"I really like you, but I still love my ex of 10 yrs!" [Archive] - Page 2

tabbarat

Sep 23, 2008, 04:58 AM

Completely true... as long as the ex is still in the pic, and she hasn't fully moved on yet, it won't be a full fledged "serious relationship"

Your right... we might hook up, we might even get round 2 (a couple again), and so far things seem to be going in that direction

But right now, I'm taking it easy, like it casual, and just glad me and her are talking and seeing each other again... enjoying the ride before any major decisions need to made or discussed

Time will tell what happens...

Thanks bro, take care

Update: after the nice ride to the airport and the call and message she made to me from check in; SHE called me again the next morning from turkey when she arrived, to let me know she got there safe

So I called her at night to see how her day went.. had a nice 5 min conversation

But then for 5 straight days we didn't have contact! I called once, andcdidnt get an answer or a call back?

I asked her friends if they had heard from her, they said no as well.. which made me feel a bit better (worried also)

So there was obviously 2 reasons: 1) having too much fun and wants to be alone 2) her dubai line doesn't work in turkey (need to have a lot of credits to call and receive international calls)

So she arrived last night, 2am dubai time.. she called me at around 3am... which is good, because that means I was still on her mind/missed me for her to call me that late and as soon as she arrives

She told me she wasn't able to call because of her credits... I believed her from her tone/gave her the benefit of the doubt

But I was out and a bit busy, so we didn't stay long on the phone.. I told her I'm glad she is back, I missed her, and I'll call her when I get home... but when I got home I didn't call... I just sent a message saying "goodnight, call u tmrw"

So I call her today at like 9pm, and get no answer and no call back?

So either she is playing games/hard to get... or maybe sleeping.. I don't know...

Anyway, not much to say.. the plan is still the same I guess... I still have to talk to her properly, see how her trip was, see how she still feels, see how her ex boyfriend situation is ,etc... and I'll take it from there

Just thought I'd update whoever is still interested... plus I was bored.. havent written here in a while :)

Take care

Mom of 2

Sep 30, 2008, 07:39 PM

She is not the only one who is playing games. Both of you are playing games.

Matteus

Oct 1, 2008, 03:03 AM

update: after the nice ride to the airport and the call and message she made to me from check in; SHE called me again the next morning from turkey when she arrived, to let me know she got there safe

so i called her at night to see how her day went..had a nice 5 min convo

but then for 5 straight days we didnt have contact! i called once, andcdidnt get an answer or a call back?!

i asked her friends if they had heard from her, they said no as well..which made me feel a bit better (worried also)

so there was obviously 2 reasons: 1) having too much fun and wants to be alone 2) her dubai line doesnt work in turkey (need to have a lot of credits to call and receive international calls)

so she arrived last night, 2am dubai time..she called me at around 3am...which is good, bc that means i was still on her mind/missed me for her to call me that late and as soon as she arrives

she told me she wasnt able to call bc of her credits...i believed her from her tone/gave her the benefit of the doubt

but i was out and a bit busy, so we didnt stay long on the phone..i told her im glad she is back, i missed her, and i;ll call her when i get home...but when i got home i didnt call...i just sent a message saying "goodnight, call u tmrw"

so i call her today at like 9pm, and get no answer and no call back?!

so either she is playing games/hard to get...or maybe sleeping..i dont know...

anyway, not much to say..the plan is still the same i guess...i still have to talk to her properly, see how her trip was, see how she still feels, see how her ex bf situation is ,etc...and i'll take it from there

just thought i'd update whoever is still interested...plus i was bored..havent written here in a while :)

take care

Why don't you two just sit back for a minute, relax, and have a serious talk about everything happened, is happening, and will happen? There are a lot of "whats" from your part, and I guess from her too. All these questions will just pump into your head, and will make the things harder and unclear for both of you. Just make the right questions, and not in the form of investigation (trying to find the hidden message in her answers). Have your answers, clear your mind, and enjoy what you have. Let the universe do the rest.

tabbarat

Oct 1, 2008, 04:08 AM

Hi matteus.. been a while :)

U are completely right... I want to do that... and we actually already did have a nice long serious conversation when we were on the phone for an hour and a half, and then it ended by her telling me "i feel like kissing you"

But you are correct... I am starting to get bored/sick of the questions... what I am sure of, is that she really likes both of us.. me and her ex... but what to do about it is what she is unsure of... I think she has days when she says "i should move on", and days when she says "what am i doing..this is my ex of 10yrs"...

Anyway, we have talked about this before and what I'm doing/going to do...

The next step is to see how her trip was, how she feels after the trip, etc... she is coming with me to a concert on Friday night... I reserved a table with her and our friends to Paul Van Dyk :)... that would be a good chance to have a nice talk like we did about 3 weeks ago

Take care guys

talaniman

Oct 2, 2008, 06:31 AM

We actually already did have a nice long serious conversation

And what was resolved with this serious conversation?

tabbarat

Oct 2, 2008, 06:41 AM

Your right, talaniman.. nothing was resolved... we only established that she loves both of us

But ASH is right, if my "head can handle it", then to stick it out and see what happens...

Funny thing last night.. I was getting some action with this girl I met in a night club ;), and during I get a message from my ex with a goodnight kiss

Talk about a buzz kill! She doesn't call back when I call her, but messages a goodnight kiss the next day

Anyway, not going to think about it too much.. hopefully going to see her tmrw night at the rave

Romefalls19

Oct 2, 2008, 07:21 AM

Man you are a glutin for punishment dude. She is stringing both of you along, I actually give points to this girl for being able to keep not one, but two guys on the hook for so long. I don't understand how you are getting by on so little from someone. All it took was a simple text message and you are in a buzz kill, man when my ex and I broke up and I was with a girl, my phone was the most distant thought in my mind. I was at a party talking to a few girls and my phone kept ringing and I refused to answer it just in case it was my ex, who at that point I would have taken back but I needed to make strides forward not backwards.

hjpan

Oct 2, 2008, 09:40 AM

talaniman

Oct 2, 2008, 10:01 AM

Ever wonder how females can tell if your with someone? They pay attention, and know your routine better than you do. Guys don't pay attention, and as a consequense, misunderstand, misread, and are confused.

Dude a female can give you a look that has you thinking you have a chance, when there is none at all.

Example,
A female who seems so confused about her feelings (yeah, right), but not confused about being with you, or giving you what you want.

When a female tells you she loves you both, and you chase. She knows she no longer has to give you anything to have you. She has you figured out already. Blow in your ear you will follow her anywhere.

Me, she makes up her mind without my influence at all.

Wonder what she would do with only a long distance b/f chasing her??

Your way to available to someone that sees you as an ex, who is a friend now, but wants her back.

Mom of 2

Oct 2, 2008, 04:42 PM

What kind of "serious" conversation can you have with someone at a concert with your friends around? You need to think more realistically about that.

Usually when someone has a serious conversation, at least some things are resolved. I don't think that either one of you wants to talk seriously about your situations and that both of you are avoiding any REAL serious conversations because they have a tendency to be rather uncomfortable. You may be talking about "things", but you are really skirting all of the issues that you should be talking about.

What in the heck do you want out of this? Do you want to continue to be strung along? Is she really able to give you want you need? What DO you need in a relationship? If there was one "perfect" girl out there (we all know no one is perfect, but this is just for sake of argument), what would you WANT her to be like? Do you think that this girl is capable of giving most, some or nothing of what you need? I feel that maybe you are more in love with the chase/challenge and trying to get what you may not be able to have. Ever think of that? Maybe you are putting this girl on such a high pedestal that she appears to be the ultimate catch, but is she really? You just say that you like her/love her, that you want her but you don't say why other than that you do. What qualities does this girl possess that you can't be without? I THINK I am falling in love with my boyfriend of 10 months AND I can clearly identify the qualities that I am falling in love with. Do you have that ability?

i havent talked to her in almost a week..let her miss me and realize what she is missing...she has a good thing with her here, dont know why she had to rekindle the past...giving her about 10 days-2 weeks to miss me...if she doesnt realize she made a mistake, i think im gonna have to forget about her

my questions are: 1) is my decision good? 2) or do i just call her and fight for her...and tell her she is making a mistake, etc...basically, what will make me get her back...fighting for her, or making her miss me?

This is from your original post. Maybe you have forgotten about it. In the first paragraph you appear to be almost possessive, as though she only belongs to you because you want her to miss you and to "realize she made a mistake" about reconnecting with her ex. You were only with her for 4 months and she was with her ex for 10 years. If she was MEANT to be with you, then why did she call him? That is something that you cannot answer because you are not her and only she can answer it. However, it certainly makes you wonder. Maybe it was just a habit. If it is a habit, be prepared that she will habitually keep going back to him. Are you prepared for that?

The second paragraph appears to offer 2 options for this relationship, but there is really only one - what will "make me get her back". You never had any intention of "forgetting her", although you stated "if she doesn't realize she made a mistake, I think im gonna have to forget about her." You have asked our opinions countless times about what you should do, when in fact you have every intention of "making" her, "influencing" her to come back to you. There is no other option for you. It is all or nothing. However, how much progress have you REALLY made? Not much really.

talaniman

Oct 2, 2008, 05:25 PM

Hmmmm, in a little more than a month you are in the same place as before. Maybe I'm wrong but where is the progress, and what about the hot tamale, that you were with when she called?

Mom of 2

Oct 2, 2008, 05:28 PM

I forgot about the hot tamale!! Yeah, what is up with that? If you really love someone, why even be tempted by someone else?

tabbarat

Oct 2, 2008, 08:13 PM

OK guys... in a perfect world, YES she is stringing both of us along! I agree..

If she still loves her ex and wants to get back with him, then why does she still call me, message me goodnight, want to kiss me, agree to come to the concert with me, etc and still show interest and flirt.. I ask myself that...

The answer is because her ex is thousands of miles away and she doesn't REALLY know if she wants to FULLY get back with him

I still don't get why TALNIMAN doesn't believe she is confused... try to put yourself in her place... she is wondering if she should move on or stay hung up on a past relation which is also long distance.. there is no doubt about that

Yes she is stringing BOTH of us along... and the ONLY reason I accept it is because it is her ex of TEN YEARS... I knew her situation before we started dating... I was OK with itand so was she... we both knew what we were getting into and decided to take it slow

So to me, its not like she is dating someone new... if she comes and tells me she likes someone new and that she is dating someone else here, then of course I would ditch her!

I don't know why, but for some reason I don't see her ex as a threat... sure 10yrs, but he lives far away, and she is not fully over me... thats why I keep getting encouraged to get back with her... especially knowing that her family doesn't approve of her talking to her ex again

U ask what I love about her? After only 4 mnths... the truth, many things! How we can spend hours talking, how we never argue, how we have fun together, how she always thinks the same things I do, how we tease each other and make each other laugh... so many things!

It is not the first time someone really likes/falls for someone after only 4mnths... it can happen

As for progress: well, we went from a break up, not talking, kissing, no messages, etc. to back to talking, messaging and kssing sometimes... granted we are not a couple again/didnt get her back... but sometimes it feels like we are,, like before she travelled and her calling me when she arrived from the airport... so there is progress, but still not out of the woods

As for the hot tamale? Haha... well, I did hesitate first, but then I told myself that I am still single... and she is talking to her ex again... so why not? Am I doing sth wrong? I don't think so... of course I didn't tell her about it.. I told her I met some girls we went out etc.. didnt tell her I got her back to my place

It was just lust, not love... before and after I was thinking of my ex... just not during ;)

What I think will happen is we will keep having this rollercoaster... one day she wants to move on and we will talk and flirt and kiss and go on a date, and one day she will be single... I will sometimes miss her and want to call her, and sometimes want to get with a hot tamale

The only way this will change is if we have a serious conversation or smthg else happens (she or I meet someone else that we like)

Right now I'm enjoying the ride.. and frankly, not going to make her choose between her ex and me yet, because I still feel the answer will be either him or I don't know and scare her off again... until I/she meet someone new or until I feel she is realizing her ex is a lost cause, I doubt I will make her choose

Take care all! :)

wikedjuggalo

Oct 2, 2008, 08:16 PM

So let me get this straight... You do not want to ask her to make a choice because you like being stringed along? Bud I guess if that floats your boat enjoy it but I know most men would not like that.

talaniman

Oct 2, 2008, 08:28 PM

I still don't get why TALNIMAN doesn't believe she is confused... try to put yourself in her place... she is wondering if she should move on or stay hung up on a past relation which is also long distance.. there is no doubt about that
She is trying to establish her life, and job, and have fun until someone she is really interested in comes along. Just as you have said your doing. That's not confusion. She can make a choice whenever she feels like it, no doubt. As I have said she can blow in your ear and your right there available to keep her from boredom or loneliness.

Believe it or not, I'm not trying to change your mind, but just be aware that your spinning your wheels. Read the stories here of those who have gone through the very same thing as you are now and see why the wonder how kissing and talking smooth gets them NOWHERE. But, its your time.

tabbarat

Oct 2, 2008, 08:31 PM

Of course I don't bro... no one does.. but the thing is 1) I don't REALLY feel strung along because her ex doesn't live here 2) her ex situation has always existed... I always knew he was an issue... it just came back to bite us in the arse

What I'm saying is, if she was stringing me along with someone new or just for the hell of it, I would have ditched her long ago and kept on screwing hot tamales

I don't like it, but I KIND of understand why she is having a hard time getting over her ex of 10yrs who wants to marry her..

All I'm saying is because I love this girl, I'm willing to stick it out a bit longer to see what choice she makes

I'm still in the picture, but she knows I'm going out and partying and "back on the single scene"... so still balancing FOR NOW

Eventually she will have to make a choice... but now is too soon... I can still feel that pressure from me will scare her off

"She is trying to establish her life, and job, and have fun until someone she is really interested in comes along. Just as you have said your doing."

talaniman: please elaborate... so from what your saying that she doesn't want to get back with her ex... if she is passing time until she meets someone?

So your saying she doesn't want either of us and is just passing time until she meets someone else? A 3rd guy? U think she can handle a 3rd guy?

Or did I misunderstand your post?

Hmmm.. sorry dude.. but your wrong... yesterday she sent me a goodnight message and I didn't answer... I TELL her I'm single and partying and meeting girls... sometimes I tell her I'l lcal her back and I don't.. in fact, I know it pisses her off when I don't.. she told me today she got bothered when I don't message her back... but I still do it

So I don't follow her like a dog... there is a difference between "playing the game" and just dropping her

wikedjuggalo

Oct 2, 2008, 08:42 PM

No your afraid that if you man up and stop following along like a dog she won't like it and drop you like a hot rock. Ugh Why are you so blind to things man? Your irrational.

wikedjuggalo

Oct 2, 2008, 08:52 PM

hmmm..sorry dude..but ur wrong...yesterday she sent me a goodnight message and i didnt answer...i TELL her im single and partying and meeting girls...sometimes i tell her i'l lcal her back and i dont..in fact, i know it pisses her off when i dont..she told me today she got bothered when i dont msg her back...but i still do it

so i dont follow her like a dog...there is a difference between "playing the game" and just dropping her
And there is a difference between the player and the played. I guess you have to be burned once to realize things.

Mom of 2

Oct 2, 2008, 10:00 PM

Ugh!! Again, what are the QUALITIES of this girl that you love? You still didn't define that. How can you love someone if you can't define her qualities? A new romance is ALWAYS intoxicating and that is why so many people think that they are in love because of the way that they FEEL when they are with that person. Believe me, that is not really love. It's lust and a need to be in love, almost forcing it.

Love is a lot more than that. Love is having respect for someone. How can you respect someone who is stringing two people along? How can you say that you love someone and still play games of saying that you are going to call and not calling, just to tick her off. Love NEVER plays games. AND the fact that you are playing games by bringing other girls over to your place truly means that you have no respect for women. Then again, a woman who would allow herself to go to a person's house she does not know has little respect for herself, but that is an entirely different issue. No, you may not have told this girl about the "hot tamale", but you have insinuated to her that you are going out on the scene and that you are with girls - and don't tell me that you are not doing it to make her jealous, because you are. Again, more games.

Stop rationalizing that what you are doing is working or that you are on the right path. I agree with Talaniman, she is not confused. She knows what she is doing. And you know what you are doing. You are both playing games, not talking seriously about what is going on, what you need from her and she from you in order for a REAL relationship to exist. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and you are too stubborn to admit it. So, continue to play your games. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Sorry that I may sound harsh, but this is getting ridiculous!!

hjpan

Oct 2, 2008, 10:10 PM

Ugh!!!! Again, what are the QUALITIES of this girl that you love? You still didn't define that. How can you love someone if you can't define her qualities? A new romance is ALWAYS intoxicating and that is why so many people think that they are in love because of the way that they FEEL when they are with that person. Believe me, that is not really love. It's lust and a need to be in love, almost forcing it.

Love is a lot more than that. Love is having respect for someone. How can you respect someone who is stringing two people along? How can you say that you love someone and still play games of saying that you are going to call and not calling, just to tick her off. Love NEVER plays games. AND the fact that you are playing games by bringing other girls over to your place truely means that you have no respect for women. Then again, a woman who would allow herself to go to a person's house she does not know has little respect for herself, but that is an entirely different issue. No, you may not have told this girl about the "hot tamale", but you have insinuated to her that you are going out on the scene and that you are with girls - and don't tell me that you are not doing it to make her jealous, because you are. Again, more games.

Stop rationalizing that what you are doing is working or that you are on the right path. I agree with Talaniman, she is not confused. She knows what she is doing. And you know what you are doing. You are both playing games, not talking seriously about what is going on, what you need from her and she from you in order for a REAL relationship to exist. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and you are too stubborn to admit it. So, go ahead and continue to play your games. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Sorry that I may sound harsh, but this is getting ridiculous!!!

Seems as if he just wants to get laid and nothing more.

tabbarat

Oct 3, 2008, 04:21 AM

Mom of 2: 1) what do you suggest? Tell her either me or her ex? Wouldn't that scare her off right now

2) of course I love her qualities... but it was 6 am dubai time, so I didn't really feel very "poetic" and feel like listing them :)

3) I agree with you I am playing games... and I agree with you about your definition of love

But EVERYONE has played games for his/her bf/gf at one point... no is innocent... sometimes you have to

hjpan: so your suggesting I didn't have sex with that girl? I don't get it... some of you tell me "move on, meet others, etc.", and when I go out and party and hook up, I get "u just wanna get laid, ur playing games, u dont respect women"

Since when is it wrong to hook up with another woman when you are single/gf deciding what she wants?

Take care all :)

I just want to emphasize that the games startes when she told me she is talking to her ex again... it wasn't always like this

When we were together it was according to your definition of love, mom of 2... no games, everything great, honesty, etc

The games started after... so I do respect women, WHEN WE ARE A COUPLE... but if she tells me she is confused and talking to her ex again, of course I'm going to play a game or 2.. and I'm sure she is to

1) this is a question of do the "means justify the end" or whatever they call it...

If I just walked away and didn't answer her calls and ditched her more than I did, she would be either a) with her ex fully or b) with someone new c) single

I don't see a d) back with me

2) maybe I should have gotten the hint when she contacted her ex... but he doesn't feel like a threat to me because he lives far away and I know part of her wants to move on

3) I did go NC... remember? When she told me she is talking to the ex again, I ditched her, and she called me... then she came when I invited her friends... then she said she wants to kiss me.. so she doesn't want me out of the pic either

4) I agree with you that "When you feel a female (or male) is confused, you leave them alone, because they will confuse you in the end."

2 options: a) ditch her and MAYBE months/yrs from now we get back... b) the way it is now, we talk, flirt, kiss, see each other, I can still get action on the side.. UNTIL we eventually decide on what is going on.. and if she only wants to be with me

I want her only; I love her, but until then, I'm fine "being with her" AND getting action.. I didn't ask for this!

Your right... a serious conversation would be: me or him.. decide... didnt have that yet... not ready

Just taking it easy... we both are... in time it will come up

It can't stay in limbo forever! No one can handle it

I like your post mom of 2 :)... u are right... until we have a serious conversation, it will stay in limbo... I will have the talk with her sometime soon

But I'm liking the way it is now... and so far, my head can still handle it

As for sleeping with women... it takes two to tango.. she agreed to come over... I didn't force her... these things happen.. love and sex are two different things.. I would prefer to have sex with the girl I love, but sometimes it doesn't work out like that...

I hope you don't think I'm some sleezy guy that sleeps aound with women left and right, because I'm not

Update:we went to the concert today... we were dancing, holding hands, hugging, flirting the whole time... we kissed a few times...

At the end of the night, I told her it was nice seeing u.. she said I don't want it to be the last time, I said we'll see ;)

I'm not saying you guys are wrong... she is kind of with me, but also kind of got back with her long distance ex.. three's a crowd... and it is wrong...

For example tonight, we were having this discussion, and she asked me if I would lie to her about smthg... I told her I would never lie to u, I would never hurt u, I would never make you cry, and all I would ever do is make you happy... she gave me one of those "i love this guy looks" and asked me "why?", I told her "i know why, but im not going to tell u now...i dont tell girls with bf's how i feel about them'" ;)... so I kind of touched upon it, and I felt like I hit a nerve

Anyway, stupid example... great night altogether... the girl said she wants to see me, so maybe in a few days... she asked me what I did last night, I told her I went out with some girls but didn't tell her I got laid... she got a bit bothered and mentioned it at the concert

Anyway, take care... goodnight

hjpan, you don't know her, so don't use words bigger than u

And you keep saying I want to get laid... we haven't had sex since she told me she was talking to her ex again.. so basically in more than a month...

I'll be completely honest with everyone... im not ready to get married anytime soon.. maybe in a couple of years... so why would I LIE to her and tell her I'm willing to give her everything, to ditch her ex, to choose me or him, when I'm not ready to give her everything yet?

Yes, I do love her, and yes, if we do get back and things are great and it is ONLY us, of course she is someone I would want to have a future with

What I want is a chance to see where this can go, because I know it can go somewhere and we can have smthg

But for NOW, I'm liking taking it easy... we are together but also not... it is OK, for NOW... sometime soon, I will bring it up.. I will have to ask her "what are we exactly?"

Anyway: she called me this morning... she wants to see me.. so we are going to go for lunch then a movie I think

Take care :)

talaniman

Oct 3, 2008, 05:56 AM

Never try to influence a female to your side with games, and manipulations, as that's a very lousy way to have an honest caring relationship.

When she first called her ex, you should have taken the hint, and got out of the situation, not try to influence her. That's NOT LOVE!!

When you feel a female (or male) is confused, you leave them alone, because they will confuse you in the end.

I don't know what kind of serious convos you guys have, but I do know that not only are the not productive, but not that honest either.

Don't let your stubbornness, lead you away from the right thing to do.

wikedjuggalo

Oct 3, 2008, 11:43 AM

Ugh man you contradict yourself read your post over. You don't want to be in limbo but yet you do not want to approach the issue. So until something happens nothing will change. Why should it? She is getting her cake and eating it too.

Matteus

Oct 3, 2008, 02:37 PM

this is how it goes down: my girl was with someone for 10 yrs! since she was 15...they lived together for 3 yrs...they would break up and get back, but she would always go back to him...about 6 months ago, he asked her to marry him..she rejected his because she was moving to another country for work, and bc she was willing to see what else is out there

thats where i come in...about 4 months ago, i met her at a party and we hit it off....we really started falling for each other, and started to really like each other...she told me that im the only one for her, etc...she made it clear to me that she wants to move on with me and ditch her past, and concentrate on us, but she just needed time...for example, when we would be getting sexual, she would sometimes hesitate first, because it would be the first time with someone new (other than her ex of 10yrs)...i didnt care, i really liked her, so i respected her past, respected the fact that she was with someone for so long, and didnt mind taking it slow with her until she fully forgets about him

things were going fine until, she got a warning at work..she was told to pick up her sales within 2 weeks or shes getting fired! so of course she started panicking and worrying, etc...she only wanted to stay home and never felt like going out..i would have to beg her to go out so i can see her...

after about 10 days of not seeing her and arguing a bit on the phone...she tells me the truth: for the past week me and my ex started talking again..she said she told him about work and the warning and that she told him bc he is the person that knows her best...she told me that she realized that she still has feelings for him..the exact words were, "i really like you, but i still love my ex...im really confused..maybe we should take it easy for a while, take things slow"

i havent talked to her in almost a week..let her miss me and realize what she is missing...she has a good thing with her here, dont know why she had to rekindle the past...giving her about 10 days-2 weeks to miss me...if she doesnt realize she made a mistake, i think im gonna have to forget about her

my questions are: 1) is my decision good? 2) or do i just call her and fight for her...and tell her she is making a mistake, etc...basically, what will make me get her back...fighting for her, or making her miss me?

Several posts here are based on same schema:
1. Somebody gets dumped.
2. He founds it is not so straightforward to arrange such a situation, due to his lack of experience, etc.
3. He even does not try to learn something from what happened, but his "the one and only" thought is how to get his ex back (due to his ego, his needs, and a lot of other things I don't remember). He doesn't even try to understand that the only thing he must do after a breakup is to move on, cause once its broken, nothing can be repaired as it was.
4. He writes post to this forum. Most of these posts contain words like: "HEELP" or "PLEEEEASE".
5. He is dissapointed that others do not give him step by step solution of his probem in 10 minutes after he wrote his post, and that he doesn't hear what he wants to hear.

I think it is common problem visible not only in this forum: how to find simple solution of my problem without my own effort.

Mom of 2

Oct 3, 2008, 03:19 PM

You ask me what you should do? I would ask her, "him or me" because how much longer are you going to be strung along? The fact that you REFUSE to have this "serious convo" means that you probably already know what the outcome is going to be and you are delaying the inevitable. You don't have control over it over the outcome because she has a hold of the reigns - and by the way you gave her that. She is continuing to do what she is doing because she KNOWS that she can get away with it and that you will accept it. What should you do? MOVE ON!!

By the way, moving on DOES NOT mean that you sleep with someone before getting to know them. This action shows that you did not have respect for that "hot tamale" otherwise you would not have taken her home and slept with her. Have control over your hormones!! Why does everyone think that it is okay to sleep around when they are single? No, you're not tied down to anyone, but don't you have enough self respect for yourself to not do this. You can hang out with girls but you don't have to sleep with them!! You DON'T respect women when you sleep with them without any consideration of knowing them or any intention of being part of their life after the act.

SUMMARY:
1. Tell her to sh*t or get off the pot
2. Move on, but don't sleep around
3. Focus on getting to know yourself better and finding out what you need in a relationship
4. Don't force anyone to be with you. If they are meant to be with you, you will not have to force it (you used the phrase "make her come back to me" in several posts, which means you are attempting to force her, persuade, manipulate her. Stop denying it and accept the course of your actions)
5. STOP PLAYING GAMES!!

Mom of 2

Oct 3, 2008, 09:51 PM

You actually LIKE the way that things are? Then why are you asking for advice? If you like it, then be prepared for more of the same if you are willing to avoid the serious, heart to heart that you need to have in order to get the answers to the questions that you seek. You can ask us for advice until the cows come home, but ultimately the only person who has an answer to your questions is her - and you are way too stubborn and afraid to ask.

Mom of 2

Oct 3, 2008, 09:59 PM

By the way, I just read the little blurb at the end of your posts: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". I'm here to tell you, no it won't. Look within yourself for the healing that you need to do in order to get over someone.

hjpan

Oct 3, 2008, 10:04 PM

By the way, I just read the little blurb at the end of your posts: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". I'm here to tell ya, no it won't. Look within yourself for the healing that you need to do in order to get over someone.

It's very obvious now.

He just wants to get laid but his heart is attached to a hoe =/

wikedjuggalo

Oct 4, 2008, 04:38 AM

You say you love her so what do you love about her?

liz28

Oct 4, 2008, 05:13 AM

I think your confused about this situation because sometimes you referred to her ex as her ex but other times you referred to him as her boyfriend. Exactly which one is it. Also, remember he doesn't know about you but meanwhile you know about him. That's why she pulls back sometimes because she might feel guilty but I bet if he did know about you things would be very different.

talaniman

Oct 4, 2008, 05:58 AM

For example tonight, we were having this discussion, and she asked me if I would lie to her about smthg... I told her I would never lie to u, I would never hurt u, I would never make you cry, and all I would ever do is make you happy... she gave me one of those "i love this guy looks" and asked me "why?", i told her "i know why, but im not going to tell u now...i dont tell girls with bf's how i feel about them'" ;)... so I kind of touched upon it, and I felt like I hit a nerve

If that ain't game, I don't know what is.

Mom of 2

Oct 4, 2008, 09:09 AM

The only way that you will truly hit a nerve is when you talk directly about it, not around it. She is not the only one that has to sh*t or get off the pot, YOU DO!!

Hjpan is not saying you're sleeping with your ex. You said that you slept with the hot tamale and that is what he is talking about. You tried to justify what you did, but there is no justification for it - you needed to satisfy your hormonal itch. You slept with her because you wanted to get laid, plain and simple. Stop denying it because we won't believe you. By the way, anytime that you say, "I'll be completely honest..." it usually means that you have not been honest so far. I have a background in psychology, so I know what I am talking about. The person that you need to be completely honest with is yourself and ultimately her. This is something that has not happened otherwise you would not be in the situation you are currently in.

I can't believe that you are thinking about a future with this girl because you don't have a present with her. What in the heck are you afraid of? I know, you don't want to be rejected. By the way, that is exactly what happened. She rejected you the minute that she called her ex and got him back into her life AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT. Who would? I just can't believe that you are still sticking around and putting up with it. You feel the need to control her actions and decisions, but you can't. You are also willing to put up with what she is doing, which is wrong. Stop being so defensive and trying to justify your actions because they are not getting you anywhere. This thread is chock full of very good advice, but you are not even willing to fully listen to it, much less follow anything that we are recommending. That's your prerogative. However, you keep telling us that we are wrong in our thinking. If you are so right, then why are you still in the same situation you were in at the very beginning of your post? She may be talking to you more, but there has been no REAL progress in your situation - I can't say it's a relationship because it is not.

Your situation is not progressing and will not progress until you talk about it. Stop fooling yourself that you are okay with this. If you are really okay with this, then why are you still posting updates on this thread? And by the way, your updates are more of the same. You could probably not post any updates for several months and we would still know what is going on - which is NOTHING!! I know exactly what your next update is going to say - "She called me tonight and we had a nice flirty convo". Been there done that. Now do something that will show us you are making progress!!

talaniman

Oct 4, 2008, 09:15 AM

You have a good future as a spin doctor, but leave being a player to those that know what to do.

Mom of 2

Oct 4, 2008, 11:24 AM

I have a feeling that this guy will continue with this situation in order to TRY and prove that all of our advice is wrong. Therefore, the saga will continue and continue and continue and continue.

Until next time... (we all know what his next update is going to be).

Chery

Oct 4, 2008, 12:40 PM

.. these things happen.. love and sex are two different things.. I would prefer to have sex with the girl i love, but sometimes it doesn't work out like that...

Honey, you just love sex..

At the end of the night, I told her it was nice seeing u.. she said I don't want it to be the last time, I said we'll see ;)

I'm not saying you guys are wrong... she is kind of with me, but also kind of got back with her long distance ex.. three's a crowd... and it is wrong...

But it's part of the game you love to play and win. that's what excites you!

For example tonight, we were having this discussion, and she asked me if I would lie to her about smthg... I told her I would never lie to u, I would never hurt u, I would never make you cry, and all I would ever do is make you happy... she gave me one of those "i love this guy looks" and asked me "why?", I told her "i know why, but im not going to tell u now...i dont tell girls with bf's how i feel about them'" ;)... so I kind of touched upon it, and I felt like I hit a nerve

You both are starving for compliments and affection, for different reasons.

Anyway, stupid example... great night altogether... the girl said she wants to see me, so maybe in a few days... she asked me what I did last night, I told her I went out with some girls but didn't tell her I got laid... she got a bit bothered and mentioned it at the concert

Of course you won't, she'll be out of this game you love to play, can't risk that. You'd have to look for someone else to amuse you. She's still enough of a challenge to stop now.

Anyway, take care... goodnight

Good night, your audience will still be here when you come back and tell us more.

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Matteus

Oct 4, 2008, 04:59 PM

Good night, your audience will still be here when you come back and tell us more.

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Dear Chery and others... Im sorry to say this, but this time I really don't understand you. This guy its obviously going his way, you like it or not! We all have said our word here, and he made it clear, no matter what, he will do what he wants to do. Someone here was talking about "you wont hear what you want to hear". Now we are hearing what we don't like to hear too. He is not stubborn. He just wants to do something we others call it "playing with the fire". Or to prove to us and himself that there is also another alternative and that we are wrong. It seems like the fire does not have any significant meaning to him. He may burn or not. That way he will have his lesson, be it good or bad. As I saw, in all his posts he never really asked for help. Or at least that kind of help usually people ask for and we usually have to offer. On the other hand, if we keep trying to put him in the right track, it may sound like we are forcing his decisions, and also it may sound like we want to prove to him that he is wrong.

hjpan

Oct 4, 2008, 05:10 PM

Dear Chery and others... Im sorry to say this, but this time i really dont understand you. This guy its obviously going his way, you like it or not! We all have said our word here, and he made it clear, no matter what, he will do what he wants to do. Someone here was talking about "you wont hear what you want to hear". Now we are hearing what we dont like to hear too. he is not stubborn. he just wants to do something we others call it "playing with the fire". Or to prove to us and himself that there is also another alternative and that we are wrong. it seems like the fire does not have any significant meaning to him. he may burn or not. that way he will have his lesson, be it good or bad. as i saw, in all his posts he never really asked for help. or at least that kind of help usually people ask for and we usually have to offer. On the other hand, if we keep trying to put him in the right track, it may sound like we are forcing his decisions, and also it may sound like we want to prove to him that he is wrong.

I was one of the members who said "he just wants to listen to those who agrees with him."

tabbarat

Oct 4, 2008, 05:17 PM

You guys always know how to put a smile on my face :)

I don't know why you guys have this impression of me that I'm a guy that likes to get laid with hot tamales, likes to always win and play games? That is really far from the truth!

Anyway: 1) juggalo: I already said many things I love about her... I isn't going to list them again... I don't know why you doubt how much I care about this girl? I really do, or else I would have quit long ago and stayed with my tamales ;)

No exaggerating but I think she is the most girl I have ever gotten along with and clicked with... we just fit... I don't have to justify it for anyone... I know what love is (had it for 5 yrs (ex relationship), and I love this girl)

2) liz 28: yes, she pulls back sometimes out of guilt for her ex... I would have agreed with you but it said I have to spread some reputation around

To clarify... he was her ex of 10yrs when she was with me... now that they are talking again and she realized she also still has feelings for him, I say that he is her boyfriend... its just a typo; not more.. they are back in contact, but it is still long distance

3) talaniman: the line I used was to be smooth/flirtatious... what am I supposed to say: "because i love u and want to be with u and can't be without u, etc...".. sometimes you have to leave things hanging and mysterious... she is the one with the boyfriend, so she should be the one trying to interpret my feelings and if I still want her or not.. so sometimes I confuse her... sometimes I'm available, sometimes I'm not... this helps in staying out of the friendzone, and in not letting her have her FULL cake and eating it too

By the way, I never said I was a player... I like single life... but I don't cheat/lie to women.. I may play the occasional game or two, LIKE EVERYONE DOES, may be flirtatious, but I never cheat or two-time

4) mom of 2: u make it sound like I stuck around when she didn't want me too... she was honest and told me what happened.. I backed off.. she initiated contact.. I still love her, so I went along with it... now it's a give and take... she calls me and wants to see me... she wants me around... and I do too

Your right, this thread is full of good advice... never denied it... I agree with you we need to have a serious conversation "e or get of the pot"... but not now... like I said, so far I'm enjoying taking things slow with her... we still talk, see each other, kiss, but not FULLY together yet... we both are fine the way it is now... when things get more hot and heavy, we WILL have the talk... I promise... no reason to bring it up now when all we do is see each other like once or twice a week and kiss.. it is still pretty friendly

I got laid because like I said millions of times, I love single life ALMOST as much as I love my ex.. I have been single more than in relationships... so sleeping with a hot tamale (CAN WE STOP CALLING HER THAT... HAHA) seemed familiar... I am single, and it happened... happens to millions of guys everyday.. no need to psychoanalyze why I slept with her, mom of 2

Why is it OK for her to talk to her ex again, but I have to be celibate?

As for today's update ladies and gentleman: she called me in the morning and wanted to see me... we went to the mall.. had a great time, yes it was like we were together again... hugging, kissing, etc... dropped her home... SHE called to say goodnight

To be honest: yes, part of me wants to prove that YOU CAN GET UR EX BACK... some guys have actually privately mnessaged me saying "good job"... one month ago we were not talking.. now it is LIKE we are together... not back, but PROGRESS!

I'm not a bad person, so I'm not doing it to prove you wrong.. im just a guy that loves a girl and wants to get back with her.. and is willing to try... maybe its wrong, maybe its right... but it will be my mistake to make/learn from

Matteus: MY FRIEND! :) I also would have agreed with u, but the website said I couldn't... he is right, I decided to face the challenge and "play with fire"... not because I'm someone that is a player or like to win or play games, but because like I said many times before: I rarely fall in love, but when I do, I hold on to it

Goodnight all! I will still update for those who want to read; make it more of a diary

Thans again :)

Matteus, you like tiesto, paul van dyk, armin van burren, etc?

Wouldn't the better question be directed to her: "if u still love ur ex of 10yrs, then why do u also still want to be with me?"

The question all you people are asking me can also be directed to her... we BOTH are playing/like the game... and taking it easy for now

Hmm.. thought people from Albania were more into trance and house and techno :)... armin is number 1 dj for 2007, tiesto is number 2, paul van dyk number 3... went to a paul van dyk concert last night, and a tiesto concert in July

Anyway, was just wondering :)... rock music is good too... I occasionally like the "explosives" from coldplay, foo fighters, U2, etc.

wikedjuggalo

Oct 4, 2008, 05:22 PM

I don't doubt how much you like her but love is a strong word. If the feelings are truly there then you should be able to simply list them or give a few. Never said you were a bad person because you have accepted a challenge. Only thing I see you like is the game. Want to prove us wrong want to show us? Then ask her who she wants to be with.

Matteus

Oct 4, 2008, 05:27 PM

matteus, u like tiesto, paul van dyk, armin van burren, etc?

Only tiesto, the others never heard about :) but I'm more of a rock guy, although sometimes I need some explosives made by tiesto :)

brandibaby23

Oct 7, 2008, 07:07 PM

Well come on I have been following the story and now nothing!! What the hell is going on did he get the girl or what?? Come on I have been waiting all day to know what happens next!! :D

wikedjuggalo

Oct 7, 2008, 07:11 PM

Nothing will ever happen until he approaches the issue at hand.

brandibaby23

Oct 7, 2008, 08:19 PM

Well Sh it I'm mad I want to read more!!

tabbarat

Oct 8, 2008, 02:25 AM

Hi brandi... how you doin'? ;)

Well... depends on what you say if I got her back or not... considering that a month ago we were not talking at all and it was over, and now we talk almost everyday, see each other almost everyday, and when we do it is as if we are together, then you can say "yes, we are back"... BUT, if your question is did she stop talking to or liking her ex of 10yrs, then the asnwer is "no"... weird situation... kind of a limbo stage... we're both OK taking it easy and slow for now... but juggalo is right, nothing will REALLY move forward until we have a serious discussion about "what are we?"

So for now... just enjoying being together again... taking it easy.. no pressure.. not worrying about her long distance ex

Keep in touch :)

Come on guys.. if its one thing I am NOT.. its a wimp and a stalker.. dont you see how hot I look in my red Hugh Hefner robe smoking a cigarette? ;) hehehe...

U can still try to get her back and stay in the pic but ALSO when I'm with her, be strong and assertive

Like I still sometimes tell her sorry I'm busy, not answer her calls, if she messages smth sweet I message back smthg normal... my demeanor and conversations with her are of a strong assertive type.. actually more of the: "i know u like me, u know i like u..but for now im cool...im cool with u, AND im cool with my hot tamales"... she doesn't know I fcuked someone else, but she knows I'm back in the game

Hmm.. I don't think she would like me sharing our personal life with the world... especially the hot tamale part! Heheh... although I like your list of things I like about her (hair, smile, etc.)... maybe I'm going to copy and paste it :P

As for the ex... yes, after 10yrs,there is no doubt there is some comfortability there... I completely agree... but that's where it should stay... I don't want her to get back with him at every turn/point of stress... she has to realize the past is the past and present and future are smthg else

As for the updates: well, I have seen her almost everyday for one week... we talk everyday.. we kiss... we act as if we are together... but still nothing official...

We BOTH are not ready for the ''sH IT or get off the pot conversation"..we both are enjoying our time now togther...so we'll see

nice hearing from u brandi...keep 'em coming :)

1) if u publish it and make a million, i will be waiting for my commission cheque :)

2) no woman will take me seriously at this stage?! i must disagree..if i wasnt being taken seriously, i would be out of the pic..not still very much in it...i guess im just too special to be let go :)

3) for the last time...i dont need anyone to tell me i dont love her/question my love for her..because THAT is going from one ear and out the other

if i only wanted her bc of the competition/she started talking to er ex again, i would have gotten bored and quit...but instead, i enjoy being with her, talking to her kissing her, etc...THAT is what is making me stay...i LOVE her for the person she is, with or without a bf

and stop turning everything on me...if SHE

...only wanted to be with her ex, then why is she allowing herself to be with me...she could easily say this is a mistake, etc...but instead she allows herself to stay with me..even when i tell her im cool with or without u

WHY do we keep talking about this??? u are going back chery...get with the program :)...we are past that stage on wondering why i just didnt move on/give up...i made my decision, and now at a new stage/level

have a good one too...and i always enjoy ur advice and posts..just bc i do my own thing doesnt mean i dont consider ur advice vluable or true

btw..a comedy?? im wondering what about about my situation makes u laugh...really...

especially when i get private messages telling me "good job"... ur able to get a girl with an ex of 10yrs to fall for you and be confused... u are on your way to getting her back... u were no contact and now you kiss, etc..

So actually maybe I'll publish a book on how to get your ex back and make a million ;) cheers

brandibaby23

Oct 8, 2008, 09:53 AM

Well hi there you are. Well I do agree that the sh it or get off the pot conversation needs to be had but I guess all in good time. But I have been in the exact situation you are ALMOST but I have felt the way you have and did what you've done and it is always easier to GIVE advice than to take it. I think, (Now just my opinion) that you are scared and or nervous to have this talk for the fear of not hearing what you would like or making her defensive. Which is normal for the more softly emotional people like myself. You don't seem like most guys mad, insecure and to the point. And truthfull this situation COULD go either way. But I once dated a guy for a long time and after we boke up he still pursued me A lot and I dated other guys but I always kept him just far enough away but just close enough to ensure I had someone "there" I ended up not liking him at all after it was said and done because he seemed in my eyes a mopey, sappy, whimp. He has now since married and had children and I have never been happier for him. It hurt he moved on but I was glad I couldn't hurt him any longer. So I think well hell what do I know, but girls are looking for that strong assertive rock to be with and rely on, just don't be a push over. And when your conversation does come up or smething have you thought of letting her read this OF course the part about your "Hot tamale" might be good to let out or not, because women are weird sometimes and knowing that "their" man may be or has been with someone else really makes you the hot item. HA HA SOMETIMES NOT ALWAYS. But I as a girl would think it kind of SWEET that you have made a whole forum dedicated to me and our lives thus far. Although you might want to brush up on the list of things you like about her a little better, you know like her personality and the way her hair smells, her drive and her sex appeal, her ways for making you laugh, the way she makes you feel etc... lol But just some different suggestions. Good luck I will be waiting to here the next chapter. Oh and I also feel that she may have her "Feelings" for her Ex confused with "comfortability". She thinks she still has feelings for him because she "used" to him because if it was love she felt for him she would have married him! Nothing can stop love not even a JOB OFFER!

Chery

Oct 9, 2008, 05:48 PM

Several posts here are based on same schema:
1. Somebody gets dumped.
2. He founds it is not so straightforward to arrange such a situation, due to his lack of experience, etc.
3. He even does not try to learn something from what happend, but his "the one and only" thought is how to get his ex back (due to his ego, his needs, and a lot of other things i dont remember). He doesnt even try to understand that the only thing he must do after a breakup is to move on, cause once its broken, nothing can be repaired as it was.
4. He writes post to this forum. Most of these posts contain words like: "HEELP" or "PLEEEEASE".
5. He is dissapointed that others do not give him step by step solution of his probem in 10 minutes after he wrote his post, and that he doesnt hear what he wants to hear.

I think it is common problem visible not only in this forum: how to find simple solution of my problem without my own effort.

My dear Matteus, truer words were not spoken/written in a long, long while! And sometimes I get the feeling that a few posters are looking for an audience and not a solution. So, go figure!

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Chery

Oct 9, 2008, 06:05 PM

Dear Tabbarat.

A while back I think I suggested a book for you to read called ''Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus''. I usually don't suggest any books, but this one you really need to check out. It explains the difference between the language, when to say what and how, among many other very enlightening information on how to keep a good relationship going and getting stronger.

Apparently, from what you've written so far, you never tried to understand any woman's conversation unless it was focused on just you and maybe any competitors you might have in this game you play. Anything else just went in one ear and right out the other because it was of no interest.

I could translate for you exactly what you are really saying - what a woman reads in your 'conversations', but it would embarrass you and it would stress me out to the max. Believe me, no smart woman will take you seriously at this stage.

I am not judging, just stating what I perceive and we all have our opinions.

So, if you are comfortable with the life you lead, keep on trucking, and continue to entertain me throughout this thread. But I for one, can no longer take your claim of 'love' for her seriously, so I will not waste my time in trying to give you further advice on that issue.

If my cancer were not limiting my time, I would actually take this thread, have it published as a comedy, and would probably make my first million within 6 months.

Have a good one..

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Chery

Oct 9, 2008, 06:37 PM

On issue 1) on post 338.. I've always been a day late and a dollar short on getting rich - it's just not meant to happen and I probably would not be the same person I am now. A few things that I came up with are already patented by those that mobbed me at work - but they will have to live with that lie for the rest of their lives.

Sorry I'm not caught up, but I still think the girls stay with you because they don't consider you as a serious contender for a future - that's what I meant. They know as well as I do that you still like playing the game. She met you at that level and read you this way, so unless you change your attitude, she will not take your feelings serious - it will take a bit of work to convince her that you don't plan on playing a game with her any longer. Then, she might leave you because she might not be ready for a steady at this time. It can go both ways.

No matter what happens, I do seriously wish you luck and success and thank you for the compliment.

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tabbarat

Oct 9, 2008, 06:44 PM

Thank u, miss chery :) good luck to u too!

Chery

Oct 9, 2008, 06:59 PM

thank u, miss chery :) good luck to u too!

Thanks. Honey, I earned Momma C or grandma as a title and it took a long time to get there. 'miss' takes me back to where I started and I never want to go back there. I feel sorry for all the young folks who have a long way to go.. especially in a world as messed up as it is right now. Just wanted to let you know, and there is no offense taken.

Night, Night,

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talaniman

Oct 9, 2008, 07:49 PM

so actually maybe I'll publish a book on how to get your ex back and make a million ;) cheers
I thought you actually had to get the ex back, to claim a check. Kissing and playing games because her other ex isn't there, doesn't count.

Matteus

Oct 10, 2008, 03:43 AM

btw..a comedy?? im wondering what about about my situation makes u laugh...really...

especially when i get private messages telling me "good job"...ur able to get a girl with an ex of 10yrs to fall for u and be confused...u are on ur way to getting her back...u were no contact and now u kiss, etc..

so actually maybe i'll publish a book on how to get ur ex back and make a million ;) cheers

Its not your situation that makes us laugh. Its you. You keep telling us how great you are, being proud about your "good job", feel great and like winning a prize about the messages others sent to you, telling you how a good worker you are, etc. Now listen man! NO ONE HERE WANTS TO HEAR THAT BULLSH!T! All that confusion, all this story, every action she has made during this time, since she talked to her ex, it was NOT about you. For her, you are just someone lying in the corner waiting for a signal from her, and making illusions about "love" and "a great" relationship you might have. Yeah, sure.. By the way, i never commented it, but you say you can offer her more of you, and that if she only knew your potential, she would come running right into your arms. Yes, right. ITS YOU WHO DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH FROM HER, not her, and you know it. Don't you understand that everyone here its not that dumba5s? Anyway, its not you who made her confused and don't give yourself gold medals for it. Stop lying to yourself that is you who made her confused and for whom she falled in. Its her ex who brings her confusion. Its how she sees her future with him, that brings her confusion! YOU are just someone who is living with her reactions and you are allowing it. Let me explain this too. She feels for her ex. Her ex its not there. She still at some point is angry at her ex, but she has learned to forgive him, thats why first she told you she wants to leave the past behind, but now is acting completely different! in the moment she feels lonely, she knows she has you. And YOU think she falled in... Yes, I know, she told you she loved you, you had so much fun together, you were such great, you had something, etc. BUT this is how you and only you saw that situation. If you ask her, and if she would be really sincere about it, you would have just completely other kind of answers! A rebound its not more than this. And you are more of the same.

liz28

Oct 10, 2008, 04:02 AM

I thought you actually had to get the ex back, to claim a check. Kissing and playing games because her other ex isn't there, doesn't count.

I couldn't give you a greenie but I totally agree.

Mom of 2

Oct 10, 2008, 10:41 AM

I agree with Talaniman (couldn't rate your answer).

Tabbarat, why do you continue to say that you got her back?

BTW - What are the qualities that of this girl that you are so in love with? You never stated them. Is that because you are having a hard time saying what they are? Whenever anyone asks me what I love about my boyfriend, I can rattle them off one right after the other. AND I never get "tired" of saying what they are. Don't tell someone else to get with the program until you are with the program yourself.

wikedjuggalo

Oct 10, 2008, 10:45 AM

tabbarat

Oct 10, 2008, 05:17 PM

I never said I FULLY got her back... but it was 2 things that made us PARTIALLY get back: 1) her ex isn't here 2) me being in the picture, flirting, giving space, etc. CONFUSING HER, doing what I did..

Mattias and everyone else, I invite you to come to dubai and see us together... then tell me that "i only love the chase, dont love her, and etc."

I was never a sentimental person, so forgive me if I don't feel like writing a poem here... but if you guys look back on the posts, you will see that I did write them once.. about how we have fun together, we talk for hours, never argue, have pet names for each other, tease each other, kiss, etc... there are many, trust me

Anyway, I'm bored of going back and proving to you all that she also feels the same way for me.. it should be easier for her to tell me to fcuk off since she now is talking to her ex again, but she doesn't,. so either she still really likes me/doesnt want me out of her life OR I'm that much of a good kisser/lover and wants me physically... you choose.. actually, I'll tell u... its BOTH.. in her own words

tabbarat has left the building...

Hahahah... btw, I love how I have a red box for "bad reputation"... keep 'em coming

Bad reputation huh? Girls love bad boys ;)... but I'm sure you all will remember me for years to come... tabbarat, the guy that didn't listen to anyone on this website and went on his own way :)

Take care all

Whoa! Who said I was leaving? I was just taking time off a bit because there was nothing new to say, and evrytime I update, I get a negative comment... so I think maybe I'll only write whenevr smthg big/significant happens

Don't worry, ladies.. im here to stay! :)

But I do want to thank you all for your advice... I really do feel I have met some really nice and intelligent people here...

Take care

We kind of touched on that serious conversation subject today...

We have never fought, not once in the 6 mnths I've known her!. so I pointed that out to her today and started to pick a fight as a joke ;)

She told me to stop because she had 10 yrs of fights with her ex, and doesn't want to have any with me! And that she loves how we get along, and understand each other, etc. :)

I then asked her what they used to fight about, she told me... but I could see from her tone/what she was saying that she still has feelings for him

So I told her that if she does decide to be with me, I would never make her cry and be good to her... I respect (not like/agree with) the fact that she still has feelings for her ex of 10 yrs, but that she should know a good thing when she sees it, because it won't be there forever! Not to get too comfortable

I told her I'm happy the way things are now, and how we are taking things slow, still talking, kissing, etc... BUT it can't last forever... eventually I will meet someone

She said she understands, she really likes me, and she is "angry at how her past still affects her, and wishes it was so easy for her to move on and just be with me bc that is what she wants"

So conclusion: we both really like each other, we both hope to move forward together, but for now we both are still happy the way it is now

The only new thing is that I said that that eventually I will meet someone new who appreciates me and it can't stay like this forever (for her not to get too comfortable)

So for now I guess, things are still the same, but at least the subject was touched on

Anyway, then we made out and I dropped her home :)

Take care all

brandibaby23

Oct 10, 2008, 07:52 PM

Damn I guess this could be the end of the line huh?? Well you can write me and tell me what goes on I am bored and interested lol. Sorry dear. I will give no more advise since you have gotten so much already but I would still be interested in knowing the out come

talaniman

Oct 10, 2008, 10:02 PM

Tabbarat;1315237, hahahah... btw, I love how I have a red box for "bad reputation"... keep 'em coming

Go back and read why you have them, and see how you EARNED them, nothing personal.

Bad reputation huh? Girls love bad boys ;)... but I'm sure you all will remember me for years to come... tabbarat, the guy that didn't listen to anyone on this website and went on his own way :)

You have that right to listen, or do as you choose, and actually, your not any different than many of the people who come here, looking for suggestions and insights to help them through their situation, and if you had really read some of the other posts, their attitude WAS the same as yours, until they learned for themselves that the advice given, was to help, because people really cared.

Take care all

I hope it works out, I really do.

Chery

Oct 11, 2008, 04:30 AM

Honey, there is no reason for you to leave, and please don't get offended. I don't know who gave you the bad rating, but it should not be there, as you are living your life, and trying your best - and that's all we can do.

You just have a different view of life for yourself. And I think it's nice for her to pay attention to you because I bet you are a fun guy to be with, joke with, talk for hours.. You are just not 'permanent material' in my eyes, but that does not make you a bad guy! I hope you stay on - and so does this young lady, otherwise she would have completely broken with you by now. So, you do have qualities as a fun person and friend.

Just be assured that we (I) will be here when you need to talk - and give us a follow-up, no matter how it turns out. It's always nice to be able to talk to people who know a little about the real you and if/when you need someone, I'll be here. We all have a choice and right to follow a path that we feel best in, right or wrong, so do what your 'gut' feelings tell you to do for now, but also know that when the time comes for you to be really serious about someone and want to work on it, there are different ways for you to try..

At present, you just don't have a crucial relationship problem, you just have a different view... that's all I want to tell you right now. Come back any time..

Chery
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE) She does enjoy still being with you, so enjoy that time, no matter for how long.

slapshot_oi

Oct 14, 2008, 09:22 AM

Dude, I'm going through the same thing, to a T. I'm sure this was already stated; don't contact her and let her come to you. It's a bad idea to tell her what she wants and what she's missing, by doing that, you'll just give her control of the situation and then she can write you off easier than ever.

If it turns out she chooses her ex-boyfriend over you, like you said, it's her loss.

Mom of 2

Oct 14, 2008, 11:59 AM

You still need to have that serious conversation at some point. Let her come to you and then have it. Really think about what you are going to say and HOW you are going to say it.

tabbarat

Oct 16, 2008, 05:32 PM

Look what happened today.. the past 10 days, me and my ex have been seeing each other and talking everyday and everything good and we kiss and flirt, etc...

So today I was going to a night club.. when I told her, she got pissed... she told me she might come and surprise me... I told her OK, but if you catch me with a girl she is my cousin :P.. I was kidding/teasing her... I send her a message of a kiss to make her feel better, she didn't reply... I don't get it, she tells me she still has feelings for her ex and wants to take things slow... when I tell her I'm going clubbing, she gets pissed?

Then, at 2 am she calls me and says she is outside the club? I was shocked, so I go outside, and she is with another girl and 2 guys (not very nice looking, so didn't get jealous ;))! The bouncers didn't let her in because our table was full... so she said its OK, we'll go somewhere else.. so I told her "ok, bye"

I don't get what she tried to do?. I invited her to come with me to the night club originally, she says no because she is tired... and then she gets pissed at me for going!. I send her a nice message, she doesn't reply... then she comes with 2 guys and a girl? To the same place I'm in? And wants to see me?

Anyway, I'm going to act like its cool... tmrw I'm going to tell her, "ur friends seemed nice, we should all do smthg, etc..how was ur night"... play it cool

She wants to not only be with me because of her ex, but I'm supposed to not go out and try to hook up? No way... she can't have her cake and eat it too!

What you guys think?

Regards

Exactly... she still has feelings for her ex, but gets jealous when I tell her I'm going clubbing...

Tmrw I'll just play it cool, not pick a fight or bring up the subject

She has to learn that as long as she is not FULLY with me, I'm technically still single

By the way, she isn't kissing/sleeping with someone else... her ex of 10 yrs is back in ukraine, so long distance... so she makes out with me and has feelings for me, but also still has ffelings for her ex... interesting huh? :)

Hahah... I haven't heard from you in a while, ash; and always thought you gave fair advice, and THIS is all you have to say :)

I agree, mom of 2

Its part of 'if I can't have him, no one can"!

i am starting to tire of the game...i realized it when i felt that she went there to "prevent" me from hooking up/got pissed that I went out

She has to realize that either be with me/go forward, or else I'm still technically single.. and we all know how I like my hot tamales ;)

I still want to be with my ex and hope we move forward, but until then, going to play it cool and try to live my life

Mom of 2

Oct 16, 2008, 05:50 PM

I think that you are starting to see the picture. Seems like she does want to have her cake and eat it too. Until she makes her decision of what she wants to do, she should have no hold on you and you should not have any hold on her (no, I know that you have not). However, it is always confusing for someone to be making out with you one minute and then being out with someone else the next. I never quite understood that. Call me old fashioned, but I find it hard to believe that a person would be able to handle making out/having sex or whatever is going on with more than one person. Then again, that is just me.

I don't know what is going on in her mind, as I am not her. However, it does appear that she is jealous. It is human nature to want something that you can't have. It is good to know that you were able to have some kind of conversation with her.

Ash123

Oct 16, 2008, 06:34 PM

:-)

slapshot_oi

Oct 16, 2008, 06:49 PM

Ha, everything you write is precisely what I'm going through. I haven't talked to my "girlfriend" since Sunday, and it's mostly because of her sh*tbag boyfriend she had for seven years. He may be putting thoughts in her head, they may be talking/seeing each other as I write this, she may still have feelings for him (probably the case), God knows what. Either way, I hope he packs up all his sh*t and moves away.

In the meantime, I think I'll take your path and play it cool.

liz28

Oct 16, 2008, 07:17 PM

You and her are both playing games with one another. Eventually someone will get sick of playing and realize tricks are for kids.

Mom of 2

Oct 16, 2008, 10:25 PM

Yeah, they are still playing games, but it looks like he is starting to tire of it. I never thought that his keeping the status quo would be able to go on forever.

Tabberat, I think that you are starting to see what we have been saying for so long. Sometimes you have to do something that will force the other person to react. However, stop with trying to make her jealous (this is where you are playing games). From what you have written in your most recent posts, deep down inside, I don't think that you really like what is going on. Don't tell her what you will be doing (going clubbing, etc). You don't owe her that. That will only make her act in jealous ways and you definitely don't want that. Instead, take baby steps and start focusing on something else other than her - because you being in contact with her is not progressing the situation, is it? Instead, it is keeping you stagnant and it is telling her that what is going on at the present moment is okay and there is no need to change - ever. Just because someone is jealous does not mean that they are in love with you. It is human nature to want what you can't have; no one wants to be rejected. She is catching a glimpse of the fact that maybe you will be able to be with someone else and that is what she does not like. She may not be able to be with you totally, but she also does not want anyone else to be with you totally. That is unfair to you. If she is not willing to give you want you want and deserve then you are within your rights to find it elsewhere. She does not want that to happen. That is very selfish of her to do that. That is not true love.

tabbarat

Oct 17, 2008, 04:11 AM

Yeah play it cool... be in the pic, but cool... girls like what they can't have fully

jedidah

Oct 17, 2008, 04:30 AM

Run boy Run Run... we never win fights with ghosts specially those who have been around for that long..
If she wants u then let her want u right now she wants u around when she need to feel like she didn't do somthin wrong not getting married trying to prove to herself that 'there's somthin out there!

Romefalls19

Oct 17, 2008, 05:44 AM

slapshot_oi

Oct 17, 2008, 06:20 AM

I've never understood why we try to fight someone from leaving. If they want to leave, why do we think we could convince them to stay?

One thing I've learned through my relationships is you get a hell of a lot farther walking on your 2 feet than crawling on your knees

You answered your own question; experience teaches us how to deal with break-ups more maturely.

I'd consider someone lucky if they had a bad relationship experience while they were young. There's a lot to be learned from something like that.

tabbarat

Oct 17, 2008, 06:40 PM

Latest update: for the past few days, I pick her up from work... today I send her a message saying I'm picking her up at 7pm... I go to pick her up, she is not there.. I call and she tells me that she was sleeping and just saw the message! I told her that I didn't believe her, and she should have called/messaged instead of making me go all the way there like a driver, etc.. we fought a bit... and hung up

Then later I sent her a message saying "u know what, it doesnt matter...i dont care...i was only trying to be nice by picking u up...take care"

She calls back and then the truth comes out: she tells me that she is pissed at me because she didn't really feel that I wanted her to come with me to the night club last night (which is a bit true).. she said that I didn't invite her, and that when she didn't get inside the club I said "ok, bye" as if I didn't care...

I told her its not true, etc. I wanted her to come, but to put herself in my place... I come out of the club and I see her with 2 guys... she said they are no one, my dad's friends from ukraine... I told her anyway, I don't care, her boyfriend is the one that should care, not me ;).. we hang up

Then I message her later, telling her I'm going to another club tonight and if she wants to come (inviting her)... she said no thanks, I don't like that place... I told her "no problem, it would have been nice, but do what makes u comfortable"

Where is this coming from?

I think I'm going to tell her tmrw: "fcuking move forward with me, or accept that im single and want to party alone sometimes"

talaniman

Oct 17, 2008, 07:06 PM

Hmm, Reminds me of the cave man days, when you hit them over the head with club, and drag them to your cave.

If you have to make them be with you, its not worth it.

Last chance, disappear from her life, and end this drama.

brandibaby23

Oct 17, 2008, 07:21 PM

Yea she is starting to sound like a selfish, crazy, nut ball!! Wow Yea you need to tell her Exactly what you said probably with out the F uck part. She is being possessive whack job, as will only make you look the same if you continue with this! STAND UP MAN!! TELL her suck it or leave you alone!! LOL

tabbarat

Oct 18, 2008, 03:21 AM

Yeah.. I guess today I'm going to have a talk with her, and tell her to either move forward with me or understand I'm still technically single... I don't want to fight with her every time I go out!

But I do kind of appreciate where her feelings are coming from... im wondering if she gets this angry if her ex of 10 yrs back home tells her he is going out to a club?

And about the caveman comment: all men have a bit of a caveman in them... but how am I MAKING her come to me? I told her "u know how i feel about u, i can make u very happy...if u want to be with me, i'll treat u like a queen...but if not, its cool too, i can respect that...we can just be friends/take it slow"... she AGREED, and she still admits her feelings, and she is the one that is getting all possessive and jealous when I went out, not me

In fact when I saw her with those 2 guys and a girl, I was nice to them and showed I didn't care

Anyway, we'll see what happens today

Take care

asking

Oct 18, 2008, 08:44 AM

look what happened today..the past 10 days, me and my ex have been seeing each other and talking everyday and everything good and we kiss and flirt, etc...

so today i was going to a night club..
she wants to not only be with me bc of her ex, but im supposed to not go out and try to hook up?! no way...she can't have her cake and eat it too!!

what u guys think?

regards

I think if you are seeing someone and talking to them every day and making out, then neither person should go out clubbing to try to hook up with someone else. You are dating intimately even if you aren't having sex. Her talking about her ex is a topic for discussing in the relationship, not an excuse to keep looking.

That's what I think, my values. Obviously, not everyone agrees. Everybody has their line in the sand. Some people say that as long as the two are not married, they can hook up with anyone they want. Other people even say that if a married man is approached -- rather than him doing the chasing--that that's okay. I don't agree... To me, you two clearly have a relationship, even if an odd one, and I think people should only have one relationship at a time.

You feel you can make out with her and pursue her aggressively but still chase "tamales" to satisfy your sexual urges. To me it almost feels like you don't want to win her over, but just enjoy the chase, especially if it gives you an excuse not to have a real relationship with other women. If you and she got back together you'd have to give up your single lifestyle and I don't think you really want that. But you don't want to be completely single either, because that sounds lonely and vulnerable and forces you to confront the question of whether you are really looking for anyone seriously. I suspect you of sending both your girlfriend and these other women mixed signals that you aren't sharing here honestly. I think you should stay home for two weeks and not see anyone, not go clubbing, stop sleeping around, and think about what you actually want.

tabbarat

Oct 18, 2008, 10:47 AM

Wow

tabbarat

Oct 18, 2008, 10:55 AM

asking: u sort of have it "on the money" as they say

The truth is: I really do care about my ex and I hope we have a normal relationship; meaning she comepletely forgets about her ex of 10yrs and tells me "i only love u now, lets take it forward".. that would make me very happy

BUT since SHE is the one that is preventing that and still loves her ex as well, what am I supposed to do? Let her have her cake and eat it too? I like single life almost as much as I like being with her

Its true we are dating intimately and we have history, but SHE is the one that got it here, not me

I really hope she decides to only be with me... but as long as she wants to take things slow, what other choice do I have?

If I don't chase tamales/go out clubbing, then she is having her cake and eating it too... but if I do go out and party ONCE IN A WHILE, I might 1) meet someone else who will appreciate me or 2) shake things up/make my ex jealous enough for her to realize that I won't be single for long

That is my opinion... but I do appreciate your advice and some of it was on the nail

asking

Oct 19, 2008, 11:26 AM

You are welcome, Tabbarat! I have been reading your adventures with interest. It's hard not to have a strong opinion at the moment, as I just broke up with my own boyfriend and am feeling pretty passionate about everything...

So I don't think it's your job to prevent her from having her cake and eating it too. At the beginning, you said you really just wanted to win her back and that was all you cared about. I respected that because it put you in a brave and vulnerable position. I thought it was heroic.

But your clubbing undermines your moral high ground completely and probably leaves her feeling that you aren't committed. (She may even wonder if she starts back up with you, if you'll continue the clubbing and hooking up behind her back.) The whole point is to establish trust and commitment on both sides. She's waiting for you to show it;you are waiting for her to show it.

You are at an impasse. So I think you, Tabbarat, should either return to your previous position of wanting to do anything to win her back, or else move on. If the former, you should give up the clubbing and dating and hooking up, give her a deadline of, say, 3 months and see her only. Have you considered proposing? Maybe that's what she wants to hear? Otherwise, as I say, move on. But give yourself some time to figure out which is the thing you really want.

I think this is becoming a toxic situation, not good for either of you. Even if one of you capitulates and you eventually end up together, these attempts to create jealousy on both sides will probably haunt your relationship.

Good luck. I still admire your fortitude.

tabbarat

Oct 19, 2008, 03:57 PM

I like what I'm reading!

I know what I really want.. it is to be with her... to be honest I'm happier when I'm watching a movie with her or having dinner with her, than when I'm out with the boys trying to hook up in a club

But I'm afraid that if I keep the status quo ("im fine being with u while u also still have feelings for ur ex of 10 yrs"), she will be having her cake and eating it too... I need to shake things up a bit... make her feel once in a while that I'm gong out, have my own life, and maybe will meet someone else... everyone wants what they can't have

U are right, the clubbing and tamales undermine my moral ground... but I don't want to risk being in the friend zone, and that is why the 3 month trial period is shaky...

And like I said, if I go out then I will either meet someone else who will end this "toxic situation" or get her jealous enough to think "what am i doing? giving up someone great for a long distance ex"

However, I do still show her that I genuinely care about her and want to be with her... I see her almost everyday.. so we do have the intimate moments and convos, etc. and have fun, and tell each other the typical sweet things, with the hand holding, etc...

The going out and trying to hook up is maybe once a week if not less.. just to release some steam and hang out with the boys as well

Appreciated advice again, and sorry to hear about your relationship.. wanna talk about it? :)

tabbarat

Oct 24, 2008, 05:29 PM

Hmmm... after our last encounter, we settled things and we had a talk.. I told her that I love being with her and how things are going, but that technically I still am single, and sometimes want to go out alone or with the boys.. she agreed

We went on to have 5 great days.. again with the talking and kissing and having fun, being a couple, etc.

But THIS time, I was the one that sort of caused a problem... I have an issue at work going on and I felt like talking to her about it... so I felt like seeing her... when I was with her, she gets a call from some guy (a friend/client of hers) that invites her to dinner with his friends.. when she considered going, I got bothered... I told her it was cool, but she could tell I was bothered... and then she "flipped the script" as they say (turned the tables), and said that "u know, we technically are still single, so u shouldnt be bothered/asking me who im going out with"... that pissed me off... so I left

But 30 minutes later I sent her a text saying, "ur right..we are not bf and gf to question each other...u know im not the possessive type, its just bc i felt like talking to u about work...anyway, it doesnt matter...enjoy and take care"

I didn't find out if she went out or not... didnt call her and she didn't call either.. but I did go out with my friends to a club... had a good time, but no hot tamales :)

Mom of 2

Oct 24, 2008, 05:42 PM

Do you REALLY like what is going on? Deep down inside I don't think that you do. You are so invested on getting the goal of "winning her" that you are losing sight to what is really going on. It's almost like you are so focused on keeping your eye on the prize that you are oblivious to the drama and you are telling yourself that it is okay. There is a lot more drama going on than there needs to be. Based on what you have mentioned in your posts, I don't think that this girl is worth your time. Go out and have fun and stop texting her, stop calling her, STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!! This has been going on far too long and it is getting you no where. She may be confused, but how much longer are you willing to allow this to continue? At least you have an answer, that you are not gf/bf. How can you love someone and how can someone love you when you are not gf/bf?

tabbarat

Oct 24, 2008, 05:53 PM

I agree with you that there is more drama going on than there needs to be...

When I said I like what is going on, I meant about when things are good between us... of course not the two times we argued...

Of course I like being with her like a couple again, and she does to (to her own admission)... we even started going to the gym together (her idea)... so I'm not the only one calling and texting and making plans; it is very equal...

And in fact, she told me smthg the other day: "that she is trying to get over her bf!"... she is still not, but she WANTS to... starting to realize that her life is here, he is back in ukraine, and she hasn't seen him in almost 10 mnths... that is obviously good news, and maybe she is starting to see the light!

Of course I hate it when we get into this "grey area" and argue/get bothered when one of us wants to go out with other people, but I did get myself into this mess, and willing to deal with it... I should not let it bother me, and most of the times it doesn't... but the fact that she told me that she is trying to get over her boyfriend is a start...

tabbarat

Oct 24, 2008, 05:57 PM

And about her not being worth my time... she is! Because I go out with my friends, I meet girls, I party, I drink, hot tamales, enjoy, etc... but when I go back home and get ready to sleep, SHE is the one I think about...

And its not because she is a "prize", its because I genuinely do love her and care about her... we have a great time together, and love talking to each other, and seeing each other, etc... again I say that I prefer going to a movie with her than hooking up with a hot tamale

tabbarat

Oct 26, 2008, 07:06 AM

Hmmm... I missed writing smthg the other time... when I got bothered that she was considering going for dinner with those guys, she also said the same line I threw at her last weekend, which was "sometimes i just want to go out and be alone"...

The only difference is I didn't handle it as well as she did last weekend... what I said was: "u want to be alone, then fine, be alone" and drove off...

Although I did message her later saying: "ur right..we are not bf and gf to question each other...i apologize..u know im not the possessive type, its just bc i felt like talking to u about work...anyway, it doesnt matter...enjoy and take care"...

I failed to write the last part: "anyway, i will do what u want, and leave u alone"

We haven't spoken in 2 days... hmmm... did I overreact? I don't think she meant it in a bad way... just setting limits like I did last weekend... but I think my overreaction blew it out of proportion... I think I lost my cool...

My message later apologizing and explaining why it happened, may have cooled things down a bit... but I think she is waiting for me to call and patch things up and apologize on the phone

Anyway, I'll give it one or 2 more days then call/see her...

What do you guys think? I overreacted? Is she waiting for me to call? Isn't she supposed to call?

PLEASE NO MORE COMMENTS LIKE: Hasn't THIS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH, WE TOLD U SO, U SHOULD HAVE DONE NO CONTACT, ETC.

ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW... WE ARE AT A NEW STAGE NOW...

PLEASE JUST ADVICE ON THE SITUATION AS OF NOW

Thank u!

wikedjuggalo

Oct 26, 2008, 07:09 AM

I think you got a dose of your own medicine and did not like it one bit.

tabbarat

Oct 26, 2008, 07:13 AM

Your right man... last weekend when I wanted to be with the boys and didn't invite her, she got pissed.. and when I told her sometimes I want to be alone, she didn't drive off and get pissed..

I shouldn't have told her 'fine, then be alone'... I should have stayed cool... my message apologizing and explaining may have helped, but I think she is waiting for me to make a move

Thanks

Mom of 2

Oct 26, 2008, 12:02 PM

You are asking for only comments that go along with what you want to hear and what you have been rationalizing for so long. All that I am going to say is if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Playing games only prolongs what is not meant to be. True love NEVER plays games, yet the both of you continue to play games.

Mom of 2

Oct 26, 2008, 12:10 PM

i shouldnt have told her 'fine, then be alone'...i should have stayed cool...my message apologizing and explaining may have helped, but i think she is waiting for me to make a move

thanks

First, you can never undo what has already been done so stop agonizing over it. The only thing that can happen is that you learn from your mistakes. Second, you may not have said it in the "perfect" way, but something had to be said. Going along as though everything is peachy keen is not the right thing either. I think that you have been keeping these frustrated feelings under wraps for far too long and that is why you lost your cool.

tabbarat

Oct 26, 2008, 02:39 PM

Your right, mom of 2.. can't deny the fact

tabbarat

Oct 26, 2008, 02:51 PM

If I could, I would have given you more reputation, mom of 2! :)

Those bottled feelings must have burst... ur right.. I have it harder than she does... she has her boyfriend of 10 yrs AND me... while I have her AND hot tamales every now and then... so I have more to lose I think... interesting...

Anyway, I bumped into her today in the mall... she told me the reason she was pissed at me was because I was acting like her boyfriend back in ukraine!. being all possessive and stuff... and she hates that... she wants to be able to be alone sometimes JUST like I want to as well, and go out with the boys

Anyway, I apologized again for the overreaction, explained why, and told her that I hate fighting with her (she agreed), and that we should just be honest with each other from now on... it was stupid for us not to talk for 2 days and waste the weekend before I travel (going on a business trip next weekend), because before anything we are best friends! (truth)

So, the weekends fight was solved... we agreed to be honest with each other, and sometimes let each other be single and not act possessive

Anyway, it turned out she did go meet those guys and they had drinks (ok, I believe her)... but then I told her I went out clubbing both nights and got wasted and barely remember what happened ;)... it pissed her off a bit... its the truth! And I told her its because I was angry, and that despite everywhere I went and whoever I met, at the end of the night, before I went to sleep, she was the one I thought about and missed for 2 days! (the truth, and she liked it)

So back to square 1 folks... and that concludes today's lesson :)

tabbarat

Oct 26, 2008, 03:07 PM

By the way, when we decided lets be honest with each other, it doesn't only mean we be truthful about what happens when we have our "single" days, but also that if she ever meets/like someone else to tell me... I can handle her boyfriend because he is in ukraine, but not some new prick here in dubai.. it would be bye bye for me

She said that I do the same if I meet someone/fall for one of my tamales... she would hope we stay friends but doubts it because she likes me too much

How is that for honesty!! Lol

talaniman

Oct 27, 2008, 04:37 AM

You mean your going along being her unofficial boyfriend??

Hey dude, that's as backward as it gets. So what you have is an agreement to be there for her without a commitment, until one of you wakes up, and finds someone else.

Talk about honesty, does she know about the hot tamale?? Oh that's right, you didn't fall for her, you just nailed her. That doesn't count, since you agreed to be honest??

You really have to stretch to see a healthy friendship at this point.

Chery

Oct 27, 2008, 05:10 AM

You mean your going along being her unofficial boyfriend???

Hey dude, thats as backward as it gets. So what you have is an agreement to be there for her without a commitment, until one of you wakes up, and finds someone else.

Talk about honesty, does she know about the hot tamale??? Oh thats right, you didn't fall for her, you just nailed her. That doesn't count, since you agreed to be honest?????

You really have to stretch to see a healthy friendship at this point.

Got told to 'spread it' Tal dear..

This is a clear case of different strokes for different folks! And I thought I heard it all,, fooled me!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_1_218.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

talaniman

Oct 27, 2008, 05:28 AM

I know Chery, as I read things here we have a guy that is either afraid to lose this lady, therefore willing to go along with whatever she says, or is caught up, and still reeling from her dumping him.

Its false hope that keeps him around, and prevents him from seeing his best course of action is to disappear and let her make up her own mind, WITHOUT HIS INFLUENCE. That would be honest, and less painful than running head first into a brick wall, and wondering why he has a headache.

Sorry Tab, that's no way to a females heart. While we're on the honest thing, You started your post at the end of August, and can you say your closer than you were then?

If you really want and honest examination of your feelings, and hers, do so without her playing kissy face, and phone tag, and remove yourself from the games. Get healthy, and enjoy your hot tamales.

tabbarat

Oct 27, 2008, 04:28 PM

Its not very complicated... yes, as long as she has feelings for the ex, I will remain the "unofficial bf"... meaning we are a couple, but technically single... I don't mind it, and she doesn't either, because before anything, we have become very good friends

IF/WHEN she gets over the ex (she sometimes tells me that she realizes her life is in dubai not ukraine, and wants to move on... and sometimes she doesn't reply his text messages), then we will fully be together...

However, there is a CHANCE that from now till she gets over her ex, I might fall for a hot tamale OR she meets someone else... then we should be honest with each other because it is no longer an issue of me vs. the ex.. it is smthg different now... it is unlikely it will happen, but a chance (since we both agreed that sometimes we want to go out alone and see friends)

I know you guys are right in a way.. never denied it... but I'm enjoying the ride... I love being with her and we enjoy each others company... why can't we just leave it at that and enjoy it for now.. lets just say we are very good friends that really like each other

If I didn't really like her it would have been easier... and if she didn't really like me, she would have cut it a long time ago.. think of it as an affair if you will... enjoy it while it lasts... no harm, no foul

Your right though.. didnt tell her I boned the tamale... but I did tell her about her.. and I told her where and with who and what happened when I went out without her... she did the same

There is no reason for me to tell her I fcuked someone else... it will do no good.. we weren't talking everyday and being a couple like now... it was still in the "grey" days ;)...

But it does make me wonder if she would go screw someone else and not tell me... hmmmm... trying not to think about it and enjoy life for now :)

Regards

talaniman

Oct 27, 2008, 05:20 PM

Tab, your right, if your both happy with circumstances, why not take the ride, and see what happens. Your both single, all options are open.

EN Ken

Oct 27, 2008, 06:19 PM

tabbarat, I've been reading through some of these posts since you asked for my input. As far as I can, you're not looking for advice.

You're more or less chronicling your open relationship with this girl. Having done open relationships in the past, I can say that while they are not what most people view as the norm for relationships, if the people involved in the relationships are okay with the setup, then there's really nothing more to be discussed.

It's important to set out the ground rules and to discuss them explicitly so you each know what to expect from the other. While having protected sex with another girl is not her business, if you're having unprotected sex with another girl, I would tell her because it puts her at risk for transmission.

Other than that, I think you're doing just fine.

tabbarat

Oct 27, 2008, 10:40 PM

Thank you... I always appreciated the given advice, and never denied that on some levels it is the right advice!

But you said it right.. what I called an "affair", you called an "open relationship"... thats what it is exactly.. and we BOTH are OK with the setup... and both enjoy being with each other again

She is not fully ready to let go of her past, and I'm not fully ready to let go of her and just stick to the tamales

I loved what I had/have with her, so I'm going to stick it out for now

Like I said, lets just say we are very good friends that really ike each other

It was protected sex by the way... no glove, no love... dont be silly, put a condom on your willy, etc.. I know the drill :)

Take care, boys

friend4u178

Oct 27, 2008, 10:49 PM

I have to say this thread is actually quite interesting , looking forward to see how this all turns out.

Good Luck Tab :)

talaniman

Oct 28, 2008, 06:13 AM

I know you have an agreement, of full disclosure, but as I read your post, there is no sex between you, just dating, and making out?

tabbarat

Oct 28, 2008, 03:16 PM

To be frank... ive know the girl since end of May... we date, we act like a couple, we make out, and lets say we get to 3rd base...

We tried to have sex a couple of times but she was hesitant because of her ex boyfriend back home... she said that he was the only one she had ever been with (he was her boyfriend since she was 15!).. so she needed time/take things slow... I didn't mind at first

Then we broke up for about a month and a half... now, we are back to making out, 3rd base, etc... but once in a while, the discussion of us having sex comes up

I have to note that there is a setback... I live with my brother, who is also her manager! So she prefers not to come to my house at night when he is there, and rather wait till he is not home or travelling... she is shy about coming over to my house and making out/having sex when her manager is at home! Hehehe

Anyway, I'm not in a rush to have sex with her... I really want to, and I'm starting to get sick of the "lets take it slow" bit, but FOR NOW, still not pressuring her and respecting her ex situation, and enjoying rounding the bases but not hitting a home run ;)

Maybe you guys now see why I like to go out with the boys alone sometime and pick up hot tamales! ;)

Anyway, we talked the heck out of why I decided to get back with her... now I would appreciate your inputs on the sex (or no sex) situation

talaniman

Oct 28, 2008, 04:49 PM

Just personally, a female getting over an ex, is out of bounds to me, friends only, and no making out. To easy to be a friend zone rebound, as she gets over another, and chances are she will finally get the nerve to explore.

Another thing, unless it's a committed exclusive relationship, no way do we have rules like couples do, just no way.

What a single guy does is his business, and no one else's, and I am no ones unofficial boyfriend, nor will I act like it. AIN'T THAT MUCH LOVE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!! (Talaniman rule #7)

I never play kissy face with a friend, or make any such promises as to make her think she has anything to say about what I do. Trust me, its not worth the drama at all, and makes for more complications than its worth. (third base my..! )

That's also a good way to keep things in the perspective of reality, so you don't fall for any BS, females put you through.

What disturbed me about your whole post was her total control of this FRIENDS situation, without benefits, with an ex no less! No female can dump you and keep you around to screw her nut when she needs it, but I do see you being tired of the game.

That's when you'll stand for yourself, and let her make up her mind to sh1t, or get off the pot. As it is, she squats when she wants, and does what ever she wants, and I see no equality, or freedom, or more important, sharing, caring, or working together.

As long as you go along she may come up with anything to keep you close just in case.

Even open relationships are intimate, this is not. If you need a tamale to tide you over, she ain't doing her fair share, so I would never waste my time, until she figures it out. No Way.

Dating is cool, but after that she is on her own. Just me though, since you asked nicely.

Matteus

Oct 29, 2008, 02:46 AM

to be frank...ive know the girl since end of May...we date, we act liek a couple, we make out, and lets say we get to 3rd base...

we tried to have sex a couple of times but she was hesitant bc of her ex bf back home...she said that he was the only one she had ever been with (he was her bf since she was 15!)..so she needed time/take things slow...i didnt mind at first

then we broke up for about a month and a half...now, we are back to making out, 3rd base, etc...but once in a while, the discussion of us having sex comes up

i have to note that there is a setback...i live with my brother, who is also her manager! so she prefers not to come to my house at night when he is there, and rather wait till he is not home or travelling...she is shy about coming over to my house and making out/having sex when her manager is at home! hehehe

anyway, im not in a rush to have sex with her...i really want to, and im starting to get sick of the "lets take it slow" bit, but FOR NOW, still not pressuring her and respecting her ex situation, and enjoying rounding the bases but not hitting a home run ;)

maybe u guys now see why i like to go out with the boys alone sometime and pick up hot tamales! ;)

anyway, we talked the heck out of why i decided to get back with her...now i would appreciate ur inputs on the sex (or no sex) situation

1. After 400 posts, you tell us, you never had sex? Yeah, your 3rd base of my a5s.

2. and what is ridiculous, I guess you already forgot why you came here in this forum, and what were your first questions to us. I suggest you reread your first post, my man, because Now you are not looking and not expecting for the same things as you did first.

3. She is not shy! She is just conservator about your whole "story" (although sometimes I think she doesn't even name it a "story"), and she doesn't want anyone to know about it. That will make her feel free and act as single if is needed.

4. Learn from your mistakes and be a real man!

Mom of 2

Oct 29, 2008, 07:11 AM

In regard to the sex thing (only getting to 3rd), if this is really the only thing occurring, maybe that is why you are sticking it out because the sexual act with this girl is something of a conquest - a goal. If the fact that you have not had sex with her yet is true, what is going to happen once you do have sex with her? It is apparent that you have a sexual need because that is why you are hooking up with other girls, otherwise I would say that your somewhat gentleman actions for not demanding sex with this girl are admirable. However, you are hooking with other girls with no intention of continuing a close relationship with those other girls. I don't find that admirable. Then again, you are an adult who can choose to do what you want. However, do you REALLY know how those other girls are feeling when you have these hook up sessions? Yeah, they may say that this is all that they want, but let me tell you, they are probably not telling you the truth. Maybe they don't realize the psychological damage that they are doing to themselves when getting themselves in unfulfilling relationships That is their bad, but you also need to be in control of your actions because these hook ups cannot be that beneficial or fulfilling for you either. Otherwise, you would continue having some kind of relationships with these other girls.

Okay, I will get off my moral soap box.

asking

Oct 29, 2008, 10:31 AM

I agree with Mom of 2 about the moral cost of the women you only sleep with and talk about as objects whose sole purpose is to satisfy your sexual need. (And it's a moral cost to both the women and you.)

I just read a letter from a woman who worked as a prostitute to put herself through college. At the time, she was fine with it, but 10 years later, she realizes that she was filled with unexpressed self loathing, which she now feels and cannot shake. It's easy to try to justify casual sex but in the end, it's empty. At least this person got a college education out of it. What are you getting?

EN Ken

Nov 1, 2008, 03:58 PM

If you haven't had sex with her, then you don't have a relationship with her. For me, by definition, a relationship starts at sex.

This definition will likely upset some people but after being in a sexless relationship for 3 years and then being in relationships with sex, I've learned that not having sex with the person you consider your partner damages whatever connection the two of you have with each other.

Tabbarat, you do not have a relationship with this girl and you treating her like your girlfriend isn't going to make her want to have sex with you. In my opinion, you are being used for your attention. In your situation, I would maybe date her but I wouldn't treat her like a girlfriend because for me to treat her like my girlfriend, she would have to act like my girlfriend and all my girlfriends have sex with me.

Yeah, they may say that this is all that they want, but let me tell you, they are probably not telling you the truth. Maybe they don't realize the psychological damage that they are doing to themselves when getting themselves in unfulfilling relationships That is their bad, but you also need to be in control of your actions because these hook ups cannot be that beneficial or fulfilling for you either. Otherwise, you would continue having some kind of relationships with these other girls.

I must say that I completely disagree.

If a girl is out looking for sex, then that is what she's looking for. Are girls who are only out looking to have sex and not be in a real relationship hurting themselves in some way? Maybe, but not necessarily.

Also, men and women view sex entirely differently. For most men that I've met, they go through a phase where they simply do not want a long-term relationship. I personally have never gone through that phase but many of the men I have counseled have. It's a natural male impulse to want to have a lot of sex with a lot of women and while most guys eventually come to the realization that it's unfulfilling, some guys choose to live their lives that way. I personally make no judgment on which is "right" or "better" because I respect the fact that they have made a choice to live their lives in the way that they think best. If the feel that they're being true to themselves, then I have no problem with whatever choice they make.

I just read a letter from a woman who worked as a prostitute to put herself through college. At the time, she was fine with it, but 10 years later, she realizes that she was filled with unexpressed self loathing, which she now feels and cannot shake. It's easy to try to justify casual sex but in the end, it's empty. At least this person got a college education out of it. What are you getting?

I personally do not agree with your conclusions in this post. You have come to the conclusion that the feelings of self-loathing that she now feels is a result of her days spent working in the sex trade. However, my own experience suggests that women who are receptive to such an idea already have issues of their own or else they would not enter into such work to begin with. While it is possible that this woman entered into such work because she absolutely had no other choice and was really desperate and suffered psychological damage as a result of her work as a prostitute, the alternative of her already having psychological damage due to upbringing and other experiences before entering into the sex trade is much more probable.

asking

Nov 1, 2008, 04:08 PM

En Ken,
You are entitled to your opinion. Although I think you have a very narrow view of sex--as if it's a payment that women make to men for being a good boyfriend (lol). But it's bad form here to give someone a reddie (disagree) just for stating their opinion. Reserve disagrees for when someone gives factually incorrect information and use the "disagree" sparingly to really get someone's attention.
My opinion is by defnition correct; it's what I believe. If I said that lung cancer could be cured with raisins, you'd have reason to give me a reddie.

EN Ken

Nov 1, 2008, 09:33 PM

Asking,

Although I think you have a very narrow view of sex--as if it's a payment that women make to men for being a good boyfriend (lol).

I'm not sure which part of my post implied this, but in some sense, that's correct. A woman has sex with a man because she finds him attractive and desirable to some degree. If he's a good boyfriend then she'll likely have sex with him because she finds him to be an good boyfriend for her. It's not a payment, but an expression of her attraction for him. For it to be a payment, she'd have to be getting something in return for the sex and if the guy is just pretending to be the type of man that is a good boyfriend, then he's fraud and not really that good a boyfriend.

Also, to be fair, I would not describe my view of sex as any more narrow than believing that sex should always be emotionally meaningful.

For the record, I do believe that sex can be an incredibly beautiful and meaningful act but sometimes it's just two people having a fun night together.

But it's bad form here to give someone a reddie (disagree) just for stating their opinion. Reserve disagrees for when someone gives factually incorrect information and use the "disagree" sparingly to really get someone's attention.
My opinion is by defnition correct; it's what I believe. If I said that lung cancer could be cured with raisins, you'd have reason to give me a reddie.

I see. I did not realize that that was the norm around here. It seemed only appropriate that if people are hitting the "Agree" button for opinions that it'd be fine to hit "Disagree" for opinions as well so I'm sorry.

I'm curious, does it make a difference if I speak from experience than if I speak from opinion? Because I know several people who are involved in the sex trade and both my mentor and a friend of mine are extremely close with some people in the sex trade so from experience and (albeit) 3rd hand information, I know your opinion is somewhat unlikely to occur.

Again, I did not realize that hitting disagree was a bit of a No-no here. Sorry.

asking

Nov 1, 2008, 11:44 PM

EK, Apology accepted.

I do continue to disagree with the substance of your remarks--almost entirely!

Opinions are still opinions even if they derive from anecdotal experience--as most opinions do. My opinion is that casual sex with strangers is not good for the soul. I don't think I need to explain or justify that opinion. It's a rather common one. It doesn't mean that I think every sex act is fraught with emotional content as you implied I was saying.

My comment about the prostitute was simply a digression that happened to occur to me. Whether you consider it likely or not is reasonably immaterial to my opinion (stated above). We know it happened at least once.

As for the letter writer herself, she stated that her feelings resulted from her work. You incorrectly said that was my conclusion, implying that it was only my interpretation of something she said. But I was reporting her own statement. I have no reason to think that she was wrong about her own experience, or that you know more about what she experienced than she did herself.

I have no friends in the prostitution industry and would not venture any opinion about what is usual there or how most women feel while doing it, or later on, or whether they all have emotional or personality problems before they enter the trade as you seem to suggest or develop them as a consequence of the work or even if prostitutes as a group have any particular "issues." I respectfully acknowledge your greater experience in buying sex, if that is what you are alluding to in citing your experience.

Welcome to AMHD!

EN Ken

Nov 1, 2008, 11:53 PM

I respectfully acknowledge your greater experience in buying sex, if that is what you are alluding to in citing your experience.

That is not what I was alluding to. I have never paid for sex in my life and if you were saying this to me in person I would find it extremely insulting. However, because this is an online board, I'm going to simply choose to let the matter slide. This time.

Welcome to AMHD!

Thank you.

And now back to the thread at hand.

talaniman

Nov 2, 2008, 06:36 AM

I think they are playing games with each other for their own reasons, but sex is not part of the equations, but for his part, making out is the promise of more, and I really feel she uses that as a lure to keep him close, just in case, but is also not into him in a healthy way.

asking

Nov 2, 2008, 08:16 AM

That is not what I was alluding to. I have never paid for sex in my life and if you were saying this to me in person I would find it extremely insulting. However, because this is an online board, I'm going to simply choose to let the matter slide. This time.

Sorry to offend you. You strongly advocated casual sex and cited superior experience and knowledge of prostitutes, so I assumed that was what you meant by experience.

If you are offended, and again I apologize, then I guess you disapprove of prostitution? Let me know if that's also incorrect.

As for letting things slide, if you confront me by telling me my values are wrong and/or stereotype all women with offensive generalizations, I'm likely to challenge your arguments. :) Don't take it personally.

tabbarat

Nov 2, 2008, 09:28 AM

OK.. so let me get this straight.. ur saying that I'm ONLY staying with her in hopes of having sex with her, AND that she is keeping sex from me to keep me close?

That is too deep and intense...

I agree with you that I want to have sex with this girl, but not to claim a prize, but because I prefer having sex with a girl I care about than a tamale I meet at a club...

I am fulfilling my sexual needs by the tamales, and I do want to have sex with my ex, but it is NOT the reason I'm staying...

She can even tell me "i'll never sleep with u", but I'll STILL stay in the picture UNTIL SHE FULLY GETS BACK WITH HER EX OF 10YRS OR ONE OF US GETS SICK OF THE SITUATION

Like I said, we are good friends who really like each other... I would prefer to sleep with her, but if she is still not ready than I'm not just going to quit because of it... I enjoy her company and so does she... and she knows that by me going out and being technically single that I can meet someone else.. what she wants to do with that information is her choice

For now, I'm enjoying being a couple with my ex AND having guilt free sex sometimes... she can easily end this by letting go of her past (ex of 10yrs)

As for her using sex to keep me in the picture... she knows about my past and how much I love to party and meet women... she knows that if I only wanted to sleep with her, I wold have stopped trying to get her back... she knows its more than just a physical thing for me... so she doesn't need to use sex as a game

tabbarat

Nov 2, 2008, 09:31 AM

She told me by the way... she has only had sex with her boyfriend of 10yrs.. so to her sex now is with someone you really love and are meant to spend your life with... she wpuld never have sex "in the heat of the moment"... and she would feel like if she has sex with me, it means that she has cut her past off completely

What she means is that.. the feelings for me are there.. we get along, we never fight, attraction, etc... the whole package is there EXCEPT sex... her having sex with me would mean she is completely over her ex and moved on... apparently she is not ready for that

Of course I don't like it.. but just telling you what she said

EN Ken

Nov 2, 2008, 11:48 AM

Sorry to offend you. You strongly advocated casual sex and cited superior experience and knowledge of prostitutes, so I assumed that was what you meant by experience.

Yes, I did advocate casual sex, but I never advocated casual sex over any other type of sex. I personally have no problems with two consenting adults engaging in sex as long as the circumstances do not break the law.

When I stated that I had experience, I was referring to the fact that I have known and interacted with people involved in the sex trade such as adult film stars, exotic dancers, escorts, etc. They were simply people that I hung out with and got to know as people.

I guess you disapprove of prostitution? Let me know if that's also incorrect.

A prostitute is a consenting adult who wishes to engage in sex for money. I will not judge a person the moral code of someone else. I WILL judge that person on THEIR moral code. If she tells me that prostitution is a greatest thing and she's making tons of money so it's okay to do, but she actually hates it and is making next to nothing, then I will most definitely criticize her.

I neither approve nor disapprove of it. I've never gone to a prostitute and don't plan on ever doing so. Simply because I think casual sex is okay doesn't mean that I aim to engage in having sex casually. It is true that I have had sex casually but it was not my aim but rather the circumstances of the situation forced us to be apart. I only have sex with women I plan on seeing again and building some sort of relationship with.

OK.. so let me get this straight.. ur saying that I'm ONLY staying with her in hopes of having sex with her, AND that she is keeping sex from me to keep me close?

That is a possibility, but not the only one.

I am saying that the way a woman wants attention is the way a man wants sex. For a woman, having the attention of a man or men is as important to her as sex is for a man. In this situation, she's getting all the attention she wants and not only that, she's getting the very specialized attention of being your girlfriend.

She is getting all of her needs met in the relationship, but you are not.

like I said, we are good friends who really like each other... I would prefer to sleep with her, but if she is still not ready than I'm not just going to quit because of it... I enjoy her company and so does she... and she knows that by me going out and being technically single that I can meet someone else.. what she wants to do with that information is her choice

Good. If you are okay with the situation then so am I. The only thing I'm going to say is that I would not willingly put myself in a situation like that because I know I could not deal with it, but if you're fine with it then enjoy.

as for her using sex to keep me in the picture... she knows about my past and how much I love to party and meet women... she knows that if I only wanted to sleep with her, I wold have stopped trying to get her back... she knows its more than just a physical thing for me... so she doesn't need to use sex as a game

Very good. If she knows that then that's a good thing and makes me more likely to have sex with you in the near future.

If you are serious about being with this girl, then acceptance is a good choice to make. The way you've restated the situation makes it sound like that sex is an aspect of her sexuality that requires certain emotions to be in place before it can happen. It sounds as though this is something that will require time and if you are willing to wait and continue the relationship that you have with her then she may eventually choose to have sex with you.

Personally, I would make it known in some way that you are having sex with other women and that is how you're coping with her not having sex with you. You are having your sexual needs met outside of the relationship and that is one of the reasons that you're willing to put up with the lack of sex inside the relationship. But that's just what I would do because I would personally want all my needs to be met in my primary relationship.

talaniman

Nov 2, 2008, 01:14 PM

Personally, I would make it known in some way that you are having sex with other women and that is how you're coping with her not having sex with you.
That's why he keeps that to himself because he knows it will be all over with.

You are having your sexual needs met outside of the relationship and that is one of the reasons that you're willing to put up with the lack of sex inside the relationship.
I see it the same way.

But that's just what I would do because I would personally want all my needs to be met in my primary relationship.
They are kissy face friends, with rules.

Either way they both are playing a game, (of deceit, deception, and control) instead of doing what healthy relationships do, communicate honestly, and work together.

EN Ken

Nov 2, 2008, 01:50 PM

TEither way they both are playing a game, (of deceit, deception, and control) instead of doing what healthy relationships do, communicate honestly, and work together.

Well healthy in this context is relative.

The dynamic of this particular relationship requires a very different set of behaviours than those of a long-term relationship. The behaviours for this type of relationship are indeed unhealthy... for a long-term relationship. If at some point these two were to get into a more serious and committed relationship, then yes some things would have to change, but for the moment, how they're handling things does work.

I have been in a relationship like this with this particular dynamic and this is simply the only way to keep it going until something changes. I personally view maintaining this type of dynamic too much work so I avoid it.

I would not say this relationship dynamic is unhealthy given the context that they're not yet committed, but if they were to become committed this dynamic would be extremely unhealthy and would have very little long-term potential unless one or both of the people involved were emotionally damaged in some way.

tabbarat

Nov 2, 2008, 04:22 PM

EN KEN, you are my new relationship guru! Hehehe

1) nothing wrong with casual sex given circumstances.. sometimes things happen... but of course I prefer having sex with a girl I want to have a relationship with... it makes the sex better

2) how about you give me some of those "adult film stars" contacts ;)

3) I really like the "for a women attention is like sex for a man"... that is very true... I want to have sex with her, but her priority is keeping me in the picture until she is ready to have sex with me... interesting... at least I realize it :)

but the question here is: do i take away attention, just like she is taking away sex?

I do sometimes play hard to get, tell her I'm out with friends, go to night clubs without her, make her jealous, tell her I'm busy, cut conversations short... u know, the usual... we do see each other quite a lot, talk almost everyday and act like a couple when we are together, but I always have it in the back of my head that I can't let her have her cake and eat it too

As for telling her I'm having sex... I wouldn't do that... talaniman is right... dont want to risk losing her... what I do is: I) sometimes I have the real sexual flirting, try to get her hot, sometimes I say "u know, its ok if u dont want to have sex...ur probably afraid of how good its going to be...or its ok...take time to practice, etc..".. the occasional phone sex, etc... ii) I tell her that in clubs I get hit on, meet girls etc, tell her about some of the tamales, but never go into details

What are your suggestions?

4) I'm fine with the situation.. I don't like it... but I'm OK with it... I would have course prefer to be just us... but this is fine as well

But let me tell you when I will quit and cut contact: I) if I meet someone else I really like, ii) she starts liking/seeing someone else other than her ex of 10yrs, iii) she tells me that she has decided she only wants to concetrate on getting back with her ex of 10yrs and wants me to leave her alone

5) yeah, she knows I genuinely care about her and am not only after a physical thing... to her sex has to be emotional... especially of she is going to do it with someone else/new after only doing ot with one person for 10yrs!

Her knowing that I really care about her and willing to wait, and me saying that sometimes, will hopefully make her change her mind soon

By the way, talaniman is right.. so far we are kissy face friends with rules :)

But until then ("smthg changes"), I'm enjoying the ride (since there is no long term commitment)

Another question: when you say "until smthg changes"... what do you mean exactly? Any personal examples? Or the same that I listed above

Thanks, take care

EN Ken

Nov 3, 2008, 01:36 AM

1) nothing wrong with casual sex given circumstances..sometimes things happen...but of course i prefer having sex with a girl i want to have a relationship with...it makes the sex better

Well, yes a relationship does make the sex better but that's still not the point of a relationship. If you have enough casual sex, you find that, yes it is fulfilling, but only up to a point. Once you hit that point, all the sex in the world will still make you feel as though you are unfulfilled because that void cannot be filled by more sex. It needs to be filled through a meaningful emotional connection that only a relationship can bring.

2) how about u give me some of those "adult film stars" contacts ;)

No.

but the question here is: do i take away attention, just like she is taking away sex?

It's not really a matter of do you, it's a matter of why would you.

You don't simply do it because she's not having sex with you. Withdrawing attention has to been seen as a way of communicating your displeasure with the situation. It's simply a way for you to communicate the fact that you don't like how things are going.

Therefore, in this context, I would say no, you do not withdraw your attention. As far as I can tell, you seem perfectly content with the situation. You have said that you would rather be having sex with her, but you would stay with her regardless of whether she does so there's no reason to be communicating displeasure because you feel the situation is great as it is.

as for telling her im having sex...i wouldnt do that...talaniman is right...dont wanna risk losing her...what i do is: i) sometimes i have the real sexual flirting, try to get her hot, sometimes i say "u know, its ok if u dont want to have sex...ur probably afraid of how good its going to be...or its ok...take time to practice, etc.."..the occasional phone sex, etc...ii) i tell her that in clubs i get hit on, meet girls etc, tell her about some of the tamales, but never go into details

what are ur suggestions?

I guess I should have been clearer when I said you should tell her that you're having sex. I did not actually mean to say "Hey babe, I'm having sex with girls I pick up at clubs." That's incredibly bad form and you will quickly find yourself alone in many situations (although not all). What I would say is something closer to ii. I would say something like "I had a really good time the other night with this girl I met at this club. She was a really cool girl." And leave it at that. You are right in never going into the details because you shouldn't be.

The reason you are doing this is to communicate that you are a sexual being and that your definition of an ideal lifestyle is one that includes sex and that because you're still getting sex elsewhere, you are open to the idea of being with her.

4) im fine with the situation..i dont like it...but im ok with it...i would of course prefer to be just us...but this is fine as well

but let me tell u when i will quit and cut contact: i) if i meet someone else i really like, ii) she starts liking/seeing someone else other than her ex of 10yrs, iii) she tells me that she has decided she only wants to concetrate on getting back with her ex of 10yrs and wants me to leave her alone

Okay, now you're telling me something different.

What I said about attention earlier in this post would hold true if you were simply willing to settle for things exactly as they are now. However, it seems that you are not. It sounds like you actually want to meet a great girl and be in the type of relationship that you want to already be having with this original girl.

In that situation, the rules are slightly different.

If you are actively looking for a girl to date seriously, then you do need to limit the amount of attention and time that is devoted to this girl. You cut back so that you can actually have time to date other girls. So yes, you do withhold some attention, but with a purpose. It's to communicate that you like her, but aren't completely satisfied with the situation so you're also actively pursuing other relationships. You should do this somewhat gradually. If you're seeing her 4 times a week, cut back to 3 for a couple of weeks and then cut back to 2. In my opinion, if you're not monogamous with a girl and you're seeing her more than 2 times a week, then you're communicating that you want to be monogamous with her. If you're in an open relationship with a girl, the most you should be seeing her is twice a week.

At some point, it's likely that she'll comment on the fact that you're seeing each other less and if she questions you on it, you tell her that "Well, I've just gotten busy hanging out with some other people." You do not be any more detailed than that. She will very quickly realize that she needs to be doing more to get more time from you and that may be the push that gets her to realize she needs to make a decision between you and this ex boyfriend of hers.

5) yeah, she knows i genuinely care about her and am not only after a physical thing...to her sex has to be emotional...especially of she is gonna do it with someone else/new after only doing ot with one person for 10yrs!

her knowing that i really care about her and willing to wait, and me saying that sometimes, will hopefully make her change her mind soon

Waiting is really the only way to go. If you're only the 2nd guy she's every been interested in, then her sexual inexperience is something you need to handle. You simply have to move at her pace and let things run their course.

another question: when u say "until smthg changes"...what do u mean exactly? any personal examples?

By "something changes" I mean that some level of commitment is reached. Until the two of you decide that yes, you are going to be an official couple and there's not going to be anyone else, the current dynamic is the dynamic that must be maintained until that point.

For example, when I personally start dating a girl, until we sit down and decide that we are going to be exclusive and we're going to be in a committed, exclusive relationship, she's free to date whomever she wants and I am free to do the same. The level of seriousness has to be built up over time until we get to the point where we both feel that it's serious enough for us to do that. However, once that agreement is explicit, the dynamic of the relationship has to change. You are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend and tactics like the ones in this post simply aren't conducive to the relationship. Saying things like "Oh I hung out with this really cool girl the other night" does not build the relationship, it drives a wedge in the relationship. A new level of openness must be reached and you must be willing to share a larger part of yourself and your life to her. (Notice that I did not say a new level of honesty, because I believe in always being honest but I do not believe that I have to reveal everything about myself or my life all the time.)

As a side note to everyone else other than tabbarat reading this, I realize that this all sounds manipulative and feels like a huge game is being played but that is the nature of this type of relationship. An open relationship requires a knowledge of these types of dynamics and how to structure the entire situation. I am in no way advocating this type of relationship over other types of relationships. I am simply providing advice from what I have learned from my mentor and from my own personal experience.

As a second side note to tabbarat, my mentor actually has a CD product on open relationships. If you are interested, message me privately and I will provide you with the details.

Hope that helps.

vipriya

Nov 3, 2008, 01:47 AM

I think she has not got over her past and may she don't want to.. I think it will be good you just say her goodbye... and be good friends because you never know about the future

talaniman

Nov 3, 2008, 07:18 AM

Just me, leaving her alone will let her get over the ex, at her own pace, and less drama. While you are still there meeting her needs, and being her crutch, she doesn't have any motives for change or moving forward.

This is NOT an open relationship, there is no sex, so it's a kissy face friendship, and nothing more. You can justify both your behavior any way you want, but the bottom line is, your not happy and fulfilled, your waiting on the chance to get what you want, but don't care about what she want, what she needs, or how to give it to her.

That's not love or caring, and is built on dependence, lies, deceit, and games and manipulations.

Don't let the kissy face part lead you to any other conclusion, other than your using each other for your own needs, and still falling short.

Your both afraid to let go, and stand on your own, but for sure it's the right thing for you both to do, for the long run. In my opinion!

slapshot_oi

Nov 3, 2008, 01:57 PM

In the past few days, there has been a several epic posts of 400 words or more that I never read, so I may be repeating something that was already stated.

tabbarat, since you admitted that you and this woman never had sex and the reason she broke up with her ex-boyfriend is because she moved to Dubai and left his sorry a$$ in Ukraine, it is now clear she has you on a leash (the relationship is on her terms) and is using you as an emotional support beam until she gets back with her ex-boyfriend. She's using you; "staying in the picture" won't do anything besides destroy your pride. Put the cap on this one.

I know you don't want to hear this and you'll probably rip me to shreds.

Romefalls19

Nov 3, 2008, 02:09 PM

where to buy balls - Google Product Search (http://www.google.com/products?hl=en&q=where+to+buy+balls&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=product_result_group&resnum=1&ct=title)

Man what is wrong with you? Hanging around this long for something that is not going to happen. She got rid of the other guy you say, yet you're still no closer to the winners circle as you were when he was around. What are you waiting for?

tabbarat

Nov 3, 2008, 05:00 PM

1) ENKEN: all true and good as usual... since it is an open relationship/no commitment/kissy face friends (as talaniman calls it), the standard relationship rules don't apply to us

I am not actively seeking other girls for a relationship.. I still really like my ex and enjoy being with her... she is fulfilling my emotional needs...

However, what I am actively looking for is trying to enjoy the "technically still single" lifestyle/having sex with tamales; since I thus far, am not satisfied physically

As soon as I am satisfied in all ways, I will be ready to commit fully to her only

Right now, we both "like"/accept the situation because she isn't ready to fully give up her past; and since she is not ready to have sex, I'm still not fully ready to give up my single life...

So what we ended up with is an open relationship/relationship with no definite commitment

For now, enjoying the ride until smthg changes

2) TALANIMAN, ROME, SLAPSHOT: no, I'm not going to rip you to shreds :)... I appreciate all views and posts

But you have to read/catch up... the relationship is actually on both our terms... as talaniman said, we are both not ready to let go

She could easily tell me that she wants to concentrate on her ex, tell me that she wants to see me less, call me less, not flirt back etc; and I could easily do the same

Like I said before, we are good friends who really like each other

As for what am I waiting for? 2 things: hving sex with her, and her getting over her past and being with me exclusively

But until then, I'm enjoying being fulfilled emotionally by her, and physically by tamales

Never said I prefer it this way... and never said that I sometimes don't get bored/sick of the situation

But for now, enjoying the ride

Take care all

EN Ken

Nov 3, 2008, 08:26 PM

i am not actively seeking other girls for a relationship..i still really like my ex and enjoy being with her...she is fulfilling my emotional needs...

No, she is not. If she were fulfilling your emotional needs, then you would be less inclined to look to have other women in your life. Emotional need #8 of men is SEX. If a woman does not have sex with you, then she is not fulfilling this emotional need and it thus becomes near impossible (unless under very specific circumstances) for a man to be happily faithful to a woman.

however, what i am actively looking for is trying to enjoy the "technically still single" lifestyle/having sex with tamales; since i thus far, am not satisfied physically

And you're not satisfied because she is not satisfying your emotional need for sex.

And again, if you're okay with the situation, then this thread is more a journal recording your status with this woman than about advice.

asking

Nov 3, 2008, 08:51 PM

She is getting all of her needs met in the relationship, but you are not.

EK, You have absolutely no way to know that all her needs are being met. That's a huge leap of faith. At the very least, she's not getting sex, yet nothing T has said suggests that she has no interest in sex. Therefore, she is not getting her sexual needs met in her relationship with T. Apparently, something about the relationship makes her hesitate. Maybe there are other needs that are not getting met. Who knows? That seems more likely than that she has a sexual appetite and yet is perfectly happy in never consummating it her relationship with T.

Women like sex too, so I'm puzzled by your implicit assumption that sex is a need only for T, but not his girlfriend.

tabbarat

Nov 4, 2008, 01:39 AM

Of course women have a sexual appetite too... and I'm waiting for the moment when all the hormones are rushing and she is willing to do it ;)

As for what is making her hesitate... she sees that her having sex with me completes the "cycle", meaning that now we would fully be a couple... we would have the emotional and physical... her having sex with me would be cutting the last "umbilical cord" to her past... for now, she is not ready

I realize this, I'm OK with it (for now), and that is why I keep tamales on the side until smthg changes

talaniman

Nov 4, 2008, 05:40 AM

Hmmmm, after getting freshly getting out of a 10 year relationship, what would motivate someone to just jump into another one with the next guy who comes along? Is that a realistic expectation on your part?? Can you imagine her thinking? Do you think she can heal and move ahead with you there? You say there is no pressure from you, but I bet there is always your influence.

I have nothing against an open relationship, just realize what the conflict is. You both has different agendas. You may have your tamales, while you wait for what you want, and she has you, while she figures out what she wants.

Look not knocking you at all, but just curious how long you ride this roller coaster?

liz28

Nov 4, 2008, 05:54 AM

I don't even think your have an open relationship, right now if anything, your just friends that like each other that hang up and make out once in a while. Then your both try to make each other jealous.

An open relationship is when two people, not one, agrees to see other people while maintaining some type of relatuonship. They have open communication and some of people that are in this situation have sit down and have rules of about what is aceptable and what isn't.

An .

talaniman

Nov 4, 2008, 10:28 AM

Talanimans Rule- Leave females with ex problems alone, and enjoy someone without the baggage.

Less confusion, and more fun.

slapshot_oi

Nov 4, 2008, 12:43 PM

but u have to read/catch up...the relationship is actually on both our terms...as talaniman said, we are both not ready to let go

Sorry dude, I don't have the patience to read novel posts. Besides, the posts I have read pertaining to this thread are consistently redundant; if you've read one you've read them all.

The relationship is on your terms as well? That's a hard sale. If this were true, you wouldn't have posted here asking for advice in the first place. You're failing to see the reality of the situation because you're rationalizing, you have a self-beneficial answer for every curve ball this chick throws at you.

she could easily tell me that she wants to concentrate on her ex, tell me that she wants to see me less, call me less, not flirt back etc; and i could easily do the same

This is a possibility and I would believe this, but you also said...

as for what am i waiting for? 2 things: hving sex with her, and her getting over her past and being with me exclusively

Since you're waiting for her, I don't believe you would cut her off as easily as you say you can (the quote before the one above). She wants you to wait for her and you confessed that you'll gladly do that; so again I say, she has you on a leash.

No woman alive finds behavior such as this attractive. Women don't want to date a man that's is at her beckoning call, like a dog. Right now, in her mind, she's comparing you to her ex-boyfriend, whom she admittedly still loves, and he'll win. This recently happened to me and my girl's ex-boyfriend is a chump; 26 years-old and lives with his parents, owes her thousands of dollars and has several drug addictions.

The point is, the personality of the ex-boyfriend doesn't matter, it's the familiarity and comfort that she has with him that matters, hence, he'll always be the good-guy although he may, in fact, be a scum-bag. Nothing but being alone and time will change that.

but until then, im enjoying being fulfilled emotionally by her, and physically by tamales

never said i prefer it this way...and never said that i sometimes dont get bored/sick of the situation

but for now, enjoying the ride

take care all

There's a paradox. You're receiving emotional fulfillment through being with her and yet, on occasion, you get bored and even sick of this ordeal.

I know that regardless of what I say you'll come back with an answer that you find suitable. I'm just rehashing stuff that was all said before anyway. I just needed to kill some time.

Romefalls19

Nov 4, 2008, 01:02 PM

I'm sticking around just to find out how it all ends, hopefully before I die

talaniman

Nov 4, 2008, 01:15 PM

Okay lets blow the lid off his secret.

Tab needs attention, and wants to be loved.

Nothing wrong with that! Just be honest about it.

LoppyLolly

Nov 4, 2008, 02:33 PM

All right, I'm 20 and I'm female, so I feel that I have a good word to put in here.
Although I'm in a different part in my life, it doesn't change the fact that I'm young enough to understand her motives/ways of thinking.
Number ONE: DON'T go after her. It is obvious that she is going to do what she wants to, and it's obvious that she doesn't feel that it is over with him. It would be hard to accept being with someone else just like ::snap:: after 10 years.
Number TWO: DO NOT make the mistake of being at her every call. NO NO NO. NOT attractive, kind of like "...How to lose a girl in 9 days...." if you continue with that attitude. And even if her and this other guy do break it off, she will NOT BE emotionally ready to jump right into another relationship NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS!
Hope this helps.
God Bless

asking

Nov 4, 2008, 02:42 PM

DO NOT make the mistake of being at her every call. NO NO NO. NOT attractive, kinda like "...How to lose a girl in 9 days...." if you continue with that attitude.

So I think you are saying that if you contact your boyfriend, you want him to be unavailable some proportion of the time.

I'm interested to know (1) why you want to be able to call him but have him say he's too busy to see you or talk to you and (2) how often you would want that to happen. Let's say if you call him 5 times a week, how often would you want to get some kind of rejection?

Finally, (3) if he calls you a similar number of times, about how often should you be unavailable?

Just curious.

tabbarat

Nov 4, 2008, 03:43 PM

Yes, guys! The secret is out... I only continue writing here so I can see the number of posts and pages grow! :P we are actually now happily married with 2 kids!

Enken said it best when he said this is more of a journal entry than me asking for advice... this is true for the most part... sometimes I do want advice; the latest being on how I can sleep with her for the love of God?? I got my own plan in motion, but was just looking for suggestions

I still disagree about her having me on a leash and calling the shots... she calls me/msgs me/makes plans with me/makes out with me as much as I do... the affection is equal

True, she knows that I really like her and still agree to be in the picture, but if you remember, sometimes I go out to clubs without her and she gets pissed... remember the time she "stalked" me and surprised me outside the club at 2am!

We BOTH want each others affection equally...

It is simply that she doesn't want to let go of her past completely YET and thus is not ready to have sex... and I'm not ready to leave her alone because I still care for her, but since I'm not getting sex and am technically still single, I look for tamales

So we both are there for each other until smthg changes

And just to reiterate, I am not always available... she knows I talk with other girls, etc.. we actually fought several times when I told her I was going to party without her

Trust me.. I don't have the personality of a weak, needy guy... I do play games sometimes, that's true... but I NEVER stay when I'm not wanted... as long as she still cares for me and gives me attention, I say "why not?" and stick it out

asking

Nov 4, 2008, 03:53 PM

Yeah. You never struck me as weak and needy either.

How can you sleep with her? Find out what's holding her back. I mean I know it is the other guy. But what about that? Is it that she wants to be with him? Or is it something more abstract, like she had enough good times that moving forward is scary and sex symbolizes a definite break. I'm just making that up. But maybe you should draw her out about what is really making her hesitate and getting her to say it (whatever it is) out loud will take away some of its potency. Obviously, don't preface that by saying what your motives are. :)

Chery

Nov 4, 2008, 04:22 PM

yes, guys! the secret is out...i only continue writing here so i can see the number of posts and pages grow! :P we are actually now happily married with 2 kids! (1)

enken said it best when he said this is more of a journal entry than me asking for advice...this is true for the most part...sometimes i do want advice; the latest being on how i can sleep with her for the love of God?!?! i got my own plan in motion, but was just looking for suggestions

i still disagree about her having me on a leash and calling the shots....she calls me/msgs me/makes plans with me/makes out with me as much as i do...the affection is equal

true, she knows that i really like her and still agree to be in the picture, but if u remember, sometimes i go out to clubs without her and she gets pissed...remember the time she "stalked" me and surprised me outside the club at 2am!

we BOTH want each others affection equally...

it is simply that she doesnt want to let go of her past completely YET and thus is not ready to have sex (2)...and im not ready to leave her alone bc i still care for her, but since im not getting sex and am technically still single, i look for tamales

so we both are there for each other until smthg changes

and just to reiterate, i am not always available...she knows i talk with other girls, etc..we actually fought several times when i told her i was gonna party without her

trust me..i dont have the personality of a weak, needy guy...i do play games sometimes, thats true...but i NEVER stay when im not wanted...as long as she still cares for me and gives me attention, i say "why not?" and stick it out

So, what kind of attention does she give you.

(1) are you shi**ing us on this, or are they her kids?
(2) evidently, as there is no sex in this...

You better get this thread in book format and printed as a best-seller, or I will. I sure could use the money to leave in a will for my grandson. So, how about 2% - does that sound OK?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

tabbarat

Nov 4, 2008, 04:30 PM

Hahahah... just joking.. no kids... I only said that because talaniman said I'm only writing here for attention :)

What do you mean what kind of attention? Short of the no sex, it is exactly like we are a couple... see each other a lot, make out, talk about problems, get alomg, are best friends, the whole nine yards... the emotions are there, the physical is not (fully)

For you chery, 5% :)

I prefer movies though... I think brad pitt should play me ;) hehehe

Take care

Chery

Nov 4, 2008, 04:58 PM

hahahah...just joking..no kids...i only said that bc talaniman said im only writing here for attention :)

what do u mean what kind of attention? short of the no sex, it is exactly like we are a couple...see each other a lot, make out, talk about problems, get alomg, are best friends, the whole nine yards...the emotions are there, the physical is not (fully)

for u chery, 5% :)

i prefer movies though...i think brad pitt should play me ;) hehehe

take care

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)
Thanks for the raise in percentage dear. Who do you think should play her role? What color hair do we need? You take care too, and I hope your friendship ends up with more benefits for you too.

tabbarat

Nov 4, 2008, 05:17 PM

Thanks dear... typical ukrainian/russian/european look... she has blonde hair and blue eyes.. about 170 cm.. 55 kg... 36-26-38 ;)... maybe meg ryan? Lol

friend4u178

Nov 4, 2008, 05:51 PM

thanks dear...typical ukrainian/russian/european look...she has blonde hair and blue eyes..about 170 cm..55 kg...36-26-38 ;)...maybe meg ryan? lol

I have the perfect actress for you Tab... hope you approve LMAO ;)

13392

talaniman

Nov 4, 2008, 07:15 PM

I only said that because talaniman said I'm only writing here for attention :)

Why else would you keep things going?? Its not being just stubborn in your ways, but you really do fear being alone.

slapshot_oi

Nov 4, 2008, 09:29 PM

I tried posting a reply but I just kept erasing it. I usually love a good argument to pass the time even if it's based around circular-logic; I can't do this one anymore.

On a side-note, congratulations Obama! This is f***in' awesome!

Dapimpuhate

Nov 5, 2008, 02:33 PM

.. not to sound mean or negative.. but that's not the only reason she had contact with him... because the stress of her job? -blinks-... so if she's with you... but if anything stressful comes along she's going to run right back to him and tell him all her problems?. 10 years is a long time.. but he's an ex for a reason... OR she's an ex for a reason... I just think that.. u should move on and let that one go... sounds like too much trouble than what its worth... on your part and on hers...

brandibaby23

Nov 5, 2008, 04:14 PM

OK first off wouldn't it be real entertaining to know that her ex is bawfing a new girl but still answers her calls when she calls him? You need to hire a PI and send after her ex.

And I have tried moving on after a breakup from an Ex of a long time, and let me tell you the only thing she will be thinking of his HIM while she's doing you. Probably even go to the bathroom and cry after wards are you READY for that kind of rejection?

Let me tell you one more thing I KNOW from experience she will NEVER NEVER NEVER get over him while they are still communicating!! You are just kept around to keep her from feeling like and thinking of him EVERY SECOND of the day! I KNOW THIS TOO. And yea she can say she likes you and all that blah blah blah but it is just words, any girl can do it any guy can do it! There is NO WAY OF KNOWING what someone really thinks of you. Sex is a good indicator but even then some people are able to cope with "Flings"

I broke up with my ex of 9 years and met someone new I tried to convince myself and him that I liked him by kissing and crap but at night when I went home all I thought about was the ex. But I kept going back with the new guy who gave me attention and "HELPED" me feel better throughout the days. MIND YOU I WAS THE ONE WHO DID THE BREAKING UP!

tabbarat

Nov 5, 2008, 05:50 PM

Wow, brandi! She also did the breaking up after 10 yrs! Seems our stories are similar... but she did admit to me that she is not over the ex and needs time.. its not like she is lying to me or keeping me in the dark... she does care for me and hopes she can get over her past and move forward with me (she keeps telling me stories of how bad he was (he abused her a couple times and had a drug problem))... HOWEVER, she also tells me that she still loves him because she was with him half her life

So we both know the deal and are so far enjoying the "open relationship"

Until then, GO OBAMA! I really hope he does smthg great, and was elected for his policies; not because of the color of his skin or because he is not a republican

We in the middle east are happy we are going to see change too

TrueFaith

Nov 5, 2008, 05:56 PM

This post is never going to end is it.

friend4u178

Nov 5, 2008, 05:59 PM

All threads get closed at 1500 posts... lol :)

tabbarat

Nov 5, 2008, 06:30 PM

1500? So we still got time... enjoy, ladies and gentlemen :)

friend4u178

Nov 5, 2008, 06:42 PM

1500?! so we still got time...enjoy, ladies and gentlemen :)

Lets just hope there's some progress by then Tab :)

Romefalls19

Nov 5, 2008, 06:58 PM

Doubt there will be Friend, but hopefuly he will start a new one. I would like a nice bed time story to tell my grandchildren

friend4u178

Nov 5, 2008, 07:01 PM

Doubt there will be Friend, but hopefuly he will start a new one. I would like a nice bed time story to tell my grandchildren

Ha Ha Rome

You mean a Long Bedtime story ;)

Romefalls19

Nov 5, 2008, 07:05 PM

Yup, it's going to be a week long continuation story for when my children go off for the week and need a baby sitter, ha ha

Just messing with you Tab, you know we are all routing for you!

friend4u178

Nov 5, 2008, 07:09 PM

Just messing with you Tab, you know we are all routing for you!

Absolutely :cool:

tabbarat

Nov 7, 2008, 07:12 PM

Thanks guys...

Anyway, I know this is more of a journal entry, and most of the times it will continue to be, however, sometimes I will ask for advice... ummm, like NOW:

I don't know if its because I'm drunk or one of my friends played with my head... but I'm wondering: I sometimes hit on tamales and do stuff with them... could she be doing the same thing?

It all started when we saw each other everyday this week and all was good and dandy, fun, great, etc... but this weekend (weekend in dubai is Thursday and Friday night), she spent it with her friends

I didn't mind, especially since I got to see my friends as well, and obviously we are still technically single... so I didn't say anything... just said have fun, and she told me the same thing

But now I'm wondering: 1) could she be doing smthg on the side or liking someone else?

My opinion: I do stuff on the side to satisfy my physical urges... why would she do stuff on the side?

And if she was seeing someone else, she sure does see me more! So poor "other guy"

2) I don't tell her when I do stuff with tamales... could she not be telling me too?

3) the million dollar question: do I have a right to ask her?

She usually just asks who I went with, where I know these people from, how my night was, and if I had fun

I do the same.

But now wondering if I have a right to ask her if she is doing stuff on the side; considering we are not bf/gf and only "2 good friends who really liek each other" in an "open relationship"

The point in all this is: I can handle her not being with me fully because of her ex of 10 yrs... but I can't handle her not being with me because of some new prick

Anyway, I think maybe I'm just being paranoid... a mix of a friends bad advice and a lot of vodka :)

wikedjuggalo

Nov 7, 2008, 07:16 PM

I couldn't help but laugh at that last post buddy.

Of Course she could. A lot of things could be going on.
As far as asking her that will be a two way street buddy. Don't be upset if she ask the same questions.

talaniman

Nov 7, 2008, 08:13 PM

Whether she tells you, or not, or whether she tells the truth, or not, you just have to trust her, as she trusts you, as this is the open relationship that you both agreed to.

slapshot_oi

Nov 8, 2008, 10:13 AM

1) could she be doing smthg on the side or liking someone else?

Oh come on, why'd you even ask that? If you are hangin' and bangin' then she probably is too.

3) the million dollar question: do i have a right to ask her?

Actually, you don't. You said yourself you're both technically single, open relationship, whatever you want to call it, meaning you both can do whatever you please and not have to get approval from the other person. If you ask her anything about what she's doing, she'll just get annoyed and angry. You would only have that right if you two were exclusive.

anyway, i think maybe im just being paranoid...a mix of a friends bad advice and a lot of vodka

This is what we all mean; this probably isn't the first and it sure ain't the last time you'll feel like this, especially drunk. It'd be in your best interest to put a stop to it all before you do something really stupid that you'll regret.

On a related note, the girl who I was recently seeing who also is bound to her ex-boyfriend Facebook messaged me Wednesday asking if I was interested in getting together on Friday night; I never responded, and I felt like it was the best move I could have possibly made. If I had responded, not only would I give her the satisfaction of acknowledgment but we probably would've met up and as it were, we were headed to a bar and I would've been tanked and said something out-of-line. Like I said to you, I don't want to be on her leash.

I wouldn't like my new ex-girlfriend to be with some other guy either but that's a risk I'm willing to take, and you should too. I'd rather accept the break-up and lose her to some chump than wallow in misery for weeks to months.

Mom of 2

Nov 8, 2008, 11:59 AM

So now you are confirming the fact that you are NOT okay with the way that EVERYTHING is going, although you have continued to say throughout this post that you are. Sorry, I didn't believe you then and I certainly don't believe you now. Technically, you have a right to ask anybody anything. However, what you DON'T have a right to be is upset with HER if she tells you this is going on because there is a supposed agreement that you are both single and you are not gf/bf. Yes, I believe that she can be doing just what you are worried about and she IS WITHIN HER RIGHTS TO DO SO!! So are you, right? You said it yourself. Remember, you can't have your cake and eat too.

If you don't ask her, then you will never know. Just remember that if you do ask her, she most likely WILL be angry with you and you MAY lose her. If you REALLY want to know the answer to your question, then you need to decide if it is a risk that you are willing to take. Please DON'T take this as me telling you that you should ask her questions about what she is doing when she is not with you because I strongly believe that you really don't have a right to question her actions because YOU ARE NOT IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP (let alone even A true relationship other than a friendship). You are in an open relationship, which means there are no boundaries. I personally don't believe in these kinds of relationships, but then again I'm not like everyone else and no one is like me. To each his own - as long as you are Truly comfortable with it.

liz28

Nov 8, 2008, 12:58 PM

I am curious to know what kind of "bad advice" was your friends giving you? Did they tell you to remove yourself from this situation? Just wondering what is your friends take on this situation.

Oh, and I agree with everyone above about how your not fine with this set up and I guess it takes booze for you to figure that out. How longer do you plan on keep going down this road because sooner or later your going come to a dead end.

tabbarat

Nov 8, 2008, 03:36 PM

1) the reason I think that I'm the only one that might be doing smthg on the side is a) I'm not getting sex from her and b) because she has her ex of 10yrs back home on her plate as well

I'm not saying that she might not be doing anything, all is possible...

2) I will ask her, but its not what I say, its HOW I say... I work in sales, so trust me on this one ;)

I will just ask "so meet anyone new or interesting or so anything u wanna tell me or whatever"

I have a right to ask, but NO right to get angry at the answer

But the million dollar question is if she will tell the truth

Because I surely will deny sleeping with tamales even though I HATE lying to her or anyone

I, however, have told her that I'm meeting "new, cool, pretty, girls" etc...

So I guess I will ask (just for peace of mind) but will still wonder if it's the truth or not

All I can do is not let it bother me and move on... c'est la vie, as they say

3) you are right and wrong... I can say that 90% of the time I'm OK with the way things are

But sometimes when she goes with her friends, or I go with my friends, we get into this grey area

I already told her: "we are both technically single...we really like each other and the way things are...but we are free to live our lives...HOWEVER, if you do meet someone new, you should tell me, and i will do the same, bc it wouldnt be fair to us and what we have"... basically, I'm OK with not being with her FULLY because of her boyfriend back home, but not because of some new prick

She agreed, and I guess time will tell...

talaniman is right... I got myself into this mess, so "i better get used to it"

Anyway, after not seeing her for 2 days, we saw each other today.. had dinner.. a good time.. held hands, kissed, nice conversation, etc.

4) that's not true, guys... I don't think that any advice I disagree with is bad advice... if you notice, I have given out a lot of greenies :)

The "bad advice" I was given last night is: don't be a fool, if your here looking to get laid/meet a chick... she is out doing the same thing

But what "scares" me is not her meeting a guy or talking to a guy for one night... what "scares" me is her liking a guy.. maybe exchanging numbers etc

Guys are OK just having one night stands.. but girls like to get all emotional and sh*it :)

As for my friends' advice on the whole situation: its mosty the same I get here: a mixture of "better just to let go" and "enjoy the ride" and "if u can handle an open relationship, then good luck...if not, fcuk it".. etc... nothing new

However, I was interested with LIZ28 post... u said "sooner or later there will be a dead end"... can u elaborate?

Regards :)

tabbarat

Nov 8, 2008, 03:45 PM

I just re-read my post... I really hate lying.. I really am a nice guy :)... any ideas on if I should say the truth or not if she asks me if I slept with anyone? Hope it doesn't come to it :s

wikedjuggalo

Nov 8, 2008, 04:39 PM

i just re-read my post...i really hate lying..i really am a nice guy :)....any ideas on if i should say the truth or not if she asks me if i slept with anyone?! hope it doesnt come to it :s

Depends... Do you want a relationship that is started on truth or one on lies? I'm sure down the road it will come out.

asking

Nov 8, 2008, 05:18 PM

I already told her: "we are both technically single...we really like each other and the way things are...but we are free to live our lives...HOWEVER, if you do meet someone new, you should tell me, and i will do the same, bc it wouldnt be fair to us and what we have"... basically, I'm OK with not being with her FULLY because of her boyfriend back home, but not because of some new prick

She agreed, and I guess time will tell...

You "told her" and she, what? Nodded her head? Are you sure she agreed with all that as a kind of contract? Or was she just saying she understood how you felt? Those are two different things. Or just listening and wondering what to say?

I've had guys say weird things to me and I was just kind of speechless and then they change the subject. Then, later, they said we "agreed" on whatever it was they said, even though they never asked me if I agreed and I never said I did.

.. . She is out doing the same thing
Maybe, maybe not. But unless you've been tamaleless for a couple months yourself, what can you say? I still think you have to choose between her and the tamales, or you aren't really pursuing her. Maybe she's picking up on that...

guys are OK just having one night stands.. but girls like to get all emotional and sh*it :).. .

Of course YOU don't have any emotions and sh*t about this woman you've been telling us about for months. :)

talaniman

Nov 8, 2008, 06:34 PM

This is often the point that your mind starts playing tricks on you! The doubts, and questions, get to creep into your thinking, and affect your actions.

Originally Posted by tabbarat https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/really-like-you-but-still-love-ex-10-yrs-253785-post1364092.html#post1364092)
i just re-read my post...i really hate lying..i really am a nice guy :)....any ideas on if i should say the truth or not if she asks me if i slept with anyone?! hope it doesnt come to it :s

One lie will always lead to another... and so on... and so on..!

slapshot_oi

Nov 8, 2008, 09:38 PM

1) the reason i think that im the only one that might be doing smthg on the side is a) im not getting sex from her and b) bc she has her ex of 10yrs back home on her plate as well

im not saying that she might not be doing anything, all is possible...

So, because you aren't getting sex from her and she has an ex-boyfriend in another country is reason enough you are the only one playing the field. Let me break it down Barney style for ya: If you're not getting sex from her, then she's not getting sex from you, which usually means she's getting sex from someone else and has you tangled in this emotional affair.

i have a right to ask, but NO right to get angry at the answer

but the million dollar question is if she will tell the truth

Of course you would say that when we all, in one way or another, advised against asking about her business. You're so predictable and we've never even met, you must make this girl feel like a prophet. I bet she can read you like a book and play you like a fiddle, there's no mystery with you anymore in her eyes, in fact, in our eyes as well. You're so quick volunteer information that she doesn't need or want to know, like:

i, however, have told her that im meeting "new, cool, pretty, girls" etc...

We know you want her to be jealous, and she does too. It's easy to take advantage of someone when you know how he'll act or what he'll say ahead of time, and you've given her an arsenal to work with. You're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

You should only say what needs to be said. There are other schools of thought on this forum that clash with the above statement, but if you're the type of person that usually talks himself into a bad situation (and you seem like it), then being concise is a life-lesson.

So again, don't ask her about her personal life, it's down-right rude.

tabbarat

Nov 9, 2008, 02:04 AM

1) of course I want a relationship based on truth.. but this is exactly the point, we aren't in a relationship... I wouldn't have even been out with tamales if we were in a relationship

2) no, she nodded and agreed... this "contract" came up a couple of times, so she would have said smthg

3) no, she knows I still want her... but she also knows that as long as we are not together, I'm going to go out with friends and party... she knows this, and I made it clear... her choice

4) I love how you guys think I have "no emotions" for this woman, but see me still attached and want to be with her after all this time... dont let the fact that I do stuff on the side because I'm still single fool you.. if we were together, and WHEN we were together, I'm the best boyfriend ;)

5) I agree with talaniman that thoughts start to play with your head... I guess I have to just take it easy and not worry... I also agree that one lie leads to another... hope it doesn't get to that

6) slapshot: I don't know if you read the whole post... the reason why she is hesitant about getting sex is because of her guy back home.. and that her having sex with me or anyone is a sign that she finally moved on.. and she is not ready to let go of her past

If she wants sex, she knows she can get it with me... and she is not the one night stand type of girl... I mean being with the same guy since she was 15 should prove that

The reason I want to go have sex is because she isn't ready.. when she is, I will be more than reay to stop with the tamales.. and I never pressure her because I respect her wishes

5) dude, even before I got your advice, I always believed I can ask her, but not get angry at what she says... ppl on this site know that I ask for advice even though I already know what I'm going to do anyway :P

And its easy for you to say that "she plays me like a fiddle" when your all the way in God knows where looking at a computer screen

I don't voluntarily tell her I met a cool girl... im not an idiot... she asks me and I say... I don't go into details... I leave a mystery.. I say it was a fun night, met nice people, etc.. thats it

I don't think its rude if I ask her what is going on in a NICE way... in the end we are good friends... I mean we see each other almost everyday...

talaniman

Nov 9, 2008, 05:59 AM

To bad that's not how to win a females heart. In this case, I don't see you winning her at all. Sorry guy.

If you were serious as you say, you would have had the confidence to step back, and let her make her own decision without your influence.

You still should, give her space, just to see the reality of this situation, and see if her words match her action.

I will bet, they don't, as its obvious, neither do yours.

slapshot_oi

Nov 9, 2008, 04:11 PM

4) i love how u guys think i have "no emotions" for this woman, but see me still attached and want to be with her after all this time....dont let the fact that i do stuff on the side bc im still single fool you..if we were together, and WHEN we were together, im the best bf ;)

Quite the opposite, my friend, if anything, I would say she has no real emotions for you. She's been simmering in an emotional stew since she broke up with her ex, so she's probably saying and doing things she wouldn't normally do, that's what people do under stress.

6) slapshot: i dont know if u read the whole post...the reason why she is hesitant about getting sex is bc of her guy back home..and that her having sex with me or anyone is a sign that she finally moved on..and she is not ready to let go of her past

if she wants sex, she knows she can get it with me...and she is not the one night stand type of girl...i mean being with the same guy since she was 15 should prove that

My God... I read the whole post, I even friggin' quoted it! You aren't reading mine! Again, you prove my point (the leash), "she knows she can get it with me". Because she knows you'll jump her bones at the drop of a hat, she's going to make you wait and wait and wait, and you will wait but shall never receive because that spineless behavior it's so unattractive to women! There was even a 20-year old girl that agreed with me on that. I swear to God I can't drive this point and further, if you don't get it now you never will.

And her long-term relationship doesn't prove jack sh*t. If she's been with the same dude since she was 15, she doesn't really know who she is. She's never had a one-night stand so she's more likely to have one. Besides, she's still young so she can still have some fun, usually people only start to settle down in their mid to late 20s.

5) dude, even before i got ur advice, i always believed i can ask her, but not get angry at what she says...ppl on this site know that i ask for advice even though i already know what im gonna do anyway :P

Then do it and post her answer. I'm eager to hear her response

and its easy for u to say that "she plays me like a fiddle" when ur all the way in God knows where looking at a computer screen

She's Charlie Daniels-ing yo' a$$! She weened you on Puppy Chow, you ate it all up, and now you're on Iams, keep obeying her every command and you'll earn yourself a dog house.

i dont voluntarily tell her i met a cool girl...im not an idiot....she asks me and i say...i dont go into details...i leave a mystery..i say it was a fun night, met nice ppl, etc..thats it

That's not what you wrote before. You're so inconsistent.

i dont think its rude if i ask her what is going on in a NICE way...in the end we are good friends...i mean we see each other almost everyday...

Ha, whatever...

EDIT
I have to learn November Rain by Guns N' Roses for an upcoming show this Saturday. Read the lyrics to the song, it's your exact situation.

Ash123

Nov 9, 2008, 04:53 PM

Holy Sh--- man, are you still working this thread?

She's got you whipped buddy.

If she's the one, take at least 6 months off like I said, and see if it is to be. You'll never know unless you give her isolation time.

TrueFaith

Nov 9, 2008, 06:23 PM

Hey tab can you do me a real big favor..

Its nearly christmass

So could you stop this thred :) yeah..?

I mean sierously... you have been going back and forth... back and forth..

A lot of people have put a lot of time into this.. and yet you are still making the same mistakes again... and again.

You have no idea where you are.. or what you want in life.. and you also have no idea of a real relationship..

You don't have any confidance in anything you do. As you let people use you.. and you are getting really hurt.

You say its cool and no problem.. and your tough and you don't care..
Well look we have about 468 posts! About the same stuff.

For someone that does not care.. WoW! I

If you was cool with.. then why in the hell.. are you always talking about it..

I don't mind helping people and I know you have a lot of friends here..

But dude.. enough is enough..

There is only so much people can say on a subject...

You give us all these pathetic lists. About what your options are and how this could happen. And how this makes you feel.

She does not care about you. And you sure asl hell have a weird way of looking at relationships.

I'm just saying this now.. and you can RED me if you want.. but really..

Stop beating this dead horse with a stick.

High Max

Nov 10, 2008, 05:45 AM

Posted Aug 28, 2008, 01:06 AM.

I must admit, I admire the guys persisstence in trying to get what he wants in his life, but it shouldn't take this long and be this hard to make a relationship work.

Mom of 2

Nov 10, 2008, 09:30 AM

I only mentioned in my post to ask her so that he could sh*t or get off the pot. However, I still say that it is not the right thing to do because he really has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to ask her about any of her actions. However, AGAIN, he took the ONE thing from my post that he wanted to hear. It was more of a "FINE, THEN DO IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS" statement more than advice, as he asked if it would be okay to ask her. Yes, he can ask her anything, but it still does not make it "right". If there is no committed relationship, then you shouldn't ask. Most likely she will get mad over it and you will probably lose her - this is also what I said in that post as well, but apparently he is not heeding that advice.

By the way, Tab, you don't know what is going on in that head of hers. I think that she is just keeping you around for safe keeping, for just in case. It is something that she has become used to. Apparently she has a lot of stress/change happening in her life and at least her situation with you remains consistent!!

Also, just because she may not want you for sex may also mean that she does not want anyone else to have sex with you - that is simple human behavior. That may be why she is acting jealous.

Follow the advice about not having ANY contact with her for at least one week. We all know that you won't be able to do it for 6 months, so take baby steps and do it week by week. THEN see the results. We don't have a crystal ball and we can't issue guarantees, but the only thing that will result is that SOMETHING will change - which is more than what we have seen happening EVER on this thread.

tabbarat

Nov 10, 2008, 01:17 PM

Hahahhahahahaha...

Just came back from a good night of gym, dinner, drinks, and making out; all with her..

Don't let my good mood fool you... all of you will be getting my responses later... mwahahah

Just let me take a shower, watch a bit of TV first

Regards

tabbarat

Nov 10, 2008, 04:13 PM

A lot of idiots here are starting to get sick of this thread, so simply stop reading.. duhhh

I have said several times that this will turn more into a journal entry than an advice column

So if you don't like reading my "diary", then piss off.. no one forcing u

For those MANY that still give advice and have been there since the beginning, I will always appreciate your input

I also keep writing because you guys ssay smthg, I disagree, so I write back.. and it continues

I'm sure you noticed, that I don't give up easily... so if you say smthg I don't like, I'm going to check you on it... RESPECTFULLY

Unlike some of the idiots here that think they know me and say words like "spineless" and "no confidence".. u don't know me man, the way I see it, I'm still being with the girl I love, but also, until she is ready, able to play the field guilt free... it is a nice deal

I wish I could only be with her, but too bad... u guys say give her time and let her go and MAYBE she will come back... well, I say, we love being with each other again or in an "open relationship"... if smthg changes great, if not great too

Of course sometimes it bothers me... but I can tell you that I'm happier being with her everyday and enjoying each others company, than being single and only with tamales

And about the sex thing... I can agree with you on one thing... she has me on a leash with the sex thing... of course I go out and have sex with tamales (bc I am technically single), but if I'm with a tamale, and my ex calls me that instant and says "come do me", I will ditch the tamale and come running... the power of sex ;)

I don't get why you see this as a weakness? We EQUALLY love being each other (unless for some reason you think I make out with myself and invite myself and call myself, etc.), we EQUALLY care about each other, and we EQUALLY agree that now we are OK with the situation... this is from BOTH our mouths

Its not what I prefer, but for sure better than only being with tamales... im getting her AND tamales

Until further notice, I'm OK with this arrangement

Anyway, I agree.. im also bored of discussing this... I tried to shift the conversation towards the sex thing only, but some people keep taking it back to "what are u doing, gve her time, space, bla bla bla"... we already established this 2 mnths ago.. im not going to do NC... im going to do a mix of NC and flirting and some games... get over it

Hmmm... looks like I'm pretty confident in my posts and decisions

And finally: I did ask her if she met anyone new or she slept with anyone... I said it in a nice way... she got a bit angry, but that was it... I said some nice words, held her hand, did some cute faces, the works.. and back to normal... good as new

She said of course not... she is out having fun with her friends, but the only person she likes being with is me... she did get offended at the sex thing though when I implied maybe she could be shtupping some prick on the side... she said "im not leeping with u, why would i sleep with some dude i meet in one night?! and u know i dont do one night stands"

Maybe it's the truth maybe its not,. can never know, and I'm OK with that...

But I did ask, like I said I would... I asked in the way I said I would... she got a bit angry, but I made things back to normal... had a great evening... and now back talking to you nice people (some of u)

Feel free not to write back :P

For those that do, always appreciated

Regards

liz28

Nov 10, 2008, 04:42 PM

Hehe, that last post of your was too funny.

tabbarat

Nov 10, 2008, 04:50 PM

AGREE :)

friend4u178

Nov 10, 2008, 04:59 PM

I probably would have worded these 2 sentences a bit differently if I was you Tab , but hey it's your thread :)

a lot of idiots here are starting to get sick of this thread, so simply stop reading..duhhh

a lot of you here are starting to get sick of this thread, so simply stop reading..duhhh

so if u dont like reading my "diary", then piss off..no one forcing u

so if u dont like reading my "diary", then don't..no one forcing u

Like you say it's more like a journal for you and I think if that helps you fair enough. We all have the choice to leave ;)

I think some here are just getting a bit bit frustrated with hearing the same things now as we were hearing 2 months ago , and with no progress in sight.

slapshot_oi

Nov 10, 2008, 05:02 PM

and finally: i did ask her if she met anyone new or she slept with anyone....i said it in a nice way...she got a bit angry, but that was it...

I told you.

Once again, you prove me right.

tabbarat

Nov 10, 2008, 05:06 PM

No disrespect... take care guys

TrueFaith

Nov 10, 2008, 05:07 PM

I agree.

Look we are not pisst at you for posting so many times..

Its just that all you do is say the same stuff over and over again.. with no sign of any real mental help in sight.

You think this is good ( its not)
You think you are tough and strong (nope)
You think she loves you and likes you (nope)
You think that maybe she will come round and want to have a relationship only with you (Nope)

And yet you lie to yourself so much.. you make up all these pathetic views in your head.. to justify your actions and your so called feelings.

It honestly makes me laugh.

I feel sorry for you.. I really do.

I do wish you luck though. As you will need it when you get so upset that she will never give you what you really want.

Which is a Puer. Honest loving relationship.

Maybe you will get it. When you gorw up more and learn what its like to really love some one.

And yeah I am done with this post.. this will be my last coment.

I hope this goes on for years I really do :)

Its like old re runs of t.v shows.. you just know what's going to happen all the time.

tabbarat

Nov 11, 2008, 02:01 AM

Your last post? Oh no! Please stay!

Look man, your views are right if I really felt that all I want is her or nothing... if I had to decide between being with her in a full committed relationship, or being single again with my tamales...

But since I'm OK with an open relationship... and since I'm in no rush to have smthg serious, and since I'm enjoying the ride most of the time, I feel my views are right

No one is right or wrong... its just that I've settled into a place where I believe its better to be with her AND tamales, instead of tamales alone

Until things change I'm OK like this... not what I prefer, but I'm comfortable

U may believe me, you may not.. i guess we'll just have to agree to disagree

Other than that... good riddens... maybe see you in another post

talaniman

Nov 11, 2008, 05:46 AM

No need to be nasty, bud, that's what happens when you post on an open forum. You will get many opinions.

No one can make you do anything so relax. Our advice, or comments, are only food for thought, and its your choice to do as you please.

But don't you think its telling you're the only one defending your position? That's only food for thought also.

Its telling after 4 months, and then being dumped, then spending 3 more months, your still in the same spot, with the same posts. That's the rub, as I see it, as no where are your feelings, or hers expressed, other than the kissy face stuff. No where after all these posts, have you made a mention of any heartfelt convos, that real couples have. That's telling when you only recycle the same justifications over, and over.

I tell people to pay attention here all the time, and get facts to go along with there feelings, so they can make good decisions for themselves. That's all I want from you, and again, just my opinion, so take it as food for thought.

I already know, like all roller coaster rides, when the thrill is gone, you'll get off, or she will.

Its just a shame to see two people using each other, with out the sharing, and caring, and growing, and building.

Enjoy yourself then, its just something to do while you wait for something to change.

tabbarat

Nov 11, 2008, 08:17 AM

"I already know, like all roller coaster rides, when the thrill is gone, you'll get off, or she will. "

"Enjoy yourself then, its just something to do while you wait for something to change."

I AGREE WITH YOUR TWO COMMENTS ABOVE, TALANIMAN

But there are facts to go with the feelings... I mean we really like each other, and enjoy being with each other... this is from both our mouths... and if you were in dubai and see us together, you would think we were newly married or smthg

We actually did have a "heart felt" conversation... forget if I mentioned it amongst all these posts

But I brought up the fact once about how we're seeing each other everyday and making out and acting like a couple... so why not just be a couple again?

She agreed, and said she thinks about it sometimes, but she is not fully ready to be in a serious relationship now because a) her ex still in pic and b) she needs some time to take it easy and relax.. another serious relationship now would be more stress

She said she does love being with me though and seeing me everyday and kissing etc..

I said I like being with her too... I like being "good friends that like each other"... no pressure... lets just both take it easy and see what happens

So basically what happened was that she is not ready to be bf/gf, but still wants to be with me... I am ready to be bf/gf with her, but don't mind this situation because I can be getting guilt free sex with tamales on the side

So now we are in this "grey/open relationship/its complicated" kind of thing

Both taking it easy and enjoying the ride until the thrill of the roller coaster ends... and then we will see what happens... we will obviously either get back, or one of us gets bored/meets someone else and this whole thing ends... no third option

I love the fact how some fools here thinhk she is controlling the situation and I'm being "weak" etc...

I know what I'm doing.. fully aware of what's going on... I AGREED to what's going on... she ALSO AGREED to what I had to say... we both are in this situation WILLINGLY

The only thing she has a "leash" on me is the sex! Not having sex with her is bothering me... sure I get some on the sode with tamales, but its meaningless... everyone wants what they can't have.. the power of sex... maybe some guys out there can understand that

Take care

talaniman

Nov 11, 2008, 09:16 AM

Like everything else in life, sex only has the power you give it.

The only thing she has a "leash" on me is the sex! Not having sex with her is bothering me

We all can make mistakes, when our nose is open though. That's when sex has power.

tabbarat

Nov 19, 2008, 09:41 AM

In need of advice:

Last night we finally slept together.. we had a great week and a great day and night last night.. in fact, SHE suggested we go back to my house... the sex was great and we had a good time...

But this is what happened: while she was at my house, she kept getting messages and calls that she wouldn't answer... I didn't say anything, because technically we still are single... but after we had sex, when she went to check her phone, I could see she seemed a bit uneasy and nervous... so I asked her what was wrong and to tell me the truth, and so she did...

Apparently, she met a guy, they went out a couple of times, and speak on the phone sometimes, she said they like each other, but its not serious...

She said she LOVES me, and that she wouldn't have finally decided to sleep with me if she didn't really only want to be with me... she said you know I only sleep with guys if I love them or really care about them... and you know that I have only slept with my ex of 10yrs, so it's a big step for me to sleep with u.. I hope that shows you how I feel about u

I got angry (dont know if its because she liked another guy, or because she didn't tell me till now, maybe both)... she said that this has been going on for about 2 weeks only.

I told her that I love her too much to share her with anyone... if she is confused or also likes this other guy, then I will say goodbye and wish her the best; because I can't handle knowing that she is out with another guy..

She started crying and tried coming to me and hugging me, and kissing me, etc. I moved away and dropped her home

She called me today, I didn't answer

Now the question is this: we were in an open relationship... sure we really liked each other, but we were technically single.. so did she in fact do smthg wrong?

Am I bothered only because she liked someone first?

Shouldn't the fact that her finally deciding to sleep with me even after she met this guy, mean smthg?

When I dropped her home, her last words were, you are a smart guy... I know when you are calm and think about this, you will know that I only want to be with u, and know how I really feel about u, and what I want with u...

I didn't say anything

She did ask me if I slept with someone, I told her yes! I told her that it was a girl I met in a club, and I did it when me and you were not talking or weren't as close as now... it was when I didn't know what was happening between us and you had recently told me that you were talking to your ex again

She got pissed and tried to turn it on me, but I didn't let her... I told her you liked someone when things were good between us... I had meaningless sex with a girl when I didn't know what was going to happen between us...

She closed the subject

So, finally, tabbarat is looking for advice :)

Mom of 2

Nov 19, 2008, 10:07 AM

From what you have now told us, my opinion is that she is more manipulative than I originally thought.

Yes, you were in an open relationship, but I still feel that even if you guys were in a committed relationship together, I would not be able to trust her. It is apparent to me that she likes drama, manipulation and your lives would be in constant turmoil.

My advice is to give this girl the boot. I just don't see how someone can profess their love for someone else and then still agree to go out with someone else. Something just does not seem right.

liz28

Nov 19, 2008, 10:07 AM

Whdn your in an open relationship you can date who you want because your both agreed to this. Therefore, no one should get mad at the other person if they take an interest in another person.

Don't you think that if your dating people you might take a liking to another person? Your free to do so because your not committed to no one.

I think now your upset because you don't have her ex to worry about because like you stated before he's in another country miles away. But now you know there is a guy in town that she likes and most likely like her back so now you've a threat, something that you mention before over and over in your past threads that you wouldn't be handle.

This want happens when your in an open relationship. Also, you can't get mad because you was out having your fun too so your both was. Maybe you took it a step further by having sex but you can't be for sure she wasn't and if she really wasn't then you was doing more then her.

talaniman

Nov 19, 2008, 10:34 AM

It was inevitable that the stuff would hit the fan. Now all cards are on the table.

Go fishing, or whatever guys in Dubai do, to get away, and let the emotional dust settle, and give yourself a chance to regroup, and think, WITHOUT HER INFLUENCE.

3 days should do it. There is a great danger in making decisions based on just feelings, and not facts.

I find it amazing, you finally get what you wanted, in this OPEN(?) relationship, and now your mad, and hurt, and confused. Hmmmmm!

Mom of 2

Nov 19, 2008, 10:39 AM

I want to rephrase some things. Yes, you were in an open relationship so therefore there were no boundaries. In that regard, she did nothing wrong and you can't get mad at that. She also can't get mad at the things that you decided to do while in an open relationship. That is why I don't believe in these kinds of relationships because there can be a lot of confusion.

At any rate, what it comes down to is this: WHAT DO YOU WANT?? It seems to me that you want a more committed relationship with this girl but you are too afraid to admit that to yourself, to us or to her. You need to come to terms as to why this is. You need to determine what it is you really want. If you want this girl and no one else, then you need to admit this. I don't think that you really like this open relationship.

When I said that I thought she was being manipulative it is because it sounds like she is trying to make you decide. "I know your smart and you should know I really like you...." Does she want you to make the decision in this situation? She said that she likes this other guy but that she loves you. If this was a true open relationship, then no one truly loves anyone.

In the overall story, I just don't have good feelings about this. I say cut your losses and find someone else who is more deserving of your time. Otherwise, your life will continue to have an over abundance of drama in it. She can't decide what she wants. It's always an excuse with her as to why she can't move forward with you. Also, I don't think that you REALLY know what you want either.

talaniman

Nov 19, 2008, 10:45 AM

Well said MOM, and maybe its time to stop seeing her as the poor confused female, that can't make up her mind, because she sure seems to know what she is doing to me.

Mom of 2

Nov 19, 2008, 10:57 AM

No, she is not confused. Move on. You made a little bit of progress in that you slept with her. Now that is off the table. However, sex really does not mean anything unless you are in a committed relationship, WHICH YOU DO NOT HAVE.

Questions to ask yourself:
1. Can I go on like this?
2. Can I trust her?
3. What do I want in a relationship?
4. Is she able to provide what I need?
5. Am I able to provide what she needs?

You have to be TOTALLY honest in this. I honestly don't think that she is capable of giving you what you need.

asking

Nov 19, 2008, 11:54 AM

We all saw this coming! You reap what you sow.
So now are you going to apologize for getting mad at her for doing half of what you do? And the move forward to a mutually respectful closed relationship?

Or are you going to break up because she's been following the very rules that you established--an open relationship?

Sorry I'm being harsh, but I do not understand on what basis you got angry.

liz28

Nov 19, 2008, 12:16 PM

Mom of 2, I think that both of them are playing games with each other and they both ar at fault here.

Tab, was already warned in the past by her about her still being in love with her ex and instead of that being a sign to leave her alone he decided to stay in hopes of her changing her mind.

Then for whatever reasons an open relationship was form, another stupid thing. Now he can't handle it because now he knows she has been seeing some else and she confess that she him. Meanwhile he's up meeting girls at clubs and having "meaningless sex" with them but he don't like them but is getting something from them that she wasn't providing.

The main reason that he is angry is because he have to worry about this new guy in town instead of the boyfriend that is in another country.

This is what happens when games are played and your emotions get involved. Neither one of you have cleaned hands in this and sadly other people are just going get caught up in this web.

Mom of 2

Nov 19, 2008, 02:36 PM

Yes, both of them ARE playing games. On top of that, he found out that she was doing the same things that he was doing and he is upset with that.

I only posed those questions to him because he sounded like he was FINALLY asking for real advice. He needs to ask those questions HONESTLY to find out what he wants.

Personally, I don't give much hope for this relationship. Too many games have been played and not a lot of honesty has been shown. Yeah, I know Tab, you claim that both of you have been honest with each other, but both of you have hidden agendas and both of you are guilty of keeping certain things from each other. So, NO, you really have not been honest with each other.

We have been saying from the get go that there are a lot of games going on, you continued to refute it and then look what happened? I hate to say I (we) told you so, BUT...

liz28

Nov 19, 2008, 02:52 PM

A new year is coming soon are you going drag this into the next year? Because as you stated "your both are single".

tabbarat

Nov 19, 2008, 05:14 PM

I agree with liz28 that now I have a threat... the new guy actually doesn't live in Dubai, but visits here every once in a while... she met him at work, called her several times, and he came to dubai last week for work and she went on a couple of dates with him

So yes, what got me angry is what I have always ben saying: I can handle her not being fully ready to move forward because of her ex, but not because of some new prick

And what bothered me is how he picked her up from work and took her to dinner (smthg we always do), and it bothers me that she likes him!

I had so many girls that I could have liked (nice, decent, pretty girls) that may have given me a stable relationship. But I would always tell them I'm busy with my ex or I would stick to partying with my friends... I was always holding back from liking another girl... apparently she wasn't doing the same

Today, I went to the gym, and she was there! I obviously ignored her, but she comes says hi and tries to hug me.. I don't hug back.. when she is talking to me, I'm giving one word answers

She left, but then she called me later.. she asked me if I'm talking to her or not... I told her that today I just want to be left alone.. just wanted to go to the gym and be in peace... didnt want to talk to her or anyone else

She told me she wants to see me to talk about last night... I didn't mind that, so we met up

We had a nice dinner... over dinner I told her straight out: "its true u can do what u want, and i can do what i want..but what bothered me is that u like someone else and u had dinner with him and he picked u up from work, the same things we do...i love u too much to share you...if u really like this guy and want to see where it goes, then i will tell u goodbye and wish u the best...i would love for things to stay the same way or more between us, but i can't handle sharing u with anyone...but apparently, its ok to like someone else and maybe kiss them, so i guess i will go out and do the same"

I asked her if she was going to continue talking to this fool, she said "i dont know" (which means yes obviously)... I told her, do what you want, but if I ever feel like I'm sharing you, then its goodbye... and until then, I guess its OK for me to actively like and date other girls

After the nice dinner we kissed, changed the conversation, and dropped her home... she said she wants to see me tmrw, I said we'l lsee

I know some of you are wondering why I got angry if it was an open relationship... I got angry because she liked someone else... sure she said she loves me and she finally had sex with me (which is a big step in her book), but it still bothered me

In fact, I'm still angry, and I'm going to use this anger to go out and actually meet someone else... no more tamales (bc it seems me and my ex are fully physical now), but I guess its OK for me to like someone else...

I won't lie, part of it is so I can give her a taste of her own medicine, and part of me is a bit disappointed, so I don't mind meeting a girl now that will love me equally and treat me with no drama

Anyway, I will take it slow ith my ex... now we are in a new phase where we have the emotional bond, and finally the physical bond... this is also interesting to see where it leads

Mom of 2: she was trying to make me decide, but then I transferred the ball to her court... I told her I decided: if I'm going to have to share you or I feel like I'm sharing you, then bye.. bc I love you too much to do that... but until then, I guess its apparent that I can like other girls and go on dates and maybe kiss them... so I will do that

If she is going to keep talking to this guy.. let her do it... I can't tell her what to do... but now she knows that I will be liking other girls, not only tamales, and that if she gets serious with this fool then she will lose me forever...

In fact, she reiterated today that she doesn't want to lose me, I mean a lot to her, etc... I told her "then dont lose me"

The truth: I want to be in a fully committed relationship with her.. she knows this.. and you guys know this... she is the one that is not ready and has excuses

My agreement to the open relationship and me screwing tamales was as a REACTION... I prefer being with her only... but if she is not ready to be serious, then I will be out looking for a girl that will or screwing tamales until she is ready... being in an open rlationship has its positives as well

asking: of course I'm happy we finally had sex, and appreciate the step forward she made... that is why I decided to see her tonight and we had a good time, etc. and I'm interested to see where it goes now, since it became physical

But you can't tell me that me sleeping with meaningless tamales when we were broken up(and when she wasn't sleeping with me), is worse than her LIKING and maybe KISSING someone else when things were good between us

Anyway. Like talaniman said... all cards on the table.. she told me about this new guy, I told her abou me sleeping with someone, I told her that I can't share her and that I will start dating other girls, and now we finally have the sex thing... im interested to see where it goes... I guess take it day by day

If she is going to keep talking to him, then I'm going to go out Friday night with the boys ONLY, put on my pretty face ;) and turn up the charm, and see what goes down

Take care all, thanks

talaniman

Nov 19, 2008, 05:31 PM

Oh my gosh, that's great, have a hissy fit. That's the perfect solution.

tabbarat

Nov 19, 2008, 05:46 PM

"hissy fit"? Where? When? Elaborate..

If your eluding to me getting bothered that she went on dates... lets see how she will act if she gets a taste of her own medicine

Might I recall the "her following me to the club at 2am" incident

TrueFaith

Nov 19, 2008, 06:08 PM

TrueFaith starts to

-----bang his head on a wall---...

----Blood starts to come out---

---Screams WHY!!!

liz28

Nov 19, 2008, 06:18 PM

Well Tab, I seem to think that sex is worst then kissing and liking someone.

The game continues! I wonder will you two let the other people on to what your doing? Because in the end I only feel sorry for them.

Take the guy for instance that likes this girl. Does he know she is in an open relationship or is she not telling him this. I think he would have more of a right to get mad than you do.

Again, you can get mad that she had dinner with someone else. That's what getting to know someone is all about.

Your both are playing with fire and sooner or later someone is going get burn.

friend4u178

Nov 19, 2008, 06:18 PM

Tab
You are a far more patient man than I would ever be.

If I remember correctly wasn't the ONLY reason she wouldn't be with you because of her Ex of 10 years , well it looks to like she's found a NEW reason.

I thought relationships were supposed to be FUN!!

talaniman

Nov 19, 2008, 08:35 PM

Hissy fit- what kids do when they can't get their way

You have to admit, as hard as you worked to get some tail, and then to go off because, she had dinner while in an open relationship, is the stuff of... kids.

You did agree to an open relationship didn't you.

Now what?

Was that tail worth all this drama you put yourself through?

Seems you should be walking around with a goofy grin, and bragging to the boys, how you broke yo' b... down.

Naw, all we get is a hissy fit, because she played your game better than you did playa'!

talaniman

Nov 19, 2008, 08:38 PM

U are a smart guy... I know when you are calm and think about this, you will know that I only want to be with u, and know how I really feel about u, and what I want with u...

Classic!! Now go fishing, and forget the boys.

That my advice.

TrueFaith

Nov 19, 2008, 09:41 PM

Hissy fit-
Naw, all we get is a hissy fit, because she played your game better than you did playa'!!

Im sorry... But..

HAHA!!

Ash123

Nov 19, 2008, 09:55 PM

Dude,

You have been honest on here. And I respect that. You just fell for the wrong girl and if you look at my original posts the answers are ALL THERE.

Love is blind but AMHD ain't.

Hang in there man. Sorry you got hurt. I'd refer back to my original advice and let this gal go. Just bad timing. Perhaps time to stop letting her whip you... and you yourself :-)

tabbarat

Nov 20, 2008, 08:13 AM

1) it wasn't just dinner... they went on several dates and she said she likes him... I didn't like any of the tamales, so there is a difference... thats why I had a "hissy fit"

2) she did eventually sleep with me, that's true... even after she went on the dates with the guy... and she is the one that suggested to come over... so of course that is a plus and a step forward

talaniman: your saying that I should be bragging to the boys instead of having a "hissy fit"... but smthg tells me that if I did that and I wrote this here, all of you would be all over me saying "look at tabbarat, he doesnt care about this girl...he is bragging...see, we always said that he was only with her for the sex, etc.".. u guys always find a way to criticize

Well now I had sex with her after 7mnths... how come I'm still with her and how come she still wants me? Hmmmm

This proves that I'm with her for more than just waiting to get sex

Look, there are feelings there of course... she wouldn't have stayed with me, and I wouldn't have stayed with her if there wasn't... there is a bond we have... if you guys see us in dubai, you would think we were newly-weds or smthg

I guess the problem is being in an open relationship if you have feelings... u should have little feelings if you are in an open relationship... this is where I might have made a mistake... I did agree to an open relationship, but having the feelings of a "closed" one

But her telling me that she is actually out dating, instead of what I'm doing (tamales), makes me realize that I should do the same and think less with my heart

I didn't appreciate the "she played ur game better than u playa" comment... sure she met someone, but I also was out having fun, and more importantly, she decided to have sex with me, and she is still with me... I told her that I don't want to share her with anyone.. so if she is going to pursue things with this guy then it will be over, and I told her that now I will be out DATING as well... yet we are still together... we actually saw each other today... picked her up from work and had lunch

Later we might go to the gym.. if not, then I will go out with my friends and try to pick up chicks

The truth: I know that I should probably cut my losses and leave... and knowing this and the bit of anger I have, is what is going to help me go "fishing"

And I will do that... but for now we BOTH like being with each other everyday, and we BOTH like the sex.. so I ask myself why dump her?

She supposedly met someone she likes... why doesn't she dump me?

We both have a chance or reason to cut it now, but we are both not taking it... I thinks it's a mixture of 1) we are used to each other... 2) we still really like each other 3) we still have fun together 4) both still not fully ready to be in a serious relationship with someone else

After her ex of 10 yrs, she isn't ready for another serious relationship... so she isn't looking for one...

And I'm only looking for a serious relationship with her AT THE MOMENT

So for now, we are in this strange kind of relationship... I nwhich we really like each other, have sex, but we are free to date other people

Mom of 2

Nov 20, 2008, 08:22 AM

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, blah. It's more of the same reationalization. Do what you want, because you're going to do it anyway. There is no one but yourself to blame when your master plan does not work out the way that you wanted.

She is not with you. If she was, she would not be with someone else.

Isn't it interesting that she conveniently has these guys that are not from Dubai. Makes you wonder, huh? Does she have an itch to perhaps go somewhere else? Does she want to escape AGAIN! Maybe she was trying to escape from her ex of 10 years and that is why she moved to Dubai. Yeah, I know it was because of work. BUT she did not have to go. She could have gotten another job - people make the CHOICE to move for their job. It is not a due or die situation - no one stuck a gun to her head to do it.

Just some thoughts.

Again, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Or perhaps the less things change, the more things stay the same!!

talaniman

Nov 20, 2008, 09:37 AM

We really like each other, have sex, but we are free to date other people

So you have gone from an open
Relationship to FWB, friends with benefits. Is that progress?

You keep asking for advice, then arguing, and if you can't stand the truth quit asking for it.

Now get real with yourself, and if you don't, we will continue to be amused by your ineptitude.

Its not like we don't care as I think we all do but your to stubborn for your own good and just refuse to step back and see where she is leading you... playa.

U guys always find a way to criticize

One day you'll be talking to a young guy who asks questions and doesn't believe what you tell him, and you will understand. Till then... need more advice? I got plenty for you!

If I didn't care, I would ignore one as stubborn (make no mistake hard headed is the term I want to use) as you.

talaniman

Nov 20, 2008, 09:42 AM

what is going to help me go "fishing"

That's just an expression, when one needs time to remove himself from a situation, to gain insight, and perspective, with out the influence of those around them.

A great technique for problem solving, or stress relief. Or to get over your anger.

Clears your head of CLUTTER.

Mom of 2

Nov 20, 2008, 10:16 AM

So, Talaniman, THAT is why my boyfriend is so into fishing - literally!! Thanks for clearning that up. (Another subject, different day, different thread).

Yep. Have to agree with you on pretty much all points, Talaniman. Sometimes, however, I don't think that he has been asking for advice as much as he is TRYING to prove all of us wrong. So far though, we have been pretty much on the money regarding how everything is coming out. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they realize/learn their lesson. This girl has become almost an addiction for him. He can't stand to be away from her, even though he MIGHT think that it is not a good thing.

Also, I think that he is afraid of being alone. He would rather put up than get out (fear of the unknown). Also, the only other people he is meeting are in bars - not the greatest place to meet someone for a long term, quality relationship (at least 80% of the time).

Tab, you need to spend some time ALL BY YOURSELF!! NOT with your guy friends. NOT with this girl. NOT with another girl. You need to clear your head, write some things down, REALLY think about who you are and WHAT YOU WANT!! As well as WHAT YOU DESERVE!! Believe me, when I was going through my own personal situation, people would tell me the same things and I just did not want to believe this. However, over time, I realized that if I did not define things in my own life, then I was going to continue to run around in circles and get no where. A person has to love themselves first before you can love someone else. If you don't, then you will continue to find the same kinds of people and find yourself in the same situations. If you REALLY loved yourself and had more self respect, then you would not still be in this situation. Stop acting like a little kid, throwing out threats of what you're going to do because of what happened, trying to get back at her and make her jealous (oh that's VERY mature - NOT!! ).

You need to sit back and analyze what has happened. What lessons did you learn? What did you want to happen? Can you see what you did wrong in the situation (it's NEVER only one person's fault - everyone is to blame for their involvement). Is the result what you wanted? If it is not, then are you still able to live with it? BY THE WAY If you were able to live with this situation, you would not continue to come on this thread and let us know what is going on. Again, you're trying to prove us wrong, but so far we have not been.

tabbarat

Nov 20, 2008, 12:03 PM

I never said you guys were wrong... in fact, in my last post, I said that I believe the better thing to do right now is to cut my losses and leave

Mom of 2, your right... WE have become an addcition to EACH OTHER... u always make it seem like I'm the only one that doesn't want to leave...

What about yesterday when I was ignoring her and not talking to her... and yet she kept calling, and saying she wants to see me, and trying to kiss and hug me... and also saying I don't want to lose you, and you know how I feel about u, etc... and of course her taking a step forward and having sex with me

But you are right... we are both not willing or ready to cut our losses...

And its due to the 4 reasons I stated above (mix of routine, feelings, fun, both not ready for serious relationship with someone else)

Your also on the money about smthg else... in Dubai, it's a work city... much like New York... spend 5 or 6 days a week working, and when you have one or 2 nights to breathe, you go to clubs or pubs... it is very multicultural and multinational, so you will see a lot of people just wanting to have a good time... who would have thought a Lebanese-Canadian guy would be I na relationship with a ukrainian girl... my roommate, a frenchie, is with a korean girl, etc.

What me and my ex have is smthg really nice... we go to dinners, movies, bowling, gym, etc...

It is sometimes nice to have companionship and do "couple" things

In fact, my brother who lives with me as well, always envies me because I have someone to do "couple" things with

He comes home, watches TV, plays PS3, and then on weekends goes out with the boys, and many times comes home empty handed.. bored out of his mind

It is hard to meet someone special in dubai (as in new york)... it took me 10 mnths of being here before fially meeting her... sure I met girls before her and dated, but nothing special

This is just an idea on why we are both finding it hard to let go

Trust me... if you knew me, you would know I love myself... in fact, a lot of people think I'm too cocky... one of them is my ex!

But like I said from before.. when I love someone, I give it my best and am patient... sure I also like partying and being single (was single for 2 yrs before I met her and had a blast!)... but now I'm I na phase where I prefer being with her than with tamales

Right now, its true sometimes it bothers me, but we like being with each other, we like getting physical, we like the companionship...

At any point someone can end it, but we don't..

Not saying its right, but since I either want her or no serious relationship with anyone else, and she doesn't want a serious relatonship with anyone, we are stuck in an open realtionship/friends with benefits kind of thing

Again, I don't like it, but we both like each other too much to just cut our losses..

tabbarat

Nov 20, 2008, 12:09 PM

U were right about A LOT of stuff, but I was also right on SOME stuff

Some said we won't talk again after the break up and for me to let go... but in fact, she contacted me and she wanted me to be back in her life

Of course its not a relationship again, but we went back to kissing and dating and doing couple things... so from nothing to acting like like a couple... not getting her back but progress

Some of you said I won't sleep with her and that it's a game, etc... but then SHE decided to sleep with me and she invited herself to my house.. which is of course a step forward

Don't start criticizing , etc... I agree I didn't get her back... but from not talking for almost a month to having sex and having some sort of relationship again, is progress

Mom of 2

Nov 20, 2008, 12:30 PM

Okay, there is a MAJOR difference between loving yourself and being cocky. To REALLY love yourself means that you know what you want and deserve. You don't have to be cocky about it!! Not putting up with games and not playing games is a way of loving yourself, because you should be mature enough and better than that to not go down that road.

I always make it sound like you are the one that does not want to leave?? NO, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS MAKING IT SOUND LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!! I state my opinions and offer advice. How you internalize it is on you. Then you contradict yourself by saying that both of you don't want to leave. Man, you are truly complex.

Like I said before, you are going to do what you are going to do.

High Max

Nov 20, 2008, 02:09 PM

This topic puts a foul taste in my mouth every time I see it when I wake up and check the relationship forum. Please let this die, there is nothing more that can be done for you here.

Mom of 2

Nov 20, 2008, 06:15 PM

You're right, but it's like the Energizer Bunny, "It just keeps going and going and going." The only thing is that eventually the cute little bunny either hits a wall or runs out of juice.

I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but I guess I am the sincere optimist. I just always hope that the light will go on in his head and he will have an "AH HA!!!" moment. It's either that, or I'm a glutton for punishment!

tabbarat

Nov 21, 2008, 03:47 AM

Sort of had an AH HA! Moment last night

Funny how I have them when I'm out partying and a bit drunk hehehe

Not going to call her for a couple of days... I don't know what that will accomplish, but I got this feeling yesterday that was sort of a "im starting to get bored of this situation (not of her and her company), but teh way things are, and dont want to spend more energy/effort"

Have some friends coming into dubai for the weekend, so going to concentrate on doing my own thing... not going to initiate contact...

We'll see what/if that does anything

tabbarat

Nov 21, 2008, 05:57 AM

By the way, valid question: true she eventually had sex with me, which is a big step forward and a sign of her feelings... but how much of it could be due to "guilt" for maybe going on dates or liking this other guy?

talaniman

Nov 21, 2008, 06:16 AM

Or her keeping you in the fold. A few days away is a good idea.

tabbarat

Nov 21, 2008, 06:34 AM

I think it was u, talaniman that once said "she will only know ur value when she misses you"... it crossed my mind last night... see, I do listen to what you guys have to say sometimes ;)

Mom of 2

Nov 21, 2008, 08:16 AM

Sometimes when you hear something often enough it will start to sink in. Maybe it just takes longer for some people!

Stay focused on your friends this weekend. The hardest part of the journey is always the first leg. You WILL be tempted to contact her and just know that is a normal feeling. JUST DON'T GIVE IN!!

Sex can be very powerful. Maybe she did it because she was fearful that she would lose you if it didn't happen. Who knows for sure. If that is what happened, then that is very manipulative and misleading.

I think that you are coming around. Change can be frustrating and fearful, but in the end, if it is for a good change, it is always worth it. Anyone who is going through change go through a period of doubt - "Am I doing the right thing?" I don't care how experienced in life you think you are, you would not be human if you did not suffer from doubting yourself from time to time. Life is full of checks and balances and doubt is a check and balance. The key is to not let doubt paralyze you and force you to make bad life decisions. Life is also always a learning experience and everyone learns something new everyday. If someone out there claims to know everything than stand up and tell us all what the meaning of life is - BECAUSE WE ALL WANT TO KNOW!!

Anyway, I'm getting off my soap box now. Good luck to you this weekend. If I came off angry in any of my posts, I apologize. It is just that when you kind of have a feeling that you know what is going to happen and you want to tell someone "duck" and they just stand there and say "huh????", it can be frustrating. That is what I was feeling (can't speak for other people).

Mom of 2

Nov 21, 2008, 08:23 AM

Hey, I heard that there is some major partying going on in Dubai this weekend. A lot of A-listers with the opening of the new hotel. Can you imagine spending $20 million on anything, much less ONE NIGHT of partying? I thought we were in a recession. Why not spend some of that money on people who really need it? Sorry to get off the subject, but come on!!

TrueFaith

Nov 21, 2008, 11:03 AM

Some people are in a recessions others are not even effected by this :)

I mean one russian has just spent 100 million dollars an a private yacht

So some people are still doing well ;)

tabbarat

Nov 21, 2008, 05:58 PM

1) just got back home (4.41 am dubai time).. had a nice time... was tempted to call or message her to see where she was, but didn't... talanimans comment about "she'll know ur value when she misses u" kept creeping in

Tmrw will do my own thing again, and see if she calls or not..

Its true I'm starting to get bored of the situation, but still not bored of her... anyway, we'll see what comes out of these few days with me not initiating contact... we'll cross that bridge when we get to it

About the sex thing: we had been talking about it for a while now... and it happened on Tuesday night... we had a great day, had a romantic lunch, then went to the gym together, then had drinks, and we had a nice conversation that lead to some nice kissing, that lead to her saying lets go back to your place

So emotions were there.. BUT, I also believe that "guilt" or fear of losing me were also there

Maybe her going on some dates with the guy and liking him on some levels, made her feel guilty... so she didn't want to keep holding sex anymore

Maybe, maybe not... but what we do know is that it was nice, and that afterwards, she said that "i slept with u, and u know that i dont do that with anyone unless i really care about them or love them..and u know how hard it was for me to have sex with someone else after my ex....so when ur calm and thinking straight, u'll realize how much i care about u" (said after we had sex and she told me about the other guy)

By the way, this other guy lives outside dubai and comes here every once in a while for work... she told me that their contact is mostly by phone/text messages

Speaking of dubai, yes, that party was for the opening of the Atlantis hotel on the man-made palm island... I could see the fireworks from my apartment! 20 million! But a small price to pay since the hotel cost 1.5 billion to make

Been inside the hotel.. very nice... smthg you guys should know about dubai... they like to have the biggest everything here... the worlds tallest building, burj dubai, will be here... dubai was affected by the crisis, but not as much as other places... it is a cash rich place here

slapshot_oi

Nov 23, 2008, 05:43 PM

1) just got back home (4.41 am dubai time)..had a nice time...was tempted to call or msg her to see where she was, but didnt...talanimans comment about "she'll know ur value when she misses u" kept creeping in

tmrw will do my own thing again, and see if she calls or not..

its true im starting to get bored of the situation, but still not bored of her...anyway, we'll see what comes out of these few days with me not initiating contact...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it

about the sex thing: we had been talking about it for a while now...and it happened on tuesday night...we had a great day, had a romantic lunch, then went to the gym together, then had drinks, and we had a nice convo that lead to some nice kissing, that lead to her saying lets go back to ur place

so emotions were there..BUT, i also believe that "guilt" or fear of losing me were also there

maybe her going on some dates with the guy and liking him on some levels, made her feel guilty...so she didnt want to keep holding sex anymore

maybe, maybe not...but what we do know is that it was nice, and that afterwards, she said that "i slept with u, and u know that i dont do that with anyone unless i really care about them or love them..and u know how hard it was for me to have sex with someone else after my ex....so when ur calm and thinking straight, u'll realize how much i care about u" (said after we had sex and she told me about the other guy)

She started talking about another guy right after you had sex with her? That's a huge slap of disrespect right across your face.

Don't take that crap.

tabbarat

Nov 23, 2008, 05:54 PM

No, its because while we were getting it on, she was getting these phone calls and messages that she wouldn't answer

Later when she went to check them, I could tell she felt a bit uncomfortable... when I asked her what's wrong, she eventually told me

That's just the way it turned out...

tabbarat

Nov 23, 2008, 06:27 PM

OK... after going no contact... she contacted me... I went and had fun with my friends and had a nice weekend partying for 2 days

She calls me on Saturday (like a Sunday in dubai), and wonders where I have been... told her I was busy with my friends... she wanted me to go help her pick a birthday present for a friend of hers (had already promised her before)... so I did... we had a nice time... then while we were together, this girl calls me and invites me for coffee... I agreed to go after I'm done with my ex

This bothered my ex and she started asking me who this girl was, etc and that was about it...

Then I dropped her home, and went for coffee... this other girl is pretty, but don't like her.. no emotions..

But when I was with her, my ex called me to ask how it was going and asked a weird question: "im more fun to be with yeah?"... I answered" yes u are, but the night is still young ;)"... to try to tease her

Now this is where it gets juicy: today I messaged her in the morning to see how she is... and then she calls me back and wants to see me for lunch... we had a good time and then this new guy she told me about a few days back calls when I'm with her... he tells her that he is coming back to dubai tmrw for a few days

That killed the mood!

So after lunch, I started thinking that I need to stop caring about this other idiot and just enjoy my life... the more I show her that I care about this fool, the more she will lthink about him and be interested... I have to try to not make it a big deal.. so I just wanted to do smthg fun with her and clear our minds

So I invited her to dinner at Burj Al Arab (for those who know Dubai, it is the only 7 star hotel in the world)... it was nice etc... holding hands, kissing, bla bla bla... then the subject of the guy came up... she told me that she is thinking of seeing him and she thinks he is interesting, etc... but she told me that she really likes me and loves me, doesn't want to lose me, bla bla bla

So I told her again: look, do what you want, and I do what I want... but you know I'm not going to share you... I love you too much for that... so what are you going to do if I invite you for dinner and he invites you for dinner... or what? Your going to kiss me and then go kiss him?

She said no, and started holding my hand and kissing me, and then we had sex again later?

Its obvious this girl doesn't want smthg serious... she wants to be a bit single/free/or nothing serious after her ex of 10yrs situation... but what she does know is that she really cares about me and likes me and is afraid of losing me

Even though I had a nice time, and she told me to call her tmrw, on the ride back home I was a bit angry, depressed, and bored

I'm not going to call her at all! Especially when this guy is here! When I went no contact, she called me... I want to see if she will call me/how she will react when this guy is in dubai for a few days

Again, talanimans words of "she knows ur value when she misses u" come to mind

I'm going to go do my own thing.. see my friends... enjoy.. party... etc... if she calls, I'll see what she has to say... but I'm not going to call and initiate contact

I want to see what her actions are, and it would bother me a bit if I call and she is with him; so why put myself through that? (AND YES! I KNOW I AGREED TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP... E HAPPENS)

Anyway, based on what happens in the next few days, I guess we'll see what happens

Take care