Thanks, I mean I know that she is feeling something, maybe not to the extent that I am since she wanted this.
You are correct as her feelings are not the same as yours. Thats why she is living her life and your wondering about yours.


I mean she really hasn't given me a reason not to trust or believe her in the past.
The past is over and its the present and it isn't her who is confused, but you since she has told you everything you need to know, thats why you are not together because she doesn't want a relationship with you.

Even after this I would still forgive her for putting me through this, its just the way I am I guess. No thats not the way you are but I do understand your hurt, confused and in denial. That why you would take her back, to get back to your comfort zone and be happy again.


I know all I can do is move on
Your correct again, thats what you should do and accept its over.

then see what happens but its just hard and I always wonder if she is truly thinking about me and us or just trying to forget and start over with new people.She is enjoying her own life without you. She is doing what you should be doing, but can't.

Thanks for your insight and advice. I will hopefully be better later after work when I can get out and go do something.Did you read the links in my signature?? You should.

OK everyone thanks for all your advice. Right now my last main question is how do I go about things and what do I do to allow myself to have a chance with her in the future. Months down the road most likely. What do I do to not ruin a shot at being with her again? I know for now things will probably be how they are but as I start to move on and accept the situation I still want to leave things in a way that we could possibly start again in the future if possible. Do I still talk to her here and there when she calls and stuff? Do I see her if she asks? I just don't want to ruin any chance I may get down the road. If we go about things like we are now, talking every once in a while, how do I handle her birthday in early November? Would I get her a gift? Do I take her out to dinner? I just don't want to make anything worse that would prevent us, if we are really meant to be, from getting back or even thinking about getting back together. Thanks again.

Sorry bummed, you get a life and see what the future holds like the rest of us humans. There are no miracle answers or solutions, other than get over it and enjoy your life without her.

Sorry bummed, you get a life and see what the future holds like the rest of us humans. There are no miracle answers or solutions, other than get over it and enjoy your life without her.

Yeah I figured, it was worth a shot though. I guess we just have to go on and see what happens from here. Thanks

You know as soon as I start to come to grips with the situation I am in , something in my head changes and I start to get emotional and don't want to believe it. Its really weird, its like all day I was OK, not great but I was dealing with it and then around 4 pm I start to feel really emotional and want to ball my eyes out. I think about what I have to do to move on and grow as a person but something happens to me and I just feel like I don't want to do that and there has to be another way. I wish I could just get over this and start to feel better. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that everythign will work out for me , and maybe us, who knows but something happens where I feel that's not good enough. I wish I was more emotionally strong during this time. Well I am just venting here, feel free to comment although I know everything has pretty much been said already.

You are in great company, and having those mystery weaknesses at weird times, is so annoying, but common to us all. Trust me you have a lot of empathy to your plight.

You are in great company, and having those mystery weaknesses at weird times, is so annoying, but common to us all. Trust me you have a lot of empathy to your plight.


Thanks Tali, I know with everyone's support and my friends and family I will get through this. I just wished it would happen now, either we get back together now or move on now. Its hard to think that everything is so unknown. Well Thanks again. Hopefully the weekend won't be as bad as last weekend and I can keep myself busy so I don't wonder what she is doing every two seconds.

Yeah... there's no lying to you: those ups and downs are going to be around for a very long time.
But, the second half to that truth is that, there is no lying to you, YOU WILL GET OVER IT. This is just something you're going to have to go through, and it's going to be very hard, but the emotional dust will settle eventually.
Don't stress your mind to death about thinking that you've lost the love of your life. Instead, just think that for the "time being" you two are apart (because no one knows what the outcome of the future is). So, for the time being, since you two are apart, and you have more time for yourself, what are all the great plans you have? What are all the things you're doing or going to do?

Yeah...there's no lying to you: those ups and downs are going to be around for a very long time.
But, the second half to that truth is that, there is no lying to you, YOU WILL GET OVER IT. This is just something you're going to have to go through, and it's going to be very hard, but the emotional dust will settle eventually.
Don't stress your mind to death about thinking that you've lost the love of your life. Instead, just think that for the "time being" you two are apart (because no one knows what the outcome of the future is). So, for the time being, since you two are apart, and you have more time for yourself, what are all the great plans you have? What are all the things you're doing or going to do?


Thanks sad, definitely like the way that sounds. We are not together now, so do what I want to do, the future is unknown so I shouldn't feel like I have lost her forever. That made me feel better, thanks again.

I don't understand why you are so extremely persistent with her. If she wants to take a break from you, it is definitely a good sign that she's questioning weither or not she's even attracted to you anymore, or wants to date you at all. "Taking breaks" are the most moronic, selfish thing I have ever heard of. She's taking a "break" from you because she wants to see if she can find something better than you, but also keep you there just in case she can't, and needs someone to run back to. If she loved you as much as she should, she would never even mention something like taking a break, because she couldn't imagine being away from you. My advice, don't take that bull. Don't be dragged along by her like a desperate fool; what she's doing is pathetic. There are MANY other fish in the sea, she's trying to move on, so why don't you?

I don't understand why you are so extremely persistant with her. If she wants to take a break from you, it is definitly a good sign that shes questioning weither or not shes even attracted to you anymore, or wants to date you at all. "Taking breaks" are the most moronic, selfish thing I have ever heard of. Shes taking a "break" from you because she wants to see if she can find something better than you, but also keep you there just in case she can't, and needs someone to run back to. If she loved you as much as she should, she would never even mention something like taking a break, because she couldnt imagine being away from you. My advice, dont take that bull. Don't be dragged along by her like a desperate fool; what shes doing is pathetic. There are MANY other fish in the sea, shes trying to move on, so why don't you?

Yeah well I am pretty sure that she won't find someone better than me and if she does and that's what she wants then I can't do anything about it. I know its selfish on her part but it looks like this happens to a lot of people and sometimes they work out for the best in their future and sometimes not. I am just going day by day and seeing what happens from here. I am trying to not think about what she's doing or where she is since we aren't together right now. I don't want to be dragged along and I am trying to not give in to calling her or texting her. I don't know if she is trying to move on and forget about me but we will have to see what the future holds. I am just trying to become a better person that anyone would be happpy to be around.

Sounds like a great plan.

Sounds like a great plan.


Thanks, it sounds good, now I just have to go out and do it.

Yeah well i am pretty sure that she wont find someone better than me and if she does and thats what she wants then i can't do anything about it. i know its selfish on her part but it looks like this happens to a lot of people and sometimes they work out for the best in their future and sometimes not. i am just going day by day and seeing what happens from here. i am trying to not think about what shes doing or where she is since we arent together right now. i dont want to be dragged along and i am trying to not give in to calling her or texting her. i dont know if she is trying to move on and forget about me but we will have to see what the future holds. i am just trying to become a better person that anyone would be happpy to be around.



If you've been together for 4 years, then getting over her isn't going to be an easy thing at all. But I believe that she's out having fun, hooking up with other guys, trying to experiment with other people. It would be good for you as well if you tried to do the same. Go out and see what's out there for you. After that, if you and her are meant to be, then fate will definitely bring you together again.

If you've been together for 4 years, then getting over her isn't going to be an easy thing at all. But I beleive that shes out having fun, hooking up with other guys, trying to experiment with other people. It would be good for you as well if you tried to do the same. Go out and see whats out there for you. After that, if you and her are meant to be, then fate will definitly bring you together again.


Yeah I think so, all I am doing now is waiting to see when that moment of truth comes. When we both really know that this is either going to work again or isn't. I will try to go out probably tomorrow night and hang out with friends and whatever. I am just really trying to not think about what she's up to or with who. That's what is on my mind more than anything. Anyway thanks for the replies I appreciate the words of wisdom.

Hey bummed... go get in the shower... go get some nice duds on... put some colonge on and get spiffy. IT IS FRIDAY NIGHT AND YOU ARE GOING OUT!! Call the guys and have them meet you.

How is that for taking control of the situation being you won't??

Dude, we have all the support we need here, I've found the perfect place to go when down. I'm looking forward in a way to all this because as I said, it's all for the best, and even if it doesn't work out, at least you AND I both know we tried, and maybe we're just too good for our respective exes. Don't drink alone though. The mind wanders.. Then the unnecessary messages that you'll regret, and then the fighting that follows, and then you're worse off than before you had a drink! I planned on getting hammered with a bottle of whiskey, but decided to just drink Coke! Hopefully a well earned, well NEEDED night out tomorrow will work me wonders. If she has the nerve to say she wants space to do it, why can't you. Make her worry SICK about you and pretend you didn't hear your phone at all cause of the loud music, talking to people, but DON'T mention other girls, cause you'll push her to top you and its easier for a girl to get a guy than a guy to get a girl I feel. Or maybe that's just me!! =(

Yeah well i am pretty sure that she wont find someone better than me and if she does and thats what she wants then i can't do anything about it. i know its selfish on her part but it looks like this happens to a lot of people and sometimes they work out for the best in their future and sometimes not. i am just going day by day and seeing what happens from here. i am trying to not think about what shes doing or where she is since we arent together right now. i dont want to be dragged along and i am trying to not give in to calling her or texting her. i dont know if she is trying to move on and forget about me but we will have to see what the future holds. i am just trying to become a better person that anyone would be happpy to be around.


EXCELLENT PLAN! Stay positive :) There are so many more things to do "right now" than to just focus on her.

Hey bummed... GO OUT!! It will be fun!

Yeah thanks everyone. I am actually waiting to see what's going on so we will see where I am going tonight. Tomorrow I know I am probably going to the hard rock hotel and casino down here and hit up some bars and clubs. Oh and jornny, if they don't see how good of guys we are and what we did for them then you know what, I guess we will have to find someone that does. Harder said than done , but in due time it will happen.

Excellently said Bummedout, I haven't been out in AGES for nights out. Twas over 3 yrs ago before I met my ex when I was between girlfriends, that I used to go to the city centre ALONE to live gigs and just meet random people and have a great time. Ramones tribute bands are the best shows to go to cause EVERYONE is cool. Ramones for life, and you've made a friend for life!!

Exactly! So go with the plan and go out... I am told that you will feel better after a little... love?

Yeah, but don't go chasing anything with a pulse looking for a one nighter... that might put you into a VERY different forum.. Dealing with unwanted pregnancies, stds, threesomes!

Like I said, that is what I was told... but being I am not a guy... I wouldn't know. Most women think very differently on the topic. :O)

So star, did you read MY story? What's your opinion, from another girls perspective? I got some good tips from one earlier which helped. In fact, just check out my entries for my subject for a full run through.

Yeah, but don't go chasing anything with a pulse looking for a one nighter... that might put you into a VERY different forum...! Dealing with unwanted pregnancies, stds, threesomes!


Nah, I am not like that anyway and either way I am still not over my ex so it be hard to really be with anyone else right now, unless she was super hot. Well thanks for all the support and talk.

All right guys, last night I was doing pretty well, I didn't reallly get too emotional and tried not to think about what was going on. It seems like every morning I start having dreams and thinking about everything going on and how much I miss this girl. So... I keep telling myself to leave her alone and not to call or talk to her unless she initiates contact which I think I can do. But, the next time she calls, I keep having this urge to ask her one last time what she really wants from me, if she is going to date this other guy or if she is just seeing what happens. I mean, I know she doesn't have to tell me anything but I just want her to be honest with me. The fact she would rather spend time with others than me who she claims to care about is really bothering me. So should I talk to her one last time to really see what she is thinking and where all this is going? I know I may not like the answer but sometimes I still don't know what the hell she wants to do, and if she is wanting me to stay around in case she changes her mind. Well, I was just thinking all of this , this morning and I know its probably been repeated. But I just need to write it out and get it out. Thanks

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy b/c we didnt really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didnt want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and i understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. it has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devasted, telling her how much i love her and how much she means to me. She has been goin out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that i shouldn't contact her but it is really hard b/c we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how i feel about her and i dont know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isnt ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work i dont work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and i dont want to lose her, should i keep fighting or just hold off for a while? thanks for any help and advice.
Maybe she feels consumed... give her space... get to know her outside the relationship you guys used to have and realise her needs. Sounds Easy but I know it isn't... give her space... dating since high school isn't easy, congrats but let her spread her wings a little and be in the background showing you are there and you care... Time will tell..

maybe she feels consumed... give her space...... get to know her outside the relationship you guys used to have and realise her needs. Sounds Easy but I know it isn't..... give her space......dating since high school isn't easy, congrats but let her spread her wings a little and be in the background showing you are there and you care..... Time will tell..

Thanks, I know she probably feels like she needs to find herself and see what she wants in life, its just hard to let go, for now at least. I still plan to talk to her when she calls and be supportive in her school work and everything but will those only land me in the friend zone or will she see that I really care about her as a person and want the best for her?

If she still calls... be responsive. You still have a chance man. My best friend is an ex that I dated for three years. My current gal doesn't understand but hell I never thought she could. Lol

if she is wanting me to stay around in case she changes her mind.
This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.

This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.


I am not saying that I am sticking around for her to change her mind. I want to know if she is the one expecting me to be waiting around for her as soon as she decides she doesn't want someone else or to come back to me. Because I want her to know that she could lose me forever and to think about if she really wants that.

i am not saying that i am sticking around for her to change her mind. i want to know if she is the one expecting me to be waiting around for her as soon as she decides she doesnt want someone else or to come back to me. because i want her to know that she could lose me forever and to think about if she really wants that.

Yep. You have to show her the consequences of her decision. So far you were showing zero consequences because even if she leaves you and goes with someone else, in the back of her mind, she knows she can just come back whenever she pleases. (She doesn't actually sit there and plan this out, but this in unconsciously what you've helped her feel).

Again, the worst thing you can do is ask her questions about wanting you, still loving you, giving it another chance, or whether she is dating another guy. Because if she is not talking, it means she is NOT READY to decide anything. Stop trying to make yourself more comfortable through making her uncomfortable. Her job is not to make you feel okay and to go to bed more easily. She has not been put on this earth to feed your emotional needs, especially when she says she is thinking she wants "out". Whatever decision she makes, you have to end things with saying "okay, we had some great times together, and you know I love you and wish things were different, but I want to respect your decision. I also don't want to make it any harder to move on, so i think it's best we part and go our seperate ways." And show maturity. Make sure the last impression is the best and that it is something to think about.

Someone said this on my thread and I think it's gold to tell an ex who wants out of the relationship, "We can't be friends right now because I feel that we had more than friendship, so maybe someday when we're both ready we can be friends".

Those two lines, if she ever comes out and tells you that she has finally decided it's over, will put your mind at ease. You know why? Because you won't worry about thinking, "well should i tell her or remind her that I love her? I mean the No Contact could make her think I'm not trying...etc..." --> you won't have to worry about thinking any of that. They tell her the most important key messages: that you love her, that she is the one deciding to call it quits, and that you are not in her life from now on.

Anyway, remember what I said about this only being a "right now" situation. Right now you two are apart. But no one knows what the future holds.

So because you can't control this situation right now, why don't you focus on the things you can control instead? Like all the things you're suppose to do to better yourself. Those things are in your hands, and not hers. So let's see what you do!

Yep. You have to show her the consequences of her decision. So far you were showing zero consequences because even if she leaves you and goes with someone else, in the back of her mind, she knows she can just come back whenever she pleases. (She doesn't actually sit there and plan this out, but this in unconsciously what you've helped her feel).

Again, the worst thing you can do is ask her questions about wanting you, still loving you, giving it another chance, or whether she is dating another guy. Because if she is not talking, it means she is NOT READY to decide anything. Stop trying to make yourself more comfortable through making her uncomfortable. Her job is not to make you feel okay and to go to bed more easily. She has not been put on this earth to feed your emotional needs, especially when she says she is thinking she wants "out". Whatever decision she makes, you have to end things with saying "okay, we had some great times together, and you know I love you and wish things were different, but I want to respect your decision. I also don't want to make it any harder to move on, so i think it's best we part and go our seperate ways." And show maturity. Make sure the last impression is the best and that it is something to think about.

Someone said this on my thread and I think it's gold to tell an ex who wants out of the relationship, "We can't be friends right now because I feel that we had more than friendship, so maybe someday when we're both ready we can be friends".

Those two lines, if she ever comes out and tells you that she has finally decided it's over, will put your mind at ease. You know why? Because you won't worry about thinking, "well should i tell her or remind her that I love her? I mean the No Contact could make her thing I'm not trying...etc..." --> you won't have to worry about thinking any of that.

Anyway, remember what I said about this only being a "right now" situation. Right now you two are apart. But no one knows what the future holds.

So because you can't control this situation right now, why don't you focus on the the things you can control instead? Like all the things you're suppose to do to better yourself. Those things are in your hands, and not hers. So let's see what you do!


Thanks sad, well said.

You know, you can't live your live waiting on other people. If you do, you will lead a very empty life. It is high time that you realized the potential of this situation. You have the ability to reinvent yourself, this a fresh start. All of the other things that you wanted to do with the ex and never did, you can do those now for someone else. I know you have a past, but so does everyone else... but not everyone that had a past is together. But, that is a good thing. If all that it took to be a compatible couple was having a past together, well... there wouldn't be divorce. People change, things change, times change. Just because you were right for each other when you were kids, doesn't mean that you are right for each other now. If someone never matured or changed from the time they were 18, society would go no where. Different life experiences teach us things about ourselves... and we make decisions about the future based on those experiences. Although at the present time, the situation is not in your favor... you can make it that way by the way you look at it. This is just a growing experience... some of them are more painful than others... but the more painful it is... the more you can learn from the situation. So, look and the situation and what can you learn about it? Don't think of it as what you will change for your ex... because she is out of the picture. What does this experience teach you about yourself? Does it teach you about what you need in a relationship? Stability... free spirit, etc. Does it teach you how you want to treat others? Perhaps because you know what it is like on the other end... Does it teach you about the maturity of the person you would like to date? Does it teach you about the role of family in your relationship? Look and all of the questions and figure out what you can learn from all of this. Again, the ex is out of the picture. Do not answer the questions with her in mind. This is an emotional growth exercise. Good luck.

Thanks star, I know I need to use this time for me. Everyday I think it will be getting easier to focus on myself, even though I know I will be thinking about her in the back of my head. Thanks for all the wishes of luck, I am going to need it.

What are some of the things you want to do?
I know personally I have been trying to learn to play the guitar, and working out more. Its good to think about what you actually want to do.

Thanks guys, today I was able to go hit some golf balls with a friend and play some video games. Tonight we are going out to hard rock casino hotel where there are clubs and bars and stuff. I mean I am excited to go out, but it still doesn't feel right. I have that empty feeling that I don't belong and miss having my ex by my side. I hope it doesn't keep me from having a good time but I think it just might. I have been strong with the NC and haven't talked to her since wed. and through text on Thursday. I kind of keep hoping she will call but nothing yet. I know its bad to think about but I can't help it sometimes. Whenever I start to realize what's going on, I have weak moments where I think to myself that I don't want to do this. I want her back in my life. Well we will see how tonight goes, I will have fun but I know I won't be as fun as I can be since I know she will be on my mind.

Okay try this... look in the mirror before you go out and say... "Tonight, it is all about me." Say that about 6 times and if you are out and you start thinking of her, say it again. It is a very impowering saying.

Okay try this....look in the mirror before you go out and say..."Tonight, it is all about me." Say that about 6 times and if you are out and you start thinking of her, say it again. It is a very impowering saying.


Thanks I will try it, coming on here gives me the strength to keep on my path and hope for the best.

There are lots of wonderful things to find in the world.

Hey everyone, well last night was pretty fun, just hung out and had fun. Waking up this morning though, I really started to miss the ex. I haven't talked to her since wed. and I don't know why but I keep wanting to talk to her and be with her. Last night I didn't even think of her, well maybe a few times, but now I can't get her out of my head again. I just want to end all of this nonsense and tell her I want to be back with her. Well I am just venting out what I am feeling right now, thanks for everyone's support

hey everyone, well last night was pretty fun, just hung out and had fun. waking up this morning though, i really started to miss the ex. i havent talked to her since wed. and i dunno why but i keep wanting to talk to her and be with her. last night i didnt even think of her, well maybe a few times, but now i can't get her out of my head again. i just want to end all of this nonsense and tell her i want to be back with her. well i am just venting out what i am feeling right now, thanks for everyones support

QUICK! Go for a run! Keep running! Gear all that energy towards a good workout! Now's the perfect time - with you being upset and all, and thinking about her. Trust me. The hardest part is just getting up and going. Just do it! Do you have your running shoes on yet? Hurry!

You have made progress already and I'm happy for you. The mornings after going out are usually the worst time for me, but sad soul is right, don't just sit around it will only feel worse.

I don't know if its been mentioned at all yet, but family can help a lot too. I don't particularly get along with my parents, but even they helped me out a little bit especially at first when I was so lost and confused.

You have made it 3-4 days now with no contact don't break it now. Who wants to start back at 0 days again? Just wait until you hit a week, or a month you will feel even better that you didn't cave. Ive followed your posts from the start and I can see a difference already. Every time you think you are going to break down and phone/text/email/whatever her, post here instead, or write it down on a piece of paper to at least get the words out. I did that in the first couple weeks, and I can look back now and wondering what I was thinking at the time.

QUICK! Go for a run! Keep running! Gear all that energy towards a good workout! Now's the perfect time - with you being upset and all, and thinking about her. Trust me. The hardest part is just getting up and going. Just do it! Do you have your running shoes on yet? Hurry up!


I wasn't able to go for a jog, its been raining on and off here today. I have just been watching football on TV, still feeling a little tired from last night. You know what really bothers me and makes me think more is the fact that she hasn't told me right out what she wants from me. I mean yeah she wants space and we aren't together but she claims to still want to be in contact but not as much. So, should I just ask her to tell me straight up if she is taking this time to really think about me and us and the future or if she wants to date this other guy and move on from there? I think this is why I keep feeling and hoping that this is just a phase that she will realize was a mistake. If I don't say anything could she get the impression that I am happy with being friends and I will be here no matter what? She says I can call her whenever I want and she will call me sometimes so if I never call could that make her think that I am fine with everything and I'm not willing to fight for her? I know I shouldn't have to fight for anyone's attention or love but do you think its possible she feels since I am not calling her or anything that I am happy now with her decision? Well I know I am probably repeating myself but its hard to remember what I have posted already and I am just going by what I am feeling, so any words of wisdom are appreciated.

Okay bummed... this has turned into an addiction. You know she has bad after effects, but still you are looking for the "high" of talking to her. Don't wait for your next fix. Find other things that make you feel good. IT IS YOUR LIFE!! Don't wait around from someone to tell you when to jump. You deserve more than that. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I deserve more than this". Whenever you start to doubt what you are doing, say it again. Keep us posted.

Okay bummed....this has turned into an addiction. You know she has bad after effects, but still you are looking for the "high" of talking to her. Don't wait for your next fix. Find other things that make you feel good. IT IS YOUR LIFE!!! Don't wait around from someone to tell you when to jump. You deserve more than that. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I deserve more than this". Whenever you start to doubt what you are doing, say it again. Keep us posted.

Yeah thanks star, I know I sound pretty pathetic but I mean this whole thing is hurting me deeply. Its like sometimes I start to think about moving on and what I need to do and I feel better but then it all hits me that I don't want to lose her in my life. I guess I shouldn't look at it like I am losing her forever because I don't know that. It just feels like she is slipping away. I mean I know its my life, but I want her to be in it. So anyway, I am doing better than I was last weekend and hopefully this week will be better than the last. I just don't know how long this is going to last and how long I am going to be feeling like this. Whenever I start to feel better, I just think about the reality of the situation and it makes me feel horrible all over again. Well I have stayed strong and haven't called her in a while. The last few times we talked she called me or texted me. It is just agonizing waiting and wondering if she is going to call me or what. I can't help but to look at the clock, check my phone and all that stuff. I don't want to keep having false hope, but I think I am delaying the finality of the siutation because I really feel that we are meant to be. Call me stubborn but I guess I am. Well just wish me luck, I will keep coming on here to vent my feelings and I am sure it will be a while before I stop having these emotions inside of me. Coming on here and reading makes me feel a lot better so I thank everyone.

Sometimes it just helps you understand things better when you can vent. Venting is good because then you don't keep it bottled inside, just festering. You don't sound pathetic. You sound confused. There is a huge difference between the two. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you really are better off without her. After all of the dust settles you will understand that. This is just an opportunity to do some personal growth. In the end, you may end up together or you may find someone better. But to get through this, try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes. Take each day as an opportunity to improve on the YOU that YOU want to be... not the YOU someone else thinks you should be. If you try to improve just for the other person, you will end up frustrated in the end... especially if things don't pan out with her. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change... and why?

Read this... it should provide lots of good insight to you.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862-7.html

Sometimes it just helps you understand things better when you can vent. Venting is good because then you don't keep it bottled inside, just festering. You don't sound pathetic. You sound confused. There is a huge difference between the two. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you really are better off without her. After all of the dust settles you will understand that. This is just an opportunity to do some personal growth. In the end, you may end up together or you may find someone better. But to get through this, try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes. Take each day as an opportunity to improve on the YOU that YOU want to be....not the YOU someone else thinks you should be. If you try to improve just for the other person, you will end up frustrated in the end....especially if things don't pan out with her. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change...and why?


Well I know an area that I lack, which is probably a reaon why I am in this situation, is that I am not a really emotional person and don't always express my feelings. I don't know why but I have always kind of been like that. She has told me that sometimes I didn't show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean I have gotten better at this since I started dating her but I know I still need to improve. But don't get me wrong, I was not cold with her and always hugged and kissed her but sometimes I guess after 4 yrs I didn't show her affection all the time because I was comfortable around her. I mean I know its too late to change that but I do want to improve so she can see that I have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that I love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if I don't feel comfortable I don't really say much or make an effort to meet new people.

Well i know an area that i lack, which is probably a reaon why i am in this situation, is that i am not a really emotional person and dont always express my feelings. I don't know why but i have always kinda been like that. She has told me that sometimes i didnt show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean i have gotten better at this since i started dating her but i know i still need to improve. But dont get me wrong, i was not cold with her and alwasy hugged and kissed her but sometimes i guess after 4 yrs i didnt show her affection all the time b/c i was comfortable around her. I mean i know its too late to change that but i do want to improve so she can see that i have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that i love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if i dont feel comfortable i dont really say much or make an effort to meet new people.

The only way you will prove that you are serious about change is if you show her you are changing even when she is not there. This is when you are talking about the honest and naked truth; that you are going to change and better yourself, no matter what the circumstance.

You need to prove to yourself and to the world that you are damn serious and that you are capable of change. You are proving nothing if you are thinking "well if she were only back I would show her the great change...etc".

Believe me that she will notice, with wonder, if she comes back one day and sees someone who has made good changes in his life. Everyone will notice gold when they see it. So you have to keep working hard (and it's called working hard because it is soooooo so so sooooo so so HARD). It's hard to stay healthy and to keep in shape. It's hard to save money and to not spend it on this and that. It's hard to keep staying positive and to have healthy thoughts. It's hard to improve, but if you make the dedication, and do something small each day to move forward, you will look back and be amazed with yourself. And with practice, what was once very hard starts to slowly become easier.

You can do this. And nothing is better than offering the best of yourself to the world, as well as to the woman that will someday be with you. You have nothing to lose with this plan. Keep working at it! Be serious about wanting to improve. Keep busy. Make some plans.

Easier said than done, I know. But I'm not talking about becoming King Kong over night. Just make mini goals for each day, so that you at least do them. And this will keep you (even if it's slowly) moving forward. There's no place to go but forward.

GOOD LUCK! :)

Well i know an area that i lack, which is probably a reaon why i am in this situation, is that i am not a really emotional person and dont always express my feelings. I don't know why but i have always kinda been like that. She has told me that sometimes i didnt show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean i have gotten better at this since i started dating her but i know i still need to improve. But dont get me wrong, i was not cold with her and alwasy hugged and kissed her but sometimes i guess after 4 yrs i didnt show her affection all the time b/c i was comfortable around her. I mean i know its too late to change that but i do want to improve so she can see that i have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that i love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if i dont feel comfortable i dont really say much or make an effort to meet new people.

You know this does not sound like something that is wrong with you. This was just a communication issue, not an inadequacy on your part... so don't beat yourself up about it. My husband and I were having similar issues. I am a really emotional, touchy feely person and he really isn't. I thought that he didn't love me because he wasn't showering me with hugs. That is when someone suggested the book the 7 languages of love. I have no clue who it is by. It really shed some insight on our communication issue. It wasn't that he didn't love me... it is just that his way of showing love was different than mine. Also, my way of showing love was different than his love style... so he often felt alienated too. I am sure there are other books out there on the subject too, but this one really stuck out when you mentioned the issue. Even though you are not in a relationship now, it can help you determine what your love language is, and that of a potential new girlfriend. Good luck!;)

Thanks for your advice sadsoul and star. I know that there is nothing really wrong with me its just this whole situation has made me feel like there was something I could have done differently that would have avoided this. I mean really its up to her and what she is feeling. My parents took a "break" before they got married for almost half a year and then they realized they were really right for each other. I know I shouldn't move on thinking that we are going to get back together but I know this hope will always be inside of me. So I am going to try to become a better person, stay healthy and show her and the world that I am special and a great person. If someone better comes along then that would be great and if she realizes that I am who she wants, and I still feel the same at that point than that would be great too. I guess time will tell what happens with me and her and if we are really meant to be. So thank you all, I will be on all week at work and venting and reading and learning.

OK I just thought of something that I want all of your opinon on. So as we left it , we can still call each other and she still wants to hear from me and whatever. So, do I say something to her like I am not going to call you anymore, if you want to talk call me? Or do I just not say anything and just let her contact me whenever she wants to? I don't want her to get the impression that I am going to call her from time to time and when I don't that I am mad at her or don't care anymore. Do I say anything or just let it play out?

ok i just thought of something that i want all of your opinon on. So as we left it , we can still call each other and she still wants to hear from me and whatever. So, do i say something to her like i am not going to call you anymore, if you want to talk call me? or do i just not say anything and just let her contact me whenever she wants to? I dont want her to get the impression that i am going to call her from time to time and when i don't that i am mad at her or don't care anymore. Do i say anything or just let it play out?

You can say whatever you have to say AFTER she contacts you. If she tells you anything along the lines of "call me, cause I want to be friends" then you should tell her how you feel, but in a mature way.

You should tell her that you will not be contacting her, and that you feel it is best to move on because right now you feel as though you two had a real love, and so it's hard to switch that to friendship. But then, maybe a few years from now, when the emotional dust has settled, it would be healthy to be friends. Someone posted that for me and I thought it was great. You won't beat yourself up over wondering if you guys parted with her maybe thinking you're not going after her because you don't care. You won't think any of that. She will leave knowing you love her, but that you are also MOVING ON!

I said that before to you on a post. I think it's all pretty safe and healthy to follow.

I know this is all emotionally draining. So please give yourself a break, and leave a little of what's between you two up to nature. Right now, your only responsibility is to work on yourself.

You can say whatever you have to say AFTER she contacts you. If she tells you anything along the lines of "call me, cause I want to be friends" then you should tell her how you feel, but in a mature way.

You should tell her that you will not be contacting her, and that you feel it is best to move on because right now you feel as though you two had a real love, and so it's hard to switch that to friendship. But then, maybe a few years from now, when the emotional dust has settled, it would be healthy to be friends. Someone posted that for me and I thought it was great. You won't beat yourself up over wondering if you guys parted with her maybe thinking you're not going after her because you don't care. You won't think any of that. She will leave knowing you love her, but that you are also MOVING ON!

I said that before to you on a post. I think it's all pretty safe and healthy to follow.

I know this is all emotionally draining. So please give yourself a break, and leave a little of what's between you two up to nature. Right now, your only responsibility is to work on yourself.


Thanks , I agree that things just have to work themselves out and start moving forward. I appreciate the insight.

I would wait, and if she phones/texts you again just let her know that not talking is a big part of your healing. You could tell her that until she wants you back to not phone you if you are really worried she might be think you don't love her anymore.

You are putting too much thought into how you are going to communicate to her telling her you can't communicate with her anymore! (ive read that sentence 3 times and I 'think' its proper english)

You are absolutely no chnce of getting her back at the moment!! You sound like a wussie and she is just dragging you along at the moment. What are you talking about telling her your not going to call she doesn't care she doesn't want you anymore weell at least at the moment. So please STOP all the CRAP I don't car if your parents got back together all your looking for is false hope!! SHE Isn't Coming BACK CHAMP!! You're the NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW..
If you want to get this chick back Don't speak to her and don't answer tell her your not wanting the same and your ready for a relationship and she's noT!! SIMPLE Don't let her use you mate that is all she is doing I GUARANTEE that..
You can't see it but she is

Don't be used and donr=t me an oidiot your not thinking clarly ring her up and tell her yourve thought about things and its best if its just completely OVER cause you want someone who wants a healthy relationship cause that's the truth!! If she wants that she will contact you aonce she takes it all in probably in about two weeks when she isn't hearing from you...

You are absolutely no chnce of getting her back at the moment!!! You sound like a wussie and she is just dragging you along at the moment. What are you talking about telling her your not gunna call she doesnt care she doesnt want you anymore weell at least at the moment. So please STOP all the CRAP i dont car if your parents got back together all your looking for is false hope!!!SHE AINT COMIN BACK CHAMP!!!YOUR THE NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW..
If you wanna get this chick back DONT speak to her and dont answer tell her your not wanting the same and your ready for a relationship and shes noT!!!!!! SIMPLE Dont let her use you mate that is all she is doing i GUARANTEE that..
You can't see it but she is

Dont be used and donr=t me an oidiot your not thinking clarly ring her up and tell her yourve thought about things and its best if its just completely OVER cause you want someone who wants a healthy relationship cause thats the truth!!! If she wants that she will contact you aonce she takes it all in probly in about two weeks when she aint hearing from you...

Thanks mckenzie, I know I am not really helping myself out at the moment. I know I should just tell her how I feel about all of this and that I don't want to be just friends. So if or when she is ready to commit to me then to call me then. Its just hard because I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to be played around with. I am going to see what happens, she hasn't contacted me since last week so we will see when she finally does. So I guess I will move on from there. Thanks again, I know I am weak and this is making me realize some issues I have with myself such as a lower self-esteem than I thought. Hopefully this week is better than last week and so on.

All right man... you need to listen to me since I am in the Same situation as you and this all started the same time that yours did... kind of freaky. Well anyway I'm 18 and my ex is 16 and we went out for 1 year and 2 months. Well she just got her drivers licence and I think that she just wants to be free and do what she wants at the moment. She thought that I didn't care about her anymore and so she wanted to be just friends. I have realized so much about my feelings for her through this break and she then tells me that she does see a future with us together but just not right now. I have been depressed for a while and actually didn't eat for 4 days at one time and lost 15 pounds... well my mom got me this book about depression and one thing that really made me feel good is talking about going with the flow. It tells me that I have to just quit worrying about it and live in the now. It then refers to a tomato plant in saying.. "A tomato seed will not grow good if you dig it up every 20 min and check its progress... you have to just let nature take its course and live life" I have found that by me not talking has in a way given me some power in this whole situation. I didn't talk to her at all for 3 days and although it was very hard... I was starting to feel pretty good about it. Then yesterday she instant messages me and I feel weak and we start talking for about 10 min.. Then she says she needs to go. After the conversation I felt that I now need to start all back over and I lost all of the progress that I was making in this whole situation and that I lost the power that I was gaining. Oh and I'm also in the same situation since she is going to homecoming with this guy who is head over heels for her and he tries so hard to win her over by sweet talking her and such... its really hard but I do feel better after not talking to her... in a way she is playing you and you need to stop playing her game and start playing your own. Contact me if you need to tilak because our situations are very similar

Alright man... you need to listen to me since I am in the EXACT same situation as you and this all started the same exact time that yours did... kinda freaky. Well anyways im 18 and my ex is 16 and we went out for 1 year and 2 months. Well she just got her drivers licence and i think that she just wants to be free and do what she wants at the moment. She thought that i didnt care about her anymore and so she wanted to be just friends. I have realized so much about my feelings for her through this break and she then tells me that she does see a future with us together but just not right now. I have been depressed for a while and actually didnt eat for 4 days at one time and lost 15 pounds... well my mom got me this book about depression and one thing that really made me feel good is talking about going with the flow. It tells me that i have to just quit worrying about it and live in the now. It then refers to a tomato plant in saying.. "A tomato plant will not grow good if you dig it up every 20 min and check its progress... you have to just let nature take its course and live life" I have found that by me not talking has in a way given me some power in this whole situation. I didnt talk to her at all for 3 days and although it was very hard... i was starting to feel pretty good about it. Then yesterday she instant messages me and i feel weak and we start talking for about 10 min.. then she says she needs to go. After the conversation i felt that i now need to start all back over and i lost all of the progress that i was making in this whole situation and that i lost the power that i was gaining. Oh and im also in the same situation since she is going to homecoming with this guy who is head over heels for her and he tries so hard to win her over by sweet talking her and such... its really hard but i do feel better after not talking to her... in a way she is playing you and you need to stop playing her game and start playing your own. Contact me if you need to tilak because our situations are very simular

Thanks for your comments. Yeah it looks like we have pretty similar situations so hopefully they work out for both of us.

Hey no problem... I actually just registered so that I could answer this question. I will keep you posted as to how the progress is coming with mine as well and if this strategy works. My situation is of course a hell of a lot deeper than what I told you but I just gave you the story in a nut shell... hope it helps

Thanks again , well to let everyone know, I am going to text my ex today because I know she has a big finance test today and I just want to wish her luck. Is that bad? I just want her to know that I care about her and want her to do well, also that I am thinking of her. Other than this though I am not calling her or texting her again until she contacts me. I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.

I don't think that I would do it even though I would want to. I think that if you seem too desperate or too concerned, it will push her farthur away... you want her to miss you and that can't happen if you keep contact or keep butting into her life. I like the idea but I don't think it will help... She already knows how you feel for her and she already knows that the ball is in her court and such... you have done and said all that you can and I think you should just go with the flow for right now

Well everyone today has been a difficult day so far. I woke up and I just felt like today was going to be an emotional day. It doesn't help that its really rainy and crappy out so it makes me more depressed. I just got back from lunch break and I pretty much was a wreck and really emotional. I don't know how to shake this and its taking a lot out of me. Should I sit down and talk to her one last time to really make my point clear of what I want and she needs to telll me what she wants to do? Its been 3 weeks and I feel like I am being dragged behind with false hope and no real answers. I just need to know what she is thinking and what she is feeling for me and if she has thought about anything during this time. I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that she will come around and realize I am right for her. I don't think I can be just a friend right now because I want much more than that. I really need some closure on where we stand and what she is feeling about the future. Its going to be hard for me to have this discussion with her because I don't want to give her an ultimatum but I am starting to see that I don't know if I have another choice. If I keep waiting this out and just not contacting her and the days go by and we still talk here and there I will keep thinking I have a chance and will give me hope, false or not. I am just so tired of crying and hoping and praying that things will work out for me and us. I really don't know what else to do. I know I have been over this over and over and all of you have helped me a lot but I don't know what else to do and its not letting me move forward. I don't want to push her away further so I don't know if I should even talk to her or wait for her to contact me and then bring it up. I just hate not knowing if she even cares anymore or if its even on her mind. If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!

I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.
You can come up with any excuse you want, it still is an excuse. call to keep that false hope alive, Then start over with the healing. But expect no sympathy from anyone, when you find that it was a mistake to break your healing through no contact.

If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!To have those feelings now and again, is normal and human. To act on them because you have them, would be STU(not smart or healthy)PID.

Seriously just fight the urge to call. I can tell you from personal experience that nothing good will come out of it. Just walk away and start your healing!

So I shouldn't call and ask to speak to her. I still feel like she is doing whatever she wants with no consequences because she knows I want her and want to be with her no matter what. How do I make it clear to her that she needs to make a decision and not leave me hanging ? Can NC alone accomplish this? Shouldn't I make it clear to her by telling her that when she knows what she wants she can contact me. I don't think she really knows how I feel about that, so I feel like I should tell her, even though I know its going to be hard.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee man. The woman needs to grow up, and you need to wake up and see she's got you p**y whipped. Be a man and look for a more mature woman without this sort of drama. There are lots of women out there that will respect you.

The sad reality of it is that she is gone. You are still worrying about what she thinks of this and you, but she clearly doesn't care or else this situation wouldn't have happened in the first place.

If you don't want to be 'strung along' or left as backup, you don't need to tell her anything. You need to walk away and save what little self confidence and pride you might have left.

Do you want to look back on this years from now and see yourself groveling for her to only be shot down, or do you want to look back and be proud that you walked away from someone who didn't deserve you?

So basically I need to just go NC and let her contact me if and when she wants. From there its really up to her if she want to be back with me in the future? Today has been harder than the past few days and I am just trying to drill it in my head what I need to do and how I should be thinking. I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to look like she can walk all over me.

I know this thread has gottten really big and everyone's advice has been great. I thank you all for reading my story and for your support. I am trying to deal with what's going on but I wasn't ready for this and still have a lot of tough times ahead. You have all helped me though, there is no doubt about it.

So I shouldn't call and ask to speak to her.
No you should NOT!!

I still feel like she is doing whatever she wants with no consequences because she knows I want her and want to be with her no matter what.She doesn't feel the same, thats why she broke up with you.

how do I make it clear to her that she needs to make a decision and not leave me hanging ?
She made a decision and she broke up with you, you are hanging because you have not accept this is over.


Can NC alone accomplish this?
No contact will allow you to handle your emotions, and make better decisions based on facts and not feelings.


Shouldn't I make it clear to her by telling her that when she knows what she wants she can contact me.
She already knows that so the answer is a simple NO!!

I don't think she really knows how I feel about that, so I feel like I should tell her, even though I know its going to be hard.Save yourself from further confusion by leaving her alone is your best way to heal and see things clearly. Stay with it.

Thanks tali and everyone, I will try my best to stay strong and follow your advice. I have to fight that urge I get to want to talk to her and see her. If she wants me back I guess she has to come to me. Thanks again

Take Talaniman's advice it is sound and very useful. If you have not already... take anything that you have that reminds you of her and box it up. It may help in your healing... the other is it still sounds like you have this false hope of getting back together based on your last post. I was just there, once you let go of that, I promise things will start to feel much better... trust me I was there. The other question you must really ask yourself is: do you really want to get back together? Was all of this pain that YOU went through worth it? Heal and then move on... there is plenty out there, but you must heal yourself before you find that TRUE ONE for you...

Take Talaniman's advice it is sound and very useful. If you have not already.....take anything that you have that reminds you of her and box it up. It may help in your healing.....the other is it still sounds like you have this false hope of getting back together based on your last post. I was just there, once you let go of that, I promise things will start to feel much better...........trust me I was there. The other question you must really ask yourself is: do you really want to get back together? Was all of this pain that YOU went through worth it? Heal and then move on.......there is plenty out there, but you must heal yourself before you find that TRUE ONE for you.......


I may still have some false hope left in my head and my heart. That's mostly me just wanting her back but knowing its not looking good right now. Well the pain I have felt these past 3 weeks has sucked but if it turns out to be what's best for me and maybe her, then it was worth it. I am not going to lie and say that I don't want to get back together with her, because I do. I am just starting to realize I have to move on and let things fall where they may. I will try to follow all the advice as much as possible. Thanks

I know the pain that you are going through, I've been through it twice now and it is HORRIBLE. I think the biggest reason I would suggest NC right now is because later on you will be glad that you did it, and be happy with yourself. The first time I went through it I kept contacting/talking to her, and I really was ashamed of myself for it afterwards. This time (2 months ago) As soon as I knew it was over, I cut contact. She hasn't phoned and I'm glad. I will be able to look back on the situation, and while I didn't handle the first 2-3 weeks properly the rest went well and I will be proud of myself and the stuff I learned about myself.

Be strong and do this for yourself, you will be grateful someday. And watch the movie swingers ASAP, it will open your eyes ( I watch it a lot when times are like this)

I know the pain that you are going through, ive been through it twice now and it is HORRIBLE. I think the biggest reason I would suggest NC right now is because later on you will be glad that you did it, and be happy with yourself. The first time I went through it I kept contacting/talking to her, and I really was ashamed of myself for it afterwards. This time (2 months ago) As soon as I knew it was over, I cut contact. She hasnt phoned and im glad. I will be able to look back on the situation, and while I didnt handle the first 2-3 weeks properly the rest went well and I will be proud of myself and the stuff I learned about myself.

Be strong and do this for yourself, you will be greatful someday. And watch the movie swingers ASAP, it will open your eyes ( I watch it alot when times are like this)

Thanks for the support, I am doing my best to get through this and become a better person for the future, either with her or without her. I will keep everyone posted on my progress.

This morning I was feeling weak and wanted to call her so bad to talk to her and let her know what I feel and ask her what the hell she wants. But coming on here and reading all the advice and other people's situations has made me see the big picture again. I don't know if I will ever leave this site! w/out it I think I would have given into my emotions by now.

I don't know if you want to hear this... but on account of my situation, I caught her and some guy Jake, who she is going to homecoming with on a date with another couple at AppleBees... I was devastated but I think I needed to see that in order to realize the truth which is that she doesn't want to be with me and I need to find someone else. She tells my friend that she does kind of like jake but she isn't gong to pursue anything for a while since its too soon since we just broke up about 2-3 weeks ago. She also told him that she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. After a yeaar and 2 minths, I think that I need to move on and live life and enjoy it and not worry about her... I'm starting to become depressed and I think I will remain this way till I fugure something to do with my life since aalll of my friends are being gay right now... Your better off than me because at least she cares for you still

I dont know if you want to hear this... but on account of my situation, I caught her and some guy Jake, who she is going to homecoming with on a date with another couple at AppleBees... I was devestated but i think i needed to see that in order to realize the truth which is that she doesnt want to be with me and i need to find someone else. She tells my friend that she does kind of like jake but she isnt gong to persue anything for a while since its too soon since we just broke up about 2-3 weeks ago. She also told him that she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. After a yeaar and 2 minths, i think that i need to move on and live life and enjoy it and not worry about her.... im starting to become depressed and i think i will remain this way till i fugure something to do with my life since aalll of my friends are being gay right now... Your better off than me because at least she cares for you still


Hey man hang in there, I know how you feel. My ex has been hanging out with another guy so I don't know what's going on there. She says she still cares about me , well she did last week so who knows this week. If she doesn't care for you anymore at all after over a year than obviously she isn't the one for you. Keep you head up, I know its hard.

Ok well I think I have come to a decision that I have thought long and hard about. I have taken many peoples advice into account and also what I think and know about myself and my ex. I mean this is like those situations where your parents say trust me I've been there about whatever situation it may be, but most of the time you make the mistake yourself and learn from doing it anyway. I take everyone's advice to heart and some of it I really believe and some I guess I have to see to believe. I am going to talk to her sometime this week or weekend, just put it out there and let her know what I want and what I am willing to do, and I need to know what she wants from me and what she is willing to do, if anything. This whole "space" ane "break" stuff is giving me hope and I want to know if that is false hope. I can speculate all I want and tell myself to just leave her alone but I know for sure that until I know and she tells me what she really wants and feels, I will not be able to move on. So I am prepared for the worst, I just need to hear it and see it come from her mouth to really let it sink in my head. Maybe this will just cause me more hurt, probably, but sometimes you just got to do what you think is right. I don't know if its right, but I feel I have no other choice for my own sanity. This way I leave knowing she knows how I feel and I know how she feels. I know myself and I know what she has told me so far, and there have been no solid answers or reasons. So this is something I have to do for myself, to be able to sleep at night knowing I put it all out there and she told me what she felt. Then I will be able to accept whatever comes from it and move forward. What the future holds between us after that will be up to her because I will not wait around forever wondering if she will be coming back around and I need to make it clear that if this is the decision you make, you have to live with it and know that you let me go. Ill keep you updated on what happens. If you have any opinions please let me know , I may be making a mistake but its my mistake to make. It's been almost a month and I have had no real closure from her and I feel I need it to start healing. I know many of you feel I should not contact her at all but sometimes you have to do what you feel inside. I thank you all again for the support and advice, I will keep you all updated on when its going down and what happens.

Good luck. Its going to hurt but it's a mistake it seems you have to and want to make. Promise yourself that you will let it go after this, fully completely. Im sure we have all done it and regret it, but we did it anyway.

Ok well i think i have come to a decision that i have thought long and hard about. I have taken many peoples advice into account and also what i think and and know about myself and my ex. I mean this is like those situations where your parents say trust me i've been there about whatever situation it may be, but most of the time you make the mistake yourself and learn from doing it anyways. I take everyones advice to heart and some of it i really believe and some i guess i have to see to believe. I am going to talk to her sometime this week or weekend, just put it out there and let her know what i want and what i am willing to do, and i need to know what she wants from me and what she is willing to do, if anything. This whole "space" ane "break" stuff is giving me hope and i want to know if that is false hope. I can speculate all i want and tell myself to just leave her alone but i know for sure that until i know and she tells me what she really wants and feels, i will not be able to move on. So i am prepared for the worst, I just need to hear it and see it come from her mouth to really let it sink in my head. Maybe this will just cause me more hurt, probably, but sometimes you just got to do what you think is right. I don't know if its right, but i feel i have no other choice for my own sanity. This way i leave knowing she knows how i feel and i know how she feels. I know myself and I know what she has told me so far, and there have been no solid answers or reasons. So this is something i have to do for myself, to be able to sleep at night knowing i put it all out there and she told me what she felt. Then i will be able to accept whatever comes from it and move forward. What the future holds between us after that will be up to her because i will not wait around forever wondering if she will be coming back around and i need to make it clear that if this is the decision you make, you have to live with it and know that you let me go. Ill keep you updated on what happens. If you have any opinions please let me know , I may be making a mistake but its my mistake to make. It's been almost a month and i have had no real closure from her and i feel i need it to start healing. I know many of you feel i should not contact her at all but sometimes you have to do what you feel inside. I thank you all again for the support and advice, i will keep you all updated on when its going down and what happens.


You are marching off a cliff with this one. You are not going to do anything but look like a weak man to her by telling her yet AGAIN how you feel. You might as well put the last nail in the coffin so you can begin to move on and heal.

You are marching off a cliff with this one. You are not going to do anything but look like a weak man to her by telling her yet AGAIN how you feel. You might as well go ahead and put the last nail in the coffin so you can begin to move on and heal.

So would not saying anything and just moving on how I have been for the past 3 weeks be any better? I know she knows how I feel and what I want but what she hasn't told me is what she wants, she has said she is confused and needed time. Well how much time? I mean does she see us getting back together or is she moving on with someone else? That's the type of closure and answers I need from her, not so much me telling her how I feel since she already knows that. I am just confused about where we really stand and are moving in the future.

She has already told you what she wants and you have not given her space, you're calling her or texting her (even if it is to tell her good luck on a test or something, you still have not done what she asked you to do)
She is going out with other people, she is moving on. I think you are just not getting it.
You really need to accapt the face that she no longer wants to be with you and move on.

She has already told you what she wants and you have not given her space, you're calling her or texting her (even if it is to tell her good luck on a test or something, you still have not done what she asked you to do)
She is going out with other people, she is moving on. I think you are just no getting it.
You really need to accapt the face that she no longer wants to be with you and move on.


I have given her space, we have talked maybe 5 times or so in 3 weeks. What is making me feel this way is that she never said we are through for good and that's it, I am moving on with other people and don't want you in my life. She was like oh I still want to keep in touch and I still care for you and love you. So its like mixed signals. Its been 3 weeks and I am still confused as to what she really wants. She said she didn't know, so has she taken this time to think about herself and me and what she feels? That's all I want to know, I am not expecting her to say yeah lets get back together right now. I just want to know if she has already put me behind her and is moving forward without me. Its really to get a clearer picture if she still sees me as someone in her future or not. And if she still doesn't know then I give her more space, I am not trying to rush her , but for my own sanity I need to have an idea what she is thinking so I don't sit here with false hope that she is really taking this time to evaluate what we had and what she wants. I don't know if you understand but its something that I feel I need in order to move on whether its right or not. I mean do I sound crazy because I feel this ?

If you were going to be a part of her future, she wouldn't know now. That would be something only time would tell. By forcing her to tell you to go away, you will be finalizing this deal forever. If that is what you want then so be it, but you will not be happy with yourself after the fact.

She may have not told you explicitly to your face that she is 'done' with you, but look at her actions, read between the lines here. She wasn't mature enough to just tell you its over, so she says all that stuff 'well keep in touch' to let you down easier.

So the bottom line is if I really want a chance with her down the road, I need to just step back and let things settle themselves? Even if I feel now like I don't know what the hell is going on?

I think she doesn't know how to let you down yet. She hasn't told you yet but her actions speak for themselves. I know its hard to be in your shoes. You want so badly for it to work out or some hope. But Im telling you that its just a matter of time. And you are wasting valuable time that you can use to move on.

What you should do is be the one to end it with her. You are letting her dictate when its is over. Even though it is really hard to do, maybe you should take control of the situation and end it for your own peace of mind

What should be the main focus for you right now is YOU.

Most of us here have gone through the same thing... hell I just got out of a 7 year relationship. So I know where you are coming from.

But the best thing you can do is to work on you.

Get out and live.
-go to the gym.
-pick up old hobbies.
-start new hobbies.
-pick up the phone and call some buddies over for some laughs.
-go out with the guys and have some drinks.

Buy sitting there you are working against yourself. You are not improving your situation. Only hoping that she will come along and make everything OK.

I think she doesn't know how to let you down yet. She hasn't told you yet but her actions speak for themselves. I know its hard to be in your shoes. You want so badly for it to work out or some hope. But Im telling you that its just a matter of time. And you are wasting valuable time that you can use to move on.

What you should do is be the one to end it with her. You are letting her dictate when its is over. Even though it is really hard to do, maybe you should take control of the situation and end it for your own peace of mind

So I should talk to her, lay down what I feel and want, see whatever she has to say and if its not that she is willing to work on a relationship, then I just tell her its over, I am done waiting around and clinging on to hope. If she changes her mind from here on out, she has to try to get me back and not me getting her back. She knows how I feel so its all up to her from here on.

So i should talk to her, lay down what i feel and want, see whatever she has to say and if its not that she is willing to work on a relationship, then i just tell her its over, i am done waiting around and clinging on to hope. If she changes her mind from here on out, she has to try to get me back and not me getting her back. She knows how i feel so its all up to her from here on.


No... not like this. Don't lay out your feelings again. Dude she knows exactly how you feel because you never fail to tell her. She know what you want too. At this point she is seeing what else is out there. She is wanting to move on but can't let go of her safety net.

Think about it... we all want someone to love us right? It can be scary for someone to feel all alone and not loved.

What I'm saying is... In a very calm and composed manor you tell her that the time you and her spent together over the years has been great and you will keep those memories. But that you cannot stand by and let life pass you by. Tell her that since she has things to figure out that she should go do that. That is was a great experience but it is time to move on.

So i should talk to her, lay down what i feel and want, see whatever she has to say and if its not that she is willing to work on a relationship, then i just tell her its over, i am done waiting around and clinging on to hope. If she changes her mind from here on out, she has to try to get me back and not me getting her back. She knows how i feel so its all up to her from here on.I think if you do that you are asking for more of the same drama. We've all been there when we were real young... and trust me, the more women I dated the more I found out the one who I thought was miss perfect in my teens was really more like Miss Seriously imperfect.

You want someone who does not give you frequent drama, trust me a good partner rarely gives you that sort of trouble. Oh, perfection doesn't exist... but with a great match you don't have to fight and argue to get what you want all the time or even frequently, a perfect partner knows this and gives it to you without asking for it. You know and compliment each other without even needing to explain things or ask for them. It took me till I was 29 to find my wife. I dated a lot of women before I found this one. I can't even remember all their names much less exactly how many.

Count your blessings you did not marry her or worse have kids with her. Listen to the advice here... some mistakes last a lifetime.

No...not like this. Don't lay out your feelings again. Dude she knows exactly how you feel because you never fail to tell her. She know what you want too. At this point she is seeing what else is out there. She is wanting to move on but can't let go of her safety net.

Think about it...we all want someone to love us right? It can be scary for someone to feel all alone and not loved.

What I'm saying is.....In a very calm and composed manor you tell her that the time you and her spent together over the years has been great and you will keep those memories. But that you cannot stand by and let life pass you by. Tell her that since she has things to figure out that she should go do that. That is was a great experience but it is time to move on.


Thanks, It is definitely going to be hard to do that and try not to get too emotional. I am really afraid of losing her and I feel like she's slipping away. I just want her to realize that I am the guy she wants. I know I can't control that, but I wish there was something else I could do. I appreciate your advice and support.

Thanks, It is definitely going to be hard to do that and try not to get too emotional. I am really afraid of losing her and i feel like shes slipping away. I just want her to realize that I am the guy she wants. I know i can't control that, but i wish there was something else i could do. I appreciate your advice and support.

I know how you are feeling. I wanted the same things. You have already lost her but you just haven't accepted it yet.

If you are going to have trouble holding your emotions in check when you do it, then write down exactly what you want to say. Practice it... But you want to walk away from this with your head held high. So compose yourself and be confident in your decision to take control of your own life and move on.

You are going to make it through this. There are so many of us on here that have gone through the same thing... which proves that you will be OK.

Just rip off the band aid

No...not like this. Don't lay out your feelings again. Dude she knows exactly how you feel because you never fail to tell her. She know what you want too. At this point she is seeing what else is out there. She is wanting to move on but can't let go of her safety net.

Think about it...we all want someone to love us right? It can be scary for someone to feel all alone and not loved.

What I'm saying is.....In a very calm and composed manor you tell her that the time you and her spent together over the years has been great and you will keep those memories. But that you cannot stand by and let life pass you by. Tell her that since she has things to figure out that she should go do that. That is was a great experience but it is time to move on.
I think that is good advice. You be the one to end it, then you know where you stand.

I am going to be honest and say that I don't know if I can do it yet. I want to end this misery I am in but I also don't want to lose her and rush her to make a decision to leave me behind. I just want her to be happy with me and us, I know I have to talk to her and do this but it will be the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life. I hope it works out and she realizes one day that I am the one for her.

I would say it's too soon for you to be as strong as we're all hoping for you to be any way.

If you look at most our posts, we took like a good year or more to get "half" better. You just need some time out, and that's fine.

But remember to not stick in "time out" for too long, because depression and sadness can be very addictive. Take your time with this, but please do something tiny to advance yourself each day (even if that means skipping junk food for a day, cleaning your basement, or putting away an extra dollar).

You won't get over her all in one night, but I promise you that things will get better in tiny doses. It might takes weeks, months, or even a few years; the time is unknown, but what's sure/100% is that you will get through this! Take your time healing, but please be positive, and make sure you don't stay in the past, because you will never grow as a person or "advance" if you just stay there living your memories.

I would say it's too soon for you to be as strong as we're all hoping for you to be any way.

If you look at most our posts, we took like a good year or more to get "half" better. You just need some time out, and that's fine.

But remember to not stick in "time out" for too long, because depression and sadness can be very addictive. Take your time with this, but please do something tiny to advance yourself each day (even if that means skipping junk food for a day, cleaning your basement, or putting away an extra dollar).

You won't get over her all in one night, but I promise you that things will get better in tiny doses. It might takes weeks, months, or even a few years; the time is unknown, but what's sure/100% is that you will get through this! Take your time healing, but please be positive, and make sure you don't stay in the past, because you will never grow as a person or "advance" if you just stay there living your memories.

Thanks sad, well I mean I don't know if I should really talk to her yet and tell her that I need to know now what she feels and make her either decide to be with me or not. I don't want to push her and in doing so push her away. I am starting to get use to not calling her all the time, and talking to her as much and I do miss her but I am getting through it. I just don't want to ruin anything now by pressing and making her cut ties with me if she is still confused. So I am going to go with the flow for now, and see what this week holds. At the end of the week I will see how I feel and if she has even contacted me at all. Then I can more clearly make the decision to ask to talk to her and let her know that I need some closure. I have made some progress so far, I don't always feel like crying and depressed and I have been eating more which was a problem the first week. So slowly I am getting through this one day at a time. I don't know what the future holds so I don't really want to burn any bridges with her and look back thinking I made a mistake because I was impatient.

Hi bummedout4
U want to know what is going on? OK
She dumped u, she does not need u, she does not love you anymore, she is just coping what remained of her feelings to u, she is going with others while she leaves you killing yourself with thinking about what the hell she is doing and how she feels
OK she does not care about u, for her you are just the past and the new guy is the future, till she dumps him too and go 4 another stupid, OPEN UR EYES MAN. Don't u see?
I know that every time you think about her you see the same angel who was with u 4 years ago. But you got to know that a lot of peopl are like this , they are sweet for sometime not all the time
She kicked u, and you don't need to know what the hell is she doing, let it go man just let it go
Don't believe she needs space, don't believe she does not has an affair with that guy, but remember she was 100% with u, now she is 1 % with and 99% with the other guy and she is healing her self till she is 100% with the other
Don't call her . Just walk with the knif stapped into your heart but BE A MAN, u worth another good girl, it won't be now but believe me you will find another one, I know you can't see anyone but her eyes, I know her voice blocks your ears, and she is sitting in your heart for good, but walk with the knife in your heart and don't take it off till you feel you can do it.
God damn her she killed you and she is enjoying her life without um don't u believe it? It is hard but true. Later on you going to remember small details the could led you to her real personality, but you did not see those small details , but now you going to see it and you will wonder how the hell you could not notice all those sh!ts

BE STRONG< BE A MAN< KICK HER OUTA UR LIFE< AND REMEMBER THAT SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER COME BACK BELIEVE ME

need to know now what she feels
You already know all that, but are not ready to accept that this is over, and its about what you do now, with your life. Give me your address so I can SLAP some reality in you.

hi bummedout4
u wanna know what is going on? OK
she dumped u, she does not need u, she does not love u anymore, she is just coping what remained of her feelings to u, she is going with others while she leaves u killing urself with thinking about what the hell she is doing and how she feels
ok she does not care about u, for her u r just the past and the new guy is the future, till she dumps him too and go 4 another stupid, OPEN UR EYES MAN. dont u see?
i know that everytime u think about her u see the same angel who was with u 4 years ago. but u gotta know that alot of peopl are like this , they r sweet for sometime not all the time
she kicked u, and u dont need to know what the hell is she doing, let it go man just let it go
dont believe she needs space, dont believe she does not has an affair with that guy, but remeber she was 100% with u, now she is 1 % with and 99% with the other guy and she is healing her self till she is 100% with the other
dont call her . just walk with the knif stapped into ur heart but BE A MAN, u worth another good girl, it won't be now but believe me u will find another one, i know u can't see anyone but her eyes, i know her voice blocks ur ears, and she is sitting in ur heart for good, but walk with the knife in ur heart and dont take it off till u feel u can do it.
god damn her she killed u and she is enjoying her life without um dont u believe it? it is hard but true. later on u gonna remember small details the could led u to her real personality, but u did not see those small details , but now u gonna see it and u will wonder how the hell u could not notice all those sh!ts

BE STRONG< BE A MAN< KICK HER OUTA UR LIFE< AND REMEMBER THAT SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER COME BACK BELIEVE ME


What you say makes a lot of sense. You are right that I don't believe it, but it may be true. Its horrible and I do feel like crap , I can't believe she would ever hurt me like this. I thought she loved me and wanted to be with me but I guess not. I am going to talk to her sometime this week and just tell her that I don't deserve this crap and she is either with me or not. If not , then call me when you realize that you made a mistake, and if you don't then I guess that's it. I am trying to gather the strength to do this and finally take control of my life. Thank you

NO!

Do NOT talk to her this week!

DO talk to OTHER girls this week!

She was VERY cold-hearted to you at the heart of it all-

You should be ANGRY, not crying to her ANY MORE!

Well I want her to know that she is not dragging me along anymore. We left it like we were still friendly and will keep in touch the last time we talked. She knows I am devastated and thinking about her and hurt. She needs to know that I won't put up with this and that I am moving on without her, since that is what she wants. I am not going to cry to her, I am going to tell her that she can't do this to me anymore because I am emotionally drained and my mind is a mess because of her. So this has to end and she has to know it.

You already know all that, but are not ready to accept that this is over, and its about what you do now, with your life. Give me your address so I can SLAP some reality in you.

Great point Tal.

In a very calm and composed manor you tell her that the time you and her spent together over the years has been great and you will keep those memories. But that you cannot stand by and let life pass you by. Tell her that since she has things to figure out that she should go do that. That is was a great experience but it is time to move on.

If you want to say anything, say the above statement. It is short, sweet and isn't over emotional. You don't want to come across as whiney. If you tell her what you are thinking of telling her, you will come across as whiney and immature. You want it to appear that you have the upper hand. The relationship is over. Now the closure consists of a game of chess... figuratively of course.

Good luck!

Good luck!!


Thanks, I will need it.

well i want her to know that she is not dragging me along anymore. we left it like we were still friendly and will keep in touch the last time we talked. she knows i am devastated and thinking about her and hurt. She needs to know that i won't put up with this and that i am moving on without her, since that is what she wants. I am not going to cry to her, i am going to tell her that she can't do this to me anymore because i am emotionally drained and my mind is a mess becasue of her. So this has to end and she has to know it.

NO! NOOOOO!

She's not going to know that you are not being dragged along when you want to randomly call her to tell her "sorry I'm not gonna be dragged along anymore".

This act will actually only show her how you have been miserable and have had nothing to do but to DRAG YOURSELF ALONG. You're choosing to be dragged along, and NO CONTACT was to save you from not only feeling more heart ache, but to also save you from showing your ex that your world has (seemingly) fallen apart at her feet.

Trust us that she will notice you're not calling. This will shock the living daylights out of her. Maybe not this month or next month, but eventually she'll be curious.

Please bummedout, more action and less talk. Just start being an actor, and play against all your desires right now, and eventually your emotions will adjust a bit. You'll, for example, become use to not calling her more and more if you force your body to never dial that number again.
This is the same for you workingout, eating right, saving, cleaning up, doing this and that, and everything else that will help you in life.

When she calls, which she will, you can let her know what's best for you. After all, she sure let you know what the hell was best for her!

And just a warning: When you tell her you want out and for her to leave you alone, you might feel a sudden rush of "what-ifs" or "now she won't come back to me because I said those things!!!" Just know that that is NOT TRUE. When a girl is madly in love with her ex, don't worry, she will let him know.

When she calls, which she will, you can let her know what's best for you. After all, she sure let you know what the hell was best for her!

Priceless.

Its only natural to want to voice your feelings. Especially when it has a lot of intense emotion involved. Don't do it to her, EXERCISE!!

OK well everyone I know I am going to get ripped for this one. I gave in and called her this morning before work. I know today is her big test and she is one to stress out and get all worried about these things. I just called her and asked her how she has been and to wish her good luck on her test. Whether I should have , I don't know, I know everyone will say I shouldn't have called her but that was all we talked about. I just had the urge and I couldn't resist, I figured it really wouldn't hurt and I am tired of pretending like she is someone else that I don't know and not that same girl I have loved. Well, that's it we talked for a few minutes and I actually feel better. So she said she would call me later on, don't know when , so I guess we will speak then. Other than that everything else is the same, last night I had more dreams and thoughts in my head about what to do and what will happen to us. I feel better today because I talked to her and I know we don't hate each other and there is always a possibility of us getting back together down the road. I am starting to see that maybe we both need this in order to grow and learn how to love the right way, hopefully with each other. If not, I know this time in my life will help me somehow in the future with whoever else I am involved with. It sucks right now, but I hope its all for a reason.

Bad thing to do to her before a test... she needed to focus all of her concentration on that test but your needs were more important than hers apparently.

Listen to what you wrote... Its all about you and what you want. Not about what is best for her at the moment.

Bad thing to do to her before a test....she needed to focus all of her concentration on that test but your needs were more important than hers apparently.

Listen to what you wrote.... Its all about you and what you want. Not about what is best for her at the moment.


You think she will see it like that? It was just a friendly good luck, no emotion or other talk about her, me or us. Well I guess we all tend to be selfish sometimes, I didn't see it like that but I guess it could be seen as such.

You think she will see it like that? It was just a friendly good luck, no emotion or other talk about her, me or us. Well i guess we all tend to be selfish sometimes, i didnt see it like that but i guess it could be seen as such.
Quite honestly... its hard to know for certain, it depends on where she is right now emotionally, it could be either way. But since you do not know for sure it could easily disrupt her concentration for the test. I've been in college so I know that isn't hard to do.

Quite honestly...its hard to know for certain, it depends on where she is right now emotionally, it could be either way. But since you do not know for sure it could easily disrupt her concentration for the test. I've been in college so I know that isn't hard to do.


Yeah you are right, well either way I wasn't trying to make her lose concentration. I think she is more emotinally stable right now then me since she is the one that wants this situation although I am sure she still feels something and has thoughts of me and us and what we had and if this is what she wants. Well I hope she just sees it like I care about her and want her to do well, that's all.

Hey stop torturing yourself man... she knows EXACTLY how you feel. Only when you COMPLETELY let go is when you will be at ease and will get all the answers you are looking for. Let go... be patient... time to yourself will bring you the answers you are looking for. Trust me... I'm there right now :)

I think your phone call was selfish. She told you she wants a break and you call or text, saying you're doing it to check on her or encourage her, but this is about easig your pain. You have not respected her request.
Her break up with you was not about you, it was about her. If she feels she needs a break, she has the right to feel that way. It hurts you, but it is not about you. Stop calling her. You are just making it harder for her.
I'm sure if she were thinking that she wanted to get back with you, she would not be seeing other people. Stop trying to figure out what you think she is thinking and do what she asked you to do. Leave her alone.

I think your phone call was selfish. She told you she wants a break and you call or text, saying you're doing it to check on her or encourage her, but this is about easig your pain. You have not respected her request.
Her break up with you was not about you, it was about her. If she feels she needs a break, she has the right to feel that way. It hurts you, but it is not about you. Stop calling her. You are just making it harder for her.
I'm sure if she were thinking that she wanted to get back with you, she would not be seeing other people. Stop trying to figure out what you think she is thinking and do what she asked you to do. Leave her alone.

Homegirl, this is bang on!!

Well I wasn't trying to be selfish, I guess in a way yeah I wanted to hear her voice and talk to her. So you all think that she doesn't want to hear from me? Even if she said that she does? Well I honestly was surprised that I lasted this long without calling her, over a week. I guess I have to regain my strength and let her contact me, if she really wants to talk to me.

And by continuing to call you are not starting the process of getting over her, and just prolonging the period of pain.

You can't make her want you. And with everything that has happened you are likely doing more harm to that possibility than you are helping it.

Like I said... do this on a day she is in a bad mood and you could be looking at a restraining order... now that's something you don't want. If she wants to talk, she will call you. Keep pushing her and you might find yourself bent over a jail cell bunk by a career criminal with a thing for young guys.

And no I'm not kidding.

And by continuing to call you are not starting the process of getting over her, and just prolonging the period of pain.

You can't make her want you. And with everything that has happened you are likely doing more harm to that possibility than you are helping it.

Like I said...do this on a day she is in a bad mood and you could be looking at a restraining order...now thats something you don't want. If she wants to talk, she will call you. Keep pushing her and you might find yourself bent over a jail cell bunk by a career criminal with a thing for young guys.

And no I'm not kidding.


Point taken smoothy. I don't think we are at that level of dislike where she doesn't want me to call her or possibly see her down the line so I don't think she would really think I am stalking her. I know I can't make her want me, I just feel that she is torn between wanting to be with me and doing her own thing and being "free." I know the only way is for her to find out on her own, its just hard for me to let go of her and let things happen naturally. I keep feeling that if I just let go and don't try to make her see why she fell in love with me in the first place that I will regret it down the road wondering if I should have done more. Well I am listening to everyone's advice, I am not going to do anything stupid and push her to make decisions now on the future. Everyday is a struggle to control myself and I hope it just gets easier as time goes on and that everything works out for the best.

Point taken smoothy. I don't think we are at that level of dislike where she doesnt want me to call her or possibly see her down the line so i dont think she would really think i am stalking her. I know i can't make her want me, i just feel that she is torn between wanting to be with me and doing her own thing and being "free." I know the only way is for her to find out on her own, its just hard for me to let go of her and let things happen naturally. I keep feeling that if i just let go and don't try to make her see why she fell in love with me in the first place that i will regret it down the road wondering if i should have done more. Well i am listening to everyone's advice, i am not going to do anything stupid and push her to make decisions now on the future. Everyday is a struggle to control myself and i hope it just gets easier as time goes on and that everything works out for the best.
Also remember, you aren't in her head right now so you can't make assumptions... she might be cordial to not stir things up.. it could be because she isn't angry, or it could be out of fear. Point is you don't know for sure. Because you don't know you could quickly find yourself in a bad situation before you even know she was that upset.

You can't assume she is torn... you are projecting YOUR wishes onto her and convincing yourself of what you would like to hear.

What happened before has no bearings now... I've known people that once were the world to each other and now each wish es the other would die.

Like we have all said... leave her alone... if she calls she calls... if she doesn't then you know she doesn't want to talk. But move on. Forget her, and stop trying to convince yourself every little thing is somehow a sign of what you want to hear. Its not doing you or her any good to dwell on that.

It does get easier... the human race would be extinct if it didn't.

Everyone goes through this, most people however suck it up, tell themselves well ain't this the sh*t, deal with the pain and move on to someone else.

There are no shortcuts on the pain... you just deal with it.. you don't keep stoking the fire that's about to burn the house down you are in. You put her out of your mind.. and only when you have done this the pain will subside, A wound won't heal if you keep picking at the scab every day.

We don't want to be seeing you on the national news because you dwelled on this one woman long enough you lose it.

Also remember, you aren't in her head right now so you can't make assumptions....she might be cordial to not stir things up.., it could be because she isn't angry, or it could be out of fear. Point is you don't know for sure. Because you don't know you could quickly find yourself in a bad situation before you even know she was that upset.

You can't assume she is torn...you are projecting YOUR wishes onto her and convincing yourself of what you would like to hear.

What happened before has no bearings now...I've known people that once were the world to each other and now each wish es the other would die.

Like we have all said...leave her alone...if she calls she calls....if she doesn't then you know she doesn't want to talk. But move on. Forget her, and stop trying to convince yourself every little thing is somehow a sign of what you want to hear. Its not doing you or her any good to dwell on that.

It does get easier....the human race would be extinct if it didn't.

Everyone goes through this, most people however suck it up, tell themselves well ain't this the sh*t, deal with the pain and move on to someone else.

There are no shortcuts on the pain....you just deal with it..you don't keep stoking the fire thats about to burn the house down you are in. You put her out of your mind..and only when you have done this the pain will subside, A wound won't heal if you keep picking at the scab every day.

We don't want to be seeing you on the national news because you dwelled on this one woman long enough you lose it.


Yeah I hear you, I know it will get easier, it just sucks getting there. I won't be on the news though , don't worry, I'm not going to do anything crazy. As hard as it is, I know you are all right that if she wants to talk to me , she will call. Just waiting for that call , unconciously looking at the clock and phone, drives me crazy. I just wish she would say hey get lost or I want to be with you and not this unknown confusion state. Well anyway, thanks again for the insight. I am trying to keep my mind occupied but its hard at work, its pretty boring.

Yeah i hear ya, i know it will get easier, it just sucks getting there. I won't be on the news though , dont worry, i'm not going to do anything crazy. As hard as it is, i know you are all right that if she wants to talk to me , she will call. Just waiting for that call , unconciously looking at the clock and phone, drives me crazy. I just wish she would say hey get lost or i want to be with you and not this unknown confusion state. Well anyways, thanks again for the insight. I am trying to keep my mind occupied but its hard at work, its pretty boring.
That's why you put her out of your mind... when she isn't the center of focus you will get there faster and with less pain, and yes, it sucks, it hurts, nobody will say it doesn't , but it's a rite of passage, you will have worse to deal with in time (your parents aren't immortal after all) and like I said, it builds character.

Like I mentioned in another thread. What separates winners from losers is how they handle adversity.

A winner picks themselves up, learns from the bad experience and moves on to the next opportunity a little wiser.

A loser feels sorry for themselves and cries in their Wheaties about the situation.

A mark of a man is how he deals with tough situations. And not all people are equal.

I actually stopped coming to this site because of all of the mixed communication being mashed around. The whole situation is, he is not stalking her, not showing up at her home un-announced and he is not over stepping any boundaries - she never asked him to stop calling. He has said that if she does, he will stop calling her. Heck, its been over 1 week since they last spoke (with the exception of today). I personally think the call was harmless and if she didn't want him to call at all she would block his number

I actually stopped coming to this site because of all of the mixed communication being mashed around. The whole situation is, he is not stalking her, not showing up at her home un-announced and he is not over stepping any boundaries - she never asked him to stop calling. He has said that if she does, he will stop calling her. Heck, its been over 1 week since they last spoke (with the exception of today). I personally think the call was harmless and if she didn't want him to call at all she would block his number
Really, when a woman says don't call and you keep calling... etc... you might want to talk to a legal authority... you don't have to be in their face. And in this case that is exactly that. And there is a lot of people here that can't seem to take no for an answer. Nobody has the right to keep calling ANY person after they were told not to. And they shouldn't have to go to the expense and trouble of changing phone numbers just to get away from someone who doesn't take no for an answer. No should suffice.

Now every case is not the same, but I'll venture a guess more than a few people on this board have gone beyond bad taste into the creepy zone, just on the first two pages of threads alone... And its not that hard to get a restraining order or to cross the line into stalking. You don't have to have an evil intent to stalk.

Not saying this is the case with the OP, but its not hard to make that jump when you are in the lovesick ex stage in some cases.


I've known women terrorized by guys that would not leave them alone... and known a few guys as well that had trouble letting go. So yeah, this stuff does happen to people. Not to mention I've had a couple difficult to get over breakups myself in the past. So I do know first hand how hard it really can be, and how easy to step over that line. Mostly because you aren't thinking clearly or rationally at that point.

She can talk to legal authority, but until she feels that her life is in danger the police will not do anything about it - I am educated in legal matters such as that - however; my point and I think the point he is trying to get across is, She did not ask him to stop calling her. She asked him to keep in contact. This is where I don't believe he is overstepping any boundaries that have been set - there are none.

All I think he needs to do right now is stop overthinking things - that's the problem

Well I read differently into what has been said, But I do agree he is overthinking things.

Those of us who have been through breakups knows that this is one of the major problems when it comes to a broken relationship - we over think things and make them out to be worse then they really are. I am a culprit of this myself - I am a rational thinker who tries to fix emotional problems rationally - and some times you can't.

Anyway, he knows how I feel. We have over talked this a million times in the last few days.

OK everyone I have read everyone's back and forth on this whole "stalker" issue and I agree with farfrmnormal. We agreed we would stay in touch and she has not told me not to call her so I feel like there was no harm calling her this morning. I am still going to talk to her later this week or weekend and see where we stand almost a month later. From there, depending what is said, I will begin to heal and start moving on. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So that's all I got for now, talking to her today made me feel better, even if it was just for a little while, but it did so I don't regret it. I am just making myself believe the quote about loving something and setting it free and if it comes back then its real. So I have this in my head and heart, no matter what happends when we talk. I thank everyone for their advice, all of you have helped me to get through this, well start to get through this and see where I need to go moving forward, either with or without her. I don't know what the future holds and if she is the one for me, then I am sure things will work out eventually. I will keep everyone posted on anything else that comes up in the coming days and weeks. Thanks again.

Bummed, first I will start by saying that I am 3 and a half months out of a relationship... ending the same way that yours did. If you feel like reading about it, here is the llink: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-pulled-out-under-me-116355-2.html#post601221

If you go through my entire thread, you will see that I went through much of the same pain as you, as do mostly all of the people that get the $hit end of the stick. I also went through the same thought process as you and therefore posed the same questions that you have. The thoughts that go through your mind, eat you alive inside... "what is she doing now? why couldn't we just talk things out like always? how can she throw away what we had, when only a few days ago, she told me she loves me? will we ever get back together?"... so you sit and think and think and think, and then eventually when you can't think anymore,. you start thinking again. You don't sleep well, you don't eat well, and you don't function well at work, and you just feel pain and weakness. Everything you do, hear, see, smell, taste... reminds you of her, or the two of you together and gets you thinking more. All you want to do is give her the entire world, thinking that this is what she wants, and that this will make her come back to you. I thought about the things I would do for my ex, like take her out, take her on vacation, buy her MORE nice things, nicer than ever before, and just do all these great things to show her she was making the wrong decision.
I cried myself to sleep many nights, and didn't sleep at all many others... I just laid there thinking about the way to get her back, and just kept hoping and hoping that she would come back.

So, I would get on here and ask more questions about what to do... and... I got answers!. answers are just what I wanted... but what the people said, was not what I wanted to hear... NO CONTACT, FORGET HER, SHE ISN'T WORTH IT, SHE SCREWED YOU OVER AND DOESN'T DESERVE YOU, YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON AND SHE IS THE MESSED UP ONE... etc... and I hated hearing all of that, ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT NO CONTACT!. it just didn't make sense and it killed me because I would sit around all day, and stare at my phone, or the clock, or our pictures and anything else that reminded me of her. It just didn't make sense how I loved her more than anything and was 100% loyal and honest, and she just all of a sudden, could decide she wanted to throw everything away and not feel any remorse at all. So, I read and reread and reread what people had written in response, and it just made me sick... but after a while, I started to realize how pathetic I must have appeared... and realized that NO WOMEN would ever be interested me, let alone my ex, with how pathetic I was. So, I decided to suck it up, and start taking the advice.

So, I took down all the pictures of her, us, anything that may remind me of us/her. Then I gathered all of the letters, cards, gifts, jewelry that she had ever given me. Then I gathered all of the clothing that she loved the most, or things she had bought me. I took it all and put it in a box, and stuck it in the attic. Many people said to light it all on fire and throw it away, but that is a bit extreme. Put them in the garage or attic for now. This will keep these things out of your view, and believe me, this made a huge difference. I cleaned everything off my computer that reminded me of her and just made sure that I would be able to go through a day without being reminded of her... of course your brain still plays a part, but that takes a little more time to tame. You will still wake up in the morning and think of her, or be waking up from dreams about the two of you working things out... and this will suck, but gradually, as you won't be continuously reminded of her, this will all go away after a while. TRUST ME!

Next, I changed her the name in my phone from her nickname, to her first and last name. Many people suggest taking the number completely out of your phone, and that prob works too, but I just changed it to be like the rest, and that allowed me to begin to view her as just another friend. Of course in my heart she is more than that, but that will always be,. for now we are just trying to tame the mind. Then, I got a membership at the gym, even though I had been working out on my own outside... it made a huge difference going to the gym. Met a few people there, I don't hang out with them really, but when I go to the gym each day, its nice to see familiar faces and shoot the $hit . I maintained a schedule of going to the gym each day after work, and anytime that I started thinking about my ex. I worked my a$$ off at the gym. I was already in good shape, but I made myself in to shape that I never thought I could, and it feels damn good! It really boosts yourself esteem, and helps you realize what you can still accomplish, even after all you have been through. You have to maintain the schedule though. Also, begin to develop a good sleeping schedule and if you have to , schedule your days ahead of time, and stick to the schedule. This will help you focus on something other than her. I won't lie though, while working out, I would think of her, but I would think of how stupid it was for her to just throw this all away, and that just fueled my fire, and helped me work out... and by the end of the work out... the thought would be gone. I had set goals and created a schedule and was staying disciplined to achieve my goals. Those are three things you must have... GOALS, SCHEDULE, DISCIPLINE!. and you must STAY CONSISTENT with all three... just like a golf swing... if you are missing one or more components of a swing, you will either slice it or hook it.. . GO TO NEXT POST

Well some things have changed in the past 2 hours since I last posted. On my way home I got a call from my ex. We started talking about school and her tests and stuff and then we started talking about how we haven't talked in a week. She was surprised I hadn't called her until today and thought that I was upset or moving on. She also saw some pics on Facebook from when I went out this past weekend and thought that I was moving on. So, she didn't contact me because she figured I didn't want to contact her. So well I am glad I called her today because I know that she does want to talk to me, cares about me and wants me in her life. We kept talking and we have decided we are going to talk to each other when we want, no need to go no contact because she said she just needs some time to figure things out in here life such as school which is really stressing her out and taking a lot of her time. So then we started talking about other things such as if she was seeing anyone, that guy I saw in a picture. She said yeah she is hanging out with him and others from work but nothing more than a friend that she likes to hang out with. When I first saw the pic of them it made me sick and I assumed they were being intimate. She says they are not and she does not want a relationship with him or anyone. If she did, she wouldn't have wanted this break from me. So she says she has thought of me and us but school and other pressures are messing her up. When school starts to die down she says she will be able to really think about what she wants in her future and if she sees me in it as her boyfriend again. So for now we are going to talk when we want to because well after 4 years we know each other well and really do care about one another. I feel a lot better about this other guy I thought she was being intimate and moving on with, she says she isn't so I believee her, she has never given me a reason not to in 4 years. So overall I feel a lot better because I know that she hasn't really moved on and is just taking things slow and seeing what she really wants in her future, which she is really confused on right now. I know you all will think she is prob lying to me but I know this girl better than anyone and I know she isn't lying to me. So I know for now I am just goint to hang out with my friends, maybe her in the near future and just have fun, enjoy life and let things fall into place. If we are meant to be and want each other and love each other as much as we say we do, I truly believe we will get back together down the road. I know nothing is guaranteed so I am not counting on it for sure and will still leave all my options open. But now she knows where I stand and what I want and I know where she stands and what is going through her head. So we may hang out this weekend, we may not but either way I probably won't be talking to her and telling her to either be with me or we are done. So I know everyone will rip me for believing her but I am not ready to make her decide now if she wants me in her future. So that's where we stand for now, so time will tell if more heartache is to come or if things will have a happy ending for a change. So I leave it to all of you to rip me a new one and tell me how stupid I am. Either way , I am willing to risk more pain in the future, for hope that we are meant to be because I love her and no one can tell me different.

I'm sorry, but what you just wrote above... almost all of us have gone through that phase in the breakup too... and we have not ended up back with our ex.

You are developing false hope. Read everyone's posts! We all had these little miracle spurts, and heard our ex's say things like yours, etc. I'm being honest about DO NOT CONTACT HER. My ex and I said the same thing at one point: about both of us just calling each other when we want from now on. My heart really goes out to you because I remember being there.

See, she didn't care enough to say "stop, don't move on, because I want to move on with you." She might have been a little nervous when seeing those pictures and not hearing from you, but now you surely put her nerves to rest, and for sure she will go back to thinking of how everything's safe; that is, everyting's safe enough to let you go because you're staying put anyway.

Believe us. Believe us when we say NO CONTACT. You'll give in a few times and call her and message her, etc, but you'll get how important NO CONTACT is as time goes on. I guess it just takes you putting yourself in a position to lose her over and over again.

... After a few weeks of keeping consistent, I rewarded myself. I took myself out and bought myself a few things that I wanted, such as clothes, electronics, shoes and a few other things. I took myself out to dinner a few times and had some drinks with total strangers at the bar and shot the $hit with the bartenders at different bars... after a while, that got old, and expensive, so I settled back down, but it felt good to be in publc and meet people who know nothing about you, and therefore, won't bring up your ex. I also, began contacting old friends, and began to make closer contact with current friends, realizing that they had kind of been shut out while I was with my ex. The best part about this is that anytime she would call any of our mutual friends, she would ask what they had been up to... and when they told her that they were hanging out with me for the weekend, or that I was in town or something to that effect, she would start to ask about me... and that makes you feel good. She didn't call me or anything, but she started asking them, and they told me that they could tell that she was jealous in a way to hear that I was doing fine, even though I wasn't calling her everyday crying for her. This is the "STRONG" image that everyone says a girl finds attractive. She realizes that you can hold your own without her and that puts a lump in her throat. Don't get the wrong impression though,. this doesn't mean she is going to come back to you right away... instead it will sit on her mind for awhile, and even though you won't know it, it will start to eat her inside.

As time goes on though, as long as you are still No Contact, it will eat at her more and more. She will wonder what you are up to, and I have to credit a nestle' chocolate wrapper for this as it said inside the foil, "Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."... By not contacting her, that is the equivalent of smiling... because you are silently giving her the impression that you aren't going to beg and cry, and instead you are going to make yourself the best person you can be, and stay loyal to yourself and your friends. Even though your heart will still ache inside, she can't see that, and won't know... and then eventually it will ache less and less. Over the next few weeks, I began to hear that my ex had been going out and gettting drunk everyday since we broke up... they said her looks were changing for the negative and she was just being stupid about life. Over the next few weeks, I started to get text messages from her, and I never returned them. I had made a deal with myself, that only a phone call from her, would warrant an answer. If I wasn't worth a phone call to her, then she wasn't going to have the satisfaction of talking to me(this took a little coaching from the people that responded to my post after I received the first text message from her). She would write me about our song being on the radio and how it made her think of me. At first I thought that these messages were the first signs of her wanting to come back to me... but I couldn't let myself get sucked back in to that way of thinking. I just assumed them to be drunken text messages, or times that she was lonely and started thinking of me or was reminded of me by something. I never wrote back, and they started coming more and more. She began hearing more and more about the fun things that I was doing, and more importantly, how well I was doing with my job and so forth and this is another component of the STRONG image that is attractive to them.

Here I was, going on with my life, not calling her, not crying to her, I stopped talking about her with my friends, which made an amazing difference, and through it all, my friends started to see that it was really her that has messed everything up, and that she was the one with problems, and not me. That made a BIG BIG BIG BIG difference! Once they told me that they saw how messed up it was that she ended it like that and that she was the one with problems, it felt good having people seeing my side. I took that as more motivation to continue to "DO ME" and set and achieve new goals. This allowed me to start to realize that she was the immature one, and not myself, as she had claimed I was. I realized that she was a victim of her own problems, and it was worth it to her to throw away my love for her, to go out and get drunk every night. (She has been drunk for 3 and a half months straight now). And if she wanted to be that immature, then so be it. Just a few months prior, I was down and out, and she was living the high life... but I busted my and lifted myself up, and she fell flat on her , thinking she was a damn rockstar, living her life in the bar and at parties EVERY NIGHT.

So, it's been 3 1/2 months now, and I have been no contact for all but prob a week or two. I never thought then, that I would be where I am now... but I took all the advice of people on here, and now, the only time that we speak is when she calls me. She usually only calls me when she needs something or needs to send something back to me that was mine, but when she calls she always wants to know what is going on with me. And, I am usually travelling or doing something fun, so I tell her about the exotic life I am living, flying here and there, and doing this and that... and just leave her to imagine how much fun I will have, and what she is missing out on, while she is recovering from her hangover and wishing she didn't have to go to work with a throbbing headache. I took the opportunity to tell her that it was sad to hear her say how proud she is that she has been drunk so much, and it is said to see that her life has turned to $hit... because I care so much for her, and still love her (and yes, I still, in my heart, wish that someday, after she got her $hit together, would come back, and then I would be able to choose to be with her or not... but this is just a thought, that has no hope attached to it) and I hate to see her doing what she is doing to herself. I told her that she has so much potential, and she is just pi$$ing it all away and that I hope someday she will think about this all, and make something of herself. I told her that I overcame her screwing me royally, and made myself what I am now, and that shows how much stronger I am, than she will ever be. Then I left it at that.

She knows I love her, and care for her... she admitted to all of that the day she was ending it, and how could she not... I was loyal and honest 100%... so I didn't need to tell her that. If she thinks otherwise, she has bigger problems than she will ever realize, and is on the fast track to nowhere, but she will always have to hear our mutual friends, who now see my side, remind her of what she gave away, because she was too selfish and immature. She didn't want to dedicate herself to me and give me the love I deserved, so she did the selfish thing, and disregarded my feelings, and left.

Bottom line, I am only 3 1/2 months out of the relationship, but I feel great. I make myself look at how terrible she is doing each day, and use that to boost myself up! I still go to the gym everyday and still schedule my life and stay disciplined. That makes me feel good. Also, last time she called, when I told her about how sad it was to hear how terrible she is doing, we went to get off the phone, and for the first time since she left... she dind't hang up the phone first. She always told me that she never wanted to be the first to hang up, but only when she was talking to me, so I would hang up first, and occasionally sit on the phone for minutes and not hang up and see if she would, but she never did. It was a little thing we had. However, since she left, when I was always calling her, she would hang up immediately... and now that I have put her to the backburner and realized how much of a bit$H she was to me, she wouldn't hang up the phone first. In fact, I sat the phone on the bed, and got on the computer, and about a minute later, I realized that my phone hadn't made the hang up noise... so I picked it up... and saw it was still showing an active call... so I said, "are you still there?"... and she said to me, "yeah, you know i don't want to hang up first"... and I just laughed and told her goodbye and hung up. It felt good to have that happen... and not the kind of good like, MAYBE SHE WILL COME BACK NOW... but rather it felt good, because she was showing signs of feeling, and no matter how little, she still showed that by holding my own, and not being a pathetic baby, I had strummed her heart, and didn't even try to. Our roles were reversed, if even only for a minute... but the point is, I had come a far way from 3 1/2 months ago, when I was the one that didn't want to hang up.. . GO TO NEXT POST

So realize, that what the people on here are telling you, is the real deal. The idea of No Contact is not to win her back... that is not likely... but rather to allow you to live normal again, and show yourself that you can go on without her. You have to look at no contact in that light, rather than in the light of trying to win her back. Nature will take care of that, regardless of what you do. Just take care of yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing to her... and if she is going to ever come back, you taking care of yourself and becoming strong is what will bring her back... and if she doesn't come back, you will be shocked at who you become over time, and will realize you are better off. I am not saying to give up hope... as anyone that has ever had a strong love, will always continue to have a small hope in the back of their hearts, but even though it is there, you have to make sure it is something that just sits in your heart, and doesn't travel to your brain. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE WHERE I AM NOW... I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH... BUT TRUST ME... YOU WILL BE FINE OVER TIME. YOU HAVE TO STAY NO CONTACT THOUGH!! YOU HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO HAVE TO! It is key! If she cares enough about you, she will call you or come find you. Just think, when you want something bad, you will do whatever you have to in order to get it. Think about the bamas that sit oustide movie theaters for weeks, to see the new star wars movie... they do whatever they have to, to get what they want!. Take care of yourself, and DO YOU!

I want to thank S_CIANCI, GLINDAOFOZ, DENIS777, MCKENZIE134, TALANIMAN, CERIPHANTE, JISER, and CRUSHEDOVERANDOVER... for their words of expertise on my posts through my tough time... and also, friend4u178 for your great post on "what to expect when you get dumped"... as it also aided in my process of healing.

She is probably telling you the truth. If you had not contacted her, she would have assumed that you had moved on. She would have been fine with that. But since you did, she is saying yeah, we can talk.
I think you did her wrong, put her on the spot by contacting her, but it's your life. I hope I'm wrong, but I think you are now going to bug her until she tells you to leave her alone again, or until you break her to the point that she will go out with you.
Think on this. If she says she has pressures, but will not call you, but go out with another guy, what does that say? It says to me, you're not who she chooses to relax with, that maybe you're part of that pressure.
But again, this is your life.

Listen to every bit of what holeinheart21 has said. I know I will. It's so inspirational!!

OK guys I hear you loud and clear. I am not going to be calling her everyday or anythign like that. I just said we will stay in contact here and there. I may have false hope but I am not sitting around waiting for her , sitting on my hands. I will be going out, having fun and if I meet some new girls then so be it. She knows how I feel and when she figures out what she wants and if I am what she wants, I am sure she will let me know. She reallly needs support right now because sschool is challenging and really no one else can help her but me because I have been through this and taken the classes she is taking. She gets really stressed out and lets things overwhelm her so I am not going to push her away and say don't talk to me or call me if she needs help or someone to talk to. I am not ready to lose her so I am not going to push her away. We are best friends and I want to be there for her now when she needs me and not be stubborn and selfish. I care for her deeply so want to see her succeed and if she succeeds in school and clears her head, she can think clearly about what she wants with me and her future. So don't think I think everything is fine and dandy and I am waiting anxoiusly for her. I know this will take some time so I am prepared to just let things play out and nature take its course. It was just good to hear from her that she didn't know why I hadn't called her in a week and that I was out having fun without her. We both still care for each other and probably deep down want to be with each other, whehter she realizes this is up to her. She knows what she will be losing , so its up to her. I will just sleep better knowing she is not jumping back into a relationship right away and just needs some time. So I heed your advice and take it to heart. Thanks again

It is good that you are feeling better about things and I can perhaps understand that you view it stubborn and selfish if you aren't there to support her... but think about that again... that is THE REASON for no contact. She wasn't concerned about you and how this would affect you when she made the decisions she made. So, now she will have to go through a stressful time with these classes, and realize how much you mean to her and how much support you give her. She will never realize this if you continue to be there time after time... especially after her previous decisions.. . Would you have gotten together with her under these conditions?? So, why would you settle for it now. I know your mindset... you are willing to go through any amount of pain, if it means that you will have a minuscule chance of getting together again or getting an honest answer of whether she wants to be with you again... but if school stresses her out, what do you think a job will do? How do you know that nothing else in life will stress her out? You don't and therefore, this can happen again anytime. Why settle for less than she was willing to give you before??

It is good that you are feeling better about things and I can perhaps understand that you view it stubborn and selfish if you aren't there to support her......but think about that again.....that is THE REASON for no contact. She wasn't concerned about you and how this would affect you when she made the decisions she made. So, now she will have to go through a stressful time with these classes, and realize how much you mean to her and how much support you give her. She will never realize this if you continue to be there time after time....especially after her previous decisions. ......Would you have gotten together with her under these conditions?????????So, why would you settle for it now. I know your mindset.......you are willing to go through any amount of pain, if it means that you will have a minuscule chance of getting together again or getting an honest answer of whether or not she wants to be with you again..............but if school stresses her out, what do you think a job will do? How do you know that nothing else in life will stress her out? You don't and therefore, this can happen again anytime. Why settle for less than she was willing to give you before???????


Yeah I get what your saying, well the stress of classes isn't the only reason she wanted a break and to be single. We were having some problems in our relationship. AFter 4 years things got boring and routine. I know I am partly at fault for this and have really realized in the past 3 weeks what needs to be done to ensure this doesn't happen again, if we get back together. So the stress , combined with her family stress and the fact that she wasn't completely happy with our relationship led to this. I think a little time off and a fresh outlook on what we both want is actually good for us. So hopefully we recharge and realize what needs to be done to avoid this in the future to make this relationship work and last. If that doesn't happen , well then it doesn't. But I have faith and hope that it will. So for now we are just supportive to each other because there wasn't anything that either of us did to the other to say OK we are done. Its more like a reflective period to see if this is what we both want moving forward and to get an outlook on what needs to be improved in the future. I know she wants to hang out more with friends, something we didn't really do much of when we were together. She may feel like she was missing out on other things so I kind of understand. So this time is more like a self discovery on her part, and forced on me but I think it will actually make us stronger in the end. If it actually will or not , is what is left to see but I am wiling to risk more pain and heartahce to find out. I know I may be crazy but if things work out , it will be worth it. Thanks for your posts and advice.

How is she supporting you ? Aside from answering the phone when you call.

From what I've read, she left you. She is also 'hanging' out with another guy. Believe what you will about what's happening. I wouldn't call that being supportive.

I agree completely with holeinheart. She has no reason to take you back if you give her the emotional support that might help her. I don't know about you, but when I was stressed out, my partner at the time was usually a big help to get through the situation. You could argue that people are different and react to these situations differently, but I don't know about this one.

If you are anything like I was during my first heartbreak, you will do your own thing despite what anyone says. Maybe this is the lesson you need to learn for the next time. Believe me I wish life was more 'romantic' i.e. they come running back to you, but it rarely happens. I wish it would happen to me, and to you. Ive accepted that it won't though. I went full NC 33 days ago and I feel (well not great) but good.

I wish you the best in the following few weeks. In the end we all just want to be happy right?

How is she supporting you ? Aside from answering the phone when you call.

From what ive read, she left you. She is also 'hanging' out with another guy. Believe what you will about whats happening. I wouldnt call that being supportive.

I agree completely with holeinheart. She has no reason to take you back if you give her the emotional support that might help her. I dont know about you, but when I was stressed out, my partner at the time was usually a big help to get through the situation. You could argue that people are different and react to these situations differently, but I dont know about this one.

If you are anything like I was during my first heartbreak, you will do your own thing despite what anyone says. Maybe this is the lesson you need to learn for the next time. Believe me I wish life was more 'romantic' ie they come running back to you, but it rarely happens. I wish it would happen to me, and to you. Ive accepted that it wont though. I went full NC 33 days ago and I feel (well not great) but good.

I wish you the best in the following few weeks. In the end we all just want to be happy right?


Yeah happiness is what we all hope for and want. You are right, I mean I am putting myself out there for her, but you know if I don't then I just wouldn't feel right. So in the end I may get screwed or it may work out. I'd rather try and go down in flames then let it go and wonder what if. So I may not be following everyone's advice but sometimes I don't know, you have to follow your heart. Thanks for the words of support and luck. If it works out I am a genius, if not I am an idiot, pretty much like everything else in life. Well ill keep everyone posted. Thanks

Same thing happened with one of my past boyfriends and I. We dated almost 3 years, but it ended up just getting boring. We never did anything and I ended up feeling like I missed out a lot on meeting people and hanging out with my gals. What you need to do is give her some time. Don't call her and act sad and stuff like that. She needs some spontinaity in her life. The only thing you need to worry about is her quicky jumping into another relationship. Its easy for that to happen when you get out of a long one and meet someone new and exciting. You need to show her, somehow, that you can be new and exciting again, but only you can figure out how to do that. You know what she likes and what she looks for, but she needs you to be a lot more surprising. It's the same old things that bore us girls to death. If none of that works, then you're still really young. You just need to go out and meet new people-trust me I know how hard that is to do, but you need something new and exciting too. If anything this is a lesson for you. If things don't work out between you two, then at least you'll know in your next relationship that you have to continually be finding ways to keep it exciting. Good luck!

ok everyone i have read everyones back and forth on this whole "stalker" issue and i agree with farfrmnormal. We agreed we would stay in touch and she has not told me not to call her so i feel like there was no harm calling her this morning. I am still going to talk to her later this week or weekend and see where we stand almost a month later. From there, depending what is said, i will begin to heal and start moving on. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So thats all i got for now, talking to her today made me feel better, even if it was just for a little while, but it did so i don't regret it. I am just making myself believe the quote about loving something and setting it free and if it comes back then its real. So i have this in my head and heart, no matter what happends when we talk. I thank everyone for their advice, all of you have helped me to get through this, well start to get through this and see where i need to go moving forward, either with or without her. I dont know what the future holds and if she is the one for me, then i am sure things will work out eventually. I will keep everyone posted on anything else that comes up in the coming days and weeks. Thanks again.None of us knows what the future holds for us... but choices you make now will effect your future possibilities. So keeping a positive attitude is key to keeping the future bright. And keep in mind personal relationships at this young age really are NOT what's most important at your stage of life. People are still deciding who they are and what they want in life. And yeah, every person in their teens and early 20's will argue till they are blue in the face they know what they want... but fact is till your mid 20's to early 30's what's important to you will change. And this includes what you want in a partner.

I've been through that and so has anyone here over 30. I personally believe if the minimum age for marriage was raised to 30 there would be far fewer divorces as a result of those same reasons.

Same thing happened with one of my past boyfriends and I. We dated almost 3 years, but it ended up just getting boring. We never did anything and I ended up feeling like i missed out a lot on meeting people and hanging out with my gals. What you need to do is give her some time. Dont call her and act sad and stuff like that. She needs some spontinaity in her life. The only thing you need to worry about is her quicky jumping into another relationship. Its easy for that to happen when you get out of a long one and meet someone new and exciting. You need to show her, somehow, that you can be new and exciting again, but only you can figure out how to do that. You know what she likes and what she looks for, but she needs you to be a lot more suprising. Its the same old things that bore us girls to death. If none of that works, then you're still really young. You just need to go out and meet new people-trust me i know how hard that is to do, but you need something new and exciting too. If anything this is a lesson for you. If things dont work out between you two, then at least youll know in your next relationship that you have to continually be finding ways to keep it exciting. Good luck!

Thanks , I really think you pretty much hit on my situation. I am giving her some time to do what she feels she needs to. As for getting in a new relationship , she says that she doesn't want that because if she did , she would have stayed with me. So pretty much some time away will probably do us good. I just want to take things slow, have fun together and then see what happens from there. Either way I will learn from this but hopefully we will be able to move forward together and take these things we learned into the future, well that's all I can hope for right?

From what I've seen, by what you wrote, she doesn't want what you do, so shake the false hope, and get busy with your healing. Stop waiting on your dreams to come true, and deal with reality.

From what I've seen, by what you wrote, she doesn't want what you do, so shake the false hope, and get busy with your healing. Stop waiting on your dreams to come true, and deal with reality.


Yeah right now she doesn't want what I want and I understand her reasons. I am willing to take this time apart to become a better person and more well-rounded so if we do get back together in the future, it will be better and last. I am dealing with each day at a time, today I have been feeling pretty good, mostly because I am not thinking about her with someone else or her not caring about me. I am just thinking of how this time will refresh us and give us both a new outlook on what we really want and how to get that. So if that means we get back together, that would be great and I really do want that, hopefully this time will allow her to realize that she wants that too. So, call it false hope but I don't think its false. I know I may be delaying the inevitable or having too much optimisim but all we want in life is to be happy and I feel that we can both do that together. If I learn the hard way , then so be it.

but all we want in life is to be happy and I feel that we can both do that together. If I learn the hard way , then so be it.
You are right we want to be happy but pining that happiness on another human besides yourself is an exercise in futility and very unhealthy. You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot pass that to another. That would be false hope.

You are right we want to be happy but pining that happiness on another human besides your self is an exercise in futility and very unhealthy. You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot pass that to another. That would be false hope.

Exactly; She's not responsible for his happiness! Right now he feels as though she is and that that is the only way he can have a good sleep at night.

Rest assure that time will prove him wronggggggggggg.

Well both of you are right, she shouldn't be the only reason I am happy. She makes me happy but during this time I am trying to do other things to make me happy and become a better person. I know it takes time, but I am just saying that if we get back together in the future, that will add to my happiness , if that's what the future holds. I am not saying that its guaranteed or I expect to be back with her anytime soon. I have been in a better mood and state of mind because I know where she stands and what is in her head, somewhat. I am not killing myself over her being with another guy or going out with other people because I know she still cares about me and needs to find out for herself if this is right and that we still have a chance to make this right, if its meant to be. It is still hard for me, but I am trying to deal with it the best way I can and move forward. So you are both right, I need to be happy with myself to be able to be happy with her or whoever. This is the challenge I have in front of me and I am trying to prove to myself that she isn't the only good thing in my life. Although deep inside I still have hope and faith that we will get back together and we are right for each other. Hopefully this time makes me stronger and makes us, if there ever is an "us" stronger.

Although deep inside i still have hope and faith that we will get back together and we are right for each other. Hopefully this time makes me stronger and makes us, if there ever is an "us" stronger.

But, right now is not a time to focus on your hopes. You have to focus on your needs.

Well everyone I just wanted to say that I have been doing a lot better these past few days since me and my ex talked on Wed. I know that I was making everything seem a lot worse before and was assuming a lot of things. I still think of her a lot and miss her but I am not breaking down and being as emotional as before. We still talk occasionally, every few days or so and we will see how things go in the near future. So just wanted to update everyone and thank you all for your support and advice.

Make sure you are focusing on improving yourself right now during the down time!

Make sure you are focusing on improving yourself right now during the down time!


Yeah, thanks madaman. I am really trying to look back and see what things I could have done better and improve on. I have begun to realize some things that I did that I didn't even realize at the time. So I have been thinking of all these things, looking forward to when I can begin to really express these new views and outlooks on life and relationships. I am giving my ex her space, talking to her every once in a while and look forward possibly trying to have a healthy relationship with her in the future. It is still hard and I do think of her a lot and miss her but I realize that this time will either make us stronger if we get back together or make us stronger for our next relationship and in our lives.

I hope thinks continue to work out for you. Just don't forget... you are the only one responsible for your happiness... no one else. Keep that in mind and you will stay on the right course to self improvement.

I hope thinks continue to work out for you. Just don't forget....you are the only one responsible for your happiness....no one else. Keep that in mind and you will stay on the right course to self improvement.


Thanks star, I know that I have to be happy with myself first in order to make someone else happy and have them add to my happiness. I am learning a lot about myself and how I should really express my feelings to others so they know that I am happy. I am really looking forward to improving myself so that me and my ex can improve our relationship in the near future. I am glad that we are still in contact and still have feelings for each other and I know once I have that chance , I will be able to really show the real me, and who she fell in love with. After 4 yrs , and being young , you kind of think like things will last forever and that you don't need to impress that other person or keep working to make things better. I now understand that a long relationship takes a lot of effort to keep things alive and exciting. I just hope, I am able to learn from these mistakes and be with my love once again. I still have that hope in my head, and whether wrong or not, it keeps me going every day. If I end up getting burned by this, it will suck, but teach me even more about myself.

You keep mentioning that you are doing it for her, and a future relationship possibly. You need to shift your focus and do it for yourself. I would hate to see you crushed and back to square one if she decides she doesn't want to date you again. I realize you are still holding on to that hope but don't let it be all that's in your world.

You keep mentioning that you are doing it for her, and a future relationship possibly. You need to shift your focus and do it for yourself. I would hate to see you crushed and back to square one if she decides she doesnt want to date you again. I realize you are still holding on to that hope but dont let it be all thats in your world.


Yeah I know what you are saying. I am not doing it for her so much, I know I say that a lot but I know I have to do it for myself, and then other things will fall into place. I know there is always the possibility that things won't work out the way I want, so I have been trying to think about that to force myself to look past her if things don't work. Thanks for the advice, I just keep reading and learning and I know things will work out for the best.

Hey everyone, well I did something today that I don't know if it will turn out good or bad. My ex hasn't been feeling well and she has a sore throat and feels really bad today. I sent her some get well flowers with little note saying to get better. I felt like this was a good opportunity to do something nice, nothing crazy but just nice, to show that I really care about her. WEll I am open to opinions, I hope it turns out fine and she won't take it the wrong way. Other than that I really haven't spoken to her since last Thursday. Well that's it for now, I just hope she likes it and sees it the same way I do.

Everyone might not agree with me but I see it as something you should not have done for the very same reasons I have stated before.

#1 she asked for some space, she's not getting it.

#2 you are still clinging on so its really about you and what you want more than it is about her. Everyone gets that sort of thing and worse without expecting flowers or anything. After all a cold is common and everyone gets them.


Long story short... you aren't doing what you need to do to move on, and keeping this up makes you her door mat.

Yeah well I thought it would be nice, if not then I will deal with it. I know she isn't expecting anything that's why I thought it would surprise her and make her feel better, and know that I really care. But hey I guess my idea and what others think is different. I will just see what happens.

I have to agree with Smoothy.

The flowers, like your other moves, were not about her, but about you.

You saw a light of opportunity to break that space she's asking for, and you went for it.

Give her space. Giving space will be about HER and not YOU. And you know what, it will be VERY HARD, but when you do give her space, I swear that "space" will be in your favor too. It will help you focus your energy on that much needed time for you to work on you.

Again, don't look at her as if she is here to make you happy and feed your emotional need. If you try, you'll see that in fact, that's not the case. There are other things that can make you happy... like yourself. You have not been giving this idea some fair attention.

You're also not giving her a chance to miss you at all. When a girl is sick, she probably has some time at home to sit in bed and reflect. BUT you sent flowers, and I guess that checks you off her list again. There's no reflecting on you here, because with her decision of leaving you, she hasn't lost anything; you are still there, and sending her flowers too!!

I see your point, but its just hard to let it be and keep wondering if she is thinking about me or reflecting. Well we will see what happens after this, it is hard to always be thinking that everything I do or don't do is either helping my chances or hurting them. I never really sent her flowers before so I thought it would be a pleasant surprise but I see what you are saying. Well I was weak and went for it, I guess I will see what good or bad comes of it. I am not trying to do anything but let her know how much I really care about her and want her to feel better. I am not showing up at her house or anything, so I mean she still has all the space she wants. Anyway, thanks for your opinion. I hope she doesn't see it that way.

i see your point, but its just hard to let it be and keep wondering if she is thinking about me or reflecting. Well we will see what happens after this, it is hard to always be thinking that everything i do or don't do is either helping my chances or hurting them. I never really sent her flowers before so i thought it would be a pleasant suprise but i see what you are saying. well i was weak and went for it, i guess i will see what good or bad comes of it. i am not trying to do anything but let her know how much i really care about her and want her to feel better. i am not showing up at her house or anything, so i mean she still has all the space she wants. anyways, thanks for your opinion. I hope she doesnt see it that way.


NO! Saying "well I'm not showing up at her house" is you rationalizing why you can break space sometimes. Do you want to do this right? Because your best bet is to give her space.

And if she thinks you're an a$$hole for not sending flowers or calling when she's sick, then trust that she will let you know. And this will have her contacting you. Then you can tell her that you want to respect her decision, and that you want to move on because you feel that you two were more than just friends. So, when you're both ready one day, you can be friends in the future. She will be shocked if you follow through with these statements.

Give the girl a chance. Give her a chance to decide for herself if she wants to come to you. No more thinking that "flowers might help do the trick" BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

hey everyone, well I did something today that I don't know if it will turn out good or bad. My ex hasn't been feeling well and she has a sore throat and feels really bad today. I sent her some get well flowers with little note saying to get better. I felt like this was a good opportunity to do something nice, nothing crazy but just nice, to show that i really care about her. WEll I am open to opinions, I hope it turns out fine and she won't take it the wrong way. Other than that I really haven't spoken to her since last Thursday. Well thats it for now, I just hope she likes it and sees it the same way i do.
I think that was out of line. You are still thinking of yourself rather than doing what she asked you to do. You ar bound and determined to stay on that girl's mind even though she has said she needs a break.

NO! Saying "well I'm not showing up at her house" is you rationalizing why you can break space sometimes. Do you want to do this right? Because your best bet is to give her space.

And if she thinks you're an a$$hole for not sending flowers or calling when she's sick, then trust that she will let you know. And this will have her contacting you. Then you can tell her that you want to respect her decision, and that you want to move on because you feel that you two were more than just friends. So, when you're both ready one day, you can be friends in the future. She will be shocked if you follow through with these statements.

Give the girl a chance. Give her a chance to decide for herself if she wants to come to you. No more thinking that "flowers might help do the trick" BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

I know she won't think I'm a jerk for not sending flowers and I know she doesn't expect anything, I didn't do it because of that. I just thought it was a nice thing to do, and make her feel better that someone cares about her that much. Just to take her mind off feeling bad, I know her better than anyone, and I think she will like it. I am not saying it will make her change her mind or want me more, but maybe think about me and what she means to me. Well that's my opinion, I am no expert but sometimes you got to follow your heart. I don't think it's a big deal either way, so I don't think it was out of line, just something nice. I don't understand why everyone thinks it's a big deal and a big thing that I did this. I guess we will see what she thinks, if she doesn't like it for whatever reason I am willing to face that, but will feel better that I did it.

I know she won't think im a jerk for not sending flowers and i know she doesn't expect anything, i didnt do it b/c of that. I just thought it was a nice thing to do, and make her feel better that someone cares about her that much. Just to take her mind off feeling bad, i know her better than anyone, and i think she will like it. I am not saying it will make her change her mind or want me more, but maybe think about me and what she means to me. Well thats my opinion, i am no expert but sometimes you gotta follow your heart.

but maybe think about me and what she means to me.
This is the thing. You are thinking of you, not what she asked you to do. She may not be angry, but I would be. You are not respecting her wishes at all.

but maybe think about me and what she means to me.
This is the thing. You are thinking of you, not what she asked you to do. She may not be angry, but I would be. You are not respecting her wishes at all.

Well I didn't know her wishes were for me to leave her alone. B/c she never said that to me. All she said is she wanted a break, to do her thing, and time to think. So we still talk and are really close because well after 4 yrs we know each other better than anyone. So knowing her, I thought she might like this. If she doesn't then I will deal with that. If she had told me to leave her alone, and not to call or anything along those lines, then yeah I would not be doing this. We all have different opinions and ways to think of things so I can only see what happens from here. I am not a relationship expert and don't claim to be, I am just in love with her and afraid of losing her. So I would rather do something and say I tried then to leave it be and let things play out for who knows how long. If she says you shouldn't have sent the flowers, don't call me anymore then I will respect her wishes.

I know she won't think im a jerk for not sending flowers and i know she doesn't expect anything, i didnt do it b/c of that.

I know she won't think you're a jerk for not sending her flowers. What I was doing was giving an example to express: DO NOT WORRY, because even if she thinks "what the? why isn't he even caring when I'm sick" that she will let you know and be curious why you haven't been calling.

I put that example because some of the things you have justified doing is, as you say, is you wanting to make her know that you care? So I'm saying, "well even if you don't contact her, do not fear her thinking you don't care because even if she calls you one day feeling hurt...etc..."


I just thought it was a nice thing to do, and make her feel better that someone cares about her that much.

This is smothering her. She asked for space. All the attention you give a person who asks for space, is called smothering. This isn't you showing love.


Just to take her mind off feeling bad, i know her better than anyone, and i think she will like it. I am not saying it will make her change her mind or want me more, but maybe think about me and what she means to me. Well thats my opinion, i am no expert but sometimes you gotta follow your heart.

You have to trust us. You're saying you know her better than anyone, but you didn't really know about this breakup. There were actually a bunch of things in your posts you had no idea about when it came to her, and you didn't know what was going on in her mind. So, trust that you don't know what flowers, texts to wish her goodluck, etc, will do to her: they will make her happy, but only in the sense that you will stay put as she moves on with her life. This is a great feeling for someone who did the breaking up! So if that is your goal (to help her more easily see that she isn't missing something by letting you go, due to you being there with texts, flowers, etc), then continue please.

You're just going through what everyone else has gone through in their breakup. I'm sorry, but I guess you will keep doing things like this for a while, until you see yourself that no contact is the best policy. My heart goes out to you because I have been where you are.

You say that you don't do this to change her mind, but that you do this so she'll think about you more and maybe she'll ponder on what she means to you.

She already knows you care about her. She knows she is the one doing the breakup and that you want otherwise. So anything else you give her or send her will be classified as smothering.


I don't think its a big deal either way, so i dont think it was out of line, just something nice. I dont understand why everyone thinks its a big deal and a big thing that i did this. I guess we will see what she thinks, if she doesn't like it for whatever reason i am willing to face that, but will feel better that i did it.

You do sense that it could be a big deal because you came on here and posted about it.

Leave her alone. Trust that everyone here is talking in your best interest when they say, leave the ex alone, and give her a chance to decide for herself. You want to do this right don't you? Then work on yourself while she is asking for space (jogs, saving money, education, work, hobbies, friendships, etc). What do you have to lose in this process??

Well I came on here to see what others thought. I know I think its just a nice gesture, nothing too crazy or smothering. But I guess it remains to be seen. I respect everyone's opinion and advice, I really do, just sometimes I guess you have to learn for yourself. I know either way she will not base a decision on this alone. She needs to decide what she wants, I understand that, its just hard to be patient. Well thanks again , ill let you all know what happens.

Well i didn't know her wishes were for me to leave her alone. B/c she never said that to me. All she said is she wanted a break, to do her thing, and time to think. So we still talk and are really close b/c well after 4 yrs we know each other better than anyone. So knowing her, i thought she might like this. If she doesn't then i will deal with that. If she had told me to leave her alone, and not to call or anything along those lines, then yeah i would not be doing this. We all have different opinions and ways to think of things so i can only see what happens from here. I am not a relationship expert and don't claim to be, I am just in love with her and afraid of losing her. So i would rather do something and say i tried then to leave it be and let things play out for who knows how long. If she says you shouldnt have sent the flowers, dont call me anymore then i will respect her wishes.


By asking for a break to do her thing is saying that exactly she wants space, space equals time without you in it... she was just trying not to be rude and abrupt.

Hey..

Listen I'm in the same boat, I'm just over three weeks since my boyf took off and asked for no contact for at least a few weeks... and guess what? I've not contacted him once! Not at all, no calls, texts emails, nothing.

I said in an earlier post that yes, I had wanted to do so but each time I've managed to get out of that way of thinking. Yes, its hard but I look at it like this: If he is thinking about me its because he's missing me or is thinking things over. I don't want him to be thinking of me because I'm in his face.

You say you are following your heart and want to try everything you can because you don't want to turn around a few months down the line and think if only I'd tried this or that... To be honest, what you don't want to do a month or so down the line is to suddently think "If only i'd given her the space she asked for"... trust me, if she decides she doesn't want to be with you, you WILL always wish you'd done what she asked.

It's a hard time, I know this more than anyone, but you have to give her what she needs.

Well what's done is done, I will have to live with whatever comes as a result of this. I hope its nothing bad , and ginger, she didn't ask for no contact , just to let you know.

I know she didn't but that's not what I'm talking abou, I was just trying to give you an idea that you aren't alone in such a situation. I'm just saying give her some space... and using my own experience as a guide for you.

to add to above, I really want to do something special for her that will really make her understand how much I want this to work and that i'm sorry for whatever i have done to lead to this. Is this a good idea? How long should i wait before even attempting this? i know that i should probably wait until she feels comfortable to see me but after that how long? I feel like i have to fight for her, b/c if i don't we may grow farther and farther apart? i know this is probably not recommended but i can't sit by for weeks and weeks doing nothing. any opinions? these things are going through my head and seem like a good idea, what do you all think?

You know who needs flowers? You! Maybe not flowes, but a guy's night out, a good dinner, work-out, etc.

You need to be more selfish, but you need to know what to be selfish about. That is, you have to be selfish with what you NEED (time with friends, a break, etc), and stop being selfish with what you WANT (her).

I also understand what you're going thorugh in wondering if you two will grow apart. I feared this and still have a bit of this fear when it comes to my ex.

You probably will grow apart, but just as you two can grow apart, what makes you think you can't one day grow back together? So, trust in nature and don't only look at the situation with a negative eye.

Be positive, but also be realistic. Instead of thinking you've lost the love of your life, like I said before, think that you have lost her "for now". And like I mentioned in another post for you, what are you going to do in this mean time? That is, what you are going to do while there is this space between you? Exciting things I hope.

If you two come back one day, what do you think would be the best case:
(1) you say all you did was go to work and then come home and think about her.
OR
(2) you tell her about that mountain you climbed, you show her the new house you bought, you show her how good you look, you bring out your trophy for that time you won that, you talk about this amazing book you read, you show her pictures of the time you... etc... etc... etc..

i know she didnt but thats not what i'm talking abou, i was just trying to give you an idea that you aren't alone in such a situation. I'm just saying give her some space.... and using my own experience as a guide for you.

Thanks for your advice, I am trying my best but it seems whatever I do never seems or turns out right. I hope I can get through this w/out any more damage being done.

You know who needs flowers? You! Maybe not flowes, but a guy's night out, a good dinner, work-out, etc.

You need to be more selfish, but you need to know what to be selfish about.

I also understand what you're going thorugh in wondering if you two will grow apart. I feared this and still have a bit of this fear when it comes to my ex.

You probably will grow apart, but just as you two grow apart, what makes you think you can't one day grow back together? So, trust in nature and don't only look at the situation with a negative eye.

Be positive, but also be realistic. Instead of thinking you've lost the love of your life, like I said before, think that you have lost her "for now". And like I mentioned in another post for you, what are you going to do in this mean time? That is, what you are going to do while there is this space between you? Exciting things I hope.

If you two come back one day, what do you think would be the best case:
(1) you say all you did was go to work and then come home and think about her.
OR
(2) you tell her about that mountain you climbed, you show her the new house you bought, you show her how good you look, you bring out your trophy for that time you won that, you talk about this amazing book you read, you show her pictures of the time you...etc...etc...etc

Thanks sad, I know you are right, just getting there is tougher than I ever thought. I was doing fine last week and then starting yesterday I just started feeling lost again. I know I just need to be positive but its just so hard sometimes. Well after today and whatever happens, I will continue on my track to become a better person. Its hard to be selfish because I really do just want to be the best for her, be there for her and love her with everything I have. I guess I have to just see what happens and not push it any further.

well whats done is done, i will have to live with whatever comes as a result of this. I hope its nothing bad , and ginger, she didn't ask for no contact , just to let you know.
She did ask for space... as I stated, space = Time apart. That means she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't have to draft a legal document detailing what she doesn't want.

She wanted space, and she was trying to be nice about it. For the vast majority of us that means don't call, don't knock on the door, don't send endless texts, emails or send gifts.

A woman saying she wants space means she doesn't want to see you or hear from you for a while if not forever. Getting in her face will not cast you in a favorable light. What she sees is a guy that won't listen and respect her request.

If you think otherwise you are only fooling yourself. She doesn't see it that way. What she sees is a guy that won't take no for an answer. And quite honestly having known enough women who I was close friends with, not intimate with I know that guys that won't take no for an answer scare them. Sorry to be that blunt but guys that won't leave them alone scare the hell out of them. They are afraid to come right out and be more direct because they feel if you can't take a hint then what would you do if they were rude and nasty about it. And that prospect scares them even worse.

And as I had stated before. A woman that's scared WILL get a restraining order and will be prone to overreact. And that's someplace you don't want to be.

Just listen to what people are telling you here, if only for one week. We aren't just making up things here, telling you to do random things. We have ALL (probably) been where you are and done what you are doing and have seen the results. The people may be different but the situations are almost the same.

Like some others are stating above, she isn't going to be insulted if you actually live your life and have fun without her. It might just intrigue her. What they are all saying is correct, every time you phone, send texts, or flowers, you are proving to her that you are still hanging on, and she can take her time and do what she wants.

If you leave her alone, maybe SHE will start thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about her. Wouldn't that be nice?

She did ask for space...as I stated, space = Time apart. That means she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't have to draft a legal document detailing what she doesn't want.

She wanted space, and she was trying to be nice about it. For the vast majority of us that means don't call, don't knock on the door, don't send endless texts, emails or send gifts.

A woman saying she wants space means she doesn't want to see you or hear from you for a while if not forever. Getting in her face will not cast you in a favorable light. What she sees is a guy that won't listen and respect her request.

If you think otherwise you are only fooling yourself. She doesn't see it that way. What she sees is a guy that won't take no for an answer. And quite honestly having known enough women who I was close friends with, not intimate with I know that guys that won't take no for an answer scare them. Sorry to be that blunt but guys that won't leave them alone scare the hell out of them. They are afraid to come right out and be more direct because they feel if you can't take a hint then what would you do if they were rude and nasty about it. And that prospect scares them even worse.

And as I had stated before. A woman thats scared WILL get a restraining order and will be prone to overreact. And thats someplace you don't want to be.


I get what your saying but I think you are taking it a little to far. We have talked and I know her and they type of person she is, and she is stressed, confused and scared about everything going on in her life. She told me herself, she knows I care and I know her better than anyone. I also know she cares because she told me and we have talked about this. So she knows I am not a stalker guy who won't take no for an answer. I have been her best friend and boyfriend for 4 years and she knows my intentions. I can guarantee you she is not scared of me or what I will do or anything crazy like that. If she didn't want to talk to me, or for me to call her she would have said so, because I asked her straight up. So yes, she wants some space, OK but she doesn't want me out of her life, and I don't either. So I will leave it at that, I know everyone's situation is different and all these advices and opinons don't apply to anyone. I will be first to admit if I am wrong and someone is right. I will just have to see what happens from here on out.

Just listen to what people are telling you here, if only for one week. We arent just making up things here, telling you to do random things. We have ALL (probably) been where you are and done what you are doing and have seen the results. The people may be different but the situations are almost the same.

Like some others are stating above, she isnt going to be insulted if you actually live your life and have fun without her. It might just intrigue her. What they are all saying is correct, every time you phone, send txts, or flowers, you are proving to her that you are still hanging on, and she can take her time and do what she wants.

If you leave her alone, maybe SHE will start thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about her. Wouldnt that be nice?


What you say makes a lot of sense, I know today I may have made a judgment call that may not help me but it was a mistake I made, if it turns out to be a mistake. Yeah I know about living my life w/out her and she knows I am, she knows I have been going out, just as she has. I just thought the flowers would be a good gesture and a nice thing to do. I do hope she thinks of me, I guess I just need to wait it out some more to see what happens. Thanks for putting it clearly in a way that makes sense to me.

I get what your saying but i think you are taking it a little to far. We have talked and I know her and they type of person she is, and she is stressed, confused and scared about everything going on in her life. She told me herself, she knows I care and i know her better than anyone. I also know she cares b/c she told me and we have talked about this. So she knows i am not a stalker guy who won't take no for an answer. I have been her best friend and boyfriend for 4 years and she knows my intentions. I can guarantee you she is not scared of me or what i will do or anything crazy like that. If she didn't want to talk to me, or for me to call her she would have said so, b/c i asked her straight up. So yes, she wants some space, ok but she doesn't want me out of her life, and i don't either. So i will leave it at that, i know everyones situation is different and all these advices and opinons dont apply to anyone. i will be first to admit if i am wrong and someone is right. I will just have to see what happens from here on out.


You have a fixation on her, your judgment is therefor impaired on what she wants and doesn't want.

You are hearing what you want to hear, and twisting everything to suit what you want it to be to justify being in her face.

4 years means nothing at all, people get tired of being with each other even after 40 years together, Is she calling you everyday, is she making the attempts to contact you or is it always YOU initiating each contact? Think about it. Your answer is right there.

She's not scared? Come on... I know women that have been in exactly this situation, they want the guy to leave and he just can't take no for an answer... yeah they are scared... are they going to tell you they are? No they aren't they are afraid of what you will do if they are more direct or what they think you would see as rude.

I'm not kidding here. That's very serious. Women get raped or worse everyday from guys in exactly this same situation and they know it. Some of these women I know had been raped by guys just like that.

You can't see this because you are convinced you are the only one that's right and that if you just keep it up she will change her mind, see the error of her ways and see things your way. Fact is in reality you are doing the opposite.

If you stop there is a remote chance she might come back around, if you keep it up I can guarantee you its going to get ugly. And by that I mean you won't be happy with what happens.

This thread has grown to 44 pages of you repeating the same things over and over again, with everyone telling you to stop.

Make today Oct 8th 2007 the day you changed. You have done the same thing for how many days now, and it should be painfully obvious it isn't working. Make a change, and make it now. The path you are heading down there really is only one outcome and that is you being extremely hurt. Take the other path, the one where you leave her completely alone and live your own life. In the end there are two results: Her coming back to you, or you being happy without her (and finding someone else way better).

You keep saying that she 'wants' you to contact her and keep in touch. That is nice that you are concerned about what she wants. You want her to be in love with you and come back to you. She's not concerned about your 'wants' why are you concerned about hers? Why are you giving so much when she wouldn't do the same for you? How does that actually make you feel? Personally I don't do things for people who wouldn't do things for me.

This thread has grown to 44 pages of you repeating the same things over and over again, with everyone telling you to stop.

Make today Oct 8th 2007 the day you changed. You have done the same thing for how many days now, and it should be painfully obvious it isnt working. Make a change, and make it now. The path you are heading down there really is only one outcome and that is you being extremely hurt. Take the other path, the one where you leave her completely alone and live your own life. In the end there are two results: Her coming back to you, or you being happy without her (and finding someone else way better).

You keep saying that she 'wants' you to contact her and keep in touch. That is nice that you are concerned about what she wants. You want her to be in love with you and come back to you. Shes not concerned about your 'wants' why are you concerned about hers? Why are you giving so much when she wouldnt do the same for you? How does that actually make you feel? Personally I dont do things for people who wouldnt do things for me.


Well, him doing the same thing and to keep wanting to hold on is rather normal, despite it being what will bring him more heartache. For his length of a relationship, I would imagine he would be like this for a good year.

This is just something he has to go through and despite our efforts, he will probably still be in a desperate and depressed state (which is what most of us went through for a long time, including myself). But I've noticed some rare posts where people follow the advice of NO CONTACT, and they seem far better off.

I guess our job is to keep helping push him in the other direction. I know on my personal posts that helped a lot.

And what you wrote there, about him saying he keeps in touch because that's what she wants, etc, yet she doesn't seem to care about what he wants: WOW! BANG ON! You are very right!

Well, him doing the same thing and to keep wanting to hold on is rather normal, despite it being what will bring him more heartache. For his length of a relationship, I would imagine he would be like this for a good year.

This is just something he has to go through and despite our efforts, he will probably still be in a desperate and depressed state (which is what most of us went through for a long time, including myself). But I've noticed some rare posts where people follow the advice of NO CONTACT, and they seem far better off.

I guess our job is to keep helping push him in the other direction. I know on my personal posts that helped a lot.

And what you wrote there, about him saying he keeps in touch because that's what she wants, etc, yet she doesn't seem to care about what he wants: WOW! BANG ON! You are very right!
Notice... HE is the one always calling her, never her calling him. Like she is incapable of picking up the phone if it was truly her wanting to talk to him. That speaks volumes on his self delusion there, its really all about him not about her or it would be her initiating the contacts all the time, if she wanted to hear from him incessantly she wouldn't have asked for a break, and therefore space. Lets hope he takes our advice before she feels hounded enough to contact the authorities.

Hey I feel for the guy, I've been there before... but you have to know when to let go. This is an obsession, not love.

Oh I know, it took me a year of extreme pain to get over my 'first' and that was a 3.5 year relationship. But I didn't have anyone to help me or guide me. I did everything that he's done and probably more. I really wish I hadn't. This time around I'm 2 months in and already seeing some other girls. Im still in pain sometimes, but I can already visualize myself happy without 'my' girl. Its because I took the NC route as soon as I could, threw out everything of hers etc and made a strong effort to fix myself. I just hate seeing him go through this, because I know exactly what its like.

False hope is the ultimate killer when trying to heal.

Notice...HE is the one always calling her, never her calling him. Like she is incapable of picking up the phone if it was truly her wanting to talk to him. That speaks volumes on his self delusion there. Lets hope he takes our advice before she feels hounded enough to contact the authorities.


Lol. I think I showed I noticed when what you quoted me saying says (at the bottom) "wow! bang on!" etc in regards to her not really caring what he wants.

Smoothy, I hope he does take the advice of no contact! And, yeah, I agree with you that the person who was dumped usually has a lot of delusions. I think NO CONTACT helps dispel some of these.

Lol. I think I showed I noticed when what you quoted me saying says (at the bottom) "wow! bang on!" etc in regards to her not really caring what he wants.

Smoothy, I hope he does take the advice of no contact! And, yeah, I agree with you that the person who was dumped usually has a lot of delusions. I think NO CONTACT helps dispell some of these.
I agree, he needs to get his head clear and that's what its going to take, NO CONTACT WITH HER. I suspect its this obsessive behavior that lead her to ask for a break in the first place.

I agree, he needs to get his head clear and thats what its going to take, NO CONTACT WITH HER. I suspect its this obsessive behavior that lead her to ask for a break in the first place.


I may be obsessed with her now, especially not having her but it is not that I have an obsession, it is love that I just feel I can't express to her anymore. It was not like this and this before and this is not the reason she wanted a break. I have read everyone's posts and I agree and disagree with some points that everyone is making. And for the record, she has called me , not just me calling her all the time. So she got the flowers, texted me thank you and that she liked them and appreciated it and it was thoughtful. That is all I was hoping for, not that she would say ohh I want you back now. It was just something that was nice and thoughtful. So that's done with, we are still in communication , I said I would talk to her later and she said to text her later because she can't talk (strep throat). So that's where we stand now, I do not call her all the time nor bother her. So I take all of your advice to heart, it has truly helped me to cope with this situation, and hopefully to overcome it for the better. Hopefully with her, yes that's what I want, but if not I will move on. It is still too soon to tell though.

Obsession and love feel the same to the person who is afflicted with it. Its like judging the size and ferocity of a mob fight when you are in the middle of it. You really have to be outside the situation to be able to see what's really happening.

For the record how many times has she called you since she asked for space? And not her returning your call or voice mail.

OK, now how many times have you called her?

See my point. You are still forcing yourself on her.

Obsession and love feel the same to the person who is afflicted with it. Its like judging the size and ferocity of a mob fight when you are in the middle of it. You really have to be outside the situation to be able to see whats really happening.

For the record how many times has she called you since she asked for space? And not her returning your call or voice mail.

OK, now how many times have you called her?

See my point. You are still forcing yourself on her.

Yeah, I have probably called her more since the beginning, but that first week or so I was a mess and didn't know what was really going on. Since we talked a few times in person, I have not called her a lot, for a whole week I didn't contact her and she called me a few days in a row. So I am not keeping track, this isn't a game, if I want to talk to her, I am going to, if she wants to talk to me , she will call, and she has. So all this back and forth should I or shouldn't I call her isn't working. We may not be together but we still care about one another enough to keep communication open. I tried the NC for a week and it didn't work, she thought I was upset and moving on and she didn't call me because of that, she thought I didn't care anymore which is not true. This is a time to reflect for both of us, she may not know what she wants but I feel if I disappear totally it will be doing more harm than good , at least in this situation. I may be wrong, only time will tell. So I am giving her space, not smothering her , and I feel I have been doing the right thing for now. As time passes, the situation may change and at that point we'lll see where we go from there. I am in the middle of all of this so I prob don't see it as clearly as I should or would if I stepped back, but for now that's all I can do.

So she got the flowers, texted me thank you and that she liked them and appreciated it and it was thoughtful.

Did she call you and thank you for you having flowers delivered?

Because if she didn't, it's a sign she really needs space.

This doesn't mean she doesn't think the flowers were great. But it does tell you something.

If she didn't call to say thank you... think about this... she's telling you something. I mean, she might not even be thinking "god I need some space" but it's likely that she unconsciously texts you due to not wanting to be close. She wants out.

See, I'm telling you that she is not "planning" her actions, because she is not a bad guy here. She is just a girl who wants some space, and she cannot control how she is feeling. You can't control this either.

Now if its an even balance or close to it.. then maybe its not so much you forcing yourself on her, but if she has only called a couple times and not in response to a voice mail or anything you left then I think I'm right.

But in my mind you should still cut her loose, because by wanting space but talking to you she is trying to have her cake and eat it too if you are right, and that's still wrong. And If I'm right should let her go because that's what she asked for.

In any case what's been going on is doing nobody any good. She either needs all the time and distance in the world to decide if that's what she wants or not. And she did ask for that.

Or she's got to decide she doesn't want her space.

In any case your judgment on the matter is clearly clouded and because of that suspect.

You can't be obsessive about someone like you are and be objective at the same time... can't happen, won't happen, and isn't happening.

Did she call you and thank you for you having flowers delivered?

Because if she didn't, it's a sign she really needs space.

This doesn't mean she doesn't think the flowers were great. But it does tell you something.

If she didn't call to say thank you... think about this... she's telling you something. I mean, she might not even be thinking "god I need some space" but it's likely that she unconsciously texts you due to not wanting to be close. She wants out.

See, I'm telling you that she is not "planning" her actions, because she is not a bad guy here. She is just a girl who wants some space, and she cannot control how she is feeling. You can't control this either.


Well as I said, she texted me thank you and that she liked them and they were nice and it was thoughtful. She can't talk because she has strep throat and it hurts. So I understand, she said to text her later because her throat hurts. So I think she liked them, in what context I don't know but she appreciated it, which is all I was really going for.

I think most here have given you advice to help you, since we know nothing of her, or her motivations. The point being that you need to be healthy, and live your life, and not have expectatations of something more with this female. Make awfully sure that you keep your own life on the right path, and not let her being nice and friendly, hold you back on your own happiness. No one can say where this will end up. We are not psychics, but from experience, make your decisions based on fact not your aching, hoping heart.

Well flowers were thoughtful, but keep in mind you are both very young. She started to realize this... that is why she left. She wanted to be absolutely sure you were the best thing for her. You are still acting as if you are in a serious relationship... even though you say you are both friends. You are not acting like a friend. If a friend acted that clingy, I would probably ditch them (I actually ditched one of my guy friends... because he was really starting to creep me out with his hovering) . Be very wary of what you do, or you may get the final boot. It is one thing to be caring and another to be obsessive... a very fine line. Take care!

Well flowers were thoughtful, but keep in mind you are both very young. She started to realize this....that is why she left. She wanted to be absolutely sure you were the best thing for her. You are still acting as if you are in a serious relationship....even though you say you are both friends. You are not acting like a friend. If a friend acted that clingy, I would probably ditch them (I actually ditched one of my guy friends...because he was really starting to creep me out with his hovering) . Be very wary of what you do, or you may get the final boot. It is one thing to be caring and another to be obsessive.....a very fine line. Take care!


Thanks, well said, I know the line is thin , I am trying not to overstep my boundaries with her and I don't think I am. I will try my best to move on my own path, but still want her in my life. WE will see what happens I guess, time will tell what reallyhappens.

WE will see what happens i guess, time will tell what reallyhappens.

You keep saying "we will see what happens" or "only time will tell" when you never seem to wait for time to tell you...

Please go about doing all the great things everyone helped list out for you to do (everything that could make you a stronger, healthier and more attractive man), instead of getting impatient and trying to control the situation with your ex.

Be true to what you say in regards to, "only time will tell" and give time a chance. You'll be giving your ex a fair chance this way too.

Trust all the people who have posted this for you!

Yeah I know I keep saying it, it sounds so good,but time is just going so slow!

WARNING!!!DO NOT READ IF YOUR SENSITIVE!!!!

There will never be any good from sticking your head up a females butt. MANHOOD is all about dealing with the facts as they are, and doing what you must, for your own good to build a happy secure life. That means making the hard decisions, for the long term good. Yes, letting go, and starting over is a life changing event, but not the hardest one you will face, and definitely not the only one.

yeah i know i keep saying it, it sounds so good,but time is just going so slow!

Time will 'speed up' once you stop thinking about her and how you can talk to her next or impress her. It will speed up once you start working on yourself. Start playing a new sport or learn an instrument. It will be really hard to focus at first but just stick with it.

Time will 'speed up' once you stop thinking about her and how you can talk to her next or impress her. It will speed up once you start working on yourself. Start playing a new sport or learn an instrument. It will be really hard to focus at first but just stick with it.


Yeah that's something I have been trying to do, getting back to the driving range and hopefully if weather holds up start getting to the golf course more often. Golf should take my mind off things for a while at least.

So I haven't posted on this thread for sometime. Basically, you've been going around in circles since the very beginning and haven't moved forward even one step. If anything, after three weeks, you're at or worse than square one.

Since you claim to LOVE her, don't you think you should do the ONE THING she asked. LEAVE HER ALONE! At this point, do it for her sake, because you're clearly not trying to help yourself by repeatedly pushing a square peg into a round hole.

You made this girl your entire life and now she's gone. And now YOU ARE BEING SELFISH by trying to FORCE THE ISSUE. I mean seriously dude, she's trying to move on and live her life. Have some spine. DO THE SAME.

Most GIRLS LIKE FLOWERS. What was she going to say to you? She's a nice person. She said thanks. What was she going to say?

Anyway, I'm sorry for being harsh. But through this entire thread, the only thing you've focused on is how to win her back not how do I MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. People have given you spot on advice for the latter, but you choose to ignore it and focus on anything or any ploy to win this girl back.

SHE'S NOT STUPID. She knows what you're trying to do by sending flowers, texting, calling. You can't TRICK HER into liking you again. LEAVE HER ALONE. You're literally going insane trying to figure out what to do to get her back.

And we've all been in your shoes. These situations are all fairly similar. Don't have the ILLUSION that yours is somehow different. It's not. And from our collective experience, we've all told that the point is TO GET BETTER, NOT get her back.

With all that said, I am still hoping you finally start helping yourself. Only you can do that. SHE CAN'T and she shouldn't have to. And we are doing everything we can. So that leaves you to do your part.

Good luck.

--Cali

Look at it this way... since you can't seem to accept the advice we have been giving you to back off.

I for one don't even know you and can see your obsession. Can you imagine how bad that makes you look in her eyes. No woman wants a man that is that out of control. It's a huge turn-off to women. They hate immature men and crybaby types... as well as mommas boys. And all this incessant insistence you are the only one that knows what's right and good only shows we are right about this.

The most certain way to drive her off for good is keep doing what you are doing and keep in her face. If she didn't want space she would not have asked for it.

Its time to show some maturity, be a man and as suck it up and do what's right. Give her the space she asked for... women don't ask for space then ask for you to keep calling etc... those two things are mutually exclusive. You can do one or the other but not both. I can believe she asked for space... I think the part of keeping in touch was something you dreamed up or misunderstood however based on everything that has been said. Yeah its going to hurt, boo hoo, that's life, everyone deals with it many times in their life, dealing with it is part of being an adult, not running away from it.

Keep it up what you are doing and you will convince her you are not mentally stable. And I know that's exactly what you don't want to do.


Hate to be so brash, direct and harsh, but nothing else seems to be working being that we are on page 46 and you still don't see what you are doing wrong.

OK, I get everyone's point that I have to start moving on. Let me ask you all something, did you do the right thing when you were faced with this situation for the first time? Did you ever have that hope that I am feeling and the sense that its not over , just a rough patch in the road? You are all right, I can't let her dictate what I do with my life and I need to control myself. Well with all that being said, what do you do if you KNOW that person is the one you want to be with forever. Do you let it go and push it away further or keep them close? I think I may be coming across as an obsessive guy that is all up in her business and smothering her when I post on here. This is not true, I am giving her space, and we have talked and decided that she just needs time to think things through and figure things out and that we can still stay in contact. I am not trying to force anything with her and I don't want to force her now to make a decision about her future. So with this being said, I should just tell her I don't want to talk to her anymore until she decides what she wants? Wouldn't this push her away further, at least now we are talking and still close. Or is this the problem, with me around she will never really realize what she wants? I admit I am confused and in love and it may be blinding the reality of the situation. All I know is that I want to be with her, and she may also, but is just confused and overwhelmed right now. If I am not there for her when she needs me, wouldn't that show that I really don't love and care as much as I say I do? I know this post has gotten huge, and I really appreciate everyone taking time to read it and offer their opinons and advice. Without it , I would be even more lost than I am now. I just want to do the right thing and give myself a chance again, not ruin it or make things worse. In respect to becoming a better person, I have really been able to reflect on our relationship and see what needs to be improved in the future. All I want is to show her that if we work on it, things can be like they use to be, and we can both be happy, because the foundation is there. We know each other better than anyone, care about one another, and can be ourselves and act normal around each other. Am I wrong for wanting this? I feel like everyone is saying I should just suck it up and move on withuot her, leaving all we shared and still share in the dust. I just don't think I am ready to do that now, and I am not sure when I will be. Does this make me less of a man? I never was emotional and never cried, but this has changed me, I now know its OK to express those emotions because if not, they will stay inside and one day explode in a way that may not be good. So really all I am asking is Why does it seem like everything I feel is right, actually so wrong?

I find it funny that the title of this whole question was 'girlfriend wants a break. How to accept it?'. 46 pages later you still refuse to 'accept' it.

We say you need to focus on yourself, and you spin it to be you focusing on yourself to improve your relationship with her. That's not what we are saying.

We say leave her alone, and you ask us how to tell her that you are going to leave her alone.

We say by being independent and doing things only for yourself, you will be happier. You ask us 'well won't she think I don't care anymore if I stop calling?'.

When this is over, you are going to look back and kick yourself for not listening to EVERYONE here sooner. You ask us if we made the mistakes you are making the first time around, and yes I know I did, but I didn't ask for help on a great site like this. If I had had this during my first breakup I wouldn't have been so messed up for a YEAR after (and during that year I met at least 4 great girls who I scared away because I wasn't over my ex).

When this is over, you are going to look back and kick yourself for not listening to EVERYONE here sooner. You ask us if we made the mistakes you are making the first time around, and yes I know I did, but I didnt ask for help on a great site like this. If I had had this during my first breakup I wouldnt have been so messed up for a YEAR after (and during that year I met at least 4 great girls who i scared away because I wasnt over my ex).


You know you are probably right. I wish it was as easy as it seems to just follow everyone's great advice. My head is all over the place and my heart refuses to let go. I need more time to really see what is going to happen with us. It has been a month, I have made some progress because I am not breaking down emotionally like I was the first 2 weeks. I feel like I am able to do things without her, but I admit I do think of her and miss doing things with her. So I know it will take some time, I hope I can look back at this time and see that it made me a better person, whether I am with her or not. Its just Way harder than I ever thought. Thanks again.

Its OK and normal to miss her. You would be a robot if you didn't. What I am trying to say is don't degrade yourself to giving up everything for her (ie your pride, etc) because if she never wants you again you will be a broken man. There is no better feeling then looking back at a situation like this and being proud of what you did and the actions you took.

You know, I've been told to leave, and I've told women to leave. Yeah its hard, and yeah it hurts, nobody here will say it isn't.

Best way to do this is walk away, don't call her to tell her you are walking away. Just do it cold turkey, anything else just prolongs the pain.

Now if in a month or two she calls you, just tell her she wanted space and you are giving it. Put it on her shoulders. In the mean time you move on with your life and find a woman that knows what she wants... trust me, its usually the woman that knows and the guy that doesn't.

You have to simply pick up yourself up, and from this moment on pretend she no longer exists. No calls, no emails, to text messages, just stop and move on.

In a few months when you find a woman that knows what she wants in life you will be thanking us, and come to the realization of what a waste of your life this one has been.

Relationships take two people... if one isn't doing their part, or doesn't want to, or even decides there is no relationship then you have to move on.


She has made it clear to the rest of us there is nothing... there never will be anything and any belief to the contrary is delusional behavior.

And you ARE being delusional, and you ARE blind to the signals she is giving that are obvious to everyone else here.

You can't make anyone else do or think what you want... so its stupid to try or even think you can. You will end up in a straight jacket in a padded cell before that ever works.

Now do you want to end up in a nut house or are you going to take charge of your life and move on?

I think the hardest thing for him to accept is that she is just stringing him along right now. Because they have dated for so long, in his mind he sees a perfect girl who would never do that to him. In reality she is doing it but he won't accept it.

Be the stronger person and walk away. Like smoothy said you will be proud of yourself, and so much happier when you find a girl who wants what you want. And yes it will happen, unless you carry away too much baggage from this girl which is what will happen if you don't let go!

I can still remember when I was you! I can still remember all that came after HER! I grew! So must you! If I had not let go of the past, I would not be married for 33 years with a bunch of grandkids jumping on my belly welly!! They are in school, and me and my better half enjoy to the MAX our time together. WHY?? Because life is that PRECIOUS!! And we earned it!! The glitch in your life is temporary, grow and make your life own happy!

1. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/wildcat-advice-30454.html

2. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/back-board-128846.html


The first post is how I made my way onto this board. The second is after a 6 month hiatus. Now, my first post was about my worst break-up ever. Not the first, but definitely the worst. I was dating a woman I was planning to marry, someone I lived with, and someone I saw my life with. She left.

The second post is how I am now. The main thing you should note in the first post is NOT my desire to GET BACK WITH THE EX. It was my DESIRE TO MOVE FORWARD. And it took me 5 MONTHS to be fully normal. Where I didn't really care anymore. But in that time, I NEVER ONCE CALLED, TEXTED, EMAILED. And guess what, I saw her all the time since she worked near me. I had all the delusions that you are having, but I realized THEY WERE DELUSIONS. I never acted on them.

It was hell for the first three months. I worked non-stop. I worked, worked, worked. I started taking jujitsu. I hit the gym like a bat out of hell. And it started to pay off. In between the first post and the second, I briefly dated four girls. And then this summer, I had a new girlfriend. One who was very caring and loving, WAY BETTER than the ex.

One thing I did realize, which you do not seem to, is that this girl has put you through tremendous pain. And I decided that I have a lot going for me, I'm smart, I'm fun, and I'm not too bad on the eyes. SO SCREW HER. She had it good, and she lost.

That is not to say I did not miss her. I missed her a whole lot. And I thought of her often. Sometimes I still miss some of the good times we had. But I've good times with plenty of people, friends, family, other girlfriends. And none of them HURT ME SO BAD. So, like I said, SCREW HER.

I spent my post break up trying not to feel like crap. What I wanted was the crappy feeling and misery to go away. The last thing that was going to do that WAS RUNNING BACK TO HER. I MOVED FORWARD, trying to distance myself from something that caused me so much pain. I DON'T WANT PAIN. I want to be the happy-go-lucky guy I normally am.

I learned a lot from that break-up. In retrospect, I'm a far better person, and I have far more control over my emotions. And funny thing is, I'M HAPPY I WENT THROUGH it now. It has made me a better man.

Now, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE FORWARD. One, two, three, FORWARD MARCH.

No more asking, "how do I get her back". Start asking the right question. HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?

--Cali

I agree with Ilovecali. I especially like the part about being happy you went through it. Situations like these really do make you a better person (if you actively take the steps to better yourself). Improving yourself will make your next relationship that much better!

SO WHOEVER DUMPED, MOVE ON!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE UNTIL YOU LET GO.

Not only do I remember your story, I also remember how you have helped others. Thanks!

So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?

Say no... she asked for space, give it to her, all the space she can handle and then some... Like I said, put it on her shoulders.


If you ever want to get past this and If you have an ounce of self respect you will do just that. You don't want to be the spineless door mat to anyone.

So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?


YES. YES. And YES. STAY AWAY FROM HER. You like BEING USED?

--Cali

Take back control of your life, and stop being so available.

Originally Posted by bummedout4
So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?

Can't you see how the false hope is getting in the way of logical, healthy thinking? Get healthy, and then deal with the world.

I realized I haven't seen any posts in this thread in the last day or two, and I wanted to check up. Its funny how you can genuinely be concerned about people you've never met.

Hope you are doing allright buddy!

Hey thanks man, yeah I am doing OK. I just pretty much have stopped wanting to talk about it and start moving forward. Everyone has given me good advice and I am just sorting out what I am going to do. Me and the ex are still in contact, maybe every other day or so and just talk about school and whatever. I talked to her mom about things going on and her opinions and she said that she sees my ex trying to be someone she isn't and that she feels that she was missing out on the single scene because her friend or other people were having so much fun and she was getting bored in our relationship. She has been sick twice in 4 weeks and her mom and I both think that eventually she will burn out, because this is not her personality. So basically she says it's a good sign that my ex hasn't cut me out and we still talk because when she doesn't want anything to do with someone, she will cut them out of her life. So... basically I am just letting things go for now, giving her the time she wants, not trying to think about where she is or what she is doing and I think next month sometime, we will have to sit down and talk about what is going on. As for that other guy, well her mom asked her about it and she said she doesn't want another boyfriend or relationship and they are just friends. So I take her word for it, and either way I can't control it so I try not to think about it. So I am willing to give her more time, so she can deal with school, stress and whatever else is going through her head. I'll see where we are at , at the end of this month and see where to go from there. She says she will be ready to talk to me when school dies down and after some time passes, so I am willing to "wait" for that.
I am not waiting by the phone and moping around, I am trying to have fun and go out so that she knows I am living without her. So I know this is not NC but I feel with her NC will only push her away further. So this is my course of action for now, I am just trying to be patient and see where this time apart leads me and us. I may still be delusional but its only been one month and I am not ready to accept that its completely over. I understand right now we aren't together and its over, but I think in time her true feeling will come out, and she will either realize we can make it work or she doesn't want to. Right now she is confused and trying out new things, and I am trying to do the same. I know you are all going to be mad at me, and think I don't appreciate your advice, but I do. Its just I feel that in my heart I am not ready to cut her out, and push her to make a decision to either be with me now or to not call me until she figures it out. It may work out, and it may backfire and hurt me even more, but I feel it's the right thing for me right now. As things change, then I will surely adjust my thinking and what I feel is right. Thanks for the concern about me, I'm still here.

Yep you just need a bit more time. People usually go through this for a good year.

One this if for sure through: you'll come out of this stronger and wiser, as long as you keep making tiny efforts to move forward.

This may sound totally insane but it's somewhat age related. I've seen this quite a bit lately, a girl turns 22 and the biological clock switches and she wants to make sure she isn't with the wrong guy. For men it comes at a different age. Believe me it's best you let her explore and hold off like she has the plague. Furthermore, you should act aloof and colder. She is shutting you out of her life remember. Read my post dude "I'm in dire need of assistance". While it's not the same situation my girl was 23 when she said some of the same things to me. It's time to show her what kind of man you are by facing this situation with some bravado. Remember you aren't friends, you're lovers, don't let her use you while she feels lonely. She'll go out all right and date and flirt and explore, but usually they come back especially if you improve yourself and follow a strict code of no contact and strength. That's because they realize that their "illusion" of what's really out there is just that an illusion. The dating scene can be real rough you know? If you are alone it's time you find some hobbies. Join a gym and some clubs. Volunteer and you may even find a cute volunteering girl that is more giving that she is. Cheers.

Thanks for all the extra opinions and advice. I know I need to just play it cool and not be around but I just wish I could get it out of my head. The weekends are the worst because I know she is out with people, guys and I just keep thinking about it. Even when I am doing something and trying not to. I just want all this to end so I can feel normal again.

I am starting to really realize that it seems like she wants me here to talk to and help her with school but doesn't want much to do with me on the weekends, when she is out with other people. So do I just not answer her calls anymore? Whenever she does call. Do I tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants , and that I won't be used as a crutch for her? Or do I just start ignoring her and call her back whenever I choose? We are now 5 weeks out and I feel that it is going to take longer for her to realize what she wants, and since she knows I want her , she probably thinks no matter what I am here waiting for her. So how do I do this w/out being mean and making her push me further away? I know she has said she doesn't want me out of her life and wants to be able to talk to me and I can talk to her when I want and its not bothering her, but I am starting to see more clearly that this is just leaving me hanging, waiting for her and pretty much making my life miserable. I have done this for this long, but know I cannot do this much longer. It is hard to think about ignoring her and not talking to her but it seems like she is looking to do different things right now and I am not really in those plans other than a friend. Whether this is temporary or not, I don't know. Well this is what happens when I am home and have nothing to do, I think about all these things and probably overanalyze everything. Well thanks to everyone for their advice.

Go back and read everyone's responses from the start, and realize you already know exactly what to do. Nows your chance to start healing.

I think you need to act like she has told you that you guys are done. Move on.

All right everyone, I think I am down to my last straw. I don't think I can go on with this limbo and confusion. I am going to talk to her, tell her that I can't do this anymore. She is having her fun and keeping me on the side guessing what she wants or waiting for her to change her mind, if she ever will. I am just going to tell her that she is throwing away a loving relationship that has lasted 4 years, that may have had its up and down, but has the potential to be great if we both put the effort. I feel that she is lying to me about that other guy and I feel that she is dating him and possibly going out with him after telling me that she doesn't want a relationship. She seems to be telling me what I want to hear and my life is just upside down and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't really want to do this, but I can't go on anymore with this. I am depressed and feel lost and cofused. She needs to know that she is losing me, my love and my comfort. And if she realizes she made a mistake, I may not be here. So whether this is the right or wrong thing to do, I think I have to make it clear and take the upper hand because I don't deserve to be played like this. Well I will let you all know what happens whenever she calls me back. I hope to meet with her within next few days but if not , I will have to do it over the phone. Either way she needs to get the message.

You don't need to tell her how she is throwing a good thing away. Don't try to lay a guilt trip on her. Just tell her that it seems that she has gone on with her life and now you need to move on with yours. Wish her happiness and then don't call her anymore.
This way you have called the shots. End this.

Will this make her think about what she has done and how she has treated me? Because now she is not thinking about any consquences because I am still here, waiting and she knows it.

I don't know, but what difference does it make? She has moved on. Telling her this is not going to make her change her mind. This is what you are still trying to do, make her see the error of her ways make her fel gulty for leaving you.
She wants to move on and she is doing it. You need to move on.

OK well we talked, she has been dating that guy for 2 weeks now. She said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Well too late for that, my feelings have been hurt for 5 weeks. She said she doesn't want to lose me in her life, she still cares about me and loves me but isn't "in love" with me. She says she doesn't know about anything and if she is making the right decsions but doing what she feels is right for now. She wasn't happy with our relationship and I guess this guy is new and makes her feel happy for now. She even says that she could be making a big mistake but doesn't know. So I told her what I felt, I want to be with her and I would do anything to make it work between us but she doesn't feel that right now. So basically we are done, she still wants me around as a friend, after 4 yrs she still likes to talk to me and cares about me but I told her I don't see her as a friend and don't know if I can do it right now. I told her she can call me when she wants, whether I will answer I don't know, but I am not going to call her because its too hard for me. Well its hard for me to accept she is with somebody else, seems like a rebound so who knows how long it will last. I feel really bad right now, but hopefully knowing will ease my mind instead of wondering and assuming everything. I told her I hope she realizes what she is doing and what she is missing out and that I hope she find what she is looking for. One day that may be me again, but who knows. She is so confused about her future that she doesn't even know what she wants. So I guess I have no choice but to move on. I thank everyone for their advice. I hope she will realize that I am who she really wants one day, but by then I hope to have moved on and found someone better. I really do love her and it really hurts so I don't know what to do now, but I am trying my best to go on. I thank you all for your support.

The part about her saying that she may be making a mistake, etc, is something that most ex's say. Don't listen, even though she is telling you the truth. Don't listen because it will distract you. And remember she has been seeing someone for two weeks without even telling you.

Don't listen! I am telling you that she only needs you as a "back-up-plan" friend. And no she will never realize that you are the one because you sound like a dog to her right now. She's not literally thinking this, but trust me that she feels that you are like a dog who will "sit" at her command.

You have to show that you are a strong man, and you have to focus. You want to do this right remember!

You have to do all the great things people helped list out for you (in order to improve yourself) and you have to INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT, actually start doing it. The hardest part is actually starting. What have you got to lose? And if you have to fake being happy when you go out or if you have to really kick yourself in the as$ to get going to the gym, then do it because it will speed up the healing process. JUST DO IT! Enough talk and more action.

Good luck and you will in my prayers. My heart goes out to you.

Thanks sad, I know I have to start doing and no more talking. I feel like I am starting over after 5 weeks of this and it hurts today really bad. Well I wasn't feeling any better the past few weeks because all that was going through my head were assumptions about her with that new guy and my false hope. So at least now I know, I think she is making a mistake but she has to be the one to realize this. I know the only way that she will, is if I move on, do not talk to her and make it clear to her that I am not here as a back up plan. I don't know how long it will take me to actually start feeling better about myself because it kind of feels like she didn't see enough in me to keep trying and she would rather be with someone else, and that hurts my self-esteem and confidence. I do hope one day she will realize the mistake she made and if at that time I still care for her, we will see what happens, but I know this is probably a long ways away if ever. She is going through a lot of her own issues right now and she needs time to figure these out, I wish she would take the time to herself to find what she truly wants instead of jumping back into a relationship with someone but I guess we all have to find ourselves in our own way. She will realize this new guy is not who she really wants, I am pretty sure about that, but when she does it may be too late. I thank you all for your support, I will need it in the coming weeks and months.

Just think, if you had taken our advice at the beginning you would be halfway to getting over her rather than just getting started.

As it is you are only giving her all the power, and basically handing her your gonads.

She isn't interested in what you think, therefore you are wasting your time either caring what she thinks, ir trying to change her mind.

You would better off teaching a pig to sing and dance. You have a better chance of doing that.

Just think, if you had taken our advice at the beginning you would be halfway to getting over her rather than just getting started.

Very True, I never doubted anyone's advice, just my ability to actually let go. Now I have no choice.

Very True, I never doubted anyone's advice, just my ability to actually let go. Now I have no choice.Well, better late than never... at least now you can start moving on with your life. And use this experience in a positive manner. By learning from it.

Remember, when life gives you lemons... make lemonade.

You will be fine, but what you need to stop doing is hoping she will see that she has lost something good. That kind of thinking will keep her on your mind.
What YOU need to realize is that this time with her was a stage in your life, and it could very well be that you two were not the ones for each other. She made the right decision for her. That does not mean there was anything wrong with you, but you are not the one for her. Let her go totally, do be thinking "someday she will realize" Get in the mindset that it is over and it is time for the next phase of your life.
I wish you well.

You will be fine, but what you need to stop doing is hoping she will see that she has lost something good. That kind of thinking will keep her on your mind.
What YOU need to realize is that this time with her was a stage in your life, and it could very well be that you two were not the ones for each other. She made the right decision for her. That does not mean there was anything wrong with you, but you are not the one for her. Let her go totally, do be thinking "someday she will realize" Get in the mindset that it is over and it is time for the next phase of your life.
I wish you well.

Thanks homegirl, I appreciate the words of support. I know I have to become a better person all around and then things will fall into place. Whether she is in my life again down the road or not is out of my hands, all I can do is be the best person I can be. It is hard to start this journey but with some time and support I feel that I will be on my way.

So we are finally at 'that' point. Im sorry you had to find out about what she was doing, it's the main reason we all recommended serious NC from the start. You are back to day 1 healing again but at least this time, I hope you take it serious.

You need to stop thinking about her coming back. Let that thought go forever. And why would you want her back after what she just put you through? She kept you on a leash while she tested the waters with another guy. That should make you feel horrible and never want to talk to her again.

Don't answer your phone if she calls, don't email her back, don't talk to her, period. She is getting over you with a new guy, its your turn to get over her.


And seriously stop talking about her being in your life later down the road. It is like you are adding little 'clauses' to all your posts, but those little clauses will NEVER let you heal. Right now you are probably thinking of all the things that you can do to improve yourself that would make her fall back in love with you. This is the WRONG approach. Do these things to improve yourself to find someone better than her, and to be happy with yourself.

Good luck, its going to be hell for a while but if you keep at it you will be better.

So we are finally at 'that' point. Im sorry you had to find out about what she was doing, its the main reason we all recommended serious NC from the start. You are back to day 1 healing again but at least this time, I hope you take it serious.

You need to stop thinking about her coming back. Let that thought go forever. And why would you want her back after what she just put you through? She kept you on a leash while she tested the waters with another guy. That should make you feel horrible and never want to talk to her again.

Dont answer your phone if she calls, dont email her back, dont talk to her, period. She is getting over you with a new guy, its your turn to get over her.


And seriously stop talking about her being in your life later down the road. It is like you are adding little 'clauses' to all your posts, but those little clauses will NEVER let you heal. Right now you are probably thinking of all the things that you can do to improve yourself that would make her fall back in love with you. This is the WRONG approach. Do these things to improve yourself to find someone better than her, and to be happy with yourself.

Good luck, its going to be hell for a while but if you keep at it you will be better.

Thanks a lot , I know I need to stop thinking of her coming back and realizing she made a mistake. I just wish I could block it out of my head. Even through all she has put me through recently, I still love her and I am not so much mad at her, although I probably should be. She is in a tough time right now and I just don't understand why she would want to push me away when it seems like she needs me most. But that is her decision and she will have to live with it. I do not want to help her to move on with this other guy she is dating and I know if we talk, she will still feel that I am here no matter what. So I thank you for your thoughts, I will need all the luck I can get and I hope to be better really soon. Its really tough and I know I would probably be even more lost and devastated w/out this site and all of you.

I will need all the luck I can get
Its not luck you need, but allow yourself to vent that anger your holding back, so you can move past the last bit of denial. You are mad at yourself and her and rightfully so, start absolute no contact, and get to a gym, or park, and work your A$$ off.

So I mean is this really the end? What does it mean when she says she still cares about me and loves me? I mean I have read posts of people coming back to one another after months or even years apart and dating other people. How do I get that last hope out of my head, because to be honest I am thinking about that. Maybe now she needs to do this, and it may turn out good for me as well, but I just wish I knew if we would have a chance again. Well its my first real day of healing and I know more to come. Its been a long, emotional day and I expect it to be the same for some time. I can't get her out of my head and it just really hurts. As much as I want to hear her voice or see her one last time, I know this is not the right thing to do. Thanks for sticking with me this long, its been a long 5 weeks and I know you have all done the best you can for me. I appreciate it very much. Thank you all again. I am sure I will be on here for a weeks and months to come.

She will see how you are worse off now, so what's the point in going back to you if you are even worse than when she decided to break up with you?

You have fifty pages of this post going on, yet you don't have any real advancements in terms of health. I wish you would pop in and talk about how you've improved everyday or about your social life or about the gym or something, instead of being at the same spot you were fifty pages ago.

This is a choice you're making.

I don't want to be in the same spot , trust me. Its just up until yesterday I had this hope and feeling that things would be OK in time. Now I have a clearer picture as to what she is thinking, she obvoiusly wants to see what happens with someone else and doesn't love me enough to want to work things out now. I wish I felt better, I wish I didn't feel like this and that I was moving on and being productive with my life. This is something new for me and I don't know where to turn. You have all been great and given me great advice and slowly but surely I am trying to take it and get on with my life. Its just hard to let go and accept that this person who I love and looked at as my future, doesn't see that anymore. Where the future takes her and me I have no idea and its scary to think that she is gone. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will try to heal and do something positive, but I don't know when I will be truly ready to let go and put her and us in the past. I hope soon, because its really affecting my life.

Until you accept that there is no future with her, you won't start healing. That is what we have been trying to tell you. Her stance on the situation should be very clear to you now that you know she is dating someone else. The only reason she is saying she still wants to be friends/talk is because she is using you for emotional support while she is with another guy. She is using you and that should be enough to start making you angry enough to not talk to her again.

I think the only reason she wants to keep in touch is because she knows you feel bad and are not moving on. She feels bad that you're not getting past this.
She is not the one for you. Be glad that this has been discovered now instead of a couple of years into a marriage.
Take some classes, do something that you have wanted to do for a while but never had the time.

Hey guys thanks a lot for sticking with me. I know I have probably been a tough and stubborn student. Well I talked to my dad today when I got home and he had some good advice and perspective that made me feel beter and to realize that this is a good time for this time apart. She needs to grow up and mature and so do I to an extent. Well anywyas, I may have an opportunity to go to Costa Rica for 4-5 days to see my family, and oddly enough I would be leaving on my ex's birthday. If I do end up going, do I just call her to say happy birthday? Do you think that by me not even being around on her birthday, she will feel some sort of void, since we have celebrated the past 4 bdays together? Well I just thought that was quite a coincidence. Well I will keep you all updated, thanks.