Okay, I had a long post detailing history and I will answer any questions but it was just too long and I felt I was likely being quite one sided against his problems and that is unfair. Obviously, a relationship is never one sided with one partner in the right and one in the wrong. We do have a tendency to see things from our perspective though, I will try to be honest towards my faults.


The big problem:
I have been married just over a year. My husband travels a lot. When he is gone, life is easier and happier for me and when he's home, I wish he's gone.

Details.
I'm 23 and he is 34. We've been married for a little over a year and together for 5.

I miss him some when he's gone but things are so hard when he's back; he is derogatory towards me and provides very little help with our house or 6 month old child while making a lot more work for me.
I am a stay at home mom (and a full time student; online) so I agree the bulk of the work is mine, it's my job while he's busting hump providing for us, but he is only willing to watch our child for 3 hours a week and will complain if I even ask him to watch her while I do dishes or prepare dinner.
We have been together 5 years. I had my doubts when we got engaged, as he used to be emotionally abusive to me, but that diminished and insults and cussing while still happening on occasion are rare. I learned how to respond more assertively; when I don't retreat the communication is less likely to take on old patterns, however, sometimes (this is my fault) I still retreat because I hate fighting and think a lot of the stuff is silly to fight about anyway. However, responding assertively no longer has the power it has had for the last couple of years and sometimes he still railroads me and tells me I'm wrong. I bought the wrong brand of popcorn this last weekend and was yelled at for an hour.
I used to put up with it and think if I just was a better woman he wouldn't yell, and he has told me that was the case - that I am responding incorrectly because I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive household... and I have managed to improve and cut down the yelling, but at some point I don't always want to be fighting and at some point I want my needs to be considered too... I have become a lot stronger since the birth of my daughter and since then I've started to feel that my needs should be considered and this has not gone over well. However, it is not the abusive level it was at one point... it almost got there once while I was pregnant and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again, and it has not returned to that degree.

Other problems:
+We do not have anything in common so far as interests go. I enjoy fitness and reading and neither have the slightest appeal for him.
+He is morbidly obese. I do not mind big, and am not tiny myself (At 5'4, I'm anywhere between a size 4 and size 10 depending on what brand, you figure out women's sizing) -- however I am very fit (a marathon runner) and fitness means a lot to me. I worry about his health and have for a while - he promised me he'd start exercising before we got married-- but it's gone beyond that point now that he is up to 345 lb and I am not attracted to him. I don't have the heart to say this.
+Our sex life is not satisfactory to me. I have a high sex drive. I don't think his drive is necessary the problem because he'll happily take a couple of blowjobs a day (I try to offer at least once every day, though the last few months I've been so unhappy that sometimes I've not offered for several days and waited for him to ask-- yes, a little passive aggressive, and there you see a part of my fault in the problems in the relationship) -- I ask him for sex frequently and would prefer if he'd occasionally initiate, but we end up only having sex once a month, and then at my request. This makes me feel quite unsexy and I have told him this. He says I'm very sexy but the actions don't seem to match.
+He told me it was important to have a mom at home in the early years before I left my job, but often criticizes that I'm bringing no money into the household. I do try to be cautious with his money but do buy myself things sometimes such as race entries or running shoes. I feel it is important to be at home, and childcare for our daughter and an extra car would cost more than I could make working until I'm done with school.


I have developed a close friendship with someone I care deeply for despite knowing that can be detrimental when a relationship is in trouble. I do compare my husband to this other person sometimes. Nothing has gone on that is unacceptable in the confines of my relationship or that my husband is unaware of, but I have developed feelings.

I have suggested counseling in the past but he says we cannot afford it. His income is too high for reduced fee sessions.

Our communication is problematic. I do tend to back away, but when I do not back away he tends to tell me I am wrong and invalidate my opinion. Trying to argue my side usually leaves me more hurt and feeling further away from him than just acquiescing and moving on. My tendency to do this frustrates him. He occasionally likes to fight and is very extroverted and outspoken. He has a very dominant personality and knows he has a tendency to run over other people... he has to reign it in at work but will not for me.

I do remember why I love him; He is extremely intelligent and he is one of the funniest guys I have ever met.
Even thinking of that I feel more of friendship love than romantic love... after it being so hard for so long, it has faded, if that makes any sense.

He does love me and tells me frequently, and after a blowup over nothing or one where he insults me viciously he will apologize. He does have a lot on his plate working.

I do not have the earning potential in the job market to take care of my daughter and I and will not for another 4 years until I have finished with school and she is in school.

Any thoughts on what to do? Is this too far gone?

If we did not have a daughter I would have left him.

However, WE do have a daughter and that is important and I want her to have the happiest, healthiest upbringing possible and not go through the kinds of things I did or have to want for anything.

That is quite a situation. I'm sorry you've got so much going on.

I think you know that your friendship is going to make it harder to work on things with your husband. Although I can certainly understand having a friend that you get things from that you're unable to get from your spouse. That's a reason to have great girlfriends, most husbands aren't into chick flicks and window shopping so you can indulge that with them. But when it's a friend of the opposite sex, it can quickly lapse into an emotional affair. So be careful there. I really admire that you're trying to make it work, for your daughter's sake if nothing else.

I don't know what advice I can offer, I think I can only offer you a virtual hug, which isn't worth much. You've got a full load there.

Do you have a spiritual adviser, a priest, rabbi, pastor or someone who could speak with you and your husband since clinical counseling isn't an option?

Resolve your issues at home before you get distracted by any outside influence. If your just staying for your child, DON'T!

If he's got his plate full at work (and travels a lot) you are probably a small part of this life and mind share. This makes it harder for him to find time to resolve issues and expects perfection in you as the solution. I wouldn't be too surprised if one of the reasons he couldn't care less about his health / looks, gives you a hard time with the little stuff, and provides limited support at home is because he believes that he does "everything" and you aren't doing enough -- you not earnings is probably one of the reasons. From his vantage point bringing up a child and running a home are easy things in life... and then you only run and study (that too from home) -- pardon me if I sound rude but men do think this way. Getting a 3rd party (maybe family) to help him see what he can't, would surely help. Otherwise the only way he would listen is if he got the scare of his life.

What to do when husband you've been with for 5 years is cheating but won't admit but you know?

Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of a child is cheating everyone ,including the child.If Mom and Dad are unhappy and having one hour fights over popcorn,the child is being affected negatively.You can't put on a happy face in front of the child and hope that she does not pick up on it because children are like little sponges and they sense tension.You will be giving off vibes that are stressful and she will know.

It almost sounds as if your husband is suffering from low self esteem.That is why he feels compelled to put you down for no reason and to keep you at home.He is afraid that he does not deserve you and if he is being verbally abusive ,he does not deserve you.

You are on a slippery slope with your friend.In your vulnerable state ,anything could happen.When your husband is degrading you, it is very easy to turn to someone else for affection,someone who makes you feel worthy.

If you can not leave because of finances ,then clearly you are stuck but it sounds as if you are already emotionally separated from him and moving out would only be a formality.

Many churches have free counseling.If he is interested in saving the marriage ,I am confident that you can find a counselor who will take payments or one that is not too expensive.

Some women' s shelters offer counseling with the request of a donation only,very minimal charge.

If this marriage is worth saving and sometimes it is not,I would suggest you seek outside help and put the friendship with the other guy on hold until you have fixed the one your in,either by leaving or working on repairing it.
Best of luck!