Originally Posted by Lollipop1985
No, you're not crazy.
But you need to pull back and get some perspective. You are a highly charged 24 year-old woman in a relationship with a depressed man. His issues will continue to define his capabilities, both in and out of bed. Unless he resolves them, these issues will fester and pop up in a growing number of places and in a multitude of ways. You want a baby.
If you and he are to have children and raise them to become healthy adults, the same resolution requirement applies. The single most influential factor in a child's character development, according to current research, is not what anyone says to them, but what their parents are
. If your fiancée is serious about working through this and getting married, he has to face up to his depression. It's not that he is messed up or anything, just about taking charge of (and full responsibility for) ones own life. I'll recommend two helpful books at the end of this post. For his low sex drive/erection issue,
three causes come to mind. But before you go there, get him to a doc
who specializes in these kinds of things. Then: First, the pot.
THC lowers testosterone in the human body, and frequent use of marijuana keeps testosterone low, whether one is high or not. Daily
use can lower testosterone to "useless" levels. If your fiancée is serious about working through this problem, he should stop smoking for 3-4 weeks and see if his erection comes back. If it does, he must limit his smoking to 1-3 times per month. If he gets his erection back, but won't make the decision to cut down his use, he, and you, have an addiction problem.
Marijuana, especially in large amounts, also stops some developmental processes at the psychological and emotional levels, resulting in arrested development that can persist throughout ones whole life. Certain growth processes need stress
or strife to stimulate them into action, like muscles, the immune system, and bones in the body, and in the mind: frustration/anger management, sexual tension management, and dealing with the urge toward individuation (becoming your own person) while also needing to belong or blend into a group, like ones family. Living with, and managing these conflicts makes us capable people by the time we are out on our own. The world will present conflicting choices to us all the time, and we all have to learn how to deal with this reality.
Take these stressors away, and you rob us of our growth. Pot relieves some of the uncomfortable feelings that come with stress—and states like depression—but it's a 2-edged sword. It reduces those feelings and opens other options that the mind hungrily explores. But what's going on? We don't relax; the pot relaxes us. As long as we rely on the pot to do its job, it does, and we never develop the skills that good stress management teaches us.
So, while marijuana is a blessing for many people, it is a powerful psychoactive drug that stops other people from growing. Your fiancée might think about becoming a father, and what he is ready to sacrifice or give up in order to become a good one. That doesn't mean he should quit pot. Many people smoke or now vaporize (no smoke; a lot less toxic) and function well. Marijuana is becoming mainstream, and when the smoke clears (Hey, a pun!) will be as commonly used as cognac. But he should give his erection and your orgasm a chance and lay off for a while.
The second possible cause
is the depression itself. What is the content of his thoughts? About what is he depressed? Give us some history and insight here. For now, recognize that depression can create ED (erectile dysfunction). While it probably as nothing to do with you, it affects you, so it's in your interest to help him get beyond it. Be patient, supportive, loving, and gentle. And, never
bring it up in an argument. The third possible cause
that comes to mind—only he can tell what the actual cause is— a combination of familiarity and anxiety. Having been with 60 women, he knows the female body. Having had a great sex life with you, he's familiar with you. If costuming, games, toys, porn, and your horniness don't turn him on, what does he indeed feel? At 26, is he no longer a fascinated explorer? Regarding anxiety,
and he might not be able to express this, is he anxious about bringing a child into the world? About the responsibility? The lifelong commitment? Alternately, is he balking at the limitation to one person that is at the core of marriage? When you were primarily "a piece of a**" it was easy to just have fun. But now that you represent parenthood in some way, you might evoke some resistance to growing up. My advice is to open all of it up for dialog. If you are to grow a fulfilling marriage, your ability to talk about everything will prove invaluable. It's probably a mistake
to rely on him to keep you from going nuts due to your sexual charge, at least, for now. Masturbation can let off enough steam to keep you rational. Sharing it with him, without putting any demands on him, might wake up his sleeping member and with it his desire. Don't try to fix this by yourself.
This forum is a start. Get to a good sex therapist with him, talk things through, read and educate yourself, and give your sensuality a safe place to express itself to you and to him. Don't hide. Last thought:
This is going to take a while. If you even find yourself lightly fantasizing about getting your needs fulfilled elsewhere, interrupt the thought immediately, and just relax and refocus on what you are determined to do. This is your guy, and this is a test of your future marriage prospects. Couples go through all sorts of unexpected events, and their ability to pull together grows with each test, much to their satisfaction. When this phase is done, you will be glad that you stayed faithful.
Please let me know what you think of all this.
Every aspiring parent should read this: Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books
This is written for people over 30, but you need to understand these concepts now. Great read! Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up: James Hollis: Books