I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

If finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. What would you do? How do you confront him/her?
Is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.

Its fantasizing incorporate yourself into his fantasies and it more then likely will stop

I would consider that cheating, at least in spirit if not literally.

Even in this new electronic age, he is cheating. I would confront him and let him know how you feel about his computer habits.

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?Hello Hitch:

I would consider SCREWING somebody else to be cheating. Flirting isn't.

That doesn't mean he doesn't have the INTENTION of cheating, and it looks like he might. THAT, in an of itself, is a problem. And, I think you need to address it. However, if you begin the conversation by accusing him of "cheating", you will NOT accomplish your goals. In fact, I wouldn't begin ANY conversation with an accusation….. unless you want an argument.

Of course, I'm speaking from my own experience. I had a lady that I was committed to. I believed in my commitment, and was NOT wandering or even thinking about it... I did NOT promise, however, to never check out another woman again. Now, I never did it blatantly, and I didn't oogle, but I did look. But, that's all I was doing, was looking. To me, it meant nothing. To her, it meant everything. To her, I was cheating, and she constantly accused me of it.

We're not together anymore.

excon

He has not broken the law, but he has broken your trust.
Communicate immediately. See how he reacts.

To have him giving attention elsewhere hurts.
So, don't feel bad talking to about this.
And consider some couples therapy. Something he hasn't voiced - is being filled online.
Perhaps you can get to the bottom of it now.

Hello.

The big question is, does he do more then flirt with them. We all flirt in one way or another. YES even the ladies flirt and enjoy it when a Man looks at them. I think as long as he is keeping it on the net and not meeting them it's something to talk about but I wouldn't call it cheating.

If you wear a low cut top to the mall knowing guys are going to look at your assets is that cheating. Your doing it in real life not over the net where no one knows who you are. Something to think about.

OK before everyone says she can wear anything she wants, I agree, in fact I think its healthy for her to act sexy and make herself feel good. We all need that and to some they get it from being who they can't be in real life over the net.

Dennis777

Yes I would consider anything from a kiss in person as cheating (even a hug if too close ;) ) how did you find out about him using the site? I would also count it as cheating. If he respects you and wants your trust etc he would not be on the site. I find it insulting if my boyfriend makes comments on others and it makes me insecure. I would tell him this and explain why I ddnt want him to do certain things rather than just say he's not to do it.

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

if finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. what would you do? how do you confront him/her?
is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.
I don't consider that cheating, no touching involved, but if it were cyber sex, then absolutely cheating. Just tell him you were on the computer and happened to see what he was doing, and ask him what you can do to fulfill his fantasies, or ask him why he feels it necessary to do that, he should be spending his time telling you that, not someone else. I know it hurt to see that, but the best thing in a relationship is honesty, communication, and trust. If this is a serious thing you have going with him, try to save it if you think its worth saving. Talk to him and see what the next step should be in your relationship. Try your best to listen and to be understanding of his feelings, even though your mad as hell

How can I confront him without starting an argument and having to be blamed, since I snooped through his mail.

How can I confront him without starting an argument and having to be blamed, since I snooped through his mail.Hello Hitch:

Confronting him IS going to start an argument. Plus, you don't have to tell him you snooped. Make love to him... Do it different. Do him good.

Then ask him what else he might want to satisfy him? It's awfully hard to argue when you're naked.

excon

Well, he seems to be ignoring me, so I can't even get to see him, to talk to him and make things better and casually bring anything up..

So I don't know what to do...

Hey hitch, I don't consider it cheating, no touching involved, but with cybersex, its different I consider that cheating because you're getting off with someone else. The most important things in a relationship are trust, honesty and communication, which I'm sure you know. If you have something serious with this person, and something worth saving, talk to him about it and see what needs to be done to improve your relationship. He should be spending his time telling you nice things like that not someone else. How to tell him you saw it, well that's iffy, there's no easy way to do that. Let him know you stumbled acrossed it on accident, he shouldn't be hiding anything from you to begin with, so he shouldn't mind if your snooping, but of course he was hiding something and that will be the whole reason for him to be angry. Hope this helps! Good Luck!
From:carping_mama

Well,I know, but right now my problem is getting to see him and talk to him. I don't want to talk to him over the phone, and I want to take care of it in person.
And I have tried and he's just not being responsive. He hasn't been calling, he hasn't been picking up, I sent him messages online, and he hasn't answered back. We kind of got into an argument yesterday and haven't talked to him since. I don't know how to get his damn attention and sit down and talk

That's the problem and I don't know what to do because I just can't wait anymore

i dont know what to do because i just can't wait anymoreHello again Hitch:

Frankly, I think you waited too long.

If he's your significant other and you can't get a hold of him, I don't think you're his significant other any more. Time to move on.

excon

I think that you are worried for nothing. I think that its not cheating. Cheating is when you find out that he/she is seeing someone else or having sex with them.

If he is sneaking around doing something he does not want you to know about, he's cheating. I would consider what he's doing a form of cheating. I would let him know that it bothers you. If he continues to do it, that would tell me that my feelings are not important to him, and he would be history.

The sneaking around bothers me too. What's worse is he cannot be a man and talk about it with you. On top of all that, he choses to disappear?? I'll bet there is much more to this story.

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

if finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. what would you do? how do you confront him/her?
is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.
If there is no physical contact, there is no cheating...
How can you cheat on a computer? LOL

Why is all blame falling on the guy?
She admits to snooping through his stuff, getting his password and invading his privacy.
So who exactly is "sneaking around" here?
I'd say there are some major trust issues going on here.

I admit to being wrong, it was tempting, and I did ith. But I found out what I did, and he has denied to me, he is ignoring me blaming me for him being mad, because I know he is embarrassed to know that I found out.
I just want to talk to him to tell him the truth, believe me this is the first time I ever did anythign like this. I want to tell him the truth, I want to get everything out in the open, and just get my stuff from him, I have a lot of personal stuff and some financial things with him, so I need to tie up loose ends, and go my separate way.

He on the other hand thinks that I'm making this bigger, and being a kid a about it. And making him more mad.

He doesn't ant to end things with me and keeps telling me he loves me... but I'm just sick of it.. u don't keep the one waiting just because your mad

I'd say you are being smart to end things.
No relationship will work without trust.

I know, even though its hurting me
I just can't get him to come meet me and see me so we can talk, so right now I'm really confsued frustrated and I don't know what to do

He's probably avoiding you, hoping this will just pass.
Just tell him it won't and you are going to either deal with it now or later, and now would be best.
The hurt will pass. Stick to your guns. Show him you are worthy of being treated right.

Oh I know, it just hurts, I'm so upset right now, I just can't stop thinking about it, and crying, you don't avoid someone you love..

And what bothers me more is that my hearts telling him to stay with him and let this pass but my minds telling me to get rid of it, and forget him and move on

If this guy is been doing this for years and now you can't even reach him now , I would bet my bottom dollar he has physically cheated.
IMO a guy who has regularly visited sites like that for years is seedy and creepy and I would not want to deal with them anyway.
Just leave.

Oh I know, it just hurts, I'm so upset right now, I just can't stop thinking about it, and crying, you don't avoid someone you love..

and what bothers me more is that my hearts telling him to stay with him and let this pass but my minds telling me to get rid of it, and forget him and move on
Listen to your mind, use your brain. This guy IMO is creepy. And now he is not even responding to you. Leave it alone. How do you know he has not been metting up with some of these women? How do you know he does not have an STD or something? Leave the man alone. He cannot be trusted

It's not like he is COMPLETELY AVOIDING me and not responding, he just is avoiding the siutation, he told me last night that he doesn't want to see me because he's mad at me.
I just found proof that he did it in the beginning of our relationship, and I don't know about now. And the stds and stuff, we both have gotten checked, we go together.
But still,I just want to talk to him get things taken care of and go myown way..

It's not like he is COMPLETELY AVOIDING me and not responding, he just is avoiding the siutation, he told me last night that he doesnt want to see me because hes mad at me.
i just found proof that he did it in the beginning of our relationship, and i dont know about now. and the stds and stuff, we both have gotten checked, we go together.
but still,i just want to talk to him get things taken care of and go myown way..
Well you do what you need to do. If you want to go, then go. Why is he angry with you?

Because I went to his office while he was busy, n he got mad.

Excuse me guys, Hitch21 has stated some facts however there are a lot of assumptions going on here. NO offense but in situations like this you need all the facts and usually they are from one perspective. I think sometimes (and I realize the purpose of AMHD is to offer advice) we jump to quickly with negative opinions possibly based upon our own experiences or "failings?"

I have yet to find a sanctioned "book of rules" on this matter or for that fact; relationships. I have read quite a few books on relationships and basically they give you a foundation of right and wrong but is anyone really an expert in every case or detail?

Example; A few years ago John Gray (Men are from Mars, women are from Venus) was in Chicago and the girl I was with wanted to go to his seminar so I agreed. The first hour and a half was spent telling men how to get along with their female partners. At the break I was with several of the guys and they said they learned a lot but were a little uneasy with everything they had to consider in every conversation and reaction with their partners.

After the break I mentioned to John what was said by the guys and his comment was; "no that's not correct." However his female assistant spoke up and told him that it was correct.
He spent the next fifteen minutes on what the women should do and then again proceeded for the next two hours on how the guys need to improve.

After the seminar we went to dinner with John and another couple. After dinner during drinks I asked John about his qualifications and I must say he has quite a few of them. Then I asked him honestly "are you happily married?" He said yes, this time. I thought "humm?" He didn't want to go into detail about it. But he was married before (as many of us). He did say that she wasn't the one for him. All I'm saying is maybe there aren't any real "Experts" out there that know everything?

I believe that who you are (faithful, trusted, honest, etc) has an awful lot to do with how you were brought up and what you believe in. Personally, I have never cheated on either of my wives (have an ex) and I believe cheating begins in your heart. The moment you start to even think about it you begin to destroy your relationship. That is not to say that I don't occasionally look at a pretty woman.

Because I went to his office while he was busy, n he got mad.
I don't know what is going on with the two of you, but my advice is , forget about him. This is just way too much drama to have to deal with. It's not worth it IMO.

Believe me I know, I'm trying to tie up all loose ends, its not easy to drop everything after that many years, when we have built so much together, personally, career wise, financially, you know.

I can't just let him get everythign and get up and leave.


He hurt me and he deserves to hear it from me.

I understand. Just be careful. Don't allow your need to "give it to him" blind you and make you do something reckless.
I wish you well

Honey, I think your main concern now is that you need your material possessions back and to hopefully get your financial issue out of the way too so that you can go on with your life. Am I correct?

Your relationship did not get to where it is now over-night and neither will your break-up. Give him a few days to unwind and not be so irritated at you. Then approach him on neutral territory and try very hard to curb your anger because getting your stuff back from him will probably depend on how you handle things at the 'bargaining table'. And that's exactly what it's going to be - bargaining.

This will require some strength from you and a little distance and rest will help you see it that way.

So.. the only thing I suggest right now is that you rest up and prepare for the end of one relationship. What you get or take out of it is your choice.. it depends on you to keep your cool.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_103v.gif Sometimes it's not what you do, it's how you do it that counts. If you want it all your way at the end be diplomatic no matter how he raves.

I have lost my patience, that's the problem. I don't want to wait any longer and I don't think I should wait any longer.
I have been waiting since Last Wednesday and it hasn't worked out. And I should leave it alone and wait, but I don't even want to begin to think of the 'what if's if I wait.. you know.

I just want to get it out of the way, its eating me alive, I haven't been sleeping, I've been upset crying and just so out of it...



:(

I have lost my patience, that's the problem. I don't want to wait any longer and I don't think I should wait any longer.
I have been waiting since Last wednesday and it hasn't worked out. And I should leave it alone and wait, but I dont even want to begin to think of the 'what if's if I wait ..you know.

I just want to get it out of the way, its eating me alive, I haven't been sleeping, I've been upset crying and just so out of it....
:(
That can't be a pretty site, and I can bet, not condusive to working out issues between two people. Vent if you have to, but why blow everything you've worked for in a moment of rage. BTW, my wife has told me you were not snooping, and to give him hell, but leave room for the healing to follow.

I don't think I quite understand what you mean when you said your wife told you I wasn't snooping and to give him hell?