Moved to new thread


I've been with him for 7 1/2 years and just recently it's escalated to physical violence to me. He's never laid a hand on me before. I was tired of constantly arguing with him over every little thing. He always had to have things ultimately his way. He didn't speak to me in a very respectful manner... just wasn't nice.

One final incident put me over the edge. I was already seeking personal counseling to try to figure out how to communicate to him how unhappy I was and to find out if he was truly abusive or if I was just exaggerating things, you know? The incident was still in my mind where he embarrassed me in front of friends at lunch telling me to "knock it off", yelling at me more like it, when I jumped into a conversation and talked over him. Mind you I did that quite often and tried to remember not to and just did this time. We had already been arguing that morning on whether I was going to the lunch or not (I was sick and really wanted to stay home but he wanted me to go). When he yelled one couple looked shocked... I put my menu up and silently cried. My heart and feelings hurt once again. I just couldn't let it go. I went home after the counseling appointment and asked him to leave. He did the next day because I just told him I needed space to figure things out which I did.

A month went by and he was trying to contact me and showing up at the house at least once a week. Then one night he came back and threatened to kill himself. I tried to stop him (calling 911) and he choked me. He moved back.

It's gotten better then worse. Another night after being turned down "intimately" yet again he choked me worse pretty much close to death.

He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them... you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate :(

Any thoughts?

You really need to get away from him and be safe while you heal. It takes an awful lot of work on both your parts to cope with this and I honestly don't think he is into trying. This may be something you do on your own without the threat he poses to you by being there. Please protect yourself.

File a police report, make your family aware. This cannot go on. It will only get worse. If you are afraid of leaving, just think of the alternative. One of these days you might not be so lucky.

While I can appreciate the way you are feeling about your situation and your relationship, you have to realize that your life is in danger. It is easy to get caught in the emotions and feelings of wanting to reconcile with a partner that you've been with for a long time however there is a real physical danger here - especially with him "downplaying" the physical violence.

You said he nearly choked you to death. You need to be careful and to protect yourself. You need to believe that you do NOT deserve this treatment.

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

Get away or next time you won't live to tell the tale. Far too often women don't report it and then end up dead. Don't fall victim to his heartless apology.

I witnessed my mum go through that and it was absolutely heartbreaking and I don't think any of my siblings or my mum was ever the same after that. No one deserves to be treated that way. Chances are if it happens once it will happen again. Don't wait until it's to late to get away from that type of situation. Because I watched my mother get pulled into it and it broke her in so many more ways then just the obvious physical pain.

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

It can be very confusing at times but one thing remains clear - happy pills or no, he crossed that line into physical violence. Not once, but TWICE!

I personally don't buy his explanation but let's just suppose he is telling the truth about the pills. He is ultimately responsible for putting himself in the position to hurt you physically, right? His friends didn't strap him into a chair, force his mouth open, and make him take the pills did they? It's the same thing when people go out and get drunk and lose control. They took that first sip of booze - they are responsible for whatever happens after that!

One of my ex's was in an extremely abusive relationship. Her husband at the time was controlling and manipulative - she KNEW she was in a bad situation and part of why she stayed with him was because of the whole "for better or worse". Well this "for better or worse" escalated to the point where she was thrown from a car and was nearly killed. Bible or not, you have a right to protect and defend yourself from harm. Now as far as him saying you should try to work things out, he hasn't even owned up to how serious his actions were. I'm sorry but if his idea of "communicating" involves choking, I'd politely decline that offer - and so should you.

I know you want to forget all that has happened. I know you wish things were back to the way they were before. But none of that is possible - we don't live in the past. We live in the now. I know this is so hard for you but you need to find the strength inside yourself to do what you already know must be done. Take a step back and listen to your own words...


I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished

Don't give up on yourself! Put your mind into getting out of this. You deserve better than this mess.

Get out.

My sister stayed with an abusive husband for 7 years, until he pulled a gun on her in front of their kids.

He, too, had to always have things his way, and manipulated her into believing that every time he lost control, if SHE had just done something different, then HE wouldn't have reacted like that.

YOU should control you. YOU should make you happy. All your man is doing is making you believe that you do not deserve to be happy, and that he's the only thing that can make you happy.

You are NOT a failure. You are NOT supposed to stay in a marriage where your husband hurts you.

Maybe the wedding vows WERE for better or for worse. Maybe the Bible DOES say that the only reason for a divorce is adultery. But the Bible ALSO says that a man should love his wife like Jesus loves the Church--reverantly, protecting her, putting her first in his thoughts and heart.

He doesn't do that. Therefore HE is the one going against the Bible. He is NOT going to change.

File a police report, and ask the officer that takes your statement where your local women's shelter is.

Do NOT go back to this man no matter what. He treats you worse than most people treat their DOGS--and you're not a dog, honey, you're a woman who deserves better than the scraps that he's throwing you.

Thank you all for your thoughts and help in trying to understand how things really are. I know I don't deserve to be treated badly because no one does you know? That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

He is now in the honeymoon phase, so no this behavior is NORMAL for an abuser.

Things start in the honeymoon stage, he is apologetic, attentive, helpful, everything a wonderful partner is.

Then you move into the tension building, things are shorter, not as much attention, his temper is building.

Then finally you have the blow up, the abuse cycle at it's worse. The fight, the name calling, the throwing, pushing, screaming, injuries. After this we can return to the honeymoon stage.

You are in an abusive relationship and all of the excuses you can make, do not excuse the behavior. You have to get out.

That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

Whoa, hold on now... I fail to see how YOU are hurting HIM. You are feeling guilt for his actions? You need to snap out of that way of thinking. You have to remember something, he is ultimately responsible for how HE reacts to a given situation. It isn't like you blatantly provoked this kind of behavior from him. His reaction was NOT normal. Please stop blaming yourself for this. You are the victim here, not him!


But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

In times like this, I hate being right. I'm sorry he has put you in a situation to make you feel this way.


This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

How selfish you are because HE wanted sex but you have TWO jobs you work to earn money? He's out of his mind. It is funny how he's the first to say that you aren't taking HIS feelings into consideration yet he hasn't given a damn about yours. Almost ridiculous really.


He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

You know you're doing the best you can - EVERYONE here can see it too! But of course, he goes off and says you're not. Is HE doing the best he can? Clean slate yet "he slams things and knocks things over"? Just a matter of time until he starts doing that to you again... Actions speak louder than words.


He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

I'm usually the first to say that I believe that there is good in everyone, but this behavior is clearly insane and absolutely unacceptable. You needed to get some sleep for your TWO jobs and he pretty much PRESSURES you into having sex. Very not cool.

This guy is really bad news. The best thing for you to do in my opinion is get out of this relationship PRONTO! He has TONS of issues he needs to work out on his own. You deserve so much better than this!

There is no way you should still be in that relationship. It is a dangerous predicament and you need to get out. Don't think about how it was before because this is for your own safety.

I am really stuck though... We are so buried in debt, I'm 2500 miles away from my family and I really don't have any real close friends out here. I want to get away but when I've tried it hasn't worked so well...

He has family so I asked him to leave, well he ended up back and choked me twice now. I applied to rent a house but they turned me down because of my credit. I have good credit but owe so much that it shows my one job won't cover everything and my second job is tips only so non-verifiable. I was so upset last Friday so that's why I decided to give everything another real shot but I guess I really didn't because I can't let go...

I spent today at work looking for other places to rent and found a place that will accept all my pets but I have to set up a showing and yet again ask my retired parents to please help me out... I feel like such a loser and a failure.

Then even if I move out, that doesn't mean that he's out of my life. He knows where I work (both jobs) and will probably be able to find me. Heck he'll probably follow me when I move because it's not like he's not going to know. My life is a complete wreck and I'm losing faith in everything...

I've tried to be a hard worker and treat others as I'd like to be treated for the most part except I can't give give give to him any more. I know he's hurting because I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

Why should he expect you to be the sweet loving wife, and why should you keep your eyes and mouth closed? He's not your master, he's your husband.


Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now?

Has he taken your feelings into consideration? If someone you didn't know treated you like this, would you put up with it?


He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past?

Saying something and showing something are two different things. He can talk until he's blue in the face, they're just words, and his actions say that he is sorry and won't stop, so yes, he should be condemned forever!


I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect

No one is perfect, but most people are kind, caring and loving. It really isn't that hard not to yell at someone, not to beat someone. He can't manage it, and he never will.

I know it's hard to leave, he has pushed you down to the point that you don't think you can make it on your own. It won't be easy, there will be hard roads ahead of you, but you can do it.

Would you rather be the girl who left, pulled herself up and found life, or the girl that stayed because of debt and fear and ended up 6 feet under?

This isn't going to have a happy ending, I promise you. Most times I would say "seek counselling, try and make it work" but not when there is abuse and it's obvious that he won't change.

We see it, you see it, but only you can do something about it. We can only offer encouragement, and we are encouraging you to leave.

Not one person so far has told you to hang on, give it another chance. That alone should tell you something. We're looking at this situation without prejudice, we see the clear picture, so listen to us, because I know we're all right about this.

Take care of yourself, get out now!

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

Was he taking your feelings or well-being into consideration when he choked you? Or when he yelled at you in that public restaurant? Or when he pressured you into having sex with him time and time again? Hell no he didn't.

The fact that he's still acting violently and still is not taking YOU into consideration speaks volumes. He's taking advantage of your good nature by putting the GUILT on you to forgive him. He's shown no remorse here. He's just been sweet talking you again but I suspect that it is just a game. As you said, change doesn't happen overnight.

Don't give up. You are not a loser and you're not a failure. Family and friends are supposed to be there when you're in a time of need and you definitely are. You also definitely deserve better than this treatment.

You need to get out of there and get a restraining order. Call the police department/sheriff's office to see if they can refer you to a local battered woman's shelter or at least point you to resources that can help you. There may be some additional resources online you may be able to find that may help.

By the way, I like how he's using the fact that "he's not perfect" as an excuse to do whatever, whenever, however it is he wants. That is not right at all...

You're not listening.

You are going to end up in the hospital or dead if you do not leave. Go. NOW!

When he is at work, go to the local police station. Take, at most, 2 bags of the things you don't want to lose/can't live without. File a report. Get a restraining order. Ask for the women's shelter.

I guarantee you that he will NOT be able to be near you if you have a restraining order and live in the women's shelter.

Honey, please---listen to me. We are NOT exaggerating. You are going to DIE if you do not leave.

I don't give a monkey's fart what HIS feelings are, or what HE is going through. You shouldn't either. NO ONE deserves this!

And honey--he's not going to listen to your logic on this. Sorry, but he's not. He doesn't care about logic, he cares about controlling you.

Just leave.

I know it may be hard not having family to support you. Im use to family because my familys houses surround me. Anyway I really am scared for you. This is what I would do...

Go to the police station and file a report stay there a little while if it makes you feel safer
pack only what is neccesary and get out of the hous immediatly
Go to a house that belongs to anyone you can trust preferrably family

I know this is a lot but maybe I can ask one of my family members because she is in a bad relationship. But do you really think he still loves you? If your answer is maybe or yes close your eyes and think about this...
Now love should be the strongest emotion in your marriage. First you must realize what love is. Love is much more than doing nice things for someone, its charishing everything about them, flaws and all. You shouldn't be able to hurt someone you truly love and go to sleep at night. That person might really be fine and is living their life. Hurting you isn't bothering them. If he continues to do its not bothering him and it will get worse. This means no he does not love you as you should be loved. YOU DESERVEBETTER;)

I thought he could never do any wrong.
obviously not he could kill you. Get out if you value having a phisically and mentally healthy life.



I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. Sometimes you can't wait for time it might not EVER change. And the real question is dos he love you.

One thing I know, I've experienced abused. Yeah, he will tell you that he loved you, he messed up etc. but based on my experience, it will happen again and again. He does not love you, he is being selfish! He knows that he can do that to you and you will still love him etc. why would not he stay? You pay the bills etc. you can take care of him, you can give him what he wants (sex) etc.
Well, didn't you say earlier if you put your mind into something it can happen?? Then, you should be able to break free from your husband if you want to. Call your mom or dad or friends back there and tell them about your situation. I am sure they will help you and can support you. Quit jobs and change into another if you have to. You don't need to tell him where you change jobs etc. OR just go back to your family, take a personal leave for a few days. You can make friends from your workplace too right?? Also, praying to God helps and He will gives you a way out.

Btw, you said your husband threatened you before too right? He has treated you badly, you realized it, but now back to you... do u still want to be with him and work things out? If you do, think twice why would you want to be with him? What has he given you? Are you happy by staying with him? Is it more happiness or sadness when you're with him? Do you feel safe when you're around him? Can you trust him not to do that again? Be honest, don't fantasize he will change, just answer it honestly. He said he wanted a divorce, in my opinion sooner or later he will divorced you. I don't know when but when he's not satisfied with you, he'll say it again to hurt you or do stuff to you. Wow, that can lower yourself esteem you know. It's not healthy for you.

Wow... This is exactly why I picked my stuff up and left my ex without even saying goodbye. Out of FEAR. Didn't trust his reaction to situations.

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum... yeah right... When your feelings are not taken into consideration it becomes a big traumendous problem. Leave. SERIOUSLY. If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.

It will hurt a lot. Heck I've even found myself chasing my ex to work things out but after a strict month of NC I now realize that cutting him off was for the best. I'm regaining myself esteem, hanging out with friends, and I realize that I deserve someone who will respect and appreciate me for who I am and not try to control me or what I do.

If you can't communicate with someone nothing will work.

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum...
Listen, she is right! He is like a four year old he thinks it was just a temper tantrum but these kind of "temper tantrums" can kill you.

If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.
When you loved him, if you don't know did you hurt him. If you said no then why does he get to hurt you.

You asked if your marriage can survive domestic violence...

... my question to you is "Why would you want it to?????"

If a man hits you, that should be it. Period.

Your children are at risk. Your life is at risk. Your children's lives are at risk. WHY would you willingly choose that life?

You don't deserve to be abused. Ever.

Hey... I'm still getting your messages and I'm really really reading them and taking it all in. I can't help but still feel like I'm going a bit crazy and can't believe I'm actually in this situation.

So, I was talking to my mom today and she said that she doesn't want to hear another word about what's going on if I don't do anything about it. She said I was starting to rationalize why it would be best to stay... I can't believe it but she was right!

I really truly understand his frustrations because in his eyes... he hasn't really done that much wrong to me that can't be undone and doesn't understand why I can't just get over it. He's admitted he was wrong and promises to stop the behavior so I should forgive and forget right? According to him at least. We are in the middle of couples counseling and I tell him I wish I could make it all better but I can't and I don't know if I will be able to. I try to be honest and he just gets mad and says I'm not trying hard enough. Same old same old.

What do I benefit from staying with him?? Nothing that I can't get from friends and family really... Am I really happy, no or I wouldn't be questioning it right? I just need to trust my instincts and go with it. Stand up for what I feel and don't listen to him complain about how selfish I'm being and that I don't take marriage seriously and I'm giving up. No arguing back because it won't do any good and no point but that's when he gets the most upset... no reaction at all from me.

I went and looked at another house last night and really... it's perfect and he bascially said that I would qualify for it because all I have to do is make 2 1/2 times the rent a month gross and I do. The house is completely empty and just looked so big and lonely. So of course I'm dragging my feet on it. I just can't believe I'm going to have a foreclosure on my record after I've worked two jobs for so long to afford everything... feels like I did it for nothing!

I had a reality check on how much my life is affecting everyone around me when my manager last night at work said I needed to pull it together or take some time off because I can't keep calling in on my shifts.

I just don't know who to trust with what they are telling me you know. Everyone here has made total sense and is expressing exactly what I know I have to do. It's just getting the backbone to do it right?

I didn't tell you all the last time he choked me I went to the doctor because all the blood vessels in my eyes were broken (completely red with no white) and I had lost partial vision for a few minutes and hearing for a short time as well. My husband was actually the one who told me I was close to death most likely... and said it calm. But later he cried about what he had done and said how much it hurt him. He's been sleeping really badly having nightmares and talking in his sleep so it has to be affecting him. Well the doctor reported him to the cops and I had the opportunity to have him arrested but lied because I didn't think it would do him good to sit in jail... should have done it... sigh...

He has been really good the past couple of days but started to get irritated again. I just don't get it? If I was the one who wasn't working, and was hurtful and mean I would be kissing his butt not being pouty and demanding. Then again I wouldn't have behaved that way either so...

I'm going to submit the ap for the house tomorrow morning and see what happens. They said it takes a few days to find out and I guess I go from there right?

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though... it's going to be a mess! :(

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so.... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though...it's going to be a mess! :(

OMG, you don't break the news that you are leaving, you don't tell him where you are going, you don't have a conversation, you call the cops to escort you to your home to get your things and you leave, no forwarding address, no trail for him to follow. He is going to blow when he finds out, you don't have a conversation about it. File a restraining order.

Call the battered women's hotline, find a battered woman shelter in your area. YOU NEED SUPPORT. You will rationalize yourself right back into staying. GET OUT!

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permanent but it needs to be done.

Then... my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarrassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all... just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this... working two jobs... and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse... they do!

I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

How will you feel when he finds his next victim to vent his frustrations on?

You are not helping him, by lying and protecting him. Your husband has a problem. You enabling is not going to help you seek ANY closure in this matter and this is just another way for him to manipulate you into staying involved in his life.

If your husband wasn't in the wrong there would not even be a possibility of prison looming over his head, this is NOT your battle, you didn't mess up. YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEM (except him), the problem is his.

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should go ahead and have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permenant but it needs to be done.

Then....my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this...working two jobs...and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse...they do!

I believe that the doctor was legally obligated to report any crimes to the police so I can't fault them in doing so. Things might seem pretty bad to you right now, but this might be the sort of wake-up call/kick in the pants your husband needs. I can't say I'm in agreement with you lying (perjury) to protect your husband - the doctor obviously found that the physical evidence was enough to think otherwise and I think you should come clean. Don't put yourself in jeopardy by lying any further.

You need to stop protecting your husband. You are not responsible for him. You let him off way too easy when you didn't press charges. May I politely remind you that he nearly killed you. I know you still love him but that doesn't forgive what he did to you and now the law wants to make sure he's punished for his actions. As it looks like there is really no way out of this situation, hopefully the state will recognize that he needs psychological help and get him the help he needs.

Im sorry I found this one late. But my advice is going to be along the lines of what others have posted. GET OUT NOW!! NO man should ever treat you that way. The first time it happened you should have called the cops and got out of dodge. It sounds like your mom is willing to help which is great! Call your mom say mom I'm bringing the kids over were coming to stay for a few weeks till I can line up another place to stay.

As other members have said get him arrested! He almost killed you that is attempted murder and he admitted it! Don't let someone else become his victim.

Also calling the cops before you start packing would be a good idea, men like him are cowards and won't do anything in front of them, ensuring you and your children get out safely. Don't worry if you have to leave some stuff behind, it can be replaced, your lives cant!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things.


PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Don't you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage??


He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever.

I hope that you're not going to willfully choose to trust a man that hits women. Nothing he says can or should be trusted.



I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

Please don't lie for him. A person should never be asked to lie for someone else. Ever. ESPECIALLY in this situation.




So now I have to deal with this.

Please get some help... you don't have to deal with this alone. Your Mother knows that you need to get out of this situation... let her help you. Please.

PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Dont' you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage????? .



Agreed - shocking advice. There was a terrible case which set precedent in NY some years ago. Woman wanted a divorce due to husband's temper and rage. Went to a counseller. She retained an Attorney. Attorney sent letter to husband because counsellor advised her not to just walk out. He got letter, she came home from work, he killed her. Left 5 children without a mother. He got life. Children also no longer had father. Horrible, horrible case. I don't know how the suit against the counsellor was settled.

I take the position if a woman says he's violent and she's afraid... believe her.

Get out now, however, whenever, do what it takes.

Okay, you need to listen to me, and you need to listen very carefully all right?

DO NOT protect him from going to jail! DO NOT lie for him! He NEEDS to go to jail, and you NEED to not contact him any further! You are doing him or yourself NO FAVOURS by not putting him where he belongs.

Do you know what is going to happen? He IS going to do this to you again. His words are just noise. Do you remember the story about the boy who called wolf? Well you are being the girl who called wolf, and sooner than later, the cops ARE NOT going to take you seriously anymore! They will see who called, and they will take their time to get there, because they know that you always want to drop the charges and lie for him. They aren't stupid! They KNOW you are lying! By that time you could be DEAD!

Why do I know this you may ask? I was YOU sweetheart... I WAS YOU! Do you want me to list the number of bones in my body that were broken? Or the number of hospital visits I made and lied about because I was threatened? Everything in your story was ME!. and I was there longer than you. It doesn't get BETTER! It gets much WORSE! Trust me, you could very likely end up dead. This is nothing to take lightly!

Cut off all contact, period! Find a new counsellor, because the one you have is BRAIN DEAD, and find someone that is qualified in handling abuse cases. Find a safe place to live and let the lawyers handle anything that involves contact. Do NOT tell him you're leaving, DO NOT tell him where you are going. Plan ahead, wait until he's out of the house, or bring the authorities with you and GO!

If you don't have a place yet, go to a battered woman's shelter in your area. You will be safe there. At the very least, go to a friend or family member and stay with them, but let the cops know that is where you are, and tell them the situation.

You need to get out PERIOD!

Leave him to cut a deal with the prosecuters on his own, and worry about what you have to do for your own life.

Time to be selfish, and protective of your own, and let everyone else take responsibility for their own actions.

I was involved in the same situation. My mother, bless her soul, lived through verbal and physical abuse to an extent that I really don't want to go into here. But I can tell you that she said that she 'stayed' because of 'us' kids... she kept forgiving him and saying that 'you have to understand the pressures he is going through.'

WHAT? For all those years! He had her scared to death!

I have to say that except for this (really big) flaw, we were a caring and wonderful woman, very smart woman whose capacity for loving was boundless... But clueless when it came to her own life.

When we were older and left home we all (all eight of us; her kids and his) begged her to leave and come live with one of us...

We told her that we would 'have it out with him or at least sit him down to straight talk" Her final argument was.. 'please don't, he will only take it out on me... ' She wouldn't leave and we couldn't intervene...

She said that 'he is better', 'he loves me in his own way', 'he doesn't really mean it'...

She put up with his CRAP and abuse for over 26 years! I don't understand, but I do know that she even would take the blame for things that we did as kids 'so daddy won't get mad!' I found this out much later...

Finally... he died, I did not go to his funeral and neither did most of his kids... we actually felt relieved...

Mom finally opened up and began to live her live, she traveled, she visited all of us in various parts of this country and 'came alive' for what I think was the first time... now, she was smiling much more...

I made a blood promise to myself that I would never spank, hit or abuse my kids or my wife... never and I would use 'him' as an example of how NOT to be...

My point is this LovesAnimals, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Please leave now, get away from him, start the first day of your new life, cut the cord hon, IT WILL NOT EVER GET BETTER only worse... I really pray that you leave and are safe.

I'm sorry, but stop and think for a moment, some of this problem is the low respect that you have for yourself... you need to change that, you need to start building you own life...

Stringer

Please leave! My cousin almost lost her life due to domestic violence. Her boyfriend beat her for years and nobody in my family knew about it until he beat her with a bat and made her blind in one eye. Now she has to wear a patch on her right eye and to this day she stills has nightwares about the abuse.

So please don't defend him because a man that would hit, choke, threaten you, or cause any bodily harm to you isn't a man at all because a real man would walk away to cool his head befores it even gets to that point. Believe it or not you're the victim and need to protect yourself because what you had with this guy isn't love. You need to gather all the strength from within and stand strong. Talk to others women that walked in your shoes by joining a support group but put this guy in jail and I bet you he won't survive and guys in jail don't like to hear about guys like him.

Also, if you don't have nobody to stay with or a support system you can always go into a domestic violence shelter ana they would help you with everything you need to help you recover.

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers?

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

The domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-safe. They can made arrangements to pick you up from wherever your at. And help you by providing housing, counseling, support groups,etc

To me, a man who hits a woman or a child... isn't a man at all...

What's he is really saying to you? I can't compete with you intellectually so I have revert to violence and abuse..

Not a man at all... (period)

and he choked me. He moved back.

This cannot be good. Both of you need to be away from one another as you both seem psychologically fused together. For whatever reason, yourself worth is so low, your judgement is clouded into thinking being choked is acceptable. His is obviously clouded, if he thinks it is OK to do that to someone. I am not trying to defend him in ANY way, but... Obviously he must be miserable to have to stoop to such a disgusting level. I can only imagine how ty he must feel about himself. Regardless if he does or does not, the bottom line is that you two are toxic for one another AT THIS POINT. For one to think a certain behavior is acceptable to DO, while the other thinks it is acceptable to DEAL WITH--there are serious underlying issues that need to be fixed. I hate to say the solution is to leave a marriage, but then again... I definitely do not advise living a life being disrespected in any way. He's crossed some major lines, and the fact that you even bothered to ask about advise shows it bothered you. Please walk away with your dignity, I promise you will love yourself for it later on. You deserve it... for yourself.

Hey... I'm back and still reading all your great comments. I was mistaken about what my counselor had suggested. She wanted me to tell him it was done but wanted someone... friend or cops... there because of the kind of reaction he might have. I didn't talk to him about all that though because of everything else going on.

The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

The really sad part is that I've always (in the past) been able to overlook all the bad and focus on the good and we move forward in our own demented way and now I just can't let go and do that. I know too much. I know our relationship is not healthy for either one of us right now and maybe never... I try to explain all this to him and he just doesn't get it. We need to have space and time to heal and fix ourselves so we can both be in healthy relationships whether with each other or not. I just put a stop to the cycle and things spiraled out of control!

I know what needs to be done and I think I'm in a better state of mind with our relationship or lack there of.

There is just too much going on for me to handle right now... I'm trying to work both jobs, figure out where to live (haven't paid on the mortgage and I'm approved for a place to rent). Now that he's getting the unemployment again and with both jobs I'm sure I can get the mortgage paid and hopefully caught up but should I even bother with everything else going on? My husband is facing prison time for the things he did to me.

My good sense tells me "what the hell are you doing women!" sticking by a man that almost killed you! He needs to have consequences to his actions or he's never going to learn or change... Unfortunately I think he's going to have some pretty big consequences...

So... this is where I'm at...

I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day! I try to be as honest as I can...

Thanks for all the advise and believe it or not it's really helped me to sort through some things on the seriousness of everything. I do have escape plans in place and codes if something is wrong. I more fully understand what needs to be done but I have to do it in baby steps for me... I have come to the conclusion that I need to take ownership of things and make actions in my life to resolve the problems... One step at a time...

Thank you all

The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

Again, PLEASE. Get another counselor. His abusive behavior is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your "not addressing problems" did NOT cause him to become abusive. NO MAN has ANY right to EVER be abusive. NO MATTER WHAT.


I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

Once again... your actions do NOT give him the right to become abusive. His reactions are HIS OWN FAULT. NOT YOURS.

I know that you're not going to stand up for yourself and tell the truth in this. He will not get the consequences that he deserved because you are unwilling to put him through that. Even though he should. I get it. You don't want to "hurt" him - even though you should send his sorry bum to jail to rot. Honestly, wife beaters are some of the most repulsive, disgusting people.

But at least get yourself out of there. Forever.

He WILL turn on you again. Don't be around for it.

You know LoveAnimals when people are in an abusive relationship they tend to put the blame on themselves but with counselling you'll get out of the frame of mind.

Any jail time he gets he because of his own actions not yours. You didn't make him choke and let alone almost kill you, he did and what would've happen if he didn't almost kill you but actually kill you? Unlike some females who lives were taken away at the hand of their abusers, your luckily to be alike so don't stay with him another day because who knows what he might do you since you already know what he is capable of doing. Escape while you have the life in to do so.

It saden me that your allowing yourself to take the blame but I can undeestand why because you're the victim of abuse and again only counselling and a strong support group can make see things in another light.

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day!

He isn't the only one living in a fantasy.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic Violence Statistics: Prevalence and Trends ~ FindCounseling.com (http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-statistics.html)

Again, PLEASE. Get another counselor. His abusive behavior is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your "not addressing problems" did NOT cause him to become abusive. NO MAN has ANY right to EVER be abusive. NO MATTER WHAT.



Once again.... your actions do NOT give him the right to become abusive. His reactions are HIS OWN FAULT. NOT YOURS.

I know that you're not going to stand up for yourself and tell the truth in this. He will not get the consequences that he deserved because you are unwilling to put him through that. Even though he should. I get it. You don't want to "hurt" him - even though you should send his sorry bum to jail to rot. Honestly, wife beaters are some of the most repulsive, disgusting people.

But at least get yourself out of there. Forever.

He WILL turn on you again. Don't be around for it.

I can not agree more HC, good advice!

Hey there...

I know he's not the only one living in a fantasy land, I am too! My counselor is not as bad as it comes across. She's really opened my eyes up to a lot things about myself and she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault (the abuse part). Now the relationship changing on the other hand has a lot to do with me... but it's no one's fault really.

Going into the relationship I put him on such a pedastal that he could say or do no wrong. Even when I knew what he was saying was a stretch of the truth... I believed him because I wanted to. I have been stuck in a mode of making sure he's okay for so long, that I can't even answer a simple question without thinking how the outcome would make my husband feel. That is not normal and is wrong.

My counselor says I'm like someone who wants to help take care of an alcoholic but also provides the booze. Point is that we are both messed up and together it's toxic.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, justifies what my husband did to me. The more I listen to him talk about the incident and blaming the dr for reporting it and how much or a B-I-*** she is for being the hero and not minding her business... and now not saying she was wrong. I even explain the my husband that I'm still jumpy and not okay with us. But he doesn't get it... And like my counselor said, he will never get it. I love him but it's not a healthy love and I know it.

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately... HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can... since I was the one who told the dr and could have avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this... and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy... and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else... so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad... very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately...HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can...since I was the one who told the dr and could of avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this...and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy...and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

You DID NOT do this, your husband could have avoided all of it, if he were a real man who handled stress and disagreements appropriately!

So if your guilt stems from not telling him it was over and it escalating to violence, why do you continue to stay waiting for the next episode of violence that may critically injury you or take your life?

You haven't come out of your fantasy, when you are out of your fantasy, you will not be standing by his side.

There are good men out there, PLENTY, that understand that you NEVER lay your hands on another person, that it not love, that it's control. You are controlled by this man and he will abuse you again.

Hey there....

I know he's not the only one living in a fantasy land, I am too! My counselor is not as bad as it comes across. She's really opened my eyes up to a lot things about myself and she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault (the abuse part). Now the relationship changing on the other hand has a lot to do with me...but it's no one's fault really.

Going into the relationship I put him on such a pedastal that he could say or do no wrong. Even when I knew what he was saying was a stretch of the truth...I believed him because I wanted to. I have been stuck in a mode of making sure he's okay for so long, that I can't even answer a simple question without thinking how the outcome would make my husband feel. That is not normal and is wrong.

My counselor says I'm like someone who wants to help take care of an alcoholic but also provides the booze. Point is that we are both messed up and together it's toxic.

Nothing, absolutly nothing, justifies what my husband did to me. The more I listen to him talk about the incident and blaming the dr for reporting it and how much or a B-I-*** she is for being the hero and not minding her business...and now not saying she was wrong. I even explain the my husband that I'm still jumpy and not okay with us. But he doesn't get it... And like my counselor said, he will never get it. I love him but it's not a healthy love and I know it.

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately...HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can...since I was the one who told the dr and could of avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this...and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy...and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

I can tell you have a good heart, you really do. I am glad you're finally starting to see how toxic this relationship is. But I do have to also express my concern that you are still protecting him. I know you care about him still, but you really have to stop this. You are no longer responsible for him in any way, shape, or form. He gave up that benefit the day he tried to kill you.

Justwantfair is absolutely right here. YOU are NOT responsible for any this. You didn't shove those pills in his mouth, he did. You didn't force him to nearly choke you to death. I know you feel that it is your fault that you didn't have the guts to leave him before it escalated. But I say it is HIS fault because HIS ACTIONS ultimately led to this. If he never did this, YOU wouldn't have been put in the situation you're in now, correct?

Stop feeling guilty for loving and caring for him - you're human. Humans love and care for their family and friends. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of us for loving and caring but that does not make it our fault for loving and caring. Don't blame yourself for things he did. If anything, you should be angry at him for putting you in this situation and trying to kill you...

You've taken the first steps and I applaud you for that so far. But you need to let go of this completely and realize that you are hurting yourself and him by continuing to try to support him. This is NO longer your responsibility. Your responsibility is now to yourself and yourself alone, first and foremost.

Letting him know where you will be is a BIG mistake. This was your chance to break it and start your healing process. You need to start loving yourself and as Justy has told you; the violence WILL occur again, you know this. Forget about him, end it please. He is not emotionally stable... and it is not your job to fix it.

Stringer

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

Oh dear... you are right, he's not dumb and he has played into your caring heart and sense of being fair; being nice, so that he doesn't suffer. You run a tremendous risk of things escalating once he knows you definitely want to end the relationship. The vast majority of women who are killed or seriously injured have it occur when they are trying to leave and they have given too much notice, too much information about where they are going. You have him actually moving in with you! STOP!! Stop being nice... I know full well how that can go against your very nature, but you simply must take that uncomfortable step and do what is necessary for your safety.

He can not know where you live, when you are leaving, what any of your plans are. He will be so angry that he will lash out where he can, it's an assault to his manliness, his ego, his sense of power and control and who do you suppose will bare the brunt of his anger? He will hunt you down, perhaps quite literally. Ignore any sweet talk, ignore any apologies, ignore any threats, ignore any promises of changing. Do not take that chance!
Break the lease on the place you rented, explain a bit of the situation with the property manager, perhaps they will let you out without any issue. Even if they do, do not let money keep you from doing what you need to do to keep away from him. Document everything that is done and said. Have no further contact with him... nothing, do not answer e-mails, pages, texts, phone calls, nothing.

I wish you much strength and courage... wisdom and peace. It won't be easy. It will be down right gut wrenching, but you are strong... and you will get through it... much wiser and stronger than you ever knew you were.

If nothing else, think of it this way... if this was your best friend, sister, mother, or daugther going through the same thing... what would you tell them to do??

WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING HIM? HE COULD HAVE KILLED YOU!

All you are doing is changing residences, and you are taking him with you. Why are you allowing this? You need to go somewhere that is safe, and away from HIM! You Need to realise that this is NOT YOUR FAULT!

He IS responsible for his own actions. This wasn't anything YOU did, anything YOU caused, anything YOU asked for! These were HIS ACTIONS!

You told the Dr. what was going on. You needed to do that! Stop feeling guilty for turning in a CRIMINAL! Yes, he is a CRIMINAL!

Physical abuse, or any kind of abuse AT ALL, is a DEAL BREAKER! You have NO responsibility in this PERIOD!

Are you going to stick around feeling guilty until he KILLS YOU???

Get out while you still CAN! He WILL do this again, and I think you know that don't you!! Trust your gut, and get AWAY from him!

I completely feel like my life is falling apart...

Thanks for the continued support and advise. I really do understand and know everything you all are saying to me but it really really helps to have the positive reinforcement that I'm not completely crazy in thinking the way I do.

Last night I got so frustrated I raised my voice and then started crying. I haven't paid my mortgage for a month and 1/2 now and it's showed up on my credit. One of my credit cards decided to lower my limit because of this but at least they didn't jack up the interest rate. The reality of everything is really starting to hit me and I'm having a really hard time dealing. I took two Xanx last night and completely knocked out! My husband decided to go out to his friends and spend the night... since I wasn't giving anything up "intamately" and he needed to talk to his family about helping him out with lawyer fees.. The lawyer says his case is beatable because it's all hear say but he'll need a lawyer.

We fought last night because he saw the copies of the med reports from the doctor. I got copies of my last two visits so he could see them and for the lawyer to have. One tells what really happened. It mentions I thought he was on drugs and belongs to a bike club "gang" and that he choked me. The second states I lied about that because I was embarrassed about our sexual endeavors. He started telling me that I really want to F him over because why did I say all that stuff? I explained again that I was scared! He had guys in his club call all the guy numbers in my phone and threaten them to stay away from me. I work at a bar for my second job and have regular customers I text to let them know I'm working... hence money but that's it and my husband knew about this! Guys from the club were coming in more often and my husband told me sometimes they come in not wearing their colors. I don't want to be constantly watched even though I'm not doing anything wrong. If I wanted to cheat on him I could have but I didn't!

Anyway... he says "how could you do this to me". I'd expect this out of my ex wife but not you... I said "maybe you shouldn't have choked me". He says last night that he has a friend that's going to give him work and pay him cash to help with the bail money and lawyer fees. He says... see this money could have gone towards paying down bills and the house but instead we are losing the house and we are spending it on bail and a lawyer for something I said. He says... all I wanted for us to communicate and work together and now look at this.

I told him I was communicating when I told him we were over extended and were probably going to loose the house. I did communicate with him that I'm hurt and damaged by his verbal/emotional treatment towards me and now physical and that it would take a long time to get over if I even can and to back off and that NO I didn't want to be intimate.

He bascially told me last night how I don't back him and because I said something to the doctor I was trying to screw him. He says I complain that he's said he could ruin my day job... but he hasn't and look I've gone and screwed him over. If I was trying to screw him over... I would have gone to the cops or blamed him for something he didn't do. I was scared and trying to protect myself. What I did wasn't wrong.

I just feel like I'm going to have a complete melt down here pretty soon. My credit score (which I know is nothing compared to my life) has gone from excellent to fair in just one month! I've worked so hard my entire life to pay things I'm responsible for and take care of things I'm responsible for and it's all gone...

All this work for nothing... and he just doesn't get it... how it's all affecting me really. How it's affecting me mentally, emotionally... everything. I understand he feels hurt and betrayed and is scared because he may go to prison or get probation or something but feels that he did what he did because I wouldn't talk with him or be intimate. He says he's totally screwed on finding a job ever because of his charge 13 yrs ago for drugs, dismissed charge 4 yr ago for terorist threats against his ex-wife, and now the two new charges... That's not my fault but his!

Ok... has he or has he not physically abused you? Are we correct in understanding that he has choked you in the past, along with other abusive behaviour? If so, you need to stop communicating with him NOW! Stop talking to him about all that is going on. If you lied at your doctor's visit, that would obviously not be a good thing, but you can't change that now. If it comes up, be totally honest about being fearful.

Do you have any friends or relatives in another area that you could stay with for a period? Another state would be better if possible... a friend he doesn't really know much about would be ideal. If so, make arrangements to do so... do not let him, or anyone else, know that you are going... when or where. If staying with a friend or family member is out of the question, check out centers for abused women... your doctor can put you in touch with them... as they really should have done already. Do inform the police of your plans, of your fears, of the past assaults. Document, document, document everything.

You have to decide whether you want to continue in this type of a relationship because it isn't going to change. If you do, if this is the sort of relationship you had hoped to have, that is your choice. If you want more, then you need to make some very tough decisions. Yes, you will be scared... yes, you will be anxious... yes you will have second thoughts and even start thinking about the good times... all of that is normal... but if you want to be safe and have the chance for a true loving relationship down the road, you have to fight through those feelings. There are people available to help you through each step of the way; who want to help you as they have been in your place before... you have to seek out that help in your area if you want change. It can be difficult to do on your own... take all the help you can along the way.

OH WOW!

--Bike gangs

--Threats from gang members to your customers

--Terrorist threats to his ex

--Drugs charges

---Physical, mental, and emotional abuse

---Choking you

--Blaming you for the problems with your house and credit when you are working two jobs

--He's not working

--Leaving when you won't put out for him

--He will likely go to prison and is blaming you

--He has run your credit off into the ditch

--because of him you are losing your home, and he has threatened that he would try and screw you around with your job, to make things worse for you.

... and you are upset because you raised your VOICE? What? Honey, you are in more danger than you recognise! If he can get his gang members to call people they don't even really know, what do you think they could do to you if they were given the go ahead? Although I don't personally know you, I don't want to see your face on the news as a murder victim! If you think it can't happen, think again dear. It can, and it does! We see it everyday.

You are the number one priority right now. The house, credit, and everything else has to take the back burner for now. You need to go to a safe house. Do you remember how helpless you were when he was choking you? He can and will overpower you. Don't stick around any longer. I really don't think you even get how much DANGER you are in. Please get out!

Out of greenies - again - but... wow! Straight forward, from the heart, brutally honest. Love you, girlfriend!

Out of greenies - again - but ... wow! Straight forward, from the heart, brutally honest. Love you, girlfriend!

Right back at you Jude. ;) You know I've been in this situation, and I didn't even have all of the huge waving red flags that are here. It gets me very upset.

Hey we're here for you :) What you're going through is by no means easy and I can't say enough that I truly feel for your situation but I know you can do this - stay strong and hang in there. You are definitely not crazy... your situation is.

As far as the credit thing goes, I've been in your shoes before. You spend your life and energy trying to be responsible for your own actions and then all of a sudden crap hits the fan and you're left picking up the pieces. Seems like when it rains it FREAKING pours doesn't it? What helped me make it through times like these is the fact that even though your credit is suffering, it is a small price to pay to get out of the situation with YOUR LIFE intact. I personally would rather be alive with bad credit than being dead with a 850 credit score... I'm glad you see this too!

His immaturity and lack of desire to take responsibility for his actions speaks volumes as to his true nature. He is not only delusional, but is trying to take the "victim" mentality in all this. No, what you did wasn't wrong. What HE did was WRONG. I understand your frustration, but remember HE isn't the victim here... YOU are. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he is blaming you. He is completely in the wrong here.

You know, I'd almost feel sorry for your husband but the fact that he continues to downplay the whole physical violence and trying to kill you thing and acts like it isn't a big deal is pretty amazing... really. It just goes to show you how delusional he is about the whole situation and he keeps making this all about HIM, HIM, HIM and what you're apparently doing to him.

You better believe damn straight that this isn't your fault! He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Each individual is solely responsible for their current, past, and future actions. Get out while you still can, seriously.

Right back at ya Jude. ;) You know I've been in this situation, and I didn't even have all of the huge waving red flags that are here. It gets me very upset.


I know - and it's upsetting and frustrating to see the same thing posted over and over again.

Sad. And most of the time the victim thinks it's her fault.

Must be some way to break the cycle... but other than continuing to hammer the same points home, I don't know what it is.

We can talk until we're blue in the face, until she realizes that this needs to stop, she needs to leave, there's nothing we can do.

OP, why did you come here asking for advice? Did you want us to confirm that you're being abused? We did. Did you want us to tell you it can't be fixed? We did. Did you want us to tell you to leave? We did. What more do we have to say?

I know you're scared, but wouldn't you rather be scared and safe then scared and in danger?

This will not end, sitting on your arse and hoping for the best will not solve your problem. You need to act, only you can.

Either get out of there, find your life again or sit back and wait for him to kill you. Those are your options. Personally, the second one doesn't sound so great to me.

Let me put this as bluntly as possible:

If you do not leave, you are committing suicide.

Period.

I have no sympathy for you or ANY of your problems if you don't get off your butt, regardless how scared you are, and get to a women's shelter and divorce your husband. NEVER see him again. Period.

If you choose not to do this, YOU are making the choice to LET him treat you like this. If you stay, then IT IS YOUR FAULT that the abuse continues. He can't hurt you if you're not there for him to hurt.

If you leave, you will find support. You will find people who are better than he is, and people who care for you more than he does--including yourself!

If you stay, you are committing suicide, because he WILL lose control one day, and he WILL kill you.

Blunt is exactly what I needed I guess... because I just don't want to face the truth. Honestly I'm not looking for sympathy for my situation but just answers...

You've all told them to me over and over and over again but I'm still searching for that shred of hope that everything will be okay with us. Everything will be like the good times we'd had and that I wouldn't think about the bad ones and everything could be okay and move forward. I think... he was getting better in how he talked to me... he was considering me more... he was... but it should have never been to begin with. All relationships have arguments but ours was beyond arguments

And then the violence made things go to a whole new level. Things escalated with him when I stopped backing down and he lost "control". He's even said that he choked me to rattle my cage and get me to listen to him... that's not how someone who loves you behaves. Sure, I could have communicated better and sure, I have probably tons of other flaws but I would never physically harm him to "rattle his cage".

You are all correct and thank GOD I don't have children mixed up in this mess! I need to separate from him and move on with my life. Everyone is RIGHT! He even said "if I wanted to kill you I could of but I knew how far to go". Does that sound like someone that is only acting out because they took a "happy pill".

I'm not going to go to a women's shelter because of my animals... but I am going to get out soon and move on with life. I'm the one who chooses to stay in this mess and I'm the one who has to choose to move on...

Thanks everyone and especially those of you who have really told me what's what's and to basically knock off all the Bull$hit! If you don't mind... I will keep you all posted on my progress in getting away from all this... and thank you very much. I never realized when I posted that I would get so much honest support and caring from people I don't even know... something my spouse was supposed to give me...

Thanks Again
LovesAnimals

You knew the answer all along, you know you would give a friend the same support and advice.

You can do this! Start putting it into motion and don't look back. The silver lining will be that you will be stronger and wiser, and you will be able to support other women who find themselves where you once were. Wishing you much strength and courage!

Honey--you can do this! You deserve better than this guy that is hurting you all the time.

If it were your sister in your shoes--what would you tell her? YOU are the best sister you'll ever have--listen to yourself!

All of your other problems, I guarantee you, will sort themselves out and be less overwhelming when you aren't afraid of his reaction to all of them constantly.

Remember--there are people that can help you, even if you don't go to a shelter. The Police Station is a good place to start, or your local social services agency. Heck, even your priest/rabbi/pastor/reverend can help you get a support system in place! You don't have to do this alone!

And--we're here. You are, in essence, the sister to all of us, and we care what happens to you, and want you to be safe, happy and healthy.

I'm going to tell you another short and very true story. I stayed too long in my abusive relationship. Many things in yours ring true to me.

I had once again packed my bags to leave. I knew I needed to leave no matter what. I didn't care anymore about possesions, I just wanted my clothes, and a few things that I needed. I had done it many times before, but was threatened and scared to death.

I almost made it out of the house, when he came driving up. He tried to stop me, but I was able to get my belongings into my car, and jump in. He stood screaming at me and threatening all of the things he had always threatened to do to me if I left. He was chasing me in his truck, and trying to cut me off. I was so scared.

I couldn't stand the sound of the honking and screaming, so I cranked the radio in my car. I swear to God, this song came on that just gave me so much power at that moment!

It doesn't matter what kind of music you like, just please listen to this song and the words to it. It sure helped me, and I hope it does you a little.

YouTube - Chely Wright - Shut Up And Drive (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnLH0YsmUnM&feature=PlayList&p=E9781A80C8328993&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=43)

My blood is still boiling about you thinking of defending him in court. Ok suppose you do, and he get off free, do you think he will thank you for that or something? No, he'll come back to you blaming you for making him waste money on a lawyer in the first place. AND he'll think you're bland and stupid and aren't even able to defend yourself against him. That you can't even carry though with the lawsuit. That he's free to do whatever he wants to you. And for once that the whole abuse reporting machinery has worked (doctor... police.. courts) it would have been all for nothing!
Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

I'm so glad you're standing up for yourself and doing something about this. Please keep us posted - we're a click away if you need us!

My blood is still boiling about you thinking of defending him in court. Ok suppose you do, and he get off free, do you think he will thank you for that or something?? No, he'll come back to you blaming you for making him waste money on a lawyer in the first place. AND he'll think you're bland and stupid and aren't even able to defend yourself against him. That you can't even carry though with the lawsuit. That he's free to do whatever he wants to you. And for once that the whole abuse reporting machinery has worked (doctor...police..courts) it would have been all for nothing!
Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

I know what she is going through. She's so worried about hurting his feelings (the man that says he loves her), that she's not thinking of her own feelings. But yes, when everything falls though and you give back in, he'll turn everything against you and even blackmail you with all this. He may not even want you back after he sees that he has you back, maybe not right away but he'll use it against you eventually. This happened to someone I know. It's a game for him to see if he wins or loses. Stay strong. Don't pay attention to anything he says whether its charming or ugly... they are all ways of him trying to bargain with you or himself. He only wants control back.

So... I'm hanging in there. I haven't made my move yet but I'm staying strong to my beliefs and the "TRUTH" that what he says to me is just that words... Either he truly is delusional and believes what he is saying or he's very manipulative (probably a little of both). It doesn't really matter because I have to remember what he did to me and it wasn't right and the fact that he down plays it and doesn't understand the impact it's all had on me... I am working on getting out and I'm determined to do so no matter what he says...

Everything went down on Friday... The cops came to the door early in the morning looking for him. I came home after my second job... his truck wasn't there... so I just went to bed. When I answered the door I said he wasn't there as far as I know! They searched the house and then found him hiding in the backyard. He must have came home after I went to sleep (he was at a friend's house) so... They think I new he was there so they gave me a citation for obstruction of justice! I don't have money for a lawyer but I'm going to fight it. They have no proof and it's my word against theirs and I'm telling the truth so hopefully the system will work!

Well, he bailed out and came back to the house. I keep telling him I'm not okay with us but I also try not to make him made although he's not dumb enough to do anything with two charges pending... I told him yesterday I couldn't be his support system and he has no idea how all this has affected me... Like everyone has said, there is no reasoning with him on anything!!

I think he feels he's in control at this point because I let him back to the house for now but he is sorely wrong. He talks about jail and prison and how they make criminals out of people and that he's not that guy and can't do the time and needs a lawyer. I tell him to start looking for friends and family to help because I have no money for that and have my own worries now. He says the should be looking for "real killers" which reinforces the fact he doesn't really really believe he did anything wrong. That just strengthens my conviction to move on... there is no going back and fixing things... it's done... just waiting it out now till the right and best time.

We argued yesterday about my tone I use with him and he can tell I just don't want him around. I don't want him to get angry and feel like he's baiting me so I say I'm just angry with everything that's happened and he should understand that. Then it's the "poor me" thing when he says he knows he's caused everything...

Well... sorry for venting :(

I just wanted all of you wonderful caring people to know that I'm okay and that I haven't changed my mind on anything!! This relationship will end and it will be soon!!

Thanks again for all your caring and support!

LovesAnimals...

Please be VERY VERY CAREFUL! This is going to sit and resinate in his mind, and he will know he is going down, and once he realises he has nothing to lose, he IS going to take that out on YOU, if you are still around. I can see this like a movie in my head. He blames this on you, and he will make sure that before he is locked up, that you pay for "what you've done to him!"... which we all know YOU haven't done A THING!

You really do need to make your plans... and fast! Stay safe, and look out for YOU! Find your animals a safe place in the meantime. There are many people I'm sure that would be willing to foster them for a short period. I know this is all very hard, and I know you don't want to be without your animals, I totally understand that. Just find a safe place for all of you as soon as you can PLEASE. This is NOT going to be a happy ending if you don't. He's already got you involved and has caused charges to be pressed against you. It can only get worse from here on.

Take care of yourself!

This is as clear as black and white there is no gray area LovesAnimals... listen to us! Get out now, please!

Stringer

I know everything in my being does agree with you, Stringer. Your voice along with everyone else sounds very loud and clear to GET OUT NOW!

Each day I'm closer and closer to that step. I am looking at the braod picture of everything and what steps to take to make sure I am safe. That's the most important thing to me right now... do what it takes to be safe.

I am moving on the 11th-12th and I'm planning it all without him. I will be scheduling the rental truck and moving help next Monday and from now until the 11th it will just be working and packing.

I have actually stopped worrying about him all of the time... hard to believe but I've reached that point now. I have to look out for me first and for most, like everyone has said. I have pictures of what I looked like after he choked me and I requently look at them now to remind myself of what he actually did! I tend to forgive and forget a bit too easy sometimes.. most of the time. I looked up the charges I got and the max is $1000 fine and up to a year in jail! They don't have any real evidence and I am the victim in everything so I think they will go light or drop the charges all together. I will be contacting the county for a Public Defender on Monday as well...

Thanks for your continued support, allowing me to voice my concerns, and being straight with me. It's been a slow process but I am getting to where I need to be...

They will not go light on him, nor should they. Hopefully you have decided that it is in your best interest to assist with the charges. What is your reasoning for contacting the Public Defender?

Does your husband know where you are moving since he was once invited? Will you cave when he has no where else to go?

Leave him ,he doesn't love you ,he never has and he never will

Justwantfair... he is facing much more than $1000 and a year in jail with the two felony charges they have against him. I got charged with obstruction of justice although I didn't know if he was there or not for sure when they came and scooped him up last week. The cops thought I was lying so therefore charged me! I'm contacting the public defendor to help me on my charge... not his. He's looking for a criminal lawyer for his (which I am not helping with and want to know nothing about).

Yes.. my husband does know where the new house is... but he's never been there and technically he is not allowed to live there. I am the only one on the lease. Honestly I don't know if I'll cave but for my sake I certainly hope not! I don't think keeping on like we are is good for either one of us...

Batman76... I know you are right and I see that more and more every day with him. Deep down even after only a year or so of marriage I felt that way. I always kind of felt like I was his jackpot or cash cow not a partner. So many times he's said he'd get a second job but I've never seen it happen and there were always so many exuses... now he doesn't even have one! I know it's hard out there but... What happened to the job his old boss promised him about a week ago so he says? Why hasn't he started? All empty promises that shows that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself.

When I don't spend time with him I see things so clear and then POW he gets in my head... or at least that's how it's been, not anymore! I really do know the truth and I guess I always have but didn't want to see it... sucks...

Yes, I knew that you meant you were getting a public defender for the charges the cops placed on you. He put you in this position. My gut says you really did know he was there, and you were covering for him. I'm not judging you, but I think you know I'm right. It's okay, I get it. Just NEVER do that again for him, or you really will be in trouble... and for what? DO NOT protect him anymore! See what kind of mess he has gotten you into now?

Get out those pictures of your face. Carry them with you! Look at them over and over, whenever he says something to you, and you feel him getting into your head, pull them out and take a good look! He's knows he can get to you. He knows the words to say. He knows the things to do. Don't fall for it! You know you can't! You know he won't change anything for you. You know he will hurt you again, and it will be WORSE next time. He's got nothing to lose now! So keep on bringing out those pictures, and remind yourself that you got off easy this time! Next time he will mess you up even more. He won't care, because he knows he's going down anyway, so one more charge won't mean much at all to him!

Get your public defender, get your plan in place, and get your life back. Believe me, it will be so much better once you can see it more clearly, and he is gone... gone... GONE!!

YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO IT! We will all be here for you when you need someone to talk to. We can't be here for you if you're not here!

hi, baby you not hurting him, you hurting you, you need to think about your life and how much you love you sometimes we can be in so much love or (lust) that we can forget about our self.hon you have to pick your head up and dont let that man let you fell like there is no one out there better for you. baby girl this is this you need to fall on your knees and ask god to for give you. after that prayer:LORD I SURRENDER TO YOU HELP ME TO OVER COME THIS LORD I KNOW YOU SAID THAT WHAT I HAVE PUT TOGETHER LET NO MAN TAKE APART LORD BUT I MUST SAY I HAVE HAD ENOUGH LORD I LOVE YOU LORD I WILL SURRNDER TO YOU LORD. GUID ME THREW THIS LORD WHEN YOU TAKE ME OUT THIS LORD YOU WILL MAKE ME WHOLE YOU WILL HELP ME TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE. LORD HELP ME HELP ME I NEED YOU LORD HELP ME IM CALLING ON YOU LORD DEPENDING ON YOU KNOWING THAT NO ONE CAN HELP ME BUT YOU I LOVE YOU LORD PLEASE HELP ME AND HELP ME TO PUT ME TOGETHER. SAY LORD I ACCECPT YOU AS MY PERSONAL SAVER IN CHRIST LORD PLEASE HELP ME OUT OF THIS AMAN....... when you pray that prayer you need to say it with a clear heart. When you pray ask GOD to just help your heart to be strong sometimes we hold on to things that GOD want us to let go so he can come threw. baby girl let him go so GOD can send you a blessing sometimes we are like baby's when god tell us no we saying yes."SO" what GOD do he let us do it just to let us see now GOD want you to come back and let him guide you threw baby girl stop running you dont need to be going threw that. stop and let the burting go. It may be hard but with christ it shall be done let go and let GOD this battle is not yours it the lords. love you keep your head up i hope you take heed to this message.


You apparently have issues because you've felt the need to post your religious message all over the board, in all categories, all subjects, never answering a question, always preaching.

As I said - you very obvious have some issues yourself. Why don't you post on the religious threads?

(It would be helfpul if you could actually spell "Aman," by the way.)


Otherwise - you DID read that this woman is subjected to physical violence, right?

Hi... I just wanted to post so all you caring people know that I'm still here and trying to do the right thing for me.

I'm moving in two weeks and as of now he is still going with but that is most likely going to change. The lawyer said they will issue a restraining order on him so he won't be able to be around me which is actually a blessing in disguise. Since I won't help myself... I'm glad the system is designed to ;)

I'm have been still helping him financially as of yesterday but I'm frustrated and stepping back. I have read through everything everyone has posted and really am taking it all to heart and thinking logically.

This last weekend he had my head so twisted around that I thought I was the bad person! I saw his violent nature come out again when he was pounding on the door of the bathroom for me to come out. I know I'm not a saint and I never wanted him to go to prison but enough is enough. Enough of the poor me (speaking of myself... ) I think he can't survive on his own without me but he's proven he can do what it takes when he needs to, which angers me! He is not a well person behaving the way he does but then again I'm not a well person for continuing to subject myself to all this when I'm really not bound by anything a lot of women are bound by... 1) NO KIDS 2) NOT BOUND FINANCIALLY but yet I stay because I love him. But my counselor and you have helped me realize it's not a healthy love for either of us.

This is not really a great time for me to leave him high and dry but when will be? Self preservation mode is starting to creep in and I keep telling myself that yes I guess I am being selfish putting myself and my needs first but what has he done to earn the right for me to continue to put him first?

I know I've said I was on the right path before but now I truly believe I've reached that point. I know I'll grieve not having him in my life but it will pass and my life will again become my own ;) It's time...

I will reach out if I need you but if nothing else promise to keep you posted. I know everyone is sincerely concerned and don't want to leave you wondering.

Thanks again,
LovesAnimals ;)

You are not thinking logically, you are thinking with your heart still and I would hazard to guess, with plenty of fear still.

You have made some great strides, but you haven't broken free from him, and I realize that is a difficult thing to do, but you really need to take that last step. It is scary, I know... you start thinking of the what if's, how things used to be when they were good, how you think they still might be... even if you won't admit it, what will the future hold. It's an abusive relationship, but it is what you know and there is a semblance of comfort in that aspect of it. That is holding you back from taking the final steps you need to.

If you are having him move with you, what in the world is the point of a restraining order?? I don't know what anyone else can tell you, you seem to be stuck at this point. I can understand that, but at the same time, I wish you would reconsider, at the very least, of having him move with you.

I know it can often taken women numerous attempts at ending an abusive relationship. I wish you well... keep us posted.

Hi...

I'm just posting a note that nothing has changed in my life as of yet because I'm the only one that can really change things. DoulaLC is absolutely right that I'm not thinking logically still :(

I'm going to see my old counselor tonight that had gotten me on the right track and the confidence to ask him to leave the first time. He knows both of us because we had done couples counseling with him almost 3 years ago. He is a firm believer as all of you are that we should not be together.

I really don't want to be the victim any more but I'm stuck in a rut! I tell myself it's done and then I don't have the guts. I even question if I have to have drama in my life to feel whole or something because why on earth would I still be in the situation I'm in. I'm not mentally well and I know that... but I need to know how to fix it too! I know there is no "magic pill" or "wand" that can be waved...

I move this weekend and then the following week he goes to court for the first time. The lawyer stated they will most likely issue a restraining order. I think a good step for me is to insist that we go along with what's issued because I don't want to get into any more trouble and him staying with me would be breaking the law! It's bad enough I have to fight and obstruction of justice order in a month or so. My boss said my job wouldn't be in jepordy with the current charge but to be very careful going forward because eventually this whole situation could :(

Well, don't want to ramble but just wanted to let everyone know that things are sinking in although it's a very slow process for me... I think looking up strangulation online and just reading about stuff helps me understand how serious everything really is. Instead of telling myself it isn't true and just going on in denial.

On step at a time and baby steps... seems to work best for me and seems the safest road. I'm really banking on that restraining order in all honestly.

Thanks again...
Loves Animals

I think you have clear eyes - while I might not handle things the way you are, you are moving forward at your pace and, as I said, with clear eyes.

I wish you well. PLEASE keep us informed because I'm sure we are all worried about you.

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3

No talking! There is NO ROOM for talk here! Telling him to stop is NOT going to get him to stop. Are you suggesting she should stick around and wait to see if he is going to stop, just because she told him too?. because he won't! He will not stop, and he WILL do it again! You don't ASK an abuser to stop, you LEAVE! It also isn't a question of "may not" being so lucky... it's a guarantee!

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3


Did you read the thread before you responded?

Hi everyone... I haven't forgotten to keep you updated but there isn't much that's changed in my life right now.

I couldn't see the one counselor I was seeing because it was through work and I only had 6 sessions with her. So, I made an appointment with the guy I was seeing before that. He said that he didn't think he could really help me that much and what I needed to do was attend group sessions for ADV. He didn't refuse to see me any more but didn't know how he could help. He could talk until he's blue in the face but if I don't take his advise... well...

It's been two weeks and I haven't went to a group but I still plan to. I moved this weekend and geesh... I hate moving. And yes... he moved with me :( I couldn't have done it on my own and I wasn't ready. We've actually been getting along pretty good but I think it's because we have had a focus... the move. I know there are still problems and they are all mine :( I'm not blaming myself, but they are my issues and well justified ones! I still don't feel any desire for intimacy with my husband and don't think it will ever be there. I'm back to feeling very confused.

Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but... he says he doesn't know how saying he'd be the one in trouble... His first court appearance is coming up next week and then we'll find out about the restraining order and also how things are going to go...

I've been off work (both jobs) so I'm trying to get back into things right now... aargh... So I'm ignoring all the major stuff and worrying about the little stuff. Not a good way to be but it's self preservation mode and that's what helps me I guess..

Well, that's my crappy update and I'm sorry to disappoint with no action but one step at a time... although I feel myself starting to cave and slip...

Your counselor is right. He can't help you if you're just going through the motions. You are in so much denial that you just can't see what is happening, and what WILL HAPPEN if you stay with him! It's ONLY a matter of time, and you WON'T even see it coming! Trust me, YOU WON'T!! Do you have a death wish?

He is 100% WRONG about the restraining order! It works BOTH ways! You can go to jail for violating the restraining order, just the same as him!! Is he worth going to jail for? You are in so much danger continuing to stay with him, and for what? For a man that beats you, lies to you, is likely going to jail, and will take that out on you! You aren't going to be feeling so well when you are either sitting in a jail cell, a hospital bed, or maybe a morgue!! If you think that is far fetched?. it's NOT!! You are also isolating yourself from the world. You're not even working anymore, which means that you have to reley on him for money right? That is what he wants! You are playing right into his hands, and he KNOWS IT!! PROTECT YOURSELF, OR YOU MAY NOT LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

Hi everyone....I haven't forgotten to keep you updated but there isn't much that's changed in my life right now.

I couldn't see the one counselor I was seeing because it was through work and I only had 6 sessions with her. So, I made an appointment with the guy I was seeing before that. He said that he didn't think he could really help me that much and what I needed to do was attend group sessions for ADV. He didn't refuse to see me any more but didn't know how he could help. He could talk until he's blue in the face but if I don't take his advise...well...

It's been two weeks and I haven't went to a group but I still plan to. I moved this weekend and geesh....I hate moving. And yes...he moved with me :( I couldn't have done it on my own and I wasn't ready. We've actually been getting along pretty good but I think it's because we have had a focus...the move. I know there are still problems and they are all mine :( I'm not blaming myself, but they are my issues and well justified ones! I still don't feel any desire for intimacy with my husband and don't think it will ever be there. I'm back to feeling very confused.

Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but....he says he doesn't know how saying he'd be the one in trouble... His first court appearance is coming up next week and then we'll find out about the restraining order and also how things are going to go...

I've been off work (both jobs) so I'm trying to get back into things right now...aargh... So I'm ignoring all the major stuff and worrying about the little stuff. Not a good way to be but it's self preservation mode and that's what helps me I guess..

Well, that's my crappy update and I'm sorry to disappoint with no action but one step at a time....although I feel myself starting to cave and slip...

I reread this three times looking for the one step forward. All I see are steps backwards.

No talking! There is NO ROOM for talk here! Telling him to stop is NOT going to get him to stop. Are you suggesting she should stick around and wait to see if he is going to stop, just because she told him too?...because he won't! He will not stop, and he WILL do it again! You don't ASK an abuser to stop, you LEAVE!! It also isn't a question of "may not" being so lucky...it's a guarantee!

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

You have to read the whole post, she doesn't need hope for an unabusive future. She is with a man who will kill her and almost has. She is just waiting for the next explosion, hoping that it isn't the last explosion.

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

Well then you are one of the lucky ones. Please don't encourage her Shaz, or make her think her situation will end up like yours, because there is a very slim chance that it will. Shoving and throwing things, although not right, is a lot different than what is going on in this situation at all! This situation is dangerous.

You are stuck and only you can change that. You just don't want to push yourself to take the last step. No one can help you with it, it has to come from you.

Stop listening to him... of course he is going to say what he thinks will allow him to stay and keep you in the relationship... after all, it has worked so far hasn't it? End it... kick him out... move out yourself... see yourself with a new life that is free from fear, heartache, and pain.

There is no more advice anyone can give you that you haven't already heard... you are simply choosing not to go through with it.

Perhaps it will take one or two more hits, chokings, or threats of harm before it sinks in enough... how many will you need before you decide you are worth so much more and deserve better? Women die every single day at the hands of a "loved" one. I just hope it won't be too late for you... that you will be one of the lucky ones that gets away.

I wish you well... I truly do.

Well then you are one of the lucky ones. Please don't encourage her Shaz, or make her think her situation will end up like yours, because there is a very slim chance that it will. Shoving and throwing things, although not right, is alot different than what is going on in this situation at all!! This situation is dangerous.

Yes it is dangerous but I'll stay out of this one :)

Honey--

Get out before he rapes you and you get pregnant from it---and then you'll REALLY be stuck.

Moving was to be your BREAK with him, your place that he didn't know about.

You've taken several steps backwards here, and none forward.

I have followed your thread here and its like reading my diary from 20 yrs.ago.

Legally,at least in N.Y. if you have an order of protection against someone and you *allow* them to live with you,you are in contempt of that order.Also,it nullifies the order.You could be in legal trouble for it.

Letting him live there is not only dangerous for you emotionally and physically,it is also legally negating the order.

I read your post and I see things like*it was actually pretty good this week-end*.
You are living for those rare moments when life seems normal and all is good.
In the back of your mind ,you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.Because you know it will,the only question is when!

I nearly lost my life and I was hospitalized too many times but I went back. He was a drunk.When he was sober,nicest guy ever,drunk a total a_ole.The problem was I lived for the sober moments.Just like you are living for the rare little bones he throws you to keep you under his thumb.

You need to wake up and understand your life is going to remain this way until you get him out of it.For good.No more chances ,just accept that it has to end.

Look at what it is the you are so afraid of and face that fear.Clearly,you are a survivor.Take that strength that you have and use it to have a life of quality.That you deserve!

I know when you get beaten down ,you feel like a piece of crap worthy of nothing but that is not the case.You are a human being and you must honor yourself.

Get to a woman's shelter and talk to the people there and make the move to have a life! My dear,you are so lost you need the help of trained people to help you find yourself.Go to a battered woman's shelter.Embrace the wisdom of their knowledge and use the tools they will give you to lead an independent life that is rewarding and what you deserve.

Yes it is dangerous but I'll stay out of this one :)

Shaz, go read pages five and six, and look at now. LovesAnimals, I suggest you do this also.

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.


Wow - got to disagree. He abused you "a little"? What does that mean? And you say he was angry at the time, as if that's an excuse. He shoved you and threw things "in your direction"?

And if it ever happened AGAIN you would leave him.

Maybe it's me but I would have been gone the first time.

I am not specifically addressing you but I never understand that a woman's self esteem is so low that she ALLOWS this to happen. Maybe I've seen too much of it when I'm working. I don't know. I do know that a lot of men start on their wife/partner and then move on to the kids.

Once the "a little" language creeps in, minimizing the behavior, I get concerned.

LoveAnimals, I think your listening to everyone advice but not following it. Your counselor even pick up on that. It's going in one ear and out the other. I don't know what it will take for you to listen but I hope you do before it's too late.

I don't know what you meant when you wrote this in your update "Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but." Are you letting your abuser move in with you in your new place? If so, doesn't that beats the purpose of moving?

It sadden me to see your not strong enough to leave the situation but rather stay for whatever reasons you have. Don't be afraid to leave be more afraid of staying.

You should've been to a DV shelter a long time ago and they have everything you need there.

In the end people can tell you want you need to do but it is up to you realize it-and you still haven't yet. Hopefully you do before it's too late.

You need help, and its not from him. He is just covering his own a$$ until his court date, and then I'm afraid it will be a different story. Please listen to the people here who really care, and are afraid for you.

Abusers are notorious for behaving well, when faced with a loss of their freedom.

Liz28 you are abosolutely right... as well as everyone else! I am listening to everyone's advise, just not following it :(

I don't know what's wrong with me?? I can't see the one counselor any more and the other one said he really can't help me if I'm not going to take action on what he suggests. He didn't say it that blunt but I know that's what he meant. He said he's always there for me if I need to make an appointment though...

My husband had court and now is awaiting the meeting with his lawyer and DA that go before the preliminary trial.

When I went to the Dr. I don't know if I mentioned that they tricked me to come back and then had a sheriff waiting for me and I made a statement and pictures were taken. I was so upset and scared at this point I just blurted out anything and everything! Told them about both incidents and that he was monitoring my calls and just everything but I didn't tell my husband about the Sheriff (at least me talking to him). Apparently they taped what I said without my knowledge! Also I didn't sign any statements but I guess that doesn't matter.

My husband was so angry with me and his lawyer even told him not to tell me any of this stuff thinking I was working with the cops... which I'm not.

I'm safe and my husband said he is mad and sad over everything. He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison...

All I ever wanted was to be treated with respect and to love and enjoy life... with him... But why am I kidding myself right? That will never happen. How can I forgive and forget what's happened... I never will truly. I didn't do anything wrong really except lie to him about talking to the sheriff. I didn't what anyone scared and confused would do... I was protecting myself. I thought he would kill me... I trusted before that he'd never lay a hand on me no matter how mad he got and he proved that wrong so how can I trust anything?

My life is such a mess and I'm the only one that can fix it although I just don't have the strength. I know I'm pathetic and weak and I hate myself for that... and that I just don't understand. I have to let him go... but my heart hurts thinking that... I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

Unfortunately, this is not the case. You're not happy with yourself.

Until you come to the realization that you MUST protect yourself and your safety, you will not be happy.

When you realize that above all else, your safety comes first, you will be happy with yourself, and therefore, happy without him.

This man is toxic. You know it. Until you take action to rid yourself of him, you will not be happy.

I wish I could help you more...

Don't beat yourself up because even though your feelings are sad and hurt now, as you heal, you will see that actually it's a good thing things have worked out the way they did, so you can have a chance to move ahead with your life and get healthy, as you get back to loving yourself and making yourself happy with who you are. It will take some time for all that to come about.

I'm safe and my husband said he is mad and sad over everything. He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison...

Well, here we have just some more munipulation.

Do you think if he continued to berate and abuse you before you get up on the stand, that he believes that you will speak on his behalf? No.

So he is sweeting you up, honey, come take care of this... tell them how much you love me, what a great man I am, how I just made a mistake... tell them how upset you were at the Doctors so you spoke out of anger...

That is all he wants you for right now. He isn't going to get it by treating you the way he normally would. He will only get what he wants out of you by sugarcoating how he feels.

You are in such a dangerous situation! Please open your eyes.

Lovesanimals:

In the May 2009 issue of Glamour there is an article on page 167 called "An Open Letter to Rihanna".

Please read it. If you need me to, I will cut it out of my issue and send it to you.

You are not alone. You are not a failure. You just can't be a butterfly until you break out of the coccoon you've wrapped yourself in.

You are stronger than you realise... look how far you have come so far!

Look at the steps you have taken to free yourself from a life of walking on egg shells, watching what you say and do, wondering how he will react... worrying about his feelings, thoughts, actions, words, and anger.

You are almost there... stay the course. His words will only confuse you as he tries to make you feel guilty for saving yourself and having the sort of life where you can feel safe from harm and worry.

Stop listening to him... do not read any messages he sends... delete them, do not listen to any phone messages or return calls.

The relationship is over... it is done... you owe him nothing. Time to pick yourself up and move forward knowing you are doing something so powerful, so strong, so incredibly life changing!

You get to be whoever you want to be... think how you want to think... do what you want to do... say what you want to say... it is truly a wonderful place to be... and it is within your reach... take it and hold onto it...

I am attaching a link to the above referenced Glamour article.

It is an eye opener.

An Open Letter to Rihanna: Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com (http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/04/an-open-letter-to-rihanna)

Although there may be more letters if you Google it.

My life is such a mess and I'm the only one that can fix it although I just don't have the strength. I know I'm pathetic and weak and I hate myself for that...and that I just don't understand. I have to let him go...but my heart hurts thinking that... I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

What a bunch of garbage. I have just read through 11 pages of this thread and you have certainly had some negative experiences. But you are taking steps towards freedom, and doing it with strength. There's nothing pathetic or weak going on here so it's time you start accepting that. It's time to start telling yourself the truth, what you have done so far is something weak and pathetic people don't do.

As for not being happy with him but not being happy without him what you really are is fearing loneliness. It's not him you are going to miss. But let's assume no other ever comes into your life. In a year from now won't the you that is in the future thank the you now for making this decision to better your life? Once you get over the hump you'll look back and say you are happy to be without him.

You know what I realize LoveAnimals? When you think negative you start believing it.

Stop thinking your pathic and weak. Start thinking the opposite. Start saying you are strong and can conquer anything then maybe your start believing it and feeling it within yourself. So replace negative thoughts with positive ones because you can overcome anything.

Change your phone number so you don't have to hear these ungly untrue words this guy is sending you. He is sh~t and he knows it and he trying to make you feel like sh~t. This is why guys with his character do.

No more gulity parties to yourself because you did nothing wrong, he did. Right now he is scare because we already knows where he is heading and guys in jail don't like abusers. He will get a dose of his own medicine.

Time to start loving you and taking care of you.

This is a very hard thread to read for me.

I wish I could come to where you are and help you personally.

I understand how you feel.

NO, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG BY TALKING TO THE SHERIFF OR ANYONE ELSE IN AUTHORITY. But I understand why you feel guilty about it, and scared.

My ex was through the roof furious when I had him arrested.

I moved in with family for eight weeks. He did not know where I was. I still had to go to work. I even parked where I thought he wouldn't find my car. But the bolts on my wheels of my car became mysteriously loose. So loose my tire came off. I wrecked. I can't prove he did it. But I know he did.

Then, suddenly, he's Mr. Wonderful. Master manipulator.

I once thought I was pathetic, too. I was lost in what to do next. The police helped me. The courthouse helped me. My friends and family helped me, after they got over the shock. They thought he was Mr. Wonderful. Had no idea he was a monster. He wasn't always that way. I met him in high school. Grew up close to his neighborhood.

The abuse escalates. Starts so slowly, sometimes you don't even realize it's happening. Actually, you're just in denial that it's happening and start making excuses for it.

I divorced him. It's a very long story. I have come a long way.

You can do this.
You are going down the right road now. Do not give up. It may get worse before it gets better, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. First of all, you will be alive. Second of all, you will really LIVE.

Please take care of yourself and take the advice of those trying to help.

You are all right and I know this... when I think negative I am negative :( When I start believing in myself I feel better about myself.

I've realized that with me, I don't think it's not that I can't survive on my own because I know I can... And that it's not that I need someone (HIM) in my life to feel complete because he gives something to me... My problem is that I don't feel like I'm worth anything unless I'm helping someone else. Isn't that a major red flag for co-dependecy? It makes what the counselors say make sense. I should be able to fee that same completeness by taking care of myself!! But then I feel selfish... I've just got to work on getting over that. Until I really take a hold of treasuring myself and seeing myself as important I am never going to free myself of this life...

Okay... so I've had this reality check but now I've got to apply it to my life and I'm starting to. I just feel so guilty that we are still living together and he seems to believe that everything is going to be just fine. We just don't think about things the same way so he'll never understand what I'm going through... and I won't understand how he feels truly I guess. How can he really honestly think that me telling the sheriff and Dr what he did the same as what he did? Or me not talking to him the same thing? Thinking about these things makes me not be able to forgive him...

Which I think is a good thing because he's proven time and time again that he really is not changing... just masking... I'm kind of going with the flow of things and putting out fires as they occur right now biding my time to see what comes out for the court stuff. He goes back for the Felony Hearing in a month or two and my court date is about three weeks away... They have my statement (unsigned) and pictures but also a contridicting statement but there is a really good chance he'll be convicted. If that happens I'm going to take what's handed to me and get out... Maybe he'll change while locked up and we can take things slow when he gets out but not being married. Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF) and forget all about that sinario though...

I'll let you know how things play out and how I'm doing. Believe it or not, your comments and continued support have really helped me. My counselors have bailed on me because I haven't taken any major steps to get away and it's just been really nice... thanks to everyone!!

LovesAnimals...

I still don't understand why you feel the need to stay with him until the hearing? Leave now.

You can't change him but you change yourself and work on yourself for an overall change from within.

I am glad you appreciate the advice given to you but I wish you would use it instead of just listening to it. A change should have been happen and everrything else could be sorting out through counseling.

Maybe he'll change while locked up and we can take things slow when he gets out but not being married.

I don't know what more we can say...

We can't help the people who will not help themselves.

It's hard to care about people, who show so little care for themselves.

There isn't a miracle in your future.

Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF)
You know what you must do.
Are you waiting for him to force your hand?
Putting out little fires,waiting for the mother of all fires to come?
What a rotten life you are choosing for yourself.

If it makes you feel better about yourself, or more worthy, to help someone else, then volunteer at a woman's shelter... the pound... a soup kitchen... salvation army or goodwill center... a local outreach program... teen pregnancy crisis center... a church organization... get a kitten or a puppy if you need to take care of something... but don't continue to make him your pet project.

You aren't going to "fix" him and make him better. He has to want to do that himself and do the work himself... but, first he needs to realise that he NEEDS to make a change. He doesn't need you to continue to submit to his whims... you are not truly helping him at all if you continue the way things have been. He is at a stage where he needs the shock of reality that what he has done is unacceptable and against the law. YOU can't do that... only a judge can do that. You would help him best by allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions. Only then would he maybe be able to turn his life around in the future... otherwise you doom any other woman he may form a relationship with to the same treatment you have experienced.

No more being wishy washy about it... don't let yourself slide backwards. You can offer so much to other women who are going through the same type of situation... you now, unfortunately, have first hand experience. That can allow you to be so helpful to many women that will sadly go down the same path after you. THAT should be your focus if you want to contribute and help someone. THAT will make you feel worthy by far... you would truly be saving people's lives... often quite literally! Make this awful situation something that can be productive and fruitful... turn it around to make you stronger and wiser.

That, my dear, would truly be worth something.

Glad you're still checking in!

Sorry to hear you're still living with him.

I just wanted to say some things for you to think about:

When you go to court for your obstructing justice, they will either see it as your fear of him and dismiss it or they won't and you pay a nominal fine. It's not a big deal in the whole scheme of things.

When he goes to court he will have to state his address on the record, so will you. Are you two going to lie about that because of the restraining order?

Another thing, when it gets in the record that you are willingly living with him, how do you think that will look?

You are using this hearing as an excuse to put off the inevitable. You have to end it with him.

Besides, court dates are continued and moved up all the time, sometimes at a moment's notice. Some criminal cases, where I live anyway, are not heard for nine, ten months. Just one continuance after another.

So what happens after the hearing? Do you think he'll be hauled off to jail that instant? Maybe not. His lawyer may ask that he be out on bail pending appeal. Then what? You and he both go home after you just got done testifying about what he did to you (and please don't even think about lying about that because everyone in the room will already know the truth!)?

So how's it going to be then? Better have a plan to get away from him before the hearing!!

Do you realize he and his lawyer are planning on making you look like a liar? They will confront you with your story of the choking being a sex game. It's all right to admit that was a lie . That just proves your fear. You're covering up for the abuser. Happens every day. It's almost to be expected.

When that day in court comes, think of it as your day for closure, your declaration of independence. Your day to rise up and be the strong woman you know you are. You go and you tell the absolute truth.

He is going to be oh, so sweet up until the hearing. Stay strong.

I don't know if you've ever mentioned moving back to where you're from, but is that an option? Put MILES between the two of you. You'll get another job. You have no children that depend on you---except him. Move away from him and start over!

"He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison..."



WOW what a shocker he blew up on you huh?? Wonder why? Oh wait your still living with him & protecting him no wonder he's still the same.


I'm sorry everyone.


But this makes me lose my cool a bit. I know damn well that your living with him probably telling him that YOU will cover for him nearly KILLING YOU. You feel guilty that he might go to prison! His family is helping him with the fee's and what not. Do you HONESTLY think his family knows THE REAL TRUTH about what happened to you? Or did he LIE like he's done to you MANY times before and tell them that it was just "horseplay" HE TRIED KILLING YOU AND SCARING YOU BY CHOKING YOU TO DEATH but stopped in time(thank God cause a lot of women don't have the pleasure of waking up). And now your living with him still?! Did I just read this right??

Your angry because you have to go to court for the "obstructing of justice" Because the police think you were lying? Yet your going to lie about him CHOKING YOU? Horse play right? Its all hear say... *sighs*

The cops have a case on him, LET them do there jobs and put this guy in prison. You say your going to leave him anyway yet you want him to not go to prison... ya thanks GREAT let him GET AWAY WITH NEARLY KILLING YOU. Let this man not get what he deserves and lets just say you guys do divorce & he meets my sister & they get into an argument and he ends up losing his temper and actually KILLS my sister. When along this idiot should have been in jail to sit there and actually have time to think about how your face looked after he broke your vains in your eyes trying to choke his beloved wife. HE NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL. But he didn't go to jail because you felt guilty for his actions. Your not at fault for this he is.

DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS.
How can you sleep in the same bed with this man? You say it was hard moving by yourself so you NEEDED him? Please you do not need THIS man to help you. He is the very low of low and you deserve someone who actually cares about you and not just says they do..

I really hope you do the right thing and not tease him into thinking your staying with him and everything is fine because everyone here knows its NOT FINE, your making it okay for him to abuse you mentally because you are obviously not happy with him.

Would you allow one of your close family members to stay with this man if he had done the same to them? No it makes no sense so please make yourself leave him... the longer you wait the harder it will be to come to terms with what you have to do. He will continue to manipulate you and make you feel worse.

I wish you well..

I spent 15 years with a violent man. Had two children. Left him 10 times, came back 9. I never perceived my situation was that I was a "battered wife". My vision of that was a disheveled looking, beaten down woman. Not a career person, not me!! Then one day, I spoke with a domestic violence counselor. When she began asking me questions, "Has he ever done this, this, this", and I could answer "Yes", to EACH one, it hit me like a ton of bricks... my situation was DEADLY. I was a battered wife. Maybe you are like I was. I was in denial. Total denial. And it could have killed me. We were lucky to get away with our lives.. We had warning from his family the day he was on his way with a gun. You may not be so lucky. Way too Many women aren't. A domestic violence counselor will go to court with you. They will make sure you have a place to be safe before and afterwards. My kids actually enjoyed the shelter! They will help you change your life! Every mile I got farther away from him, the weight literally was removed from my shoulders!! Make just ONE phone call, and talk to a counselor. Just one call, please. Talk to her, just for a few minutes before this court date. If you do nothing else, please do this one thing.

Loveanimals.. Sweetie ,you have a sisterhood here behind you.

We speak of what we have lived and you have got to listen.

NOW I'm not yelling ,I am giving you this link again.
Please listen and do what you know is right.My dear,your life depends on it.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org/)

Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF)

LovesAnimals....

I must say this, I met two wonderful people very soon after I left... Actually make that five!!

I met the REAL me... I had not genuinely laughed in years. The first time I did, it shocked me, the loudness of it! The bellyroll laugh. I am serious... years... I found the person who had been lost since she was 19.
I met my son again... The little boy who had been my best friend, and who went into his shell, and who had become so brooding and sad.
I met my daughter... Who I really didn't know a lot about, as she was Daddy's little princess, waited on hand and foot, and it turns out she is one of my best friends!
I met Jeff. My husband. Kind, loyal, and true. Survivor, too. Soulmate.
I met his two sons, who we raised together...

Do yourself a favor... Get out and meet some new people!!

Start by following that link that was sent and make a phone call!!

I think LoveAnimal might be one of these people that need to see for herself the cost of domestic violence. By maybe visiting a hospital and seeing the battered women or going to a cemetery to see the tombstones of women that didn't get out. Even a trip to the shelter might help. I don't know but you need to see something just thinking outside the box but I saw it on the show "interventions" and this was sad.

I am surprise none of your family or friends had an intervention with you or remove you the situation themselve. Even if they had to drag you out.

Domestic Violence is a difficult cycle to break.

He has spent years breaking you down, to ensure you wouldn't want to leave.

He had to ensure that you saw him as your safety net. Once he had that he could do whatever he wanted.

Start searching for you now. Call the hotline, remember that you deserve better and that you would never treat someone you love the way you are being treated. Find your own two feet beneath you again.

You are in the most difficult position because you allowed him to move with you. You have to get away and re-evaluate your life. You have to make these choices.

Burying your head in the sand is not going to make this situation go away.

I read all your resonses to my last post on Saturday. I got up early and was checking my other email and then checked the one linked to this page and I started crying when I read everything...

I know honestly I'm in a messed up situation. I feel like I'm drowning and losing my mind most of the time. My husband is really not being that bad right now. We are having normal bickering moments like any other couple would... but it just seems amplified to me. I was all set to talk to him on Sat morning when he got up and then we ended up having a good day...

Sunday was a different story but I'm not going to go there, what's the point??

I did take your advise and yesterday at my break time I called ADV. I set up an appointment to speak to a counselor on next Thursday the 14th. I really am going so I can sort through things in my head... I'm more sad, hurt, angry and confused than ever!

My emotions are everywhere! On top of that I'm trying to pull it together at work (and I can not concentrate at all), make it in to my seconde job (did I mention is at a strip bar which messes with my head), not having enough money for the bills, my house forclosing... too much on my plate.

My family would just wisk me away if they could. They are over 2,500 miles away from me and I don't have any intentions on moving back. I like it out here and it makes me angry that I'd have to give that up because of him!

My court date is next Friday and I'm starting to worry about that. I still don't know how to plead? I am trying to contact his lawyer so that I can ask him. The ADV counselor said to just tell the truth. I don't want to hurt his case any more though...

I know the logical choices but man... why can't I make them? Probably because I still love him somehow? That just craziness! If I read everything I've written about what's happened and how he's treated me... I would tell the person to run, run far away... but yet I can't! What is my problem? Well, hopefully the counselor will help me sort through all this.

Today's just a really bad day for me... I've crying off and on and concentrate on anything. I took my anxiety meds and now I'm mellow but also tired...

Anyway, just wanted you all to know I did take the step to call ADV. Thank you for the encouragement and pressure to do so. I don't think I would have done it, if not for all your comments I read on Saturday morning...

Thanks... LovesAnimals

I recommend you print what your wrote here when you talk to the councelor. If you tighten up or forget to mention something show him or her what you are feeling when your somewhat calm.

Anyway, just wanted you all to know I did take the step to call ADV. Thank you for the encouragement and pressure to do so. I don't think I would have done it, if not for all your comments I read on Saturday morning...

You have some work ahead of you but I know you are heading in the right direction.Stay on course and thank-you for listening and keeping us posted.You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Don't you deserve better., and not have to worry about the next time he is chocking you, or shouting at you in front of your friends, and what about if you have kids, would you like your son growing up acting like his father? What kind of life is that?

Question: Why go to counselors if you are not going to take there advice.

I've always said that you can tell a person what you think but it is what this person does with the information you give to them.

My sister daughter is going through the same thing, I'm am praying that we don't get a call saying that she is in the hospital or worse dead. What would you tell your daughter if she were going through this, you would tell her to leave. Some times you have to love some one from a distant.

My grand mother use to tell me that you have to love yourself because if you don't love you, how in the hell are you going to Love some one else. Believe that you can do it on your own, you can't do any worse.

Listen to someone that went through this. When I left I slept on a floor for 8 months, but you know what it was the best sleep I ever had. It was the best thing I ever did. Now me and my daughter are doing fine.

You deserve better. I hope this helps. :o

It is good to hear that you is taking a step in the right direction. Keep us posted.

If he has done it ounce he may well do it again - some peoplejust need to be left alone and too sort out their own anger - I can be the same but would never hurt my gal-
There is a line that gets crossed -

Loves Animals, Thank God you called. I am so PROUD of you for calling. Call and check in with them every day, please, it WILL not be a burden for them, they will be glad you did, glad to know you are still alive. Get to that meeting. They will help you, support you, go to court with you, stand right there with you. You have a place to go to for a new start? 2500 miles AWAY from this man? GOOD FOR YOU, GO GO GO GO GO after court!! Tell the judge you have a place in mind, you are in fear for your life, that the DV people can know where you are and the judge can know but you do not want this man to know and that you want to LEAVE this place forEVER!! Oh please tell this to the DV people ahead of time that you have a safe haven with family!! They can help you!! Like I said before, EVERY mile I put between me and my abuser the load was just so much lighter... Freedom was so sweet!! Let the house go, let it all just go.. New starts can be oh so sweet!! Your life can be reconstructed, as long as you have a life to start with!!

Hello LovesAnimals! Glad to hear from you and very glad to see you made an appointment for the 14th. Please stick to it and go.

I thought maybe you'd want to return home to your family, but as long as you like where you are and are happy there, then you can make it work there without him.

It's good that you're feeling anger at the thought of 'leaving town because of him'. You're starting to see that he cannot and should not dictate what kind of life you're going to lead--only You can and should do that.

I hope you read this before your court date for your own charges, because PLEASE do not trust HIS attorney for advice for YOU. You can plead not guilty and see what happens. It's really not as big a deal as you think. You just tell the truth.

I don't understand your statement about not wanting to hurt HIS case. You mean the case where YOU are the victim? This is what you need to talk to the counselor about. You just tell the truth.

You're an emotional roller coaster and understandably so. The reality of the situation is sinking in now. I understand life seems like a blur. It will be all right. You need support, people to talk to you and listen and ease your fears. You will be fine. I know it's scary. I understand you still love him. The counselor can help you with this, too.

If you get to the point where you are away from him, which I am so hoping you do, then you gain some clarity and peace. You will know you did the right thing and life will be so much more... you'll get there.

Hi everyone... just checking in

My court date is supposed to be coming up but I'm still not on the calendar so I think it's a pretty safe bet it's going to get tossed out. I called the court and they said to just show up and the would stamp the ticket that I was there. One of two things will happen. 1)since they have up to a year to file they could set up a different court date and notify me via the mail or 2) they will just drop the whole case and not file... which I'm hoping for!

I have kept my appointment with ADV and it's only a couple of days away. I almost cancelled but I didn't. I had a very very stressful weekend and start to my week. I'm so tired of being flaky for my second job but when I'm worn out and tired I can't make it in because my day job is the important one (although I do need both).

He is still staying with me for the time being but that could be changing really soon. He has a court date coming up and there he and his lawyer will really get a feel for what he's facing. Well, he's been talking about leaving because he can see what everything is doing to me and how I'm always down and irritated around him... He's been keeping me up off and on all night and even on nights where I have to work the next morning. He thinks people are following him and out to get him and recording what he says or video taping what he does... He's very parinoid right now and I understand his stress because he might be facing prison time but it's almost insane!

I really wish I'd never said anything to the sheriff or the dr or anything and just handled it on my own. Things probably wouldn't be as big a mess as they are right now... My treating him exactly how I feel and letting him know exactly how I feel seems to be penetrating and he's understanding I think. The only thing that bothers is that he's still down playing the physical asult and justifies it while saying my telling the dr is throwing him under the bus and we should have handled it ourselves. His head is all over the place because one mintue he gets it and apologizes and the next he's way out in left field telling me to grow up and deal with things...

Point is that things have turned a little worse at home but I am keeping my appointment on the 14th. And I wanted to share the good news (hopefully) about my court date ;)

Thanks again for your continued support. When I feel confused and weak... I read everything that's been written here...

I thought your update would be a little different.

I am a little confuse to the fact that you hope his case be thrown up. Why? He did what he did and he should do the time. Now he is going crazy sure because jail scares him.

I don't understand why your still living with him and who cares about him being stressed out. Your more important.

He is interferring with your sleep and job, I wouldn't allow this and don't know how you can put up with this.

It's not the doctor fault because he was looking out for you like you should be.

Through it all I think your looking out for him more than yourself and I wish you didn't. Care about you and not him. Worry about you and not him.

I really wish things was different for you and I really don't know what else to say.

How can I be so clear one mintue and so stupid the next? I re-read what I wrote and you are totally right Liz28! OMG... How can I possible think of him more than myself at this point? He's obviously not thinking of me... or else he wouldn't keep me up at night when he knows I need to work.

I have been told that I'm co-dependent but this is ridiculous! I need to figure it the F out and that's why I kept my ADV appointment. I'd also like to attend the group session because the last counselor said that would probably benefit me a lot. I'm also a little scared of his reactions to what I say and do and feel guilty because he's still helping around the house and doing things so...

So what though... Is it worth it?? Mind you I can be very difficult at times but I guess it should be a burning RED FLAG that he still says things like "I was trying to rattle your cage and get you to respond".

I know the lady at ADV will not give me the miracle cure for all this but hopefully point me in the right direction at least.

I guess I still feel guilty for him having to go through all this stuff in court when it could have been handled differently. Yes what he did was incrediably wrong but do I want to see him in prison? No... especially if he's losing his mind! I don't know what I wanted to come of all this? All I know is that I wasn't happy with my life and my marriage and how he treated me. I tried to express this and tell him and it would get better for a little bit and then back to the same old same old.

So one day I had decided enough was enough and asked him to leave and give me space. Instead of triggering real change he tried to control my behavior with fear and guilt and then abuse... which back fired on him. He once said he never thought I would tell the dr. or put him in that position. When I think about that, makes me think that's probably why he did it and thought he could get away with it...

I never wanted him to go to prison but just get better and make things work. Now my head is so messed up over all this and so many conflicting things going on. I know what's right but I hear that plus my heart, my gut, my doubts, and him and everything gets muddy. I keep thinking what if...

Your head would be much clearer if you wasn't living under the same roof as him. Your mind is going stay clouded as long as he is around. So move! Go to a DV shelter like you should've in the beginning.

He is making you feel guilty for actions like everyone stated from the beginning.

The only thing I can tell you is live for your own sanity and stop living on the what if... I hope he goes where he belongs which is jail. Now the doctor is getting the heat for what he did to you but again he was looking out for you.

Leave, leave, leave, leave!

Hi Loves Animals, glad to hear from you and that you're all right.

You stated that he once said he never thought you would tell the doctor or put him in this position. Well... you never thought he'd try to kill you to the point you had to go to the doctor, right? HE put himself in the position he's in, not you. Don't let him make you think you are to blame for any of this. There is nothing under the sun that you could do that would justify being strangled almost to death!

I'm not surprised he's downplaying the abuse and wanted to "handle it yourselves". You can't and shouldn't handle this yourselves. That's crazy. How would you have handled it? You still can't physically separate from him. No. This is what needed to happen.
What he meant was just let him get away with it and keep your mouth shut. You are much smarter and stronger than that!!

Criminal charges needed filed against him because what he did is criminal. Choking someone to the point of almost killing them is criminal. To think he only did it to get a reaction... Come on! That's just sick. He is sick. Once in the system, he may get treatment for his mental problems. He is mental. No one in their right mind treats someone the way he treated and is still treating you.

Don't let him get to you. Is he behaving nicely now? That's because he's scared of jail. You mentioned he's doing things around the house. Well, you know, all husbands should do things around the house they live in! Don't give him credit where none is due!

Forget the what ifs... except for one: What if he kills you? He'll want to handle that himself too. What will he do if he takes it too far next time? Dump your body somewhere?

You mentioned his paranoia. Is he on any drugs? Just curious. My ex was on drugs and toward the end was behaving like you described.

You keep your appointment. Two more days. Go! I think talking with other women who have been in or are presently in a similar situation will do you a ton of good. You'll see. Just do it.

Would you PLEASE remember that someone who tries to kill you doesn't love you?

Who CARES if he goes to jail? He NEEDS to! He can get help there, and maybe it will finally penetrate into his brain that HIS actions put him there, not yours.

YOU need to understand that as well: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
This is completely and totally, 100% HIS fault.

PLEASE stop living with him. Kick him out, go to a DV shelter, whatever---but stop letting him cloud your mind when you KNOW he is not good for you.

Have been thinking about you, please give us an update??

Hmm, I don't mean to be a , but clearly you are psychotic. Can your marriage survive domestic violence? Hmm, let me think. Well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. I was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince you to leave him and hmm, let me see. I guess you haven't. Why am I not surprised? Well no worries, hey, I think you should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke you to death, then you won't have this dilemma anymore because you'll be DEAD. But hey, at least you'll be problem free. So literally, not I don't think your marriage can survive domestic violence, because a marriage consists of 2 people, and when you die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

hmm, i dont mean to be a , but clearly u are psychotic. can ur marriage survive domestic violence? hmm, let me think. well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. i was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince u to leave him and hmm, let me see. i guess u haven't. why am i not surprised? well no worries, hey, i think u should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke u to death, then u wont have this dilemma anymore coz you'll be DEAD. but hey, at least you'll be problem free. so literally, not i dont think ur marriage can survive domestic violence, coz a marriage consists of 2 people, and when u die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

Unless you've walked in her shoes, it's hard to understand why leaving isn't as easy as it sounds. She is not psychotic. He is.

We all have faith in her. You'd have to read the whole thread

I do agree with you. No marriage survives domestic violence.

Hey...

You know what... "deeplydisturbed" is right about me that I am psychotic to some degree. I have to be right? Honestly, I have all you caring people that have been in this or similar situations that are telling me what I need to do yet I continue to not listen. It makes me crazy not understanding why I am acting like I am.

I went to the ADV counselor last week and big big surprise... she told me exactly what everyone hear has been telling me. I know all this but I can't bring myself to end it all so I must be psychotic. I try and try to reason and talk with him but it doesn't work...

Please... something grant me the strength to survive this because I'm really starting to loose. I'm hear at work but can't concentrate. I so done with dealing with everything and his craziness but he won't leave or stop. I just moved so I can't aford to move again... but I was the stupid one that had him move with me because I felt guilty and thought maybe a new start... I have to be psychotic right??

Yesterday he slept all day... which was peaceful for me but then gets up and starts in how I'm a cold heartless because I don't back him. Says I'm a cop caller and on and on and on. I just lay there and don't say anything and then I snap... even though I know it's not in my best interest at all. He's saying he's going to end it all and kill himself and I tell him to get it over with sarcastically cause of course I don't mean it. Then I tell him that I want him to go and I want him to leave that night right now. I get up to use the bathroom and tell him... go... leave... now. He motions to throw the TV controller in my direction and I flinched. Then he lays down and says go call the cops on me... like you did before... and then the name calling starts again. While in the bathroom he ends up falling asleep and then I finally get some rest...

I see now the niceness is only there because he thinks he'll get in more trouble. My question is really a stupid question... "can my marriage survive domestic violence?". The answer is yes if the man realizes that he is doing that and seeks help on his own... but if not the answer is no...

I have so much on my plate right now I just try to take each day at a time... and that's what the ADV counselor said to do but first and for most be safe. I sit here at work with my office closed crying thinking what did I do to deserve this and what did he do to deserve this? If I'd only just talked to him and not shut him out "wanting my space" things wouldn't have escalated to this. He's lost him mind... being out of work, our marriage not good, not happy with his club... and I'm now losing mine.

Thanks for the support and also the slaps in the face. At least one thing worked in my favor. My ticket was dropped so one thing off my plate. One day at a time and one hour at a time if that's all I can handle.

I'm sorry I don't have better news for all of you because you've all been so supportive. I know you've frustrated but please don't hate me. Honestly I'm doing the best I can...

Hopefully when you feel that bottom touch you, you will finally want to get off this roller coaster and stand on some solid and stable ground. You won't care that you are standing empowered in your individuality, you will be relieved that you are no longer enduring that roller coaster even though on the roller coaster you had him in the seat next to you.

Sometimes it is hard to change, even when we know what is best for ourselves. We are scared of the uncertainty of doing something we haven't done in a long time but the fact is one you start taking the steps you will realize you had nothing to fear in being alone. That it is so much better to not walk on eggshells every second of everyday. The relief of being upset and being able to show it without wonder what pain you will endure for your expression of self.

You can relax with alone time that isn't burdened with where is he? What is he doing? What type of mood is he in today? Imagine the peace of going to work and not having all of this garbage weighing on your sholders.

You didn't do anything to deserve this because you don't deserve this. Your husband is a miserable person, probably the most miserable with himself. His solution is to make you feel like garbage/to treat you like garbage and in that way it makes him feel better about himself. That is a coward, not a man and you deserve better for yourself.

Step off your roller coaster, find your solid ground.

The best you can do is life is do the best you can and take it one step at a time.

I've made some bad and other questionable choices in MY lifetime and I always console myself by saying, "I did the best I could under the circumstances, at the time."

Nobody hates you or is disappointed - and it's easy for me to tell you how to act when I'm not in your situation. I hope I speak for everyone when I say we all want you to just be safe - and happy.

You don't need money to stay at a dmv shelter. I think a support group would do you a lot of justice.

Staying in the environment your in is enough to cause you to be depressed and stressed out.

He is trying and will continue to put the blame of you instead of looking in the mirror but it funny how he started winny once he knew he might do jail time because the guys in there would have a good old time with him.

Again for your own sanity leave and go to the shelter. Your be surprise with yourself and wouldn't have to worry about him. You need to leave for you because you come first.

Please...something grant me the stregth to survive this .


You have the strength. You just need to recognize it.

Honey, you ARE strong enough to survive this.

We're all here, we're all holding your hands, and we all care for you. Can't you feel us praying for you? Can't you feel the hope that we have for you?

WE know you can do this! WE believe in you. Why in the world would we be mad or disappointed? Worried about you--of course we are that! But that doesn't mean we don't understand how hard this is, and how much it hurts.

I second the motion of you going to a domestic violence shelter. You NEED to be away from him!

Remember--we're here holding your hand and cheering for you and hoping for you---but YOU have to take the steps. We'll be by your side the whole way, but each step has to be your own.

Sending many caring thoughts and much love and hope your way. Keep your chin up.

hmm, i dont mean to be a , but clearly u are psychotic. can ur marriage survive domestic violence? hmm, let me think. well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. i was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince u to leave him and hmm, let me see. i guess u haven't. why am i not surprised? well no worries, hey, i think u should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke u to death, then u wont have this dilemma anymore coz you'll be DEAD. but hey, at least you'll be problem free. so literally, not i dont think ur marriage can survive domestic violence, coz a marriage consists of 2 people, and when u die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

Wow. I remember all the people who knew I was being abused. I remember the people who loved me that were so frustrated with me, but I don't ever remember being lashed out at that harshly, even though some probably really wanted to!! And probably did behind closed doors! I just remember that I left him 9 times, then the 10th time stuck. It takes support, support, support. If it weren't for the support from the Domestic Violence counselors, going to court with me when I was afraid to go by myself, being right there for me when I needed someone every time, having a shelter when I needed to run to another state, I may have gone back a 10th, 11th, 15th time. Just a question of which one of those times they would have been coming to get my body, instead of me leaving.

The mental control an abuser has over a victim starts very slowly. They manipulate, isolate, and use many tactics. A victim (not only women, even men), end up so isolated, even from family (or at least they are convinced they are over a matter of time), and their abuser has a lot of control over them. They may not even physically abuse them at first, but the abusers behavior scares them in so many ways. Then the physical abuse sets in, after the mental and emotional abuse has been firmly established. At least, that's the way it was for me. Every case is different in its own way.

I guess what I am trying to say is: A victim of domestic violence is not pshycotic. They are not into pain, humiliation, or abuse. They are not even weak. I had in my own head the idea of a "battered woman", and that picture was not me, a person successful in my career, intelligent, with a lot of friends, and respect from my co-workers and the company I worked for. My picture of a battered woman was quite different. Until I moved into a shelter that had even corporate exec. Wives there. People from all walks of life.

This lady is not a hopeless case. No victim is. No one should be written off. She deserves all the support she came here to get. I, for one, and many others will not give up on her. If you come here for support, DeeplyDisturbed, you will get the same support she has been given, I am sure. I do hope you come to have a more open mind while you are here, learning from others life's journeys.

GET OUT OF THERE. Seriously, this is not a healthy place to be and even if he says he sees the error of his ways he obviously doesn't. Love doesn't hurt.
Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. If he loves you he would never hurt you. Not even is he was mad. He sounds like he is very controlling and hurtful. I have been in an abusive relationship and trust me, you have to get out.

You can never really erase the hurt. It is always going to be there. You just have to learn to block it out. But you will never forget. It is unfortunate this has befallen you but keep strong.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Get away, fast as you can, just say you are going shopping or something, then get to a friend or family. File a police report, get your things. I would also personally get a restraining order.

You are going to get hurt badly. This may sound negative, and it may even be true, or maybe it has already happened, but he may go as far as to rape you, which is NOT something you want to go through. I know this from a very good friend of mine, please, just get away from him.

I went through and read all of your recent posts, instead of just the first one. Get out now. You WILL die there. I am sorry, but if you cannot see him for the sorry excuse of life that he is, then you yourself have problems. If he loved you, he wouldn't hurt you. I am just going to be honest with you. In my opinion, he does not deserve life(if what you say is true). Do all that you can to get away. Your mom is very right; you need to help yourself. You have two jobs you say? Find a way back to your family, and get new jobs. He is doing nothing but ruining your life.

I can see where deeplydisturbed is coming from... sometimes it does take a "kick in the pants" to get someone to take action and move forward.

Individuals will have different responses to what they are told. How often are the parents on this site, who have kids not pulling their weight, told to take a tough love approach and put them out if they don't behave how they should? That certainly isn't an easy thing for most parents to do. Most continue to hope things will change, their pleas for change will somehow suddenly become effective, that somehow... after years of this behavior things will end.

Some people will respond better to loving support, compassion, encouragement, "you can really do this, we are behind you", while for others it will take a tough love approach... "stop the nonsense, it can't be done half-way, you know what needs to be done, bite the bullet and do it" before they make a change.

Different approaches hoping for the same outcome.

Loveanimals,

You have to RUN hard right now. You are confused and afraid to leave him since he is threatening you and playing a game with you. He will destroy you very badly, and there is NO CURE for this relationship.
RUN! Be safe! Find a woman shelter if you need help. There are so many hotlines to help women in violence. File a police report ASAP. Please start a new Life!

I can see where deeplydisturbed is coming from....sometimes it does take a "kick in the pants" to get someone to take action and move forward.

Individuals will have different responses to what they are told. How often are the parents on this site, who have kids not pulling their weight, told to take a tough love approach and put them out if they don't behave how they should?? That certainly isn't an easy thing for most parents to do. Most continue to hope things will change, their pleas for change will somehow suddenly become effective, that somehow...after years of this behavior things will end.

Some people will respond better to loving support, compassion, encouragement, "you can really do this, we are behind you", while for others it will take a tough love approach...."stop the nonsense, it can't be done half-way, you know what needs to be done, bite the bullet and do it" before they make a change.

Different approaches hoping for the same outcome.



But my concern is that some people are unable to write without text speak, which makes me wonder about the age and experience of the person responding. Good advice or bad advice this is an 18 year old with a 38 year old boyfriend. Read some of the other posts - enlightening. Lots of ranting and raving, not much sound advice.

Of course, only my opinion - carry on.

I have been reading your posts and I just wanted to tell you my story. I was in an abusive relationship myself.

My daughter's father was really abusive to me. He convinced me to pick up and move to California from Texas (thousands of miles away from ANYONE that I knew). When I turned 18 I got pregnant. My daughter's father was extremely abusive to me. He would smother me (by holding his hand over my mouth and nose) and throw me around while I was pregnant and kick me in my stomach. One day I left him and got on a plane and flew to AL where my family was. I stayed there for three days. My ex was begging me back and swearing to me that he would change and go to counseling and blah blah blah. So, I went back. Only to get beat up and chocked the rest of my pregnancy. When my daughter was born I knew that I had to leave him, but I didn't want to. I wanted to make it work and believed all of his lies to change. He would always suck me back in by making it seem like it was my fault that he beat me up. He would say, "Well, if you wouldn't have argued with me then it wouldn't have esclated." What kind of remark is that? The neighbor's would always call the cops on us when we were fighting. Every time they came I was too scared to say anything to them but they knew what was going on. My daughter's father told me that he would kill me if I told them anything and that if I had gotten him put in jail that he would get out eventually and he would come after me. So, I was too scared to make a police report or put him in jail. One day we had gotten into a huge fight when my daughter was two months old and he busted my mouth open, he threw me into the wall and started smothering me. Then our daughter started crying and then he stopped. So I went to go get my daughter and as soon as I got her he came up behind me and put a knife up to my throat. He didn't do anything and after he calmed down he started crying to me telling me that he was so sorry and that he didn't know what the hell he was thinking. Right then and there I knew that I had to leave. I had no choice.

My next mission was to figure out what I was going to do and where I was going to go. So, I called my mom. She told me that she had already bought me plane tickets to leave him and I went back to him three days later. She told me to figure it out on my own. So, here I was 19 years old with a two month old child in California, far away from anyone that I knew. I had no money because my daughter's father didn't want me to work because he thought that I would sleep with someone at work. How ridiculous is that? So, no money, no friends or family, nothing ecxept for a child that depended solely on me. I went to a church and they got me into a domestic violence shelter. I took as much of my daughter's things as I could and I loaded my car up, I left everything else. (my leather couches, bed, kitchen stuff, my clothes, my purse, everything) When I went to the shelter, they helped me get a restraining order and custody, they also helped me get on my feet and get some of my belongings back (my purse and some of my clothes). I went back to school and got my diploma and I got a job. Then they helped me get into an apartment. They helped me get away from him, they helped me get counseling. They helped me out so much. That was the best thing that I could have ever done. They helped me make a better future for me and my daughter.

My advice to you is to leave him. I know that it is going to be really hard. But, one day you may not have that chance to be able to leave him because he will have killed you. This is not something that you should be taking lightly. This is extremely serious. Many women go back to their abusers multiple times, I know that I did. But, at some point you need to leave for good and never look back. That is what I did. It hurt like hell, espically since he was the father of my child and I wanted to try to make things work for our family. I just couldn't listen to the lies anymore of how he swore that he would change. I couldn't have my child grow up thinking that it was okay for a man to hit a woman. I couldn't keep my daughter in danger. I did it more for my daughter than myself, but I am so happy that I did it. There are many other fish out in the sea, espically ones that don't abuse you and break you down to make you feel worthless. Life is to short to live it unhappy. You need to be happy and you never will until you remove your toxic husband out of your life. You don't want to stick around and wait for him to kill you, because then it will be too late. Good luck and if you need any advice or ideas to get out, just let me know and I will try to help you. I hope that you leave! You will be in my prayers.

As long as he denies his abuse for what it was it is still in him to do it again.
I would be very cautious of staying with him.
You should not have to fear being yourself when it conflicts with his way. He is a control freak and abusive. You are an enabler because he gets his way.

Hi... I haven't posted in a while because I had a very bad week and was actually embarrassed at my behavior and how I'm handling everything...

I couldn't keep it together last week just crying uncontrolably at work, at home... just didn't matter. I called in sick to work. I had no drive at all. I called my Dr. for more Xanx because I was running low. I was so upset when I called (crying) that they prescribed Wellbutrin. I've only been taking it for a little less than a week but I hope it helps... something has to!

After this long weekend I'm in denial, denial, denial... but that touching story of exerience ANB428 and all your posts brought me back towards a reality state! I'm seeing the ADV counselor again tomorrow so maybe she can help me straighten my head out more... My husband and I had an okay weekend but really that's not good enough. From your posts it's help remind me that what he did wasn't okay and I should not be okay with going on with life as is... I'm really realized with my breakdown last week I'm not strong enough right now emotionally.. I'm so mad at myself! I'm hoping the anti depresents help... and the counselor and all you caring people...

I'm safe... and still plugging away at getting things straightened out. You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

Nobody is giving up on you because everyone wants the best for you and overall wants you to be safe.

I'm not giving up on you either. Your state of being would greatly improve when you're away from him, though. You may not think that... I didn't when it was me, but I'll tell you I had never been happier the months after I left him. I couldn't believe how much better I felt, looked and acted. It was an amazing transformation.

Be safe.

Hi....I haven't posted in a while because I had a very bad week and was actually embarassed at my behavior and how I'm handling everything....

I couldn't keep it together last week just crying uncontrolably at work, at home...just didn't matter. I called in sick to work. I had no drive at all. I called my Dr. for more Xanx because I was running low. I was so upset when I called (crying) that they prescribed Wellbutrin. I've only been taking it for a little less than a week but I hope it helps...something has to!

After this long weekend I'm in denial, denial, denial... but that touching story of exerience ANB428 and all your posts brought me back towards a reality state! I'm seeing the ADV counselor again tomorrow so maybe she can help me straighten my head out more... My husband and I had an okay weekend but really that's not good enough. From your posts it's help remind me that what he did wasn't okay and I should not be okay with going on with life as is... I'm really relized with my breakdown last week I'm not strong enough right now emotionally....! I'm so mad at myself! I'm hoping the anti depresents help...and the counselor and all you caring people...

I'm safe...and still plugging away at getting things straightened out. You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

See you shouldn't have to go through all the crying and depression and hurts to have a relationship. Can you really call that love when you feel buried under emotions that overwhelm YOU?
You shouldn't have to be taking anti depressants, you shouldn't have to be running to counselors. You should be out being you and enjoying life and love AND being loved BACK.

You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

There are no quitters here. If you stop and think about yourself and all you've gone through you might start seeing the woman who hasn't quit either. There is strength there. There is strength surrounding you. All you have to do is accept it.

I remember the first time I took an antidepressant. Very soon afterwards was the first time I had actually slept well in years! In a few weeks, I threw my hands up in the air, and gave it all over to God, and told Him wherever He gave me the direction to go, I would go... and He gave me a plan, He gave me some courage, strength, and I swear he gave me a pair of testicles too!! (I carry them around in my purse to loan to people that need them, lol... sending them to LovesAnimals).. So, maybe that Wellbutrin may be her first step towards freedom, as it was mine!!

He everyone...

I'm leaving work here in the next 15 minutes to go to my second job and I went back to reread some of the things I've written and some of the things you have written.

With the new meds I'm a little more even kilter so I'm not a bumbling idiot all the time but I'm still not okay. He still asks me "what wrong" like he doesn't already know. I tell him I'm not okay and he just responds that he's not okay either. Then it's a tit for tat argument from him. I'm just stressed and worn out.

I'm in my early 30's but I feel like I've already lived a lifetime of experiences. Not only do I work two jobs I have to keep it a secret so it's like living two different lives... it's very draining.

I keep feeling like I'm failing him if I don't do right by him. Reading everything I've written and you've written I know deep down that I'm not. He failed himself! But I need to get over that guilt and feeling and once I do then I will begin to heal and so will he. Until then I'm going to be stuck in this limbo just existing. This is what most of you have been telling me in a round about way and straight out!! It finally sunk in today now the big decision of to wait things out for the court stuff of deal with it now...

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I am safe still but my situation has not changed. Sorry to disappoint... but thank you for the continued support. You really don't know how much it really does mean to me. Sounds silly that perfect strangers could have such an affect on me but you really do...

I keep feeling like I'm failing him if I don't do right by him.

How you feel about doing right for yourself?

Your destiny is not tied to another person, it's belongs to you.

I spent many years in an abusive marriage. I lost friends who tried to save me. One couple lived in the same house as us and had directed me to a divorce lawyer and I chickened out. They moved out in disgust. An abusive relationship just takes and takes. You just lose and lose. I even volunteered on a DV helpline to try to force myself to leave. When the dawn finally broke over Marblehead it was when I hit bottom. Even though we'd had knockdown, drag out fights for a long time, it was a slap in the face that ended it.

I write about this in the first chapter of my book that I finally realized that no one has the right to put their hands on you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DO NOT DO.

Abuse is never okay. Its just not. It is possible to leave an abusive situation and lead a happy life.

There is no "doing right "by an abuser. There is only doing right by you.

I don't blame the victim but you get what you put up with. Once I stopped putting up with it, it stopped happening in my life. There is a dysfunctional dance that partners in a DV relationship do and you have to recognize and change your steps in the dance.

Unless and until you put yourself first, you will never break the sick chains of the DV relationship.

You must learn to do right by YOU and you alone. You cannot do right by you AND take care of him and you must never abandon you. NEVER.

Hey, LovesAnimals, thanks for checking in with us. Always look for your posts.

Please don't wait for the court date to leave. I've already posted what could happen. You know that is just your way of putting it off. You need to be away from him and you know it. Do right by you! You are young and could have a wonderful future ahead of you. Don't deny yourself a happy life. Be safe.

Hi, it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything. I am still safe but still not in a good place because nothing has changed in my life. Everything is the same... I've not posted because I really don't want to come across as a whinny "poor me" person.

I've had bad days (where everything is so confusing) and good days (where I see everything with clarity). I know I'm the only one that can change anything in my life but when I get the strength to do it... something always happens (or so I let something else happen).

His court dates keep getting pushed back and postponed. His defense is that I lied at the doctor and to the sheriff but no one will believe that and I can't go into a court of law and lie. I was just told there is no spousal privilege in a case like this though so... I've not been contacted but I'm sure it's a matter of time.

Thank you to all of you for your support when I've needed you. I still will go back and read the messages you've written so far to help give me strength to make it through each day. I really try to look at everything you know?

Well, I just wanted to let you know nothing profound has happened but nothing horrible has happened either...

Thanks,
Loves Animals

When are you going to make a clean break? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?

I don't understand... he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise... why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else?

Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?

When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court... take back your life... on your own terms.

I just came across this post. LovesAnimals, what kind of flowers do you like? You won't leave and he will get more violent, intentions notwithstanding. Rest in Peace.

When are you going to make a clean break?? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?

I don't understand...he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise....why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else??

Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?

When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court.....take back your life....on your own terms.

Your post is a good one and very correct... but that question has been asked of her many times, I believe that it doesn't matter what the reason is that she is not leaving... she just doesn't want to (period).

You will always find a drama that keeps you.
You know there are women's shelters that will get you a new life and away from him where he can't find you.
You are going to end up with any of these results
Looking back and wishing you hadn't wasted your life on this guy
Choked to death or killed one way or another by him
Living the rest of your life with the same mess and not getting anywhere.

Move on the faster you get away the faster you can find your prince
Charming. Trust me I've been through all that and I left and found the man of my dreams.

I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.

All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.

Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.

Thinking about you -

I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.

All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.

Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.

Thinking about you -


No, you're not alone... I agree, certainly there are reasons women don't leave. Many of us here have gone through the same thing or something similar... finding it hard to move forward even though we knew it had to be done... finding excuses not to, holding onto glimmers that things might change, letting our fears hold us back... but there comes a time when a woman needs to make those moves to protect herself.

That time will be different for everyone, but sometimes women need to have a "push" in order to take that last step... to break through the fear of being alone, of wondering how they will manage, of what people will think, the reasons are numerous.

If this were just an unhappy marriage, that would be different, but this involves physical abuse and that makes the stakes much higher.

Hey LovesAnimals, glad to hear from you.

Your last sentence about nothing profound has happened and nothing horrible has happened made me think. You know, you're right. NOTHING is happening in your life. You have to want more.

I understand why you're not leaving. You are overwhelmed with guilt for causing his legal problems. Right? Isn't that what he's been saying? Now you believe it.

I told you the court date would be like that. No definite date.

You can't base any decisions on when to leave on the court date.

Believe me, you do not want to be under the same roof when you come home from court, no matter what the outcome is.

Take care and be safe.

Move, get out

I join the others and ask what exactly are you waiting for? There will always be excuses to stay, you could wait a lifetime because excuses for everything will be there for life?

You have a lot of people pulling for you.

Hi. Guess I have some questions to answer...

What am I waiting for? Honestly I really don't know execpt that maybe deep down things WILL change. I've read everything that you've posted and all the stories that seem so close to home but I can't help it? I don't know think it's because I can't find someone else because I know that's true. I think I just have a deep sense of committement and I really worry about him. I'm not mentally well in the respect. I must not love myself that much if I continue to be with someone who has hurt me the way he has. I really am trying to find that place though. But then... I feel selfish for only thinking of me and my feelings.

Yeah... I'm going through a lot right now with major financial problems and then all the emotional stress of this situation affecting me in every aspect of my life (work... etc.) But at the same time I can't help but feel for him because he's facing prison and they are trying to get him for a lot of years... I wasn't mad at him for what he did to me or how he's talked to me but just confused and don't understand why? I don't want to give up hope and I guess that's what my big problem is. I wish I could be mad at him because then it would make all of this so much easier.

I guess I just picture how our life once was when we were happy or at least how I saw it and want that feeling back. I don't take marriage lightly. My parents have been together since they were 18... Yeah they fight and bicker and complain about each other. My dad's ruling is the last word and that type of thing but he's never laid a hand on my mom or direspected her. He has his ways and wants things the way he wants them no matter what but never any disrespect and I guess there's the difference but I was taught patience from my mom...

I know I've not been the perfect wife (no one is) but I really feel I've tried. All I know is that I've heard everything said to me on this thread and I understand all of it but I guess I just don't want to believe it. Until I can bring myself to that point nothing will change and you are all right. The only way to move to that next level is to not have him in my life. I don't really think he realized how he is. I think he honestly believes he is a different person.

He spouts off things like in astrology it says his sign is very intelligent and is often misunderstood. They say things in a manner that others just don't get what they are trying to convey. I think he truly believes this.

Court is moving along and he has a preliminary trial coming up in the next few weeks. They are trying to come up with a stratgy to get him off but they want me to say someone else did it... but I don't know who because it was some random guy. I can't do that though. I wished I never told the Dr. anything but then again... something inside me or a greater force had me saw what I said for a reason. I don't know?

I'm just taking one day at a time and trying to pay my bills and do good at work and trying to focus on me without putting myself in harms way. I promised to meet with him and his lawyer this afternoon so I'll know more about what's going on with that today and if they are going to try to blame or hang me... Chris Brown only got probation so maybe they'll give him a plea to and I won't have to be involved. Too bad I can't just plead the 5th.

Oh well... just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point. There's got to be one right? Well, take care and I look up to you all that have had the courage to take control of your lives and move on...

Oh well...just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point.

You are hearing what we have to say, but listening is something different.

Hearing - a comprehension of the dialogue that is shared. An ablity to respond to the dialogue accordingly.

Listening - a comprehension and understanding of the dialogue. An ablity to follow through or absorb the direction of the dialogue regarding the point of the speaker's message.

My children hear everything I tell them, that doesn't mean that they are listening to me.

You will never leave if you continue to stay with him. I must say your actions are pointing towards staying.

I'm still listening to her and think she is trying to be strong and get out. It's just not that easy for all the reasons I've stated before.

Lovesanimals needs support - personal, on line, whatever - not criticism.

I've been there.

LovesAnimals, you are going to keep on making excuse after excuse for your husband. I did that all the time. Then one day I left and went to that DV shelter. If I wouldn't have gone to that shelter, I would have kept going back to him. There were other women in the shelter who shared their story and we all helped each other help ourselves. They put me through counseling, which helped out a lot. There is no way that I could have left and stayed gone for good. I would have kept going back if I didn't have that support. You can NOT do this on your own. You need other people who have been in your shoes and are going through the same thing that you are going through. You need to call shelters and not think about it and just go to one. Then when you make that giant leap you will tell yourself that you have gone this far, why not go a little farther. You will have a support group and other people who will help you get through this.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for yourself. He is manipulating you and you are just taking the bait. He wants you to commit perjury so he can get out of trouble. Then you will be the one getting out of trouble. You may regret talking to the sheriff at the doctor's appointment, but I believe that you had an angel looking over you. You would have never told the cops that if they wouldn't have tricked you. You needed that! This guy needs to be in jail. I never wanted to put my daughter's father in jail, but looking back now, I totally wish that I would have told the cops everything when it happened.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will only be harder before it ever gets easier. Please take my advice and take that plunge to go to a shelter. Espically if things don't go his way at court. If he doesn't go to jail, but knows that he is going to get a heafty sentence, then he may actually kill you.

Chris Brown got off with a slap on the wrist because he had really good lawyers and he had a lot of money. I wouldn't bank on that happening for your husband. You shouldn't fell bad that he is going to jail or prison. Then maybe he can pick on people his own sixe you can actually defend themselves.

Please get out. I wish that you lived close to me so I could meet with you and talk to you. You need to find a good support group. I will look up shelters for you if you would like me to. I do believe that going to a shelter is going to be the only way that you get out. You need that support from all of those people to really understand what your worth is. I will be praying for you to open your eyes.

You really need to pray to God for guidance. I laid in bed and prayed for two months before I left my daughter's father for him to give me strength and a way out. And he provided me with both, plus more.

Hang in there, hopefully you will leave before it is to late.

I'm still listening to her and think she is trying to be strong and get out. It's just not that easy for all the reasons I've stated before.

Lovesanimals needs support - personal, on line, whatever - not criticism.

I've been there.

I totally agree with you. It is a lot harder to leave a domestic situation than most people think it is. Many people say, if it were me, I would be gone that instant. But, it is a lot easier said than done. You never know until you are put in that situation.

I wasn't mad at him for what he did to me or how he's talked to me... I wish I could be mad at him because then it would make all of this so much easier.
I think there's a proper place and function for the primal emotion of anger, just as there is for fear. The proper function of these reactions is to propel us out of situations that are a serious threat to our personal survival. You are in a life-threatening situation, so both anger and fear are appropriate responses. You have learned to suppress these emotions too much for your own good.


I don't really think he realized how he is. I think he honestly believes he is a different person.
Habitually angry people avoid introspection at all costs, so it's not surprising that he doesn't recognize himself in the mirror.


Oh well... just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point. There's got to be one right?
The question that has all of us with our hearts in our throats is whether you'll "reach your point" before he kills you. It's excruciating, because we all know it could go either way. And if he does kill you, we may never find out about it. You'll just stop posting.

Hey... I'm sitting at work right now and trying to just think things out once again. Just when I think he may understand where I'm coming from on everything it turns out he really doesn't but that's really no big surprise to me or anyone here on this site watching this thread.

I'm not here to whine or complain but just to talk things out. It is very difficult to leave my situation and I'm sure I'm scared to be along. Yes, I think well... it's not that bad. I know all these are normal reactions.

I have not visited a shelter yet because I don't want to face what's going on. Being in denial and just hoping for an uneventful okay day is all I can do right now. I know it's sad and pathetic with all the support and good advise everyone has given me but... it is what it is...

He does have court soon and I did get called to testify. I can't lie in a court of law but I can't help put him in prison either even though his actions are what got him into this situation to begin with. I have some tough decisions and I'm going to plead the 5th hoping to get out of making them... we'll see.

Just like everyone has said, he is nice nice nice and then the true behavior surfaces again. I had a little scare the other day but again like so many have said he isn't pushing things because of the trouble he's already in. He kept on and on and I pushed one of his buttons (mocking what he said while arguing) and he looked like he was going to throw something. Righ away... he says "go ahead and call the cops" and things like that because I flinched and moved away. Made me think if he didn't have all this over his head what would he have done? Believe me I think about these things every day.

I always question how I let things get to this point and why I continue to be in this situation. When I get the nerve to say or do something things get better and then it's easier to just not cause waves. With dealing with work (both of them), the house short sale, and everything else... I am a coward and take the easy way out.

I've read it sometimes takes years for someone to be ready to go but when they are ready... they know. I will have that time, but now isn't it.

Well, just wanted all that are still following this thread not to think he killed me or something so that's why I'm posting. One day at a time and that's all I have in me at the moment. I have faith things will all work out good in the end if I go with my gut on things...

Thanks again...
LovesAnimals

As you say - one day at a time. You're working on things. Stop beating yourself up! You are doing the best you can at this time.

(The stop beating yourself up is, in fact, an order - STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.)

I have never shared this and no one who hasn't been there will understand BUT I had an abusive ex-husband. I had him arrested. The Police carted him out of the house. I took him back - I know, stupid. I was afraid of him, very afraid of him when he drank which he did very often.

And then one day he came home drunk and kicked at our dog. I threw him out the next day.

You never know what it takes to force you to make a decision. You will reach that point. No one knows when, not even you.

In this situation, I wouldn't go with the flow. Take it one day at a time but don't justify the reasons he hurts you. What he does isn't right. Even if you made him mad, that doesn't excuse him hurting you. "Love doesn't hurt, it is kind and gentle," keep that in mind. You should help in putting him in jail. You may think that if you don't help he won't be as mean and nasty to you. However he won't. He made his own choices and now has to face the consequences of his actions. If you don't testify on what he did to you, you're basically just giving him a get out of jail free card. He doesn't deserve that. Anyway, keep your head up and never lose sight of hope.

Giving this thread a kick - are you okay?

Yes... I'm okay sort of... I haven't posted anything because I've been trying to go back and read everything on this thread as a way to remind myself what actually happened. As time goes by things get more faded in my mind.

I am just living every day as it comes and trying to deal with the day to day crap on top of all the working I do. My husband was telling me about how he was talking about his case to a fellow he always sees at court when he's there. I think they have the same lawyer or something... Well this guy questioned if I was backing him up and how our relationship was. My husband told him that we aren't doing great but no matter if I wanted to divorce him I wouldn't do it during the case because it would make it look bad. That gave me hope that he knew where I was coming from on things... but this weekend proved otherwise.

The forced sex happened again on Friday/Saturday morning when I got home from work at around 2:30am. Not violent at all but just pursistant you know so I just gave in... I called off to work Sat night because he wanted to go to a BBQ but then he "had to take care of something" with his club so I just stayed home and went to be early. He said he was staying out there but then shows up just standing by the bed at 12mid and freaked me out.

Cancelled plans on Sunday with my friend because I didn't feel like driving anywhere and he invited me to the bike event he was going to... so I said sure. Everything was okay Sunday morning and then he made the comment "I'm flat" and you can guess what he meant and I said nothing! Then he says... "I can't live like this" which I've heard so many times when he's having a tantrum! I took a shower and then he jumped in his. I was sweeping out the dog area and he comes out and says... what are you doing. I said sweeping and he goes on some tangent about me being a "rat" and telling on him and WOW all from sweeping and not telling him what I was doing first. He said I ignored him and I said no... just his comment about being flat...

To shorten this (sorry about the length) yelling and more yelling and then he's mad cause I yelled and people may be listening and then the DA will investigate and talk to the neighbors... In the middle of the fighting I lost it and told him I'd had enough and to get the "F" out. Told him anything he took that I was paying on I would stop payment... but he didn't leave... He threw his keys and gauged the wall and then that crazed look went over his face. I cringed and then he calmed down a little. Thank goodness he had to be somewhere so he left but said he wasn't going to help me with the project at the house he'd promised to...

Then I get a text asking if I was home he would come back and we could work on the project... That didn't happen because when he got back it was more tangent on how his character is misunderstood and he's a stand up guy... I helped get all the materials together for the project but I didn't do enough to help... Nothing is ever enough!!

Now I know you have all told me it would be like this... but court is in early August so closure is coming soon one way or another...

Just stay strong - I don't know if persistent sex is forced sex but it sure can feel like it. You know, "Fine, just shut up."

So he is still turning everything around on you and taking cheap shots to hurt you emotionally? I am still rooting for you to leave and waiting to hear that update.

Hi... I just wanted to answer your questions...

First off, I know the sex isn't forced like a rape victum and I would never ever compare what I'm going through with that at all. It is more like pressured sex, you are right JudyKayTee. He keeps pulling at my clothes to take them off even after I've said no I don't want to. He'll stop and then he'll pout and then he'll start again and then rather than dealing with that all night I just give in so I can get some peace and he'll be in a good mood.

He tells me how upset it makes him feel that he repulses me. He doesn't repulse me... just his touch. After what happened between us I can't help but pull away when he wants to cuddle (which is only usually done if he wants sex) or touch or have sex. It's just a natural reaction I have... probably because of what he did. I don't trust...

And yes he is still blaming me for the situation we are in. He's saying I've cost us almost $20,000 because I said something to the Dr. Do I regret saying something to the Dr?? Yes most of the time I do. I don't want him to have to go to prison because I care about him. And all this with the bail bond and attorney has cost us a lot of money we could have used towards other bills...

But it's not all my fault this all happened. I'm not saying I'm perfect of completely innocient in having our crappy relationship but all I did was build resentment... from him not trying harder to pay stuff so I only had to work one job... him talking to me meanly... and tantrum if he didn't get his way... He twists it around that I have to always have my way and then my head gets so spun around I think maybe it's true...

I honestly thought it was all done on Sunday. I reached a breaking point and told him to get out and that anything he took I currently pay for would no longer be taken care of and just told him everything that was on my mind.

Today he sent me a message apologizing yet again and telling me that he knows he has to settle down because he's only making things worse, but he's scared. I understand he is scared...

Probably seems so unreal to him... He probably feels like one minute he's married, has pretty much all the toys he wants, and one would think he'd be happy but he just wanted more and more. Push and push. First he lost his job and then I pulled the rest of his world out from under him. He paniced to get it back... In the past he could always scare me back into it by threatening to leave but this time I had asked him to leave... Then he tried other tactics and they didn't work and then the attacking... which did work in his eyes because he moved back...

Yesterday he was yelling at me that I ruined his life and just wait and I'll see how it feels... I don't think either one of us ruined each other's life's... just we took a really really bad turn and didn't make the corner...

I feel for you, I really do. I can relate to the self-doubt you feel, but make no mistake about it, everything you described is abuse and him manipulating you, playing with your head, trying to keep control, never ending denial as to his part in this, it's not love and never will be.

You're in my thoughts. Be safe

Continued prayers and good thoughts... I hope the end of August sees you heading in a new direction towards a life you have always dreamed of.

Hi, I have no updates except things are just getting tougher and tougher for me. I just found out they are reducing my hours at work (the 1st one) and I can't possibly work any more hours at the second one...

My husband borrowed our truck to a friend who fell asleep and crashed it into a guard rail on the freeway... Now I'm letting him handle the insurance claim and square it all away to get fixed but he's not keeping me informed.

He's been staying gone and only coming home when I'm not there to give me my space... but he's now not helping with anything around the house. Guess I should get used to it... but...

I tried to count on him for one thing and he didn't follow through. He didn't respond to my text so I had no idea where he was. I needed him to wait for FedEx. I had to leave work to make sure the package was put inside and turns out he had been home but left. Could have avoided a lot if he'd just told me!! Plus he had the air running and lights on and not even there! I'm trying to pay all the bills and he was just wasting money!! I got so mad I left him a voice message yelling at him which I never do. That's one reason he's not come back too... because I B**ched at him...

I was having a panic attach over all of that (seems trivial but after everything I've gone through and deal with and do for him) so I took some Xanx. Mistake because I drank at work and just not good...

I feel like everything is falling apart. I think he's finally realizing that our relationship will never be the same and he's trying to pull himself out of it I think and that's why he stays gone... I don't know?? Even though we fight when he is around I feel hurt and upset that he's staying gone. Guess I'm feeling rejected or I don't know? My emotions are all over the place!! I'm bascially a wreck and questioning everything in life and feel like all my work and feelings and everything has been for nothing, worth nothing. I feel like nothing.. What phase is this??

I just don't see any point in anything right now... I know you've all given me great advice that I've not taken but I could use some help here... I don't understand why he's blowing me off? What is he hoping to accomplish? Is it a game or is he moving on. Guess I always have hoped and still hoped he come around. I'm just a wrek!!

Some times all we can do is move on and recreate our lives to something better.
I am not so sure I would trust him to take care of the insurance claim. Are you sure he will do it?

Remember you can't change who he is or what he do. Change starts with you and only you.

You have to realize what kind of a man he is and stop hoping he will turn into the man you want him to be. It will never happen and your dealing with the results now.

You're feeling rejected because you are. He doesn't love you.

You want him to be the man of the house, who takes care of things and takes care of you and appreciates and loves you. The husband who cares for the well-being of his wife and wants to share a life with her.

He will never be that man and you're maybe just starting to realize that and you feel alone and empty because of all you put into the marriage, all the years of your life, and all the work you've done paying all the bills yourself and keeping him... I could go on and on.

But my guess is that's why you're feeling "worthless" because, as you see it, no matter what you've done or continue to do, he is not happy with you.

You need to see it, that he has issues and would not be happy with anyone and more importantly, you will never be happy with this man (let's not forget the fact he is capable of killing you).

Neither of you respect the other; neither of you really loves the other. You are dependent upon each other; you're attached. You're both afraid to be alone. You would be just fine on your own. The only mess in your house you'd have to take of is your own. The only bills you'd have to pay are your own.

And the insurance thing? Oh, he'll take care of it. He'll probably keep the money and spend it on... well, if it were my ex... drugs.

As far as him blowing you off, I can't answer that. My ex would do the same thing. Disappear. You see, you're alone anyway. You are totally alone in this marriage. It is worse to be married and alone than it is to just be... alone. Alone can be good, revitalizing... really clear your mind.

He, however, could not make it without you and he knows it. He also knows that he can treat you however he wants to because you will not leave him. He almost killed you and you're still there! You're working yourself to death to take care of the both of you and you still don't kick him out the door. You are losing respect for yourself!

You are not worthless. The rest of your life is not worthless. Do not waste it on him. Be safe... and hopefully, someday, be happy.

He is giving you an out... take it! As he starts to rely less on you, do the same... work towards relying less on him. It's another opportunity to break those ties.

Never easy, you will find from time to time that you still hope for what you think might have been, but it will get easier for you to see that it is not possible with this relationship. This relationship is broken and there is no bringing it back to a state that would be healthy for you... or for him. In time, it can be possible with someone else.

He is giving you the opportunity to be strong, stand up for yourself, take care of your needs yourself, plan for and work towards the future you dream of having.

ASK yourself why do you take the abuse? Why do you stay in a situation that you can get hurt by someone? Do you have family? You better get away from this situation before it progresses to something awful. Your life is in jeopardy. Get AWAY from this man.

Hey... it's been a while since I posted anything. Probably frustrating to most of you... I'm still pretty much in the same situation. I know I'm the only one that can change things for myself so it's up to me to take the steps...

Had court last week and I took the 5th and they allowed it for now. I just can't lie in a court room so I really don't want to say anything. Why can't they just prosecute based on the evidence? They have the pictures and statements so what more do they need? I'm not going to help them put him in prison but I'm not trying to protect him either and that's why I took the 5th.

I'm in a much better state of mind now than on my last post. I've pulled it together and I'm making myself face reality and prepare myself for a future without him either way. A life with a future. I don't make him happy and vise versa. I'm trying to stay focused on work... and taking care of me... cause I'm all I have.

It is possible to put yourself first without being selfish... it's called self love not being selfish. I always feel better being nice to others and helping others but I have to begin to start with me otherwise all the rest is just fake or a way to ignore the unhappiness.

I will keep you posted on how everything goes..

And no I don't like the abuse... at all. My husband mostly stays gone now when I'm home to give me space cause all we do is argue. Hopefully he's beginning to realize things will never ever be the same...

Had court last week and I took the 5th and they allowed it for now. I just can't lie in a court room so I really don't want to say anything. Why can't they just prosecute based on the evidence? They have the pictures and statements so what more do they need?

Okay I'm going to have to step in. I know your not in a good situation but waiting for the gov't to fix your problem is not going to happen in this lifetime, or anybody else's lifetime for that matter. Why can't they prosecute based on evidence? Because a statement to the police is not the same as testomy, in court under oath. People lie to the cops all the time in statements, and cops lies about what people said in statements. Every person is, in this country at least, given certain freedoms and rights and the right to sit in a court and face the accusor is a right shared by all citizens. The right to question your accusor is a right that every citizen has, so that people don't just make stuff up and lie to get innocent people put in prison. Just because you won't do anything about your situation does not mean my rights or the rights of anybody else should be infringed upon.


I'm not going to help them put him in prison but I'm not trying to protect him either and that's why I took the 5th.

How you write the above and follow it up with this is amazing. You want the gov't to put him away, but you won't do anything to help them. This is exactly why they don't prosecute based on statements and photos.


It is possible to put yourself first without being selfish...it's called self love not being selfish. I always feel better being nice to others and helping others but I have to begin to start with me otherwise all the rest is just fake or a way to ignore the unhappiness.

Giving all your love to you first is the most unselfish thing you can do.

I was with a man for ten years, and he was not physically abusive, however the mental and emotional abuse went on and on. I was scared like you, torn between loving him, and being afraid to move on in life, of being alone, well nearly a year later, I am at a great place in my life, I am getting to know myself and no longer dealing with his issues. I can finally embrace myself and love myself, something I wanted and expected my ex to do a certain way, hoping he would change, but he just was not the person I wanted or needed. Yes 7 1/2 years is a long time, so is my ten years but it is not wasted time. I can walk away knowing I gave 110&#37;, and there was nothing more I could do. Love is not enough. That is just an ingredient in a whole saucer to make the relationship. Walk away now and get yourself respect back. Then maybe a year or two later, you can look on this site, and be a survivor like me :)

I'm not trying to protect him either and that's why I took the 5th.

That is exactly what you did by pleading the fifth.
You are protecting him.
We are all concerned for your well-being.
Sometime soon I hope that you are too.
My prayers are with you.

I didn't mean to upset anyone on this site... I honestly took the 5th to ultimately protect myself now and in the future whether he gets put away or not. I can't be the one who helped put him there... it's complicated.

I didn't file charges against him. The state took on that case therefore they should keep me out of it. Don't get me wrong, I agree that the state should help those that can't help themselves like a women (or man) that takes abuse and beatings and really can't find a way out. But there's a reason the person doesn't file themselves... they are scared of the outcome...

I posted on this site because I was confused and scared and really wanted to determine if I was truly in an abusive relationship or just over exaggerating things or situations. With all of your help I know I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that had advanced twice to physical and could go down that road again. I was holding on the hope that he would "see the light" and change... That's not going to happen and I'm grateful to you all for helping me see that. Now I have to just apply all my knowledge to my life and make the change.

I don't mean to appear like I'm whinning and poor me either... just looking for answers and reasurrance. I will get to a really good point and then slide down 60% and I just don't get it. I'll see things so clear and then things get all clouded again...

Again I didn't mean to hurt any one or upset anyone... sorry

I didn't mean to upset anyone on this site.... I honestly took the 5th to ultimately protect myself now and in the future whether he gets put away or not. I can't be the one who helped put him there...it's complicated.


But it's not.

He's an abuser, you are the abused. To end it, you must leave.

It's not any more complicated then that. You can put other factors in there, you can use excuses but at the end of the day you just have to leave.


I didn't file charges against him. The state took on that case therefore they should keep me out of it.

The state took on this case to help you.


Don't get me wrong, I agree that the state should help those that can't help themselves like a women (or man) that takes abuse and beatings and really can't find a way out. But there's a reason the person doesn't file themselves....they are scared of the outcome...


Agreed. There is a psychology going on that prevents many, including you from leaving. But that same psychology that tells you "I want him put away but I won't help. Why don't they just do it anyways" is not reasonable or fair to society as a whole. Invoking the 5th is so you don't have to incriminate yourself, your birth right as a citizen and one you shoule truly cherish as other countries don't allow such things. So for you to use it to esstenially let him get away with and then turn around and say "Well why can't they just put him away because of police statements and photos" is asking for some special right. I'm not saying he's right, I'm saying you as a woman have a lot of power in this country, and have rights that women in 2009 in other countries don't. You have the resources to and birth right to end this. If you won't, there is a underlying psychology of fear that is there and I recognize that, but don't tread on everybody else's rights. I don't wish for you to be in this situation, I wish for you to empower yourself and get out. I wish for you to trully accept your birth right and inner strength to end this. But the state can't do it for you, you can do for you.

You obviously keep coming here, you obviously know there is a problem, and you obviously are not a quitter. You have every tool available, and you have the state on your side. You have a lot in your corner so you have to act on it. Sitting by waiting hasn't worked for you so far, and you have momemtum in you favor so it up to you to follow it through.


I posted on this site because I was confused and scared and really wanted to determine if I was truly in an abusive relationship or just over exaggerating things or situations. With all of your help I know I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that had advanced twice to physical and could go down that road again. I was holding on the hope that he would "see the light" and change... That's not going to happen and I'm grateful to you all for helping me see that. Now I have to just apply all my knowledge to my life and make the change.

Well you should continue coming here and perhaps more often to continue building your strength or just accept that you have it and apply it.


I don't mean to appear like I'm whinning and poor me either....just looking for answers and reasurrance. I will get to a really good point and then slide down 60% and I just don't get it. I'll see things so clear and then things get all clouded again...

Again I didn't mean to hurt any one or upset anyone...sorry

I'm not hurt but your attitude of "let someone else take care of it" speaks to part of your problem. You were just going to wait for the state to do something, just like you are going to wait for him to leave you. You are giving your power away. When more power comes to you and you can take action, you give it away. I understand fear keeps you in a certain place because to a certain degree it keeps everybody in a certain place in different situations. But you have power and the gov't gives you power and you took the two options they gave you, testoimony or silence and choose the one that helps him. In the end the one hurting is you, and believe me I don't want to see you hurt but you have to use your rights here. This can be solved, this can be won, and this can take you to a good place, but nobody else can do it for you.

Nobody thanks your whinning but everyone wants you to get it through your head that your better off without him--but you don't get it yet. He is a loose cannon that can go off in any moment and the sad part is that he blames you for hitting you. What??

I hope you see the light one day before the clouds come because your holding on to someone who isn't worth it. And I think your staying with him because you don't want to start over and this is a wrong reason to stay with someone.

A man who hits you doesn't respect nor love you. You need to watch "What love got to do with it and Enough"--maybe these movies will give you the strength you need.

I wish you the best becsuse at the end of the day it is your life. But I think you need to go down another road instead of staying on the one your on.

Hi... thanks for the encouragement! I do really need to keep on a path to inprove my life and I know it's not going to inprove with him :(

Well, I had my day in court and I blew it! I didn't state the truth but I had immunity so I will not get in trouble. I knew the Judge wouldn't believe me though so they are continuing with the charges. I know that's wrong of me... but it doesn't make me the bad guy you know? In his eyes I tried everything I could to help the situation or that's what I thought he'd think... Instead he says I wasn't convincing and then tells me how I wasn't good enough on the stand. I was really sick at the time too. Nothing pleases him... unless they would have believed me but I don't think anyone would...

We've pretty much been staying out of each other's way lately. He stays gone most of the time hanging out with friends and only comes back to shower for the most part. I continue to work and work and then hang out at home doing the hobbies I like.

But just when I think he gets where I'm coming from, he sends me a message like " how are you hun...hope you are feeling better. Luv U"

I have decided that I am making a clean break after all the court stuff is over. Whether he gets off on probation or goes to prison/jail... we can not go on like we are. Since there is no turbulance and my life is pretty calm right now, I'm going to enjoy it for a little bit. The court stuff should all be done and over with in about another month or two. I've waiting this long... what's a couple more months right?

Any advise on how to break all of this to him when everything is done? I will not be moving but asking him to leave. I'm the only one on the lease.

You can ask him to leave tomorrow since it doesn't matter what the court outcome is. An eviction notice? Just do it and not drag it out ant further than it has been already. Why? Just be careful, and have plenty of support around you.

Serve him an eviction notice---with PLENTY of people around you when you do it.

And KEEP people around you.

He WILL hurt you again when he realizes you are GOING to push him out of your life.

And once he's moved out---get a restraining order.

This guy s dangerous.I agree completely with the two previous posters.you need to get rid of him now before it too late.

Well, you said it yourself, nothing pleases him. He needs mental help and he takes everything out on you. Please get him out of there.

I agree with Tal, the court stuff doesn't matter. There is no reason to wait. None. Just another excuse. I do understand, though. I just know you will be glad that you did.

You get a dependable support system around you, with you, in your home. Give him an eviction notice. Tell him it's over. The best way is to just do it and don't send him mixed messages. Just tell him it's over and that he needs to get his things and leave by such and such a time. Keep people there with you then and well after he's gone. Don't drag it all out. That won't help you (or him, since you seem to be concerned still about him).

Then, yes, most definitely get a restraining order so he stays away from you and YOUR home. Have the police there if you can. Call the prosecutor and tell them you want him out and need help. They know the situation you're in and are trying to help you.

You have to help you. You can do this. You know what to do.
There is no other way that will be successful. There is no talking to him sweetly, parting as friends. That's not what this is. He needs to be sent a clear message to get out, and stay out.

Be safe and strong!

What are you even doing with this man? Do you want to be dead on a slab. This man is dangerous. Stop making excuses he will hurt you. Go to the proper authorities and get a restraining order. He hurt you, and will be in jail for domestic violence. That is the law now.

1st, please get away from this man and seek help for yourself... please. Now, I recently left my husband in Dec 2008 and have no plans of returning to him. He abuses rx drugs and then gets physically violent with me and to top that doesn't remember doing such things!
When you're in love, you shouldn't be scared to be yourself or do the things you'd normally do... this is because you are happy... how can you be happy when someone says and does hurtful things. My husband and I were trying to add to our family of 3 but when I'd try to initiate sex he'd turn me down and be very angry if I objected or was just generally pissed, being my normal self. Ridiculous of me! Simply take the time to heal yourself and if love is meant to be it will work itself out and not be such a chore for him. He should be able to meet you halfway with counseling (if that's what you want once you get away) or anger management of some sort. Good luck to you! Its hard in the beginning but please know that this is temporary... finding love again, wasn't that hard and he treats myself and my son like gold...

Thank you for the advise on the eviction letter. Can I still do that when I do not own the property? I am the only one technically on the lease (because I had planned to move by myself).

The reason why I want to wait until after all of the court drama... is because I'm trying to avoid a huge conflict if I don't have to. If he gets sentenced to jail/prison time then I don't have to go through the actions of telling him he has to leave. I will simply pack up his stuff and bring it over to his mom's or hold it until he gets out. If he goes in we are filing divorce immediately and we already talked about that so I don't get hit with his lawyer expenses etc...

Also, he is in a really bad place right now and I think he'd totally loose it if I did that. I don't want him to have to go to prison, just let me go... If I ended things now it would look really bad for his case. Yes, I still care about him and I don't know why but that's how I am. We can't go back... but that doesn't mean he can't change and be good with someone else and jail time wouldn't help accomplish that. I've seen some changes but maybe a different type of person would be able to bring about more changes...

If things get to the point where he doesn't go in and I have to tell him to leave I will have people around me that's for sure. Shoot... he's not going to get off 100% and probably is going to be charged with a felony w probation at the least. I'm sure they issue a stay away order, although there isn't one now so who knows...

Thanks again for the advise... I'm hanging in and figure only a month or two more before everything comes to a head one way or the other.

Sometimes survival is knowing when to get out alive when you still can.

Get out of the house or get him out of the house!! Once he starts being physically abusive he's not going to stop!

Sometimes survival is knowing when to get out alive when you still can.

I couldn't rep you, Noney, but you're absolutely 100% correct.

If your plan fails, and he doesn't go to jail, which it doesn't look like he will since you're helping his case, I'd use the police to get him out. That's what I did.

I understand wanting to avoid a conflict, but it is inevitable. There WILL be a conflict over... something... anything and that one might be one too many.

I couldn't rep you, Noney, but you're absolutely 100&#37; correct.

Its okay Survivy! Its good to have you back.

Or wait, you never left at all? LOL

Hi everyone... I understand the need to get out of my situation but why go through the conflict if I don't have to?

Right now he really doesn't spend much time at the house. He usually just swings by to get some food or shower and change and sometimes he doesn't even come back for days at a time. I'm not really dealing with any arguing really or confrontation so things are pretty mello and I'd like to keep it that way while I can and avoid being the cause of the problem (hence the object of his anger) if I can...

Yes, I tried to help his case or rather did not help them to prosecute him. My testimony did no good for him because they've decided to continue with the conviction and have not offered a plea. I know it's the coward's way, but this way I'm not the bad guy in everything. I tried to help... you guys understand? That way I'm covered if he goes in or if he doesn't. If he goes in then I don't ever have to deal with asking him to leave. I've been dealing with the situation for a while now so what's another few months??

I'm going to leave things as they are for now but if he doesn't go in I am definitely following the steps you have suggested to get him out of the house.

He has been nicer lately but I'm not falling for it again. Too much has happened and at least I realize that now... and before I didn't.

Thanks again for your continued support... I really need it now. Just like I thought, my friends and family are so frustrated with me right now and just don't understand. My mom is the only one who I really talk to any more. That's the tough part too... I feel so alone. The more he's gone the easier it is though...

Thanks... LovesAnimals

I think eventually you will resolve your issues, and cut him from your life in a more permanent manner. Then the healing can really begin, and you can put this behind you.

I do understand and I'm certainly not angry at you. I get angry at the whole situation and many like it. But it will get better. I, too, think you will get rid of him... eventually.

Just think, who's paying for the water when he stops in for a shower and who's paying for the food he's eating? Whose life is on hold?

I don't think you're a coward and definitely not the bad guy. You are his victim. Your actions of not wanting to help convict him show you're a victim. It's classic.

Just keep in mind that even if he goes to a trial and is found guilty, he won't be sentenced right away and most likely will be able to remain free on bail until sentencing and then there's the whole appeal process... Jail is not a definite here and even if he does wind up in prison, it won't be a life sentence... just get that other plan ready! Be safe and keep in touch.

Hi everyone....I understand the need to get out of my situation but why go through the conflict if I don't have to?

It's a strange paradox, but it's your need to avoid conflict at all costs that keeps you in a situation where it's inevitable. To get out of this relationship, you DO have to go through it. If he does go to jail for awhile, he will probably be worse when he gets out. I just hope you muster the courage to end it before he kills or permanently maims you. Time's a'wastin' and there's no way to tell how much you have left before he snaps. Putting it off just makes it more dangerous. Do it now.

Hi everyone... I'm still in my situation unfortunately... but hanging in. I can't remember who said it, but they were right when they said the court stuff would drag on forever... well it has and continues to. He is switching lawyers if he can raise the money for the first payment (because his other one won't take payments) and that is going to drag it out at least another month before the pretrial stuff can take place... The judge already decided there is enough evidence to take it to trial... so that's where it's headed.

He continues to float in and out of the house whenever he wants... and has stopped letting me know where he's at and what he's up to. Just when I think I've made it clear that there is not going to be a "me and him" when the court stuff is all over... he does or says something that makes me think differently.

So, in a nutshell... nothing has changed in my life. I'm a loser that just can't seem to get my head out of my you know what! I'm not saying that for sympathy or anything! It helps me deal with my thoughts and everything when I tell someone what I know is the truth!

I feel like I'm ready to tell him that I want to move on with my life... but I don't want to go through the drama and I'm not sure what he will do?? He just knows how to push my buttons so much that I feel trapped.

You all were so right when I was moving I should have just moved on my own and not allowed him to go too. Now it's even more difficult. He even made the comment the other day that only two of his friends are even helping him deal with everything. Again all about what people can do for him. I actually yelled at him because how dare he say that I'm not helping him!

We all know this relationship is and never was a good one and it should just end now. I know I could end things really quick by testifying for the DA the truth and getting a restraining order but I just can't... I just want all of this to be over... The court stuff, him in my life, the drama... just want it over. I know it's all up to me... but when am I going to know that it's the right time??

Anyway... thanks again for listening...

LovesAnimals

You are NOT a loser - he is doing everything he can to make you feel like you are a loser... but you are NOT.

You are trapped in a situation and you are trying to get out.

Take a deep breath - you are steps ahead of where you were when you first posted.

Rethinking things and re-examining your past decisions at this point is like spinning tires on a car - you are going to go nowhere!

Keep looking forward and hang in there!

Remind me why you are living with him again?

Okay, first of all YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! That much is obvious. Second, whether you want to or not, drama will happen. You won't be able to avoid it. One way or another it will happen. Now that way be harsh but it's the truth. Listen just don't give up. Keep strong. If there are any interests like sports or clubs you'd be interested in join. It helps to have interaction with people who have similar interests. Just don't give up. I tell that to myself everyday. Give up and you've lost the battle. Stay strong and you've won the war. Believe in yourself. As hard as that may be, believe. You can do it. Not all people are like him. You were just someone unlucky enough to have it happen to you. The moment you are free you will wake up, take a deep breath and feel free. You CAN do it. Keep up the hope. :)


If it helps, listen to the climb by miley cyrus. Even if you don't like her. Listen to the song. The climb up is hard but the vue makes it all worth it.

Loveanimals be strong, and walk away. He has so much control over you. You are not a weak person. It takes courage and respect for yourself and say I don't desrve a person like this. Look ahead and how much stronger you would be without this man.

Glad to hear you're still okay.

YOU are not a loser. You're just living with one.

And, yes, the court stuff will take forever.

You know what you have to do. When you're strong enough, you will. I know you will.

Keep in touch and be safe.

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers??

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

Oh boy! Ain't that the truth?

My third (and, and this point, last) husband had been abusive to me since the day after we got married. This probably accounts for why the marriage lasted six weeks (five weeks and six days too long). Believe me, I'm not making jokes here. I'm talking the kind of Neanderthal who wakes you up the morning after yo get married and when you say you're not ready to wake up, he says, "Hell! We're married! I don't have to take 'no' for an answer anymore!" and procees to do as he wishes. He probably could have gotten more reaction from a wet dish rag that morning.

It wasn't bad enough that I was covered with bruises, when my husband got home from work that night he started his usual snarking because I didn't drink alcohol 7 nights a week. After dinner, I was crocheting and watching TV and he was having fits and came flying across the table in the corner between the couch and my chair, bellowing "You want me to black both your eyes??" right up in my face.

I stared him down and he went and got himself another beer. Whenhe came back, he grabbed my arm and smashed it onto the arm of the chair. "Now what are you gonna do?" he taunted. (Never did understand his facination in acting like white trash... )

I reached in the pocket on the other side of the chair and pulled out a steak knife and pulled it across the arm he was smashing my other arm with. Not enough to do more than scratch, but just enough to draw blood. Made him let go real quick. He was looking rather shocked when he sat down on the couch.

I picked up the phone and dialed 911. It was ringing but wasn't answered when he pushed the button in the cradle hook (we're going back a few years here folks). He was looking triumphant until the phone rang and I pulled the phone out from under his hand to release the button.

"Hello?"

"This is Dispatch at Xxxxxx County Sheriff's Department. Did you just try to call us?"

"Yes, I did."

"Ok, is there a problem?"

"Yes there is."

"Ok, keep your answers to yes and no. Do you want us to send a Deputy?"

"Yes, please that would be lovely!"

"Is this a domestic problem?"

"Yes."

"Would you eel more comfortable if I stayed on the line with you until the deputies are in your driveway?"

"Yes, that would be absolutely lovely!!" And we chit-chatted for a few minutes until she told me that there were patrol cars in my driveway and we hung up. The husband says, "Who was that?" And he told me I was lying when I said it was 911 dispatch. He threatened to knock the sh-t out of me for lying when I said he better not because I was on the way to answer the door before the Deputies knocked on it. When he saw them, he visibly shrunk.

Oh... in an effort to shorten the story, the older of the two Deputies pointed out to him that he could tell that I was being beat up on. One bruise in particular, he said, was in a place that was practically impossible to bruise. When the husband tried to show him his arm where I cut him with the steak knife, the Deputy said, "Good!!"

Me, me this cop talks into letting the husband sleep on the couch and leave in the morning. He doesn't want to take him to jail "because you women are all alike...you have us take 'em away and in half an hour you're down there cryin' for us to let 'em out."

I said, "Obviously, you don't know women like me. If I have to have a man removed from my house, I don't give a damn where he goes as long as it's not back on my doorstep!"

So, the Deputy told him to stay in the living room and sleep on the couch and leave me and my daughter alone. I would close and lock my bedroom door and that would be that. And if they were called again, there had better not be any new marks on me or he would go to jail for sure.

But every time I tried to close the door, he starts turning on the TV and stereo fullblast and it's after 2 AM. I pull the fuses out of the fuse box in my bedroom closet and he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. (All I need is the neighbors calling the cops on me! ) So, I had to call the Sheriffs department again. So he left.

When the Deputies showed up at the door, they told me they had picked him up when they saw him walking. They wanted to make sure that I was OK before they let him go on his merry way. And they let him go on his merry way.

And gets as far as a payphone and starts calling me over and over and over... And I was forced to call the Sheriff's department again. While I'm explaining to the dispatcher what's going on, we were interupted several times by his calls to me from the pay phone. So, cars were dispatched to all two payphones near where I lived (which put the Sheriff's Dept. a block further away), and he was at the one I said it was most likely the one he'd be at. He sent the night in jail because he got mouthy with the Deputy. And the phone calls started again they let him the jail at 6:30 AM.

Now comes the part where I got lucky:

He went back to the state he came from, did something stupid and got himself thrown in prison. (Obviously, this took a couple months.) He starts writing me letters trying to convince me to write him letters while he's stuck in prison. (Grandmother said get a divorce kit and a divorce while you know where he's at and he's not going anywhere.) He starts writing me letters that alternate between begging me to write him perfumed letters; and threatening kidnap my daughter, and to stalk and kill me when he gets out of prison. Just as soon as he got paroled, he'd be there to kidnap her and kill me... And this isn't just in alternate letters, it's usually in the same letter! In poems. With bloody pictures. I'm not kidding! He could start begging in one letter and by the end of it be threatening! And I thought that the threats were veiled...

So, I called the Sheriff's Department and talked to someone there about what they thought that I should do? Who did they tink that I should talk to about it? They suggest calling the prison. I call the prison, and talk to the Chaplin. The Chaplin as the Asst. Warden call me. They asked me to send them s few photocopies of the letters and envelopes so that they could see them. I said that I would send them ALL of them.

So the next thing that I hear is from the Warden and she's telling me that he won't be getting paroled when he thinks that he will, he will be serving out at least his whole sentence. If I would like to be at the parole hearing, they will make sure to make sure I knew when it was, my reply to that was a polite thanks but no thanks. Why didn't I contact them sooner than I did? There was nothing that was veiled about those threats! And she would like to suggest that I move before he got out if I could. (I've moved to two states since then.)

In one of those states, I ran into an organization that I learned a few things from about staying safe from abuse. Places and organizations to look for emergency help from (if it says Rape and Abuse counseling, it's a good place to start they can point you in the right direction), they know the safe shelters, and take the counselling they offer!! You really need to talk to someone who KNOWS what's going on, not just has theories on it.

The biggest point is that YOU want to survive. Who cares about the marriage? After you heal, you can look for a better marriage, but YOU have to survive.

Thanks for sharing Rhiannnon... Thanks to everyone else who is still giving me the encouragement to move forward at my own pace. It's also nice to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through and what I'm dealing with.

A lot of you have told me I will reach a point... well I'm there... On Friday I was straightening out my jewelry case and noticed I had some jewelry missing. My husband was home so I asked him and he didn't really answer me... he was half asleep. Then when he got up he just acted angry at me and got ready to leave. I asked him where he was going and he said he had to do some things and also get my jewelry. I asked where they were... and you guessed it... taken a loan on them at a pawn shop. I asked how could he do that and without telling me? He got defensive and said it wasn't like it was my wedding ring not like that would have mattered and that it wasn't a big deal because it's not like he sold them... just took a loan out. Yes it is a big deal right? He basically stole my jewelry right??

Then when he gets back he hands me some pieces of jewelry and by that time I knew everything that was missing and there were two more items. He said he didn't know. He was getting ready to go again (said a friend needed help) and then I asked him again. He said he'd have to check the paperwork... Then we got into it because I was so hurt by him taking my stuff, not missing the stuff, but that he took it. We fought and he tried to make me feel bad saying I wasn't helping him enough... I told him that I couldn't wait until all of the court stuff was over so we could both move on. That makes him even more angry and telling me that I've got it all figured out and well... he's very intimidating when he's like this... He left eventually but not without saying that because he's leaving I'm now going to think he puts everyone else ahead of me...

He text later that he was sorry and that he'd get my jewelry back the next day. He didn't come back to the house that day at all. Then Saturday I was going out for once! My best friend and I were going to a couple of Halloween parties... His first text to see what time I was going and if I'd be out late so instead of starting something I replied. When I got to the party I put my purse down and enjoyed myself... When we headed to the second party I saw the three texts. Two wishing me a good time with one send only 30 min after I got to the party and the second an hour later. Then an hour after that was the one stating that "what you are too busy to return my text" and a little nasty. I text back and said knock it off and that I didn't have my phone on me... going to the next party. Then he gets angry saying he didn't know about two parties and then the texts get worse from there... calling me and my friend names and just being mean and hurtful!

Of course on Sunday come the apologies and then he said he would come to the house if I wanted to see him and I told him I didn't... of course he said that hurt him and no one understood "the cross he had to bare" with the guilt, sadness, etc...

I haven't seen him but I think he'll be there tonight but I hope not. I haven't heard from him either... I want to tell him to just get out of my life but I'm unsure of his reaction...

Your problem is, you are too nice. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong about being nice but it comes to a point where you just become where other people lives your life.

It is your life, don't feel guilty for telling him to get out just because he has no where to go. He isn't treating you right at all. He having no where to go is his problem and not yours.

And what is taking the divorce so long? :confused:

Telling him to get out of your life is the right thing to do and that is what you should do. Don't think of his feelings, just think of all the abuse you have to deal with. Some people just don't deserve sympathy and he is one of them. Good luck!

Get rid of him and move on with your life, you may find someone that is better in the future.. but it won't be while that jerk is around!

I hear you on not being able to move on with life with him still around. It's not all his fault though because I now realize I'm blurring the lines by being nice and still allowing him to be a part of my life.

Just this weekend, because he was sick, I did things for him like bringing him medicine, something to drink etc. Probably didn't help matters by going grocery shopping with him and allowing him to pay. I know he doesn't have the money but he's been eating the food I buy for months now and I welcomed the help. I wasn't able to buy any this weekend and was completely out of a lot of things...

The light bulb clicked on that somehow he things things are going to work out for us after all the court stuff is done. I can't and SHOULDN'T let go of the things that have happened!! And I won't!! It's my choice and he's trying to take that away from me... and I'm allowing it.

Tonight I'm laying it out straight...

Honey... make SURE there is someone there you can count on when you lay it out for him.

Do NOT do this alone, just the two of you.

Please.

Why do you keep on doing for this man? Your suppose to be getting strong and avoid him. He is dangerous! Your life could be taken away in a heartbeat.. It's always something else.. I thought you were heading in the right direction, why do you even talk to him..

I didn't get the chance to talk to him last night because he wasn't around but it's probably better because I didn't have anyone else around... not smart or safe.

I am stronger than I used to be... believe me! I'm still not where I need to be and I'm aware of this but I'm trying to take steps to do so. I can't bring myself to do the steps needed to get him out of my house and life because of the case pending and because, well, I'm just trying to be safe about things...

If he thinks that I'm "rolling over on him" then he has nothing to lose right? If he's going down he will most likely take me down with him. Sure a restraining order sounds good... but it's just a piece of paper and doesn't apply to his friends.. I'm just trying to be smart or though I feel I am...

I don't cry and get upset over the things he does anymore and I think that means I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. He can't manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault because it's not! Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and own choices and he decided to strangle me when I didn't pick the one he wanted me to... that's why he's where he is right now... not because of me. I think that's a huge step that unfortunately took me forever to get to :(. I'm going to continue to plug along and I will get 100% there eventually, I will!

Loveanimals do you have any family you can go to? Or a friend other than him? Yes, you can get a restraining order and its not a piece of paper. What state do you live in? I know NJ the state is tougher now on Domestic Violence even putting your hand on someone. Your automatically arrested. I would be so scared of that man, I don't know how you can even stomach him in the same room, nevertheless talk to him. You have to be strong, you need a backup.

I can't bring myself to do the steps needed to get him out of my house and life because of the case pending and because, well, I'm just trying to be safe about things...

Every day you delay, you become less safe.

I want to offer a perspective that isn't often seen, and most certainly isn't well received by most if any out there.

It's devastating to see that the typical and common response to this type of situation is that in all cases, or at least the vast majority of cases, a man that has unfortunately resorted to violence can and will likely repeat that behavior.

As a man who has been exposed to that most devastating and unfortunate choice, I've learned that the years of abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical) I'd suffered as a child had developed in me a pattern of behavior that I would resort to in my adulthood. For years, I've been an 'angry' man - yelling often, using profanity, even throwing things or destroying my own possessions. It was the behavior I grew up with, and had always thought that there were many people - particularly men - that would behave this way when angry. It was what I learned, and it was what I did - and I was none the wiser.

During an intense argument with my wife several months ago, I found myself in a most desperate situation and ultimately resorted to violence. I grabbed her and yelled at her and threatened her, and within that moment, have found that I had destroyed my marriage, my family, and ultimately my sense of self worth. Never once did I believe I was capable of that sort of behavior. Never once had I believed I was entitled to acting out in such a horrid manner, and even believed myself that domestic violence was and is utterly unacceptable. Nevertheless, that day - everything changed, and there is nothing I can do that will undo the damage and trauma I've caused my family.

Since that day many months ago, I've undertaken a very intense journey to understand why I acted in such an unacceptable manner, why I was not able to control my anger, and why my decision was to do what I did. I have felt so utterly devastated by the emotional pain I've brought unto my wife that I can barely breathe, even to this day - some 4 months later. I find it difficult to look in the mirror at myself, for when I do I see a pathetic man who was not able to treat his wife properly, and while I may be a good man inside, my actions did not reflect that of what a good man does.

I am attending many types of therapy and counseling, for I wish to NEVER repeat this behavior again - never again, not once, for the rest of my life. I am so desperately committed to change that I scour every internet source I can find to see if there may be even one becon of hope for a man in my situation - but unfortuantely all too often, the overwhelming response is that I should have no hope for myself, and that I am doomed to repeat my behavior. Every time I see a flip response or someone offering their quick judgment to someone who is asking a fair question - to say "No, you must leave him NOW!" or when asked if he can change, the answers are "No" or "Never!". Is there truly no hope for the man that wants nothing more in his life that to ensure that he is safe - and those around him can be safe, forevermore? Is there no hope that I can banish these same lessons I'd learned when I was growing up, and to never expose my own children to this monstrous behavior - and bringing to them their own certain pain of the cycle of abuse?

Is there NO way I can change? Is there NO way I can put an end to the cycle of abuse and violence? While I admit that going to just a single form of counseling will have spotty results, my own experience is telling me that true change is very much a possibility but only when the individual seeks it in every venue and every resource and commits fully to the incredibly hard work involved in undergoing such intense change. It will take some time, but even in 4 months I have become a different person in relation to anger, my ability to communicate, and in my general response to observing violence and abuse in others. As I look forward, I am fully convinced that there is hope for me and others like me - but at the same time, also recognize that there are men out there who just don't get it - and who, with all the help in the world, may never fully recognize their own behaviors and be able to overcome their own challenges with abuse and violence.

But please know, all of you - that there are men like me who know they have made a most tragic mistake, and that while we are human - we take total responsibility for our own actions. We do not blame others, but only seek to understand such that we can improve ourselves and purge this pattern of behavior from our lives forever. There ARE men who need the support of these various 'anonymous' internet sources as we seek to understand ourselves, to recognize and fully comprehend the total impact of our behavior, and to seek help in finding a path to improvement. If we collectively dismiss all men who have been caught up in this cycle, aren't we also dooming those who DO have hope of rehabilitation to never being able to fulfill that mission?

I am so very sorry to every single person out there who has had to suffer at the hands (or words) of violence. The nightmarish experience lingers in us all who have been there, and it is because of men like me - or at least, the man I USED to be.

Changing this is not easy at all... It is so incredibly hard, and it takes a pure comittment that can never be shaken or weaken with time. It takes total and complete vigilance to the process of change, that it must be at the center of your being. Yet change IS possible, maybe for only an unfortunate few.

Read your post and count all the reasons in it for you to stay with him. Then reread it and count the reasons to NOT stay. I think you already know the answer. This man humiliates you, degrades you, disrespects you, makes you feel bad about yourself AND not only emotionally, but physically hurts you! Think about the man you imagined yourself marrying when you were younger. Did you ever imagine him doing any of these things? Of course not! We get attached to what we know because we're scared of the unknown, but a relationship should make you feel happy, loved, confident, secure. Right now it sounds like your relationship is not giving you any of those things.

Also, I don't know if you have children, or if you are planning to, but having witnessed it between my parents when they were going through their divorce I can say this: if you can't leave him for yourself, do it for your kids, or those in your future. My parents are both now infinately happier but what I witnessed 10 years ago has still left scars that affect me today. My mother tells me she only wishes she had left before things had gotten to that point. You're not the only person to go through this. Make the choice for yourself, leave now. You CAN do it!

You sound like you're beginning to think you are your own person. That's good.

I hope it's not too much longer that you make the bold move that needs made.

Just a reminder to make sure you have support around you, day and night.

It is possible for an abuser to change but is it likely? Hell no! It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors. It’s like child molesters…they can’t change because it is how their brains were hardwired. It can be beaten into him that it is “bad” but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals. All of it requires that he willingly accept that what he is doing is wrong and needs to be corrected then start therapy, in one form or another, to start finding out what happened to him to make him behave/think like that.

Final opinion - leave and stay away! He will do nothing but make you feel worthless and kill your self-esteem.

-------------------------------------------------------------


“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” - Anthony Robbins

He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them...you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate :(

Ok, you don't want to believe what the counselors have told you? Then how about hearing from someone who's been there?

I grew up abused, and somehow, that has a way of making it easier to end up in an abusive relationship. I've been beaten black and blue. I've had guns pointed right under my nose. I've even been shot as I walked away from one guy. My third husband, who was physically abusive starting as soon as the marriage license was signed, even threatened me via letters that he would be stalking me as soon as he got out of prison. (Why he was in prison, I never got a straight story but that was where he ended up after I had him removed from the house. The prison was in another state. - He missed out on being paroled because I contacted the prison and they were horrified by the letters he was sending me.) I have been stalked for refusing to be someone's girlfriend -- to the point of getting threatened with being fired for the number of phone calls (didn't matter that I hung up on him as soon as I heard the voice on the phone). I've been strangled so many times that I can't sing like I used to. And I've had worse than that happen, but I don't want to get that blunt.

They don't stop. Doesn't really matter what they say. It really gets old. But I figured it this way: maybe I couldn't walk away when I was a minor and it was my so-called mother beating me, but I damn sure didn't have to take that from a man.

Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that if it happens once, it's going to happen again. At first I didn't know how to begin to physically defend myself but I learned to fight back before I made myself a "standard rule." That rule was if it happened once, I would accept an apology. If it happened a second time, they wouldn't be living with me. I either left or had them removed by the police when they wouldn't take being thrown out nicely.

You don't want to stay with him. You may be going to some kind of therapy (with him?), but playing down the violence means that he doesn't take it seriously. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't have a problem.

It's not your fault. He is the one that has to control him. I bet you've heard all about how you "make [him] hit [you]." You don't make him hit you. He does that because he won't control himself enough, and because he can't control the situation. If you're not doing what he wants, how he wants, when he wants, it will set him off but it's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT -- HOW HE BEHAVES IS HIS OWN FAULT!!! You do NOT have to take it!!

You need to get out of the relationship before he kills you. If you have to, leave and come back for your stuff with "company" (read that as "the biggest male friends you can get to go with you"). Generally, the presence of a large man will make them keep their distense while you pack your stuff and get it out.

In the second paragraph above, I didn't mean that I'd been shot -- I meant that I had been shot at and missed as I was walking away.

Well... Survior07 the day has finally come...

So much has happened and I finally reached my breaking point. This last Sat I got a text from this chick he's been hanging out with that he was arrested for two more felony charges and that she was sitting in his car (that I pay for) in my driveway.

Long story short, I broke everything down to her about him when I drove her home. I called two of his friends to let them know what happened and then he called me. I wasn't bailing him out this time... but his friends did.

I picked him up so I could talk to him and basically tell him I had had enough when of course he gets defensive. It's late so I just go to bed but I take all the keys in the morning so he can't go anywhere. I forgot one and he's been running around ever since but he no longer has keys or access to the house.

He just sent a message asking if he was going to get his keys back or if he should stay gone and I asked if he could stop by tomorrow so we can settle everything and he agreed. Several people know he will be over and I have times I'm supposed to text to let them know things are okay... so I'm being safe.

I'm spelling everything out for him tomorrow... everything he already knows... I have reached my point and beyond! I truly, honestly want him out of my life now and don't care what he does to get by... just know I'm not footing the bill any more!

Did I mention that he took some of my jewlery and took loans on it at a pawn shop without telling me? I got everything back but he basically stole them! I told him know one was allowed over at the house and he brings a friend over to do their laundry... He is truly delusional.

He says everyone has filled my head with things (the counselor, friends, family) where I feel the only option is to leave. He says I'm giving up. If I stay with him I'm giving up on myself... no more... I'm done.

Thank you all for all your support and opinions and sharing your experiences. I will post on Saturday if I can and let you know how it all goes... if not definitely by Monday.

Thanks again... LovesAnimals

Good-keep this final now.
I would urge you to have someone there with you when he comes over. Good luck.

For whatever reason I think there's one day when you say, just as you have said, "I can't do this any more." And then it's over. It's not that you love or don't love. It's just that you don't care any more.

Stay strong! Keep in touch.

Hello Loves Animals,

Thinking about you and hoping you update soon and more importantly that you are all right.

Everyone has their breaking point when enough is enough. I hope for the best for you.

Hey€¦its€™s been a couple weeks since I updated.

Well on Friday I told him he couldn’t stay at the house any more and he had until Sunday to figure things out on where he was going to stay. I ended up giving him the keys to the truck for the time being because it was really rainy and chilly out and one garage door opener because he said he would just kick the door down. I just figured I would get everything back on Sunday and that would be that…not so much �

He didn’t bring the truck back and didn’t take his stuff. Mind you he has a lot of clothes and stuff but he only took enough for a day or two. Then the week started and I’m off to my hectic work schedule. I decide last weekend would be it! For real.

I packed all his clothes and shoes into storage containers and left them in the front room. Then I told him every opportunity that he couldn’t stay there anymore and I didn’t trust him. I had told him on Monday the 7th I would give him until the 13th to pull everything together.

Well….that didn’t happen but I get fed up with him using me and my home as a place to stop for food, a shower, a place to stay every once in a while…so I disabled the garage door opener so he couldn’t use that to get into the house and locked everything else up. It got his attention and he called cause he was locked out…that was today. I couldn’t get into it all when I was at work but I told him that he can’t come and go as he pleases…it’s not his house. Of course he said please don’t do this….not now…

I caved sort of. I gave him the key to unlock the door and then he returned it and said Sunday was the last day and I’d talk to him then. I’m telling him yet again that he is no longer staying at my home. I want to move on with my life and not with him… I am taking the garage door opener away from him or disconnecting it again come Sunday. He can continue to use the vehicle if he makes payments to me for it while he has it…

I feel bad cause he says he has no where to go…but that’s really not my fault. He’s the one who did the things he did and made the choices he made. He could have taken a different path but he didn’t and that was his choice, not mine! I’ve given him every opportunity to help himself yet he hasn’t…

Time to take care of me and not worry about him anymore… I need to cut all ties and that will make everything easier. I plan to file for divorce and he knows that but said I’d wait until after his case. I will use that as leverage if I have to. I honestly just really really want him out of my life.

Any suggestions on how to get him out of the house other than the cops or eviction notice. Any way to play his game so it back fires on him? I think pulling the divorce card is my only option to get him to move on…

I’m so frustrated….

Thanks, LovesAnimals

Sorry about the wing dings... I copy and pasted from word :(

My suggestion is stop playing his game and letting him walk all over you. The cops and an eviction notice are you leverage. Get a divorce, and protect yourself.

You have procrastinated long enough, and you know it. Sorry to be harsh, but you have had all the power all along, your just afraid to use it.

You have to get out of there - you're living with a ticking time bomb. Next time he may kill you.

First of all you need to know and understand that only a very small percentage of abusers can be helped, then they have to want the help, not just a means to get you back for more, serious long term help. Some abusers actually have personality disorders and they can not be helped. There is nothing you can do to love them enough to make them well.. Do an on line search and read all you can about all the personality disorders. Do not get sucked into, but I had a terrible childhood blah blah blah, no excuse, lots of people survived bad times and don't abuse. You can't make up for or fix their childhood or give the love they did not get, it is their problem to deal and solve THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE.

Plan your escape because you will never have a normal life. Actually if you stay you may not have a life at all.


-----------------------------------------


It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.