All I can say is BE FIRM. I know you don't want to use the help that is available to you. But at least back up what you say and what you want by your ACTIONS. Lock him out. Tell him you will call the police if he tries anything. Then do it.

You have to be consistent in what you say and do to get him to believe you want him out of your life and home.

Just remember you're not dealing with a normal thinking human being here. He is an abuser. That is why everyone on here is telling you to use the resources available to you to help you remove him.

Best of luck. Please do not cave. You are on the right track. Be safe. Thinking of you

It's been a while since I posted because my life has been crazy... more than usual!

I decided enough was enough and packed up all his stuff... I mean everything and said he was out! Then I get a call a week and 1/2 ago early in the morning and he's in the hospital because of a car accident he was in (not at fault or any of my vehicles). Of course I go because he's on my insurance and I was the one he notified. I called his family and when I saw them I told them everything that had been going on... everything!

I went to see him several times and I reached a point where I do not go there any more and I do not speak with him unless it concerns the insurance or... oh yeah the break in.

My house was broken into last week and I suspect it was that girl he was seeing (but is not seeing any more) because they got past my dogs... and only took certain things. I thought maybe he was even behind it at first to scare me into wanting him back at the house... but they took his ID and bank information and drained his account...

Well, I guess my point to this update is that I'm staying strong and he is not coming back to my house to heal and get better and communication is only done when necessary. His stuff is packed up and will be taken to where ever he will be staying... not with me.

You are right... time to step up to the plate and stick to my guns. Enough is enough. He doesn't really love me and never has... only used me. Well he can move on and use the next girl, not me! By chance the accident happened and I'm sorry because multiple people were injured but it gave me my opportunity to get him out of my house and out of my life...

I know there is still a long road but at least I'm still moving forward and I think this is a giant step. If it's not and I'm just convincing myself it is... please someone call my attention to it... I do truly want to move on. I have to remind myself of all the things he did to me and put me through. I remind myself that he is a user and fake and the man I married doesn't exist... the one I'm with now is the true person.

Thanks for all your continued support and honestly to help me get through this and move forward. I will post again soon and let you know how things are...

Thanks again,
LovesAnimals

Please keep us posted - you are very often in my thoughts.

I cannot believe what you have gone through! You are one strong woman!

You stay strong! Were right behind you. Keep on moving forward, and never look back. Good luck.

I bet taking action on your own behalf feels good right now. Keep it up.

I just got out of an abusive relationship only on was on both ends. Me and my girlfriend were drunk and got into a huge fight. She punched me like 10 times and spit in my face. I then blacked out and hit her. We arnt going out anymore because I need to work on my problems. This guy doesn't seem to want to change and I'm vary happy you got out of this. I feel so bad for what I did and I'm kind of afraid of my anger now so I am seeing some help for that.

I'm happy he is out of the house. Things happen for a reason. You did take a big step. Follow through. Stay strong.

Hi everyone... so everything escalated completely out of control but I'm trying to get everything in order.

Many of you probably thought that I would cave and bring him back to the house after the hospital and well... you were right. As I thought and everyone I know, that was the biggest mistake ever! His family wouldn't take him so I felt stuck and guilty... He was only supposed to stay until the end of week till he found somewhere else to go. His stuff was all packed in boxes in the garage ready to go!

While in the hospital he missed a court date and had a bench warrant. When he was at the house... he got picked up and had to stay in a couple of days until he could get things straightened out.

As you all know my marriage has been long over and I should have cut off all ties and should have not helped him anymore... but felt guilty in a way. Well, I got tired of putting my life on hold so I started seeing a guy that I've known for years and he knew my whole situation. I know I should have waited but... no excuse I know...

My husband was in custody and got out and I picked him up to bring him back to the house to get his stuff and move out. Things slipped right back to the same old. I took him to the Dr because... I don't know why? He went off on me because he asked if I was seeing someone and said yes. He called me every name in the book and threatened me (but not directly). I immediately went to a friends after returning home and he took off too. I went home in the morning to find that he had taken my cash and various random things from the house. He had court that morning.

I went to the court and told him and his attorney I had had enough and was no longer helping his case at all. I told his attorney that everything in the report was true! Then I left and changed the locks on the door.

He stayed gone and didn't call until a couple days later when he wanted to use the computer and get things. I called the police to have a buffer but threatened and then promised nothing would happen and I'd better call them off, so I did. Things got heated. There is no reasoning with someone who is so out there... He got physical again but is injured so I got away. He finally left with a lot of his stuff. I was so mad at myself and in shock!

I took pictures of my injuries (bruises) and then got the nerve to call the police the next night and reported it this time. I'm being very careful where ever I'm at because I just don't know what to expect. I cancelled everything I was paying for for him so he's probably even more enraged. I just didn't know what else to do! I have to server all ties and be strong.

I'm not going to go into hiding but I am scared because he knows where I work and of course where I live. I would hope he'd have the sense to just stay away but somehow I don't think so. It's been almost a week since I've heard from him so I'm getting even more on edge. He did say once that the best time to pay back someone is when they least expect it... I never would have thought he was this evil of a person. He also wants to make me lose my job and just completely ruin my life.

I was going to wait to file for divorce until he gets locked up... because he will so it would be easier but I don't know? You were all right and my family and my friends. Why didn't I listen? I didn't think I was stupid but I guess I'm not that bright either...

Any thoughts on how to be safe... and still live a normal life?

thanks,
LovesAnimals

FIRST: You are not stupid.

Repeat that to yourself. YOU are not stupid.

Good on you for finally getting rid of him!

Safety stuff:

ALWAYS lock your doors and windows. Car, house, wherever.

Always get an escort to your car from your job when you leave. EVERY time. If there is no security to do it, then ask a co-worker if they will please walk with you.

For the time being, don't go places alone. Get a friend to go with you to the grocery store, shopping at the mall, wherever. Your family sounds very supportive--maybe you have someone in your family that could stay with you for a couple of weeks?

Change your phone number.

Change your email addresses where possible.

Call the major credit agencies and set up passwords for opening new accounts with your name/social security number. Make your password a HARD password--not the name of a pet, or your mother's maiden name or any of that. If they'll let you, use something like "14 dozen aspirin cookies".

Get a lawyer, and file for divorce. Get a restraining order while you're at it.

DO get out as often as you can--with friends. Go out to dinner, out to a movie, out to coffee.

Take a self defense course. It's a good time-filler, and will give you confidence in yourself.

Thanks for all the good advise Synnen. Well this is where I'm at now...

I am still taking steps forward. I called and got him cancelled on my accounts such as Sam's club, AAA, etc... I called and set up an appointment to see the lawyer that helps women/men at the domestic violence office in my area. That appointment is for next Wednesday (the soonest I could get in). I am going to move forward and file for divorce and also file a restraining order at the same time if they can help me with that too.

I'm trying to sell all joint property that we are both financed on such as the motorcycle. I won't ride it and he won't be able to pay for it. I work two jobs right now and I'm burnt out. I need to get rid of bills like I'm getting ride of him. It will also make the divorce a little smoother without all the assets too.

My family is very supportive now that I've pulled my head of the sand! They don't live near by so they can not stay with me. I do have someone in my life though that is really helping me through all of this. We have been friends for a few years and now it has moved into more... Although it helps, he is not the reason I'm moving forward on all this. I'm just done and want to move on with my life alone or with someone doesn't matter as long as my husband is gone!! I am being very careful and I've been following the advise given to be safe.

Thank you for your support and encouragement to finally help me get to this place in my life. It's been a struggle but I'm glad I finally made it! I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Keep you posted on what happens with his court and the divorce... Thanks again!!

I'm so glad to see your spirits up!

Please keep us posted--I'm cheering for you here!

Okay... this is the situation now... My husband came over to get more things the other day. I let him in because he had a friend with him (female) that seemed to be more on my side and said she didn't know him well or what was going on. My husband and I argued but that was about it. He was getting things packed in his car when the police showed up and arrested him. This is because he had put hands on me the last time he was at the house and I told the police what happened. They were just driving by to check on me and saw him there so they took him in.

Now he's sitting in jail and can't get bailed out this time. He called me several times the day they took him in and I answered the phone (prepaid mintues left from last time he was in). The money on the prepaid ran out and I haven't renewed so I can not longer accept his calls until I renew it again. I am chosing not to. When I feel sad for him and almost think about excepting I remind myself that he had no right to grab me by the hair and yank me to the ground... and I should have told what he did. His actions put him there... not mine.

His lowlife friends tried to take our car saying he gave them permission but I stood my ground and eventually got it back. I've been paying for it this whole time so I sold it to a friend who is assuming payments on it... This way he cannot take it back if/when he gets out on bail this time.

I know he must be mad, confused, upset, scared and every emotion you can think of right now because his family doesn't want anything to do with him and I'm trying to separate as well and move on with my life. Yet I can't help but feel sorry for him and wish I could help but I know helping him is only enabling him. Although he has done things wrong I really don't think jail/prison is going to really help him change at all. I think it will make him worse. I couldn't imagine sitting in a little cell day and night only to go out to eat, shower, etc... and also knowing there is no one waiting for him when he does get out. I don't know what I would do... but then again... I would never be in that situation to begin with. I would never do the things he did to be in that situation...
Is there anything I really can do fro him at this point? If I help I'm enabling... He should call his lawyer or a friend to get a hold of her. I called and left a message. Honeslty it's not my responsiblitly but why do I feel guilty...

Honey, you feel guilty because he's CONDITIONED you to feel guilty.

Hold strong. You're doing the right things.

Lots of love and prayers sent your way.

The guilt is normal. Synnen is so right. Someday it will be gone. You'll get stronger and stronger with each step you take in the right direction. Just be safe. Take care

So... I'm forcing myself to move forward on everything and keep reminding myself that I'm not really to blame.. his actions are. Helps to have a good support system now ;) Even though my family is 2500 miles away I have a few good friends and my boyfriend who is a god send.

My husband's friends bailed him out yet again. His other friends that I've been in contact with let me know... a heads up. He tried calling but then he's been going through his friend. He has accepted the fact that his vehicle is gone but he'll have his bike. A friend of his is going to pick up the bike tonight and I'm going to take the rest of his personal things to another friends so he can get it there. Then there should be no reason for him to ever need to come over to my house again... I wouldn't think. I will take his mail to the friend's house that lives nearby.

I'm finally taking things one step further now... I set up an appointment on Friday to see a paralegal about starting my divorce. I've waited so that I wouldn't hurt his case(s) but someone told me they are looked at separately. Besides, I need to sever ties before he accumulates more debt. If I place separation in March (which is when I really made the final decision to not reconcile) will I be liable for the debts he got after that date? I'm proposing in the divorce that I take the thousands and thousands in debt and also keep all the assets except his personal ones and anything he really needs. I hope he goes for it because if he doesn't I don't know what I will do? All the debt is in my name (credit cards mostly) and I know he will not pay it and I'll get stuck with it anyway. Let's face it, he's probably going to go to prison/jail so...

I look back and see my posts from the beginning and I think how could I even think the way I was? Don't get me wrong... I still have a long way to go to be okay but like you all said... I'm going in the right direction. I've learned a lot from all of this too about myself and what I want out of life and I'm still learning.

Thanks for all the support. Believe it or not, this site has really helped me. Hearing other peoples stories and reasurrance that I'm not crazy and what I'm going through is normal. It may not be at the pace other go but I'm made it here and it feels good. I do still feel guilty at times but then remind myself that he's not really guilty for what he did...

Thanks everyone and I'll let you know the verdict in his case and how the divorce goes ;)

We're still cheering for you, hon.

You have NO idea how wonderful it is to hear how you're doing--I'm so glad you're moving forward and taking care of YOU!

Best of luck to you,stay the strong person you have become.
Happy future!

You sound positive and strong. Keep it up. It will get better. Much, much better!! Every time you feel the guilt or have second thoughts and doubts, push them right out of your head and think of something positive, like your new future. Best wishes, LovesAnimals!

Well... it's been a couple weeks since I've posted and things are progressing with the divorce and my emotional state and co-dependancy to my husband.

I signed the divorce papers and they are being filed as I type. I also sold our motorcycle so that's one less bill on the plate. My husband will text me random texts that say he's sorry and wants to be friends and not to end things like this. Then he'll send texts asking about my new guy. Then he'll send hateful texts that progressivly get worse. The same cycle but it's just with text instead of him saying it. I simply don't respond. The last text I sent in response asked him to only text or contact me about things that have to do with us, our divorce, or his belongings (which are mostly moved to his friend's house now) and anything personal is none of his business and said I would do the same.

Of course he's not doing that but I no longer respond. I felt a small sense of closure this last weekend when we sold the bike but also a little sad too... I never wanted my marriage to end like this but it couldn't be fixed. It was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us.

Well... I just wanted to post that things are moving forward and I'm trying not to look back. I have a new life ahead of me without him and he is not my responsibility. No adult is anyone's responsibility but their own... Thanks again and I'll let you know what happens with the court date in the next couple weeks... Thanks again...

Funny--you were JUST on my mind today.

Good to hear that things are going better, and that you're standing your ground!

I can't tell you how proud of you I am!

I can't believe all the difference between the first posts and the last posts! So much change! Sure, you still have a long way to go but you have already done the hardest part! I am so amazed and proud (even though I don't know you!)

Racquel58 you are so right... when I go back and read my posts from the very beginning it seems like a different person. I can't believe what an emotional and mental hold he really had on me? I look back at different situations and can't even believe how I reacted?!

Thank you to all of you that continued to support me through all of this, even me wanting to know how to forget everything so I'd be okay with him again. Both my husband and I fed off each other and it was a bad situation for both of us!

We both took paths in our lifes to change that although his was by force and he didn't take a healthy or legal one. Not only is he facing the first charges against me, but two other unrelated charges and another one against me... I didn't report him the first time and know now I should have. Women like me that protect the person who is hurting them (even if it was the first time)... don't help matters or those women that are trying to get out. It's a tough gig though with emotional abuse that turns violent because I just didn't want to see it and couldn't believe it was happening to me... you know. I'm not a stupid person so I didn't understand how I could have been so stupid!!

I know I have issues to still deal with and I will instead of pushing them in the back of my head. My boyfriend now helps me to face things when I don't want to. I've know him for a few years and he's seen me go through must of this, so understands. I have good friends around me that have also helped as well as all of you here. I will continue to work on myself and I will have that healthy happy life / relationship I've always wanted ;)

I just delivered the proof of service paperwork to the lawyer last night so now that balls in his court. Since he didn't make his last court appearance he now has bench warrants out. Chances of him responding to the divorce are about .00001% I would say so then it's just the waiting game for the next 6 months right?

Thanks again for everything... everyone... and I really mean it! Since things are moving forward and I've gotten to the place everyone was hoping for, I don't know if I'll post again for a while or at all... If anything new happens or I need some more advise I won't hestitate to ask you ;) Again thank you everyone who commented and helped!

LovesAnimals

Honey--I'm SO glad for you!

I hope that even if you don't post on your situation again that you come back and help other women who are in the shoes you were wearing when you started.

It's been an incredible journey with you, and though we've never met in person, I hope you know that you're special to me and that I'm so very very proud of you!

Can my marriage survive domestic violence?

Pretty simple question. I would say no. Marriage is based on trust and working with each other. How can you trust someone who you fear is going to hurt you? Or even worse, end your life?

Ok.. He's good for awhile. He convinces you he's sorry and will never do it again.. and that you're the love of his life.

You find something you two don't agree with whole heartedly? What happens then? Does he turn aggressive? Does he threaten your life? What if you have kids? (if you don't already) and he threatens them.. or he uses them against you?

I don't know. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I have seen some. Mostly mental abuse, never physical.. And I just don't think that if you have to walk on eggshells around your husband of X amount of years, that its just not worth it.

Of coarse, I'm pretty cantakorous myself and if my husband/boyfriend ever raised his hand to me... Well.. lets just say that he had best not go to sleep before me :)

I wish you the best of luck. Just always remember you are a very capable woman and you will do fine on your own.

Lucky--if you'd read the whole thread, she's already left him and moved on.

It's been a very arduous journey for her, and we're very proud that she got out and took care of herself.

One more final post for me... even though I thought the last one was it ;) My husband just made a plea deal and is receiving 4 years in prision for his first violation against me and 2 years on the other one to run at the same time. I spoke with him on the phone a couple of days ago for closure. First I had a set back and melt down last week... then my new boyfriends brutal honesty brought me back. He said I was like a rollercoaster with my emotions and wanted the strong person he knew back!! I've been feeling guilty cause my husband was in jail and going to prison but he did that... by his choices.

I did get some closure in speaking to him on the phone though... he could say he was sorry (like I really believe him) and I forgave him but unfortunately will never forget ;( I told him I never wanted things to turn out this way but maybe good will come of it and he can get on a good path... Our divorce will be final 6 months from March 4th as well. We have no children and no assets together after the divorce is final so I should be free.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes moving on is still a struggle but I've come this far so I can't stop now... I believe I made it or at least I'm well on my way... Again, thank you everyone... and I

Some times getting the police involved is the best answer to stopping it. You will die if you let this continue. It is like how an alcoholic dies but quicker.

No it is not fixable. Not unless you spend years away from him where you both do personal growth work, and never take drugs again. If you do leave him even temporarily you need to go to a safe house. This is serious. Find the place and make life arra

Did you ever wonder why you have an affinity for animals? Because you may know how it feels to be treated like one. I have had a relationship like this and I love animals too! You would never let one of your animals be treated this way no matter how

Also having sex when you are being coerced into it is not really consensual sex is it?