Hey I need an outsiders appinion on this, someone who won't bring the religious side of things into it, but talk to me as if I was there own daughter or a great friend etc.
so here goes...

My ex partner and I split up nearly 2 months ago after been together nearly 5yrs. We have 2 gorgeous boys together and are currently still living under the same roof. He broke it off with me because he said he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants without having to say even where he's going or what time he might be home. Since splitting he's done nothing anyway, and before we split I never stopped him doing anything he wanted to do either, We have lived together for just over 4yrs. So to me it feels very weird that he said he wanted all that but then never does anything anyway.
He has also been abusive in the past, pysically and emotionally.
Anyway to the point here, he still expects me to treat us not been together that way but at the same time when he wants me there I have to be there for him, I can't do what I want when I want and stuff. And although that is fine for me because I love spending every moment I have with him it is confusing for me.
he lies to me all the time and I always catch him out. He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child and even though he didn't have sex with her, he did have a fling with her text her non stop and ranked up serveral bills over a period calling her and then lied to me about it for 12 months after convincing me there was nothing happening, now since about 6wks before we split the same thing has started again.
A couple of days ago he told me he cut contact with her but then the next day he spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to her when we were out while we sat in the stinking hot car waiting for him to get off the phone so we could go home, then he tells me the call was random and he don't know why she rang him (but she told him her whole life story on how she finally got the guts to leave her man and so on) anyway he still told me he didn't talk to her but when I went out that night and come home the next day I went through his mobile and found dozens of texts to and from her so that means he's been lying to me about not talking to her...
anyway the new thing going down atm is, he is telling me he wants to be with me get back with me and stuff but this is what has to go, when our lease ends feb9 I still have to move out and he wants to then live apart for 6 months, not only that there's another catch ontop he wants to live on the north side and that will leave us living at least 1hour apart so he doesn't want to catch up during the week because he said he will be too tired to come see me after work then have to drive home still. And on wkends he wants to have the kids on his own as it will be his time with the kids so we will only get to see each other Friday nights and Sunday night, which is when he will be picking up the kids and dropping them off again. I asked him where is the time for us and he said we can talk on the phone, I don't know what to do, I love him so much, I know there is little trust from me to him because of all the times he's lied but I know that can be gained again. But I don't know if I am to just give in on us and move on with my life without him, or trial been with him but not living with him and if it works carry it out for the 6months then take it from there.?
what would you guys do?

thanks
Mia

I would move out in February and he could rot in Hell... he would get his kids on the weekends just like he wanted but he would have no contact with me. 1st and foremost I would file for custody of my kids. <----remember this is the most important thing that you do.If he wanted to play child support games I would take him to court... I bet he will because he sounds like a little controlling, mind game playing little boy. He has seen that you are going to put up with his crap so he is going to keep giving it to you. Stand up for yourself you deserve better $hit than that.

Thank you for your response, I like your honnesty. And thank you I do deserve better your right

Honey you have been with this man since you were 17 don't continue to live with someone that treats you badly.

I been with him since 16. I know there are more fish in the sea and a lot that know how to treat a women right, I guess that's why they say love hurts and love is blind, it makes you accept things you once said you would never except. I gave birth to our first child when I was 17 and a half, our kids are 3 and 1, they will be 4 and 2 this year, and that too breaks my heart that I can't give them a family life that they so dearly deserve. If that makes any sense to you..

Hi Crispy
Well first let me say how sorry I feel for your situation. It just astounds me how many stories we hear on here where someone is so stuck in love where the other person just doesn't give anything.
To me this guy definitely doesn't deserve you , he lies , he cheats and then he wants everything to go HIS way. This is why we say so often that starting a family etc. at such a young age is normally not a good move , and I'm sorry I am not trying to judge you just trying to make a point.

In my opinion you should bite the bullet and leave this guy , what a creep. Sorry it might be hard but do you want to put up with this sort of behaviour all your life? I don't know many people who would.

No don't be sorry I like the honnesty, No I don't want to put up with it for the rest of my life, honnestly sometimes I wonder why I have put up with it this long, I used to say I would never let a guy treat me the way he does, I used to say the day a guy cheats on me is the day I walk out that door but I never did, well I did for about 2 weeks then took him back so I pretty much didn't.
And yeah I agree having a family at my age has a lot of disavantages but it also has it advantages too. I don't regret having my kids, they are the world to me and I just want what is best for them. But I also know what I might think is best for them isn't, I stayed even when he belted the crap out of me because I wanted the kids to have there dad in there life, but I also know that was a stupid thing to do because I left them in a dangerous environment. (please note he's never physically hurt the boys in any way). I do know now though that I can't stand for his violance anymore and I do know the next time he hits me I am gone because All it will take is one fone call to any single friend and they will take my kids away from here weither I follow or not,
Yes all my family and friends dispize of him which makes life very hard. This is why I needed an outsiders advice on things, because your head can get so cloged up when you know they don't like who your with and then you think they are just saying things because they don't like him.
I also know all my kids do need is for me to be happy so they can have a happy and healthy up bringing.
In saying I agree having kids at a younge age can be a bad thing, Yes I too did choose to have a baby so young in fact 2 babies and I wouldn't change it for the world, but yes it is hard and it changes a lot of things, it also means you have to grow up a lot faster but in saying that I also believe there's not much different in having a family at my age or at double my age, I could be 40 and be in the same situation. Its how you deal with the situations that is what makes the difference.
I think the thing that makes it so hard for me is that he expects me to act like the perfect couple around all my friends (but he doesn't know they know the truth about us as I am not aloud to tell them what happens in our relationship because when he finds out I do he goes off his nut at me). Then when he wants sex from me even when I don't want it, its either give him it or put up with him been all $hitty with me and making me feel bad about myself, or he will just be all over me non stop till he gets what he wants, then he goes off and does his own thing and goes back to been his old way and all the rest... I guess you can say I feel very stuck.
There is also one note I should maybe make, No he isn't my first, I have been with many other guys and had 9 other sexual partners before him (yes you could say I was one of the chicks that slept around in a way because I was but when I met my now ex I changed my ways quick smart because I loved him and I haven't been with anyone else since the day we met) I say this because sometimes people say your more emotionally attacted to them if they were your first so no this isn't the case.

Crispy
I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say you wouldn't change having your babies. Again , I was just trying to make the point.

Anyway I didn't realise as well that he beats you as well , not only physically but also emotionally. That is just totally unexceptable behaviour and just reinforces the fact that he not only doesn't deserve you but also that you need to get out of there sooner rather than later. Violent men don't change overnight , they either need extensive therapy to fix the problem , and that's only if they realise it is and are willing to work on it. OR they just plod along with the assumption that nothing is wrong with them and everyone else is the problem.

We are all here when you need someone to talk to.

Thank You, That made me get tears in my eyes. (for a good reason)

Yeah I knew you were just making a point so sorry if I sounded defensive I don't mean to sound that way.

Yeah I get you totally when you say that they think everyone else it the problem, its never their fault they hurt you its always yours and it sucks.

That's fine... you have every right to be defensive when your babies are involved. I really hope it all works out for you.

Keep us posted.

Thanks, I guess only time will tell, I just need to find the strength to put a stop to the crap and move on so I can bring my kids up with the life they deserve, I don't want them growing up and thinking that what he does is right because I haveput up with it, or what not, I know I got a lot of support if I do that too, but if I go back to him and do it his way and all the rest I will have support for the most of it but I know they won't support my decision to take him back and what not, I have been told to use my anger and pain to give me the strength but I just can't do it. I don't know how to find the strength, but I know it is there somewhere I just got to want it enough, But making it something I want to do is not going to be easy. But then Life isn't easy

Mia
I think you know what you need to do and probably did before you came on here , just for reassurance I would guess. Yes look after the children's interests and needs but also look after yours. They will know if you are not happy.

Crispy... when he hits you and treats you bad he is being mean to your kids. You can not be the best mommy to them while putting up with that $hit. Don't you think they know you are upset.. they probably hear him hitting you and it scares them. You need to have his rotten a$$ locked up when he hits you. 9 times outt of 10 he will hit them someday because that is how he handles his problems... why do you think he will be any different with the? Then you will either have to shut up and let him hit your kids or fight him... but trust me it will come to that.
As far as the sex... he is raping you... you should never have to sleep with some $OB for them to leave you alone or to treat you with a little kindeness.
You have slept with 9 guys from the age of?? To 16. Who told you in order to be loved and accepted you have to have sex with guys. Sweety your body belongs to you, you should not have to share it if you are not ready to. Please get some professional help. Domestic abuse hotline 1-800-799-S7233 or Domestic Violence Shelter Tour (http://www.safehorizon.org/page.php?page=sheltertour) There are so many groups that could provide you with help. Even if you just find a counselor from a battered woman's shelter to talk to you would learn so much about the cycle of abuse. This could be done over the phone each time you are upset or he mistreats you. Look the up in your area.

Crispy: are you dependent on your husband for money, or do you work away from your home?

bushg... Yes my kids know it happens, they can sense it, if he is yelling at me, my 3yr old shuts himself in his room, once both boys were in the room with me and as soon as there dad left the room our 3yr old ran and shut the door and locked it, it broke my heart and all they could do was sit next to me and hug me and that's how I know they know what's going on. It tears me up inside so much.
No one told me I had to sleep around to be loved, I guess you could say I was the rebulious type the one who turned to the drugs to hide for life, (note I quit the drugs for my now ex because he made me choose him or the drugs, best move I could ever make) I guess some would say I had a crap up bringing, I never really had much respect for myself before I met my ex, and those 9 guys pretty much were in a 1yr gap except for one whome I actaully dated for 2 yrs (go puppy love) between that guy and my now ex, I don't know what really happened I just went from one bloke to the next, but I think a lot has to do with the type of guys I go for too. I guess it's a cycle yet needing to be broken. A lot to could go with the age, Ive always dated much older guys and only my first and now ex have been in a resonable age gap. So really you could say I brought it all upon myself with everything Ive invited into my life...
I don't know its hard to really say I am just trying to work it all out myself too I suppose you could say,
As for you clasing what he does to the sexual side of things. It really doesn't class as rape as I do let him do it, if I said no the whole way through then it would be that, yeah OK he don't stop after I say no but that's because he knows after a few minutes ill just give in. but still I do give in and that's where its not classed as rape. I mean do correct me if I am wrong but that is my view on it.
Yeah I am in Australia so our number is different from that but I have tried to call it but as soon as they answer I just can't make the call I don't know why, I guess I'm scared to, maybe one day ill get the guts to talk but yeah, Im surprised I have even said this much on here, actaully I'm more like really shocked that I have said as much as I have, and yes there is so much he does I don't tell...
Oh also I am not saying I am perfect either because holy crap I think we all learnt that with the tiny patch of what I have said about myself too, I have made a lot of mistakes but no I don't regret them because I have looked back at my past and learnt a lesson from the things I have done.
As for why do I think he will be any different towards the kids, well really I don't know. Sometimes I fear that oneday he might hurt them but I try to block that out of my mind, but if he ever did hurt them I think I would certainly do some domage... I might just lay there and cover my face when he belts me but if he touches the kids I will fight back for them. But I hope it never comes to that.
Cycle of abuse??



Friend4u187... Maybe in the back of my head I do know, but my heart is really fighting with my mind atm if that makes sense... I am confused and I just don't know what way to turn, and yes like I said just above yes the kids do know I am not happy and they know when I am scared. As for my interests the only ones I have atm is that for my kids to be happy normal kids who don't need to be scared when someone just yells because they know where yelling leads... that's not fair on them I just want them to know it isn't right.

As it goes for money, No I don't work, but I do bring in my own income, I pay my own way, his money is his money that's all there is too it... However He has only just been taken off bankrupt so I am sure you know what that means, So no I am not dependent on him for his money as I don't even get to see it, I used to know what he brought in but over the last 12 months I have not even seen a pay check or even $5 of his, I pretty uch pay for all the kids stuff and so forth and we split food and bills half way... you prob wonder how I get an income... We have a centerlink payment here, Coz I can not get a licance for a specific reason and that reason also makes getting a job hard for me I get a payment from them for that and I get A parenting payment too. But this also isn't that much really but I do stretch my every peny so that the kids never have to go without anything. On saying that though he will sometimes buy the kids stuff but his motto is that he works hard for his money so he shouldn't have to and my parening payment has to go towards them which means he doesn't need to pay for anything for them... if that makes sense

Where do you live?

Australia

You don't have to use your anger and pain to give you the strength to leave, but instead focus on the love for your children. Even if the upbringing you had taught you that you don't deserve better than he is giving, you don't have to pass that lesson along to your children. They already know the situation, and can't do more than they have to try to comfort you, and find comfort for themselves. They are learning through observation, and if you let them get the message that it is OK for men to behave that way, then how will they ever know otherwise when they grow up? Also, what happens a few years from now when they are big enough to try to protect mommy? Do you think daddy is going to care if he hurts them... he will believe it is their fault!
As far as thinking about taking him back again, he has done nothing to even suggest that he is at all interested in anything other than a little slave girl to meet his needs. If you want to meet someone's needs, think of your children... or volunteer somewhere... but don't think that by giving all of you love to someone who doesn't show any care toward you, that you can make them love you. It has to be give and take both ways.

True so true... one thing I don't get though is if that's all he wants me for, to be his little slave whatever then why does he say he wants to be with me but live apart after living with me for over 4yrs?

I would guess he wants to be with you so he can continue getting your goods, but also have time and space to play with others. After 4 years, he thinks you will go for it just to be able to serve the good master.

Yeah I suppose that could be true too
I didn't think of that

Expecting you to act as if everything is normal, and then being a jerk in private is the hallmark of an abuser. Get away from him. Leave now. There's 99% chance that he won't change except to get more abusive. He has no right to hit you, force sex on you, verbally abuse you, or humiliate you in order to appear to be in control. LEAVE NOW!

Thanks guys for all the advice, and its so good to hear it from someone outside the box, going by what everyone has said I will be thinking really hard about leaving. I know its what everyone around me is telling me to do but its to hear it from people who don't know me... Just finding the strength and courage is going to be hard but I know I can find it.
Thanks guys and gals

Crsipy... He does not even help pay for his kids, to get them what they need... That is the lowest of the low. Then he has the nerve to scream at you in front of them and hit you. After you are the one putting food in their mouth... I bet he puts you down for not working and getting public aid. You are doing it all. What do you need him for.Just think about it. All he is doing is stripping you of yourself respect. Yes, you can say I have a boyfriend and I have 4 years with him. But you don't really have a boyfriend. Friends do not treat you this way. People that love you do not treat you this way.
I bet he tries to keep you away from your family and friends.
On any given day depending upon his mood he will tell you. Your no good in bed, you're a bad housekeeper, your friends do not like you, your are a burden to your family... they never wanted you, you're a bad mother, your worthless, someday our kids will see the real you... on and on he'll choose a different topic each day or when he feels the need to put you in your place.
Then there are the times he gives you a little hope... he may mention the future or some things that you want, just enough to make you think it may all work out... all the while he is sampling new women on the side... just in case there's someone out there that is better than you are. That will put up with more crap than you. He'll keep doing this until he finds someone else or he ends up in jail or kills you. Accidents happen everyday, even deadly ones. The rage and need to vent may take control over him someday and he may not be able to stop with one hit, one punch... who's going to stop him . Your 3 year old child.

Hes really not like that, to that degree, For been any good in bed well he's only said a couple times that I wasn't any good but that's because sex bloody hurts! And for the job side of thing he actually doesn't want me working till the kids are in school and If I do work the only work I am aloud to do is night shift, which would be too much for me, I am tired enough by the time I go to bed at night without having to go to a job once I finish everything that's needed to be done at home.
As for seeing my family, well he don't need to stop me as I barely have a relationship with them anyway and those that I do are too far out, and well he will take me to see them once in a while but only under the terms that I play happy families, he used to take me every wkend and now I'm lucky if its even once every couple of months.
Yeah he get really mad if the house isn't kept in top shape, but he won't even put his dirty clothes in the clothes basket, but I dare not complain. He gets mad if I don't cook him what he wants, but I usually ask him the night before what he wants me to get out for him.
He would flip if he knew I was on here, He hates me coming online but I do it anyway when he's not home, or when he's asleep at night, the net is soly for his benefit and I can only use it when he's sitting with me, Which means no chatting to friends or nothing unless I want him to read every last speck of detail, but what he don't know don't hurt, The email I use for this he doesn't know exists... I guess you learn to cover your tracks over time.
He only really verbally abuses me when we have fights and stuff which then he uses words I rather not even repeat, As for where you say he would say I am worthless or a bad mother well I feel that a lot the times without him even saying it, ill say it to him and he will say no your not a bad mother wouldn't do what you do, and all this other stuff.
As for the future with him He doesn't talk about that he believes you should only think about the now and not the past or future. But I know it will all be his way anyway.
As for the part about accidents, that's all he recons his abused to me ever is, I didn't mean it you made me do it. You made me this way. And so on...

Hs allowed to do what ever he wants and you have to do as he says, or else.
I'm glad at least you are online and talking to people, please find you a group/counselor that you can talk with person to person. Here in the USA they will send a taxi to get you and your kids to a meeting, or even a safe house. It would be so helpful if you could find a group like that. These groups help you get housing,lawyers and stand by your side through it all.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up each morning knowing that you are not going to be put down, hit or forced to do something that you don't want to do. Your kids would blossom... they can't really be the kids they were meant to be because the fear hinders their growth and freedom. It's the same with you, wouldn't you be less tense and happier.
I know that I do not have him down pat as too how he treats you, but...
Go back and read to yourself what you wrote in your last post. Would you tell another person to settle for that behavior? You know it is wrong for you and your kids to live that way and it is up to you to take steps to stop it, only you can. No matter how sad we feel for you and your babies, we can only give you advice and suggestions, the rest is up to you.

Hi Mia
Bushg is right , we can only give you advise as to what we think you should do , the rest , whatever action you decide is up to you.

Bottom line is no one including you deserves to be treated like a slave and disrespect you are , you are still young and deserve to able to live a happy and fruitful life. That is not happening in your present situation and by the sound of it there are no signs of improvement.

Yeah I know that, But like I said All I want is outsiders appinions, yes I know its up to me to do the rest, But I am pretty confused on what to do, but reading what everyone is saying, it has made me reliese a few little things,
Bushg I re-read what I wrote, trying to look at my situation as though it was my daughters and no I wouldn't want a daughter, friend, son, or stranger to ever go through it, and looking at it like you said to just makes me feel stupid to a degree because I let myself be treated that way. But in saying that thank you for opening my eyes to my stupidity. Its so hard when you love them so much...
I think a lot of me is scared to tell him its over for good too... even my friends tell me they think I'm scared to start anything because when they have even a tiny disagreement with there partners I either put ear phones in my ears and blair my music up or walk out the room or scream at them and tell them to shut up... I don't even realise I do that though but that's what they tell me I do.

You deserve so much better then what he's giving you. No one deserves to be treated like he's treating u. it sounds to me like he just likes the fact of being able to pick you up whenever he feels he wants to. Also as though he has a control issues. If it were me, I would leave him and get custody of my children. My step "dad" was abusive to me and my mom and now she's still living there with him and I moved out by cps and now have nothing to do with either of them. Trust me when I say with him being present does not make a good environment for your kids. Also I'm sure what your going through right now with their dad is confusing the hell out of them.
I know it was me when this stuff started happening even at that young age...

Oh, honey your not stupid. It is not a shame to love someone. But you have to realize when it is not going anywhere. You were a child when you met him and now you are growing up and apart from him.
Even before we told you you knew that this relationship was wrong.. you just wanted strangers to confirm what you and your friends already knew.
Another reason people stay is because they consider it a failure to go. Staying with a stale realationship is one thing but I think he may really hurt you some day and no man is worth letting that happen... what would your babies do without you?
You don't have to leave right this minute... you can make your plans and then go... But keep your eyes open and watch him, listen to how he talks to you, how he talks to your kids. Does he have any interest in you or them. Watch him with your head and not your heart.
If he hits you please call the police on him... you have to show him that he can not strike you, I have known men and women to break up and then he still returns to beat the crap out of her when he feels like it because he can and he knows she will put up with it.

Don't tell him anything just leave when your ready... if you choose leave him a letter... but do not give him a chance to play his crying games.

Jbaby... Sorry to hear that you went through that... Yeah I think your right when you say that they are probably confused too, I do know if I ever have to leave the kids with them, i.e.. Just to go for a check up at the doctors, I get the water works and stuggle to leave as they try to hang off me. They stay with other people but won't stay with him, and I think that's got to say a lot.

bushg... yeah I know what your saying, and when you say they think its failure yep I agree there, I get that feeling all the time, I have failed my kids and my family and friends. I failed at been a girlfriend/partner/fiance and what not. But at the same time, I have a huge relief knowing we are not getting married when he proposed he told me we have to be ingaged for at least 3 or so years before we get married, which to me used to sound strange and I wanted it sooner, but now I do admit that I am relieved that he wants to start back at the beguinning because that means not getting married... yes it also relieves me with him saying that he wants me but wants to live apart for 6months because that means I got 6months of been able to live my life as my life, but it devistates me because I want him and I want to live with him not away from him, I am not sure if that makes sense to you but if it don't just say so.

You're afraid of being alone. But do it, it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Learn to just depend on yourself... once you do this then you will never fear being alone again. You are all you need in this life when it really comes down to it. You can control what you think and what you do..
He or I or anyone one can tell you this and that but when it comes down to junk, you can roll your eyes and think that person is so full of $hit. Because in reality no one can control you. When you realize this and act on it you will be so powerful and will never let anyone one crap on you again.

You have strength in you, you said yourself you had a crappy childhood... you made it through that and you have been through 4 years of hell with him. You have had 2 small kids back to back and have managed to keep it together for them. You could have been running the streets pawning them off on whoever would watch them. Spending your aid on yourself and partying but you choose to take care of them. It's hard enough to be a mom to babies so close together but add being abused financially,emotionally and physically abused on to that and it makes it 10 times harder. I'm sure your babies love you or your 3 year old would not be trying to make things better when his daddy is mean to you. Don't keep puttting yourself or them through this. You have strength or you would not be on this earth today. Believ me you can live with out him. Give it atry and get some counseling so that you don't end up like this again.

Maybe I have a little strength when you put it that way, but I do feel like I don't have the strength to do it but I think I just need to tell myself that I do have the strength because that's the only way I will find it.

1.Sit down with a sheet of paper and write down what all you have been through that you have survived, from childhood on. I don't care if it is walking 5 blocks with your kids loaded down with milk or laundry.
Be brutally honest with yourself.. no one but you will have to ever see this... I am sure that you left out a lot of hurtful things in your post.

2.Make another list of all he does good for you and your kids.

3.Make a list of all the hurtfull things he does to you and your kids... understand what he does to you effects them, as you are their caretaker, and how you feel makes a difference in the way you behave with them.

If you could hide that paper and each day, hour mark on it which behavior he is showing to you and your kids. That may help you even more seeing it on paper.

Writing it on paper would be like writing a novel, I know that as a fact, just my childhood is a novel in itself. I have done journalling many times, and I do keep a hidden folder on my laptop which he doesn't know I use which the first 5pages are a story I have written followed by the last 3pages so if he was to go through it unless he reads it all he will think its only a story, along with that I do put a page here and there that is part of that story I am very careful about logging events that happen because I have to be. I can't even read over them without breaking down.
I could never show anyone what I have logged it is stuff ill take to my grave with me.

Honey those logs could help you in court if it ever went that far.
So you can use writing as an outlet... that is good, you have ways to express yourself. Maybe you could go back to school and do something with your writing skills.

Maybe, But I really am not much of a writter I write because it is the only way I have ever known how to express myself without violance, I either punch a boxing bag or I will write. The whole punching/bocking bag is only new though, after he gets violent towards me I go out the back and pelt into I don't really know why, but like I said it is a new thing and I mean only within the past 6months...
But I do Intend On going back and getting an education as I quit school in grade 9, so as you can guess I haven't had a very good education either. I will go back so One day I can get a really good job so that my kids can have the life they deserve and not have to go without the things they NEED

My sister got married when she was 13, did not even complete the 8th grade. Is on her third husband and in her 3rd year of college at age 38. So anything is possible.. yeah we were raised in hell just like you were for the most part. You'll come out a fighter, when you get tired enough. Then low and behold anyone that tries and get in your way. You'll be like a mountain lion.

Damn ey 13 crap, still a child. So glad our law here stops that, Unless both parents agree on it and even then the courts need a really good reason before accepting your application to allow it to happen... I know this because My guy wanted me to marry him when I fell pregnant with our first, I was so relieved when It couldn't happen, and then after our son was born that's when he become violent towards me I then told him I couldn't marry him and broke the marriage off but I still stayed with him and he proposed again in jan 07 5months after our second child was born, I didn't really want it but I said yes and he said he wanted a long engagement anyway so that was a huge relief... To me I don't think marriage is important and I don't ever really want to get married, My parents devorce has just been finalised, my mum is onto her 4th marriage now and my dad has been married twice, and even though they were together most of my upbringing, I not only have had to see them battle it out in caught with nothing but hatred for each other but watched many others around me do the same... My older brother is getting married to his new mrs and has custurdy to his 2 kids from his previous partner and just had a baby to her, and my older sister has 2 kids to 2 different guys, so you can see it's a cycle happening here with my family, and I think that's why I don't want to get married.
Im sorry to hear that you had a bad upbringing.

I agree with you about marriage. To me it is simply a Fornication Under Consent of the King licence. I suppose it has other benefits, but I don't think they're worth the risk. Please don't marry him.

Yeah that's one way to put it, Nah I won't be esp not any time soon, I really am leaning towards leaving him for good and moving on with my life so me and my kids can be happy.

Don't lean, give it all you got to escape this trap your in, need help, then get it, and get gone. That what I would tell my daughter.

Yeah I would prob tell my daughter just that too, I guess I'm just finding it a real struggle I know what I have to do but doing it is another thing I suppose you could say, but It will happen, and it will happen within the month.

Know this is a comfort zone conflict, because you've been together so long.

Don't be worried about your two boys handling not having "dad" around all the time. My mother split with my cheating "dad" after giving him 2 chances. I always knew she made the right decision for our little family. She did it with everyone saying to her, stick with it, he's your husband. By the way, this was in the 80's. She knew she couldn't live her life so horrible with someone who didn't care anymore. So she moved out of her house, leaving lots of her own things behind and started fresh. Later on in life, she found someone new, who treated her respectively and kindly. She remarried happily and they have been together for 15 years. Imagine if she stayed all that time with a cheating/liar jerk. That environment wouldn't of been good for me as a child.

Yeah well that's true... still sucks that you and your mum had to go through that though...
But I am glad to hear she found happiness in the end...

Sounds like Britney Spears before she divorced her husband!!

If you don't see the severity of your case, please refer to Britney's. Only difference is that Kevin probably did not beat his wife up and did not think she is wrong all the time.

I don't think you are in love. You are merely in love with the idea of "Love". Wanting a family, a man to cuddle up to when (and if) he returns home, liking the fact that you are now a mother etc.

Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse. Do not keep telling yourself that you are still in love. Because, my dear, you are not...

Haha I don't know the whole Britney Spears case, I don't follow media on those lines..
As for been IN LOVE well I believe I am, I Have been in long term relationships and not so long term relationships, My other long term was puppy love and lasted 2yrs the days he cheated I walked out the door and never looked back... But you still could be right, I am not saying your wrong, but the way I feel for this man is almost compaired to the Love I have for my own children that's how strong it is, Except nothing will compare to the love of my kids as they are my own flesh and blood and anybody who has had there own children would understand what I mean by that.. And yes I am young, I am only 20, (well for the next wk) but the thing is age shouldn't come into this either)...
No I am not getting defensive here sorry if it sounds that way...
lavenderly I appricate your honnest opinion... But can I ask why do you say Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse?

But can I ask why do you say Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse?

An azz kicking is not love, A black eye or fractured ribs is not love. Accepting those things is not love. It's a sick and twisted version of control ,manipulation and degradation, as is name calling, it's a character attack to subjugate and promote power by taking away some ones self esteem. Nothing to do with love at all, all about CONTROL.

BUt because he does that to me, it doesn't mean that I don't love him. Because I do.

Please,please move out on his terms, and after he is an hour away from you make it YOUR terms. He is a manipulative selfish childish man. You can certainly have a better life with him out of the picture.

Crispy chick , when you first met him how did you feel about his parents,siblings and extend family aunts and uncles? Is his mom and dad together?

Well he didn't know his mum back then, he's only found his mum in the past few months, but she's awesome haven't met her yet though... His dad when I met him, meh okay I guess, we get on okay but he's a real prick too... as for siblings same as his mum,

DO they know how he treats you... Does his dad treat his women like his son does?

Don't know how he treats him really, because he lives a fair way away, but he is a jerk and is emotionally abusive but not sure about physically my guy recons his dads never hit him in his life... but his dad is ill and has ms which can explain why he's verbally nasty...
HIs dad don't know how he treats me, I've told his mum a tiny bit and she says I shouldn't put up with it and stuff... but I can't tell her much because she is his mum after all and she don't even know him she hasn't seen him since he was 6

No, even if you told her everything it probably would not do much good. You think maybe he has a problem with all women because his mom wasn't around to help take care of him? Does he bad mouth women in general women can't drive, they are inferior to men that sort of talk?

Nah he's genreally really nice to all chicks, he acts to others how he used to act towards me when we first met

Kind of, caring, compassionate, loving you know all the great things that you won't in a bloke...

Yeah, he probably is on the surface until they do somehting that angers him. What does he do if a woman cuts him off in traffic, if a waitress does not get his order correct, if a woman in public generally pi$$es him off does he give her hell esp.. once he gets out of hearing range. Believe me no matter who he is with he is going to mistreat them. He may want you to believe that it is only you that he treats that way, but if there is another woman after you he will be the same with her as long as she sticks around and takes it.

True... Well, I know when were driving in the car and someone cuts him off he starts swearing and stuff and I get really annoyed about it and go off at him because I can't stand it... but that's all I really know since I don't get to see what he's like around others that much because I don't really go out, but those who I do see him around he just acts like the greatest man in the world, makes me want to cry because I want that man back

Crispy... really all of this is about what you are willling to put up with.
You see what life is like living with him, so you know what you have to look forward to are you willing to put up with a man treating you like that?

Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore, But then other times I tell myself love can concor all things and think I can live the rest of my life with him the way he is... But I also know everyone has a breaking point and there have been times where I have almost reached that. So yeah I don't know how much more I can deal with, or if its just time to quit now while I am still ahead and able to still stand strong to some degree

Hi Again,
Just so you know my mom still loved my "dad" when she left him and filed for divorce. She knew he didn't love her from the way he treated her. He would buy her expensive gifts and all that, but he hurt her twice with cheating. So she was done and left him.

I know what you mean though about that feeling of love conquers all. Do this for me though, rate % of happiness against miserable. When my mom was with my "dad", she was 80% unhappy and 20% happy. If your more happy with him than not, than maybe there is still a chance for your relationship. My mom gave me this helpful tip, if your guy respects and loves his mom, than he will respect and love you. It's just how it is.

Hey again... Well he has never had a relationship with his mum, he hasn't seen her since he was 6 and she is only new back into his life when I found her by mistake (a whole other story) So as for his feelings towards his mum I don't know what they are...
As for percentage of happyiness, I am more happy then unhappy however he does work 12 hour days and I only see him over an evening/night and wkends, We pretty much fight every wkend even if its only a small fight of him yelling at me because I haven't done something he wanted me to do... I really can say probably maybe a 50/50 percentage of happiness when he is around, that does not enclude when he is home sleeping only the time that we actually spend together.

Well, that makes it tough doesn't it? 50/50
I just think it's wrong how he is treating you. He's treating you like he owns you more than anything. I think he knows you won't leave him and that's why he feels he can get away with ordering you around like he does. Really, if he wants to be a good dad he would give a good example how you should treat a lady, ex or not. You feel belittled when he yells at you in front of the kids and disrespected as there mother.
Though, the kids are young they do see how dad is being mean to their mom. They also see you putting up with it, like it's okay to treat a woman like that. I would never want my children to see how a man can treat a woman harshly like that because later in life the daughter will feel it's okay when it happens to her and your sons just might disrespect woman like their father is doing. They are being taught human behavior while they witness these scenes.
I know the road will be tough without the extra "help" but it sounds to me like your doing everything yourself anyway. No one wants to be alone either but I think you need a MAN not a pathetic whiny little boy in your life.

Get away from this man, he is absuive physically and emotinally. Move out, go to your family. You and your children don't derserve that he is bad news. He is a liar and a cheat. THe most important thing to you should be is yourself and your two boys, nothing else.

I think I know the reason why you are glued to this man. You mentioned that you had many past relationships, be it short term or long term, but only this man kept you feeling that thing you called "Love".

It is because you started a family with him! He is the father to your beloved children.

Hey... but loving your children does not mean loving him. You are really in deep trouble here. If you do not believe me, go through all those answers posted here. You have so many replies coming in, telling you to really think hard and long, some even blatantly told you to leave the nasty man.

At your age, I know you will probably erase this episode of confusion and sadness and stick with the things and life that you are so familiar with, that is the chaotic life you are having now.
Having many past relationships does not mean that you have learnt what you need to know. Because it is well acknowledged that people do get involved and attracted to the same type of partners even after some heartbreaking breakups.

U could be attracted to the same type of guys. Maybe they do have their own specialties. But what I am trying to get at is... there are thousands of incredible guys out there. In fact, there could be billions of fantastic guys that would want u (if you think your current man is already a nice person).

U need to talk to someone you trust. Maybe a close relative or some youth guidance programs. If u do not take action now, you may regret for the rest of your life when you are too deep in sh*t.

Hey again Guys/Girls.
Thanks for the replys...
I Have been doing a lot of thinking and taking into account of what everyone here is saying and... As much as it hurts and breaks my heart, I really think I will be going this time... I Go to my foster Parents place next wkend and when I am down there I will be having a very serious talk to them.. (they are the only people I can talk to and fully trust [about this]).
Between Now and Then I will just be gathering all my thoughts and everything like that...
Just my kids and I will be going down there As it is my Birthday and well my now ex has his own plans which works out awesome for me as I will be able to talk without worrying that he might be listening from just behind the corner and what not...
I have sort of told my foster parents bits and pieces that's be going on and all that but not a lot and not the full detail as we mostly talk over the fone when he's at work and well I know calls chats and sometimes be recorded and well yep I am very careful what I say because of that..
Anyway I have to run in case the ex gets home (hes just gone to get milk) because he will flip if he catches me on his internet...
Chat to us next week
Chow

Good luck Mia... and remember to keep us posted :-)

Hey well my wkend went fast which was great, I go to my foster parents place in 4 days so I will let ya's know what happens when I return from there's in a week.. will keep you posted
Cheers guys

Crispy.. I hope you enjoy not having to obey his commands. Enjoy yourself maybe this will be the beginning of a craving for a fresh start.

Maybe It will be. At least I will be able to talk and not worry about him hearing what I say.

Maybe It will be. Atleast I will be able to talk and not worry about him hearing what I say.

See... now wouldn't be nice to go through the rest of your life not having to worry what ANYBODY thinks , and saying what you want?

I am so proud of you Mia for having the courage to come forward and ask complete strangers for help and the fact you are actually doing something about your horrible situation. I was an abused wife and was beaten on a regular basis. I won't go into that except to say that he got his in the end and spent some time in jail for something completely different from beating me. I know first hand how traumatic that can be.

Please, please move as far away from him as you can and do not contact him or let him know where you are EVER. I escaped with my life and very few possessions. I got divorced from him and only wanted my freedom. Thank goodness you never married this monster - at least he can't legally demand anything from you ever again.

I thought you were in America until I read you were in Australia. I was completely taken by surprise to know that, but I guess abusive men are everywhere and we don't have exclusive rights to them here!

Ask the Lord for help to help guide you and your precious children out of this miserable situation so that you can be happy elsewhere. I'll keep, you dear one, in my prayers.

twinkiedooter, Thank you for you comment, you know I have read dozens of stories on survivors of abusive relationships but the truth is unless you been there you can't understand what they were feelings and all the rest, so Its hard to talk to people about a situation they have never been in, and Its good to hear from those who have been through it, that know how you possibly feel and stuff like that, yes everyone cops differently with situations but when your in a situation like this as different as it may be you still have some understanding... this isn't the first abusive guy I have been with either. The guy I was with before this guy was the same, actually a lot worse, and bashed me on dayly basis, it's a very long story but to cut it short I met this guy one day and been the drug attick I used to be I went back to his place and got high and drunk with him, had sex and all the rest of the things that you do and before I knew it even though I didn't see it as a relationship; he owned me, and I just couldn't leave every time I tried id have my head smacked in, and that's how I met my recent guy... he was on holidays and was staying with mates who lived in the same set of units as this guy and he saw how this guy was treating me, every time I got 5 minutes away from this he would come and talk to me and tell me how I need to get out of there and all this stuff, he grew to fully understand what was going on and one day he stood up to this guy, he called the cops for back up and all... anyway things got real nasty and when the cops rocked up he fled and the cops chased him but he got away, the next day we read in the paper that he was highly wanted in NSW and QLD for many reasons... the guy Im living with now put off going home for a while and over the next couple of months we became great friends then a relationship grew from that, but very little did I know that he would turn into the violent guy he is now... and he always tells me how his abuse towards me doesn't compare to the ex's abuse towards me and so on and how I made him this way and all the rest... I think the past could be what's making it that much harder to find the courage to actually leave even with the fact that he's pretty much giving me the all clear to leave, by saying he wants to be with me but live apart for 6months and all the rest.. I also love him so much... Even though people say I don't because this isn't love. But I also love my kids and they have to come first and that's why I know I have to get them out of this...
Its hard when it comes to the kids, After all they are his kids too, Some say don't let him see them at all, some say he has all rights to them and some say only let him see them under visitation rights through docs... so its really hard. I want the kids to have a father but at the same time I don't think he will care for them as well as he should after all he doesn't do much for them as it is...

Yeah I can garentee there's at least one abusive guy in every country. Just some places its really kept under the coller, people don't talk about it... over here we have adds on TV about stopping abuse against women...

Amongst other things, I had my very long beautiful hair yanked and I was thrown against walls. I had my glasses slapped off my face. I had my pelvis broken and could not stand or walk for weeks. I had my leg yanked and pulled off a raised platform bed to land on a concrete floor on my back cracking my lower back vertebra. I had a 357 Magnum handgun (like the one Dirty Harry had in the movie) pointed in my face and the trigger pulled (the gun was not loaded but I did not know that at the time). I had to run for my life to keep from getting run down by my own Jeep. I have also been controlled emotionally by a real controlling person. When I was in the hospital with the broken pelvis and broken vertabrae (this was back in 1979), I was told by the policeman who came to my room that he would not take a report from me as it would only lead to them arresting my then husband and me not going through with the charges and essentially wasting their time! Ha. Wasting their time! The woman in the next room had been beaten to a pulp by her husband and subsequently died. Things in America have changed quite a bit now and even if the woman drops the charges the state picks them up and the abuser goes to jail. Wish things were that way back then.

Guess what? I now live with my adult son and haven't dated in several years and don't plan on it as I've had enough.

This is just me. But I can tell you one thing I'm much happier now than I've ever been. Gets lonely sometimes, but I figure hey, I'm going to be dead soon so I'm going to enjoy me now.

Yes, your children need a father, but does it really have to be him? No. There are many wonderful men out there who would just love you and love your kids too. Just because someone is a biological mother or father does not make them good parents. Please try to remember this. Your children are young enough now to let another man into their lives to be their daddy. One who will truly love and cherish them.

Please, for your sake and your son's sake, please spend some precious time alone without the BF and see how YOU feel about everything. Don't jump to conclusions or make any rash decisions just yet. Meditate on you and your boys and think about what kind of life you want for you and for them.

Wow that's a lot to deal with, I am lucky I haven't had any serious injuries... plenty of bruses and a lot of pain but nothing serious enough to end me in hospital or anything... I am only a small person, Im pretty skinny but my bones are strong and can take a lot and that's a big plus in my situation... I get thrown against walls, dragged off the bed, punched across the face, strangled belted into a number of times while he sits ontop of me so I can't move, I just cover my face and take it, Hes knocked my glasses off my face several times when doing to me, and it hurt, physically and emotionally, If something isn't up to his standards I will know about it. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, I know about it... Ive been lucky in a few factors where he's wanted something and I have said no and he has respected that... i.e. making our own sex video and having 3somes but a lot of the time its done his way... Ive had him strip my clothes off me because he didn't like me wearing that piece of clothing.. and a lot of stuff like that.

I know I want a better life then the one I am living atm, But I love my man even though he treats me like scum and I want to be with him, so Its really hard to work it all out..
I only got till the end of the month to figure it all out too because that's when our lease ends..
Im going to my foster parents this wkend with just the kids as I will be turning 21 so my foster mum has made out they don't know nothing and asked him to bring us down, He doesn't want to stay down there because he wants to go out with his friends, but he knows if I am with them I can't get up to anything as they are full Christians but yeah so I think that's the only reason he lets me go there without him because I don't get to go to friends places without him or anything... But yeah so this wkend will give me time to rationalise things and work out what I will be doing and stuff. So I just hope it all goes well.

I've had worse done to me than what I described, but you sure get the picture. I'm only 5'2" and tiny boned.

What you need, young lady, is some self esteem, and you will see that you do not need him or the life he has imposed upon you. Go to your local library and see if they have any books on self esteem. You'll find them in the self help section or ask the librarian for help picking out one.

Please read it and then do some real soul searching. Being only 21 you're just too young to throw your life away without a chance to really be you and blossom into the woman you should be.

No, reading the book won't magically change your life literally overnight, but you'll get a much better idea of just what's really being done to you and what you need to do to change yourself. Maybe you will be able to take off the "rose colored glasses" and see the reality of your situation and why it needs to change.

Ain't that much love in th world worth taking an a$$ whuppin' for. NO WAY,NO HOW!! GET OUT and STAY OUT.

Twinkiedooter I will Do that, I will get hold of some self esteem books when I am able too and I will read them- after all it can't hurt, and I like to real on accasions.
talaniman, I'd like to arguee that matter but I know I will loose anyway, but sometimes you do feel like they are worth it no matter what they do to u

talaniman, I'd like to arguee that matter but I know I will loose anyway, but sometimes you do feel like they are worth it no matter what they do to u
I know you do, and its not the first time I've heard that from an abused female. Its part of the low self esteem issue, where you accept such treatment, because you feel you deserve it, so you go along with it. Your fear of being alone, and on your own has you stuck, but some good therapy will lead you to more healthy thinking and actions. They have some really good people at a woman's shelter to guide you through this process, and I really feel you could benefit from this experience, and learn that men are very sick, when they abuse there wives and make bad role models, that continue this cycle, through their children, who witness this violence. Don't you think your husband learned this from his home life when he was young? So what do you think your children will learn? The cycle of abuse continues. Another point to consider is why you don't love yourself enough to demand much better treatment, yet you love the abuser more than yourself? Even you know that is not healthy, and again makes for an unequal dysfunctional family setting. Get out and get help ASAP. Don't doom your sons and daughters to what your going through. Is that fair to them?

You do make a good point there... Do I believe it? I don't know, but I know this It don't hurt to look into it and try and understand exactly what it means and find out if its really true.. My man recons his dad has never laid a hand on him in his life... and well his mother wasn't there growing up so I know she didn't either, well if she did then not from a very young age...

Crispy maybe he did not hit your boyfriend. Maybe he downgraded woman or hit the women he was involved he may have been really controlling. Maybe he was bitter because your boyfriend mom was not around to help and all he heard was how awful women were. Your boyfriend learned not to respect women from somewhere.
Maybe his father was not involved in his life teaching him right from wrong and he picked this up from his friends, songs, movies, the neighborhood... who knows. But you know its wrong regardless of where he picked it up.

What is the bigger issue, is why you think it is OK for you to be somebodies punching bag, both phyiscally and mentally. You deserve better and so do your kids. You have to be the one to stop it.

I saw in a post where you said this boyfriend had gotten you away from a boyfriend that was abusing you. That must tell you that before you proceed with another relationship... you must find a way to stop getting involved with another guy that is going to abuse you. You have to get into some type of counseling so that you can understand what is going on in your head.

You do make a good point there... Do I believe it?? I dunno, but I know this It dont hurt to look into it and try and understand exactly what it means and find out if its really true.. My man recons his dad has never laid a hand on him in his life... and well his mother wasnt there growing up so I know she didnt either, well if she did then not from a very young age....

I respectfully ask you to forget the cause, for now, and deal with the effects, on you and your children.

Hey OK so I said I would Update you all on my wkend, so here goes.
Had an awesome time with my foster parents, and They are helping me get my own place as that's what I have decided I want to do... But if I don't have one within 3 weeks then they want me to move in with them. But anyway so yeah. Its been a pretty emotional time, had a great birthday with them though, even though I did get somewhat emotional, but they always know how to cheer me up which is great.
But yeah, well not a lot to tell, Its really late here and everyone is asleep so I am taking advantage of it,. Been packing most of today, and he knows I am leaving, but he doesn't believe me saying that I will be back yadda yadda but the truth is I won't be.
He still doesn't know my foster parents know, he thinks I am just trying to get my own place so yeah... but he still standing by wanting me but wanting to live apart so he says so I think that's why he's been so leaniant about letting me go and stuff, because last time I tried to leave it was much much harder, and frightening and I think that's what's making it so hard this time, because of everything that happened then.. which in the end made me stay. I love him but I love my children more and I can't keep doing this to them
Anyway Not much to say really so I will leave it at that.
Take care and have fun
Cheers

Crispy it is nice to know that you are moving forward. Let him think whatever he wants too as long as you can get out of there without fighting. If he tries to make you stay, leave even if you have to have the police called. You know he could get pi$$y when he sees you are really going. I wish you could have people there with you on the day you are leaving or leave while he is at work.