I have been in a bad relationship for too many years. It has been stagnant for the last few years. I have told my husband to leave three times over the last two years. The last confrontation I said it 6 times. He doesn't acknowledge it when I say it or act as if I have ever suggested it. I am not going to leave. I know he is in denial. I do not want to be forcible like using the law. I am trying to be as peaceable and adult about this as I can. I look at it as there is more to the big picture than this moment. There will be life after him with him involved and I don't want to jeapordize this by creating a larger "can of worms" than I have to. Has anyone else experienced this? What worked if anything? Am I just fooling myself by thinking this is a possibility? I know there are people who have had a peaceable divorce. We don't fight continuously, we are past that. We are just like housemates.

Why don't you leave??

You leave him go to a friends place where he does not know. And say if you won't end it then I will.

Simple. You leave him to show your serious. Do what is best for you. Being somewhere (a relationship) where you are not happy is not healthy.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I too am in a relationship that I would rather not be in 80% of the time. I have been married 20 years and we have been in some pretty good fights ( not physical) where I have told him to get out. He will not leave at all. He has threatened to burn the house down with me in it. He said he will take the kids. They are older now and all but one is out of the house. But my point is I feel your pain all too well. It's easy for someone to say "leave and go to a friends house" or to divorce him. Ut if you are like me you don't like confrontation. I HATE IT! Right now I'm just ysticking it out until my 14 years old son graduates. I know this probably didn't help you but at least you know you are not alone.

I don't disagree with wvchick, but I sort of take issue with the comment that it's easy for someone to say "leave and go to a friend's house." That is good advice. If the OP is going to complain about and problem, then she better be ready to take action on it, when good advice comes here way. Telling someone else to leave is weak. If I am paying for a mortgage or rent, and someone tells me to leave, that's not going to happen. That's not an excuse for verbal abuse, but at the same time, making demands on someone in there home is pushing things. If the OP wants a change in direction in her life, then she needs to take action on it. If he's not going to leave, then she should for her own mental and emotional health.

It is up to you, leave if you are serious about this. But it begs the question that you've been in this bad relationship so long, is there a case of what will the (Jones'/Family/Insert Applicable Here) think?

Have you ever thought about setting boundries for the future.

This site has been a great help to many folks in here.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

It might be for you too.

KBC

Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. Fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.

Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.


If the deeds are in your name alone and you feel fine about taking this house from him.. then leave, get a lawyer and get him removed. Seems to me though that you're a woman scorned.


Just an opinion.

And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.

Thank you KBC. Though I have not read you suggestions entirely, I am finding them quite enlightning. It is an honest perspective and offers me a pathway to introspection.

And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.
Is this directed at me?

Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line.

I know this comes off like I'm attacking wvchick, but that is not my intent, but exactly why would you want hook up and chat with someone who has taken no action to resolve the same problem you are refusing to take action on? That's just two people stuck in the same problem going nowhere.


Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for?

Because he won't. Remember, that is what you asked this panel? You asked how to make him leave. He won't leave. So now that we know what he won't do, you can keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or you can leave.


I am not the one who is at fault here.

Great. I appreciate you avoiding the issue and trying to turn this around and make it look like I blamed you for anything. To bad that's not what happened.


I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me.

Great. Again, I'm not sure what this has to do with moving forward to a better future. This sounds like a bunch of excuses as opposed to any action. He blamed you for all the problems, you accepted that's in the past, and the past can not be changed. However, the future can, but getting there means dropping the confrontational BS directed at the rest of us who are actually offering you something different. Something different means you have to do the opposite of what you have been doing for years that caused this mess in the first place, and step one is leaving.


fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea.

I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story then you are letting on. I'm not sure why you couldn't reveal it, this is an internet posting board, you and I could walk by each on the street and I don't know who you are so you are not going to lose anything by telling us, unless it puts you in a different position then that of the poor woman on bottom who can't get out of her situation.

So since you own the house and won't kick him out, why not leave?


His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.

Wow. So you are living with someone that you feel "richly deserves" a guilt trip, yet you take no action toward correcting your own life and giving those that offer advice a guilt trip of your own?

You want the same results, then keep thinking the same negative "oh woo as me" attitude and take no action. You want different results, start thinking something along the line of "I deserve better and here's what I'm going to do to get there." If it's your house kick him out. Call the police, explain your situation and have them come over while he gets his things, then change the locks the moment he leaves.

And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.

I am totally confused after reading this? Do you want him to leave or do you want the marriage to get better? This is a completely different question the original post.

Well someone has to leave, get a lawyer, and get things divided up, as chuff is correct, if your both to stubborn to take the first step in splitting up, what kind of advice do you want?

chuff- so much hate man. Are you the scorned one? It seems as if my problem has hit a nerve with you. You don't like me then find another post. Actually, you remind me a lot of my husband, yes butting all my answers and reasons, so you want assertivness? Get out! Now!

I know this comes off like I'm attacking wvchick, but that is not my intent, but exactly why would you want hook up and chat with someone who has taken no action to resolve the same problem you are refusing to take action on? That's just two people stuck in the same problem going nowhere.

because she HEARD me unlike you. I am here to be heard. you and i can not communicate. there is the possibility that coming from the same situation, two heads can work better than one and we just might be able to figure out how to accomplish our goals peacefully and assertively, not aggessively like you suggest.


Because he won't. Remember, that is what you asked this panel? You asked how to make him leave. He won't leave. So now that we know what he won't do, you can keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or you can leave.
it seems to me that you find there is only one solution to this problem and you are The man with THE answer. I am so sorry to disappoint you by not bowing and kissing your ring. Your suggestions are NOT the answers I am looking for. to me they are simplistic, adolecent, and narrow minded and you have not been shy about telling me how you feel about me which tells me so much about your character. With that in mind, why would I want to take YOUR advice.


Great. I appreciate you avoiding the issue and trying to turn this around and make it look like I blamed you for anything. To bad that's not what happened.
oh read your post again, you will see that you suggested that i am taking the house HE pd for and added that it wouldn't happen if it was you in his place. in another place you suggested my frame of mind on how comfortable I feel about taking the house from him.
he GAVE it to me. that dosent make him a saint. nice gesture, yes, but you dont want to accept the dynamics I tried to explain. Instead you jumped to your own conclusions which makes me wonder just what your history would tell. if you are going to hate on me then maybe you should man up and reveal why you think you have the experience to delegate to me how I should live my life. since your avitar has a mask on it i can't see if you have a big L on your forehead. You should not take my refusing to not take your "advice" so personal. Thou protest too loudly.


Great. Again, I'm not sure what this has to do with moving forward to a better future. This sounds like a bunch of excuses as opposed to any action. He blamed you for all the problems, you accepted that's in the past, and the past can not be changed. However, the future can, but getting there means dropping the confrontational BS directed at the rest of us who are actually offering you something different. Something different means you have to do the opposite of what you have been doing for years that caused this mess in the first place, and step one is leaving.

I caused the mess? I contributed b/c i enabled, but I did not cause it. ever heard of action and reaction. my reaction enabled his actions. i also feel the confrontational bs is coming from you. if you would read my post again, i am asking or a peaceable action b/c this man will always be involved in my life in some way b/c we had kids together. and who are you including in the US that i am directing the bs to?



I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story then you are letting on. I'm not sure why you couldn't reveal it, this is an internet posting board, you and I could walk by each on the street and I don't know who you are so you are not going to lose anything by telling us, unless it puts you in a different position then that of the poor woman on bottom who can't get out of her situation.
you know i really dont know what planet you are from. The reason I did not reveal is that it concerns extended family situations that are not involved in this situation. unlike you I don't practice crossover. it leads to contamination of subjects and your vivid imagination that feeds your "feelings" is derogatory. what is your need to attack me?

So since you own the house and won't kick him out, why not leave?


again mr dense, why should I move TWICE? I am sure that there is a suggestion somewhere out there that can help me coax him out. I am not being underhanded or uncommunicative with him. He lives in his own world and i am looking for a way to reach him. this IS a very difficult and sensitive situation. brass balls don't work here. I am the one living in this mess as you put it and try as you may you are not here day in and day out seeing the humanness of my life. this is not a script you can write for me. I personally find you way too bossy to give advice. our personal forms of communication have two different definitions.



Wow. So you are living with someone that you feel "richly deserves" a guilt trip, yet you take no action toward correcting your own life and giving those that offer advice a guilt trip of your own?

Where do you get off suggesting that I am taking no action? Just because I don't agree with your grunt methods does not mean I am not taking action. what you dont seem to understand is that your suggestions will lead to future problems. I feel it more responsible and insightful to take care of matters in a more gentle manner.

You want the same results, then keep thinking the same negative "oh woo as me" attitude and take no action. You want different results, start thinking something along the line of "I deserve better and here's what I'm going to do to get there." If it's your house kick him out. Call the police, explain your situation and have them come over while he gets his things, then change the locks the moment he leaves.

Aggression and assertion are not synonyms for each other. I realize all the options you have suggested and have chosen before posting not to take those avenues. They are the obvious and easy way out. If that is all I needed to know I wouldn't be here trying to find someone who understands how I would like to handle the situation and possibly have an experience or suggestion that they would like to share.

I bet your favorite dance is the twist. Why you ask, because you dance with and twist the truth.
Your reality and communication skills are as selfish and discriminatory as my husbands and I would prefer that you have no more contact with me.

Chuff is a very blunt guy and reads these situations to the best of his ability from what I've seen, he's just answering to what he feels would help you in your situation. His insights have helped me open my eyes in many situations to being more of a man when it comes to relationships and dating. Don't be so rough on him. He has no reason to attack or try and hurt you.

chuff- so much hate man. are you the scorned one? it seems as if my problem has hit a nerve with you. you don't like me then find another post. actually, you remind me alot of my husband, yes butting all my answers and reasons, so you want assertivness? get out!! now!!

Ummm how can I hate you? I don't know you. Your problem has hit no nerve with me, because if I've been in a relationship that I wanted it to end I left it. Simple as that. If I was in a relationship I wanted to fix, I worked to fix it. Simple as that. You don't even know what you want. Interestingly enough I thank you for your comparison to your husband, because I am starting to see why his marriage is falling apart. You ask for something and you get a response. You don't like that answer so you change the question. You get an answer for that so you go into attack mode and blame everybody else. I think we are starting to see the real problem here, and it's not your husband. I bet if we asked him he's probably tried the best he could, but with someone so wishy washy he has run out of ways to try with you so he's just reserved to holding on hoping you might come around or at least be honest with him so he knows exactly how HE can make the marriage work. I give him a lot of credit, he's obviously dedicated and loyal despite having someone who doesn't bring her half to the relationship and constantly belittles him but won't explain why. I, like you, wish your husband would leave you, he deserves better then this situation and you.

aggression and assertion are not synonyms for each other. I realize all the options you have suggested and have chosen before posting not to take those avenues. they are the obvious and easy way out. If that is all I needed to know I wouldn't be here trying to find someone who understands how I would like to handle the situation and quite possibly have an experience or suggestion that they would like to share.

I bet your favorite dance is the twist. Why you ask, b/c you dance with and twist the truth.
your reality and communication skills are as selfish and discriminatory as my husbands and I would prefer that you have no more contact with me.

Wow. Do you realize what you are accusing me of is exactly what you've done. You are the one who changed your question in mid post. Then you when faced with reality you start with the name calling... let the record show it was the woman who gave herself the screen name "just me 4 me" who started the name calling in this post. So when faced with the truth the name calling starts, and then after all the name calling she does the same thing she does to her husband, she tells me to get out... of a public message board. Yeah, and you think the problem is your husband, huh?

Despite your efforts, your way hasn't worked nor will it, it seems. You may want him to leave nicely without drama and confusion, be he ain't going that route.

If you want him out the door, you have to push harder, and may need help with that, or leave yourself, and get some help (legal) later.

Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.

Sure that would be OK... It sound like we both are in a similar situation. It's good to know that I'm not the only one out there who feels trapped. The thing is that our home is in both of our names, so there would definitely be a fight and it would not be pretty.

You can email me if you want... [email protected]

Hang in there :-)

Ummm how can I hate you? I don't know you. Your problem has hit no nerve with me, because if I've been in a relationship that I wanted it to end I left it. Simple as that. If I was in a relationship I wanted to fix, I worked to fix it. Simple as that. You don't even know what you want. Interestingly enough I thank you for your comparison to your husband, because I am starting to see why his marriage is falling apart. You ask for something and you get a response. You don't like that answer so you change the question. You get an answer for that so you go into attack mode and blame everybody else. I think we are starting to see the real problem here, and it's not your husband. I bet if we asked him he's probably tried the best he could, but with someone so wishy washy he has run out of ways to try with you so he's just reserved to holding on hoping you might come around or at least be honest with him so he knows exactly how HE can make the marriage work. I give him a lot of credit, he's obviously dedicated and loyal despite having someone who doesn't bring her half to the relationship and constantly belittles him but won't explain why. I, like you, wish your husband would leave you, he deserves better then this situation and you.

This was a chuffing of epic proportions, I must say. :)

Chuf-good bye little man with your little mind.

Honestly, you have a better chance of your husband leaving, than chuff leaving.

Does that tell you something about your tactics??

Dang! It's getting a little deep in here. I will say that everyone has very strong opinions and I respect that.

**High Max you crack me up:)

Sounds to me like someone needs a TIME OUT!!

It's pretty tricky to ask someone to leave and have them just linger... but you will probably need to show him that your serious! I've been in a kind of bad relationship since July 07 until the beginning of October. (not bad in a physical way, but we have spent the better part of a year fighting... and breaking up then getting back together again) we broke up in may and got back together at the beinning of June and when I broke up with him almost 2 months ago he did not take it serious.

It seems that you might have to be the one to leave... do you have somewhere you can sleep? Or maybe you could ask some good friends for help and try to pack his things and get him out of the house?

Honestly, you have a better chance of your husband leaving, than chuff leaving.

Does that tell you something about your tactics????

Ding Ding Ding... WINNER!

This woman honestly thinks she's going to tell me to leave... and I will?

That does tell us something about her tactics, she's a bully and when faced with the truth or an opinion that results in her changing her ways or taking some kind of action that would improve her life falls into the same old routine of name calling and telling people to go. It is so obvious she's blind to her own behavior that she can't even see what she is doing that created her situation but how she keeps herself in it. Then you dare spend time trying to help her and she attacks you for it. The original question still stands, if the situation is so dire, why not take action to correct it? After what we've seen the only conclusion I can come to is, she doesn't to change her life, just complain about it. Maybe after some more name calling and telling me what to do (that I won't actually do) we can get to that answer.

Back to my old adage:

Insanity=doing the same thing,expecting different results.

If the OP really wants him to leave,as her post stated,why do the same thing expecting it to change?

If you tell someone to leave,3 times, why do it again,the result will be the same.

The OP needs to find a new answer to her situation,not finding a new fight for her 'continuing insane behavior'.

Maybe this isn't going to help her resolve this situation and maybe she will move on.

"justme4me disagrees: didnt change my question"

Oh Just you 4 you, why do I have feeling you did that out of hate.

Still haven't answered any question directed towards your situation have you? Always running from your problems, calling others names but never doing anything to change it. Maybe some day you'll catch on.

Want to smell MY breath?

And so the adventures start all over again.

Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.

Why is it that he should walk away? You are the one seeking change, you are the one responsible for making that change.

wanna smell MY breath?

I don't think we should kiss, you are a married woman.

So how are you going to change the problem that brought you to this board to begin with... this strategy doesn't seem to be working.

Well, everyone kept asking why should he leave. I guess my guardian angels heard your pleas and gave me the reason. He slipped up and now I have him in an undeniable situation that he can't head frig me with. I should have trusted my instincts knowing that this time would come instead of trying to rush things by asking for an easier way out. Funny how things work out. : ) I think I have taken my first breath in a long time. If I had only waited one more week, I wouldn't have bothered any of you.

You didn't 'bother' anyone!

You wrote in with a concern and we tried to reason with you.This was human interaction,not a jury hearing.

How did he slip up,If I may ask,we all would like to see you succeed,and if he just made it easier for you,great!Share the good news!

A ladies birthday gift and card left in the car. I wasn't supposed to be home so he felt safe to leave it there. I couldn't find my sunglasses so I check in his car before leaving to see if I left them there. I looked under the seat to see if they had fallen there and the rest is history as is he. I don't know that he has had her in my house but if I had left it would have been a distinct possibility that I would have had to live with.

I don't suppose its your birthday either,huh?

Well what's the next step?

We both get what we deserve. I love a good double entendre!

I guess I am confused on how the birthday gift/affair helps your situation.

I have only peeked through the countless posts on this situation, but I am not understanding why you haven't filed for divorce. He will be served and before a judge they will decide who will leave the marital property for the time being and than you can fight out the property issues at that time.

I am not understanding why you endured 32 years in this scenerio, how sleeping on a couch for the last 5 years was a solution? You should never be in a situation you know is unhealthy for 2 years while asking one partner to leave and he refuses. You have to take matters into your own hands. I don't know why you haven't researched your options years ago.

Kudos for trying to solve the situation now, but there isn't any piece of property I paid for that I would be miserable for and although I agree you shouldn't have to leave the property and essentially give up, but it would have been a temporary solution to having an unhealthy situation handled by now.

I am in a similar situation. 70% of the time I am happy, but I think I am only sticking it out for kids, and also in fear of him taking off with our oldest son.
He is sometimes aggressive in a threatening way (never actually does anything), when I say something like I am happier when you are working away. It perturbs me no end as he has a gambling problem which I have tried to be patient with while he has worked through it. He hasn't gambled since Jan this year. Also I find myself resenting his inability to grow up. When he walks through the door he usually sits his arse down and watches TV or gets on the computer, whilst I run around after our three children. I work full-time too. Sometimes he helps, most of the time he doesn't. He goes out with his mates or plays APL umpteen times a week, while I have sat at home slowly growing fat and resentful. I tell him at least once a week that I don't want to be in a relationship with him and that I am over it. I tell him I feel trapped and that I am living in an enemy camp and he completely ignores me like I haven't said a single word. Sometimes when he is asleep on the couch I would love to smack him over the head with a hammer, just to be done with the bull****. Life was meant to be nice. I was meant to be happy. I have three amazing children and a great job, a nice house and an awesome family, then there is this dead weight I have been lugging around with me for too long. I don't drink and I don't smoke... I just eat, eat, eat! You know what he says, I have no where to go!