I have been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband threw me a 40th birthday bash at our acreage. Approximately 50 - 70 people where there. My husband thought I was flirting with 2 male ex-coworkers, both whom I had worked with for 4 years. Both of the men are married and one of their wives were attending the party. I admit I was flirting, but it was in a joking way that all of us have in the past. There were two pictures taken that my husband did not like. One was one friend was in a lawn chair and I sat on his lap and took a picture. The other I was standing next to the other friend and as the picture was taken he picked me up (like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold). Also in that picture the guys wife was in the background watching. Well needless to say he was pissed. I apologized and told him I could understand why he could be mad, but told him nothing was going on. A few days later, he was going through my purse and found some pictures from a couple months earlier of some friends that went out for a going away party, well the guy that I sat on his lap was in one of the pictures and my husband came completely unglued. I cannot go on about how mad he was, he packed a bag, wanted to go over the this guys house and tell his wife that we were messing around. He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around. So on and so forth. This happened on July 8 and it is now August 15. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him, he doesn't want me going out with any of my single friends. I gave him a kiss this morning and he made a comment about getting my lipstick on him and not my boyfriend. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me, but I don't know what more to do. I HAVE NOT had an affair. All I do is work, come home and take care of his 18 year old son, and my 9 year old son in the evenings. He is not home in the evenings because he goes to work at Noon and gets off around 11:00 p.m. I work 8 - 5. He thinks I am messing around in the evening. I don't want our marriage over, but I am SO tired of being accused of something I have not done.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. It seems like your marriage is definitely on thin ice, but I think with plenty of effort things can work out.

The problem is that he does not trust you anymore, and in any relationship trust is very important. Now, I'm not saying he has a good reason for not trusting you, I personally think he overreacted, but the issue is trust. The only option is to rebuild this trust. Is that possible? Yes. Will it be easy? No.

I suggest that you sit down and talk to him and lay it all out, especially the current situation. Tell him, again, that you have been faithful and more importantly tell him how much you love him and that you don't want things to fall apart. Let him know that you want him to trust you again and that you want things to return to normal. Also tell him that he is not being fair to you by being so mistrusting. Finally, let him know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix things BUT he has to also be just as willing.

Make sure you have this talk during a time when niether of you are in a hurry to go to work, because it will be a long talk. Moreover, he will more then likely yell at times, but you will need to stay calm that way it doesn't end up being a shouting match.

If this fails then I strongly suggest you two get marriage counseling. If he is against it, then you will need to go by yourself. Remind him that you want this to work, and if he changes his mind here is the name, number, and location of the counselor. Really, if talking to him doesn't work then a counselor is the only other option. Good luck and keep us up-to-date!

Thank you for your help. I am soooooo lost. I don't know what to do. I have talked to my mom and friends, and they all say I have put up with it for far too long. I just want to give this my best effort. But there are days, I just want to cry. I am normally a very strong individual, but I feel like I am getting broken down.

A month of this is definitely a long time. But I personally don't think you need to end it right away... UNLESS... he has been physically abusive, if this is the case then other measures have to be taken.

To me it sounds like before this incident your marriage was going really well. Am I right in assuming this? If so then as I said earlier, I think the problem can be resolved, it will just take some work. You really need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Put a few hours aside and let your feelings out to him. If communicating with him doesn't work then please go see a marriage counselor. It really is your only other option when it comes to fixing this problem.

Our marriage was going fine, there were ups and downs (like any marriage), but do you think he had these thoughts before or why would he have blown up so bad? I have given him no reason to mistrust me in the past. I used to be able to go do things with my friends, and now I cannot not do anything. Is this right? I have delt with it to try and understand his side, but I would like to do things.

He completely over-reacted, he had no right to do that.

I can understand having a jealous streak. I myself have one, and its got me into a few fights with boyfriends in the past. But acting like that over sitting on someone's lap, or being picked up by another man... it's uncalled for.

You should'nt have to put with that. I suggest you two get some time on your own, and go for a walk or something, and talk it all out.
Tell him that if you flirted, it was accidental and harmless... tell him that you realise that it hurts him, therefore you won't flirt anymore - but make it clear that the way he acted was totally unacceptable, and it won't be tolerated again.

Try and keep your cool through the chat too.
Best of luck.

Thank you. There are times I feel like it is all me. It is nice to feel like maybe I am OK. Thank you again.

No its definitely not right what he did or is doing. You are not some child that has to confined to the house. That's why you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Communication is essential.

Also, I'm not sure if he had these feelings before, it's hard to say. It's possible, but it could also be the chain of events that began at the party that set him off. Not sure... maybe a little of both.

Yet, either way, his behavior has gone too far and you need to talk to him to sort things out. Again, if that doesn't work see a counselor.

I don't think its about flirting since two reasonable people can sit down and hash out where the line is as it differs for each couple. I don't mean to alarm you but this is something that can be the indication of more serious stuff to come. Its all about control and oddly enough, if you give into it, it feeds the need for more control. Better to overreact to this now than take a wait and see attitude since, if it is the tip of the iceberg, what follows is domestic violence. Please seek professional help as soon as possible before he escalates into more extreme behaviour. For your sake as well as his.

I be pissed too... that's a little over the top. Flirting is one thing. That was out of hand. I wouldn't want my wife being picked up by some dude she worked with.

I had a girlfriend who flirted too much and thought it was OK... dumped her. Yu don't respect him either.

YOU need to change your act... BUT, also need to sit dow nfor a long time and LISTEN TO HIM!!

I would leave this guy immediately.

Why?

Based on what you said….


He kept me up all night that night yelling,


He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around.

He stripped off your clothes? They way I have interpreted this is that this is abuse.

If he can go that ballistic, it is time to move on.

Plus the constant controlling of you and the constant remarks about a “bf”. If he is that big of a baby as well, you are better off without him.

Thank you for your comment. I feel inside this should be done, but I hate starting over again. I am divorced once, I feel like a failure doing it again. I know that sounds weak, and I am normally a strong person, but like I said earlier I am feeling weak, like I am giving in.

You are innocent of any wrong doing, And any abuse you take is up to you. Even though you are 40 you've only been married for 3 and a half years. Take heed stop the abuse and being made to feel guilty now or it will escalate with time. He needs help and either he gets it or somebody has got to go!! Ain't that much love in the world.

No - I don't agree with the way the husabnd reacted at all. He's a louse too.

But this lady was way out of line - I am sorry - quit defending her.

She workeed with these guys for 4 years... then she's carrying on like that? That was more than flirting.

I bet $1 million she is NOT telling the entire story either.

Can we please have the full story?

I strongly feel she is not telling the full truth. I bet there is more to this. I just do.

Have you stopped to really think this through, it doesn't make sense that his over reaction came from this one event. Is it possible he has seen or heard of things that you have said or done in the past that all add up? I'm not accusing you of being unfaithful at all, I'm simply asking whether it is typical of you to sit on a man's lap who is not your husband? Although you thought it was and meant no harm, obviously, your husband felt differently, and he was threatened by it, as you would be too if the situation were reversed. Some gal you don't know, but apparently your husband knows well enough to invite her to sit on her lap on his birthday at his party... does that change the perspective a little.

He seems to be over emersed with feelings of insecurity and jealousy and you can't make him change that, but you can show him with your actions, not just words, that you are committed to him, your marriage, and that you will behave more appropriately, like a married woman. There is nothing wrong with having male friends when you're married, as long as they are friends of the both of you, and not just yours. My best friend is a single man and he is at my house a lot. However, I've known him for over 20 years, he was present at the birth of all of my children, is good friends with my husband (they are like brothers) and he is an uncle to my children (although not related), and his friend is over here often with or without him. He's not a threat to my husband or marriage in any way or form. Even with him, I draw lines, because I am married.

I agree with Wildcat. Flirting is one thing, but this was a little too touchy feely and if there was any alcohol involved, well that may have just made it worse.

Sit down with him and tell him you're sorry and that you don't want him to ever perceive you that way because your marriage comes first. I'm sure you are a good woman and he will see that in time, just be patient. However, having said that, don't allow it to become abusive, there's no justification for that.

That is the whole story-point blank. What I think is ironic, is my husband invited these two men - I didn't. If he felt there was suppose to be something between me and these men, why did he invite them. This was a surprise party for me, for my 40th. What is also funny is, the guy that picked me up, my husband new before him and I met. I agree that I went too far with flirting and I apologized for doing so, over and over again. I have tried to give my husband a feeling of security, but it is to no avail.

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys??

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life?? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never OK.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

Well, I'm sure this is not what you want to hear but you set yourself up for those accusations. Your own conduct and those pictures you posed in were pretty incriminating if only circumstantial. Frankly I don't blame your husband for being angry. If it'd been me I'd have reacted the same way. I don't mean to pick you apart but you're a married woman in her 40s with children. You'd better turn over a new leaf and cut the flirting and picture-posing with these men or you'll end up with a broken heart.

You are on the right path for apologizing but I think the key here is not so much the words that come out of your mouth but your actions. Your husband going to the extreme and ripping your clothes off was uncalled for and a severe over reaction. I am not trying to justify his actions, but, if he's put up with years of your flirtatious behavior without really saying or doing much about it, this may have just been the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn't be surprised if he invited those guys just to see, or in his view, confirm that you would behave a certain way with them.

We all talk about work, and the people we work with. Is it possible that you may talk about these people a little too much? Then, finding these pictures of you, although in your eyes innocent, in an insecure husband's eyes they are just more proof. Sitting on this guy's lap just added fuel to the fire. 4 years of working with someone is really nothing, you are still pretty much strangers... unless you lunch with them frequently and have very personal conversations with them.

Whether you're 40 or 24, being married grants more modest behavior with the opposite sex. He's struggling with what he perceives as your lack of character. It's going to take time to show your husband that you are committed to him, and your marriage and that you are truly sorry for any behavior that may have lead him to believe these things about you. He needs compassion right about now. Be patient. These feelings he has didn't happen over night so in all likelihood they won't go away over night either.

If your husband continues to treat you poorly or verbally abuses you (heaven forbid physically either) than other measures need to be taken. I don't think therapy would do much in this situation. Just lots of honest, good, non-threatening communication. If he's simply not willing to do that, than ask him point blank if he would like you to go? Tell him that's the last thing you want, however, if he's unwilling to talk with you and work on your marriage, than you have no alternative. I truly believe that if you can communicate with him, this will make your marriage stronger than ever because it brings in all the important elements like trust, honesty and warmth towards each other. We don't know much about his personality other than he blew up that night and is still angry. Is he a good husband? Faithful, hard working, loving? If he is, then re-commit. Woo him back, just like when you were dating. Make his favorite meals, wear his favorite dress, plan a weekly dinner and a movie night and end it passionately. Remind him why you chose him to be your man. I think he will give it back to you ten-fold, good men usually do.

That is very nice advise, thank you. I appreciate it.

Just a note to "WildCat21" you seem to be an awful bitter man. You must be talking from experience with the being cheated on. No I have not dated either of these guys I am also friends with the wives.

No I have not cheated on anyone else. Nor would I cheat on my husband.

My husband, I thought, was more of a free spirit. When we were dating he told me about an instance when he video taped a friend of his having sex with his friends girlfriend, and that he got close enough with the camera to bump into them. I do not approve of this behavior either, but I don't keep bringing it up.

He also likes to "moon" everybody all the time. I don't feel that is appropriate either. It is not like I flash myself to anyone.

To me he has a lot of double standards, and it is frustrating.

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys???

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life????? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never ok.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

Wildcat21... you are an insecure person (not sure I wanted to call you a man... don't think you are worthy)! You are obviously just like this ladies husband! Maybe yous are brothers..! If my husband would have stipped me down the way this ladies did... I would have told him that he can look but if he does... that would be that last time he would EVER see me naked! If there is not proof of infidelity besides some lowsy pictures of "friendship" then... there isn't a marriage. If you don't trust someone... you should be married to them! Maybe he needs to be married to someone who smoothers him and wants to be with him 24/7! I guarantee he wouldn't be able to take that for too long!

Hang in there!!

Nope never been cheated on... I just know from experinece here what's really going on. We don't have the real story.

See - you just gave us more info.

What difference does that information make?:confused:

Please inspire me.

Love the insults - hahaha! Weak people.

Well, if you don't give us the entire story - then everything is BS.

You came here for sympathy and not answers. I know there is more to this story that you won't tell us. I just know from experience.

Spin away at your side of the story - I know your husband has another side.

We want the truth - not BS.

Well I Think... You Gave Him The Inch To Not Trust You,so As Some Men Will Do,thell Take It A Mile. Only Time Will Help Him Through This But Your Just Going To Have To Deal W/the Misstrust For A While. Now This Is All Assumeing You've Not Had Priour Misstrust Issues, And Or Hes Not Abuseing You Now Or In The Past. Turn The Tables How Would You Feel? And The Wife Was In The Photo Maybe There "swingers".point Is Hell Read Into ,over Anilise It. I Can Understand I Too Work And My Husband Is Jelous Of The Wierdest Guy Here! Hes Truly Shrimpy. But None The Less Were Friends, Friends Only!! And Ive Done Nothing To Suggest Other Wise Most Men Are Just Grown Boys And They Have To Work Through There Problems S L O W L Y... Just Don't Respond To His Negativity,hell Should Stop Soon Enough.

Wildcat21... you are right... there are two sides to every story! Right away you are assuming that she is lying which... I don't understand! Everyone else here only tells their side when asking for advise about a situation! Are you criticizing everyone the way you are criticizing this lady? You could've answered in a more tasteful way! Being blunt is OK... sometimes but do it using more respect! :) I have been cheated on and I would like to think I know the signs but I am no expert!

Think as you may "Wildcat", it is too bad everyone lies in your eyes.

I came to get helpful information and received it from several. I thank everyone who replied. I found some information useful for trying at home.

He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him.
Shakes my head here and gives it one last stab: I know enough to realise this right here, even if there HAD been infidelity, is enough to press legal charges for abuse and assault and land him in both jail and very likely an anger management or domestic violence program where I live. If that isn't enough to wake some people up, then I don't know what to say. I have had a front row seat to all sorts of things going wrong in couples as part of my professional life and it is simply not possible to mitigate irrational stuff like this with rational responses. I totally understand the need to try it but when it doesn't work, look me up. Good luck.

Consider some short term therapy/marriage counseling with your husband to let a 3rd party add some perspective. Obviously a trust issue/nerve has been touched in your husband - but his behavior is out of line and borderline abusive and not "in tune" with the incident. I think you are approaching the point where you need to say "Get past this" or "Get out". If he calms down even a little... you can offer a "how can I help you get past this" and work as partners... but only after the abusive treatment stops.

Yep I said she lied - nope.

All I said was I want the whole story. We are not getting the whole story. All I want is the entire story.

I am sure there is more to this.

I would like to add my two cents.. My cousins' husband was a very jelous man. Yes, she would flirt. I flirt, my husband flirts, his best friend flirts. Her husband was the biggest flirt of all. When the rest of us were flirting, it was innocent, but no so much w/ him. Anyway, he accused her of sleeping w/ 37 different men, & two women(yes, she kept a list). This went on of the 1st 9 years of their marriage. Then, right before their tenth annivarsary, he addmitted that HE slept w/ her 1/2 sister just 2 weeks BEFORE they got married!! All of those years that he was accusing her, was because of his own guilt. Same thing happened w/ my friend. Her husband kept implying that she was cheating on him, when latter it was found out that he was cheating on her. Ever heard the saying, "he who accuses has the most to hide". Neither of these women EVER cheated on anybody, yet both jelous husbands, who kept accusing both of them, each had an affair. Maybe your husband is feeling guilty about something? Also, I agree that he way over reacted, & I don't know that I would stay if it was me. Seems like total lack of respect on his part. Like I said, we flirt, but I trust my husband, & he trusts me. We both realize that it is all in fun. If you can't trust the person you are married to, then why be married?

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?
Can someone explain it to me please?
Flirting is meant to be a bit iof fun between single availabel people isn't it?
Not somehting that married or committed people should need to achieve.

Surely it only leads to the situations you have all described here.

I'm not condoning the husbands behaviour in either the original posters post or kymwm's post above.

But someone tell me why married people want to flirt yet they can't expect or accpet that there may some consequences??

When flirting hurts feelings or causes chaos it is no longer innocent. Some who are married don't mind, some do. When it becomes a problem it needs to be dealt with. When its done blatantly and in front of a partner who dislikes this kind of behavior then it is rude and disrespectful. A callous disregard for your partners feelings in my view. Also a sign of a relationship that is lacking. I would never make my partner feel so insecure especially after we had discussed it and made our feelings known. I'd love to flirt but not at my wife's expense or at the expense of my marriage. When in doubt, Talk it over (honest communication) and listen to each other. Which is obviously what the posters relationship clearly lacks. The husbands actions though are out of bounds, way out, in my opinion and should not be tolerated EVER. As to the wife's flirting, bad judgement on her part because there is no way she didn't know her actions would piss him off. There is a need for a heavy dose of marital counseling for this couple and maybe a separation to cool this situation off and clear thinking to take hold, or else this relationship is in the toilet. There are MANY issues to be worked through. The sooner the better.

I guess for some people it is a personnaly thing. I flirt w/ everyone, men, women, kids, animals. Many I should call it "fun loving" instead of flirt. It has never gotten me into a "situation". I guess when I do flirt, I also let it be known that I am happily married (12 years in Oct; together for @ 20years w/ dating). My husband is the same. But it is not an issue for us, we know it's harmless. And I assume that we send out "vibes" to the people we flirt w/ , because most people seem to know we are only having fun, nothing is meant by it, & that it is harmless. I have been a flirt since I was a kid, & from what I can tell, so has my husband.

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?
I think there is a difference between the kind of flirting that is innocent and fun, and flirting that is inviting and laden with innuendo.

Most friendly humans – married or not - do the basic innocent and fun flirting. Something as simple as a compliment can be called flirting. If I can say something friendly or funny and get a smile from a woman, there is no harm done. A compliment taken too far or delivered in a more than playfully alluring way gets into something that is not appropriate for a committed couple. If I were to deliver the compliment that involved an unwanted sexual invitation or with more than casual physical contact, I am not behaving in a respectful manner.

While I personally do not think BIM went too far in her behavior, I can certainly understand how sitting on a co-worker's lap or being carried around by another man could be interpreted as going to far by her husband.

By the same token though, regardless of whether there is more to the story or not, I believe the husband went much too far when he ripped the clothing off his wife.
That is crossing the line of respect and dignity.

Flirting whether you are out on a date or with your spouse is being disrespectful to that person. Everyone has their own thoughts on what is actually flirting. I am very friendly and laugh, talk, and smile at everyone. Most places I worked I was always closer to a male coworker than any of the females. I never flirted with them. My husband was fine with it because he could tell we were just friends and he would enjoy visiting with them also. He would have invited one of them to a party for me. I would never have sat on their laps or been picked up by one of them. I am sure my husband would not have been comfortable with that. By always being keeping that line between us kept my husbands trust.
I do feel your husband went over the line by removing your clothes. He is over the edge now. Did his X wife cheat on him? There is more going on in his mind than just this incident. If for over 3 years nothing like this has happened and he went from zero jealousy to 120% jealousy there is more.
I am not saying you did more, he has some issues.

He definitely has massive issues...

But I want the entire story. We're not getting that.

My wife will flirt from time to time with a guy when we are out at a bar... not the I want you to take me home stuff, but just little things. She doesn't hide she's married, and she's coming home with me, and if the guys happy to buy her a few rounds of pool and lose to a beautiful woman, then so what.

BUT I will say it IS disrespectful to flirt if the spouse is uncomfortable under reasonable circumstances. And then there are the guys who go ballistic for any attention a partner gives another man, such as casual conversation.

And in this case, he obviously has some serious trust issues. Something has likely happened to him, either in the past with someone else or with you. Or maybe with one of the guys he knows. I'm close to a cousin who I think is great, except he talks about how the guys at his work b1tch and moan about marriage, himself included. Maybe someone he knows had something happen and its rattled him... but it sure sounds like either he is either has been burned in the past or something is going on.

You have absolutely every right to be upset about the strip search... and any further accusations are just noise.

I'm afraid this trust issue is going to have to be resolved for both your sakes or the marriage is going to really suffer. What happens if you ask him, calmly and unaccusingly, has he ever been cheated on before in a previous relationship. There is a deeper mistrust he's showing that is not due to your flirting alone. You need to find, if you can, what the source is. Hell likely not give this up easily unless he's ready to confront the real issue.

You also are going to have to draw some lines that are reasonable in a marriage. He should not rummage through your items. There should be no reason for you to be hiding anything, but he's crossing a line. Ask him why in the world he thinks you have the energy and time to run around on him when you are devoted to your family.

And if you haven't you might say you are sorry you hurt his feelings for flirting, but you are not going to feel guilty for something that you've not done and have no intention of doing.

To an extent, I agree with what wildcat has said. It is really difficult to pin the blame on either one of you, especially after hearing only one side of the story. You know what you did or didn't do wrong, and no one here is really going to change that. You two have a history, you've been in a divorce before, we don't know what you allow with each other or don't allow with each other. Its tough to tell if either sides actions were out of line, each individual marriage has its own set of guidelines, some are more flexible than others. You need to just work this out the best you can in your mind. More than anything, be prepared to do what's best. You most likely already know what that is. When you've come to a conclusion, that's when you should ask people here if they agree and if you're thinking clearly. There's just too much information that we don't have and can't get. No need to make any rash or finalizing decisions, sometimes time makes people feel differently about their actions or reactions, but make sure you've tried to see his viewpoint and imagined how you'd feel.

UPDATE

Well my husband and I are going to counceling. First off she said that my actions were inappropriate for a married women, I agreed and apologized. Secondly, she told my husband that he needs to back off the accusations, majorly. She told him to apologize for ripping my clothes off me, he has yet to do that.

She has asked him several questions about sleeping, work, and stress relief and has come to the conclusion that he is probably dealing with depression and anxiety. He went to his family doctor and got some Paxill and a medication when he feels like he cannot sleep because his mind is racing and won't shut off.

Me on the other hand is working on trying to be a better wife. I have not gone out with my friends since this ordeal (July 8). I am feeling a little lonely though, my friends don't call or come over anymore because they make comments about having to "get permission." I have mentioned to my husband if it would be all right to go out for supper with them, and he said if it is not at a bar (sports bar) or someplace that serves alcohol. He made a comment to the counselor that he doesn't like my actions when I drink,so she went off on a tangent asking if I am an alcoholic. For the record, I am not. I drink every-so-often, I guess I am feeling a little controlled, but I am trying to ease his mind and make him comfortable.

I feel the situations is leveling off and the councelor is trying to work on why I flirted and what my husband can do to gear the flirting towards him and make him get the attention because that is what he said he didn't like, and I understand that now.

I guess I flirted to make myself feel better - I have gained about 15 pounds over the past year-and I am feeling crappy. My husband has made comments like "have another cookie" or "hey, why not have more ice cream" and then he sets Victoria Secret magazines on the table on marks pages of things he thinks I should wear - I get mixed messages. I am 5'5" and was 127 lbs last summer and now I am 142 and I hate it!

But anyway I thought I would give everyone a little update on the situation. There were a lot of comments about my behavior - I am really not a bad person and I swear I did not commit adulty (as some may think) I just made some poor choices. :rolleyes:

That's good. I'm glad you guys are getting therapy. Sounds like you guys needed it. I suggested to my ex we get counceling but she didn't want to because:

"if we need counceling before we're married, then maybe something is wrong?"

I think it would have helped us. She had some of the same tendencies you seem to have. Sounds like it's helping you guys. I commend you for putting effort into the relationship. I wish my ex had done the same. Counceling can be good, regardless of marriage or not. Especially if it saves the relationship.

Good luck.

Glad you are both getting some help.

Hope you both get to some middle ground. He's going to have to be OK with you going out with friends in the long run, and you're going to have to be sensitive to his frustrations. Hopefully with reassurrance you can both get to a better place soon.

Good to hear. It seems as though there is still some way to go but I can only applaud you for making such an effort.
Well done to you and your husband!
Keep it up!

WoW! I am so glad you went. I wanted you to look at things differently - and now it seems like you have.

I hope you don't feel I was trying gto protect your husband - he is more the problem than anything. Never was trying to protect him. Sounds like he has major issues.

If he hasn't apologised yet, well - that is right at all. If he's not willing to apologise for an terrrible act... well, maybe time to move on. That's messed up.

That's not right for him to say things about food. I can see now why you acted the way you did. Those food comments are a form of verbal abuse... no one deserves that. I am wondering if your weight is a result of being very unhappy him - me thinks so.

WildCat - The food problem could be just that. I guess sometimes I feel "why not eat something if he is going to make comments any way." I guess now I need to find a way to distract myself when I want to snack. My weakness is salty stuff (ie chips and dip).

I don't feel as though I am too over weight, I am just not comfortable with my body. I feel I used to look better.

Thanks

Well, it's horrible that he says that. He must be an insecure man - that sucks.

I hate to say this - but do you exercise regularly? I do cardo or basketball and lift weights almost daily - It so important - give you confidence.

We don't know each other so I have to say this You have to exercise!! You have to. No way around it.

I agree, exercise makes you feel so good. Even a walk is healthy and invigorating and you can tone and loose weight.

Yes, I do admit I need to exercise. I used to run 4 miles daily (in my younger years) and have always tried to keep fit and tone. But in '94 I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid arthritis and it has gotten increasingly harder to exercise. It has been consistently in my knees and feet for some time. I am on Enbrel shots weekly and 5 methotrexate weekly. This is absolutely no excuse for not exercising, but it does put a wrench in it at times.

I would be up for any suggestions on what else can be done to exercise on "bad days". Do any of you have reviews on the Ab Lounge? I thought about that because there would be no impact on my joints. I realize it only works the stomach, but I would like to work on that area. I also am getting an eliptical (?) machine that I think would work w/o the joint impact.

Thanks:)

Even walking a long distance - at least 1/2 have hour works - light weights help as well.

I didn't read the whole story its quite a lot and I've got lots of paper to clear out my desk.. Anyway I've read some of the responses and your original post. I think you should admit that you also made a mistake here. At your age you shouldn't be doing things like a teenage would do. I'm 27 yrs old. I don't act like my niece. I'd be ashamed of myself if people think I've never had enough over the years. People talk. Your friends talk but then I don't know what kind of friends you have. If I was your husband I'd be hurt the same way he reacts. It's not about overreacting. It's more about being rational. But anyway you don't need another word. You can definitely work it out with your husband if he has not been satisfying you sexually. Then ask him. The key is communication. Tell him what you want and ask him how you should keep him happy.

I didn't read the whole story...
I think it's important to read through the discussion in order to give an informed response...
Especially in a discussion that's been going on for a month.

My apologies. I should have read it all. I did read most of the important responses. And it just seems to me that she's not getting a candid response. I also want to point out that the only reason she's doing this is to make her actions justified so she can get away with something she has done. People need to acknowledge their mistakes in order to attain a successful life. Especially sharing it with someone you are willing to grow up with. There's also another alternative instead of going through therapy although it is very helpful. Not all situation needs therapy unless its extreme and getting to a certain point where the couple can no longer make themselves happy. Healing comes from within. Honestly most of the feedbacks she gets are biased and not making a difference. I don't know what you think about all these BIM. If you truly want an honest response then you should prepare what everyone could say to you. This thread can pull out a lot of different perspective and most people misconstrue and overlook the facts. I think it's wise that you might want to close the seal yourself.

This is a person life here - you must read everything before giving advice. This isn't play time. This is a persons most important part of their lives. Please understand that. You don't get it.

You still don't have al lthe facts. And therapy is exptremely important in these matters.

Please don't post again unless you really have some real feedback.

Wildcat, I'm not playing stupid jokes either. But you might want to keep that therapy for yourself instead.

Mystiqcue,

You come on here and say you haven't read the thread and then advise BIM what she should and shouldn't listen to and what she needs to do..

If you'll see at the top of the first post, this thread was started in August and has been an ongoing story. You weren't even a member when this thread was started.

Then you have the hide to suggest to Wildcat, who has read the entire thread and offered his personal views to BIM on this matter, that he needs therapy.

Very silly of you and by reading some of your replies on other threads I suggest you may need to take some of your own advice.

At the very least you must read the whole thread. People come her looking to get help and opinions on very serious issues in their life. It isn't something to simply be skimmed over.

Sorry BIM to get off topic here! But I don't think the advice given to you by this poster was good at all.

Not your fault Skell, but truly appreciate the apology for someone else's err. I have read several posts and commented on some, but I would never just "skim" over the facts and give an opinion. It makes a person (such as myself) that is going through, what could be a life altering event, feel important enough to someone, to stand up for them. Thanks to you all, Skell, Wildcat, Philly. Much gratitude!

Bim,
So glad to hear that you and your husband are getting counseling. Despite his stress, he has no right to continue to act this way, especially if he sees the effort you are putting forth. Only time and your continued actions will make him come around.

I think that your friends need to be a lot more supportive of you instead of mocking you with their little comments. This is a serious problem for you and your husband to deal with right now and they are not helping by abandoning you.

The weight issue can be a tricky one. My self-esteem was low, low, low for quite a while. I gained an additional 45 pounds when I had my son and kept it on for 6 months after he was born. I had a hard time losing it. I was a very active person before that. My husband also would make little comments here and there, not too rough, but enough for it to bother me. Then I realized the reason it bothered me was because it was true. I started walking, than jogging after a few weeks. I now run 6 miles a day, 5 days a week and take a two classes (pilates and cardio), alternate evenings. I am active in Tae Kwon Do and that helps keep me disciplined. I got my husband involved in the exercise too. Although he wasn't overweight, if I was going to sweat, he was too. He agreed, and it brought us closer. I lost the 45 pounds in 8 months, but I had to put my whole self into it and remind myself everyday, that I was worth it. I also realized that I owe my husband and family, my best self, and being that overweight, I wasn't. I was taking our marriage for granted, that if he was married to me, I could be fat or skinny and he had to take it no matter what. That just isn't true. Having a baby was no excuse. Once my physical health improved, the mental and emotional health followed. If you really it, than make a change. Tell your husband that both of you taking walks and slowly picking up the pace will help you in more ways than one and that you'd like to give your marriage the best shot you can.

Best of luck to you.

ANOTHER UPDATE!!!!! NEED MORE ADVICE!!!!

I am sorry to keep bothering everyone here, but I'm at a cross road. My husband and I (as you know) have been going to a counsellor 3 times now and I feel things have been going pretty well. This morning I gave him a kiss goodbye and said I would talk to him later, everything normal.

Well, he calls me about 1 hour after I get to work and tells me our marriage is over. I asked why, he said he got onto my e-mail (at home) and found some pictures I had e-mailed to those "guys" from the party. Now, I did emailed them right after the party and have apologized for everything time and time again. I did not have any of these in my inbox or trash, I was trying to get rid of everything that caused us the problems in the first place. They were the pictures of the one guy that picked me up and the one I sat on his lap. Now, I know I was completely out of line when it happened. We have been going to counselling. Things have been (I thought) going rather well considering "my screw up" I completely have taken responsibility for the problem we are having and have been trying for sometime to turn over a new leaf.

I left work and went home to talk to him and try to calm him down. He has said 3 times since this ordeal (July 8)that "he's done", "if I want those people I can have them" I have tried to prove my loyalty to our marriage, but he keeps digging things up and wanting to fight over it. I know I have lost his trust and it takes work to get it back. BUT, I didn't have sex with anyone and he tells me that he "knows I have" and that he can "feel it in his gut" that I did.

What more can I do to resolve this problem? I love him, and I admitted I screwed up. I flirted and went over my boundries. He even said today that he knows I have been trying, but he just cannot get passed it.

He tells me he's done, but then when I ask him if he wants me to leave he says "you make that decision, it is up to me" Well if it was up to me I don't want to leave, I am not the one saying "I'm done." I have told him that if I wanted someone else I would be gone, but he is the one I want and I am sorry for hurting him, but I am trying to make it work.

I don't want to start over again.

Please be honest, but kind... please.

Also, my husband saw that I am coming on this websight and is mad that I am asking complete strangers questions and putting my "life" out there for the whole world to see. I told him that I am doing this to get help and different views on this problem. I also told him that people don't just take my side - but gives their honest opinion whether I like it or not. I also told him that no one knows me nor do I know them. I don't know...

Bim, you have done, and continue to do everything in your power to salvage your marriage. You've changed your behavior. You go to counseling. You tell him how much he means to you, but, unfortunately, he's pig headed, and you can't change that. If he left it up to you, and you choose not to leave, then don't. Personally, I wouldn't. Why should you? You want to fight for your marriage, he just wants to fight. Why should you have to leave your home? If he's so damn insecure and refuses to get past it, than that is on him. If you stay, and he stays only to make you miserable and not help the situation, then ask him to go, you have every right. Don't give up. Tell him you are going to stay, hold your ground. Continue as though nothing has happened. If he continues berating you, ask him to pack his things. Enough is enough. I know you feel like it was your fault, and maybe initially it was, but your behavior has changed, he needs an attitude adjustment now.

Thank you mom :o Why do I feel so scared he is going to leave? Is it because I caused the problem? I am so sorry for flirting, but he makes me feel like I had sex with these men and I DID NOT. I feel his is making this more that it is. I DID screw up, but I am trying... I guess I am afraid of losing him, because I messed up. All I want is a chance to make it right and it keeps getting thrown in my face. I've told him that I know I hurt him badly and that I crossed the line...

Stop apologizing, its making you come off as more guilty than you actually are. You know your behavior was inappropriate and you changed it. You changed it because you realized how much it was hurting your husband and how he felt insecure and unloved. To apoligize with words is one thing, but you did more than that, you are attempting to show him, if he would only let you. He needs to decide if he wants to allow the change. You know you didn't have sex with these men, but in his eyes, you might as well have because your time and emotion was directed at these men, even if you didn't touch them. He has to want to accept your apology, acknowledge your effort and make that change inside himself. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do. It will be his loss.

Bim, even if he leaves, it may not be permanent, so continue on course. Stay busy, read, exercise and volunteer any spare time you have. If you have kids, spends lots of time with them. Stop apologizing and continue treating him lovingly, eventually, if he's not made of stone, it will sink in.

If he can't get over what you have done and can not see that you are trying ever so hard to change and help the marriage then it is his option to leave.
Why should you.
Tell him to go if he isn't willing to work. You are, he isn't.
I know it must be scary for you to say those words to him but that may be the wake up call he needs.
See he is probably making these empty threats to you about you having to leave knowing you won't.
Well put it to him. Tell him he has to go. You can't keep living like this.
Maybe you standing up for yourself and proving that you aren't willing to fight, scrap and give every last inch to save this marriage unless he does the same will get him into gear and make him realise that it is a 2 way street.

I have a feeling right now he loves having all the power. He thinks because you stuffed up he can keep using it against you. People do that. Kids do that. Not grown adults!

Don't keep blaming yourself. Time to stand up for yourself I think!

Bim, don't let him use guilt as a weapon of control. I think you should be proud of they way you have gone about correcting a mistake. I am. Your husband should be very grateful that you care enough to change and grow for him. I didn't like his actions in the first place as he could have handled things way better to be honest. Keep doing what your doing, for yourself now and if he doesn't appreciate the effort and work you've done tell him to kiss your cute a$$. Keep your chin up. No more apologising either. Enough is enough.

Well, maybe your husband is going to read this post. You have done everything you can, does he want to nail you to the cross? Get him a hammer, nails and wood. Let him nail that picture to it.:)
When he brings all of this up, say stop, stop right there, I have done everything I know to do, it is your turn to let go and start forgiving and forgetting. Walk away. When he says you two are through and for you to make the decision. Tell him, you said it, you do it. I have told you how I feel and I do not change my mind from day to day as you do. Stop putting this on me.
Walk away. He wants to see you grovel over and over. Stop doing it.
It sounds as though he is so insecure he wants to make you pay over and over and over.
I am not saying leave, I am saying stop playing his game. You are good. You do not deserve this continuation of guilt. No one does.

I want to thank mom, skell, and tal for your advice. I wrote him a final note and put it on his truck at work (because he works evenings) and told him that I am apologizing for the last time. I told him some of the things mom said about accepting the apology and to acknowledge the efforts I have made. He woke me when he got home (11:30), said some rude things about the guys I work with and how I probably f$$$ed about 6 -7 yesterday. Went on about if I want that kind of lifestyle to go have it and how he's put 110% into the marriage... so on and so forth.

He is still mad that I get on this site and put "my life" out there for all to read. He said it is weird. He also said I probably have a boyfriend within this sight and we are talking using "code names" (for lack of better word)

I asked him in his heart-of -hearts if he truly thinks I was unfaithful. It took him a couple minutes to answer "I don't know." I told him that I feel I have been on "trial" for 3 months for "flirting" -- I said I know I overstepped my boundaries but have apologized for the last time. I feel, I left the ball in his court and he can decide what he wants to do. I told him I loved him

I told him that I loved him with all my heart and want this marriage to work. I also said I feel this ordeal was a "sign" to maybe get my $hit in order and be a better wife and mother.

I feel good today... from experience I know it can change from minute to minute depending on the day.

Thank you guys!! ;)

I actually feel a sort of "innerpeace" today (if that makes any sense?) about how I left it. I guess it is a feeling of doing all I can do, and being at ease with it. I will keep being loving and keep showing him I am trying to work, and see where it goes from here.

That's great. I like the note touch.

Sounds like hubby has some issues - ridiculous on the boyfriend thing. He seems to have a long way to go on this.

Hubby better get his butt in gear before you get tired of working on this marriage by yourself, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for him right now either. Just make sure YOU continue to grow, BIM.

I have no sympathy for this guy - - if I were you - I'd run - he sounds real creepy to me right now.

I don't know that he sounds creepy, but he's got one heck of a chip on his shoulder for sure. Pointing the finger at you was one thing, to repeatedly throw things that are untrue, insinuate certain crude behaviors is rude and disrespectful, which, unfortunately is what very insecure men can do. I'm glad you spoke up for yourself. You were honest and yet considerate in reiterating your love for him. The ball is in his court, hopefully, he will see that you really do love him and not blow this marriage. Be strong and have faith, remember, prayer goes a long way.

Jealousy kills love.Your husband attitudes are completely unacceptable and if he continues suspecting you which I am sure he will.Then your marriage will be near end.
Try taking him to a marriage consultant,it may help.Otherwise,I advise you to enjoy your life and put him behind your back!

I don't know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. Its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. You should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. Calm down be a lady and respect your husband because I tell you later on he is going to be done accusing you of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. If you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

You obviously haven't read the whole thread as we have been over this. You really need to read every post before commenting which quite clearly you haven't.
And why can't single people be friends with married people. That sounds very insecure to me.
I am single and have many many female and male married friends. I would never ever consider doing anything with them and I know they wouldn't either.
I think if there is trust in a relationship then a marrie person should be able to be friends with anyone.

Hey that's cool for you and I did read the whole thing married men should not be friends with single women I say adventually something is going to rub on but that is your opionion only because your single. Get married and see if you like your wife firting with single men

Actually, I'm married and I agree with Skell. I don't have issues with my husband having female friends and vice versa. Neither of us have friends that we don't both know. I have a very close and good friend who happens to be male, but when he visits me, he visits my whole family. My husband and him are like brothers. Yeah, I knew him first, for 24 years to be exact, but they are still very close. He has one or two female friends who interact with both of us. Now, if you mean do we go out with acquaintances from work alone, no, there's no connection there. But friends, are okay, as long as there is a mutualness there. Being friends and having someone around that you flirt with are two very separate things.

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you


First Off you do not know me well enough to call me honey. Secondly, you do not need to point your daggers at me and imply that I am not a lady.:mad: As far as having male friends, I work with 35 men, so I DO have male friends. This sight is for people to come to for advice on how to work through situations, not to get badgered my meaningless accusations.

Also, (if you would have read this thread completely) I wasn't going out with these men--My HUSBAND invited them to OUR house for a party HE was throwing.

Also, this whole thread is not implying that my husband is cheating on me... you need to read the WHOLE post. Also you last opinion about "the last thing you want to do is have him start repecting you" what is that? Last I checked my husband does respect me, he doesn't need to start.

Get your facts straight before you start slinging mud.

OK that's cool you keep on doing what are doing you don't have do be offended by what I said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing I really care less of what your doing I was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but I see that you can't take an answer that doesn't agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.

J_9 agrees: I am wondering if you should keep your answers to yourself. She came on here to ask a question. That is what the site is for. So far your answers are way off base. Maybe you should think before you "speak."

__________________________________________________ ______

Sorry, I meant to disagree with what you said tami.

Please think before you speak.

ok thats cool you keep on doing what are doing you dont have do be offended by what i said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing i really care less of what your doing i was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but i see that you can't take an answer that dosent agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.


If you were to read ALL of the posts, most of them questioned my behavior--and if you were to read the UPDATE my husband and I are going to counselling and things are getting better because I am a LADY and trying to work through MY faults that I am aware of--to make my marriage work.

I posted a question knowing not all comments were not going to be pleasant. And if you would have read the posts you would also notice that all comments were put in a respectful manner.

I will probably not keep my questions to myself, because I enjoy this sight and respect MOST everyone's feedback.

My suggestion to you would be in the future to think about what you type, because we are all humans with feelings, and some people on this sight have pretty damaged feelings at that and do not need to be spit on any more.

Also, if you could care less, then you should not be on this sight giving advice to people that are looking for someone to care.

I will have a blessed day. Thank you.

OK I am truly sorry if I offended you and hurt your feeling maybe I did take it thae wrong way I am not on this sight to make any enimies I'm new here and just wanted to really help someone I'm sorry. I would like to move on.

BIM, you are doing great!!

We are happy you are trying to work things out and that it seems to be going well. I will admit, I have not read EVERY post here, been too busy with school and all. But I do want to say that every once in a while we get a "glitch" in our system, it seems as though your "glitch" was tamikiopruitt.

Just ignore that and go on!!

BIM, you are doing great!!!!

We are happy you are trying to work things out and that it seems to be going well. I will admit, I have not read EVERY post here, been too busy with school and all. But I do want to say that every once in a while we get a "glitch" in our system, it seems as though your "glitch" was tamikiopruitt.

Just ignore that and go on!!!

Thank you J-9. Your comments are those that I do look for and respect. I am moving on... I can take a fair amount of critizism (working with all men and only 1 other women), I can usually let most roll off my back. But, felt I needed to speak up so someone else doesn't get "labeled."

I want to thank everyone that commented on this thread. I have learned a lot and have truly enjoyed everyone's honest opinions and feedback.

This sight is very addictive, but it kindof fills a void in my life. Something to do when you want to maybe talk with other people. (sort of)

Much thanks. You all feel like friends. ;)

ok i am truly sorry if i offended you and hurt your feeling maybe i did take it thae wrong way iam not on this sight to make any enimies im new here and just wanted to really help someone i m sorry. i would like to move on.


Sounds good! :p

Loved your defense. So true. That kind of fire can only be good. Shows you will fight for your marriage and win. Love that about you Bim, you're a good gal!

Bim- You certainly can defend yourself and remind me to stay on your good side. A lot of times people decide on advice before at least reading the whole thread, sometimes you have to reread it and you still don't understand what it is you've read. You have to take what they say with a grain of salt or as you did stand your ground against attack, Very well done. Tough guy... er... gal.

ok i am truly sorry if i offended you and hurt your feeling maybe i did take it thae wrong way iam not on this sight to make any enimies im new here and just wanted to really help someone i m sorry. i would like to move on.

This happens from time to time when all of the posts are not read. I guess you learned right of to read them all, things can happen from one page to another. Good of you to apoloize.:)

Hubby better get his butt in gear before you get tired of working on this marraige by yourself, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for him right now either. Just make sure YOU continue to grow, BIM.


Tal, I went back and read through everyone's opinions again, for strength because he still makes comments, and I feel exactly like this right now. I posted a new thread "Here I am again" and explained the "now" situation.

I just wanted you to know, just because. :(

How do people handle feeling like they are falling out of love at 40, and hurting AGAIN, man life sucks.

How do I start all over, get a house, move, $hit I don't even know where I would begin. We are not there yet, but I hurt inside now instead of being angry----I've tried so hard for 4 month and I don't think he will get over this. I think what bugs me also, is I put myself here---and he tells me that not only in words but actions and attitude.

Anyway... thanks.

Well - that's what you do. I can't ever see you staying in your particular situation. Seems like your husband lost it big time.

We've had several posts recently on abuse - and this wha the is doing to you.

You've TRIED to make things better - he is STILL at square one.

You have to move forward and do that and you will start feeling better.

Well - that's what you do. I can't ever see you staying in your particular situation. Seems like your husband lost it big time.

We've had several posts recently on abuse - and this wha the is doing to you.

You've TRIED to make things better - he is STILL at square one.

You have to move forward and do that and you will start feeling better.


Thanks Cat :o Do you ever feel like things just never get better? $hit man-I do. Things just suck right now! I look forward to going to work just to get away from crap!

I've put everything into this "life" we bought an acreage about 3 years ago. Remember that song "Here I go again on my own, down the only road I've ever known like a drifter I was born to walk alone"... that's me.

PLAN A- deal with the truth

PLAN B- Put yourself first. And ccept that you love yourself when others do not. Being alone doesn't mean lonely. Being alone means you don't have to take any jerks stupidity.

PLAN C- FREEDOM comes at a cost but worth it

Yes I have. (not the current one) when may last gal over a year and 1/2 ago broke with me - took really 6 months to fully heal. It sucked - vested too much emotions into it.

I know it sucks - and it really sucks with the time vested with him. People change I guess - he did.

You're going to have to go through a healing process. Maybe see a therapist I you can.

You won't be a lone another great man will come into your life - look for a different - be open to different men.

It's NOT a healthy situation you're in. I dated a gal that stayed in a VERY UNHEALTHY marriage for 10 years - it was really bad. You don't want that believe me.

Wildcat, all I can say is that you are dead wrong about there always having to be "more to the story." I was in a similar situation, except there was no "flirting incident" to incite the behavior. My husband was wonderful the entire time we dated (3 years), then almost immediately after our wedding, he turned into a completely different person. He suddenly accused me of cheating on him (something he had never done before). He asked in depth and very inappropriate details about my exes and what the sex was like with them. He would follow me on my way home from work. He would search my phone, stare over my shoulder when I read my e-mail and interrogate me about every one that wasn't from my brother or my parents. He would behave in very similar ways as the original poster mentioned with constantly bringing it up and accusing me of primping up "for my boyfriends" if I put on more makeup than usual. I am not a touchy-feely type of person, and my family was never really big on hugs. I am a bit introverted and have no interest whatsoever in flirting, regardless if I'm in a relationship or not. And to those who brought up the possibility of domestic violence, you hit the nail dead on the head.

First it was outrageous accusations and off-handed (and extremely uncalled for) comments. Then it turned into small arguments that occurred several times a day, over anything. No, this was not the usual silly relationship bickering that most couples experience. This was like if I didn't wear the clothes he wanted me to wear (which were often more promiscuous than I liked), he would flip out and scream at me and refuse to let me out of the house dressed how I wanted (which was usually casual T-shirt and jeans type stuff). The small arguments grew into larger ones over time. Then the arguments became one-sided scream fests where he called me a stupid b.tch and a whore multiple times, at the top of his lungs, and would start to show signs of physical aggression, like cornering me or driving me against a wall. More time passed, and that grew into full on physical violence. He would hit me, choke me, kick me, throw furniture at me, stalk me, and be completely obsessed with being angry at me no matter what I did or didn't do. My mere existence seemed to ignite his temper and gradually fell into a state of low self-esteem. I felt beaten down and enslaved.

We were married for two years. Finally, I guess I snapped one day. He was having one of his daily fits and screaming at me as he pinned me against a wall, and I punched him. He staggered back, punched me back, but it didn't hurt. I was so charged with all the pent up fear and resentment for this man, I suddenly realized I no longer loved him or cared what became of him. I had only one thing in my mind: survival. I attacked him, and with strength I didn't know I possessed (and have never managed to repeat since), I threw him to the ground swinging my fists relentlessly. I finally struck a hard blow to his face that stunned him. I got up and ran out of the house and called a friend to pick me up. The next day, I went back to the house while he was at work and packed up all my personal effects. The next week, he was served with our divorce papers. I left all my money, property, everything I had worked so hard for, and left it with him just to expedite the process because I could not bear to spend one further day with him, and I've never looked back. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to move on with my life, because he had reduced me to so little that I really had nothing left to cling to by the time I left him.

I moved into another city and started my life over, and could not be happier about it. Every time I think about it, I'm thankful that God gave me the strength to find and rescue myself.

I didn't mean to practically write a book or even to compare your husband to mine, but every single one of the behaviors you mentioned from him are identical to the ones my husband started with. Long story short, beware of the possibility of domestic violence. It always starts with insecurities and controlling/jealous behavior, and he has no right to behave in ANY of the ways you mentioned, even if you flirted slightly more than you should have.

Eh Tolle,

Thanks for the essay but this thread is what... 2 1/2 years old??