sure that you write everything in clear language, not just shorthand or trigger words that you think will remind you of the dream. (I made that mistake once, and woke the next morning to find "alarm clock" and "cheese" on the notepad.) The next day, try to reconstruct the dream, or at least visualize and communicate with the parts of the dream, which are all parts of you.

During your waking hours, spend quality time in your workshop. Throw a Parts Party and invite every one of your inner selves to come. Listen, ask questions, just get comfortable having your mind reveal itself to you through this visualization. And, yes, you are making it all up; or are you?

The magic moment will arrive when the part of you that agonizes and obsesses over her tells you what he does for you by making all that occur. Your task at that moment will be to thank him, and invite him to update his method so you can have what he gives you but in ways that only bring you joy and gratitude. It might take a few more steps but that moment will arrive.

Tao

Thanks Tal,
I like the idea of position of neutrality. Hope I can get there.

Sure, I don't mind posting that dream:

The last dream as I recall took place in a restaurant back in NY.
I was passing through the hallway when I came upon a group of my ex's family and others. A couple of them seemed really uncomfortable, but I was greeted and hugged by a few too. As I turned around, my ex was entering the room dressed in a sexy dress and confidently swaggering in almost a slutty way acting as if she didn't see me, kind of laughing. When she realized I started to step up to talk to her, she dove behind a chair. I pull the chair aside, she looked terrified. I said "Remember me?" She stood up, pulled her composure together and said simply "Nope", went around the table to be seated with her group.

I exited the restaurant & as I peered through the series of windows, she would shift back & forth to hide & avoid me seeing her through the glass.

That's all that I can recall..