My boyfriend and I had been dating for just over 2 years... we had a wonderful relationship for the most part. In January we started to argue a bit- mostly because his partying habits had escalated recently. I mentioned it to him and he said he had been unhappy about fighting too... so much so that he confessed he had looked for an angagement ring for me, had it set, but the fighting began and he panicked- called the jeweler and had it sold to someone else!!
At first I almost choked on my food that day that he had he even told me that during our lunch chat. Then he said that's where he was emotionally and wanted to work on things to get there again- I agreed and for the next few months things were great. We planned a nice vacation together- well, I planned it. But we had a great time on it in may. What freaked me about it was that he had asked his friends (married couple) to join us. Normally id have no problem with that but the fact that they were BIG party people made me a bit uneasy as I had planned this trip to be relaxing for US. He reassured me that it wouldn't jeoprodize our time together- and for the most part it didn't. Minus one night where I said, "please lets compromise on going to bed by 3am so we can have a nice beach day tomorrow." he agreed but when 3 am rolled around he was begging me to stay out later!! I refused- which made me look like a bratty girlfriend, but whatever, we had a deal!
Anyway, a month later I find myself frustrated with the fact that I feel I'm putting all the effort in any plans together for us, and I decided to mention it to him. I also mentioned that he hadn't signed up for one class to finish his degree (class never transferred but he walked at graduation). I told him I had helped him get the info for th class and he obvs. Had the money from the stimulus check- I just didn't get hwy he wouldn't take the class. He flipped on me and said he just didn't want to- I said he didn't want to better himself and I shouldn't have to push him to do so. Mind u- I'm 25, he's 26. This was a class from 2005!

The conversation escalated to our break up- he said he wasn't happy, he didn't feel excited anymore about hanging out with (THAT KILLED ME), he was content with his life right now, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Every time I tried to compromise or suggest a fix to an issue- he could take the class online id help, we could make plans we both liked to do, we could party in ways we both enjoyed- he'd just say he didn't know. I asked how could you go from wanting the same things I did out of this to not knowing?? He said he thought he wanted a life together soon, but now that he's 26 he wasn't sure. I told him he obviously didn't want to try anymore and he wanted to break up- so he should just say it. At this point we were both hysterically crying and he finally said "my gut is telling me we should break up and if i realize in time i made the biggest mistake of my life, i'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness."
I was devastated and all I could manage to say was "its not me this time its you. this your issue.....but please come back to me." and I left.
This was a month and a half ago. I've been miserable... ive been doing evrything I can not to call (its been 10 days now with nc), trying to talk to family, hang out with friends, etc... maybe it was cold feet? Maybe I nagged too much? WHAT HAPPENED??

He was ready and you weren't. Now you're ready and he's not. I really think his partying really got in the way as you are not a party girl. Imagine what it would be like being married to party boy in 5 years when you are stuck at home with some rug rats and can't join him as you are pregnant again. Unless he grows up a whole lot real soon, I would suggest that you go shopping elsewhere. Yes, living without someone is hard, but think about your life in the future with Mr. Party Boy. How much fun is that going to be for you? I really don't see much fun unless YOU become Miss Party Girl and join him OR find Mr. I Don't Party Boy.

When we first dated he partied a lot but so did I. I guess we just grew apart- or actually I matured and he stayed in the Animal House mode.
We haven't talked much except to exchange belongings. He was so into a future one point and after that January conversation I feel like he just reverted backwards... is it possible he'll realize and want to change?
I just don't want to be the responsible one in this. I want it to be 50/50... so I've gone nc so he can realize it on his own. Any experts out there have an opinion?

You were ready to start a life, he didn't want to better himself and take the class. You both had wants and the other just didn't fit into the mold. Simply put, you weren't compatible, keep with the NC

So there's no hope?

There's an old saying my dad told me after me and my ex broke up and I asked him if there was still hope. "Hope is what people do when they have not logical reason to hold on anymore"

Its so hard to let go. I know there's no logical reason. Your dads right. He might never change. If he wasn't willing to put effort in when he had me... why would he when I'm gone? And I know I should "move on"... what exactly is moving on?? I don't want to date someone else yet- I'm totally in love with him.
I was blindsided- didn't see the signs till after, or I chose to ignore them and make them less of an issue than they were.
How do I force myself to let go? :(

Moving on is nothing more than a state of mind, you start it by deleting ways to contact or find out information about him. After you're done this, go out with friends, enjoy your life and it will slowly get better with each day.

Don't think about the past, you can't rewrite so why relive it?

its so hard to let go. I know there's no logical reason. Your dads right. He might never change. If he wasn't willing to put effort in when he had me... why would he when I'm gone? And I know I should "move on"... what exactly is moving on?? I don't want to date someone else yet- I'm totally in love with him.
I was blindsided- didn't see the signs till after, or I chose to ignore them and make them less of an issue than they were.
How do I force myself to let go?

Sweetie, I'm sorry for your heartbreak. But the most important thing for you right now is to start taking steps to "move on." I hate that term "move on" because its so nebulous... I mean really, what does it truly mean?

Basically, to move on means to start focusing on your future - your bright shiny possibilities - rather than your past. Believing that around the next corner is an amazing opportunity... not a person... but a chance for happiness in yourself. The most important component in healing after a break up is knowing that you're going to be OK in you, for you, and because of you . Not in another man, for another man, or because you want another man.

Don't think that moving on means starting to date again, because that's not the case. Moving on means finding out, once again, what makes you, you. What makes YOU happy, what brings a smile to YOUR face, what YOU believe in, and what YOU can do. Focus on that.

Find a new hobby, join a gym, go on a vacation just for you, start a journal, take long bubble baths with your favorite books, start to find new ways to enjoy your job... and before you know it, you'll be OK. You'll be in a better place than you were before, and you'll find out that you have an amazing personality to offer the world.

Go on into your bright shiny future... don't focus on what you've lost, but upon what you can achieve.

We're all here for you - we've all been exactly where you are. I wish you the best. :)

Thanks HistorianChick... I've been doing all that, guess I got to do more. Its this longing and loneliness... and just companionship that I miss- its all killing me. I wish I could take a pill and make it go away- or at least speed the process up. Part of me knows this just isn't going to work unless there's serious compromise, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head.

Thanks HistorianChick.....I've been doing all that, guess i gotta do more. Its this longing and loneliness....and just companionship that i miss- its all killing me. I wish i could take a pill and make it go away- or at least speed the process up. Part of me knows this just isnt gonna work unless theres serious compromise, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head.

I've been exactly where you are... I was blindsided by an ex-fiance...

Believe me... do what I suggested... it does help. Its not a quick-fix, I'd be lying if I said it was easy... but it will work.

Go buy yourself a brand new journal from Borders - one of those really pretty ones - and start writing down what you're feeling. Check out my post over on Books And Literature - Quotes that have influenced your life. Write down inspiring stories and antidotes of your daily life. Re-introduce yourself to you.

And keep your chin up. :)

Your ex is simply not ready for what you want, and your insistence may have pushed him away. Your at different places in life, with different outlooks, and different lifestyle, so no wonder there is a conflict.

One thing you must face, and address, is what YOU will do next, And Historian Chick has spelled that out quite well, as healing, and regrouping to move ahead with your own life, is the most important thing to do, so love yourself enough to find your own happiness, without him. Start being good to yourself, in what you want.

No Contact, is a great way to let the emotional dust settle, and give yourself a chance to regroup, and decide the path you want to take. Its hard, but it will open up many new things for you to do, if you want to fill that hole in your soul, and be proactive in what you pursue now.

Sorry for your loss, but you will grow from this, and your life will be better, so good luck!

The unanswered questions are also driving me CRAZY-if I knew I could get a concrete answer from him, id call just to hear it and be done with it. But somehow I don't think he'd have the guts to be brutally honest, and he may not even know the answers.
What made me angriest was him saying if he realized this was the biggest mistake of his life he'd come crawling back- as stupid as it sounds, he gave me a glimmer of hope with that.
He told me he couldn't tell me to wait because he wasn't sure how long it would take him to figure out what he wants... he may never. He then said 3 weeks later he thought this was the right decision. Why can't I accept that??
Why do I think he's smarter than that? That he knows the right thing to do and will figure it out and do it? Why do I give him so much credit?

I agree with the others
Sounds like you two just have two different outlooks on life and they really aren't compatible
You want to plan and be a go getter and accomplish things whereas he is more laid back and even possibly procrastinates.

You hit it on the head NOhelp4u- he's def. a procrastinator. Its strange how the ways we were different before were so nice- we kind of complimented each other that he was so laid back and I was so go-go-go all the time. Eventually those were the very differences that separated us.
we at one point shared a desire for the future- we wanted to be married young-ish, have children a family... we talked about it from day one and how our values were similar. But something changed- panic set into him that it was really time to get those things- or he realized I wasn't the one he wanted those things with. Who knows. Damn unanswered questions.

Maybe there is no hope- but it lingers in me. How do I make it go away?

Only time can make it go away, sad as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. The only problem with that, is that it takes time.

Maybe there is no hope- but it lingers in me. How do I make it go away?


Click on the links to the "stickies", in my signature.

There are a lot of people out there who have 0 in common except the shared fact that they want the relationship to work and love each other. Compromise is part of what needs to happen. I was willing to do that, he was not. Wanting to move forward was a commonality- then all of a sudden he changed his mind. Him being a big drinker and me not so much was never an issue... till it was. I just can't wrap my head around it. People can change if they want to, right?

My bf and i had been dating for just over 2 years...we had a wonderful relationship for the most part. In January we started to argue a bit- mostly bc his partying habits had escalated recently. I mentioned it to him and he said he had been unhappy about fighting too....so much so that he confessed he had looked for an angagement ring for me, had it set, but the fighting began and he panicked- called the jeweler and had it sold to someone else!!!!
At first i almost choked on my food that day that he had he even told me that durring our lunch chat. Then he said thats where he was emotionally and wanted to work on things to get there again- i agreed and for the next few months things were great. we planned a nice vacation together- well, i planned it. but we had a great time on it in may. what freaked me about it was that he had asked his friends (married couple) to join us. Normally id have no problem with that but the fact that they were BIG party people made me a bit uneasy as i had planned this trip to be relaxing for US. he reassured me that it wouldn't jeoprodize our time together- and for the most part it didnt. minus one night where i said, "please lets compromise on going to bed by 3am so we can have a nice beach day tomorrow." he agreed but when 3 am rolled around he was begging me to stay out later!!! i refused- which made me look like a bratty gf, but whatever, we had a deal!
Anyway, a month later i find myself frustrated with the fact that i feel im putting all the effort in any plans together for us, and i decided to mention it to him. i also mentioned that he hadnt signed up for one class to finish his degree (class never transfered but he walked at graduation). i told him i had helped him get the info for th class and he obvs. had the money from the stimulus check- i just didnt get hwy he wouldnt take the class. he flipped on me and said he just didnt want to- i said he didnt want to better himself and i shouldnt have to push him to do so. mind u- im 25, hes 26. this was a class from 2005!

the convo escalated to our break up- he said he wasnt happy, he didnt feel excited anymore about hanging out with (THAT KILLED ME), he was content with his life right now, he wasnt sure what he wanted anymore. Everytime i tried to compromise or suggest a fix to an issue- he could take the class online id help, we could make plans we both liked to do, we could party in ways we both enjoyed- he'd just say he didnt know. i asked how could you go from wanting the same things i did out of this to not knowing??? he said he thought he wanted a life together soon, but now that hes 26 he wasnt sure. i told him he obviously didnt want to try anymore and he wanted to break up- so he should just say it. at this point we were both hysterically crying and he finally said "my gut is telling me we should break up and if i realize in time i made the biggest mistake of my life, i'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness."
i was devastated and all i could manage to say was "its not me this time its you. this your issue.....but please come back to me." and i left.
this was a month and a half ago. ive been miserable.....ive been doing evrything i can not to call (its been 10 days now with nc), trying to talk to family, hang out with friends, etc....maybe it was cold feet? maybe i nagged too much?? WHAT HAPPENED???





Y is it that it seems the girls in the relationship are always first to be ready to commit. I was in a 2 year relatioinship and I had a issue wit my boyfriend about commitment and he always wanted to go out and c what else was out there like I didn't know... I had to break the ice and convince him to break up wit me because I didn't have the heart to. Turned out there was much that I didn't know.

If he was acting cold with you it's a sign that he mightve been interested in someonelse, I'm not saying he cheated but you never know h just mightve.

I'm at point in my relationship where I'm letting go to c if he returns back or how long he will continue to want me back... it better for us because we know if the relationship and the things we have done for them meant anything to them. If it did he will be rite at your door...

U need to just take deep breaths when he comes to your head.. and keep yourself really occupied. Its not in your hands anymore.. its in his... so start dating and move on... u have done everything you could

I think for you to really move on and get those hopes out of your head is too fully and complelty know it's over and know that you two cannot work... If you're always holding on to that hope, you're never ever going to heal ever.. I suggest you sit down by yourself.. and maybe pray to your higher being, and ask him to help you move on.. actually say to yourself "it is over, we are done and I will move on" but truly believe it..

Until you do that, you are going to be miserable..

I know it's the same thing you've heard, but girl, it's really the only thing that helps..

I am sorry. That sounds a bit like me at one point my BF took me ring shopping and had me get my ring sized. Then out of no where a few weeks later he says that I am the reason we can't get married and if I ever bring it up again he would leave. He said I was trying to trap him into marriage. When he was the one who brought it up--- it hurts it hurts real bad.
I don't think that guys like that can be realistic and I don't think they care enough about us to know when they hurt us. I hope he comes back to you since you still love him but try to move on.

Thanks redphoenix... its hard to tell what happens now, you know. Its not like I'm in his head. I think he'll realize because he's smart... but it might be denial talking and he just might not be ready. Or confused.
I've seen it happen where the ex leaves and you move on to something bigger and better... and I've seen them realize and come back... who knows. Only time will tell.

I've heard from so many sources about timing and readiness to take a long term relationship to the next level (engagement, marriage, etc.). So which is it? Is it more so about someone's readiness to go there? Or about timing? Or both?
If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?
Opinions appreciated!

It isn't a matter of being ready with one person to get married. It is being ready mentally and maturity wise. I know 40 year old men who aren't ready to settle down. As far as timing I don't think that has anything to do with it.

It takes all the above, and some luck!

If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?Your questions are very wise.

Yes, you are correct. It could be any of those things and/or combinations thereof. The really important question is actually for you.

How much time do you spend continuing after someone you care about but things aren't going well with? We all have our answers, but what's yours? What is your reasonable time commitment before moving on? What's reasonable to you?

I dated a girl for two years once, we were even engaged, and we still ended it since we knew our love would actually keep us from doing the things we most wanted to do in life. We realized love wasn't enough and ended it amicably.

Another girl I pursued for quite some time before she finally went out with me, but after that things DID go well, we were well-suited and now we've been married for 23 years.

It's about being honest about where you are in the "test" process. If this guy wasn't ready FOR WHATEVER REASON, you have to be pragmatic. It's not like you are pursuing him newly, you two actually got into it, right?

I'd suggest stopping this deep-post-analysis about HIM, and stay focused on your own goals, aspirations, ambitions, and needs in a growing relationship.

Tal is right, it takes a bit of luck, too, to find someone you like, is compatible, is willing to take the plunge... all at the same time. But what a great journey to that person!

There are sooooo many conditions that have to be right before you can take it to that next level. Not only is there the maturity, timing, level of connectedness, and countless other factors, but you must also be able to support each other- financially. You may love each other more than anything in the world but many marriages don't work out because of financial problems. Just make sure that you're prepared to go through hell and back with this person and know that nothing like this will be a walk in the park. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it's a struggle at times. (I might have fallen a bit off subject on this one but I think I made some valid points) ;)

I guess I don't know the answer to that. I don't know when to let go. I'm afraid. Afraid it was a mistake, afraid I don't know what's going to happen next, mostly. I know I can't waste my time waiting for someone who may never come back... but I know what I want.
I want someone who appreciates what I do for them and for us, someone who is willing to put effort in as much as I am, someone who knows what they want and takes steps to get there... I am right where I need to be in my life. I just want someone to be here with me.

Bad timing is what I was told my relationship was about. I was scared to commit at the start, and she adored me like nobody ever has, then by the time I was ready, she had moved on to someone else and left me. It HURT.

I just wonder what love is about sometimes. Is it just the girl or guy you spend most of your time with? My ex started seeing her workmate the day she dumped me. They obviously spent all of their time together at work while I was waiting at home for her.

I think he needs to first be ready in general, then then be ready with you. If he's not ready with you, he should make that clear so you guys are on the same page. It might be too late to ask him now, but if you two just broke up, I don't think asking him via email or something would be bad - just for your own piece of mind. I've learned that timing has a lot to do with relationships, but I 've also learned those men who aren't willing to work things out when things get rough, aren't worth it in the first place.

Why can't I just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted... but it isn't.
My head knows that's the answer... my heart can't accept it.
How do I do that?

More info we need to know some more details to help

Yep we need some more info

A relationship does not just happen, and while people change, if they are working on the relationship, it grows together, they put the "we" before the "I" if they do that in all things, they will have a wonderful relationship. If not, well the priesthood is still hiring.

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?
My boyfriend and I were always on the same page as far as a future- we established when we got serious that we wanted a family, future, wedding someday... the whole nine yards. We talked about marriage comfortably but I always said that if he felt pressured to let me know.
2 and a half yrs later he's ending it... yes in hindsight I see some issues we needed to face together, and I was willing to work and put the effort in. but he just wasn't. He decided he didn't want to try anymore...
So my question is... how can someone just decide that this relationship isn't worth the effort to them?
My head knows that peoples feelings just change, sometimes inexplicably, but my heart can't accept that. I keep thinking he will realize and come back. And its holding me back from letting him go :(

By the way Fr Chuck- he thinks relationships "flow"... yeah, I know ridiculous. He didn't think we should have to work THAT hard. Which I agree with to a point, but when IM working and he's NOT... I don't see his point!!

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?


You know. In my years, and through tumultous self discovery, mistakes I've made, observance, 4 years of college, several failed relationships, a misplaced engagement ring, I've come to believe that peoples NEEDS rarely change. What seems to change, in reality, is their PERCEPTION of those needs. In other words, it isn't WHAT I NEED that changes, but an understanding of WHO I am, and an understanding of how to actually fill those needs that I have.

Your head knows what you've experienced, your heart will never understand it, and acceptance is only gained through time and experience. Sorry there's no magic button. You'll be OK, allright?

Thanks enigmagnetic

thanks enigmagnetic


You're welcome. I've been there. You'll be allright. Never look back OK? Start living your life for you and building it made of brick so when the right person comes along they will realize how great you are and they will want to hold on for dear life!

Its weird because what he did, in a way, is a mature thing. He realized we were in different places with different needs and wants and ended it. My dissapointment is that we somehow grew apart. But I can understand that he just did what was best for us both.
What comes next is the scary part... not knowing if there will be someone better or if our paths will cross again.
But there's that building myself up for whatever comes next, right?
No looking back, you're right...

What comes next is the scary part... not knowing if there will be someone better or if our paths will cross again.
But theres that building myself up for whatever comes next, right?

Fear of the unknown is normal for all us humans, and healing is what you do to deal with the next thing life brings, good/or bad.

If somebody doesn't want to keep working on a relationship, they've already checked out long ago, they just haven't announced it to you yet.

I know this thread is a few weeks old now, but I felt compelled to say I am going through the same situation right now. Im 28 and the ex is 30, but we were together for 7 years. For the first few years, of course I wasn't talking marriage or children because I wasn't thinking it, then the last year or so I made it clear that I would want kids in the future, and subtly he began to pull away from me and started having millions of friends and a time consuming hobby of fixing up old mopeds and vespas and getting into that 'scene' without me. He had also been the less responsible one over the years so I managed all of our money and kind of pushed him to go to trade school and when he would procrastinate over making important phone calls or something I would have to remind him and nag and coax him to take action etc. It never seemed to bother him in the past, or he just never said anything... We finally broke up because he admitted he will never want kids. That was a big shock because he had always kind of skirted the issue before. Because I just couldn't believe it, I made him explain more after he had been moved out for a week or two. He admitted that he was feeling less attracted to me the last few months and that he was happy with his new life. Is been 7 weeks and I am only just now starting to believe a reconciliation really won't happen. He said does love me so it has been hard for me to really accept this, even though he said right to my face, 'Im not going to change my mind.'

Im sorry I know I am not really offering anything to answer your question, but it helped me to see such a similar scenario so hopefully it will help you that someone understands what you are going through. Hang in there

Hi jasmin-
Thanks- I wish you all the best in everything from here forward. The situation sucks. Its been 8 weeks and I don't know what I feel. He's probably not going to come back anytime soon. I wish he had just said 'im not going to change my mind'. It might have been easier. And I wish he didn't want children or a family- but he does. Its so stupid to be holding onto something that may never happen. But at least you've got solid answers.
As far as answers, I may not have them definitely, but at this point he hasn't called on his own (only answers when I initiate) and I haven't bothered in 3 weeks. Its tough. And I hope this gets easier.
Its nice to know someone else's point of view.

2 months post break up, 25 days no contact, still anxious.
This sucks.
He may never come back/realize what he had.
He has made no effort to contact me.
Hes probably over it.
I'm not and I want to be for my own sanity.
Time sucks.
I wish I could see into the future.
The anxiety is killing me.
People change all the time, right?
I'm afraid to let myself find someone new.
I miss him.
I want to be connected to him again.
I'm just angry/sad/tired/thinking.

Keep holding on... you will make it.

Someone new and better will come along and you will of needed this time to get over a past relationship.

I don't know your situation... but if it didn't work out.. and you didn't like something about him.. that's not going to change. Stop holding on to the thought of him..

Time does suck.. but it's the one thing that lets you heal.

Good Luck!

You will feel better soon enough, I know it sucks now but you will see how much better off you are in time.

2 months post break up, 25 days no contact, still anxious.

Congrats on 25 days no contact!


He may never come back/realize what he had.
Hiss loss?


He has made no effort to contact me.
Good.. you guys are avoiding all the unnecessary drama.

Hes probably over it.
Doubtful


I'm not and I want to be for my own sanity.

Your working your way towards it - just stick to NC

Time sucks.
Today is just a bad day

I wish I could see into the future.
That would be kind of boring though wouldn't it?

The anxiety is killing me.
Today is just a bad day

People change all the time, right?
Its called growing up

I'm afraid to let myself find someone new.
That should not be a priority - this time is about you

I miss him.
There's nothing wrong with that

I want to be connected to him again.
Are you sure about that one?

I'm just angry/sad/tired/thinking.
Remember today is just a bad day

One day in the future you will reflect on your relationship and be glad it was over. Venting is okay and do it when needed. Sometimes you wish you can fast forward time to where your completely over him but time moves slowly. Keep up no contact and soon your venting will be in a different tone because you would have heal.

Thank you guys... I really appreciate it. I've gotten to the point where, one way or another, I just want to be able to happy again. I'm so sick of being miserable!
Pragin-i would like my old Tony back. This Tony who left me blows. And change- that's the problem. He hasn't grown up and I have.
Where is this new person that will make it all worth while? I wanted him to be on the same page as me so badly. Now I just want him to realize or the new person to appear.
But first I'd like to be able to smile more.

I'm scared he's really over this. I'm scared he won't realize.
Sometimes I feel like his issue was really with me.

One step at a time.. work on the smile first.

Can't give yourself to someone when you aren't whole...

I really understand how hard it is and I also wish I could wake up and have completely forgotten about her but unfortunately its impossible so just keep the NC and stay strong.


I'm scared he's really over this.

You should not care about what he is doing or thinking. You should only care about how you deal with yourself and what you are doing to get over it.


I'm scared he won't realize.

Well that is his loss, but don't torture yourself until he does. You don't want to be with someone that can't appreciate what you had.


Sometimes I feel like his issue was really with me.

Do not bring yourself down. I don't know the details but do not do this to yourself.

The new person will come at the right time, but first you need to stand on your own two feet. Things can only get better from now on. Just keep the NC and take it a day at a time.

I feel exactly the same. 3 months. She has no regrets yet misses me sometimes.

Problem is that I know exactly where she is and what she's up to without having to ask. She works on my street and is friends with my sister in law.

She's living with her new boyfriend.

Just be glad you don't know what he's doing.

I'm afraid to admit he wasn't who I thought he was. I don't want to believe he can't give me what I need. I want to think this is just a phase and he WILL realize. I don't even know why.
I know what I want... I know he wasn't giving it to me. But I believe he can.

HopeDiesLast, you admit he wasent giving to you what you want.

He didn't think it was worth to give it to you.

You have wants, and you need someone to give them to you.. you are worth it.

Keep repeating it to yourself..

Thanks kissme! I'm normally so confident. I just don't get how one person can knock me down like this... or why I let him. It angers me.

Well, we are all human! :)

Full of emotional,physical needs and wants...

Sometimes those wants try to over come our needs...

I want to call him :( or at least text. I won't, but I want to.

Whatever you do, don't contact them. It pushes them away and makes you feel bad at the same time. I've just given up on her now. Close that door and look for another one I guess.

He was spotted on what seemed like a double date. He's probably over me. He was spotted at a bar he's never set foot in. he was probably meeting her there. Who is this person? Where did my boyfriend go?
I think it's a sign of me giving up. Reality is finally setting in.

2 months post break up, 25 days no contact, still anxious.
This sucks.
He may never come back/realize what he had.
He has made no effort to contact me.
Hes probably over it.
I'm not and i want to be for my own sanity.
Time sucks.
I wish i could see into the future.
The anxiety is killing me.
People change all the time, right?
I'm afraid to let myself find someone new.
I miss him.
I want to be connected to him again.
I'm just angry/sad/tired/thinking.

HopeDiesLast... your post is so close to how Im feeling too. You are not alone. It's been 3 months for me... though I have had intermittent contact with my ex-GF due to some issues with joint accounts and such that I have only recently begun to decide to cancel. But I have (finally) realized that she may never come back and I have come to grips with it. It has made me very very sad but what can you do. I still miss her dearly and wish we could be together like we were. Stay strong. I am trying to be...

I feel exactly as you do. I had a really BAD day. But it will get better, we have to believe.



Sorry you feel this bad too!!

Don't try to figure out what your boyfriend is doing. It doesn't matter and you shouldn't care! Believe me because in my case I know she has already jumped into what seems to be a serious relationship with the guy she cheated on me with, after our 3 year relationship (She was my first real love and we both come from the same circle of friends back home which means I will always have to stumble over her, which sucks). So believe me when I say that its best you don't know! Its really important you keep the NC going on! Unfortunately your feelings won't change overnight and it will take a lot of effort but you are definitely on the right track.

Yeah the more I know about the ex the angrier I get that he's just done with me. The more I start to wonder "well, is he REALLY done with me?" The truth of the matter is actions speak louder than words. And if he wanted to try, wanted to contact me, wanted to get back together... he knows how to do it. He just doesn't.
It's hard to look at a situation and see it for what it really was. Because no one wants to admit they were wrong. Or that the person who broke your heart saw the writing on the wall first. It's a big blow to your ego.
I guess now there's nothing else to do but let go.

I agree that it is really hard to see the situation for what it really is and admit that you were wrong and that is what I am struggling with too. But it will only make you stronger for future challenges in your life. Although you might not believe it you are already in the process of letting go, its just that it takes time. Just have faith in yourself and your ability to get over this and it will all be fine.

I hate him. I really do. I hate him for letting me trust that this was going to work. And then when it came down to it- he couldn't do it. It makes me so angry.

It hurts so much doesn't it. I'm so unhappy right now.

When my ex fiancé broke up with me I remember the 2-3 months in was so bad, then 3-6 months in was getting a lot better, 6- 12 months the hurt and the pain you have in your heart went away 15 + months on the only time I think of her is when I want too. Just take the advise you get here it works. And I didn't believe it when they told me but it does get better.

I wish I knew that my situation was going one way or another. At this point its going the way I wish it wasn't :(

You are going in the right direction and the proof is that you are still maintaining NC. Its your mind playing tricks on you. Don't let yourself believe that you were being played all along your relationship, and don't let hate take over. It is really easy to hate someone but the hardest is to forgive them. It takes a much stronger person to forgive. I know it feels almost impossible and extremely painful but that is what I try and convince myself to do everymorning I wake up. It has been 1.5 months since we broke up and it's the 3rd week of NC. I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is sharing all the things we were sharing 2 months ago with someone else, and although it is not as bad as the first week where I couldn't sleep or eat anything I still get some really bad days, where I feel completely lost and wandering whether I have made any progress and when I will finally be able to move on without having to think about it. Your signature says that things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right, so just believe in that and hold on in there.

He's said he wasn't feeling it anymore
He'd seeing someone casually.
He hasn't called.
I haven't called or text in 27 days.
So why the hell do I have this hope that he's testing the waters and will come back?
Someone please tell me how to let the hope go because I'm going nuts.
This is a lot like my other posts but I need a slap in the face... please.

*SLAP* You need to just realize he isn't coming back, it's over. He is moving on, as should you be. Healing is a time consuming process. You are doing well with No contact, eventually it will start to shed some light to you that this is for the best and there is better out there

Get busy learning to love yourself, and quite whining over someone who doesn't care, how dumb is that??



Well you asked!

Thanks... keep it coming.

I hear you... do I ever hear you. I've been doing the same thing... hoping that my ex comes back to me. So much so that I refused to cut all ties with her to my detriment. Recently I have been getting a clue that she doesn't really care all I have been doing and boy do I feel stupid. I have finally decided to cut all ties (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-am-doing-242077-2.html) but it took 3 months for me to finally do it. All I can say is that it takes time and I wish I did it earlier. Stay strong.

Actually my slap is to remind you that IF he comes back, remember what you're getting back. You aren't getting a guy who "tested the waters and then came back to you". That's rosy-thinking and it's not accurate.

What you're getting back is a guy who looked at you and thought "eh, she's not it for me, think I'll go find someone better"... and then he DIDN'T find someone better. That's good that he didn't, but HE STILL WANTED TO.

Don't miss that. You'd be getting back a guy who would really prefer to be with someone else, but may be willing to settle for you. That sound attractive to you as a life choice?

JB, you forgot one thing... Or he did find someone better, but she didn't want his sorry @$$ and then he came crawling back

Well that would be when he'd have to do some SERIOUS proving of his craving for me! I wouldn't let him come back so easily after this Sh*t he's put me through. And maybe by the time it gets through his thick head... the tables will have turned. Who knows?

Well that would be when he'd have to do some SERIOUS proving of his craving for me! I wouldnt let him come back so easily after this Sh*t he's put me through. and maybe by the time it gets through his thick head....the tables will have turned. who knows?!

He would have to prove himself to you? Honey, he'd just be stopping by until the next best thing comes along.

You cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. Leave this relathionship where it belongs, in the ditch. Find someone who is worthy of your love.

Oh, and ::slap:: :)

*points to pic*

I don't slap people. I yell at them in the face until they either toughen up or cry.

You don't need a slap.

You need to know some good news:

HE DID YOU A FAVOR!!!

One day you are literally going to want to send him a thank-you note! You are going to be with someone new and it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't given you the opportunity!

Stop putting his sorry @ss on a pedstal and being a drama queen and admitt to yourself that you were wrong... yes you, you were wrong, he wasn't so great. Now stop lying to yourself and let him go... *&%$#@! Slap

Thank god for this board and the harsh truth. I need this! And I hope someone else gets something out this too.

So thanks :)

Tal,

Made me laugh on that one "-)

You Need To Move On And Start Testing Your Own Waters. Look What Is Out There In The World Waiting For You. You Could Find A New Man And Be Living Happy Or You Can Sit By The Phone Crying... what Sounds Good To You?

Slap Slap Slap... Everyone of these people have been right in what they are telling you. He's not coming back and you shouldn't want to be his scraps. At any point should no one do this to someone they say they love. It sucks, it's harsh and it may be mean but he doesn't love you and you cannot train the donkey to do so. It's been 27 days and it's now time to delete his number from your phone, erase his pictures and take up a new hobbie.

Go out and get yourself a hot date and try not to think about him. He left you and now you need to start over with someone new.

I know his number by memory. That's not the issue. The issue is that I can't believe he doesn't care. I want to know he still cares. But his actions say he doesn't. And I can't get over it.

the issue is that i can't believe he doesnt care. i want to know he still cares.

This is the problem right here. As long as you think this way you will never move on. I was the same. And only after 3 months did I begin to not care what my ex thinks. I am cutting all ties.

You have got to believe it though. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Its harsh I know but its reality so don't wait for him to call back because he won't, and you should be glad he is not calling because that way he is giving you the time you need to realise that he is not coming back and do whatever is necessary to recover.

Well that would be when he'd have to do some SERIOUS proving of his craving for me! I wouldnt let him come back so easily after this Sh*t he's put me through. and maybe by the time it gets through his thick head....the tables will have turned. who knows?!Excellent time to get out there and start meeting other men don't you think? Stop analyzing the reasons why he may have left and stop driving yourself crazy thinking about what he may or may not be doing. This man doesn't concern you anymore and be thankful that you don't have to put up with his BS another day. Start today by putting yourself first and living your life for you. Whenever that "pain" or "lonely" feeling comes over you, don't ignore it or allow your mind to ponder it and judge it......just be aware that it is there, really feel the bodies sensation....but don't think about it, yet don't ignore it, just be aware that it is there. When it passes, the next time those feelings come around, again don't identify yourself with it, just feel it and let it pass. Soon it will have no more control over you and this pain will cease. But get out there and do things for you, put more value on you, think about what you do want in a relationship, how you want to be treated, and how you want to be loved.

I know just how you feel. Reading all your posts was like looking at my own situation. He needs to figure out who he is and what he really wants... blah blah blah...

I've gotten to the point where I'm angry now. I'm angry because I've hit that point too where I needed to figure out myself and did it all while still being in the relationship and putting in the effort. He wants to do it alone. Like you, me and my boyfriend were also always talking marriage and kids, etc. until he just got tired of dealing with our relationship. I still feel like we could be together if we just put effort into it. He talked to some people who told him that relationships should just work. That you should just know that you want to spend your life with a person, never question it or have doubts, and that putting in the effort is easy if you both really love each other. I don't see anything easy about being in a relationship, especially as two full-time students with jobs and all sorts of responsibilities. It takes a lot of effort to make it work, and he just doesn't think that right now.

I know this doesn't help you much, but at least you are definitely not alone. I swear, I could've written your posts for you.

He talked to some people who told him that relationships should just work. That you should just know that you want to spend your life with a person, never question it or have doubts, and that putting in the effort is easy if you both really love each other. I don't see anything easy about being in a relationship, especially as two full-time students with jobs and all sorts of responsibilities. It takes a lot of effort to make it work, and he just doesn't think that right now.

12402-
That's right there is it in a nutshell. My life. My stupid ex thinks it should flow- which I agree with to an extent... but how can it flow without effort? If you don't want to try anymore then there isn't a relationship, right? I know he needs to figure it out, but he may never... and that really scares me.

He thinks the only reason we're both upset about it is because we were comfortable in the relationship. But that we probably stopped loving each other a long time ago. We've stayed together for more than 5 years because we were comfortable? It's just not logical. And he can tell me that he can see a life with me, but apparently that means nothing at all. That it's all due to how much time we've spent together.

He also went further to say that he wants to feel like he's in love always. He told me about his parents who have been married for over 40 or 50 years. He said he believed that they stayed together because of their kids. That they had very rough times and that they stopped loving each other at some point. Apparently he knows all of this but has never talked to them about it. I don't think he realizes that all couples go through hard times, especially at certain times of added stress and pressure. He's going home this weekend... I'm hoping he'll talk to his parents about relationships and I hope they give him good advice.

i know he needs to figure it out, but he may never....and that really scares me.

When you get to the point where you have no feeling about him, much less having it scare you, you know you are on the road to recovery. It will take time. Keep up NC and try not to waste too much thoughts on him.

i know his number by memory. thats not the issue. the issue is that i can't believe he doesnt care. i want to know he still cares. but his actions say he doesn't. and i can't get over it.


The truth is that "he might be thinking about you." However, you are not calling him either despite you are thinking about him. I believe that you are not calling him because deep down you know he is not right for you. So, I think he is not calling you because at the end of the day the relationship was not meant to be, you know?

The no contact should give you both the space and time to think. And I really think that if after all the space and time taken and there has been no contact, then it does mean it is over for both of you.

Don't feel as though he is heartless. I think it is both ways. It is sad. But it is what it is.

It happens... I try to look for excuses all the time to call... legit ones but then I ask myself what will it do for me? Nothing. It's not going to change the situation. If he wants me back it has to come from him and not me prompting him.
Maybe sometimes, for no real reason, people just realize that it's just not meant to be. He's doing me a favor though. He knows he can't give me what I truly want and deserve so he let me go. He wasn't happy in it. He could've kept stringing me along and got quick fixes behind my back, but he actually did a good thing.

He set me free so that when I can find someone who will treat me the way you deserve to be treated and he's trying to make himself happy. If he stayed in for me but was really unhappy on the inside, would I want that? When you love someone, the hardest thing to do is let them go.

He had never put me first and maybe he never will. Do I always want to be second to something? NO.

Sometimes it takes more strength to walk away, than it does to keep working at something that wasn't going to work. Maybe I'm just completely wrong too. Maybe just a little time apart will help. Who knows...

Am I onto something here? Something so sad and depressing I just felt my heart jump, but my reality?

Maybe a lot of time apart will help and not a little. You need to accept that he has already walked away and therefore has set you and himself free. So you are right he has set you free but now its time for you to walk away. The sooner you let this back and walk away the sooner you will find someone to treat you the way you want to be treated

He's gone and your realizing the faults in your relationship which is a strong step in the right direction. Just keep to the NC and in time the urge to call will stop and you will find strength within yourself to help you make it through the day, and eventually you will find someone who will make you happier then you could ever imagine.

Yeah I know. This might be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It physically makes me hurt. I will get through this somehow.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

yeah i know. this might be the hardest thing ive ever had to do. it physically makes me hurt. i will get through this somehow.
i wouldnt wish this on anyone.

You'll get through it, but you must be strong and keep to NC

You have already shown you can survive a heartbreak, now it's time to show everyone that you're strong enough to live life your way!