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JessieJean · Jul 6, 2010, 09:16 AM

Hi
I'm 20 and my boyfriend of 8 months is 27, we were set up by a mutual friend and at the beginning thought all my xmases had come at once with him and was much more sexually attracted to him than any other bfs id had. However, previously I've had "sexmad" bfs who if anything the problem has been feeling pressured for too much sex! When I first started seeing this boyfriend we never went through the "at it like rabbits" stage, I've got to admit I felt a little shy around him, I didn't want him to think I was with him for sex or immature because I genuinely have deep feelings for him. However, it used to be about twice a week which was less than other experiences but I loved that because the other nights we spent with each other we would just fall asleep cuddling, never felt so loved! It slowly crept to once a week, once a fortnight and now its been 3 weeks! I know I maybe need to say something but feel like I've left it too long to start talking so explicitly about sex! At the same time, whenever something about long term commitment and particularly marriage comes up he feels the need to "jokingly" put up a fight and its embarrassing and making me feel unloved ontop of lack of sex as he's been engaged before so know he's not totally against commitment. I genuinely know he's not cheating and definitely not gay before anyone asks, I just don't know what to do :s
HELP thanks!

Cat1864 · Jul 6, 2010, 09:55 AM

I could give you a list of possibilities, but they would just be a general list that would fit anyone (it includes everything from medications and normally low libido to stress and fatigue). To really know what is going on you need to discuss your concerns with him.

As one of our experts, Synnen, says, if you can't talk about it, then you shouldn't be doing it.

It is never too late to begin to talk and learn to communicate.

You also need to let him know how his reaction to certain topics cause you to feel. He may be feeling confused about his own emotions and getting everything out on the table may help clear up matters for both of you.

smoothy · Jul 6, 2010, 10:10 AM

Only 8 months and you are talking marriage? No wonder he is acting like that... its way too soon to be thinking that. You hardly know each other.

I think that might be the root of the problem... he might subconciously think about the possibility of you "getting Pregnant" by "accident" to rope him in.

I'm not saying you would ever do that... just saying there are too many women out there that have, would or actually do that. Trust me I've known too many of them first hand.

Problem is that always results in resentment and evenually infidelity and divorce.

I'll bet this started about the time you started to bring up the "M" word.

But as was mentioned... talking is always the first thing you should do. If you can't communicate... what are you doing with them.

Just a guys perspective...

JessieJean · Jul 6, 2010, 10:34 AM

Yeah I see where your coming from, although got to say he was the first to start bringing the "M" word up, were not even talking about getting married or even engaged, it was mentioned at a friends wedding he started hinting that one day that's where we might end up and I was thrilled but never started talkiing marriage knowing we are both so young and being early days. We've only really hinted to each other that we can see it headed in that direction but we are very much concentrating on the "now". I understand I may have made myself look like a bit of a bunny boiler now but like is aid I never really bring it up myself, I'm only 20 and still feel too young. At the same time though, while I don't see this whole thing as an issue I take it as a bit of an offence when out of nowhere ontop of feeling slightly rejected from lack of sex he starts putting up a fight at the signs of long term commitment out of the blue when he's making it the issue by bringing it up, something I would never do

ISneezeFunny · Jul 6, 2010, 10:47 AM

Hmm. Something's going on with him. Is he having stress from work, friends, family, etc? Some guys I know have sex to relieve stress... some shy away from it completely until they're more relaxed. To each his/her own.

As Cat said, you need to talk to him and figure out what's going on.

smoothy · Jul 6, 2010, 10:51 AM

Sometimes the difference from a joking hint... to a serious suggestion can be pretty small... and its VERY subjective. As to the parties sensitivity and exactly how, and how often its brought up.

Might not even be the issue... could be something else we haven't even thought of. But I'm fairly sure it's the root because of how he is reacting to that one thing.

Odd thing is once in a while it's the person that's overly sensitive that brings the sensitive topic up...

Why?. maybe he's feeling you out to see where you stand on it... maybe its for reasons known only to him.

And there is this other option... and no you might not like the possibility. Maybe he feels the relationship isn't going the way he wants... and is trying to provoke you to where he makes you leave him because he doesn't have the balls to be honest and upfront and tell you. Honestly I don't have enough info to believe that or not... just tossing it out because when I was young and dumb I was once like that with someone enamoured of me I just wanted gone. Her attachment grew as my disgust of her grew,, and I wasn't man enough at the time to simply be honest with her. I was about 20 at the time.

THe best way is to get him to tell you what's going on inside him. But that's going to require finesse and subtlety on your part... don't push it if he seems clearly agitated or angry.