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    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 28, 2017, 02:50 PM
    For women: affairs
    I was cheated on. My spouse said they hooked up three times. She said she almost orgasmed once. Overall she said the second time was bad and the third time was worse. I find this odd as almost everyone on the web talks about "mind blowing" sex during affair. I don't know if I believe her. Truthfully, has any women that have had affairs, can you say the sex was bad?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Jun 28, 2017, 04:25 PM
    I find it odd that your wife had an affair and then discussed what the sex was like with you.

    Affairs are rarely about the sex, they're about finding something with someone that you're not getting at home, not about orgasms and mind blowing sex.
    FreeSpirit34444's Avatar
    FreeSpirit34444 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 28, 2017, 08:52 PM
    Oh my gosh YES! Alty is so right! Affairs aren't about sex! My boyfriend and I started kind of as an affair! He and his wife had been together for 13 years and for about a year and a half they were sleeping in different rooms. We never had sex until after he left his wife so it was never about sex!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Jun 29, 2017, 04:53 AM
    It doesn't matter what people say about their sexcapades. She is likely miniminizing it to you for her own purpose. Heck guy if it was GREAT the thought would drive you nuts wouldn't it? She knows that. The real issues is WHY she cheated, and what you both do about it, and THAT highly emotional issue will haunt you for a long time, so don't be distracted by the sex.

    Lying and cheating go hand in hand don't they? So now what? Explain what difference her cheating would make if it was GREAT sex, or NOT. Back to you.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #5

    Jun 29, 2017, 07:48 AM
    "Truthfully, has any women that have had affairs, can you say the sex was bad?"

    She cheated. She lied. She broke the trust. She went back two more times. And you are asking about their sex? Ov vey. Cheating is a deal breaker for me.
    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 29, 2017, 02:58 PM
    The affair started for those that seem to need to know, when she started menopause. Had loads of depression. Then she met a narcissist/sociopath online. Wife was a victim of sexusa abuse as a child and sold into the sex trade. Raped more than a hundred times before she was 15. So she has self esteem issues. Now that that's out there I just asked a question. If anyone else had the same experience. Thank you for telling me what's wrong with my maggage. I know what's wrong. I know better than most.
    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 29, 2017, 03:15 PM
    And yes we have been going to M/C for two years. Got her depression fixed. Working on her self esteem. OM controlled her. He didn't live here, he was in the military. Love bombed her for five months before he flew in half way around the world for the kill. Demanded nude photos every month. Demanded nude video chat so he could masterbate. Anytime she posted something on Facebook about how happy she was with me he would pop up demanding pictures. Had a lot of blackmail material and became friends online with her friends. His crap was control and abuse and she was scared to end it. She said she hoped he would just quit. He lied about himself. Never knew where he lived. Only a phone number. Had it set up to disappear. Told her he liked to masterbate in chat rooms online and every text I found from him he talked about playing with himself. She did mention the three times they met he had erectile dysfunction. The last time he had it so bad he had to go in the bathroom and finish him off. But each time he would text afterwards and want to know how good he was and brag how he was so great in bed. He always bragged about his penis being so big... but I got his pictures and he's 31/2 to 4 inches. I reported him to the military police. They said he needed to be investigated cause he used tactics perverts use on underage girls online... sick man.thats the story
    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jun 29, 2017, 03:23 PM
    He started charming... over time all that changed and he started to show his angry side. I did find out he shared her photos with his friends. He never said he loved her. He said he liked her a lot but after they met he said it was only a buddy relationship since he came here several times a year on vacation. When she got caught the only thing he said to her was "oh well, hope you work it out, take care"
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Jun 29, 2017, 08:26 PM
    So you know what's wrong with your marriage, you just want stories from other women that have cheated and had bad sex with the person they were cheating with?

    Sorry, can't help you there. I've been married for 22 years, and I've never had an affair. I have had depression, I was also molested as a child, and I'm in menopause. I don't think those things have anything to do with your wife's cheating. I still say she did it for the reason most women do, which is that they're not being fulfilled at home, and I'm not talking sexually, although that may be a factor in your marriage, only you and she know that.
    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jun 30, 2017, 05:33 AM
    Well every woman reacts different to menopause. Some not so much, some go crazy. She was different. She didn't talk to anyone in the family. Moody, angry all the time, she threw our oldest son out of the house for no reason. Today she's a loving mother to him. She cried a lot, wouldn't talk about it. Started drinking more and more. She was not the woman I married. The rapes didn't come out until we saw the M/C. It was a secret she hid for 30+ years. Yes we had a lack of communication. But only when she started having problems. She withdrew and isolated herself. Our M/C seems to believe her problems / past made her a easy target for this online predator. That's what they do. Seek out weak, easy targets. Nobody can say they will never have an affair. A lot of people that had affairs said the same thing. It happens to the best of people. I think it sucks and I hate cheating but the fact is it happens. I understand this so called wayward fog. She even admits she did not think about me or the kids while it was going on. She just said she has happy somebody thought she was special. Of course on his part it was all lies. He just needed a narcissist fix. She admits the texting was exciting. Going to meet him was exciting. But she said the sex was not good and afterward she felt used and degraded. That's why I asked the question. Everything on the web you read is about how great this affair sex is. Some experts say it can never be bad. You never hear about anyone saying it wasn't. So it appears her story is an odd ball to the norm. I don't know if I believe her. Just wanted to ask if anyone had the same experience or not. That's all I asked. Yes I got hurt by this. But I think I'm dealing with a damaged person. I love her, always have. I guess I wanted to see the big picture and not just dump her cause of my emotions. Anyway, maybe it was stupid to ask this question.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    Jun 30, 2017, 06:23 AM
    No, my friend, your question is hardly stupid after you added some context for us to UNDERSTAND. I find a certain admiration for a human that tries to help another through their obviously life changing traumatic experiences, even while they themselves have to go through much hurt and pain because of it. I think though you are better served getting help for yourself rather than the gawdy details of experiences from others, especially on a public internet forum, as anonymous as they may be. Have you thought of a closed group setting to share your story with others with like experiences? It would help YOU not being isolated in YOUR personal trauma I think as well as provide YOU with the right support system of love support and empathy in a LIVE setting with real humans.

    You both should stick with therapy though for the near and long term. Once you accept it can help, but not fix her sickness, or yours, you can better adapt and deal with the vows you take so seriously "for better or worse..in sickness and health..." that many of us just forget about.

    Thank you for reminding me, and take my humble admiration at YOUR loyalty and stick to itness. May you find a good path, and peace be with you.
    Cranky70's Avatar
    Cranky70 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 30, 2017, 09:33 AM
    I thank you. And your right. I pray every night for healing and peace. Thank you for your kind words. May peace be in your home.

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